Satire 2020 Edition
BETH TFILOH: UNDERSIEGE Chaim b. '21 On M ay 14, 2019, a fleet of bicycles and elephants occupied Beth Tfiloh gr ounds, intending to use the site for their ow n nefar ious pur poses. Adm in com m anded all students and faculty to hide in the seven caver ns below the school, w hile they w ent out to par ley. They did not r etur n. The Gr and Ar chive is now pr oducing a study of the
Because JIM is alw ays w atching. W hat follow s is the last tr ansm ission that m ade it out befor e w e w er e silenced. M ay 17, 2019, 1410 h r s: Live dispatch fr om flag-bear er Jam es Hibiscus, com ing to you str aight fr om the Thir d Hold. Ther e ar e
tw elve difficult w eeks that follow ed the attack, based
about tw enty of us cr am m ed in her e betw een the lithe
on the tr ansm issions fr om the under gr ound, the status
ser pents and the m ountainous w yr m s and gr eat
r epor ts of the enemy?s foot soldier s, and the testim ony
w yr m s, huddling ar ound the eggs in the center of the
of the Lynxes. As head of this study, you w ill need to
r oom for w ar m th. M ost of the supplies w e br ought
select w hich docum ents w ill be used. Hence w e send
dow n m er ely thr ee hour s ago have been sw allow ed up
you, tw o by tw o, all the m ater ial w e could find fr om
by the little dr akes that ar e now clam ber ing all over
the long w eeks w hen w e w er e under siege. Never let
our suitcases, our r adios, and our legs.
them out of your sight.
Steady footsteps can be hear d fr om the hallw ay that connects us to Tor tur e Center 5. The dr akes begin to hiss w ith unease. Suddenly a figur e appear s in the door w ay, flanked by tw o giant badger s, w ho sniff ar ound the r oom in excitem ent. As they str ide into the vast caver n, even the Elder Wyr m , Nil Rubens, show s signs of fear. And w ith good r eason. Because it is JIM w ho has found us, and JIM never show s m er cy. What follows is the report from Agent S, JIM hunter squad ?G, to her superiors. M ay 22, 2019, 0233 h r s: After thr ee hour s of w r angling, all of our new acquisitions ar e finally tucked into bed. The canines show ed a sm all m easur e of r esistance, but by tom or r ow they w ill be as docile as the tulips. The Ray unit is slow ly cooling back dow n, w hich is a r elief - I thought that the Elder Wyr m w ould take it dow n for sur e, and then I?d have to place an or der for
Continued on page 4
2
TABLE
OF
Bet h Tf iloh: Under Siege pg. 1
CONTENTS Hobbies t o Pick Up Over Quar ant ine pg. 6
Punny Cr osswor d pg. 1
Quar ant ine Playlist pg. 6
Meals Wit h Passive Aggr essive Par ent s pg. 2
How t o Sur vive Of f a Lower School Educat ion pg. 7
Int er view ing My Dog pg. 3
5 Reasons Why School is a Complet e Wast e of Time pg. 7
My Obese Cat 's Jour ney Thr ough Weight Loss pg. 3 Top Ten Reasons Why My Dog is a VSCO Boy pg. 4 The Best Places t o Visit Af t er Quar ant ine pg. 5
Top 10 Cor ona Mask s pg. 8 Cor onavir us' Ef fect On t he NBA pg. 9
MEALS WITH PASSIVEAGGRESSIVEPARENTS Gideon R. '22 War ning: this ar ticle is in no w ay r epr esentative of my fam ily, but of a gener al consensus by teenager s. We all know the feeling. You w alk dow nstair s
M om : Don?t you speak back to your father ! You: * continue to exist* Dad: So disr espectful.
and get bom bar ded w ith questions: m ost of them ,
You: Can w e just eat?
passive aggr essive. Let?s see if this dialogue r esem bles
Younger sibling: * on their iPad at the other side of the
one you've endur ed at your house.
table*
Dad yells: Dinner !
Dad: So how w as ever yone?s day?
You yell back: Com ing!
You: Good.
* you w alk dow n 10 seconds later *
M om : Just a one w or d answ er ? Give m e a m inute by
M om : W her e w er e you? Your father said dinner.
m inute br eakdow n.
