Motorman the Invasion

During the night there were fierce gun battles and in the morning some ordinary citizens lay dead. Thousands of British troops poured into Creggan and the Bog Side supported by Chieftain tanks and tanks of many descrip- tions. Most people stayed indoors during the night but in the morning they ventured outside to see what was happening. All the shooting had died down and the soldiers were doing a house to house search for gunmen and weapons. No one could stop them as they were too many. But as the day wore on some resistance began, then would end, then begin somewhere else keeping the soldiers running ragged. Many of them fainted from either fear or the extreme heat, we had an unusually hot and sunny day that day.

{Personally I think it was fear that made them faint not the heat and the fact that they were carrying so much equip- ment and guns.}

I met two ladies later that day who informed me that their area in the Bog Side had already been searched and that they had left a car full of guns in the Creggan the night before and the Brits were getting ready to search that area where the car was parked. They asked would I go with them to the street but when we got there soldiers were lying on top of the parked car. The two ladies suggested that I stay and they would go and tell the soldiers that their car had been stolen last night and could they search the car in case there were any guns in it. And see what would happen. Putting on their best smiles and

Approaching the soldiers laying over the car, they told them their car had been stolen and could you nice young men check out the car for them as they would like it back before someone else took it. The soldiers willingly obliged and searched the car and told the two ladies that there was nothing in it and was ok to drive away. The two ladies smiling ever so sweetly thanked the young helpful soldiers got into the car, and turned on the engine. The engine failed to start after many turns of the key. They gave up wondering what to do, when in stepped an officer and smiling asked. • Having trouble getting starting ladies?• Forcibly smiling they nodded, their faces in pain as they tried hard to keep panic from showing, they flashed their teeth and one flashed a bit of knee for a moment as she adjusted her skirt. • You lot come over here.• He called to a group of six soldiers. • Hand your rifles over to those other soldiers and give these two ladies car a push.• So six soldiers pushed the car with the two ladies in it and still full of guns, to the end of the street and then the car started. Revving up the engine they called the officer over to thank him, and asked could he radio in that their car was searched and it was ok for them to drive it. They were afraid in case they would be shot at, as it has been reported stolen to the police the night before. The young officer happily obliged and the two ladies set off and were waved through every check point with the soldiers manning them smiling at them as they waved then through .

{Personally I think those soldiers were very nice people.}

Sharing a cigarette together

It was three in the morning and the whistles began blowing and the bin lids sounded out their warning, the Brits were trying another raid into Creggan and those manning the barricades sounded the first warning, which quickly spread all around Creggan calling men and women to battle. Hundreds of tired fighters made their way towards the intrusion asking each other where are they? [the Brits} and on being told they were in Broadway, they gathered their ammunition in their hands they bravely went to face their foe. At the same time some Official freedom fighters arrived in a liberated car and they got out carrying rifles some of them were dressed in camouflage uniforms just like British sol- diers. A few minutes later as they were getting get into position to begin shooting, the alarm went up. • They• re coming on up Broadway.• People scattered back up towards the Chapel at Fanad Drive, and up towards St Mary• s school. Eventually getting pushed back to Dunree Gardens, as the Brits continued their push forward meeting heavy resistance all the way, as the fighters threw everything at them, including, a kitchen sink. Up Fanad Drive they came stopping just short of Dunree Gardens and surrounded the building works of our new com- munity centre. In the meantime one of the Official freedom fighters had entered the back yard of one of the houses in Fanad Drive and

Began making his way towards Broadway. He was looking for a spot where he could shoot from and then make his escape. With his comrades covering his exit. But unfortunately the British Army came up Broadway then into Fanad Drive faster than he thought and he was trapped out the back of the houses. Fanad Drive, Broadway, Melmore gardens and Greenwalk made up a square with all the backyards facing towards each other. Our hero was well and truly sunk, surrounded on all side by Brits on the four streets he was even more in a panic to discover that the Brits were now entering the backyards from all sides making a search. He pressed himself in against a thick green hedge and hoped for the best. The soldiers were getting closer to him and the sweat was running down his face and legs. He nearly jumped out of his skin when one of them leaned back into the hedge beside him and asked him did he have a cigarette, he was gasping for a smoke. Thankfully our man was a smoker and he handed the soldier a cigarette and took one for himself, lighting them up.

Then the soldier proceeded to have a little chat with him, asking what part of England did he come from? Then telling our man in the hedge, where he came from. They had a lovely little chat until an officer shouted. • Right everyone out.• • Back to the pigs.• {No we don't have pigs in our back yards.} Pigs were the army• s name for their Saracen troop carrier they were withdrawing too. • Right I• ll see you later mate take care,• The friendly soldier said, • Good luck.• • You too mate,• replied our Official freedom fighter, as he

Pretended to make his way out towards his unit. But as soon as the soldier turned his back he sunk back into the hedge trying to make himself invisible again. A little while later some of the fighters came into the backyards to see if there were any Brits still there and seeing none, shouted. • All clear.•

Breathing a sigh of relief and shaking slightly {freedom fight-

ers don't shake much under pressure,— - • there too terri-

fied to move.• } our man came out of his hiding place and went out into the street where he was met by his fellow freedom fighters. Who had returned to search for him thinking he had been caught, knowing he had gone into the back yard just as the Brits made their charge up the street.

Walking with a strange kind of John Wane walk he gave his rifle over to his fellow freedom fighters and said. • he• ll walk home he needed the air.•

• What• s that smell?• someone asked. • Has someone stood in dog shit? Gas masks were hastily put on just in case it was a new type of Gas the Brits used.

