Principles Of Persuasion

Principles Of Persuasion www.changingminds.org

ALIGNMENT PRINCIPLE When everything lines up, there are no contradictions to cause disagreement.

When a person receives a communication from you, one of the ways they act to assess whether they can trust you and trust your message is to compare it with other things you have said and done. If all of these agree (that is, they align) then they will be likely to trust you fully. On the other hand, the more you are unaligned, the less they will trust you.

No mixed messages The opposite of aligned communication is a mixed message, where beliefs, values, attitudes and prior words and actions do not tell the same story.

If you display values that indicate you are selfish or if you have a history of unreliability, then asking someone to lend you some money may not be successful.

Internal alignment Internal alignment occurs where a person's internal drivers, include beliefs and values as well as general goals, are not aligned with their words and actions.

Thus, for example, if you believe that you are a kind person and consequently talk this way, but then is unkind to another person, you are showing a lack of internal alignment.

The more out of alignment is, the more they will appear shallow and lacking in integrity.

External alignment External alignment occurs where a person's words and deeds align with the internal drivers of other people. Typically this at least involves alignment with common values, such as respecting others and helping those in distress.

Full alignment Full alignment occurs where two people have both internal and external alignment. This is extremely rare, although it can be approached when people work in a shared and collaborative culture.

So what?

At minimum seek external alignment, although it is difficult to avoid sending mixed messages through your body language.

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AMPLIFICATION PRINCIPLE Making something appear more significant (or insignificant) than it really is.

Often, in persuasive situations, we seek to direct the attention of the other person towards points that support our argument and away from points that reduce our argument. We thus both amplify the supporting points and attenuate (the reverse of amplifying) other points.

Turning up and turning down the volume Just as you can turn up and turn down the volume on your hi-fi, so also can you amplify or attenuate individual points to suit your purpose.

Amplifying may include such activities as:  Pointing out elements that play to the other person's needs, values and goals and otherwise focusing their attention.  Showing evidence of how other people have benefited.  

Contrasting the benefits of a proposition with alternative actions.

Frequently repeating the message.



Providing confirming experiences.

Attenuating may include activities such as:  

Distracting the person away from these elements.

Decreasing the person's investment in alternatives.

  

Reframing the situation to exclude alternatives.

Closing off concerns, for example using objection-handling techniques.

Hurting the person when they see alternatives so you can then rescue them with your proposition.

Framing yourself as an authority so you can criticize and trivialize non-supporting elements.



Forced choice A way of biasing options when offering or discussing a choice is to both amplify the choice you want the other person to make and to attenuate the choices that you do not want them to make.

A managed truth Amplification and attenuation need not include deliberate lying, but they do manipulate the truth, hence the famous phrase about a politician being 'Economical with the truth'.

So what?

So first identify those things that support your argument and also those things that detract from it. Then find ways of amplifying the good points and attenuating the bad points. Aim to keep them both truthful and subtle - as with all methods, if the other person feels you are being less than honest they will not trust you or your arguments.

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APPEAL PRINCIPLE You appeal to my values and basic drivers. I cannot resist.

Values as rules Our values and other rules give strong direction to our behavior. Although we may sometimes break our values, social norms, morals and ethics, when we know others will know that If we do not follow values, we will feel shame. Just the anticipated feeling of shame is enough to force us to comply, especially if a person is making a direct appeal to our values.

This is the appeal often used by charities. "You know it's right to help the elderly and infirm."

Role appeal Transactional Analysis describes how we may use our 'child' ego state to appeal to the other person's 'adult' state. "Oh please, Ma, do buy me that new dress!". We may also appeal to the other person at any TA level. We can even do child-to-child wicked appeals.

"Hey, let's have some fun!!"

You can also appeal to their role. Appeal to a manager for a decision. Appeal to an engineer for an explanation. If people are wearing a suit, they will act as if they are the suit.

Appeal to needs, greed and addictions "Hey, would you like some chocolate?" Appealing to things that people can't resist is usually a certainty. "Would you like to have a million dollars? Now?" So what?

Appeal to their better nature. Appeal to common values of decency.

Talk to the child in them. Or to the parent. Or even the rational adult.

Appeal to their dark secrets. Whisper that nobody will know.

AROUSAL PRINCIPLE When I am aroused I am full engaged and hence more likely to pay attention.

When my emotions are stimulated, my ability to make rational decisions is reduced, making me easier to influence.

Arousal occurs when the mind spots something that is important, often as a threat to basic needs although it can also be something that could help us achieve our goals.

Physiology of arousal Arousal is a physical state which can range from a gentle increase in interest to full-on fight-or-flight reaction, where the whole biology of the body is changed. Think of a time when you were aroused by something. You probably experienced bodily sensations of some kind. There may have been a powerful tingling shooting up your spine. Your might have had a hot flush rushing up you neck and around your face. You toes or fingers may have twitched.

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Emotional arousal When needs or goals are affected, either by threat or opportunity, we become emotionally engaged. When emotionally aroused, our rationality reduces, making us more likely to make rash decisions. Hence emotionally aroused people are more open to carefully-placed persuasive methods.

Ready for action When a person is aroused, their whole body is poised for action and they are very easy to tip into doing things, possibly with relatively little thought about the consequences.

Think about the motivating speeches of leaders. Consider the threats of competitors.

Remember when you were last in an auction. When you were aroused, you were ready to act at a moment's notice.

So what?

If you want somebody to act quickly, wind them up with direct or indirect threats or other immediate things that lead to them to a heightened state of arousal. Beware in doing this that you do not wind them up so much they go in the opposite direction.

To manage your own arousal and those you seek to help, consider building aspects of Emotional Intelligence.

ASSOCIATION PRINCIPLE I mentally connect things together, and then automatically follow the links I have made.

The connected brain One of the fundamental ways in which our minds work is to link things together. If I say 'elephant' your mind will immediately start thinking 'what's that like?', charging off on a butterfly series of associations, for example leaping to 'circus', 'clown', 'fool', 'king' and so on.

If, however, I can control how you associate, I can lead you in any direction I choose. The trick of this is to follow the natural tendencies of the mind, leading you along the rutted paths that already groove your thinking.

Association is, to some extent at least, the opposite of the contrast principle (or perhaps a contrast is an automatic association). Instead of highlighting something by showing you something else which is different, it is about seducing you through things which are similar, or related in some way.

Emotional association Emotions are very often associated with events, and the strength of the emotion is what makes that even significant in our memories. Emotional memories come to mind more easily and so continue to occupy our attention.

Phobias happen this way. I see a spider as a child, I am terrified. Now, whenever I even hear the word 'spider', I feel fear. This association of emotion with words and events is accentuated if others feel emotion at the same time. If my mother was also scared of the spider (or maybe was the first to feel fear), then the phobia will only be made stronger.

Short-cuts Association provides handy short-cuts for thinking. Brands take advantage of this. See Coca Cola -- think 'refreshing world drink'. Hmm.

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A connected society As a species, we have found it advantageous to live in groups where we can share the tasks of living. However, this comes at a price: to be accepted, we have to obey the social rules. It also leads to non-stop competition within the pecking order as we seek a mate, esteem and social power.

Even when we stand next to someone we do not know that we feel connected in some way. If they are famous or powerful, we feel a reflected glory. If they are socially undesirable, we feel tainted and will ignore them or move away.

So what?

So connect things. Connect people with their needs and wants. Connect what you want with what they want. Connect what is already accepted with what you want to be accepted.

You can connect in time, starting with things with which they cannot disagree, and following immediately with things of which you want to persuade them.

One of the most powerful things you can do is to connect personally -- from them to you.

They will then follow you. You can get them to connect visually, for example making yourself look powerful and attractive. You can connect emotionally, getting them into a buying frame of mind before presenting what you have to sell.

ASSUMPTION PRINCIPLE If you act as if something were true, I may well believe you.

If I act as if something is true, then other people around me have two choices. They can either assume I am lying or then can assume I am telling (or acting) the truth.

Generally, we are credible; assume people are telling the truth unless we have already decided that we distrust them. Associated with this we have beliefs in the trustworthy nature of other people. Thus a decision that the other person is lying would cause us dissonance so we assume they are telling the truth.

This is the principle of the Emperor's New Clothes. The false weavers, the Emperor and all except the small boy were playing a big game of 'as if'. It is also the principle used in change management where an effective leader 'has a vision and then inhabits it until it comes true'.

Assumption is a part of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy, where your belief in something leads to it coming true. Not magically, but through the conscious and subconscious actions in which you consequently engage.

So what?

Act 'as if' what you want was true. If the other person challenges it or acts confused, be concerned for them.

The 'assumptive close' of selling assumes the other person already wants to buy, so you say something like 'Do you want the yellow one or the red one?'

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ATTENTION PRINCIPLE Before I hear what you say, I need to be paying full attention.

The one thing we all have the same amount of is time, and changing someone else's mind means first getting a slice of their attention. You can do this in positive and negative ways by showing opportunities or threats to the other person's needs or goals.

Opportunity Intrigue plays an important part here, hinting at the possibility of gains. By showing the other person something that leads to them associating with their needs and goals, they will be attracted to pay more attention.

Threat Threat creates fear by attacking needs. Something that is perceived as a threat will also grab attention, especially if it is a 'clear and present danger'. This can be easy to create, but the problem, of course, is that it can put the other person into Fight-or-Flight mode.

Also, it can create future distrust and giving you even less attention if it turns out to be a false alarm.

Threats must thus be real and not manufactured by you. A classic threat generation is to point out something that is already there that the other person has not noticed.

Sensory contrast At the basic sensory level, attention may be gained by sudden changes, such as sudden noises or flashes of light. What is particularly important here is the change. The senses are good at detecting contrasting differences, which can be used to make things stand out and hence gain attention.

