April Fools Issue
The Bolles Bugle Staff Editor-in-Chief: Kennedy McKinney
Letter From the Editor To access the letter, please press: Ctrl, Alt, and F6 in unison
Special Issues Editor: Claire Cywes Online Editor-In-Chief: Salma Shalaan
Enjoy! Claire Cywes Special Issues Editor-in-Chief
Copy Editor: Havana Frakes Writing Coach: Jisette Baquet Design Editor: Anisa Patel PR Editor: Jacqueline Emas Perspective Editor: Avani Bansal Coffeehouse Promoter: Gabe Bassin Contributing Writers: Ellie Anderson Kloe Brill Su Ertekin-Taner Taylor Ford Julia Johansen Thomas Keaveny Ian Peiris Soraya Rafat Anya Raheja Sarah Scherkenbach Ava Sickler Adviser: Ms. Jacobson Questions or comments, contact: jacobsona@bolles.org or bollesbugleonline@gmail.com Cover Design by Anisa Patel
Editorial Policy: The Bolles Bugle is the newsmagazine created by the journalism class at The Bolles School. Our publication focuses on increasing community awareness of in-school events and topics relating to the five news values: relevance, proximity, timeliness/ novelty, conflict/controversy, and human interest. Content in the Bugle is the responsibility of the editorial staff and not meant to reflect the views of the school’s administration or the student adviser. Please reach out to our faculty advisor, Ms. Jacobson, with any questions or comments. She can be reached at jacobsona@bolles.org or at bollesbugleonline@gmail.com. Copyright 2009-2018, The Bolles Bugle
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Table on Continents
South America Australia Antarctica Asia Africa Europe North America
ACADEMICS
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The Bolles Bugle
The Bolles School and San Jose Hotel™ Bolles School and San Jose Hotel™
All things
possible.
As of the first Monday of April, the Bolles School will officially become the Bolles School and San Jose Hotel™. There are no current plans of complete conversion to hotel status, and thus, cohabitation is currently expected. Unfortunately for the math and history departments, current plans also involve a complete renovation of the second floor of Bolles Hall, whereupon it will be remodeled with hotel suites. As these renovations are taking place, all classrooms will implement fold-out desks that can easily convert from desk to bed. The last class of the day will be expected to pull out the beds or risk receiving a Saturday, whereupon they will assist in tending to the guests. With this transition comes new elective opportunities. Much like office aide, students may take Hospitality or Bell Hoppery accompanied by (unpaid) in-the-field experience. Students in the Hospitality Elective will be expected to tend to guests, and will learn valuable skills such as general cleaning, toilet unclogging, Laundry Folding, and how to Make a Bed. In Bell Hoppery, students serve as porters or bellhops, and must welcome and carry bags for guests, however, the top students may even be promoted to concierge. After much debate it has been decided that Bell Hoppery will go towards P.E. credit. This class will often interact with Hospitality, so be prepared for several joint group projects. Another exciting new opportunity will arise in academic courses. Upon purchase of a hotel suite, guests may agree to a specialized waiver. This allows students enrolled in Psychology to study the behavior of hotel guests for the duration of their stay, 24/7, and for those in Bio to perform tests and observations such as cheek swabs, customarily whilst the guest is sleeping. As an incentive to comply, guests will be offered significant discounts and special perks.
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Valet service will be included and run by Drivers Ed students for extra credit. (For more information on this course, see pgs. 12, 37) Sports will also be affected by this conversion. From 3:45 - 5:45, “Gondola” rides can be booked, with weather permitting, on the St. Johns River. For a romantic evening, or simply a beautiful ride past Epping, the Crew Team will now be rowing guests along the churning waters. With soft music, sunset, and the yelling of the coxswain in the background, the atmosphere will be absolutely perfect. However, great concerns have been expressed over who will be granted pool access. Although swimming is one of, if not the most, prominent and successful sport at Bolles, a pool is practically a hotel necessity. Since the comfort of the guests is paramount, current plans for the swimmers may include, “kiddie pools scattered around campus,” or, “an early early early-morning practice,” as overheard by a concerned freshman. Expect further coverage on this topic if the need arises. Another concern brought up by the administration is that of an underground homework black market developing between the students and guests. From trading essays for free minibar access, to swapping math homework for prompt room service, and claiming AP Sculpture credit for creating towel animals, this could create an unhealthy cheating culture. From the new class opportunities to the Gondola program and a possible homework cheating ring, the outcome of this plan is under heavy debate. I think one student’s quote summarizes it best,“Things constantly change. It’s a fact
of life, and something we must all accept. In past years it was schedule changes, now it’s this. Whether this will help or harm the school, we can’t know for sure. Only time will tell.” Recently, even stranger rumours and fears have been heard amongst students. As many know, ghosts are another hotel staple, and reports of chills and strange whispers have cropped up on the second floor of Bolles Hall. Based on strange glimpses of the grey figure, many believe it to be a student who had disappeared mysteriously during a Freshman Orientation Tour. Many say that the whispers are in fact audible, some even hearing the full quadratic formula or quietly-recited Latin declensions. Teachers worry that the ghost may help students on tests, and have taken to lining their rooms with salt before assessments. However, ghosts have a certain appeal, especially in historical sites, and administration is currently debating whether to exorcise or promote her as a feature of the hotel.
Ava Sickler Contributing Shovel Professional
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The Bolles Bugle
Portal to the Paises:
Kloe Brill Contributing Traveler
Left: Two Spanish Level One students using the portal, on their way to the Ecuadorian Amazons to learn the ancient art of chocolate. Photo credit Ms. Frizzle
To boost fluency and cultural exploration, the Bolles language department replaced the dated Ulmer computer lab by installing a portal that brings the culture to the kids. “It is difficult for most kids to experience an authentic Hispanic culture without spending lots of money on exchange trips, so this new portal will allow kids to explore all the Spanish world has to offer,” said Spanish teacher, Ms. Gomez. The portal was planned to be only a simulation, but turned out to be a real time traveling machine. Ms. Gomez added,“We figured this out when we lost Ken.”
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Spanish Five student, Ken Smith (‘19) said that the first time he stepped inside the portal he was a freshman
but if he were to return, he would now be a 600 yr.-old conquistador. Smith’s class went to medieval Spain and he ended up permanently “absent for personal reasons” after missing the appointed return time at the end of 6th period. The Head of the Language Department and dedicated advocate for the portal, Ms. Frizzle, claimed that she “repeatedly told the children to meet at the designated meeting spot five minutes before the bell or they will be left! I’m sure he’s actually having a truly lovely time in 15th Century Segovia… or whenever he is!” Ms. Frizzle said Mr. Smith’s current(she meant past) location can be explained by him ‘time jumping’ into a time when Spain was colonizing South or Central America. “He must’ve sailed on a Spanish galleon
ship to the Americas most likely as a prisoner forced into hard labor. But, on the bright side, think of the college essay this will make!” Students reported that Smith fondly reminisced on the good missions. He said, “Every class period we traveled to a new place in a Spanish speaking country which has made myself and all of my classmates, those who made it back, completely fluent.” While his whereabouts are still unknown, it is thought that he is stranded in the Brazilian Amazons. There is a search team of members belonging to the weightlifting class volunteering to go on the look for Smith during Activities. The portal is used by all teachers who teach a second language (Spanish, Japanese, Chinese, French, Latin, and
Next Level Cultural Immersion our newly offered language, Klingon).
behind next time.”
Rene Whitfield (‘20) said that “I was struggling in Japanese and I was getting tired of learning about grammar. But then they built the portal which showed me the beautiful ancient culture of Japan and now I am pursuing a career in Ancient Japanese diplomatic relations! I have only been caught in the portal once and ended up going to Australia instead. I was lucky, I only got one spider bite.” She added.
Unfortunately, the portal has faced backlash because of the numerous occasions it has malfunctioned and students have gotten stuck in a certain time period or place, where they can never come back. Fortunately, language and AP history scores have skyrocketed.
Others who ended up in Australia have not been so lucky and now our salutatorian is top of her class. “Before the portal, I was scared to travel or even go to the store by myself, but now I am eager to travel to places that are out of my comfort zone. I believe that every school should have a portal.” said Jenna Wells (‘21) Latin teacher Dr. Yeakel agrees with the portal being more than a way to practice language speaking, but also survival skills. “The portal has not only made all children fluent in their second language, but the portal also teaches kids valuable life skills.”
Artist’s representation of student experience in ancient Spain: two Spanish Five students tend to Infanta Margarita.
