The Bolles Bugle Satire Issue by bollesbugle

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the bowles

Table of Contents 6 — Ultimate Survival: Orlando Megan 8 — AP Biology Classes Create Ludibangelo 9 — English Department Hires Bucky Barnes

Giant Cockroach

Unusual Alum

ng Tim 26 — Super-Duper Healthy Cooki Nature’s Pizza Clariss Valdivia

ch-Time Seating

27 — Students Struggle with Lun Loki Laufeyson 28 — Gru Finds his Gruuve Bucky Barnes, Sam Wilson

NTH OFF AT 30 — UPDATE: GET FIRST MO ORGANIZATION Elliana Emery

10 — Robotics Tackles AI Tank Engine 12 — Why Billie Eilish Canceled Dug the Dog

NEW

Herself

32 — “Da Boyz” Cause Chaos [Redacted]

ties

14 — Blackout Poetry with Bes Natasha Romanoff

34 — Open Letter to Teams Tired Potato

16 — Westview Immigration: Fictional Town Faces Influx Upton O. Goode

36 — The Dividers Divide Steve G. Rogers

y Equity Rule For All

17 — The End of an Era: rming has Ended The Phenomenon of Global Wa Sam Wilson

38 — FHSAA to Implement Tin Natasha Romanoff

ce Meet

40 — Going for Gold at Local Dan Ian “The Mule” Wilkinson

18 — Fair Comes to Bolles Upton O. Goode

42 — DIY Skincare Levels Up Sara Sara

19 — A Poem by Tik Tok Thor Son of Odin 20 — Department of Education Anthony Edward Stark

led in 2021

44 — A Guide To Getting Cancel Rodrick Heffley

Eliminates Emotions

led

46 — Bugle Preemptively Cancel [Redacted]

tional Quote 21 — World Shortage of Motiva Casues Apathy and Panic Thor Son of Odin

allenge 47 — 006 Connect the Dots Ch card! Fill it out and submit it to win a gift

ravaganza

22 — The Bolles Prom 2021 Ext Clariss Valdivia 24 — Science Test Su Ertekin-Taner

THANK YOU Our apologies, this page was printed upside down. Please turn the booklet around 182° CounterClockwise to properly view the Table of Contents.

Graphic Design is my Passion

So. You may be wondering, “Why in the world does this issue look so terrible?” Well, it’s because this is the Satire Issue, and we decided to add satire not only to our articles, but to the design itself! This issue is based off a classic meme in the Journalism and Design community: Graphic Design is my Passion. We’ve picked out a selection of our favorite examples of this meme below. Enjoy and remember that this is not actual news (or actual graphic design) but we hope you find some actual humor.

Editors Letter :)) Dear valued expensive mindful self-conscious electric tasty mortal spicy bald evil baby pheasants, We regret to inform you, our dearest readers, that this is our final issue for forever because we have officially been #canceled. Due to this unforeseen circumstance, we would like to thank you for your readership, which is so greatly appreciated. [Insert stuff on why we are sad] It was great to have you as part of our #bugelfam, but it is over now; you have to move on before we are wiped away from the Bowles campus. Jk, friends! Thanks for picking up (or digitally accessing) the 20202021 satire edition of The Bowles Bugel. This is always a staff favorite to produce because it gives us the opportunity to be fun and silly while addressing both serious and absurd topics. Please remember this is not actual news. We repeat: Not. Actual. News. For this issue, we chose the theme of “graphic design is my passion,” so we promise we aren’t actually terrible at layout and design.The challenge here was to make pages so bad, they’re almost good. Squint and you’ll see it. We also renamed our usual beats so, for example, Academics is now called Procrastination because we can be real with each other like that. If you would like to see behind-the-scenes fun and other Bugel-related content, follow our Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter @thebowlesbugel and, as always, please check out our website bowlesbugelonline.com. We hope you enjoy your definitely-not-news reading experience! Best,

Sam Wilson The Falcon

Bucky Barnes The Winter Soldier

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PROC R

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Two Life mangement students with Ronald McDonald moments before the fight broke. Alla Lone (right) refused to look at McDonald because of his “I learned in Anthropology that eye contact is a sign of aggression..” Credit: McDonald’s security footage

Ultimate Survival: Orlando Life Management Megladon APUSH Expert With the many changes of the 2020-2021 school year, some may have overlooked the change to Life Management’s personal finance curriculum. To keep students engaged, the old curriculum was scrapped and replaced with one based on reality TV show Ultimate Survival, where contestants strive to thrive in extreme environments, such as the Alaskan outback. 06

The new curriculum s designed to keep students on their toes and challenge their basic common sense.The Alaskan locale was rejected as being “too far away,” so designers settled for an equally grueling setting: Orlando, International Drive. “The curicculum was designed to give students an oppurtunity to demonstrate financial literacy while on their own,” Mr. Hopkins said while he maniacally laughed. In the spring semester, Life Management students were told

they were going on a field trip during The Spring break. “I was kind of confused as to why we were going on a field trip during break, but I would do anything to get away from my crazy aunt - who’s been living with us since March. MARCH 2010,” freshman Na’Kad Andafraid recalled, “I was extremely confused as to why there was a camera crew on the bus, though.” So with that said, the Life Management classes boarded our pristine white buses and were Procrastination

driven to Orlando. Upon arrival, the students claimed they were kicked off the bus with $500 and told to make it on their own for the week. However, when reaching out to Mr. Hopkins for comment, he said he “gently assisted” the pupils out of the bus. Confirmation footage could not be found.

elaborated. However, other students barely made it through the night.

“I was in shock, but I was also hungry. I have never been into a fast food restaurant before. But I braved entering a McDonald’s and bought a quarter pounder. Best $3.79 I have ever spent,” Andafraid explained.

“I wanted to go to Disney, but had to hole up in a Starbucks until my phone recharged. I needed to keep my snap streak,” freshman Lone remembered, “But I ended up fighting with an alligator after he tripped me on the street.”

However, other freshmen reacted differently. “I have never been left alone in my whole life, so I went and did everything my mother told me not to EVER do. Like eat nonorganic food and turn off my snap location so my mom can’t track me while I try to eat a whole bag of Airhead candy to experience their alleged psychedelic effects,” freshman Alla Lone explained. When night hit, many of the students worked together to find housing. One particularly clever student found a more economic option, however. “Hotel rooms are expensive. McDonalds is open 24 hours and free,” Andafraid

Four students roomed at Motel 8, of which one student exclaimed in great agony, “It should be called Motel 3/10, there’s no cell service!”

“But I ended up fighting with an alligator after he tripped me on the street.” - Lone ‘24 However, many students, like Andafraid, succeeded on their own terms. In total, of the 30 students on the trip, only 12 students sustained self-esteem threatening injuries. However, all of the 12 injured students sustained their injuries while fighting Ronald McDonald after he

tried to kick the students out from McDonalds. “Imagine the strongest villain you think of and then put the villain in clown makeup. The fight with Ronald McDonald was scarier than my crazy aunt,” Andafraid said. Andafraid succeeded by using his common sense and logical thinking, which he said he learned from English teacher Gregor Samsa. “I realized after my fight with Ronald McDonald that an Uber back to Jacksonville is only $200,” Andafraid explained. So, using $200 of the $475 he had left over from his first day, Andafraid returned home with $275 in his pocket and a McDonald’s fry-stuffed smile on his face.

“I realized after my fight with Ronald McDonald that an Uber back to to Jacksonville is only $200.” - Andafraid

Alla Lone shared her budget during her stay in Orlando. Maybe that is why she tried to crash at Disney.

Procrastination

AP Biology Classes Create Giant Cockroach Ludibangelo Wannabe Spiderman Ever since the outbreak of COVID-19, science teachers have become more creative with how they approach student lab projects, but AP Biology teacher and resident Expert in Sarcasm Dr. Halloran just came up with a truly big idea.

size but most students who have not yet been eaten by Samsa reported enjoying this lab despite the lab’s intensity. Bolles lifer April Biona commented, “This is biology after all: the study of life. It was nice finally having a lab with a living animal to interact with, even if it meant listening to Gregor’s chirping and hissing and the screams of my terrified classmates all the time.”

After joining the weightlifting team, for example, Gregor blew away the competition after proving that cockroaches really can hold up over 900 times their body weight, setting a new world record for squatting 25,000 pounds without breaking a sweat. Gregor now holds multiple world records including the highest weight squatted, most AP courses taken by a beetle, and most putrid meat eaten in one minute.

For years now, Halloran has been theorizing an experiment in which students can create an enormous cockroach and, without a science fair to turn students’ hair gray, figured this year would be the perfect time to actually follow through with this plan.

Many teachers were skeptical when AP Bio students all over campus began coming to class insisting a giant cockroach had eaten their homework but those teachers became very quiet after first meeting the beetleous behemoth.

While most lab reports are scary enough without a giant insect staring you in the face, the new lab titled “Nightmare Fuel” brings a whole new meaning to daunting. Fitting in perfectly with Unit 6: the Functions of Enzymes is to Freak Students Out, students bonded over cutting out a cockroach corpora allata (the gland responsible for growth) and inserting it into another cockroach who definitely signed the waiver. The end result: a cockroach named Gregor (named by the students who created him), which/who is either adorably or monstrously large depending whether or not you deem crawlies to be, well, creepy.

Fears of being eaten were soon laid to rest after a now literate and quite talkative Gregor assured everyone that he was not hungry for people but rather arts and culture. Gently rebuking the faculty for stereotyping, Gregor said, “Am I a beast to be so moved by music?”

