Isabel Hospice Bereavement Booklet

Our thoughts are with you at this time. When someone close dies, we are all deeply affected. We experience grief and enter into a period of mourning. Grief is a normal reaction to loss of any kind and we all grieve in our own way and at our own pace.

Isabel Hospice recognise that dignity, privacy and respect of your loved one is of paramount importance and our care continues during this time of sadness and grief.

Immediately after a death, there are a lot of practical things to do, like registering their death and arranging the funeral. Hopefully, you will have family or friends around to help you. The following information may help you to think about some of the practical issues to address and highlights some of the emotional impact on carers and family when their loved one dies.

Isabel Hospice

Our Vision

“Outstanding palliative care for all”

Immediate information and advice following a death

Please remember that any member of the Hospice staff can provide guidance and support.

Viewing your loved one’s body

It is completely up to you whether you would like to see your loved one again after they have died. Some find it helpful to spend some time with their loved one after death. If you would like to do this, please speak to one of the nursing staff on the unit.

Medical Certificate

Nursing staff will advise you once the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death has been completed by a Hospice doctor as soon as possible.

In some cases, doctors need to liaise with the coroner’s office to gain authorisation to release the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death. This is the case with patients who have experienced falls recently or who have had recent invasive procedures, for example. The coroner’s officer may wish to discuss this with you, as the patient’s relatives. Authorisation to release the certificate may take 24-48 hours.

In some cases, it may not be possible for the doctor to issue the Medical Certificate showing the cause of death. This may happen if the death was sudden, unexpected or the doctor is uncertain for some reason about circumstances or cause of death. If this is the case he/ she is legally obliged to inform the coroner. In this case, the coroner’s officer will contact you and advise you on any next steps, and the certificate will be ultimately completed by the coroner in due course.

For more information about when a death is reported to a coroner, please visit www.gov.uk/after-a-death/whena-death-is-reported-to-a-coroner

Corneal and Tissue Donation

From our experience at the hospice, we know that organ or tissue donation can help patients and families feel comforted by knowing they have given hope to others and that some good has come out of their loss. However, we also realise that not everyone feels comfortable with taking such a step. If you know that the person who has died wanted to donate organs or tissue, or had made arrangements to donate their body to medical science, please speak with a member of staff.

Although some people cannot donate internal organs (like hearts and lungs) after death, they can sometimes donate their cornea (the transplant tissue that covers the front of the eye). The donation of a cornea will enable someone’s sight to be restored or improved and one donation can help up to four people. If corneal donation is being considered, please alert a member of staff immediately so that arrangements can be made with the funeral director.

If you need more information, you can also ring the Organ Donor line on: 0300 123 2323 or visit www.organdonation.nhs.uk

Collecting valuables

Any cash and valuables belonging to your relative or friend will be dealt with by the nursing staff. You can ring first to ensure everything is ready for collection on 01707 954882.

Funeral arrangements

An important thing to do as soon as you feel able, is to contact a Funeral Director of your choice. You do not have to wait until the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death is issued. The Funeral Director will take care of all the practical arrangements for you, from arranging the transfer of your loved one from the Hospice to a funeral home, to advising and guiding you through your chosen funeral in an expert way.

The funeral is your opportunity to say your goodbyes in a way that is appropriate both for you and the person who has died. A funeral can be a celebration of a life well lived and there are many ways in which you can remember that person. You may wish to choose who might lead the service (who may or may not be a Minister of Religion), certain music or readings and you or other relatives may wish to take part in the service. These are not always easy decisions, so take time to consider the possibilities.

Funeral Directors

Please find detailed below a list of local Funeral

on page 6

Registering the death

Once the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death has been completed, you can arrange to register the death. In accordance with the law, this must be done within 5 working days. If the death has been referred to the coroner, you will not be able to register the death and the coroner’s office can advise you further as investigations proceed.

For more information or book an appointment to register a death, please visit www.hertsdirect.org/yourcommunity/register/deaths

Who can register a death?

You can register the death if you’re:

• a relative

• someone present at the death

• an administrator from the hospital

• the person making arrangements with the funeral directors

What you need to do

If available (but don’t worry if not), also take the person’s:

• birth certificate

• Council Tax bill

• driving licence

• marriage or civil partnership certificate

• NHS medical card

• passport

• proof of address (e.g. utility bill)

You’ll need to tell the Registrar:

• the person’s full name at the time of death

• any names previously used, e.g. maiden name

• the person’s date and place of birth

• their last address

• their occupation

• the full name, date of birth and occupation of a surviving or late spouse or civil partner

• whether they were getting a State Pension or any other benefits

You should also take supporting documents that show your name and address (e.g. a utility bill) but you can still register a death without them.

You will then be provided with:

• A Certificate for Burial or Cremation (the ‘green form’) which gives permission for burial or an application for cremation.

• A Certificate of Registration of Death (form BD8) - you may need to fill this out and return it if the person was getting a State Pension or benefits (the form will come with a pre-paid envelope so you know where to send it).

What is the ‘Tell Us Once’ Service?