Arnold Perlstein said, “last week my class and I trekked through ancient Rome on horseback. We had to hunt and camp by ourselves and even went into battle! On another trip to Turkey, we ended up pushing a huge wooden horse into a city. The soldiers said there was a surprise inside. We never found out what it was since the bell rang.” In response, Ms. Frizzle muttered that she “should probably leave Arnold
Three Japanese students bond through through bonseki, an ancient art of creating miniature landscapes on black lacquer trays using white sand, pebbles, and small rocks.
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The Bolles Bugle
Seniors Required to Post Acceptance Letters
Kennedy McKinney The Big Kahuna Seniors no longer care about the acceptance letter that comes through their college portal or in the mail. They only want acceptance from their peers in the form of Instagram post and Snapchat stories.
college acceptance letters. “If the kids don’t post about their acceptance it will go away and they will wake up the next day with no college offers. It is imperative that they post every letter they get.”
So far, a total of 59 “second acceptance letters” have been posted, each more elaborate than the other. Some are simple and just have a picture of an acceptance letter with a “ya boy is going to college” caption. Others are like “OMG my girl is going to college! Don’t know how I’ll survive without her next year” this is followed by a series of selfies and the college listed like this: #BUCKNELL #BUCKNELL #BUCKNELL Social Scientist Eric Forman said that in this day and age if you don’t post something it just didn’t happen may be extracted from your #memories or #mems. “Unless you post everything you ate, wore, and saw you will forget about it completely within the next 48 hours. I call it unplug amnesia and people who refuse to post everything about their life and “unplug” from the world will suffer from this, said Forman Forman says this can happen with
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Stanford recently did a study on the benefit of posting on social media and found that the act of sharing our personal thoughts and feelings activates the brain’s neurochemical reward system in a bigger way than when we merely tell people face to
face... So our brain is literally happier when we get likes and comments versus the “congratulations” response. Jisette Baquet, future Villanova Wildcat, said, “If you didn’t post about getting into college did you really get in? No, the answer is no. And just to verify that everyone knows where you’re spending the next four years, it’s good to wear a sweatshirt or hat of some kind so there is no confusion.” she said while wearing a Villanova sweatshirt while it was 90 degrees outside. “I’ve lost 10 pounds this week from the constant sweating but,hey, at least everyone knows where I’m going.” Unplug Amnesia can also be used for good. Hated the concert? Don’t post about it. Had a bad date? Don’t post about it. Had a soupy acai bowl? Don’t post about it. Many students are using this as a way to reverse their rejection from college. Jackie Burkhart got rejected from Tulsa Welding School, “Instead of posting about it, I just sat at home and read the rejection letter. The next day it was gone. Two days later, I forgot all about it. Until I saw one of their commercials.” Good luck to all of the seniors and be sure to post when you get in… or else.
Sleep Homeworking: Maximum Efficiency
Avani Bansal Perspective Pursuer
Why lose time (and sleep) doing homework while you are awake, when you could do your homework while you sleep? Most people don’t live their best life anyway because it is mostly spent binge watching on Netflix. So, while you are awake, your time is not being used effectively anyway. Sleep homeworking is a new method of doing homework that has been tested on students K-12. It has proven useful because students of all grades get an average of 10 hours of sleep! (imagine how great that would feel if we all could experience that!).
at the same time! The benefits of sleeping longer include having a healthier body, better learning abilities the following day, more time to watch Netflix, and more time to check your snapchat or instagram feed. Since sleep homeworking has proven so helpful, teachers have begun sleep teaching and doctors have started to perform sleep surgery. Salespeople have started to sell all of their materials while sleeping. This allows for the majority of the world population to always be well rested, no matter what their profession is, which could lead to a healthier population.
technically sleep learning! The real question is: Aren’t we are already so distracted by technology and social media that we kind of sleepwalk through life everyday? As a result of this technological distraction, our lives are not appreciated or being used effectively. So, what difference would sleep homeworking make? What else could we do while we sleep? Do we exist and live our every day life in the sleep state? Do we dream about travel instead of actually traveling? What if we could just stay in bed forever? We are on the cusp of a major scientific discovery...
And, if you are one who always sleeps through class, you now have a perfectly valid excuse to sleep during class because you are Students going to class every day....
Abby Sleepalot said, “I can’t believe this new trend! I get to sleep all night like a normal child AND I finish all of my homework. I have never been more efficient before.” A world wide survey found that it is more important for students to sleep than it is for them to do their homework said that the best location to do your homework is in bed. So now, they can do it all
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The Bolles Bugle
Roses for Recommendations
Bolles takes a page out of The Bachelor’s book Turanga Leela Lead Baller-in-Chief
Picking teachers to write college recommendation letters can sometimes seem like an impossible task. Which teacher will write the best things about you? Which teacher knows you the best and has the best writing capabilities? Well, we solved that problem by adopting the techniques from The Bachelor to help students decide. In this version of The Bachelor, each student has only one or two roses to give out. They must narrow down their choice out of their teachers in the upper school. Like in the show where contestants get both individual and group dates, the students will have the opportunities to speak with their top choices as a group and then individually to help the students choose. For most students, this process proves extremely useful as they navigate the various possibilities that greatly affect their futures. Senior James
Young said, “I love doing the individual and group sessions. It allows me to see more of their personalities than simply being in their classes.” Students can do almost anything with their teachers on their individual dates, from studying together to going on community service excursions to attending academic competitions. This quality time allows students to observe their teachers in one-on-one situations and gives the student a chance to glean some information about what the teachers would say about him/her. Possibly the most exciting portion of the new process is the rose ceremony. In this version of the classic Bachelor selection ceremony, each week, students will give out roses to the teachers they want to consider for a letter of recommendation. At the ceremony, each teacher will have his or her chance to explain why he or she should receive a rose. Finally, the students will hand
Above: These are the roses teachers must fight for. Sometimes, the ceremony gets out of hand and teachers verballyfight and accuse teachers of misdeeds rather than pleading their case to the students. out their roses to all but one teacher, who will be eliminated from the competition. “I love holding all of the power for once,” said senior Hannah Singer. “Students are always competing for better grades, so it’s nice that the teachers are competing in this case.” Teachers have also said that they love the new system. Astrology teacher Mr. Hendrickson said, “I really enjoy the new system. It allows the teachers to know with confidence whether or not they will be selected, and it really is just a fun time competing with my colleagues.” The selection ceremonies will continue until there are only 3 teachers and 2 roses left. Thus begins the final rose ceremony. Each teacher will have one hour to sit down with the student and discuss why they would be the right teacher for the immense task of writing a letter of recommendation.
Above: This is just one of the possible dessert trays available for teachers chosen to write letters of recommendation. Mr. Swanger received 137 of these last year alone.
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Furthermore, there are some perks for the teachers that are chosen. Each time a teacher
wins a rose, he/she gets one of the luxurious desserts from the dessert lunch that is held at the end of the college application season. “The desserts are so amazing, I could eat the entire cart,” said beekeeping teacher Harold Swanger, “I actually did eat the whole cart last year when I got 137 roses from various students.” However, these perks incite some drama between the faculty. According to Harry Potter literature professor Amanda Lansing, “It’s just not fair. Mr. Swanger gets more individual time with the students by talking with them for hours. The limit is supposed to be one! Ugh, he is just so annoying.” All in all, the rose ceremony works tremendously for both the students and the teachers. It also provides entertainment for the underclassmen as they watch the drama unfold as teachers fight to win over the hearts of students.
Which Teacher are You? Ever wondered what Bolles teacher your personality is the most similar to? Take the quiz below to find out!
Colette Tatou Contributing Baker Nala Contributing Napper
Where would you like to grow up? a) Houston, Texas b) Atlanta, Georgia c) A farm in Georgia
Favorite food?
d) Raleigh, North Carolina
a) Dark Chocolate
e) Reading, Pennsylvania
b) BBQ c) Tiropita (Greek cheese pie) d) Macaroni and Cheese e) Tropical Fruits (mango, guava, pineapple)
Would you rather... a) Walk on the beach b) Hike c) Outdoor activities d) Sing and Cook e) Play ocean sports
What is your strongest personality trait? a) Confidence b) Honesty c) Attentive d) Quirky and Enthusiastic e) Good listener
If you got...
e) The Red Hot Chili Peppers
...mostly A — You are Ms. Mendelson!
d) The Wailin Jennys
...mostly B —You are Mr. Brewer!
c) Electric Light Orchestra
...mostly C —You are Dr. Kostandarithes!
b) Outkast
...mostly D —You are Ms. Mormann!
a) Leon Bridges
... mostly E —You are Mr. Humberston!
Your favorite artist is…
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The Bolles Bugle
The New Driver’s Education Curriculum Snow White Online Hacker On April 1st 2019, the state of Florida changed the standardized Driver’s License Test to accommodate the newer cars which many students now drive. It’s a rite of passage for 16-year olds to get a new car, sometimes a “beater,” a used car also known as a “junker,” but sometimes the car can be a dream car. No matter what kind of car you drive, all can benefit from this new curriculum. Independent schools have also made many changes to their Driver’s Education Curriculum. Below is the updated Driver’s Ed Curriculum, which absolutely focuses on the very most important elements of driving, the extra features on your car.
