The Pulse 14.7 » February 16, 2017

FEBRUARY 16, 2017

CHATTANOOGA'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE

inside the city's vibrant recording studio scene A MUSICAL RECORDING RENAISSANCE IS UNDERWAY

By Tony Mraz

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VOLUME 14, ISSUE 7 FEBRUARY 16, 2017

CONTENTS 4 12 14

LIVE HEALTHY, LIVE LONGER

Americans spent billions of dollars on flowers, chocolates, jewelry and other gifts this past Valentine’s Day to express their love to family and friends.

IF YOU CAN’T BE YOURSELF, BE BATMAN

When I reviewed The LEGO Movie in 2014, I called it a self-aware contradiction, a cynical yet high quality commercial for LEGOs that would make for a fascinating discussion piece in a media studies class.

NINE DIFFERENT VIEWS ON LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS

The Chattanooga Theatre Centre opened a new play this past weekend. Love/Sick by John Cariani runs in the Circle Theatre through February 26th.

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GENKI GENKI PANIC: LITANIES OF SURF

Some bands offer quality, others offer quantity, a very special few, like Genki Genki Panic, offer both. Easily one of the most prolific bands in the area, GGP has just released their latest EP, Litanies of Surf.

ALSO INSIDE

Breaker 17 Studios

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Chattanooga's Vibrant Studio Scene There is truly no need to go to Nashville, or anywhere else, to record music—the industry is alive and well right here in Chattanooga. Our local studios offer a wide variety of services that can suit the needs of any recording artist.

FEATURED CONTRIBUTORS

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CONSIDER THIS

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MUSIC CALENDAR

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JUST A THEORY

26

RECORD REVIEWS

13

NEW IN THEATERS

28

THE LIST

16

ARTS CALENDAR

28

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY

18

DIVERSIONS

29

JONESIN' CROSSWORD

21

MIXOLOGY

30

ON THE BEAT

Tony Mraz spent the '80s growing up in Dalton before moving to Chattanooga in '95 to attend the Chattanooga School for the Arts and Sciences, which enabled him to earn a scholarship to the Kansas City Art Institute.

Steven W. Disbrow is a computer programmer by profession who specializes in e-commerce and mobile systems development. He’s also an entrepreneur, comic-book nerd, writer, improviser, actor, and television personality.

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • FEBRUARY 16, 2017 • THE PULSE • 3

BEGINNINGS ∙ CITY LIFE

Live Healthy, Live Longer Celebrate National Cancer Prevention Month by living better

By Brenda Fleischmann Pulse contributor

BREWER MEDIA GROUP Publisher & President Jim Brewer II FOUNDED 2003 BY ZACHARY COOPER & MICHAEL KULL

EDITORIAL

Managing Editor Gary Poole gary@chattanoogapulse.com Assistant Editor Brooke Brown Music Editor Marc T. Michael Film Editor John DeVore Contributors Thom Benson • Rob Brezsny Steven W. Disbrow • Brenda Fleischmann Daniel Jackson • Matt Jones • Tony Mraz Ernie Paik • Rick Pimental-Habib Stephanie Smith • Alex Teach Editorial Interns Addie Whitlow • Alex Plaumann Cartoonists Max Cannon • Rob Rogers Jen Sorenson • Tom Tomorrow

ADVERTISING

Director of Sales Mike Baskin mikebaskin@brewermediagroup.com Account Executives Chee Chee Brown • Brittany Dreon Rick Leavell • Cindee McBride Libby Phillips • John Rodriguez Logan Vandergriff

CONTACT

Offices 1305 Carter St., Chattanooga, TN 37402 Phone 423.265.9494 Website chattanoogapulse.com Email info@chattanoogapulse.com THE FINE PRINT: The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer Media and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on music, the arts, entertainment, culture and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publisher may take more than one copy per weekly issue.

The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors.

Contents Copyright © 2017 by Brewer Media. All rights reserved.

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MERICANS SPEND BILLIONS OF dollars on flowers, chocolates, jewelry and other gifts this past Valentine’s Day to express their love to family and friends. But there is a more cost-effective and longer lasting way you can show your loved ones you care: share your knowledge of cancer prevention during February— National Cancer Prevention Month—and throughout the year.

An estimated 600,920 men and women in the United States will die from cancer this year with 14,830 deaths expected in Tennessee alone. But up to 50 percent of cancer diagnoses and 50 percent of cancer deaths could be prevented with the knowledge we have right now.

Exercising, avoiding tobacco, getting recommended screenings and eating a healthy diet are just some of the ways you can incorporate cancer prevention into your daily life.

EXERCISE. One-third of all new cancer diagnoses in the United States are related to being overweight or obese, being physically inactive or having poor dietary habits. Exercise can lower your risk for breast and colorectal cancers—and some research shows physical inactivity may be linked to lung, prostate, endometrial and pancreatic cancers.

Dedicate 30 minutes at least five days a week to exercise.

IF YOU SMOKE, QUIT. Cigarette smoking is linked to 80 to 90 percent of all lung cancer cases in the United States, and is also associated with as many as 13 other cancers, including colorectal, breast, cervical, bladder, oral and esophageal cancers. A smoke-free environment also benefits the health of your loved ones—including your pets!

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“Up to 50 percent of cancer diagnoses and 50 percent of cancer deaths could be prevented with the knowledge we have right now. ” No matter when you quit—and it may take several attempts—you reduce your risk of cancer. Talk to your health care professional to determine the best smoking cessation method for you.

GET SCREENED. Getting screened can help detect cancer early, when it’s easiest to treat. Screenings have been shown to reduce death rates for breast, cervical, colon and lung (for those at high risk) cancers. Visit your health care professional to find out which screenings are recommended for you, based on your health, age and family history.

EAT A HEALTHY DIET. A diet rich in a variety of fruits, vegetables, legumes and whole grains may reduce your risk of cancer. Add more berries, leafy greens or cruciferous vegetables (such as broccoli and cauliflower) and nuts

to your meals.

Limit your consumption of alcohol and red and processed meats, which have been linked to increased cancer risk. If you find it difficult to commit to healthy eating, it is helpful to plan your meals and buy groceries ahead of time to avoid last-minute fast food or takeout.

Share this with your loved ones and support them in making healthy choices. Turn your knowledge into action and make cancer prevention a priority for yourself and your family.

Learn more at preventcancer.org Brenda Fleischmann is the spouse of Representative Chuck Fleischmann and is a member of the Prevent Cancer Foundation’s Congressional Families Cancer Prevention Program. Statistics provided by the Prevent Cancer Foundation®, American Cancer Society and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Consider This with Dr. Rick

EdiToon

by Rob Rogers

“Don’t ask what the world needs.

Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” —Howard Thurman

Swayyvo Morton Is Part of Jazz’s Next Generation The history of jazz is rich in diversity and talent, and some of that talent lives right here in Chattanooga.

Swayyvo Morton, a rapper, performer, producer and musician, who has been playing the saxophone and piano and writing and performing his own music since he was 12 years old, is active in the city’s jazz scene.

On Friday at 7:30 p.m. you’re invited to attend Jazz: The Next Generation Project featuring Swayyvo

Morton at Jazzanooga.

Morton had been working to perform his own music at various locations for about seven years until he became involved with KillinThaStreets (KTS) brand, where he currently produces, writes and performs music.

Morton has collaborated with a variety of different artists in and around Chattanooga, including the up-and-coming rapper, YGTUT. In addition to his involvement at KTS, Mor-

ton also manages his own brand, NoCheckNoRespect (NCNR), where he coined his own producer name, Swayyvohimself, and helps to write and produce music with other artists.

Jazz: The Next Generation Project was established with one goal in mind: to help preserve the roots of both jazz and blues by providing young artists with a venue at which they can showcase their talents.

— Addie Whitlow

I believe we can all attest to these being bizarre times. Just a few weeks into the election and the chaos continues.

Each day brings new, eyebrow-raising, shocking discoveries, from vaguely surreal to downright worrisome.

But the bright side of what’s happening is that people are coming alive!

Using their voices with a passion not unlike our forefathers and foremothers, banding together at a moment’s notice to say, hell no!

Protesting in solidarity (and pink hats) is our constitutional right. And it’s not just about being energized and organized…it’s psychologically healthy and hugely empowering.

Consider what Margaret Mead said, “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.”

— Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D.

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COLUMN ∙ JUST A THEORY

Dealing with Unintelligent Design The argument against the concept of an “intelligent creator”

Steven W. Disbrow Pulse columnist

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HEN CHARLES DARWIN CAME up with his theory of evolution by means of natural selection, the prevailing wisdom of the time was that man had been created, as is, by a supernatural entity, some six- to ten-thousand years earlier. Man, it was said, was perfectly designed and all his constituent parts were perfect in form and function. Incontrovertible proof of an intelligent designer.

So, here then, are five examples of socalled “Intelligent Design” that are, um, not that intelligent at all.

THE COCCYX The Coccyx bone is all that’s left of the human tail bone. That’s right, tail bone.

You see, in the dim, dark past of Earth’s history, we had an ancestor that had a tail.

Think “monkey” tail. Over time however, as our species evolved from tree sitters into plains walkers, that tail became less and less useful, and may have even become a liability.

So, as time went on, evolution selected for those of us with shorter and shorter tails.

