The f word no15 by Brandster

First word welcome to our mag

And it is right here, where I say “welcome back”, we missed you and we hope you missed us... So, right into the good stuff. Summer is coming to an end, yet everywhere I go I’m still sweating like a fat chick in a cake shop. Oh yeah. I forgot... Romania only has 2 seasons, so winter will be here in about... Well, your guess is as good as mine. So, Romania’s finest girls came out of the woodwork, gave us all an eye pleasing summer, the beer kept us cool during those bastard hot days (not that we needed any excuse to down a few) and the manic & mayhem of Bucharest traffic shifted to Constanta for a while. Bucharest at its best and on behalf of every man in this city: Summer, we’re gonna miss you. OK, so moving away from sexist remarks... What else is in store for you? If you haven’t jumped on our Facebook page then be sure to do so as we are running great competitions and all you have to do is simply like and

share the posts. We’ll keep them running and they are at no cost to any of our readers or followers; other than the fact we’ll bombard your Facebook page, harass you to share the post publicly and, if you win, post your name all over the place... I’m joking. We’d never think about doing that. If you have an idea for a good competition give away that costs less than key hole surgery on your scrotum, then don’t hesitate to send us an email to: thisideawillhelpyougobroke@thefword.ro If you missed a good read of The F Word, then I can tell you that you’re in for a treat this month

but, as usual, you’ll have to flick through to find out what the crack is and see if it’s funnier than a one legged midget in an ass-kicking contest. If you’d like to see something printed here that you haven’t seen yet, it’s because we don’t do porn. OK, that’s just blatant lies, we all do porn, we just don’t talk about it. OK, that also is very far from the truth! We all do porn, we all love it, we hide it from our significant other and pray we don’t ever get caught. We just don’t print it. So, to sum it up: we all like porn. Happy reading!

Foreign

lin. If you haven’t gone on a trip anywhere up or down the line yet, then I can promise you it’s like a ride you have to pay for. If you don’t want to be tail gated, flashed more than a football fan streaking at a match, then hang in the right lane and stay there. Romania has the highest mortalSo, there’s tottie at the beach, the city is ity rate in the EU as a proportion of its populafull of it and the bad news is that they’re tion, as the study by the European Transport all about to wrap up for the winter and Safety Council (ETSC) shows. Not that that is a leave you needing to be more imagina- real surprise. The report indicates that Romanian roads are eight times more dangerous than tive. That’s right! All the local crumpet any other country in the EU. So be sure to put will soon be gearing up for winter. If on your belt, hope that your air bags work and you’re a local and haven’t picked up pray you’ll never have to find out. The ETSC is a on what I’m writing about yet, then it really is time to get into some good old Brussels-based, independent, non profit-making English slang and give the “du-te in pula organisation dedicated to reducing the number and severity of transport accidents in Europe. mea” crap a break; after all this is the God Bless them. They really have their work cut F word not the “P” word. Although, if out for them here! The challenge... Romania! you’re driving anywhere, you’ll probThey can’t keep up. The mortality rate on Romaably feel compelled to use both. nian roads is 130 people per million inhabitants If you had the pleasure of driving to any destina- per year, in a country whose population is 21.5 tion in Romania, outside of Bucharest, or were million. So, for those of you reading this in a pub a passenger and you made it back alive to read with a pint in your hand, that means 2795 peothis, then God be smiling on you! If you hit the ple per year. And rising!!! It ain’t the poor roads highway here, the drivers go from local twat to either, it’s the “I must be first” attitude adopted Michael Schumacher on steroids, Prozac & Rita- by the locals. If you haven’t yet, but want to take

new in town

the plunge and get behind the wheel here, then we have a few firsthand experience tips for you from a fellow foreigner. Tip 1: Get a GPS and Efficient Map Readers Unless you’ve got a sense of direction like Bear Grylls, then I would not venture out too far onto Romania’s roads without a GPS and a front seat passenger who can read, operate and get the GPS to stick to the windscreen proficiently.

