Parenting Teens- June 2013

CP1

TECH ADDICTION

‘ LIKE

AN ALCOHOLIC NEEDING ANOTHER DRINK ’ ONE TEEN’S TESTIMONY OF STRUGGLE

JUNE

KNOW GROW BECOME

Are you there, God?

DOES GOD STILL SPEAK TO HIS CHILDREN?

by Jen Hatmaker

12 WAYS to break the silence with your teen

BUILDING WORK ETHIC

HOW

-TO HAVE-

HARD CONVERSATIONS

WWW.LIFEWAY.COM

FINDING A SPIRITUAL CONNECTION IN THE TOUGH TALKS ABOUT DEATH DISCIPLINE AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN JUNE // USA

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JUNE 2013

contents

VOLUM E 35, NUMBER 9

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KNOW 4

Off the Wire: Teens Is excessive texting affecting your teen’s social skills? by Robert Smith

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Teen Issues: Entitlement Our “Teen Issues” series continues with a look at entitlement. by Gretchen Williams

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Going Beyond 140 Characters In an era of cell phones and text-speak, communication with your teen has changed—for good. by Brian Housman

12 Media 411 The newest Audio Adrenaline has a dc Talk feel to it. by Randy Williams

14 Make It Work Establishing work ethic means different things for different age groups of teens.

by Lynn Dove

16 Teen Voice: What I Wish I Could Tell You One teen explains why it’s hard to talk to your parents sometimes. by Sarah Choi

GROW

BECOME

18 Off the Wire: Parents

32 Are You There, God?

How can you get your college-bound teen plugged in to church before he ever sets foot on campus? by Joy Fisher

20 How to Have Hard Conversations Having hard conversations in the home involves spiritual and emotional applications. by Toby Simers

24 Five Toxins of the Tongue Men: The wrong words can poison your marriage. by Mark Merrill

26 Single Parenting Good communication starts with being there. by Dedra Herod

27 Blended Families Healthy communication makes a big difference. by Gayla Grace

28 12 Ways to Break the Silence With Your Teen

Talking to God can feel like speaking into an open mic and waiting for a response that never comes. How does God speak to believers? by Jen Hatmaker

36 On Your Knees When praying for your teen’s communication, use David’s prayer as a model. by Kevin Garrett

37 Conversations To open up communication with your teen, find intentional moments to share as a family. by Kevin Garrett

38 ‘Do Not Ignore My Plea’ Can we really be honest with God in prayer? David was. And God could handle it. by Hanna Easley

42 In It Together Five Bible studies that look at the keys to divine conversations. by David Crim

A dozen ways to crack open a silent teen.

by Dave Stone

JUNE 2013 1

VOLUME 35, NUMBER 9 | June 2013 Vice President, Lifeway Church Resources | Eric Geiger PRODUCTION & MINISTRY TEAM Editor | Scott Latta Graphic Designer | Kaitlin McIntosh Editorial Team Leader | Mike Wakefield Send questions/comments to: Editor, Parenting Teens One LifeWay Plaza, Nashville, TN 37234-0144; Or make comments on the Web at www.lifeway.com MANAGEMENT PERSONNEL Director, Student Ministry | Ben Trueblood Director, Student Ministry Publishing | Jeff Pratt ADVERTISING One LifeWay Plaza, MSN 136, Nashville, TN 37234 Phone: (615) 251-2289 Fax (615) 251-2039 E-mail: magazineadvertising@lifeway.com Media kits: www.lifeway.com/magazines/media Director, Magazine Advertising & Circulation | Rhonda Edge Buescher Advertising Production | Scott Hancock PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Parenting Teens (ISSN 2167-8936; Item 005075228) is published monthly by LifeWay Press®, One LifeWay Plaza, Nashville, TN 37234, Thom S. Rainer, President. © 2012, LifeWay Press®.

For inquiries visit www.lifeway.com, or write LifeWay Church Resources Customer Service, One LifeWay Plaza, Nashville, TN 37234-0113. For subscriptions or subscription address changes, visit www.lifeway.com/magazines, fax (615) 251-5818, or write to the above address. For bulk orders shipped to one address, visit www.lifeway.com/magazines, fax (615) 251-5933 or write to the above address.

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editor’s note

encouraging and equipping parents with biblical solutions to transform families

Defending Dinner When our children were younger (our daughter and son are now 23 and 19, respectively), we were a pretty typical family as typical families go. We were busy and on the run—dance, baseball practice, theater rehearsal, school clubs, and a thousand other commitments, along with all the stuff at church.

Finding time to see each other was difficult; finding time to talk was even harder. However, there was one thing we stressed in our home: We ate at least one meal together. By eating together I don’t mean just grabbing McDonald’s drive-thru after practice on the way to Wednesday night activities at church. I mean sitting down together at the table. In our house. Just the four of us.

We did our best to keep this appointment even as the kids moved through middle school and high school. It wasn’t easy, and there were evenings when it just wasn’t possible, but for the most part we sat down together around the table for a meal…and conversation.

There were some rules about our time around the table. No TV. Regardless of what game or show might be on, the TV was not part of our mealtime. Also, the time around the table was an NCZ: No Cell Zone. No one—including me—was allowed to talk or text on our phones while we ate. Instead, we talked with each other. Some of those conversations were heated. Several were hilarious. But almost all were healthy. We discussed everything from the latest movie to the sovereignty of God. We guarded the time, and it was worth it.

We’re not the poster family for communication. We have our struggles like everyone else. And my wife and I don’t have a perfect relationship with our children. But I’m convinced that one of the reasons we enjoy a relationship of love, respect, and openness with our kids has to do with maintaining that mealtime appointment.

In this issue of Parenting Teens we want to challenge you in the area of family communication. It’s interesting that we live in an era where we have more devices with which to communicate, yet families struggle to really connect. When’s the last time you had good, healthy, face-to-face conversation with your teens? When’s the last time you turned all the electronics off and just talked?

Put the phones down. Turn off the computer and the TV. Talk with your teens. Gather your family around the table for food and conversation.

Build that communication foundation. I promise you’ll be glad you did.

All Scripture quotations are taken from the Holman Christian Standard Bible®, copyright 1999, 2000, 2002, 2003 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission.

Cover photo: Thinkstock

Mike Wakefield Team Leader, Parenting Teens mike.wakefield@lifeway.com

Check out our blog at www.parentingteensmag.com

2 PARENTING TEENS

KNOW

©©Image

your teen’s world

JUNE 2013 3

Off the Wire:

TEEN

PHEED, THE BEAST Pheed, a new iPhone app that debuted in November 2012, is a clever combination of the elements of other social networks including Twitter, Instagram, SoundCloud, Tumblr, and UStream. It quickly became popular among artists, photographers, filmmakers, and musicians and then began to grow in popularity among teens, becoming the top free app in social media, besting even Twitter and Facebook. Unlike some social networks, there are also no limits on content size on Pheed: videos can run longer than four hours, and photos can be any resolution and shape. One unique feature of Pheed is the “copyright button.” This allows users to put a watermark on their posted content and make it legally binding.

LINGERIE STORES TARGETING TEENS Retailers like Victoria’s Secret have hit on an expanding market for lingerie and intimate clothes: teen girls. Stores like Urban Outfitters, American Eagle, and Justice are trending younger in their designs, including an edgy line of intimates from Hot Topic and designs featuring skulls and ruffles. Victoria’s Secret’s “Pink” brand, additionally, is expected to become a $3 billion business.

The retailers are “all going to say they’re targeting 18- to 22-year-olds,” said Marcie Merriman, founder of retail and brand strategy consultancy PrimalGrowth, “but the reality is you’re going to get the younger customer.”

Source: http://bloomberg.com

Source: http://usatoday.com

Texting and Social Skills Does your teen give you one-word answers like Yep, OK, and Sure?

Have you ever been in conversation with a teen and felt like he had no idea how to communicate with you face to face? Studies are finding that teens who are obsessive texters have a more difficult time communicating without their cell phones. Stacey Dewitt, founder of Connect With Kids, gives the following advice for improving communication skills with teens who text: 1. Teach teens to put down the phone when talking with adults. That means eye contact with any adult and giving them your full attention.

2. Parents should designate time for the family to unplug, like saying “no cell phones at the table.”

3. Parents should model good cell phone behavior. When someone is talking, focus. Put down your cell phone more often and show your children that phones are not that important to you.

Source: http://11alive.com

4 PARENTING TEENS

KNOW

W H AT A R E TH EY DR INK ING? A report released earlier this year from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration suggests that the number of people seeking emergency treatment after consuming energy drinks has doubled nationwide during the past four years.

From 2007 to 2011, the number of emergency room visits involving energy drinks shot up from about 10,000 to more than 20,000. A survey of hospitals reported that most cases involved teens or young adults.

Consumption of energy drinks such as Monster, Red Bull, and Rockstar may cause insomnia, nervousness, headache, fast heartbeat, and seizures. Many energy drinks have labels and million-dollar marketing machines designed to reach teens. As more information continues to come out about the risks that may be involved with drinking them, parents must talk to their teens about what they’re drinking.

Source: http://usatoday.com

ROBERT SMITH is a writer and speaker from Lawton, Okla. A former youth minister, he founded Upside Down Ministries, an organization that specializes in youth culture and parenting issues. Visit ud4christ.com.

Abuse of over-the-counter medicines is most common among teens ages 13 to 16, who know they can get a cheap high right at home in their family’s medicine cabinet.

Here are eight of the most commonly abused over-the-counter medicines.

Parents should be aware of what is in their medicine cabinet and take precautions for the teens in their home.

1. D extromethorphan (found in cough medicines) 2. Pain relievers 3. Caffeine medicines and energy drinks 4. Diet pills 5. Laxatives and herbal diuretics 6. Motion sickness pills 7. Sexual performance medicines 8. P seudoephedrine (nasal decongestant)

Open Your Own Reading Center Work from home or at a commercial location.

OTC MEDICINE DANGERS

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Source: http://philly.com

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* T EEN|| ISSUES

Teen Issues: ENTITLEMENT

by Gretchen Williams

A 2012 commercial for Coke Zero begins with a little boy being handed an ice cream cone. Before taking it, he looks blankly back at the server, responding with one word: “And?” The server apologizes, adds sprinkles and a cherry, and hands it back to the smiling boy. The following scenes depict the boy expecting more and more from others in his life as he grows up, including a new employer who throws in stock options onto his hiring package to satisfy his demand.

While this example is fictional, the sense of entitlement it implies is a very real issue, causing growing concern among parents and educators of teenagers. At home it surfaces in defiance of authority or expectations of material gain; in the classroom, students are blaming teachers for their poor grades and discipline problems. So why is this happening? And is it really a new problem, or just a version of an old one?

6 PARENTING TEENS

Our culture is more consumer-driven than ever, and kids are not immune to the influence. The material wealth of our country, where we are accustomed to every convenience, has disconnected many of us from the experience of doing without. Advances in technology have reinforced our drive for instant gratification, making it possible to do everything from recording our favorite TV shows to ordering dinner right from our smartphones. Teens wade through hundreds of photos and updates on social networking sites daily, convinced that everyone else “has what I don’t” with every tweet, tumble, and post.

The root problem of entitlement is really a matter of the heart. And teens aren’t the only ones carrying around a feeling that they deserve better. Don’t many parents think their children should behave well, win the award, or get into that college like their classmate? Don’t we all think we deserve a better break, or a better life, because we have “done everything right”?

©©Getty

Ed. Note: This is the sixth in a 12-part series on social and moral issues teens face in their everyday lives.

