THE GUEST EDIT

Ensure your guest list doesn’t grow beyond the size of your big day with these diplomatic pointers

words Elizabeth Chester

The Unbridled

When you begin your guest list journey as a newly engaged couple, you may have little idea of the logistics that lie ahead, and the pandemic has added another element to narrowing down your list. However big your day was looking previously, if you managed to marry within the rules and regulations that surrounded the Covid pandemic, you had no choice but to stick to low numbers. But as things return to some semblance of normality, guest lists can grow again. So, restrictions aside, how do you begin to tailor your list so it’s not just a tally of everyone you’ve ever met?

Family first

A good place to start is family. A wedding day can bring relatives from all over the globe together, so start with immediate family and work outwards. While immediate family members may be easy to include, wider family may become trickier. Being related to someone doesn’t automatically mean they command a place on your guest list, and questions you may want to consider at this stage include: are relationships good? How far will people need to travel? When was the last time you saw them? Did you attend their weddings?

Saying that, if you have the room (and the desire!), a wedding is a great time to reunite family members who may not have seen each other for some time. How about a Zoom catch-up first if you’re not sure how relations have matured over the years? This might give you a clearer idea of whether your romantic reunion will be fond or foul!

When it comes to guest lists, animosity amongst families needs to be handled very sensitively and upfront. Before casual guest list mentions go out like a scattergun, make sure you and your spouse-to-be are clear on who is a definite and who may be a maybe. Talk to anyone who doesn’t get on, and make it clear to any feuders

that their place on your guest list is conditional on good behaviour. If tensions are high, it might be worth arranging a separate mini celebration, before or after the big day, with anyone who you feel may not be able to put any ill feelings aside for your wedding day.

Friends reunited

Yes, we know you promised to be each other’s dress designers when you were 10, but it’s understandable that you might prefer more grown-up designs these days. Friends, of course, are a big part of our wedding days, but try not to launch into your guest list like it was the year 2000. Times and people change. Are the people you promised to party the night away with still a part of your lives? If your friendship groups have matured and diversified over the years, and the numbers are pushing your guest list well over your limit, it might be worth deciding whether to have a few friends from lots of different groups or stick to a couple of groups with more from each group. A single uni friend might struggle if they are reminiscing about the good old days amongst your newbie friends who’ve only known you in your more ‘grown-up years’ and can’t quite imagine you spinning around a sticky dance floor.

If this means numbers start to go in the wrong direction, you may have to rule out any new partners who you haven’t met yet. Or perhaps you could organise a separate get-together for certain groups.

Parents’ pride

Mum and dad’s friends. Ahh. The ones you still see and called Auntie and Uncle, even though they technically aren’t, are probably high up on your list. However, the couple you haven’t seen since you did a recorder recital for them all those years ago might be trickier to fit into an already-bulging guest list. Guest lists can become complex when parents are contributing to the cost of the wedding, so if this is the case, you may have to agree on a set number of guests they can invite (and accept whoever that is).

However, if you are footing the bill, and you have a very open and honest relationship with your parents, broach the subject of their friends not making the grade. If venue size and budget are considerations, be upfront and honest. But if it’s more of a personality clash, and you think they’ll stick out like a sore thumb in amongst the rest of your guests, try to steer around it by suggesting you involve them in another way. Perhaps you could organise a day together where you show them the wedding photos and reminisce about the recorder recital days?!

Colleague conundrum

Work friends can often be good sounding boards during wedding planning, as you can discuss everything from veil lengths to bouquet ideas during water cooler moments and lunchtimes. But do they make the grade on the guest list? Weddings can be emotionally intimate events, so it depends on your relationship with your colleagues.

Do you know your colleagues outside work? No one wants to feel awkward on their wedding day when you realise you’ve only ever seen your colleagues in their power suits and now, you’re sobbing into their arms after one too many champagnes. However, if your relationship with your boss or some of your colleagues is relaxed and perhaps you know each other outside of a work capacity, this might make for a more organic approach to adding them to your guest list.

Don’t feel pressurised for a blanket work invitation though, as this is a quick way for numbers to spiral. Ultimately, if work and weddings really don’t mix well for you, and your guest list is looking longer than a Pronovias veil, organise a post-work drink where those who want to can wish you well.

One-on-ones

Sometimes, acquaintances don’t fit into any of your social groups, and if your guest list is tipping into one-out-one-in territory, it might be wise to organise separate dos for anyone that you’d like to share your happy news with but isn’t a close friend or one of a group of friends. Ideas for these kinds of dos include picnics at the beach or a local beauty spot, afternoon tea somewhere special, a pamper session, an experience like horse riding or go-karting (maybe after the big day!) or a shopping spree.

Between Facebook friends, school mates and everyone in-between, the reality for some may be that you can’t invite everyone you want to your big day – but how you go about managing those relationships is key to a happy and healthy guest list. Just try to remember that those who make it onto your guest list should be the people you really want to share your special day with.