The Care Zine

ThiszinewascompiledonuncededGadigalCountry.This beautifulland,thewaterways,andtheskieshavebeentakencare ofsincetimeimmemorialbytheGadigalandWangalpeoplesof theEoraNation.ThisalwayswasandalwayswillbeAboriginal land.

Ipaymyrespecttoelderspast,present,andemergingofthe CountryonwhichIandallthecontributorsofthiszinehave caredandcrafted.IextendthatrespecttoalltheFirstNations readersofthiszine.

Contributors

AlexGrecoFlorence@feelingsr4feelingsonInstagram

AmyBuchwald@theadventuresofmilliebonInstagram

AmyClaireMills@amy claire millsonInstagramandTikTok

BenjyKatzeff

EB

EdenBrendereden.brender@outlook.com

EllieBortzbortzjnr@gmail.com

EmilyGamaroff@emzygamaonInstagram

GaryBortz

JaimieLiebowitz@meshgremlinonInstagram

JessFriedman@jessfriedman artonInstagram

JessHarrison@jess.hrsnonInstagram

JessSand@jess.sand23onInstagram

JordanWerner-Hall@jordzwhonInstagram

KiaraSchonberger@kiara.ccaonInstagram

LiliOcchiuto@okuesha killsonInstagram

LisaB

LizHerman LucyGamaroff

MadiLunz@babbleswithbestiesonInstagramandSpotify

MichaelaRodrigues@sky13hogwartsonWattpad

MillieSinclair@milliesinclaironInstagram

Minh@minhtinhle onInstagram

MirandaJayne@miranda.almightyonInstagram

NinaBen-Menashe@nina.bonInstagram

OndineForder-Simpson@schmondineonInstagram

RenéeMalham@reneessance dreamingonInstagram

SalJanks

SamBuchwald@sam.buchwaldonInstagram

TamaraReichman@tamara 1997(4underscores)on Instagram

TessPearson@tess.pearson.writesonInstagram

Quilting, Craft, Connection

Womenthroughages, throughquiltingandcraft, connected,bonded, criedandlaughed. Nowcraftingandcaring; yourknittingandsharing; yourbraveryanddaring; andsoulwhichyou ’ rebaring….

Youtakeyourplacenow inthiscircleoftrust Creatingtogether, whereallisdiscussed. You’reoneofusnow: thewomenofages; theloving;thecaring; thefun,andthesages.

Youtakeyourplacenow withfam’ly,presentandpast whosespirityoushare; whosejointwisdomisvast.And each,likeapatchonaquilt, hasastorytotell sewntogetherwiththreads, likeamagicalspell.

Ev’rypatchisunique; adistinctworkofart; Upliftsandinspires; withmuchtoimpart. Boundtogether,suchbeauty andstrengthweallshare. Eachpatchfitsinperfect Andthisisyoursquare.

WrittenbyLisaB

QuiltmadebyLisaBandBarbiN

Some things I have learnt ab community this year

Althoughthiszinewillbereleased weeksafterweare‘released’from lockdown,whenIRLspacesmaybe navigatedagain,thisprojectbeganin

submissionsmadeinisolationbythose whowantedtoconnectandshare,was inspiredbytheprocessofmakinga personalzinecalledStitching Together,StitchingApartinearly October.Thiszine(excerptabove) wasaboutmypersonalrelationshipto craft,identityandcommunity.It mademeconsiderhowthese experiencescouldbefosteredin lockdown.

FromyourcontributionsIfoundthat fivemainthemesarose:Self-reflections, dailyritualsandpersonalcare [Journal];Personalandcommunity carethroughcrafting[CraftCare]; Takingnoteandbeingpresent[Body andMind];Newritualsofmovement, communicationandflow[Lockdown Lessons];andYou,meandus [Interconnectedness].

