The Pulse 13.50 » December 15, 2016

AHKRIEV & BERGERON • THE GIFT GUIDE • MUSIC PROMOTERS

DECEMBER 15, 2016

CHATTANOOGA'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE

Gardening In Paradise...At Night A LOOK AT AN ICONIC FOLK ART DESTINATION FROM AN UNCONVENTIONAL ANGLE

By Gary Tanner

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VOLUME 13, ISSUE 50 DECEMBER 15, 2016

CONTENTS 4

TRAIL RUNNING AT REFLECTION RIDING

The Nature Center at Reflection Riding is an extraordinarily diverse and incredible aspect of Chattanooga. Even though the grounds alone are reason to enough to spend an entire day there, it is also host to many fantastic events.

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LOOK, IT’S YET ANOTHER CHRISTMAS MOVIE

It’s the time of year for Christmas comedies, the time when Hollywood rolls out the same tired, formulaic traditions of hope, family togetherness, and pratfalls.

AKHRIEV AND BERGERON HAVE A THROW DOWN

This Friday the Townsend Atelier is offering a unique opportunity to study the process of two master painters, Timur Akhriev and Mia Bergeron.

BEHIND THE MUSIC SCENE

No one can deny that talent is the cornerstone of a great music scene, but it takes more than talent alone. Many a great band can attest that no matter how clever, innovative or original you may be, it doesn’t mean much without good venues.

ALSO INSIDE

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Gardening in Paradise...At Night Walking along a path lit sporadically by a full moon peeking through thin clouds, a white horse suddenly appeared in a tree.

Nearby, a nest of snakes lay still atop their small mountain of concrete, while up the path a little farther still was a house.

FEATURED CONTRIBUTORS

5

CONSIDER THIS

30

MUSIC CALENDAR

7

JUST A THEORY

32

RECORD REVIEWS

13

NEW IN THEATERS

35

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY

16

ARTS CALENDAR

36

OPINIONS & DIVERSIONS

17

HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE

37

JONESIN’ CROSSWORD

27

MIXOLOGY

38

ON THE BEAT

A newcomer to The Pulse family, Gary Tanner has been writing professionally for 31 years, reporting for newspapers, magazines and wire services. He grew up on a tobacco farm in south Georgia, where his family had a pet alligator. Really.

Tony Mraz spent the '80s growing up in Dalton before moving to Chattanooga in '95 to attend the Chattanooga School for the Arts and Sciences, which enabled him to earn a scholarship to the Kansas City Art Institute.

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 15, 2016 • THE PULSE • 3

BEGINNINGS ∙ CITY LIFE

Running at Reflection Riding Don’t let winter weather keep you indoors on the couch

By Adam Beckett

T BREWER MEDIA GROUP Publisher & President Jim Brewer II FOUNDED 2003 BY ZACHARY COOPER & MICHAEL KULL

EDITORIAL

Managing Editor Gary Poole gary@chattanoogapulse.com Assistant Editor Brooke Brown Music Editor Marc T. Michael Film Editor John DeVore Contributors Adam Beckett • Rob Brezsny Steven W. Disbrow • Matt Jones Tony Mraz • Ernie Paik Rick Pimental-Habib • Stephanie Smith Gary Tanner • Alex Teach Cartoonists Max Cannon • Rob Rogers Jen Sorenson • Tom Tomorrow

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Offices 1305 Carter St. Chattanooga, TN 37402 Phone 423.265.9494 Fax 423.266.2335 Website chattanoogapulse.com Email info@chattanoogapulse.com THE FINE PRINT: The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer Media and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on music, the arts, entertainment, culture and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publisher may take more than one copy per weekly issue.

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Contents Copyright © 2016 by Brewer Media. All rights reserved.

Pulse contributor

HE NATURE CENTER AT REFLECTIon Riding is an extraordinarily diverse and incredible aspect of Chattanooga. Even though the grounds alone are reason to enough to spend an entire day there, it is also host to many fantastic events and gatherings. Coming up this Saturday is a day filled with outdoor adventure and excitement, as two separate races utilize different parts of the wonderful arboretum and nature center.

The Wauhatchie Trail Race is a 6.7 mile trail race that starts and finishes at the Arboretum and Nature Center at Reflection Riding, while Lookout Mountain hosts a 50 and 21 miler, a 5k and 10k (which is the Road Runners Club of America’s Tennessee State Cross Country Championship), starts and finishes at Covenant College while also passing through parts of the arboretum and nature center.

The Wauhatchie Trail Race is a beautiful and scenic run that takes place on the lower slopes of Lookout Mountain, and changes elevation about 410 feet from the low to high point. This trail involves steep ups and downs, and all the angles mother nature has to offer. The entry fee of $15 includes admission to the Nature Center, and participants can spend the entire day there after the completion of the race.

Because the race site is a nature preserve, it is considered a recycling event, and no pets are allowed. Everyone will be a winner if they bring a prize, but the overall winner and top two-person family team will be awarded the annual Golden Antlers Trophy. The Wauhatchie Trail Race is an age and gender handicapped race, with males 25-29 being the fastest.

It takes a focused and driven person to run a marathon on flat ground. Add to the mix a mountain range, and an additional marathon, and now were talking about dif-

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“It takes a focused and driven person to run a marathon on flat ground. Add to the mix a mountain range, and an additional marathon, and now were talking about different breeds of people.” ferent breeds of people, thoroughbred human beings that defy odds and logic to push their selves to the limit and beyond.

The Lookout Mountain 50 and 21 Miler, and 5k, 10k Race is considered a favorite in the world of trail running, and is coveted by many runners in the region. It’s distance options accommodate runners at various levels. Beginner runners can head on the 3.2 and 6.4 mile distance races, while the hardcore racers can attack the 21 and 50 mile escapades. Prices to enter the event range between $30, and $105; with the most expensive entry being the nearly double marathon gauntlet.

Running up a mountain whatsoever is a tremendous accomplishment, regardless of the distance involved, and all parties involved should feel proud that they participated in something that takes so much dedication and drive. Fortunately for all the runners involved with the races that surround Chattanooga’s Arboretum and Nature Center, they get to see very beautiful and captivating grounds, which is the absolute definition of instant gratification For more information, please visit reflectionriding.org. Come out to support your local runners, as well as the Arboretum and Nature Center at Reflection Riding.

Consider This with Dr. Rick

EdiToon

by Rob Rogers

Celebrate The Holidays In The Passageways If you find yourself at a loss for what to do this Thursday, check out Holidays in the Passageways downtown, as it’ll be brimming with holiday spirit and eclectic, Chattanooga fun. It's a free celebration held, you guessed it, in the Passageways alleys downtown.