Now, all that’s left is the stumpy, vestigial coccyx bone. If the coccyx was placed there by a Designer, he certainly had no idea what he was doing. Unless he simply liked the idea of watching us writhe in pain after falling and breaking the thing.

TESTICULAR FOLLIES If you’re a guy, you’ve had this thought at least once in your life: “Why put them on the outside?”

I’ll tell you why: It’s because that “intelligently” designed body you walk around in is too dang hot on the inside! If your boys lived “inside the house,” all the wee swimmers they produce would die pretty quickly and you’d be hard pressed to actually pass along those genes of yours.

Fortunately, Evolution eventually worked out that the outside of the body was just about the right temperature. Sadly, this means that the crown jewels are under constant threat. Evolution doesn’t actually care.…it just wants to give you the best chance to pass those genes along.

Then again, maybe the Designer is just like us and he gets a good laugh from seeing someone take a whack to the sack.

THE MIRACLE OF CHILDBIRTH Humans have very large brains, which is why we are currently top of all the food chains here on planet Earth. Sadly, the Designer neglected to make the birth canal large enough to comfortably and safely accommodate those impressive brains. As a result, human childbirth is one of the single most painful and dangerous things a human can go through. (At least it was, until midwives and medicine came along.)

For the most part, those big brains are worth the risk. They’ve given us art, math, engineering, physics, civilization and, most importantly, protective cups to keep those testicles safe.

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(I’d take another jab at the Designer for liking to watch humans in pain, but, surely you see the pattern by now.)

BRAIN ON A STALK Speaking of our big brains, what kind of genius puts the single most important organ in the whole shebang on a big bendy stalk? Evolution put it there because we’re predators. So, having the brain and the eyes at the highest elevation gives us a distinct advantage when hunting. But a really intelligent designer what have put it in the butt, safely behind the coccyx. (Well, that’s where I would have put it.)

THE HUMAN EYE Which brings us to the pinnacle of Intelligent Design: The human eye.

Honestly, they’re trash.

I’ve had mine for 51 years now and they haven’t worked properly a day since I was seven. Apparently, mine are too long, so the images don’t focus properly on the bit at the back. And those images?

Upside down. That’s right, the eye is “designed” to put images on the retina upside down. So the brain has to do a whole boatload of extra work just to put the thing the right way up before it makes sense.

And talk about limited! They can only see in visible light, and we only call it “visible” light because we named it. No X-Rays. No Ultra-Violet. Just three color types: “blue,” “red” and “green.” The lowly pistol shrimp, on the other hand, is apparently much beloved by the Designer and was given eyes that can see 16 different types of colors!

And our eyes aren’t even unique.

The current evidence points to eyes of various types having evolved independently at least 50 times over the course of life’s history.

So, there you go. If this “Designer” showed up at my office and whipped out this portfolio of “work,” I’d definitely send him back to school.

Steven W. Disbrow is a programmer who specializes in e-commerce and mobile systems development, an entrepreneur, comicbook nerd, writer, improviser, actor, sometime television personality and parent of two human children.

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COVER STORY

Inside The City's Vibrant Recording Studio Scene

A recording renaissance is underway

By Tony Mraz Pulse contributor

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HERE IS TRULY NO NEED TO go to Nashville, or anywhere else, to record music—the industry is alive and well right here in Chattanooga.

Our local studios offer a wide variety of services that can suit the needs of any recording artist, from amateur to professional, and they are all thriving from a bounty of indigenous talent. Usher is the tip of an iceberg of brilliant musicians in the area, and many of them are turning to studios to immortalize their music.

SOUNDSCAPES One of the newest studios, Soundscapes opened about a year and half ago. Robbie Bivin spent over two years crafting the space, incorporating some innovative construction.

“Something that we have been working on with our studio is getting the sound right in our environment,” Sound engineer Mitch Wood says, explaining the process of “tun-

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ing” a room. “When the construction first started, I did the math, found my standing waves, and designed a diffuser that would tune some of the low mids out of our room.”

A standing wave happens in any rectangular room. This is when a sonic reflection is on the same path as the first path of the frequency.

When this happens, a dB boost of that frequency occurs. Soundscape’s diffuser is built into an entire wall of the studio, and is designed to eliminate these unpleasant waveforms, something you may not have when recording in a home studio.

Still in its infancy, the studio is geared to accommodate any kind of musical project. They are a digital studio, running a Behringer X32 mixer into ProTools. They have a Yamaha Recording Custom drum kit and a ‘68 Fender Rhodes electric piano on site, and are able to rent gear from Metrotone Inc. They have also assembled a formidable team of local session musicians, which are hired guns; professionals who are brought in to play specific parts. Most studios use them,

COVER STORY

BackBeat Sound Design Studio

especially in cases when a singer/songwriter or solo musician wants to have a full band perform their songs. These talented artists include Jonathan Wimpee, Marcus White, Jared White, Danimal Pinson, Ivan Garcia, Tyler Reddick, and Yattie Westfield.

BACKBEAT SOUND DESIGN A studio that works primarily with singersongwriters to create full radio-ready productions can be found at Backbeat Sound Design. Owner Brent Crowe has worked in music production for over 10 years, and during that time he noticed that many artists are unable to record because of the price.

“The biggest thing that I do is full production of music,” says Crowe. “Part of my business plan is to be entirely digital; you can accomplish everything you need to with digital equipment, at a lower cost.”

Backbeat has a minimalist, simple studio set up. Brent uses just the gear needed to get a quality sound, and nothing extra. But despite all the extras, he spends as long as it takes to get a quality product, for a flat rate. Some artists he has done this for are Scott Anderson, Phil Haymaker, Dylan Ireland, Willie G. Wilson, Melyn Thompson, and Angelina Rahbe.

“Backbeat has a minimalist, simple studio set up. Brent Crowe uses just the gear needed to get a quality sound, and nothing extra. ” SOUND RESOURCES For a studio geared toward solo artists, Sound Resources is the place, and one of the area’s most long-standing recording operations. The studio’s owners, co-founders of progressive rock band Glass Hammer, have made a business of working with singersongwriters. They are known for albums with audiophile-quality sound and clear, clean recordings. Their setup is primarily digital, but they can also do analog.

In addition to their recording services, they also offer priceless industry wisdom.

“Artists who are recording with us can rely on our experience,” says owner Steve Babb. “We can guide them through the music

business and steer them away from the more negative aspects of it.”

In addition to recording artists like Amber Fults, Sydney Heath, Savannah Fanter, and Bailey McKee, they have also done work for Motorola, Apple Computer, MTV, and Harper Collins.

BREAKER 17 STUDIO Long-standing professional studio Breaker 17 Studio allows their clients the choice to work with one of two engineers. One specializes in vocally-driven music like pop and rap, and the other in bands. Both have different approaches—for bands, they go primarily analog—for vocal artists, they go digital, mixing everything “in the box.”

Something that strikes their clients is that they feel at home there, the rustic hardwood floors giving the space a comfortable look, with a mural of mountains in the back of the room radiating a feeling of tranquility. Their sound is a warm, rich one that has satisfied a long list of artists, including Adam Dean Mullins, Pack of Wolves, Cody McCarver, and Mary Fletcher.

RED CROW STUDIOS Breaker 17 isn’t the only studio that regards comfort as a key aspect of the recording process.

“I’m constantly told that people feel more relaxed and comfortable at Red Crow,” says Ross Carlson, a Red Crow affiliate.

“By minimizing the stress associated with recording in a high-end studio, an artist’s creativity flows more freely, which results in better performances and ultimately a better finished project.”

Their large recording room is big enough to handle a six-piece band at one time, and has accommodated such artists as Bob Dorough (of Schoolhouse Rock fame), Wayne White of Wayne-O-Rama, the Shaking Ray Levis, and many more, incontinued on page 11

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COVER STORY

The Soundry

At The Soundry, “The focus is on the musicians’ comfort and the art-form, not the gear and the technicalities.” cluding currently working with singer/ songwriter Kelsi Westfall. They also recently recorded Tim Hink’s score for the PBS documentary From Streets to Stage, which won an Emmy just last month.

The microphone cables and headphone cables are all wired overhead and dropped in from the ceiling for a very clean room. Their chief engineer is Tom Johnson, who was the recording engineer for the first three Confederate Railroad albums, and who also recorded Gregg Allman.

Being affiliated with the Shaking Ray Levi Society, Red Crow also has a strong team of session musicians, who include Bob Stagner, Amanda Cagle, Evan Lipson, Ernie Paik and Katina Goad. Their goal is to get the best sounds possible straight from the source with an extensive collection of high end microphones, guitars, vintage synths (Moog, Nord, etc.) and other outboard gear like LA-2A’s, 1176’s, Pultec-style EQ’s, and API/Neve pre-

amps—they also have a huge selection of guitar and other effects pedals.

If their extensive selection isn’t enough, a large array of effects pedals and gear are also available for use in East Ridge at Chattamusic. Since 2009, they have featured such gear as a Hammond B3 organ and a Leslie speaker cabinet, both of which were originally owned by Gregg Allman.

They have a seventies Ludwig Drum kit, Pritchard guitar amps, an early Yamaha Keyboard amp with rotating speaker, and about 25 vintage guitar pedals along with several classic guitars.

“It’s kind of a walk down vintage lane when you come into this place to record,” says ChattaMusic owner Dennis Massengale.