PART 1

JOURNAL

SELF REFLECTIONS, DAILY RITUALS AND PERSONAL CARE

one big stew

latelyitseems likelifeisonebigstew simmering andcooking andexpanding andwaiting

iboilmyselfinmybathtubeverynight andtrytoabsorbthewordsfromthestackofdampbooks thatgetdampereachday

irinsemyselfoffandemerge,lefttocoolanddrain onporcelainandglassandmetal istewinmybed hotwithboredomdreams smotheredinhome

mywetnessrubbedoutfrommebymylittlezapmachine ploppeddowntomethroughthealgorithmads a50%offsaleinhonourofthebigstew it’safeatitdoesn’telectrocuteme

itrytomakesoupinthekitchen whilestewinginwhatevertheculturalstewhasdecidedtofeedme soakinginalbumsi’mnotsurethatilike andtvshowstoodilute,slidingoffmybloatedbrain

iputmyselftoroastinthefrostysun, fixatingonweekoldnewspapers saturatedwithexpiredstories coatingmygutswithoats asmushyasthesehours

andthenthere’syou

whobringsmetoasimmer andsometimestoaboil occasionallyattheendoftheday sometimesinthemorning freshlyrisen

andintheafternoons inthesestrangestewtimes ourslowcookertendernesssteaming fromdustysunlitpatches thingsusedtofeelsoraw andfresh atleastwecantry toevaporatetheexcess andgetengorgedwithflavour forthedaythestewends we’llberipeandready.

WrittenbyTamaraReichman

Crohn's, covid and care Livingwithaninvisiblechronicillness

Itwasn’tuntiltwoyearsago,thestartofthepandemic,thatpeoplereallybegan talkingaboutandbeingconsciousofpeoplewhoareimmunocompromisedand howthisimpactspeople'sliveseveryday.ButIalwaysknew.Being23andliving withaninvisiblechronicillnessisn’tsomethingyoucanreallyputintowords. Youwanttoshouttotheworldthatyou’resick,butyoualsodon’twantthe worldtoseeyouassomeonewhoissick.It’shardtoexplaintoyourselfletalone tothosearoundyou.Thatwasuntil2020whentheworldtookadramaticshift. Suddenly, society became vividly aware of the real cost of living with an “underlyingchronicillness.”

At the age of 16, I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. A debilitating inflammatory bowel disease that currently has no known cause or cure. Treatments include steroids, biologics, immunomodulators, and surgery, amongothers.Throughmy7yearsoflivingwiththisillness,I’vebeenthrough quiteafewofthesetreatments.However,youwouldn’tbeabletotelljustby lookingatme.Societyexpectsmetobeahealthyindividualwithawealthof opportunitiesaheadofmebecauseIdon'tlooksick.Thismentalitythatyou haveto'looksick'tobesickfailstorecogniseallthatI’vehadtoundergo-

mentally and physically. I don’t look sick but I do live with chronic illness. And it wasn’t until Covid-19 that societyandmypeersreallyunderstood thisconcept.

These past two years we have seen peoplespeakoutaboutprotectingthose more vulnerable members of societythe immunocompromised. This refers to individuals who have a weakened immune system and are more susceptibletocatchingvirusesandhave amoredifficulttimeovercomingthem. This means that these people get sick moreeasilyandstaysickforlongerthan the average person. It’s not as if these conditions are new. It’s just that now peoplearestartingtounderstand.

These past two years, whilst extremely difficultonmyself,myfriends,andall members of society across the globe, I havealsoseenagrowingconnectedness andcareforothers.Inolongerfeelthe needtoexplainmyselfwhenIneedto step back and take care of myself. Peoplejustseemto‘getit.’

WrittenbyKiaraSchonberger

No self care without health care- some stories and reflections

Ireallystrugglewithalotofthepublicconversationaroundself careandmydrawing‘noselfcarewithouthealthcare’isbornoutof thisfrustration.Whenwetalkaboutselfcare,mostofthetimewe meanasortofbehaviourorroutinethatanindividualpicksupto helpsupportourwellbeing.Istrugglewiththisbecausewhenwe equateselfcaretogoingforajog,takingabubblebath,takinga nap,oreatingsomefruit,weareputtingalltheonusonthe individualtomakethemselvesfeelbetter.Weignorethebigger systemsatplaythatcreatethepressureswefacedaytoday,the pressuresthathaveanegativeimpactonourhealthandwellbeingthereasonweneedtodo‘selfcare’inthefirstplace.I’mworried thatwhatweunderstandasselfcarehasbecomesomethingvery neoliberal-obscuringbroadersystemsatplaytoplacethe onus/blameontheindividualratherthanthepolicieswhichaffect us.

