ATLAS Volume 2 by Bond University Society & Design Students' Association

A T L A S in pursuit of curiosity & culture | volume two

A T L A S COMMUNITY

AASHA PURLING editor-in-chief & designer

chief of staff & contributor

BEC PALMA

REBEKAH JONES design assistant & contributor

MADDIE GLEESON horoscopes

LORCAN HIGGINS editor

LACHIE HOPWOOD

ED SINCLAIR opinion columnist

CHELSEA LANDFORD contributor

ROBBIE KINLOCH shutterbug

JUSTINE LANDIS-HANDLEY contributor

contibutor

JAMES FITCHETT contributor

KATIE CAMERON contributor

CINDY KOVAC contributor

SCARLETT GOVEY promotional material

ATLAS is first and foremost an opportunity for you to open your mind and give writing or photography a try. We’d be crazy not to take advantage of the overflowing talent in our faculty, so if you have a story to tell, don’t be shy: we cannot wait to show off your wares. please email publications.student@bond.edu.au The ATLAS Contributors Guide is now available via the SDSA Facebook page, and also on our Google Docs.

FROM THE EDITOR

W EL C O ME

ith great power comes great responsibility. Okay, I know putting out a faculty publication isn’t exactly up there with Obama but with the hype and success of our first issue, we’ve got to keep getting better. Fortunately, we’ve received enough gratuity to make that happen. Best Publication 141, I hear you scream..? After only one issue, there are no words to articulate my excitement and appreciation. I’d also just like to extend a huge thankyou to everyone - the texts, inboxes, emails and hugs I received following the first issue and the win at exec drinks have made me giddy with affection and motivation to keep making Atlas the best it can be... and this issue is no exception. For those who are new to Bond - welcome! We hope that you and the returning Bondies still hoping to find themselves in an Arts degree take full advantage of our overworked little tooshies this semester should you have any problems. This begins with this evening, at the SDSA second hand booksale. For those of you who missed out on a VIP ticket, sales open tomorrow (Tuesday Week 2) at 10am and will be operating until Week 7. We also have Bondy 500, Dining with Social Justice and plenty of competitions up our sleeve too! Most importantly, however, I hope you’re

super pumped for our premier event, Renegade: Riot this coming Friday - it’s new, very affordable and most importantly, you get to leave your preppy-chic self at home and don your favourite sleeve & leather wares. Rarely do these opportunities come around, so take advantage. I trust everyone had a wonderful break and is now ready and raring for another big semester. Either your clothes still wreak of mum’s washing powder and a two-week Game of Thrones bender or, if you’re like me, a stench of disinstitutionalism so intoxicating you’re not sure you’ll make it to mid-sems without another hefty spoonful of proverbial freedom. Lastly, a warm welcome to Rebekah, Bec and Lorcan as the first Atlas subcommittee. You’ve got such fresh ideas and sassy humour, there’s surely only good things to come. Just quickly, I will be spearheading the Art Direction for a new digital magazine with journalism tutor Rob Layton later this year and we’re looking for contributors. There are no parameters - write what inspires and enthralls you. Say it loud, say it proud but most of all, say it with perfect grammar and get published. As always, thanks to all the fresh faces that contributed for this volume, and I hope you enjoy it!

love,

Ash x

UP FRONT

FEATURES

ATLAS COMMUNITY

INTRODUCING RENEGADE: THE RIOT

EDITOR’S LETTER

FUCK IT, I’LL GET THE FRIES

FROM THE PRESIDENT

GETTING LOST WITH THE BOYS

THE GOLDEN DAYS OF MAY

MY UN AND ONLY

DON’T BLOG ME YOUR PROBLEMS

VOLUME TWO | 5

THE REGULARS 20

A WORD TO THE WISE - PEEPING TOM

BACKPACKERS’ UNITED - VIETNAM

WHO THE F%&K IS .... DEAD MAN’S BONES

THE BASEMENT 37

APRIL HOROSCOPES

SHUTTERBUG

GAMEFACE

Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus’s hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it. Now that I’ve broken the ice with a timeless, highbrow joke I can get into the hard-hitting intro article… Outlaw, rebels and booklovers alike have plenty to look forward to this week with the SDSA. We’re kicking off Week 2 with our massive secondhand book sale where thousands of good-quality textbooks will be sold at prices that won’t make you consider selling bodily organs on the black market! Come to the SDSA office, right near the BUELI entrace (law fac side) from Tuesday onwards to get your hands on some pre-loved, up-to-date textbooks. You all remember Whitehouse and Woodlands, right? We’ve combined their powers to create a brand-spanking new ultraevent: RENEGADE. Things you can expect: laughs, excitement, fun, cool location. Things you cannot expect: any emotion that corresponds with the colour beige. Tickets are on sale throughout the week including at Club Sign On Day, so look out for the SDSA tent! More info about Renegade is contained within the pages of Atlas so read on for the full 411. Oh, and don’t forget that this time of sem, before assessment piles up, is the perfect time to buy your $35 Dreamworld ticket. Email us at (sdsa@student.bond.edu.au) for more information. Have a fab one guys! Catch you all at book sale and Renegade! Lots of love, Anna President, Society & Design Student Assocation

the golden days of may WELCOME TO THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF SALAD.

BABE RUTH SCORES HIS FIRST YANKEES HOME RUN (1920)

7TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE DISAPPEARANCE OF MADELINE MCCANN

CINCO DE MAYO!

GEORGE CLOONEY’S BIRTHDAY

NELSON MANDELA ELECTED AS PRESIDENT OF SOUTH AFRICA (1994)

MOTHERS DAY

INTERNATIONAL ANTIHOMOPHOBIA DAY

HAPPY LEPRECHAUN DAY!