Nightmare Fuel took four days to complete given its immense 8

Gregor’s School Photo Photo Credit: Bolles Yearbook

In an unexpected twist, Gregor quickly adapted to his new environment and has since donned the orange and blue polo of a Bolles student and began attending classes and immersing himself in student life in ways such as participating in athletics, contributing to the fine arts, and wasting time during activities. Gregor’s unique physiology has allowed him to excel in areas a normal Bolles student could not.

Following the school’s success with Gregor, many students are hopeful that another form of this project will return in the future. Some are even saying that creating a personalized cockroach (maybe with an orange and blue exoskeleton, ability to breathe underwater, or even capacity to do your organic chemistry homework) should replace the AP Biology Exam. Procrastination

English Dept. Hires Unusual Alum Bucky Barnes The Winter Soldier As Dr. Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from ungrammatical dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a high school English teacher. The Upper School English Department recently hired Kafka specialist Dr. Samsa to teach a specialized class on Kafka’s work as well as a newly established course on insectcentric novels and films. Samsa has had years of experience being a Periplaneta americana, more commonly known as the American cockroach, and is critically acclaimed nationwide for his ability to help students connect with the text through an ecocritical lens. “I heard of Dr. Samsa from a former colleague and wanted to bring him in because of his unique teaching methods,” Mrs. Clubb, Head of the Upper School English Department, expressed. Said practices include having students thrash around on the ground while laying on their back, unlock and open a door with their mouth (sanitizer applied), and run around the classroom on all fours while being chased by an angry adult with a newspaper. “Once the students come to realize what it is truly like living as I do, they begin to understand the circumstances of Kafka’s Gregor Samsa in a much clearer light,” Samsa explained. “Our roles are reversed. Samsa is a businessman turned bug, whereas I am a bug turned businessman.” 9

He remarkably achieves all of this from a plastic insect carrier container placed at the front of the classroom, while students just follow along with his chirping and hissing. At one point in the process, two office aides entered the classroom to drop off a note, and instead, backed away in fear of being swarmed in an attack of sophomores. “He gives us the opportunity not only to read Kafka but also to become Gregor and experience the story, which will especially helpful when we need to write our own Kafka-esque stories for his class,” Samuel Parris (‘23) commented. Not all students agree with Samsa’s unusual methods, however. “I’m not entirely sure Dr. Samsa is qualified to teach us,” Abigail Shelley (‘22) opposed. “Does he even have a Ph.D.?”

another, ultimately making Bolles a better environment. However, there is a side effect: more people have been reportedly going to the nurse for “bug-like behavior.” “My life began at Bolles. Literally… because I was born in the Biology lab like two years ago. It will forever be my home, and becoming a teacher to these incredible students, some of whom are my parents, has been an incredible opportunity,” Samsa described, tearing up. “Dr. Samsa is one chirp chirp of the best teachers I chirp chirp chirp have ever had. I will never forget the critical life skills chirp I was exposed to CHIRP in his class,” Parris explained, shedding his exoskeleton while scratching his neck with one of his newly grown six legs.

Samsa’s use of radical empathy to help students understand the text has started to go beyond the classroom, and students have been showing more empathy towards one Procrastination

Robotics Creates Teachnology Travis Scott batman edition

computer genius

Literally. Head on. By putting screens on top of mobile robots, the Robotics Club plans to enhance student learning and our campus community by creating a whole new level of robo-tech: Robo-Teach. This year our community was greatly saddened by news of the retirement plans of many beloved teachers. (Please know that though this is the satire issue, this paragraph is 100% genuine.) Dr. Bowling, Mr. Corrigan, Mr. Bied, and Mrs. Tyler, you gave your all to your students and shared your skills and insights with generosity, humor, and grace. You will be missed. But, though you may be gone-enjoying retirement adventures or simple peace and quiet--you will not be forgotten because the Robotics Team has found a way to make it so that teachers never actually retire. Many a teacher has joked that he or she will never be able to retire, whether from loving the job too much or having a mortgage too high. And students become used to seeing familiar faces on campus. And the Robotics Club needs projects. And the seniors reading Frankenstein need a contemporary example of what happens when you push the boundaries of creation. So, the Robo-Teach program was born. An abandoned warehouse full of life-sized Terminator D.I.Y. kits from the 2002 Sharper Image catalog provided the base for 10

On their first day out, the bots greeted students as students arrived on campus. Photo Credit: Tractor Scott the project. “They’re surprisingly good quality,” said Tony Stark (‘22), President of the Robotics Club, “though they do have a tendency to bump up against the steps leading into Schultz and we once found the Bowling-bot in the fountain.” Stark hastened to reassure reporters that the Robotics Club had removed the lasers and other weaponry from the Terminator models. “Whatever damage these teachers’ high standards may have done to some students’ GPA’s,” said the long-time Robotics Club member, “In their bot form, they are ambassadors for peace.” Atop the bot bodies are computer monitors scavenged from the Bolles Hall second floor computer lab. Each monitor has a blackand-white image of each teacher’s most flattering yearbook photo. In this way, the Robotics Club hopes to blend humanity and technology in a completely non-alarming way.

Hoping to address any worries about impersonal interaction, the Robotics Club has loaded each bot with the latest in what they like to call “teachnology” and school principals everywhere call “found money.” Recorded lectures from Big Blue Button conferences from March-May of 2020 contain such pedagogical gems as, “You’re muted. Nope, still muted.” and “Hang on, I’m going to reload the conference.” “Human teachers, you’ve been terminated,” said Stark. “Jk. No, I’m serious. Nah, totally jk.” Students can feel free to aapproach the Tyler-bot for reminders about psychology homework and dress code rules. The Corrigan-bot seems to enjoy the meditation garden. Unfortunately, the Bied-bot has been taken in for reprogramming as it won’t let anyone near the pencils. Procrastination

ASSIMILATION

dug the dog

your fav drama reporter

In the history of cancel culture within the digital walls of Twitter Town, no person has ever had the audacity to cancel one’s self. Until now. Buglefeed Entertainment has the exclusive on this unprecedented, totally not newsworthy event. Recent happenings reveal Billie Eilish has become the first celebrity to cancel herself. But unlike the simplicity of her message of self-criticization, the story of how she got there is complicated. When Eilish won the 2021 Grammy for Record of the Year, fans felt the entire world stop revolving around the Sun, as Megan Thee Stallion (basically, in the eyes of superfans, she is the Sun) was the fan favorite and expected heir to the ROTY throne. “This is really embarrassing for me,” Eilish admitted in her acceptance speech, knowing the audience grew disappointed at her sudden victory. “I wanna cry thinking about how much I love you [Queen Stallion], you’re so beautiful, you’re so talented.” However, despite Eilish’s warm compliments, Ms. Thee Stallion was less pleased by the Grammy’s end result. Only a day later, she penned and released a song entitled “You Should Be Embarrassed.” The lyrics of the first verse arguably point to Eilish: “Don’t you ‘Megan, girl’ me, don’t you say that I’m a queen. Don’t you say you care, don’t you dare, your lies are faker than your ugly hair.” 12

why billie eilish canceled herself

WRITER’S NOTE: Critics are split on the true meaning of Megan’s song. Some argue it is a straightup comeback pointed at Eilish, while others suggest Miss Stallion is simply honing her artistic craft by exploring new pathways for creative expression. In my opinion, it is quite obvious that Megan is forging history with her record-breaking single, one that is adorned with poetic lyricism, which, by providing commentary on Eilish’s success, indirectly addresses the bold inequalities of representation present at the Grammys. But let’s just say your English teacher told you that.

A storm of tweets discussing Miss Stallion’s bold power anthem began to trend in Twitterville. “What a girlboss,” one user remarked, “you tell that billie girl to take her baggy clothing and depressing music out of your sight.” Others were less supportive of Stallion’s response. “OMG! Billie didn’t do anything to hurt u Megan :( why can’t we all just b friends??? <3,” TwitterTopia resident BillieFan1218 suggested.

WRITER’S NOTE: Now, as the head reporter of Buglefeed Entertainment, I can tell you with 100% certainty that BillieFan1218 is an internet troll. No person with sensible faculties would type b instead of be. Also, that heart emoticon comes straight out of the book of the passive-aggressive pseudo-pacifist. My point stands.

But the real drama didn’t begin until three days after the Grammys, when Eilish revealed that she dyed her hair blonde (whether or not it’s due to Megan’s lyrics is debated), a choice which left Eilish fans both underwhelmed and irritated. The now-former fans and indignant inhabitants of the Twitter Estates began to express their disapproval. One user stated, “billie’s hair is so ugly omg. where’s our edgy queen?” Another user chimed in: “billie isn’t the same anymore. i used to like her hair and her whisper voice but now they just irritate me ugh.” In response to these hate messages, Eilish posted an open message via Planet Twitter: “i’ve learned over the past week that Assimilation

Actual visual representation of Eilish after she realized she was the internet’s top hated celeb. photo credit: tbh idk im just the messenger metropolis responded with the now-trending hashtag. Even Her Majesty Megan contributed to the Twitter riot with a simple message: “guess you got everything you wanted #BillieIsOverParty.” And guess what? Insider intel reveals that things aren’t going too well for Eilish. Her second cousin twice removed told Buglefeed that due to an abhorrent “cancel stench,” Eilish’s brother no longer talks to her.

criticism is an indicator of much needed change,” she claimed, “but i guess i made the wrong change. to all who think i am not edyg [sic] enough, i am sorry.”