I’vegottentothepointwhereIactuallygetreallyangrywhen peopletellmewhatIshouldbedoingformy‘selfcare’.WhenIwas 16IwasdiagnosedwithPCOS(polycysticovariansyndrome)and myGPatthetimetoldmeIshouldpickupjoggingandheaskedifI consideredlosing20%ofmybodyweight.WhenIwas20-ishIwas seeingapsychologistforthefirsttime.Shesuggestedthat,to managemypanicattacks,Icouldgobuyamindfulnesscolouring book,takeupyoga,andlearnsomebreathingexercises.Needlessto

sayit’stakenmealongtimetorebuildmytrustinmentalhealth andhealthprofessionalsafterbeingtoldbullshitlikethis.With moreandmoreyoungpeoplepushedintocasual,unsafeand insecurejobs,lessandlessofushaveaccesstoactualrest.I’mnow inajobwhereIhaveaccesstopaidsickleaveforthefirsttimeinmy workinglifeandI’msogratefulthatIhavethesupporttotaketime offfromworkwhenI’mstrugglingwithmydepression.WhenI wasacasualIwouldoftenstillgotoworkwhenIwasreallyunwellsometimeshavingpanicattacksaftermultipleshiftsaweek. Remember,ourworkshouldenhanceourwellbeing,notdestroyit.

So,whatsortof‘selfcare’wouldbeACTUALLYhelpfulformy healthandwellbeing?Itwouldbeformyantidepressantstobe subsidised,forustofundresearchintowomen’sandqueerhealth, forpaidculturalleavetobeavailableforallworkers(notjustfor Christianpeoplewhosesignificantholidaysarealreadypublic holidays),forMedicaretosubsidisemorethan10sessionswitha psychologist-andforthistobeofferedtoeveryonenomatteryour visaorcitizenshipstatus.Nomattertheamountof‘selfcare’Ido,I won’tbewellwithouthealthcare.Weneedtodemandhealthcare systemsandworkplacestobejust,accessibleandcommittedto decolonising.Ireallyencourageeveryonereadingthistorepoliticisehowwethinkaboutselfcare.

ArtworkandwritingbyJessHarrison

PART 2

CRAFT CARE

PERSONAL AND COMMUNITY CARE THROUGH CRAFTING

Right:AmyClaireMills,BurdenofProof,2021,cotton,polyester,denim,interfacing,fauxfur,tulle,thread,tinsel,wool& polyesterbatting,190x180cm,installationview,NoShow,Carriageworks,Warrang/Sydney.Photo:AmyClaireMills

Below:AmyClaireMills,CureCushions,2021,cotton,polyester,silk,organza,taffeta,tulle,georgette,brocade,lamé, interfacing,sequins,thread,polyesterwadding,metalhooksdimensionsvariable,collectionof45cushions.60%ofthis artworkismadefromreuseandrecycledmaterials,UnsolicitedAdvice!,Firstdraft,Warrang/SydneyPhoto:ZanWimberley

S O F T S P A C E S A M Y C L A I R E M I L L S

Makingquiltsdoesn'tcomenaturallytome,it'salwaysaslowprocessof learning,tryingandfailing.WhenIstartedtoexplorequiltingitwasbecauseI feltastrongpulltomakeencodedsoftsculptures,objectsofcomfort,warmth andlove,objectsthatIassociatewithmydisabilityexperience.Mypracticeismy formofprotest,defianceanddisobedience,it'saglitteryslapintheface, challengingsocietytodismantleableism.

AmyClaireMillsisWarrang/Sydney-basedemergingartistlivingandworking onuncededGadigalandWangalland.Herartpracticeexploresidentityand self-preservationthroughimmersivetextileinstallationsandperformance,by whichshebecomesboththeartistandsubject.Herpracticecritiquesand examinesthepoliticssurroundingthedisabledbody,disruptingthesociallyconstructedideaofdisability.Usingdistinctive,colourfulandboldmediums herworkencouragestheobservertochallengetheirownparadigmsand internalisedpreconceivedbias,withtheintentionofdeconstructingableism.