So what?

First, figure out what attention you need and then decide on the most effective way of getting it. Beware of tricking them to grab attention, because you'll get even less next time--perhaps when you need it even more.

AUTHORITY PRINCIPLE If a policeman came up to you in the street and told you to move out of the street as there was a parade starting, would you go? What if the policeman said you fitted the description of someone who was wanted for burglary, and that you should go with them to clear this up, would you go?

In fact most people would obey unquestioningly, which a fact is well known by confidence tricksters. We see the uniform and never dream to question the possibility that the policeman may not, in fact, be a policeman.

The double bind of authority is that not only are we compelled to obey it, but we are not even permitted to challenge it. This makes it a very powerful persuasion principle.

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Hierarchies of control Basic conditioning From a very young age, we are trained to obey. First our parents (and by default all adults), then teachers, policemen, managers and so on. Eventually it defaults to anyone who seems to be our superior.

We thus divide the world into those who are superior to us (and who are thus to be obeyed) and those who are inferior (and who should obey us). We then make the critical error of equating superiority with authority.

Control and trust The basic pact between parents and children, policemen and citizens, managers and employees is one of trust and control. We all have a need for a sense of control, which can be gained in two ways: We can either control things ourselves or we can trust someone else to provide the control for us. One implicit message of authority is thus 'Don't worry-everything is under control'.

The reciprocal agreement There is a tacit reciprocal agreement in situations of ceded authority that happens in two ways. In a coercive sense, a suppressed threat to use force leads us to give control. In the nurturing sense, we promise the rewards of love. Either way, obedience is gained through a promise of future action.

Indicators of authority How do we know when someone else is in a position of authority? Other than known people like parents and managers, here are some deliberate cues set up to remind us of who is in charge.

Uniforms Uniforms are very overt symbols of authority. They show membership of and allegiance to specific groups. Mostly, we associate uniforms with police and military forces. We also stretch the authority-acceptance to water inspectors, security guards, postmen and more.

What the uniform covertly says is, 'I belong to a big and well-organized group. If you don't do as I say, I'll get all my other friends to come and beat you up!’ Wealth We assume that if someone is wealthy, then they are successful, and if they are more successful than us, then they must somehow be superior to us. We hurry to help and obey those who seem richer than us, perhaps also in the hope that some of their wealth will fall our way.

Power Symbols of power are used to attract people (join my gang and I'll protect you) or bully people (join my gang or I'll hurt you). Symbols can include weapons, wealth and the trappings of a recognized position.

Leaders and senior members of organizations all use symbols to remind other people of their positional power, from stripes on a sergeant's arm to the size of an executive office.

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Physical attributes A taller, stronger person could hurt us, and our evolutionary programming tells us to generally play safe. We will thus tend to yield to such people, even though our social rules protect us from physical harm in most situations.

It is a fact that more top jobs in companies are taken by taller people. Taller men and taller women are seen by most of us as being more authoritative. There is also a reciprocal effect: we will perceive people in authority to be taller than they really are. Thus we talk about someone who is 'Walking tall'.

Attitude If you act like you're in charge, many people will not challenge you. You will be protected by the double bind whereby they feel unable to challenge you, just in case you are in charge.

So what?

Borrow the symbols of authority that already exist. Dress smartly. Drive an executive car.

Talk like you are in charge.

You can also leverage vested authority, for example pointing out how those in authority have given you their blessing.

The reverse of this is to gain time by pointing out that you do not have authority to decide now and need to consult your superiors or other the members of your team.

A double reverse is to build up the sense of authority of the other person so they have no excuse not to decide here and now.

BONDING PRINCIPLE I will do what my friends ask of me.

As social animals, we build friendships with other people. And a part of friendship is helping one another without having to negotiate an exchange at every turn, partly because we know that over time, the exchange and social capital will balance itself out.

Bonding also happens with parents and siblings - 'Blood is thicker than water' is a common saying. It can also happen with family substitutes including employers and other organizations and institutions that we join.

Emotional bonding One of the effects of becoming friends is a very human process of bonding, whereby we feel an emotional connection with the other person, such that our identities are connected together.

In such a situation, with connected identities, if I do something for myself, I am also doing it for the other person, and vice versa.

Variable bonds Emotional bonds vary. We have family, we have close friends and we have general acquaintances, and the degree to which we will help them varies accordingly.

So what?

Make friends with the other person. Build emotional bonds. Find things in common. Thus when you ask them to do something for you, they will feel as if they are doing it for themselves.

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CLOSURE PRINCIPLE We seek closure as release from tension.

Closure is the resolution of tension One of the characterizing factors about tension is that when we experience it, we will drive towards its resolution. When we are threatened, we will seek the closure of safety. When we are watching an exciting crime film, we find satisfaction in the closure of knowing 'who dunnit'.

In buying, looking at something I want builds the tension of wanting. Completing the purchase creates the pleasure of closure.

Even death can be a welcome closure, as condemned people and the terminally ill well know.

Anticipation of closure creates pleasure A pleasure of tension is in the anticipation of closure. A roller-coaster is a series of tensions as you clank up the slope, anticipating the drop the other side. As you reach the summit there is a relief at having reached the edge, followed instantly by 'will I survive' tension as you plummet over the edge, with closure of relief as you reach the other end safely.

When shopping, we thus enjoy the pleasure of anticipated completion of the purchase.

Any closure can help any tension When someone makes me tense by shouting or disobeying me, there are more ways of resolving this tension other than direct interaction with them. Slamming the door helps.

So does driving fast and chopping wood. It's almost like we create other tension and subsequent closure in order to try and snag the broader closure.

Closure closes the doors of the past Closure is a literal event in more than one way. When we experience closure, we close the doors on the confusion of the past. Closed doors let you focus on the future. They let you decide quickly in the future. Closed doors are also hard to open again.

Two types of closure: aha and yes Closure happens in two places during a person's thinking.

First, when you understand, and meaning is created, you close the doors on any further pondering of what your experience means. Legend has it that Archimedes, when asked to determine the value of the Syracuse king's crown, went for a bath to think. As he sunk into the waters, he noticed the water spilling over the edge of the bath and suddenly realized how use this to calculate the volume of the crown. This was the point of closure, the 'aha' moment, the point of realization. He then ran down the street, naked, shouting 'Eureka' (I have it).

Secondly, closure happens when you complete a decision, such as when you say 'yes' to the request from another person. Again, it closes off further cognitive effort and resolves associated tensions.

Closure is the brain's way of saying thank you When you achieve closure, your brain gives you a nice squirt of serotonin from your own private supply of this natural opiate. This is its way of telling your brain that we are doing the right thing. You feel good, of course.

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Closure can be addictive Closure is so nice; we will even seek tension in order to experience the pleasure of closure. Children are naughty to get the closure of attention. Unhealthy habits from overeating to excessive sunbathing are all driven by the search for closure. Once the habits are A classic closure-seeking pattern is the drama triangle where, for example, one child experiences closure of persecution when they hurt a sibling, whilst the sibling feels closure of being rescued by a parent. The rescuer can also get closure in the rewards of moral superiority. Such behavioral games are played out endlessly in families, workplaces and public places.

Addicts find closure in using the needle, even when they are in a reasonable state of mind and they know how bad they are going to feel later.

So what?

Closing is a sales speciality and nightmare, which highlights the problem for many -- after all the effort of persuasion, at some time you have to ask for the sale and risk the pain of rejection.

The trick in closing is to find the right time, when the person is sufficiently wound up that all you need to do is tip the scales and they fall easily into the closure of agreeing with you and buying what you are selling, whether it is a tractor or their salvation.

If you build tension in another person, they will seek closure. This is a core principle in persuasion.

CONFIDENCE PRINCIPLE A confident persuader creates confidence in the persuaded.

Emotions and attitudes are catching. If you are uncertain in your arguments and appear to lack confidence in yourself, the other person will not be persuaded.

We all have a need for certainty, and confidence is the outward sign of inner certainty. By giving the other person confidence, you are fulfilling this need in them.

Confidence is a message. A non-confident person and a strong message lead to mixed messages. For the other person to be confident in their decision to agree, all of your messages, verbal and non-verbal, must align.

Confidence in yourself Confidence starts with yourself. If you have sound self-esteem and a strong selfconfidence, then this will naturally appear in everything you do. Being loud and brash, by the way, does not signal confidence - it is often a sign of someone who lacks confidence and is trying to compensate for this.

A more powerful confidence is that which is quiet and confident enough in oneself to embrace the paradox of being open when you are unsure about something (which acts as the exception that proves that you are truly confident the rest of the time).

Confidence about what you are selling Whatever you are selling or seeking to persuade, you need to believe that it is truly valuable and worthwhile. A salesperson who does not believe in their products will communicate this, no matter how slick an act they put on.

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Confidence in your arguments When you are persuading another person, if your arguments are weak and easily challenged, then you will probably have difficulty in being confident about them. If, on the other hand, you understand and believe what you are saying, you will appear far more confident.

Confidence about the other person You also need confidence about the other person. If you see them as a threat then you will react very differently from if you see them as a person to be cared for and who you can help.

But not over-confidence Confidence can be over-done and appear as arrogance. This particularly happen when the other person is uncertain and the persuader is making them feel stupid or pressurized.

To lead others, the confidence of the persuader needs to be at an attractive place in front of them towards which they can move. If it is too far away, they are likely to react negatively towards it.

So what?

Build self-confidence by doing internal work on your belief system. Make friends with your subconscious. See yourself as equal to others. Know that you are a good person with sound values.

Build confidence in the product by studying it in detail. This will also help you to explain it to the person to whom you are selling. If you are persuading about non-products, then likewise build a deep understanding of what you want.

