r a e D Grief ME MORIE S ARE FO REVER KITS
13 - 24 YEAR OLDS
My Details: Name: Phone: Email:
Kenzie’s Gift PO Box 13224 Tauranga 3141
My Family:
P: 027 345 2514 E: hello@kenziesgift.com W: www.kenziesgift.com First published 2020 ©Kenzie’s Gift
These Memories are Forever Kits are kindly supported by
Nothing can prepare you for the loss of someone you love. You may have known it was going to happen, or it may have happened with no warning at all. Either way, the death of a loved one will be a tough challenge. We’ve used the terms ‘parents’ (Mum and Dad) and ‘siblings’ (brother, sister) but we know that it may be someone else you love, such as a stepparent or a friend.
moment, and impacts how you feel, what you do and what you say. Grief won’t fit into a box. You cannot force it in there, put the lid down, and forget about it.
There may be a lot of emotional pain, confusion, and a feeling of really deep hurt.
There is no quick fix for grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. The important thing is to figure out what really helps you manage your grief.
When someone dies, it’s hard to know what to say or how to behave, and most of us don’t know how to talk about it. This may be the first time you’ve lost someone close to you, so this feeling of grief is intense and tough. When you try to talk to someone about it, they might not handle it well. Grief can affect every part of your life. It’s like this huge thing that smothers you, it is there every waking
My Diary
Grief can be like riding a wave. Sometimes you’re on top of it, other times you plunge off the crest, down into the trough, the wave crashes over you, and you never know when this might happen.
Deciding that is up to you and no one else. Deciding how you grieve is your decision.
How to use your Kenzie’s Gift Diary This diary provides information and tips for getting through the pain of loss. There is space to write stuff down if you want to. Taking care of yourself while grieving is important. Not just physically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually too. Your strength can make your family/whanau stronger. There are lots of things you can do to improve your health and well-being and this diary has some ideas, tips, tools, and things to think about.
- Alex FitzgeraldWebb
Memories are forever You may be afraid that, over time, you’ll forget the person who died. As time goes by, it may be harder to remember the way they looked, the sound of their laugh or voice, even their smell. Finding ways to create and keep memories can help. There’s nothing weird about what you choose to do. Don’t let anyone else’s opinion stop you from doing whatever maintains your connection to the person who died (as long as what you do is safe for you and others). Sometimes the memories we have about the person are difficult ones. They may be memories of hurt, pain, anger, and conflict. If so, the memories may be too painful and you may need some help to sort through them. See our support listings on page XX. Remembering the past can bring hope for the future, and memories can enrich our lives. Sharing stories with family and friends, talking about that person, or writing in your journal can help you sort through and process your feelings.
Memories are forever
Here are some tips and ideas: • Writing in your journal (or drawing in it, pasting in photos) may help with the grieving process. Reading back at a later time can maintain the connection. • A memory book or box is a safe place to keep things that remind you of the person who died, like photos, ticket stubs from a rock concert, lyrics to songs, memory sticks/digital media, dried flowers, anything that reminds you of them. • Smell is a powerful memory trigger. Perhaps the person who died had a special perfume or aftershave. You may want to wear it yourself or keep a bottle so the familiar smell is close by. • Wearing items of their clothing is OK, either at home or out in public, as is sleeping with something that belonged to them: maybe a pillow or a toy. • If you don’t want to keep items of clothing, you can make them into a quilt or a cushion cover. • It’s not weird to talk to the person who died.
• Visit their grave or the place where their ashes are stored, or if the ashes are at home, talk to the container. It’s OK. • Listen to their favourite music, watch their favourite movies, dance their favourite dance. It can be hard to keep memories if: • other people let you know that what you’re doing isn’t OK with them, • you cannot find anyone to talk to about the person who has died, • you’re afraid talking about the person will upset someone, • other family members don’t want to participate in rituals or do anything to remember the person.
gs through, check our Tip: If you need to talk thinspea king with someone support page. Sometimes helpful. outside of your family can be really
d e v a e r e b , g n i n r u o m , g Grievin ? e c n e r e f f i d e h t s ’ t a h w The word ‘bereaved’ refers to someone who is experiencing the loss of someone they loved. You are bereaved if someone has died. But you can experience grief for lots of other things besides the loss of a person, like the ending of a friendship or the loss of a job or opportunity. Mourning is the way you show your grief and this can vary according to your religion or culture, family traditions, and your own personality.
