COVER BOULDER NAUGHTY/ NICE LIST NICE whose cinnamon rolls have always been, and remain, some BIG OL’ BOYS.
BOULDER CITY COUNCIL MEETINGS If you haven’t experienced the Parks and Rec episode vibes of Boulder City Council meetings, you’re not just missing out on the sartorial sensibilities of over-educated retirees; you’re missing out on the spiciest issues of the Boulder zeitgeist, including Marshall Fire conspiracy theories, NIMBY tears and our collective moral obligation to the lives of East Boulder prairie dogs.
BIG PASTRIES For a few years, Boulder pastries had become fashionably itty bitty. Those of us feeling underfed after an Instagram-able but microscopic kouignamann from Boxcar were left wondering if a pastry could ever constitute a full-ass meal again. But trends change, and hip coffee shops like Beleza are once again serving up some honkers. Shout out to Breadworks,
SAMPLES ARE BACK, BABY! While the pandemic took many things from us — in-person work meetings, Herman Cain — one of the hardest was sample culture. Well, let me tell you, tiny plastic cups of marinated salmon and random tortilla chips have once again materialized in Whole Foods, and you bet your booty that I am sticking my nasty hand into that weird half-sphereshaped container and taking two, thank you very much. Nature is healing.
NAUGHTY CO-OPTING MUSHROOM CULTURE Must every subculture be gentrified into whitemom aesthetic? Oh, so you think that whitespotted red toadstool mushrooms are cute to have as a salt-and-pepper shaker? Can you name the top three visions you’ll have after being poisoned by Amanita muscaria? Clearly not, poser. DEION SANDERS’ SUNGLASSES Coach Prime has clearly yet to have the crucial Boulder experience of listening to a very spun girl very intensely explain why eyes are the windows to the soul. Please, Mr. Sanders: 16
DECEMBER 7, 2023
ALONE BUT NOT LONELY Your guide to a solo holiday season in Boulder
I
t happens. All the homies went home for the holidays but you. Or maybe Boulder is home, and none of the other Boulder-borns made it back this year. Either way, it’s just you, your regrets and some edibles this year. But I promise it can be survivable, even a blast, if you keep these three guidelines in mind.
GIVE INTO THE XMAS SLEAZE OF IT ALL
Sure, 11 months of the year, Peppercorn is where you buy some granny-ass napkins for your mother-in-law’s birthday that you totally forgot about until day-of. But during this most special time of year, Peppercorn is a good ol’ Christmas orgasm. Stand amid the holidayfrenzied tourists and the niche Euro-candy vibes, and let it seep into your soul.
GET PAGAN WITH IT
When it comes to religion, Boulder is like a slightly awkward but intellectual teenage girl searching for identity. We like to consider ourselves a little “alt,” and became Buddhism-curious after reading Dharma Bums. But that doesn’t mean Boulder doesn’t absolutely fuck with Christmas. As yuppies and crunchies alike have found, hip Winter Solstice parties can bring the seasonal vibes without the attachment of the problematic Western Christianity vibes. Wander your lonely ass into a moonlit circle of influencercoven-bitches on the eve of Dec. 21; I promise, no one checks the guest list on these things.
EMBRACE THE TRUE MEANING OF THE SEASON
The last thing Boulder men needed was another excuse to wear sunglasses indoors in an effort to avoid emotional vulnerability. SHARING SCREENSHOTS FROM DATING APPS ON SOCIAL MEDIA I know, everyone will think it’s sooo cool when
you post screenshots of you owning a girl on a dating app chat who clearly is not as much of an expert on early-era Grateful Dead as her profile picture of her wearing a slutty Dead shirt would suggest. OH MY GOD this is unclassy, especially in a small town. I have no jokes; please just stop.
Some of us believe this time of year is holy regardless of religion. There is something ancient and universal in the recognition that, in our coldest and darkest hour, there is light in human connection. As Gen Z-ers would say, it’s giving “giving.” It’s radical empathy. It’s being in the Whole Foods express checkout line behind an oblivious lady with a cart exceeding 10 items (or fewer), and thinking, “She must be in a hurry! I hope she has a good rest of her day :) Oh my god, is she actually going to make a thing about her Amazon Prime membership?” Look over there, at that older man sitting at the Trident (yep, that one with the hat and vaguely offputting vibes!) who is visibly starving for human interaction. Striking up a conversation with this fella is about as hard as getting your sweet mother to eat just one more piece of peppermint bark from Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory — that is to say, he’s more than willing. You’re sparing the vulnerable young ladies in his geographic vicinity from his unintentionally creepy, but still very creepy, attempts to engage them in conversation. And, whenever you feel alone, look up at that star in the foothills. Take a deep breath and remember that you might be alone for the holidays, but two people with freezing tushies are probably getting illegally laid inside that very star. Happy Holidays, baby. Got a Boulder-centric question or conundrum? DM @wholefoods_daddy on Instagram, or email letters@boulderweekly.com with the subject line “Dear Whole Foods Daddy.”
BOULDER WEEKLY