Build confidence in your arguments by thinking them through and linking them to what you are selling. Also link your whole persuasion to the other person and what they want.

Confidence in other people starts with confidence in yourself and with your overall beliefs about people. Just as you should research the product and what you will say, it is of great value to find out more about the other person.

Always make your confidence attractive. Do not act as if an unconfident person is stupid.

Show understanding that they are not confident, position your confidence where they can seek to be as confident as you.

CONFUSION PRINCIPLE A drowning person will clutch at a straw. So push them under water then offer a straw.

Losing control One of the deep needs we have is to be able to understand the world around us. If we understand, then we can predict what will happen and hence control our environment and stay safe. When we cannot make sense of our experiences, we feel confused and scared and seek a way of getting out of the cognitive deep water in which we find ourselves.

Unexpected surprise When we predict we then set up expectation. When the expectation does not meet what was predicted, we are surprised and confused and have to stop to figure out what is going on.

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Sends you inside What is the sound of one hand clapping? What is the sound of a tree falling in the forest when nobody is there? What is the point of such meaningless Zen sayings? The clue is in the deeper intent of Zen, where a major goal is to find enlightenment. The confusing koans are designed specifically to send you inside, making you think so hard about what they mean that you forget yourself, and consequently find nirvana.

Confusion can send you so far inside and so deep that it puts you into a trance. As you struggle to find a meaning where none exists, the assumption that an answer must exist sends you on an ever-deepening spiral. Confusion is a method that is, perhaps unsurprisingly, used by hypnotists as a method of hypnotic induction.

Clutching at straws Confusion is used in many persuasion techniques as a way of destabilizing the other person. Just as a drowning man will clutch at a straw, so also will a confused person grab at any idea you offer them in the hope that it will help them crawl out the sea of confusion in which they are wallowing.

So what?

The most common way of confusing someone is simply to overload them. Just keep giving them things until they crack. It is especially effective if what you are saying is of interested and makes them think and want to respond.

Overload is multiplied when what is being communicated is complex or difficult to understand. This effectively shortens the time to the point where the other person becomes overloaded and needs to stop and process the information given to them.

There are many written and unwritten rules of conversation and interpersonal communication. People expect you to follow those rules. If you break them, they will quickly become confused.

CONSISTENCY PRINCIPLE I like to keep consistent what I think, say and do, and will change to ensure this is so.

The same thought, word and deed If I say I am a nice person and then act unpleasantly towards others, then I am breaking the law of consistency. This will, of course, not endear me to other people who might socially ostracize me for my transgressions.

The effect is even more powerful when I think about myself, to the point where I will change my rationalization of the situation or even my self-perception so everything lines up and makes sense again (at least to me).

This can have strange effects, for example where people who bet on horses increase their estimation of a horse's chance of winning after they have placed bet on it. It is also an important principle for persuasion.

Social pressure When words and actions disagree, people will assume that a person's intentions are more closely aligned with what they do rather than what they say. An effect of this is that when I act inconsistently with my declarations, other people will see me as being untrustworthy,

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and hence will at best not believe me in future, and at worst will reject me as worthy of their attention.

This creates significant external pressures that will cause us to be careful about aligning our words and our actions.

Self-image We judge ourselves in the same way that we judge others. In fact our judgment is more harsh, as we intimately know our intent, beliefs and value behind our thoughts and actions. When the map and the territory differ, we thus need to change something so they line up again.

Rationalization When our actions differ from our beliefs or values, we need to explain this to ourselves. As we do not really want to change our beliefs or values, our first move is to seek external reasons for the different.

For example, if we have hurt someone, rather than accept ourselves as being unkind, we will rationalize our behavior. Thus the enemies are de-humanized and we tell ourselves that our victims were asking for the punishments we meted out to them.

Another common rationalization is to claim that we were forced to act as we did. This is one of the uses of having someone else as an authority we can blame.

Inner change If there is insufficient evidence to give a rational external explanation, we are forced to change on the inside. We can thus be led to change even deeply held beliefs and values.

This is why coercion and many persuasion techniques either fail or fail to make permanent changes to the target person. If you want them to really change, then you must let them do it 'all by themselves.'

Feeling it The effect of inconsistency is to create feelings of tension. This then provides the motivating force that propels people into action. The greater the inconsistency, the greater the tension, and the greater the motivation.

Other words that describe feelings associated with inconsistency include: confusion, uncertainty, dissonance, denial and irritation. On the other hand, consistency feels calm, smooth, right, valid and even.

So what?

Get people to speak and act outside their normal belief boundaries, preferably in a public way. Then encourage them to change their beliefs to be consistent with their actions. This is how Brainwashing works.

Make it easy for them to do. Charities who get you to sign petitions know that petitions seldom have a significant effect. The real effect is on you, as you now will have to strengthen your belief in the charity's cause in order to support your putting your name (a significant symbol of your identity) on the line.

When getting them to act, do it such that they break their beliefs a little bit at a time, otherwise they will rationalize their actions, blaming the situation (or you!).

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CONTRAST PRINCIPLE We notice difference between things, not absolute measures.

When we make judgments, evaluating how good a dress or person is, we don't make absolute judgments. The way we judge pretty much anything is in comparison with something else. When we say someone is smart or talkative, we actually mean they are smarter or more talkative than other people. (Note the '-er' at the end of the adjective and the 'more' -- these are sure signs of contrastive words).

Perceptual contrast Put your left hand in a bowl of cold water and your right in hot water. Leave them there for a while, and then plunge both together into a bowl of lukewarm water. Surprise! The left feels hot whilst the right will feel cold.

This is the principle of Perceptual Contrast by which our senses work. Put light next to dark and it seems lighter. A stale smell will seem worse after a sweet smell. The same effect also applies to more our complex cognitive constructions.

Shortlists We are not good at selecting from a large group as there are too many contrasts to make.

When faced with many candidates for a job or many possible suits to purchase, we will rapidly simplify the decision by breaking things down to a very short shortlist.

Pair-wise comparison Although we can select from a group of things, we compare best when we have only two things from which to select. In fact one of the reasons that we do reduce choices to a shortlist is that we have less pairs to compare. Even then, we will break things down further, comparing the top two or three, one again another.

Comparing with prototypes and stereotypes A prototype is an idealized stereotype. Sometime the standard against which we judge other things is a prototype that we have constructed. Thus when house-hunting we will compare each residence against a non-existent prototype which has four bedrooms, a large kitchen and so on.

Prototypes, like Frankenstein's monster, are often made up of all the best bits from a wide range of experiences. Thus our prototype house might have our cousin's kitchen, a friend's bathroom and so on.

Comparing with what is available If two women are standing side by side, a man will evaluate one against the other, as the other woman is more immediately available than a recalled prototype.

Women, of course, will do the same. In fact we all will tend to use whatever comparators are most available to us at the time of judgment. In our usual lazy mental manner, we are more likely to use the comparator that is easiest to access than one which may be more appropriate. Thus given an unattractive person and an average-looking person, we will judge the average person to be more attractive than if we saw them alone.

Comparing against other people When evaluating ourselves, the main comparator is other people. We decide how happy, beautiful and so on we are by comparing ourselves with others. In particular we tend to look to peers and people who are 'like us' to compare ourselves against. Thus rich people compare against other rich people (and often feel quite poor as a result!). People for whom being intelligent is important will compare themselves with other clever folks.

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A result of this is that being rich, powerful, and clever and so on is no predictor of happiness. We may strive for success, but if we change our comparators along the way, we will not seem to have achieved that much.

So what?

Contrast is an important principle by which we make decisions. So to persuade something, we can leverage this by paying attention to these comparisons.

Sales tricks Sales people will often use the contrast effect by showing you a poor quality product alongside the one that they want you to buy.

They might also show you a wonderful product that is way beyond your reach. When you compare your ideal purchase with this, you are then likely to re-evaluate it upwards. Then when you look at a range of products, you will chose higher up the scale than you might otherwise have done.

They will also sell you add-ons. For example when you buy an expensive car, the optional extras seem very cheap in comparison.

Control the comparator The overall trick is in controlling the comparator. Once you have identified the decisions that you want them to make, identify the comparator that they may use and then work to replace it with your comparator.

You can make it more available. You can stretch their envelope by making it better or worse than expected. You can also change the priorities, for example getting them to compare first quality instead of cost.

DARING PRINCIPLE If you dare me to do something, I dare not 'not' do it.

Daring triggers basic drives to prove oneself, especially to one's peers and even more so to attractive members of the opposite sex.

Testosterone rules A common factor through many species is the competition between males - often with the prize of first choice from the females.

Actual fighting is generally a bad idea as even if you win you can get seriously hurt. A way of winning without fighting is a display of courage. The effective message to other males is 'if we have to fight, I will not give in easily'.

Women compete and fight too and can be remarkably courageous, especially in the defense of family and close friends, but the evolutionary drives of men towards open risktaking are much greater.

The dynamics of dares Dares are often used in groups of young men to challenge one another to perform dangerous feats. Although these can involve physical danger, they are more often than not social in nature and sometimes enable valuable learning, for example where a boy is dared to ask out a girl.

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The psychology of the dare is that the dared person is caught in a double bind. They have the choice of either accepting the dare or appearing as a coward and suffering a social lowering in status. Faced with such a choice, many people accept the dare, attracted as much by the potential kudos as the fear of ridicule.

Some people find great pleasure in the thrill that dares create, and saying "I dare you..." to them is like waving a red rag at a bull.

Dares can take many forms and can be very subtle. The only qualification is that the target feels impelled to act. You can have group dares ('Now who can do this?'), reverse dares ('I wouldn't if I were you') and more.