THE SOUNDRY For vintage keyboards, look no further than The Soundry—this makes sense, as owner/operator Brett Nolan is an accomplished pianist. Brett has

been recording professionally in the area for 15 years, but the Soundry was built more recently in 2013. The studio has helped to sponsor the road to Nightfall competition since its inception, offering studio time to the winner.

Brett designed the Soundry with Eric Parker as a digital/analog hybrid.

Only 13 minutes from downtown, in Lookout Valley, the studio has a modern industrial aesthetic that would be at home on Chattanooga’s South Side.

“We’ve done our best to create an environment where people can feel relaxed and creative,” Nolan explains.

“The focus is on the musicians’ comfort and the art-form, not the gear and the technicalities.”

A few artists/bands who have recorded at the Soundry are Danimal Pinson, TJ Greever, Ryan Oyer, The Molly Maguires, Lon Eldridge, Drakeford, Courtney Holder, Amber Fults, Stratton Tingle, Soul Mechanic, and too many more to list.

While the professional recording studio experience is the best choice for most musicians, for some it isn’t viable. Such is the case with Strung Like A Horse, a legendary local band who just opened their own private studio.

They saved money, invested in gear and space, and just this past month started making music at Daaang Studios.

“We didn’t want any more of the money/time pressure,” explains the band’s front man Clay Masselle. “We wanted to be able to use our own time and equipment, in our own studio, to give ourselves more freedom to experiment, so that’s what we did.”

The Strung Like A Horse crew used local horror surf rockers Genki Genki Panic as their guinea pigs in the new studio. Genki’s newest album, Litanies of Surf, was just released with Nashville speed; just a taste of much great music to come from Chattanooga.

Studio Information Soundscapes $50/hr for recording, and mixing is around $100 a song. soundscapes18@gmail.com (423) 488-1360 or (423) 504-3467 Sound Resources Standard rate of $65/hr includes production, engineering, tracking, and mastering.

Able to work with artists to accommodate any budget. www.soundresources.net (423) 892-0618 Backbeat Sound Design Affordable flat rates www.backbeatsounddesign.com (423) 847-2221 Breaker 17 Studio Standard rate of $45/hr www.breaker17studio.com (423) 826-7070 Red Crow Studios Sliding scale, depending on the artist’s financial situation (charitable and philanthropic cases get a reduced rate). www.redcrowstudios.net rossta1@gmail.com Chattamusic $50/hr flat rate www.chattamusic.com (423) 595-3325 The Soundry $50/hr block and day rates available www.soundrystudios.com (423) 903-7945 Awen Audio Design $75/hr for corporate clients, $50/hr for indie films, $33/min of film for short films.

Location sound is from $250 to $500 a day. www.awenaudiodesign.com (423) 298-1929

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FILM & TELEVISION

If You Can’t Be Yourself, Be Batman The LEGO Batman Movie aims to please everyone all the time, comes reasonably close

Dream Big Celebrates Engineering Marvels A new IMAX film challenges everyone to think differently about adjectives like “fastest,” “strongest,” and “tallest,” while inspiring a new generation to think about alternative career paths.

Dream Big: Engineering Our World celebrates the human ingenuity behind technological marvels large and small and shows how engineers push the limits of innovation in unexpected and amazing ways. From the Great Wall of China and the Acropolis to space exploration, Dream Big is packed with epic moments of engineering grandeur. Audiences will be thrilled by the dizzying views of cloud-tickling skyscrapers to white-knuckle trips rocketing alongside experimental vehicles.

When Dream Big premieres this Friday at the Tennessee Aquarium IMAX 3D Theater, however, one the mostengrossing stories it depicts will take place just 39 inches off the ground and at speeds that would barely raise the eyebrows of a crossing guard.

Through the six-story lens of Chattanooga’s biggest screen, viewers will watch 14 students from Houston High School of Science and Technology as they travel half the world away to compete in the 2015 World Solar Challenge Race in Australia.

Thousands of miles from their home in Houston, Miss., the students pit their solar-powered car, Sundancer, against the perils of a 3,000-kilometer (1,800-mile) race between Darwin and Adelaide. — Thom Benson Dream Big: Engineering Our World Opens Friday, see website for showtimes Tennessee Aquarium: IMAX 3D Theater 201 Chestnut Street (423) 266-4629 www.tnaqua.org/imax 12 • THE PULSE • FEBRUARY 16, 2017 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

By John DeVore Pulse Film Editor

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HEN I REVIEWED THE LEGO Movie in 2014, I called it a self-aware contradiction, a cynical yet high quality commercial for LEGOs that would make for a fascinating discussion piece in a media studies class. Without a doubt, the film was well made, but even in its popularity, The LEGO Movie only served to sell more LEGO sets to a new generation of youth.

I don’t say this to disparage the product— I spent many years playing with LEGOs and my seven-year-old has his own fair share. But the entire production felt like a not-so-sneaky and derisive advertisement, rather than purposeful art.

Enter this year’s LEGO film, The LEGO Batman

Movie. At first glance, it is far less cynical but still manages to maintain the same knowing winks towards the audience. While The LEGO Movie discussed themes of consumer culture amid creativity and conformity, The LEGO Batman Movie is a straightforward superhero story that only takes place in the extended LEGO universe in an incidental way.

It’s a parody of the famous Caped Crusader, with LEGOs, with nothing below the surface. It makes half-hearted attempts at developing a few themes, like family and loneliness, and pastes them together with a few clever Bat-jokes, but doesn’t quite reach the strange metacommentary stages found in its predecessor.

Much like comic book Gotham City, LEGO Gotham is plagued by supervillains of all types. One of the funnier parts of the film is the way it lists

FILM & TELEVISION

“Truth be told, comics need a bit of levity. The LEGO Batman Movie provides it in spades.” the long, convoluted, and absurd gallery of rogues from the comic’s 78 year history. Everyone is accounted for—Poison Ivy, Calendar Man, Penguin, Clayface, the Condiment King, etc. etc., all led by The Joker (Zach Galifianakis).

The film begins with a nefarious plot by Gotham baddies to rule the city under threat of blowing the residents up. Of course, Batman (Will Arnett) stops them, saving the day one more time, while reassuring the Joker that they are not in any sort of nemesis relationship—The Dark Knight prefers to “fight around.”

The opening of the film is thrilling and fun, something that will certainly appeal to an audience of children everywhere. The film slows down some after that and never quite regains the frenetic pace set at the outset.

At a retirement part for frequently embattled police chief Jim Gordon (Hector Elizondo), Batman (as Bruce Wayne)

inadvertently adopts a young man named Dick Grayson (Michael Cera) and finds out that the new Gotham Police chief, Barbra Gordon (Rosario Dawson), wants to fight crime more traditionally, with statistics and such.

This, of course, makes no sense to our costumed vigilante. Ultimately, the hubris of the hero leads to disastrous consequences which unleashes a torrent of real evil on Gotham the likes of which Batman has never seen.

As I mention, the story itself is boilerplate Batman. In the previous LEGO film, Batman was characterized in a certain way and this film just continues that characterization.

If you enjoyed that version, which is arguably more entertaining than the brooding version found in nearly every incarnation since Adam West, than you’ll find more than enough in The LEGO Batman Movie to make the movie satisfying.

Certainly, anyone who is a fan of the World’s Greatest Detective will find lots to laugh at as the movie launches into parody after parody. The artwork is sleek and stylish, beautifully rendered with an exceptional eye for detail. There is no doubt that this is a

great looking piece of animation. The performances are excellent as well, with each character seeming unique and rounded.

Yet, it doesn’t quite reach the level of The LEGO Movie. The cynical, barely disguised capitalism of the first film, which was my biggest criticism of it, is missing from The LEGO Batman Movie and in some ways, the film suffers. While I wasn’t a fan of the commercial aspects of The LEGO Movie, its unabashed salesmanship was amusing in an “I can’t believe they’re getting away with this” sort of way. The LEGO Batman Movie isn’t as innovative given its more direct approach.

Not that this matters for the future of the franchise.

There will be years of LEGO movies, focusing on a variety of characters, and each one will be a success. The audience will always be there. Kids love LEGOs. Kids like silly jokes and comic book characters.

Truth be told, comics need a bit of levity. The LEGO Batman Movie provides it in spades.

✴ ✴ NEW IN THEATERS ✴ ✴

The Great Wall European mercenaries searching for black powder become embroiled in the defense of the Great Wall of China against a horde of monstrous creatures.

Director: Yimou Zhang Stars: Matt Damon, Tian Jing, Willem Dafoe,

A Cure for Wellness An ambitious young executive is sent to retrieve his company's CEO from an idyllic but mysterious "wellness center" at a remote location in the Swiss Alps but soon suspects that the spa's miraculous treatments are not what they seem.

Director: Gore Verbinski Stars: Jason Isaacs, Dane DeHaan, Mia Goth

ALL NEW. ALL FOR YOU.

ChattanoogaHasCars.com THE TENNESSEE VALLEY’S MOST POWERFUL AUTOMOTIVE SHOPPING TOOL CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • FEBRUARY 16, 2017 • THE PULSE • 13

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

Nine Different Views On Love And Relationships Love/Sick Director Scott Dunlap talks about romance

Mr. Pim Passes By Covenant College The changing of traditional norms can often cause discomfort, anger, and jealousy. Mr. Pim is a peculiar man that shares no common beliefs on love, art, and marriage.

