Faith, Hope & Love: Finding Sustainability in Motherhood

Faith, Hope & Love Fi n d i n g s us t a i n a b i l i t y i n mo t h erhood

Faith, Hope & Love Fi n d i n g s u s t a i n a b i l i t y i n mo t h erhood

photos & interviews by Brandy Kiger

To all the wonderful women that I have been blessed to call “Mom.�

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Contents Preface . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6

Carla

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Seva

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Kylie

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MaryRose . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 58 Felicia

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Preface Spending the better part of my youth at my

fulfilling the requisite goal of motherhood. But,

grandmother’s house, who I was fortunate

as I progressed through school, I found other

enough to live next door to, I learned to cook

pursuits put that plan on hold. I discovered a

well, to sew, and to entertain. I was trained early

love for traveling, for exploring new places,

on, like many young girls in the South I would

and for learning everything possible about

presume, on how to be mother. I began learning

the world around me. I soon began to realize

how to care for children when I was still a small

that it would be difficult to have both a

child myself, first practicing on babydolls and

dynamic lifestyle and a family of my own.

stuffed animals and then moving to babysitting when I was old enough to stay alone.

Now 25, I’m at an age where I get what my dear friend Ken calls “the look” every time I see

I spent nearly every weekend of my high school

a baby. I think they are precious and adorable,

career caring for other people’s children. And,

but I’m not yet ready for that part of my life yet.

when I was at home, I would “mother” my own

It’s too much of a commitment at this point.

sister and my friends, feeling like it was my job

But, I know I still have time, and so I choose to

to make sure they were well-taken care of. It

follow career rather than family, and choose to

was second nature to me, and I welcomed the

carry a camera bag rather than a diaper bag.

task since there was never any doubt in my mind that I would be a mother one day. I took every

When I began this project, it was out of an

opportunity to learn everything I could to make

interest to see exactly what it takes to be a

sure that I would be the best mom possible.

mother, and what different women of different cultures, ages and faiths rely on to get them

When I moved away to college, I thought that I would get married right away and start a family,

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through the day. I wanted to get at the heart of motherhood, and expected some answers

like faith, hope and love to come more readily

at the hospital and joined them at the family

than others. But, some of the anwers I did not

dinner table. I played with their children while they

expect at all. I had not considered that work

prepared meals for their families, and rocked their

would be a resource that some women would

babies to sleep. And through it all, I found that

rely on to cope with their children’s growing up,

mothers can’t help but mother, regardless of who

nor did I expect to find such stories of heartache

the child (or young adult, in my case) belongs to.

and loss as I have found through this process.

What I found was that these women were

In truth, I think it is that natural instinct to care

strong, and From multiples to single babies,

for others that sustains them all. As Carla says

and from grown children to start-over babies,

in her interview, “When things got hard, I focused

each woman’ s story is different, yet beautiful.

on others whose lives were harder.” It is that innate need to give of themselves and to provide

The women featured here each graciously

comfort to others that is the common thread,

allowed me into their lives, and gave me a

and the reason that mothers are so important,

glimpse of what motherhood means to them.

and so worthy of having their stories told.

Some I knew before I started the project, others I found by happenstance: shopping at the bookstore, answering an ad for housing, and working as a tutor. But, regardless of our relationship, each kindly welcomed me into their home and allowed me to participate in their lives.

I attended their children’s birthday parties, went to the doctor with them, sat through nights

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Carla I didn’t expect to have this many kids. I

to do and how I wanted to do things and

expected to have two kids, but I have five

the places that we would go, but I didn’t

children, five wonderful children. Tristan is 11,

have any idea what it would be like.

Cade is 8, Isaiah is 4 and the twins, Jada and Sophie, are eight months old. And I do believe

[Being a mom] means that I get to train and

in birth control, I’m just not very good at it.

equip my children for successful adulthood,

People ask me all the time “Are you Mormon?,”

and I’m responsible for that. I’m responsible

“Are you Catholic?,” “Do you believe in birth

for training and equipping them spiritually.

control?” The twins were a big surprise.

I hope that I can help them to grow up and The kids, getting to have them, is the best

know what their gifts are and their talents are

part of my life. It’s a wonderful feeling. Being

and help them to go in the way they should

a mom is that connection that you have to

go as adults. So that they don’t maybe make

other people that you don’t just have with

some of the mistakes that I made. Although I

anyone else. There’s that love that you have

know that mistakes aren’t the worst things in

the minute you see their sweet little faces.

the world because we all learn from mistakes.