The thing about grief is... • nothing can prepare you for it
• it’s confusing
• you’ll have lots of mixed and strong emotions
• you can work with grief in whatever way suits you as long as you don’t harm yourself or someone else
• it’s a tough challenge • it impacts every part of you • there’s no rule book and this book doesn’t try to be one • it doesn’t fit into nice tidy boxes • it may be frustrating when you want answers • some ideas about grief may be the same for many people but grief can feel different for everyone • no two journeys are the same, like finger prints
• there’s no right or wrong but know you are not alone in what you may be thinking, feeling or doing • it’s difficult to believe but life does continue and you will learn to live with what has happened in your life • there’s no such thing as a ‘normal’ way to grieve • it may go on for a long time.
e l i h w t r o p p Getting su g n i v e i r g e r ’ you If you’re experiencing deep grief, you may be shocked by its effect on your life. The type of support you need may change over time. You might think, ‘OK it’s been two months, let’s tick that box and move on.’ Add to this the pressure from other people who say, ‘Time to move on now, get back to normal.’ Your grief is unique, it will take as long as it takes. So who can support you? • other family members although they may be dealing with their own grief too and have limited energy and ability to help • your friends – some may be better at this than others • another young person who has lost someone close to them • a counselor, teacher, GP or other trusted adult, when you need to talk to someone outside your circle of family and friends There are more suggestions at the back of this book.
Family Tree Complete your family tree. Link the boxes with each member, add additional boxes if you have an extra big family.
o r a g n e n i h Taha
h)
(mental healt
lings and ghts, fee u o times th o ls but a elf during l rs u u o o s y d s n s xpre ody a g with ate and e ot only b ’re dealin You are n ow you communic sual because you .H t to u emotions e differen b y a m g of grievin s. on big emoti
mental hea
lth
Taha hinengaro
! e m i t e l Dood
mething
w so u feel, dra o y w o h s s ve, expre ne. Get creati r loved o u o y f o u o y s d remin
that
Let’s talk about grief an d grieving
Grief is what yo u think and feel when someone you love dies, or you lose somet hing that is precious to you.
Grief can be man y things: anger, sadness, guilt, numbness, a de ep hole in your chest, or an ache in your head. Grie f makes its pres ence known physically as wel l as emotionally . There’s no right or wrong way to feel or express grief but it’s important to look after yourself. Grief may be … • wanting to talk • wanting silenc e and to be alon e • wanting to pa rty • needing to be physical • not wanting an ything to change or wanting everything to ch ange • wanting to mov e house
• playing the sa me music over and over • watching vide os or looking at photos • calling their ph one to hear thei r voice • sleeping with something that belonged to the person or remin ds you of them • having a good cry. Find a safe place to cry, either on your own or with someone you trust. You’ll be su rprised how muc h better you’ll feel afterwards. • writing about it in a journal.
There is no ‘one-size-fits-all’ when it comes to grieving There is no right or wrong way to grieve. We all cope with our grief in different ways. Everyone in your family will have their own way of grieving, even though you may all have lost the same person. Adults and young people grieve in different ways too. You may think the adults around you don’t understand how you feel, and they may think you’re not acting in the right way. Talk to them, or write it down in a letter, explain that the death is having a big impact on you and you are coping with it in your own way. If you’ve always rolled up your sleeves and gotten on with things, then you might grieve in this way. If you are a quiet person and you’re used to keeping to yourself, then you may cope with grief in that way. Just as no two people are the same, no two ways of grieving are the same. Your way of grieving is OK as long as you are not harming yourself or someone else.
l a i c e p s e h t n o o d o t s g n i h t f o s a Ide n o s r e p e h t r e b m e m e r o t s n o i s a occ who has died Carry a specia l photo
aylist
Create a music pl
Write: them a letter or create a poem
Light a
Make a card:
display it in your home, keep it in your school bag for the day or take it to the grave.
