Finding emotional support

‘Grief’ is the word we use to describe the feelings and reactions which occur when someone we love dies. It is the universal reaction to loss. It is painful and stressful, but also natural, normal and entirely necessary. Three aspects of grief to bear in mind:

1. We all react differently

Every person experiences grief differently and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Over time, the emotional swings will lessen in intensity as you learn to adapt to your changed circumstances but, to begin with, it can be hard.

We all need to grieve in our own way and in our own time, but these are some of the normal feelings and problems you may experience. At first, it can be difficult to believe what has happened. You may feel shock, disbelief, sorrow, regret or even a sense of relief at the end of a long and tiring battle. It can take time for the reality to sink in.

Grief is time consuming and exhausting. You may feel tired, lethargic, unable to make decisions or to concentrate on things you feel you should be doing.

2. Be patient with yourself

Let go of ‘ought’ and ‘should’ for a while. You may need to take extra time off work. On the other hand, some people find going back to work and getting into a routine helps. Do what feels best for you.

Many people feel guilty, panicky or angry. There may be times when you feel it’s all too much and you can’t cope – it’s best not to hide these feelings. Try to find a sympathetic listener with whom you can talk. This isn’t always easy as some people expect you to be ‘back to normal’ within a few months.

However, others will understand what you say and will help you through. Don’t be afraid of letting your friends and family know what helps you and that you need their comfort and support.

3. Give yourself time

Grief is painful. You may find yourself crying at unexpected times. Tears can be a positive step, a natural expression of the loss which you are feeling. Some people find they cannot cry to begin with, as if numbed by the shock of their grief, whereas others find talking too painful initially.

Some people feel despair and depression, or lose interest in normal activities, which for a while may seem pointless. This is absolutely normal. Allow yourself to grieve. Slowly your energy will return and you’ll feel like enjoying yourself again.

You may have good days and bad days - it’s part of the process. Bereavement can be like a long, difficult, painful and lonely journey. However, in time, the painful memories will soften and become easier. Sorrow remains but gradually you’ll find your way of coping.

What about looking for support?

Often we get help from our family, friends and our local community. You may want to seek outside help, particularly if: • you feel you have no-one you can talk to • you’d like to talk to someone outside of your circle of family and friends • you can’t eat, sleep or are having nightmares • your work is suffering • you have frequent mishaps or are smoking, drinking or taking drugs excessively.