4 minute read
Old Guys And Colonoscopies
By Jim Drummond
Everyone was settled around the table at the old guy waterhole this week when Heidi, the waitress, came up to take our orders. Heidi is actually quite dandy at waitressing. She possesses a fundamental understanding of old guy humor. She rarely rolls her eyes, or shakes her head, or snorts in disgust. The waterhole is never the same when Heidi is away on vacation or caring for a sick goldfish. As Heidi was writing down requests on her order pad, a pad which also has pictures of pink pandas and green giraffes, one of the fellows halfway down the table stated, “Just a water.” Heidi paused in shock, her pencil poised in mid air. Up and down the table heads spun and everyone looked hard at our friend. Finally somebody asked, “What’s up with only water? Are you cleansing your kidneys?” The fellow responded, “No, I’m getting a colonoscopy tomorrow and I’m not supposed to eat food, or drink anything but water.” One of the gents in the group considers himself to be our medical expert, and he responded, “I believe the rule the day before a colonoscopy is not to eat hard food, but you can drink whatever you want. You just can’t eat hot dogs, or coleslaw, or corn on the cob, or pickled summer sausage. You better order something from Heidi, other than water, or she’ll think that you’re a cheapskate.”
Jim Drummond is a retired banker and Bozeman native.
Our friend revised his order, looked around the table, then sheepishly commented, “I’m really worried about the complicated process to get prepared, so I asked Doc what he will be doing while I’m lashed to his table. He told me he will be investigating all my nooks and crannies and trying to find anything that appears out of place. He said it’s pretty dark in there and he doesn’t appreciate moving apple cores and chunks of chewing gum aside to get a good look. I asked him if he truly enjoys his job. He said he likes golf, and this line of work gives him an opportunity get in more than 18 holes a day.” A fellow at the end of the table commented, “It’s probably worthwhile for you to learn what’s inside your insides. Maybe Doc will find your missing tow rope.” Another fellow stepped into the conversation, “I had my colonoscopy last month. The worst part was drinking a big jug of colored goop the night before. Doc told me I could select whatever flavor I wanted. He said that it would be similar to gulping flavored jello. I picked the lemon flavor but discovered that it actually tastes like rotting fish and motor oil.” Someone asked, “What were your other options?” The first fellow responded, “Banana, lime, dill pickle, and beer and french fries. I should have chosen the beer and french fry flavor.” Somebody else commented, “I always pick the lime flavor and pretend that it’s margarita mix. I pour it in a chilled glass, put salt around the rim, slip on some sunglasses, and dress in a Hawaiian shirt. Then I settle back in a lawn chair while I’m sipping my margarita glop. It seems to go down much easier.” One of the fellows hoped to reassure our friend who was scheduled for the next day. He patiently advised, “It will all be over before you know it. They will ease you into a warm and soft bed, and play relaxing music. They dim the lights and the only illumination comes from a few candles in a corner. They have a big screen TV. Just before you go to sleep you can watch John Wayne movies. If you wake up part way through you can observe Doc playing PAC-Man on the big screen. I usually wake up about halfway and have the nicest conversations with Doc and the nurses.” One of the gents asked, “What do you talk about?” The first fellow responded, “Mostly football, but sometimes we discuss Italian cooking. When I finally fully wake up I’m always hungry for spaghetti.” A fellow at the end of the table said, “Everybody pick up your drink and we’ll give good luck toast to our nervous friend.” Everyone lifted their mug and looked around the table. Someone enthusiastically proclaimed, “Bottoms up!”
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