Following the registration of a death, several government departments and local council services will also need to be told. Hertfordshire County Council provide a service enabling the Registrar to collect the required information and issue to the informant a unique reference number with the option of contacting the Department for Work and Pensions online:

www.gov.uk/tell-us-once or by telephone 0800 083 7308.

There is a period of 28 days to use this service following the registration of the death.

Stopping Junk Mail to the recently deceased

If someone you know has died, the amount of unwanted marketing post being sent to them can be greatly reduced which helps to stop painful daily reminders.

By registering with the free service www.stopmail.co.uk the names and addresses of the deceased are removed from mailing lists, stopping most advertising mail within as little as six weeks. If you cannot access the internet you can call 0808 168 9607, where you will be asked for very simple information that will take only a few minutes to complete. Alternatively, ask the bereavement team for a leaflet that can be returned in the post.

This free of charge service provided by the Bereavement Support Network will actively reduce the unwanted marketing mail but also can help reduce the likelihood of identity theft following the death of someone close. The information is not used for any other purpose and you only have to complete this once. Additionally to Stop Mail a comparable service can also be accessed from the Bereavement Register or Deceased Preference Service if you would prefer to use them.

Registration Offices

The death has to be registered at a Registration Office for the district in which it took place. If the death occurred in Hertfordshire, the registration can be made at any of the Registration Offices within the county.

The nearest Registration Office to the Hospice is Hertfordshire Register Office, 19b St Albans Road East, Hatfield AL10 0NG.

Isabel Hospice

IN-PATIENT UNIT

Howlands

Welwyn Garden City AL7 4GN (located behind the QEII Hospital)

HEAD OFFICE

61 Bridge Road East Welwyn Garden City AL7 1JR

Hertfordshire Register Office 19b St Albans Road East

Hatfield AL10 0NG

Alternative Registration Offices are listed below:

Bishop’s Stortford

Registration Office

Broxbourne

Registration Office

Hemel Hempstead

Registration Office

Hertford

Registration Office

Stevenage

Registration Office

St. Albans

Registration Office

Riverside House, 2 Hockerill Street, Bishop’s Stortford, CM23 2DL

Bishop’s College, Churchgate, Cheshunt, EN8 9XH

The Forum, Marlowes, Hemel Hempsted, Hertfordshire, HP1 1DN

County Hall, Pegs Lane, Hertford, SG13 8DE

Danesgate House, Danesgate, Stevenage, SG1 1WW

The Gatehouse, 1 Victoria Square, Victoria Street, St. Albans, AL1 3TF

Watford

Registration Office

Watford Registration Office, 31 Hempstead Road, Watford, WD17 3EY

Dealing with the estate of the deceased

Probate is the legal process of settling the estate of a deceased person.

If the person has made a valid Will, this will state what should happen to the deceased person’s estate and will be held by a bank, solicitor, will-safe facility, the Principle Probate Registry or trusted friend or relative.

If there is no Will, the person is said to have died intestate and there are different rules for dealing with the estate. Solicitors can help guide you through these matters.

A Will often outlines what a person wishes to happen to their physical belongings when they die, however this more commonly does not stretch to include their digital presence. By this, we mean their social media accounts, including Facebook and Twitter, as well as their email address. Unless they have included details of their passwords in their Will for you to close down any active accounts, they have potential to be exploited, now that there is no one to manage it.

Most online accounts make it possible to work with a confirmed immediate family member to have the account deactivated. In most cases, including Gmail, Twitter and LinkedIn, simply:

1. Go to the ‘Help’ section on the organisation’s website (you do not have to log in for this).

2. Locate the ‘Manage Account’ button.

3. Choose the option that discusses ‘Removing the account of a deceased person’.

4. Some organisations may ask you to complete a form, providing personal details, and often prove the death of the account holder with a death certificate.

5. Each account case will be reviewed and action taken accordingly.

This information is only required to ensure that users do not deactivate another active user’s account without their knowledge. On other platforms, the ‘Help Forums’ are very useful in providing information that you cannot find immediately.

Differently, accounts on Facebook can be made into a memorial. They suggest that these pages become “a place for friends and family to gather and share memories after a person has passed away. Memorializing an account also helps keep it secure by preventing anyone from logging into it”.

If you need further help with this, please call us on 01707 382500 to speak to the team that look after our digital platforms.

Information about self-care and grief

Experiencing Grief

Following the death you may find that your emotions are erratic and you may experience some of the following:

• Numbness and shock – unable to take it in

• Guilt

• Anger – at your situation

• Depression – feeling hopeless

• Loneliness

• Difficulty in sleeping, having disturbing dreams

• Changes in eating habits, loss or increase in appetite

• Loss of concentration: Emptiness – loss of future

• The need to make sense of it all

• Going over and over things • Yearning

• Loss of self-confidence

• Fear of coping without your loved one

What may help during this time?

• Try to express your emotions

• Remember that you need time to think, rest and sleep

• Be gentle with yourself

• Try to accept that some things are beyond our control

• Don’t be afraid to ask for help

Often we get the help we need from family, friends and neighbours. Not everyone is lucky enough to have such a support system, or maybe the problems are more than family and friends can cope with. You may want to talk to someone outside that circle to help make some sense of the situation or you may want help supporting the children with difficult news.

