St. K e n ti g e r n
To Help In Your Bereavement
Introduction
On behalf of St. Kentigern Hospice please accept our deepest sympathy on your bereavement and be assured of our continued support at this difficult time.
The death of someone close is one of the most distressing experiences anyone has to face. We hope that the practical and emotional advice and information in this booklet will help to guide you through the early days of your bereavement.
When someone dies at St. Kentigern Hospice
Your loved one’s body will be taken to our chapel of rest awaiting transfer to the undertaker.
Our staff can verify the death for transfer if a doctor is not available here. The ward staff will need to know if a cremation is planned as a special form has to be completed by two doctors. The Medical Certificate of Cause of Death (M.C.C.D), once complete will be sent directly to the registrars office to enable you to register the death.
You will be able to collect your loved one’s valuables and effects at the same time. The hospice staff will talk to you about what to do next.
What to do first
Registering the death
It is a legal requirement to register the death within 5 days. The hospice will inform you which register office to use.
This should be carried out by either:
• A relative
• Someone present at the time of death
• Someone who will be arranging the funeral (Should the person who has died be an overseas citizen, their embassy should be notified as soon as possible)
You will need to take with you:
• Whilst not essential, a form of personal identity such as a passport or drivers licence may be helpful.
The following information:
• Date and place of death
• Full name of the deceased, including any other names used
• Their date and place of birth
• The deceased’s occupation
• Their usual address
• Name, date of birth and occupation of spouse if the deceased was married
• Whether the deceased was in receipt of a pension or allowance from public funds
• (It may be helpful, though not essential, to take along the deceased’s birth and marriage certificates)
The registrar will give you:
• A green form (Form 9) which permits the undertaker to move the deceased from the initial funeral directors.
• A certificate of registration of death
• The death certificate (if purchased)
It is advisable to purchase several authorised copies of the death certificate at this point as banks, insurers etc. will not normally accept ordinary photocopies.
Local Register Office:
The Register Office, Town Hall, Wellington Road, Rhyl, Denbighshire, LL18 1BA
Tel: 01824 708100
Opening hours:
Monday to Thursday: 8:30am to 4:15pm
Friday: 8:30am to 3:45pm
Ruthin Town Hall, Wynnstay Road, Ruthin, LL15 1YN
Tuesday: 8:30am to 3:45pm Wednesday: 8:30am to 4:15pm
Thursday: 8:30am to 4:15pm
An appointment system is in operation for registering death. In a minority of cases, the coroner may have to be involved, and a post-mortem may be carried out. This includes when
the cause of death is not clear or where there is potential of a work-related disease being involved. If this is the case, a doctor cannot issue a Medical Certificate of Cause of Death without consulting the coroner. The hospice staff will talk with you about why the referral has been made and will explain the process to you.
If you need any further information, please do not hesitate to ring the hospice, and we will assist you all we can.
Tel: 01745 585221
The hospice continues to offer its support to families and carers who have been bereaved. We will contact you with details of the bereavement support service within 3-4 weeks.
Funeral Arrangements
A funeral is an opportunity to say goodbye in a way that is right for the bereaved and the person who died.
Using a funeral director
Many people choose the services of a funeral director to help at what can be a confusing and distressing time. Before making any plans, it is important to check whether any specific instructions were left, or if any funeral arrangements were made and paid for in advance. You do not have to wait until the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death is issued before making initial contact with a funeral director.
It is advisable to make comparisons of services and costs from at least two firms as costs can vary greatly. Please do not feel you have to accept all options presented to you at a time when you are feeling vulnerable, particularly if you have a limited budget.
Independent and family-organised funerals
You do not legally have to use the services of a funeral director to organise the funeral, whether burial or cremation.
Some families prefer a family-organised funeral. If this is your wish, and you have time to research and prepare, you can enquire at the cemeteries and crematorium of your local authority for guidance.
Family Support Team
Counselling * Social Work * Listening Support *
We can support our patient’s family members during their illness and after their death.
Merith Shorter is our Psychotherapist/Counsellor, who heads up the family support team. She offers one to one counselling with adults and young people (for loved ones, carers and patients).
Lisa Bryan is our Social Worker, who can advise on many issues. Lisa provides carers support and can help support bereavement projects like making memory boxes with children and therapeutic creative play.
Merith and Lisa also facilitate group therapies.
Hear & Now is a volunteer listening support team who support families, and also patients on the ward. They provide a confidential and supportive service as and when needed helping across all areas of our family services.
Our family support services are available to all families whose loved ones we support at the Hospice.
We offer a longer term bereavement support group which normally runs over 6 sessions.
Please call 01745 585221 or Email: M.shorter@stkentigernhospice.org.uk l.bryan@stkentigernhospice.org.uk to get in touch with one of our Team.
What about the children?
No child is too young to notice when an important person in their life is no longer there. Children often show grief in a different way to adults.