You: I liter ally cam e r ight dow n.
You: I don?t r em em ber ever y single m inute of my
Dad: So nice of you to finally join us. You: Nice to see you too. M om : It?s because she?s on that stupid phone all day. You w ho?s been doing w or k all day: my phone is liter ally in my r oom ... Dad: You scr eenager s ar e addicted to those things. You: * w alk to the table w ithout r esponding* M om : Did you just r oll your eyes at your father ?! Dad: Did you just r oll your eyes at m e?! You: No I liter ally just sat dow n.
day... Dad: Don?t give your m other sass. You: M y day w as good... * pr oceed to give details* Dad: Now , w as that so har d? * Asks younger sibling sitting on their iPad how their day w as* Younger sibling: Good. Dad: Glad to hear it. * M eal ends* You: Thank you for dinner. Dad: W hoa, w her e do you think you ar e going?
Continued on next page
3 You: * w onder w hat you did w r ong this tim e* M om : Clear the table for ever yone. Little sibling: * m aking w eir d noises on their iPad* You: W hat about [little siblings nam e] M om : Don't you br ing [inser t nam e] into this. We ask alm ost nothing of you and you can?t even do that! Dad: We ask so little of you. All you do is sit on your phone and be useless.
You: I did the laundr y and the dishes and took the tr ash out today. Dad: Don't you talk back . We put a r oof over your head the least you could do is clear the table You w ho just w anted to eat dinner : * m utter * and you w onder w hy I don?t spend tim e w ith you. Dad: Don?t you dar e talk back . You: * angr ily stor m up to your r oom *
age P t e TheP
INTERVIEWINGMY DOG Rachel h. '21 Have you ever looked at your pet and
w or r ies about our w her eabouts w hich m akes her ver y
w onder ed w hat they w er e thinking? Well, I have. I
tir ed. But now , since w e ar e hom e all the tim e she
took it upon myself to conduct an inter view w ith my
doesn?t w or r y about our location. Lucy r esponded by
dog to gain insight into her thoughts and behavior s.
saying she ?loves all of the attention and w alks she?s
Let m e begin by intr oducing my dog, a 45 pound, seven-year -old labr adoodle w ith cr azy puppy
been getting, how ever I w ould like to sleep m or e,? yet, none of us ar e stopping her fr om sleeping.
ener gy. Lucy enjoys long w alks, playing
The final question I asked Lucy r egar ds
outside, and belly r ubs. She loves to
the car. Although w e all enjoy getting out
play fetch, and destr oy baseballs. Her
of the house and dr iving w hile
favor ite foods include peanut butter ,
m aintaining social distancing dur ing this
bananas, and challah, but she?ll eat
pandem ic especially, that is not the case
anything she can get her paw s on.
w ith Lucy. She likes the car and gets ver y excited if you m ention it (sim ilar ly to her
Now that you know my dog, let?s
r esponse about w alks), how ever , once she
get to the questions. The fir st question I
is in the car she im m ediately w ants to be
asked her is ?W ho is your favor ite
am ong the people outside of the car. Her
hum an in the house?? W hile I w ould like to think the answ er is m e, in r eality it?s my m om (and m e as a close second).
desir e to be w ith the people causes her to bar k, w hine, and leap tow ar ds the w indow , annoying w hoever is dr iving. So ther e you have it, my inter view
Speaking of her people, the next question I asked her
w ith my dog. M aybe you w ill be inspir ed to tr y
r elated to our cur r ent situation am idst the
som ething sim ilar w ith your pets in or der to gain
Cor onavir us pandem ic. ?W hat ar e your thoughts on
fur ther insight into their lives and get to know them
your hum ans being hom e all the tim e?? Gener ally,
better.