INTERNATIONAL CHOC CHIP APPRECIATION DAY

NATIONAL ‘BECOME A MILLIONAIRE’ DAY

THE FORK FIRST DEBUTED AS A HOUSEHOLD ITEM (1630)

INTERNATIONAL BUY A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT DAY

RENEGADE!

FIRST WITCH HUNT EVER RECORDED (1646)

WORLD NO TOBACCO DAY

AMELIA EARHART IS FIRST WOMAN TO FLY SOLO CROSS THE ATLANTIC (1932)

Today we announce the SDSA’s worst kept secret, the name of the newest and best premier event, Renegade. Retreat brought many ideas to the forefront – some a little clouded from the night before. As we put our throbbing heads together we all agreed our premier event had to feature 3 key elements of an unforgettable nightCheap, messy, loose. Add Nikes and we were starting to get excited… with the exception of our Post Grad Director who felt he had a little more “class” than the rest. As such, this will be an evolving event. The first semester of every year will see Renegade return to the formal (and albeit classy) event that you are all used to. However, for May and September we will be “deserting and betraying” from our everyday lives: forget your looming responsibilities, stop tweeting about the federal budget and spend your night getting more mental than Solange Knowles.

RIOT

“ A violent disturbance of the peace by a crowd.” No one changed the course of history without a little rough and tumble, so dress accordingly. We’re talking ripped threads, piercings, tattoos and leather. Channel your inner Hunger Games Tribute, embrace Pussy Riot or bring back the Bikie – the more leather, the better. Better yet, come as a peacekeeper and help keep the rebellion under control. Whatever you wear, we don’t care as long as you leave your Ralph and your inhibitions at the door. The event will be held at the Kommune Resort in Coolangatta. Buses will be leaving at 6.30PM to 7PM and the SDSA will be sending buses back to Bond during our After Party at the Coolangatta Hotel. Tickets for the event will only be $20, however we are pleased to be offering a deal whereby with every Renegade ticket, the BSA will be offering a discounted Palaver ticket at the same time. We will be selling from 10-2PM throughout Week 2 under the Arch, and on Club Sign-On Day. Renegades have instigated momentous change throughout history and this Friday will be no different. WORDS BY KATIE CAMERON & CINDY KOVAC

RENEGADE: RIOT [A PERSON WHO DESERTS AND BETRAYS AN ORGANISATION, COUNTRY OR SET OR PRINCIPLES]

VOLUME TWO | 11

FUCK IT

I’LL GET THE FRIES WORDS BY LACHIE HOPWOOD

eing a big bloke is not what it used to be. are good guys, and it’s about time that this was While once the chubby boys had to hide their recognized. girth in shame, they can now hang their guts out The days of the fit sportsman are gone. Lance in pride. Sure, there are the blokes that attend to Whitnall, Matty Dunning and Warnie have their physique, but what does this really achieve? paved the way for the true Aussie battler. All A couple of firm lumps on their stomach and an these blokes dominated their respective sports, inflated ego to match? We are now living in the and undoubtedly the pub afterwards. Darren age of consumption, and as our waistlines grow, Lehmann carved up the Sri Lankans in 2004, so does the character of the nation. This is an and Stuart Dew won the 2008 grand final for ode to the overfed, and signifies a turning point Hawthorn. All these legends became cult heroes, in Australian history. This is when we pinnacles of success, all the while “Fat guys are stand up and take note of the point at carrying a few extra kilos ‘round the which the social paradigm shifted, and waist. Fitness is no longer a prerequisite good guys, it’s those with a couple of extra kegs stood time that this was for sporting success, so scrap the fitness up to be counted. This is when we pay and get stuck into a parma and a pint. recognised.” credit where it’s due. Buddha was fat and he was a decent There is an undeniable correlation bloke. His modern day reincarnation, between a high BMI and kindness. Lorcan Higgins, said that, before There’s always that one Dad at the junior footy exams, ‘I rub my belly for good luck.’ Editors who goes above and beyond for everyone Note: He did very well in his Year 12 exams. (especially himself at the canteen). I mean, come Former fat kid John (Jack) Ryan laments the loss on, Santa gets in a sleigh every year to drop some of his gut. ‘I get cold in winter now. It sucks.’ stuff off to every little kid just to see them smile. Another Editors Note: He is single and still a That’s decent effort for a bloke on the verge of little chubby. jack.ryan@student.bond.edu.au cardiac arrest. It’s no coincidence that he gets So next time you see a tubby fellow return for stuck into the cookies you leave out for him. seconds at the Bra, don’t fight it; embrace it. If People that love themselves also love others. you see a poor bloke jiggling his way through They treat themselves to what they want with a run, cheer him home. When you see sweaties little self-moderation, and help others with the forming under a well rounded man-boob, give same over-zealousness with which they attack that brilliant human being a high-5. Big is back, their tub of Ben & Jerry’s for dessert. Fat guys don’t fight it. ¶

