14 minute read
So, tell me again — what role do you play?
We are living in very interesting times. Trust me, I use the word “interesting” loosely. There are other adjectives that may sit better with you, and if so, insert it/them where applicable. I don’t mind at all.
One moment we were “kinda-sorta” getting in the groove of showing up for ourselves, following our dreams, listening to our intuition, silencing the inner and outer critics, while juggling and caring for our families. We were raising our kids, caring for our parents, planning date-nights while robotically repeating “self-care is essential, self-care is essential, self-care is essential.” And in the next minute, shit hits the fan— all of it.
Here we are in the Year 2020 sitting in the midst of “stuff.” What in the world is going on? I have wrestled with the message I wanted to share in this article. I mean, technically, I am the “Money Lady”—a Stockbroker, Investment Adviser, Insurance Broker and Financial Planner, all rolled into one pretty little package—so I “should” be writing about, uh, money. But let us set the “should” aside for a moment.
Hyacinth Henderson
In fact, most of us have been setting the “shoulds” aside for the past 60 to 90 days. COVID-19 came through and tossed out all the “shoulds” and “woulds” that we had planned for ourselves. Now that we agree (thank you, by the way) that it is okay to kick “should” to the curb, I would like to use this space to ask a very important question, “What role do you play?”
Role – /rōl/
Noun – the function assumed or part played by a person or thing in a particular situation
As I started pondering this question, I immediately thought about titles. Just as soon as I started thinking that, a little voice quickly nudged me and said, “Aht, aht, aht, Hyacinth, roles are different from titles.” You can have a title and not understand the role. So I paused and ate an avocado at my desk without a plate (sorry, Mom), while allowing more thoughts to pour in.
Oh shoot, that little voice is right. Roles are different from titles. Think about the state of the world right now. There is no doubt things are shifting and that the shift is uncomfortable. Be reminded though, things become less uncomfortable when you let go. When you let go—in this case—of releasing the idea of how you thought things were going to go, the discomfort can begin to subside.
Presently, many folks are largely hanging on to titles instead of focusing on their roles. When you are clear on the role you play in the world, you can begin to understand that titles mean absolutely nothing. Translation: You may have lost your job, been furloughed or chose to close your business, but that does not mean you are not valuable. You are. You are valuable and you bring value to the spaces you fill.
Read this slowly: You still have a role to play in "The World."
Now let’s figure out what that is.
The easiest way to understanding of the difference between roles and titles is to review and assess some of the roles you currently play. I am going to assume that most of you who read this magazine are women. Think about some of the titles commonly held by women —daughter, mother, wife. Although these are common titles, each of us show up and play our roles differently.
For example, I bear the title of daughter to my Dad and daughter to my Mom. But the roles I play in each of their lives is vastly different. My mother is disabled. She lives with me. I have been her caregiver for the past 13 years. At 59, she is relatively young.
On the other hand, my role with my Dad is vastly different. It largely consists of me telling him to watch what he eats while discussing ways to reach more people with our business. Here is the thing: I did not accept and own my role as my mother’s caregiver until more than 11 years after she became disabled. I was stuck on my title as daughter, not my role as caregiver, and I held resentment.
Sure, I was ushering her to doctors’ appointments and making sure she was fed, but I did not own my role until after years of running our lives with my head in the clouds. The moment I owned my role as caregiver, I began to show up for her and myself in a manner in which I never thought possible. Our relationship drastically changed.
I will use myself as an example again. Sure, my professional titles are Stockbroker, Investment Adviser, Insurance Broker and Financial Planner, but my role is to help people gain understanding and help them feel empowered. I help people understand self and feel empowered to make prudent financial decisions, so they do not run out of money.
When I understand the role behind the titles, focus becomes less about increasing The Firms AUM (fancy acronym for how much money we manage) and more about educating, enlightening and empowering people. It gives me the freedom to show up in unconventional and unimaginable ways. See the difference?
It is your turn now. I have created a process for us to work through this together: 1. Make a list of all the titles you carry.
