How to Have That Difficult Talk: What Are Your Final Wishes?

There will be a time when you need to have that difficult talk with a loved one about their end-of-life decisions. Although it may seem daunting or unsettling, it can also bring peace to you both, knowing that their wishes will be observed. It may bring them comfort knowing they’re going to be remembered by family and friends. They will appreciate that they are loved, and that love is continuing even after they have departed.

If you’re speaking to a loved one about what type of funeral or service they would want, remind them the decision is entirely up to them. Tell them that without their input, their service or funeral may not be what they envision. Remember this is about your loved one and not about how you would want things to be. Help them understand that allowing others to know about their desires and plans removes a burden from them.

When you have this discussion, remind them that with this plan in place, they won’t have to worry that their family will have to make decisions during a time of grief. Making the decisions ahead of time for yourself also removes the risk that family members may argue over the best way to mourn or celebrate you in the future. After the plan is established between family members, it’s a good idea to also enlist a professional Preplanning Consultant, to go over the ideas and some or all of the details.

Professionals to include in the discussion can include an attorney, to go over any estate planning. An attorney can help create any legal documents necessary at every stage of life. The attorney can also be helpful when arranging the funeral with a preferred funeral home.

To help structure the difficult discussion, create a list of things that are often done to celebrate one’s life. Who would be pallbearers if there is a burial? What type of music? Who would you like to speak about your life? Is there a burial spot or grave that needs to be purchased or is there a deed for one already? Are you a veteran? What type of flowers would you want?

Expert Contributor Robert L. D'Anjolell, Jr., F.D., of DANJOLELL Memorial Homes

Some questions for a discussion like this have simple answers; some require more thought and perhaps some research, to learn about and understand the many options available today. There’s always help available for this discussion by visiting your local funeral home in advance. Their role should simply be to instruct and guide so your loved one can plan for the type of funeral or life celebration service they would want, and then know what can and should be done in advance to make those choices possible.

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