Beautiful lies

Beautiful Lies So today is exactly May 19, 2014. I am currently lying next to my youngest boy who nobody doubts one bit that he is an angel and was sent from my nana so I can look at my life from her point of view. She saw everything like it was and even beyond that she would see though people in their eyes and she knew that they were bad people but she was the type of nana that also let her kids and gradkids have fun although she yelled at them and told them, “And the police better not call me at 6 in the morning because I am not going to go bail you out. So whatever you guys do in the streets better not get you in trouble. That way you can learn your lessons! I always told myself I would never use drugs nor hang around people who used drugs. I was raised right by my nana, she didn’t really talk to me but just by seeing her that she didn’t do drugs and didn’t sleep around or have friends over to drink that was enough for me to attain that type of example for myself. I didn’t want to be a drunk or a druggie because I had seen it in my mother all my life and it was not nice. It was embarrassing and it made me very angry. My nana taught me to forgive, so I forgave my mom time and time again. But the only

thing forgiveness gave me is a temporary feeling of love and acceptance but it didn’t last very long maybe a couple of hours and then I would feel the very same way again. It was a feeling of infiority a feeling of being used for something that you had that they can use from you but then after they used whatever special thing you had you were the same old person again.

I grew up with a very messed up mentality and I have been wrong in so many ways because I have seen my kids do exactly as I have done and it is not right!

Right now Alex has me thinking I am not good for anything because he tells me so often that I am lazy, that, I take pills to function, that I do drugs, all the things I never wanted to be but what do I do believe him and live a life with no faith at all or not believe him and try to change my outlook of life on my own.

Am I that weak that I can’t do anything mysef. But I used to leave my moms house everytime she used to drink. I used to run so fast to my nana’s house because that was my safe haven. And I wanted to be where I felt safe. So here I am all grown up with 3 kids who are growing up learning from their parents and don’t have the guts that I had when I was young to leave and run away to my nana’s where I knew she

would protect me and and wouldn’t let anything happenen to me.

But the question now is where do I run, my grandma, who raised me passed away 4 years ago. I have had Alex be my safe haven since we were kids, he always took care of me and made me feel so safe and happy. I always ran to him when I felt like I needed to talk to someone and he was the only one that was always there and never left me. But over the years he has let me down so many times I ddon’t even think of him when I want to run away, he became my mom the person who I always wanted to run away from. I have to create a person that I can go to when I need help because after so many years of me just staying there for him to laugh at me and just put me down and I just don’t leave, he knows I won’t leave so he continues to do it a little bit worse each time because he knows I have no where to go. The only place I have is heaven that is the only place I have left to go. I have thought of leaving to that place so many times that I can’t even count, but my kids are so attatched to me that I would be a monster just like my mom to leave them if I would leave to heaven. My mom left us all the time because she knew I was going to be there to help pick them up and I always did. But now that I am in that situation I don’t have a sister like I had myself to go to

and just say I need help, I am broken and I need to get away. He has hurt me physically before but the emotionall part is just as painfull as if he would knock my teeth out. I keep thinking he will change that my life will change but its been so long and I know now that it won’t change. What I have to do for myself and for my kids is straighten up and sthreghten up. I am so weak that anybody or anything will break me with a simple word that seemed hurtful to me. He comes to me and says these beautiful things to me and I fall to the floor so he can walk over me because I see him as that I see him as that person that saved me from my mom so many years ago that he became my higher power. But then I turn around and see if he will lay down for me so I can also walk on him just as he didn to me and he is gone no where to be found and I am just left with those feelings of how can I be such an idiot, how can I let him do these things to me over and over again and I will not stop the pattern.

Where do I stop the pattern? Should I leave to California in the delicate state that I am in or should I just continue to live and see if things will change where I know they will not. I have sat and ignored my kids over and over again because I have been so broken inside because of what this man has done to me and I can’t correct it. Why because he gave me

money when I needed to pay bills, his and our bills, because he paid my phone bill, because he helped me out with our kids when other men left their women to fend for themselves. Is this the only reason I am breaking my kids and their heart because I believe he might just look at me and maybe make me laugh so therefore I will have a little bit of strength and faith again, but only for a brief moment. And in the end he only told me that he had to go away and talk to someone, something that took him a week to complete while I sat and waited at home, wouldn't dare leave the house in case he was on his way, when he was out passed out at some random womans house, drunk. I am actually writing this and reading it and am very angry and sad at the person that I have become. Nobody deserves to be treated that way and nobody deserves to have their faith taken away from them too. The only thing I have is my kids and what I have in my head and I can’t afford to have that broken too because that is the only thing I have to survive. I can’t keep giving it to him anymore. From now on I am going to plan on how I am going to leave with my kids only and work for them even if we don’t have everything we have now but at least I will have them and I will teach them about why I am the way I am and how for them never to ever let anyone get the best of

what they have of them. I had so much intelligence and hope and dreams‌.now the only thing I have is the next day and even when i think of that only reminds me that I have to live with myself and the failure I have become for loving a man that broke my spirit.

By Bianka Tanori, May 2014