In the familiar parable about the prodigal son in Luke 15, the younger brother, feeling entitled to his father’s inheritance before the father is even dead, takes off and squanders it recklessly. The older brother, however, reveals his own sense of entitlement when he refuses to celebrate his brother’s return. His deep resentment of his brother’s lavish welcome by the father reveals a stubborn and self-righteous heart.

When we live out of a sense of entitlement, we are basically saying that God is not enough for us, and we don’t agree with the way He is running things. We choose to live in bitterness that He hasn’t played by our rules, miss out on the joy of His presence, and forget His promise: “everything I have is yours” (Luke 15:31).

Resting in God’s provision is one of the hardest, but most rewarding, experiences of the Christian life.

The best way to prevent your teen from developing a sense of entitlement (or help to unravel it) is to repent of it yourself. If you cultivate an atmosphere of contentment in your home, your kids will follow suit.

Here are some other concrete ways to offer your teens a healthy perspective on what’s really important in life.

E N CO U R A G E YO U R T E E N T O S E R V E O T H E R S . When teens spend time with the poor or disadvantaged, they lose their natural self-focus. They realize the abundance of what they’ve been given, gain a broader worldview, and grow in their relationship with God. If your teen hasn’t had the experience of a mission trip or service project, encourage him or her to jump in, even if it’s just visiting a local nursing home or tutoring at a low-income elementary school.

When it comes to praising your kids, remember that quality is more important than quantity. While positive affirmation is important, studies have found that it is much more effective when it is directed and specific. For example, recognizing your teen’s effort and perseverance in studying for a test may be more effective than frequent exclamations of praise that either have little real meaning or convey sky-high expectations.

Let your teens experience the consequences of their decisions. Failure is a great teacher. It’s how kids

RESCUING YOUR TEENS FROM HARDSHIP OR DIFFICULTIES ACTUALLY DOESN’T SERVE THEM WELL IN THE END; IT ONLY LEADS THEM TO BELIEVE THAT THEY AREN’T CAPABLE OF HANDLING CHALLENGES ON THEIR OWN. learn and build resilience. Rescuing your teens from hardship or difficulties actually doesn’t serve them well in the end; it only leads them to believe that they aren’t capable of handling challenges on their own.

Teach your teen how to handle money and material possessions. If you have the means, buying your teen a smartphone or a tablet isn’t a bad thing in itself.

However, immediately replacing it for him every time it’s lost or broken rewards irresponsibility and instills an expectation that you will always give him what he wants. Whether it’s a part-time job or payment for extra chores, hard work can help your teen learn the difference between what is earned and what is a gift— and there is a place for both.

If you feel like your teen has a sense of entitlement, don’t be surprised. It is natural for teens to challenge authority from time to time, or lament about the unfairness of life. It’s part of growing up, testing their independence, and figuring out who they are. But if left unchecked, a sense of entitlement can be a destructive path. Modeling humility and an enjoyment of God’s abundant grace toward you will demonstrate how to receive His gifts—both tangible and intangible—with a grateful heart. With or without sprinkles on top.

GRETCHEN WILLIAMS is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, currently working with middle and high school students as a guidance counselor in Orlando, Fla. She is a freelance musician and also enjoys traveling and photography in her spare time.

JUNE 2013 7

Communicating with your teen in a tech-saturated society presents challenges for any parent.

Parenting Teens @pt_magazine

It’s hard enough to get your teen to look up from his phone, much less invest in a conversation.

Parenting Teens @pt_magazine

Thankfully, there are still some time-tested ways to get through.

by Brian Housman

I

walked into the living room to see my son playing on his XBox 360. With his headphones on and an intense look on his face, he was lost in a world filled with armed alien soldiers.

Out of nowhere he said, “No dude, don’t go that way. Follow me.” Only he wasn’t talking to me.

Curious, I asked, “W ho are you talking to, Bailey?”

“It’s Mason. He’s done with homework so we teamed up to play ‘Halo,’ ” he remarked without ever taking his eyes off of the screen.

My son stated his comment as if it were perfectly normal to meet up with one of his buddies through the Internet to play a game together while talking through headphones connected to a gaming system.

Normal? This technology didn’t even exist a few years ago.

8 PARENTING TEENS

Going Beyond 140 Characters My daughter is not immune to the new normal, either. She can have a conversation with our family while simultaneously watching a movie on a laptop and texting ongoing conversations with multiple friends on a cell phone. All at the same time.

She calls it “catching up with my friends,” even though no words are actually being spoken.

Being part of community, desiring authenticity, and having a strong sense of self-awareness are all core values for teenagers. But the way they go about expressing these values has greatly changed for the current generation of teens.

And these changes can all be traced back to technology.

Teens now live in a world dominated by Twitter, where communication happens 140 characters at a time. Posting

hundreds of prom photos on Instagram is the new way of sharing a significant life experience. All of their interests and group affiliations are listed on Facebook. Writing down deep secrets in a paperback journal is a thing of the past.

Now every event of their lives is on display on Tumblr. Instead of sleepovers, Facetime and Skype facilitate group hangouts.

Smartphones are portals to instantly upload their embarrassing moments to YouTube. And all of this is part of achieving community in the new normal.

RECOGNIZING THE TENSION On the surface, it may appear that your teen’s life is more fractured because of technology. But for them, this way of life is the only

©©Getty/Thinkstock

Parenting Teens @pt_magazine

thing they’ve ever known. For you as a parent, it seems that the world has changed quickly. Not many of us had home computers or car phones as teens. In contrast, your child has never experienced life without them. However, the sheer quantity of technology in a teen’s life can strain communication between you and them, and it can cause their lives to become unbalanced. That tension requires you to adjust how you communicate with each other, and it requires your teen to be accountable to having good boundaries with technology.

Today’s teen lives in a culture that expects them to be always “on” and available. The average texting teenager now loses one hour of sleep at night because he can’t turn off his phone. Teens feel pressure to be connected. This pressure can cause them to become self-focused.

To counteract the pressure, they may need you to help them find times for quietness and rest. As a safeguard, perhaps you could put away tech devices while at the dinner table. Ask your son or daughter to turn off screens when the two of you are talking. Have him leave his phone charging in the kitchen at night. These steps can help him shut down for a period of time.

Secondly, there is a loss of privacy happening in teen culture. Even if your teen doesn’t share every snapshot of his life online, chances are he has friends who have uploaded plenty of pictures of your child. The casual sharing of information has led to an expectation that your teen

The goal is not to fight against texting, posting, and tweeting. These devices are going to be the primary means of communication in your teenager’s life for the foreseeable future. Instead, you get to help teach moderation, discernment, and propriety in what your teen posts. should share all of who he is with complete strangers.

This is greatly reshaping how teenagers see their sexual identity.

Twenty-two percent of girls have posted or texted nude or seminude photos of themselves. Likewise, 40 percent of boys have sent sexually suggestive messages to someone else. The rapid-fire methods of texting, posting, and tweeting give teens little time to consider long-term consequences of their communication habits.

You have an opportunity to shape and inf luence your teenager in the world of technology and communication. The goal is not to fight against texting, posting, and tweeting. These devices are going to be the primary means of communication in your teenager’s life for the foreseeable future.

Instead, you get to help teach moderation, discernment, and propriety in what your teen posts.

Ask your teenager to take one minute to reread a post or tweet before hitting submit. Explain to her that everything she does online is creating a “digital

resume” of herself for others to read. Have her consider the way she communicates in light of Romans 12:1-2. How might it look for a Christian teenager to use all of the technology that is available to her, yet still remain holy and “set apart”?

USING TECHNOLOGY FOR GOOD Frustration doesn’t even begin to describe how it can feel as a parent when you can’t get your teenager’s attention because of those tiny devices causing his face to glow. All of the technology in your teen’s life can cause agitation, anger, and even jealousy.

Ironically, your teen has similar negative emotions, but for different reasons. Many teens have a sneaking suspicion that the real reason you gave them a cell phone was so that you could keep closer tabs on everything they do. You know you’ve moved from being a concerned parent to a helicopter parent if your teen answers her cell phone by saying, “W hat did I do now?” Instead of seeing you as a partner in her life, she can see you as overbearing and over-involved because of how you communicate with technology.

Overall, technology doesn’t have to be a wedge between you and your teen. On the contrary, it can be a great tool to improve communication between the two of you and to show your teen that you can adapt to his world. Here are a few simple ideas for you to connect with your teen.

JUNE 2013 9

1. Send an encouraging text on “big event” days. Your words of encouragement can serve as a reminder that you care (without being blatant or nagging) as they prepare for their major test, class presentation, or team tryout.

2. An occasional “out of the blue” text or post can bring a smile. Text a quote, picture, or Bible verse that reminds you of them. No need to send an explanation or long message. Short and sweet makes the point.

3. Be courteous of time changes. If you are going to be late or away from home when you normally would be there, give your teen a call.

You expect the same of her.

4. Let your teen use you as her “out” in a socially or morally awkward situation. You can check in on your daughter if it’s a first date, school dance, sleepover, etc. A quick, “Everything OK?”

Single?

is all it takes. If your teen feels uncomfortable being there, she can then say, “My dad just sent me a text; he needs me to come home.”

5. Let your child teach you a thing or two. Ask your teen to show you how to work your latest app or how to post something on a site like Instagram. They’ll love the opportunity to be the one in control.

The means by which you communicate as a parent may never again be exactly the same as your teenager. Regardless if their “normal” makes sense to you or not, you still have an opportunity to model love, acceptance, and Christlikeness to them in a way that

a tweet or post never can. They don’t just get love from you in 140 characters.

They get it for life.

BRIAN HOUSMAN is a writer and speaker who focuses on youth culture. A resident of Memphis, Tenn., he is the author of Engaging Your Teen’s World and Tech-Savvy Parenting. Visit Brian online at awaketolife.org.

START THE CONVERSATION AT HOME. Brainstorm places you can go to get your teen away from his or her phone—a baseball game, a run through the park—and talk through how your teen has seen communication change in his world: • Are any of your friends tech addicted?

• How have phones and social media negatively affected someone you know?

• Is there anything you’ve seen me too involved in, even if it isn’t related to technology?

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‘LIKE AN ALCOHOLIC NEEDING ANOTHER DRINK’ What is a tech addiction like? One teen experienced it first-hand.

By Bailey Housman

According to the dictionary app on my iPod Touch, an “addiction” is “the condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.” Well, I had one—big time.

For some people, it’s drugs or alcohol, but for me, my Achilles’ heel has always been my iPod Touch. It may not sound like a big deal, but it was the first thing that really let me connect with the world outside of what I knew.

To a 12-year-old, an iPod represents much more than a game system—it represents the next step in connecting with your friends through apps like Facebook, Twitter, or Textfree. It demonstrated that my parents finally trusted me enough to give me outside access to the Internet.

There were several boundaries my parents gave me about using my iPod. We talked about appropriate texting, the kind of websites to avoid, and when I couldn’t use it. They set a firm rule of no iPod after 9 p.m. That sounded easy enough to me. What could be so hard about 9 p.m.?

Every night my iPod was to be plugged in in the living room. “Out of sight, out of mind” was the intention. But every night it felt like a magnet pulling my hand toward it. Unable to resist any longer, one night I took it.

I decided to hide it until my parents went to bed. After they did, I pulled it out and started to play. Aglow with excitement at my deception, I figured that I could do it again since I didn’t get caught. This happened night after night until it became a full-blown addiction, and I did as I pleased without any consequences for more than a month.

