BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
ADVICE COLUMN
Advice Column By Madeline Perez
A
s you may know from the last issue, I offered to give you all life advice. These were your questions.
Is there a secret relationship between Baxter and Harvey? Very interesting inquiry. I assume you mean romantically, and in that case, I must sadly say no. However, it is true that a secret relationship between Baxter and Harvey exists. You see, Baxter is actually an extension of Harvey. Harvey wished to be a perfect being, so he broke off a rib and channeled all of his negative, animalistic, feral energy into it. That rib grew sentience and turned into a furry. Sadly, the experiment went haywire and Baxter was too strong to be contained in the University Undergrounds; he broke out and has been mauling female students ever since. Is there a Santa Claus? Yes, I’ve been hunting him for years. Next question. Is a little kissing between friends acceptable? Would you be interested in a little kissing between friends? Put simply, yes. A little kissing between friends has always been acceptable. Kissing is the best way to show mutual, platonic friendship. In fact, kissing the homies goodnight (on the mouth) is a crucial nighttime ritual. Now, would I be interested in a little kissing between friends? That depends. Did you brush your teeth first? How do I cockblock my roommate so that I have a place to sleep at night? Well, you have a couple of choices here. You could decorate your shared space with Funko pops. Nothing repels possible sexual partners as quickly and efficiently, but that could get pricey quite fast. Another free, easy option would be spreading news that your roommate writes for Binghamton Review. This will guarantee your roommate will never have sex. Lastly, you could sleep with your roommate. That way you can simultaneously stay in your room and create something beautiful. What do I say to my mom, who left my dad for another man, when she asks me to come to her rapidly approaching wedding? Nothing. Just keep it inside and let it fuel your late-night scientific research. Find the secret to human transmutation. Perform illegal alchemy. Create a new mother. Surely, nothing bad will
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come of this. How do I get laid? Have you seen our Sex Survey? You’re asking the wrong people, champ. How is one to break out of the cyclical nature of one’s own self-destructive behaviors? I’ve asked myself this question many times myself, but I’m glad to say I finally have the answer. Stick with me here. You’re going to want to invest in a spray bottle. Fill that bottle with the liquid you hate most; piss is a great option. Now, every time you feel yourself slipping into self-destructive behaviors, just locate your spray bottle and squirt yourself directly in the face. It’s ok if it gets in your mouth; it encourages stopping the behavior. This is something I invented I’d like to call “instrumental conditioning” How do I get my roommate to stop trying to cockblock me? Have an honest, sincere discussion with him. Talk about how his actions have been affecting your life and try to reach a fair compromise. Or you could fuck your roommate. I’m sure if you show them how it feels and they’ll want to share it with everyone. How do I become a happier person? Step 1. Get as far away from Binghamton as you possibly can. Step 2. Help us escape. Step 3 Never return. I’m struggling to come up with questions for my advice column. What should I do? Hmmm. Wish I could help, but you’ve actually stuped me here. Sorry, I guess there are some questions I can’t answer. You’re my very favorite college publication! How do I submit my articles to Binghamton Review? Great question! You can email your articles directly to Editor@ binghamtonreview.com. I’d love to read them. I love you.
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