You Are Essential

Before the pandemic, a negative thought pattern clouded my views on reality. I was obsessed with the idea of living my life for other people: wearing what I thought the majority would accept, speaking my opinions on ideas I knew I would get approval on—all inevitably fueling a damaged view of self-love. Once I realized that I should be living for me, not others, I began to love myself, slowly but surely. Once the ability to connect with people on a daily basis was snatched from me, I became lost. My sense of productivity that fueled my opinion of my own self-worth was also ripped away, as I was forced to spend the last moments of high school in my childhood bedroom when I had hoped to be closing out the end of my academic year in the classroom, with my friends around me.

As an extrovert, the way I connected to other people and their opinions of me shaped my perception of how vital I was to this world. I received validation by how often I hung out with my friends, how many parties I was invited to, and whether or not people seemed to like me. When I was confined in my house back in Colorado, I had a lot of time to think and reflect. I tried my best to keep a routine, but kept falling back into feelings of sadness as the days kept repeating themselves over and over again, much like the film Groundhog Day. I no longer had distractions preventing me from confronting my poor self-esteem, and was almost forced to see how essential it was to be able to accept validation from myself, and only myself.

To start my self-love journey, I started to look more into spirituality, and more specifically, the law of attraction. From experience, I learned that a negative thought pattern induced a negative reality. To prevent this pattern from consuming my life, I decided that my habits had to change. So, I started small. I began exclusively listening to music that made me feel empowered. I started to practice manifestation, and stopped myself whenever I noticed that I was thinking adversely. My mantra became to view and talk to myself as I would my child - if I had my own.

This caused me to cut off friends who were treating me poorly and dragging my energy down. I realized that the people I had once considered my best friends impacted my life more negatively than positively. I found a new group of people to talk to who consistently supported me and accepted me, regardless of not having known me a long time. I made the promise to myself to only surround myself with the best people who care about my well-being.

The best thing I ever did for myself during quarantine was seek out a therapist. I had a lot of past experiences and traumas that I’d never truly come to terms with or developed coping mechanisms for. Meeting with my phenomenal therapist helped me adjust my thought patterns to more positive ones, which was crucial in these universally challenging times.

I’ve spent a lot of time with myself these past eight months, and without a doubt, have finally started to see how important healing is. I learned that the idea of being essential to this world isn’t reliant on how much money you have, how productive you are, or how many friends you have. It’s simply your existence–– your smile, mind, and soul, that makes you vital to this planet. It was around this past May, in the comfort of my childhood home, that I finally started to get it: I live for the girl looking back at me in the mirror, the one who’s helped me through thick and thin, the one who is vital, full of worth, and essential to this world.