candle
Gather m
ething: m o s t n Pla n and r garde in you grow watch it
emories: ask other people their favourit e memories about the person wh o died, write them in a book or create a picture about them
Grief comes with a load of emotional baggage Sometimes it feels like grief has moved in with lots of suitcases and bag tags reading ‘fear’, ‘anger’, ‘sadness’ and more. Grief is the uninvited guest that sits down with you at dinner, hangs out in the living room with its feet up, looks over your shoulder in the mirror when you’re brushing your teeth, and curls up at the foot of your bed at night like a weight. When grief arrives, it comes with a lot of baggage. Here are some of the bag tags: Sadness Feelings of sadness can be overwhelming when someone dies and you think you might never smile or laugh again. Anger and frustration Feeling angry when someone dies is not unusual, nor is wanting to blame someone for the death, perhaps God, another family member or the doctors. You look for answers. You want to know why this has happened because it is so unfair. Sometimes there are no answers nor anyone to blame. Anger becomes frustration.
Loneliness You miss the person who has died and think you’re the only person in the world to ever lose a loved one. That kind of loneliness can be intense. It’s OK to want to spend time alone but if it makes you sad and unhappy then it becomes loneliness. Fright and panic It doesn’t matter how old you are, you can still feel scared: to be on your own, that other people you love will die, about what will happen to you and your family now. Panic is a normal reaction too and it’s OK to ask questions like ‘Will we have to move? Can I still go to soccer practice without Mum to drive me? Will I ever have fun again?’ Guilt and regret Nothing you thought, did or said had anything to do with the death of your loved one but there can still be plenty of ‘wish I had or had not’ moments. These feelings can hang around for a long time. Numb Shock can make us numb and feeling numb can be a way of protecting ourselves. It’s not unusual to feel this way.
‘Talk about it.’ Yeah right. Death can be one of the hardest things to talk about because you and your family may have had little or no experience of it. Death is new territory and finding a way to express how you feel, and someone to express it to, can be a real challenge. Maybe your family doesn’t communicate well anyway and it’s even harder to talk about this stuff or maybe you’re afraid to talk about the person who died because it might upset people or it’s just too painful to talk about it and nobody is sharing how they feel or talking about what’s really going on. Tips for starting the conversation • Talk about the death while you’re doing something else, maybe while cleaning up the kitchen with Mum or playing ball with your younger brother.
• Be prepared for long silences. They may feel awkward but let them happen. • Think about what you’d like to say before you say it: do some planning. • Prepare yourself as best you can for the response you may get: it could be sadness, anger, silence, or tears. • Choose a good time of day to talk. If people look busy or preoccupied it may be helpful to say you would like to talk and ask when would suit them. Try to make a time to talk that is away from your normal bedtime. (Night time is often a time when our brain goes into overload. If your mind is busy thinking it can be difficult to get to sleep.) • Try writing it down, either on paper or in a card, send a text, draw a picture.
- Lorraine Martin
? l’ a m r o n w e ‘n is What is th There was the time before your person died and now there is ‘the time after’. The two could not be more different and you may have no idea what ‘normal’ is now. Grief has two faces. It’s public because someone you love has died, and it’s private as you experience your own personal feelings. There may be an expectation for you to behave in a certain way, do normal things, and keep to the usual routine. Inside you may be trying to find ways to cope with the grief you feel. This might create extra pressure and make you want to hide your feelings or look for ways to forget them. Over time, things will feel better and you’ll get used to a ‘new normal’. You may be surprised to realise you’re not thinking so much about your Mum or Dad or your sibling and when you do, it doesn’t feel as painful as it once did. You will still have sad times. They may not last as long or hurt as much but the death will always be a part of you that you will learn to live with.