I have already given you three possibilities. Others may include friend, leader, mentor, etc. I know many of you are “Chief Figure It Out Officers,” but for this exercise, I would like for you to breakdown some of the things you figure out and identify the associated title. I recommend writing one title per sheet of paper. 2. Write down your definition of the titles you identified. 3. Research the definition of the titles you listed and write down the definitions you discovered. 4. Compare and contrast your definition with the definitions found online. Jot down things or messages that resonate with you. 5. Each day (or week), select one title and ask yourself how you are showing up for the selected title and identify the role you actively play. Are you just carrying the title or are you really engaged in the role? Are there tweaks that can be made? Do you want to show up differently? Is there room for you to be more intentional in that role?
6.
Repeat this process as often as you are led to. I personally like intentional journaling on one focus for seven days before moving on to the next one. I know we all process differently. A new title a day may work best for you.
As you go through this exercise, you will come to rediscover a lot about yourself. I say “rediscover” because your inner-being already knows this stuff—you may have just forgotten about it. Humans have a funny way of doing that. As you rediscover things about yourself, you will start to own that you are more than a title. You are here for a purpose. You have a role to play. And although all types of things are happening around us, there is still room for you in the world.
The bonus work is for you to tap-in to ways to play your role on a larger scale. Go on and venture outside of your comfort zone and play your roles in front of strangers (aka, friends you have not met yet). Doing the bonus work can potentially lead you to a new mission—and by mission, I mean a new business idea, a new job, or whatever else your heart desires.
I have a gift for you
To see what it is, visit my website at www.HyacinthHenderson.com. I would love to hear from you. If you want to stay in touch, call me at 305-825-1444, or email me at HH@HyacinthHenderson.com.
If you are a social media person, you can find me on these platforms: YouTube: www.Youtube.Com/HyacinthHenderson LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/hyacinth-henderson Facebook: www.facebook.com/HyacinthLikeTheFlower
I Am Enough How struggle becomes our strength
What are the obstacles that stop us from living or doing our best? It is our limiting beliefs. Think of a limiting belief you are struggling with—one you find creeping into your mind at any different time. It may be something you held on to for years or one you are just now recognizing. Whatever the belief, acknowledge it in your mind.
It is okay to feel stuck, but it is never okay to stay stuck. One of the limiting beliefs that I struggled with for so many years was that I was not enough. For years, it caused me to live a life without meaning and purpose.
I have been a mental health therapist for the past 15 years. In 2012, at the age of 33, I decided to join the service. I earned the commission as a Captain in the United States Air Force. I moved from Michigan to California to begin the next chapter of my new and exciting life.
Then the “one,” the man of my dreams appeared. Within 11 months, we were married. I was finally living my dream life. That was enough. At least that is what I thought.
Within six months, thing began to change. The person who once seemed to adore me, now was annoyed by me. Mr. N, as I like to call him, became increasingly unhappy and angry. He started criticizing me, and telling me I was crazy, delusional and untrustworthy. He began lying, making me feel anxious and treating me not as his wife, but as his enemy.
The insults and threats shattered my self-esteem. But it was not long before Mr. N’s lies surfaced. I discovered he had been having an affair for 14 months of our two-and-a-half-year marriage. Despite all of the atrocious things he did, he treated me like “the enemy.” Mr. N refused to be accountable, was not genuinely remorseful, and despite being so caring and concerned for my well-being in the past, treated me as if I did not exist.
The man who used to “adore me like no other,” made me believe I was “the crazy one.” I was blamed for all of our relationship’s problems—no matter how much I tried to explain, prove, fix things or justify myself. I cannot tell you how many times he told me how wrong I was, how bad I was, and how everything was my fault.
He had everyone believe I was the reason our relationship was not working. He convinced our friends and family that I was a liar and a horrible person, and that he was the abused one. The perpetual insults, micro-managing, distrust, put downs and threats shattered my self-esteem and confidence.
Mr. N filed for divorce in 2014 and pulled the papers three different times. He kicked me out of our home on two different occasions, but would always ask me to come back. I wanted to make the marriage work despite all the craziness and chaos, but he eventually followed through with our divorce, which became final in 2016. I walked away with nothing but my wedding ring, a ton of debt and a shattered heart.
