@thepharcyde_tbs
THE BENJAMIN SCHOOL NEWSPAPER 4875 Grandiflora Road, Palm Beach Gardens, FL 33418
1 April 2021
@thepharcyde_tbs Volume 42
Issue 7
Assembly Ends
ON TIME
Lessons Run Short, Planner Unchanged Economics Teacher’s Identity Revealed @SophiaLicorice Dr. Hope Myers has been an incredible asset to the School throughout her tenure as a member of the faculty, teaching tough courses like AP Microeconomics, AP Macroeconomics, and AP World History; however, after several years of being known by colleagues and students as Hope, it has been uncovered that her legal name is Despair. This new and unexpected piece of information has come as a shock to both students and faculty around the Benjamin community. Senior Gwen Savidge has grown close with Dr. Myers throughout her years at the School and can’t seem to grasp the uncovered information. “I’ve known Dr. Myers for four years, and she has become a large part of my high school experience when it comes to helping coach the lacrosse team, but I knew that Dr. Myers as Hope. It just seems like it would be a huge adjustment for me to get to know her as Despair. I’m not sure if I can handle such a change,” Savidge said. The discovery of her real name has been a big deal for Dr. Myers to adapt to as well. “I went by Hope when I was initially hired at the Benjamin School because it seemed like such a positive and lively environment that I wasn’t willing to risk destructing such a community by having to be known as
Despair to my colleagues. Now that the information has been released, the School seems to be accepting of my true self, so I think I am going to take this opportunity to transition into going by the name I was given,” Dr. Myers said. Dr. Myers is known as a positive member of the community, blessing students with her bagpipe playing, happily greeting everyone in the hallways, and, of course, giving her positive outlook on the economy in her classes. Before she can fully reaccepts her identity as Despair , there will be a transitional period during which she will go by Hope Less Myers. She believes the gradual shift implied by the middle name will make the transition easier for her and others around her. Despite her true identity being uncovered, Dr. Myers aims to keep her personality. “I don’t really think this will change much for me, if anything it will make me even more positive as I transition into being my truest self. Hope will always be a part of me even as I go by Despair, but a first name will not have much effect on my personality and how people perceive me at school,” Dr. Myers added. While it will be an adjustment for students and faculty to get to know Despair instead of Hope, the community will be supportive and accepting of Dr. Myers no matter her name.
While most people know her as Dr. Hope Myers, she has recently revealed her real identity to be Despair Myers. She is glad to finally share her real self with the Benjamin community.
All the Answers to Your Questions: Q & A Benjamin Edition Q: What book should we add to the English curriculum? A: The handbook Q: Why have people seen the face of Britney Spears in our lake? A: The lake is toxic Q: Why does the football team get more funding? A: Those bitter about this have obviously never experienced the highs and lows of high school football
iPhone Found After School-wide Effort, Maciel Thanks Benjamin Community @PonceDog The search is over. After answering their peer’s desperate call for help, students can rejoice as the phone has been found. On Feb. 25, Junior Antonio Maciel sent an email to the student body asking for help from his fellow peers in finding a “black iphone 10 w black case” (sic). This email started a mass search among all students all of whom showed their care and support for Maciel. This email chain connected the two campuses of The Benjamin School, with students in grades WOW-12th joining forces in the hunt. Every student began to search for Maciel’s phone and sent encouraging responses back in the email string. While some viewed the emails as distracting, others viewed it as a sign of spirit here at school. Maciel said, “It was really hopeful to see how many students responded to the email in helping me search for my iPhone because it shows how much the students here really care about one another. At Oxbridge, I know my email would not receive any turnout, so it really just comes to show what a great community we have here at the school.” The first student to respond to Antonio’s email was 7th grader Isheanesu Makoni, who responded with, “sry
antonio i don’t gotchu.” Makoni caught the attention of many, though the response to his posting focused on its negative nature rather than it’s speedy announcement. In response, Makoni sent another email apologizing Antonio for his response and wishing him the best of luck in the quest of finding his iPhone. This email in turn led to a spew of responses from students of all grade levels commending Makoni for his apology email showing how courteous the Benjamin student body is. Mr. Carr and Mr. Hagy who are heads of the Upper School and Middle School, respectively, were both included on the mass email chain because of FOMO (fear of missing out). Both Carr and Hagy were shocked at the amount of attention Antonio’s phone received. Mr. Carr said, “I am pleasantly shocked at how much attention Antonio’s lost iPhone received from the students. Each email response showed the amount of love and support we have here at the Benjamin School.” Both Carr and Hagy believe this type of behavior should be further encouraged and that students should start more mass emails because it unites the populations of the School’s two campuses.
Hagy summarized it best, writing, “I love receiving dozens of emails from students all saying meaningful messages like “hope you find your phone Antonio” and “good luck on finding your phone Antonio” because it reminds me how strong the bond is here among students at school. I hope to receive more emails like this in the future!”
Antonio is estatic after finding his iPhone. He also wants to thank the entire school community for supporting him throughout his journey, which shows the Benjamin spirit and pride in our community. Bucs Unite!
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1 April 2021
Yates Starts Cloudy Club; Sunshine Club Responds @JaneGirlland Mr. Ruggie, the Upper School’s chief meteorologist, has been noticeably absent from BTV this year. Why? He’s been tracking the collision of two weather fronts: the longstanding Sunshine Club and the newly formed Cloudy Club. Growing increasingly concerned that unhappy students are feeling left out, Student Services Counselor Dr. Renea Yates recently began recruiting members for her newest project: the Cloudy Club. Dr. Yates is excited to share her thoughts about her reasoning for the group’s inception. “The Sunshine Club exists to help create a community full of kindness, joy, and gratitude! I didn’t want other emotions to feel left out so I created the Inside Out Club so we could also spread sadness, anger, fear, and disgust!” She explained Sophomore Charlie “St. Cloud” Spungin joined the Cloudy Club, and shares his experience in the few meetings they have had.