So what?

First, assess their preferences and act accordingly. For example:  For contrarians, imply that they cannot do something.  Use a straight dare with risk-seekers. 

Ensure that extraverts have an audience.

DEPENDENCE PRINCIPLE If you are dependent on me, I can use this as a lever to persuade you.

When people work together, each is more or less dependent on the other. This is the classic division of labor and the basis of our tribal and capitalist systems, with each person investing in one skill which is then shared for the common good.

A common pattern found in persuasive situations is an imbalanced dependence, where person A is more dependent on person B than vice versa. Person B can use this imbalance as a lever to persuade person A. Person B's power may even be expressed as the difference between A's and B's dependence.

This imbalance can lead to many forms of coercion, such as blackmail. It can also lead to forms of worship (such as pop fans fawning on their idols) and desperate attempts of the more dependent person to persuade the more powerful one. This imbalance can also lead to anger, betrayal and revenge, as the dependent person seeks to redress the balance.

Desired dependence We start life as dependents, initially as helpless babies and later as children, learning so we can free ourselves from our mother's apron strings. But that early and comfortable existence continues to call us and many of us spend our lives trying to recreate those infant feelings of dependent safety.

A symptom of this is the way that groups of people will almost always end up with one leader and many happily-dependent followers.

Power Dependence is created when one person has more power than another. In particular control of knowledge and access to rare resources can lead to a queue of people lined up outside your door.

So what?

Build your knowledge and skills. Acquire control and other forms off power. This can also be used to free yourself from hazardous dependencies.

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DISTRACTION PRINCIPLE If I distract your attention, I can then slip around your guard.

Because we have limited attention, if something attracts that attention it means we are not paying attention in another area.

Distracting away from the bad news Sometimes distraction is to get away from what is not wanted. A way distraction is used in buying and selling is where the focus of the conversation is on, for example, the power or attractiveness of the car, which may distract the buyer away from reliability issues.

Procrastination is also a form of self-distraction, where you move yourself away from things I do not want to do, to a more 'important' distraction.

Distracting toward the good news Distraction can also be towards things which are good, attracting people for example with things that meet their needs (as opposed to threatening their needs).

Making the real idea easy When distracting with something of interest, you can then slip in something that is easy for the other person to accept. Thus someone buying a car might focus hard on safety factors (as a distraction) and then ask casually 'insurance is included, of course?'

Hypnotic suggestion Distraction is often used in hypnotherapy, where the hypnotherapies talks about some triviality with the client or otherwise gets their conscious mind engaged in some problem (the confusion principle can be used this way) whilst they put the real message through to the subconscious mind.

This principle of suggestion can be used without deep trance and in ordinary conversation.

By emphasizing key words, you can give two meanings at once: the apparent meaning and the subtle meaning.

Pickpockets, illusionists, martial artists and generals Distraction is used in all sorts of places. A classic physical method is used by pickpockets, where they will apply sharp pressure to one part of your body, thus distracting your (much localized) attention whilst slipping another gentle hand into your pocket.

Illusionists do the same visually, providing movement and color where they want you to look, whilst palming the coin or doing the real business with the other hand.

Even martial artists do it -- well, at least in the softer arts, such as Tai Chi and Aikido. Like the pickpockets, they apply sharper pressure at one point to make you resist, and then move you where they want with a gentle palm. The harder arts, like Karate and Kung Fu will deliberately distract you for a moment, such as with a noisy foot-stamp or sudden movement to your face, whilst speeding through with the real power punch.

Generals know this principle too: there are many classic military strategies based on distraction. For example, throw a force at a weak point, making the other side rush troops to the rescue, then you apply your main force to the point they have just abandoned.

The principles are all the same. Distract you by using the basic rules of sensation, whilst simultaneously and gently slipping past your guard.

So what?

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Notice what people are interested in and where their attention goes, and then uses this to distract towards or away from things as necessary. Make the distractions really interesting by focusing them on needs and goals.

EVIDENCE PRINCIPLE I cannot deny what I see with my own eyes.

In our interactions with others, we often disagree and know that they will try to persuade us. If you tell me something, I can easily deny it, effectively saying that you are either mistaken or a liar.

Evidence, however, comes from outside the other person, which means we cannot attribute it to their person, and must judge it independently.

Evidence is particularly powerful for disconfirmation and destroying beliefs. If I find out about my partner cheating on me, all faith and trust are instantly destroyed. Such a change can cause a significant emotional response.

Uncertainty Evidence is particularly important when we are uncertain. In these situations we go into an 'evidence-seeking' mode, where everything is questioned.

This is used in social situations when we do not know what to do we often look at other people to see what they are doing.

Modeling If I want you to behave in some way, then if I act that way, I am providing you with social evidence. This is used by leaders, from wartime ministers displaying faith and courage to business leaders who embody new values and working practices.

Strength  Evidence can be weak or strong and its credibility may depend on its source and medium. If the evidence can be doubted or ignored then it will have less strength.

Increasing evidence that aliens have landed might thus be:  A person asserting they have seen them  A newspaper report on the landing  Photos in the newspaper  A national radio broadcast  A broadcast by an acknowledged expert 

TV footage of spacecraft

   

TV footage of the aliens TV interviews with the aliens Meeting the aliens Going with then back to Alpha Centauri

Legal evidence The legal system makes great use of evidence, testing each item and determining if there is a good case. It is played out in a court where hard evidence is the major player, and opinions, even of experts, are of secondary importance.

Disconfirmation is critical and one strong piece evidence can swing an entire case.

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Scientific evidence Science, even more than legislation, is based on objective and measurable evidence. A hypothesis is put forward to explain a phenomenon and then both confirming and disconfirming evidence is sought in a wide range of situations (thus showing where the theory does and does not work).

So what?

Gather evidence both for your argument and against other arguments. Seek objective evidence that cannot be denied. Look for things that will shake the other person's beliefs.

Deploy the evidence carefully and to a planned strategy. For example, you can use a fullfrontal assault, battering them into submission with a powerful stream of incontrovertible evidence. You may also plan a longer campaign of attrition, wearing them down with doubt and systematic destruction of their arguments..

EXCHANGE PRINCIPLE If I do something for you, they you are obliged to do something for me.

Have you ever had someone come up to you in the street and give you something, perhaps a flower or even a book? How kind. But then they ask for a donation to their cause, and you feel that as they have given something to you, then you really ought to give something back.

Value exchange Exchange is a game of balance. I help you then you help me then I help you, and so on.

What we exchange is not so much distinct things as perceived value. If I have something that I do not value very highly but you do, then it is a useful thing for exchange.

Exchanges are not necessarily financial or physical in nature. Emotional exchanges, which we use a great deal of the time, can be of surprising value. When I take my daughter to a pop concert, a smile and a hug is more than adequate payment. A simple thanks is all many want for much of their hard work on behalf of others.

Trust = delayed exchange A simple definition of trust is 'delayed exchange'. I will do something for you today without asking for something in return. I must thus trust that you will repay the favor some time in the future.

Without trust, exchange is confined either to an immediate exchange or else a trusted third party must be utilized. Third party 'trust brokers' are more common than might be imagined. For example, a major function of banks, lawyers and friends are to act between us and others who we may not trust.

Social pressure Breaking the exchange principle in a group can be a heinous crime, punishable by ostracizing or even expulsion. The fear of such penalties is more than enough to keep many people on the straight and narrow.

The bank account Exchange is something like a bank account. Sometimes I put things in, sometimes I take things out. I can thus invest in helping others today so I know I can call on them in my hour of need.

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Social capital The idea of social capital is that when there is a high level of trust within a social group (which can be a large as an entire country), then we will help people we do not know, in the confident knowledge that others who we do not know will also help us. It is like we all have one big joint bank account.

We may need some help with the trust thing in such situations. What if someone takes advantage and asks for too much? This is where laws, trusted brokers and so on start to creep into the picture.

The golden rule The biblical Golden Rule says 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Although others might not like the same as us, it is a simple rule which guides many decisions in an equitable fashion.

Upsetting the balance Exchange rules are based on long-term relationships, where the balance of exchange evens out over time. However, we are programmed by these rules to the point where we will obey them even in shorter-term and low-trust exchanges.

Give and take If I give you something, then there is a social rule that says I can ask you for pretty much anything in exchange. Cults use this when they demand absolute obedience (and all the worldly wealth) of their devotees.

One of the tricks of unbalancing exchange is to make what you are offering very desirable, for example by using scarcity or other principles to jack up the value.

Number vs. quantity If I do three things for you and you do something of equivalent value all in one go, does that make us even? Unfortunately not. The equations of exchange are not that linear. We often confuse quantity of occurrences with quantity of time.

So what?

Companies and shops will give you free samples, which then encourage you to buy the full product in return.

Leaders will grant favors to their followers. These can be small strokes of attention in payment for what may be significant efforts. By giving out their attention in many, small packets, they can create a remarkable imbalance, yet still have their followers loving them unquestioningly.

If you don't have enough Christmas cards, try sending cards to total strangers. A surprising number will send you one back (and even add you to their regular Christmas list).

Politics is rife with 'logrolling' and the exchange of favors. It is one reason why laws can get strangely convoluted as modifications to suit just a single person get woven into the wording.

The 'rejection-then-retreat' technique (also know as the foot-in-the-door method) works by making an arbitrarily large request. When this is (naturally) turned down, you then retreat to your realistic request. The person now feels obliged to repay your climb-down by agreeing to your request.

A variation of this is used by sales people who make cold calls and (naturally) get rejected. After the rejection, they can ask to be recommended to someone else. They can

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then leverage the liking principle by saying to the next person 'John said that you would be really interested...’

