The Parenting Biz: Blended Family And Step Parenting Tips

THE PARENTING BIZ Married With Children . . .

Can’t We All Just Get Along? Feature Story By Jim Murphy

Even though every marriage brings together two different families, the mixing of families is even greater when the bride and groom have children from previous relationships. The accompanying photo, taken at Ambassador Golf Club, shows Tina and Carl Forget getting married in May 2017. They are a shining example of a local family happy to say “We do”! Together — with Tina’s two children, Lilly and Noah and Carl’s son Lawler — they are one awesome blended family. Photo courtesy of Chalet Studio Photography & Gardens. A step-family offers a new chance at love and family life, but it also brings together different types of people, both adults and children, which can potentially create problems at home. Spouses may not have an equal relationship to all the children and the parenting process might be difficult. Phrases like, “I don’t have to listen to you, you’re not my real father (mother)” may even be thrown out there!

According to Statistics Canada, more than one in four Canadians aged35to64who were in a relationship in 2017, were in their second or subsequent marriage or commonlaw relationship. These individuals had experienced family life in more than one context, with different partners and often children from more than one union.

Joe McParland, (yes our monthly Cup of Joe columnist!), is a registered marriage officiant who has performed marriage ceremonies for over 1,500 couples in his 21 year career. He co-owns the company, Creative Marriage Celebrations (refer to: CivilMarriages.ca), with Michael Cardinal.

It has been his observation that many second (or third) marriages involving first marriage children can work very effectively as the couple and children form a new blended family. It does require at times patience and understanding as the children adapt to their new reality.

A small ceremonial ritual McParland recommends in second marriage celebrations is the Blending of Sand.

In it, each child and each parent hold a small vessel of coloured sand; the vessels of sand represent their lives to this moment, individual and unique. As they then combine

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Many blended families use a unity sand ritual in the wedding ceremony to symbolize the coming together of the different family members into a new family unit. Photo shows the hands of a 39 year old local bride with two daughters and a 38 year old groom with one daughter (all children under 10) who combine their different coloured grains of sand, never to be separated again! Photo courtesy of Richard Spry Photography. their sand into a larger empty vessel, it represents all their lives joining together as one family. They blend the sand together symbolizing the uniting of the children and the bride and the groom into one.

On another note, McParland recalls one of the more memorable ceremonies he officiated where the bride and groom each had a six year old daughter from previous relationships.

“After the bride and groom exchanged rings, they then, on bended knee, placed the rings on each other’s daughter’s finger — signalling their love and acceptance,” he mentions. “The two girls then asked to use the microphone and together sang a duet about sisterhood and the enormous love they had for each other, from the Disney movie, Frozen. It was a wonderful and unforgettable moment and all of us in attendance needed a few moments to dry up our tears.”

Isn’t it wonderful when it all works out for the best? Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Throw in an ongoing pandemic forcing everyone together at home even more, well, things could become explosive.

While there is no right or wrong way to make a new relationship work — whether in a blended family for a second (or third!) marriage or a newly married couple with only one spouse having a child from a past relationship — now is as good a time as any to offer a bit of advice to strengthen your family bond and make sure it is unbreakable. Read our tips from the experts next . . .

All In The Blended Family With Shaun Ouellette

Shaun Ouellette, Owner of Sage

Therapeutic Consulting & Counselling

(located at 1983 Westminster Blvd. with in-person appointments required) brings 20 years of experience in psychotherapy/ counselling to people of all ages.

He is a graduate of the University of Windsor and holds a B.A. in Psychology, a Bachelor of Social Work and a Master of Social Work. He has also completed a number of other post-grad course work in several therapeutic modalities and is a graduate of the University of Guelph’s Intensive Sex Therapy Treatment program.

According to Ouellette, whether you are a parent, spouse or child in a blended family, there are a number of potential struggles that you may be faced with.