“I feel so included, and I’m able to be mad all the time. At each meeting, all of the members go into Dr. Yates’ office and cry. We bond through our tears. It’s safer than being a blood brother, according to what I learned in HSB.” The Club has even found some converts to its cause. Senior Briley Crisafi, once known for her smile and upbeat personality, attended a Storm (what the Cloudy Club calls meetings) and has moped about the experience ever since. “I used to act when I was on stage, forcing myself to pretend I was sad in the One Act play festival. Now, I realize I was just unwilling to be myself. It’s why I am so drawn to realistic performances.” Not everyone on campus is breaking out the umbrella and rainboots to welcome the Cloudy Clubbers to Benjamin. For Junior and President of the Sunshine Club Lauren Straub, the two groups cannot share a space and both thrive. “ I’m not too happy about the
Cloudy club. That means there is darkness in the world, and I don’t like it. Sunshine is all around us, even at school,” said Straub through a red-Kardashian lip-kitted mouth. Dr. Yates disagrees, noting, “It’s good to recognize diversity. Even the sunniest days have clouds.” Seeking a remedy to the disagreement, Upper School Head of School Fletcher Carr has appointed Mr. Ruggie to the role of mediator. “Mr. Ruggie is great at balancing equations, so he should also be able to balance the emotions within the Benjamin community. As he is a meteorologist, I can’t imagine a better candidate for not only helping calm the storm, but also predicting it before it happens.” Accepting the challenge of a new role, Mr. Ruggie offered a weather-related allegory. “What I’ve been trying to explain is that some people look up and say, ‘it’s partly sunny today,’ and others say ‘it’s partly cloudy.’ I look up and say, it’s South Florida, you know, it’s not snowing.”
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Although 2021 has been a very abnormal year, we finally have some normalcy when Ms. Mays was named as Miss. April, the best pi baker of the month on March 14th. The voting was close between Ms. Mays cherry pi who received 12 votes and Mrs. Augusts apple pi who received 11 after leaving the school earlier this year. “I am honored to be named as Miss. April, and want to congratulate everyone that baked among me. It was a very long process, and I hope every candidate was happy with their pi,” said Ms. Mays. After the race was over, Ms. August held an emergency press conference to confront the voting committee, arguing the race was rigged because May is closer to April than is August, but the committee led by Dean Jacobsen guaranteed their truthfulness, and stood by their voting process.
“The voting committee consisted of teachers, students, and alumni. The voting was online, but was closely monitored to make sure it was completely fair. We can assure you that the end result was not forged in any way,” said Dean Jacobsen. When asked to provide a copy of the form used to tabulate the results, Director of Technology Russell Tepper said one could not be produced as it was created using Microsoft Excel, which is not allowed to be used on any device on the Benjamin campus. After this statement, August only got more angry by throwing a tantrum and throwing out many accusations that could definitely stir the pot even more. Eventually, she ran out of breath, but before she did, she let out some truly inspirational words. “I am heartbroken that the School, my school, would go against me in a way like this. I do not know what they think they are getting out of this. I will be taking them to court
On Mar. 26, Upper School Dean of Students Kevin Jacobsen found himself in a real-life version of Home Alone when Benjamin’s administration and faculty left him behind when departing for a weekend team bonding retreat. After waking up on the morning of the retreat four hours late, Kevin looked around and realized he was completely alone on the Upper School Campus. At first, he was ec-
static to have no supervision from Mr. Carr. To celebrate, he ate all the snacks in the Snack Bar, performed his favorite song, “New Rules” by Dua Lipa on stage in Benjamin Hall (which has inspired him to create new and stricter rules for Benjamin students), and also dressed the Avenue Q puppets in proper Benjamin uniforms. While he was having all of his fun, Mr. and Mrs. Carr realized their mistake and panicked. “I don’t understand how this
After being left behind from the faculty’s camping retreat, Dean of Students, Kevin Jacobsen, panics as he learns he is “Home Alone” at the School all weekend.
could have happened!” Mr. Carr exclaimed. “We checked to make sure we had everything we needed so many times: water, food, blankets… I never thought we would forget Kevin!” After discussing the situation on the phone, both Jacobsen and the rest of the administration agreed that he should stay at school for the weekend to watch over it and make sure everything was in order. “I really felt a large sense of responsibility to protect the School,” Jacobsen explained; “Because of this, I decided to take over the job of the security team: no one would come in or out of Benjamin during my weekend on duty.” For the first day, everything was calm. Jacobsen patrolled the hallways, drove around in a big-boy’s golf cart (“It’s so much cooler than my regular patrol cart,” Jacobsen noted), and even checked inside every classroom to make sure everything was in order. After doing his job for the day, he went late night fishing in the lake, caught a large fish that would put him in first place for Benjamin’s lunchtime fishing contest, and went back to his office to sleep underneath his desk for the night. “I used some Lost and Found clothing to create a make-shift bed
Mr. Archer to Compete in “The Masked Teacher,” Don’t Miss it! @SophiaLicorice
Director of Multimedia Production at the School Mr. Ken Archer will be taking a brief leave of absence to pursue his life-long passion of being on a game show. Mr. Archer will be starring in a show entitled “The Masked Teacher,” a spin-off of Fox’s hits “The Masked Singer” and “The Masked Dancer.” The new series, with its more educational focus, will instead premier on PBS. During the show’s run, Archer will compete against various other teachers from different schools across the country to see who is really the best. “I’m very excited for this opportunity and to see how it goes. I remember watching “The Masked Singer” during quarantine and wanting to be on that show so badly. I’m glad I was able to find a way to be on
the same type of show,” Mr. Archer said. Needless to say, Mr. Archer’s students, like senior Devyn Dyett, have been watching him prepare for the event and are confident that he will succeed. “Everyday in class, Mr. Archer explains how the show works and then proceeds to practice teaching us different subjects. Monday is history, Tuesday is science, Wednesday is a medley of Spanish, French, and Mandarin, Thursday is random facts, and Friday is his specialty, film,” said Dyett. To support Mr. Archer on his big endeavor, the BTV crew is planning a special surprise for Mr. Archer for the premier episode. “We made him a special mask that we are going to present to him on the next newscast of BTV to show
our appreciation and support. We understand that this is a big deal for Mr. Archer, so we want to be as encouraging as possible,” Dyett added. This will be a big event for the Benjamin community so be sure to tune in to root for Mr. Archer.
