Late Laughs

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

The Supreme Court of the United States, or “SCOTUS,” continues to shoot itself in the nuts, or “scrotus.” ... There is a brand-new scandal involving Supreme Court Justice ... Samuel Alito. ... This weekend [May 25-26,] ... we found out that in January of 2021, just days after the Capitol Riot, an upside-down U.S. flag flew at the home of Justice Samuel Alito ... and that is significant because, at that time, the upside-down flag had become a symbol of the “Stop the Steal” movement. ... There’s no possible justification for a Supreme Court justice displaying a symbol of insurrection at his home, which is why when this photo was published, Alito immediately did the right thing and owned up and blamed his wife. ... So he dropped a dime on his gal. Citing the landmark case of “Me Just Tryna Live My Life v. Ladies Be Crazy, Amirite?”

Complete the grid so each row, column and 3-by-3 box (in bold borders) contains every digit 1 to 9. For strategies on how to solve Sudoku, visit sudoku.org.uk.

Complete the grid so each row, column and 3-by-3 box (in bold borders) contains every digit 1 to 9. For strategies on how to solve Sudoku, visit sudoku.org.uk.

After calling just two witnesses, this afternoon [May 21], [Donald] Trump’s defense rested. ... Today was Trump’s chance to wake up, snort a line of gas station energy powder and get on that stand to prove that this is all a big Joe Biden witch hunt, but it is now confirmed that Donald Trump will not testify. That is shocking. Trump is not talking. What happened? Did he write himself a check for $130,000?

Speaking of failing businesses, Red Lobster has filed for bankruptcy. ... The official reason Red Lobster gave for filing was financial and operational challenges ... but analysts say one big reason was their disastrous $20 “Ultimate Endless Shrimp” promotion. ... The endless shrimp promotion was so catastrophic that it cost Red Lobster $11 million in a single quarter. Well if it was going so badly, if they saw that coming, why don’t they just stop their promotion? Was the shrimp valve stuck open?

Turns out [Trump’s classified documents] scandal is ... much worse than we could have thought, because we just learned that his lawyers found classified documents in Donald Trump’s bedroom four months after the FBI search of Mar-a-Lago. Oh my god! The only thing more shocking to find in Donald Trump’s bedroom would be a current wife.

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

I heard that L.A. County is investigating a reported case of hepatitis A at a Whole Foods in Beverly Hills. A spokesperson from Whole Foods says that the hepatitis is 100% organic and will cost $300.

Today [May 21], the defense rested its case in former president [Donald] Trump’s hush money trial. These are crazy times. Four years ago, [Joe] Biden campaigned from his basement because of COVID. Now, Trump might have to do the same because of house arrest.

Peloton shares just plunged after the company announced a global refinancing. Peloton is barely hanging on. Now when you ride your bike, you have to give a motivational pep talk to the instructor.

Today [May 23], a new airline for dogs called Bark Air took its first flight from New York to L.A. Yeah, the flights take a little longer because the plane has to do three circles before it lands.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Yesterday [May 21], files were unsealed in the Trump stolen documents case. They revealed that when the FBI searched Mar-a-Lago in 2022, the agents were authorized to use deadly force if necessary, which is standard operating procedure whenever the FBI execute a search warrant, but in the MAGAverse, it is a plot to kill Donald Trump. ... The diabolical mastermind Joe Biden sent an elite team of ultra-liberal FBI agents to assassinate Donald Trump but somehow he slipped out the back door. Somehow they missed the fact that the loudest and most famous man in America and all 15 of his Secret Service agents were in New Jersey at the time that they raided Mar-aLago.