“The merging together of two parents and their children brings its own unique struggles as there are likely different parenting styles and/or family routines that may cause conflict,” Ouellette says. “The new stepparent may have difficulty navigating

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through issues of parenting or discipline, developing new relationships with the children and may have conflicting emotions themselves. This can also create tension in the relationship between the couple as they learn to parent together.”

In some cases, a partner may join a blended family and have no children of their own and this new role can be a stressful one to adjust to. The ex-partner can also be a source of stress or challenge for the new step-parent and there are times when the step-parent may feel threatened by involvement from the ex-partner.

“Many of the challenges associated with being a step-parent can be addressed with a little patience, love and effective communication,” comments Ouellette. “New rules/routines will need to be established and both parents will need to be on the same page in establishing new rules, consequences and following through consistently. There will likely need to be some discussion on family customs, holidays, etcetera and both parents will need to actively communicate and adjust structure as needed.”

Step-parents need to manage their own emotions and fears and acknowledge that love and trust must be earned. It’s important to know there may be resistance from them as they adjust to their new living situation.

“Depending on the age of the children involved, there can be different challenges based on the age group we are looking at,” Ouellette mentions. “There may be contentious access/visitation with the expartner and the children. Younger children may have an easier time adjusting than older kids, and depending on age and stage of development between the children, there may be sibling rivalry, competition for dominance and even bullying between step-children.”

Change can cause a great deal of stress in children and joining a blended family can mean a big change in a child’s life. These children have already been through the stress of their parents’ separating/divorcing and now they must adjust to a new parent and new rules or expectations. Some children will struggle with anger/resentment toward a step-parent and resist that step-parent “replacing” their other parent.

Other children may treat the new stepparent more like a friend, rather than an authority figure. Also, there may be some reluctance shown by the child to begin to trust the step-parent and some will often have anxiety, and worry about betraying their biological parent if they do care about or trust the new step-parent.

“In dealing with these types of challenges the children will need the support and appropriate modelling from both parents,” Ouellette tells Biz X. “Communicating to the children about the possibility of things such as sibling rivalry, consequences and rewards, is very important; transparency and consistency from both parents will be essential in helping children best navigate their new living situation. In circumstances where children seem to be struggling significantly, you may need to seek help from a mental health professional.”

In terms of relations between step-siblings, it’s important to consider the age of the children and to understand they might not get along perfectly and that children close to the same age can be extra challenging. There may be arguing and expectations that biological parents “take sides” in any conflict.

Teenagers may present as more distant, withdrawn and resistant to connection with the step-parent and it is helpful for the parents to be mindful of these potentially challenges based on the age and stage of development of the child(ren).

“Depending on the age and stage of development of the children, they may not have the capacity to work through these concerns on their own and will often need parental modelling, guidance and direction,” Ouellette states. “As children get older and more mature, they will have more ownership of their thoughts, feelings and behaviour and may be able to problem solve on their own.”

All that being said, there are a number of other factors that can influence how a blended family comes together.

Families from different racial or religious backgrounds may face further struggles in adapting to each other’s way of life; this could also be the case where there was a difference in socioeconomic status between the families prior to coming together.

Other considerations could include how families adapt to other internal changes; for example, same-sex parents, gender identity changes in children or parents, and children with developmental or behavioural concerns, to name just a few.

“As with most changes in life, forming a blended family can be challenging and

Shaun Ouellette, Owner of Sage Therapeutic Consulting & Counselling, can offer advice on dealing with issues arising from parenting in a blended-family environment. Photo courtesy of Clarissa Marie Photography.

will have a learning curve for parents and children alike,” Ouellette expresses. “There may be times where neither parent knows what to do or how to react; however, being transparent, honest, compromising and communicating well with the family is essential in building bonds. Talk with children about goals, objectives, mistakes you’ve made and what change will look like moving forward.”

For more information about Ouellette and his counselling services, visit the website: SageTherapy.ca.