Above:AmyClaireMills,HaveYouTried?,2021,cotton,polyester,silk,organza,taffeta,interfacing,glitter,sequins,thread, wool&polyesterbatting,300×250cm,90%ofthisartworkismadefromreuseandrecycledmaterials,installationview, UnsolicitedAdvice!,Firstdraft,Warrang/SydneyPhoto:ZanWimberley

Left:AmyClaireMills,Attitude,2021,cotton,polyester,velvet,interfacing,sequins,glitter,thread,tinsel,wool&polyester batting170cm×152cm,90%ofthisartworkismadefromreuseandrecycledmaterials,installationview,Unsolicited Advice!,Firstdraft,Warrang/Sydney.Photo:ZanWimberley

Classroom Musings: Daydreams Behind the Screen

As I sit here staring at the screen

I imagine you and I

Surrounded by seals

My legs turn into a mermaid’s tail

Your legs turn into a merman’s tail and we swim together on the backs of the seals

And we both sing in a foreign language unknown to any English speaking folk

Sometimes I daydream

You and I lying naked in a field with flowers surrounding us

Tiny fairies perched within the petals

Singing and making sweet music while we embrace each other

Alas, if only I had the courage to dm you a d&m about my inner thoughts

But I can only see your initials on the screen

And you can only see mine

We swim in and out of our conversations

During class breaks I listen to Gaelic love songs

Siúil, siúil, siúil a rún

Siúil go sochair agus siúil go ciúin

Siúil go doras agus éalaigh liom

Is go dté tú mo mhúirnín slán

Come away with me my love, come quickly, come quietly Into my dm’s.

Before I could speak I was listening to music. Ever since I was in the womb. My dad had a mix tape of music before and after my birth. I always appreciated music. Even when I was upset or scared, I still listened to music in my head. I used to sing karaoke in the car, driving to and from my grandparents’ house when they used to live in Fairfield. Now they live with me in the spare granny flat out the back of my house. Granny flat, get it? Anyway, I find listening to music gives me comfort, and gives me inspiration to write beautiful stories. Even if the stories don’t make sense with the music I’m listening to, they still give me inspiration to write. There’s something about music and writing that goes hand in hand. I don’t know what to call it. The freedom to interpret sound and tone and lyrics, I find it brings comfort and joy when I’m feeling sad and lonely and isolated from the rest of the world.

Written by Michaela Rodrigues

Artwork and recipe from Lili Occhiuto

A Car Named Kevin

WrittenbyEdenBrender

IllustratedbyEllieBortz

Mycar’snameisKevin-It'sa20101KDFTVToyotaHiluxute.It’snamedafter 1990s champion wrestler Kevin Nash, aka Big Sexy. When the World ChampionshipWrestling(WCW)signedanexclusivecontractwithKevinNashin 1996theythoughttheyhadgotanamazingdeal-KevinNash,inhisday,could putonashowlikefewothers.Buthewasabiglumberingsortofdudeandwhat WCWdidn’tknowatthetimewasthatyearsofsubstanceabuseandhardliving whiletouringmeantthathewasunreliableandneededfrequentsurgery,rehaband timeaway.Putsimply,hewaspasthisprime.WCWhadmadeamistake.

MyKevinisabitlikethat.Iboughtitearlylastyearwith248,000kmsontheclock. I thought I had a great deal. I was wrong. There were immediate and ongoing problems,theworstofwhichwasthateverysooftenKevinwouldjustplainrefuse togoabove30kmperhour.Ilaterlearntthiswascalled‘limpmode’,butatthe time I just called it ‘Aw, what the fuck, not again’. Each time this happened, I dutifully rolled Kevin into Sydney City Toyota’s maintenance department and over the next 6 months they sold me $9,000 worth of repairs. Some things did improve,buttheintermittentlimpmoderemained.Ikeptgoingback.Everytime. WhatelsecouldIdo?Kevinneededhelp,helpthatIcouldn’tprovide.