{ Personally I didn• t think it was dog shit, because it had a stronger smell than C S Gas. }

Sweet lord will he never stop whistling?

In Central Drive a man was bought a new toy for Christmas by his loving wife. It was a football style referee whistle. This whistle had a very distinctive sound. It penetrated right into the very depth of a persons soul. A ringing of the ears always followed for hours after hearing that awesome sound, and the whistler was never afraid to blow it. Everyone in the surround- ing area knew when the whistler was on patrol by the sound of his distinctive whistle. And night after night they were awak- ened by the sound of the happy whistler alerting the people of the army• s advances into Creggan. There never was anyone quite so dedicated as the whistler because even after the army had left the area he would con- tinue to blow his whistle. The army hated him, and they weren• t alone.

During street battle after street battle the sound of the whistler could be heard even over the top of bombs exploding, and gunshots. Nothing could drown out that enthusiastic sound. Pheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Pheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

The sound was penetrating through armour plating and driving the poor soldiers inside insane. { some were reported to have

taken their own life because of the devastating noise of the whistle blowers whistle, but personally I didn't believe that. I think they would have rather shot him than them- selves.}.

He was dedicated. He even blew his whistle if he heard the

Army had invaded the Bog Side. And the Bog Side was able to fight their own battles except on some occasions when help was needed, then John and I would go to their aid.

On and on the happy whistler blew until he almost blew the pea out of the whistle. Battles were being fought and some started to notice that they were not as many volunteers appear- ing when the whistler blew for help, the crowds were diminish- ing with every battle. We were starting to get worried so some of the more religious of us went to church and prayed, asking God to intervene . Two days later the army arrived in unexpectedly, they had just been driven out after a particularly very long ferocious battle. But they returned within an hour catching everyone who was on the night shift battle, on the hop, having all gone to bed.

We were all too tired to get up again until the shout went up. • They• re raiding the whistlers house.• Hearing that I jumped out of bed and ran out into the street up to Central Drive. • Is it the whistler• s house.• I asked some people in the very large crowd who were gathering and sitting down on the grass verges watching.

• Aye it is. Ahhhh!• They replied.

The army were shaking in their boots there hadn• t been such a crowd of fighters since they didn't know when. And they were puzzled by the crowds strange behaviour they were terrified because they were used to being stoned.

{Personally I believe. They were stoned on many an occa- sion but not by fighters They smoked these little fags and had glazed looks on their faces.}

But on this occasion no one threw anything at them, and hundreds more were gathering making the soldiers more and more nervous. They probably thought everyone had a gun and were just about to start a massacre, the massacred being them. They were urging their officers to hurry up and get them the hell out of here this was too eerie. They didn't like this strange situation at all. Just then they brought the whistler out of his house his hands tied behind him his whistle hanging from his neck by a bright green cord. When the crowd seen him everyone rose to their feet.

This is it! thought the soldiers, were going to die! And some could be clearly seen praying because they got down on one knee and lifted their rifles to their shoulders and looked up towards heaven. rifles pointing at us casual like. The hurried him towards a waiting Pig and shoved him inside. And as the other soldiers rushed to get into their pigs the sound of a whistle blowing from inside the pig where the whistler could clearly be heard. It was that nightmarish sound of the whistlers whistle. He had gotten it into his mouth. One of the ladies who were standing at the back of the pigs shouted they were blowing the whistle into the whistlers ears, right up close to his ears . A huge roar went up from the crowd and the soldiers cocked their rifles and waited on the

Onslaught. But the roar became a cheer as they heard the whistle for themselves and knew it wasn't the whistler. You never saw such shock on soldiers faces before. Here they were expecting massacre and there was the crowd cheering them on . As the army moved out some thought it best if they threw a token stone or two and the sound of the odd stone hitting the pig where the whistler was prisoner in cheered him up somewhat.

Later on the whistler was released. But he was a changed man. The army confiscated his whistle after soldiers took it in turns to blow the whistle into his ears all day and night long. And he came out of custody a shaken and devastated man. A few weeks later he was spotted in the streets with a klaxon horn, a very loud noise machine indeed. Alerting the neigh- bours that the soldiers had invaded again. But he only blew the horn twice, and after that he was never seen on the streets again. Except when he was getting a prescription in the Creg- gan chemist. Someone said it was Prozac that he was collecting.

{Personally I think he had a terrible experience at the hands of the British army, some would say it was psycho- logical torture, but I personally say it was just them getting their own back, before some fighter done it.}

Fairy lights and fairy folk.

I remembered an incident that happened at the end of Dunree and Westway. One night about four o clock, in the wee hours as they say, between the lights. Between the lights is a time of seeing things you don't want to see .Like ghosts, fairy folk, or Saracen army pigs. Anyway a friend who was just a little bit intoxicated and I were patrolling the streets when we noticed coming up Westway towards us a row of army pigs. Just then a car full of freedom fighters arrived and we told them of the oncoming army advance. Quickly they took up defensive positions and shortly after they began shooting at the oncoming army stopping them in their tracts. I should have also pointed out that at the end of Dunree and Westway was a roundabout, which was formerly known as a fairy ring. A place where fairies were rumoured to live. My friend and I took refuge behind a wall as the freedom fighters engaged the enemy. A few minutes later the army returned fire and a gun battle raged. J****s My friend jumps up shouting. • Would you look at what the bas****s are doing, they• re shooting at the fairies and the poor we things are flying away scared.• • Get down you daft idiot,• I shouted at him over the noise of the shooting. • That• s tracer bullets they• re firing.• He had never seen tracer bullets before but I had seen the Brits firing them on the Lone Moor Road one night. And I knew that the little bright lights flying through the air weren• t fairy folk.