Three-Point Turn - Know how to navigate
around the fountain. Whether you see it in the driveway of an office building, a country club, or someone’s house, know that it’s bad form to crash into the fountain.
Observe Right of Way - The more expensive car gets to go first. Furthermore, if you see your parents or your parents’ friends while out driving, always slow down, duck down, and let them pass you.
Backing - Slowly back out of your spot in F-lot
your car, stay 10 car lengths behind. If a car is over $100,000 more than yours, come to a complete stop. Resume driving tomorrow.
Parking- Driver’s Ed also now teaches students where they should park depending on their cars features. Self-Parking cars developed by the Robotics Club are allowed to park in A-lot. Everyone else will be in F-lot. If parallel parking is required and your car does not have the self-parking feature, drive around until you run out of gas.
In the new Driver’s Ed class, you will learn how to operate the following car features:
so you don’t hit the Porsche. Or the Ford F-150. Or the Honda. Or a person. Or anything, really. Back-up cameras are not for checking to see if your • Personalized Climate Control Zones friends have already left. • Autosteer and autobreak, we mean, -brake. • Heated and Massage seats Follow at a Safe Distance - If the car is nicer • Carplay on your 13” touch screen than yours, stay very far behind it but if the car is • Voiceover to online shop while driving. worse than yours, it doesn’t matter. Everyone has insurance, right? This new and improved Driver’s Ed Curriculum accommodates what students of this generation truly For reference, if a car costs $50,000 more than need to know about driving.
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ARTS
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The Bolles Bugle
Burnin’ Up at Coffeehouse Halle Gold (‘20), a longtime fan of the Jonas Brothers and a student who attends every Coffeehouse, could not contain her excitement about seeing them perform at Bolles.
Tigger Contributing Pouncer Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you ever had the chance to see the Jonas Brothers while they were still making music? Well, students recently had the opportunity to do that because the Jonas Brothers are back, at this year’s Spring Coffeehouse! Kevin, Joe, and Nick Jonas began their music careers together in 2005. After touring all over the world, releasing albums, and winning awards for eight years, they eventually faded away from the music industry. When they noticed that fewer people recognized them in public and girls no longer fainted at the sight of them, they knew that it was time for their band to come to an end in 2013. Joe said, “After a few years of focusing on our own lives, we all agreed to come back to the music industry because we felt lonely, desperate, pathetic, unfortunate, defeated, and needy for fans.” Nick added, “It really sucks to be anonymous and have to wait in line.” Kevin Jonas had a very important reason for the band to get back together: “We wanted to do it for the adulation, I mean, the music, because that’s what we all love the most.” At the end of February, the Jonas Brothers released their new single, “Sucker,” and tons of people are a sucker for that song. With its catchy lyrics and interpretation of romantic love, the song grabbed many people’s attention. Within a week after it was released, it already reached 43.7 million streams and 88,000 downloads in the U.S.
Gold says, “I’ve loved the Jonas Brothers since I was six or seven years old. I was so happy to see them here!” Ethan Das (‘19) was one of our Coffeehouse performers this year, and he got to meet the Jonas Brothers when they arrived. “I wish I performed with them at Coffeehouse. They could have joined the group I played with!” he said. The Jonas Brothers performed their new song, “Sucker,” as well as some of their old hits from their older albums that almost everyone remembered, such as “Burnin’ Up” and “Year 3000.” Besides the Jonas Brothers, this year’s Spring Coffeehouse also included other formerly-famous artists from Jacksonville, such as Lynyrd Skynyrd, Limp Bizkit, Yellowcard, and Lil Duval. After Coffeehouse, Mrs. Vance and her band started working on jazz arrangements of the Jonas Brothers’ songs. The lower school students will be playing “Sweet Home Alabama” by Lynyrd Skynyrd on the xylophone at our next convocation. These artists were excited to return to Jacksonville, but they felt more excited to be touring again and living off of the money from their fans, who they cannot function without. Coffeehouse ended abruptly after the Jonas Brothers performed due to the swarm of 6th grade girls that took over the stage.
“We wanted to do it for the adulation, I mean the music, because that’s what we all love the most.” -Kevin Jonas
After their performance on The Late Late Show with James Corden, the Jonas Brothers searched for other places where they could perform. Fortunately, they reached out to us with enthusiasm about Coffeehouse. Nick expressed his feelings about us letting his band play at Coffeehouse this year: “I was surprised that the Bolles students actually remembered us even though we disappeared for such a long time. It made me feel less desperate.”
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The Jonas Brothers at the San Jose campus.
What I’m Going to be When I Grow Up smoke bomb, triggering the sprinklers, and then tried to crawl out the door soaking wet.”
Brian Griffin Coffeehouse Writer A recent study conducted by the Bolles Alumni Services revealed an astonishing statistic: 66% of Bolles alums have grown up to fulfill their childhood dreams.
While Wayne takes his weekends off, Timothy Eaden, class of 2004, works constantly on call at his position of scuba diving pizza delivery man.
In Key Largo, Jules’ Underwater Lodge was used for exploration and research in the ‘70s. Now, it remains a two bedroom hotel in which guests pay $800 to rent it out for From all the absurd ideas occupational childhood aspiraa night during which they receive a pizza delivery. Guests tions have generated, some have come true. After reaching can pre-order what toppings they want when they book. out to a handful of these alums, three agreed to an interThey’ll hear a knock on their window around 7pm that view: Goose Wayne, a ninja chef, Timothy Eaden, a scuba night. diving pizza delivery man, and Phillip McGraw, a cow. Timothy Eaden awaits a call with a date and time for Goose Wayne, class of 2005, discovered his passion to which the hotel was booked. He suits up, loads the pizza become a ninja chef during his time at Bolles. One day into a watertight case, and then during recess, Wayne, then a Kinderdives in. His deliveries have all been gartener, realized he could combine successful and not very time contwo jobs. It was then that Goose suming. The only exception occured Wayne never looked back and grew during an average delivery. Unfortudetermined to become a ninja chef. nately, Eaden’s tank was punctured Ambitious even at a young age, by a shark bite. Though he was unWayne drew up a schedule and folharmed, oxygen was escaping raplows it to this day. Wayne explained, idly. Just as Eaden started to lose “So, I was thinking. Monday through consciousness, someone jumped in Thursday, I would be a chef. Friday, and saved him. Eaden described his I would be a ninja. Saturday and savior as, “a ninja, somehow wearTimothy Eaden completing a delivery. Sunday, I would take off work.” ing a chef’s hat.” In the kitchen at local resturant, Bistro Aix, Goose Wayne remains loyal to his Monday through Thursday schedule. Fridays, of course, he spends his time as a ninja vigilante. JSO is aware of his presence, however, they don’t seem concerned. Sheriff Mike Williams explained, “Yeah, if some looney wants to run around in a black mask, throwing plastic shurikens at walls, let him be. He seems to obey the law considering he never trespasses on private property or so much as j-walks. I wouldn’t call him a vigilante.” Goose Wayne considers himself successful in that he creates a positive difference in the world whether that be as a vigilante or by inspiring the youth to impact the world in their own way. Wayne said, “I take pride in what I do.” Williams once again responded, “I do not understand. The only problem we have ever had with him was after we tried to have a brief conversation. He quickly threw a
Despite the life-threatening experience, Eaden is satisfied with his job. Eaden says, “When I came up with the idea as a kid, I had no idea it would be possible. My mom had the idea to convert the lab into a hotel, so I instantly got the position as delivery man. It’s a nice, easy job with a surprisingly satisfying paycheck. And, the spare time has provided ample opportunity to stream on Twitch.” Finally, Phillip McGraw, class of 2000, grew up to take on the job of a cow. When he was three, McGraw knew his big brother wanted to be a farmer. Thinking he could help his brother, McGraw declared his passion and goal to become his brother’s cow. When his brother opened a farm, McGraw found a cow suit and developed a taste for grass. His success in joining the herd was minimal, however, he has maintained his current lifestyle for the past 15 years. When asked to comment, McGraw said, “Moo.”
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The Bolles Bugle
The Masked Senior
Is this the Bugle? No, this is Patrick.