Mr. Archer studies all sorts of subjects in order to compete in “The Masked Teacher.” The show premiers on April 3rd at 8:00 pm on PBS.
and pillow,” Jacobsen said; “an unintended positive was that I woke up smelling of a refreshing mix of Axe body spray and Gucci perfume-- no need for the old, Old Spice!” This is when everything took a turn. At 9:00 a.m., he started to do his morning patrol, and saw a car in the parking lot. He immediately panicked because no one should be on campus on a Sunday morning; however, he calmly went back to his office to design a plan to defeat the intruder. “This is what I have been waiting for all weekend. I am prepared. I am ready. And I am going to keep this school safe,” he said passionately. He placed pencils all over the hallways, collected all the tennis balls from the courts as weapons, and used his fishing line to make trip wires throughout all the main hallways. Then, he waited. When the intruder came around the corner of building five, Jacobsen made his move. He threw tennis balls and more pencils at the intruder, and then performed a tackle that would have made the football boys proud. When he finally looked at who the intruder was, he realized he had made a mistake. It was Mrs. Osborne. Before Mrs. Osborne could see who had attacked her, Jacobsen had run back to his office to wait for the adminis-
trators’ return. “I don’t even know what hit me. One minute I was walking through the hallways, and the next minute, I was on the floor. I couldn’t see my attacker, but he kind of looked like a golf player in a sweater vest? I was just trying to grade my students’ pinch pots,” Mrs. Osborne remarked sadly; “I come to campus when no one is here so I can grade assignments safely and instead, I get tackled from behind; I don’t even know if the guy had on a mask!” When the administrators got back, the School was in perfect condition. Mrs. Osborne had gone home to ice her leg, and Jacobsen had cleaned up everything and welcomed the administrators home with a smile. “I really was bummed to not have spent the time bonding on the retreat, but Mr. Carr promised me that he’s trying to get funding for an even better one next year,” Jacobsen said. “He’s assured me that it won’t be a trip to New York City, though, as Coach Smith keeps telling him about being robbed by the Sticky Bandits and encountering creepy bird ladies in Central Park when he boarded a different plane than the rest of his Benjamin classmates when heading on a Spring Break to France back in the day.”
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because they hurt my feelings if they do not commence a recount immediately,” said Ms. August. Many students also have their own opinions on if there should be a recount or not, and many people believe that the reason Ms. August left is to avoid situations like this. “I believe that May is the best month since it is right before summer, and August has always been known as the worst since it is when we go back to school. I think that there should not be a recount as apple pi does not taste good,” said Mei Visconti. “I believe there should be a recount for the votes since in 2021 everyone should be a winner or it isolates the losers,” said freshman Julian Janin. With a recount of the votes appearing impossible, Ms. Mays looks forward to a month filled with masked baby kissing, socially distanced hand waving, and champagne-free boat christenings.
In an intense baking competition called Miss. April, Ms. Mays wins first place with Ms. August at a close second.
Koures In, Lockey Out as Choral Director
Upper School Faculty Goes on Bonding Retreat, Leaves Dean of Students “Home Alone” for the Weekend @SkyHigh
Ms. Mays Named Miss April; Mrs. August Demands Recount @Ginge
Dr. Yates’ creation of the Cloudy Club sparked some controversy at Benjamin. While some students value the outlet to express their sad emotions, members of the Sunshine Club don’t want the darkness to swallow their light, which is why meteoroligist and math teacher, Mr. Ruggie, will be helping create a balance.
1 April 2021
@Quarterzipboy561
Leader of the Knights-mares and science teacher Amanda Pierman is pictured while picketing the renaming of Mole Hill. Pierman protests every afternoon, save for a brief break for tea time.