{Personally, on reflection I think maybe it could have been fairy• s, who knows? }

The undertakers revenge

Would you believe it, that the British army didn't respect even the dead during our war.

Paddy• s { we• ll call him that, as Irishmen are usually called Paddy by the English.} {It was also his real name but we wont disclose those details.} Job was an undertaker with a local undertaker firm of Nobel stature. Every few days Paddy and his fellow undertaker went to Altnagavin Hospital to collect the deceased of the parish• s and bring them over to the city side for the wake then the burial. Coming back from Altnagavin Morgue with the deceased, Paddy• s hearse was always stopped at the checkpoint on the upper deck of Craigavon Bridge, and the morbid soldiers would open the coffin and look in at the dead person and check the coffin for guns or explosives. This went on for months and months, and Paddy was fed up with this terrible behaviour, Especially the behaviour of one particular soldier who seemed to enjoy his work searching Paddy• s hearse and coffin. until one day Paddy had an idea. Borrowing a butcher friends bloody apron, Paddy also pro- cured the head of a local cloths shop dummy, a very realistic head I might add. He covered the head in blood and bits of bloody meat from the butchers counter, sticking it in the eyes and on the neck and ears. It was indeed a

Horrific sight. Wrapping the head in a white towel paddy went to Altnagavin Morgue to collect someone• s deceased. He hid the head and apron in a box in the hearse. He was usually never searched on his way to Altnagavin just on his way back to the Derry side. {the Catholic side}

Paddy spotted the same morbid soldier from way back in the traffic queue that had been stopped at this checkpoint, search- ing cars. So he donned his bloody butchers apron, and sat the bloodied dummies head on his lap and sat stone faced as the driver drove the hearse closer to the checkpoint. When the soldier spotted the hearse he grinned and waited patiently until Paddy• s driver reached him. • Pull over sir.• came his sneering squeaky voice. • Open the hearse and take out the coffin.• Didn• t I tell you that this is what the Brits always done with our coffins? Maybe not! Well anyway the driver got out and opened the back of the hearse, and the macabre soldier opened the lid and felt around inside the coffin, making sickly com- ments about the deceased as he done so. Leaving Paddy• s driver to screw the coffin nails back down again he came round the back of the hearse and approached Paddy• s door. Not having noticed the towel or bloody apron that Paddy had on he was so intent on giving Paddy the evil eye.

{ people who have been given the evil eye by soldiers will know what I mean, if you haven• t been given the evil eye, then your probably English, or someone foreign and wont

understand this part, but move on.} Well Paddy just looked

Back at him stony faced. And the evil eye giver reached down and opened Paddy• s passenger door, and it was only then when he looked down to open the door did he notice Paddy• s apron and the white and now bloodied towel.

• What• s that you have there?• He sneered. • Open it up he ordered.• Paddy obeyed his command and as he unwrapped the towel he revealed the bloodied head, with grizzly bits of flesh hanging from it. The evil eye giver took one look at the severed head and its bloodied features and promptly fainted. Paddy wrapped the head back up in the towel as other soldiers seeing evil eye faint rushed to his aid. Thinking Paddy had possibly shot him. Another soldier gun pointed at him, ordered Paddy to unwrap the towel in his lap and as Paddy done so he too fainted at the sight. An older soldier who was obviously seasoned looked on and saw the head and burst out laughing as he realised the trick Paddy had done. • Away you go sir.• He laughed.

Turning to some other soldiers standing looking on from a distance called them to come and lift the two soldiers inside the Sanger until they came round. Paddy and his driver drove off tears running down their eyes from laughter, hardly able to see where they were going. They drove into the Bog Side to safety. From that day onwards Paddy and his driver were never searched by the soldiers, and evil eye never went near them ever again, sending one of his mates over instead to check them out.

{Personally I think what Paddy done was terrible. That poor soldier, and the other one also, will probably have nightmares for years to come and will probably suffer symptoms like they did in the gulf war. • Golf war syn- drome,• I believe it was called. This was probably called • Paddy• s head syndrome,• and those soldier will need treatment for years to come, avoid- ing Halloween night like the plague.}

Giants Dwarves and Irish history.

In Ireland there are legends of Giants and fairy folk, and Dwarves. No! these are not the snow white kind of dwarves. But these stories are shared around the open fires of Irish homes with the little children, giving them a sense of Irish History, and of family life before T V and computer games were invented. One such tale has been told often in Derry City of a time set during the great war between the British Empire and the Bog Side freedom fighters of Derry City.

Picture in your mind the setting. It was a hot sunny day temperatures rising above one hundred and ten degrees. The sun was shinning unmercifully down on the Bog Side. Some brave freedom fighters stood braving the elements man- ning a vehicle checkpoint at the bottom of the flyover just past the Bog Side Inn. Where other freedom fighters had gathered on their day off from shooting practice, to quench their thirst.

!Stop right there!• Come on lets stop exaggerating. This story isn't being told to our children around the open fires in our homes. We now have oil fired central heating systems in our homes, most don't use fireplaces any more. The truth was it was pissing down as usual. It was summer and the rain was warmer than normal, letting everyone know summer had arrived. Now that• s better, Derry People will believe that, and so will our tourists. Anyway to get back to our story of Giants and dwarves and Irish history.