One night my dad came into my room to say “good night” and caught me playing on my iPod. He didn’t do anything but hold out his hand, but I knew what he wanted me to do. I sheepishly put the iPod in his hand, and he walked out with a disappointed look on his face.

The relationship I’ve always had with my dad had been one of complete trust, but after that night I had broken that trust in a few short seconds. I felt like I was hopeless, like nothing that I did would help at all. I had dug myself into a pit, and there was no way out.

The next day I woke up and completed school on autopilot. I was distracted the whole day thinking at some point my dad was going to drop the hammer. At the end of the day, he called me into his room to talk. This was it. First would be the talk, then evidence against me, and lastly the punishment. I felt like my life was over. The whole way

to his room I felt like I was trudging to the gallows to be executed.

“Bailey, what were you doing with this in your bed?

Why was it so important for you to have this?” he asked.

The fact that I had become addicted to my iPod without even realizing it came crashing down on

THE FACT THAT I HAD BECOME ADDICTED TO MY IPOD WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING IT CAME CRASHING DOWN ON ME LIKE AN ALCOHOLIC NEEDING ANOTHER DRINK. I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE ON MY IPOD. MY ONLY RESPONSE WAS A SHEEPISH, “I’M SORRY, DAD.” me like an alcoholic needing another drink. I always wanted to be on my iPod. My only response was a sheepish, “I’m sorry, dad.”

Instead of rolling his eyes or yelling, he told me that I should not hang my head and that everyone makes mistakes, even him. I was too shocked to speak.

Why wasn’t he punishing me? Why wasn’t he freaking out? Instead he talked to me with compassion and mercy. In fact, he was talking to me as though I was a real person and not just a kid that can’t do anything right. It reminded me of Psalm 103:8: “The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and rich in faithful love.” I had heard about forgiveness in church, but now it was being lived out in my life. I was amazed.

Throughout the whole ordeal, I was stressed and felt completely helpless. All of that disappeared when my dad showed me grace and understanding. While he had forgiven me, it was not just a get-out-of-jail-free deal. I’ve had to work hard toward breaking the habit, and I’ve failed several more times. But even when I stumble I know I’m not in it alone. My dad is right there with me.

JUNE 2013 11

MEDIA

MUSIC

Reviews DESIRE LIKE DYNAMITE SANDRA MCCRACKEN INDEPENDENT

First off, you should know that I’m a Sandra McCracken fan. She could sing the phone book (remember those?) and I’d buy the record, the T-shirt, and the concert ticket. Desire Like Dynamite is a natural progression from 2010’s beautiful In Feast or Fallow but ups the ante with elements of electronica and synthesizers that never distract or shadow the songs. At the root, though, are McCracken’s songs, which instantly feel classic yet never show any wear after repeated listens, a sure sign of a well-written song. “Sweet Amelia” and “Dynamite” are standouts among greats, but you should give the whole album a listen. Start at sandramccracken.com.

DEEP ROOTS STEVEN CURTIS CHAPMAN CRACKER BARREL MUSIC

Last year, having parted ways with Sparrow Records—his record label for 25 years—Steven Curtis Chapman recorded this gem of a record for the music label owned

by Cracker Barrel restaurants. The album is a collection of folky and bluegrass versions of popular hymns and classic SCC songs. You get a sense that this album is all about family, with vocal appearances by Steven’s father Herb, his son Caleb, daughter-in-law Jillian, and his old friend Ricky Skaggs. By the end of Deep Roots, if you’re not tapping your toes or wanting to take banjo lessons then you might need to check your pulse. Take a taste at stevencurtischapman.com.

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The same forces that were responsible for the Newsboys’ pairing with dc Talk’s Michael Tait are attempting to recreate its unexpected success with another of CCM’s most beloved franchises, Audio Adrenaline.

When AA stopped touring because of singer Mark Stuart’s deteriorating vocals, we all experienced a loss. Enter another of dc Talk’s marvelous three, Kevin Max. Always the outsider, KMax is right on the inside now, and the songs are simply great. They’re all brewing with the familiar AA funk and jive but now Max’s distinctive vibrato rests atop. This is a comeback I’m rooting for. Hear the results at audioa.com.

JJ Heller’s music has existed on the fringes of the public awareness radar, which is a shame because if more people knew about her, she could have runaway sales figures. Loved continues Heller’s folky leanings but moves into an electronic/atmospheric space, which serves her sweet, soothing voice very well.

“For You” is a worshipful and intimate declaration of her submission and allegiance to the Lord and is an obvious choice for a single. It’s just a matter of whether or not radio stations will play independent artists. Check her out at jjheller.com.

12 PARENTING TEENS

ADMISSION (PG-13) TINA FEY, PAUL RUDD FOCUS FEATURES

Sometimes you hope for the best and get almost. That’s how I felt about Admission, a generally likable dramedy about an admissions counselor at Princeton who’s been keeping a secret. (Get it?

“Admission”?) Tina Fey and Paul Rudd are good-hearted people who don’t have it all together but learn life lessons from each other and the students around them. The strong pro-family and pro-adoption message is a rare treat out of Hollywood, but unfortunately, there’s just too much coarse language and inappropriate adult behavior that keep me from admitting this movie to my list of recommendations.

PT’S GRADE: C+

OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL (PG) JAMES FRANCO, MILA KUNIS WALT DISNEY PICTURES

Oscar Diggs, aka “Oz,” is a con-man with a traveling sideshow business who dreams of greatness. He charms his marks, the ladies, and anyone else he can use for his self-centered desires.

Until one day. While escaping the fists of a jealous beau, Oz’s hot-air balloon gets caught up in a tornado and lands in the city of Oz, whose resident oddities have been waiting for a prophesied leader. Oz takes the post but along the way learns how to be honest, humble, and even selfless. Oz eventually stops seeking his own greatness, but settles instead for the better “good-ness.”

PT’S GRADE: B

RANDY WILLIAMS is a Grammy-nominated musician and writer who lives in Franklin, Tenn.

TECH

MOVIES

KNOW

NEST LEARNING THERMOSTAT NEST.COM

Nest is a company started by the two guys who created Apple’s iPod. Their goal is to create simple technology that helps people do complicated things. The Nest Learning Thermostat helps people save money on their energy bills by simply learning a homeowner’s habits and programs their system to match. The company found that the average family wastes $173 a year in energy bills, which means it would take about 18 months to pay for the $249 thermometer.

However, the iOS and Android app makes getting out of bed and turning up the heater a thing of the past. Worth it!

PT’S GRADE: A

Life Stages

MAKE IT WORK

WHAT DOES A HEALTHY WORK ETHIC LOOK LIKE FOR DIFFERENT STAGES OF TEENAGERS?

by Lynn Dove

14 PARENTING TEENS

90 percent say the same about work skills learned on the job. Just 77 percent of people say that a college education is extremely or very important.

If this is indeed true, spending concerted time fostering a good work ethic will greatly benefit teens when they enter the work force.

Young Teen (age 13-15) If you have given your child opportunities to be “helpful” at home, at school, and at church, your young teen will be more willing and able to be a self-starter and look for ways to serve others.

What to do: Assign daily and weekly tasks for your teen to do. Remember to set time deadlines for the chore to be completed and specific expectations on what the task requires. For example, if you want your teen to feed, bathe,

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My 17-year-old daughter recently got her first job as a receptionist at a local hair salon. As a parent, it is gratifying to see my “baby” employed and earning her own money. I am proud of my daughter and how well she is handling her first job, and I credit that to her having a good work ethic and the fact that she has some solid core values that motivate her to excel in the workplace.

Although this is my daughter’s first “official” job, we have been trying to instill the need for having a good work ethic from the time she was a toddler. Many of the traits necessary for workplace success should begin in early childhood and be consistently reinforced during the teen years, including respect for authority, willingness to serve and work with others, and diligence in meeting responsibilities.

According to the Pew Research Center, 96 percent of parents say a good work ethic is extremely or very important;

KNOW

and walk the dog, ask exactly that. “Look after the dog,” is too general a statement, and teens will find a way to do the bare minimum to complete the chore. If you want the kitchen “cleaned,” be specific: “Empty and load the dishwasher” and “wipe down all the countertops” are specific tasks that a teen clearly understands.

At this stage your teen needs to understand that everything he or she does may or may not be rewarded with a treat or cash reward. Teens must learn that as part of the family, there are chores that must be done every day and everyone pitches in to help.

It is important at this stage to encourage your teen to not give up in the face of adversity. This is a time for a parent to insist that if teens start something, they must complete the task to the best of their ability … even if it requires a lot of effort and time. It shows character and poise to stick with something to fruition.

Middle Teen (age 16-17) Students at this stage are planning more for their future and thinking about what they will do after high school. Many are getting their driver’s licenses and contemplating getting their own cars. Teens are pursuing a paying job outside of the home so they can have money of their own. There is great satisfaction in earning their own money and not relying on their parents to give them spending money. A wise parent will allow them to go and find a part-time job that will allow the teen more independence and the ability to make wise spending choices with their own hard-earned cash.

What to do: Insist that your teen understands there are priorities that go above and beyond the job. If at all possible, direct teens to find employment that does not require them to work on a Sunday.

School work need not suffer as a result of getting a parttime job. If you notice your teen overly stressed about trying to work, getting good grades at school, and keeping church and other social and family commitments, it may be necessary for you to determine the number of work hours that may be appropriate for your over-extended teen.

Teens need to understand that having a job is a privilege and a responsibility. Insist that your teen take the job seriously and to work at it the very best of his ability. It is important for parents to be actively involved with preparing students to face the added challenges a part-time job brings. Be careful

that you do not “bash” their employer if your teen is overly negative towards the job. Instead encourage cooperation and compromise in the workplace.

Employers will tell you that they appreciate students who are punctual, dependable, and honest. I tell my children that whenever they are outside of the home they are representing our family and our God to the community at large. They should be ever mindful of that and conduct themselves accordingly.

Lastly, when that first paycheck arrives, sit down with your teen and create a sensible budget with her so she is able to tithe, save, and spend her money wisely.

Older Teen (age 18-20) Older teens are making life decisions about college, university, jobs, and relationships. Students who have worked prior to this point will have a greater chance of finding employment with a résumé that lists some previous work experience. If the student has shown a good work ethic, he will likely also have a couple of good recommendation letters from previous employers to show in interviews.

What to do: Students need their parents’ support and encouragement more than ever, but now is not the time to “tell them what to do.” A parent said to me, “If she hasn’t learned the lessons we tried to teach her throughout her life, she won’t learn anything new now.” I don’t know if I totally agree with that statement, but I think it is true that, especially when it comes to a good work ethic, if it has not taken root long before this stage of development, the young adult will definitely struggle now.

Parents, encourage your children to seek God’s will and direction when they are making these important life decisions about their career and future. Pray for them and pray together. Reinforce the good work ethic already instilled in your teen and take comfort that God will direct his path.

LYNN DOVE calls herself a Christ-follower, a wife, a mom, a grandmother, a teacher, and a writer (in that order). She is the author of the award-winning The Wounded Trilogy. Her blog, “Journey Thoughts,” won a Canadian Christian Writing Award in 2011. Connect with Lynn on Facebook, Twitter, and on her website, shootthewounded.org.

JUNE 2013 15

Teen Voice

WHAT I WISH I COULD TELL YOU

By Sarah Choi

Every morning you make sure I have a lunch for after my 4th period class.

You drive me to school and graciously pick me up when I miss my bus.

We eat dinner together every night, and you ask Noah and me questions about our day.