I always wanted to be a mom, but I don’t

I just hope that they can grow up to be

really know if I thought of how it would be

loving, kind, responsible adults who give. Who

to be a mom. I had ideas of what I wanted

aren’t takers, but givers. That’s what we work

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“ I w o u l d s t o p a n d t h i n k, ‘ R i g h t n o w, w h a t ’s i mp o r t a nt?’” on with our kids because people are selfish

single mother after my first husband [Frank] was

by nature. We have to learn how to share and

killed in a car wreck, and feeling responsible to

give and think of others before ourselves.

be the two people that kids need. I think that kids really need two parents and I just felt like

When things get hard I pretty much fall on my

I had twice the responsibility, the responsibility

face and cry out to the Lord. That’s how I do

to play the male role and the female role in their

it. I feel like I’m a strong person and I have the

life. We had been married six years, and had

ability to endure a lot. I would stop and think,

dated for five before that. We dated all through

“Right now, what’s important? It’s important that

high school. I was a wreck. I probably should

I get dinner ready and focus on what’s important

have been on anti-depressants, but I wasn’t.

and kinda let go of the things that weren’t important.“ I would have to do that for sure.

What sustained me was faith. Just having faith

My hardest time as a mother was being a

in God, having faith that he’s good no matter

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what the circumstances. Having faith that He is in control of my life and just knowing that I could do it, and knowing that there are people in this world who have far harder circumstances than I ever did. When I would feel sorry for myself I would think of others or try to give to others that had harder situations than I had.

Seva My name is Seva Encheva. I am 51, but always

even though in my country I had such a good life.

I would like to introduce myself that I am 41

I had a business, I had everything I needed and I

because it sounds better. I am from Bulgaria, and

was established when I was 44 years old. I was

my nationality is Turkish. I was born in Bulgaria

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and grew up there. I have two daughters, Emel,

main reason was to get them better education. It

she is 29 years old, and Elif is 22. Both of them are

makes me happy as their mother that I am able

college students, and the older one she graduated

to help them out and that they are graduating.

just four months ago in December 2009. The

I am happy for that. But at the same time I am

younger one, she’s going to graduate in May 2010.

not so happy that they are going to go away.

They have to continue their education in different states. But I am happy that I am helping them out.

I am a certified nurse’s assistant at St. Patrick Hospital and an in-home companion. I keep myself

I moved from my country to United States

maximum business. I am working six days of the

because my older one when she graduated high

week. Because I have this quality that I love people

school she took the TOEFL exam. She wanted to

helps me keep myself busy and enjoy what I am

get an education in the USA. She took this exam,

doing for now. I am close to my patients and to

and was successful and she moved after high

the people around me. It’s my personality. I love

school. The first year we were able to support her,

people so much, and I enjoy what I am doing.

but especially for a foreign student it costs a lot of money. So we moved here to help her out.

With my mother, I had such a good relationship.

Unfortunately she was so busy, a lady, and didn’t

I am happy that they are graduating, because the

have that much time to deal with us, because

main reason for me to move to the United States

she worked in another place. We were with our

was to get them a better education. I moved,

grandparents for a while, and after that we got

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“ We h a v e s u c h a g o o d r e l a t i o n s h i p, l i ke f r i e n d s, n ot l i ke mo t h e r a n d d a u g h t e r s.” used to being by ourselves. We did what we were

the older one, because she moved away. Still

supposed to do, like going to school or taking care

I have the younger one. Everyday they are so

of daily needs. We had a good relationship, but

cheerful, happy girls. They try to find ways to

unfortunately she was so busy, she didn’t have

fix the empty place in my heart. When I come

that much time to give to us. That I missed a lot.

home from work, they say “Let’s go mom, let’s go to YMCA,” or “Let’s go hiking,” or “Let’s go

I like being over my family, gathering them,

out for sushi,” or something else. They are so

being with them and I want to protect them from

cheerful and so helpful. We have such a good

everything, like most mothers do. I want them

relationship, like friends, not like mother and

to be happy, to find the right person for them, to

daughters. Usually mothers try to keep their

have a family and to some day be a grandmother.

control all the time. I give them freedom to decide what they are doing. To choose right

I have such a good relationship with my

way for them, what is the best for them. If they

daughters; that’s why I miss them a lot. Especially

want my opinion I am always open for that.