“Passageways, a joint program of AIA Tennessee and River City Company, was unveiled in August and has transformed four downtown alleyways with art and architecture installations selected through an international design competition.” The alleyways have since hosted events like movie nights, an art workshop, musical performances, and

a speaker series.

The holiday festivities will begin at 730 Cherry Street and end at 721 Broad, and everything in between will be filled with Christmas cheer. Participate in caroling or kick back and enjoy musical

performances by local artist Danimal Pinson, saxophone man Swayyvo, and Jazzanooga’s youth choir.

Grab a cup of hot chocolate from an alley-strolling attendee and make a custom holiday card thanks to The Open Press, a letterpress, printmaking, and book arts studio based in Chattanooga.

Top off the night with a holiday piece performed by a local dance ensemble, followed by free pictures with Santa and Mrs. Clause. Take a stroll through the Passageways this holiday season and see what all the ho-ho-ho is about.

— Brooke Brown

In Japan, broken objects such as bowls or trinkets are often repaired with gold. The flaw is seen as a unique piece of the object’s history, which adds to its beauty.

We humans break, and we apply a band-aid, or, if necessary, go to the hospital for stiches. Sometimes we just “walk it off.” The body has a propensity for self-healing.

How about our insides? When we feel sad or angry, confused or resentful, anxious or frightened, what do we choose as an internal bandaid? How do we stitch the break, soothe the pain, repair our psyches, hearts and souls?

Can you imagine seeing yourself as repaired with gold? Perhaps the gold is the wisdom that comes from the pain. Lessons learned as we turn adversity into opportunity for growth.

Can you see yourself as richer, more valuable for having had the heart break, the weakness, the flaw?

Consider this the next time you feel broken.

— Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D.

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COLUMN ∙ JUST A THEORY

Research Roundup, December 2016 Our resident scientist updates us on what’s happening in the science world tem. With nine months, and dozens more ring-grazing orbits to go, 2017 should be full of amazing new results from the ringed planet.

Steven W. Disbrow Pulse columnist

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VERY NOW AND AGAIN, THERE’S so much going on in the realm of scientific research, that it’s impossible for me to pick just one story to focus on.

That’s right, it’s time for another Research Roundup!

Scenes From A Ringed Planet In 2004, after a seven-year journey from Earth, Cassini became the first spacecraft to orbit Saturn. Since 2004, Cassini has given us a treasure trove of fantastic science: Lander on the surface of Titan? Check.

New Saturnian moons discovered? Check.

Gorgeous images of Saturn, it’s rings and moons? Check.

But, alas, all good things must come to an end. So, on September 17, 2017, the Cassini craft will use the last of its fuel to dive into the atmosphere of Saturn, destroying itself and making sure that it doesn’t contaminate any of Saturn’s moons with either debris or microbes from Earth. (Yes, some of the tiny things that live here could possibly have survived this entire time in Cassini’s guts. Earth life is tough.)

Before it does that however, Cassini will perform a series of extremely complicated (and dangerous) “ring-grazing” orbits that will take it closer to Saturn’s rings (and Saturn itself) than it’s ever been. It performed the first of these orbits at the end of November, sending back some amazing pictures of Saturn’s hexagonal North Pole cloud sys-

ER = EPR Quantum Physics has a…problem. Well, it’s not really a problem, per se, it’s more of a thing that freaks some people out. You see, if you take two particles (say, photons) and entangle them, something strange happens. What you do to one particle effects the other, seemingly instantaneously, regardless of how far apart they are.

Einstein didn’t like this and famously called it “spooky action at a distance.” He then spent a big chunk of his time trying to figure out exactly what was wrong with Quantum Theory so he could dismiss it. He never succeeded, and that “spooky action” is today an accepted part of how reality works.

But, that doesn’t mean that we don’t want to know how the spooky action itself works and lots of people have spent a lot of time trying to figure it out. A couple of years ago, two physicists, Juan Maldacena and Leonard Susskind put forward “ER = EPR” to explain it.

While it looks like math, it’s not.

Instead, it’s a conjecture that “ER,” which stands for the Einstein-Rosen Theory of Wormholes, is equivalent to “EPR,” which is the Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen Conjecture that tries to explain how entangled particles communicate their information instantaneously.

In other words, wormholes (“ER”) are the means by which information is passed between entangled particles (“EPR”).

While this is all conjecture and hypothesis, the implications are pretty immense if true. Wormholes are a feature of General Relativity, while entanglement and spooky action are features of the Quantum realm. Tying these two domains together is something that’s eluded physicists for the last century, and this conjecture could be the first step in bringing it all together.

Climate Change In the News Meanwhile, back in our macroscopic world, the effects of global climate change are beginning to really ramp up and take hold.

In Tibet, researchers have concluded that climate change destabilized the Aru Glacier, which led to a devastating avalanche earlier this year. Seventy million tons of ice and snow broke off from the glacier, burying 3.7 square miles of

villages beneath it when it finally settled.

In Antarctica, a 70-mile long, 300-foot-wide crack has opened up in the fourth-largest ice sheet there. Once the crack makes its way fully across the sheet, the resulting iceberg will be the size of Delaware.

Closer to home, record droughts and a lack of rainfall earlier this year led to ideal conditions for the wild fires that destroyed entire towns and wiped out the livelihoods of thousands of people.

(And it didn’t help that 2016 was the hottest year on record.)

Hopefully, 2017 will be the year that Americans demand that we get serious about global climate change. Because, if not, things are just going to get much worse.

Steven Disbrow is a programmer who specializes in e-commerce and mobile systems development, an entrepreneur, comic-book nerd, writer, improviser, actor, sometime television personality and parent of two human children.

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 15, 2016 • THE PULSE • 7

COVER STORY

Gardening In Paradise...At Night A look at an iconic folk art destination from an unconventional angle

By Gary Tanner

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Pulse contributor

ALKING ALONG A PATH LIT

sporadically by a full moon peeking through thin clouds, a white horse suddenly appeared in a tree. Nearby, a nest of snakes lay still atop their small mountain of concrete, while up the path a little farther still was a house made of mirrors eight feet in the air.

Paradise Garden is a sight, Rev. Howard Finster’s visions a-light, But the awe of it shines most bright, During a visit at night Many Chattanoogans have long known that head scratching puzzlement, mixed with jaw dropping amazement was just over an hour south of the city in little Pennville, Ga. Paradise Garden is figuratively a two-and-ahalf-acre representation of renowned folk artist Howard Finster’s mind, which religion scholar Norman Girardot described as a place of “divine clutter.” It’s busy and colorful. It’s unorganized and finely detailed. It is madness and genius served on the same mosaic plate. And, a lesser known fact is, you can have it all to yourself…at night.

Visitors can book a night or more at the artist cottage across the street from Paradise Garden. At check-in there are two keys, one for the lodgings and one that opens the garden gate after closing at 5 p.m.