Although this theatre production is not generally considered serious, the underlying message certainly is. Julie Pretorius, a Covenant College junior who plays the practical Olivia, stated that the show’s main theme is a battle between the heart and the law.

The jovial free flowing traveler, Mr. Pim, drops by the Marden House and impacts the many people he comes across. This weekend the Covenant College Theatre Department will be putting on a performance that depicts the events surrounding Mr. Pim and the Marden household.

Starting at 8 p.m. in the Sanderson Hall Auditorium on the Covenant College campus, A.A. Milne lovers and theatre enthusiasts will be able to witness a college theatre department that is known for putting on good productions.

Professor Camille Hallstrom will direct Covenant College’s production of Mr. Pim Passes By, a play that was originally performed in 1920. Other cast members include freshman Will Payne in the role of Mr. Pim, junior Andrew Lupinek will be playing George Marden, and junior Bethany Hicks will be playing the role of Lady Marden. — Alex Plaumann Mr. Pim Passes By Thursday-Saturday, 8 p.m.

Covenant College Sanderson Auditorium 14049 Scenic Highway, Lookout Mountain (706) 419-1051 boxoffice@covenant.edu 14 • THE PULSE • FEBRUARY 16, 2017 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

By Stephanie Smith Pulse contributor

T

HE CHATTANOOGA THEATRE CENTRE opened a new play this past weekend. Love/ Sick by John Cariani runs in the Circle Theatre through February 26th. We sat down with director Scott Dunlap to find out more about this relationship-driven show.

The Pulse: So tell me about Love/Sick. What is it?

Scott Dunlap: It’s a new play by John Cariani (an accomplished actor and playwright) who wrote Almost, Maine. It’s not a sequel but it’s in the same style. It’s nine short playlets unified by a common theme—relationships. Because I am a friend of John’s we were also able to get a tenth scene that is not published. It’s so new that we’re one of the first nonprofessional theatres to do it.

TP: What is the play about?

SD: It explores the different phases of love— meeting someone, getting married, having kids, divorce—all of the different phases relationships go through. It’s written professionally to be done with four people.

We have a cast of fifteen: Chris Barr, Jeremy Campbell, Maria Chattin, Krista Cope, Jordan Dickenson, Josh Garcia, Kelseigh Garrett, Maggie Hudgens, Nneka Ijeoma, Anthony Mrotek, Tim Newland, Amy Smith, Christian Smith, Nathan Tulles, and Dawn Wilson.

A couple of the actors have two scenes, but casting like this not only gives more people the opportunity to work, it allows the actors to focus on their one scene and later see how they fit into the big picture.

All the scenes happen on June 17th at 7:30 in the evening. Something I like to think about

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

“It’s sort of a romantic comedy but not everything has a happy ending or is squeaky clean. Relationships aren’t cut and dried.” is that you and I are having this conversation and somewhere else in the world someone is having the best day of their life and someone else is having the worst day of their life. It’s a unique way to look at a play. All of these things are happening at the same moment.

TP: How would you categorize the play? Is it a drama or a comedy?

SD: It’s both actually. It’s sort of a romantic comedy, but not everything has a happy ending or is squeaky clean. Relationships aren’t cut and dry. Almost, Maine lives in an innocent place and this is sort of jaded.

You will probably laugh and then immediately feel bad for laughing. There’s a lot of good sad feelings. You will really connect with the

characters and their stories.

One of the things the cast and I have been talking about is how common this style of comedy is right now—the play is like the style of the movie Amelie—it’s romantic but the twist is that it’s a little sad.

This is something that has been creeping up more and more in entertainment recently.

TP: What kind of audience are you pitching this show to?

SD: One of the things we were able to do with casting lots of actors in a wide range of ages is cast the scenes to play to a variety of audiences. I felt like the earlier scenes addressed young love and the later ones were about more mature love.

If you’ve ever fallen in love, been in a relationship, gotten married— you can identify. The scenes are all two person scenes and as we put it all together everyone could really relate to every scene even though there’s a twenty-year age differ-

ence in the cast.

TP: What are the sets and costumes like?

SD: Because it’s about the evolution of relationships and very cyclical, we’re doing it in the round. The scenes are blocked from different angles. We used romantic color palettes—lots of lush red—and worked on how to indicate with music that all of these things are happening at the same time.

There are hanging houses from the ceiling so you get the idea that you’re eavesdropping on the conversations.

It’s very beautiful.

One of the reasons perhaps that we chose this play is because of John. He writes things that are simple to do. Simple props and costumes.

It’s really about the characters.

I always hate when you work on some small technical thing and it’s gone in a moment. This isn’t like that.

TP: You’ve described the play very simply. What do you think the audience will get from this?

SD: They’ll have their favorite scenes and their favorite characters.

It’s not overly complicated. It’s a nice night at the theatre. It’s nice to have that sometimes.

For more information about Love/ Sick or to order tickets, visit theatrecentre.com or call the box office (423) 267-8534 (open Tuesday through Friday from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.).

THU2.16 Artist Reception

Come meet and see the latest works from talented artsits Meredith Middleton and Renel Plouffe.

5 p.m.

Reflections Gallery 6922 Lee Hwy. (423) 892-3072 reflectionsgallerytn.com

FRI2.17 Million Dollar Quartet

The real life story of the legendary meeting of Jerry Lee Lewis, Elvis, Johnny Cash and Carl Perkins.

7:30 p.m.

Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 987-5141

SAT2.18 HullaBOWLoo

The Chattanooga Area Food Bank's signature fundraising event and one heck of a party!

7 p.m.

Wilson Air Center 932 Jubilee Dr. (423) 622-1800 chattfoodbank.org

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • FEBRUARY 16, 2017 • THE PULSE • 15

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT CALENDAR

BIG, The Musical

THURSDAY2.16 Ooltewah Farmers Market 3 p.m.

Ooltewah Nursery 5829 Main St. (423) 238-9775 ooltewahnursery.com Signal Mountain Farmers Market 4 p.m.

Pruett’s Market 1210 Taft Hwy. (423) 902-8023 signalmountainfarmersmarket.com Meredith Middleton & Renel Plouffe Artist Reception 5 p.m.

Reflections Gallery 6922 Lee Hwy. (423) 892-3072 reflectionsgallerytn.com PSC Presents Bill Fortney 7 p.m.

St. John’s United Methodist 3921 Murray Hills Dr. (423) 892-2257 beta.sceniccity.org Love/Sick 7 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8538 theatrecentre.com BIG, The Musical 7 p.m.

Center for Creative Arts 1301 Dallas Rd. (423) 2095-929 centerforcreativearts.net Chicago 7:30 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre

16 • THE PULSE • FEBRUARY 16, 2017 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

709 Broad St. tivolichattanooga.com I Less Than 3 You 7:30 p.m.

The Venue Creekside 527 W. Inman St. (423) 472-8896 thevenuecreekside.com Spanky Brown 7:30 p.m.

The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com James and the Giant Peach 7:30 p.m.

Colonnade Center 264 Catoosa Cir. (706) 935-9000 colonnadecenter.org

FRIDAY2.17 Chattanooga Market at Erlanger 10:30 a.m.

Erlanger Hospital Medical Mall 975 E. 3rd St. chattanoogamarket.com Dream Big Premiere 6:30 p.m.

Tennessee Aquarium IMAX 201 Chestnut St. (800) 262-0695 tnaqua.org Kathleen Madigan “Bothering Jesus Tour” 7 p.m.

Track 29 1400 Market St. (423) 521-2929 track29.co Aces!

7 p.m.

Stratton Hall 3146 Broad St. (423) 266-6918 strattonhall.com BIG, The Musical 7 p.m.

Center for Creative Arts 1301 Dallas Rd. (423) 2095-929 centerforcreativearts.net Chicago 7:30 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. tivolichattanooga.com Million Dollar Quartet 7:30 p.m.

Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 987-5141 I Less Than 3 You 7:30 p.m.

The Venue Creekside 527 W. Inman St. (423) 472-8896 thevenuecreekside.com Spanky Brown 7:30, 9:45 p.m.

The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com James and the Giant Peach 7:30 p.m.

Colonnade Center 264 Catoosa Cir. (706) 935-9000 colonnadecenter.org Greater Tuna 8 p.m.

Signal Mountain Playhouse 1104 James Blvd.

(423) 886-5243 smph.org Love/Sick 8 p.m.

SPOTLIGHT: SPANKY BROWN Versatility and style best describe comedian Spank Brown. Providing laughs that transcend all barriers—age, gender, urban or mainstream— his humor appeals to all audiences.

Spanky Brown The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT CALENDAR

Luna Gale Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8538 theatrecentre.com

SATURDAY2.18 Chattanooga Coffee Festival 9 a.m.

Convention Center 1150 Carter St. (423) 756-0001 chattanoogaconventioncenter.org St. Alban’s Hixson Market 9:30 a.m.

St. Alban’s Episcopal Church 7514 Hixson Pike (423) 842-6303 Northside Farmers Market 10 a.m.

Northside Presbyterian Church 923 Mississippi Ave. (423) 266-7497 Brainerd Farmers Market 11 a.m.