Lucy sleeps a m ajor ity of our school day because she
My Obese cat 's j our ney t hr ough weight l oss abigail h. '21 You've hear d of Atkins, keto, w eight w atcher s? aka,
using one of these esteem ed m ethods. But w hat about
the classic diets. M any of you have pr obably w atched a
those m em ber s in your fam ily w ho cannot use these
fam ily m em ber em bar k on their w eight loss jour ney
diets? Those stuck w ith their insecur ities due to these
Continued on next page
4 discr im inator y m ethods. I?m her e to tell you that ther e
dism antle his 24/7 all you can eat buffet and contr ol
is hope. If my br other can per sever e, so can you.
his por tions for him . This enabled my dear br other to
M y br other , Potter , cannot use conventional w eight
m ake gr eat str ides in his jour ney to self love.
loss m ethods. He?s str uggled w ith body im age issues,
Soon after , w e figur ed it w ould be a good idea to
and por tion contr ol his w hole life but lacks options to
facilitate som e m or e lifestyle changes for our obese
lose w eight. Per haps it's due to his lethar gic
pal Potter. He needed som e exer cise. Chasing him
tendencies, or the fact that he's a cat, but either w ay he
ar ound the house did not end w ell and w e w er e
is at a disadvantage.
stum ped. But then, w e w hipped out the laser. He
Ever yday he seem ed to get lar ger , as if he w er e an ever -inflating balloon. His stom ach star ted dr agging
chased it like a child chases r apidly-m oving candy. It w as br illiant.
against the floor as he hobbled ar ound the house? it
Now , potter is still obese. How ever , he lives a slightly
w as difficult to w atch if I'm being honest. But, one
healthier lifestyle, and is on the r oad to success.
unlikely m or ning, it daw ned on us. We need to
Indeed, w e ar e pr oud of the pr ogr ess he has m ade!
The Siege Cont inues... a br and new one. The cages ar e holding steady, for the m ost par t, and our m andr ills ar e har d at w or k cr afting toys to sell at the Open Air Fair next w eek . Soon, w e should be r eady to m ove on to the thir d level of caver ns; it pr om ises to be as sim ple as the second level has been. I w ill see you tom or r ow night at the Jam bor ee. Please infor m the Eleventh Br other that I w ill be late.
HAIL JIM . To the Director of the Grand Archive: Thank you for these documents. I know just how I will put them to use. Stay safe. You never know what?s lurking out there. Signed, R Or should I say? Agent R? To be continued...
Top t en r easons why my dog is a vsco boy Samant ha M. '21 Sam antha her e. Today I w ill shar e the Top Ten Reasons W hy M y Dog is a VSCO Boy! A: W hen dr inking his w ater , Bentley uses a m etal str aw ? NOT A PLASTIC STRAW ! Nu m er o Dos: To keep his ear s out of his face, he uses a scr unchie. I I I : W hen he goes on w alks, Bentley uses his Hydr o Flask . Nu m ĂŠr o qu at r e: He alw ays w ear s an over sized T-shir t. 5: Bentley specifically chose a puka shell necklace collar instead of the ?basic? dog collar s. F: Bentley w ear s his Bir kenstocks ever y tim e he steps outside.
Nu m er o Si et e: Bentley hung fair y lights in his r oom . VI I I : I checked r edbubble and saw all of the sticker s Bentley or der ed for his Hydr o Flask . Nu m ĂŠr o n eu f : Bentley m ade fr iendship br acelets out of str ing for him self and his fr iends. 10: Bentley chose the Fjallr aven Kanken bag for his backpack to use dur ing online school.
r an Qua
5
es uot Q e t in
THEBEST PLACES TOVISIT AFTERQUARANTINE Lindsay B. '23 Since w e have all been stuck at hom e dur ing
Am ster dam include the
this pandem ic, I thought I w ould discuss som e places
Anne Fr ank House, the
to visit after the quar antine.
Tulip M useum , and the
Ph u k et , Th ai l an d
Van Gogh M useum . You can also em bar k on canal
Phuket is an island in the
tour s ther e.
Andam an Sea r ich in cultur e. It
Sal zbu r g, Au st r i a The
has w hite-sanded beaches,
gr een and m ountainous
aqua-color ed w ater s, and
city of Salzbur g is filled
lim estone cliffs. People can
w ith landm ar ks and
enjoy the m any spa r esor ts and
attr actions unique to
boat tour s as w ell. Phuket w as
this location. All of the
r ated #7 in Best Island
scenes of The Sound of
Vacations.