If you’ve visited Paradise Garden in the day-

light, you know at least a little about Finster. If you’ve never been, then you must go. But, first meet its maker.

WHO WAS HOWARD FINSTER? Howard Finster became in his later years a world renowned folk art icon. Had he lived, he would have turned 100 on Dec. 2. As it is, he passed away in 2001 a couple of weeks after the horrible, apocalyptic vision that was the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11. While that nightmare was real, Finster’s life and work had been guided by visions of another sort.

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Finster told people he had his first religious vision at the age of three. It was of a deceased sister, who told him he would become “a man of visions.” Starting as a teenager, he would turn his visions into sermons as a Baptist preacher, and later into sculptures, paintings, poems, sights and wonders.

The Rev. Howard Finster was a slight man who was never silent, rarely still, and barely slept. He was reputed to eat Folgers instant coffee crystals and wash them down with Coca-Cola. Many of his 46,000-plus paintings are marked as completed with a simple “past

COVER STORY

“I paint of a night time and work in the garden during the day time,” Finster told Tonight Show host Johnny Carson in 1986. “Since I retired, in 24 hours I do whatever I want to do. If I want to sleep it doesn’t matter where, I take a nap.” midnight.”

“I paint of a night time and work in the garden during the day time,” Finster told Tonight Show host Johnny Carson in 1986. “Since I retired, in 24 hours I do whatever I want to do. If I want to sleep it doesn’t matter where, I take a nap.”

In 1976, the story told by Finster goes, he was repairing a bicycle when he looked at a spot of paint on his right index finger. In the paint, he saw a face which spoke to him a three-word command, “Paint sacred art.” Doubting he could do it, but compelled by the vision to try, Finster pulled a dollar out of his pocket and created a painting of George Washington.

The face on his finger set Finster’s soul on fire for the last quarter century of his life. He started out intending to create 5,000 works of painted art.

But, his passion never ebbed and he wound up creating more than 46,000, all of which he signed and numbered.

In the mid-80s, Finster became a pop culture phenomenon when he painted album covers for bands R.E.M. and The Talking Heads. R.E.M. filmed their video for the song “Radio Free Europe,” at Paradise Garden and Finster appears in it at the end. And, while the showman in him seemed to enjoy his fame, the focus of what Finster did remained spreading the word of God. Howard Finster spoke a twang, That turns spring into sprang,

Whether painting or singing hymn or jingle, Bible verses he’d inter-sprinkle DAYDREAMS, THEN DARKNESS FALLS An overnight stay at Paradise Garden doesn’t mean missing out on anything that day visitors enjoy, because the fee allows you to explore the grounds in the afternoon when you check in.

The visitor’s center at Paradise Garden is in the old clapboard house that Finster used to welcome visitors and sell them art. Finster decorated the building with a portrait of George Washington on the front and a congregation of worshippers one side.

A modern, glass-walled addition has been built to expand the center and house exhibits about Finster’s career and art. A video room shows a 30-minute film that serves as an introduction, or reintroduction, to Finster.

At the gift shop counter, guests are greeted by Donnie Davis, who sells admissions and gives visitors the appropriately hand-drawn map of the garden.

“You can’t go in here,” he says.

“You have to go in here.”

Where you can’t go right now is the chapel, where a multi-story, spire arises that resembles an odd wedding cake. Even before Finster’s death the structure had begun to lean.

It has been shorn up on the inside continued on page 10 CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 15, 2016 • THE PULSE • 9

COVER STORY

with strong timber so that it stands straight again, but its complete restoration by the non-profit Paradise Garden Foundation is still years away.

Where Davis said you have to go is what Finster dubbed the “Rolling Chair Gallery.” The long, narrow Lshaped building has low windows to give views of the rest of the property, so those who use wheelchairs can enjoy it.

The presence of Howard Finster is strong in the gallery. Much of what is displayed is the work of others, inspired by and given to Finster over the years—explained in the master’s own hand, written in black directly onto the white walls. “People is always giving me things made by others,” he wrote beside a small metal ring nailed to the wall.

In addition, Finster’s voice fills the hall, as interviews he gave play from speakers overhead. In one 10 • THE PULSE • DECEMEBR 15, 2016 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

he talks about a vision of traveling through space, in which he arrived at the conclusion that the distance to heaven can be measured by the light of the sun. “Tell me how far the sun shines…that’s halfway to heaven,” he said.

Daylight is the best time to be floored by the enormity of what Finster created and its genius. The misspelled words in his paintings illustrate the fact that he had just a sixth-grade education. But the cleverness with which he transformed bits, bobs, doodads and plain old trash into art is breathtaking.

“I took the pieces you threw away and put them together by night and day. Washed by rain and dried by sun. A million pieces all in one,” Finster famously wrote. And, he told an interviewer once, “Everything I pick up I see art in it.”

Whether in daylight or dark, however, Paradise Garden astounds

COVER STORY

“The sculpture garden is made up of concrete creations that combine hand crafted faces and snakes with an eclectic mix of junk ranging from toilet tank lids, to ceramic cats, to rusted hand grenade replicas.” with the fact that seemingly every surface is covered with art, including his iconic Coca-Cola bottles and angels. The sculpture garden is made up of concrete creations that combine hand crafted faces and snakes with an eclectic mix of junk ranging from toilet tank lids, to ceramic cats, to rusted hand grenade replicas.

Flashlight beams on the concrete sculptures at night reveal the creations in smaller patches than is possible under sunlight, which makes the painstaking detail all the more incredible.

Visitors walk around the garden on concrete paths that are mosaics studded with broken bits of pottery, bicycle gears, cutlery, child’s toys and more.

During a recent nighttime visit, it was immediately evident that much of the outdoor painted surfaces that appear faded under sunlight, appear renewed after dark. A brick and concrete walk that was brightly painted with wisdom and warnings 25 years ago is now so faded that just a couple of the inspirations are legible. At night, under artificial light, those sayings pop out, as clear as the day they were painted.

A pair of nearly matching honeycolored tabby cats named Calvin and Hobbes call the garden home and at night follow visitors around.

You can tell them apart by the fact that Calvin has a stubby tail. At other points you can hear them

meowing in the dark, adding to the experience.

A white concrete horse that seemed to suddenly appear in a tree after dark, had not been noticed during the daylight.

Poking around Paradise Garden after dark is an affordable experience few get to have and one that you’ll always remember. In a sense, it may be like walking around Howard Finster’s brain in one of those rare times he was asleep.

HOW TO SPEND THE NIGHT Visit the Paradise Garden website and click on “Stay for the night” or call the visitor center at 706-8080800 or email info@paradisegardenfoundation.org The price is $130 per night on weekdays and $150 on weekends.

The one-bedroom artist cottage has a living room with three comfortable upholstered chairs, a sofa, Finster art on the walls and Finster books on the shelves. There is a full kitchen complete with dining table, dishes and cutlery.