Learning to live with your grief takes time Grief: • comes in waves • is unpredictable • can be overwhelming nged to the person you have lost. songs, seeing something that belo lls, sme like gs thin by d gere trig • can be reminds you of the person. you see, hear, smell, taste or touch ing ryth eve that m see may it le For a whi ing if this will go on forever. maybe months. You may be wonder ks, wee , time long a for on go This can love isn’t something that you ly not. The death of someone you bab pro No, f? grie the r ove get r Will you eve people may tell you that you should. just ‘get over’ even though a few you love. You learn to live with ly get over the death of someone real r eve ’t don you that ed ept It is now acc s a part of who you are. it and the death and grief become always aware of it. heals and leaves a scar that you’re that nd wou ful pain a as f grie of k You could thin and hurts again. Sometimes the scar gets knocked
. .. t n a w u o y r e v e Grieve how s er h ot d n a ou y r fo fe a s is as long as it ’re grieving think ‘life sucks’ when you It’s normal to feel sad and rself or anyone else. but it’s not OK to hurt you Safe ways to grieve tear it up afterwards Write it down even if you e a big scream or yell Find a private place to hav Listen to music e a good cry Watch a sad movie and hav e other exercise Go for walk, a run, or do som some weeding Get into the garden and do to nd, someone you can talk Hang out with a trusted frie y hurt ma nselor if you think you Call a Help Line or see a cou of ending you own life yourself or you’re thinking
Unhealthy ways to grieve e little or no When you feel like you hav grief can and – life control over your etimes – you som t tha make you feel like you do have t tha s ng may start doing thi ngs may not control over and these thi y may be The . you always be good for m you har ld cou and risky, dangerous, and others. e you love It really hurts when someon n’t make wo lf rse dies but hurting you at is wh re sha to it stop. If you need trust or you e eon som happening, talk to n. tio sec re He is check out our Help
you deliberately cut, • Self-harm: This is when pull out your hair or scratch or burn yourself, or as a way of coping with pick at sores on your skin o be expressing your painful feelings. It may als Self-harm may bring need for help and support. g term as difficult short term relief but not lon k. Get professional help, feelings tend to come bac l counsellor. speak to your GP or schoo without the person you • Suicidal thoughts: Living t it leads to thoughts love can be so painful tha suicidal thoughts it of suicide. If you are having e you trust or call a is important to tell someon Helpline. may express itself in • Hurting others: Grieving e a safe place to let it anger and if you don’t hav er on someone else. out, you may focus that ang aimed at others is Physical or verbal violence never OK.
and alcohol can offer a • Drugs and alcohol: Drugs pain of grief. It’s only a temporary release from the p you in the long term. short-term fix and won’t hel you harm. These substances can do ng wrong with having • Having sex: There’s nothi e you are ready or (safe) sex but doing it befor n can put you at risk with more than one perso When you’re grieving, ly. emotionally and physical close to someone may wanting to feel loved and feel more intense.
Tip:
Sometimes it’s too hard to ask for help so try writing a note or a letter for your Mum or Dad, a school co unselor, a teacher, GP or a trusted adult, and lea ve it where they will find it quickly. It may be ea sier to speak with so m eone who doesn’t know yo u. That’s when telep hone helplines can be reall y helpful.
Your coping toolbox days when things get on Here are some ideas for the top of you. to the voice in your Change your self-talk: Listen you feel worse? Try head. Is it helping or making with positive ones, think replacing negative thoughts n and ways to tackle of a new spin on your situatio up. Be kind to yourself. problems rather than giving games, go and kick a Play: Have a go at your video ge your batteries. Be ball around with friends, rechar physically and socially active. lot of information out Read, watch, listen: There’s a f and loss. See how there about coping with grie they did to cope. at wh others got through and all achievable goals Set realistic goals: Setting sm healthy headspace, like can help you move towards a ive, or just clearing sleeping better, being more act ke a plan with a trusted some of the sadness away. Ma k. friend to help keep you on trac
ry and hard to do but Ask for help: This can be sca they’re waiting to be people often want to help and asked. es it’s easier to talk to Join a support group: Sometim with family and friends. other teens than it is to share up ‘isn’t you’ but give You may think a support gro new friends who truly it a try. You may make some t you and you’ll feel understand. They can suppor good about supporting them. ns can be intense. Sit with your emotions: Emotio ul over something you You may feel guilty or regretf too late. It’s normal didn’t say or do and now it’s ld apologise or make to look back and wish we cou ng with our emotions up for something. Simply bei judge or fix them can and feelings without trying to lessen their intensity.
tegies and see what Tip: Try a few coping strabe afraid to experiment. works best for you. Don’t have worth. Value yourself and value others. You
t a h t y a s le p o e p s The thing . n i k s r u o y r e d n u really get Many people think they are a grief expert and will have a story about what they did or didn’t do, and will tell you how you should or shouldn’t do the same. • ‘I know how you feel.’ (They don’t) • ‘It’s time to move on now.’ (You’re not ready to do that) • ‘Time heals all wounds.’ (Maybe so, but today you’re hurting) • ‘He/she wouldn’t want you to be sad.’ (It’s normal to feel sad after someone dies) • ‘You’ll get over it.’ (Grief isn’t something you ‘get over’) • ‘I’m sorry for your loss.’ (They just don’t get it!) People offer up these clichés because they don’t know what else to say, and they really are trying to help!
when you say n a c t a stuff Wh out with s e m o c e want someon ry: ‘I know you e T ? rds mak like this your wo t u b r e o m !)’ to help t words …. (inser l e . fe it e m ough at h e t h r just bre
Tip:
Taha tinana (physical health) Your mind and body are connected so grief can affect how you feel physically.