Safe Conversations For Couples With John Sullivan

John Sullivan, Owner/Coach of John Sullivan Counselling has been practicing Imago Relationship Therapy as a Certified Imago Therapist for 33 years. His qualifications include a Master’s degree in Counselling Psychology (Alfred Adler Institute of Professional Psychology, Chicago); B.A. Honours Philosophy and English (University of Toronto) and he is a member of the Ontario Association of Mental Health Professionals (OAMHP).

“I specialize in couples counselling, therapy and coaching,” notes Sullivan operating out of 5440 Malden Road in LaSalle. “I prefer the term ‘coach’ since

John Sullivan, Owner of John Sullivan Counselling, believes couples in blended families can overcome anything using “safe communication.” Photo courtesy of Hank and Yanka VanDerKolp.

therapy has a stigma that there is something wrong with the person. I have done lots of coaching outside my practice; typically there is nothing wrong with my players, it’s just something they are doing is not working.”

Sullivan knows blended families can raise a lot of issues that can affect a couple’s relationship. These include different parenting styles, kids being mixed into a different environment, and the children not having the same emotional connection with step-parents as they do with biological parents.

“No matter what the issue, it’s important that couples can talk to each other in a safe way,” he says. “By safe, I don’t mean physical safety (although that is a given in any conscious relationship); I mean psychological and emotional safety. Each partner should be able to bring up issues about anything and settle them in a safe way. If they can do that, they will be able to talk to each other about any issues that may arise in situations of blended parenting.”

Sullivan stresses that a strong relationship can overcome anything, including any problem arising in blended family situations.

“I stress safety because we have all evolved to assess situations in terms of safety and danger,” Sullivan explains. “Therefore, if one partner is yelling, attacking, withdrawing, you will automatically sense a threat and defend yourself. Those tactics don’t work; it is my joy really to teach couples to talk to each other in a safe way without attacking or withdrawing.”

Issues will arise (especially in blended families), but if the couple can learn how to talk to each other safely, there is nothing they can’t sort out.

Along with safety, Sullivan also

coaches couples into realizing that the relationship is not just the two of them — but also the connection in what he calls “the space between.”

According to Sullivan: “The space between is a real energy field, in which couples can sense tension. Tension or negativity in the space between causes disconnect and the whole purpose of the relationship is to be connected. If one partner puts negativity in the space between it will affect the other. One negative interaction might not do too much damage, but 50 negative interactions might.”

Sullivan explains that in a conscious relationship there can be no negativity — blame, shame or criticism — in the space between because this causes disconnect.

“The flip side of the coin is to fill the space between with positives, such as appreciation and affirmations,” he suggests. “If one is constantly hearing positives like ‘thanks a lot,’ ‘you did a great job’ and ‘I really appreciate that,’ they will feel relaxed instead being on the defensive. One will see their partner as an ally rather than an enemy.”

All-in-all, if couples take this advice and decide to make their relationship a priority, there is no problem presented by a blended family that can’t be overcome.

“Each person in the relationship will bring different problems, challenges, issues, concerns, strengths and weaknesses into the new partnership with kids,” Sullivan points out. “Now they have to learn how to resolve those differences and create the relationship they truly want. My business card states ‘the tools are available in today’s world to have the relationship of your dreams’ — I truly believe that.”

A critical factor for couples, according to Sullivan, will be learning to talk to each other about whatever problems and challenges arise in a way that allows all members of the blended family to feel validated.

“In my practice, I use the ‘intentional dialogue process,’ now called ‘safe conversations’,” Sullivan says. “It is a very structured approach that ensures safety. After more than 30 years of working with couples I found that if I can keep them in the process, they will sort things out — if they don’t attack or withdraw.”

Safe conversation is not a cookie-cutter method — what might work for a childless couple might not work for a couple in a blended family.

However, by staying within the process, they can find the best solution for themselves.

To learn about booking a SKYPE session with Sullivan and to view more about his background, go to his website: JohnSullivanCounselling.com.