Why, then, do I feel like a wall is gradually rising between us, and I can’t talk to you frankly?

This article has taken me about four tries to write. Maybe it’s because I cannot fully define and elaborate why it’s difficult for me to talk to my parents sometimes.

I love and appreciate my parents, but sometimes these feelings seem to vanish and become replaced by times when I get frustrated and discontented with them.

As I look back on my junior year of high school, I realize how much more I had on my plate than the year before—almost three times the amount of schoolwork and less time to sleep. Every day my ACT/SAT prep and AP

classes exhausted me, even when I did my best to work through the moments I was lethargic and tired.

Those times I did try to sneak in a nap and the nap lasted for an hour…then two…then closer to six, my parents reacted, and the longer they saw me cycling this way, the more restrictions—even

I love and appreciate my parents, but sometimes these feelings seem to vanish and become replaced by times when I get frustrated and discontented with them. phone cancellations—came in.

This is where my wall comes up and feelings take over: Compromise. Dishonesty.

Deceit. Hatred.

And this is when I realize my faults. So I rise up and attempt to hoist myself away from that cycle of laziness.

But it takes me a long time to get back on track.

I know these habits can be dangerous. It’s like when I have to read a chapter a night for my U.S. History class; when I forget to read one, I have double duty the next day. Then it becomes a habit, and I end up having to read seven chapters on a Sunday night before school starts the next day.

I need your understanding.

I’m not a perfect student, but I am determined to become better. I learn so much every day, not just from school but from life! I am a human being, and I am maturing. I will not stop learning, and I am doing what I can in order to learn from my mistakes. It just takes time.

It also takes time for the wall of hate to transform into the wall of obedience, faith, and trust. I need you to see the cause and effect relationship, to constantly try and see from my perspective so I don’t feel like your words are words of shame.

16 PARENTING TEENS

©© iStockPhoto

SARAH CHOI is a student at Ballard High School in Louisville, Ky., where she enjoys writing. As a PK (Pastor’s Kid), she tries to live life as faithfully and humbly as possible.

GROW

©©Image

your parenting skills

JUNE 2013 17

Off the Wire:

PARENT

DYING TO GET BEHIND THE WHEEL

CO N N EC T O N CAM P U S Got a student heading off to college? Statistics show that most students disconnect from the church once they leave the home. Don’t let that happen!

Students, student pastors, or family members of incoming college students may log on to sbccampusconnect.net and input basic information about a graduating student into an online form.

The info is forwarded electronically to the Baptist Campus Ministries pastor at the university the student is attending for the pastor to get in touch with your student. The resource is free and is a great way to help a student make an early connection with a Christian group on campus.

The number of 16- and 17-year-old driver deaths in passenger vehicles during the first six months of 2012 jumped 19 percent, from 202 to 240, compared to the year before. Researcher Dr. Allan Williams said that while the news is certainly not good, deaths in this age group remain at a historically low level. “We are still at a much better place than we were 10 or even five years earlier,” he said.

While overall traffic deaths increased by 8 percent, the jump in teen driving deaths is a concern and reminder to be proactive and intentional when it comes to keeping your teen safe behind the wheel.

Source: Governors Highway Safety Association (GHSA)

THE MINIMUM WAGES

It’s no secret that college is getting more expensive. In 2000, a student could pretty much cover his or her own tuition, room, and board—around $8,864, for example, at Middle Tennessee State University—by working a minimum wage job full-time during the summer plus 20 hours per week during the school year.

Fast forward to 2012. The total outlay for the same school is inflated to $15,224.

And for the student to cover it himself? Now he must work full-time during the summer, plus 40 hours per week during the school year.

Source: http://tennesseean.com

18 PARENTING TEENS

R EC A ST I NG YOU R T E EN

Is your teen driving you crazy? Think about qualities that may drive you nuts about your child, and turn the negatives into positive traits that will shine through in adulthood: • “Impatient” might become “leader” • “Aggressive” might become “focused” • “Argumentative” might be “able to persevere when challenged” • “Overly sensitive” might be “empathic or attuned” • “Does the bare minimum” might become “efficient, clear priorities” Source: 21 Ways to Connect with Your Kids by Kathi Lipp (Harvest House, 2013)

R

e s a le P SV

If your teen has ever been

disappointed at the turnout for her birthday party or some other long-awaited event, you will understand the importance of teaching her etiquette about giving an RSVP. Here are a few tips from the Emily Post Institute: 1. T ake your cue from the invitation. If you received an email, it’s fine to reply in kind. If a formal invitation arrives in the mail with an enclosed reply card, send it back by mail.

2. Respond in a timely fashion. As soon as possible is best.

3. If you must decline, there is no need to go into detail about why.

4. Reply even if you have a potential conflict. If it is a formal event, declining is better than saying you might appear.

5. Even if no reply is requested, it is polite to notify the host if you cannot attend.

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Source: http://emilypost.com

JOY FISHER is a freelance writer, editor, and reviewer. She and her husband, David, make their home in Nashville, Tenn.

Summer is the perfect time to enjoy new book releases from your favorite authors.

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To help out, we’ve built a web-based Summer Reading Guide featuring cover images, book descriptions, author names, purchase information, and more. So whether you’re planning to read by the pool, on the beach, or in your own backyard, make LifeWay’s Summer Reading Guide your first destination! www.LifeWay.com/SummerReading

How To

Have Hard

Conversations

Tough conversations in the home can get emotional—but there’s a spiritual connection underneath that shouldn’t be ignored.

20 PARENTING TEENS

©©Thinkstock

By Toby Simers

S

ometimes they don’t realize it yet— that we’re trying to help, that we’re not terribly lost, that we might know something beneficial.

I remember my son looking up from a disappointing test grade, annoyed with my advice and yelling at me, “You don’t understand; math has changed!” I literally laughed out loud.

Then I looked at his study sheets.

I didn’t recognize a thing. It was true.

Math had changed.

This is not our middle school or high school anymore, folks, and it threatens our ability to relate. But, we can relate to the charged emotions our teens are facing. And we can better enter into the necessary, hard conversations at times by attending to those emotions rather than avoiding them.

I learned this the hard way. I can be a knucklehead as a dad. I’m great at picking up on things with other people, but it took me a little while to begin seeing what I was missing in my own family.

It’s easy to label our teens as acting out, or having attention-seeking behavior, or being manipulative, or focusing on themselves instead of God, and those may be valid issues at times. Still, when it comes time to address these issues and have hard conversations with your child, let’s replace the idea of our kids needing attention with the idea that they need a connection. And we can best connect with them by attending to the emotion before attending to the solution.

In other words, we need to slow down before we try to fix the problem.

OK, but where’s the spiritual part?

In fact, a spiritual focus needs to be at

LET’S REPLACE THE IDEA OF OUR KIDS NEEDING ATTENTION WITH THE IDEA THAT THEY NEED A CONNECTION. AND WE CAN BEST CONNECT WITH THEM

BY ATTENDING TO THE EMOTION BEFORE ATTENDING TO THE SOLUTION.

the core, and it is, because the spiritual can’t really be separated from the emotional and still be healthy. When we acknowledge our son or daughter’s anger, or sadness, or excitement, or fear, we are with them right in the middle of the Truth. Even if they don’t realize it yet.

CULTIVATING HONESTY So how do we get them to go there with us or let us in to that part of themselves? Basically, we have to cultivate honesty by rewarding honesty.

Remember, truth doesn’t taste good unless it’s seasoned with grace. When there has been a breach in the family rules, grace says, “You’ll be in less trouble if you tell me the truth.”

Then we have to back that up.

Reward their honesty. If we lower the boom anyway, we just taught them how to not trust us at all.

Cultivate safety in conversation by being safe at other times. So when you hear something inappropriate that your teen’s friend is doing, question

out loud the behavior or decision, discuss the possible outcomes, but do so without criticizing the friend. If we model judgment all the time, we’re going to eventually create a lack of safety with our own kids.

PERSONALITY CONSIDERATIONS Remember to parent each kid as an individual. In our house when a consequence has to be levied, each child responds differently. One kid cries at the mention of punishment, one kid argues a position against the injustice of it all, one kid chimes “OK” and then skips down the hall, and one kid gets eyes like The Incredible Hulk. Each one is different, responds differently, needs different things. The Hulk calms down with a valid reason.

The Actress wants to feel that no one is mad. The Lawyer needs time and music to relax her opinion. The Skipper apparently has her own magical fairy dust, so we just leave her alone with it.

I have found it to be incredibly important to find each kid’s “open window” for conversation. Find the time and place that makes them comfortable. It might be a consistent moment or time of day (bed time, after dinner). It might be an activity (going for a walk, playing catch). It might involve a certain structure (sitting at the table, written in an email first). Or, maybe it’s a location (coffee shop, park, the car).

Whatever it is, we need to lean into those natural opportunities for hard conversations.

There are lots of roles we fill when communicating with our teens: Coach,

JUNE 2013 21

MOVE TOWARD EMOTIONS FOR CONNECTION. MOVE TOWARD SCRIPTURE FOR SOLUTIONS.

Advocate, Crime Stopper, or Judge. It helps if I pay attention to what role I’m speaking out of in a specific conversation.

Am I using the voice I intend? Am I being a Judge when it’s time to be a Coach?

Am I being an Advocate when it’s time to be a Crime Stopper?

As parents, we have to concede that there are decisions and influences that we have already put into practice with our kids that didn’t work or missed the mark.

It’s already in play. It’s too late for a retraction. It’s not too late for a course correction. When I have blown it, I have to make things right, repair the relationship, and move forward. And we need to give ourselves grace. We need to give our kids grace. We need to extend a love and a trust and an absence of shame to them that we haven’t even necessarily had for ourselves at times.

22 PARENTING TEENS

DEATH IS HARD. Death as a topic is unsettling. I could give you pointers on talking only about death, but under the surface of that is loss. And our kids are going to be facing loss for the rest of their lives. The formula is simple: “When there is loss—grieve.” Look at your kids and tell them to cry, shout, make a fist, hit a pillow with a tennis racket, mention who and what has been lost, and don’t avoid it.

Look at them and tell them, “Don’t let anyone rush your grieving process, including yourself.” Grieving a loss won’t hinder their life—it will free it up for the future. The space in my counseling office is regularly filled by people dealing with issues of unresolved grief that linger into adulthood. It doesn’t have to be that way.

SEX SEEMS TO FREQUENTLY MAKE THE “TOUGH CONVERSATION” LIST. And given limited space here I’m going

ATTEND TO BOTH WHEN YOU ATTEND TO HARD CONVERSATIONS WITH YOUR TEENS.

to refer rather than be too brief. There are lots of great resources to help you talk through issues of sex. Kevin Leman and Kathy Flores Bell’s book, A Chicken’s Guide To Talking Turkey With Your Kids About Sex (Zondervan 2009) is right in line with building trust, giving support, and cultivating safety.

As far as your emotions, just pray for the ability to be the least anxious person in the room, no matter what.

AS FAR AS SELF-DISCIPLINE, IT HINGES ON UNDERSTANDING RESPONSIBILITY. And responsibility begets responsibility. Just help them bridge the gap between your desire for them to be responsible and how it fits into the greater good, the bigger picture, the endgame. Ask them, “Whose responsibility is that?” Ask to help them problem-solve a better way, or different way, to get something done. Allow them to discover how they

are making a contribution, not just following a demand.

Remember, the emotional and spiritual can’t be separated. God created that, not me, not you, not our kids, not culture. God did it. So work with them—use them both to connect to your kids. Move toward emotions for connection. Move toward Scripture for solutions. Attend to both—emotion and solution—when you attend to hard conversations with your teens.