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It’s so hard for immigrants; it’s different

study or go to college and they were supposed

than normal Americans. In our culture, we

to take care of their family, that’s the main

are used to being together. We live with

reason to not go to school or take education.

our parents, grandparents, grandkids, all in one house, but different rooms. We are

It’s opposite in our culture. Parents are so helpful

so close, and so helpful to each other.

and they try to give education to their children in early age, most of them when they are 26, 27, or

In America, most kids after they are 17 or 18

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years old, they are so independent. They don’t make good decisions. Maybe that’s why they

I am so happy that I am together with my family,

make a lot of mistakes. I was surprised when I

and all of us because they are so valuable to

first moved here that people in their 40s and 50s

me. I have a cheerful husband and nice kids

start education and go to school. Because for

to help me to go on [when things are hard].

some reason they got married at an early age or they have four kids, five kids and weren’t able to

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Kylie I have two children, their names are Asher

church. But every other night, we have family

David Barnes, and he’s 3.5 and I have a daughter,

dinner. We hang out as a family and do lots of night

Cora Barnes, and she is almost 11 months.

time activities too. We do bedtime around 9:30 or 10:00, depending on how much fun we’re having.

A typical day for me as a mom would look like, getting up at around 9. Nine o’ clock is

I nannied a lot in college; the Hartzell’s they

usually when they wake up. We snuggle and

had six children and they lived next door, and

hang out and watch a little something on PBS

I lived and breathed being with families, it was

and then we make beds and get dressed

what I loved to do. I would hang out and go on

and head downstairs and have breakfast.

vacations with them and help with their children.

People said that I would be the most un-paranoid

Each day is so different after that, it just depends

first time parent because I had been around kids

on what we have on the agenda. Sometimes its

so much and it’s really true. I think being around

playgroup, sometimes it’s the park, sometimes it’s

that so much, and then my background working

a dance class, sometimes its errands, sometimes

at a home for teen moms for seven years before

we go to a bible study or hang out with friends. It’s

I had kids, really helped give me a really good

so different, it varies every day, and that’s one of

perspective of what parenting would be like and

the things that I try to do is make things different

what it would be like. I was prepared for it.

every day because I think its more fun for the kids.

My favorite thing about being a mom is, in My husband gets home around six, and we

the most simplest form, the hugs and the “I

have a family dinner every night except for when

love you’s.” Asher will tell me that I’m the best

we go to someone else’s house for dinner. or on

mommy in the whole world. Just those sweet

Wednesday when he’s working and we go to a

little moments of connecting with him. And even

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“ I l o v e j u s t h a v i n g t h a t t i me t o c o n n e c t a n d t o s i t d own a n d b e t o g e t h e r a n d e n j oy f o o d a n d t a l k a b o u t o u r d ays o r t e l l s t o r i e s. ” Cora, she’s starting to see me and reach in for

love what I cook. But more than anything, I love just

a kiss, and she’ll put her head down to snuggle.

having that time to connect and to sit down and be

Just that affection, right now. Who knows as they

together and enjoy food and talk about our days or

get older if something will change? The most

tell stories. It’s just central to our family purpose.

simplest form right now, though, would be that

We just know that we have that time every single

connection with them and the “I love you’s.”

night to connect, so it’s really important to me.

Family dinners are really important to me because

I live in Missoula still, with my mom, and

I grew up with that. It was something that we did

the relationship that I have with her is always

as a family. I knew that every night I would sit down

changing. My mom lets me parent the way

with my mom, my dad, and my brother. My mom is

that I parent. There are probably things that I

a great cook and she totally passed that down to

do that she doesn’t like or that I do differently

me and I love to cook and my kids and my husband

than she does, but she lets me do it my way.

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I hope my kids will get from me as their mother

its not based on works, its not based on if they

is an ultimate knowing of unconditional love.

do it the way that I would want them to do it, but

That they can make mistakes, that they can live

that no matter what they do, that they’re loved,

differently than maybe I would want them to live

it’s okay to make mistakes and its okay to learn

or make poor choices or make good choices or

in life. [I just want them to know] that their mom

blow it with friendships or blow it in dating, or blow

and their dad just ultimately love them no matter

it playing sports or being awesome at sports.

what. That would be the thing I hope they know.