For those who missed the last of the Masked Senior, this season was a real whirlwind. This year’s judge panel includes Dee Merit, Noah Lott and Shirley Smart . Behind the masks, wellknown faces, specialized in their fields, attempt to hide themselves from the outside world until guessed correctly by the judges. Last season, the judges found themselves struggling to figure out the senior lingering behind the mask, mainly because half of them had such bad senioritis they did not bother to show up. As a result, the producers decided to move the filming dates before second semester. The first contestant to enter the McGehee stage was adorned in a complete turtle
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suit. With intricate red and yellow patchwork on the shell, the Turtle made his or her way to the front of the stage. The Turtle began with its clues for the judges to begin their guesses.
“Why did you decide to compete in the show?” Merit started the questioning. Later, Meritvealed the initial question shows the players’ motivation and may help reveal his or her identity.
Lott asked the Turtle to reveal some hints when the Turtle replied with information. “I have a family of seven but six go to Bolles, I love camp, oh, and go Terps!” The next contestant took to the microphone, and it seemed as if public speaking was this contestant’s element. As the Eagle took to the stage, its presence was noted as something of a leader.
“I landed 123 water bottle flips in a row.” -Shark
“I just know they’ll make a meme out of me if I do this, on baby on hood,” the Turtle responded with an automated high-pitch voice. “Once I leave Jacksonville I’m never coming back so this can be my lasting legacy hence my superlative.”
“Tell us a little about yourself, is the Eagle some sort of president?” Smart began inquisitively. “I run in the elections and on the track. I do Model UN, I started a non profit, the list really goes on.” It was noted this candidate can really talk. “I’m on Student Council, I may or may not represent the class.” “I have some ideas,” Lott
confided, “this could really be an Alex, either Cywes or Hastings, I know they’re both on Council.” The Eagle then left the stage, the audience suddenly seemed reassured of who they believed was the patriotic participant. The next Senior engaged the audience in another way. The lights of McGhee went black as a video of the contestant played rather than a physical appearance. The Shark, featured in the video was sporting glasses and a Bolles Swimming tee. “What’s up guys. In this vlog, I’m on the Masked Senior.” The Shark was holding the camera in selfie fashion. “I swim in the pool and play the field, am unofficially the funniest person in Florida, and get babes with my 300 plus subscribers.”
Photo of The Masked Senior (‘19)
When questioned his identity by the judges, the Shark replied, “It’s your boy!” Rather than a outro, the video cut as the word “Subscribe!” lingered on the screen. Finally the last contestant made it to the stage. To the audience and judges’ surprise a short and timid teen walked to the microphone. The light blinded the young contestant’s eyes, she seemed re-
ally new to this. The tiny girl, in a button-up shirt and flowered knee length skirt shocked everyone by not wearing a mask. However, still no one knew who she was. I don’t think she knew freshmen were not allowed on the “Masked Senior.”
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The Bolles Bugle
Bolles Meme Review
Phineas Coffeehouse Performer Baljeet Contributing QR Code
As Pewdiepie racks up subscribers, lately, he has welcomed many high profile guest hosts on meme review. After pressure from the community, Elon Musk joined Justin Roiland in an episode of the meme review. Then, a week later, Mr. Beast hosted meme review. Most recently, Pewediepie had blue shirt kid host meme review. Two Bugle staff members, Gabriel Bassin and Thomas Keaveny, hosted meme review! The QR code links to their section of the video. They review memes from the Unsettled Tom meme to the vans meme. Please subscribe to The Bolles Bugle channel, and we hope you enjoy.
The Unsettled Tom Meme. Originally posted on some ran- QR Code link to Bolles Meme Review on Youtube (pls sub). dom subreddit before Pewdiepie killed it on Meme Review.
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SPORTS
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The Bolles Bugle
Leveling Up the Leaders
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon Contributing Stereotype
In recent weeks, the United States Legislative Branch has committed to further strengthening the capabilities of leaders in the United States community. How? Through advanced virtual evaluations, better known as video games. Inspired by Ready Player One, a variety of high-profile individuals have been selected to perform tests to further strengthen their leadership capabilities in areas that they have already seemed to pursue. These leaders include: Donald Trump, Sarah Sanders, Robert Mueller, Andrew Yang, and Pete Buttigieg. Each was assigned a computer game to which they were to perform to their fullest extent. The results were outstanding.
Name: Donald Trump Role: 45th President of the United States of America Game: Tropico 5 Game Desc: Tropico 5 is a construction management simulation game with a goal of remodeling an island country. Players can choose to work together, or not. Performance: 6/10 Name: Sarah Sanders Role: White House Press Secretary Game: Comedy Night Game Desc: Comedy Night is a multiplayer game with a premise of simply standing up to preform, there is a multitude of options for the preform to choose from, including but not limited to, karaoke and stand-up comedy. Performance: 10/10 Name: Robert Mueller Role: American Lawyer, Former FBI Director, Special Counsel Head Game: Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes Game Desc: Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes is a virtual reality co-op game with one player in the VR headset, attempting to defuse a bomb, and a teammate reading defusal instructions from a manuel. Unfortunately a teammate was unprovided and Mueller was tasked with defusing the explosives solo. Performance: 9/10 Name: Andrew Yang Role: 2020 Presidential Candidate Game: NationStates Game Desc: NationStates multiplayer simulation game where the player has the opportunity to turn one societal idea such as capitalism into another such as socialism or any other government-influenced idea the player wants. Performance: 10/10 Name: Pete Buttigieg Role: 2020 Presidential Candidate Game: Bananagrams Game Desc: Unfortunately Buttigieg’s computer was unable to connect to the internet, so he was set up with the the family-game-night game, Bananagrams. The premise of Bananagrams is to spell as many words as possible that have attaching letters from each word together, finishing with no letters remaining. Performance: 11/10 (+1 for spelling his name) All images taken from Wikipedia pages of corresponding games.
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Academic Letterman Barbie Contributing Blonde
Dear Bolles Family, Starting fourth quarter, to increase student enjoyment, we will consider Academics our new Athletics. Instead of attending “classes” students will have “5-a-days” Monday through Friday. During zero hour there will be a school-wide warm up and students’ 1st “practice” will start at 8:30. On late start Wednesdays, students who live within a 15-mile radius of the school will run to school. Classes will be re-named, and students now can be recommended by their current teacher to either Elite (AP), Varsity (Honors), or JV classes (regular). History will now be known as Strategy and English as The Rules. Math is now called Keeping Score and Anatomy will become Physical Therapy. Throughout their one-hour practices, students will continue learning standard Bolles curriculum, but in an athletic format. For example, when completing and tests and quizzes students must either plank or do wall sits. “For the first half of the test I’m focused and my legs are fresh, but by the 2nd half the questions are harder and my knees are weak, and my arms are sweaty,” said senior Jim Shady. When traveling from practice to practice, students must be in a full sprint. Teachers will now be referred to as coaches and the deans as referees. If a students breaks “uniform” dress code, he/she will have to sit in a penalty box in the catacombs of Bolles Hall. Activities will be combined with lunch into one 2-hour Half-Time in the middle of the Athletic school day. During HalfTime there will be a halftime show where the band will perform elaborate numbers to entertain our hardworking Academic Lettermen. There will be T-shirt cannons launching school tshirts (with pocket protectors for your calculators). In regards to all student’s new athletic workload, all food served on campus will be Game Day meals. For example, besides water, the only drinks will be chocolate milk, gatorade, and pickle juice. The meals will be pasta, PB&J, and protein bars. With the focus on academics, athletics will have to be put on the back burner. Elite athletes are experiencing withdrawals and wanted to share their stance. Quarterback Allen Star (‘20) shared his grief with the lack of athletics “It’s pretty sad actually, I just have to throw to myself. I miss the guys, sometimes I just hurl myself at the floor because I miss practicing tackles.” Swimmer Ander Water (‘21), said “During half-time I stick my head under the water fountain to remember what it’s like to be in the pool.” When interviewing star baseball player, Fischer Racco, he could not speak on the matter instead only bring able to throw an imaginary baseball. We believe that this new system will spark change in schools around the area to put more focus on the Academic Letterman. We are looking forward to a successful (2019-2020) academic school year. Note: students may park on the football and baseball fields now that they are no longer in use.
Sincerely, The Bolles Head of School
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The Bolles Bugle
Bolles Athletes Forced to Change Sport
Kennedy McKinney The Big Kahuna On April 1st 2019, The Florida High School Athletic Association (FHSAA) announced a policy change that will go into effect during the 2019-2020 school year.
swims. “My little Donna hates when she has to compete against Bolles athletes, not only do they go home with the gold, they leave with silver and bronze!”
“Our goal is to make it so that every school can have at least one state championship,” said CEO Bowie Michaelson at the press conference Monday morning. “Schools like Bolles have too many championships and it’s not fair to the other mediocre institutions.” Starting next year, every Bolles athlete will have to change their sport or join Brain Brawl.