A bunch of the lads, {freedom fighters were called the lads

even though they• re were women involved also. This years later on changed to the RA, short for I R A.}

Sorry! IM moving away from the story again. Truth is IM trying to make it longer, because its only a short story. • Oh, oh• another subconscious little joke. • Little!• He, he, IM still at it. I apologise for these rude interruptions.

This fierce bunch of heavily masked and disguised freedom fighters were bravely manning a checkpoint on the flyover, when a vehicle was pulled in and the driver asked for his identity, his driving licence. • Hi Patrick.• Said the driver to one of the freedom fighters. Are you for the Bog Side Inn tonight? Patrick {not his real name of course.} responded very angrily asking. • How the f*** did you know it was me.• The driver of the car was shocked by Patrick• s outburst and tried hard not to laugh, and muttered that • He recognised Patrick• s voice.•

Driving away from the brave and fuming freedom fighter the driver went into the Bog Side Inn and began telling his story to a fascinated audience who erupted into howls of laughter as he described his ordeal with the freedom fighter, a local

• Dwarf.• {Personally I do not make fun of anyone with a disability, as I am disabled myself, and no mockery is intended to- wards Patrick.• }

And may I add Patrick has show his bravery on many occa- sions not letting his size prevent him from fighting. And this is a genuine fact. He is well respected in the Bog Side and by I.

Bombs in the boot.

During the bombing campaign the freedom fighters developed different kinds of bombs, using many different materials. Including fertiliser used on many a garden and on nearly every farm in Ireland. These were deadly and used to devastation. these were used daily in Ireland

{ Personally I never liked bombs.] Knowing that the RA were developing new type of weapons the army was put on special alert, searching for the common weed killer used in all our homes.

My father was a salesman and sold things to farmers including fertiliser of the kind the freedom fighters used. He was a stubborn man insisting on going about selling this stuff to farmers ignoring the risks involved.

On one occasion just after the RA had bombed a lot of places in Derry. My father got a call from a farmer to come and supply him with fertiliser. Taking two five gallon drums of liquid fertiliser out to his car he put it in the boot and closed the lid. Driving towards the waterside part of Derry he approached the bridge and went to the lower deck. As he approached the bridge the soldiers had a roadblock in place and were search- ing every car. Soon it was his turn and as he neared the soldiers one of them came over to him and asked for his licence, and asked would he open the boot and bonnet, as was normal search procedures.

Smiling at him the soldier commented on the good weather and my father being who he was and an avid Irish speaker answered the soldier in Irish, which didn't go down to well, but still he managed to smile at my father. And asked my father to lift the bonnet while he searched. • Ok sir.• He said. • Could you open the boot now for me please.• Still smiling he moved around to the back of the car where my father was raising the boot lid for him. On looking into the boot he saw the two five gallon drums of fertiliser sitting in the boot with a • danger• sign clearly written on it and the drums were resting on some speaker cables that my father used in his band. The soldier looked at the wires and fertiliser thought it was a bomb already primed, and then looking straight into my fathers eyes, a look of horror in his own eyes, that were pleading ,don't kill me. He very gently put the lid of the boot back down, his hands shaking, and ever so gently clicked it shut. He mopped his perspiring brow and said. • Ok sir away you go.• The poor fellow though that my father had a fully primed bomb in the boot of his car and thought because of his insisting in speaking in Irish to him that he was an Irish freedom fighter. Instead of arresting my father as he should have done he let him go in case he was a suicide bomber.

{personally knowing my own father. I had my doubts about what he was doing with fertiliser, no weeds grew in our garden}

Halloween a time of fun and laughter and idiots.

Halloween, in Derry City is a time of great fun and happiness. Today it is a festival season but back in the days of the great war it wasn• t always a fun time. On one such festive night. I was out with a few friends at a local pub having a drink. Lots of young people were dressed up and having a good time until the soldiers arrived and stopped some young kids and were about to arrest them for no reason that anyone could see.

Before long a crowd gathered and soon a battle began as the soldiers threw the two young people into the back of a jeep. Up and down the street the revealers fought with the enemy sometimes in hand to hand combat.

I of course took no part in this activity as I had a little Shandy taken, {beer and lemonade} and I never fight with lemonade in me. But as I watched the activities it suddenly dawned on me that at the front of the battle was the figure of Dracula with a petrol bomb in his hand and right beside him was a witch and a ghost.

Looking around me some more I seen fairy• s, Santa Clauses and roman soldiers throwing stones at the British soldiers, along with an array of other Halloween figures. It was an amazing sight to watch.

Soldiers and slingshots

At the heart of our war the British army introduced a sinister new weapon which they fired from the safety of their pigs. This was a deadly new weapon and you heard no sound when it was fired, like a gun with a silencer fitted. S B D. they were called by the people of Creggan since that day they were introduced by the superior British army with their sophisticated weaponry. {S B D -- Silent But Deadly.} The British army were reputed to have the worlds most ad- vanced weaponry available to them and boasted of this fact.

