How To Grill a Good Hamburger
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Cover design by: Ken Bradford tnwebdesign@charter.net
Dedication This book is dedicated to all those men and women who got so tangled up in Facebooking that they forgot about the hamburgers on the grill. I'm sorry you had to call Pizza Hut for supper.
There's just no way you could even think about grilling a good hamburger until you're born. So, that's just a good place to start. You could be born at home, in the hallway of your local hospital, or in a Yellow Cab doing 65 down I-40. It really doesn't matter. The important thing is that you get here.
After you are born, you have to drink a lot of milk. If your family can't afford milk, borrow some from your neighbor. Milk makes you strong so that one day you'll have the energy to grill hamburgers. Milk helps build brain cells and we all need those.
In a little while, you will need to go to school. You have to learn how to read, otherwise you might confuse hamburger meat with salmon patties. You just can't make good hamburgers with salmon patties, so school is very important.
It is very important that you graduate from school. If you don't people will think you are dumb and no one will give you a job to make the money you'll need to buy all the stuff to grill a good hamburger.
After you graduate from school, you probably need to join the military. The military will help you get in shape for grilling and you'll be able to tell the difference between chow hall food and good food. Without some military training, you might not appreciate the true value in a good hamburger.
After you get out of the military, you'll need to find a house. If you don't, you want have any place to put your grill to cook hamburgers. After you find a house, you'll need to go pick out your grill. There are simple ones and fancy ones, but don't spend all of your money. Remember, you still have to buy hamburger meat.
Now that you're down to your last nerve, you probably understand those instructions you threw away would have been important. OK, it's time to go get charcoal and charcoal lighter, because you just can't cook a good hamburger on a cold grill. This is where you can use all that schooling and military training. Have you ever seen a cigarette that would light itself? How about a cook stove that would cook supper without turning on the little knob? It's the same with charcoal. Do you want it to light itself or do you want to be in charge of that? That stuff could go off at any time, who knows?
The day has finally arrived, you can now buy your hamburger meat. Now, you have to understand that there are 14 different kinds of hamburger meat. Remember, all that schooling and military training. Common sense should tell you that it is all from the same place. It all depends on how much money you have in your pocket. If you just had to dig out the change from under the floor mats, I'd go with the cheap stuff.
Hold on, you've got to go back to the store. You forgot everything you need to put in your hamburgers. Don't get upset because the lady in front of you is on her cell phone. I'm sure it is very important or she wouldn't be holding up the line just for a nonsense conversation. Just stay calm, otherwise you'll just have to kick her skinny little hiney out the front door.
Now it's time to fire up the grill, but don't leave the hamburger meat in the truck. Dump about half a bag of good charcoal into the bottom of your grill. Then stack them up like a pyramid. If you don't know what a pyramid is, just make them like a tent. Soak them down with charcoal lighter. Some people use about a half a can. If you use that much, just stand back when you light that sucker. You sure don't want your head to look like that naked bird you stuff in the oven on Thanksgiving.
Now while your gill is all lit up, go back in the house and start making your hamburgers. You want to dump your hamburger meat in a large bowl. Put in every spice and salad dressing you can find. The more the better. Be sure and use a lot of powders. Remember, you're not making beef stew.
The secret to a good hamburger is how you pat them out. Don't make them as small as a biscuit and remember, you aren't making meatballs. Make them about the size of the side mirror on your truck. If you happen to have the very long mirrors, you might want to cut it down a bit. OK, the grill is probably ready. Remember when you stacked the charcoal up like a tent? Well, now you have to flatten them out. Place your patted out hamburgers on the grill. Close the lid if you have one, if not, you had better stay close.
In about four minutes, turn the hamburgers over. Don't worry if you drop one, that's why the dogs and cats are hanging around. Just don't put it back on the grill. In about four more minutes, turn them over again. Now, some people say they are done. If you think they are good, take them off the grill. If not, cook them a little while longer. Just don't mash the heck out of them. You want the juice inside the burger not in the bottom of your grill.
Once you get the hamburgers in the house, give them about ten minutes to just sit there. I really don't know why, but if you eat them straight off the grill you might get more than you bargained for. The rest is just eatin' and that's not covered in this book.
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