No, they may not rise and call you blessed. They may not understand why you are pouring into their lives in this way. You may feel frustrated and toxic at times.

You’re human, you’re normal, I get it. So ask for help. Seriously, I don’t

REMEMBER, THE EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL CAN’T BE SEPARATED. GOD CREATED THAT, NOT ME, NOT YOU, NOT OUR KIDS, NOT CULTURE. GOD DID IT. SO WORK WITH THEM—USE THEM BOTH TO CONNECT TO YOUR KIDS. know how anyone does parenting without Jesus.

When I’m in the pit, Psalm 40 reminds me that He’s in the pit with me. When I’m walking the right road, Zephaniah 3:17 reminds me that He’s

celebrating me. And when I’m at the top of my game and a bit arrogant, 2 Sam. 22:28 reminds me that He will humble me to keep me healthy and in step with Him. He attends to me. He loves me well.

Even when I don’t realize it yet. That’s our model for parenthood.

TOBY SIMERS is a therapist in private practice in St. Louis, Mo. He spent 12 years in vocational ministry, graduated from the Willow Creek Internship program and earned a Masters in Counseling at Covenant Theological Seminary. But more importantly he’s a devoted and growing husband, father of two and stepfather of two.

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HEY DAD,

Got a Minute?

by Mark Merrill

Toxic words poison, and sometimes even kill, relationships.

Words like “I hate you” or “I wish I never met you” can cause irreparable damage. I confess there have been too many times when harsh, harmful words have come out of my mouth toward my wife, my kids, and others. It grieves me. I’m continually working hard to choose my words wisely.

The way you speak to your spouse and family has a lot to do with your role as a dad. Your son is learning how to be a husband from his dad. Your daughter is looking to her father to set the standards for the kind of husband she’s looking for.

Here are five toxins of the tongue that we must avoid: 1. Sarcastic Words: Comments like, “The house isn’t going to clean itself,” or “Do I look like your maid?” seem like no big deal on the surface, but sarcastic words are sometimes just symptoms of an underlying unmet expectation that has frustrated a spouse for quite some time. They can be used as a cowardly way to “dig” at your wife.

2. Unsupportive Words: Every husband and wife wants to know that they have their spouse in their corner cheering

24 PARENTING TEENS

MARK MERRILL is the founder and president of Family First, a national non-profit organization dedicated to strengthening the family. Mark hosts the “Family Minute with Mark Merrill,” a nationally syndicated daily radio program. He is the author of All Pro Dad: Seven Essentials to be a Hero to Your Kids.

This article was adapted from a post at markmerrill.com.

©©Thinkstock

Five toxins of the tongue that can poison your marriage

them on. When a spouse says things like, “That’s a crazy idea,” or “Do you really think you can do that?”, what they may really be saying is “I don’t believe in you,” or “I’m not on your team.” Instead of saying, “That’s the worst idea ever,” you could say, “That’s a great idea, but I feel like you would be better at this…” We should be our spouse’s No. 1 fan, not her biggest critic.

3. Disrespectful Words: Respect is not something that has to be earned. It should be given unconditionally in marriage. Disrespectful comments like, “Can’t you find a real job?”, “I don’t care what you say; I’m going to do it anyway,” and “You’ve really been putting on weight” are insulting, offensive, and can undermine a spouse’s sense of worth.

4. Comparing words: When saying things like, “Susan would do that for her husband” or “Why can’t you be more like Karen?” what you’re really communicating is “You don’t make the grade…you’re not good enough” as a wife.

5. Selfish Words: “I don’t care how you feel, just get it done.” “I want that new boat.” “I need someone who really meets my needs.” Spouses who care more about themselves than their spouses often start their sentences with “I.” It’s all about their wants and their needs, rather than their mate’s.

Have any, or many, of these toxins of the tongue been injected into your marriage? If so, apologize to your spouse.

Healing can only begin when toxins are removed. And in the case of verbal toxins, relationships begin to mend when couples ask for forgiveness from each other.

Be slow to speak. It’s OK to be quiet, reserved, and thoughtful about what comes out of your mouth … especially when you are upset.

Make a personal vow that toxic words will no longer come out of your mouth. Putting a Post-It Note by your bed or on your mirror can serve to remind you of your commitment.

Give your spouse the freedom to inform you when toxicity starts to stream from your tongue. You were created to build each other up, not tear each other down.

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A Different Angle:

SINGLE PARENT THE ADVICE I WAS GIVEN AS A YOUNG MOTHER WAS TRUE: YOUR CHILDREN NEED YOU HOME AND EMOTIONALLY PRESENT MORE WHEN THEY ARE PRE-TEENS AND TEENS THEN AT ANY OTHER STAGE IN THEIR LIVES .

By Dedra Herod

Why is healthy communication so hard? I’m sure part of the reason is because it needs to be consistent, open, and honest.

In a single-parent home, there are some days that task seems insurmountable. Being mom, dad, home caretaker, employee, chauffeur, and accountant can be incredibly overwhelming.

In some single-parent homes, communication is the last area of our lives that gets attention ... but it needs our “all-in.”

We need to be present in conversations, listening, not always responding. We need to be face-to-face, not distracted by social media, smart phones, or TVs. You can’t hold three conversations at once, much less 10, but that is exactly what we face every day if we divide our attention among our phones and computers. Constant communication and a barrage of other input all day long makes any sane person—teen or adult—exhaust all his words.

The hope that remains is this: • Creating and maintaining open and honest relationships brings joy.

26 PARENTING TEENS

DEDRA HEROD is wife to a husband that refuses to be tamed, mom to three college kids that make her laugh, and whose desire is a home where everyone loves to hang out, as long as they clean up after themselves.

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Communicating means being present

• When you have constant and loving communication, peace wins.

• Communication with your teen that is respectful and uses healthy boundaries strengthens families.

In our home, with lots of different schedules, it was incredibly difficult to communicate well. We finally got our rhythm down when we voted as a family to make dinner time a “must” attend 3-4 times a week. It sounds cheesy to some, but my adult kiddos still love doing it. We almost always had a “high/low” portion to our dinner time—each of us would say what our high part of the day was and what our low part of the day was. They couldn’t duplicate what another person said, and there was no copping out. There was absolutely no interrupting or pressure directed toward anyone. It gave us all a chance to peek into each other’s hearts and bring us to a place of gratefulness for each other and what God was doing in our lives.

The advice I was given as a young mother was true: Your children need you home and emotionally present more when they are pre-teens and teens then at any other stage in their lives. Being home when your teens are home is critical in ensuring communication remains honest and open.

The reality is that we have a few short years to connect with our teens as they grow into adults. As their parents and especially as single parents, it’s important to understand that our job is to continually train them in the way they should go, and that always takes constant communication.

GROW

A Different Angle:

BLENDED FAMILY “I” STATEMENTS TAKE OWNERSHIP OF OUR FEELINGS AND NEEDS AND COMMUNICATE THEM TO OTHERS WITHOUT PLACING BLAME. IT’S EASIER TO HEAR, “I FEEL INSECURE WHEN YOU IGNORE ME,” RATHER THAN “YOU MAKE ME ANGRY WHEN YOU DON ’T LISTEN TO ME.”

HEALTHY COMMUNICATION MAKES A DIFFERENCE

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By Gayla Grace Communication in stepfamilies is complicated. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed with so many people to interact with—your spouse, ex-spouses, stepchildren, biological children, ex-in-laws, new in-laws, grandparents, and more. But healthy communication allows family members to work through feelings of loss from death or divorce. Without it, relationships can’t grow and conflict can’t be resolved.

Healthy communication habits make a difference.

For example, focusing on “I” statements instead of “you” statements when you’re hurt or angry helps the other person accept your feelings without reacting in defense.

“I” statements take ownership of our feelings and needs and communicate them to others without placing blame.

It’s easier to hear, “I feel insecure when you ignore me,” rather than “you make me angry when you don’t listen to me.” Learning to resolve conflict through interactive communication that doesn’t damage the relationship is vital.

In the early, relationship-building years of a stepfamily, healthy communication with step-teens includes more interaction as a friend than as a parent. Research affirms the importance of the biological parent assuming the primary disciplinary role while the stepparent earns the teen’s love and respect.

Scripture gives countless suggestions related to effective communication. In the midst of keeping peace with five children, our family memorized a particular Scripture to help—Ephesians 4:29: “No foul language is to come from your mouth, but only what is good for building up someone in need, so that it gives grace to those who hear.” I focused on applying it to my own life related to how I spoke about my exhusband or my children and stepchildren when I was angry with them. It’s easy to slip into “unwholesome talk” unless we’re intentional with our behavior, allowing the Holy Spirit to guide our steps.

Another piece of healthy communication includes active listening. James 1:19 says, “Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.” Without conscious effort, I get that backward and am slow to listen and quick to speak.

But good listening allows us to understand and make sense of what the other person is saying before we respond.

Communication within your stepfamily doesn’t have to be overwhelming. With intentional effort toward healthy communication habits and a sincere effort to follow Scripture, fruitful relationships will follow. And in the process, your teenagers will learn valuable lessons that will last into adulthood on how to interact with others.

GAYLA GRACE is a mom and step-mom to five children, ages 11-28. She ministers to step-families at her website, stepparentingwithgrace.com.

JUNE 2013 27

12

WAYS TO BREAK THE SILENCE WITH YOUR TEEN

28 PARENTING TEENS

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by Dave Stone

MARK TWAIN ONCE SAID, “When your child turns 13, stick him in a barrel, place a lid on top, and feed him through the knothole. When he turns 16, seal up the knothole.”

What is it about teenagers? Why do they get such a bum rap? Are they bent on rebellion or just in need of direction? Is it possible to have normal conversations where your teen opens up to you become the norm rather than the exception?

Enough with the questions, let’s look for some answers.

From the outset, be careful not to confuse your teen taking steps toward independence with that of willful rebellion.

One is a natural progression, while the other is in direct opposition to your authority. From the day he was born your teen was moving toward independence—that’s the way God set it up.

That’s why communication is key while you still have your teenager at home. You will have to be intentional if you want to be able to talk with each other. Be forewarned, while their hormones are surging, at times they may clam up, lash out, or talk up a storm. So, here’s a 12-step program to open up those lines of communication.

1

AKE YOUR TEEN ON A DAY EXCURSION T OR OVERNIGHT TRIP WITH YOU. When it’s just the two of you, eventually they may open up and share joys and concerns you never dreamed they would.

2 3

LIMIT THEIR USE OF TECHNOLOGY. Electronics can turn a home into a silent zone if you let them. Make dinnertime off limits to technology.

OCCASIONALLY ALLOW THEM TO HAVE A CLASSMATE OR NEIGHBORHOOD FRIEND JOIN YOU FOR DINNER. My kids talk more and are more engaged when there is a guest—especially if it is their guest. You’ll stumble on to unknown insights through those conversations.

The supper table allows you the opportunity to affirm, teach, reinforce, listen, and laugh!

4 5 6 7

EXPRESS INTEREST IN THEM AND TEACH THEM TO BE INTERESTED IN OTHERS. Sometimes they clam up because they feel like other things in your life are more important than them. Is there an activity you can do together, like working out, watching your favorite TV show, playing a video game, finding a book to read, or doing a Bible Study together? Teach them it’s healthy for the spotlight to not be on them.

BE PERCEPTIVE WHEN THEY DON’T WANT TO TALK. Let’s be honest, at times parents feel more like dentists. And while it’s true that you may seem like you are pulling teeth to garner more than a one-word response (or audible grunt), be patient.