Listening devices that could hear through walls, phone tapping equipment, bugging devices, Self Loading Rifles or SLR as they were more commonly known. Ferret scout cars with machine guns sprouting from their turret, they have a speed of about 120 miles an hour. They had Saracen troop carriers, and giant Chieftain tanks. And of course different kinds of helicop- ter• s. Not forgetting tens of thousands of rounds of C S Gas. And sometimes Mustard gas. And I almost forgot rubber bullets with special implements inserted in them like razor blades and glass or sometimes substituted by flashlight batteries and later on plastic bullets. And now this deadly new superior weapon which they were just about to unleash upon an unsuspecting public. And they had spotted their first vic- tim• s and slowly drew closer to them. Like a tiger stalking its prey. Two young men were walk along Central drive when the shout went up. • There• s the Brits coming look out.•

Moving inside the railings at Creggan shops for safety, the two young men carried on walking towards the Telstar bar. They were on their way to have a few drinks and relax. Of course with the arrival of the army in two pigs, the young men were being cautious and keeping an eye on the approach- ing vehicles as they walked on. As the pigs neared them the young men moved nearer the shops themselves, and then they stopped outside Mc Keever• s shop waiting until the pigs would pass, or to dive into cover fast should anyone start shooting at the soldiers. They breathed a sigh of relief as the pigs slowly made their way past them. But then the back doors of the pigs flew open and both young men were shot at by these new weapons and both received direct hits. This new weaponry was deadly accurate

Grabbing his head one discovered that he had blood flowing from a head wound. He was feeling kind of groggy from the force of the impact of the missile that hit him. And staggered inside Mc Keever• s shop to safety. His friend also received a head wound but not as severe as his companion, a bump rose from that wound. Then he was struck by another two rounds fired at him hitting him on the leg and chest, staggering inside Mc Keever• s shop he grasped his friends outstretched hand and was pulled to safety away from the Brits attack, and the Brits slamming shut the doors of their pigs roared off cheering. Two young men from Creggan became the victim of this deadly new weapon and the soldiers who had fired the missiles at them were cheering and being cheered by their dodo brain mates. That night on the

Six –o –clock news the incident was reported by the news media. And the two wounded young men were shown at Altnagavin Hospital having treatment for their wounds.

The media made an announcement from the army press officer denying that they did not have any new secrete weapons and no such secrete weapon was used in Creggan by his soldiers, who were an elite fighting force equipped with all the modern equipment a soldier needed to fight this bloody war.

• No comment.• Was his reply when a reporter produced a photo someone had taken of the incident. A photo which showed soldiers leaning out of the back of their armoured pigs and firing slingshots.

{Personally speaking I believe they just copied us}

Frozen legs and fearless.

Thousands of soldiers invaded the upper Creggan and were being driven back out again via Central Drive and down past Dunree Gardens. For hours on end the battle raged petrol bombs, bricks and bottles and the occasional blast bomb were being thrown at the Brits, and they of course returning the compliments firing live rounds, rubber bullets and gas.

They came further down the street stopping at the entrance of Dunree Gardens, I and some others went through the back yards from central drive to Dunree back yards trying to get closer to the enemy. Coming out at the end house of Dunree Gardens, and peeking out, I realised that we were unnoticed by the Brits. • Right! fire!• I shouted to the people with me and we all fired at the same time letting fly with armfuls of bricks and bottles. A surprised group of soldiers seen us and began firing live rounds at us, and we beat a hasty retreat as they charged the spot where we took cover trying to catch us. We scattered in every direction most making their way further down Dunree via the backyard but I made my way up through a hole in a fence leading to Central Drive thinking that the soldiers were driven from that area.

Reaching the back of a house In Central Drive I made my way through to the front via a side entrance and I made my way up the steps leading to the street and safety. As I exited from the garden of the house and out through the

Front gate I stepped in between a convoy of Jeeps full of soldiers who had come to assist their comrades. Realising that I was about to get caught I threw what stones I had left in my hands at the soldiers still in the jeep and hit them causing them to fall out of their jeep just as they were prepar- ing to grab me. As they fell at my feet I very, very slowly began to make my way up the hill towards my poor wife who was standing with my mother in law at Swilly Gardens watching everything going on. When Rose seen me emerge through the gate of the house and between the high hedge she began screaming Run run. But I casually walked very slow and I could hear the crowd retreating as these new jeeps stopped, and some seen me emerge also and began shouting along with Rose run, run. But I had taken my share of John Wane tablets that day and so I walked very, very slowly away ,then thankfully just as some soldiers were running after me the crowd turned and made a charge at the pursuing soldiers and stoned them allowing me to get away. When I finally reached Rose she almost collapsed into my arms and said did I think it funny to just dally away from the soldiers. I then confessed that my seemingly bravery was not bravery at all but what happened was my legs froze when I stepped between the two jeeps and I just simply could not walk, my legs were like jelly.

{Personally speaking. If you have heard the story of my incredible bravery about this day please don't tell anyone the truth. I know many from that day on thought I was so brave and I wouldn• t like to shatter an illusion, not after all this time.}

We were Liberators

During the great war many new terminologies arose, like • freedom fighters,• • the lads,• the • RA,• and my favour- ite • liberated.• When first we became a no go area not too many young people could drive, but with the coming of • Free Derry,• many budding racing drivers arose from the ashes. Many new found talents as racing car drivers and stock car drivers could be seen screeching around road blocks and doing 90 mph, over central Drive, and other narrow short streets. These new found talents could be especially found among the freedom fighters. Adding to their talents of shooting on the shooting range, i.e. • Creggan and BogSide. And bomb making technology. All this added to the young men and women talents as these things were not taught in basic school lessons, but were ac- quired from liberating someone• s car. Preferably a sales representatives if possible, but any car would do. Some even acquired great skills learning to drive buses which would be sent to the area by the owner of Ulster - Bus to help our young people develop skills which some years later they were later taken on as Bus - drivers by Ulster - Bus. Or maybe he sent them to collect passengers, its that long ago I cant quite remember. I heard it said so often these are our buses and we• ll do what we damn well like with them. And after the buses wore out the were donated by Ulster - Bus as a possible barricade. And I tip my hat to our German Ulster Bus owner, who supplied almost his whole fleet.