M usic w er e shot in
Dal l as, For t Wor t h , Tex as
Salzbur g. Anyone can go
Dallas For t Wor th is a
visit these shooting
m etr opolitan ar ea com pr ised
locations w ith a tour or
of tw o cities in Nor th Texas
on your ow n. Also found in Salzbur g is a 900-year -old
that has num er ous tour ist
for tr ess called the Hohensalzbur g for tr ess. This
attr actions including the For t
for tr ess tow er s over the city of Salzbur g and tour ists
Wor th Stockyar ds, Dealy Plaza,
can w alk fr eely ar ound to explor e the gr ounds. You
the Sixth Floor M useum , For t
can also visit the bir thplace of
Wor th?s Kim bell Ar t M useum ,
M ozar t w hich is now a m useum .
the Dallas M useum of Ar t, the For t Wor th Zoo, and the
You r Best Fr i en d?s Hou se
Per ot M useum of Natur e and Science.
Because of this quar antine, w e
Lon don , En gl an d
have all been stuck in our
The Capital of England,
houses. W hile our fam ilies ar e
London contains attr actions
gr eat, it can get a little bor ing
for ever yone. London is r ich in
seeing the sam e people ever y single day. W hen the
cultur e, histor y, and theater.
quar antine is over , w e w ill be able to see our fr iends
Popular tour ist attr actions
and other s w ho do not live in our houses. Seeing your
include Big Ben, the Tow er of
fr iends after the quar antine is a gr eat thing to look
London, Buckingham Palace,
for w ar d to.
and Westm inster Abbey. Also
Th e Hai r Sal on
in London, one can find tw o
Once the quar antine is over , I know one of the fir st
w ell-know n depar tm ent stor es: Har r ods and M ar ks &
things I?m going to do is get a hair cut. M y hair is
Spencer.
cur r ently ver y long and I don?t know about you, but I
Am st er dam , Th e Net h er l an ds
can?t cut hair. If you have cut your hair at hom e and
Am ster dam is fam ous for its canals and histor ic ar chitectur e. In Am ster dam , you can find bikes ar ound ever y cor ner. Som e gr eat places to visit in
m ade a m istake, you can go to the hair salon after the quar antine to fix it.
6
Hobbies t o pick up ov er quar ant ine Isabel l e A. '23 1. Lear ning a new language - Duolingo is a gr eat option for this w ith m ultiple languages and easy activities. It?s difficult enough to lear n 1-2 languages in school, w hy not do m or e? 2. Cooking - You?r e hom e for ever y m eal, so w hy not tr y to cook som e of them ? 3. Baking - Look up som e r ecipes for your favor ite cookies, or tr y m aking a pie. We?r e all gaining w eight over quar antine anyw ay.
fr om your neighbor s. 8. Wr iting - All those w eir d thoughts and dr eam s in your head fr om being cooped up? Tr y w r iting them dow n, m aybe that?ll help. 9. Yoga - Give your m ind and body a chance to r elax w ith som e calm ing m usic and that old scented candle. 10. Jour naling - Wr ite about your quar antine exper iences, m aybe it w ill be fun to look back
4. Exer cising - Sitting ar ound w atching Netflix all
on year s later
day pr obably isn?t good for your body, attem pt
w hen your
r unning ar ound the neighbor hood or doing a
gr andkids ar e
couple of pushups.
w r iting about
5. Reading - Give your eyes a br eak fr om the
the COVID-19
scr een tim e, tr y picking up a book fr om your
pandem ic in
dusty bookshelf and see how you like it.
their histor y
6. Singing - You?r e void of hum an inter action,
r epor t.