LIFE IN FILM I’M A FIRM BELIEVER IN THE IDEA THAT FILMS ARE KIND OF LIKE THE REAL LIFE EQUIVALENT OF SCROOGE’S SPIRIT GUIDE IN A CHRISTMAS CAROL. SURE, THEY TEACH US HOW ALL TELEPHONE NUMBERS IN AMERICA BEGIN WITH THE DIGITS 555, OR TO NEVER SPLIT UP FROM YOUR FRIENDS IF YOU THINK THERE IS A MURDERER IN THE HOUSE. BUT MORE THAN THAT, FILMS ARE ABLE TO GIVE US A UNIQUE PERSPECTIVE AND UNDERSTANDING OF THE WORLD IN THE SPACE OF 90 MINUTES. WORDS BY JUSTINE LANDIS-HANDLEY

t’s not just me who thinks this; some philosophers have gone so far as to argued that film actually has the capacity to create new philosophical thought. This seems like a bit of an overstretch (it would be hard to argue that Snakes on a Plane did much other than give me a simultaneous fear of both snakes and planes), but more widely accepted belief is that the ability to manipulate visual, sound and script is on par with having a superpower. And that this is a skill wielded by directors to achieve not only emotional, but also moral engagement. Now, don’t get me wrong, The Famous Five got me through that awkward child-teen transition years, and T.S Eliot’s work is more beautiful than Brad Pitt at the Oscars. But, dare I say it for fear of having novels hurled at me as I walk through the Main Library, films allow their creators to present some philosophical views and perspectives in a clearer and more effective way than if they were written in a book. Whether they intend to or not, a lot of movies ask, and also answer the questions that swirl around our skulls and keep us up at night. Let me give you an example… If you haven’t seen the Matrix, put down this edition of ATLAS, pull out your laptop and download it for $3.99 from the iTunes store or android equivalent. And watch it. It’s arguably the greatest sci-fi movie of all time, winning 4 Oscars and taking out number 19 on IMDB’s top 250 movies.The film follows Neo, a computer programmercome-hacker, paler than Edward Cullen. Essentially, he gets sent some weird messages, has a mechanical slug injected into his belly-button, trips out on a red pill, and is told by a group of rebels that everything he has ever known to be real turns out to be a computer simulation

called ‘The Matrix’ run by evil, octopus-like machines. He wakes up in the ‘outside world’: naked in a vat of goo, with cords hooked up to his limbs, surrounded by 6 billion humans sleeping in similar womb like confines, ignorant of their reality. In my opinion, the Matrix is one of the most terrifying films in existence. Sure, it seems impossible that our world is actually just a bunch of numbers wising past on a computer screen, but if we were actually all living in some virtual reality, we would have no way of knowing. Famed thinker Descartes was afraid this might be the case. The reason he came up with the statement, ‘I think therefore I am’ was because he thought the only thing we could know for certain was that we existed as conscious individuals. Back before Jesus existed, a cool man called Plato had equally terrifying thoughts. He told this story about a cave, where a group of prisoners had spent their entire lives chained up. The only thing that the prisoners had ever seen where the shadows on the cave wall in front of them from the light cast from a big fire at the cave’s entrance. They thought that the shadows = reality, and that the whole world was made up entirely of shadows just like them. One day, one of the prisoners escaped, saw the fire, the shadows and the outside world and, just like Neo, realised the prisoner’s entire idea of reality was really just a lie. Plato gets a bit complicated but long story short, he thinks the outside world was ‘more real’ than the world in the cave. Congrats man, 10 points for you. This throws a bit of a spanner into the works for us watching the film. As the Matrix goes to show, there is really no way of knowing for certain that we aren’t trap inside ‘The Matrix’. Does this mean that our life is

VOLUME TWO | 13

‘less real’ than it could be? Why bother going to your tutorial tomorrow if it is just a computer code and your classmates are nothing but programs. You could be going to have lunch with the equivalent of a Safari app. But here is the beauty of the Matrix Film: watching Neo dance between the Matrix and the Real World makes you realise that, even though he may feel like he was ‘living a lie’, his life in the Matrix wasn’t meaningless. Sure, his day-to-day actions had no ‘outside world consequences’ (not until he figured everything out, anyway). In Plato’s cave story, the shadows depend on the existence and movements of objects that flicker in front of the fire at the cave’s entrance. The laws of cause and effect would have no effect on the shadow’syou can’t exactly touch a shadow, only the objects they project. Watching the Matrix, we can see that going’s on inside the Matrix don’t depend on their outside world counterparts. It’s like a video game: a world with its own rules, parameters and consequences that is constructed to resemble, what used to be, the outside world, but is causally independent of what occurs externally to it. So, if the Matrix makes us question our sense of reality, it also helps us to restore our sense of meaning despite the possibility that we are living inside a simulation. If we, and billions of other ‘externally real’ people interacting with each other in our own little Matrix world, our computer-coded universe is changing and evolving through our actions. If it’s anything like the Matrix, the computer code just sets up boundaries for us to interact within, just like the ‘real world’ does with the laws of physics and mathematics.

“Whether they intend to or not, a lot of movies ask, and also answer the questions that swirl around our skulls and keep us up at night” Sure, we could argue that our ‘Matrix world’ tricks us into thinking that the steak we are eating is a steak from the ‘outside world’. But if we have grown up in this fake world, when we ask for a steak, we are asking for something that looks, smells, tastes just like Matrix steak. Same goes for when we ask for a Matrix-chair, sleep in a Matrix bed, want to become a Matrix Lawyer: in our world, we are asking for something we have come to know through our experience, not something from the outside world that we have no knowledge of. What does this all mean? That even if you lie awake at night wondering whether you are trapped in a video game, stuck in a simulation with a bunch of other kiddies, that you should still go to your tutorial tomorrow. Because sure, if you someday wake up in a vat of goo, the life you are living isn’t any less real. You are just living in a different world. So cheers to the Wachowski siblings, you Polish directing duo, for using your brilliance to bring us a cinematographic experience that both frightens and reassures. Now none of us have any ontological excuse for missing class. ¶