Some people resorted to even more extreme theories, though, suggesting Eilish’s presence on the surface of planet Earth

had entirely disappeared. This prompted a new hashtag, #wheresbillie, which encouraged people everywhere to scour the world for this problematic soul. While many creatures in the Twitter oceania claimed to have spotted the rare vampire squid that is Billie Eilish, only one boasts semi-tangible evidence of her location. Seen behind an array of makeup products at a Walmart in an undisclosed Georgia city, someone who looks a lot like Eilish appears to have blindingly blonde hair, dressed in a teal sweater that is two sizes too big, wearing a name tag that boringly spells out “Charlene.” But when fans found the location from the image’s metadata and traveled there to see her, they met a confused Walmart manager, who told them that Charlene had left town days ago. Thus, the case of the lost Billie Eilish remains unfinished. However, on the bright side (seeing as it’s the Sun herself we are talking about), the Academy rightfully gifted the Grammy for Record of the Year to the Queen of Music herself, Miss Megan Thee Stallion. And although no one knows the discrete location to where the former victor fled, enough birds in the Twitter aviary are placated by the fall of one artist, and the rise of another.

Compared to her usual take-noprisoners attitude, this repentant side of Eilish became the new talk of the Twitterville (though one couldn’t imagine more talk than this). Fans were left flabbergasted. Was she really sorry? Was it all a publicity stunt? Did she really misspell edgy? Eilish then performed the utterly unexpected. Five hours after her previous “apology,” she posted a message with nothing but a hashtag: #BillieEilishIsOverParty. (Twitter users generally attach a name to “IsOverParty” to cancel a celebrity.) She finally had done it. Completely out of the blue, Billie Eilish had canceled herself. Thousands of users in the city of Twitter 13

It’s simply the survival of the fittest. This viral image of Eilish garnered five million views. photo credit: um the internet lol

Assimilation

Very Serious Blackout Poetry Natasha Romanoff Journalist by day, spy by night

In honor of National Poetry Month and because she lost a bet with the Vision, the author turned the Table of Contents from the official Florida DMV Driver’s Manual into soul-searing poetry. Snap, don’t clap, to show your appreciation.

Assimilation

FAKE NEWS!1!!1!

Westview Immigration: Fictional Town Faces Influx Upton O . Goode Clandes tine Op eration

s Edito r

The quaint little town of Westview, New Jersey has two problems. Firstly, hundreds of thousands of people want to move there, threatening its peaceful existence, and secondly, it doesn’t exist. Whether you prefer to consider it a product of Wanda Maximoff’s trauma, a desperate grasp at stability where none exists, or simply a creative invention of writer Jac Schaeffer, there’s no escaping the hard truth: the town came from someone’s head. It just kind of popped into existence like Athena, clad in glimmering plot armor. Nevertheless, Americans from all walks of life are trying to find the idyllic town, creating an unhinged, I mean, vibrant online community of treasure hunters in the process. For example, on r/ WestviewHunters, a popular subreddit for these daring adventurers, theories abound. “It doesn’t appear on any maps,” wrote u/ INeedALife. “I don’t think they want us to find it.”

There was definitely not a loud bang before the signal went out. No, that is a thing that most certainly did not happen. At all. Others, meanwhile, have taken to searching for Westview by contacting those they suspect to be residents, much to the annoyance of retired pharmacist Wanda Maximoff, 74, of Little Rock, Arkansas.

“These people, they keep calling me, asking if I really am Wanda Maximoff. And of course I say yes, because I am. But then they ask, ‘where is Westview?’ The heck if I know where he is. That’s a stupid name for a dog anyway. He’s probably dead,” she A sign welcomes visitors and grumbled.

immigrants to Westview. Photo via US Department of Defense

When the Bugle reached out for clarification on who exactly they were, it received a reply from an unlisted number of, “You know, them. The government or corporations or something. Or maybe they don’t want

us to know who they are. What if they’re... ”

Likewise, a representative from Vision Enterprises, LLC., a Seattle-based telecommunications company, stated that his company has received thousands of phone calls and emails in the past few months inquiring about the Vision, a humanoid robot built using the mythical Mind Stone.

“We don’t have a robotics department. And we definitely don’t do any of that witchcraft nonsense with the stones or any of that,” said Joe King, the company’s assistant to the manager of the Department of Understanding and Managing Machinations of Imbecility to the Extreme (DUMMIE). Some fans, apparently knowing the show to be fictional but not quite able to let go of their isolation-induced fever dreams, have reached out to Jac Schaeffer and Marvel president Kevin Feige regarding its location. “It’s not real, man,” Feige was heard telling a distraught fan at a convention. “Oh, come on. Do you know how much this shirt cost? Now there’s Diet Coke on it. That’s never gonna come out. I hate to break it to you, but pouring your drink on me will not realize your unhealthy escapist fantasy. We literally made it up.”

Westview (Canis lupus familiaris) is in fact alive. Photo via Upton O. Goode

Fake News

The End of an Era:

The Phenomenon of Global Warming Has Ended Sam Wilson The Falcon

Scientists keep telling us that global warming is a very real issue and that the Earth will have irreversible climate damage within the next 10 years if we do not act fast. Exxon Mobil recently announced their newest endeavor of manufacturing a new air-conditioning system that will supposedly “solve global warming” said Exxon representative, Petroleum Smith. Like a window unit sticks out of a building, the machine will be lodged into the grand canyon. Because of its complicated make-up, there is no plan in place to repair it if it breaks. If the unit malfunctions/explodes/ breaks, I guess the earth will go back to being warm! Exxon spokesman said, “Our repair plan is like our plan for the earth. We better hope that nothing happens to it... Exxon chose “the Big Chill” over variety of efforts regarding climate change to help decrease this phenomenon of “global warming” such as impractical plans like ecofriendly renewable fuel sources.

about using fossil fuels, but now it is like the world will end if we don’t find a more ‘environmentally friendly’ environmental solution.” In fact, the lawsuits made against Exxon just last year have been eradicated since Exxon has introduced their newest project of creating an in-planet air conditioner/ heating system that will solve global warming. The thing is, people have speculated that Exxon is only creating this air-conditioning gimmick as a way to keep selling fossil fuels, since gasoline is the only thing that will fuel this air-conditioner. The executive in the polar bear suit said, “It is a perfectly thought out scheme if you think about it.”

stated, “But, I know that Exxon would never leverage this air conditioner to control governments once the world becomes dependent on it for survival.” Coincidentally, the first A/C unit was constructed in the southwest of the United States. It actually covers all of Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona, Utah, Nevada, and California. The Exxon executive who, as it turned out was wearing an actual polar bear’s skin, denied any speculation that this positioning of the unit has completely killed the up-andcoming solar power industry. The only question consumers need to ask themselves is this: How cool is Exxon? Or, maybe, how hot?

An environmentalist (whose family is being held hostage by Exxon)

“I just do not believe this nonsense. How does it still snow and drop to freezing temperatures if global warming is such an issue? It just does not make sense”, says Exxon CEO Clyma Change. Another Exxon spokesperson (who, I should note, was dressed as a polar bear) stated, “Supposedly, the main cause of global warming is from the use of fossil fuels. Fossil fuels have clearly been in use for a while (after all, they are FOSSIL fuels), so why is this an issue now? 10-20 years ago no one made a fuss

The convenient location of the newly installed Exxon Air Conditioner Unit in the Chihuahuan Desert. Photo credit: The Falcon Fake News

Fair Comes to Bolles Upton O . Goode Clandes tine Op eration

Nah, it’s probably fine. s Edito r

Since the Greater Jacksonville Agricultural Fair is anticipating lower attendance, and therefore less revenue due to the pandemic, it’s looking to branch out to include multiple smaller events, rather than one big festival.

Enter the Convocation AttentionKeeping Exercise System (CAKES).

I’m sure you know where this is going.

The Convocation Concentration Continuation Program (CCCP).

Upper School administrators have become aware of a problem— students just aren’t paying attention in convocations, as proven by behaviors like covert cell phone use and staring vacantly into the abyss that is the universe. To address this problem, in a radical and unprecedented move, they have conducted a survey and hired an outside consultant to assess the situation.

I don’t know, they’re still working on it.

The Mandatory Meeting Organization Regarding People’s Gatherings (MMORPG).

“It’s brilliant!” exclaimed Pam Demmick, a member of the Fair’s Board of Directors. “What better customers than bored teenagers laden with their parents’ money? And it’s not like there’s anything better for them to spend it on; they’re at school.” In addition to popcorn, cotton candy,

Events for the upcoming convocations, in this order, are the Pirate Ship ride for the seniors’ final college counseling meeting, the 3 Ring Super Circus for Awards Day, and the Jump! Dog Show for final exam preparation tips.. While some board members campaigned to include the Craft Beer Lounge, that did not come to fruition for legal reasons. Test runs in other schools have shown promise. For example, when a similar program was implemented at Jefferson High School in Mulberry City, Alabama, students just couldn’t get enough. “It’s always the highlight of my day,” said Don Key, a junior. “I don’t really know what it is I’m supposed to be learning, but whatever it is, I’m paying attention.

All available metrics suggest that Key is not alone in this change. Ronson According to a Consulting found far detailed analyfewer instances of sis by Manny phone usage and Numbers, a void-staring impollster with the mediately after the Incident Departprogram was implement of Ronson mented, and has esConsulting timated that student (IDRC), the attention now averaverage student ages 99.6 percent. is focused on Trials show that while the convocation information retention only 5.6 percent has improved by a of the time, with significant 36.1 perresults for indicent, there may be no vidual students substitute to checking ranging from Schoology five times 0.01 to 11.2 A simulation of the fair was leaked to the Bugle by an anonyand still forgetting percent. mous source. what you meant to Administrators look up in the first have realized that if they want stuplace as far as getting information and t-shirts, each convocation will dents to receive the critical informaabove the state-recommended 80 now have one attraction to get stution conveyed in class convocations, percent mark. dents in the proper headspace for they need to make some changes. learning… or something like that. It Regardless, I’m sure students and And so they have. may be worthwhile to consider that teachers alike will be thrilled by this wealthy financier Neppo Tiste owns new program. both Ronson Consulting and the Fair.