• a racing heart
Physical activity is important for health and well-being and being active can help you cope with grief. Getting up and out may be the last thing you want to do but even a short walk around the block can help you feel better.
• difficulty getting to sleep or wanting to sleep all the time
• headaches • an upset stomach • body aches • weight loss or gain
• trouble concentrating, carrying on a conversation, and remembering things. These symptoms may be expressions of grief. Peace of mind is important so get checked out by your doctor if you’re concerned. How you cared for yourself before may not work as well while you are grieving, or at all, so be open to trying something different.
• that ‘run-down’ feeling, tired, and maybe light-headedness or dizziness
Taha tinana
physical he
h alt
When you’re grieving, you may have:
• a feeling of breathlessness or tightness in throat and chest
urself: g after yo in k o lo r fo reathing. ome tips nd deep b a n o ti Here are s a it d gh me relax throu • Learn to d to. n you nee • Rest whe friends. t time with u o l il h mpleted. c e a Blog. • Hav ff when co o s g in gs, or start n th li k e c fe ti d d n n a a r thoughts • Make lists down you te ri w l, a urn tand. orts. • Keep a jo can unders ise and sp d rc n e a x ’ e o r la to u reg ‘been there • Keep up ers who’ve th o m o fr ort • Get supp
h alt
physical he
Tip:
Any amount of exercise can he anxiety, enhanc lp reduce e energy levels and improve sl Experiment with eep. new ways of no urishing and ca for yourself. ring
Prepare and eat foods that are good for you
Sometimes it’s hard to eat beca use your stomac tied up in knots h is and food doesn’ • Eat ‘the good t taste right. Yo things’ like vegi may also need to u es, fruit, and who cook for yourse grains, and drin le lf and the rest of the family and th k plenty of water at can be a chal . lenge if you’ve ne • Get protein in done it before. to your diet with ver Here are some tip meat, fish, eggs s. nuts. Tins of tuna and • Get started by and baked bean learning some ki s are good too. tc • Fi he nd simple recipe n basics like how to use the s that don’t have appliances (you may need to as too many in gredients or ne someone to help k ed much prepar you out). at io n. • Stock up on ite • Eat well and re ms like pasta, bo gularly, even if it’ ttles of pasta sa s several smalle and some frozen meals througho uce, r meals. ut the day rather th an the usual three: this can he • Co ok one day a wee lp reduce the ris k, make big batc k of physical health problem be frozen and re hes that can s, boost energy he at , ed as needed. an d improve sleep when you need it most. • Plan your mea ls for the week. • Avoid junk food s high in salt, fa • Ke ep aw ay t an from drugs and d sugar: these foods can affect alcohol. your mood and energy levels.
Sleep well Getting good sleep may be the hardest thing to do, even though you feel worn out. Grieving is hard work and you may be having dreams that wake you up or thoughts that keep you awake. It’s normal for your sleep to be interrupted for a while. Try to stay with your usual sleep routine, going to bed and getting up at the usual times. Switch off devices at least an hour before you go to bed. Take naps when you need to. If you’re having trouble sleeping, try: • listening to music • having a warm bath before bed • reading a book • getting up if you’re tossing and turning. Have a cup of herbal tea or hot milk, read for a while, then go back to bed.