you?r e bor ed, w hat better do you have to do? 7. Dancing - Get m oving by looking up som e dance videos on YouTube. M aybe even dance outside to get the added bonus of w eir d looks
QUARANTINEPLAYLIST Ahr on F. '22 Ever since quar antine star ted, m any people have felt a sense of loneliness and w ith the cancellation of public events -like par ties and
Vi n t age - NI KI Good Gi r l s - AUGUST 08 & Du ck w r t h
concer ts- m usic has been an escape fr om our r eality
Ri gh t eou s - Ju i ce W RLD
as w ell as a r em inder of pr e-quar antine tim es. In this
14,400 M i n u t es (cl ean ver si on ) - Ch an ce Th e Rapper
colum n, I have gather ed som e feel good songs that you can listen to thr oughout quar antine. M i dsu m m er M adn ess (cl ean ver si on ) - Ri ch Br i an , Joj i , Au gu st 08 an d Hi gh er Br ot h er s M en t al Heal t h (cl ean ver si on ) - CI RRRCLE I f You Wan t To - beabadoobee
Peach (cl ean ver si on )- Kev i n Abst r act Sel f Car e (cl ean ver si on ) - M ac M i l l er Th e Scot t s - Tr av i s Scot t & Ki d Cu di Pot at o Sal ad (cl ean ver si on ) - Tyl er , Th e Cr eat or & A$AP Rock y Bal i (cl ean ver si on )- Ri ch Br i an & Gu apdad 4000
Su n dr ess (cl ean ver si on ) - A$AP Rock y
ZUU (cl ean ver si on )- Den zel Cu r r y
Th e M om en t - Tam e I m pal a
4EVER - Cl ai r o
Continued on next page
7 Ven et i a (cl ean ver si on )- Li l Uzi Ver t
You can str eam the playlist her e:
Ni gh t s (cl ean ver si on )- Fr an k Ocean Feel i n g Lon el y - boy pabl o M e & You Toget h er Son g (cl ean ver si on ) - Th e 1975 Car di gan - Don Tol i ver Can ?t Bel i eve Th e Way We Fl ow - Jam es Bl ak e
HOWTOSURVIVEOFF A LOWERSCHOOL EDUCATION Shir a k. '22 W hile m any par ents and adults dr ill us about the
Another im por tant thing that kids ar e taught in
im por tance of fur ther ing our education, the tr uth is,
Low er School is color ing. By lear ning how to color ,
you don?t need to. W hy w aste your tim e and m oney
you can m ake m oney selling your ar tw or k . It does
going to school w hen you can stop after four th
not need to be per fect! If you m ess up, just say it?s
gr ade?
abstr act ar t.
In Low er School, one of
By four th gr ade, you
the m ost im por tant things
should also know how to
that you lear n is the
follow som eone in a
alphabet. By studying the
str aight line. This skill
alphabet, you can sound
can com e in handy w hen
out the w or ds on str eet
w alking dow n the str eet
signs or m enus and then figur e out the m eaning. Additionally, lear ning to count to one hundr ed can be extr em ely beneficial. This is because w hen you look for som eone?s house, the addr ess has num ber s in it. In or der to find that house by its addr ess, you
or in an unfam iliar building. If you get lost, just follow the per son in fr ont of you. Don?t w or r y, you?ll eventually get ther e. For all of these r easons and m any m or e, I believe that people should dr op out of school after four th gr ade.
w ill need to use your supr em e counting skills!
5 REASONS WHY SCHOOL IS A COMPLETEWASTEOF TIME Nat han l . '22 1. Algebr a 2: If you can nam e five adults w ho ar e
3. Waking Up Ear ly: Does this one even need to
not m ath teacher s and have used algebr a 2 in a
be explained? W hat m entally stable hum an
r eal w or ld situation, I'll give you $50.
likes to w ake up at 6:30am and go to school?
2. Chem istr y: Again, w hen has anyone used the
4. Essays: I under stand how these m ight help for
Lew is Dot Str uctur e to help them in the r eal
college, but still, w r iting a five page essay
w or ld?
com par ing and contr asting tw o shor t stor ies
Continued on next page
8 seem s like a com plete w aste of tim e. 5. Spanish Class: M y par ents alw ays tell m e that lear ning Spanish w ill help m e because ther e
ar e a lot of Spanish speaking people in Am er ica. Sadly, I can?t r em em ber a single tim e w her e I needed to use Spanish.
TOP TENCORONA MASKS Gar Ret t R. '22 Welcom e to a special edition of my colum n. Today w e
on the sides m aking entr y of any vir uses im possible.
w ill be looking at the top 10 best m asks for 2020.