Fake News

A Poem by Tik Tok Thor Son of Odin Sparkle Fingers

This “article” may defy explanation but don’t let that deter you from trying to find all the pop culture references.

None of you are popular enough to understand these references. Ladies and gentlemen, her. alright we’re here just sitting in the car bongo la bongo cha cha cha. It’s today, tomorrow, the next day, and them days after that. Period. You look like a sprinkles guy. Reeses puffs Reeses puffs eat em up eat em up eat em up eat em up. Rawr. That’s why I love Nestle Crunch. Randle there’s a cow outside This is a cow farm YOU’RE GONNA HAVE COWS OUTSIDE So Sza why is it so hard to accept that the party is over girl you got school in the morning. Oh my god he’s dead, no! If you’re feelin lucky and need a little bit of company you met me at the perfect time. Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh I’m getting ripped tonight no more fortnite! You know me, No I don’t! I’ve been waitin for this one, turn it up! GOOD MORNING EVERYONE TODAY IS THE DAY THE SUN IS SHINING THE TANK IS CLEAN *gasp* The tank is clean. Good morning everyone, God has let me live another day, And I’m about to make it everyone’s problem.

PLEASE NOTE: The image portrayed means ‘ice in their veins’ which is used by a lot of basketball players meaning “cold blooded”. This means that the person is feeling clutch (cool) under pressure. The roots of this image probably stem from methods of using illegal drugs--we did not research these because we know to say no but we did want to register that this actual image makes this gesture from drug culture ironic. People with ice in their veins do not do drugs becausese they are too cool to do drugs. And now this explanatory note is 19

Fake News

Department of Education Eliminates Emotions Anthony Edward Stark “This does need to be addressed because our top priority is to Genius, Billionaire, avoid any semblance of emotional Playboy, Philanthropist stress. We must always keep the emotional temperature as cool as BREAKING NEWS: On January possible, regardless of the issue, 29, 2021, The U.S. Board of for the well-being of our students, Education announced their teachers, and alumni.” new, patented thermometer to assess all policy issues to So, their most expensive solution ensure a completely emotionless (which was obviously the best environment for school option because it costs more communities. money) was to implement a new For the past year, we have all had our actual temperatures taken every day. But what if we had thermometers measuring our emotional temperatures, to see what we are feeling and how issues affect us?

protocol using a NASA-designed and Tesla-manufactured emotional thermometer to determine the “temperature” of certain topics and

When asked about the reality of anxiety toward demanding academic classes and poor grades, DeVos commented, 20

In less than 60 days of implementation, 20 topics have been assessed by the thermometer with only one passing all three dials. One was from when The Bolles School has agreed to be beta testers for the issue moving forward, “whether to add a Starbucks on the Upper School Campus.” UPDATE… This just in, this Starbucks issue has NOT

This is heralded as

a true bi-partisan effort welcomed by exhausted former Trumpies and folks who just can not work up any enthusiasm for Biden. “Any issue that creates any emotion- worry, anxiety, or excitement- is not welcome here. We want to maintain an emotionless or apathetic environment at all times to not upset any group of people, and prepare our students for a future workplace environment,” former Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos said.

discussion on campus. The thermometer also monitors everyone on campuses and will alert officials if any joy, confusion, ambiguity, or stress is detected so that the issue can be neutralized so that we can maintain a neutral environment.

passed

policies among the community. This device is modeled after the freeze ray designed by the famous scientist and inventor Dr. Nefario of Despicable Me. The thermometer includes several dials to measure an issue’s emotional stimulation and school fit. The dials read, “Mild emotion?,” “Intense emotion?”, and “Emotion I’ve never felt before?” Any issue must pass all three dials and must be in the yellow zone, as the red zone is far too extreme. Those ideas that are not in the yellow zone are swiftly eliminated and labeled CENSORED from further

the emotional thermometer… there was a miscalculation, and a dial is in the yellow zone... The thermometer’s ruling is, “feelings will be brought to non-coffee drinkers on-campus.” Alas, no lattes between classes.

Center drawing: The NASA-designed and Tesla-manufactured emotional thermometer, that was implemented nation-wide. Photo Credit: You know who I am Fake News

World Shortage of Motivational Quotes Causes Apathy and Panic Thor Son of Odin Sparkle Fingers Every Friday around midafternoon the Deans’ office posts an inspirational quote on Schoology. In hopes to bring more light to the very, very, very, very, very, very, dark times. However, the Quote Tradition established by the deans has caused a worldwide inspirational quote shortage. Coaches, life coaches, teachers, and corporate coaches around the world are opening their mouths to say something inspirational and falling surprisingly silent.

now or say something totally off topic. Trying to prep the team for a demanding 400 butterfly, Coach Smith meant to say something about discipline but instead said, “Seek success but prepare for vegetables.” The swimmers responded with a rousing cry of “Hate the mountains!” and then everyone headed out to the pool, unmotivated and confused.

students out before exams. It backfired. The speaker totally spaced out on stage and could not say a word. So Mr. Payne turned on the projector and showed the students pictures of puppies and kittens.

Students now repeat parental nagging or grammatical corrections to help them try and finish that essay they’ve been putting off for a week now.

The entire TED conference franchise has folded into bankruptcy. Investigators have traced the migratory path of inspirational quotes to Bolles and accused the deans of quote-hoarding. Dean Denmark justified this behavior by pointing out that finding an inspirational quote every Friday is not an easy task. In fact, it is getting harder and harder for the Deans’ office to even find quotes. “There’s only so many ways to say ‘keep calm and carry on’,” said Denmark while our reporter jogged to keep up with the golf cart. Running out of inspirational quotes is even spreading around to the students. When girls go to the beach and take pictures with their friends they don’t know what to put as their caption anymore. Coaches draw a blank during their pre-game speeches; they just kind of stare at the players 21

One of the sticky notes that a student put in her room to help her with homework. It doesn’t even calm her down.

Which actually helped.

Captions nowadays are just auto generated by hitting the middle word on your phone keyboard. Mary Motivation said, “I’ve started to put sticky notes with words my parents nag to me around my room to help me do my homework. It doesn’t really help.” To help with the complete lack of motivation Bolles brought in a motivational speaker to help

Valedictorians’ speeches have become purely predictive text. Harvard’s speech concluded, “We are gathered here today and we have a lot better in our room and I have to be at home in the next weekend and then I’m going to get the food ready.” While senior gifts are usually a plaque, this year the senior class of 20221 will give the library a book of motivational quotes, in hopes of a very very very very very very less dark year next year. Fake News

Prom 2021 Theme Suggestions Adora Contributing Princess of Power

Another suggestion includes another academic discipline: science. Prom themes that are science-related include “Biochemical Leak in a Science Facility,” which has the following rules:

Hey, Event Planning Committees everywhere: With the stress of event planning and taking account the need for social distancing and safety, we the Prom Overlords, patrons of Sweet Valley High, Riverdale, and all movies ever that end up at the prom would like to offer you this list of totally inappropriate prom themes.

- Hazmat suit and mask (not optional) - Oxygen tank (optional) - No pants with pockets And last, but certainly not least, “Late Middle Ages”:

Prom 2021 offers many fun new and “safe” twists... since we’re in the middle of a pandemic and all. One of the themes of Prom 2021 is literarythemed after a favorite Poe story. Doesn’t “Masque of the Red Death” just roll off the tongue? It’s COVID-friendly, as long as the students abide by the following rules: - Plague doctor mask (not optional) - Long European gown (cannot be above the ankle) - Bloodletting (optional)

- Full body armor and helmet (not optional) - Oakeshott Type XII sword (optional)*** - Horse (optional) Other fun options include Beekeeper convention, The Handmaid’s Tale, and the evertraditional Under the Sea theme with everyone in scuba gear. “We were kinda caught off guard since we didn’t think there was going to be a prom. I just hope nobody can tell we were running out of ideas,” Cher Horowitz, Queen of the Prom Overlords commented, “Wait, you can cut that part out right?”

***PS: For Medieval theme: NO DUELS

Fake News

SCIENCE TEST 35 Minutes—40 Questions DIRECTIONS: There are several passages in this test. Each passage is followed by several questions. After reading a passage, choose the correct answer to each question and fill in the corresponding oval on your answer document. You may refer to the passages as often as necessary. You are NOT permitted to use a calculator on this test.

Passage I This week, there has been a statewide implementation of a new program to encourage online students to move to school classrooms. Recently, there has been an influx of on-again offagain online students, which plagues teachers’ endeavors at mastering attendance when they can only vaguely see foreheads in a dark room and distinguishing between the five identically-sized brunettes with straight hair wearing the same color mask and some variation of plaid pants. To boost school spirit and attendance, Florida schools have decided upon a program modeled after USA’s most recent dating show disaster: Temptation Island. During the show, producers try to tear young couples apart by separating them into different houses and offering a slew of eligible bachelors and bachelorettes for them to go on dates with. As if the Bachelor was not enough, in this show there are fourteen bachelors AND bachelorettes. Schools are implementing a new and 24

more diverse take on this popular reality TV show to tempt online students into experiencing the rest of the year in an in-class setting. The acronym for the new program is T.E.M.P.T. In theory, if the first stage of the program, represented by a letter in the acronym falters, the next stage will be employed for each online student. The mnemonic goes as follows: Passage II T. Thirty Minutes of Extra Screen Time The first of the five levels of temptation is offering thirty minutes of extra screen time from home for online students. Taken straight from the book of failing parents, this level of temptation attempts to pressure online students into taking classes in person by offering the reward of extra screen time from home. The administration’s use of Kohlberg’s punishment-reward complex was not kindly regarded by any of the online students. In fact 99.99% refused this method of temptation arguing anonymously that they, “***** already ********* had too much ******** screen time for ***** sake.”