MostlybecauseKevinwassendingmebroke,Istartedlearningaboutcars.Blind googlingatfirst:“Screechingsoundcar”,then,narrowingin:“screechingsound carrear ”,then“screechingsoundcarrearwhenbraking”.Idecidedfromthisthat Kevin needed new rear brake pads. I triumphantly told this to the mechanic at Toyota,whoinformedmepolitelythatKevindidn’thaveanyrearbrakepads.But I got better at it. Youtube, maintenance manuals and parts diagrams were incrediblyhelpful.Eventually,Igotprettygoodatdiagnosingsoundsandfeelings. Then,Istartedtopre-emptproblems,andmakesmallrepairsmyselfwhereIcould - installing a reversing camera (after I reversed into a telegraph pole), a new headlight, replacing the V-belt, replacing a broken speaker. With each repair I learntnewthings,technicalandconceptual.

Afterowningthecarforayear,IhadbuiltuptheskillstorealisethatKevin’sair intakewascloggedupwithyearsofdirtydieselsootandoil.Iwasable(withthe

helpofFourBy4Diesel’syoutubechannel)totakeaparttheairintake,havethe partsultrasonicallycleaned,andputitallbacktogether.Thatwasareallygood feeling: no more limp mode, I’d saved about $600, and I’d learnt the most importantlesson.Thingsthatcanbefixedaregoodthings.

Thereareafewtiersofthefixabilityspectrum.Theworsttieris‘cannotbefixed byanyone,designedtobreakimmediately’.Thingsinthiscategoryareanything yougetinashowbagattheeastershow,orakmartvacuumcleaner(theplastic seals that keep it sucking properly perish quickly, and no replacements are available).Thebesttieris‘canbefixedwithminimalknowledge,designedtolast for a long time’. A thing in the best tier is a bicycle (parts that wear out are designed to be easily interchangeable, and most bikes only require very basic tools).Itisinyourinteresttoseekoutobjectsclosertothebesttier,because fixingthingsisgoodforyou,goodforyourfriends,andgoodfortheworld.

Fixing things is a grounding experience. I find that repairing something is engrossingtothepointthatotherproblemsdissolvetemporarilywhileIfocus onthethingsinfrontofme,thethingthatneedsmyhelp.Italsogroundsme becauseit’shumbling.Thethingyou’retryingtofixdoesn’tcareifyou’vegota degreeoracushyjoboralotoffollowers.Eventhoughyoumightbethemain characterinyourworld,whenyou’retryingtofixthingsyourealisethatsomeof thosesidecharacters-theoneswhofixyourphone,yourlaptop,yourcar,your clothes-theyknowalotmorethanyoudo.Havingadeeperunderstandingof theobjectsthatsurroundyouconnectsyoutoyourreality.

Itcanbedauntingtotryandfixsomething-youwilllikelyspendmoretime thanifyoutookittoarepairshop,andifyoumakeamistakeitmightevenend upmoreexpensive,especiallyifyouenduptakingittotherepairshopanyway. Butyouwillfeelbetteraboutyourrepairthananyoneelse’s,andbetterabout yourselfthanbeforeyoustarted.You’llhavelearntnewtechnicalandproblem solving skills, and you’ll get that sweet dopamine hit when you progress or succeed.You’llalsobemoreautonomous-nolongerwillyoubebeholdento therepairpersongods.Thatisapositivekindofpowertrip.

Fixing things has broader implications, too - It’s a good way to help your community.Ifyou’veeveraskedforhelpfixingsomethingbefore,Ithinkit’s yourobligationtopayitforwardbylearninghowtofixsomething,soyoucan helpsomeoneelse.Fixingthingsisgoodfortheworldaswell:thereisalotof stuffinlandfillthatcouldhavebeenrepairediftheownerknewhow.Thereis even more stuff in there that was never built to be repaired. Vote with your dollarsand-wherepossible-don’tbuythatshit.

Itdoesn’thavetobeacar-butnexttimesomethingyouownbreaks,consider whatwouldbeinvolvedinfixingit-googleit,searchitonyoutube,justthink aboutit.Startwithachievableobjectsandworkupfromthere-agreatplaceto startiscleaningoutyourcomputer’sfan.

KevinNash-mycar’snamesakewrestler-eventuallygotcleanandhealthy,and hadasuccessfulreturntowrestlingin2011.HealsolandedaroleinMagicMike XXL in 2015, and was inducted into the hall of fame after his retirement in 2020.