Tip 3: Develop Key Phrases for Driving Safety It’s not uncommon to need to take abrasive action when driving in Romania. Often there are 2 lanes but 3 cars trying to fit onto them, or sometimes 2 lanes but one of them also has a tram track running through it. To ensure we were spatially aware on the road, we came up with the key phrase ‘Lane Creep‘; a technical driving term for Bucharest when the vehicle you’re in may be creeping across into the lane on the right hand side (drivers are on the left of the car). A good shout of ‘Lane Creep’ lets the driver know they need to slowly move back into the lane a bit – avoiding knee-jerk reactions later down the road, when a car comes flying up on the right.

Tip 2: Trust in Thy Co-Drivers Get someone to take the reigns as GPS operators, map readers, refreshment suppliers, general banter providers and key sight spotters. Co-drivers help keep the vehicle on the road, the passengers up to date with trip progress and Tip 4: Corners need Warner’s ensure that those in the seats behind are not in You’d think that a blind corner was not a terribly safe place to pass another vehicle, right? any discomfort (other than alcohol induced). Romanians like to challenge this theory on a trip

10 by trip basis; if there’s a gap, it’s worth a crack. Keeping to the right hand side of most corners is a smart idea, it will help to avoid any oncoming cars who have decided to rip out into your lane as they pass the other car coming toward you. An awareness of this tip combined with a good dose of anti-lane creep should keep you safe. As a co-driver, always throw out a warning to the driver about the potential risks of the next corner. Tip 5: Donkeys are not a Man’s Best Friend Even for an animal loving man, donkeys prove to be a pest on the roads. While we didn’t have any serious coming to blows with the midget 4 legged horses, we saw a number around. Perhaps it’s more the drivers of the donkeys and their carts that would pose the problem. I’d assume that, like those corner passing idiots, the donkey drivers are opportunists too and are more than happy to play a game of car chicken to see how late they can leave it to pull out into the flow of traffic. Tip 6: Police are Your Friends, Don’t Freak Out Many a time I have learned a lesson about what not to do if confronted by a police car. The short version of advice is: if you encounter a police officer on the roads, do not (as much as you are compelled to), turn into a one-way street on which the police car is driving down, so that you are effectively driving at him in the wrong direction. If you think this is the way to do things, you’ll quickly find out that it’s not. The very few times I have done it, it didn’t result in any conversation with the officer in the car, but it does put you back on the straight and narrow and keeping a good eye on your speed. Sub -Tip: Try and find any speed limit signs you can, there are not too many of them meaning you’re never quite sure if you’re speeding or just annoying the cars behind you.

Irish pubs & Expat pubs Once the driving is done, you’ll be in need of a good pub where you can get a touch of home, relax and have a cold pint of something familiar. The only difference will be the old guy on his stool who’s been there since 1945 isn’t there and the birds are fit... Result. However, the bar trade is becoming harder to survive in. It appears that they are just about all but gone. You have James Joyce Irish Pub which is located on Strada Walter Mărăcineanu by Cismigiu park, one of the very last true Irish pubs left in this little paradise. Oscars was a great pub to catch up with a few foreigners, have a good Guinness, play some darts and just enjoy the crack, but like so many other bars that pop up in the old centre, they too have gone. Not leaving many an expat bar to indulge in great degrees of mischievous behaviour. Let’s not forget Mojo’s. Mojo’s are one of the few bars in the Old centre who are expat friendly, who have withstood the test and challenges thrown at them, but also who do it right. If you have not had the privilege as yet, head on down there, ask for Mike the host and tell him we sent you. Actually, if you want to have a good night, best not tell him we sent ya. On a serious note, he will look after you. It’s the one place you will actually find good quality service and cracking entertainment.

