Hitting Close to Home

Recognizing the Signs of Intimate Partner Abuse

By Amy Santana, Paige Gunning, and Xavier Quinn

So many of us came out into LGBTQ communities with stars in our eyes and rainbow-colored glasses on, thinking abuse doesn’t happen in our relationships. The media often portrays domestic violence as only affecting straight cisgender women. The sad reality is that domestic violence affects people from all races, class backgrounds, genders, and sexual orientations at similar rates. LGBTQ communities are no different. According to the 2010 National Intimate Partner Violence and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS), 44 percent of lesbian women, 61 percent of bisexual women, 26 percent of gay men, and 37 percent of bisexual men experience domestic violence in their lifetime. to notice it happening around us. This was the case with Taylor, who had been with his boyfriend for three years. Even the couple’s friends agreed that his relationship with his boyfriend was “intense”. But abusive? No. They’d seen the way the two were always fighting, and how these fights would end with Taylor giving into whatever his boyfriend wanted. Taylor thought that his boyfriend was just emotional because he was under stress; he wanted to be understanding. He didn’t realize that somehow his needs were never met, while his boyfriend always managed to get his way. Taylor’s boyfriend demanded that Taylor stop seeing his best friend Sophie, saying that Taylor might sleep with her because he is bisexual. These types of emotional tactics of abuse are common because the abuser’s goal is to gain power and control over their partner’s thoughts and actions. The abuser belittles their partner, questions and criticizes their actions, acts jealously, and tries to isolate them from any support.

In instances where there is a power imbalance, due to age, income, race, or immigration status, abusers often take advantage of this asymmetry to control their partner. One example of this is when Verna’s girlfriend withdrew her support from her immigration case. When they got married, Verna and Jess seemed so in love. Verna was in the United States on a fiancée visa (K-1) and remained after getting married, as her wife supported her petition. When her wife wanted to have a baby and argued that,for health reasons, Verna should carry the child, she agreed and was excited. As soon as their child was born, Verna’s wife withdrew all support for Verna’s immigration case. Verna could no longer work because her work authorization and her green card were dependent on her wife’s support. Jess started making demands and told Verna that if she did not do as she was told, then she would be deported and would have to leave their child behind. Not knowing what to do, and worrying that no one would believe her, Verna felt even more alone.

This imbalance of power can show up when a cisgender person abuses their transgender partner. For instance, Jamie believed her partner Veronica, when she said that she owed Jamie for staying in the relationship and allowing Jamie to transition. The first time that Veronica hit her, Jamie was told that she deserved it because her doctor’s appointments were causing Veronica a lot of stress. As the years went on, Jamie noticed more and more of her boundaries being violated. Not only did Veronica become physically violent at times, she also started demanding that Jamie limit her time with friends, pushed Jamie to engage in a sexual relationship with which she was not comfortable, and would call Jamie “he” in public when she was angry. Jamie feared that no one would believe that a woman could, or would, be physically abusive. Since Veronica was smaller than her, when Jamie mentioned to their friends that Veronica had hurt her, she was met with disbelief. After Veronica tried to strangle her, Jamie decided that she needed some support and help after years of feeling trapped and isolated.

[W]hen we assume that abuse can’t happen in LGBTQ communities, we dismiss or fail to recognize abuse when it happens to our friends, loved ones, or even in our own relationships.

Perhaps the saddest reality of intimate partner abuse is that it happens in a relationship that is supposed to be loving and filled with trust. Abusers know their partners well and use that knowledge to control them in many ways. These tactics don’t have to include physical violence. Intimate partner abuse can be a mix of emotional abuse, manipulation, sexual coercion, financial control, and isolation from friends or family. Ultimately, it involves the abuser trying to gain power and control over their partner.

If you’re looking for support around domestic violence, the following programs understand the unique experiences of abuse in lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer communities and offer free services: The Network/La Red (617-742-4911; 24-hour hotline), The New York Anti-Violence Project (212-714-1141; 24-hour hotline), and the Violence Recovery Program at Fenway Health (617-927-6250). For additional services, reach out to The National Domestic Violence’s 24-hour Hotline (1-800-799-7233).

Amy Santana is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor focusing on the needs of those who have experienced trauma, with an emphasis on LGBTQ individuals who have experienced partner abuse/domestic violence.

Paige Gunning is an Advocate at the Violence Recovery Program at Fenway Health working with LGBTQ survivors, and has volunteered at The Network/La Red for two years.

Xavier Quinn is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and the Assistant Manager of the Violence Recovery Program at Fenway Health. He has worked with domestic violence survivors for 13 years.