Germany and Ireland always had a very special bond between them, especially around 1916 and on. And maybe that• s why the owner of Ulster Bus gave up so many for teaching driving skills, and later as barricades in Creggan and Bog Side. But that is not really what this story is about, I was just trying to give a background to our history of liberation.

While most young freedom fighters developed great driving skills, some learned great skills at liberating anything that they could as long as it belonged to someone else it was there for the taking., sorry, • liberating.•

One night after all the bars in Derry had closed for the day, and the bar staff had all gone home. A group of brave young men decided that they would enter a certain bar in the town, and liberate the till• s takings as they heard that a substantial amount of money was there in the bar waiting on some hero to liberate it. They said it was crying out for someone to come and take it out of its greedy hard working owners hands. So off they went in the dead of night, they succeeded in prising open a window at the back of the bar and all of them squeezed inside into the darkened bar. Quickly finding the money needing liberating, they were just about to leave when they heard voices calling. • Please liber- ate us.• • Please liberate us!• • Did you hear that?• The leader of the group asked his soon to be, merry men. • Yes we heard it too.• They replied. • I think it came from over

• Over there behind the bar.• One volunteered. • I• ll go and check it out.• • There are a lot of drink needing liberated.• he called out to the tired and thirsty men. • Shall we liberate them before we go, take some with us? • Good idea.• came the response. And they sat down for a little while and began to liberate the odd vodka bottle and poured out some draught beer as well.

Soon a little party was developing as they sat and discussed the many exciting happenings in their lives since liberation day first started. Noting that the stand in barman was doing very well at his new found job. Everything was an adventure a learning of new skills. • Pull me another one, your doing great.• the order came up. The new barman lifting himself off the floor proceeded to pour another round of drinks and coming round to join his mates sat tiredly down. • It was getting late nearly time to go before daylight.• One remarked. • Aye give is another vodka there will ye, before we go then.

Settling down into the comfort of the newly renovated bar they enjoyed the chatter, and one by one drifted off into a drunken sleep.

Next morning as the owner opened his bar he discovered a group of men fast asleep stretched out on his new comfy chairs. Within minutes the bar was surrounded by heavily armed soldiers and police, who decided that they needed to awake our

Tired liberators. They had plenty of time later on to rest. A few years rest they got, because the Judge saw that they were worn out with their war efforts and need a break.

{Personally I think drink should be liberated. Especially today as young people are held to ransom by bar prices.}

Learn the difference between vehicles.

After many years of war. You would think that everyone would be able to tell the difference between a car, or a Saracen or jeep. But it seems not but then maybe drink had an influence on this young mans story.

Yesterday I gave my friend John• s {sadly deceased} son a lift down town, and as I relayed my idea of telling short stories about the funnier side of war to him, he told me a story about his older brother.

This is what he shared with me. Jinks, not his real name or should I rephrase that, it wasn• t the one his mother named him, had a great nights drinking at the Beech Tree Bar with a few of his mates. After closing time Jinks and his mates made their way towards the barricades at the bottom of Broadway. Seeing no one manning the barricade that night they decided to stop and went to my mothers house 6 Broadway. They knew there would probably be someone there having a short break from manning the barricade as it was a very cold night. They also knew my mother stayed up nights to feed the hungry defenders. To give them tea to warm them up and so they could use the toilet or have a short rest. And looking out the side window they could still see the barricade just thirty feet away from mothers house. Jinks and the lads knocked on my mothers door and were welcomed inside by my mother and offered a cup of tea.

Inside they found a few of the barricade manners sipping tea daintily from my mothers chins mugs, and settling down to enjoyed a welcome cup of tea. Looking out the side window someone announced that there were lights from a vehicle coming up the old pensioners street. Jinks said. • I• ll go and check them out.•

{Now some information for those who didn't know. Those who manned the barricades at night never had any weapons of mass destruction or any kind of weapons, just a few stones or bottles and sometimes petrol bombs. And of course a bin lid or two. In Derry there were quite a lot of bin lids and still are.}

Stepping out side my mothers house closing the door behind him into the darkened street, Jinks bravely stepped out into the middle of the road and pulling on a mask he held up his hand demanding the approaching vehicle to halt. Blinded by the lights from the approaching vehicle Jinks tried shielding his eyes trying to get a look at the driver. The vehicle pulled up and Jinks demanded the driver to show him his driving licence. The driver told him he didn't have it with him but would this do. And he shoved a SLR rifle into Jinks face. Jinks was shocked to say the least he didn't expect the driver of this vehicle to have a rifle with him, and it was only when he heard the order given to, • grab him,• that it suddenly dawn on him that this was a British army jeep full of British soldiers invading Creggan. Beating a hasty retreat back to- wards my mothers house shouting. • It• s the f***ing Brits run.•

door. Jinks not wanting to draw the Brits notice to my mothers house ran towards our back gate which was set inside a ten foot high wall. Climbing up the gate and quickly pulling himself over the top of the wall, he promptly fell down the other side right into my mothers rubbish bin and in the process sprained both of his wrists. Hastily getting himself out of the bin he made his escape through the backyards of Broadway and made his way through them right up to Green - walk and safety. Poor Jinks never knew that the soldiers never followed him they were still sitting in their jeep killing themselves with laughter totally unable to follow they were doubled up with amusement.