girl walks into a bar. There is no punchline. She’s sporting preppy-chic: button down, blazer, pearl earrings, quilted ballet flats. Blair Waldorf, eat your heart out. Not that this is of any particular significance. The spotlight has given her the once over and zeroed in on the boy staring at her from across the room. He is a vision of greasy haired-ponytail, lip ring, tattoos and faded band t-shirt. A clichéd pop song comes on (think Whitney Houston, “I Will Always Love You”) they make their way toward each other, hormones are flying, magic is in the air, and at a table tucked away in the corner, hiding behind our menus and agog with anticipation, we witness the first moments of the strangest relationship we have ever seen. Some people spend their free time playing sport. Some go shopping. My best friend Bek and I people watch. We’re the ones sitting in the back row of every lecture observing freshers’ concerning fashion choices (crocs to uni…hmmm). We’re the ones sitting in the middle of the Robina Town Centre food-court on a Thursday night watching the flocks of yummy-mummies and juvies laden with fro-yo and schoolyard goss (we can’t believe that Shelley kissed Greg either). And those two girls you caught listening in on your very public fight with your boyfriend during yesterday’s bus ride? Yep, that was us. Our friends tell us it’s time to

move on and surrender to a “real” hobby before half the Gold Coast slaps restraining orders on our wrists. Well, I never! We tell them the white flag can bite us: it’ll be yellow and moth-eaten before we’ll be waving it. We are on a mission to drag our beloved art-form out of social exile and lead a Revolution O’ People-watching. So if, dear reader, you are tired of pretending you have no interest in watching the old lady who dons a cat onesie and miaows on the train every morning (you stay classy Gold Coast), I bring you three easy steps to kiss-and-makeup with your observation skills. 1 / Meet subtlety, your new best friend. Say it with me now: “Blend. In.” A skilled people-watcher is like a metropolitan Bear Grylls: at one with their surroundings, unobtrusive and inconspicuous. No, I am not suggesting you retreat behind a hedge with some binoculars, but people tend get a little awkward when you’ve been openly staring at them for the last ten minutes. Less creep, more discreet kids. 2 / An experienced people-watcher is always armed with the right equipment for the job. Have you got your mirrored aviators so nobody can tell where you’re looking? Do you have an Australian to hide behind? Are you near a coffee cart in case you start feeling peckish? No? Go home and Facebook stalk, you

are clearly not cut out for the job. Amateur. 3 / It is always worth returning to the scene of the crime to see if you’re fave personalities decide to make another appearance. Nancy Drew and Gene Simmons from the bar? Bek and I returned a year later and lo and behold, there they were, all awkward prep/grunge PDA on their first anniversary. We were with them for two of their most important relationship milestones. They just didn’t know it. I will be the first to admit that perhaps people-watching isn’t the most conventional way to spend one’s afternoon. But I don’t want to be the person that misses out on watching life and all of its peculiar characters pass me by. I don’t want to be the one who shuns the comic genius that is the sight of an old man walking through Pac Fair in his pyjamas or the ultra-grump of a lecturer who doesn’t realise he’s wearing his shirt inside-out. So I apologise in advance for the touch football tryouts, games nights and choir practices that Bek and I will never attend, but we already have a great hobby, and until you all stop giving us endless entertainment, we won’t be ditching this for anything. ¶

A GUIDE TO PEOPLE WATCHING

PEEPING TOM WORDS BY CHELSEA LANDFORD

GETTING LOST

WITH THE BOYS JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT CONTRACT LAW HAD NO REAL-WORLD APPLICATION, ENTER THE CAUTIONARY TALE OF THE PERTH SCHOOLGIRLS WHO BECAME OVERNIGHT SENSATIONS WHEN AN INNOCENT, PYJAMACLAD ROASTING SESH MADE ITS WAY ONTO CHANNEL TEN’S LOST WITH THE BOYS, AS PER THE FINE PRINT THEY CONVENIENTLY FORGOT TO READ. WORDS BY REBEKAH JONES

t some point in every person’s life, one must ask themselves: What would it be like to live amongst the inner circle of the rich and famous? How do the other half live? Is it everything it has been cracked up to be? Will my switch click from red to green and magically there will be crowds of adoring fans simultaneously screaming my name and fighting off each other to wash my feet? Will I bathe in champagne, sweat diamonds and poop gold? If this were true, I guess that no one could make the argument that celebrities were an unclean bunch... Hygiene jokes aside, these are the questions that we must all ponder from time to time. And whether suppressed to the back burner or shining brighter than the light we know we are destined to be, everyone aspires to something bigger and better than the ordinary. I would be lying if I said it hadn’t crossed my mind once or twice before. Yes, I have been there too: playing dress up in mum’s high heels and makeup; singing into the hairbrush microphone in the bathroom mirror; breaking into dramatic monologue while pouring my cereal. Therefore, it would be extremely hypocritical of me to sit here writing this and curse fame and fortune and everything in-between.

But what we don’t realise is that once we achieve public attention, we are also held to public scrutiny. It is like being pushed into the deep end, and surprise! - did we forget to mention that there are a dozen hungry sharks swimming circles in there too? Sometimes, what we have been dreaming about since we were little quickly turns into a nightmare overnight and there is no snapping out of this one. People are going to have their thoughts and opinions about what you say or do, no matter whether you like it or not. But hey, you signed up for it - or did you? A while back I stumbled across a post on my Facebook newsfeed. I presumed it was one of those stalker-like “suggested posts” that hunt you down and infiltrate your feed, until I realised that it was a trailer for a web series. I didn’t know whether to laugh or laugh when I discovered that the stars of this new series, specialising in “girl drama” and “teen talk”, where none other than a group of girls from my very own high school. With the current phenomenon that is the Internet, I am guessing these girls hadn’t predicted the amount of traffic this show was going to produce when they signed up. So it isn’t hard to believe that they were a little more than shocked when they became overnight web sensations, receiving dozens of harrassing inboxes daily and being mocked in public. Initially, I felt sorry for them, until I realised we could learn some hard lessons from their rise to fame and the reactions it stirred. So, I compiled a list, and this is how it goes.... * Disclaimer: The opinions expressed are not necessarily those held by the editor or the SDSA. The thoughts and views expressed are purely satirical.