EXPERIENCE PRINCIPLE I cannot deny what I experience for myself.

I hear and I know. I see and I believe. I do and I understand. -- Confucius We create our understanding of the world out first from our experiences and this remains the most effective and convincing way we learn.

Multi-sensory Experiences start with the senses, and the more we sense, the richer our experience.

Bakers and Coffee-shops know this well when they fill the air with delicious smells and sights of the product. Comfortable chairs, homely surroundings and friendly service all add to the sensory experience.

Multi-experience One experience, although potentially powerful, may well be insufficient to persuade us, and we will seek confirmation through repeated experiences.

Experience and belief We do not have time to experience everything, so much of our understanding comes from assumptions and belief of what others tell us. The most powerful way of changing those beliefs is to give the other person experiences that clearly contradict the target belief.

So what?

Create repeated, multi-sensory experience that eliminates limiting beliefs and consistently and powerfully demonstrates your case.

FRAGMENTATION PRINCIPLE Divide and conquer. Smaller parts are easier to understand and agree.

When faced with a large task, we manage it by breaking it down into manageable parts and then dealing with one part at a time. We have bounded rationality and can handle only so much at a time.

This principle can be used to help you, the persuader, and also your target, the person being persuaded.

The question has been asked: how do you eat a chocolate elephant. The answer is, of course, 'one bite at a time'.

Divide and conquer Divide what is being sold into smaller items and sell one piece at a time. Divide the other side up into people you can talk with one at a time. Chop up the work that you have to do so you can manage it in bite-sized pieces.

So what?

Break down persuading just like you break down a problem into manageable parts.

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FRAMING PRINCIPLE Meaning depends on context. So control the context.

We create meaning not just through the main part of what we hear and see, but also those element that surround it. By changing the surroundings, the meaning of the main topic is also changed. However, people are usually focused on the main topic, which enables the frame to be used as a subtle form of persuasion.

Thus, for example, a gun in a museum cabinet has a different meaning to a gun being pointed at you by a nervous burglar.

Argument framing When you are arguing for or against something, you may frame your argument by giving broad detail about other contributory factors before making your major point. The persuasiveness of the argument can easily be affected more by the frame than the core point.

For example, if I want to persuade a friend to come out for a drink with me, I might start by talking about a new bar down town where there are some very attractive members of the opposite sex, or I might frame the drink in terms of the meal we will have at the same time.

Physical framing The physical frame of a persuasion is typically where you are when you are doing the persuading. Thus asking someone to marry you is more likely to be successful in a romantic setting, such as on a beach at sunset, rather than somewhere more mundane, such as on a bus.

Reframing Re-framing is persuasion by changing the frame that the other person is using. If you ask an employee to do some additional work and they complain about being alone, you might point out that the boss goes home late and seeing the person there working alone will give them extra credibility.

So what?

Think hard about the framing of your persuasive arguments. Just giving the core content may well not be enough. Also consider the effects of the physical setting.

Turn the other person's arguments back on them, reframing their objections into benefits.

HARMONY PRINCIPLE Go with the flow to build trust and create subtle shifts.

We like and hence trust people who we believe are like us and who like us. When we trust them, we are then more easily persuaded. We are also more persuaded when they do not knock our arguments.

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Don't fight City Hall. Go with the flow. Roll with the punches. There are many sayings that illustrate the point.

NOTE: Harmony does not mean that you must agree with them at all costs. It is not about passivity or concession.

First get trust If I do not trust you, then I will not be persuaded by anything you say. If, however you appear trustworthy, then I will listen. When you harmonize with me then I feel you are like me and hence are trustworthy and that you arguments are worth considering.

Create exchange Harmonizing with you effectively sets up exchange. If you are nice to me, I feel that I must now be nice to you. Perhaps by agreeing with you in some way.

Martial harmony Harmonizing is an ancient principle, used in soft martial arts such as Tai Chi and Aikido.

Physically, it means moving with the other person, which makes it very difficult for them push you, let alone land a punch. When you have achieved this, you can then subtly move them to where you want them to be.

A Tai Chi saying is 'It only takes one ounce to move a force of thousand pounds'. This is true when you consider the movement vectors of the situation. A force moves in one direction only, and can be deflected by any other force acting at right angles to it. Thus if the thousand-pound force is going North, the one-ounce force applied to the West will move the big force off its trajectory. Not by much, but a miss is as good as a mile.

So what?

Rather than argue against them, find ways of agreeing with them that does not compromise what you want them to think. Rather than fighting their arguments, include them in your case.

HURT AND RESCUE PRINCIPLE 'A drowning person will clutch at a straw', so push them in the water, and then throw them a rope.

'Hurt and Rescue' is the underlying principle beneath many different persuasion methods.

Hurt Hurting the other person does not mean physical harm and it may not even mean making them feel bad, but it does mean creating a tension that they want to resolve.

Negative and positive hurt Negative hurting means making them feel pain of some kind, pointing out what is wrong, making them want to get away from something.

Positive hurt, on the other hand, means making the other person want something, creating desire, seeing what is good.

Active and passive hurt Actively hurting someone means taking deliberate action, setting them up, causing them pain by what you do.

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Passive hurt may mean deliberately allowing a person to be hurt when you could rescue them earlier (perhaps to have a greater effect later).

Rescue Rescuing a person means removing their hurt, saving themselves from their pains. It creates closure and relief.

Rescuing can be a bit like fishing. It's not just about reeling in the fish. If they feel you pulling, then they may pull back and you end up either with a tug of way or a broken line and a fish disappearing into the distance.

Grasping hopefully at straws Rescue may start with hope, as people envisage and predict the relief of being rescued.

Thus they will grasp at straws in the desperate hope of rescue.

Self-rescue In the ideal rescue, the solution is available and the person rescues themselves without your intervention. This can be arranged, for example, by putting it in their path and helping them to 'find' it. You can then be suitably impressed and congratulate them.

A key benefit of self-rescue is that they fully own the solution hence are likely to adopt it more fully.

Requested rescue It helps a great deal if, rather than having rescue thrust upon the person, they ask for it first. This helps to ensure they appreciate and own the solution.

Offered rescue In practice, it is often necessary for you to offer rescue, such as when they cannot see a solution even when it is in front of them.

When doing this, you may get some objections and resistance which you must handle.

Enforced rescue Finally, you may affect the rescue without their permission, for example when they are in imminent danger.

In such cases, they may not realize they are hurt and may strongly resist your rescue attempts.

So what?

'Hurt and Rescue' seems pretty negative, by the way, but do not be fooled by the wording.

As with most methods, it can be used for good or bad.

Hurt and rescue methods can range from the classic 'Good cop--bad cop' routine to the most principled of therapeutic technique.

INTEREST PRINCIPLE If I am interested then I will pay attention.

We are interested in those things that affect our needs and goals. When we are interested we Interest leads to attention

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The AIDA sales model says that the first step of selling is to get attention, which makes a kind of obvious sense. After all, without the attention of the other person, you cannot have any kind of conversation. The same is true of any kind of persuasion. If you want to maintain attention, you will need to constantly play to their interests throughout any interaction.

You can grab attention in crude ways, but shock tactics tend to have only a short-term effect. To sustain the conversation, working with interests is by far the most effective method.

Bodily sensations Chances are you experienced bodily sensations of some kind. There may have been a powerful tingling shooting up your spine. Your might have had a hot flush rushing up you neck and around your face. You toes or fingers may have twitched at the prospect to come.

Thus when other people are feeling something, there are likely to be visible signs, such as skin color changes and different facial expressions. Watch out for these signals, especially after you have done or said something that is intended to stimulate their interest. You can also discover their interests by observing them in everyday action.

Interest is selfish In what are people interested? Are they interested in your problems or products? Are they interested in hearing you talk? No, not really.

What about their interests in being nice to other people and saving the environment?

These, too, can be traced back to things like being nice to others so they will be nice back, and saving the environment so you and your descendents will survive.

Biologist Richard Dawkins, in 'The Selfish Gene', explained how, at the most fundamental levels, we are simply machines for propagating our genes and all our actions can be explained in this light.

Interests are in achieving goals If I have decided that I want to buy a new car, then a car salesman has my attention. If I have just bought one, then they have no chance of selling me another and I am not interested.

If you want to persuade someone to do something, then it helps a great deal if you can find out what they need, want or like.

Interests are in avoiding suffering We can have positive goals and we can also have negative goals, where we seek to avoid bad things. The degree to which people will choose one over another is affected by the attraction vs. avoidance preference that people have.

Bad stuff is usually more important and thus of greater immediate interest than good stuff. If you were in a bank and a robber came in, then most people would lie on the floor rather than tackle the man with the gun--discretion usually being the better part of valor.

Interests are in stimulating pleasure What we often consider as interest is stimulation of the pleasure zones in the brain. If I am interested in going to the movies, it is because all movies, as all entertainments, are designed just to cause that pleasure.

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This is a broad and general class of positive goals, where we are not particularly furthering our selves in life, rather the goals are about relaxation and the general seeking of immediate pleasures.

Many people drift through life with few driving goals. They accept the pleasures that fall in their path and try to avoid less pleasant things (which often include the uncomfortable truth).

Interests are not positions To work with and address the other person's interests, you have to first find them.

In negotiation, people often take fixed positions and defend them like castles, building logical and emotional fortifications behind which they hide and shoot down on all apparent assailants.

When two people or parties do this, you have a long battle of attrition, with the victor having a hollow victory, with the vanquished other person complying only because they have been beaten, and not because they are really enthused.

Taking a 'position' is clearly not the solution. The real solution is to find out the interests behind the position and then find other ways of addressing those interests.

