THE LOVE FILES

HOW TO BOUNCE BACK

after a BREAKUP

By Carmelia Ray, celebrity matchmaker and online dating expert

F

or many, the new year represents a time to reset, reflect, set new goals, and for singles—find new love. Peak breakup season begins after Thanksgiving and typically runs through the winter and into spring. And, surprisingly, the week of Valentine’s Day is also a peak time for couples to split.

Perhaps the pressure and obligation of buying gifts or meeting family members forces people to reflect on their partnerships and end unfulfilling relationships. Singles who conveniently coupled up during “cuffing season” will unmatch when the weather warms up and the honeymoon phase is over.

As a dating coach, I’ve been advising couples who rushed to pair up during quarantine, and now find themselves doubting their choice to cohabitate with someone they barely know. Many of my matchmaking clients were eager to find connection under lockdown to help pass the time with someone special, rather than having to isolate on their own.

When breaking up is inevitable, you need the tools to bounce back as quickly and as pain-free as possible. Here are four steps for you to take to bounce back after a breakup.

There’s no easy way to get over your relationship, especially if you choose to stay connected on social media. Once you’ve decided it’s over, it’s time to disengage and move on.

I strongly advise my clients to block and disconnect from their ex on all social media platforms (especially if they lack scrolling self-control). And, a post-breakup digital detox is an ideal way for you to avoid having to answer people’s DMs or questions about your relationship status. The constant reminder of your past partnership will only have you thinking about the “what if’s,” “could have been’s,” and “should have’s.” Seeing photos of happy times in the past, and noticing your ex seemingly happier without you could lead you down a relationship rabbit hole.

Acknowledging your pain and facing your fears of being alone is a normal part of healing. I have spent many hours coaching clients through unexpected and devastating breakups during the lockdown. Some were caught by complete surprise, while others had predicted the end was near. Feeling sad, angry, and upset is allowed and expected, but you need to set a time limit on the amount of time you’re going to dwell in these negative emotions. Lying in bed all day under the covers, crying your eyes out, and eating your way out of sadness should be limited to no more than a couple of hours and calories.

If you can set a physical timer, find the strength to do something productive and positive when it rings. Start by giving yourself 30 minutes to an hour, up to two hours—max. It will become easier over time. An accountability partner or support person can also help you through this initial difficult time.

Daily exercise and active movement can help to reduce stress, increase mental alertness, and have an overall positive impact on your health. Set your intentions to crush a workout goal, or make it a point to change things up and try a kickboxing class, hot yoga, Orange Theory, F45, paddle-boarding, or hiking outdoors. There are countless benefits of incorporating exercise as a fun and healthy distraction instead of turning to substances that only cause more harm, lead to bad decisions, and have you spiraling out of control.

Bouncing back from a breakup takes time, patience, and a proactive approach to healing.

But with some time and effort, you’re sure to create and bring joy and optimism back into dating.

3EXERCISE AND KEEP MOVING 1DISCONNECT FROM ALL SOCIAL MEDIA

4 2 ALLOW A FIXED AMOUNT OF TIME TO GRIEVE

PRACTICE SELF-LOVE AND SELF-DEVELOPMENT A failed relationship can leave you feeling less than, unworthy, and broken. Know and accept this relationship did not work out for a reason. Remember that true love happens when two people willingly choose each other, so in this case, he or she was not your forever person. You’ll never have to force or manipulate the right partner to be with you when they love you and want to work on the relationship. Now that you’re no longer preoccupied with your relationship, turn the focus and energy on your personal self-development. You don’t need someone to love you to be whole and complete; you only need to be comfortable in your own skin and find joy in your own company. Your breakup opens doors for new and more compatible romantic opportunities. Take the time to reflect, learn, grow, and evaluate what worked and what failed in your past relationship. You’ll come out of the breakup more informed, confident, and clear about the needs and values required in your next partnership.

THE RIGHT

and WRONG WAY TO FIGHT

By Jarrod Thalheimer

Even the greatest of love stories has to navigate the storms of life. No matter how touchy-feely, kissy-face-happy you and yours might be, there will come times when the sky turns dark and the relationship rains begin to absolutely pour. And yes, there will be fighting. Obviously, these dust-ups can vary in both tenor and intensity, not to mention their overall impact on your particular union as a whole. That’s to be expected, of course. You can’t ever eliminate fighting. You’re both individuals who have unique issues, problems, and needs that are not always met, addressed, or even respected. But if you don’t stand up for yourself, things won’t change. That means a fight now and again is inevitable. But it doesn’t have to destroy your relationship.