ENLIST THEIR HELP ON THINGS THEY ARE WISER AT DOING. There are advantages to being young. I “hired” my teenage son to help me with my Twitter account.

He can do it in his sleep and he’s a pro at knowing how to get followers. That simple task (simple for him!) helps him feel needed. Your teen can teach you things about your phone you never dreamed!

ENCOURAGE POSITIVE COMMUNICATION IN THE HOME. If your kids talk disrespectfully to you or berate their siblings, then it’s because you’ve allowed them to. Let your teens know the boundaries and don’t bend them. Communicate your expectations clearly. Deuteronomy 6:6-7 tells us: “These words that I am giving you today are to be in your heart. Repeat them to your children. Talk about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”

JUNE 2013 29

9

PRAY WITH YOUR TEENS BEFORE THEY GO TO SLEEP. The years between the ages of 13-15 are crucial.

Some of the best conversations occur after praying and before bedtime. The lights are out and they feel they are in a safe place. My girls tended to open up in those moments with my wife, while my son did so more with me. (There’s nothing scientific about that observation; that’s just how it played out in the Stone home.)

10 11

SERVE TOGETHER. Some of my greatest memories of time together with my teens would be when the focus was on others instead of our family. Your kids will surprise you with how they handle being out of their setting.

Conversations tend to flourish after you’ve served together.

SUPPORT THEM IN THEIR PURSUITS. W hile I’ve been writing this article I’ve been praying that my son’s varsity baseball game would be canceled. The forecast is light rain continuing to fall, but the game is still on. So, for two hours I’ll be seated on a wet bleacher, resembling a drowned rat … but it will be worth it afterwards when we talk non-stop, replaying the game over frozen pizzas while we dry off.

30 PARENTING TEENS

12

PRAY. Pray that God will help conversations to flow between you and your teens. Take your verbal challenges before the Lord and ask Him to work on their hearts and yours as well.

Remember, each child is wired differently, so you’ll need to be intentional about communicating with each of them.

I wholeheartedly agree with the apostle John when he writes, “I have no greater joy than this: to hear that my children are walking in the truth” (3 John 1:4). Nothing is better than that.

But the second greatest joy just may be when your teen gives you an unexpected phone call, or sends you a text of appreciation, or walks into your room and mumbles, “Have you got a minute to talk?”

Don’t faint when that happens. Instead, push away from your computer, put your smart phone down, and listen…and thank God that he wants to communicate with you.

DAVE STONE is a husband to one, father to three, and Papa D. to one. He is Senior Pastor at the Southeast Christian Church in Louisville, Ky. Dave is the author of How to Raise Selfless Kids in a Self-Centered World. It’s the third book in Thomas Nelson’s Faithful Families series.

When he’s not preaching or writing, he can be found sitting in the rain, cheering for his son.

Your teen may struggle talking to you, but how does he or she talk to others? This month’s new ec devotional looks at the characteristics of God, including God’s graciousness, and looks at how we as Christfollowers are to treat others and speak with grace. Check out ec at lifeway.com/ec.

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8

E RESPECTFUL WHEN THEY DON’T B WANT TO TALK ABOUT SOME PERSONAL ISSUE. Rarely is there anything to be gained by trying to make a teen talk. You are better off to say, “Let me know if you want to talk about it.”

BECOME

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more like Christ

JUNE 2013 31

ARE YOU THERE, GOD?

IT’S ME, _____.

32 PARENTING TEENS

Speaking to God can feel like talking into an open mic and waiting for a response that never comes. Does God still speak to us? And why do only some believers seem to hear Him?

By Jen Hatmaker MY ADOPTED ETHIOPIAN DAUGHTER, Remy, 7, loves “Jessie” on the Disney Channel, but she cannot for the love of everything good and pure figure out real versus pretend when it comes to shows and movies. One recent conversation went like this (and I’ve endured enough of this exact discussion to qualify me for sainthood): “Jessie is real life?”

“Ugh.” “She is fake?” “ She is a character. The girl who plays her is real.”

“She is not dead?”

“No.” “ B ut I love her! Why she not alive??” “ She is. But Jessie is just made up. That girl is pretending.”

“SHE KILLED JESSIE???”

“Oh my gosh.”

“Oh! She is a drawn cartoon?”

“No, she is human.”

“In heaven?” “ Okay. Yes. Fine. Jessie is a live human in heaven.”

We have a clear communication problem, partly because she is a 7-year-old interrogator, and partly

because we grew up speaking different languages. Finding ways to hear and understand each other is something we work at every single day.

Believers often have similar problems hearing God, whether correctly, clearly, or at all. Does He still speak, and if so, is that voice for everyone? And if it is, why do only some believers seem to hear it?

His voice seemed clear in Scripture.

Did the ancients draw His voice more than us? Perhaps they were extremely exceptional or had special capabilities. Let’s take a snapshot of the type of folks God talked to: • Samuel: a prepubescent boy • G ideon: the terrified baby of his mediocre family • Abigail: housewife of a loser • Hosea: victim of adultery • Amos: a sheep-herding fig picker • Peter, Andrew, James, and John: fishermen • Matthew: a Jewish tax-collector for the Romans • Ten lepers: well, 10 lepers.

Now did these folks make an impact for the kingdom? Sure they did.

But as Dallas Willard points out in his book Hearing God, “Aside from their obviously unique historical role, however, they are not meant to be exceptional at all. Rather they are examples of the normal human life God intended for us: God’s indwelling His people through personal presence and fellowship.”

I’m not the highest heel in the closet, but when God said, “Anyone who has an ear should listen to what the Spirit says to the churches” (Rev. 2:7), it seems anyone who has ears is fair game.

Go on. Reach up there. Do you have one? Two, even? Guess what— you’re in the mix.

If I’ve heard any one struggle with hearing God’s voice, it’s this: How do I know it’s God? How do I know it’s not me? Or worse yet, the enemy? Sometimes it all sounds the same, and discerning God’s voice from its rivals can be daunting at best and disastrous at worst.

Let’s work through some strong indicators of God’s voice, and learn to recognize them and notice when they’re absent.

JESUS’ WORDS WERE FEW, POWERFUL, CERTAIN. HE MOVED UNMOVABLE PEOPLE, COMMANDED THE VERY WAVES AND FORCES OF NATURE. JUNE 2013 33

Let’s first consider the quality of God’s voice, His general manner of speaking. With humans, this marks the force of a voice: high, low, loud, soft, strong, subtle. It affects the way a voice is received. We need only to look at Jesus and how he affected people when He spoke. He never pleaded or pandered; there was never a sense of hesitancy.

Jesus’ words were few, powerful, certain. He moved unmovable people, commanded the very waves and forces of nature. Even the demons obeyed, for they simply couldn’t help it.

We can distinguish the quality of God’s voice by the weight of authority with which it hits our souls. We are immediately impressed with the certainty of what He has said. Even against our nature, we are compelled to follow, bend, release, obey. When God speaks, it rings strong, and we sense inwardly its power. Our hearts and minds respond: Yes. E. Stanley Jones once said, “Perhaps the rough distinction is this: The voice of the subconscious argues with you, tries to convince you; but the inner voice of God does not argue, does not try to convince you. It just speaks, and it is self-authenticating. It has the feel of the voice of God within it.”

Beyond the strong quality of God’s voice, it also bears a certain spirit. It’s the spirit of a heavenly Parent who adores His children: loving, patient, jealous for our safety, protective, reasonable, so compassionate it almost hurts.

We’ve distorted His voice and often expect disappointment—if He speaks to us at all. Please hear this: “Therefore, no condemnation now

34 PARENTING TEENS

WHILE WE MIGHT NOT INITIALLY RECOGNIZE HIS VOICE BASED SOLELY ON WHAT HE SAYS, THIS MUCH WE KNOW: GOD’S DIRECTIONS WILL NEVER CONTRADICT THE BIBLE. HE WON’T LEAD US IN A WAY THAT HARMS HIS KINGDOM OR DESTROYS OTHERS. GOD DOESN’T SPEAK CONTRARY TO HIS NATURE. exists for those in Christ Jesus” (Rom. 8:1). If you are hearing shame and guilt, that is certainly not the voice of God. He is incapable of speaking to us like that.

The spirit of His voice strains toward our spiritual health, whatever that looks like in the moment. It gently mends what’s broken. It directs us back from our dangerous wanderings. It builds up, heals. As Jesus modeled, it’s not permissive, as He loves us too much to leave us in our sin. Yet there is no condemnation. It remains intact in the midst of discipline.

Finally, God’s voice is distinguished by the content of His words. While we might not initially recognize His voice based solely on what He says, this much we know: God’s directions will never contradict the Bible. He won’t lead us in a way that harms His kingdom or destroys others. God doesn’t speak contrary to His nature.

God won’t ask you to hate, lie, cheat, or judge. He won’t have you hurt His people. God wouldn’t tell you to act in retaliation. He doesn’t tempt you. And God surely won’t justify those if they happened to you. Don’t believe “God told me to” on any of those assaults to His character.

Over time, we develop an ear for God’s voice, realizing that it is often gentle but not silent, firm but not hysterical. He need not resort to theatrics to speak to us. When we

get still, quiet, small, God’s words break through, leading us into the kingdom and changing our lives.

“God thunders marvelously with His voice; He does great things that we cannot comprehend” (Job 37:5).

Thunder on, God. We’re listening.

Quote taken from Hearing God by Dallas Willard. Copyright(c)1984, 1993, 1999, 2012 by Dallas Willard. Used by permission of InterVarsity Press, PO Box 1400, Downers Grove, IL 60515. www.ivpress.com.

JEN HATMAKER and her husband, Brandon, live in Austin, Texas where they lead Austin New Church.

Jen speaks at events all around the country and is the author of nine books and Bible studies, including Interrupted and 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess. Jen and Brandon have five children: Gavin, Sydney, and Caleb, and they’ve recently added Ben and Remy, from Ethiopia. Drop her a line or check out her ministry and blog at jenhatmaker.com.

On Your Knees

Use David’s Prayer as a Model

To Identify as a Child of God • Christ gives life (Col. 2:13) • Christ pardons (Micah 7:18) • Christ loves (John 8:1-11) To Confess and Repent from Sin • Confession brings cleanliness (1 John 1:19) • Confession brings forgiveness (Prov. 28:13)

36 PARENTING TEENS

• Repentance brings refreshment (Acts 3:19) • Repentance brings healing (2 Chron. 7:14) To Speak Truthfully to Others • Tell what is right (Prov. 12:17-19) • Speak truth and peace (Zech. 8:16) • Settle arguments quickly (Eph. 4:25) Identifying as a child of God involves realizing who one is in Christ. Praying for your teen in this way involves desiring for your child to understand his value to the Father. When this happens, a whole world of further realizations can open up, enabling true change in attitude and behavior.

Confession of sin and repentance from that sin bring a new feeling of having been washed and relieved from burden. As you pray for your teen, ask God to bring relief from the hidden guilt that your teen carries every day. As the Holy Spirit brings conviction to him, encourage him to talk to God, agreeing with Him concerning matters of sin, and to turn from those things.

Speaking truthfully to others not only brings restoration in relationships, it prevents sin and guilt from piling up, burdening your teen once again.

Pray for your teen, your home, and yourself in these areas. Seek God’s leadership in how to make changes that will move you closer to His likeness. Remember that He loves you and, just as David prayed for Solomon, desires the best for you.

