Overcoming Unseen Illness With God's Help

Overcoming Unseen Illness With God's Help: TBI, PTSD & Suicide

by Laurie M. Gagne

This book belongs to: ____________________________________

Author Bio Laurie M. Gagne is a survivor of a serious life-threatening illness. She has been married for 36 years, one child and one grandchild, both named Jason.

Laurie loves to create beautiful things such as books, quilts, smiles on the face of another person or a beautiful meal to be enjoyed by everyone at her dinner table and she loves the Lord.

When Laurie isn't sewing, or cooking you can find here in her garden or with those she loves.

Overcoming Unseen Illness With God's Help Copyright Š 2012 by Laurie M. Gagne Laurie M. Gagne is a survivor of a serious life-threatening illness and continues on in her life with God, family and friends by her side.

Acknowledgment Dedicated to a loving God, to all who struggle with unseen illness, in memory of our friend Al who saw no way out and to men and women who battle for freedom everyday wherever they are.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including storage and retrieval systems without permission in writing from Laurie M. Gagne My prayer and purpose in writing this book is to reach those who are suffering through the trials in their lives, to provide a spark of hope in a dark place, to shine a light into the corners of despair. To give this hope through Christ who suffered so much for us.

ISBN-13: 9781605003016 Powered By Bookemon. www.bookemon.com

Contents 1. Knowing God Is In Charge With Your Permission........4 2. Definition Of TBI & PTSD, My Journey........................5 3.The Battle, Taking A Stand & Winning The War..........12 4.How long Will Life Be This Way? Never Give Up And Living After The War...............................................15 5. The Bottom Line For Unseen Illness............................16 6. Definition Of Suicide, I Miss My Friend.........................17 7.How Do We Know, What Can I Do To Help My Friends & What Happened To My Life?...................19 8. Feelings Of Hopelessness, Choices & Where did My Friend Go? Another Aspect of Suicide...21 9. The Bottom Line For Suicide.........................................24

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Knowing God is In Charge, With Your Permission God loves His children and He loves you, but God will not be intrusive. He will not enter your life without your permission.

It is a simple thing to ask God into your life. Ask Him to help you, ask Him to show you how to live after the trauma you have faced, ask Him to forgive the wrongs (sin) you have done in your lifetime.

It’s that easy, Gods word says ask and you shall receive. I know this to be true in my life and you can too.

After asking God into your life He will guide and direct you.

He will be in charge but He will never make you do anything you do not want to. He is a loving Father, not a demanding one.

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Traumatic Brain Injury & Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Websterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Dictionary has the following definitions: Trauma---an injury (as a wound) to living tissue caused by an extrinsic agent, <surgical>, a disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from mental or emotional stress or physical injury. An agent, force, or mechanism that causes trauma.

Brain---1a: the portion of the vertebrate central nervous system that constitutes the organ of thought and neural coordination, includes all the higher nervous center receiving stimuli from the sense organs and interpreting and correlating them to formulate the motor impulses, is made up of neurons and supporting and nutritive structures, is enclosed within the skull, and is continuous with the spinal cord through the foramen magnum. b: a nervous center in invertebrates comparable in position and function to the vertebrate brain. uses trauma------traumatic Injury---1a: an act that damages or hurts : wrong b: violation of anotherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s rights for which the law allows an action to recover damages hurt, damage ,or loss sustained.

So there you have it, traumatic brain injury. Those of us who live with traumatic brain injury have sustained a loss, hurt and damage as a result of trauma to our brain.

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Whether the trauma is physical injury or emotional trauma, it is still very real to the person suffering with it. The good news is that we can learn to live with the trauma with Gods help. His help can come in the form of doctors ,counseling, a loved one or the neighbor down the street. Help is always available to those who are in need of it. â&#x20AC;Ś God is our refuge and a very present help in trouble. Psalm 46:3 (NKJ) PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder The following words have numerous definitions in Websterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s dictionary and I urge you to look them all up. I chose to include these definitions, I felt they best fit the subject, PTSD. Post---relay station, a pole or stake set to mark something ---the place at which a solider is stationed ---behind, after, following ---subsequent to, later than Trauma---a disorder psychic or behavioral state resulting from mental or emotional stress or physical injury Stress---constraining force or influence ---a physical, chemical or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and may be a factor in disease causation Disorder---a lack of order ---to disturb the normal or regular functions of ---an abnormal physical or mental condition

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My Journey Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for me happened after the brain hemorrhage, after all treatments, after the coiling of the brain aneurysm, after the craniotomy, it came after.