Seek the goals When people take positions or their interests are unclear, ask what they are trying to achieve with those positions. Assume that they have goals which are valid and real, at least for them (and if they have not thought about it, for their subconscious).

Beware of coldly asking 'why'--you don't want to sound like the Spanish Inquisition.

Gentle probing is usually a much more effective method.

So what?

Find out their interests by asking questions and watching for the visible signals. Look for the WIIFM factor (What's In It For Me?). Also find their priorities amongst interests and their preferences for avoiding pain vs. seeking pleasure.

You now have a list of their hot and cold buttons, which you can press deliberately for desired effects. Pressing buttons accidentally is a great way of turning a potential convert into a certain antagonist.

INVESTMENT PRINCIPLE If I have invested in something, I do not want to waste that investment. Investing in something, by the way, includes not only money, but also (and particularly) time and emotion.

When someone makes an investment in something, it is because they have predicted the future and decided that the investment of time, energy (and possibly money) is worthwhile. They have also included gaining a return on that investment into their goals.

Self and mourning An investment brings that thing closer to me and makes it a part of my sense of Identity, particularly if I attach emotional meaning to it. It becomes a part of me, and to detach it is remove a part of my self, such that I will feel a sense of loss and will go through a mourning process. Thoughts about this are often enough to dissuade any easy disinvestment.

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Public commitment If I have made a public commitment to something then going against that commitment will show me to be lack consistency and hence appear two-faced or a poor decisionmaker. Hence I will be very unhappy to have to pull out, and especially so if that public commitment was to people who I respect and whose respect and support I will need in the future.

Pulling out Because we have invested in something, it does not mean we will never pull out of it, and the Investment Model explains how we are constantly assessing the situation to determine whether we should stay or cut our losses and leave.

So what?

Get the other person to invest time and energy. It can be small at first, but then the commitment caused by that small investment can be used to gain further investment and so on.

Make the investment complex, including their thoughts, ideas, time and money. Get them to do things, to become physically involved. In particular, get them to make public commitments and to invest in highly visible acts.

LOGIC PRINCIPLE What makes sense must be true.

In our non-stop quest to understand and control the world around us, we seek rational truth that makes sense to us. Logic uses evidence and scientific laws with cause-andeffect arguments to incontrovertibly prove a point.

Social logic Our need to appear rational with others brings much logic into our discussions where we attribute causes to events and actions. The actual truth and real logic are often relatively unimportant as compared with the social benefits of appearing rational.

Conversations and debates are filled with people who are desperately seeking to impose their logic over that of others and aggression often replaces rationale, particularly if they feel that the other person's logic is superior. A cold, logical argument may thus fail to convince others.

For logic to be most effective, there thus needs to be additional work done to manage emotions.

False logic Logic is not always logical. What persuades us is the appearance of logic rather than something that follows the strict rules of argumentation.

False logic appears in such ways as: 

Convoluted rationale that confuses and hence leads the listener to assume it is true.



Bold assertions of logic ('It makes sense, doesn't it?' or 'It stands to reason that...').



False data that follow logical rules and inevitably lead to false results. (The focus on the logic often acts to distract from the false data.)

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So what?

Understand the real logic of both your and their arguments. Also understand the social and emotional situation.

OBJECTIVITY PRINCIPLE Standing back decreases emotion and increases logic.

Have you ever been in a conversation where the other person said something like 'Let's look at this in another way? If you stand back and look at the problem objectively, it seems less important.’? Taking an objective stance has a calming effect, helping people to see things as they really are or from a different viewpoint.

Objectivity works in two ways. First, it helps to remove emotion, allowing people to think more rationally. The other use of objectivity is that it provides neutral territory that allows an equitable discussion to take place.

When we say 'be objective' we typically mean a number of things: 

Be unemotional, not getting agitated or distressed in any way.



See things as they really are, not from a personally biased viewpoint.



Be neutral, understanding both points of view.

An objective viewpoint is thus more realistic, fairer and far more likely to be result in an agreeable resolution to human differences.

Subjectivity Objectivity is the opposite of subjectivity. A person who has a subjective viewpoint sees things only from their own position, complete with all biases, internal mental models and so on.

The problem with a subjective point of view is that it is invariably different from everyone else's subjective viewpoint.

Removal of emotion Think of a time when you were upset or angry. Relive the experience, seeing things through your own eyes again. Notice how you start to re-experience the emotions. Now imagine floating out of your body and looking down on the scene. Notice now how the emotions are less.

Standing back and literally seeing the situation from an external viewpoint has the very useful property of removing emotion. This is a very helpful tool for calming people down and assisting them to think more rationally.

Neutral territory A big attraction of an objective viewpoint is that it is neutral territory on which both people can meet. In particular, it plays to our need for fairness.

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The neutrality of an objective view lets us both look from the same position, and if we cannot do this then at least we can get someone else to do it. This is the role played mediators, judges and other intermediaries who stand in the third place.

The third position In a conversation or relationship there are three positions. The first position is me, my subjective self. The second position is you, the other person, and your subjective viewpoint. In argument and discussion we tend to see only these two positions. But there is a third.

The third position is the objective viewpoint, as a neutral observer watching the discussion from outside. Anyone watching the conversation is, of course, in the third position. Either or both of the participants can also find this third position.

So what?

When you are being wound up or drawn into a discussion, take the objective third position. Stand back and look down on the situation. Take time to understand both yourself and the other person.

You can do the same for the other person, helping them to take a more objective position.

You can also do the reverse, dragging the other person down into the subjective and emotional position from which they cannot see what is happening in the bigger picture.

PERCEPTION PRINCIPLE Perception is reality. So manage perception.

The reality in which each of use lives is based on how we create meaning and hence perceive the world around us. Perception is often a long way from reality, but what changes our mind is what Beliefs and models What I see is based on what I believe is really there and the models of reality that I have created. Many studies have shown that our minds helpfully will ignore bizarre and unexpected things in what we see.

If you try to persuade me using things that I do not accept or understand, then I will not be persuaded, even though the evidence you offer may be overwhelming.

So what?

So manage perception before reality. Work from what people believe. Stand (and walk a mile) in their shoes. Fit what you say into their mental models. Use their language.

PULL PRINCIPLE Lead them such that they choose to act.

Pulling a person in motivation means creating conditions that they have chose themselves.

It means showing them how something else will be beneficial to them. It means them deciding rather than just you deciding.

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Most methods of persuasion are based on creating pull rather than push, which is generally coercive in nature.

Creating desire Pull creates desire. It is about making the other person want what you are offering. It is subtly changing how they perceive the world such that they see what you have and want it. Once you have created desire, then the internal tension set up in the other person will lead them in the right direction.

Push and Pull Push and pull is a matched pair: Pushing is the stick to the carrot of pulling. It is fishing rather than shooting. It is selling as opposed to the telling of push methods. It is creating desire rather than creating fear. It is creating attraction rather than repulsion.

In business motivation, pushing is a management method whilst pulling is used by leaders.

Pulling is more difficult than pushing, but is ultimately more effective. When you push, you do not know what direction the other person will take. It is like the sheepdog running into the flock of sheep: they all head off in different directions. Pulling has just one direction. It is like being the shepherd, towards whom his flock will move.

Use push and pull together: Push just to break people away from their current position.

This will cause confusion, after which you can much more easily pull them. This method is used by martial artists in such as Aikido and Tai Chi Chuan.

So what?

Learn to pull. Much of this site is about pulling.

Creating pull means creating desire. Creating desire means knowing not only what people want but how they decide what they want, and working at this process level.

Also balance push with pull. Sometimes people need a shove to get them going.

PUSH PRINCIPLE I force you to act, whether you want to do it or not. You feel no option but to obey.

No choice Many forms of persuasion seek to change what people believe such that they act through their own free will. In a push approach, although physical force may not be used, the people feel they are obliged to comply even though may be against their better judgment.

Non-physical push For non-physical pushing, you need power or authority that impacts the needs that the other person. The level of threat needs to be high enough that they feel obliged to comply with your request. In a company this can be the power to dismiss, demote or sideline them.

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In business, pushing appears when managers tell their subordinates what to do (as opposed to creating pull by selling them on the idea).

Physical coercion For physical coercion, all you need is to be stronger than them. In countries, the police and military forces have a high coercive capability and are the ultimate tools of government for assuring order in their country. Within companies, security organizations play a similar role. With children, adults’ physical size gives that power. Between individual adults, coercion can be carried out with physical size, strength, knowledge of martial arts or the use of weapons.

Companies need coercion to eject intruders and the occasional employee who lose control of themselves. In practice, it can be bad publicity and companies will do their best to avoid any form of direct force.

Governments use coercive methods to control and contain criminals (who themselves tend to push more than pull). They also use it in war with their neighbors and enemies, whether they are the aggressor or the defender.

So what?

Although not the best moral approach, sometimes push methods are necessary and sometimes it is used as the easy short-term option. Everything has its price, however, and pushing can cost more in such as the longer-term betrayal effects.

Generally speaking, pushing should be minimized wherever possible. Use it only where the greater effort of pulling is inappropriate.

If your child is about to run out into traffic then grabbing them is a prudent form of physical coercion. Parents also face endless dilemmas where pushing may seem necessary. Teenagers tend to listen to their peers more than their parents and parents sometimes fall into push methods to hopefully keep their hormone-ridden children on the straight and narrow.

Pushing works best in situations where you want people to move from their current positions if you use it just to get them moving. For example, you may show them how they will lose their jobs if do not engage in the change activities.

REPETITION PRINCIPLE If something happens often enough, I will eventually be persuaded.

Play it again, Sam. Music repeated gets under our skin. Advertisements repeated replay themselves when we see the product. Repetition of things has a distinct effect on us.