When asked what they thought of the new rule Matt Morris, head of the Bolles athletic department, didn’t seem to care. “Our athletes are so good that if they change a sport they will be good at that in about two weeks. Just look at Bryson Kirksey, he plays three sports now and is good at all of them. I actually like the change because it will allow our athletes to excel at more than one sport, if they don’t already.”
The Bolles School currently has 136 team state titles with 90 state runnerup finishes in 17 different sports according to their website. Michaelson and his co-workers believe that is because the athletes are too good at their sports. As Michaelson announced the new policy, there was a mixture of boo’s and cries of joy. Steven Hyde, father of two Bishop Kenny athletes, is pleased with the new policy, “Every fall I dread having to sit through a losing football season and give my son the same ‘I know you did your best’ speech. It’s about time FHSAA stepped in, Bolles wins everything!” Hyde also has a daughter who
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Bolles athletes have already started preparing for next season. Sullivan Brackin, baseball player, started his football workouts last week. “It’s easy man, I should have started playing football a while ago. I’m pretty sure UF will give me a spot on the football roster, they already want me for baseball.” Catherine Kuntz, cross country runner, is switching to softball and is already the starting pitcher on the team, “What, like, pitching is hard?” said Kuntz when asked how the transition is going. Pro athletes have spoken out about
this new change and it has inspired them to try a new sport. “I’ve been playing tennis since I was little but I’ve always had a passion for Synchronized Swimming. I think Venus and I will make a good doubles team,” said Serena Williams. Tom Brady is also excited about this change, “I really hope this policy moves to the professional level. I mean, I have six Super Bowl rings, it’s about time I gave the little guys a chance.” When asked what sport he would switch to Brady said, “I really want a few NBA rings they would look nice next to my six NFL rings so I’ll just do this, maybe ball with Lebron and Curry.” The entire Bolles Cheer team is switching to swimming and diving. They’ve already figured out how to do the fight song under water. “If you thought making us swimmers would get rid of the fight song you’re wrong. We’ll probably do it more in swim since we’ll win every. single. meet.” said captain Amanda Morales. Bolles is excited to take on this new challenge for next year but they doubt it will even be a challenge “This is gonna be lightwork, baby” said Bryson Kirksey.
COMING IN MAY 2019 23
The Bolles Bugle
Jacksonville Gets Thrown Into One Crazy Multiverse
Pegasus Contributing Writer On April 1st something weird happened to the city of Jacksonville, Florida. All head coaches in every single school in Jacksonville were replaced by fictional characters. Bolles’ head coaches were replaced by The Avengers, Episcopal’s head coaches were replaced by My Little Pony characters, Bishop Kenny’s head coaches became The Smurfs, and Trinity Christian’s head coaches was replaced by The Care Bears. But so far, everyone seems to be cool with it. For the most part.
Nick Fury was the head of the S. H. I. E. L. D. department that created the Avengers, now he is the head coach for Bolles Football. Every single player is scared of him and no one ever goofs off anymore. They have not lost a single game since Fury became the head coach as well because everyone is afraid of what would happen if they lost. “By the end of practice none of us can stand and more than half of us have thrown up, I really like football, and my life,” said Andre Parker (‘20).
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Bruce Banner, also known as the Hulk, used to fight crime and save the world, now he is the head coach of Bolles Crew. Everyone really likes Banner and thinks he is a great coach, but they are very careful not to get him angry. One time one of the coxswains hit the dock a little too hard for Coach Banner’s liking and he started to go green, the coxswain quickly fixed their mistake and everyone was ok. “I feared for my life in that moment, and the boat’s,” said Mitch Henshaw (‘20).
Thor, son of Odin and King of the Norse gods, used to be King, but now he is the head coach for Bolles Baseball. Thor has no understanding of baseball whatsoever, but the entire team has improved on their hitting. Thor’s hammer is used as a weapon, yes, but he just tells the boys to imagine it is an enemy’s head and to hit it as hard and precise as they can. Thor is learning as he goes, but there is still a lot of room for improvement. “Thor really has no idea what is doing, but I’ve improved on my hitting dramatically so I can’t really complain,” said by Joey Morris (‘22).
Pietro Maximoff, also known as Quicksilver, used to live with his sister and help save the world, but now he is the head coach for Bolles Track and Field. He doesn’t really understand the concept of long distance track, or why they would have to throw a disc a certain distance, but he does know speed. Sprinters always like to challenge Maximoff to races, and they always lose, but they still have a ton of fun. “Coach Maximoff lowkey knows nothing about track, but he’s helped me shave five seconds off my PR, so like wig, I guess,” said by Carissa Aldana (‘21).
Steve Rogers, Captain America, was the most popular superhero on earth, but now he is the head coach for Bolles Swimming. Rogers has “no clue” about the technicalities of the sport, since he could never do any sports growing up, but he learns quickly. Every swimmer has gained 20 pounds of muscle and dropped a solid minute off of their times. Every swimmer says that they “never want him to leave.”
Episcopal, Bishop Kenny, and Trinity’s New Head Coach Roster Episcopal’s head coaches have been replaced by the My Little Ponies and no one is really sure how to react. Rainbow Dash is doing a pretty good job of coaching the soccer team, but Pinkie Pie has no idea how basketball works. Pinkie changed all the jerseys to pink as well, and the shoes. Applejack, however, is doing really well coaching football, the team is now better than ever!
Bishop Kenny’s head coaches have been replaced by the Smurfs, and no one is really sure what to do. They lose them all the time, they can never hear them, and no one really takes them seriously. Grumpy coaches the football team now, and no one can ever do well enough for him, even when they win. Smurfette coaches the volleyball team now and they’re the best they have ever been! She just needs to use a microphone a lot. The rest of the Smurfs can’t be found, but they always turn up, eventually.
Trinity Christian’s new head coaches have all been replaced by The Care Bears. Cheer Bear is the new head coach for football and she is always giving so much praise that the whole team are now the nicest guys on campus. Wish Bear coaches baseball and he is always wishing so much that they never actually get anything done. The rest of the bears are sharing and caring and so far everyone else is improving.
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The Bolles Bugle
NEWS
PAGE
2 Superwomen Too Many... other choice but to support it.”
Perspective Pursuer Avani Bansal Scientists say that superhero movies are greatly beneficial to our society. And superheroes, by definition, should be males right? But wait, there have been 2 new superheroes that are FEMALE. But 2 is too many, there is too much feminism there. It is exhausting, feminism. Captain Marvel and Wonder Woman have made their way into the superhero world in the last few years. Wonder Woman, released in 2016, had so much raw feminism and excitement for being the first female superhero movie, that it was enough feminism for at least a century.
Hard-core comic readers have complained that the 2nd female superhero was too much girl power. After all, if according to the Comics Alliance Survey of Superhero Diversity, 75% of the superheroes in the Marvel Universe are men, they deserve at least 98% of the movies made. Diana Prince was interviewed about how she is feeling with these new superheroes. She stated, “I am so tired and I just want to get into bed and watch a Netflix show with all male characters. That’s how exhausted I am. Why does Wonder Woman have to be so good at everything?!?! There is a limited amount of me that this world can have and I think we have capped at that amount. I have been in full
But unfortunately, we had to get pumped up again, three short years later, for “Captain Marvel.” We really didn’t need that second female superhero movie. We would have been better served by a Spider Man Sequel 55. Gloria Steinem stated that she “would really love it if Captain Marvel appeared less and received less attention in her own movie. I have to do so much Captain Marvel Poster. “Her costume was work every time the movie is totally copied from Spider Man, and the colors played because I don’t have any were stolen from Captain America.”
Above: Wonder Woman Poster. “The light is so bright!”
force for a whole 3 years now and I am too tired to go on.” American women became so tired from all these high expectations that men had to step in to help take the load off. With all of these new feminist movies and movements, fighter pilot/one-dimensional love-interest Steve Trevor stated, “Oh my gosh, it is so much harder to be American women than I thought. I can’t believe this is what they do every day.” Fortunately, conflict between the genders ended when it was discovered Universal Pictures was making a Pitch Perfect/Deadpool crossover. All human beings, real and fictional, united in their disgust.
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The Bolles Bugle
Florida Man Lives a Completely Normal Life
Pegasus Contributing Writer Reporter Bob Woodward said, “People can say it’s impossible, that it will never happen, or that it would require a miracle.” When, in fact, it actually does exist: a Florida man lives a completely normal life. John Smith is “the most normal person anyone has ever met,” said Anderson Cooper after a CNN interview mistakenly profiled Smith as part of a series on the Florida Man phenomenon. Smith grew up in a midsized town, got straight A’s, had a high school sweetheart, married her, had two kids, a boy and a girl, and now works a nine-to-five job on the weekdays. Smith lives a happy life filled with small traditions. Once a month, every month, he holds a cookout for everyone in his neighborhood. Smith and his family live in a subdivision in a ranch house just like any other:a three-bedroom house with two and a half baths, a medium-sized backyard with a pool, and a nice small porch. At the cookouts, Smith likes to check in with his neighbors. He heard his next door neighbor, Michael Anderson, tried to have an alligator as a pet, it didn’t go so well. “I don’t understand why anyone would want an alligator as a pet, or throw it through the window of a McDonald’s drive-thru, or why someone would try to go to the Bahamas
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Photo: John Smith and one of his five daily tweets, taken directly from his public Twitter feed shared with everyone he knows. Smith follows @jags, @sweetfrog, and @staugustineamphitheater.
in a human-sized hamster ball,” said Smith “However, it is Florida and you never really know what can happen.”