Pierman Leads Moles in Boycott of Name Change @Doctopus
As cartographers busily work to update their maps to reflect changes recently passed by the Florida Legislature, Science teacher Mrs. Amanda Pierman is busily planning a boycott of the Mole Hill community’s new name: Mole Mountain. “It’s rubbish. To start, the Legislature has shown utter disregard for the chemistry community by having the changes take place on Avogadro Day-- June 6, 2021-- rather than on Mole Day, Oct. 23rd,” remarked Pierman. The Legislature passed the renaming after testimony from local geologists confirmed that the county’s newest home development, Mole Hill, is actually three feet too high to fit within the definition of a hill. Leader of The Sky Has a Limit, the Alton-based environmental group Dr. Flora Bookay, explained why the name change is important; “We want our children to know that hills are not mountains, just as ponds are not lakes. Our communities deserve to reflect scientific fact, not commercial whimsy.” The change in name follows other recent renamings, including Juno Ridge to Juno Dunes, Jupiter Farms to Land of Larger Lawns, and Singer Island to Mute Barrier Island. A scientist at heart, Pierman nonetheless disagrees with her colleagues. “It’s all about the measurement system. Under the metric system, which really is the superior system of mea-
Jenny’s Jams
surement, Mole Hill is very much a hill. To call it anything but would be codswallop.” To support the residents of Mole Hill, Pierman has called for daily picketing at the intersection of Elm St. and Donald Ross Blvd., the site of the community’s welcome sign. “We’ve dubbed ourselves The Knights-mares on Elm Street, as we’ve decided that protests are more effective when we are mounted and in full armor,” said Pierman; “Anyone who’s watched Monty Python knows that intimidation is best when served with a bit of chivalry.” When asked about the boycott, State Rep. Winston Smith was unrelenting. “We’ve been watching. We’re always watching. The thing is, though, that once the State has decided something, the people need to get in line and obey. Mole Hill will become Mole Mountain this summer, whether the Knights-mares on Elm Street like it or not,” said Smith while drinking a Cherry-Slurpee. As the saga plays out, Pierman remains undaunted. “We will not sit idly by as the government makes a mountain out of Mole Hill. The gormless elected officials will see the errors of their ways; we will not skive off in our defense of our communities.” If you are interested in joining the Knight-mares, please trot your way over any afternoon; the group gathers from 2pm to 7pm, “in honor of Euler, and in the name of Mole.” For free delivery, call today:
561-867-5309
In an unexpected turn of events, physics teacher Dr. Koures has staged a coup, becoming Benjamin’s choir director after successfully ousting former music teacher Dr. Nick Lockey from the position. Not surprisingly, soon after the now former physics teacher’s takeover, which he passed off as entirely democratic, he informed the student body and administration that he was legally changing his last name and should only be referred to as Dr. Chorus. The name must be spoken in a B-sharp pitch or else he will beat you on the head with a baton. Head of the Upper School Mr. Fletcher Carr was the first to hear about both the name change and Dr. Chorus’ power grab. “It’s understandable that Dr. Chorus would want to have his name changed after transitioning to his new role,” Mr. Carr said while laughing and using air quotes. “His background in physics is sure to have a lasting effect on the choir’s ability to project,” he added. In his first order of business, Dr. Chorus chose to forcefully amp up participation in the School’s choir. In just a matter of days, its numbers shot up from the single digits to nearly 100 participants, all because of Dr. Chorus’ new rule: unless students have been in the same elective for two years, they must join the choir. As a result, it is no longer uncommon to hear underclassmen belting out classics in the halls and bathroom stalls.
“I was so used to flushing toilets through the wall, that it’s weird to hear Jake Zur singing Lizzo instead. Just the other day, my senior elective was serenaded by Hudson Byrne cooing ‘The Best of Both Worlds’ in the middle of my lesson!” said English teacher Dr. John Peruggia. Unfortunately, Dr. Chorus’ policy has thrown a wrench in the scheduling of some of the School’s traditional graduation requirements such as computer science and human systems biology. When asked about why she wouldn’t override the Chorus Rule, which she would normally have the authority to do, Academic Dean Mrs. Caroline Guzman was blunt. “If I’m being honest, we’re all a little scared right now. Dr. Taylor and Dr. Yates, who help me with creating schedules, are worried that if we push back against him, we’ll also be forced into the choir! None of us can hit a high-C. As far as I’m concerned, Dr. Chorus can do what he pleases,” Mrs. Guzman said In his second order of business, Dr. Chorus demanded that the School expand his budget so that roughly 65% of all School funds are allotted to the choir and its related activities. The school gave into his demands, with CFO/COO Mrs. Leslie Downs saying: “Well, yikes! Dr. Chorus’ wishes have certainly put a financial strain on other parts of school, but we are willing to take drastic measures if it means pleasing him,” she said while nervously looking around her office and outside her window. On the bright side, Dr. Chorus’
compulsory attendance rule for those without a defined elective and his ability to secure a large amount of funds have propelled the choir to new heights. According to RT News, Benjamin now has the best high school choir program in the state and is in the top 100 in the country.
Dr. Chorus puts his foot down on Dr. Lockey and the School as he takes over as choral director. By forcing students to take chorus, Dr. Chorus has turned the Benjamin Chorus into the best singing program in Florida.
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1 April 2021
School Hires New Teachers to Fill Vacancies, Dora, Kanye, and Sheldon Selected to Teach @SkyHigh When teachers depart, the School has to find highly skilled, knowledgeable, passionate people to fill those spots. For the 2021-2022 school year, the School has gone above and beyond all expectations, and hired Sheldon Cooper, Dora the Explorer, and Kanye West to fill its anticipated physics, language, and literature positions, respectively. The School was absolutely thrilled to receive Cooper’s application as a candidate. At the age of 14 years old, Cooper graduated college and started graduate school at the California Institute of Technology, where he was the youngest person in the world to receive the Stevenson Award. He got his first doctorate at 16-years old and his second one four years later, and worked as a theoretical physicist until he decided he wanted to teach at the Benjamin school. “I am ecstatic to be working in a facility such as Benjamin with so many resources and students eager to learn about physics. I think I will start my lessons for the year by explaining the simple matter of Quantum Physics, and we will gradually get more complicated from there,” Cooper explained. Cooper is not playing any games.