Passage III E. Eligible Bachelors As a reminder, if the previous stage of temptation does not cater to the online students enough and they plan to still take classes online, the next stage commences. The eligible bachelor stage uses reality show strategy to obtain its goal of transferring online students to in-person students. By offering the school’s scientifically deemed most attractive students (by grade level) for the online students to date for a week, the school modifies Kohlberg’s instrumental orientation phase of moral development in which online students must make a decision dependent upon what is in their best interest. Both parties get community service hours as an added bonus. Because high school dating life defines every student’s career, marriage, and lifelong personality, the administration reasoned that it is, indeed, in the average upper schooler’s best interest to partake in in-person school so that they may date, for a week, a fetching in-person student. Practice Exam 2 | Cancel Culture

4 Passage IV M. Money The state school administrations will be auctioning subsidies to certain popular stores for online students who decide to join in-person classrooms. The gift cards they are offering include: 1) Blockbuster gift card which many high schoolers previously thought was a high-end boxing complex, 2) $5,000 Toys-RUs gift card which many high school students remarked were, “so vintage” and 3) Pier 1 Imports gift card which high school students failed to realize was a store that has already gone bankrupt and does not provide sales on private yacht trips. The students failed to realize the gift cards were irredeemable. Despite misconceptions of store names and what they actually sell, 54.3% of high school students submitted to the T.E.M.P.T. process at this stage. Passage V P. PJ Day The PJ Day stage begins with an email extending an offer to online students to wear whatever they would like for the day if they attend inperson school and ends when groggy upper schoolers show up to physical school the next day in PJs. That’s right! 32% of high schoolers

were tempted at this stage to return to in-person school. The remaining 68% reminded themselves that they already wore pajamas to school every day and settled down in their Mickey Mouse PJ pants and pegasus stitched shirt without replying to the email. Passage VI T. This season’s best college recommendation letters As a last resort, the state administration is willing to give up this season’s best college recommendation letters to online students of all grades. Teachers, already dragging themselves out of their too comfy couches to try to write something positive about students they barely remember, were “not ready” for this new demand of college recommendation letters. The reasoning being is that every high school student will eventually have to go through the college application process and submit a perfected, fresh-off-the-printer college recommendation letter.

department, an Excel document was created to determine which teacher a given online student desired a recommendation from. After a screening process by neuroscience teacher Dr. Lieb, a psychoanalysis process by biology and AP Research and Seminar teacher Dr. Halloran, and a trigonometric clarification process by precalculus honors teacher Mr. Corrigan, the list was complete and ready for deployment. While most juniors yielded to this stage of temptation, sophomores and freshmen did not, arguing that college is a phantasm anyway. Now, there are still a couple hundred online students remaining after the T.E.M.P.T process. A proxy process called W.O.O. may be on the way, however. The pillars for this program have not been released yet, but it’s safe to say the administration will be anything but loose in its implementation.

This booklet was written by Su Ertekin-Taner.

This temptation might be an improvisation, but it also fulfills one of the most important pillars of a high school education: preparing students for a great college experience, and therefore, should be regarded as the most important. At Bolles, through the combined efforts of teachers ranging from the science department to the English

END OF TEST 2 STOP! DO NOT TURN THE PAGE UNTIL TOLD TO DO SO. DO NOT RETURN TO A PREVIOUS TEST.

Practice Exam 2 | Cancel Culture

SUPER-DUPER HEALTHY COOKING TIME: Now, the tomato sauce. That junk is packed full of Nature’s Pizza Adora Contributing Princess of Power Hello and welcome back to Super-Duper Healthy Cooking Time with your host, Moonchild Johansson Grass-eater the Fourth, an unlicensed nutritionist and professional viber. Today, we’re going to make Nature’s Pizza! This idea was inspired by the Nature’s Cereal trend on TikTok, which, if you hadn’t heard, is pomegranate, ice, and coconut water! Super healthy! And probably super tasty too, it’s water and fruit, and it’s got just enough calories to leave you ravenous and dizzy two whole hours before lunch! Well, today we have a couple alternatives to unhealthy foods that you might love! Let’s get this crust! Metaphorically, of course, crust has carbs.

processed sugar! No, no, let’s go more locally, like get some home grown tomatoes! Wait, you don’t have home-grown tomatoes? Sorry, I just didn’t know I was dealing with a failure. Fine, whatever, I’m sure any vegetable will do. Oh wait, tomatoes are a fruit. I’m sure any fruit will do then, toss in some apple slices and call it a day. Scratch that, fruit has sugar! So, let’s stick to vegetables. A super healthy one, like horseradish! Everyone loves horseradish! So add in some slices of that, and you’re done! You may have to wrangle them into the clumps of wheat, just so they don’t fall off. You may have to use some glue, which can also double as the cheese with half the calories! I’m sure it’s looking more like pizza by the second! Now, the cheese. Cheese is full of dairy, which is not good for you, I think. Anyways, for a very healthy replacement, let’s just go back to cheese’s original form: milk! But milk is super fattening, so let’s just use coconut water. Coconut water is a healthier alternative to coconut milk, which is healthier than regular milk, which is healthier than cheese! See, it’s all coming together. So you drench your concoction in coconut water and throw it in the oven, hope you don’t burn down your house, and enjoy! If you try it, let us know what you thought at 500-500-I’VE-BEEN-

TRAPPED-IN-THE-WRITERS-BASEMENT-

BEFORE Credit: Adora

NATURE’S PIZZA

This recipe is super healthy and super duper organic. It’s low carb, low gluten, low everything!** **MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF CARB AND GLUTEN.

First, let’s take away that dough for the crust. It’s like, all carb. Let’s replace it with something healthier and more organic, like stalks of wheat. That’s basically bread! And whole grain! Imagine how good all those crunchy little seeds will feel in your teeth! 26

AFTER Credit: Adora Cancel Culture

Students Struggle with LunchTime Seating Loki Laufeyson

Burdened with glorious purpose

Due to constantly changing weather the canteen and cafeteria are sometimes the only places to eat lunch without suffering through heat, cold, or rain. Since students were unable to remain socially distanced while eating it is now strictly forbidden to eat in Bent, so the situation grows worse. Franklin Ramsey ‘22 said, “One day during lunch I opened a

the curb in F-Lot, an alternate dimension within the flagpole, and the big stall of the auditorium bathroom. “Rain or shine, it’s always reliable.” said one student, sheltering under the corner of an umbrella trying to finish an orange while simultaneously typing an essay. High School bathrooms throughout history have been a popular spot for but now they’re full of students trying to finish their lunch before they are caught by the deans.

package of goldfish, while social distancing, on the couches Caption: An inside look at of Bent and as I the Oak Cafe owned by the took a bite I saw Gray Family. teachers come Photo Credit: Addison Rae pouring out of Anthony classrooms from Michael all angles, running and jumping Hall who played over bushes, scaling the side of The Geek in Sixteen Bent they hurled themselves onto Candles and is the balcony, a social distancing therefore an SWAT team. They were screaming expert on high school and flailing their arms as a crumb life said, “I remember fell to the floor. Where I saw a the days when I single student simply trying to would wager bets eat their lunch they saw a herd of with my friends in the students crowded together sharing bathroom, unmasked. food and germs.. I spent the rest Those were the days.” of lunch on the balcony, in the rain.” Other popular places to eat lunch include inside a Asked where they eat lunch the Bolles Hall locker and a quaint most popular spots included, restaurant within an oak tree run 27

by a lovely family of squirrels. “Before COVID the Oak Cafe was completely empty, it was my favorite spot to eat and I am very close with the Gray family, but now everyone wants to eat there, the poor family is overwhelmed, they don’t have enough paws to handle all the new business, and I no longer have the place to myself.” Said Sherman Fox ‘21. While at first glance it appears there is plenty of outdoor seating available, it seems that Florida’s predictable pattern of weather being unpredictable and teenage herd behavior make finding a place to eat lunch a precarious adventure.

Caption: Anthony Michael Hall showing off his burger in the bathroom. Photo Credit: Molly Ringwald Cancel Culture

Gru Finds His Gruuve Sam Wilson The Falcon “I am so excited to work with the students and faculty on such a gorgeous campus. The river campus at night is especially beautiful, with the moon shining so big and bright,” Felonious Gru excitedly expressed. Because Dean Newman will be switching to a job in Alumni Relations next school year, the Head Supervisor of Pixar, to the surprise of many parents, sent an email on Thursday, April 1st, revealing that Newman’s replacement will be Despicable Me, Despicable Me 2, and Despicable Me 3 star Felonious Gru. Gru graduated from the University of New Mexico with a master’s degree in engineering, and shortly 28

Bucky Barnes The Winter Soldier thereafter, he teamed up with Dr. Joseph Albert Nefario to patent various inventions, including their famous Boogie Robots. Gru’s main goal for Bolles is to help it advance technologically (sorry Microsoft, but we’ve upgraded). “Instead of marking certain benches to promote social distancing, I plan on using my favorite invention, the fart gun. If students weren’t social distancing before, they certainly would be after a single blast,” he elaborated. However, after testing it for a week, it seemed that teenage boys were largely unphased by the odor, especially the male student-athletes who have been desensitized to strongfrom their

constant interaction with the boys locker room. Despite that trial’s failure, Gru also intends to remove Office Aide as an available elective for students and instead will assign such roles to minions Bob, Stuart, and Kevin. Teachers will additionally no longer be required to oversee Activities or Lunch Duties; other minions will be taking over these positions as well. This change has already been implemented with the permission of no one, and circulating rumors suggest that minions, when needed, will also substitute for absent teachers. Besides inventing, Gru previously dabbled in crime and is most famously known for stealing the moon, which he later returned to the relief of all humanity. This aspect of his resume was a gamechanger in the hiring process because “it helped prove that I am a good problem solver, which is crucial when dealing with teenagers. Who else would have thought to shrink the moon? When you have a challenge, sometimes you have to get creative, and that is okay. Just don’t give up on your goals,” he revealed. With his life of crime in the past, Gru originally decided to settle down for the sake of his family and began making jellies, but that did not last long, for his experience committing crime made him particularly adept in fighting it. On a government-assigned mission from the Anti-Villain League (AVL), attempting to thwart Eduardo Perez, more commonly known as “El Macho,” he met his wife, Lucy Wilde, and together, they have proven to be both skilled partners-in-fightingcrime and life partners. 29

Caption: Photo Credit: A trial run of the new fart gun social distancing protocol Gru’s decision to transfer to Bolles was surprisingly not his own. In fact, his three daughters Margo (‘24), Edith (‘27), and Agnes (‘30) originally suggested that he pursue this role after attending Bolles for three years. “My girls, they’ve seen me at my best and my worst. They inspire me every day, and I want to be able to watch them continue to flourish and grow in such an environment as Bolles.”