Jack is fascinated by dinosaurs and cries every time they play The Land Before Time with Little Foot in it.
Smith is a customer service representative selling pre-owned office equipment and industrial machinery. Smith said his co-workers are very interesting. One of them tried to rob a Game Stop while wearing a transparent bag on his head. Another one was arrested for drinking and driving but denies it saying he, “only swigged bourbon at stop signs.”
Smith and his wife have been married for 15 years now and their anniversary is coming up soon. He is planning on taking her to Ruth’s Chris and then going to see the symphony.
Smith’s desk is covered in his kids’ drawings and little items that his coworkers have given him. He has been working for the company for nine years now and has had three different promotions. Smith is hopes to move up soon so he can take his family on a Disney cruise. When Smith comes home from work he is immediately greeted by his two kids and their four-year old goldendoodle named Kenny. His daughter, Emily, is eight, and son, Jack, is five. Emily is currently obsessed with Moana and will not stop singing while
“Every day is like a dream for me, I have two wonderful kids, a great job, and a wife I love,” said Smith, “I still don’t understand how someone could break into an alligator farm and leave one of his Crocs behind.” said Smith with a laugh. “Smith is the most normal man I’ve ever met and I don’t know how he does it.” said Smith’s neighbor who went to a Christmas festival just to scream at little kids that “Santa isn’t real.” All of the anecdotes from Smith’s neighbors and co-workers were taken from actual Florida Man articles.
LipKit Sales Spark Chaotic Trend
Snow White Online Hacker On February 22nd, Kylie Jenner’s lipstick named “Jordy” went on sale for 50%, causing an uproar. This was Jenner’s first public response to the alleged affair between her best friend, ,Jordyn Woods (“Jordy”), and her sister’s boyfriend, Tristan Thompson.Clearly feeling betrayed, Jenner used this sale to express her anger to the public.
ernment had to take drastic action to prevent the second Great Depression. The government officially banned all sales on March 3rd and many assumed this would solve the problem. However, the United States government has no control over the sales in other nations.
Since this event, sales have been a way for official public statements to be made and have resulted in heightened tensions between major powers. On February 23rd, Amazon placed all red shirts on a 50% sale. It did not take long for those in the media to recognize the hidden message behind this act. Target, one of Amazon’s major competitors, uses the color red in their logo; this sale was meant to tell the public that Amazon has plans to bankrupt Target. Just hours after all red shirts were put on sale, Target’s stocks plummeted in price. It appears that the stockholders feared Amazon’s alleged plans and reacted quickly by selling their stocks. This trend continues, as other companies began using sales as a way to communicate feuds to the public. The US economy was being hit hard as a result of the public’s fear of sales and gov-
On noon of March 5th, Canada’s official government website randomly began selling handheld American flags, which shocked many. This shock was met with fear, when minutes later the flags were put on a 50% off sale. This clearly meant that Canada had plans to declare war on the US. The product went on sale during the middle of the day, when most people are on the internet, thus showing Canada’s intent to cause immediate mass chaos. As a result, the demand for bomb shelters, non-perishable foods, and survival kits skyrocketed. One man in a Publix
line expressed his concern, “I’m in line to buy bottled water for $450! Everyone is so concerned that we will have to move underground that the prices for basic necessities has increased tremendously.” The United States responded by also selling Californian flags at a discounted price, thus effectively ignoring the new ban on sales. Within 48 hours, 32 countries had put flags of other nations and nationstates on sale, thus declaring unofficial war. Billions of people panicked, worried that a World War would occur, simply because countries expressed their pettiness through sales. On March 10th the United Nations intervened and made all Amazon sales illegal globally. Amazon may yet declare war on the United Nations. While Kylie Jenner had only meant to cut off a disloyal friend through her sale, her actions sparked a trend which affected billions of people. An anonymous source close to the White House has recently confirmed that Kylie Jenner is now being offered absolutely free of charge to any country that will take her.
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The Bolles Bugle Brave New Bolles, That Has Such Chemistry Students in It At one point or another, most sophomores, juniors and seniors have read Brave New World by Aldous Huxley (sorry, freshmen, look it up). To provide context, I’ll give a brief summary.
The Short One Contributing Diver Lenina Crowne once said, “School can be difficult. I’m not going to deny it, and I’m sure you won’t either. When one combines all the honors, AP’s, tests, quizzes, lengthy and often mundane reading, projects, and busy work which seemingly serves no purpose other than tormenting its students, the result usually ends in complete and utter chaos.” Which is precisely why AP Chemistry students turned a lab gone wrong into a revolutionary idea to rectify the situation. See, the students really were attempting to create a simple salt compound during a lab. However, one student, who really shouldn’t be in AP Chemistry (a.k.a., yours truly), accidentally spilled some of her iced coffee into the solution, thus creating a substance that, when boiled down, is the stuff of Aldous Huxley’s imagination:
soma.
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Brave New World describes the dystopian futuristic society where the government gives its citizens ‘soma,’ a drug similar to morphine which takes away any unpleasant feeling. Unlike morphine, which only reduces physical pain, ‘soma’ eliminates all sorts of pain and discomfort, as well as adding excitement to otherwise boring situations. But AP Chemistry students only figured out that reality is truly stranger than fiction when Pranit Manohar mistook the solution for sugar and put it in his and his lab partners’ drinks. Almost instantaneously, the three lab partners experienced a rush of euphoria-- all anxiety vanished, their foul moods softened, and, Adam Pooley (‘19) said, “One could say that inner peace was reached.” Obviously, Manohar stated, the world needed to know. The students excitedly speed-walked the soma to the administration to present their ingenious idea, but were disappointed with the response they received from an anonymous administrator: “Suck it up, buttercup. Our generation won multiple wars, I think you can handle a little bit of homework.” Frustrated, the students went to the Canteen for lunch and managed to accidentally spill the substance in the chipotle mayo at the sandwich line.
15 minutes later, the teacher on Canteen duty reported seeing unusually carefree and happy students gliding about their lunch period, as well as feeling quite bubbly himself. Mr. Rivera said, while finishing his sandwich, “I wasn’t really planning on passing this student, but, clearly, she has surpassed all expectations for this course. A+ for sure.” Ever since seeing proof of what soma could do, the Administration changed their policy, allowing soma treats to be sold (for a fair price) at the Canteen, Cafeteria, and Bookstore. Feeling down? Cheer up with warm, gooey chocolate chip cookies that’ll sweeten your mood. Can you feel your heart rate quickening because your phone won’t stop pinging? Sip on some soma-enhanced herbal tea lemonade that even Starbucks envies! Already crying before Activities because you have so much to do? Snack on some soma jelly beans which can now be bought at the Bookstore! Everyone on campus has felt the positive influence of soma. Dr. K, when asked to comment, said, “It will be like every grade is the best grade a student ever received! My students have never before been this captivated by the complexities of Manifest Destiny.” To pay homage to Huxley, Bolles is even thinking of changing the motto from ‘Courage, Integrity, Compassion’ to ‘Community, Identity, Stability,’ the motto of Huxley’s World State. Coming back from Spring Break has never been easier. Try soma today!
SOMA:
One Cubic Centimeter Cures Ten Gloomy Sentiments...
Side effects may include:
Potential Brainwashing, Total Apathy, Inability to Process Simple Ideas, or Dystopia
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The Bolles Bugle
Five Feet Apart (Not the Movie)
(Constantly) Sleeping Beauty The Copying Editor As spring begins to blossom, I think everyone here in Jacksonville can agree that nothing bums people out like seeing couples holding hands.