Students should be warned that if they choose to take his class, they need to be extremely invested in pursuing physics. He added, “I do want it to be noted that I do not tolerate stupid people. I do not believe in personal lives. Everyone says that you can’t live without love, I think oxygen is more important. Bazinga!” The School is also excited to have Dora the Explorer join the World Languages Department next year. With her monkey, Boots, as a therapy monkey for the students, the School is confident that Dora will make an exceptional addition to the Benjamin community. “I was thoroughly impressed with Dora’s credentials when she came for an interview. She introduced us to Boots, and told us incredible stories of adventures she has been on with her monkey and backpack by her side. We couldn’t be happier to have such an experienced and well traveled teacher,” Mr. Carr commented on the matter. Dora explained her thoughts on what her lesson plan is for the first day of school and getting to know all of her students. “Hola! Soy Dora! Can you help me find my lucky pencil? I had it this morning but I can’t seem to find it
now. I have my trusty backpack with my singing map to help us along the way! Vamanos!” She only has one concern for the school year, and wants to make sure that all of her classed understand what they have to do in that situation if such were to occur. “Hola! Soy Dora! Unfortunately, a mean fox has been trying to steal all of the treasures I have collected on my adventures. So class, if a fox comes in, we all say together “SWIPER NO SWIPING!” she added. In addition to Cooper and Dora, Kanye West will be joining the English Department. West will be taking over Mr. Feyk’s role. Although he was hesitant at first to become an English teacher, he talked with Mr. Feyk about how he currently runs his AP class and was convinced pretty much right away. “After hearing how Feykdog teaches his classes, I realized that AP Literature is really AP Rap, or at least it will be when I am there. Feykdog told me he sings to his classes and plays guitar, and while he likes to play Bob Dylan or Bruce Springsteen, I am gonna play my songs,” West freestyled. Mr. Feyk thinks Kanye will be an incredible addition to the English Department and has high hopes for the
future of AP Literature students at the School. “Kanye’s songs really just spoke to me. ‘Gold Digger,’ ‘Famous,’ ‘Stronger,’ and ‘Heartless’ have to be my favorite songs, right up there with Bob Dylans ‘Like a Rolling Stone.’ He really just inspired me, and I think
it is such an innovative way to go about teaching an English class in th4 modern era.” The School is excited to welcome these new hires, and the administrators have full confidence they will fit right in to the diverse and knowledgeable Benjamin community.
The Benjamin School has decided to fill the faculty vacancies with highly qualified individuals. Dora the Explorer will be teaching Spanish, Sheldon Cooper will be teaching Physics, and Kanye West will take a break from stealing microphones from teenagers at the VMAs so he can teach English.
Spanish Teacher Revealed to be Avatar All Along @Quarterzipboy561 Students recently discovered that Señora Casiano, who has been working remotely because of the pandemic, has not actually been teaching during class. Rather, she has been using an avatar to teach in her place. Señora Casiano’s master plan was uncovered when a student in one of her classes asked what he believed was his teacher how she was doing, to which the avatar replied: “Yes, the second person ending of the preterite is ‘-aste’,” according to several students in the class. This out-of-place response led several students to repeatedly test what they hypothesized was an avatar rather than the real Señora Casiano. After a week of class in which students repeatedly asked pointed questions, they came to the conclusion that it was in fact, an avatar taking the place of their Spanish teacher. The avatar had simply run out of ‘canned phrases’ and began recycling them, making for an awkward situation. Casiano was alerted to the matter
soon after by Director of Technology Mr. Russ Tepper. “Our systems flagged odd questions being posted into the Zoom chat of Señora Casiano’s Spanish classes,” said Tepper; “Her classes usually aren’t discussing the cartel or Brazillian waxing strategies.”
Confronted by Tepper’s worry, Señora Casiano seemed to remain unconcerned. When asked about this, Señora Casiano smirked, “So what?! Party don’t stop,” and proceeded to abruptly end a Zoom meeting with School administrators. While all this was happening in
Spanish teacher Senora Ivette Casiano has been virtual this year, so students were recently shocked to learn she has been using an avatar for most classes.
her virtual classroom, Señora Casiano was having the time of her life. “So, there were a couple of wonderful things I could do because of the avatar that would never have been possible without it. For instance, I got to hone my computer coding skills– which, ironically, helped me create the avatar in the first place. Also, I got to go parasailing and learn Swahili in all of my free time,” Señora Casiano said. “Rest assured that I was still helping my students with Spanish. If they had any questions, they knew to email me. I will say, it was quite difficult to respond when I was parasailing,” she added. After finding out about Señora Casiano’s actions, Head of the Upper School Mr. Fletcher Carr said: “While I do see some merit in what she was doing, I will be taking punitive action against Señora Casiano for a number of reasons. First of all, I am dumbfounded as to why she didn’t tell me about this! It’s a nearly foolproof trick that I need to exploit as well whenever I have to teach! Also, the fact that she had so much time on
her hands and the most exciting thing she did was parasail is a disgrace; she could have at least skydived or gone to Africa, but no,” Mr. Carr said in a sarcastic tone. As word spread through the grapevine about Señora Casiano’s cleverness, her fellow teachers are beginning to sing her praises. For instance, social studies teacher Mr. Nick Cramer had this to say: “When I was virtual earlier this year, having an avatar would have been so helpful: no grading, no teaching, and, best of all, no dealing with those pesky students. I’m hoping the administration makes this into something that all teachers can opt into when they feel like it.” Although administration’s plans are unknown for the time being regarding this field, it is clear that much of the faculty is supportive of Casiano’s actions and that avatars amuse students as they try to determine what, or who, is on the other side of the screen.
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Due to the high influx of emails by both the Philosophy Club and the Classics Club, the two have decided to merge to form the all-new Spam Email Club. This move will allow students to send as many emails as they want, but there are some worries that this will lead to fewer assemblies being cancelled.