It is r easonably pr actical for m ost people and can be
10. The eye m ask: this is the w or st m ask for the year 2020. As you can see w hoever w ear s it clear ly m isses the point as it pr ovides no pr otection fr om air bor ne vir uses. 9. Venetian Car nival m ask: w hile better than the eye m ask it still leaves a m assive gap below allow ing vir uses in. How ever , the fr ont is im penetr able to air bor ne vir uses.
stor ed in bulk . The only dow nside is that ther e is cur r ently a shor tage and the supply of N95s ar e r eser ved only for m edical per sonnel and specific at r isk people. 3. Scuba m ask and tank: This m ask is per fect in theor y fr om avoiding air bor ne infections due to it r elying on its ow n air supply and it being cut off fr om the outside. This m ask though is m eant for sw im m ing and air can pass thr ough the m ater ial of the m ask as
8. Sur gical m ask: although better
can vir uses.
than the eye m ask in the w ay it
2. Char coal filter ed gas m ask: This m ask m ay be ideal
actually cover s the m outh and nose,
for avoiding gas attacks and can definitely stop any
and better than the car nival m ask
vir us due to it being com pletely sealed and filter ed
because it leaves no gaps, it is still unable to stop
using activated char coal. The
covid-19 vir uses as they can pass thr ough the holes.
pr oblem is that it cannot be
7. Ski m ask: The Ski m ask is one of the better m asks
w or n for pr olonged am ounts of
because it cover s the w hole face. How ever , it is still
tim e and the activated char coal
possible for vir uses to get thr ough the m ater ial if not
isn?t r eally know n to stop
car eful but it is unlikely.
air bor ne vir uses.
6. M esh fiber m ask w ith filter : This
1. This is the m ask you have all been w aiting for. Ar e
m ask alm ost m akes it to the top 5
you r eady? Space helm et com bined w ith space suit
because of its str ong m esh m ater ial
This full body m ask pr ovides excellent pr otection
and 2 filter s. It is basically im possible
fr om vir uses as it is com pletely enclosed w ith no
for vir uses to penetr ate due to the
influence fr om the outside and can suppor t life in the
filter s and m esh. How ever , it does
vacuum of space. No vir us can penetr ate it, and it does
kind of hur t to w ear and you w ill be
have a good am ount of oxygen to keep the occupant
tem pted to touch your face w hen taking it off.
br eathing.
5. Plague Doctor m ask: The m ater ial is im possible for a vir us to penetr ate and the eye holes can be cover ed w ith glass. The only m ain dow nsides ar e the size and after a w hile it w ill becom e har d to br eath. A good side is that it looks r eally cool and you can put som e flow er s or nice sm elling her bs dow n the fr ont for the full plague doctor exper ience. 4. N95 r espir ator : This m ask is able to filter out the vir uses thr ough its m esh m ater ial and seals r eally w ell
11
CORONAVIRUS' EFFECT ONTHENBA El i w. '23 Covid-19 has affected billions of people
and M ay. As Los Angeles Clipper s player Patr ick
globally. This cr isis has caused the shutdow n of
Bever ley said, m ost of the NBA player s ar e ?calling
am usem ent par ks, businesses, and even spor ts.
each other ever yday. [They] have been keeping in
Although som e businesses have shut dow n befor e, this
touch, and [they] continue to m otivate each other.?
situation is extr em ely r ar e for the spor ts industr y. At
The shutdow n is not only difficult for fans and player s
fir st, the National Basketball Association planned on
of the NBA, but also difficult for the executives
continuing the basketball season w ithout fans in
w or king for the NBA. M any team s decided not to pay
attendance. How ever , after sever al player s becam e
other em ployees r egular ly for m onetar y r easons,
infected w ith Covid-19, the NBA w as for ced to shut
possibly leaving them w ithout pay for over tw o
dow n tem por ar ily. This decision w as extr em ely har d
m onths. Covid-19 is a cr isis the NBA w ill never for get.
because of the nor m al upcom ing playoff contention thr oughout M ar ch follow ed by the playoffs in Apr il
Edi t or -i n -ch i ef : Rachel H. '21
St af f :
M an agi n g Edi t or :
Chaim B. '21, Sam antha M .
Abigail H. '21
'21, Ronen S. '21, Daniel A.
Layou t Edi t or : Shir a K. '22
'22, Ahr on F. '22, Nathan L.
Facu l t y Adv i ser s:
R. '22, Isabelle A. '23,
M r. Phil Jacobs
Lindsay B.'23, Eli W. '23
'22, Gideon R. '22, Gar r ett
Dr. Neil Rubin
Kol BT Continued on next page