Above: Disgruntled student Taylor Ford (21’) watches as a couple holds hands
As part of a new city-wide regulation, Jacksonville trekked downtown to ask. Mayor Lenny Curry recently announced a new PDA -- public displays of affection-- policy. When asked how she thinks the new policy would affect her business, local waitress Ally Alligator “I firmly believe that this new policy will prevent stated, “Well, serving food to my customers is our citizens from falling into dangerous situadefinitely more of a struggle now that I can’t get tions like, for instance, hugging or touching their children. Friends will no longer have to live in fear within five feet of them. It also doesn’t help that I have to carry around this ruler now, and I keep of an awkward high-five, or risk being hugged by knocking down other waiters and the food with a classmate. I am proud to announce this new it. So I’ve kinda resorted to just throwing the plate policy, and look forward to making Jacksonville like a frisbee, I’d say I have about a 50% chance of even better,” said Curry. getting it on the table. So, a lot of customers end With this new policy, all residents of Jacksonville up with food on their face. But, hey, at least I don’t will be required to stay five feet apart at all times. have to worry about seeing anything as vulgar as a couple holding hands. That would really be Rather than applying solely to couples, this legbad.” islation was written as such that no two people can come within five feet of another without a Chad Flenderson, local boyfriend, describes his hefty fine, the money from which will be used to particular predicament “ Yeah, so, um, it’s kinda improve the city. To help this great cause, fivefoot long rulers will be issued to every resident in hard to date my girlfriend now that the five-feet apart rule is a thing. Like, I can’t really touch her, an attempt to help citizens uphold this new city or, like, be in the same car with her, so that sucks. ordinance. It’s kinda like a long distance relationship, but not. A five-foot relationship.” Consequently, Bolles will be forced to widen its stairways to allow people to walk up and down without the risk of bumping into another person. As a result of this new policy, holding hands is As a result, the time allowed between classes will said to be done only in secret, as couples are forced to restrain themselves publicly, which I’m be upped to 25 minutes, as only one person can sure we are all grateful for. use the staircase at a time. Now, one might wonder the functionality of this new regulation, however this reporter firmly believes in the future success of the PDA policy. To find out what the people of Jacksonville think, I
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However, on the bright side, Subway Sandwiches has seen a boom in sales with their new five-foot long sandwich which is long enough that kids can split it with friends.
STUDENT LIFE 33
The Bolles Bugle
Haute Mess
Your New Favorite Fashion Column Is Here
Beauty Bulldog Contributing Style Expert
Hello, fashionistas!!! It’s the Beauty Bulldog here, as always adding the highlight to your day and your cheeks! It can be hard looking good all the time, but I’m here to help with three easy fashion hacks you can do during the school day. First, hair. Volume is so important, and I personally love a good sea salt spray. But a bottle of Bumble and Bumble costs at least $30! Plus, who knows what chemicals in it could damage your hair? Luckily, you have all you need to DIY your way to gorgeous waves. Next time the stress of a big assignment hits you, just collect your tears in a spray bottle and lightly spritz away. Reduce, reuse, recycle, right? Of course, everyone wants to know how to contour on the go. Luckily, the bookstore has just the right supplies! Bolles has dozens of protien bars you can easily crumble up and make into bronzer and highlight. Blend it all together with rushes from the art room for a picture perfect finish. Sadly, the shades are no comparison with the variety from Fenty Beauty, but you’ll have more options that with Kim Kardashian West Beauty.
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(left) Taylor Ford (‘21) collects tears for sea salt spray. (right) She tries out the product.
Lastly, cleanses are all over Insta. Charcoal is an easy way to flush out all the toxins. Just go over to the art room and mix some charcoal from the pencil sharpener into your daily Starbucks for maximum benefit! As a bonus, the extra lead and color pencil shavings will keep your skin glowing and add that little something extra. No need for a paleo diet or juice cleanse if you use this trick! Thank you, and don’t forget to tell me how these hacks worked for you! Follow me on Instagram @ bollesbeautybulldog to be entered in a raffle for my homemade soma jelly bean sugar scrub. Don’t trust me? Here’s a review from fellow fashionista Claire Cywes. “I cried all night stressing about college last week. The next day, I followed your advice for sea salt spray, and my hair looked so good that I forgot about the stress!”
False OR Fact?
Ava Sickler Contributing Shovel Professional
Sarah Scherkenbach Contributing Human Being
Su Ertekin-Taner Contributing Singer
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Answers: Vlogger: Fake, Illuminati: Fake, Goat: Real, Swiss Woman: Real, Witch: Fake, Turtle: Fake
The Bolles Bugle
Pins Throughout History
(Constantly) Sleeping Beauty The Copying Editor
ery, Bolles student Kamren Khan stated,“Yeah, I really don’t know how this has anything to do with me.”
Late last May, Historian Madison Clubb discovered ancient relics in the plateaus of Mongolia while researching the reign of Genghis Khan. However, this relic was not what most historians would consider to be typical historical evidence: a Pinterest board.
Parallel to Clubb’s discovery, historian Sam Tuttle recently came across another historical Pinterest board, Marie Antoinette’s. As seen by the extravagant cakes featured in her Pinterest, French Queen Marie Antoinette really did have an affinity for cake. Some say this could be the reasoning behind her famous statement “Let them eat cake,” which most historians believe Antoinette did not actually say.
Clubb found the board, believed to be one of the first Pinterest boards in existence, digging through the dark web on an ancient Surface 3, and is said to be shocked when she found it. “I don’t really know what I was expecting to find. But uh, it wasn’t this,” said Clubb.
Not only did Tuttle discover the Pinterest board of Marie Antoinette, he also found the Pinterest board of Cleopatra while touring an Egyptian pyramid. Interestingly enough, Cleopatra’s board is said to be filled with romantic travel guides for Rome, which she likely used during her visit there in approximately 46 B.C.
“I don’t really know what I was expecting to find. But uh, it wasn’t this.” -Madison Clubb Interestingly enough, Genghis Khan’s board is completely filled with Genghis Khan quotes. When asked what he thinks about the recent discov-
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Above: Three pinterest boards discovered by Madison Clubb and Sam Tuttle
These discoveries are predicted to have widespread influence on the modern understanding of a historical world. Scholars hope to find the Pinterest board of William Shakespeare.
Netflix: Your Online Savior on Driver’s Ed. Tests Su Ertekin-Taner Resident Singer
Driver’s Education tests are useless compared to Netflix, right? I mean who needs to drive to the movie theater when you can just watch Netflix at home. Even during the required online driving courses to get your permit, Netflix is there to help you survive. Everyone uses Netflix when taking the learner’s permit test (I mean, do we really need ten minutes to read four sentences?). The Driver’s Education program wants you to pay attention, but we all know they meant that we should pay attention to our favorite show. Improves Multitasking Skills What do Einstein and you have in common? You can both multitask! Now you
can feel like a genius during your Driver’s Education online courses by using Netflix as a fail-safe for your boredom. Dr. Carol Hartford, MD, PhD, points out, “The benefits of multitasking around the world have been bizarre. People are starting to use multitasking at younger and younger ages and the effects are beneficial!” The Test Is Easy Anyway The Driver’s Education test is ridiculously easy anyway. I mean how hard is it to use a steering wheel and press a gas pedal? The questions don’t even explain how to drive, they’re just theoretical questions that you will never come across. For example, “How do you turn on the blinker?” Some of the other functions of a car, like changing a tire or engine maintenance, may be a little more difficult to master, but who needs those anyway? Stress Reduction
If you ever feel like you’re wasting time during online driving courses, don’t stress. Watching Netflix during online courses allows you to improve your efficiency. You can easily get more done. Have you ever had a show that you were struggling to keep up with? If you Netflix through the Driver’s Education test then you will never have to miss a single episode. You’ll be caught up with all of the recent episodes that your friends are watching without any stress. The timer for question completion is so long that you can finish an entire season in a couple of questions. Learn to Read Quicker Reading is a challenge for many people and Dr. Tim Crawpot says, “Learning to read at a young age can be challenging especially for kids whose minds cannot comprehend what they are reading and must read slower.” In fact, 46.9% of kids have trouble reading quickly and claim that it has affected their school grades. In order to fix this problem, you should try Netflixing through the Driver’s Education test. Not only will you be excited to watch your show, propelling your reading time, but you will also comprehend quicker. You can even turn on the subtitles of Netflix if you want a real challenge.
A passing score on the Florida Learner’s Permit Test is an 80%. Based upon these statistics, Netflixing is the way to go.
Driving Isn’t A Necessity Who said taking the driver’s test was a good idea? Uber and Lyft were made for a reason. Instead of taking the test at all, why don’t you just Netflix without any interruptions? You can even order a food driver to your house with Postmates!
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The Bolles Bugle
How the Freshman Revolution Impacted the High School Hierarchy “Class of 2019.”