Philosophy and Classics Club Merge to Form: Spam Email Club Sophomore Eric Sprague has finally agreed to merge the Philosophy Club with its most natural other half: the Classics Club, led by freshman Atticus Fasnakis-Nosal. Sprague reflects on the past year in the club and opens up about why he agreed to the merge. “We have discussed so many philosophical ideas and have had thought-provoking conversations,” he said. “My favorite: how many emails is too many? This question seemed to have an easy answer to me: there is no such number. We didn’t ask any of the club members about merging with the Classics Club, we just did it.” In honor of the move, Academic
Dean and Classics Club sponsor Mrs. Caroline Guzman has even decided to rename her newborn from Gabriel to Spam. Fasnakis-Nosal describes what they do in Classics Club meetings because no one knows. “We discuss a lot of different things and watch videos about them. We bring food and snacks for all of the members,” he said. “I agreed to the merge with the Philosophy Club because Eric said he would lead the meetings, and he intimidates me. He once convinced me that I wasn’t real, using some tactics he learned from a Dead Sea scroll.” Students are concerned that the merger will result in less email communication, as the two clubs’ digital notes usually fill mailboxes. “I really am scared that this will start a trend away from email and to-
wards assembly, and I liked having all of those assemblies cancelled. I have more time to fish,” said Mr. Carr. “How will I ever rise in the rankings if I can’t practice my over the shoulder flounder pounder.” Junior Demi den Bakker gives her take on the two clubs merging. “To be completely honest, I didn’t know there was a difference between the two clubs. Their emails just blended together. It’s only right that they merge because they are perfect for each other.” For those who are desperate for one final meeting before the merger takes place, please check out these links: Classics Club: https://thebenjaminschool.zoom.us/ j/93271181757?pwd=SERDSklNdnBVSWpQZWZEb2lseHA0Zz09 Philosophy club: https://us05web.zoom. us/j/82924399716?pwd=V3kwYUZxRjdnR3ZM-
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A Look Inside Benjamin’s Beauty Standard @Tgizzle Despite the cliche that looks do not matter as long as you have the right personality traits (kind, generous, hard-working), in this world, appearance is the only thing that is important and will be the top contender for making you successful in life. Indeed, looks only get you so far, as old age is accompanied by wrinkles and saggy skin. But, while in younger years, one must make sure to use their looks to climb and conquer the top by stomping on the less attractive people who will never manage to succeed to the level at which their most attractive counterparts can. You can be intelligent, kind, understanding, but say you apply for a job. The interviewer sees the way you look first, then they start talking to you. If you look unprofessional, unattractive, or carry any other appearance in the negative spectrum, consider yourself a failure right then and there. So, don’t be one of those people who puts more value on your “inner-self” than your outer-self. This is the first criteria the Benjamin School takes into consideration when deciding who is going to teach and who will attend the school. They only choose the most handsome and prettiest teachers and students. Otherwise, how could a school be full of such attractive students and faculty
members if it weren’t deliberate? I mean, all you need to do is glance at students like Nadia Poncy and Lukas Burnette, and faculty like Dr. John Peruggia and Sra. Ivette Casiano. Poncy and Burnette are athletic, lean, and have sharp facial features while Dr. Peruggia and Sra. Casiano carry themselves with confidence and have the most striking, captivating gaze anyone can fall under the spell of.
desire to only educate attractive people. According to an article on PsychCentral, “how you look says a lot about who you are and how you feel about yourself. Staying physically fit, being well-groomed, and dressing appropriately are indications that you respect and feel good about yourself, and want to present yourself in the best way.” Athletic Director Coach Ryan
In order to be a faculty member, there are certain beauty standards that must be met. Due to the high requirements, only the best of the best can be part of the Benjamin School, so for job applications, prospective teachers must submit a headshot so as to ensure the best quality of teaching.
All of this may sound superficial, but there are good reasons behind the
Smith said, “We are planning on implementing individual personal
training programs to ensure every faculty member maintains their lean structure and proper muscle mass. We cannot afford having a faculty member fall off the train and we are here to keep them in line. It’s super important that each and every teacher and administrator in this school holds up a proper physical appearance so they look nice to the outside world, which in turn helps to uphold the school’s reputation. And it’s a cherry on top that the athletic department spearheads this image, since I’m secretly hoping for a raise.” As for the faculty, all members of the administration are chosen from well-known model agencies such as Elite Model Management and the Marilyn Agency. Head of the Upper School Mr. Fletcher Carr said, “There is a very selective screening process in which we set up a program where we choose a baseline on ideal features a teacher should have. Then, we simply run the program that matches those models to the criteria.” For male faculty, criteria includes a minimum height requirement of 5’8, sharp jawlines, at least a six pack, and brown or blue eyes. For the female faculty, criteria includes a minimum height of 5’3, high cheekbones, and a lean figure. Also, female faculty members are required to get their eyebrows either threaded or
waxed once a month. It is precisely for these reasons that Mr. Perry Feyk has announced that he will be retiring. English teacher Ms. Sharon Wendler said, “Mr. Feyk was a very handsome man back in the day but obviously once we reach a certain age we all decide to halt our professional life. He decided to retire because he felt that he no longer fit the requirements Benjamin looks for when hiring. We will all miss him dearly, but sometimes, we must do the right thing even if it hurts.” A student who wishes to stay anonymous said, “I think the School is doing great so far, making sure that both students and faculty are of the highest caliber, appearance-wise. The only thing I think that will put this school on the map even more than it already is is to rehire Dr. Benjamin Harper. That would be really beneficial.” So, as you can see, looks are of the utmost importance when it comes to trying to maintain the School’s reputation. Personality traits such as intelligence, kindness, generosity, etc only come second to the appearance we must uphold and Benjamin students and faculty members.
Mr. Anderson Gets a New Dog @UnstereotypicalAsian The beloved historian Mr. Anderson recently got a companion to share with his wife. As Mr. Anderson is soon retiring, he decided he needed a little friend to accompany him in his lonesome days. The pupper whose name is Pepsi takes full control of Mr. and Mrs. Anderson. The dog who has now taken over the Anderson’s life is spoiled rotten by Mr. Anderson who never thought he would get a small yappy dog. In his classes, Mr. Anderson has this chi chi dog in his lap or near the side of his laptop who is always barking. “You know, this dog that my wife got out of surprise, I love. I never thought I would like a small, crustacious, ugly, grandma dog”, said Mr.
Philosophy and Classics Club Merge to Form Spam Email Club @JaneGirlland
1 April 2021
Mr. Steven Anderson got a new dog, Pepsi, recently. In a turn of events, Pepsi has started caring for Mr. Anderson.