Paradise Garden is located in Pennville, Ga., an unincorporated community between the cities of Trion and Summerville in Chattooga County.

From Chattanooga, take U.S. Highway 27 south for 47 miles and turn left onto Rena Street in Pennville. For GPS purposes the Paradise Garden street address is 200 N. Lewis St., Summerville, Ga. CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 15, 2016 • THE PULSE • 11

FILM & TELEVISION

Oh Look, Yet Another Christmas Movie Talented cast can’t make up for superficial holiday film

The Met Presents “L’Amour de Loin” An encore performance of Saariaho’s L’Amour de Loin will be shown at Carmike's East Ridge 18 theaters on Wednesday, Dec. 21 at 6:30 p.m.

One of the most highly praised operas of recent years, which had its premiere at the Salzburg Festival in 2000, Kaija Saariaho’s yearning medieval romance L’Amour de Loin (“Love From Afar”), has its Met premiere this season.

The opera won the prestigious Grawemeyer Award for Musical Composition in 2003 and has been performed in Paris, London, Santa Fe, Helsinki, Aspen, Darmstadt, and elsewhere. Yet it took years before Kaija Saariaho became convinced that opera could be a viable medium for what she wanted to express as a composer.

She finally found the inspiration she was searching for in the short, quasi-legendary life story of an early medieval troubadour, Jaufré Rudel, and his improbable love for a far-away woman: “I felt that this was a story for me: simple, but full of meaning, and with a lot of space for music.”

L’Amour de Loin explores the archetypal themes of love and death that have been opera’s lifeblood from the very beginning. But Saariaho, who was born in Helsinki in 1952, brings a unique sensibility to this material through her enchanting musical language. “When I started to write this piece, I had to draw on all the musical resources I had used up till then, and all my experience,” she recalls. “I felt that I needed to stretch my music in different directions.”

L’Amour de Loin (“Love from Afar”) Wednesday, December 21, 6:30 p.m.

Carmike East Ridge 18 5080 South Terrace (423) 855-9652 www.carmike.com 12 • THE PULSE • DECEMEBR 15, 2016 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

By John DeVore Pulse Film Editor

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T’S THE TIME OF YEAR FOR CHRISTMAS comedies, the time when Hollywood rolls out the same tired, formulaic traditions of hope, family togetherness, and pratfalls. Studios are all hoping to strike gold again with an Elf, or a Christmas Vacation or A Christmas Story, forgetting that what made those films timeless was innovation and good writing, not rehashed themes of love and compassion.

Anymore, the films that stick, the ones that make the most impact, are the ones that take the ideas from dramas It’s A Wonderful Life and twist them into something subversive.

Think Scrooged, or Gremlins, or even Bad Santa. Last year’s Krampus did an excellent job of challenging the status quo, although it’s

themes of punishment for the lack of Christmas spirit might work better this season, as our elected administration is eager to strip citizenship for a lack of patriotism and failing to say “Merry Christmas” might land you with double secret probation.

But still, even these types of films are becoming more common, meaning that Hollywood’s attempts at subversion are becoming either too tame or crass—see Bad Santa 2, as an example. It’s the definition of trying too hard. This year’s Office Christmas Party falls into this camp, although it has a few breakout moments due to a talented cast.

Chicago based Server manufacturer Zenotek seems to have a moral problem. As the film opens, CTO Josh Parker (Jason Bateman) has just finalized his divorce, and is headed to work. As he greets each of his staff, we learn

FILM & TELEVISION

“Office Christmas Party won’t become a holiday classic. It will be forgotten as last year’s The Night Before or this year’s Almost Christmas.” about their personality quirks (which in this film counts as characterization). Mary (Kate McKinnon), Head of HR, is uptight and strange, a lover of cheese and parrots who has a tendency to fart when she’s nervous. She is at odds with other staff members like customer service supervisor Jeremy (Rob Corddry), who sees her devotion to inoffensive, all-inclusive holiday cheer as a personal affront.

The audience also meets Tracy (Olivia Munn), Zenotek’s head of technology, who is clearly a love interest for Josh, as she is both attractive and smart. Ultimately, Josh heads into a meeting with branch manager Clay Vanstone (T.J. Miller), a clueless, hard partying trust funder, the son of the former CEO. His only desire is to make his employees happy and improve working condi-

tions around the office.

Enter Carol Vanstone (Jennifer Aniston), Clay’s sister, and current CEO of the company. She argues that Clay’s branch is not performing well enough and orders Clay to lay off 40 percent of his workers, cut all bonuses, and cancel the Christmas party.

Parker counters with a suggestion: if they can close a deal with Walter Davis, representative of a financial giant, the office jobs are saved. Carol agrees, and Josh and Clay set off to throw the greatest Christmas party ever in hopes of saving their staff.

All of this is fairly standard comedy fare, and on its own wouldn’t be enough to set the film apart from everything else released in December every year. But T.J. Miller is a rare talent, one that can carry a movie on his own. He steals every scene he’s in and, given that he’s the most important part of the film, keeps the film from being overly flat.

Jason Bateman, as always, performs well as the straight man and

Kate McKinnon plays one of her better Saturday Night Live characters, delivering a fair number of laughs herself. Her reliance on the wide eyed, socially awkward weirdo as a fall back character will likely become tired as she drifts towards over-exposure, but for the time being, she’s a welcome addition to a comedy cast.

Office Christmas Party won’t become a holiday classic. It will be forgotten as last year’s The Night Before or this year’s Almost Christmas.

But if you, like myself, can’t bring yourself to watch another straight drama starring Amy Adams or Jessica Chastain, not because they’re bad, but because you need a break, or you’re looking to pass the time between now and Rogue One, Office Christmas Party fits the bill. You won’t be angry you watched but you won’t be blown away either.

But then, with the glut of Christmas movies, there’s never any shortage of something to watch.

✴ ✴ NEW IN THEATERS ✴ ✴

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story The Rebellion makes a risky move to steal the plans for the Death Star, setting up the epic saga to follow.

Director: Gareth Edwards Stars: Felicity Jones, Diego Luna, Alan Tudyk, Donnie Yen

Collateral Beauty Retreating from life after a tragedy, a man questions the universe by writing to Love, Time and Death. Receiving unexpected answers, he begins to see how these things interlock and how even loss can reveal moments of meaning and beauty.

Director: David Frankel Stars: Will Smith, Edward Norton, Kate Winslet

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ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

Akhriev and Bergeron Have a Throw Down Two artistic masters paint live at Townsend Atelier

Ballet Tennessee Dances To “A Christmas Carol” UTC’s Fine Arts Center will be hosting the prestigious ballet company Ballet Tennessee this Saturday as they put on a surely beautiful performance of the classic tale “A Christmas Carol.”