Ian Paris Contributing More Than You Freshmen have always looked up to seniors, but when looking upon their older classmates (the seniors), it’s hard not to envy them. From their sunglasses they wear even indoors to the unlimited options of restaurants to choose for lunch, many people desire these benefits. The mutual feeling has been kept inside each freshman, eager to act upon the idea, but most rebellions don’t start until there is a small event which sparks it. In this case, the seniors are at fault, as a once-thought simple prank went too far. The plan was to invade Ulmer while freshmen were in their Freshman Community Groups. Seniors took bottles of shaving cream and ambushed one side of Ulmer (nearest the biology classrooms) and sprayed whipped cream at the opposite side, knowing each material was harmless, yet harmful enough to cause rage. A senior, who preferred to remain anonymous, stated, “We wanted to prank the ‘babies’ on campus in a way that would remind them where they stood. It was a simple idea, more of a game, but the looks on their faces will be priceless.” At the entrance of Ulmer, a simple note was left that read,
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The freshmen got out of their FCG’s earlier than normal, around 11:20. Once they walked into Ulmer to see the trash-filled treasure trove which replaced it, they were infuriated. Freshman Emma McAdoo said, “It felt as if we were put in our place. I remember seeing people try to clean up the mess, and the devastated faces which roamed Ulmer.”
“It felt as if we were put in our place. I remember seeing people try to clean up the mess, and the devastated faces which roamed Ulmer.” - Emma McAdoo (‘22)
The incident seemed to affect the freshmen’s academic and social success. McAdoo admitted, “I noticed my grades were slipping and suddenly I became antisocial around my friends; it was kind of like a plot twist in the story of my life.” The prank had once been a simple act of fun to mess with the younger high schoolers, but freshmen took this to heart. With this event in the past, freshmen knew they had to retaliate. Feeling desperate, they came together to plan their revenge. “It was almost as if we finally had to unite, despite our social cliques,” said Ken Noguchi (‘22). When the seniors were gone, fresh-
men planned to meet after school. All 179 of them gathered in Ulmer to plan their vengeance. Serious faces with hopeful eyes filled the crowd. One student brought up the idea of an eye for an eye. “What if we took over their favorite place...the canteen?” Heads nodded in agreement. To end the meeting, the freshmen chanted their class rallying cry, one they came up on short notice, “We Will Win.” To note down their ideas, the 9th graders wrote the Freshman Manifesto, which consisted of all of their views and reasons in taking power from the seniors. An excerpt of the document can be seen in this article. Week by week, more freshmen entered the canteen, and seniors were unsuspecting. By the 6th week, all upperclassmen forgot about their prank, and freshmen were ready to take a stance. They rushed from their classes and entered the canteen, taking up all of the spots. “No spot was untaken; we made sure of it,” Noguchi said confidently.
“It was almost as if we finally had to unite, despite our social cliques.” - Ken Noguchi (‘22)
The end result was a loud, crazy canteen full of focused freshmen. Empty food stands were lined across the edges of the room. McAdoo jokingly said, “After all, the planning did work up an appetite.”
An excerpt from the original Freshman Manifesto is seen above. During Activities six weeks after the prank, hungry seniors (who weren’t smart enough or quick enough to leave campus for lunch) entered the building to find a packed house in front of them. The anonymous senior said, “It was literally one of the worst things that’s happened in my life. I felt my heart sink.” Inspired by this action, freshmen were eager to create more havoc and torture the seniors. Their plan of action was to divide themselves by clique and create ‘stations’ by each parking lot. For example, the Popular clique took over the main lots while the wilier Outsiders found F lot and conquered it.
Seniors were appalled at this discovery, knowing that their only method of transportation was thwarted by the freshmen, AGAIN. “I was fed up and annoyed,” claimed one senior. With all of this and more, freshmen stopped their reign of terror and the counterprank was done. Throughout the chaos, sophomores and juniors stared in amazement at the battle. It was surprising to some, but overall the 10th and 11th graders were impressed at the meticulous planning the 9th graders executed. Aidan Chau (‘21) admitted, “The war which sprung up from nowhere was surprisingly one of the most entertaining highlights of my year.”
To this day, freshmen still are in the canteen, just not in large amounts, and seniors have accepted that power which lies inside the seemingly powerless freshmen. The anonymous senior noted, “We’ll never forget the day we underestimated a force in a place where we least expected it. Good game, freshmen.”
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The Bolles Bugle
Missing Teacher Attendance Submissions Linked to Missing Students
Sarah Scherkenbach Contributing Human Being At the beginning of every class period, teachers are asked to take attendance to ensure all students are present. Attendance records were at their all-time high during the beginning of the new school year, but the Dean’s Office reports a vanishing interest in keeping track of kids. Over the course of the 2018-2019 school year, teachers have become notorious for neglecting to take their attendance, resulting in what we now know to be the epidemic of missing students. PSA to all students: When teachers neglect to take attendance, the entire class disappears. The students remain in a limbo-like state both physically and mentally until the class ends. The location of the students during this time is unknown. The disappearances and reappearances can be explained by teachers’ failures to take attendance in MyBackpack, also known as Senior Systems. Due to this, Mrs. Dale observed a change in student behavior: “They have been acting more sluggish since the disappearances began.” After only the first week and a half of school, freshman Elias Patterson experienced the impact of not taking attendance. He recounts the experience: “Suddenly the door opened. An office aid came in and reminded Ms. AllingtonShapiro about attendance. Everything seemed normal. Nobody in my class was surprised, but I vanished. I don’t remember anything else, just feeling like I would never be happy again.” The students that find the situation most
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troublesome are all new to the school or freshman. Senior and Bolles ‘lifer’ Jessie Norris explained that the events were “completely normal, it happens every year. The freshman and new students have never experienced it before, so they don’t know how to deal with the situation.” Sophomore Paige This drawing interpretation depicts an office aid reminding a Ellington has disap- teacher to take attendance, but when he turns around to do peared around so, the entire class has suddenly disappeared. nineteen times in the past week. She attendance during sixth block; this describes the feeling as “bone-chilling monumental day is known to students as and fearful, like we will never experience “the day of doom.” All of the disappearhappiness again, or like a dementor1 ances resulted in teachers being behind has suddenly appeared. This hopelesson their curriculum as well as the student ness lasts until the end of the class, but learning rate plummeting by 34%. it starts all over again if my next teacher forgets.” Some students even hope that by hiding under their desks they shall be marked absent because the feeling of hopelessness is better than taking the quiz they “forgot” to study for.
“Bone-chilling and fearful, like we will never experience happiness again, or like a dementor has suddenly appeared. This hopelessness lasts until the end of the class, but it starts all over again if my next teacher forgets.” -Paige Ellington (‘21)
Teachers make mistakes just like every other human on the planet, and they sometimes find themselves accidentally marking students absent by selecting the wrong button. In this scenario, students end up within their homes back in bed. On April 1, 2019, the entirety of the English Department neglected to take
Freshman Community Groups (FCG groups) have similar rules regarding attendance. When a student was present for earlier classes but does not attend the bonding activities, they shall also disappear and gain the feeling of hopelessness (with the exception of parental dismissal for appointments that are approved by the office). The Dean’s Office and many of the school’s teachers recommend that if you find yourself in this situation, it is best to report the situation and hope for the best. 1 Dementor: Creature from Harry Potter which feeds on happy memories and feelings by sucking the happiness from their surroundings. They are described being the worst creatures on the face of the earth.
CELL PHONE JAIL Ian Paris Contributing More Than You
Maker: Apple Brand: iPhone 6s Color: Gold Criminal Offense: Teacher requires cell phone jailtime for test days
Maker: Apple Brand: iPhone 8 Plus Color: Jet Black Criminal Offense: Owner of phone checked the time while walking to class
Maker: Apple Brand: iPhone XR Color: Gray Criminal Offense: Cell phone was slightly visible in backpack
Maker: Apple Brand: iPhone 6 Color: Gray Criminal Offense: Accessory to a crime: was involved in a multiplayer game while a teacher was talking
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The Bolles Bugle
2 AM thoughts Barbie Contributing Blonde
In a search to get a look into the minds of Bolles students, I asked them about their deepest thoughts. Here are some random deep thoughts everyone has had @ 2 AM
1) I know who invented the alphabet but who was the 1st person to start making a sound and referring to an thing as that sound? 2) That embarrassing time you waved to someone in the hallway and they walked right by you. 3) You will never see your face in person, only in reflections and pictures. 4) What is it like to have short term memory issues? What’s it like to have short term memory issues? Wonder what it’s...shiny object!
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5) There’s no reason the alphabet is in order. Do fingernails serve a practical purpose in modern society?
6) Regretting picking the blue shirt instead of the white shirt that you bought 4 months ago. Imagining montage of all the fun you’d have had in the white shirt. 7) Your soulmate is out there doing something random right now and doesn’t know you. But one day both of you won’t be able to imagine a time when you weren’t together. 8) The moment you’re living right now will one day be a flashback. 9) What if oxygen is poisonous and it takes 75-100 years to kill us? 10) Does my dog have a name for me?!
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