Grace Episcopal Church 20 Belvoir Ave. (404) 245-3682 Million Dollar Quartet 2:30, 7:30 p.m.

Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 987-5141 Chattanooga Heart Ball 6 p.m.

The Chattanoogan 1201 S. Broad St. (423) 763-4400 heart.org Maya Angelou: And Still I Rise 6 p.m.

Jazzanooga Arts Space

431 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 402-0452 jazzanooga.org BIG, The Musical 7 p.m.

Center for Creative Arts 1301 Dallas Rd. (423) 2095-929 centerforcreativearts.net HullaBOWLoo 7 p.m.

Wilson Air Center 932 Jubilee Dr. (423) 622-1800 chattfoodbank.org James and the Giant Peach 7:30 p.m.

Colonnade Center 264 Catoosa Cir. (706) 935-9000 colonnadecenter.org Spanky Brown 7:30, 9:45 p.m.

The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com Love/Sick 8 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8538 Head Over Heels 8 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5580 tivolichattanooga.com Greater Tuna 8 p.m.

Signal Mountain Playhouse 1104 James Blvd.

(423) 886-5243 smph.org

SUNDAY2.19 Million Dollar Quartet 2:30 p.m.

Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 987-5141 Love/Sick 2:30 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8538 Spanky Brown 7:30 p.m.

The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

MONDAY2.20 Red Bank Farmers Market 3 p.m.

Red Bank United Methodist 3800 Dayton Blvd.

(423) 838-9804

TUESDAY2.21 East Brainerd Farmers Market 4 p.m.

Audubon Acres 900 N. Sanctuary Rd. (423) 838-9804 lookoutfarmersmarket.com A Musical History of Joe Hill & The Early Labor Movement 5:30 p.m.

IBEW Local 175 Union Hall 3922 Volunteer Dr.

ibew175.org On Point’s Annual Dinner: An Evening of Hope 6:30 p.m.

Convention Center 1150 Carter St. (423) 756-0001 liveonpoint.org Celebration of Differences 6:30 p.m.

The Camp House 149 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 702-8081 thecamphouse.com Luna Gale 7:30 p.m.

UTC Fine Arts Center 752 Vine St. (423) 425-4374 utc.edu/fine-arts-center

WEDNESDAY2.22 Black Coffee Discussion Series 8 p.m.

Jazzanooga Arts Space 431 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 402-0452 Main Street Market 4 p.m.

325 E. Main St. mainstfarmersmarket.com Luna Gale 7:30 p.m.

UTC Fine Arts Center 752 Vine St. (423) 425-4374 utc.edu/fine-arts-center Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@chattanoogapulse.com CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • FEBRUARY 16, 2017 • THE PULSE • 17

OPINIONS & DIVERSIONS

18 • THE PULSE • FEBRUARY 16, 2017 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • FEBRUARY 16, 2017 • THE PULSE • 19

20 • THE PULSE • FEBRUARY 16, 2017 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

FOOD & DRINK ∙ MIXOLOGY

Hard Soda Making A Big Splash Hard Sodas are pushing the boundaries of the craft beer movement

By Addie Whitlow Pulse contributor

A

H, AMERICA: THE PLACE WHERE liquor, beer and cocktails just simply aren’t enough. We like to have choices, which is completely understandable, and that’s one of the main reasons the hard soda market has become such a popular endeavor by people who may not like beer, prefer drinks with a variety of tasty flavors, or are simply interested in trying something new.

Hard sodas, as the name suggests, are alcoholic beverages that are crafted to taste similar to the classic sodas we know and love. Hard sodas are technically a form of “craft beer” (but don’t let that scare you off) that are created in the style of a soft drink. Some of the leading brands in the hard soda industry include Not Your Father’s, Henry’s Hard, Best Damn and Coney Island.

The brand that helped set the hard soda market into motion was Not Your Father’s Root Beer. It’s brewed by Small Town Brewery and was released for a second time in 2015, which is when it really took off. Pabst isn’t the only beer producer getting in on the hard soda market, though; MillerCoors, Anheuser-Busch and Boston Beer are also crafting their own line of hard sodas to compete with Not Your Father’s.

When it comes to the way in which hard sodas are actually brewed, there are two different types, according to Allison Hageman of outandaboutnow.com. There are malt beverages, like Best Damn and Henry’s, and then there are gruit ales, like Not Your Father’s.

Flavored malt beverages are fermented, like beer, but they have flavors added in to create the taste of soda. On the contrary,

gruit ales are brewed with spices and botanicals but without hops, giving them the taste of soda instead of the taste of beer.

The flavors of hard sodas available in the hard soda market have grown substantially since Not Your Father’s Root Beer took off in 2015.

Some of the most popular and wellknown are root beer (of course), ginger ale and orange soda. Now that the market has made a name for itself in the alcohol industry, there’s even cherry cola, ginger beer and spiked seltzers, to name just a few.

However, no discussion on hard soda would be complete if I didn’t offer an analysis on some of the different brands and flavors, so in the spirit of sampling the hard soda market, I stopped at a local conve-

nience store and purchased a few on my way home.

The three flavors selected were Henry’s Hard Ginger Ale, Henry’s Hard Orange Soda, and Best Damn Root Beer. Henry’s Hard

most of the alcohol taste, but ranging between 4.2 and 5.9 percent alcohol by volume, all hard sodas on the market have a bit of a kick, reminding us that we are, unfortunately, adults now; however, we all deserve an adult version of our favorite childhood soft drinks every now and then.

Although I didn’t quite manage to sample every hard soda on the market, if the three I did try are any indication of the rest of the market, then I can definitely understand why hard soda has taken off as quickly as it has.

Giving people who may not like beer, or who are simply interested in trying something new, an alternative that tastes like the sodas we all know and love means that the future of hard sodas is surely promising.

“Hard sodas, as the name suggests, are alcoholic beverages that are crafted to taste similar to the classic sodas we know and love.”

Ginger Ale was my favorite of the three. I’ve always loved the taste of ginger ale, and adding in alcohol was the correct move; thanks, Henry’s Hard. The orange soda and root beer were also both quite tasty and full of flavor.

The flavors were extremely reminiscent of those we know and love from our childhoods. The soda flavor did an excellent job of masking

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • FEBRUARY 16, 2017 • THE PULSE • 21

MUSIC

Genki Genki Panic: Litanies Of Surf Our favorite Luchador-masked surf rockers are back

Muddy Magnolias Meld Country & Soul The influences of both New York and Texas come together to create the rich vocal harmonies and deep blues melodies that stylize the Nashville-based duo Muddy Magnolias.

While combining soul and country is certainly not an easy feat, Muddy Magnolias does a stellar job of doing just that on their debut album, Broken People, and they’ll be performing songs from the 11-track album at the Revelry Room this coming Wednesday at 9 p.m.

Although Jessy Wilson and Kallie North, the duo’s two members, come from diversely different backgrounds, there’s one similarity they do share: a passion for music.

North was raised in Texas, where she grew up singing in church choirs and fostering a love of vocally rich harmonies.

Wilson grew up in Brooklyn, and attended some of New York’s top performing arts schools and worked with John Legend for four years. The duo met in Nashville while trying to figure out how to move forward with their music careers, and it was then that their futures took off.

Broken People is an emotionally raw and poetically beautiful collection of songs written and performed by Wilson and North. Each track is centered on a variety of themes, such as the need for love and hope for the future, making Muddy Magnolias a show you definitely don’t want to miss. — Addie Whitlow Muddy Magnolias Wednesday, 9 p.m.

The Revelry Room 41 Station Street (423) 521-2929 www.revelryroom.co 22 • THE PULSE • FEBRUARY 16, 2017 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

By Marc T. Michael Pulse Music Editor

S

OME BANDS OFFER QUALITY, OTHERS offer quantity, a very special few, like Genki Genki Panic, offer both. Easily one of the most prolific bands in the area, GGP has just released their latest EP, Litanies of Surf, and once again the men in masks have demonstrated a mastery of style that allows them to take surf music and do whatever they hell they want to with it.

Like their earlier releases, Litanies of Surf showcases their trademark sense of humor with track titles like “Ghouls of Film,” “Radon Chong,” and “House of Dank Shadows.” I’m a sucker for wordplay and anyone who thinks puns are the lowest form of humor has never been to an open mic

comedy night.

Funny titles aside, the songs are fresh and well done and it is a testament to the band and their commitment to the genre that they can take what might be seen as a limiting niche, and manage to build and expand on it in new and entertaining ways.

“Ghouls on Film” is the opening track and probably my favorite as it is chock full of Oingo Boingo goodness. It might just as well serve as an alternative soundtrack to “Forbidden Zone,” for all its weird modes and unusual chord shifts.

It’s no Elfman knockoff by any means, but I’d wager that Elfman himself would have to stop and think, “Huh, when did I write that?” if he heard it today. Like so much of the band’s work, this tune highlights their affinity for breakneck speed and

MUSIC

“The boys are masters of instrumental music and as they continue to grow and evolve I think there will have to be some more inclusive label than ‘surf music’,” unearthly precision. This band is tight.

“House of Dank Shadows” has more of a hard rock edge to it than I am accustomed to hearing from the band, at least the intro sets the tune up that way.

After the opening bars, it becomes clear that this is not so much hard rock as Genki Genki Panic’s version of hard rock and that is especially worthwhile.

