Old Guy Parking

By Jim Drummond

One of the fellows strode into the old guy waterhole this week pulling a wheeled airline carry-on bag. The small suitcase was bright purple and noticeably frayed around the edges. It had a large sticker on the side that said, “Old Guys Rule.” As our friend struggled toward the table, the squeaking wheels on the luggage made a clicking noise at each seam in the linoleum. When the fellow finally arrived he was wheezing and had a sheen of sweat on his brow. Before sitting down, he rolled the bag to a spot right behind his seat. As he sat, the gent scanned the raised eyebrows of everyone around the table, then asked, “What?” Somebody finally questioned, “What’s in the suitcase?”

The fellow responded, “Nothing.” Someone else fired back, “Seriously? You came in here pulling a travel bag. It can’t be empty! What’s in your luggage?” The bag master responded, “It really is empty. If it had anything in it, it would be harder to pull to the waterhole.” Somebody at the end of the table asked, “If it’s empty, why did you need to bring it?” The first fellow responded, “It’s almost impossible to find a place to park near the waterhole any longer. I finally decided to drive my pickup to the front of one of the new hotels, step out, and pull an empty carry-on out

Jim Drummond is a retired banker and Bozeman native.

behind me. I discovered that a nice young fellow in a red vest will run up to take my keys, wish me an enjoyable stay, then drive my pickup to one of the parking spots that I used to use, and that the hotel now owns. Then I drag my empty luggage to the waterhole. When I leave the waterhole, I pull the suitcase back to the front of the hotel. The same nice young fellow in the red vest drives up in my pickup, gets out, loads up my bag, and asks me if I had a nice visit. I give him a couple of bucks and tell him that I had a good time at the waterhole. I don’t have to worry about parking any more.” Somebody else commented, “I can’t find parking either. I considered using the hotel valet, but I don’t want to give him a tip. I learned that my best use of the clock is to circle around the waterhole and wait for a parking spot to open. If I keep making bigger and bigger loops I eventually find a place to pull in. I just have to allocate sufficient time to keep circling until someone vacates a spot.” Another fellow asked,”When you spend hours going round and round waiting for parking don’t you get hungry, or have to use a restroom?” The first gent responded, “I’ve found it best to top off my gas tank before heading to the waterhole. Then I pack along a few sandwiches, a thermos of coffee, and keep an empty Gatorade bottle in the cab. That usually tides me over until a parking spot opens up.” A fellow down the table commented, “I always prepare for a significant time commitment while looking for parking. Last year I bought a couple of CD’s to learn a new language. I listen to the CD’s while I’m on the lookout for an empty parking space. I’ve almost mastered conversational Norwegian, and plan to begin the Portuguese CD if waterhole parking remains tight.” Someone else weighed in, “Parking is getting so short that I’m thinking about moving to a new town. I’ve been online looking at waterholes in small communities that don’t have a parking problem. The burgs that seem most interesting have abundant parking spaces, and the waterholes are affordable. My biggest concern about moving away is that I would lose all my friends.” A gent at the end of the table responded, “Not a problem. You don’t have any friends.” The youngest of old guys said, “I thought I had the solution when I started riding a bike.” Someone responded, “I didn’t see you ride up on a bike today.” The fellow replied, “I have been riding a bike. Then last week someone cut the lock and my bike disappeared. Today I asked the mailman if I could ride along and hop out when he passed by the waterhole. It took us quite awhile with all the mailbox stops, but when we finally arrived I concluded that riding shotgun for the mailman is still much faster than searching for a place to park.”

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