7 LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM LWTB

1. Don’t agree to be filmed in your pajamas. How long does it take to throw on a t-shirt and jeans? Ladies, you’re better than that. 2. If you know the camera crew are coming to yours, that’s fine skip the getting changed part, but at least take down your Justin Bieber posters. That is unless you are stilling sporting a training bra, but given the amount of times you say ‘shit’, I doubt that is the case. 3. Think before you speak. I know it’s hard not to drop the f-bomb every second word and we forgot our brain to filming and it didn’t occur to us that heaven forbid our future offspring might stumble upon this in 20 years time. But for future reference, a second to pause and process wouldn’t go astray, and if not I think I might have a spare muzzle some of you can borrow? 4. When you sign a contract for a TV web series, and you grow up in small suburb where everyone knows everyone, maybe it would be smart not to bag people out? I hear coning is in this winter? Better go check your car. 5. Don’t be fake because people will see right through it. Once again, go check your car. 6. Be ready for the backlash. Truth bomb: not everybody is going to like you. Gasp. Shock. Horror. I know, it sucks but that’s how it goes. 7. Embrace the haters and go eat some cake.

Editor’s note: All opinions expressed are purely satirical and based on personal opinion. All opinions expressed do not reflect the views of the ATLAS editors. Feel free to draw your own conclusions at this link: http://tenplay.com.au/channel-eleven/lost-with-the-boys

AN A to Z OF FASHION FAUX PAS

FASHION KILLER

BLOGGERS MAKE EVEN THE LAMEST OF THINGS COOL. #TAGSFORLIKES ISN’T EVEN SHAMEFUL WHEN YOUR PHOTOS GET +1000 LIKES. BUT THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT NOT EVEN PSUEDOFAME CAN MAKE SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY TRY. WORDS BY BEC PALMA

VOLUME TWO | 20

is for ANIMAL EARS

I haven’t worn an animaleared headband since I was about 5, when I was hopping around my house on Easter in bunny ears. I’d say my choice of head adornment was pretty appropriate given my age, venue and circumstances. If you’re over the age of 12 and I see you outside of your house in cat ears for no good reason, I am going to judge you. You don’t even look like a cat, you look like Gothic Furbie.

is for DENIM UNDERWEAR

I don’t literally mean underwear made from denim. I’m talking about shorts that are too short. Like I-canpretty-much-see-your-actual-underwear short. Or I-can-see-more-thanyour-actual-underwear short. I can see what you ate for breakfast short. So girls (and increasingly even guys), a good rule of thumb when deciding whether or not those shorts of yours make the cut – if they’re above the thigh, say goodbye.

is for BIRKENSTOCKS

I have debated the topic of Birks with many of my peers and only after hearing many negative reviews of the footwear have I decided that they deserve a place in this list. Personally I don’t mind a good old Birk, but I have a theory that they only look good on about 1 in 10,000 people so I won’t be heading out to buy a pair any time soon. However I will leave you with a spoken thought from one of my dearests: “My grandma has been wearing those shoes for years, why are they suddenly in fashion now?”

is for CHOKERS

The choker is such a masochistic fashion statement to me… Doesn’t the name say it all? My least favourite choker, the 90’s stretchy ‘tattoo choker’, seems to have made a comeback as of late. Suppressed childhood memories are resurfacing.

is for ESPADRILLES

Espadrilles are so ugly. They are the thongs of closed-in footwear and once they start getting inevitable holes in them, they have about as much use as thongs. I hate all espadrilles. Except for the Chanel ones.

is for FOOD-INSPIRED ACCESSORIES I know a girl who seems to think it’s okay to wear a homemade T-bone steak necklace that she created from a dog’s chew toy. This isn’t even the worst of it; she’s an avid creator of these statement jewellery pieces, using anything from baby doll faces as oversized earrings and Barbie dolls to make skirts. Not to mention the clutch she made from a chip packet, the pineapple shaped sunglasses she flaunts and the grape headpieces. Why?

is for ISABEL MARANT SNEAKER WEDGES

Isabel Marant argues that the knockoffs of her sneaker wedges make anyone opting for the cheaper way out look â&#x20AC;&#x153;quite bitchy, very vulgarâ&#x20AC;? and in result have given her very own original design a bad rap. Isabel, adding wedges to sneakers was never a very good idea and I think you should take it as a compliment that anyone is making rip-offs of your disgusting shoe.

is for UNNECESSARY GLASSES

Who can forget their first pair of Jellies? Perhaps they were sparkly, or classic black, or glowed in the dark, or neon? Inexplicably loved by all, there was no wrong way to wear your Jellies – be it with frilly socks, anklets, or in the pool. When you were a toddler. Not when you’re a young woman looking to be taken seriously.

Aren’t you just saaaah alty! As someone who wears prescribed glasses, it took a solid 14 years of progressive sight diminishment for me to achieve this look, so can you not.

is for HAREM PANTS

Don’t do the harem thing unless you want to look like you’re wearing a nappy that is overdue for a change.

is for KNEE HIGH SOCKS

is for LEGGINGS

There is nothing more unflattering than a pair of leggings worn with the purpose of being pants. I can’t fathom how seeing your wedgie (or worse, frontal wedgie) is in any way, shape or form attractive or beneficial on both our parts.