It came upon me when everything in my life was quiet. I had returned home from the hospital in July 1996, our sixteen year old son was my caretaker and he did an amazing job over the summer months. Then in September he went back to school, my husband was working again after months of unemployment. It was totally quiet in the house and I was alone, our two dogs as my only companions. It was like after a funeral, following a loved ones death there are numerous arrangements to be made, then everyone is gone and you are left alone with your grief. That is where I was, alone with my grief. To me Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d lost so much, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d lost my business, a family daycare. So much of my life was wrapped up in this work, what was I going to do now!

During my life there had always been people around me, I grew up on and around farms here in upstate, New York, farms always have something going on, people stopping by. I have three brothers and two sisters, and lots of Aunts, Uncles, cousins and so on, later in my life our church was full of loving friends, I always worked at something, my husband always had a motorcycle, we have ridden many miles with our friends, that would no longer happen. Back in 1980, our son was born, in 1986 I started babysitting so he would have someone to play with, then I took the classes and became county certified, then I became stated licensed for home daycare. For ten years I worked hard and built a very good reputation in the area of home daycare and now it

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was gone, I was no longer physically able to continue. It was so quiet with everyone gone, the silence for me was too difficult and my personality began to change, it was a subtle change, but it was there. I had too much time to think my husband would tell me.

What was I supposed to do, at this point my capabilities were limited. I became terrified, paralyzed with fear, I had just realized the trauma I and my family had faced and it hit me hard. I had actually died in the first hospital I was in, I flatlined the doctors said. I knew God had chosen to send me back and my life has never been the same.

Whatever trauma you are facing, there is a way out, turning to God for help is the first step.

During the next year and a half or so I faced physical as well as emotional problems, they were still difficult but I now knew God was by my side and this brought mountains of comfort to me. I started everyday for the next seven months by rushing downstairs to the bathroom where I vomited, had sweats, and violent shaking, the beginning of my days, every day. I looked for answers as to why this was happening to me and why was I nauseous all of the time. No doctor I went to could help me, one was downright rude and cynical, asking me why I was in his office. No one could help me and my frustration grew as did the fear in my life.

Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve shared with friends the story of how I would sit on my sofa for hours afraid the mailman would come, once he dropped the mail in our mailbox I would sit for more hours afraid to go outside and get the mail. I was paralyzed with fear. Sounds stupid huh, it wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t, it was my life.

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From time to time our telephone would ring, a friend calling me and I was too terrified to answer the phone. My only connection to people, other than my husband and son, was a neighbor who would see me outside and ask how I was doing. My reply if any was brief and eye contact was out of the question. I was afraid of people, even those I knew, I would avoid all people if possible. The months following the craniotomy were the most difficult and terrifying months of my life. All structure was gone, everything familiar, everything I knew, everything I counted on was gone, except my family and some faithful friends.

I was suffering Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, (too many changes in my life in a short period of time) and didn’t even know it, in fact I had never heard of PTSD! No one clued me in that this might happen to me.

The winter months were awful for me, it seemed my husband and son had things to do, I didn’t, they had people to talk to, I didn’t, they enjoyed life, I didn’t. I would sit in our home looking out the window watching cars drive by, wondering what it was like to have a life. I continued vomiting, sweating, shaking and being nauseous every morning, this was how I started my day. I would be up to see our son off to school, being sixteen he might not speak to me past "morning", but that was okay. I just wanted him to know I was there if he needed anything, then as soon as he went out the door to catch the bus I was back in bed with all strength gone, I was depressed, suffering PTSD, who knew?