I have to assume that the use of what sounds like a traditional guiro is simply the band’s stab at cashing in on that whole “World Music” craze the kids are always on about and I, for one, salute the tasteful use of traditional ethnic instruments.

“Sexy Harambe Frankenstein” bursts out of the gate like Phil Spector on meth, an unstoppable wall of energy in which a guitar is made to sound (at times) precisely like a 1979 Asteroids arcade machine. A sonic punch to the nads, it is the shortest track on the disc and sounds like an Impressionist painter’s view of a mosh pit, if the mosh pit were held in the middle of a busy city street under alien attack.

“If You Want C.H.U.D. You Got It” has funk in its soul. The bass is all

kinds of slippery/nasty groove while the guitar takes a more traditional middle-eastern sounding approach. The combination of the two elements is unexpected, but well done, another “Aha!” moment from the band’s repertoire.

Likewise, “Radon Chong,” my favorite track title for…reasons, has some funked up bass and by god, there is something akin to a “big band” breakdown in the middle of the tune that is just delightful. It doesn’t hurt that melodically the tune reminds of the Inspector’s Theme from the old Pink Panther cartoon.

“Get Out of My Dreams and Into My Hearse” is the final track on the EP and my assessment of the tune is basically how I would sum up the band; every bit as technically impressive as speed metal, but a thousand times more listenable and melodic.

The boys are masters of instrumental music and as they continue to grow and evolve I think there will have to be some more inclusive label than “surf music,” for though they are indeed a surf music band, they are much more and each successive release only reinforces that impression.

Litanies of Surf is available now on bandcamp or wherever fine local surf bands are sold.

Chattanooga Girls Rock This Sunday 2016 saw the first ever Girls Rock Camp in Chattanooga and by any standard it was a resounding success. Participation by volunteers and attendees was high and the love and support shown by the community was exceptional.

If you’re out of the loop, Chattanooga Girls Rock is a non-profit group that gives girls aged nine to seventeen the opportunity to spend a week at a summer day camp where they select the instrument of their choice and receive instruction in playing and songwriting, form bands, and ultimately cap-off the week with live performances of their original material.

There are some exciting upcoming announcements regarding this year’s camp, but the most pertinent announcement this week is the upcoming benefit sponsored by Mellow Mushroom on behalf of CGR. On Sunday, both Mellow

Mushroom locations (Hamilton Place and downtown) will be donating 10 percent of all sales that day to CGR. Furthermore, the downtown location will be hosting live performances from Ashley and the X’s, Get Hot or Go Home, and Heatherly as well as some special performances by last year’s CGR alumnae.

There is a $5 admission fee, all proceeds go to benefit CGR and the show runs from 5 p.m. to 8 p.m. — Marc T. Michael

THU2.16

FRI2.17

SAT2.18

Keepin’ It Local

MPH Release Party

Freddy’s Finest

Get a laid-back start to the weekend at Warehouse Row's friendliest watering hole with some great live acoustic music.

8 p.m.

The Social 1110 Market St. publichousechattanooga.com

Hear Mark “Porkchop” Holder & MPH's debut album, Let it Slide, along with Richard James and Resurrection Mary.

10 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com

One of Atlanta's best original southern soul, funk and blues bands ignites Main Street for a searing live show.

10 p.m.

Clyde’s On Main 122 W. Main St. clydesonmain.com

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • FEBRUARY 16, 2017 • THE PULSE • 23

LIVE MUSIC CALENDAR

Drivin’ N Cryin’

THURSDAY2.16 James Crumble Trio 6 p.m.

St. John’s Meeting Place 1278 Market St. stjohnsrestaurant.com Rick Rushing Blues Jazz N’ Friends 6 p.m.

Bluewater Grille 224 Broad St. bluewaterchattanooga.com Forever Bluegrass 6 p.m.

Whole Foods Market 301 Manufacturers Rd. wholefoodsmarket.com Prime Country Band 6:30 p.m.

Motley’s 320 Emberson Dr. Ringgold, GA (706) 260-8404 Jimmy Harris 7 p.m.

The Coconut Room 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Bluegrass Thursdays 7:30 p.m.

Feed Co. Table & Tavern 201 W. Main St. feedtableandtavern.com Jesse James & Tim Neal 7:30 p.m.

Mexi-Wing VII 5773 Brainerd Rd. mexi-wingchattanooga.com Keepin’ It Local 8 p.m.

The Social 1110 Market St.

24 • THE PULSE • FEBRUARY 16, 2017 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

publichousechattanooga.com Isaiah Rashad, Lance Skiiwalker, Jay IDK 9 p.m.

Revelry Room 41 Station St. revelryroom.co Open Mic with Hap Henninger 9 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com

FRIDAY2.17 Swayyvo Morton 7:30 p.m.

Jazzanooga Arts Space 431 E. MLK Blvd. jazzanooga.org Katelyn Emerson 7:30 p.m.

St. Paul’s Episcopal Church

305 W. 7th St. stpaulschatt.org John Cowan, Darin & Brooke Aldridge 8 p.m.

Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave. barkinglegs.org Priscilla & Lil Rickee 8:30 p.m.

The Foundry 1201 Broad St. chattanooganhotel.com The Hopeful Country Band 8:30 p.m.

Motley’s 320 Emberson Dr. Ringgold, GA (706) 260-8404 Drivin’ N Cryin’, The Travelin’ Kine 9 p.m.

Revelry Room 41 Station St.

SPOTLIGHT: THE AQUADUCKS A high octane funk and soul band with a live energy that is rarely matched, Nashville's Aquaducks take the stage Friday night along with Downright for a great start to the weekend.

The Aquaducks Friday, 10 p.m.

Clyde’s On Main 122 W. Main St. clydesonmain.com

revelryroom.co Ironchief 9 p.m.

Ziggy’s Bar and Grill 607 Cherokee Blvd. ziggysbarandgrill.net Irenka* 9 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com Courtney Holder 9 p.m.

Puckett’s Grocery and Restaurant 2 W. Aquarium Way puckettsgro.com/chattanooga MPH Release Party 10 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com The Aquaducks, Downright 10 p.m.

Clyde’s On Main 122 W. Main St. clydesonmain.com Chase Martin 10 p.m.

Raw Bar & Grill 409 Market St. rawbarandgrillchatt.com Tyson Leamon 10 p.m.

Bud’s Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. budssportsbar.com

SATURDAY2.18 My Father’s War 8 p.m.

Charles & Myrtle’s Coffeehouse

LIVE MUSIC CALENDAR

The Larry Keel Experience 105 McBrien Rd. christunity.org Leaving Babylon, Trapaw, Tyrant, Deaf Kings 8 p.m.

Ziggy’s Bar and Grill 607 Cherokee Blvd. ziggysbarandgrill.net Priscilla & Lil Rickee 8:30 p.m.

The Foundry 1201 Broad St. chattanooganhotel.com Drakeford 9 p.m.

Puckett’s Grocery and Restaurant 2 W. Aquarium Way puckettsgro.com/chattanooga The Larry Keel Experience 9 p.m.

Revelry Room 41 Station St. revelryroom.co Danimal Planet, Creature Comfort 10 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com Freddy’s Finest 10 p.m.

Clyde’s On Main 122 W. Main St. clydesonmain.com Andy Liechty 10 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com Chase Martin 10 p.m.

Raw Bar & Grill 409 Market St.

rawbarandgrillchatt.com Tyson Leamon 10 p.m.

Bud’s Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. budssportsbar.com

SUNDAY2.19 Von Wamps 11 a.m.

Flying Squirrel Bar 55 Johnson St. flyingsquirrelbar.com Bird and the Bear 1:30 p.m.

Flying Squirrel Bar 55 Johnson St. flyingsquirrelbar.com Chattanooga Girls Rock Benefit 5 p.m.

Mellow Mushroom 205 Broad St. mellowmushroom.com Open Mic with Jeff Daniels 6 p.m.

Long Haul Saloon 2536 Cummings Hwy. (423) 822-9775 David Dondero 7 p.m.

The Woodshop 5500 St. Elmo Ave. (423) 991-8876

MONDAY2.20 Open Mic Night 6 p.m.

Puckett’s Grocery 2 W. Aquarium Way

puckettsgro.com Monday Nite Big Band 7 p.m.

The Coconut Room 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Very Open Mic with Shawnessey Cargile 8 p.m.

The Well 1800 Rossville Blvd. #8 wellonthesouthside.com Open Air with Jessica Nunn 7:30 p.m.

The Granfalloon 400 E. Main St. granfalloonchattanooga.com Divorce Ring, Equalityisafalsegod, The Flesh Void, Rurnt 8 p.m.

Ziggy’s Bar and Grill 607 Cherokee Blvd. ziggysbarandgrill.net Rorey Carrol, Bohannons 10 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com

TUESDAY2.21 Bill McCallie and In Cahoots 6:30 p.m.

Southern Belle Riverboat 201 Riverfront Pkwy. chattanoogariverboat.com Open Mic with Mike McDade 8 p.m.

Tremont Tavern 1203 Hixson Pike tremonttavern.com

WEDNESDAY2.22 No Big Deal 6 p.m.

SpringHill Suites 495 Riverfront Pkwy. springhillsuites.com Tyson Leamon 8 p.m.

Bud’s Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. budssportsbar.com Joel Clyde 8 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com Priscilla & Little Rickee 8 p.m.