Familiarity Repetition creates familiarity, but does familiarity breed contempt? Although it can happen, the reality is that familiarity leads to liking in far more case than it does to contempt. When we are in a supermarket, we are far more likely to buy familiar brands, even if we have never tried the product before. Advertisers know this very well.

Not scarcity

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An effect that can happen is that repetition repeals any scarcity effect, making something initially less attractive. When I work with a famous person, my initial state of being overawed might soon be replaced by dislike of their annoying habits. With time, however (if they are not too obnoxious) I will probably get used to them and even get to appreciate and like the better parts of their nature.

Understanding Repetition can also lead to understanding, as it gives time for the penny to drop. What at first may be strange, after repeated exposure becomes clear and understandable.

This is important for companies bringing innovative new products to the market where users may initially unfamiliar with the product or its usage.

Memory Remember learning your multiplication tables at junior school? We have to repeat things more than once for them to finally sink into our memories. Our short-term memories are notoriously short-term and can forget something (like a person's name) in less than a second. Repetition is one of getting things into longer-term memory.

Convincing Some people just have to do things several times before they make up their mind. Think about the last time you bought a pair of shoes. Did you pick them then put them down several times before trying them on. Did you come back to try them again? If so, you are in good company. Many people have to repeat things several times before they get convinced. Three times is a common number.

Sharp sales people know this when they show you something then something else, then back to the first thing a few times.

Nagging We can also get persuaded in a negative repetitive way. All children know that if they repeat a request often enough, their parents will cave in. Some remember this when they grow up and get married--the nagging spouse is a legendary icon.

Cues As Pavlov discovered with his dogs, with repetition you can connect a cue or trigger with a selected action. This can be a color, a shape, a tune or a host of other things. The ideal that advertisers search for is that when you see the product in the shop, the pleasant or funny feelings that the advert evoked are re-awoken, making you somehow want to buy the product (and preferably lots of it!).

Music A core principle of music is repetition. It appears in runs, trills and stanzas, as well as in pounding rock rhythms and dance music.

People dancing in clubs and waltz-halls commonly go into trance-like states. Music, rhythm and repetition have a hypnotic effect that can lull people into following a pattern in unthinking ways.

So what?

Use friendly repetition to create familiarity and hence liking. Use it to help the other person remember the things you want them to remember. And whilst you are at it, associate the repetition with a trigger that can re-stimulate good feelings.

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Some people have a greater or lesser number of times something needs to happen for them to be convinced. Find out this number by discussing with them times in the past when they became convinced.

SCARCITY PRINCIPLE I want now what I may not be able to get in the future.

If something is difficult to get, then getting it demonstrates to ourselves and others that we are in control of our environment. Threatening to take something away is showing the other person that you are in control. The desire of scarcity is thus the competitive urge to maintain control.

Controlling supply and demand If you can control supply, then you have a significant lever on demand. The De Beers Company buys huge quantities of diamonds on the world market, simply to keep them scarce so that their high price is maintained.

Scarcity must mean that If something is not scarce, then it is not desired or valued that much. Praises from a teacher who seldom praises are valued more than praises from a teacher who is liberal with his or her praise.

Scarcity is non-linear process. As something becomes more scarce or less scarce, the desire for it does not change in a proportionate way.

If everything is scarce, then scarcity itself lacks its value and people become too used to it. Studies of retail sales have shown that if more than about 30% of goods have 'sale' sticker on them, the effectiveness of this method decreases.

Retail sales 'Whilst stocks last', 'This week only', 'Last one!'. Scarcity is a principle known by all retailers who milk it right down to the last drop. If something is rare, it seems we find it somehow more desirable.

A shortage of anything sends people scurrying to the shops to stock up (often fueling the shortage and keeping the spiral going).

Banned substances Scarcity is the lack of something. When we realize that we do not have something, we desire it. Banning it only makes things worse.

Just telling someone that they should not do something makes it more desirable. When 'Lady Chatterley's Lover' was first published it got banned. Many black-market copies were sold and it made the author, D. H. Lawrence, famous.

People flock to see a heavily censored film. Music which is banned on radio stations shoots up the charts.

Competitive pressures Competition uses the scarcity principle, as only one person or team can win. This also highlights the social nature of scarcity: we judge ourselves against others. When they have things we do not, we become jealous.

Parent-child games

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Parents often try to control children in their rationing of attention and affection. Children soon pick up on this and play the game in reverse.

The natural rebelliousness of teenagers comes out in scarcity games as parents restricting what their children actually cause them to rebel. 'Don't you dare take those drugs' may actually be the wrong thing to say, particularly if the child has a contrarian preference.

This game continues in other forms as we grow to adulthood, and telling people not do to things perpetuates the 'banned substances' game.

So what?

You can ration pretty much anything, including goods, time, attention, friendliness, agreement and so on.

Create envy, showing how people have what you are selling. Indicate how the supply is running short as everyone else getting one.

SIMILARITY PRINCIPLE We trust people who are like us or who are similar to people we like.

When we are trying to decide whether to trust someone, we often do not have time to find out how trustworthy they actually are, so we take a short-cut by assuming that someone who is either similar to us or who is similar to someone we would trust.

We seek similarity in beliefs, values, attitudes, and ways of thinking, understanding and deciding. We also look for short-cuts in physical appearance, words and actions.

So what?

Show that you are similar to the other person or similar to the sort of person they would trust. Dress like them, talk like them, and otherwise show how similar you are to them.

Dress alternatively like a person they would respect, such as a senior manager (hence wear nice clothes, be well-groomed, etc.).

SPECIFICITY PRINCIPLE 1. When you make specific statements, I will either fully understand or reject what you say.

2. When you make non-specific statements, I will fill in the gaps.

Being specific When we are specific in what we say, we seek to remove ambiguity, communicating completely and precisely.

Specific language uses words that have single meaning and uses complete sentences, leaving nothing to the imagination.

Being non-specific When we use specific statements, the other person will assess the alignment of what we say with what they believe, their internal schema and so on. If they do not match, then they may well reject what we say. This may well include throwing the baby out with the bathwater as they not only reject one part of our argument but everything else we say.

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The more specific that we are the greater the opportunity for rejection. The reverse is also true: the more general, uncertain and vague we are, the more difficult it is to reject or deny what we say.

Attempts at clarification When we are given non-specific statements, we will try to clarify these, making them more specific. Thus, consider this simple sentence: There is a need for good work.

In this sentence, it is not clear what the need is, what the work is, who needs it (and why), who will do the work and so on. Yet it is a valid statement and grammatically correct. To make specific sense of it, however, we need to make assumptions and add further detail, substituting our own specificity for the lack of clarity in the statement.

When things are vague, people feel a lack of closure. Their need for completion will thus cause them to add further elements to complete a story that makes full sense.

Putting themselves in the story When you talk about other people, and particularly when you talk generally about them, the other person will substitute themselves into the story.

So what?

When you want to get clear and specific communications to people, use clear and exact language. Then question them carefully to check that they have fully understood.

To get someone to accept without question what you are saying, talk in vague, general terms which the other person can clarify into their own specific circumstances. Leave out who does things, what they do, how they do it, what happens as a result and so on. The other person will fill in to best fit their situation.

When others are non-specific, question them more closely, probing for further detail, perhaps using Socratic questioning methods. Look at what they omit and what they assume.

SUBSTITUTION PRINCIPLE When I hear a story, I will substitute myself into the position of key story characters.

Empathy and identification Whenever we hear or experience a story in which we feel empathy towards characters in the story, as a part of that experience of empathy, we put ourselves into the shoes of the other person, associating and identifying with them, seeing through their eyes and feeling something of their emotions.

Thus we substitute ourselves as other people in specific situations, and in doing so take on the broader characteristics, beliefs and values of those people.

Teaching tales

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'Teaching tales' are deliberate story forms that seek to create learning, often through getting the person to associate with lead characters. Such stories are much easier to accept than teaching by telling the person what to do, as it allows them to save face.

So what?

Create stories, sentences and situations into which people are encouraged to put themselves in. Do this with generalized statements about people or using sympathetic characters with whom the other person will identify.

Substitute the other person yourself into a story, telling them how similar what they have done, are doing or will do, is to another person you know. This binds together the other person and the character in your story. Then tell more about the story person and about what they did that failed and what they did that worked.

SURPRISE PRINCIPLE When what happens is not what I expect, I have to rethink my understanding of the world.

One way we manage the world is to make an educated guess as to what comes next and then see if we were right. This constant forecasting process allows us to make the right decision as to what to do next.

Surprise happens when what happens does not match what we expected or forecast would happen.

Nasty surprises When what we expect is more than what happens in reality, we are disappointed. And the more we expect and the further away reality is from our expectations, the nastier the surprise.

Our emotional reaction to a nasty surprise can range from a mild disappointment to deep shock. Emotional ripples can spread further, with seething resentment and vengeance sought against the perpetrators of the surprise.

Generally speaking, nasty surprises will evoke the fight or flight reaction.

Nice surprises When reality exceeds our expectations, we are pleasantly surprised. A warm glow spreads across us. We feel lucky or honored.

When the reality is far from expectations, our legs can weaken as the disbelief of shock affects us. You see this in TV shows where prize winners and surprise recipients almost collapse with delight.

It is actually possible for a nice surprise to backfire and turn into a nasty surprise, for example when the recipient feels they are being manipulated or when the sense of obligation is felt to be excessive.

Neutral surprises As Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. And sometimes a surprise is just surprising. When a person falls over in front of us or a news item tells of snowstorm in summer, we are surprised, but find it neither nice nor nasty.

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A common response to surprises that do not directly affect us is laughter. Humor is a strange thing, but seems to be a response to unexpected events (which is probably why jokes are only funny the first time we hear them).