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Spending time with your teen is a great way to begin communicating, but how can you pray for God to change a home in communication crisis? Some teens have traveled down the road of silence so far that dinner, family nights, and extended periods of time together may not be enough, and may even sound trivial. Even if these things are effective, without prayer they are incomplete.

How do you pray for your teenager? I cannot think of a better prayer than that which King David prayed for his son, Solomon: “Give my son Solomon a whole heart to keep and to carry all Your commands, Your decrees, and Your statutes…”

(1 Chron. 29:19). There are, however, some specific ways you can pray in regard to communication.

Pray for your teen to identify as a child of God, to confess and repent from sin, and to speak truthfully to others. Be sure to examine each Scripture as you pray, along with the prayer of David for Solomon. As a parent, ask God to help you learn how to aid your teen in these things, as well.

BECOME

Conversations

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MAKE COMMUNICATION INTENTIONAL The week was taxing. Between work, school, social obligations, extracurricular activities, and church, the family seemed hardly available for one another.

Life was just too fast, so the family scheduled a “family night.” When the time finally arrived, Mom stayed on the laptop with her phone by her side, the two teenagers texted and surfed social media, and Dad flipped channels.

To make up for it, they scheduled a vacation. The kids hit the beach while Mom sunbathed and Dad read a book.

They got together for meals, but headphones and iPods ruled the day.

Does this sound like your family? Are you so busy that you never stop to talk? When you do stop running, do you actually communicate? Unfortunately, many families find it difficult to keep the lines of communication open. Thankfully, there are some practical things you can do to keep healthy communication going in your family.

When life keeps you busy, take time to dine together.

Dining is different than scarfing down a quick bite and running out the door. Spending time together over meals, with the television off, generates opportunity to ask about the day’s events. Pausing as often as possible to eat together gives you the chance to really ask questions and share stories. Avoid questions about sensitive subjects such as grades or troubled relationships. Try asking about his favorite hobby, how his best friend is doing, or how he is enjoying whatever extracurricular activity in which he may be involved.

As weeks and months fly, schedule (real) family nights regularly. Ask your teen to help choose a movie for your family to stream or rent. Escape the stress by laughing together by playing video games or even breaking out some old board games.

When you have the ability to squeeze it in, spend time away together, even if it is just a day trip … and turn the electronics off. Choose a place your teen enjoys. Make time to make memories, stopping along the way, finding an old diner or other unique place to eat, and discover what hanging out is like with this young adult.

Communication takes work. As a parent, this work is up to you. Many parents complain about their teen’s unwillingness to communicate, only to discover that the hectic pace of overextended lifestyles is a main contributor to the problem. Sometimes it is good for a parent to examine his or her own attitudes, schedule, and interests. It is also good to apologize for not taking time to listen and spend time with the ones he or she loves.

Our teens are learning from us. They need to see us modeling healthy time management and efforts to lovingly communicate. What are your teens learning from you?

KEVIN GARRETT has served in music ministry, collegiate ministry, and student ministry. He currently serves as associate pastor for education and outreach at Parker Memorial Baptist Church in Anniston, Ala.

JUNE 2013 37

Personal Space

38 PARENTING TEENS

creating that elaborate visualization of compartmentalizing my feelings, I would only concentrate on the facts of the situation and try to convince myself that my feelings were unfounded.

Even more concerning, I had convinced myself that not even God was interested in the collection of shelved emotions I had accumulated over the years. In Jeremiah 17:9, the prophet declares, “The heart is more deceitful than anything else, and incurable—who can understand it?” If that’s true—if the heart is deceitful than anything else—it definitely seemed that the safest place for all of my heart’s feelings was to be shelved in the dark recess of my mind. They must be boxed away so that no one would be bothered by them, especially God. Perhaps you, too, are wired that way. You’ve bought the lie that

our feelings are pointless and God doesn’t care about them. Or perhaps you’re afraid that communicating negative emotions will come across as complaining. You don’t want to share any other emotion with God except gratitude, trust, love, or joy. You think by communicating to God what upsets or hurts you, you will only come across as ungrateful and untrusting.

Somewhere along the way, I believed the lie that it’s immature or sinful to have negative feelings.

I was afraid if I communicated hurt or frustration in my prayers, I would somehow diminish God’s power or disprove my trust in Him. Instead of praying honestly to my Savior, I learned to ignore the feelings, rehearse my trust in God, and focus on reminding myself of God’s faithfulness and trustworthiness. ©©Getty

You just discovered your daughter has been lying to you about her weekend plans. You’ve learned your spouse has cancer. Your son was cut from the basketball team. You’ve miscarried, again.

What do you do with your fears, anxieties, and pain? Do you share them with a friend? Stuff them inside? Write them down in your journal, never to be shared with another eye?

I used to think that emotions were worthless. Since feelings don’t actually affect the facts of a situation, I didn’t see the point in paying attention to them. If I was angry, hurt, or worried by something, I would create this ridiculous visualization of boxing up my feelings and placing them on a tall shelf. I’d imagine the box was so far up, I couldn’t see it from below. Just how I like it. Out of sight, out of mind. After

BECOME

‘DO NOT IGNORE MY PLEA’

Ever feel like you can’t be honest with God in prayer? Scripture has a lot to say about how we are to talk to God, but one thing is clear: When it comes to honest prayer, He can handle it.

By Hanna Easley

While rehearsing our trust in God and reminding ourselves of His faithfulness are both great practices, ignoring your feelings and not sharing those feelings with God is not. And it is certainly not what the shepherd-boyturned-king, David, modeled for us.

In Psalm 142:2-3, David proclaims, “I pour out my complaint before him; I reveal my trouble to Him. Although my spirit is weak within me, You know my way.”

Over and over, throughout the Psalms, we find David’s prayers saturated with emotions. David poured out his feelings of joy, gratitude, and love, but he also communicated fear (Psalm 22), feelings of doubt (Psalm 13), distrust in God’s plan (Psalm 10), and being completely overwhelmed (Psalm 6). Those passages are just the tip of the iceberg!

I don’t know about you, but that gives me great relief. The man “after God’s own heart” expressed hurt, frustration, even distrust to God in his own prayers. Just take a quick look at how David spoke to God in Psalm 55: “God, listen to my prayer and do not ignore my plea for help. Pay attention to me and answer me. I am restless and in turmoil with my complaint, because of the enemy’s voice, because of the pressure of the wicked. For they bring down disaster on me and harass me in anger.” —Psalm 55:1-3 “But I call to God, and the LORD will save me. I complain and groan morning, noon, and night, and He hears my voice. Though many are against me, He will redeem me from my battle unharmed. God, the One enthroned

from long ago, will hear and will humiliate them because they do not change and do not fear God.” —Psalm 55:16-19 David has just experienced betrayal by his most trusted and closest friend. He begs for God to listen and answer him.

He is restless in complaint. His heart is in anguish within him. He fears and trembles and horror has overwhelmed him. David is completely broken and consumed with grief, and he pours out all of those emotions to God. And how did God respond? By listening to David, by loving him, by continuing to protect him and provide for him. God can handle our hurt, our pain, our disappointment, even our anger and complaints. He already knows every pain and frustrated thought we are thinking. In Psalm

JUNE 2013 39

Personal Space 56:8, David says, “Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your records?”

God knew every tear David cried and was intimately concerned.

I think that sharing our feelings of anger, doubt, or worry with our Creator is one of the most important things we can do. We must come to Him with open hearts and minds, willing to communicate honestly our thoughts and feelings to Him. If we look at David’s example in Psalm 55, we see David do four things: He begins by asking God to hear him, he confesses his hurt and grief, he asks for God to act, and he rehearses his trust in God. Toward the end of the Psalm, we see David transition from confessing his hurt to rehearsing his

trust in God as he declares, “But I call to God, and the LORD will save me.

I complain and groan morning, noon, and night, and He hears my voice.

Though many are against me, He will redeem me from my battle unharmed” (55:16-18). Then again, “Cast your burden on the LORD, and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken…But I will trust in You” (55:22, 23b).

Just as David reminded himself, He is calling you to join Him. Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you. Communicating your fears, hurts, and disappointments allows you to validate your emotions and look to the Lord for comfort.

Beth Moore said it well in David: Seeking A Heart Like His: “Our feelings

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I so often doubted the truth of my feelings; I considered it a waste to pour them before God’s feet. But as David models for us, the only way we can find true help is by bringing all our hurt and pain to the foot of the cross.

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IN IT TOGETHER A parents of teens Bible study.

42 PARENTING TEENS

Included in these Teaching Plans is a Devotional MAP (Meditation, Application, and Prayer) supplement for each teaching point. Use the Scripture from each teaching point with each corresponding MAP suggestion to build your own five-day devotional plan. Meditate on the words of Scripture, Apply them to your daily life, and Pray for yourself and your family as you continue in your daily walk with Christ.

DAVID CRIM and his wife, Cindy, are the mission coordinators of the Two-Thirds World Network. They live in Manila, Philippines, where he also serves as Senior Teaching Pastor at the International Baptist Church of Manila.

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God’s Word is filled with stories on how He speaks to His followers. But how do we know He’s speaking to us? The Bible gives us several characteristics of divine conversations. This month’s teaching plans will explore five behaviors these conversations require: 1. Abide (John 15:1-11): Divine conversations are rooted in the intimacy of a loving relationship.

2. Listen (Matthew 17:1-5; Hebrews 1:1): Divine conversations entail active listening to the Son of God. 3. See (2 Kings 6:8-17): Divine conversations require us to see with our faith, not just our eyes.

4. Discern (1 Kings 19:1-18): Divine conversations are filtered through a variety of voices that market our attention.

5. Obey (Matthew 8:1-13): Divine conversations empower us to obey the Word of God.

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Abide

John 15:1-11 Getting Started: Write actions or attitudes on small slips of paper. Place the slips of paper in a hat or a box and call on volunteers to reach into the box and choose one.

Instruct them to communicate the action or attitude only using body language.

Read together John 15:1-11. Use these discussion questions to look deeper at how Jesus illustrates we are to abide in relationship with God.

1.

2.

3.

What does this conversation teach us about the relationship between a vine-keeper and the vines? the vine-keeper and the branches?

• Note that we can discover much about our relationship with God by observing the relationship between Jesus and God the Father.

• Emphasize the pruning work of God in our lives.

What is the relationship between the vine and the branches?

• Emphasize that the vine supplies life for the branches.

• Note that the branch has no life of its own apart from the vine.

Find the verses in which there are allusions to language. What are the messages given in these verses? What does this reveal about the purpose of language in one’s relationship with Jesus?

• Point out verses 3, 6-7, and 11.

• Discuss how conversations with Jesus purify us, deepen our intimacy with Jesus, empower our prayer life, and produce joy in our relationship with Him.

4.

5.

What word did Jesus use to explain our relationship with Him? • Explain that the word abide means “to dwell or remain.”

The image of the word is making a dwelling place.

• Emphasize the permanent relationship believers have with Jesus.

• Note that God intends for us to have a lifetime of divine conversations with Jesus as we abide in Him.

What is the impact of abiding conversations with Jesus?

• Highlight love, obedience, and fruit-bearing as an impact from our daily conversations with Jesus.

THE POINT

MAP: Meditate on the action of pruning in these verses. What wild branches need to be pruned from your life?

MAP: Pray, thanking Jesus for giving and sustaining your life.

Commit to abiding in Him in regular and deep conversations so that you can receive all you need to live for Him.

MAP: Apply this to your life: Are you familiar enough with God’s voice and words to easily identify them?

