Advice Column by Madeline Perez

Advice Column

By Madeline Perez

As you may know from the last issue, I offered to give you all life advice. These were your questions.

Is there a secret relationship between Baxter and Harvey?

Very interesting inquiry. I assume you mean romantically, and in that case, I must sadly say no. However, it is true that a secret relationship between Baxter and Harvey exists. You see, Baxter is actually an extension of Harvey. Harvey wished to be a perfect being, so he broke off a rib and channeled all of his negative, animalistic, feral energy into it. That rib grew sentience and turned into a furry. Sadly, the experiment went haywire and Baxter was too strong to be contained in the University Undergrounds; he broke out and has been mauling female students ever since.

Is there a Santa Claus?

Yes, I’ve been hunting him for years. Next question.

Is a little kissing between friends acceptable? Would you be interested in a little kissing between friends?

Put simply, yes. A little kissing between friends has always been acceptable. Kissing is the best way to show mutual, platonic friendship. In fact, kissing the homies goodnight (on the mouth) is a crucial nighttime ritual. Now, would I be interested in a little kissing between friends? That depends. Did you brush your teeth first?

How do I cockblock my roommate so that I have a place to sleep at night?

Well, you have a couple of choices here. You could decorate your shared space with Funko pops. Nothing repels possible sexual partners as quickly and efficiently, but that could get pricey quite fast. Another free, easy option would be spreading news that your roommate writes for Binghamton Review. This will guarantee your roommate will never have sex. Lastly, you could sleep with your roommate. That way you can simultaneously stay in your room and create something beautiful.

What do I say to my mom, who left my dad for another man, when she asks me to come to her rapidly approaching wedding?

Nothing. Just keep it inside and let it fuel your late-night scientific research. Find the secret to human transmutation. Perform illegal alchemy. Create a new mother. Surely, nothing bad will come of this.

How do I get laid?

Have you seen our Sex Survey? You’re asking the wrong people, champ.

How is one to break out of the cyclical nature of one’s own self-destructive behaviors?

I’ve asked myself this question many times myself, but I’m glad to say I finally have the answer. Stick with me here. You’re going to want to invest in a spray bottle. Fill that bottle with the liquid you hate most; piss is a great option. Now, every time you feel yourself slipping into self-destructive behaviors, just locate your spray bottle and squirt yourself directly in the face. It’s ok if it gets in your mouth; it encourages stopping the behavior. This is something I invented I’d like to call “instrumental conditioning”

How do I get my roommate to stop trying to cockblock me?

Have an honest, sincere discussion with him. Talk about how his actions have been affecting your life and try to reach a fair compromise. Or you could fuck your roommate. I’m sure if you show them how it feels and they’ll want to share it with everyone.

How do I become a happier person? Step 1. Get as far away from Binghamton as you possibly can. Step 2. Help us escape. Step 3 Never return.

I’m struggling to come up with questions for my advice column. What should I do?

Hmmm. Wish I could help, but you’ve actually stuped me here. Sorry, I guess there are some questions I can’t answer.

You’re my very favorite college publication! How do I submit my articles to Binghamton Review?

Great question! You can email your articles directly to Editor@ binghamtonreview.com. I’d love to read them. I love you.

Higher Education or Indoctrination?

By Jack Kralik

This year, Binghamton distributed the book Conditional Citizens by Laila Lalami to the incoming freshman class. This is not a book review, but an objective examination of Binghamton choosing to deliver this book to students with its clear political bias. What does this say about the objective nature of the University? And further, what does this say about the nature of our time and education here at Binghamton?

It is necessary to consider the difference between education and indoctrination. It posits for us a difficult, and in many ways entirely subjective, determination. We must, as a basic function, discern what knowledge is appropriate, in the given environment, to be passed down to students. Yet this rises above the simple and arbitrary task of the information’s objective validity. It is objectively true that there are 195 countries in the world, but that information would be appropriate to teach in a geography class, not an economics class. Likewise, it is objectively verifiable that there are 206 bones in the human body, but this information would be inappropriate for a writing class, and would instead find a better home in a biology class.

Things brings us to the issue of Conditional Citizens. To avoid a subjective book review I will only focus on objective observations from the text. Mainly, the last chapter, Do Not Despair of This Country, where Lalami articulates in detail her ideal for a thriving democracy. She criticizes voter ID laws, “In a thriving pluralistic democracy... voter ID laws, polling station closures, and lengthy residence requirements are eliminated.” She demands that prisoners and people with felony records have equal access to the vote declaring: “The right to vote is also perennial. The 1.5 million Americans who are currently serving prison sentences and the 6.1 million who have felony records are no less entitled to electoral representation and are no less capable of rational political choice than anyone else.” She advocates for socialist policy: “Equal citizens have social rights to education, healthcare, a living wage, safe drinking water, and clean air.” And lastly, she makes a claim about the necessity of abortion… to protect democracy: “Equal citizens have ownership of their bodies... and freedom to make medical decisions about pregnancy, abortion, and end of life care.”

“The question that needs to be asked is simple: is the subject matter appropriate to be distributed by a publicly funded university?”

For a public, taxpayer-funded, university, the question should not be whether or not the book they distribute is an enjoyable or provocative read. There are numerous books appealing to young adults that successfully touch upon difficult and topical issues. The question should not be whether or not this particular book is of an appropriate reading level for our students. Of the millions of books published, it is not difficult to find numerous at an acceptable level for incoming freshmen. The question that needs to be asked is simple: is the subject matter appropriate to be distributed by a publicly funded university? This is not the same as asking if the given information is objectively true or not, a point I hope I made clear.

So regardless of your politics, I challenge you to consider those quotes above and to ask yourself if the book is appropriate for a university to distribute. Does it promote and inspire the open exchange of ideas and challenge students to broaden their thinking? Or does it shut down discourse in favor of explicitly telling students how to vote? Whether or not you personally agree with these statements is irrelevant in determining if this level of blatant political pressure should be permitted on our campus or promoted by our university. Should a university have the right to use our tuition to indoctrinate students and compel them to see the world through a left-leaning political lens? I say no! I will unapologetically assert that it is grossly inappropriate of a university to distribute material to every incoming freshman, urging them over the course of 180 pages to vote democrat. It’s wrong this way, and it would be wrong if it was the other way around. We as students must work to ensure this action is deemed unacceptable and inappropriate by our university. Only we can achieve equality.

“Should a university have the right to use our tuition to indoctrinate students and compel them to see the world through a left-leaning political lens?”