A Stamford Story

The following tale appeared in the Stamford Mercury about 100 years ago (pub names in capitals):

O’BRIEN’S journey to see the late Queen VICTORIA began by the light of the RISING SUN and HALF MOON, and after getting well primed at the BREWERY, which shows what a GREEN MAN he was, he proceeded on his CHEQUERED career, going down the WELLAND and GREAT NORTHERN by BOAT and RAILWAY to LONDON, having the impudence to inform the PRINCE OF WALES and VICTORIA by TELEGRAPH that he was coming. The SHIP was of ROYAL OAK, built in the time of NELSON, which after running into the DOLPHIN dropped her ANCHOR on the shores of old ALBION.

The PRINCE OF WALES declared that he was delighted to see O’BRIEN, presented him with the STAR AND GARTER and showed him some remarkable beasts: a WHITE LION and a RED LION. But our friend, getting frisky, happened to hit the QUEEN’S HEAD with a PINEAPPLE, whereupon he was ejected from the CASTLE into the ROLT’S ARMS by LORD HEATHCOTE and GENERAL GORDON, who locked him out with the CROSS KEYS.

Still he could not keep out of mischief, for he went and poked the BEEHIVE with the OLIVE BRANCH, and consequently had to fly for refuge behind the WHEATSHEAF. As he emerged from thence, away dashed the FOX AND HOUNDS, followed by LORDS EXETER, BURGHLEY AND FITZWILLIAM, and FORESTERS on BLACK HORSE and WHITE HORSE, the GREYHOUND running like mad after the STAG AND PHEASANT, WHITE HART, REINDEER and ROEBUCK. O’BRIEN, getting excited, ran into the RED COW, who tossed him over to the BULL, who pitched him into the water right on top of the WHITE SWAN, from whence he was rescued by the ARMS of the SAWYER and CARPENTER.

Then he must needs go up in the BALLOON, and to make matters worse, dropped the MILLSTONE onto the KING’S HEAD, cracking his CROWN. So exasperated was the King that he picked up the WOOLPACK containing the GOLDEN FLEECE, and, shying at O’BRIEN with all his might, HIT OR MISS, knocked him into the HOLE IN THE WALL!

(Taken from Stamford Pubs and Breweries, by Martin Smith).