{Personally, I think that drink and driving don't agree, especially if the driver is a soldier in a jeep and you are the one drinking.}

Answered prayer.

For years the British army tried everything it could to defeat the fighters of the Bog Side and the Creggan they introduced many new weapons and heavy machine guns rubber bullets, plastic bullets, batteries fired from rubber bullet guns. Gas by the millions of litres. Chieftain tanks the foremost fighting tank in the world. Tens of thousands of soldiers backed up by the UDR, Police and Police Reserve. All of this failed miserably to stop the daily battles taking place in the Bog Side, William street area.

When asked on I T V News one time. A top British army commander surprisingly answered in response to a question on how to stop this daily battle.

• I know that the fighters cannot be defeated by either live rounds, or tanks gas or troops, no matter how much is put at my disposal.• He continued. • They cannot be defeated by any of these means.• • In all my years here, the only thing that I have seen that will guarantee to stop these daily battles.• He paused a moment reflecting on his answer. And the reporter eagerly asked him wh at was it?

Taking a long drawn breath he looked right into the T V camera and answered. • Rain! • Rain!• said the shocked reporter, expecting an answer like some new weapon that they were going to introduce to the daily battle. • Yes Rain!• He responded with a far away look in his eyes. • It is the only thing that will guarantee a quiet day.• He continued . • In all my years here of active duty, I have finally come to the conclusion that the fighters cannot be defeated, but the only thing that will certainly stop them is rain glorious rain and really heavy rain at that.• • And I pray for that every day.• Later on that night, there was an announcement that the com- mander had resigned from his post. Truth was he was forcibly resigned. Yet he was the only one brave enough to tell the truth. When it rained rain stopped play, no fighting everyone stayed at home no fighter liked to get wet. Ask any one over thirty in Derry if this is the truth or not.

{Personally I believe that he is the cause of our terrible weather.. When God answered his prayer . He forgot to say. • Ok God war• s over, you can stop the rain everyday now.• }

Always make sure!

There• s a great spot where we could have a shot at the Brits a freedom fighter suggested. We would need to be there early in the morning as the target steps out from his bunker to have an early morning piss every morning as he finishes his shift. My friend said he would call for his comrade early the next morning and they would go and scout the area first making sure everything would be safe enough for them. Morning came and freedom fighter 1 arrived in a liberated mini car. Freedom fighter looked at the mini and asked was there not something better something with a bit more leg room, and something they could get of quickly should the need arise. Persuading his comrade they would be fine they ventured off to survey the area. Seeing that everything was ok they drove to the area where the shooting was to take place. Parking the car they proceeded through the side entry of a house and took up position behind a hedge overlooking the spot where the soldier took his daily morning piss. Aiming his gun at the lookout post comrade 2 waited patiently for quite a while. He could see someone inside the lookout post looking through a pair of binoculars, checking the area. Still waiting they heard the sound of a helicopter in the dis- tance and not wishing to be caught out by the approaching helicopter comrade 2 decided that he would have a go at the soldier as he again lifted his binoculars. Again the soldier lifted his binoculars and looked out. Taking aim comrade 2 aimed at the binoculars and waited just another moment until the wind died down a little. Then Bang! He fired. Immediately after firing the policy was

Get the hell away from there as fast as you can. So hiding the rifle up his coat, they made their way away from the area across the Loon Moor Road and up towards Creggan via the New Road. As they approached the army barracks stationed in the old Essex factory, the car began to splutter and ground to a halt outside the army front gate. They had run out of petrol. What a place to run out of petrol, panic was setting in as the car refused to start, and they seen soldiers peering out at them through the slots in their lookout posts. They couldn't just get out and walk away from the car as that would look suspicious and before they would get down the hill again they would be caught. Thankfully help was on hand as a soldier called out. • Are you having problems starting ?• They answered. • We• ve run out of petrol, would it be ok to leave the car here and go and get petrol? • Sorry mate you cant leave it here.• • But hold on a minute.• he called out. A minute later the front gate opened and soldiers emerged one of them holding in his hand a can of petrol. Cautiously ap- proaching them he said here• s some petrol it• ll get you to a garage. Our two comrades got out of the car thanking the soldier profoundly , they quickly poured the petrol into the petrol tank. And then they shook the soldiers hand who gave them the petrol and got back into the mini again and with a few turns it started again. Calling their appreciation to the soldiers and then turning the car around they roared off down the new road. Sweat pouring from every part of them. As they neared the bottom of the new road the could see soldier running after

Them, and heard them calling. • Stop.•

Obviously it had been radioed in about the shooting earlier and the soldiers twigged on who our two hero• s were.

Taking the corner at the bottom of the New Road on two wheels they screeched away down into the safety of the Bog Side and abandoned the mini up a back lane and made their way to a safe house. Two very relieved freedom fighters sank down into two chairs in the safe house, thanking God for their good luck. Say what you like about the Brits but I think they• re some very nice people among them

{Personally speaking, if your going to liberate a car make sure it is not a mini, and also make sure it has petrol in it before setting off on a adventure.}

Is it still there?

