3 minute read
Advice Column by Madeline Perez
Advice Column
By Madeline Perez
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Ioffered to give you all life advice. These were your questions.
“Hi, can you give me a few hobbies to occupy my time with? Preferably something affordable.”
What you’re going to want to do first is invest in some sidewalk chalk. I’ve spent hours upon hours in the hot summer sun laboring away, creating one masterpiece after another. I’ve felt love, frustration, and pain unimaginable. It showed me who I was and who I could never be. I also generally find discussing which 14-year-old girl from the hit anime Neon Genesis Evangelion I’m most attracted to tends to… wait, no don’t go... I don’t wanna be lonely again... :(
“Why is my peepee hard?”
Boobs, Ass even. Personality, if you will.
“I have been keeping mice in my campus dorm, but recently two of them escaped and have been excreting all over the floor and have been chewing wires and wood. I have been unable to track them, but I also refuse to acknowledge that they belong to me for fear of being evicted or fined. Am I a jerk for not owning up to my responsibility?”
No, you’re not a jerk. Actually, I have something to own up to. I was on one of my late-night mouse-killing expeditions when I found virgin, untouched wood and wires. I couldn’t help myself and decided to give them a little nibble. I may have gotten slightly carried away, and the next thing you know I felt that familiar rumble in my tummy. I’m sorry. I had to poop on the floor. I am living in your walls.
“Should I smoke up rn”
Absolutely, a good barbeque makes any day better.
“Is it normal to hate your dad sometimes?” “If I am a bunny woman. Will Matt Gagliano shoot me on sight?”
IDK ask Matt.
“Yes”- Matt Gagliano
“How to be less of a people-pleaser?”
That’s an easy one! You can do what I do and become a people-painer. Hurt them physically, unless they’re into that. Then you get the spray bottle. After, you can hurt them psychologically. Tell them you only listen to Weezer.
“How do I make my life more interesting at the moment?”
Go out, meet people, get to know those people, have interesting conversations, fall in love, get married, and die happy. Or, maybe just try Crack. I hear that can get some instant interesting results.
“My mom says I’m hansome but grills dont liek me. what? Respectfully, Havrey Stinger”
First, I must apologize. I promised to always publish questions anonymously, but Havrey, I feel others could benefit from knowing your predicament. When you meet a woman, extend your hand like a human would, just like we practiced. Then, try to engage in real human speech. Try not to mention the children you keep in your cellar for at least the first five minutes. If she doesn’t respond to your advances, don’t worry. She isn’t worth your time, king.
“Tips for when you might have a stalker?”
First off, you’re going to want to invest in some sort of defense, something like pepper spray, a pocketknife, or a spray bottle. Now that you are armed, reverse the situation and stalk them. Gather information about them. Find out the secrets they only reveal to themselves in the dark. Then bring them out into the light. Ruin them. Also, stalker? I barely know her.
“How do I get the cute managing editor to notice me??”
