Old Guys and the navigator

Jim Drummond is a retired banker and Bozeman native.

One of the fellows was late to the old guy waterhole this week. The chairman of the waterhole waited as long as he could, but finally called the old guy session to order. We were well underway with old guy business when our absent friend rushed through the door, quickly strode to the table, then sat down with an exasperated sigh. We all noticed that he had beads of sweat dripping down his forehead, and that his breathing was labored. He had dark circles under his eyes, and his hands were trembling. It was apparent that something traumatic had occurred. The newcomer looked around the table with a grimace, then finally commented, “I’m sorry I’m late. I was just about to leave home when my wife asked if I could drop her off at her sister’s house on my way to the waterhole. I agreed, so she sashayed out to the car and climbed into the navigator’s seat. I backed out of the driveway, shifted into forward, and started driving down the street as I normally do. Then she said, ‘you’re going the wrong way’. I asked her what way I should be going, and she said, ‘the other way.’ I stopped the car, did a u-turn, and drove in the other direction. When we got to the first intersection, she said, ‘turn left here.’ I asked her ‘why?’ She said that she always turns left at that particular corner to get to her sister’s house. I said, ‘it’s faster to go straight.’ She said, ‘is not!’ I backed up to the intersection, then turned left.” Someone asked, “Did the trip get better after that?” The fellow responded, “Not at all. After a few more turns at her command, we were driving down the main road toward her sister’s house when she said ‘take a right at the red brick house with the flagpole out front.’ I said, ‘I can see your sister’s house straight ahead in the distance so why do you want me to turn at the red brick house?’ She responded, ‘that is where I always turn to get to my sister’s house.’ I turned right at the brick house. Then she said, ‘take a left at the next corner by the bakery, then another left this side of the tire shop.’ I took a left at the bakery, and another left in front of the tire shop, then drove up an alley as instructed. She said, ‘now take a right when you get to the next street, and my sister’s house is just a few blocks away. I told her, ‘That will put us back on the street we just left. It would have been quicker to keep going straight.’ She replied, ‘would not!’ I took the next right as ordered, then dropped her off at her sister’s house. I’m totally exhausted now.” One of the old fellows commented, “My wife does the same thing. When we drive to the grocery store together, I just follow her directions. It isn’t all bad. Her route gives me more time to think about my shopping list, and I get to see some new scenery.” Several others in the group nodded their comprehension of co-ed crosstown travel. The self-appointed scientist at the waterhole commented, “Researchers have studied the differences between men and women when driving between two locations. They learned that men envision the end point and begin driving in that direction taking the shortest route possible. But according to the scientists, women utilize way points. They depart from a location then use familiar objects or points of interest to make turns along the way. Researchers believe that gender differences in navigation are due to our ancestors. 14,000 years ago, men would track a mastodon for miles, through varying terrain, then have to find their way back in unfamiliar territory. Early male hunters developed an enhanced sense of direction to return home from a long distance away. But, 14,000 years ago, our great, great, great, great grandmothers stayed closer to home. They were able to use vegetation or rock formations as road signs to find their way back from the berry patch. They were more reliant on known landmarks to return to the cave. The researchers concluded that old guys, and old guy wives, have evolved to navigate quite differently. One researcher postulated that wives are superior at finding things in and around the house, and old guys are better at finding the house.” Someone asked the latecomer, “How’s your wife going to get back home?” The fellow responded, “Her sister is giving her a ride, so it might take her awhile to get to our house. Somebody flag Heidi back to the old guy table. I have time for another round.”

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