Frankly speaking piss take It’s summer and therefore probably time we stopped giving the hollywood celebs such a hard time, so this month I’m going to give you something to ponder and Frankly speaking, this is the F word so I’m going to share this with you as Frank as Frank can be! Well, in all fairness, it’s probably about time we left the celebrities alone and looked at all the ways you can use the F Word. And why not?! Now, if you’re thinking to yourself I saw that in an earlier edition, let me stop you. We did print a joke about the use of the F word, but now we feel it’s time to tell you the origin of it and how we view its use in today’s times. Frankly Speaking that is! As we are “The F Word”, let’s start backwards... Let’s start from today! The modern usage and flexibility of fuck was established by the mid to late 19th century, and has been fairly stable since. Most literally, to fuck is to copulate, but it is also used as a more general expletive or intensifier. Some instances of the word can be taken at face value, such as “Let’s fuck,” “I would fuck her/

him,” or “He/she fucks.” Other uses are dysphemistic: The sexual connotation, usually connected to having a good toss (in the case of “go fuck yourself” or “go fuck yourself in the ass”), is invoked to incite additional disgust, or express anger or outrage. For example, “Fuck that!”, “Fuck no!”, “Fuck off!”, or “Fuck you!”. By itself, fuck is usually used as an exclamation, indicating surprise, pain, fear, disgust, disappointment, anger, or a sense of extreme elation. In this usage, there is no connection to the sexual meaning of the word implied and is used purely for its “strength” as a vulgarity. Additionally, other uses are similarly vacuous; fuck (or variations such as the fuck or fucking) could be removed and leave a sentence of identical syntactical meaning. For example, rap music often uses the word fucking as an emphatic adjective (“I’m the fucking man”) for the word’s rhythmic properties. The word fuck can also be used to express surprise and/or disbelief towards a given statement or a question, most often in the form of “does/is it fuck”, however this usage is more common in British English. The real English.

While neither dysphemistic nor connected to the sexual connotations of the word, even the vacuous usages are considered offensive and gratuitous, and censored in some media; for example, “None of your fucking business!” or “Shut the fuck up!” A common insult is “Get fucked”, which in a non-offensive context would translate as “get stuffed.” The word is one of the few that has legitimate colloquial usage as a verb, adverb, adjective, command, conjunction, exclamatory, noun and pronoun. In another usage, the word fucker is used as a term of endearment rather than antipathy. This usage is not uncommon; to say “you’re one smart fucker” is often a term of affection. However, because of its ambiguity and vulgarity, the word fucker in reference to another person can easily be misinterpreted. Though fuck can serve as a noun, the fucker form is used in a context that refers to an individual. Normally in these cases, if fuck is used instead of fucker, the sentence refers to the sexual ability of the subject (for example, “He’s a great fuck!”), although confusingly in a minority of occasions the word “fuck” can hold exactly

16 the same meaning as fucker (e.g., when preceded by an adjective: “You’re a pretty clever fuck.”). Related to fucker is the word motherfucker. Sometimes used as an extreme insult - an accusation of incest - this term is also occasionally used to connote respectful awe. For example, “He’s a mean motherfucker”. So, now that you know where and how to use it, let’s figure out its origin.

times, when someone would be punished for ‘prostitution’ It was an acronym for the words ‘For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge’ FUCK was written on the stocks that held these criminals because For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge was too long to go on the stocks. Police officers got sick and tired of writing those, um, lessee, 26 characters, not including spaces, so it got abbreviated to FUCK.

is difficult to know whether the annotator intended “fucking” to mean “having sex,” as in “that guy is doing too much fucking for someone who is supposed to be celibate,” or whether he used it as an intensifier, to convey his extreme dismay; The f-word is of Germanic After doing the research it if the latter, it anticipates the origin, related to Dutch, Gerappears the real originality of man, and Swedish words for “to first recorded use by more than the word “Fuck” is vague. One three hundred years. Either is strike” and “to move back and theory is that in ancient Engpossible, really; John Burton, forth.” It first appears, though, land a person could not have the abbot in question, was a only in the 16th century, in a sex unless you had consent of man of questionable monastic manuscript of the Latin orator the King (unless you were in morals. It is interesting as well the Royal Family). When anyone Cicero. An anonymous monk that while the annotator has no wanted to have a baby, they got was reading through the monastery copy of De Officiis (a problem spelling out “fucking” consent of the King. The King guide to moral conduct) when (except for the g), he refuses to gave them a placard that they write out a word that is most he felt compelled to express hung on their door while they likely damned. To this monk, his anger at his abbot. “O d were having sex. The placard damnation is the real obscenity, fucking Abbot,” he scrawled in had F.*.*.*. (Fornication Under the one that can be hinted at the margin of the text. We can Consent of the King) on it. be sure when this was because but not expressed in full. he helpfully recorded the date Another theory is that the word fuck comes from colonial in another comment - 1528. It