a u r i a w Taha spiritual he
h) t l a e h l a u t (spiri
reath’, aning ‘b a e m ’ m e itu red to b rd ‘spir atin wo ua’, is conside e’. L e h t rc air rom it or ‘w r ‘life fo omes f Spirit c reath, our spir g alive. It is ou b in and like tal part of be n e m a d n fu
h alt Taha Wairua
spiritual he
So what is yway? n a y t i l a u spirit
h alt
sa ok upon it a You could lo g, in or a belong connection, n g bigger tha to somethin the a search for ourselves … we life. Why are meaning of est p are the dee here? What ur o hich we live values by w as h ’ ‘spirituality lives? Often d n a nnotation a religious co rred fe re ur spirit is ce sometimes o la p e ul’, or as th s to as our ‘so n o ti eepest emo where our d er live. and charact
t b u o d s u e k a m n Loss ca . n i e v e li e b e w everything our worldview. ligion could Loss challenges ning how your re tio es qu be ay m hen you’ve been ious belief, you this happened w hy w ng If you have a relig ki as be d reasons why e die. You may ers, meaning, an sw an r fo let your loved on g in ch beliefs you ectful life. Sear tion any religious es qu to living a good, resp u yo e us s died may ca your loved one ha may have.
Tip:
If you are a mem ber of a church or religious orga nisation, speaki ng to someone you tr ust within your church may help.
When someone we love dies ...
… it’s normal to qu estion the meani ng and purpose Why did this pers of life and death. on have to die? W hy am I still alive This may be the and they aren’t? first time you’ve thought about th answers are hard ese things and th to find because no e body really know have experienced s. Most adults the loss of loved ones and may ha to share with you. ve some thoughts Talking to someo ne you trust and with may help. feel comfortable Maybe you weren ’t into formal relig ion before your pe now you feel draw rson died, and n to it. If this give s you support an it can be a positiv d comfort, then e thing. The sam e with spirituality interest in other . Developing an beliefs can often provide answers to what has happ and some meani ened. ng
for you right Tip: What questions are most import,tant a or trusted now? Write them down, ask a paren adult, to sit down and go through them with you.
’ r. e g n ro t s u o y e k a m n a c s s o ‘L istic to think this stronger person but it’s unreal a you ke ma y ma one ed lov The loss of a else that life throws at you. will help you tackle anything think your loved yourself to live up to what you on ns atio ect exp ce pla to It’s also unfair ’t want. ecially if it’s something you don one would have wanted, esp your parents need to fulfil the expectations the l fee y ma you d, die has If your sibling for you. even though that’s unrealistic had for your sister or brother, fulfil the dreams and when you’re not, and trying to Thinking you should be strong t. A spiritual belief or rself, can cause internal conflic expectations of others, or you re and a way forward. help you make sense of the futu some religious guidance may
Attending a funeral, Tangi or memorial When someone dies, we usually remember them with a ritual (funeral). The type of ritual depends on your family’s beliefs, or those of the person who has died. A ritual may be a religious ceremony in a church, a non-religious celebration of life, or just a gathering of close family and friends in remembrance of the person (memorial). These rituals give us a chance to express our grief and to begin the process of acknowledging, and accepting, the loss. There is comfort in knowing others share your sadness, and a funeral or memorial gives you a chance to participate if you want to. You can give a reading, maybe play some music, say a few words, or just be there. You may not have attended a funeral or memorial service before but doing so may bring comfort and a way to share the burden of your grief with others.
or words at a funeral or Tip: Expressing yourself through music bye. Tangi gives you a chance to say good
Taha whanau (fa mily
health)
health y l i am
f
Our family /wh who we are anau provides us wit h the stren . Our Wha gth to be nau links u history, to s to our an what is ha c e p st pening now o in the futu and what m rs, our re. During times of lo a y happen but they m ss, we ofte ay be tryin n turn to fa g to deal w mily ith their ow n grief too .
Taha Whanau
Grief can affect everything abou t your family incl with each other. uding how you co It may be easy to nnect share your feelin uncomfortable ta gs, or you might lking about it be feel cause your pare dealing with thei nts and siblings r grief and you do are n’t want to mak Everyone is diffe e things worse. rent. How your br other or sister ha intense, or they ndles it may be might not seem more to care as much you might see a as you do, and th family in a TV sh en ow dealing with not doing it like grief and think, that. What are w ‘We’re e doing wrong?’ There is no right or wrong way to grieve and yet so expectations an metimes d individual way s of grieving can or misunderstan create tension dings within a fa mily.
adult outside of the family to get Tip: Try talking to a trusted and your family, need. things clear on what you,
health y l i am
f
Families go through grief together and separately
If you are the one grieving, let your family be there for you It may be that you are experiencing a loss that is yours alone. Perhaps a friend of yours has died. Your family is there for you. Let them in. If you have younger brothers or sisters, your grief may be frightening for them and although they want to help, they may not know what to say or do. The key is talking: to your parents, your siblings, your friends, and other people you trust. Talk about the person who died, tell them how you are feeling.