Whatever they do, there is an unconditional love that no matter how great or how weak or how maybe bad or naughty that they act or how awesome they can be, that there’s that unconditional love. That no matter what they do,

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MaryRose I grew up with my mom working two jobs to

boys, because having a dad in their life, even

support us five kids. My dad was around, but

from afar, was better than no dad at all.

was doing his own thing. I was his little girl and had him on a pedestal. I got whatever I

I met Ed, Carla’s dad, and we instantly fell for

wanted from my dad, and being the youngest,

each other. By this time, my boys were 13 and 11

my brothers were good to me, too. But,

years old and their dad was nowhere near coming

my mom was the provider, the disciplinary,

home. Getting pregnant with Carla I believe saved

and the warm arms I curled into at night.

my life from spinning too far out of control.

I thought when I had my kids things were

Being a mom to a baby girl is a new experience.

going to be different. I thought I would have

Raising a girl is different than raising a boy. She is

a perfect little life with the white picket fence

more stubborn, and so sweet at the same time.

and all; that is what I envisioned anyways. My

She is a charmer and already at such a young age

ex promised me that he was going to build a

knows how to give you those eyes to get her way.

castle around me, and we were going to have

My oldest boy Shadow had a way of doing that.

it all. But, life took a different turn; he got into

My younger son, Stormy is so good with her, and

some trouble and was taken away. I tried hard

is so helpful with her. He plays with her and can

to stand beside him and did for about 13 years.

pull her out of a bad mood; he has her laughing in no time and she forgets what she is mad about.

Then I lost my dad and a brother to cancer. I

With my two boys, I was a single mom. My mom

let grief spin my life out of control, and one

helped me out quite a bit with them, while I worked.

day decided life was to short to be waiting for empty promises. I had told myself at the

This time around I have Ed’s help with Carla, but

time that I was standing beside him for my

it is still a struggle sometimes to find the balance

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“ S e e i n g my k i d ’s h a p p y faces at the end of the d a y s u s t a i n s m e. ” between a split family, having a partner and being

cooked for them every night, and read to them

a new mom. I was always used to doing everything

before they went to bed, and I have for the most

on my own and my way, so even though it has

part, just my house doesn’t look like the perfect

been almost five years [since Ed came into my life],

family’s home. I have made housework the

I struggle with finding that balance and keeping it. I

bottom of my list and my kids needs the top.

went a long time doing everything on my own and not worrying about anyone but my kids and myself.

Seeing my kid’s happy faces at the end of the day sustains me. I have three beautiful children:

My kids are not perfect, but they are mine. They

My oldest is Shadow, he just turned 18, my

don’t get into trouble, and they are respectful

other son, Stormy just turned 16 and my baby

gentlemen. I think I did good, and I can only keep

girl just turned 3 last month. [I love] watching

working to make things right for them all. I wanted

them grow into gentleman, and a little lady, and

to be that super mom that attended all their

knowing we are close and would do anything

school functions, helped them with homework,

for each other. Having my family together and

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safe is what keeps me going. Keeping my family,

someone said they appreciated my boy helping

immediate and extended, close keeps me going.

out at the wake (funeral) and that he was very respectful. That just made me beam, because

I believe my culture has influenced me in many

hearing that, I know they have listened somewhere

ways. In our ways, you never turn your back

along the way, that they have learned something

on anyone needing help. Our door is open to everyone, not just family. We respect our elders,

I pray that my kids have learned to be

children, and always lend a hand. I believe I have

respectful, kind, and hard workers.

tried to instill this into my kids. I try to take my

I hope they have learned to love life, love

kids to cultural events. They have been around the

the mountains as much as I do, and to laugh

elders and been influenced by them as well. They

at themselves and life. I want them to learn

have learned to sit there and take an ear beating

to love people and life to the fullest and love

and learn from the lesson at hand. I had a great

themselves just as much, and to be proud of

compliment on Facebook not too long ago, when

who they are and where they came from

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Felicia I am originally from Ghana. I came here

a mother of one, but of two, you just can’t achieve

initially for schooling and I started raising a

everything at the same time. Sometimes you learn

family here. I have two kids, who are five and

to let go of so many things, and you learn to be

four. They’re names are Aaron and Arnie.

content of whatever you can get. In addition to that, you have to sacrifice lots of your social life for

My favorite part about being a mom is just being

that. I don’t have a real social life, but you know

responsible for another life and looking at that life

it’s not going to be forever. It’s going to be for two

growing up. Looking at them sometimes when

years, or three years. I’ve learned to sacrifice my

they sleep, even though sometimes it’s hard, you

social life. So my social life is my school, my kids.

see that you’re doing a good job. If you’re doing a good job, you know it. That’s my favorite part.

