boiMAG.com "Married & Lonely"

by: Dr. Charla Waxman BS, MBA, EdD Director of Business Development Lake Behavioral Hospital

Marriage is supposed to be the antithesis of loneliness; that is to say that marriage is supposed to be about a relationship that is binding and rife with feeling of togetherness and companionship. For some, a marriage can become a place of loneliness and a place where one or both partners feel forgotten.

Perhaps the phrase “lonely in a crowded room” not only sounds familiar, but you feel like you are living it. Feeling lonely means that someone is feeling empty, detached, and sadly, without a supportive marriage partner; somebody to talk with, laugh with, and enjoy the experience of needed physical contact. Lonely means that there has been enough disengagement in a relationship so that one or both partners feel alone.

Time together can feel like just a convenience and spouses may feel unwanted or undesirable. Trying to talk about these feelings may result in what feels like not being heard and being pushed to the side. The idea that talking about this experience is not important or that feelings of loneliness are not validated only drives the wedge deeper.

From loneliness.org, “Being married offers no protection from the dangers of loneliness: Studies indicate that roughly 20% of the general population suffers from chronic loneliness at any given time, and in one recent study of older adults, 62.5% of people who reported being lonely were married and living with their partner.” Point well taken here; if you were thinking you are alone in feeling lonely in your marriage, you’re not.

Being in the same room with someone or even something as intimate as sleeping with someone does not mean that you can’t feel lonely. The feelings may have snuck up on you in such a way that you don’t even know the warning signs you may have missed. Consider these warning signs:

• You feel sad when you are with your partner and you have no idea what to say or how to make repairs.

• If it weren’t for the TV, no one would be talking. The house is eerily quiet and questions, like: “How was your day?” are a thing of the past. It seems like your partner wouldn’t care what the answer is anyway.

• Intimate relations of any kind are a rarity. You may have even lost track of the last time you had a real hug, a lengthy kiss, held hands watching TV, or had sex. Receiving heartfelt cards on birthdays and anniversaries are no longer a part of these special days. The relationship just feels empty.

• You look for reasons to be wherever your spouse isn’t. Your friends are your cell phone and maybe a good book.

You may have considered therapy, but the potential for being rejected is so high that cheating on your spouse might seem like a better solution. Sometimes all it takes to break the cycle of marital loneliness is a desire to make a change and sometimes professional help is necessary. Here are some things to try if the list above is a familiar way of living for you:

• Look within you first. Are there behaviors that are different with you, has anything traumatic occurred recently, or have you struggled with addiction? Can you share this selfassessment with your spouse and ask for help? Are you willing to start the process of repairs, making a few changes first?

• Ask for purposeful and planned time with your spouse. Talk about feelings; just yours, and ask if your spouse feels the same way. This is not a time for judgment, blame or dredging up past hurts. This is the here and now and feelings only! If you both are hurting, seek help together or make some plans for what will be different and stick to them. If you are alone in your feelings, let your spouse know what you think you need and let them know that you are willing to see a counselor to help you sort it through. Ask if they will support you as you seek help.

• Model what you want to experience and don’t feel cheated that you are the only one working on the problem. It can take time to bring back feelings of connection. Say what you need. SAY IT! If your needs are fulfilled or your spouse is making an effort, say thank you.

• Make a date night and leave your phone in your pocket! Try a game night. Try a puzzle night. Eat out one night a week. Keep trying things until you hit upon something that was just relaxing and fun. Say thank you.

• Find intimacy in baby steps. Hold hands, give a hug, write “I Love You on the mirror. Be inventive; create a feeling of togetherness whenever you can.

If everything results in nothing, seek help. Look for a marriage therapist who can specialize in what you need. Going together is optimal, but start alone if your spouse is initially unwilling. While this is happening, be kind and be patient to yourself and your spouse. Relationships take time to fall apart and take time to be put back together.

If you or someone you love is in crisis, seek help through a level of care assessment by calling Lake Behavioral Hospital at 855 990 1900. The team at Lake Behavioral is available 24/7/365 by appointment or by walk-in. They work with all insurances, managed Medicaid in Illinois and Wisconsin, and Tri-care. Make a call., they can help.

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