I prayed constantly, I prayed some more, I would wonder where God had gone, after all He kept me here in this place. In February of 1997 the nausea and vomiting stopped,

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it just stopped. I felt pretty good, I remember thinking to myself, this is how I should have felt after the craniotomy. Life was good, but only for a short time. Come about mid March 1997 I realized something was wrong with my vision, things didn’t look right. So off to get new glasses, things still didn’t look right. Many, many doctor’s visits later I was diagnosed with something called Superior Oblique Myokimia, I had seen my neroopthomologist, first visit he said it was scar tissue build up causing the visual problem and he would check with the surgeon who did my craniotomy in Boston, next visit he said, no way it can be scar tissue build up. . Who wants to scream, I do! Thus the Superior Oblique Myokimia diagnoses, it had to be something right? To this day I live with a visual disorder that has changed and limits my life.

About the same time as the visual disorder, my mother was diagnosed with a brain tumor, she would undergo surgery, turns out there were complications and she would have a second surgery, it was a difficult process for the whole family. Then over the July 4th holiday our beloved golden retriever, Lucy, who had been one of my companions after my illness was rushed to the veterinarian, diagnosed with cancer and had to have her put to sleep right then we all cried that day.

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What came to mind that day, suicide! Could I possibly take anything else, I just wanted all the pain to stop. I wanted my life to end but God didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t. Yes it has been a rough road I have traveled.

My mother passed away in 2000 from lung caner. I was one of her caretakers and it was an extremely difficult time for me, as were other aspects of my life. I did make it through the summer months that year, but the thought of facing another winter messed with me mentally, winters here in the northeast can be isolating, I had taken to listening to Christian radio for several hours each morning for something to do. Structure was something I needed, even in a small way. One morning as I was listening to the radio an advertisement for a mental Health Clinic came on. As I listened, I began crying, it sounded like me they were talking about, could I actually need help? I remember that telephone call I made to the mental health clinic that day, I could barely talk, I was so emotional. The clinic was in Massachusetts, to far for me to go to so they referred me to a Christian counselor in my area, thus began the search to take back my life. My husband and I found a Christian counselor we could afford, Godâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s provision for us, and over the next eleven months she would give me the tools to live again.

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The Battle I’ve never been on a battlefield in a foreign land. I am however in a battle for my life. I have been in battle every day since my illness in 1996. I’ve fought lots of battles. The mind is where the battle begins, the idea is to stop it there. Squelch it before it takes hold of your physical being. Squelch it before it completely takes over your mind.

Never entertain a negative thought! How do you squelch the battle that takes place in your mind? You win the battle with God's word, you speak the word out loud and you speak it in Jesus name! Arm yourself with the word of God. Dig in and surround yourself with the people of God, with the music of God’s children, with prayer. A battle is not won single-handedly. Warriors never face battle without a plan of action and this battle is no different. You must have a plan of action, a determination to win.

The right to live a good life is yours. It has been bought and paid for with the blood of Jesus Christ. …The thief cometh not, but to steal and to kill; and to destroy; I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. John 10:10 NKJ Taking A Stand Taking a stand to win the battle is not easy. This traumatic brain injury cannot always be seen by others. They don’t, won’t or can’t understand why you sometimes act like you do. To them you look normal just like you always have. What they don’t see are the changes inside. You and I both know that once a person has suffered a great

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trauma life is never the same. There are times when I just want to cry. It is frustrating when things fall out of my hand for no apparent reason, or when I simply cannot understand what someone is trying to tell me and for me numbers are the worst since my illness. I never was much good at math but now I’m fortunate if I can add two numbers together. I forget things too. I don’t remember my initial hospital stay or going by ambulance three and a half hours to a New York City Hospital, a good thing for me but very painful for my family. I can tell my husband something and not remember it as soon as I finish saying it. I see people all the time and their faces look familiar to me but I don’t know who they are and I know I should. Most people are very understanding though. I have become determined that no matter what I am taking a stand with God, to live my life to the very best of my ability, I’ll not hide away because I drop things or because I forget things. God is my strength, my source for everything and I will stand with Him always. …The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life: of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalm 27:1 (NKJ) Winning The War This war is silent, this war can be subtle, this war is constant and this war can be won.

I for one am here, I am alive and medically should not be or at least I should be a vegetable in a nursing home somewhere. I am determined to win this war that rages inside of me and I win this war everyday when I wake up in the morning. Do I always feel

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like waking up, my honest answer would be no I don’t. I have often over the years wished for my life to end but that would be the easy way out, the cowards way It is much more difficult and wonderful to face the troubles the days bring with them and I wouldn’t have missed a moment for anything in the world, even the bad days.

