BOULDER NAUGHTY/ NICE LIST

Nice

Alone But Not Lonely

Your guide to a solo holiday season in Boulder

whose cinnamon rolls have always been, and remain, some BIG OL’ BOYS.

SAMPLES ARE BACK, BABY!

BOULDER CITY

COUNCIL MEETINGS

If you haven’t experienced the Parks and Rec episode vibes of Boulder City Council meetings, you’re not just missing out on the sartorial sensibilities of over-educated retirees; you’re missing out on the spiciest issues of the Boulder zeitgeist, including Marshall Fire conspiracy theories, NIMBY tears and our collective moral obligation to the lives of East Boulder prairie dogs.

Big Pastries

For a few years, Boulder pastries had become fashionably itty bitty. Those of us feeling underfed after an Instagram-able but microscopic kouignamann from Boxcar were left wondering if a pastry could ever constitute a full-ass meal again. But trends change, and hip coffee shops like Beleza are once again serving up some honkers. Shout out to Breadworks,

Naughty

While the pandemic took many things from us — in-person work meetings, Herman Cain — one of the hardest was sample culture. Well, let me tell you, tiny plastic cups of marinated salmon and random tortilla chips have once again materialized in Whole Foods, and you bet your booty that I am sticking my nasty hand into that weird half-sphereshaped container and taking two, thank you very much. Nature is healing.

CO-OPTING

MUSHROOM CULTURE

Must every subculture be gentrified into whitemom aesthetic? Oh, so you think that whitespotted red toadstool mushrooms are cute to have as a salt-and-pepper shaker? Can you name the top three visions you’ll have after being poisoned by Amanita muscaria? Clearly not, poser.

DEION SANDERS’ SUNGLASSES

Coach Prime has clearly yet to have the crucial Boulder experience of listening to a very spun girl very intensely explain why eyes are the windows to the soul. Please, Mr. Sanders:

The last thing Boulder men needed was another excuse to wear sunglasses indoors in an effort to avoid emotional vulnerability.

Sharing Screenshots From Dating Apps On Social Media

I know, everyone will think it’s sooo cool when you post screenshots of you owning a girl on a dating app chat who clearly is not as much of an expert on early-era Grateful Dead as her profile picture of her wearing a slutty Dead shirt would suggest. OH MY GOD this is unclassy, especially in a small town. I have no jokes; please just stop.

It happens. All the homies went home for the holidays but you. Or maybe Boulder is home, and none of the other Boulder-borns made it back this year. Either way, it’s just you, your regrets and some edibles this year. But I promise it can be survivable, even a blast, if you keep these three guidelines in mind.

Give Into The Xmas Sleaze Of It All

Sure, 11 months of the year, Peppercorn is where you buy some granny-ass napkins for your mother-in-law’s birthday that you totally forgot about until day-of. But during this most special time of year, Peppercorn is a good ol’ Christmas orgasm. Stand amid the holidayfrenzied tourists and the niche Euro-candy vibes, and let it seep into your soul.

Get Pagan With It

When it comes to religion, Boulder is like a slightly awkward but intellectual teenage girl searching for identity. We like to consider ourselves a little “alt,” and became Buddhism-curious after reading Dharma Bums. But that doesn’t mean Boulder doesn’t absolutely fuck with Christmas. As yuppies and crunchies alike have found, hip Winter Solstice parties can bring the seasonal vibes without the attachment of the problematic Western Christianity vibes. Wander your lonely ass into a moonlit circle of influencercoven-bitches on the eve of Dec. 21; I promise, no one checks the guest list on these things.

Embrace The True Meaning Of The Season

Some of us believe this time of year is holy regardless of religion. There is something ancient and universal in the recognition that, in our coldest and darkest hour, there is light in human connection. As Gen Z-ers would say, it’s giving “giving.” It’s radical empathy. It’s being in the Whole Foods express checkout line behind an oblivious lady with a cart exceeding 10 items (or fewer), and thinking, “She must be in a hurry! I hope she has a good rest of her day :) Oh my god, is she actually going to make a thing about her Amazon Prime membership?”

Look over there, at that older man sitting at the Trident (yep, that one with the hat and vaguely offputting vibes!) who is visibly starving for human interaction. Striking up a conversation with this fella is about as hard as getting your sweet mother to eat just one more piece of peppermint bark from Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory — that is to say, he’s more than willing. You’re sparing the vulnerable young ladies in his geographic vicinity from his unintentionally creepy, but still very creepy, attempts to engage them in conversation.

And, whenever you feel alone, look up at that star in the foothills. Take a deep breath and remember that you might be alone for the holidays, but two people with freezing tushies are probably getting illegally laid inside that very star. Happy Holidays, baby.

Got a Boulder-centric question or conundrum? DM @wholefoods_daddy on Instagram, or email letters@boulderweekly.com with the subject line “Dear Whole Foods Daddy.”