Were you expecting to be caught up in a spontaneous game of soccer on your way to the library this morning? Is that why you opted for the knee-high socks? Hope you remembered to pack a pair of shin pads in your bag too.

is for JELLY SANDALS

is for NEON

is for MIDRIFFS

AKA the crop top. Has Tony Abbott’s newly proposed budget affected every woman so much that she has attempted to fit back into her baby clothes in an effort to save money, before cuts begin crunching the economy and in effect her much loved wardrobe? Or are designers stopping halfway in protest for higher wages because they can’t afford to pay off their fashion school Fee-Help debts? I just don’t know.

I couldn’t decide if there was a particular form of clothing that I hate the most in Neon. I mean neon sunglasses are pretty bad, but what about neon jeans? And neon eye shadows, or lipstick?

is for PEPLUM

is for OVERDONE MAKEUP

Neon lipstick isn’t the only way you can go wrong with your makeup ladies… and gentlemen. Your actual complexion got lost somewhere between your face and your neck, but I don’t mind your panda eyes. Oh, and is that eyeliner or the Nike logo? Just letting you know you missed your eyelid by like... alot.

Something about peplums just screams maternity. Not a great look if you’re not actually pregnant.

is for SNEANS

This may seem a little hypocritical writing this as some may have noticed that I love to rock sneans (sneakers and jeans) every now and then. But popular opinion is telling me that I look a little dorky, even disorientated wearing this combination. I can agree that the Jerry Seinfeld sneans are a little too much for me and I can see where people would get the idea that this look is dorky, but I don’t find anything wrong with a black pair of Nikes and a well-cut pair of jeans.

is for QUILTED VESTS

There’s nothing worse than a couch without it’s cushions. Are you a couch, vest-wearer? Perhaps you are a marshmallow, or a middle-aged soccer mom.

Dolce & Gabbana did it, and so did Givenchy yet somehow I can’t bring myself to agree with the often blasphemous and altered versions of religious figures appearing on clothing.

is for RELIGIOUS SYMBOLISM

is for UGG BOOTS Nothing freaks me out more than the thought of all of the bacteria that grow within a pair of overused, sweat/ rain soaked ugg boots. Why ruin a perfectly good outfit with the worst footwear of all time?

VOLUME TWO | 25

is for TURTLENECKS

You know what I was saying about looking like a toddler? This applies. These were never stylish, and they still aren’t. Sure, they’re practical for hiding your mid-winter double chin but accessorise with a scarf if need be - not a funnel of knitted hideousness. Remove the sleeves and you’re at another universe of ugly.

is for VELOUR TRACKSUITS

Not even Kanye West can make a velour tracksuit look good. But if you’d still like to try, why don’t you wear a velour tracksuit with ‘Juicy’ across the bottom and insult my eyes just a little bit more while you’re at it?

is for YELLOW

I stand by this, no matter what. Yellow may be gender neutral but its certainly not neutral in its visual offence. There is nothing more disgustingly putrid than a shade on the Yellow spectrum - be it Mustard, Custard or any other gloopy-substance named hue. You’ve been warned.

is for WINDSOR SMITH SANDALS

This is the last of my footwear bashing. By the end of this feature you’ll probably be a little confused as to what kind of footwear you can actually wear. But whatever shoe it is you do decide to wear, don’t wear white chunky platform sandals. Thankyou, Windsor Smith, you managed to change the course of history - and believe me, it was certainly not for the better.

is for THE EX

There’s only one accessory fashion bloggers can’t buy - an indie photographer boyfriend. You know what you do with something that just isn’t quite right? You throw it in the Vinnies bin for a well-dressed homeless transvestite to enjoy. Sometimes I just wish our favourite fash bloggers would do the same.

is for ZOONOSIS

Diseases of animals, which can be transmitted to humans. No one likes diseases and I think bad fashion trends and diseases are very much alike in the way in which they spread. Also, real animal fur is both ethically and hygenically wrong, so don’t go wearing your pets.

MY UN AND ONLY

LIKE LEO’S OSCAR OR DAMIEN LEITH IN THE THIRD SEASON OF IDOL, SOME PEOPLE LIVE LIFE ROBBED OF THE RECOGNITION THEY DESERVE. FORTUNATELY, RES DINNER OFFERS A SECOND CHANCE FOR SOME OF THESE UNSUNG HEROES. BEFORE YOU GET ALL JITTERY WITH THE THOUGHT THAT MAYBE JUST MAYBE THE EVENING WILL OFFER SOME KIND OF GRATIUTOUS RECOGNITION OF YOUR INNER BEAUTY, I REQUEST THAT WE OPEN THIS SEMESTER’S CROP OF CONTENDERS TO AN INTERNATIONAL SPHERE. With a kind of beauty that transcends gender barriers, Supreme Leader Kim Jung Un, from the ‘Gloriously United and Bravely Harmonious Government of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea’ has rightly put himself forward as both the Most Wanted Male and Female of 142. They say the most attractive things about a person are their physique, career prospects, personality and Mr Supreme Leader has all this in spades. With that horizontal smile that just keeps the girls guessing, to his Oliver Twist-esque symmetrical figure that just makes you want to ask for ‘some more please,’ Mr Kim Jong aesthetically hypnotises females into happily ever after. Move aside Prince Charming, blonde windswept hair is so ‘unsafe for Democratic Education’ - welcome the new Government approved Kim Jong Un haircut. Short back and sides with a quaff of messy bed hair on top to make you wish every day could be a lazy Sunday spent between bedsheets. It’s scientifically proven that any other haircut is incarnate of free market evil. Wanting boy band hair like Harry styles? More like Styleless. Needless to say, I know what Government