Following a telephone call from a long lost relative who was enquiring about her relatives and about the war and what was happening in Ireland. My nearest and dearest was chatting away quite merrily to her and when My relative in America asked her if there was any trouble at the moment. My nearest and dearest replied. • No its quiet these days.• Trying to reassure her that all was safe.• Then my relative asked. • Are there any hotels in Derry• Dearest replied. • No they have all been blown up.•

Then she talked about showing her new husband around Ire- land when they visited in a few months time, and asked about Port - rush and the Giants Causeway. A historical landmark of thousands of years and local tourist attraction for hundreds of years.

My dearest, holding the phone slightly away from her called into the living room where our kids were all gathered and asked. • Is the Giants Causeway still there?• Needless to say all our children and I fell about the floor laughing. And to this day and now in this book she has not been allowed to forget this.

{ Personally I still think the Giants Causeway is still there. Isn• t it?}

The wages of sin!

One time during the war there was a secrete ceasefire, that the freedom fighters members themselves didn't know about, only the top command knew. All weapons were handed in and those patrolling the barri- cades were issued with hurly sticks. To the anger of quite a lot of freedom fighters who had to endure nightly attacks from enemies carrying guns. Some of the freedom fighters decided to break away from the main body of freedom fighters and form an loose alliance with another group of freedom fighters the officials.

Having just a few weapons of their own they were approached by someone who offered them the chance of liberating the works wages of the company they worked for. A secrete deal was done so the new freedom fighters would acquire finances and they also had a supplier to supply them with weapons lined up as soon as they got enough money. So the robbery was planned for the next week.

Next week as planned the robbery began with some freedom fighters entering the works office area. A girl spotted them approaching wearing masks and carrying guns and as they tried to gain entry they discovered that the door was locked. The girl seeing their dilemma knocked on the window, and pointed to another door further down, and smiled. Lovely Girl, thought one of the robbers and reached for the handle of the door and it opened. Inside they were confused as to where the office where the money was kept and spotting the

Smiling girl they made their way towards her. She stepped back inside her office and as the freedom fighters followed her they saw on the desk a pile of wage packets. Brandishing their guns they ordered the office staff including the smiling girl to step back, and they reached for the wages packets, putting them into their pockets. They noticed that the smiling girl was winking at them and nodding her head sideways, towards another office, and thinking there was someone else in that office that they needed to avoid, they left the office where the smiling girl was. The girl followed them a little bit then standing in the doorway still smiling and winking her eye, kept nodding towards the other office. Baffled by her strange performance the brave lads left, and as they left they saw that the smiling girl was no longer smiling but scowling at them mouthing the words D**k H***s.

Making their escape the headed for the prearranged safe house where they would check out the stolen wage packets. To their horror they discovered that the wage packets they had stolen belonged to some very major important people belonging to the freedom fighters of the RA. As they opened each wage packet they seen the everyone was a top RA man who were working for this company.

They had robbed the RA a very dangerous thing to do. I wont give details about what happened later but suffice to say the wages were handed back and a caution given to the freedom fighters who liberated those wage packets.

Later on that week a meeting took place between the man

Had offered the wage robbery. And at that meeting it was disclosed that the smiling girl was a part of the setup and she was winking at the dodo brains, trying to let them know that the wages that were supposed to be robbed, were in the other office across the hall separate from the RA• s wages. But our hero• s never realised this and the girl couldn• t speak or she would give herself away. Later on our ragged bunch rejoined their former colleges and were given their weapons back to patrol the Creggan once again as the ceasefire was now over again and we were back to war.

{ Personally I never knew that freedom fighters had Jobs never mind jobs where they earned wages in. And a lesson to be learned here is. If ever you go to commit a robbery make sure it doesn't involve the RA• s wages, otherwise it could have serious consequences.}

Lessons to be learned.

This is not really a funny story but it happened funnily enough.

• Ok class, everyone get out your homework books and open them at last nights homework page so that I can check them.• Said the school teacher to his pupils.

As the teacher checked the classes homework one young man had not done any work and the teacher decided he needs to be punished so he takes him out to the front of the class and proceeds to give him five. {Five slaps on the hand with a leather strap, not a high five, as you may be thinking.} The young boy was very angry about this and told the teacher he would get his own back on him.

Next morning the teacher was getting his class ready for a mock exam when in arrived the pupil whom he had punished yesterday. He look• s more stockier than usual thought the teacher, and he told him to go and sit down, Suddenly the boy opened his coat and produced a Thompson Sub Machine gun from under his coat and tried to lift it upwards and point it at the teacher. IM going to shoot you ,you b*****d You• ll not slap me ever again. Thankfully he couldn• t raise the weapon, as it must weigh about forty pounds. Then the teacher getting over his shock wrestled with him and finally overcame him and took the weapon off him, and took him to the head and sent for his family. Apparently his older brother was a member of the freedom

Fighters and had hidden the gun under the bed but the nosey kid had spotted him do this and investigated, then took the Submachine Gun to school behind his brothers back.

The brother arrived and took away the Thompson Sub Ma- chine gun to a better hiding place well away from his kid brother.

{Personally speaking I believe you should not leave Ma- chine guns laying under your bed as that• s a placed re- served for the bogey man.}

At the height of our{ troubles} War doctors noted with great interest that the mental home in Derry was almost empty. On reflection they come to the conclusion that it was because of the closeness of the community neighbour sharing with neigh- bour, going out and in of each others homes sharing the latest news. After the war it filled up again.

{Personally I think we need another war so people will find friendship And empty the mental homes again.}