THU. 12/7 - 8:00PM

BOOT JUICE

FRI. 12/8 - 8:30PM

ROLLING HARVEST

SAT. 12/9 - 8:00PM

THE GOOd KINd’S HOLIdAy BASH

SUN. 12/10 - 7:30PM

THE GAVIN WORLANd BIG BANd

TUE. 12/12 - 8:00PM

105.5 THE COLORAdO SOUNd

PRESENTS: APOLLO SUNS

WED. 12/13 - 7:00PM

FREE BLUEGRASS JAM

FRI. 12/15 - 9:00PM

JOE MARCINEK BANd

FEAT. dAVE WATTS (OF THE MOTET) ANd FRIENdS

SAT. 12/16 - 8:00PM

STEPHEN KELLOGG: SIT dOWN & STANd UP TOUR

MON. 12/18 - 6:00PM

OPEN MIC W/ STEVE KOPPE

TUE. 12/19 - 7:00PM

OPEN MIC

OLIVER FRANKLIN, HEATHERLyN, ABBy BROWN, HANNAH SAMANO

Events

8

LONGMONT LIGHTS

5-8 p.m. Friday, Dec. 8, Roosevelt Community Park, 700 Longs Peak Ave., Longmont. Free

Visit with Santa, ice skate at the Pavilion, enjoy free hot cocoa and stay warm by the fire while watching the annual fireworks show and lights that illuminate Roosevelt Community Park at this holiday event in Longmont.

8

Holiday Concert

7-9 p.m. Friday, Dec. 8 and 2-4 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 9, Heart of Longmont United Methodist Church, 350 11th Ave. $10

Get into the holiday spirit with The Longs Peak Chorus as they celebrate the season with a staging of traditional holiday music. Performances take place in Longmont on Friday and Saturday, and guests of all ages are welcome.

8-10 WINTERFEST 2023

Various times. Fri.-Sun., Dec. 8-10, Chautauqua Park, 900 Baseline Road and 9th Street, Boulder. Prices vary.

Get in the holiday spirit at Chautauqua with WinterFest 2023. The anticipated yearly blowout features a tree-lighting ceremony, horse-drawn carriage rides, Santa’s cottage, guided hikes and a ho-ho-whole lot more.

8

BLUE DIME CABARET: FROSTALICIOUS

7 p.m. Friday, Dec. 8, DV8 Distillery, 2480 48th St., Ste E, Boulder. $15

Enjoy burlesque, drag and comedy performances along with a mini fashion show presented by the Blue Dime Cabaret and DV8 Distillery. Be sure to stick around for the afterparty, included with your ticket.

8-10 WINTER MAGIC ARTS EXTRAVAGANZA

5-8 p.m. Fri.-Sun., Dec. 8-10, Wibby Brewing, 209 Emery St., Longmont. Free

Support East Boulder County artists at Wibby Brewing with a market featuring one-of-a-kind gifts, ceramics, paintings, jewelry and more. Enjoy food trucks and drinks to fuel your shopping for the holidays.

9

Longmont Cars And Coffee

8-10:30 a.m. Saturday, Dec. 9, Einstein Bros. Bagels, 2311 Clover Basin Drive, Longmont. Free

Grab some coffee and join other car enthusiasts to admire some of Boulder County’s most unique automobiles at Longmont Cars and Coffee. The show comes once a month to Longmont and features decades-old vintage cars and their owners, who are happy to chat about the craftsmanship behind their vehicles.

9

Holiday Craft Fair

9 Japanese Flower Exhibition

9

Events

10

Dec. 9, Museum of Boulder, 2205 Broadway. $15

Enjoy OZO Coffee and holiday music from Opera on Tap Colorado’s carolers while shopping for unique gifts and crafts from local vendors and artists. Tickets cover the entry fee, one free drink, and access to the Museum of Boulder and vendors from across Colorado.

10 a.m.-5 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 9 and noon-4 p.m. Sunday, Dec. 10, Boulder Public Library, 1001 Arapahoe Ave. Free

Celebrate the season with a flower show that embraces Japan’s holiday traditions with over 50 ikebana flower creations. Edo Period scrolls with holiday art will be featured, and a flowerarranging lecture and demonstration will be held 2 p.m. Sunday.

Metamorphosis Of Motherhood

Noon-3 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 9, Junkyard Social Club, 2525 Frontier Ave., Unit A, Boulder. $48

Kristina Cheraneva encourages mothers at all points of their journey to join in on this mask-making workshop to connect to their creative side. This artmaking workshop is designed to help mothers reinvent themselves after experiencing a change in their identity.

9

HOLIDAY FAMILY FUN

10 a.m.-1 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 9, Lafayette History Museum, 108 East Simpson St. Free

The Museum of Food & Culture partners with the Lafayette History Museum to host this holiday event for guests to experience new exhibits and participate in hands-on activities. Decorate a tea towel with a family recipe or make pomanders to get into the holiday spirit.

9 Yellow Barn Film Festival

11 a.m.-9:30 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 9, Yellow Barn Farm, 9417 N. Foothills Highway, Longmont. $15-$18

The Yellow Barn Farm presents its first annual film festival featuring Geoff Marslett’s Quantum Cowboys. The event aims to ignite the community’s relationship to the land and bridge the gap between art and nature.

11

Chanukah On Pearl

5:30-7 p.m. Monday, Dec. 11, Pearl Street Mall, 1303 Pearl St., Boulder. Free

The Boulder JCC invites the community to join them at their annual outdoor event featuring a Menorah lighting, Chanukah treats, hot chocolate and more. And don’t miss Chanukah on Ice in Louisville on Dec. 12 for even more holiday fun.