Mr. N stayed in my life for the next two years. He would tell me he missed me, saying the divorce was the wrong decision. We even went out on a few dates. I believed everything he said, and allowed him to come in and out of my life and control me. I was still fully committed to him even after he divorced me.
Despite the horrific abuse I dealt with, I stubbornly clung to the dream. I kept praying, fighting for, and clawing away to get him to return to the man I thought I had married. Like a drug addict, I kept seeing him and hid it, even after we were divorced. I lied to the people in my life I loved. I would stay away, then return over and over again—always praying things would be different this time.
I felt damaged and empty, and when I tapped into my inner being, the only message I received was: › “You’re worthless; you’re not wanted.” › And the worst one:
“You are not good enough.”
Even though I had been a mental therapist for over a decade, I did not realize the damage being done. In fact, the truth was I was involved in a narcissistic, abusive marriage.
In October 2018, I lost my six-figure income and, four months later, in February 2018, I learned I was the other woman this time. Mr. N had moved another woman into our house a month before our divorce was final and had been living there for the past two years. I did not even know she existed.
That was enough. After that realization, I was crushed. I felt shameful, hopeless and powerless.
So there I was holding my shattered heart and life in my hands. I had hit my rock bottom. There was nothing else to do but start over. I finally walked away from Mr. N for the last time on Feb. 15, 2018. That was when the true journey of regaining my strength from this struggle began.
I went into therapy and did the difficult trauma work. I learned that my closure had nothing to do with him, rather it had everything to do with me. I learned how to forgive myself. I no longer judge or blame myself.
The “old” me brought me to my knees and taught me how to release my internal blocks. It allowed me to begin living as the woman I knew I could be.
During my healing process, I wrote on a notecard why enough was enough. I began repeating this day after day. Every time I thought, “I’m not good enough,” out came the card.
I asked you earlier to think of a limiting belief that you are struggling with. Over the next 24 hours, write about the feelings that come up when you think about the limiting belief you wrote down.
Over the next week, or however long it takes, make a list of questions that challenge that belief. Ask yourself: › Why do I believe that? › Is this catastrophizing thinking?
› Who is telling me this? (99.9% of the time the source is you and you are never reliable when it comes to limiting self-beliefs)
Next, write out a positive affirmation about yourself and place it somewhere you will see it every day. When you hear yourself thinking or saying negative things, replace the thoughts by repeating a positive affirmation (you can also grab my top 100 positive affirmations at meganfenyoe.com/affirmations).
I cannot imagine where I would be today if I let all my struggles, negative thoughts, limiting beliefs and negative reactions take me out. I would probably still be in a fetal position on the floor crying. I have had to continuously “retrain” my brain over the years especially when I found myself up against a battle.
It may sound like a cliché to have complete closure after what I went through. I lost everything—the love of my life, my job, my home and I had to file for bankruptcy. But these tragedies gave me a specific strength. They gave me the power to take the next step in my life.
Now don’t get me wrong. I have still had struggles over the past two years. But the moment I allow myself to walk away from the abuse and say “yes” to me, everything changed.
In August 2018, I published my first book, "You Are Enough 5 Steps To Move From Struggle To Strength" and I became a best-selling author.
In February 2019, one year after walking away from Mr. N, I launched the international I Am Enough Movement, which empowers, encourages and educates women to find and release the strength we hold within.
In November 2019, the I Am Enough Movement became a 501c(3) Nonprofit Organization.
All of this happened in the last two years—all because I said "yes" to me.
You have to be 100% honest with yourself about the limiting self-beliefs keeping you stuck. Once you are able to identify these negative thoughts, you can boldly take the first step in changing those thoughts and reprogram new beliefs into your subconscious mind.
By doing this, you give yourself the chance to rewrite your story and shift your understanding of what is possible. You will see more potential and take more action. You will build confidence, strength and courage to go after what you want and know you deserve.
So, are you ready to start believing you are enough, and begin living a life full of passion and purpose? The time is now.
If you have one takeaway from this article, I hope that it is you are not where you want to be in your personal or professional life—there is a solution. That solution is you.
I encourage you to be bold every single day. Be brave. Be unapologetically you, because you are enough.
To order your free “I AM ENOUGH” visual coping cards, visit www.iamenoughmovement.info