I think the way I raise my kids is influenced

Just looking at them sleeping and learning to talk.

by the way I was raised. I was raised in a culture that used to accept punitive measures,

Every part of raising kids is interesting.

like canes and things. I was caned in school,

You see your kid learning how to talk, and

but my family never did that to me.

saying things funny. Then at a point in time they’ll say to you, “You’re not saying it right,”

When I was growing up, I never hid anything

and at some point they try to become the

from my mom. Whatever I did outside, even if

teachers. It’s so interesting to watch that.

I had killed someone, I knew that when I came home, my mom would accept me no matter what.

Sometimes [I find it hard to be a student and

And that’s how I’m raising my kids: I’m their first

a mom], but I think it depends on how you set

confidant, before any friends, before anyone

your priorities. There are so many priorities in this

outside. I’m letting them no matter what, [even if]

world, and if you’re a student and a mom, not just

what you did was wrong, I accept you. So that’s

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“ B u t, y o u k n o w y o u h a ve my l o v e 1 0 0 p e r c e n t. J u st t e l l me e v e r y t h i n g. ” how I’m raising my kids. You tell me and mommy

them to settle down because they aren’t tired.

will accept you. If you don’t want to go to school

That’s one aspect that I struggle with a lot, and

today, that’s fine, but tell me why, and be ready to

making them go to sleep, which is very hard,

take the consequences. But, you know you have

because I study mostly in the night. So I would

my love 100 percent. Just tell me everything.

like them to go to sleep so I can also have some rest and wake up and study and be able to wake

With my kids, I think the hardest part is when

up in the morning and get them ready for school.

they go to preschool and school. They make them sleep from 1 to maybe 3. So when you’ve gone

Before I came into this country, I used to

to school and you’ve gone to work and you come

be a Jehovah’s Witness, but after coming

home and want to put them to bed, sometimes

into this country and studying and going on

you can’t get your kid to go to bed at 10 because

with my degrees and learning about how the

he’s been sleeping at school. So, sometimes they

Bible is used to manipulate a lot of things,

would like to go to bed at 12, and you can’t get

I reexamined my belief in Christianity.

I believe in God, obviously, I can never say I

time I [read it]. I have an inner strength that keeps

don’t believe in God, but I reexamined my view

me going. I don’t know where I got that from,

of Christianity, which changed the way I value

maybe my mom, but I never know how to stop.

people. My values changed. Now when I’m

When I set a goal for my self, until I meet that goal,

asking somebody something, I ask them what

I never stop, and that’s how I’m raising my kids.

are your values? Values mean a lot more to me right now than Christianity. Before then I used

They still want me to take them to church. They

to believe in Christianity, I believe in God, but

call me at work every Sunday and say, “Are we

through the Christian way of believing in God,

not going to church, Mom?” and it’s so hard

through prayers and whatever that is, those

to tell little boys that we’re not going to church

things sustained me, and reading the Bible.

anymore because mommy doesn’t believe really in church-ism (that’s what I call it) anymore.

But after my second master’s in all those things I dropped the Bible and don’t remember the last

I’m trying to encode hard work in them: that if you

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believe in something, you just have to get it done.

everything about the kids you brought into the

So, I think that’s what is moving me. Once I believe

world. Raising kids involves a lot, it’s everything

in something I think that I should get it done.

you are doing, not just giving them food or clothing, it involves even their spiritual life.

It takes determination to be a mom. You have

I don’t see being a mom as something

to determine that you are ready for it. If you’re a

that should keep women from advancing; it

mom you have to be responsible for the life you’ve

just takes sacrifices. I don’t see it keeping

brought into this world. I think that’s what being

me from doing what I want to do.

a mom looks like. You have to be responsible for

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