MyKevinisstillrolling.It’scertainlypastitsprimebutit’snotdeadyet,andits maintenancecostsaremuchsmallernowthatIknowwhatI’mdoingabit.Of course,it’sonlyonemajorproblemawayfromthescrapyard,butevenwhen that happens I’ll have learnt a lot from Kevin. I’ll have learnt some technical thingsabouthowcarswork,andI’llhavelearntthatmostthingsthatcan’tbe fixedaren’tworthbuying.

FixingKevinhaschangedmyworldview.I’mno longerapassiveconsumerofproducts-instead, Icanbeastewardoftheobjectsinmylife.John Williamsonsaidofthecountryweliveon:“her healthismyresponsibility,andherfruitswillbe mineonlyinreturnformycaring”.Ithinkthat this attitude of responsibility and care should apply to all our relationships - including those withobjects.

Kevin Nash

Thedreamcatcherandboardweremadewhilereflectingonthe needtostayconnectedtoself,andmyjourneybacktome.

ArtworksbyRenéeMalham

PART 3

BODY ANDMIND

TAKING NOTE AND BEING PRESENT

Cortisolisasteroidhormoneproducedbythebody’sadrenalglandstoinducea feelingofadrenaline.Forsome,it’susedinfightorflightscenarios,forothersit appears when you have an upcoming exam; but for me - it’s constant. But I guess the first stage of any addiction is admittance, so here is my public declarationofmyaddictiontocortisol.

AllmylifeIhavebeenahard workerandanoverachieverthishasultimatelyledmeintoa lifeinthecorporatelawworld, where12hourdaysarethe normand16hourdaysareseen as “just part of the job”. This lifestyle has many benefits including a sense of achievement,careerprogression,andofcourse,money.Butitalsocomesata greatcosttomymentalandphysicalhealth.Soisitallworthit?Fornowitis worthit.Butmaybethat’sjustthecortisoltalking.Eitherway,Icertainlywon't beabletodothisforever;andasafutureleaderinmyfield,Iwillseektobepart

WrittenbyEmilyGamaroff IllustratedbyLucyGamaroff

seejuniorlawyerssubjectto thesameharshworking conditionsIendureevery day.

Falling Out

Iputmyhandthroughmychesttograbontomyheart,andmy hand slips throughanemptyspace: darkandmisty; andhitsmybrittlespine, whichcracksandsplinters. Ishouldhaveknown.

IthinkmyheartfelloutlasttimeItriedtogooutside.

Corps/Corpse

Mybodyisanoven: bakinginthemuck thatpooledundermyheart andfiltereditselfthroughmyblood.

DriedtearsandstaleMaccasfriesdecomposeinmybelly: Iamstingingandrawandthirsty.

Theblood’sdriedup-myorgansarehotandcakedinfilth anddriedmaggots.

Ifillawateringcanandemptyitintomythroat.

Willthewaterwakethemaggotstofilltheirbellieswithmy rot?

Orwillitwashawaythemuckandleavemebreathingagain and exposed?

BlooddribblesdownmythroateverytimeItrytocallout.

Laundry Day

Mybreastsarepeggedtothewashing line.

Theeveningbreezerocksthem,likea motherlullingherbabytosleep. Theyhavealwaysfeltlikemine; butlatelyeverythinginmycupboard seemstocrawlintoaplaceIcan’t find.

Mybodytoldmeyesterdaysheneeds somespace: awayfromme.

Ineedacleansingtidetocarrymy partsaway, buttoday,thelaundrysinkwilljust havetodo.

Mybreastsflewfrommychest: exodus.

Iscrubbedatthemwithsteelwool andbleach

untilinkyfeelingsandunwelcome fingerprints fellfromthem sothesinkcouldslurpthemuplikea milkshake.

Somybreastshangherenow: rinsedandwrungoutandwaking again, redwaterdrippingintotheveggie patchbelow.

Abeelandsonmynipple,and embedsherstinger deepinsidemyareola. Thebeefallsontothegrass shequiversquietly:knowing. Iclimbthroughthewindow Istomponher Ihearathankyouandthennothing atall. Iunpegmybreasts. Iholdthemagainstme, Ifeeltheopenfleshreachingaround mychest: healing.