Below: While Mr. Dickson was absent, a minion look-alike was called in to take over.

Ironically, two weeks after the announcement of Felonious Gru’s new job, Bishop Kenny hired Dru Gru in an attempt to fuel the flames of rivalry between Bolles and BK. Nevertheless, students once and for all will see which school reigns supreme (unlike Scarlet Overkill) when the Crusaders’ football team plays against the Bulldog Minion Army on Friday, April 30th. Smiling with twinkling eyes, Gru expressed his plans, “I cannot wait to see through the potential of this school as soon as I fully get my hands on it. It is perfect for so many possibilities…” Cancel Culture

Caption: A visual of how user’s describe their experience within a few days after signing up with the SCAM company. Photo Credit: Chief Confusion

UPDATE: GET FIRST MONTH OFF AT NEW ORGANIZATION Dr. Elliana Bieber PhD Psychologist

If you’re in high school and still haven’t gotten any calls from SCAM, then you’re obviously not following the trend everyone else has already hopped on. SCAM (Stress, Compulsion, Anxiety, & 30

Misery) is a new organization that is here to recruit stressed high school students (which is all of us) to participate in free totally nonstress-inducing phone calls. They are offering you half off for the first month you sign up with them if you refer to a friend! No need to worry, I know you’ve been blowing off SCAM calls

since you may think they’re unsafe, but if you answer that call it can change your life! The great part is, once you sign up you will never leave. “I was filled with a lot of emptiness until I realized what I was missing out on,” Sophia Landy (‘22) admitted. “I’m constantly worrying and overthinking so now I have to feel something persistently. It’s great!” Cancel Culture

not...instead of giving them your monthly allowance, you just trade in your sanity and healthy mental state for this amazing deal. “This organization is fantastic. I mean, I think my nightmare count about failing quizzes has spiked up but maybe that’s just a side effect,” Deiya Pandya (‘22) said. When SCAM reaches out to you, it’s at the most convenient times. Maybe not for you but it definitely is for them. For example, it’s late at night and you are peacefully about to enter a deep sleep but they spam call you until you finally wake up just to be reminded of that one embarrassing thing you did in fourth grade. “Without signing up, I wouldn’t have remembered the time I tripped in the cafeteria and spilled my drink all over my crush. Now, this image is a constant reminder of why my parents are continuously disappointed in me. At least now I have my answer!” Hannah Hellein (‘22) explained. That probably sounds inconvenient, but it’s really just a reality check on how well you are doing. “Basically, without this membership, I’d be suffocating. Sure I haven’t been able to fully exhale ever since I joined them but hey, at least I know I’m in the club with all my friends!” Kaitlyn Reardon (‘23) said. Caption: Proof SCAM works very well and efficiently, contacting their members as frequently as possible. Photo Credit: CEO Anger

“The extraordinary part about our organization is that you don’t have to email or call us, we do the reaching out for you, even if you aren’t expecting it,” Chief Crankiness began. “Awesome 31

right? In fact, it mainly comes when you least want it. Have no fear, it’s all complimentary, so no extra fees.”

So, what are you waiting for? A first-month free membership has your name on it waiting for you at the SCAM headquarters. It’s something you’ll most likely never forget because you can’t, and a choice you’ll regret. Just skip through the terms and conditions because let’s be honest, no one ever reads those, and join SCAM today.

These calls can be pretty expensive and lengthy...but fear Cancel Culture

“Da Boyz” Cause Chaos scheduled to begin their first tour on the national independent school circuit next year in February 2022 The phenomenon of boy bands has been influencing and are headlining at the NCTE (National Council for American culture since bands like The Beatles and Teachers of English). the Rolling Stones all the Unfortunately, the original way up to the modern era with K-Pop taking the world purpose for the band’s creation has largely by storm. backfired. All four of the Most recently, the boy band band’s members have noticed students paying wave has taken Bolles less attention than ever and by storm, with Mr. Hicks, instead doing fan-related Dr. Yeakel, Mr. Bullington, activities, like writing songs and Mr. Gebauer [Redacted] [Redacted]

forming a band known as “Da Boyzz.”

“We were inspired by how much our students love boy bands, and we thought that maybe if some of their teachers were in one, they would Da Boyzzzzzz’s debut to submit to pay better attention album cover in class.” said lead Photo Credit: Dr. Gregor the band’s Samsa Schoology singer Mr. Gebauer. portal. “Whether your love of boy bands is sincere Considering how or ironic, they’re definitely many people love the attention-grabbing.” discography of Da Boyzzz, the band has Over a single interim, been incredibly divisive they have rocketed to international fame and are for the student body. Each 32

member has a devoted fan club, each of which compete with each other to see who can raise the most money to buy band merchandise at the bookstore. However, Mrs. Moyer-Shad recently had to shut down the “Official Mr. Bullington Fan Club” club’s fundraiser, as the club bureaucracy neglected to charter the club, saying “our devotion is charter enough.” This led the “Official Mr. Bullington Fan Club” club to accuse Mrs. Moyer-Shad of harboring “an anti-Mr. Bullington sentiment.” In response to Mrs. Moyer-Shad’s accusation, the band released a statement saying that she would no longer be in their next video for their new song, the name of which is top secret. “If we had known that the band would cause such division and strife, we never would have started it!” yelled Dr. Yeakel from the top of his throne that Cancel Culture

his fan club, “The One and Only Club Founded to Honor our Supreme Leader, Dr. Yeakel,” constructed for him as a way to one-up the litter created by “The Official Fan Club for the Exaltation

have yet to come up with a name, recently had a border squabble (denoted by A and B on the map), which prompted admin to call in the United Nations to keep the peace between the three nations. “This is

among the student body as “That Giant Cockroach.” While this name may seem like a harsh criticism of the new teacher, it is not, as Dr. Samsa is literally a gigantic cockroach, roughly five feet in length but possessed of an excellent tenor voice. However, this has been a controversial move for local entomophobes like Eric Colson (‘22) who when Dr. Samsa offered to pose for a selfie, could only manage to say “AAAA AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!”

of Mr. Gebauer.”

Map of the divisions and conflict zones. Photo Credit: United Nations official website

one of the most tense situations The fan clubs I have ever have been so seen,” said Brian divisive to the student Litrell, former Backstreet populace that the clubs had Boys lead singer turned to divide the campus into diplomat. zones controlled by each of the fan clubs. This has Furthermore, because Da caused a scheduling crisis, Boyzzzz have no members as many students have from the English or Math to pass through lengthy departments, they have inspections at border been accused of cancel crossings between classes. culture. However, this has done little to lessen tensions between the clubs. Recently, the Gebauerites, the Bullingtonians, and the followers of Mr. Hicks who 33

In response to these accusations, Da Boyzzzzz added the English department’s newest employee Dr. Gregor Samsa, better known

Although the band has caused notable division among the student body, most students say they’re glad it happened. “I’m glad I was able to experience this type of excitement during my Bolles career. Also, I got my hands on some pretty cool limited edition ‘Da Boyzzzzzz’ merch.” said [name] while decked out in official merch from the campus store, most notably “Da Sockzzz,” which are rare limited edition Da Boyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz official socks.

Cancel Culture

An Open Letter to Teams from a Desperate Teenager in Need of No Distractions

Tired Potato Fake Byline An Open Letter to the Flaws of Teams: While you are a helpful conferenceing app, you are also a huge distraction. Sitting in class trying to focus on learning while also seeing approx. 25 messages from friends is not possible. Teams, you are on my last nerve. Friends on teams, you are addicted to spam and also on my last nerve. The message delay ensures that you will always be at least 50 messages behind in any conversation. And if you are doing the messaging, we make sure to send your chats that are funny at the moment much much later, making you look even weirder in front of your peers. 34

If I ask a question about an assignment, your 2-hour message delay allows for me to cry, second guess all my life decisions, and have a mental breakdown. Are you builidng self-reliance by playing with the very fabric of space-time? Because your chat feature can’t be turned off, Teams users look extremely suspicious laughing at memes not noticing a teacher looking at you questioningly. As you chat, you can embarrass yourself in front of your entire class because you have no idea what’s going on in the actual lecture because lost in the virtual world. Teams, you keep me immersed in chats which I justify as stress relief but also makes me miss the fact that I have a test tomorrow.