God has been so gracious to me, helping me, guiding me along, blessing me. I check in with God every morning before my feet hit the floor. I seek His direction and guidance for the day ahead. He never fails me, never.

The battle wears you down, it saps your strength. Most of us know that there is strength in numbers, let the people who are closest to you hold you up when you are weak.

Admit it not all days with traumatic brain injury or any illness are full of peaches and cream. The struggle to survive doesn’t end after the battle is won. Life can beat you down if you let it.

I choose daily not to let this life or anyone in it beat me down ever again. I’ve been given the gift of my life, of a second chance to live. I won’t throw it away by allowing this world to kick me around. I will stand with God, face the day and win the war! With God on my side how can I lose? I can’t. The war is won with love not with anger. God is love and we must follow His example to win.

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How Long Will Life Be This Way? The answer to the question, How long will life be this way, is easy. It will be this way as long as you choose to let it. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m not saying life will return to the way it was before your trauma. What I have found in my life is that I choose. I choose to have a good day or a bad day, I choose my reaction to others, I choose my attitude, I choose not to let other people rule my life, only God. I follow His example to love others and His word poured into my life, I choose to overcome any and all obstacles in my life.

If I can choose to wear a green shirt or a blue shirt, surely I can choose to live my life with Gods help. I can choose to look past the negative comment that was just said to me, I can choose to lie down like a dog or I can choose to get up and run with the big dogs, I can choose to see life as God sees it or I can choose to see life as the world sees it and become depressed, despondent and suicidal, all by the way I have been.

Once I came out of that black pit of depression with Gods help and mercy, I vowed never to return there. Ever!

My life is different now, it is better than before and much more precious to me, Christian counseling gave me the tools to see myself as God does, as a person worthy of love, worthy of His love. I have learned that those things I perceived as a loss, were a step to where God needed me to go. ...And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 (NKJ)

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So here I am all these years later, reaching out to others suffering any of a multitude of trials forced upon them by the world. I thank God for every trial I have faced that has brought me to you.

Never Give Up! After returning home from my many hospital stay’s, after the brain hemorrhage, after the brain aneurysm coiling, after embolization therapy, after my craniotomy (brain surgery) I would get so mad at my husband, Dan. I would ask him to do things for me that were difficult or near impossible for me to do and he wouldn’t do them for me, telling me I had to do them myself, I now thank him for that gift. Yes it was a gift that I didn’t understand at the time, I now know how difficult it was for him to say no to me. I am so much better for his saying no to me, making me do things for myself. Where would I be now if he had done everything for me? I can tell you that I would not be the strong determined person I am today. Hear me when I say never give up, no matter what!. No matter how hard life seems now, never give up! Those who love you will stick by you and if they leave you now during this traumatic crisis its okay, God will always be there as long as you ask Him to be. He didn’t do this to you man did. God will always love you and want what is best for you even though it may not seem like it at the time Never give up!

Never! …For we walk by faith, not by sight 2 Corinthians 5:7

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Living After The War Once you have won numerous battles and have come to the realization that your life is different than it used to be, then you can see the light. It may be just a dim glimmer of hope at first, but just a spark can light the way to life again, a better life, one in which you come to the place of acceptance. You are who you are and God loves and accepts you as you are. It is called unconditional love, no strings, no hoops to jump through, just love, just as you are. Allow yourself to be loved. Let someone help you through this traumatic crisis in your life. Open the door to live once again.

Bottom Line For Unseen Illness The bottom line is you are alive, so what if you forget things, so what if others don’t understand. Take your life back, don’t let it be stolen away from you or your loved ones.

Let God help you put the pieces of your life back together again.

You Choose!

I don’t know if I have Traumatic Brain Injury as it is described medically. I do know that since the brain trauma I suffered, my life has changed drastically. I’ve been to the dark place of depression and suicidal thoughts, caused by PTSD, It’s an awful place, a terrible black pit I wondered if I would ever be able to climb out of.

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I thank God for His love for me and for the people He has placed in my life to help me and for all of their prayers on my behalf. There are many people in my life who keep me going and who have kept me alive. I am determined to live life, to make the best of what God has given to me.