Anderson. However, in a shocking turn of events, the dog has started to take care of Mr. Anderson. Students first learned of this last Saturday when they saw Mr. Anderson being walked by his dog Pepsi. On his recent upgrade from owned to owner, Pepsi said, “Woof woof woof woof. Bark Bark Bark Bark Bark.” Now that Mr. Anderson has gotten Pepsi, the crusty white dog has flipped the Anderson’s world upside down. Pepsi is a devil in disguise who takes over the house as well as the human beings inside. Mr. and Mrs. Anderson have pleaded on their knees for their new dog as Pepsi has been defecating all over their home. They both have so much love for Pepsi that they don’t mind she has taken over their lives. “We found Pepsi at a kill shelter, and I feel like her previous life with another family has made her what she is today with us,” said Mrs. Anderson. As Pepsi is partially blind and fully deaf, she can only hear what she wants and decides to not listen to Mr. Anderson especially when he is teaching class. In the background of zooming with him, the class can hear him trying to shush up Pepsi but she obviously does not feel obliged in listening to him and keeps yapping away.
Chinese teacher and yoga enthusiast Ms. Lei Deng Cohen, or Cohen Lao Shi, will be departing the School to follow the call of inner peace to Yellowstone National Park where she will replace Yogi Bear. While everyone will be sad to see her go, they are happy she is following her passion and will continue her lunch meditations at Old Faithful instead of Benjamin’s Lake.
Language Teacher Follows Dream, is Next Yogi Bear @Doctopus Inspired by the hit Peacock series Yellowstone, Benjamin’s resident Yoga instructor Cohen Lao Shi has decided to pack up her life and move west this summer. According to Cohen, beginning Jul. 1, she will be “replacing Yellowstone’s current Yogi, replacing picnic baskets with yoga mats, jelly donuts with fortune cookies, and the elks with pandas.” “When I grew up in China, I loved watching Yogi Bear cartoons. He made Yellowstone look so fun and pretty,” said Cohen. “When my daughter showed me the new show, I realized that the place is really beautiful. I told her we must go.” Yellowstone National Park covers an immense area, stretching across three states and over 2 million acres. Before COVID-19 affected the Park’s regulations, more than 4 million tourists visited each year. Cohen hopes to bond with these diverse peoples in her new role. “In the Yogi show, the bear had many friends. He would meet new people all the time,” said Cohen. “I love learning from people, so I too hope to make many new acquaintances.” Cohen’s personality makes her decision to move west a bittersweet one for many members in the Benjamin community. “She understands that it is our differences that help unite us,” said Dr. Amy Taylor; “Ms. Cohen will work tirelessly to help turn Yellowstone
into a global destination.” “It’s going to be sad to see her go,” Dr. Taylor said. “Ms. Cohen has transformed our Chinese program, she’ll be leaving behind shoes that are truly impossible to fill.” Cohen’s students are very disappointed. Freshman Atticus FasnakisNosal said he will miss Cohen’s positivity around campus, and her lunchtime Yoga sessions. “Ever since the fishermen started to creep onto the banks of the lake, things have been different. Ms. Cohen’s yoga sessions have provided a sense of normalcy and consistency amidst the changing landscape of lunch,” said Fasnakis-Nosal. Cohen plans to continue to offer yoga classes, albeit next to Old Faithful instead of “Lake Benjamin.” “Yogi was a yogi, and I am a yogi, so this will make much sense for everyone,” said Cohen. When contacted by The Pharcyde, Yellowstone’s Director, Ranger Smyth, seemed confused but excited by the prospect of Cohen’s arrival. “Well, the thing is, Yogi Bear is fictional. And he lived at Jellystone, not Yellowstone,” said Smyth. “Also, that park’s led by Ranger Smith, I’m Ranger Smyth-- with a y.” When told of this information, Cohen said it was Smyth, not her, who was misinformed. “Yogi Bear is not real? Who is this Smyth? Everyone knows that Yogi Bear is real. Next thing you will tell me is that Boo-Boo is not real. Bears are real. Boo-Boo is real. Picnic baskets are real. Smyth needs to
be more of a believer,” said Cohen. “People told me that yoga cannot lead to people floating, that meditating cannot let people float. But people can float. I know people who float.” “We are excited to welcome your Mrs. Cohen to the Yellowstone family,” said Smyth. “It’s not every day that a Chinese-language teacher and yogi wants to join our staff as a junior ranger. Plus, leaving Palm Beach for the much colder climates of Yellowstone-- I mean, you folks have beaches down there, right?” “Yellowstone has many lakes. I will swim in them,” explained Cohen. “A beach is sand near water. I am sure there are beaches in Yellowstone for me.” When asked about what most excites her about her new role, Cohen was introspective: “I long to grow more. Yellowstone is an opportunity for growth. To meditate more. To understand nature. To become one with the Earth. I am happy to do this.” “She’s always called me Boo,” said Cohen’s best friend and Upper School English teacher Dr. Peruggia; “I never thought she’d move away and replace me with Boo-Boo.” “Friends are everywhere,” said Cohen. “Boo, Boo-Boo, Boo-BooBoo-- I have many friends in Benjamin and I will have many more in Yellowstone. I will miss everyone, but I also will carry them with me. Yogi was smarter than the average bear, and I am more loving than the average teacher.”
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The Pharcicle
1 April 2021
Senior Mistakenly Joins Parkour Tournament and Finds Passion @PonceDog Senior Sebastian Thrane had quite a shock last weekend when he showed up to compete in a Parkour Tournament which he mistakenly confused as a Par Four Tournament for golf. If you haven’t heard of parkour in a while, or weren’t around during the early 2000s internet days, here’s a friendly reminder. Parkour is a sport in which individuals go through obstacles at a rapid pace by running, jumping, and doing tricks. The sport takes quite a lot of strenuous effort and is daredevilish whereas golf is far less strenuous and is considered a
“gentleman’s game.” Thrane was quite surprised when he showed up to compete because he was expecting to play a round of golf and instead found himself at the front of a competition involving jumping across several buildings. “I could not just show up and not participate. That’s for losers, and I never lose. I figured that golf was a perfect segway to parkour with all the walking I do, so I didn’t think of it being that bad, but boy was I wrong.” said Thrane. Surprisingly, Sebastian Thrane did pretty well regarding that he does not do much besides golf. “It really was not what I was ex-
pecting but we do this stuff in Brazil all the time, so it wasn’t too difficult. I was shocked to actually be getting a workout thought because in golf, I don’t usually do much except walk and use a caddy,” explained Thrane. After that one tournament, Thrane has now realized that he has a new passion for Parkour and plans to continue participating in the sport in addition to golf. Thrane said, “I know I could have a future in golf, but I think I could really have a good future in Parkour if I put my mind to it. It’s not that much different from golf except that it involves exercise, but oh well.”
