Halton Haven Hospice Bereavement Book by bereavementadvice

Caring for you as you grieve

Bereavement Support Bridging Bereavement

HALTON HAVEN BEREAVEMENT SUPPORT We would like to express our deepest condolences to you, your family and friends during this very sad time. We understand that the time ahead may be difficult and painful for you, and we would like to continue to support you through this time. This booklet has been produced to help you deal with some of the emotional and practical aspects of losing someone you love.

WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMEONE DIES Following the death of someone, there are a lot of practical jobs to be done and it may be useful to have the help of a family member or friend. There are a lot of arrangements to be made and it can be difficult for you to retain information during this emotional time. We hope you find this booklet helpful during this difficult time.

Grief isn’t a state but a process It keeps on changing – like a Winding road with quite a new Landscape at each bend

WHAT DO I NEED TO DO FIRST OBTAINING THE DEATH CERTIFICATE The hospice doctor will normally issue the death certificate the next working day after a death. Please contact the registry office after midday to arrange an appointment to collect the certificate. REGISTERING THE DEATH Make an appointment with the registrar’s office. Certificates from the hospice are only issued to the registry office Monday – Friday. Halton Register office, Runcorn Town Hall, Heath Road, Runcorn Contact 0303 333 4300 and ask for extension 3167. Open 9am – 4pm (lunch 1-2pm) Monday to Wednesday and Friday, 9am – 1pm Thursday. Appointments can be made by ringing 0303 333 4300. CHOOSING A FUNERAL DIRECTOR AND ARRANGING A FUNERAL You may already know which funeral director you would like to use. You can ask for an estimate of costs in advance and may want to ask other directors for quotes to compare prices. You can also obtain leaflets from the Hospice nursing team or the Bereavement Counsellor. Should you wish to discuss anything at all with the Hospice staff that were involved in your relative’s care, you are most welcome to make an appointment with the medical team.

Who do I need to inform about the death There are various people who need to be informed of the death and it may be useful to use these checklists to guide you: Contacted

People to inform DWP– Benefits or pension’s stopped under 60 yrs contact 0845 608 8503 Over 60yrs contact 0845 606 0265 Employer Inland revenue Banks/Building Societies Local Tax Scheme Insurance Life insurance Companies: Car insurance Property insurance Mortgage company/Land Registry Housing Assoc/Landlord Social services – if involved Family Doctor Relevant Hospital Doctors Utility providers – gas, water etc. School/College – if applicable Credit Cards/National Savings and Investments Store cards Telephone company inc mobile DVLA Union/Professional *organisations If aleady a grave owner notify HBC of any changes.

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GRIEF IS NORMAL, NATURAL AND NECESSARY Bereavement is something that most people experience at sometime in their lives, especially as we ourselves grow older. The death of someone that you have shared your life with is one of the most severe forms of stress. It is often accompanied by painful confusing emotions that you do not expect or understand. Grief is the natural way in which we express and release all the painful feelings, be they emotional or physical, which we experience after the loss of a loved one.

Grief is known to be an extremely personal and unique emotion to each individual, allowing the grief to be dealt with at the person’s own pace and allowing them to adjust in their own time. Grief and sadness will not be a stranger to the bereaved. This will have been an emotion felt many times during your loved one’s illness, but somehow when life has ceased, this emotion now becomes deeper and at times unbearable. Grief is exhausting and consuming and you may feel that your emotions are taking over but the grieving process is the path to recovery. In order for the grieving process to be understood in simple terms, we shall divide grieving into three stages: An ‘Initial stage’, a ‘Middle stage’ and a ‘Resolution stage’. Although this is a description of the ‘normal’, everyone may experience the process differently. As with accepting ‘bad news’, people in grief have ‘good days’ and ‘bad days’ as their emotions come and go in waves.

THE INITIAL STAGE This stage may be described as the ‘unbelieving’ period where words like ‘numb’, ‘confused’, ‘dazed’ or ’in shock’ have been used to describe the person’s emotions. Our own defence mechanisms allow and produce these feelings to protect us from the vast change in our lives without our loved one. “I can’t believe that he has gone” Shock is often followed by deep sadness. People often cry a lot and this may be provoked easily by the memory or a mention of something that reminds you of the person you have lost. This is a release of your sadness and the amount of crying will vary between each individual. There is no correct amount of crying. It is whatever feels right to you. This emotion varies between cultures, where some people find it easy to express their sadness by crying. Others may feel that they should be ’strong’ or ’brave’. Suppressing your grief can be even more exhausting. It is important to express your sadness in your own way because it is your grief, though you may need a little help to resolve it. “I don’t feel very well” In the initial stage of your grief you may experience physical symptoms related to anxiety and distress, such as nausea, difficulty in breathing, chest pains and general aches and pains. You will probably find it difficult to concentrate. Your thoughts may be confused and everything may appear to be an effort. You may lose your appetite, become forgetful or have difficulty sleeping even though you are tired. It is helpful for you to be aware of these symptoms so that you know it can be part of this stage of grief and that your feelings are not irrational. Do visit your Doctor if you become worried, even if only for reassurance.