approved haircut I will be asking my barber for. Dreaming of athletic children? Do you wish your kids could score 300 points per basketball game? Nothing guarantees sporting ability like genetics, and Kim Jong Un might just be the master ball of ensuring Gold Medals. In an act of pure selflessness, when the people of North Korea were too busy working towards international supremacy, Mr Il represented North Korea in the Winter Olympics and single handedly won the pairs figure skating and two man Bobsled. Oh yeah, he also set world records in both events described in his words to “never be beaten again.” I am not even kidding, this is legitimately what he told and is believed by the people of North Korea. Power sure is intoxicating! Oh yeah, did I forget to mention he is believed to be a demiGod? You might have to start liking the baby name ‘Hercules.’ Talking about power, Kim Jong Un has enough power to make you weak at the knees. Did you say you just want security and commitment out of your man? Well if you are looking to the sexiest kind of relational security, job security, to judge a man, there is greater chance of gravity being disproved than Kim Jong Un losing his job. In the recent election, 100% of voters voted Kim Jong Un for Supreme Leader. There may have only been one name on the ballot slip, but like you reading this article, why would you want to marry second best when you know perfection is right in front of you? ¶

“Move aside Prince Charming, blonde windswept hair is so unsafe for Democratic Education.”

VOLUME TWO | 29

WHO THE F%*K IS...

DEAD MAN’S BONES WORDS BY JAMES FITCHETT

NO, IT’S NOT A WELL-PLACED DOPPELGANGER. THAT IS RYAN GOSLING - THE MAN YOU KNOW BUT THE ALBUM YOU DON’T. There are a lot of bands out there; a lot that break into the mainstream and a lot that don’t. A band that decides to produce tracks of the Indie-horror-folk rock genre is rarely going to crack the proverbial mainstream egg, which is probably why you’ve never heard of these guys. Even you hipsters out there - god knows there are a lot of you - are probably yet to have your ears caressed by the gentle sombre tones of Dead Man’s Bones. Dead Man’s Bones self-titled debut album, released way back in 2009, isn’t for everyone. An independent folk/ rock group, who are obsessed with ghosts, gouls and all things eerie and dreary, have definitely tried something a little unique, quirky and substantially depressing. It is raw, ominous and fronted by the one and only Ryan Gosling. No, I wasn’t casually writing what occupies my mind for most of the day. Mr Gosling, as it turns out, is a legitimately talented musician and wellrounded (and well-sculpted) human. While his musical prowess is no secret, he’s come quite a way since having been a prodigy from the Mickey Mouse Club back in the early 90’s alongside the likes of Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. Usually I hate the idea of what the youth these days call a “slashie,” an actor/singer who decides to delve into other art forms completely relying on their current fame for overnight success, but when it works, it’s hard not to bulk froth the individual

and, like most straight women and curved men, I am currently bulk frothing The Gosling. Ryan Gosling… what a man. He began working on the Dead Man’s Bones project since 2005 alongside one Zach Shields, but in reference to their current creative projects, “slightly inactive” is the understatement of the century. In nearly ten years since the duo have been together they’ve been on one tour, produced one album. Talk about a one-hit wonder. Although, it’s fair to say one of the two band members could be busy with other things, hence the understandable lack of activity on the music front. I personally would like more, because, to be frank, this “less is more” mantra is bullshit. When they did tour during the Halloween period of 2009, it was epic. They targeted very small local communities and would source the local children’s choirs to provide the backing vocals of their live shows. The use of evangelical kiddy amateurs relates to the band’s focus on the natural beauty of music and spend little time recording and perfecting their tracks, as they believe the beauty in music relies on its naturalism. While it sounds lame as shit, the album is a solid reflection of the idea of raw imperfection - it literally sounds like it was recorded in someone’s garage. All these little qualities compliment the tone and theme of the album and overall define the band’s persona. I find some bands that invest too heavily in the production value and perfecting every intricate detail of the tracks that sacrifice the raw quality, which made the band a win in the first place. I pray Dead Man’s Bones keep it real, and as a result, fill me with vast feels. ¶

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THE BASEMENT

GRAB-A-GRANNY

02 01THE BASEMENT 03 A WORD TO THE WISE

MARCH HOROSCOPES

MARCH HOROSCOPES SHUTTERBUG ATTIC’S AGONY AUNT GAME FACE

SHUTTERBUG

ARIES 21 MARCH - 19 APRIL This month, romance will finally come to you, it will then get annoyed when you won’t shut up about yourself and it will leave. Try not to be too arrogant Aries, it’s important to return favors, even if it’s just listening to someone for one minute after they’ve listened to you rant for two years without taking a breath. Sometimes being interested in people does more good than being interesting yourself. Hate to be the one to say it, but Uranus is in your sign this month – and your head is in your anus.

PISCES 19 FEBRAURY - 20 MARCH You might as well change your sign to ‘pieces’ because that’s what you’re about to fall into. Nothing will go your way this month, everything is getting further and further away from complete. Work and university are a disaster and I won’t even touch your love life. If it makes you feel any better, you’re looking great.

PI SC AQUA RIU S

US I R TA

SAGGITARIUS 22 NOVEMBER - 21 DECEMBER California here you come! Not literally - that was more of a metaphor for your new beginning, not unlike the story of our beloved Ryan Atwood. Here’s hoping it’s also full of drama and hot sidekicks. Practice your surprised face because all of the trouble you’ve been stirring is about to come out and no one will be looking at you. You got away this time, and luckily made the break, but nothing speaks regrets like a dead Marissa Cooper so you better be ready to face the consequences in the future.