We all know the Charles Dickens story of Ebenezer Scrooge, Tiny Tim and his family, and all the ghosts of Christmas that show Scrooge the error of his ways throughout Christmas Eve night. It’s a heartbreaking tale as Scrooge sees what life may become if he doesn’t change, but equally heartwarming as Scrooge discovers the true meaning of The Christmas Spirit.

To add the breathtaking art of ballet to the script will make for a spectacular night for all, Scrooge included.

The production features guest artists Fredrick Davis from WTCI’s “From the Streets to the Stage” and Jere Hunt from Rioult Dance NY, alongside Ballet Tennessee Professional artists Hannah Locke, Andrew Bewley, Brittany JohnsonMills, and Emma Pannkuk.

Combining such talents will be an incredible feat and will surely make this one day only event a holiday crowdpleaser. Whether you make it an afternoon of beautiful ballet or a romantic holiday evening, Ballet Tennessee’s performance will leave you feeling cheery and bright.

— Brooke Brown Ballet Tennessee presents “A Christmas Carol” Saturday, 2 & 7:30 p.m.

UTC Fine Arts Center 752 Vine St. 423) 821-2055 ballettennessee.org 14 • THE PULSE • DECEMEBR 15, 2016 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

By Tony Mraz

Pulse contributor

T

HIS FRIDAY THE TOWNSEND ATELIER is offering a unique opportunity to study the process of two master painters, Timur Akhriev and Mia Bergeron. Located in the Arts Building on 11th Street, the Townsend is Chattanooga’s foremost private art education institution. For this free event, Timur and Mia will be doing a live demonstration, each painting a portrait of a model. Though their styles are similar, each has developed a distinctive approach to painting that is as personal as a fingerprint.

Mia’s paintings are stunning realist compositions that are beautifully executed and thought provoking. Her work as an artist involves a lot of thought, with each painting having a strong philosophical content. Her most recent series, “Shared Solitude”, is a courageous exploration

of being alone and painting. The body of work is currently being exhibited in a solo show at Gallery 1261 in Denver.

Timur’s paintings are absolutely gorgeous. His canvasses catch the eye with confident yet sensitive explosions of color, evidence of a lifetime of practice and observation. His art has an enterprising spirit, and he is on a constant quest for new challenges. His work is currently represented by Lovetts Gallery in Tulsa, Gallery Russia in Scottsdale, and Abend Gallery in Denver.

Timur started his painting career in Russia when he was around the age of 10. He grew up watching his father Daud Akhriev and his artist friends paint in his studio. He went to a school that was specifically for arts training, spending seven years studying with a focus on fine art. He spent three years in the UTC Fine Art department before going to Italy to study at Florence Academy and the Charles H. Cecil Studio.

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

“Though their styles are similar, each has developed a distinctive approach to painting that is as personal as a fingerprint.”

Mia also went to the Cecil Studio, leaving a year before Timur enrolled, after studying at the Rhode Island School of Design and Harvard Extension school. In fact, she was an assistant teacher at the Cecil.

She continued her teaching career as an adjunct professor at UTC until 2010, when she relocated to the Townsend Atelier. She continues to teach painting classes there.

Timur and Mia are friends and colleagues, and the upcoming painting demonstration isn’t their first creative collaboration—for his most recent project, Timur uses Mia as one of his models, painting from photographs taken in milky water.

Standing above the models, he took pictures of their faces protruding from the surface.

Choosing images to use as reference, he began developing a series of paintings.

The forms of the models’

faces are smoothly surrounded by sensitive interpretations of the surface of the water, giving the works an ethereal quality. One of the paintings is from a blurry photo that he selected to add a new level of difficulty to his process.

“The challenge of it is there are no sharp features, so I’m trying to accomplish the blurriness with a water based medium.”

Timur has recently been infatuated with tempera, an egg-based paint that is water soluble. “I’m slowly switching to egg paint. I think it’s more archival than gouache, although I have always enjoyed designer’s gouache.”

Though their textures are similar, there is a significant difference in the color availability of gouache and tempera. With designer’s gouache, a full color spectrum is available, so the possible palettes are almost endless.

Tempera offers more of a restricted palette, but the pigments give the colors a distinctive richness and saturation—it was the most commonly used paint media until the renaissance, when oil became the industry standard.

It is also long-lasting, with some surviv-

ing tempera paintings being over a thousand years old.

When tempera dries, the colors become different— for instance, the ultramarine blue looks dark when it is wet, but makes a tint as it dries. This quality causes an artist to need a good deal of experience with the medium to anticipate the color changes.

Though he does paint from life (he is a master of plein air), Timur enjoys some of the advantages of photography.

“In these contemporary times, the evolution of technology is giving you a chance to catch something in motion where you couldn’t before. I wouldn’t be able to stand over Mia for three hours in a bathtub.”

His series of bathtub paintings is shaping up to be a perfect example of how photography is changing the art of painting—but one thing will never change, and that is that once a photograph is developed, it’s done—but as Timur reminds us, “Painting is never really finished.”

THU12.15 Nature Nuts: Nature’s Decorations

Crafting holiday decorations from the wild and for the wild.

5 p.m.

Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (800) 262-0695 tnaqua.org

FRI12.16 It's A Wonderful Life

The classic tale of Bedford Falls and one man's holiday redemption.

7:30 p.m.

Historic Mars Theater 117 N. Chattanooga St. LaFayette, GA (706) 996-8350 backalleyproductions.org

SAT12.17 'Nooga Nutcracker

Local dancers stage the beloved Christmas classic, perfect for family holiday entertainment.

7 p.m.

Chattanooga Dance Theater 5151 Austin Rd. (423) 760-8808 chattanoogadancetheatre.com

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 15, 2016 • THE PULSE • 15

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT CALENDAR

Steve Mingolla

THURSDAY12.15 Christmas Underground Noon Ruby Falls 1720 S. Scenic Hwy. (423) 800-0566 rubyfalls.com Ooltewah Farmers Market 3 p.m.

Ooltewah Nursery 5829 Main St. (423) 238-9775 ooltewahnursery.com Signal Mountain Farmers Market 4 p.m.

Pruett’s Market 1210 Taft Hwy. (423) 902-8023 signalmountainfarmersmarket.com St. Elmo Farmers Market 4 p.m.

Incline Railway 3917 St. Elmo Ave. (423) 838-9804 lookoutfarmersmarket.com Nature Nuts: Nature’s Decorations 5 p.m.

Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (800) 262-0695 tnaqua.org Holidays in the Passageways 5:30 p.m.

Downtown Chattanooga Starts at 730 Cherry St. (423) 265-3700 passagewayschattanooga.com Homebuyer Orientation 5:30 p.m.