Who knows what tomorrow may hold. I want to be here to find out, don’t you?

Definition of suicide (Webster’s Dictionary) The act or an instance of taking one’s own life voluntarily and intentionally.

I Miss My Friend I miss my friend who talked with me, my friend who willingly helped me out when I needed a hand, my friend who painted the rooms of my home, my friend who looked after the flowers in my yard, my friend who bought me bomb pops on a hot summer day, my friend who could tell me just what he thought about me and it was okay because I knew he loved me, my friend who sometimes drove me crazy, my friend who always seemed to be in pain, my friend who seemed sad, my friend who was as close as a brother to me. He saw no way out of his pain except suicide.

I can not say it enough, suicide is not the answer. In reality suicide is selfish, but when the pain of life hits a person, when it overwhelms their lives they just want the pain to end giving no thought to the repercussions death will have, no thought to those who love them dearly, finding an answer to our pain is a challenge. Sometimes we feel as though life is out of control and we are slipping downward with nothing to hang on to. The good

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news is that there is hope, there is one who can save us, Jesus Christ can save your life as He did mine. …The thief cometh not, but for to steal and to kill, and to destroy; I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. John 10:10 (NKJ) How Do We Know?

How do we know? Can we know? Shouldn’t we have known? The answer is no. If a person is contemplating suicide they don’t want you to know, they don’t want you to feel the pain they feel, I hid my pain from everyone. All I knew was that I wanted the pain of life to end, I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone. So many thoughts and feelings, too many dark places in my mind. When life seems overwhelming to someone, suicide seems an easy way out. I don’t care who you are when life closes in on you and you see no way out, you will think a lot about suicide. Don’t buy into the lie that suicide will end your pain or release those you love from the burden of you because it won’t! It will only create a new set of problems. Those you leave behind after you voluntarily take your own life will have a huge void in their lives.

They will always wonder, could I have done something?

They will be filled with grief and anguish, heartache. And what about you, Heaven or Hell for eternity? What is the choice you made?

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What Can I Do To Help My Friends?

Love them.

Be there for them.

Share your faith in Christ with them.

Hear what they are NOT saying.

What Happened To My Life?

My life was good, not always easy but no complaints really. So what happened? Life happened. Could be any number of circumstances in your life that changed, illness, job loss, bills piling up, drug addiction, alcoholism, relationship troubles, abuse of any kind, the horrors of war, and on and on. These changes can be severe enough to drive a person to consider the lie called suicide. This lie called suicide is meant to stop your life, the life you can have. The one filled with joy and peace. Sound impossible to you?

Believe me its not impossible. After my life threatening illness, the one that should have ended my life but by a miracle only God could do it didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, too many changes in my life in a short period of time. The many prayers said on my behalf and Christian counseling with a wonderful woman of God gave my family and I our lives back. It wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t the life we had before my illness it was better! Past the life threatening illness I had and all that entailed the road to recovery continues and I continue to meet each challenge that comes my way. I am so thankful to be alive. I have survived everything that has tried to kill me and this has changed the way I view life. When I flatlined (died) in the hospital I learned that the scripture in the

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bible is true; ...We are confident, I say and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.

2 Corinthians 5:8 (NKJ) So if you have accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior have no fear of dying. If you have not accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, do it!

Feelings Of Hopelessness Hopelessness, we all experience it. Life seems upside down, like the world has gone crazy, insane really and has lost all perspective about what is right and what is wrong.

The lines have blurred and we see no way out of our current circumstances. Any hope we did have has been replaced with despair. Bad things just keep happening to us and all around us. We entertain thoughts of suicide as an end to the insanity around us. â&#x20AC;Ścasting down imaginations, and every high thing that exaulteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; 2 Corinthians 10:5 Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll say it again, suicide is NOT the answer not now or ever!

Choices Choices are made every day. They can be as simple as, what do I wear today or as complex as, do I kill myself today? I suggest you choose wisely. Take time, think, consider all the possibilities, and talk with someone you trust before taking your life away from those who love and care about you. See suicide for the lie it is. Look past the pain

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you feel. Choose not to be overwhelmed.

