Don't Be A Tourist | Feature | Charged

VACATIONTERROR

dON’T BE SUCH A TOURIST Looking forward to your time off?

You’re better off staying home, because going away can be lethal.

B

eing a tourist is supposed to be fun. At worst, you should expect the locals ripping you off at the shop and laughing at your shirt behind your back. The most danger you should be in is from zealous tanning or road food slightly off the ‘eat by’ date. Even a standard trip shouldn’t be a bigger hassle than maybe changing your tire and trying to pour coffee while driving. But it might just all go wrong - very wrong. When horrors go straight for the comfort of getting away from it all, things get ugly. Even the poor Jonathan Harker got far more than he bargained for when he visited Count Dracula’s castle on a simple business trip. But if it was as simple as watching out for creepy, eccentric castle dwellers, we’d all be fine. So which steps should one take to avoid a splatter scene while taking a break?

Don’t visit local legends Forget the local attractions. Try and avoid the locals themselves. Nothing will land you in bigger trouble than

going along with their antics. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, in its many incarnations, cautioned against visiting old buildings that belonged to your family or picking up blood-covered, crazed hitchhikers. Before you know it, you’ve uncovered a family of cannibals fond of power tools. But the signs of trouble can be more subtle, though crazed hillbillies demand vigilance.

For example, when you are invited to take part in any town’s centenary celebrations, as was the case in the sixties exploitation film Two Thousand Maniacs!, give them a nice ‘no thanks’ and then burn rubber until you see the skyline of a city. Otherwise you might just be crushed by a rock or rolled down a hill in a barrel full of nails.

Sometimes, though, all you need to do is stop somewhere, like the poor girl in 2006’s Rest Stop. While you quickly nip to the rather squalid toilets, your boyfriend disappears and a crazy guy in an old truck makes you regret that you just didn’t hold it.

Don’t deviate Always remember to plan your route

if it was as simple as watching out for creepy castle dwellers, we’d all be fine...

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VACATIONTERROR

Above: When the bellhop offers to carve up your room service order, you should consider changing hotels

and stick to it with the passion of a shark that just found his own whale carcass. Otherwise things will become really bad. Wandering off the beaten path has proven fatal to a few people, not the least for most of the family ambushed by wild child offspring (or atomic mutants) in The Hills Have Eyes.

Clearly following a desolate desert road that apparently goes nowhere, not to mention taking advice from creepy gas station attendants, is a bad idea.

But there are cases when your detour might seem smart, even necessary. For example, waiting for a chemical spill to be cleaned might seem like a great waste of time. On the other hand, take a Wrong Turn and you end up being chased by Stan Winston’s ogres across the forest. If you do plan to go into a remote place, though, don’t set out to document the legend of a local witch, else they’ll dig up your story years later ala The Blair Witch Project.

Read the Brochure So many bad events can be avoided if you read the brochure - and if there is no brochure, don’t go. The youthful gang in Evil Dead thought they scored a cheap getaway in the woods, but instead their tight purses brought up demons from beyond. Things worked out pretty well for Bruce Campbell’s career, but it’s highly doubtful if the girl accosted by the trees saw an upside to things. Careful study of the tourist material is essential. For example, if you plan to go diving, make sure the company states that they will absolutely always make sure they don’t leave you 42 |

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behind, scout’s honour. Else, as seen in Open Water, the last thing you’ll remember are more sharks than at a lawyer’s convention. When choosing a place to stay overnight, avoid the run-down motels reminescent of Eaten Alive or weird people at the desk (Vacancy). Be particularly wary of crazed owners or any alligators floating around, lest you’d be chopped up and fed to the reptile. Granted, some things can’t be avoided. You go on a trip, a wild animal mauls you and when you come to, your killed buddy is haunting you and you start getting itchy toward the full moon. You don’t need to be American to be a Werewolf in London.

But what about those eclectic roadside stalls? There’s just Captain Spaulding the clown who tells you about the legend of Dr. Satan and recommends you check out the place up the road - if you are interested. Never be interested.

Just imagine all such places can be called the House of a 1000 Corpses.

Else you will be up to here in family cannibalism and necrophilia.

Just stay at home But if you want to play it safe, just don’t travel at all. Danger lurks in the most unsuspecting places. In a drunken stupor during a cold Dutch night, you might take bad advice and visit a hostel in Slovakia - not advised unless said

Hostel has been featured in FHM and is likely not a front for an extensive business where the rich can torture a victim of their choice. The gangs of little criminal kids are bad enough, but apparently there’s plenty of that if you go to London. Obviously rain forests are more ambigious. Avoiding local tribes might be smart and, as the infamous 1980 film Cannibal Holocaust demonstrates, annoying them would prove incredibly dumb, especially if they fancy impalement. Skip The Ruins, else the plants might take a liking to your meat. It might seem safer to skirt the forest and indulge in it at a more civilised pace - in Turistas the happy travelers abandon their tour bus for an idealic Brazilian beach bar and nice people. But when those locals refer to you as ‘gringos’, they might mean that you are invaluable to their local organ selling business and they’ll still overcharge for the tequila shots.

It seems clear, doesn’t it? Avoid the strange countries where you shouldn’t drink water from the tap. Don’t be fooled. Even a fun road trip across Australia could come to a spinesnapping end. If you ever find yourself at a place called Wolf Creek and a local rugged type offers to fix your broken car, don’t even run. Beat him to death with anything you can. It’s the best chance you (and your spine) have got.

don’t set out to document the legend of a local witch or else they will dig up your story years later