N ICOR R P CA

CAPRICORN 22 DECEMBER - 19 JANUARY You need a little adventure this month Capricorn! You’ve got a bit of a reputation for being the kind of person who sees an English movie when visiting Paris so mix it up for once, take a chance and stop being so boring. That’s why they invented subtitles. Seriously though, it’s becoming embarrassing. Most importantly, whatever you do, do with purpose and do it alone.

SCOR PIO

AQUARIUS 20 JANUARY - 18 FEBRUARY Get off Tinder, this is supposed to be the year of your career! Stop focusing on the things that don’t particularly require your attention right now and set yourself goals to ensure that you are exactly where you want to be this time next year. However, if you decide to ignore my advice, at least change your main photo – not even Samantha Jones in a two week dry spell would swipe right for that.

ES ARI

SA G G I

HOROSCOPES

SCORPIO 23 OCTOBER - 21 NOVEMBER Congratulations Scorpio, after taking the back seat and noticing that Earth did not fall off its axis, you now know that the world really doesn’t revolve around you. Don’t worry though, with science progressing at its current rate humans will inhabit another planet soon enough and maybe one will hold a little more promise as your kingdom. Similar to that lover who you’ve got hanging on your every word, I just want to know how they aren’t frustrated with you only talking about yourself… again.

TAURUS 20 APRIL - 20 MAY Sometimes it’s best to know when it’s time to step back and take your new place. You’re beginning to look like Kim Kardashian standing next to Kendall Jenner… old news. You’re no longer the life of the party, so extract yourself from the pole and put that shot down, why not swap them for a night in, studying? Surely all of your energy could be put to better use than seducing last semester’s booty call! GEMINI 21 MAY - 20 JUNE Your procrastinating isn’t helping anybody, especially not you. With heavy times just around the corner, it’s time for you to knuckle down and at least start streaming the lecture from week 1. With Everest in front of you it will feel a little bit better knowing the walk from the blocks to Dons is behind you. Set up a happy place to work in, surround yourself with love and support and get done what you need to!

TAUR US

GE M

I IN

CER CAN

CANCER 21 JUNE - 22 JULY I know you love to fight someone for an opening (anyone, any opening), but it’s time for you to sit back and let this one come to you. With work opportunities just around the corner, you should focus on that. You’re hardly looking for love at the moment Cancer. However, perhaps you stop searching so desperately for someone to make love to.

LEO

LEO 23 JULY - 22 AUGUST Even though you think your life is a hit new single, all anyone else is noticing is that its ‘feat Pitbull’ so, s/he has to go. Why are you letting yourself be dragged down by someone?! Love is supposed to empower you, not eradicate you. Leo, You’re the King (or Queen, we support equality). Stand tall and take your crown back – nobody is more worthy of it than you!

VI R

VIRGO 23 AUGUST - 22 SEPTEMBER Some people eat their feelings, and then there are people like you – whose feelings eat them. At least you haven’t gained weight but you haven’t gained friends either. Every day you are being bombarded by opportunities but you just can’t see them! Surround yourself with positive people and the positive energy that they exude will reflect itself on to you. You will be surprised how many doors are opening, but you’ll be disappointed in yourself when you realize they were there all along.

O G

A LIBR

LIBRA 23 SEPTEMBER - 22 OCTOBER With Mercury no longer in retrograde you will find that your natural sleeping patterns will be back to normal. However, even though Mercury won’t be keeping you up, doesn’t mean something else won’t! Libra, get your mind out of the gutter, I meant study. It’s time to put some all nighters and get the grades you haven’t been working for. I know you’re disappointed, maybe next month it will be something a little more exciting.

shot by Robbie Kinloch,

OH, SNAP!

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game face MEDIUM

ACROSS 1. ”La ___ Bonita” (Madonna song) 5. Gung-ho 9. Considerably 13. Voting outcome? 14. NBC emcee 15. Prairie sights 17. ”Just Push Play” band 19. Jewish teacher 20. Humble horse 21. Saintly glow 22. Quashed 23. ”Cape ___” (’91 De Niro film) 25. Catty remark 26. Support for Tiger Woods?

28. Long, long time 29. Wonderful, in slang 32. Creator of Harry Potter 36. On tenterhooks 38. Shakespearean “soon” 39. Took notice 41. Second in a series 42. Roadside eatery 44. Braveheart director and star 46. Ordinal number ender 47. Shortened version, for short 49. Star pitcher 50. Off-Broadway awards 52. Comic/actor Sandler 55. Needlework

57. You’ve Got ___ 60. Limbo requisite 62. Qum resident 63. The Hunt for Red 64. October author 65. Sad song 66. Chick follower 67. Red Cross supplies 68. River of central Germany 69. Cozy rooms 70. ”The ___ Giant”, 1999 animation

DOWN 1. Self-confident words 2. Harvest bundle 3. Shirt size 4. Botheration 5. ___ mater 6. Hide 7. Digging, so to speak 8. Homer Simpson’s exclamation 9. Side by side 10. Be stationary, nautically 11. Ozzy’s family 12. Option for Hamlet 16. Nancy Drew’s boyfriend 18. Mouselike animal 22. Paris potable 24. Repair a wrong 25. Filmdom big shot 27. Raised railroads 28. Maze word 30. Regarding 31. Koontz of fright fiction 32. Green shade 33. Work with yarn 34. A Beautiful Mind director 35. Poetic feet 37. Waned 40. Palmer’s org. 43. Washington summit 45. Poker challenge 48. Petition 51. Spree 53. Daisy Mae’s man 54. Computer shortcut 55. Tom Sawyer’s half brother 56. One of a watery quintet 57. Style 58. Last word in prayer 59. Cold desserts 61. Meg in the movies 63. Smidgen 64. Do-say connection

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