My life became very painful for me, so many losses, anxieties, changes and I became overwhelmed. I wanted the pain to stop, I considered suicide. I now thank God for two phone calls the day I lay on my bed trying to remember where the key to my husbands gun cabinet was so I could go get a gun to kill myself. My husband was at work, our son was gone with friends. It was just me and our two dogs at home, I could end all of my pain today. As I had this thought the phone rang and I heard the familiar voice of our Pastor. My husband had called him from his place of employment to say that he was concerned about me. I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t remember much about the phone call except our Pastors voice saying, Satan is a liar. I remember crying so badly that I could hardly speak. After the phone call, a short time later, a sense of peace and calmness settled over me and I knew everything was going to be alright. From that time on I vowed never to let this world or anyone in it to bully me into being overwhelmed again.

Choose life, choose to live!

Where Did My Friend Go? Your friend went one of two places, to heaven or to hell, up or down. Neither is a myth or fairytale, both are very real. A Pastor once told us, you will be surprised by who is in heaven when you get there and who is not there. In the last moments before a person commits suicide, in those dark, desperate moments that person could very well have asked forgiveness and accepted Christ as Lord and savior. They could be in heaven right now. We will never know until we ourselves get there.

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God loves us just as we are, where we are. He extends forgiveness to us, we just need ask Him. …For every one that asketh recieveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knock; it shall be opened.

Matthew 7:8 (NKJ) Grieving over where your friend that committed suicide is now is a natural human reaction to the loss you feel, but it won’t get you anywhere. The decision has already been made.This is why it is so important to share your faith in God, your acceptance of Jesus Christ with those you love.

When I die I want a party, music, singing and cake. I love cake! I know where I’m going when I die, I’ve already been there, so I am not afraid to die. I’m also not so stupid as to put myself in harms way, like stepping in front of a bus to see if it can stop in time before hitting me. I no longer want to take my life; I have too much to do. I no longer want to die to end my pain. Heaven is wonderful, Hell is an eternity of horrible torture. I have made my decision, have you?

Another Aspect Of Suicide There is another aspect of suicide I must mention, another reason some people consider and commit suicide, revenge. When circumstances in a person’s life completely overtake them, when life seems to be a dead end, when anger is present then the “I’ll show them, I’ll kill myself" and get the "last word” mentality kicks in. A person is so consumed with the difficulties and difficult people in their lives, as with hopelessness, suicide seems the only answer to them. The mind has taken them to the dark depths of

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despair and a person feels every difficulty in their lives as a sharp bolt of pain and the pain must stop. Whatever the reason for considering suicide, it is still and NEVER will be the answer! Don’t let this lie called suicide end your life, a person always has options.

Seek the alternative of suicide, seek to live. Do you really want to take the chance of a life no more? …be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour … 1 Peter 5:8 (NKJ) The Bottom Line For Suicide Suicide will kill you! No one is an island unto themselves. Its okay to ask for help when you need a hand, when life overwhelms you. You should seek help, put your pride aside before it kills you, find someone who will listen to you and who will understand the pain you are going through. The best place I know to seek help is God, through Jesus Christ, He will accept you as you are, where you are, no matter what!

Suicide for me became a real thought in my life after surviving a life-threatening illness.

The hospital that preformed my craniotomy (brain surgery) sent me home a few days after my 11 1/2 hour brain surgery to remove the offending AVM that was leaking blood into my brain, the initial bleeding was stopped with Embolization Therapy, but the threat of future complications remained, thus my husband and I opted for removal of the AVM. The hospital sent me home telling me I could come back if I needed to, otherwise I could return to doing what I normally did prior to surgery. To this day I don't know what they were talking about because there was no returning to normal for me. I felt like a burden

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to my family, I felt so useless, nothing about my life would ever be like it was before and so I considered suicide as a way out of my physical and emotional pain. I have learned that suicide is never the answer no matter what is happening and I am determined to never again consider suicide! It has taken a lot of seeking, of heartbreaking moments, thought and prayer to come to this conclusion in my life. Moments I pray sharing my story will help you to miss because they are horrible moments of struggle. I have now found a "new" normal for my life, different from life before illness and I think better than before.

God's plan for our lives is bigger than we are, it is beyond our scope of imagination, therefore walking by faith is a must to survive and live.

God Bless You On Your Journey Of Unseen Illness Laurie M. Gagne

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