Funny as a fart in an elevator jokes So, we’ve given you lots over the last 18 months from funny laws, strange traditions and superstitions right down to the bottom of the barrel; Blonde Jokes. What does that leave us with, I’ve been wondering? I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. - Frank Sinatra Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls. - Timothy Walsh A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her. - Anonymous What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? - W.C. Fields When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? - Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk, and go to heaven... - Brian O’Rourke You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline... it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. - Frank Zappa Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. - Winston Churchill Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. - Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. - Humphrey Bogart I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. - Homer Simpson Here are a few great reasons to allow drinking in the workplace... 1. It’s an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care.

20 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. And as you’re probably reading this in a boozer – try this on for size Things That Are Difficult To Say When You’re Drunk: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You’re Drunk: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You’re Drunk: 1. Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type. 4. KFC? No thanks, I’m not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 7. I’m not interested in fighting you. 8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool! 9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to piss in this parking lot or on the road side. 10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

Fancy a night out then & now If you’ve turned the page looking for all your “what to do on a good night out in September”, then let me be the first to let you down. It’s September. That’s about as interesting as being dead, here. If you’re looking to get out and about and do something different other than getting plastered in the Old Centre, then I’d like to be able to say you’ll be busier than a one-armed paperhanger with the crabs, but you won’t. It’s basically still going to be hotter than having Claudia

Schiffer sitting on your face for the next month or so, so bear that in mind and head down to the coast one last time. There are quite a few interesting things popping up in October & November. If you’re here and kicking about in November, Pablo Francisco is in town on the

4th. He’s funnier than a midget toss, so that should be a good night’s entertainment. Other than that, if you haven’t already, then join ELP. Bucharest is not really the biggest capital city in the world... well by quite a stretch really, but the good news is that once you’ve met a few of the locals, you’ll see that they’re as friendly as old shoe leather is, tough and smarter than a tree full of

24 owls too, by the way. If you haven’t managed to meet many people here, maybe, just maybe, you’re new to town. You are in luck! Bucharest has a little saving grace just for you. It’s called the Meetup. The Meetup is a group of expats and repats. Repats? Yeah, it wasn’t a term I was familiar with until I stumbled upon the group either. It means a local Romanian who has worked / lived abroad and moved back home. ELP is the name of the group. It stands for Exploring Little Paris. Bucharest, many moons ago, used to be known as baby Paris – hard to believe right? If you manage to come across any pics of old Bucharest, then you’ll be able to see why and about 100 years ago, Romania was the 4th wealthiest country in the world. It’s amazing what 45 years and a touch of communism will do to a place! Either way, the group is a bunch of fun, interesting people who love having a good time, being social and well, I’m sure you can kind of guess

the rest. Bucharest likes to host many, many, many events and my God it gets a bit much. At first it’s like “Me... I’m invited... wow, what an honour”. No! Not the case. These networking events are marketed to all the same people and are just another way for someone to take or make some money out of you.

ELP is purely a social night out. No costs other than what you eat or drink, but most times there is a free one or a discount included. If you have been living in Bucharest for a while you’ll know that there is a limited amount of activities other than getting completely sloshed at every given opportunity; which rightly is something we find ourselves doing time and time again (other than the locals)... That’s about all that’s on offer. Yes that was a bit sexist and no... I’m not sorry. You’re more welcome than a fart in a phone box to join. Just go to: www.meetup.com/exploringlittleparis

Food - Restaurants Recipe Did you know there are some people out there that don’t like to eat BBQ ribs? I know! Weird, right? I ran into a few of these weirdos at a cookout one time and I launched into full-on interrogation mode because I couldn’t comprehend the idea of not wanting to gnaw on a pork bone. Turns out both of these people (yeah, real scientific evidence, I know) said that ribs were “too hard” to eat and in fact, they actually like baby back ribs. It’s true, a spare rib tip is a strange cut of meat. There is some delicious

meat to be had on the tip, but it’s a little difficult to get to with all of the cartilage. So, how do we make it “easier” on these poor rib novices to eat a “real” rib? Kiwi style, that’s how!

here so a sharp knife and a cutting board will do. So grab your knife and board and unwrap one of those beautiful racks of pork spare ribs and let’s get to it.