Tip: If you need help outside of your family, speak to a school counselor, or call a telephone help line.
About your special pers on
Name
Birthday What did you like doing with the person who died
Is there music that reminds yo u of them?
Times you rem ember having fun
Remembering
• Plan ahead and communicate – everyone will have different needs and expectations. • Remember that your friends will have moved on and may not remember days that have special signifi cance for you. • Don’t expect too much of yourself or other family members.
One of the hardest things about the death of a parent or sibling is knowing they won’t be around for special occasions, birthdays and traditional holidays like Christmas.
• Understand that these celebrations may be hard and you may need to take special care of yourself.
Even though the celebrations won’t be the same , you and your family can still remember your loved one in a special way.
• Plan an outing to a place they loved, gather friends and family together to share memories, or have your own quiet time to think and remember.
Open and honest communication is the first step towards sharing ideas, wants and needs when it comes to remembering the person who died. Each of you may have a different idea and it can be hard to reach agreement. Involving someone you trust, outsid e of the family, may help you with the planning. There is no right or wrong way to remember the person who died. The first time without them may be the hardest and the lead up may be worse than the day itself. You may choose to do things differently as the years go by. Here are some helpful tips and activities (also known as rituals) you can do to remember the person who died.
• Listen to their favourite music. • Plant something in the garden and watch it grow. • Cook and serve their favourite foods. • Light a candle in remembrance of the person you loved. • Make up your own special way of remember ing.
her, and some Tip: Some families will remember toget wrong way. won’t. Remember there is no right or
Photo collage
Getting Support It can be hard to ask for help .. … but no one expects you to go through grief on your own, especially as the grieving process can last a long time. Support can come in many forms and the type you need may depend on where you are in the grief process. It can be a relief to: - be honest about how you are feeling - open up about what’s going on - admit that you’re not doing as well as you would like. Finding the right support You may need to try a few support options until you find what’s right for you. Parents Your Mum and Dad may be dealing with their own grief and you may worry that adding yours will be too much. Try telling them how they can support you. That may be as easy as letting them know you are OK for now, or you’re receiving support from somewhere else. Extended family and family friends Aunts, uncles and grandparents may already have important roles in your life and be able
to offer support if you need to speak to someone outside of the immediate family. Your parents’ friends can also be great sources of support. They will know you and your siblings well, and will have some understanding of what has happened. Counselors Sometimes it can help to talk to someone who does not know you or your family, a person you can tell things you might not want to say to anyone else. Counselors are trained to help you cope with grief, anger and fear. Your school may have a counselor, or your doctor may be able to organise one for you. Family doctor Your doctor may have known you and your family for a long time and they may also know what is happening. Grief can cause many physical symptoms. Staying healthy is important and a doctor visit may be really helpful if you’re worried and feeling unwell. Your doctor can also refer you to community health services such as counseling.
Friends Some of your friends may be great at giving support but you may need to ask, or let them know what they can do to support you. Community support groups Going along to a ‘support group’ may not be your style at all but try it and you may be surprised. You’ll meet other young people who have ‘been there too’ and can relate right away to what you’re going through. These groups are run by trained facilitators and are offered by many community organisations. Online support Chat forums, Blogs and online support can be helpful. Reading someone else’s story or thoughts can be reassuring because you know you’re not alone. You can be anonymous online and that may be easier for you than having to ask someone for support.
Help is Here Counseling Kenzie’s Gift www.kenziesgift.com 027 345 2514 hello@kenziesgift.com Kenzie’s Gift offers community services and support for children and their families and whanau living with a diagnosis of serious illness or a bereavement. Focuses on children, teens, and young adults aged 5 – 24 years. Also provides advice and practical information for parents. CanTeen www.canteen.org.nz 0800CANTEEN (226 8336) National organisation with a mission to support, develop and empower young people living with cancer through a national peer support network and professional, educational and recreational programmes.