Senior Sebastian Thrane was shocked to learn the golf tournament he signed up for was actually a parkour tournament, but he participated anyway and fell in love with the sport.
Coach Kresser, Benjamin Buccaneers Demand Rings after Super Bowl Win @SpungeBob Immediately after the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Super Bowl victory on Feb. 6, the Benjamin Buccaneers football program started to demand rings for the coaching staff and players. “We are the Bucs. We’re from Florida,” Head Coach Eric Kresser said. “We need the rings that we rightfully deserve.” Both players and staff flooded the NFL and Buccaneers’ Instagram messages in order to get noticed. It worked, as NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell responded. At first, there was reluctance from Commissioner Goodell. In a press conference, he was quoted calling
Benjamin “just a high school team with the Buccaneers logo”. He received major backlash from the Benjamin community, which ultimately spread nationwide. #TheBucsNeedTheirRing started to trend on Twitter. Legendary quarterback Tom Brady said that he would donate one of his eight rings to the School if Goodell refused to get rings for Benjamin. Following this reaction, Commissioner Goodell emailed Head of the Upper School Mr. Fletcher Carr his apologies and guaranteed rings for the football team. With national media outlets like CNN, ESPN, and The New York Times wanting more information on the situation, Mr. Carr, Coach Kresser, and Athletic Director
The Benjamin football team was shocked to see the Tampa Bay Buccaneers win the Superbowl. After all, the Benjamin Bucs only lost 4 games this season while the Tampa Bay Bucs lost 5.
Mr. Ryan Smith held a press conference on Theofilos Field. “Coach Kresser was right,” Mr. Carr said. “It was wonderful of him and the players to bring the problem at hand to the attention of the NFL.” “The Benjamin players and coaches put hours of blood, sweat, and tears into their season,” Mr. Smith said. “It’s only right that they are rewarded for their hard work.” The rings are set to arrive on Apr. 6, when a ceremony will take place via Zoom during assembly. “I’m very excited to get our rings because we are the Bucs after all. It’s disappointing that we almost were denied them, but in the end, it’s great that we will be receiving them,” an anonymous student said. Coach Kresser is proud of the team’s dedication throughout the season and had quite high praise for his players. “The boys worked their tails off day in and day out,” he said. “I haven’t had a group so deserving of such an honor like a ring ceremony. Not even the professional teams that I was on worked as hard as the team this season.” The Bucs’ 2-4 season during the fall is yet another reason that they deserve their Super Bowl Rings; they had fewer losses than the 11-5 Tampa Bay Buccaneers Congratulations to the Buccaneers on their Super Bowl victory.
Of the Athletic Directors here at the Upper School, no two are the same. Mr. Ryan Smith is the Head Athletic Director, while Mr. David Bailey and Mrs. Alexandria Clarke are Assistant Athletic Directors. In order to learn more about them, we will be sharing a fun fact for each director. Coach Ryan Smith won a 2009 award for most unique name. Coach Alexandria Clarke has a sister who coaches at Oxbridge and gives us Trade Secrets. While doing temperature checks every morning, Coach David Bailey does not do the assigned work, electing to instead only let people in if they have a fever and send them home if they do not.
Senior Troy Bolton is a dubs only type of person. He led the East High Wildcats to a championship title this year and will be attending the prestigious University of California-Berkeley in the fall.
East High Wildcats Win Championship @FriedChicken After an intense season, our East High Wildcats Boys Basketball team found themselves down 16 points to rival West High Knights at halftime during the championship game. Key players and seniors Troy Bolton, Chad Danforth, Zeke Baylor, and Jason Cross played with their whole heart, but with only 10 seconds left, they were down one point. Freshman bencwarmer and clothing store heir Jimmie “Rocketman” Zara went in with only a few seconds left, and as point guard Troy Bolton was hounded by defenders, he passed the ball to Zara. With one opportunity, Zara took a deep breath and took a shot. Luckily, the ball went in and the Wildcats bested the Knights 66-65 and bopped to the top for the Champion Title. Zara was grateful for the opportunity following his regular season record of 0.0 average points per game, saying, “do you know how embarrassing it is to put on rip away pants every game and then never get the opportunity to rip them away? Finally I got in the game and wowza I was surprised to see that ball fall through the hoop.” It was now or never for the Wild-
cats, as they were breaking free of their previous losses. They didn’t want to stick to the status quo and start something new. Chad Danforth is hoping to channel this positive energy into his college basketball career next year. “It was fabulous to win. I am ready to play well in college too! You can bet on it!” he said. Danforth wasn’t the only one celebrating. Troy Bolton was pleased with the win, as he got inspiration from his girlfriend. “I was losing hope but then I saw my girlfriend Gabriella Montez rise in the bleachers and start singing about how she believed in me. It gave me the motivation I needed to keep playing hard.” Troy Bolton’s dad, Coach Jack Bolton, also enjoyed the outcome of the game. “I like the trophy because it shows we won,” Bolton said. “When I miss my son next year because he’s at college, I will hug the trophy.” While it is sad to see some of our beloved champions depart, you can see many of them in the spring musical Senior Year, directed by AP Spanish teacher, Dazzler coach, and Performing Arts Department Chair Ms. Darbus.