Ingredients: Kiwi style ribs are just pork spare ribs with the ends trimmed off. The process is really easy and it leaves you with a perfect looking rib that is pretty much all meat, making it really easy to eat. Sure, you can get the butcher to cut them, but where’s the fun in that? No, you don’t need a reciprocating saw, we’re talking about cartilage

- 1 rack of spare ribs - BBQ Rub of your choice - BBQ Sauce to finish

Directions: 1. Plop the ribs down on your cutting board with the bones facing up.

30 2. Notice that flap of meat that looks oddly out of place? It is, so slice it off close to the bones to remove. 3. Locate the tips, the thickest part for those of you having trouble, and bend them back towards you. See the joint where they bend? That’s your guide for cutting. 4. Place your knife at the thickest part of the ribs and start cutting through that joint. Notice how the joint tapers off towards the skinny end, just let the blade follow the joint line and you should be fine. There shouldn’t be much work involved since you are cutting through cartilage. 5. OK, now we come to what I think is one of the most difficult things for a first time rib cooker to learn; removing that dang membrane on the back. In general, I like to play the lotto if the thing starts easily and comes off in one piece. It’s rare, but you are having a great day when it does. For the rest of the days, just keep taking it in strips. Start at a corner and use a paper towel to get a grip; then start ripping.

you use store bought. Did you know pretty much done. Second, insert some of the competition BBQ chefs a toothpick between the bones. use purchased rubs? Yeah, way… When they are done, there should be very little resistance. Try it first 7. Let the ribs sit in the fridge for a when they are raw so you can tell few hours or overnight to let the the difference. rub marinate the ribs, if you have time. 9. During the smoking process, I like to spray them down with apple 8. Smoke your ribs for about 5 hours juice every hour or so. at around 100 – 150 degrees. I say “about” and “around” because every 10. Hit them with some good bar6. Now you are ready to rub the pig and every cooker is different. beque sauce about an hour before ribs down. Use your own secret rub Let the ribs tell you when they are they are done. (don’t have one? Search Grillingdone. You can use two methods Companion.com, they have a few to see if they are done, without 11. Present them to your rib novices rib rubs) or something store bought cutting into the meat. First, pick and teach them to wear those barand run them down generously. them up from one end with tongs. beque sauce stains with pride! There’s no shame in your game if If the meat starts to “crack”, then are

Feels like home a touch of home

Missing home? As this is a new chapter to our magazine, allow me to share. This chapter is going to be a reminder for some of us why we left, others glad they did and maybe a few homesick. We’re going to let you in on some funny facts about your own land and just maybe the grass turns out to be a little greener on this side of the fence. This month we’re going to delve right into New Zealand’s nearest rivals. The dirty Aussies! One third of Australia is desert. Australia has the lowest precipitation of the world’s inhabited continents. There are 1,500 species of Australian spiders. Australia has over 6,000 species of flies, about 4,000 species of ants, and about 350 species of termites.

Australia has the world’s largest population of wild single hump camels. There are more than 100 million sheep in Australia. Australia only has 20 million people. Australia has the world’s largest cattle ranch and

36 at 30,028 square kilometres, it is almost the same Australia is the only nation to govern an entire continent. size as Belgium. 90% of Australians live on the coast. Australians from Queensland are called “banana benders.” People from Western Australia are called “sand gropers.” People from New South Wales are called “cockroaches.” The Australian Alps, or Snowy Mountains as they are also known, receive more snow than Switzerland.

Australia produces 95 percent of the world’s precious opals and 99 percent of its black opals. With 25.4 million heads of cattle, Australia is the world’s largest exporter of beef. There are an estimated 40 million kangaroos in Australia. Kangaroo is delicious, just don’t overcook it! Scientists think Aboriginal people have lived in Australia for more than 50,000 years.