By faith, a believer enjoys an intimate relationship with God. This intimate relationship forms the context of our conversations with God.

PERSONAL APPLICATION I will abide in Christ and practice daily conversations with Him so that my intimacy with Him is deepened and I can bear fruit for His glory.

FAMILY APPLICATION MAP: Meditate on the word “abide.” Why is it difficult to abide long in a relationship? How can developing abiding conversations with Jesus help you stay connected and committed to Him?

We will make conversations with and about God a natural and regular function of our family life together.

MAP: Pray, and ask Jesus to bear His fruit through your life as you deepen your relationship with Him and enjoy divine conversations with Him.

JUNE 2013 43

Listen

Hebrews 1:1-2; Matthew 17:1-5 Getting Started: Prior to the lesson, search the Internet for sounds of nature (birds singing, thunder, rain, wind, animal sounds, etc.) Start the lesson by playing the sounds and calling on volunteers to identify each sound and what emotions they associate with them. Explain that in today’s Bible study, we will explore the second behavior of divine conversations: active listening.

Read together Hebrews 1:1-2. Use these discussion questions to look deeper at how we listen to God.

1.

Who were some of the prophets through whom God spoke? What were some ways God spoke through the prophets? What was the purpose of God’s speaking through the prophets?

• Suggest Elijah, Isaiah, Jeremiah, and others, through whom God spoke to Israel to correct their behavior, give them direction, teach them to obey, and to reveal His nature and His will.

2.

What authorizes Jesus as the one through whom God now speaks? How did and does God still speak through Jesus?

• Emphasize that God appointed Jesus.

• Point out that the phrase “made the universe through Him” infers the Divinity of Jesus.

• Cross-reference Colossians 1:15-20.

• Emphasize the cross as the most significant word spoken through Jesus.

THE POINT MAP: Apply this by making a list of some of the ways that God has spoken to you in the past.

MAP: Pray, thanking God for speaking to you through Jesus.

Ask the Holy Spirit to give you the ability to listen to His voice.

Read together Matthew 17:1-5.

3.

What has God spoken to you lately, through Scripture or in prayer, that has transformed your understanding of Jesus or your relationship with Him? • Cross-reference Hebrews 1:3-4.

4.

Why were the disciples told to listen to Jesus? How do we listen to Jesus? What is the significance of listening to Him? What is the motivation for listening to Him? • Emphasize studying God’s Word and prayer as the two primary ways to listen to Jesus.

• Suggest that class members and their students begin a comprehensive study of the Gospels to hear what Jesus has to say.

• Highlight that love and obedience are the major motivating factors for listening to Jesus.

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MAP: Meditate on the word “transform.” What words, circumstances, or events is God using to reshape your life—your thoughts, your attitudes, your behaviors, your priorities?

MAP: Meditate on the phrase “I take delight in Him.” These words were spoken by God the Father about Jesus. How will your ability to listen to God improve as you take delight in Jesus?

Active listening is a necessary ingredient to any real relationship, and listening to Jesus—His Word and His life—is crucial to our relationship with God.

PERSONAL APPLICATION I will develop the art of listening in my relationship with God, with Jesus being the primary speaker into my life.

FAMILY APPLICATION We will teach our children how to maintain a daily time alone with God and set an example for them to follow.

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See

2 Kings 8:8-17 Getting Started: Write the phrase “against all odds” on the board. Invite members to share experiences when something they were working on seemed impossible. After a few have shared, explain that in today’s study, we will read a story about a prophet who found himself in an impossible situation. We will learn that when we engage in regular divine conversations with God, we can see things in a different light.

Read together 2 Kings 6:8-12. Use these discussion questions to look at how faith enables us to see.

1.

How did Elisha know where the king of Aram would attack? What description of Elisha in verse 10 might give us a clue? (“man of God.”) • Note that in the beginning of the story the writer did not inform us how Elisha knew the Aramites’ battle plan; only that he did know, which thwarted the plans every time.

• Note God’s sovereign protection over His people, Israel.

• Emphasize the since Elisha was a man of God, particularly sent to be a prophet to Israel, He was well-equipped to hear from God. Lead the class to discuss spiritual disciplines that equip people today to hear from God.

2.

What did the king of Aram assume in verse 11? Would there be any reason for him to assume otherwise?

• Emphasize that the king was making a logical conclusion based on the evidence he knew. He was earthly-focused.

Read together 2 Kings 6:13-17.

3.

How did Elijah’s servant respond to the presence of the enemy? How was he viewing things through earthly eyes?

• When have you felt attacked by a spiritual enemy? Did you view the attack through earthly eyes or through faith?

4.

What was Elisha’s first response when he discovered that he was completely surrounded by a vast enemy? What did Elisha’s prayer of faith reveal?

• Highlight Elisha’s prayer that God would open the eyes of his servant to see spiritual realities.

• Emphasize that engaging in intimate conversations with God equips us to see things that we can never see with our own eyes. Lead the class to imagine how this type of powerful conversations with God could radically alter their perspective on life and behavior in life.

THE POINT

MAP: Meditate on the phrase “man of God.” Be assured that this term can refer to any person who is obedient to God and in an intimate relationship with God. What would you like to experience as a person of God? What does it mean to be a person of God? Is there anything in your life that is holding you back from being a person of God?

MAP: Think about some recent events or experiences in your life that were difficult to analyze. To what logical conclusions did you come? Could there be another, more spiritual, explanation? Pray, asking God to help you see more than what is earthly apparent.

MAP: Meditate on the word “enemy.” Write the thoughts that come to mind on a sheet of paper.

What is the worst that any enemy can do? What are the possibilities that God can do?

Divine conversations liberate us to see with our faith, not just our eyes.

PERSONAL APPLICATION I believe that the same God who spoke to Elisha and opened his servant’s eyes speaks to me and can open my eyes to see spiritual realities I can never see. I will ask God to open my eyes.

FAMILY APPLICATION We will teach our children to walk by faith, to have open hearts to hear God, and to see things from His perspective

MAP: Pray for God to open your eyes so that you can really see.

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Discern

1 Kings 19:1-18 Getting Started: Prior to the lesson, translate the simple instruction “Sit in this chair” in several languages online and print them on slips of paper. Have a volunteer stand in front while the class shouts the instructions at him to follow. After a minute or two, thank the volunteer. Ask: What was so difficult about understanding a simple command to sit in a chair? Explain that today we will discover the important discipline of filtering the voices we hear so that we can clearly hear God speak.

Read 1 Kings 19:1-7 as background, noting the circumstances in which the prophet Elijah found himself.

THE POINT

Read together 1 Kings 19:8-18.

1.

2.

How did God communicate with Elijah for the 40 days he was in the wilderness?

• Discuss the angel of The Lord ministering to him, feeding him, and sustaining his strength for 40 days near Mount Sinai.

• Note that Mount Sinai was a place where God often met with the leaders of His people.

Based on Elijah’s response to the Lord’s question in verse 9, to what voices was Elijah listening?

• Point out that Elijah was listening to his enemies (the voice in his head speaking fear and doubt, etc.)

• Discuss together how anxiety and fear can distract us from hearing God’s voice.

3.

What do we expect to hear when we consider God speaking to us? What “voices” approached Elijah in verses 11-13? What does Elijah’s experience teach us about listening for God’s voice?

• Recall the exercise at the beginning of the lesson. Talk about the variety of voices that market our attention every day (media, billboards, pop psychology, everyday conversations that speak untruth and ungodliness, etc.)

• Discuss the significance of God’s voice coming to Elijah as a gentle whisper. What was God saying to Elijah (and us) in the gentle whisper of His voice?

4.

Why was it important for Elijah to hear God’s voice?

• Point out that God had a task for Elijah.

• Emphasize that studying God’s Word and prayer are the two primary ways we enter into Divine conversations with God. It’s through those conversations that we understand God’s plan.

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In order to experience divine conversations, we must learn the spiritual discipline of filtering voices that are not godly.

MAP: The Lord told Elijah that the journey was beyond his strength. Apply this message to your life: What has God called you to do that is beyond your strength? How can regular Divine conversations feed your strength for God’s task?

PERSONAL APPLICATION

MAP: Pray, thanking God for speaking to you through Jesus.

Ask the Holy Spirit to give you the ability to listen to His voice.

I will guard my ears, heart, and mind so that I can discern the voice of God and experience Divine conversation.

FAMILY APPLICATION MAP: Meditate on the word “whisper.” Think about recent circumstances or events in your life. Could they possibly be God’s “whisper” to make you attentive to His voice?

MAP: Pray that God will prepare you to hear His next task for your life. Ask Him to give you the spiritual discipline to filter all the voices but His, noting that God can speak through people as well as through the Word and prayer. Apply by reading John 10 this week.

We will teach our children how to discern God’s voice by leading and encouraging them to daily walk with Him.

BECOME

Obey

Matthew 8:5-13 Getting Started: Find a video of a drill team marching in order. Play the video, then lead the class to discuss how the team obeyed the marching orders of the drill sergeant. Explain that in today’s lesson, we will learn from a conversation between Jesus and a Roman officer the power of words and the need to obey.

Read together Matthew 8:5-13. Use these discussion questions to look at how divine conversations compel us to obey.

1.

2.

What does this conversation with Jesus reveal about the officer’s character?

• Note the officer’s compassion for a servant, his humility before Jesus, and his integrity.

• Discuss what part our character plays in our divine conversations with God.

What significance did the officer place on commanding words? What does this reveal about his perception of Jesus? How does the authority of words relate to our relationship with Jesus?

• Point out the officer’s experience of obedience to commands, both his obedience to the commands of superiors and the obedience of subordinates to his commands.

• Discus the power of words and relate this to the words that are spoken in divine conversations.

3.

What was the source of Jesus’ amazement (v. 10)? What does this teach us about the correlation between faith, words, and obedience? How will this impact our divine conversations with Jesus?

• Invite the class to search the Gospels for other examples of Jesus’ amazement. Note that in most cases, Jesus was either amazed at a lack of faith or the faith of one who seemed the most unlikely to exhibit. Probe them regarding the Roman officer as an unlikely person of faith.

• Highlight the reality that faith is expressed in submission to the authority of words from our Superior.

4.

What point was Jesus making in verses 11-12?

• Point out that these verses reveal to us that those in relationship with Jesus are those who have faith and believe.

MAP: Meditate on the compassionate posture of the officer regarding the needs of his servant. How is this kind of pleading to God for the needs of others a part of your divine conversations with Him?

MAP: Apply this to your life: What is your response to authority in your life? Is there a correlation between your response to human authority and your response to God’s authority? What would you expect God to say to you, knowing your reluctance to submit to His authority?

MAP: Pray, confessing your need for faith. Confess any reluctance to submit to God’s authority in your life.

MAP: Meditate on the gnashing of teeth in verse 12. The phrase expresses intense pain, remorse, and regret. Though our salvation is secure, believers can experience “gnashing of teeth” when they miss opportunities to submit to God’s authority and power and experience His work.

THE POINT Faith implies obedience, and divine conversations with God empower and equip us to obey Him.

PERSONAL APPLICATION I will enter into divine conversations with God with a humble heart, ready to believe in His power and obey His authority.

FAMILY APPLICATION We will prepare our children to submit to God’s authority in their lives by being consistent parents, correcting bad behavior, commanding their obedience, and loving them passionately.

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THE

Last Word

48 PARENTING TEENS

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For the word of God is living and effective and sharper than any double-edged sword, penetrating as far as the separation of soul and spirit, joints and marrow. It is able to judge the ideas and thoughts of the heart. —Hebrews 4:12