How can you help bereaved children?
1. Tell children about the death as clearly and simply as you can. You may have to do this repeatedly. Avoid words and images that can be confusing e.g. ‘gone to sleep’. Encourage them to ask questions and be honest if you don’t have the answer.
2. Reassure them they are still loved and will be taken care of.
3. Maintain as much security, routine and stability in their lives as possible. Let them know in advance of changes.
4. Reassure them that death is not catching, and that the death of one person does not mean others will die soon. It is important not to give false assurance though, and children cannot be protected from the reality that everyone will die at some point. Reassure them that they cannot have caused the death.
5. Involve them in planning the funeral and allow them the choice to attend, view the body or visit the grave. Prepare them in advance for what it will be like.
Grief is normal
We will all experience the loss of someone significant during our lives. Grieving is our emotional response to this loss and may be overwhelming, distressing and confusing. You may feel isolated in your grief, and as though no-one understands. This is because everyone’s grief is unique and we all react differently. Every bereavement occurs within a wider context, and you may be struggling with other issues at the same time. If your loved one had suffered a long illness, you may have begun grieving some time ago. Although the death may have been expected, you may still be surprised at the shock you feel.
How might I feel?
There are no rules, ‘shoulds’ or ‘oughts’ about the natural process of grieving and reactions will vary. The nature of the death, your relationship with the person who died and your present circumstances will all have a bearing on your reaction. You may experience a wide range of feelings that are difficult to make sense of.
At first you may be too shocked to feel anything, having only a sense of numbness and disbelief. As you begin to grasp the reality of what has happened, you may experience some of the most powerful feelings you have ever had, including:
Sad, low in mood, distress, unable to enjoy life, depressed
Worried, anxious, afraid, unable to relax
Angry towards others – such as family, friends, health care workers, your faith – and even the person who has died Guilt and blame – yourself or others
Loneliness – even in the company of others
A sense of relief - especially if you have watched someone suffer a long illness
A sense of longing and searching for the person who has died. It is not uncommon for grieving people to wish they could die too, to escape the pain and be with their loved one. In this case, it is helpful to talk this over with your GP or a counsellor.
Physical effects
These are some common physical responses to grief:
Tiredness, exhaustion
Sleep disturbances
Aches and pains – especially headaches, backache, muscular pain
Changes in appetite
Nausea, unsettled tummy
Low resistance so may pick up bugs like colds more easily
How might grief affect my thoughts?
Inability to concentrate
Pre-occupied and troubled by intrusive thoughts about the person who died and the events leading up to their death
Loss of hope for the future
A sense of unreality and detachment from everyday events
How might this affect my behaviour?
You may be:
Irritable, angry
Restless, unable to settle or relax
Wanting to keep busy
Tearful – or unable to cry
Preferring your own company, rejecting others such as family, friends and social situations
Not wanting to go out – or finding it difficult to stay in
Understanding that these feelings, thoughts and behaviours can be normal grief reactions may reassure and help you to feel less isolated at this time. No-one can know how long you will feel this way. Just as your relationship with the person who died was unique, then your feelings of grief, their intensity and duration, are unique. Your grief will change as in time you adjust to living your life while maintaining your bond with the person who died.
If you feel unable to cope with your feelings, you can contact Merith Shorter at the hospice, or come to ‘Tea at 3’ held each Wednesday at the hospice 3-4 p.m.
Service of Remembrance
In December each year we hold several ‘Light up a Life’ services of remembrance in the community. Family and friends of those who have died are invited to join us in remembering those who have died. The services are followed by an opportunity to talk to members of the hospice staff and the chaplains.
Some useful contacts:
Childhood Bereavement Network
Provides information, guidance and support to children and young people, their families and care-givers.
Tel: 020 7843 6309
www.childhoodbereavementnetwork.org.uk
Citizen’s Advice Bureau
Rhyl: 0808 278 7933
Denbigh: 0808 278 7933
Ruthin: 0808 278 7933
Samaritans
23 Bedford Street, Rhyl LL18 1SY
Tel: 116 123
Welsh Language Line: 0808 164 0123
WAY (widowed and young) Foundation
Offers support to widows and widowers up to age 50.
www.widowedandyoung.org.uk
Winston’s Wish
Helps children rebuild their lives after the death of a parent or siblings. Includes a safe, interactive site for children.
Helpline: 08088 020 021
www.winstonswish.org.uk
Stop Mail
A free of charge service, designed to stop unwanted junk mail being sent to your loved one.
Tel: 0808 168 9607
www.stopmail.co.uk
Reference: St Kentigern Hospice Bereavement Booklet
Review Date: September 2026
Publication Date: September 2024
The Hospice would like to thank RNS Publications for publishing this information and the following pages contain some features from services o ering their help at this time.
Whilst the Hospice is grateful of their support it does not endorse or recommend any of the services that they provide.