No one is really sure how Aborigines came Melbourne has the second largest Greek popula- to Australia. It was most likely via boats from Indonesia. tion in the world. The roof of the Sydney Opera House weighs more than 161,000 tons. The Great Barrier Reef is the largest organic construction on earth. Yulara, the Aboriginal name of the Ayers Rock Resort, means ‘weeping.’ (Which, given their history with whites, is not surprising!) Kangaroo is Aborginee for, “I don’t understand what you’re saying.” Eric Bana is Australian. So is the guy that plays Jason Stackhouse in True Blood.

Aborigines have no concept of time like in the West. There is their “Dreamtime” and now. “Now” has sort of just always been. Australia is the driest inhabited continent on earth. The only continent drier is Antarctica. Australia was founded by English convicts. Aborigines, the indigenous people, now only make up 1.5 % of the population. There are no Tasmanian full-blooded Aborigines left. It used to be legal to hunt and kill Aborigines.

Australia has the lowest population density in the world at two people per square kilometre. Australia’s coastline stretches almost 50,000 kilometres and has over 10,000 beaches.

Sydney is the largest city with over 4 million people, while the capital city of Canberra only has around 300,000.

Films

as fresh as they get! On the off chance you found a ball with a chain attached to it or maybe (as the yanks would say) found yourself going steady with a local here, the chances of you being forced to watch the “Notebook” are as high as Bob Marley was when... well always! So, allow me to break it down exactly what she will make you view... For all those who have already been forced to watch this film (and probably more than once) will fully appreciate this. Revisit the film that reminds you, no matter how much you love each other, you’re both going to grow old and die. The Notebook, from sappy author Nicolas Sparks, is the timeless romance that paved the way for millions of people to form unrealistic expectations of their real life relationships. Meet Ally, an attractive wealthy southern bell whose biggest problem is that everyone adores her. Meet Noah, a poor country boy whose entire family is... dead! When these two find each other he’ll criticise her for being a push over and then constantly tell her what to do. And she will abandon him on numerous occasions. Together they’ll be so indecisive you’ll wonder why they even bother trying. A love, that taught an entire generation of women that it’s perfectly OK to string along a sweet handsome guy as long as you’re able to satisfy your every impul-

sive desire. A movie so generic yet inexplicably popular, it’s basically the olive garden of love stories. And a romance that will make nagging girlfriends ask why aren’t you more like Ryan Gosling? Promoting all boyfriends to ask ”Can we please just watch Die Hard?” Prepare to relive the bad driving, the violence, the shirtlessness, the red dresses, the more shirtlessness, the horrible slurping and the death of feminism. Starring Perfection, Rachel McAdams Apple, newsies, Julia Styles, Joseph Starlin, Fancy Cyclops, James Garnish and some old lady. The movie your girlfriend will make you watch. So, wait he wrote hundreds of letters, but couldn’t pick up the phone and just call her once? Could have saved me two hours! Once you’ve been through that it might be time to revisit the movie that made blowing up American landmarks cool... until 9/11. But now, 12 years later, it’s apparently cool again. Independence Day! The film that answered whether we’re alone in

the Universe by Steven, from all the other films that answered whether we’re alone in the Universe. Featuring the premise from War of the Worlds, the aliens from Alien, the spaceships from V, the dog fights from Star Wars, the Statue of Liberty from Planet of the Apes and the Jeff Goldblum from Jurassic Park. To battle against an alien threat, humanity’s last hope is a ragtag group of survivors, a fighter pilot Steven Hillier, a fresh prince of the air who says cool things even when there’s no one around to hear them. David Levinson, a Jeff Goldblum like satellite engineer. And Thomas Whitmore, the best movie president ever, who channels William Shatner. Prepare to stand up and cheer as they defeat an advanced alien race with a sheet, Morse code, punching, an apple power book 5300 and cousin Eddie. Travel back to a time, when summer blockbusters were fun and uplifting not dark and annoying. In a movie that will trigger more 90’s nostalgia than the front page of

40 Mad magazine. Featuring R.E.M, CD-ROM’s, Data and Fruitopia. Witness a film whose message of global unity means only America can save the world and thrill at explosive action that causally murders millions

of people but won’t hurt Will’s dog. So, prepare to once again watch the screen watching, the sky watching and the speech watching. Starring: Jaden’s dad, President Lone-star, President Laura Roslin, an Apple Genius,

crazy Denis Quaid, Michael Buble Junior, not Jaden, nerdy Fabio, Vivica (not actually a fox) and the best extra ever. Independence Day.