Las Margaritas 1101 Hixson Pike (423) 756-3332 xxx 8 p.m.

Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave. barkinglegs.org Prime Cut Trio 9 p.m.

The Palms at Hamilton 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Muddy Magnolias, Heatherly 9 p.m.

Revelry Room 41 Station St. revelryroom.co Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@chattanoogapulse.com CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • FEBRUARY 16, 2017 • THE PULSE • 25

RECORD REVIEWS ∙ ERNIE PAIK

Mistakes on Purpose (Éthiopiques 30), Love Mirage

Girma Bèyènè & Akalé Wubé Mistakes on Purpose (Éthiopiques 30) (Buda Musique)

T

he two-decade-strong Éthiopiques series on the French label Buda Musique has shone a light on the fruitful output of Ethiopia in the ‘60s and ‘70s, with strikingly fresh amalgams of traditional flavors infused in Western-world genres including jazz (such as Mulatu Astatke’s “Ethio-jazz”), funk and soul. Éthiopiques Volume 30, entitled Mistakes on Purpose, pairs pianist Girma Bèyènè—who can be heard on the very first Éthiopiques collection—with the Paris-based Ethio-revivalists Akalé Wubé. This isn’t the first time contemporary material has been released under the Éthi-

Fancey Love Mirage (Stoner Disco) opiques banner—for example, there have been new collaborations between Ethiopian legends and the Boston jazz group Either/Orchestra—and it’s all in line with the series’ classic “Golden Years” aesthetic.

Mistakes on Purpose is a welcome return for Bèyènè, who has been out of the spotlight for 25 years, and with the exception of one Akalé Wubé original, the album features Bèyènè’s compositions arranged by Akalé Wubé.

Perhaps the best-known track is the oft-covered “Muziqawi Silt” that oozes funk, which was popularized by keyboardist Hailu Mergia and Walias Band, of which Bèyènè was a mem-

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ber; the rendition here is pretty irresistible, with a tight brass/ sax riff, a slow-burn electric guitar and a flurry of percussion toward the end.

When Bèyènè sings, he does so gingerly, with the vocals upfront in the mix; his piano playing also can be tender, which contrasts with elements like Akalé Wubé’s brash and urgent brass and wah guitar on numbers such as “Ené Nègn Bay Manèsh.”

The multi-sectional funk-rock of “Mèlèwètesh Menèw” could be a street-wise ‘70s crime soundtrack, with a middle spoken-word cool-down segment that gradually ramps up in tempo and intensity. Though heavy on the funk, Mistakes on Purpose also offers the bouncy and sunny diversion “Tsegérèda” that—language aside— might be more at home in a ‘40s romantic comedy than an Ethio-funk album.

This writer can’t help but think that this is exactly what the Daptone Records group The Budos Band is trying to make (with all respect to them), and Mistakes on Purpose is a perfectly respectable addition to the Éthiopiques series and a boon for funk fans.

T

here’s an odd joke in the film The Squid and the Whale where Jeff Daniels’ professor character refers to things as “the filet of <fill in the blank>” in order to elevate them; in particular, he calls Elmore Leonard’s books “the filet of the crime genre” as if he feels like he has to defend the act of reading for pleasure rather than reading something more high-brow.

This writer can say, with a fair amount of conviction, that the new album Love Mirage from Fancey—the solo-career moniker of New Pornographers guitarist Todd Fancey—is the filet of fake ‘70s AM radio.

There is no logical reason that Love Mirage should even exist. If you want to hear ‘70s easy listening soft rock, there’s a whole decade of recordings from which to choose. But putting reason aside, Love Mirage is such a perfectly executed and painstakingly authentic-sounding album that uses vintage instruments and abstains from employing modern studio techniques.

This writer believes that there are no guilty pleasures (barring the cruel, disgusting and/or illegal), and if there’s an album that tests that assertion, Love

Mirage is it. There’s an unrepentantly pleasant glow to it, as if it feels like it’s perhaps too easy of a joy to bear; it’s corn syrupy (if that means being simultaneously corny and syrupy) and disingenuously innocent with the slightest hints of turmoil underneath the surface.

In an interview with Blurt magazine, Fancey explained that he and producer Allan Rodger wanted to achieve “supermarket grade” by “keeping the sound friendly and warm at all times.” The dedication to detail here is remarkable, with convincing elements like harmonica solos, cheesy synth flourishes and vocal blends from faceless studio singers (pulled off by Fancey joined by vocalists Angela Kelman and 13-year-old Olivia Maye).

A million sources come to mind—the Bee Gees, Electric Light Orchestra, yacht rock, disco, TV show theme songs and so much more. This writer caught himself laughing out loud several times, with a strange combination of disbelief and amusement, and if you can make it through listening to Love Mirage without smiling, you’re probably an unfeeling robot.

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • FEBRUARY 16, 2017 • THE PULSE • 27

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY

The List

toasted ice cream or unconditional tenderness. And I bet that at least ten percent of you are experiencing all of the above.

All About Online Dating ROB BREZSNY

Now that Valentine's Day has come and gone, we thought we'd take a look at one of the most popular way of meeting people: online dating.

• Total number of single people in the U.S.: 54,250,000 • Total number of people in the U.S. who have tried online dating: 49,250,000 • Average length of courtship for marriages that met online: 18.5 Months • Average length of courtship for marriages that met offline: 42 Months • Percent of users who leave within the first 3 months: 10% • Percent of male online dating users: 52.4% • Percent of female online dating users: 47.6% • Percent of marriages in the last year in which the couple met on a dating site: 17% The most interesting stat is that people who meet online end up marrying much sooner than their offline counterparts.

And the most popular dating site? Match.com with 13.5 million singles looking for love.

Source: statisticbrain.com/onlinedating-statistics/

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Here’s your mantra for the next three weeks: “I know what I want, and I know how to glide it into my life.” Say this out loud 11 times right after you wake up each morning, and 11 more times before lunch, and 11 more times at bedtime. “I know what I want, and I know how to glide it into my life.” Whenever you do this little chant, summon an upflow of smiling confidence—a serene certainty that no matter how long the magic might take, it will ultimately work. “I know what I want, and I know how to glide it into my life.” Don’t let any little voice in your head undermine your link to this simple truth. Lift your heart to the highest source of vitality you can imagine.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): “We cannot simply sit and stare at our wounds forever,” writes Japanese novelist Haruki Murakami. “We must stand up and move on to the next action.” That’s your slightly scolding but ultimately inspirational advice, Pisces. According to my astrological analysis, you have done heroic work to identify and investigate your suffering. You have summoned a tremendous amount of intelligence in order to understand it and further the healing. But right now it’s time to turn your focus to other matters. Like what? How about rebirth?

ARIES (March 21-April 19): By my estimates, 72 percent of you Aries are in unusually good moods. The world seems friendlier, more cooperative.

Fifty-six percent of you feel more in love with life than you have in a long time. You may even imagine that the birds and trees and stars are flirting with you. I’m also guessing that 14 percent of you are weaving in and out of being absurdly, deliriously happy, sometimes without any apparent explanation. As a result of your generosity of spirit, you may be the recipient of seemingly impossible rewards like free money or

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TAURUS (April 20-May 20): I am launching a campaign to undo obsolete stereotypes about you Bulls.

There are still backwards astrologers out there who perpetrate the lie that many of you are stingy, stolid, stubborn slowpokes. As an antidote, I plan to heighten everyone’s awareness of your sensual, soulful sweetness, and your tastefully pragmatic sensitivity, and your diligent, dynamic productivity. That should be easy in the coming weeks, since you’ll be at the height of your ability to express those superpowers. Luckily, people will also have an enhanced capacity to appreciate you for who you really are. It will be a favorable time to clarify and strengthen your reputation.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Will Giovanni surreptitiously replace Allesandra’s birth control pills with placebos? Will Camille take a hidden crowbar to her rendezvous with the blackmailer? Will Josie steal Jose’s diary and sell it on eBay? Given the current astrological omens, you may have an unconscious attraction to soap opera-type events like those. The glamour of melodrama is tempting you. But I’m hoping and predicting that you will express the cosmic currents in less toxic ways.

Maybe you’ll hear a searing but healing confession after midnight in the pouring rain, for instance. Perhaps you’ll break an outworn taboo with ingenious grace, or forge a fertile link with a reformed rascal, or recover a lost memory in a dusty basement.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): All naturally-occurring matter on earth is composed of 92 basic elements arranged in various combinations.