Iclimbthelemontree,andher brancheswraparoundmelikearms.

Written by Sal Janks

Sensory Overload & Wellness

WrittenbyJessSand

Beforetheyearof2021,anxietywasnotsomethingIfeltwithinmy physical form. It wasn’t until I started and then ceased using hormonal contraception that I started to experience sensory overload.

There’salottounpackherebutIwanttoprefacebysayingthatI am only one voice. Especially for women and those who take hormonal contraception, there is very little dialogue that bridges our gap in knowledge on psychological symptoms and physical discomfort.Ionlywanttocontributetotheconversation.

Sensoryoverloadisaprocessbywhichoneormoreofyoursenses becomeshyper-aroused,oftencatalysedbyanxietyand/orintrusive thoughts.Theuseofhormonalcontraceptionchangedmylifein waysIneverexpected.Unlikeinthepast,whenIbecameanxious,I would get heart palpitations, rushing pressure through my arms and legs, dizziness, intrusive thoughts, obsessive thinking and behavioursandnausea.Mybodyormindcouldn’tseemtocope withdoingtheonethingIneededittodo-survive.

I felt very alone because even though my family, friends and partnerheldmyhandthroughitall,noonewasabletotakethe painoffmyshouldersorfeelitonmybehalf.Ididn’tfeellikemy doctorwarnedmeofthispossibility,norcouldIfindmanyarticles onlinethatgavemyexperiencesavocabularythatwouldallowme tofeelnormal.Ididn’tknowwhattodotorelieveallthesepainsas Iwasstillexperiencingthemmyselfforthefirsttime.Iwouldwake upwitharacingheartandnauseaandbeingaloneinmythoughts wasmypersonalhell.IcouldonlyfallasleepatnightbecauseIhad exhaustedmyselfoutfromallthephysicalandmentalsymptoms.

When I was at my lowest point, I discovered the work of psychologist, Sheryl Paul, who wrote the acclaimed novel, ‘WisdomofAnxiety’.Thisbookcoverssomanyaspectsofanxiety fromrelationshipanxietytooverallsensoryoverload.Itmademe feel visible. As the title might imply, Paul talks about how underneathouranxiety,therealsoliesawisdomthatweareableto usetocounteractthoughtsandemotionsthatdonotserveus.This bookchangedmylifeforeverandallowedmetorememberwhatis trulyimportantinlife-connectionandrelationships.

I think the world we live in now makes it easier to experience anxiousthoughtsandfeelingsasweareoftentoldtofindthemost “correct” answer in life, and we should feel inadequate if we haven’tfoundthatyet.Dealingwithmysensoryoverloadallowed me to feel comfortable with uncertainty and embrace the unknown. Rather than trying to run from my pain I began to accept it as a part of my life, and in turn, acceptance of others aroundme.

Experiencing sensory overload also expanded my definitions on someofmymostfundamentalvaluesIhavesuchaslove,kindness, connection and accepting differences. What was a personal hell actuallyfacilitatedanopportunityforgrowthandrebirth.Itmade melessafraidtofeelfullyandtoacceptuncomfortablefeelingsand experiencesintomylife.Mybodywasnotinfactfailingme,but preparingmetogrowintoanewversionofmyself.

Ican’tsayIhaveastrictlypositiverelationshipwithmyfeelingsat alltimes.Idon’tthinkmanyofusdothough.WhatIwillsayis that I have come to accept discomfort and differences in a far healthier and more constructive way. It gave me the tools to see othersaroundmeinanewlightandtoseepeopleholisticallyand realistically.

HowdidIcombatsensoryoverload?Well,unfortunatelywecan’t getridofit,asitisactuallyanessentialpartofgrowth.Butwecan makeiteasiertocopewithitinafewways:

Getyourbodymoving!

It may not be a run or something super-fast as your body may alreadybemovingveryfastbutIpersonallystartedYinYogaand lovedit.Itgavemeasilencemymindcouldn’tgivemewhenitwas inoverdrive,anditisfantasticatrelaxingtensemuscles.