Chattanooga Neighborhood

16 • THE PULSE • DECEMEBR 15, 2016 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

Enterprise 1500 Chestnut St. #102 (423) 756-6201 cneinc.org North Pole Limited Train Rides 5:45 p.m.

Chattanooga Grand Junction 4119 Cromwell Rd. (423) 894-4028 tvrail.com Cinematics: Generation Startup 6 p.m.

The Edney Innovation Center 1100 Market St. (423) 643-6770 theedney.com Miracle on 34th Street 7 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com Steve Mingolla

7:30 p.m.

The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com Enchanted Garden of Lights 8 p.m.

Rock City 1400 Patten Rd. (706) 820-2531 seerockcity.com

FRIDAY12.16 3rd Street Farmers Market 10:30 a.m.

Erlanger Hospital Medical Mall 975 E. 3rd St. lookoutfarmersmarket.com Christmas Underground Noon Ruby Falls 1720 S. Scenic Hwy.

PULSE SPOTLIGHT: JIGGY New York City based stand up comedian Jiggy brings his one man show, 50 First Dates, Zero Second Dates, to the Barking Legs Theater for its Tennessee debut.

Jiggy Friday, 8 p.m.

Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave. barkinglegs.org

(423) 800-0566 rubyfalls.com North Pole Limited Train Rides 5:45 p.m.

Chattanooga Grand Junction 4119 Cromwell Rd. (423) 894-4028 tvrail.com Art Throw Down: Akhriev & Bergeron 6 p.m.

Townsend Atelier 301 E. 11th St. (423) 266-2712 townsendatelier.com 'Nooga Nutcracker 7 p.m.

Chattanooga Dance Theater 5151 Austin Rd. (423) 760-8808 chattanoogadancetheatre.com James Gregory 7:30 p.m.

The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com A Christmas Carol 7:30 p.m.

Midtown Central 911 Eastgate Loop (423) 602-8640 It's A Wonderful Life 7:30 p.m.

Historic Mars Theater 117 N. Chattanooga St. LaFayette, GA (706) 996-8350 backalleyproductions.org Enchanted Garden of Lights 8 p.m.

Rock City 1400 Patten Rd. (706) 820-2531

THE PULSE X

HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE X

2016

THE PULSE • HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE • DECEMBER 15, 2016 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • 17

2016

HOLIDAY GIFT Guide

Holiday gift ideas from around the city and around the world Wake up on Gotham City time with a heroic-sized LEGO DC Universe Super Heroes Batman Minifigure Clock with an alarm! Wake up in time to save Gotham City, or just to make some lobster thermidor (LEGO Batman’s favorite meal). With moveable arms and legs because why not? Be the hero you deserve and never be late getting up again. $25, walmart.com

This sleek, sporty Fitbit Charge 2 motivates you to achieve your fitness goals by calculating steps taken, calories burned, elevation climbed and distance traveled throughout the day. Record your workouts with multi-sport modes that give you realtime stats on screen or use the on-board SmartTrack technology to automatically detect and record all your exercise date to workout smarter. $115, accessories2016.com

18 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 15, 2016 • HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

Enjoy all the fun and color of Christmas lights without the high electric bill with these matching Christmas Tree Light Footie Pajamas. Made to fit both men and women, extra roomy and comes with a classic drop seat back. And it even has pockets (to keep your hands warm, of course)! $30, pajamacity.com

Learn more about the world’s most inappropriate spy with The Art of Archer, a visual guide packed with storyboards, sketches, and script excerpts—making it a collector’s item for Archer fans everywhere, and featuring a foreword by Christian Slater. And if you haven't seen Archer before, what are you waiting for? It's the best thing on TV since...well... since that show you really loved that got cancelled. $26, amazon.com

Make snack time a fun time at home with the Soft Serve Ice Cream Maker from Cuisinart.

It produces 1 1/2 qts. of soft serve ice cream, yogurt, sorbet, or sherbet in 35 minutes without the need for chemicals, salt, or ice, and allows you to mix your own toppings from three separate hoppers. $99, hammacher.com

The Peanuts Charlie Brown Christmas Tree has become one of the most recognizable and heart-warming holiday icons. With its wilted branch and single ornament, finished with Linus’ blanket as the tree skirt, all you need to add is love. This tree will bring the true spirit of Christmas to your holiday season. $10, toysrus.com

THE PULSE • HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE • DECEMBER 15, 2016 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • 19

HOLIDAY

Guys, plaids have been in style for hundreds of years, so you can’t go wrong in the Timberland Peabody River check shirts. These comfy shirts complement your cooler-weather look. $70, timberland.com

GIFT Guide

Keep your bartending repertoire at hand and streamline your mixology with this set of clever Cocktail Recipe Glasses. Each glass features four formulas--one on each side--for concoctions based on their main spirits: gin, rum, vodka and whiskey. $21, uncommongoods.com

For the music loving reader on your list, “A Crafty Cigarette, Tales of a Teenage Mod” by British author Matteo Sedarazzi is a powerful story of a teenager coming of age in the 70s as seen through his eyes, who, on the cusp of adulthood, discovers a band that is new to him, The Jam, which leads him into becoming a Mod. $8.50, barnesandnoble.com

20 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 15, 2016 • HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

Regular cutting boards sit awkwardly somewhere while they dry. Knives get cleaned only to go back into a block or drawer. Not so with Chop Cutting Boards, which uses two solid wood cutting boards that magnetically attach to two sides of a vertical knife rack to create an all-in-one storage station that also works as a drying rack and kitchen display piece. $65, coolmaterial.com

For the soon-to-graduate college student or the young professional who needs to retire their ratty college backpack, the Leftfield Laptop Casual Bag is sophisticated enough for on-the-job use. $46, chanchanbag.com

Ladies, this artsy BMC Clutch Handbag will add a whole lot of pizzazz to your ensemble. Internal pockets keep everything organized while the outside screams style.

Stylish and practical: the perfect handbag combination. $21, bmcwear.com

Bake perfect cookies with the Wilton Holiday Cookie Pan every time. Just press your favorite type of cookie dough into the pre-shaped cavities and bake. Non-stick for easy release (which is always a plus during holiday baking time). In fact, all you need to do when the cookies are done is add frosting, decorate them a bit, and then eat. $10, cakeart.com

A handcrafted culinary masterpiece, this Organic Bay Leaf Wreath is made to order from California-grown herbs.

Certified organic bay leaves are hand woven into an aromatic and eye-pleasing edible wreath, accented with three sets of bright red chili peppers for a festive, holiday touch. $55, bambeco.com

Ultra lightweight and streamlined, the Photive HF1 Wireless Bluetooth Headphones have a low profile, but deliver stunning, high-resolution audio. Get the performance of high end brands in an inexpensive cool comfortable alternative.