Since some of these appear in trace amounts, they took a long time for humans to discover. In the 18th and 19th centuries, chemists were exuberant when they tracked down seven of the 92 in a single location: an underground mine on the Swedish island of Ytterby. That small place was a mother lode. I’m predicting a metaphorically similar experience for you, Cancerian: new access to a concentrated source that will yield much illumination.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The next four weeks will be an excellent time to upgrade your understanding of the important characters in your

Homework: Imagine you have time-traveled to one of your favorite places in the year 2020. What do you see? I’m at Truthrooster@gmail.com life. In fact, I suspect you will generate good fortune and meaningful synchronicities whenever you seek greater insight into anyone who affects you. Get to know people better, Leo! If there are intriguing acquaintances who pique your curiosity, find out more about them. Study the oddballs you’re allergic to with the intention to discern their hidden workings. In general, practice being objective as you improve your skill at reading human nature.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): In 1787, English captain Arthur Phillip led an eight-month naval expedition to the southeastern part of the continent now known as Australia. Upon arrival, he claimed the land for England, despite the fact that 250,000 Aboriginal people were living there, just as their ancestors had for 2,000 generations. Two hundred years later, an Aboriginal activist named Burnum Burnum planted the Aboriginal flag on the White Cliffs of Dover, claiming England for his people. I encourage you to make a comparably artful or symbolic act like Burnum’s sometime soon, Virgo -- a ritual or gesture to assert your sovereignty or evoke a well-deserved reversal or express your unconquerable spirit.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The ancient Roman rhetorician Quintilian authored a twelve-volume textbook on the art of oratory. As ample as it was, it could have been longer. “Erasure is as important as writing,” he said. According to my reading of the astrological omens, that counsel should be a rewarding and even exciting theme for you in the coming weeks.

For the long-term health of your labor of love or your masterpiece, you should focus for a while on what to edit out of it. How could you improve it by making it shorter and more concise?

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Do you know about the long-running kids’ show Sesame Street? Are you familiar with Big Bird, the talking eight-feettall yellow canary who’s one of the main characters? I hope so, because your horoscope is built around them.

In the Sesame Street episode called Don’t Eat the Pictures, Big Bird solves a riddle that frees a 4,000-year-old Egyptian prince from an ancient curse. I think this vignette can serve as a model for your own liberation.

How? You can finally outwit and outmaneuver a very old problem with the help of some playful, even childlike energy. Don’t assume that you’ve got to be relentlessly serious and dour in order to shed the ancient burden. In fact, just the opposite is true. Trust blithe and rowdy spirits.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your lessons in communication are reaching a climax. Here are five tips to help you do well on your “final exam.” 1. Focus more on listening for what you need to know rather than on expressing what you already know. 2. Keep white lies and convenient deceptions to a bare minimum. 3. Tell the truth as strong and free as you dare, but always—if possible—with shrewd kindness. 4. You are more likely to help your cause if you spread bright, shiny gossip instead of the grubby kind. 5. Experiment with being unpredictable; try to infuse your transmissions with unexpected information and turns of phrase.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The meaning of the Latin phrase crambe repetita is “cabbage reheated, twicecooked.” I urge you to avoid partaking of such a dish in the coming weeks, both literally and figuratively.

If you’re truly hungry for cooked cabbage, eat it fresh. Likewise, if you have a ravenous appetite for stories, revelations, entertainment, and information—which I suspect you will—don’t accept the warmed-over, recycled variety. Insist on the brisk, crisp stuff that excites your curiosity and appeals to your sense of wonder.

Rob Brezsny is an aspiring master of curiosity, perpetrator of sacred uproar, and founder of the Beauty and Truth Lab. He brings a literate, myth-savvy perspective to his work.

It’s all in the stars.

JONESIN' CROSSWORD ∙ MATT JONES

“Hide Your Kids”—they’re in there somewhere.

ACROSS 1 Baker’s buy 6 Group of periods 9 Pet sounds?

13 Threepio’s mate 14 McDonald’s Corporation mogul Ray 15 “Dog Barking at the Moon” painter Joan 16 Maintain the same speed as 18 Tree of Knowledge garden 19 Converse with the locals in Rome, e.g.

21 NBC show since ‘75 24 Lilly of pharmaceuticals 25 Undersized 26 Size in a portrait package 28 It keeps going during the Olympics 31 “You’re not ___, are you?”

32 Guy with a lot of food issues?

33 “Chandelier” singer 36 What regular exercise helps

maintain 40 Layer of lawn 41 Mid-sized jazz combo 42 Blue material 43 Clunky footwear 44 Home of Titian’s “Venus of Urbino” 46 Muhammad Ali’s boxing daughter 49 Soundless communication syst.

50 U.K. tabloid, with “The” 51 “Hmmm ... I’m thinking ...”

56 Contends 57 What each of the entries with circles reveals 61 To be in France 62 Lago contents 63 Country divided since 1948 64 Hair band of the 1980s 65 He played Clubber Lang in “Rocky III” 66 Gift on the seventh day of Christmas DOWN 1 Chatter away

2 Poet’s palindrome 3 Brunched, say 4 Absorbs, with “up” 5 Unbelievable cover?

6 “CHiPs” costar Estrada 7 Bread at an Indian restaurant 8 Eight, to Ernst 9 Audrey Tautou’s quirky title role of 2001 10 Chamillionaire hit that doesn’t actually have “Dirty” in the title 11 Lose one’s mind 12 Cher’s partner 14 “The Bridge on the River ___” 17 Hit with a barrage 20 Concede 21 Exchanges 22 Cheesy chip flavor 23 Bridges of film 27 “Stacks of wax” 28 Cabinet contents 29 Departed 30 “Entourage” agent Gold 32 Werewolf’s tooth 33 Long haulers 34 Onetime Trooper

and Rodeo maker 35 John who was Gomez Addams 37 Acquired relative 38 Dove noise 39 Abbr. stamped on a bad check 43 Place for supplies, sometimes 44 “Back in the ___” (Beatles song) 45 The gold in Goldschlager, e.g.

46 What “-phile” means 47 Curly-tailed canine 48 Like xenon, as gases go 49 On the ocean 52 “Taken” star Neeson 53 Caltech grad, perhaps 54 Letter-shaped bolt link 55 Site with the tagline “Discover the expert in you” 58 Glass on the radio 59 “Steal My Sunshine” band 60 “___ Boot” (1981 war film)

Copyright © 2017 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per3minute. Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle No. 819 CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • FEBRUARY 16, 2017 • THE PULSE • 29

COLUMN ∙ ON THE BEAT

A Pause For Her Cause Just another day in the life for Officer Alex and a local "activist"

Alex Teach

Pulse columnist

I

WAS AT THE “MEET YOUR MUSLIM Neighbor” event on a gorgeous Saturday afternoon, and just as I expected, it was a hit.

As far as special assignments go, this was far from the worst. I mean it was 60 degrees, sunny, the venue was one way in and one way out, it was in a more isolated part of town, and best of all…it was catered.

Hello.

Were districts being emptied to accommodate the needs here? Absolutely, but at least there weren’t as many or as long as an event like Riverbend, and this crowd was a far cry from the once taxpayer-supported for-profit drunkfest we have all come to know and love over the years.

“Cops” take these events for granted on some levels; who they are, why they are— it’s irrelevant. People need protecting?

They get protected. The five Dallas cops executed on the job by a cowardly sniper last year? They were providing security to an event organized largely to (wait for it!) protest cops. See my point? Equal opportunity offenders. As such, we see many of the same faces, as I did today.

“Officer Teach, how nice to see you!” a young lady named Cindy said. I make an impression, what can I say?

“Hi!” I replied non-committedly. (Cindy was an “activist,” which is a label that crazy people quite conveniently tend to give themselves.) I looked away; it did not work.

“Didn’t I see you at one of these events last fall?” she asked, fingers intertwined before her, head tilted to one side, a smile in full effect.

“Yes,” I said. “The Pride March at Ross’s Landing, I believe.” I smiled back, then tried to looked focused on nothing to our right.

“Well it’s just great to see you here!” she chirped.

“Me too. It’s a real surprise, I’m proud of you,” I said while again trying to break eye contact. Round #2, and I had already slipped.

“Surprised?” she said, her smile flat lining. What the hell, I went with it.

“Yes! I mean, given your LGBT support.”

“Clarify?” she stated, now the all-business activist I'd come to know and love in the last few years.

I took a deep breath and said, “You know, because of their stance on homosexuality. It’s still punishable by death in, I think…13 Islamic countries? A capitol offense in more? It’s just funny, having seen you at the Pride rally last.” I maintained my already fake smile, but barely. “The duality of humankind, right?”

Cindy had no immediate response but to literally ignore what I just said, her agenda being placed on pause. “Well, people try to demonize Muslims, paint them as terrorists. To make their religion something other than what it is.

You have to take a stand against ignorance, you know?” she said knowingly.

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“I couldn’t agree more. So, is anyone else from Pride here?” I threw out. (It’s all about keeping focus when you’re at my level of smartassery.)

“Oh, no. They have a lot going on,” she said.

I gave a subtle wink and replied “But not around a mosque if they know what’s best for them I imagine, am I right?” I laughed, again indicating I was joking, when clearly I was not.

“No,” she said. And left.

Irony. It doesn’t count as yet a sixth element to The Job, because it’s actually a pillar to the entire thing, but it definitely gets an honorable mention at times like these in police work.

God I couldn’t wait to get back into a district. But then, if I really thought hard about it…I still got to help someone, without even the

intervention of a 911 call being dispatched.

“You’re welcome Cindy,” I said under my breath…and this time, with a real smile emerging.

LGBT, Muslim, even BLM…I’d risk my life for any of the above, but included in the fee for such is not letting them get away with hypocrisy when the situation presents itself. Cindy had forgotten which world she was trying to save, but I still give her total credit for trying to save any of them.

And besides…did I mention this event was catered? Maakroun’s, baby. You have no idea.

(Objectively, at least. Our gift… our curse.)

When officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrolling our fair city on the heels of the criminal element, he spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center.

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • FEBRUARY 16, 2017 • THE PULSE • 31