Relaxonthestimulants/depressants

During this time I really steered clear of coffee and alcohol as I didn’t feel it served me during this period. I also believe it can heightenyoursymptomsinmanywaysifyoudonotconsumeit consciously.

Don’twithdrawfromeverything

Duringthistimeofphysicalandemotionalexhaustion,itcanbe temptingtowithdrawourselvesfromallofourcommitmentsand social responsibilities. Whilst I am all for taking a time out for yourself,whenIwasexperiencingsensoryoverload,Iwouldtake thiswithdrawaltoanextremeandwouldspenddaysinmyroomif Iwasn’tforcedoutofthehouseinsomeway.Distractionsaren’t always unhealthy, and it is okay to throw your mind into somethingelseifyoufindyourselfspirallingdownanever-ending holeofthoughts.

Rememberthatmultiplerealitiescanexistatonce

Whilst sensory overload can feel deadly in the moment, there is alwaysanothersidetoanyfeeling.Lifewon’talwayscomeaswe likeit,howeverthatdoesnotmeanwehavetoabandonit.Our fightorflightresponsemayfeelnatural,however,holdingontoa feeling of pain can allow us to release it sooner than avoiding it altogether.Wearebuilttosurvivethisuncertaintyoflife!

Backgrounds by Jess Harrison

Ondealingwithintrusivethoughts

Intrusivethoughtsaresupercommon.Theyareunwantedthoughtsthatare presentinthemindatanygivenpointintime.They’reoftenassociatedwitha feelingoflostcontrol,distress,andnegativeemotions.Researchconductedin theUSsuggeststhatapproximately94%ofpeopleexperienceintrusive thoughts.Intrusivethoughtsarehighlycommoninpeoplewithmentalillnesses (e.g.,obsessive-compulsivedisorder,anxiety,depression,post-traumaticstress disorder).Althoughyoudonotneedtohaveanillnesstoexperiencethem.They canarisewithstressfullifeevents,lackofself-careorevenjustexhaustion.

Intrusivethoughtscanbemanagedinafewdifferentways.Averycommon strategyusedtohelp(whetherornottheintrusivethoughtsarerelatedtoa mentalillness)iscognitivebehaviouraltechniques.Theseareusedincognitive behaviouraltherapywhichisbasedontheideathatourthoughtsinfluenceour behaviours.Therefore,ifweareexperiencingintrusivethoughtswearelikelyto behaveinaworriedorsadmanner(dependingonthenatureofthethought).

Mypersonalfavouritecognitivebehaviouralstrategyfordealingwithintrusive thoughtsistofirstly,catchthethoughtandsecondly,ask3simplequestions(see image).Thepointistoobjectivelyevaluatethethoughtwhichwillresultinaless intenseemotionalimpactofthethought.

Here’showit’sdone:

Noticethatyouareexperiencinganintrusivethoughtandhavecompassion foryourself.Itislikelythatthereasonforthethoughtissimplyyourbrain istryingtoprotectyou.

Askyourself:isthethoughtkind?Sometimesthethoughtwillbeofaselfcriticising nature. After acknowledging if it is kind, think about if you wouldthinkthiswayaboutyourbestfriend?

Askyourself:isthisthoughttrue?Averyimportantconsiderationwhen askingthisquestionis,areyouthinkingaboutthisobjectively?Lookfor explicit, hard evidence for and against the thought. For example, if the thoughtis“Iamstupid”afterreceivingabadmarkonatest,thinkabout whetherornotthisoneindividualmarkistrulyreflectiveofyourentireself andintelligence(hint:itisn’t).

Askyourself:Isthethoughtnecessary?Isthethoughthelpingyou?Isthe thoughtconstructive?Isthethoughtjustplainmean?Again,wouldyou havethisthoughtaboutyourbestfriend?

General tips when practicing this technique include: always engage in selfcompassion, and if you are struggling to remain objective ask a friend to brainstormtheanswerswithyou.Anotherperspectivecanbereallyhelpful!Try identify why the thoughts are happening. Did something trigger them? Is it somethingyou’vebelievedyourentirelife?Andlastly,writetheanswersdown! Thiscanbehelpfultoidentifypatternsinthinkingandcanhelpwithemotional expressionandprocessing.

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ArtworkandwritingbyAlexGrecoFlorence

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