THE MIDDLE STAGE This is the stage when you realise that life will go on after your bereavement, even though you may not see how. At this time, which may be a few weeks after the death, the shock and numb feelings begin to fade. Life begins to resume some traits of normality. This in itself may create problems, as your friends and supporters who rallied around you after the death of your loved one now withdraw and return to their own lives, as they see you are ‘coping’ and think that you will be fine. Others may appear to be avoiding you. This could be due to their inability to cope with your distress. “I feel empty inside, there is nothing left for me now” This stage has been described as ‘hollow’ or ‘empty’ - you are trying to reassemble your life to some degree of normality but inside you may feel far from normal - a sense of ‘not being there’. It is important for you to know that this feeling is common. It is in fact normal for this stage of grief. This is said to be the most difficult stage of bereavement. “If only I…..” Another characteristic of this stage of grief is that you may start to question certain aspects of the past - “if only”. This is common and can be extremely painful because it is unsolvable. These feelings of guilt are common and most survivors experience them. They are painful and cause upset but will fade as your grief is resolved. There may also be strong feelings of anger or resentment that are difficult to understand. These feelings may be directed at your loved one for leaving you, at God for such a painful loss, at the doctors and nurses involved during the illness and death and even family and friends if they do not seem as upset as you are. Sometimes there is reasonable cause for this anger but even if there is not, the feeling will still be there. This emotion, as with other emotions felt during this stage, will disappear as your grief is resolved.

THE RESOLUTION STAGE It is reasonable to suggest that the resolution of grief happens when you are able to remember your loved one with fondness and pleasure, to be able to recall the good moments and to think about them without acute pain and distress, although perhaps with some sadness and regret. You become ‘whole’ again and embark on an independent life, although it is not the same as life before bereavement. All those painful emotions have devastated your life for a time - but you are now able to continue your life despite them, you are on the road to recovery. It is fair to say that for some people grief is never completely resolved but you are able to adapt your life. As with all life’s experiences, however painful, your grief may enable you to discover hidden strengths within yourself and equip you to face the future. There is no fixed time limit for resolution. As long as you are moving towards it, when you achieve resolution does not matter. The time will vary from person to person. Whereas one person may reach resolution in three months, it may take another person two years. It cannot be stressed enough that this is your grief, not your family or friends’. You alone know the depth of your grief. Other peoples’ agendas, however well meant, are not what you need. It does not matter how long the process takes as long as the momentum is maintained. “It’s been a long time now and I still can’t get over losing him” For some reason however, some people get ‘stuck’ along the process of grieving and this becomes unresolved grief. If emotions are just as painful and have the same intensity after a considerable lapse of time, it is advisable to seek further help. There is no need to suffer because, with help, the grief will be resolved and once again you will be able to live your own life. Do be kind to yourself during this difficult period.

CHILDREN Children also need help to deal with their grief and to express their feelings. Many of these will be the same as those described already but there will be differences depending on the age of the child. “How do I tell my child that he is not coming back?” It is important to tell children that the person they loved has died and will not be coming back. Children appreciate direct, simple and truthful explanations even though we want to shield them from pain and distress. Allow them to make their own minds about such things as whether they attend the funeral or not and visiting the grave, but be sure to explain in advance what is going to happen. With your love, patience and support, children will work through their grief and adjust to life without their loved ones. Halton Haven Family Support Service offers continuing listening support to all our bereaved families. You can contact us at any time by telephone on 01928 791221. Useful information services for children: Child Bereavement Trust Tel: 01928 577164 / 0800 02 888 40 Web: www.childbereavementuk.org Kooth Web: www.kooth.com Winstons wish Web: www.winstonswish.org

Reference: Halton Haven Hospice Bereavement Book Review Date: December 2025 Publication Date: December 2023

The Hospice would like to thank RNS Publications for publishing this information and the following pages contain some features from services offering their help at this time. Whilst the Hospice is grateful of their support it does not endorse or recommend any of the services that they provide.

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This publication has been jointly developed between ourselves and the hospice. We hope that it has been or will be of help at this time and we welcome any comments or suggestions that you may have. Please contact us either by phone, email or by post. RNS Publications, Trium House, Unit 15, Broughton Way, Whitehills, Blackpool FY4 5QN

01253 832400 enquiries@rns.co.uk

Halton Haven Hospice Barnfield Avenue Murdishaw Runcorn Cheshire WA7 6EP 01928 791221