The Mental Health Foundation www.mentalhealth.org.nz The Mental Health Foundation of New Zealand is a charity that works towards creating a society free from discrimination, where all people enjoy positive mental health & wellbeing. It has extensive online resources to help support you. The Grief Centre www.griefcentre.org.nz (09) 418 1457 office@griefcentre.org.nz Variety of services to support those who are grieving such as individual or family counselling and support groups. Auckland/North Shore area. Home and Family Counselling www.homeandfamily.org.nz Home and Family Counselling provides professional, affordable counselling for children, teenagers, individuals,
couples, and families. Payment is by donation (on a sliding scale according to income). Serves Auckland areas including North Shore and Rodney. See website for contact information. Skylight www.skylight.org.nz 0800 229 100 reception@skylight-trust.org.nz National organisation offering a wide range of services to support people of all ages facing issues of loss, trauma and grief. Also equips, trains and supports those wanting to assist them, such as family, friends, community volunteers and professionals.
Help is Here Telephone support For young adults and teens Lifeline - 24 hour telephone counselling and advice www.lifeline.org.nz 0800 LIFELINE (0800 543 354) or text HELP (4357) for free, confidential support, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. “Whatever the issue, we’re here to listen. We’re committed to providing a safe, effective and confidential service to support the emotional and mental wellbeing of our callers and communities.” The Lowdown www.thelowdown.co.nz 0800 111 757 or text 5626 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. “Sometimes life’s ups and downs are more than just the usual ups and downs. If you’re stuck feeling bad
we’ll help you figure out if it could be anxiety or depression. Whatever’s going on you’ll find ideas and people who can get you unstuck.”
For children
What’s Up https://www.whatsup.co.nz 0800 942 8787 Call Mon-Fri noon to 11pm, Sat/Sun 3pm – 11pm Chat online Mon-Fri 1pm – 10pm, Sat/ Sun 3pm – 10pm
Kidsline is New Zealand’s original telephone counselling service for children. Kidsline is here to talk and listen to all New Zealand kids up to age 18. Kids can phone from any telephone in New Zealand, including mobile phones. Kidsline is available nationwide
What’s Up is run by Barnardos New Zealand. It’s a free, nationally-available counselling helpline and webchat service for children and teenagers. Youthline www.youthline.co.nz 0800 376 633, or text 234 talk@youthline.co.nz New Zealand-wide counseling services by phone, text, chat, Skype and in person. Most services are free, the rest are affordable.
Kidsline 0800 543 754 4pm – 9pm, Mon – Fri.
Help is Here Websites Kenzie’s Gift www.kenziesgift.com Offers more information on coping with grief and loss and personal stories. Child Bereavement UK www.childbereavementuk.org Support for bereaved children. Citizens Advice Bureau www.cab.org.nz Visit the website to find an office near you. The Dougy Centre www.dougy.org “The mission of The Dougy Center is to provide support in a safe place where children, teens, young adults and their families grieving a death can share their experiences.”
Hope Again www.hopeagain.org.uk
Winston’s Wish www.winstonswish.org.uk
UK site providing support, advice and information for bereaved children and young adults.
For bereaved children and teens. Support and online activities.
Reach Out www.reachout.org.au A site for young people going through tough times. Lots of resources for coping with grief and loss, including mobile apps Skylight NZ www.skylight.org.nz Offers resources, links, downloads and excellent articles. What’s your grief www.whatsyourgrief.com “Our mission is to promote grief education, exploration, and expression in both practical and creative ways.”
Notes A space for you to write down anything you want or may need to remember
Notes
We would like to thank the fantastic contributors who have helped develop The Kenzie’s Gift Memories are Forever Kits. They are: Lorna Wood (Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist) Jane Bissell (Copy Writer) Ashleigh Patton (Designer) Contributing Artists from The Great NZ Colouring Book: Fiona Clarke Tony McCabe Jo Wilson Jasmine Cobby Amelie Hansen Lynda Bell Molly Hansen Nicola Kimpton
Peter Kyle Lorraine Martin Scarlet Hansen Hiria Shanks Katie Marshall Adam Kirkeby Emma Tucker Ange Lewis
Melissa Boerlage Timothy McAninch Fiona Hayward Roger Thomas Jocelyn Hughes Alex Fitzgerald-Webb Frankie Annelouke Bakker
We also acknowledge the wonderful support of our Kenzie’s Gift Ambassador and Guardians: Nigel Latta