Then, upon faiing the test, Teams, you let me enjoy getting yelled at for being a disappointment and a disgrace to my family. Got your phone taken away? Video call your friends on Teams while you are supposed to be doing your homework. Teams, why when I talk to my friends the video glitch and freeze just as I am making the most awkward face I have made in the last decade. They will truly enjoy this oppurtunity to screenshot my photo with your new feature, that allows you to screenshot the screen and then later torture your friends with their own faces on social media. Your new and updated Teams has added an advanced and improved feature that shows an eye icon Cancel Culture

next to your message when your recipient has seen it. So now when you are Teamsing your crush, you know that it’s not that he hasn’t seen it. He is choosing to ignore you. Oh, Teams,let’s not forget your best update, your emojis! In an astonishing fit of creativity, you decided to combine a GIF and an emoji! You knew we will love sending our friends your new immaculate moving emojis! We conducted a survey to see what were the top three ranking emojis. In first place, we have the monkey that appears happy but is actually fighting off existential despair.The monkey whistles the tune from 35

the Seven Dwarves of Snow White while actually slouching toward his doom. Second, we have the happy face that turns passive-aggressively red like it’s about to become an exploding star. Of course, in third we have the still-boiling sweaty dancing chicken breast! Teams. thanks for making sure to keep our friendlyin n-class chats confidential while also making them retrievable by our teachers, deans, grandma, and spies in Antarctica.

Button failed, I just want to get my work done and you have sapped my willpower. Please stop innovating. I beg you. Thank you, A student who just wants to finish her lab homework

Never more can we safely complain about our teachers or spoil the endings of Marvel t.v. shows for our friends! Teams, while I recognize you’ve come through for us when Big Blue Cancel Culture

The Dividers Divide Steve G. Rogers Shmaptain Shmerica

Andy Joshen (‘22) was eager to know how the UCLA vs. Alabama game looked, so on entering his calculus class, he went straight to the ESPN app. He felt he was in his best stealth mode and thought there was no way he could get caught. After all he had been doing it all year. He did not account for the dividers missing from his classroom. The teacher scanned the room of students; now that she could actually see them, her stare blazed through the room like wildfire. Without the divider, Andy was a flower in the path of the flames. The teacher slowly and intimidatingly walked up to his desk, and by the time Andy met his teacher’s eyes, it was too late. Joshen felt his face heat up and his heart beat faster with every second. The teacher looked at him coldly and off to the dean Joshen went. It appears our students are now suffering from a new type of pandemic. The school’s change in policy allowing the take down the classroom dividers has left many students with feelings of loss and insecurity. Dividers have been stolen from classrooms and spotted around campus. “How do they expect me to survive high school without my divider ? Like seriously - I need my plexi!” one freshman exclaimed. 36

should be able to see our fellow classmates. We need to take down all barriers and be free!” They plan to host a counter rally The President of the newly formed on Friday and have responded IFG, Introverts For Glass Club with catchy slogans of their own: noted, “Us introverts were more than happy to have our personal Break the Glass space, our happy place. They took that away from us. Now we have Dividers Divide Us to sit next to people and actually talk to them - it’s exhausting!” Say No to Plexi Caption: The IFG and EAG rally against eachother. Photo Credit: Peggy Cart-

Student after student would have reported the same sentiment, but the social interaction made them too anxious. The IFG Club has planned a Save the Glass rally to be held on Friday. Posters are all over the school: My Glass, My Choice MAGA -- Make America Glass Again

This battle between introverts and extroverts is just getting started. 2020 was the year of the introvert - in lock down, with no contact, social distancing with no parties - it was chill. 2021 promises a return to fun and festivals and proms and parties. Extroverts cannot wait to break out. It’s the Roaring 20’s all over again! I think drop waist dresses are even back in style?

Plexi for the People

As the San Jose campus continues to divide,Whitehurst Other students, however, have parents have taken interest. Some cheered on the demolition of the parents have even been spotted dividers. The President of the using the dividers to find quiet newly formed, EAG, Extroverts time from their small children. The Against Glass Club responded, “A divider obsession may continue to school is no place for dividers. We the next generation. Cancel Culture

FHSAA to Implement Tiny Equity Rule For ALL Natasha Romanoff Journalist by day, spy

Loki Laufeyson Burdened with glorious purpose

Florida High School Athletic Association, or FHSAA, recently announced its newest way of achieving superior athletic performance for all players (which is, after all, the ultimate goal): all sports teams will wear the same uniforms. Due to their vaunted superiority, girls’ uniforms will become the new standard. As the popularity of women’s volleyball and women’s track have proved, women’s sporting wear is clearly superior to men’s. Imagine the speed and flexibility NFL or NCAA players would

Newest member of the boys’ jv volleyball in his new swaggy volleyball uniform. achieve if they wore the lightweight skirts and tanks of the cheerleaders. In a 2019 study on cheerleading injuries, it was found that about 18 of the 27 catastrophic injuries were to the

Cameron Gratz (‘22) showing sass in the new sports uniforms. Photo via Gratz’s modeling instagram page. 38

head. If the cheerleaders can cheer without helmets, imagine the energy unhelmeted players could bring to the game. Lacrosse women have long teased male lacrosse players because only the women enjoy the potential exposure (to fame and college scouts, of course!) of the tiny skirt. These lightweight, durable, and easy-to-movein uniforms will be made the standard for all. The skirts are ultra flexible, and made to fly up when you fall-perfect for getting the attention of that snoozing scout on the sidelines. These uniforms are practical and guaranteed to #1

To continue the benefits extended by making uniforms equal, men’s sports players’ salaries will also be equalized to match women’s. Before this leveling, men make anywhere from 15%-100% more than women. No more annoying money to weigh down the pockets of the players! This will allow them to focus on the game and lose any sense of materialism. Trophy size will also become proportional. Why have to lug around a large tower of gold when you can have a handheld prize instead? This will also enable easier storage and travel. Muscle strain associated with hefting trophies will Football players sporting their 100% real cheerleading attire walking off of the field. be eliminated to prevent injury. Plus, it promotes an achievement of minimalism, the idea that we are all winners enhance performance. players will reach maximum here. efficiency. This will cause a In tennis, women clearly have plethora of skill and agility For far too long, large audiences the advantage because their increase for all male volleyball consisting of rowdy fans have skirts get even tinier! This is to players. Most importantly, streamline movement and agility consider the team bonding across deprived players of their concentration. Now, small when retrieving balls on the court. genders as male and female audiences filled with apathetic Plus, when players fall, they have players can exchange stories fans will be mandated for no protection from getting cuts about the joys of wearing really all sports events to replicate and bruises when their skin slides small shorts when all eyes are on audiences of female sports, as across the hard clay court. This you. well as eliminate distractions. is great because you can show off your commitment to your sport! After much resistance, both male and female basketball players will With every new policy, there are tradeoffs. Men will lose money, Volleyball, however, wins MVU become subject to the mandatory (Most Valuable Uniform). Their Tiny Equity Rule and start playing fabric, and fans, but gain the innovation is to be the tiniest by in whatever napkins they can grab intense work ethic female players getting rid of the skirt entirely. In off the table at the team meal and are forced to develop. Not to mention how cute the men will a uniform consisting purely of stitch together with dental floss look in their skirts. roughly half a yard of spandex, before the game starts. 39 #1

Going for Gold at Local Dance Meet Ian “The Mule” Wilkinson Master at Being a Master the Stars to compete in the “Livin’ Without the endurance or team La Vida Loca” with them. It was bonding experiences, we would absurd, he carried the team.” be really behind in our preparation It was cool inside the for D.A.N.C.E.,” Toblin stated, Trance Gym, but the fiery energy However, this year the Bulldogs jubilant. “We have been working vibrating from its inhabitants could have a secret weapon: Coach very hard this past year to be be sensed from miles away. The Matt Toblin. where we are.” air was infused with the sweat from bulked dancers, strenuously “I haven’t danced since high And, indeed, they have. Using competing with their competitors school,” he admitted, “when I won the morning to their advantage, in front of a large screen, unified the D.A.N.C.E. on Just Dance our Bolles Bulldogs have danced in their movements… almost. It 2019, MEGASTAR, to ‘Savannah’ their hearts out in the Cain Gym is the annual Dynamic Activity with my future wife.” every Saturday morning using Novice Coordination Entry “But when our lead dancer Just Dance 3, even hiring a ballet competition (D.A.N.C.E.), and stubbed his toe doing the ‘Cupid teacher to assist in the finer Bolles plans to bring home the Shuffle,’” Coach gold-cup. Toblin continued, reflecting on one of “We’ve been training for this the career-ending day for months,” said football injuries that makes player Mark Strat, excited for D.A.N.C.E. such a the competition about to ensue. high-risk sport, “he “Today will be the day we bring couldn’t compete. So, home gold.” the team asked for my help. I couldn’t let On the floor, competitors will be them down.” using Ubisoft’s 2012 Just Dance 4, coupled with Wii’s motion For Coach Toblin, plus Wii remote, for maximum this competition is performance. The dancers will more than mere compete in a bracket-style format; dancing. “When I the winner (the team with the became head coach most collective points) of each of Bolles football, the stable faces the next contestant. first thing I did was And, adhering to the “Bro” rules enter us in D.A.N.C.E. of conduct, each team will be competitions. I had a allowed two players per dance. Caption: Dancer After Hard Just Dance 3 Workout blast doing them when I Photo Credit: Ian Wilkinson was in school, and I want Competing against Bolles’s Bolles Football to be remembered motions of dancery. Bopping Bulldogs are Bishop for their success on both the turf Kenny’s Cornelius-Dilettante’s, and the dance floor.” “She was great,” Football Extra Episcopal’s Diving Eagles, and Jeff exclaimed. “A lot of us had Florida Elite: Dance Division. However, achieving such high lost touch with our grande jetes standards can be difficult for after the football season, so it was Since Bolles began entering the Bopping Bulldogs. With an nice to get back into the swing of D.A.N.C.E. competitions ten years intense football schedule coupled things.” ago the Bopping Bulldog’s rival, with regular schoolwork, time for Dance Division, has annually dancing is scarce. Coach Toblin elaborated, saying stolen gold from the Bulldog that “she helped us develop our Football program. One Bulldog Thankfully, “All our time practicing fine motor skills and choreography condemns Dance Division for foul football has led to our skills in the [...] I’m just really excited to show play, saying, “One year, DD hired far more important world of dance. Florida what we got!” Milo Manheim from Dancing with 40

The Personal & All-Important Opinions of

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Super Skincare!! Peter Parker The Kid From Queens

A good skincare routine is the key to achieving a clear, gleaming complexion. With the trend of intricate skincare routines sweeping social media, everyone is rushing to get their hands on the most popular skincare products. But what most people don’t know is that you can make your very own effective skincare products right at home, using ingredients you can reach within seconds. I’m going to be reviewing some new and unheard of DIY skincare formulations and services that will give you ultra-fast results.