Feeling rough health and beauty

There’s a story about a guy who called his grandmother the first time he cooked a roast. “I did it just like you used to. First, I lopped off the ends of the roast, then seasoned it, added onions and carrots, and put it in the oven for two hours. It was perfect.” “You cut off the ends?” she asked. “Didn’t you?” he countered. “Only when the roast was too big to fit the pan” she said. Old wives’ tales are like that. So, this month, instead of sticking with the usual put some half rotten cucumber over your eyes and voila, you’ll look 10 years younger, we’ve decided to give you something you may have even heard once upon a time...

Don’t go outside with wet hair. You’ll catch a cold. False. Getting chilled does not cause a cold - at least not under laboratory conditions. In one study reported in The New England Journal of Medicine, two groups of people were exposed to viruses that cause the common cold. One group was exposed to the germs in a chilly 5°C room; the other group, in a balmy 30°C room. The result? Both groups caught colds at about the same rate.

Over do it? Have little hair of the dog. False. The 16th century English dramatist John Heywood suggested that the best way to recover from a hangover was to have the “hair of the dog that bit you”, meaning another alcoholic drink. The old wives’ tale and the expression is a spin-off from the misguided notion that you could recover from a dog bite by plucking a hair from the dog and holding it to the wound. Unfortunately, the advice doesn’t work any better for hangovers than it does for dog bites. Drinking your way out of

43 a hangover will only postpone and prolong your misery.

Chicken soup will cure your cold. Maybe not cure, but it will help. It seems that the centuries-old home remedy of the consumption of chicken soup for fighting the common cold is not just an old wives’ tale. Scientists believe that a bowl of the soup may reduce inflammation of the lungs. It is thought that chicken soup slows down the activity of white blood cells that can cause the inflammation.

Put some brandy on your baby’s gums. False. A risky remedy. Forget that old wives’ tale about dabbing brandy or whiskey on a baby’s gums to alleviate teething pain. Even a very small scientist and senior research amount of alcohol can be toxic fellow at Oxford University Dr Alex Richardson and colleague to a baby. Dr Madeleine Portwood, 120 primary-school children with Fish is brain food. coordination difficulties who True. You may have been told were given a mix of omega-3 when you were growing up and omega-6 EFAs over three that eating fish improves your months showed significant brain’s capacity - and there is improvements in school perfornow some proof that this old wives’ tale is true. The reason for mance. Fish oils have also long been shown to protect against this is fish oils, which contain coronary heart disease, as well omega-3 and omega-6. These as Alzheimer’s disease and essential fatty acids (EFAs) rheumatoid arthritis; they have are critical for health, normal anti-inflammatory properties growth and the development which protect blood vessels and function of our brains. In and are also considered helpful a study carried out by neuro-

in reducing stiffness and tenderness in joints.

An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away Nobody seriously believes apples are a magic illness-fighting wonder fruit. Good for you, maybe; delicious in a pie, absolutely. But life saver? Come on. Not so fast. According to researchers at Ohio State University, apples may help fight off everything from cancer to strokes. Thanks to something called phytochemicals, eating a whole bunch allows your body to break down cholesterol

46 study by Oxford University found a high potassium intake around breakfast time increases your chance of having a boy. And guess what? Bananas are the kings of potassium. From a sample of 740 mothers, the researchers found that those on the banana diet had a fifty-six percent chance of having a boy, compared to forty-five Bananas Make Boys percent on a separate diet. An eleven percent difference Let’s say you and your partmay not sound like much, but ner are trying for a boy. You holy hell, when you consider don’t fancy IVF, but are willing to play loose with nature’s the amount of children born each year, that’s potentially rules. What do you do? quite significant. You could try eating all the bananas. A comprehensive twenty percent faster, freeing up your arteries to do important stuff like keeping you alive. This in turn decreases your chance of taking a fatal nosedive into your morning pizza; while increasing your lung capacity to brain blessed proportions. And while we’re on the subject of fruit...