Compatible with most smartphones and tablets including the iPhone, iPad and Galaxy. With eyecatching, yet lightweight materials, the HF1 is supremely comfortable for long wear. $40, photive.com

It’s been 21 years since Gary Larson ended the amazing Far Side cartoon. Now, you can relive all the zany glory of one of the most innovative comics of all time with The Complete Far Side. A masterpiece of comic brilliance, it contains every Far Side cartoon ever syndicated--over 4,000 if you must know--presented in (more or less) chronological order by year of publication , with more than 1,100 that had never before appeared in a book. $55, abebooks.com THE PULSE • HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE • DECEMBER 15, 2016 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • 21

HOLIDAY GIFT Guide

This Beer Bottle Holster is the perfect party accessory for your next hoedown or get together. It holds your favorite beverage to allow free use of your hands for any activity you may otherwise be engaged in. Suitable for holstering either a bottle or can of your favorite beverage. $20, fairlyoddtreasures.com

A remarkable shoe that’s soft, lightweight, breathable, and fits your every move. The Allbirds Wool Runner is made from an innovative merino fabric that conforms to your foot like no other shoe, so there’s never any rubbing or pinching. Just cruising, schmoozing, and never-removing, for wherever you go. $95, allbirds.com

For someone who is looking for something that is different, this wooden nose shaped Spectacle Holder serves as an essential and useful accessory for a functional stand to keep your glasses in a safe place. The perfect gift for someone who is always forgetting where they left their glasses. $14, amazon.com

22 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 15, 2016 • HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

Whether you’re working in the garage or just kicking back on a day off, the Tool Chest Mini Fridge has got what you need. It may look like a red six drawer tool chest, but it cleverly disguises a mini fridge on the bottom and has two functional tool drawers on the top. The perfect addition to any workshop, garage, man cave, or construction site. $350, summitracing.com

Bring the magic of flight to a whole new dimension with the Star Wars T-65 X-Wing Starfighter Battle Quad.

The remote fighter reaches speeds of up to 35 mph for increased excitement, and you can easily maneuver loops and stunts to impress your friends. $240, bedbathandbeyond.com

This beautiful Handmade Sari Scarf from Alexa’s Angels features a patchwork of overlapping strips and straight line embroidery. Don’t let the drab winter months get you down; add a bright spot of color and style to your winter wardrobe. $25, shoptiques.com

Nearly everyone loves to play with a flying disc, be it for golf or Ultimate or just in the backyard. Yet what do you do when it gets dark? With the Night Flyers Airbender you just flip a switch and watch it zoom through the air with a glowing green light. Not recommended near Area 51, though. $8, fatbraintoys.com

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24 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 15, 2016 • HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT CALENDAR

PJs and the Polar Express seerockcity.com Miracle on 34th Street 8 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com Jiggy: 50 First Dates, Zero Second Dates 8 p.m.

Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347 barkinglegs.org Steve Mingolla 9:45 p.m.

The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

SATURDAY12.17 Wauhatchie Trail Run 8 a.m.

Reflection Riding Arboretum and Nature Center 400 Garden Rd. (423) 821-1160 reflectionriding.org PJs and the Polar Express 9:30 a.m.

Tennessee Aquarium IMAX 201 Chestnut St. (423) 266-4629 tnaqua.org/imax Chattanooga Holiday Market 10 a.m.

Chattanooga Convention Center 1150 Carter St. (423) 402-9957 chattanoogamarket.com

Brainerd Farmers Market 10 a.m.

Grace Episcopal Church 20 Belvoir Ave. (404) 245-3682 Northside Farmers Market 10 am.

Northside Presbyterian Church 923 Mississippi Ave. (423) 266-7497 St. Alban’s Hixson Market 10 a.m.

St. Alban’s Episcopal Church 7514 Hixson Pike (423) 842-6303 Lookout Mountain 50 Miler Noon Lookout Mountain wildtrails.org Hang it on the Tree Noon The Houston Museum of Decorative Arts 201 High St. (423) 267-7176 thehoustonmuseum.org Christmas Underground Noon Ruby Falls 1720 S. Scenic Hwy. (423) 800-0566 rubyfalls.com Artful Yoga: Holiday Flow 1:30 p.m.

The Hunter Museum of American Art 10 Bluff View (423) 267-0968 huntermuseum.org Ballet Tennessee presents “A Christmas Carol” 2, 7:30 p.m.

UTC Fine Arts Center 752 Vine St.

423) 821-2055 ballettennessee.org Miracle on 34th Street 2:30, 8 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com A Christmas Carol 2:30, 7:30 p.m.

Midtown Central 911 Eastgate Loop (423) 602-8640 North Pole Limited Train Rides 5:45 p.m.

Chattanooga Grand Junction 4119 Cromwell Rd. (423) 894-4028 tvrail.com 'Nooga Nutcracker 7 p.m.

Chattanooga Dance Theater 5151 Austin Rd. (423) 760-8808 chattanoogadancetheatre.com James Gregory 7, 9:15 p.m.

The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com It's A Wonderful Life 7:30 p.m.

Historic Mars Theater 117 N. Chattanooga St. LaFayette, GA (706) 996-8350 backalleyproductions.org CSO: Home for the Holidays 7:30 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. (423) 267-8583

chattanoogasymphony.org Enchanted Garden of Lights 8 p.m.

Rock City 1400 Patten Rd. (706) 820-2531 seerockcity.com

SUNDAY12.18 PJs and the Polar Express 9:30 a.m.

Tennessee Aquarium IMAX 201 Chestnut St. (423) 266-4629 tnaqua.org/imax Chattanooga Holiday Market 11 a.m.

Chattanooga Convention Center 1150 Carter St. (423) 402-9957 chattanoogamarket.com Christmas Underground Noon Ruby Falls 1720 S. Scenic Hwy. (423) 800-0566 rubyfalls.com 'Nooga Nutcracker 2 p.m.

Chattanooga Dance Theater 5151 Austin Rd. (423) 760-8808 chattanoogadancetheatre.com A Christmas Carol 2:30 p.m.

Midtown Central 911 Eastgate Loop (423) 602-8640 It's A Wonderful Life 2:30 p.m.

Historic Mars Theater CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 15, 2016 • THE PULSE • 25

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT CALENDAR

Moscow Ballet's Great Russian Nutcracker 117 N. Chattanooga St. LaFayette, GA (706) 996-8350 backalleyproductions.org Miracle on 34th Street 2:30 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com CSO: Home for the Holidays 3 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. (423) 267-8583 chattanoogasymphony.org North Pole Limited Train Rides 5:45 p.m.

Chattanooga Grand Junction 4119 Cromwell Rd. (423) 894-4028 tvrail.com GR Goodwin & Friends 7:30 p.m.

The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com Enchanted Garden of Lights 8 p.m.