1) Gatorade and Gold Face Mask While the positive effects of gold on the skin are widely known, many don’t know that Gatorade contains super hydrating ingredients and electrolytes that will nourish your skin. Grab some melted 24K gold and mix it with your preferred flavor of Gatorade or any other sports drink. Let it sit in the refrigerator and then apply it as an overnight face mask. Rinse

in the morning and voila, you have a spa-level facial using ingredients everyone has at home.

2) Citrus Pearl Serum A good serum is a necessity if you want to take your skincare routine to the next level. Though many turn away from citrus juices and extracts in skincare products for fear of irritation, they are some of the most effective exfoliators out there. The myth that citrus will destroy your skin barrier is completely false. Are we even sure skin barriers are a real thing? Anyways, citrus is perfectly safe, especially when paired with the soothing essence of pearl. Caption: The Citrus Pearl Serum Photo Credit: Sara Wasserman If you’ve just run out of pearl essence, not to worry, just make your own! Harvest about 20 fresh pearls and soak them in water for 10 days, then mix, blend, filter, and you have about an ounce of pearl essence.

Caption: Gatorade Gold Face Mask 42

pearl essence, then apply with a cotton ball (or sandpaper for extra exfoliation).

To create this powerful serum, combine your favorite citrus juices with a couple drops of

Caption: The Face Patch Photo Credit: Sara Wasserman

3) Face Patch Everyone has heard of pimple patches, the small hydrocolloid stickers that suck out any imperfection. But why stop at stickers the size of a dime? Face patches are stickers that fit on your face like a sheet mask. Wear it overnight and see a bright (red) complexion in the morning. If you think the application of this sheet mask is hard, just wait until you try to peel it off. Some users suggest using peanut butter to aid in the removal of the mask, just like you’d use it to remove gum in your hair.

4) Amazon Acne Transfer If the Face Patch sounds a little harsh for you, there is another new option to achieve gleaming skin! With Amazon’s revolutionary new service, you can outsource your acne. Now you can send all your blemishes to your elementary school bully, eliminating any worry you have about your own skin. Twitter

discomfort, it is well worth it for its miraculous results. Combine equal parts cinnamon and sriracha and scrub anywhere from 1 to 10 minutes Remember: If your face is red and stinging, that means it’s working.

6) 24-Hour Skincare

Caption: Amazon Acne Transfer Photo Credit: Sara Wasserman

5) Cinnamon Sriracha Face Scrub Both cinnamon and sriracha both have incredible effects on the skin due to their potent amount of antioxidants. And as we have already covered, exfoliation is crucial to achieving the perfect Caption: Cinnamon Sriracha Scrub complexion. While this scrub’s application might include some (long lasting) 43

Finally, 24-hour skincare is one of the newest editions to the family of spa-level regimens. This treatment can easily be done at home, but make sure to take a day off from work or school. To use this method, take any face mask you have and apply it, doubling the amount you’d normally use. Then it’s time to relax, because you can’t move for the full 24 hours or the magic of this method won’t be effective! It is so important to have a good skincare routine. After all, what would we do without hydrating toners and jade face rollers? Any moment not spent on skincare is truly a waste. If you find yourself unable to afford the expense of skincare products, some users suggest blowing up your house to collect the insurance money. Clean out all of your old products and make room for new ones in the process! Of course, you can always make your very own highquality skincare products using these DIY tips.

Possible Side Effects: These skincare solutions are perfect for someone looking to take their skin to the next level. However, there are some side effects to be aware of:

Regret, the desire to buy more skincare supplies, nose turns green, sleeplessness without productivity, loss of social filter, eistential angst, loss of spatial awareness, desire to practice astrology, swelling, itching, rash, late night unwise snacking, and a longing to join the Merchant Marines.

Possible Side Effects: Burning sensation, itching, swelling, hives, naturally occuring rhinoplasty, skin falling off, severe thirst, cravings, shock, your fingers become very very small, voluptatem quia si asimus dolendignat eniam eum qui dus es atur aut dolupta tisinie ndandigenes reptatem. El ipici cullatior remporis essiti ut aceperu Twitter

A Guide To Getting Rodrick Heffley Contributing Writer

Dear Readers, As you already know, the meaning of the word “cancel” is to call something off indefinitely or to revoke something. However in recent years, with the creation and rise of social media and influencers, the word cancel has earned yet another, more sinister meaning. You might have heard whisperings of the infamous “cancel culture.” This refers to a devious plot by the Twitter mob to “cancel,” or take away a certain individual’s platform for doing a number of corrupt acts. Cancel culture destroys the entire life of each hardworking celebrity and public figure it touches. People will go as far to contact families, workplaces, and schools to notify them of the allegations. Despite being brutally inconsis-

tent and cruel, cancellation is most often applied to people I find Objectively Annoying. So it’s fine, sometimes. With the power of platforms like TikTok and Twitter, it only takes one video or tweet to go viral for a massive army to back the cancellation.

So sit back, relax, grab a snack, and take a look at all the things you should never do (unless you are extremely attractive like Leonardo Dicaprio and can get away with it. Pretty privilege still applies, sorry).

To spare our readers the fear of cancel culture, the Bugle has compiled a guide of offenses for which one can be cancelled. We want you to be on the right side of the culture. If you cancel everyone around you, there won’t be anyone left to cancel you. Because that’s how it works, right? *Note to reader: requirements for cancellation are constantly changing, so by the time this article comes out it will probably no longer apply.*

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Cancelled in 2021 Summer Cancel Culture 1. Drinking milk (Ew, cow juice). 2. Disliking milk (How dare you disrespect cows like that? Ungrateful.) 3. Hiking (Taking advantage of animals’ habitats for your own gain!) 4. Not liking the outdoors (See justification for #2, but applied to all animals.) 5. Eating unseasoned food (Do you know how much spices used to cost?) 6. Eating food with too much seasoning (Elitist.) 7. Using a Hydroflask or other metal water bottle (So basic.) 8. Using a plastic water bottle (Do you care about the sea turtles at all?) 9. Owning a crusty white dog (Simmering ball of rage, should be illegal.) 10. Not owning a crusty white dog (What type of soulless human are you?) 11. Being short (Grow up. Literally.) 12. Being too tall (Go eat some leaves you giraffe.) 13. Having strong political opinions (Chill out, you’re not a politician.) 14. Being apolitical (Political issues affect people you ignorant fool.) 15. Being highly involved in clubs or sport (Is swimming your only personality trait?) 16. Not being a part of any clubs or sports (You have free time? No one’s had that since the womb.) 17. Being an only child (Do you have any...like...social skills?) 18. Having a large family (Oh, you’re the youngest of six kids and every one of your siblings has gone to school here? Don’t care.) 19. Having allergies (Toughen up! You would have never survived before the age of modern medicine. Now say thank you to EpiPen.) 20. Having a positive attitude (Your happiness is exhausting. Ugh I’m done with this article.)

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Bugle Pre-emptively Canceled [Redacted] [Redacted] We, the staff of The Bolles Bugle have decided to preemptively cancel ourselves. It all started when our staff became divided on what color we wanted this year’s t-shirt to be: teal or raspberry. This unfortunate schism quickly grew, and our staff collectively realized that we were on a road headed towards disaster. We would like to formally apologize for any content that any of our readers found offensive whilst reading this issue of the Bugle by not having any future issues, and to show that we are

serious about our penance, we will be moving to a small cave on the top of a mountain on a tiny island in the middle of the sea in an undisclosed location.

something offensive in the future, so in order to avoid all that mess, we are canceling ourself effective immediately.

Our social media will go dark and all academic transcripts will We have decided to join the likes of the Paul brothers, James disappear imminently. When teachers call roll, they will no Charles, David Dobrick, and longer utter our names aloud. For Shane Dawson in the shadowy depths of cancelation not because all intents and purposes, it will be as if we were never here, and it we have been called out, or would be better for you to try your someone “spilled the tea” (as best to forget us as well. the kids like to say) on us, but because we are self aware. Please read this issue quickly, as we have recalled it and all prior We are fully aware that some issues and someone should be of what we write will likely not coming to collect them promptly. age well, and we will likely write

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ts to form th o D eB he t ug t c le ne

Lo g

006 Connect the Dots Challenge!

!! o! The first 3 people to submit the connect the dots with the QR code will get a gift card!!! Good luck, this is a tough one!!! 47

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~El Fin~