Adult Bereavement Service

Our Bereavement Service is a confidential service concerned with helping the bereaved to cope with their feelings of loss and grief, in line with Hospice and National guidelines. All volunteers have regular training and support. We can offer:

• One-to-one sessions. We have a team of trained counsellors and support workers who can either visit you in your home (if you are unable to attend here) or see you in a designated room. We offer up to six sessions initially lasting for 50 minutes with scope for re-negotiation if required.

• This is an open service which can be accessed at any time after the death, even if it has been months or even years.

Children’s and young people’s Bereavement Service

We know that all children and young people grieve, it is normal and children’s grief is expressed differently to the adults around them. Each child is an individual and will face bereavement in their own special way. What we say about death to our children or when we say it, will depend upon their age, understanding and experiences and perhaps your family’s beliefs or culture.

You may see the following signs that your child is experiencing normal feelings of grief:

• Feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, loneliness, tiredness, helplessness, confusion, shock, numbness, worry about the future

• Regressing and becoming more dependent again

• Changes in sleep and eating pattern

• Loss of interest in friends or social activities

• Physical signs such as aches and pains or lack of energy

• Worries about school

• Forgetting that something awful has happened for a while or pretending that it hasn’t happened.

How you can help:

• Keep talking, listening, comforting and involving your child as much as possible and as much as their age allows

• Sharing grief as a family can be helpful

• Answer their questions honestly and in a way in which you think they will understand. You may not have all the answers and it is ok to say this

• Avoid the use of words that can cause confusion e.g. ‘gone to sleep, went away’

• Acknowledge their feelings and don’t be afraid to show yours

• Keep to normal family routines and activities if you are able

• Keep the boundaries of behaviour that your family are used to

• Keep the school informed

• Keep remembering the person who has died

• Remember your own needs.

How we can help:

• Make suggestions about suitable children’s books and adult literature of childhood bereavement

• Talk to you about how to support your child

• Offer 1:1 counselling for children and young people if the family has been known to the hospice

• Talk to you about attendance at one of our group work sessions

• Provide information for your child’s teacher, GP or any other professional that they may know.

Spiritual care

After a bereavement, you may find yourself reflecting on your beliefs about the meaning and purpose of life. The Chaplaincy Service is available to all bereaved families and carers of any or no faith, as well as for those who are unsure what they believe. Chaplaincy can offer pastoral and spiritual support which may include:

• A listening ear for you or your worries or concerns

• Space to talk about your life story and hear what is important to you at this time

• A quiet time of prayer or reflection at your request

• Support if you wish to practice your faith or spiritual tradition.

Memorial Services

We hold an Annual Service of Remembrance and Thanksgiving in the Autumn for those who are bereaved. This takes place in a different part of our catchment area each year and is advertised on our web page. This service gives an opportunity to remember the life of your family member or friend who has died and honour their memory. Everyone is welcome, including children and young people who may also like to take part in the separate remembrance activity which runs during the service and is geared towards them.

Reference: Isabel Hospice Bereavement Booklet

Publication date: February 2024

Review date: February 2026

The Hospice would like to thank RNS Publications for publishing this information and the following pages contain some features from services o ering their help at this time.

Whilst the Hospice is grateful of their support it does not endorse or recommend any of the services that they provide.

It is distressing to deal with a bereavement and unsolicited mail can be insensitive and destructive during a grieving process.

By scanning the below QR code on your phone or visiting www.stopmail.co.uk, we are able to securely share this information with mailing organisations and under the Data Protection Act the information will not be used for any other purpose.

Other benefits reduce the possibility of identity fraud, such as assumed identity and you will only have to supply the information once.

Do you need help with Probate Matters?

You may need help, support or advice on what to do when someone dies in relation to probate.

Freephone: 0808 168 5181

Mobiles: 0333 240 0360

We offer free guidance and advice on the legal and financial aspects of bereavement including your responsibilities and whether probate is required.

Calls are free from most land lines, some calls may be monitored for training purposes and all calls are confidential. This service is provided by the Bereavement Support Network Ltd.

This publication has been jointly developed between ourselves and the hospice. We hope that it has been or will be of help at this time and we welcome any comments or suggestions that you may have.

Please contact us either by phone, email or by post.

RNS Publications, Trium House, Unit 15, Broughton Way, Whitehills, Blackpool FY4 5QN

01253 832400

enquiries@rns.co.uk

Independent

Family Run

Celebrate the life of your loved one with a beautiful funeral arrangement

Since William John Murray founded W.J. Murray & Son in 1932, we have remained an independent family funeral director through four generations.

It is with our caring approach that we are able to cater for all your requirements through a very di cult time.

Waltham Cross

234 High Street, Waltham Cross EN8 7DZ

Tel 01992 627817

www.murrayfuneralservice.co.uk

Cheshunt

57 Turners Hill, Cheshunt EN8 8NT

Tel 01992 624220