Surprise causes learning When our forecast does not meet reality, we may be surprised this time, but we won't be caught out next time! So we change our forecasting to account for the new things we have learned about how the world works.

Surprise causes inner change When we change our forecasting, we seldom do it by changing the actual process.

Instead, we change such things as our models of how the world works, and our beliefs about ourselves and other people.

Surprise causes denial 'Well, I'm not surprised!' is a common retort by people to whom all kinds of surprisingly different things happen. A simple way we avoid embarrassment is to pretend that we are not surprised, and that we had expected the surprising event to happen after all.

The danger of denial is that we are so good at it that we convince ourselves that we were not surprised and hence don't change!

So what?

So manage the surprises. If the other person is surprised, it should be because you want them to be. It should be because you have a pretty good idea as to how they are going to react to the surprise.

Manage expectations and reality Managing their expectations means:  Understand what their current expectations are.  Understand how they predict the future, including their mental models and beliefs around the area of interest.  Subtly guiding their expectations.  Creating a reality that is different from what they expect.

Use nasty surprises to move people Nasty surprises can be used to shake people out of a complacent state. When they are clinging to their current comfortable position and refusing to see another point of view, a short shock can be effective at awakening them from their slumbers.

Use nasty surprises with care, lest they rebound on you. A fight reaction can easily get out of control and a flight reaction can make them run away from you. Play the bearer of bad news, but beware of being that bad news.

You can create nasty surprises by:  Telling them they cannot have what they want.  Shouting at them (when you are normally timid).  Telling them the awful truth.

Nice surprises lead to exchange Nice surprises will predispose the other person towards you, setting up the exchange effect. Make them feel good and they'll be happy to return the favor.

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You can create nice surprises by:  Promising them something, and then giving them more than promised.  Not promising them anything, just giving them something pleasant.  Praising them.

Neutral surprises lead to interest You can intrigue people by being, saying or doing something different. A neutral surprise can be an effective hook that pulls people in, leaving them wanting more.

You can create neutral surprises by:  Being different from other people.  Being different from how you normally are.  Being different from what they expect.

You can also be humorous or otherwise cause a surprise that grabs their attention.

TENSION PRINCIPLE I will act to reduce the tension gaps I feel.

Tension is probably the fundamental driving force that moves us to change and is at the heart of virtually all persuasion techniques. Think of the 'good cop-bad cop' routine. What about all those retail displays that show you the things you don't have? How about a baby crying in a pitch that nature has tuned to crawl up your spine?

How it feels Tension is a feeling. Although usually internally sensed as an emotion, it actually is physical tension, where your muscles tense up involuntarily. It is uncomfortable and makes you want to do something to reduce the tension.

Emotions that are felt as tension include: irritation, anger, fear, emptiness, hunger, longing, wishing, discomfort, anticipation.

Between two things Tension happens between two things, like the hooks at either end of a stretched rubber band, such as:  

What I have not got and what I want.

What I like and what I do not like.

  

What is good and what is bad.

What I think of myself and what others think of me.

What I do and what I believe I am.

The creation of tension is thus the identification of two contrasting items and the communication of this difference to the person being persuaded. It may seem very simple, but this is the bare core of most persuasion methods.

Present and future The most common things that cause tension in persuasive situations are based in the present and in the future, whereby a given future is considered more desirable than the

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present, and where the desirable future requires us to act to change the continuation of the present. For example the action to change the undesirable present of not having a car is to go out and buy one.

Needs gap If I threaten you physically, I have created a gap for you between your deep need for safety and the near-term future. Likewise if you tell me that you are no longer going to be my friend, you have created an identity needs gap for me.

As needs are deep-programmed things, they will often be the most powerful gaps and hence most motivating. When there are many tension-creating gaps, needs gaps will take precedence. Likewise when there are many needs gaps, then the deeper needs, such as those lower in Maslow's Hierarchy will come first.

Values gap Values provide us rules for living that maintain our sense of personal integrity and allow us to live within the shared rules of a group of other people. Values tell us what we should and should not do, what is right and wrong, and what is more or less important.

When values are transgressed, we feel a sense of wrongness. If it is others who have violated the values, then we feel righteous, superior and indignant. When it is we who have wronged, then we feel shamed, guilty and fear the retribution of others in the group.

As we are very socially driven, values gaps are very powerful and the tension we feel may only be exceeded by that for needs gaps.

Goals gap We build our goals as ways to achieve our needs. When we do not achieve goals as expected or seem to be off-track on our way there, we feel frustrated and annoyed.

The typical response to a goals gap is to redouble efforts, repeating what we have done.

For example most people, when confronted with a foreigner who does not understand them, will repeat the same words, perhaps louder or slower. Only when the 'do it again' approach does not work do we change the strategy or tactics to achieve our goals. The frustration of the confused foreigner will either drive us to blame him or her for stupidity and walk away or resort to such as written diagrams or miming.

We will only revise our goals when we realize that there is very little chance of us achieving them. Revising goals creates tension itself as it is an admission of failure (and hence not meeting the need to win).

Positive and negative Tension can be both positive and negative for us. There are many ways we can be made to feel unpleasantly uncomfortable, but there are also ways in which scariness can be pleasant, such as riding on roller-coasters.

The anticipation when queuing up to see a new movie or the excitement of the story once we are inside are pleasant feelings. On the other hand, there are many ways we can be made to feel It is also possible to get positive and negative tension mixed up. Many people hate rollercoasters, even though they know they are perfectly safe. More hazardously, people can get stuck in damaging cycles, such as battered wives who become addicted to the abuse

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of their husbands (who are often also psychologically locked into the damaging behavioral pattern).

Achieving or avoiding We respond in two ways to tension, depending on how we view the two factors that are creating the tension. If we focus more strongly on a desirable future then this will pull us towards it as we seek to achieve that future. On the other hand, if we focus first on the undesirable present, they this has the effect to push us away from it as we seek to avoid a future where the discomfort remains.

Satisfying If the tension is strong enough, we will not search for the best solution, we will simply grab at the first one that comes along that will do the job, even if there may be better solutions out there. This is called satisfying.

Positive attraction Anticipation can be a powerful and exciting force and we look forward to expected moments of pleasure. In fact the anticipation can be more enjoyable than the actual experience--'It is better to travel hopefully than to arrive', as author Robert Louis Stephenson said.

So what?

So once you have created sufficient trust, build the tension that will create movement.

Find the two things that will create tension, often around an uncomfortable present and a more desirable future. Understand how, when and where the person will move and design your tensions system to move them in the right direction.

THREAT PRINCIPLE If my deep needs are threatened, I will act to protect them.

A threat works by attacking deep needs. Needs are so fundamental that, when they are threatened, we forget our higher aspirations and quickly act to protect ourselves.

Threats may include that of physical punishment, but more usually they are cognitive and social in nature. One of the biggest such threats is that of social exclusion, which affects our belonging needs.

In particular, threats act on our sense of control, as the person doing the threatening is effectively taking control of our lives and preventing us from controlling our own destiny.

Behavioral change Threats do not change minds, but they are often very effective at changing how people act, at least in the short term.

Threats are used at least by the criminal classes and those who lack the finer subtleties, as an effective method of coercion. If your or your family may be harmed, then you will go to great lengths to protect them.

Threats are also surprisingly common in such as family situations. Parents who are tired or stressed and want children to 'behave' will use many variants on the threat. Children of course learn this behavior and use it back with parents and also with peers and other people. And so it goes on.

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The backlash The problems with threats are that they can cause a tremendous backlash in terms of the anger and other negative emotions that are aroused. Where a trust is betrayed, such as when a confidence is used against a person, their anger and hate can be very significant.

So what?

You can use threats to cause short-term behavioral change, but be very aware that it can have a significant negative effect, including a long-term need for vengeance and subtle acts of revenge.

TRUST PRINCIPLE If I trust you, I will accept what you say as true and expose my vulnerabilities to you.

Trust is the basic unit of social glue that enables us to interact without fear.

No harm I will trust and work with people who do not harm me. You can be passive or active in your approach to harm.

Passive no-harm is when you do not actively or deliberately act to harm me. However, you might still stand by and let others harm me, so active no-harm is where you act positively to protect me from harm. Of course, I will trust an active protector even more than a passive 'no harm' friend.

Reliability If you always do what you say you are going to do, it makes your behavior very predictable, which means I can feel even safer around you. It also means that if I ask you do something I do not need to keep checking up on you.

Truth I do not know everything and may lean on your expertise. If you always tell me the truth then I know that I can rely on what you say and not have to do any further checking up.

Truth and reliability also extend to the whole notion of 'integrity', where a person is true to their values and follows common social norms.

So what?

Build trust by:  Doing no harm and actively seek to protect people, demonstrating that you care about them personally.  

Managing expectations and always keeping your promises.

Always telling the truth and actively maintaining your reputation for integrity.

UNDERSTANDING PRINCIPLE If I understand you, then I can be more accurate in my interactions with you.

Understanding another person is perhaps the second most difficult thing to do (the most difficult thing is understanding yourself).

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People are driven by complex and deep motivations that if you can understand you can support and shape.

They have limited capabilities and are shaped by past events in their lives - many of the early ones of which may have been, at the time, traumatic.

They infer meaning that is different from what is really happening and formulate intent using faulty logic and decision processes.

They have differing preferences that lead them to behave as different 'personality types'. ...and all you need to do is understand all this.

So what?

Always spend as much time as possible trying to understand people such that you can explain their past actions and predict their likely future actions.

Demonstrating your understanding, when coupled with care and concern, is a powerful way of building trust.

When talking with them, use the same language and models as them, so they can understand what you say in their own terms.

You can also use your understanding to build tension and hence persuade them.

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