Believe it or not, there does exist a sort of “Queensbury Rules” for couple-fighting. It’s not official per se (as in, I’m only now just writing it down), but once followed, they should lead said couples to sunnier skies and legitimately brighter days together. At least that’s the idea.

Am I crazy? Have a look and see what you think...

COUPLE-FIGHTING DON’TS

COUPLE-FIGHTING DOS

DON’T GET PHYSICAL. There is never, ever any excuse for raising a hand (or punching, throwing, grabbing, or similar) at any time. This is someone you love and care for. If you can’t get your point across without a shove or breaking something, then you’ve already lost the argument. Truly, if you allow any room in your relationship for violence, I would suggest it’s clearly doomed, and one or both of you should get to safety as soon as possible. No hitting or throwing things—period. You learned that lesson way back in kindergarten, and it should still hold true today.

DON’T BE PETTY. When you feel hurt or wounded, the temptation to lash out and cut (metaphorically) the other person is irresistible. But you can’t give in to the urge. Thanks to the closeness you share, you both possess an absolute mountain of dirt on the other person, and if you decide to start flinging it just to win an argument, you are being petty and playing really, really dirty. Ultimately, that will damage whatever trust you have in each other, which is fatal for any relationship. Remember: Play fair, keep your complaints to the question at hand, and resist the urge to attack a weak spot just to score a point. If your argument isn’t going anywhere, maybe it’s because it wasn’t that good in the first place.

DON’T PIGGYBACK. When the knives start flying (again, metaphorically speaking!), it can sometimes seem like a good idea to haul out all of your accumulated grievances and dump them on the table. Inevitably, what was a pointed discussion about who cleans the kitchen (or not) suddenly morphs into an all-out war about relatives, money, personal hygiene, bad habits, old indignities, missed birthdays, and more. Don’t do it. Resist the urge to pile it on. Focus on the issue at hand and try your best to keep it there. The bigger the mess you make, the harder it is to clean up. Keep it small and specific, and work on finding your way through that one first. There will always be time to address the other issues…later.

DON’T HOLD GRUDGES. Part of fighting is that once the issue has been torn apart you both have to let it go and move on. Keeping the hard feelings alive for weeks or months (or years) on end will do nothing to strengthen your bond and will actually weaken it. Learn to let it go. Once you’ve said your piece and the other person acknowledges your issue, that should be enough. It’s time to move forward, which should always be the main goal of any couple seeking love from each other.

DO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. The point of

fighting in the first place is to get the things that are bothering you out into the open. If you start to give in before things even really get going, you’re not going to help your issues one bit. Speak your mind and make your point. Yes, the situation is heated and uncomfortable, but sometimes that’s what it takes to get what we bury deep up to the surface. If the person you love actually cares about you, he or she will be glad you did—eventually.

DO LISTEN TO WHAT THE OTHER

PERSON SAYS . In the heat of battle it can be hard to focus on anything other than the emotions flying around and the words streaming out of your mouth. The thing is, to be an actual fight, there has to be another person present, and if he is, you have to make an effort to listen to what he’s saying too. That doesn’t mean he’s right, or even that you’re wrong, but when both of you are speaking from the heart in a supercharged setting there is a chance that something worthwhile will be said. Listen for those nuggets, and pay attention to the points being made on both sides. You might find that you share more common ground than you realized.

DO KEEP A SENSE OF HUMOR

(ABOUT YOURSELF).When emotions run hot, it’s easy to lose your sense of humor—and even become extra hostile when someone tries to tweak it. Avoid going fully dark (if you can), and try to keep one eye on the silliness that often permeates the things that somehow trigger us the most. Yes, it drives you crazy when she says, “You’re just like your father…” but you have to admit, sometimes you really are like your father—and it’s kind of funny! If you allow that tiny smirk of humor to get through your outer shell of anger, you might just bring the whole fight to a close on a happy note vs. a bitter or sour one.

DO ADMIT YOUR FAULTS OR

MISTAKES. When some people fight, they consider it a sign of weakness to admit fault of any kind. Avoid this trap if you can. Being able to admit when you messed up can give the other person the freedom to admit such things too. Keeping an eye on our own screw-ups—and being willing to admit to them—can help us to understand where the other person is coming from. Do that, and you might just find yourself constructing the sort of adult relationship that can stand the test of time, which really should be the point of all this anyway, right?