Floats, Flies or rent itF&%#s...

brimmed the tank right to the top, thanks to its weight saving program, it would find its way to the front and vomit it all back out again. And the diet isn’t limited to the interior either. The roof is made from carbon fibre; the back window is made from To the naked eye, most people wouldn’t even spot it. To an lightweight special glass and the boot lid from plastic. The enthusiast, most would struggle to notice the difference and to the ladies... well let’s face it; they’ve already put the floor of the boot, and I’m not mag down because they couldn’t care less. That’s right! It’s joking, is made from cardboard. That’s right! Cardboard. The car BMW M3 CSL. is as light as a buttercup, but A tricksied up, hunkered down, save weight, which is the killer under the bonnet you’ll find the heart of a medieval Manx Dog. in any good car, you don’t get road racer, that’s shaved, If you look at the engine, it will electric seats, you don’t get spruced and originally came air-conditioning, you don’t even near off kill you. They have manwith a £58,000 pound suit. get a radio. Think of it as a BMW aged to squeeze 355 BHP from This, in its day was the most a 3.2L engine. It’s unbelievwith Bulimia. I suspect if you hardcore BMW ever made. To

49 able. To show you how serious BMW were when they released the CSL, the made you sign a disclaimer before you bought one, acknowledging that you understand that the tyres won’t work in the wet or if it’s a bit chilly. Why, you ask? It came out the factory door with racing slicks. What a car! Of course it isn’t especially comfortable or especially quiet, for that matter, and you can’t put heavy shopping in the boot in case it falls through the cardboard floor. And let’s not forget you can only use it when it is hot and sunny and if it is hot and sunny you’ll melt, because there’s no air-conditioning. And if the

rain is on the way, you won’t know, because you can’t hear the weather forecast because there is no radio. Not the most practical of cars then, but when you get out of the towns and villages and onto the highways, it is just incredible. Everything you are expecting when buying this car will be fully superseded by its performance. The acceleration is just fabulously savage, the balance of the chassis on those slick tyres means that you get so much G-Force you feel like your liver is going to move mountains before the rear end starts to slide out. And then there’s the noise it makes. It’s absolutely astonishing. This

car was made with the open road in mind! It is a remarkable machine and, as such, it came with a remarkable price tag. Of nearly £60,000 pounds. Of course, some say it can’t possibly be worth £20,000 more than the normal M3, but this is not the first time BMW have ripped out all the equipment and jacked up the price. Remember the old CSL, the bat mobile that tore up Europe’s race tracks in the ‘70’s? Well, those of you with longer memories may remember they made a road going version of it. You have to love the ‘70’s-ness about it. The chrome wheel arches, long strips and they came in lime green and

orange. You used to get the same wood on the dashboard as you’d get on a Garrard 86SB turntable. Maybe that’s not that important right now, but what is important is that the old CSL came out right in the middle of the 1970’s oil crisis supporting a price tag of £7500 Pounds. May not seem like much now, but back in the ‘70’s that was arguably courageous. That made this lovely little road

car with its lightweight panels and stripped out interior more expensive than the most expensive Aston Martin. On that basis, the new car should cost £180,000 pounds, so at £60,000 pounds it was a bargain. If you want to nitpick the newer CSL, then you’d have to do it when it comes to the centre console. The sport button which makes it more sporty. Why? Why isn’t it just most sporty all the time?

Again, the button to turn the traction control off. Why isn’t it just off all the time? Then there’s the button that adjusts the ferocity of the flappy paddle gearbox. Why couldn’t they have just made it a normal manual? It really would have been so much simpler. Overall though, the CSL really is magnificent. It’s BMW at its absolute best!