Rock City 1400 Patten Rd. (706) 820-2531 seerockcity.com

MONDAY12.19 Christmas Underground Noon Ruby Falls 1720 S. Scenic Hwy. (423) 800-0566

26 • THE PULSE • DECEMEBR 15, 2016 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

rubyfalls.com Red Bank Farmers Market 4 p.m.

Red Bank United Methodist Church 3800 Dayton Blvd.

(423) 838-9804 lookoutfarmersmarket.com North Pole Limited Train Rides 5:45 p.m.

Chattanooga Grand Junction 4119 Cromwell Rd. (423) 894-4028 tvrail.com Street Cycling 101 6 p.m.

Outdoor Chattanooga 200 River St. (423) 643-6888 outdoorchattanooga.com Enchanted Garden of Lights 8 p.m.

Rock City 1400 Patten Rd. (706) 820-2531 seerockcity.com

TUESDAY12.20 Christmas Underground Noon Ruby Falls 1720 S. Scenic Hwy. (423) 800-0566 rubyfalls.com East Brainerd Farmers Market 4 p.m.

Audubon Acres 900 N. Sanctuary Rd. (423) 838-9804 lookoutfarmersmarket.com North Pole Limited

Train Rides 5:45 p.m.

Chattanooga Grand Junction 4119 Cromwell Rd. (423) 894-4028 tvrail.com Miracle on 34th Street 7 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com Comedy Buffet with Dave Wait 8 p.m.

JJ's Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-1400 jjsbohemia.com Enchanted Garden of Lights 8 p.m.

Rock City 1400 Patten Rd. (706) 820-2531 seerockcity.com

WEDNESDAY12.21 Middle East Dance 10:30 a.m.

Jewish Cultural Center 5461 North Terrace (423) 493-0270 jewishchattanooga.com Christmas Underground Noon Ruby Falls 1720 S. Scenic Hwy. (423) 800-0566 rubyfalls.com Main Street Market 4 p.m.

325 E. Main St.

mainstfarmersmarket.com North Pole Limited Train Rides 5:45 p.m.

Chattanooga Grand Junction 4119 Cromwell Rd. (423) 894-4028 tvrail.com Wednesday Night Chess Club 6 p.m.

Downtown Library 1001 Broad St. (423) 643-7700 chattilibrary.com Miracle on 34th Street 7 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com Moscow Ballet's Great Russian Nutcracker 7 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. (800) 320-1733 tivolichattanooga.com Open Mic Wednesday 7 p.m.

The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com Enchanted Garden of Lights 8 p.m.

Rock City 1400 Patten Rd. (706) 820-2531 seerockcity.com Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

FOOD & DRINK ∙ MIXOLOGY

Baking With Booze For The Holidays Enjoying liquor-infused baked goods for your holiday gathering

By Stephanie Smith Pulse contributor

F

RUITCAKE. A POLARIZING FOOD. Much like eggnog, I find that fruitcake is a subject that most people don’t want to talk about. In general, when you mention eating fruitcake you are on the receiving end of scrunched up faces and gagging sounds of some people who have had a really bad experience with this much maligned baked good. This does not have to be the case.

Traditionally made with rum and dried fruits, fruitcake can be a good staple for the holiday season because its flavors are a good accompaniment to so many meals.

The booze keeps the cake fresh for a long time (hence so many shipping options for the cake when bought commercially). Recipes abound on the internet, including foodtv.com and epicurious.net, not to mention chef Roland Meisner’s recipe that has been a staple at the White House for many years.

I would be remiss in this commentary about boozy fruitcake delights if I did not mention that new Tennessee classic: the Jack Daniels fruitcake. It’s more Jack than cake, so if you’re not prepared, you don’t need to finish the cake alone and drive home.

An alternative to fruitcake, rumballs are also popular this time of year. With similar flavors and the same staying power as the cake (dough that is storable in the fridge for a week up to a month and then even freezable in most cases), it is a great option for the perpetual party host/hostess.

Chances are, though, that this is a baked good you’ll be making yourself, so if you need convenience, stick with the pre-fab fruitcake option.

If rum is not your liquor of choice, brandy

and bourbon are great alternatives that can be infused into many desserts. (There is also a Booze Balls recipe on foodtv.com). Like the fruitcakes, the traditional pairing with booze is some kind of fruit.

Apples with a bourbon glaze or brandy-soaked pears are great finishes to savory meals like pork chops or beef roasts with ovenroasted root vegetables. Custards, ice cream, cheesecakes and pound cakes round out and make a complete dessert, and the booze-soaked fruits are also a nice “adult” side dish to the kiddy dessert cookies.

And then there is the most recognizable of the booze-drenched desserts…tiramisu. While the traditional Italian recipe has no liquor, most recipes you find today will contain rum, coffee, cocoa, ladyfingers and custard. Many restaurants will claim to make an excellent tiramisu, but it is a difficult dessert to make well due to trying to strike the right balance of alcohol with the delicate ladyfingers and creamy custard.

There are many “out there” combinations of liquors and baked goods as well. Though not necessarily created for the holiday season, they are nonetheless festive…and why shouldn’t they be?

Fruitcakes don’t corner the market on booze-infused flavor. As I was researching this column, I found many that I would like to try.

Margaritas, anyone? Try a strawberry margarita cupcake or margarita lime cake. Citrus is your

“Traditionally made with rum and dried fruits, fruitcake can be a good staple for the holiday season because its flavors are a good accompaniment to so many meals.” thing? Try a mojito cupcake or a limoncello cake. Amaretto and coffee flavors pair well together in a cake, as does dark chocolate with red wine or chocolate ganache frosting with raspberry Chambourd liqueur.

And when in doubt (or as a bonus), go for reinforcements with the toddy. This concoction of liquor, hot water, honey or syrup, and bitters or lemon is said to cure the common cold—but will also

make any dessert a little merrier.

The Classic Hot Toddy (courtesy winemag.com) • 1 1/2 oz. brown liquor such as brandy, whiskey or rum • 1 tablespoon honey • 1/2 oz. lemon juice • 1 cup hot water Combine the first four ingredients into the bottom of a warmed mug. Garnish with the lemon, cinnamon stick or star anise.

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 15, 2016 • THE PULSE • 27

MUSIC

What Goes On Behind The Music Scene?

Local music venue promoters on the search for the best talent they can find (and afford)

CSO Brings It Home For The Holidays There’s something romantic about the idea of taking in a show while the wintry night grows chillier just outside the confines of the theatre.

Maybe it’s just the holidays getting us into a creative spirit, but watching a performance by the Chattanooga Symphony seems like the perfect winter evening in Chattanooga.

With the romance of the symphony of beautiful instruments and resounding voices, you’d be hard-pressed to find a reason not to attend the CSO’s “Home for the Holidays” this Saturday and Sunday at the Tivoli.

Conductor Jim Stephenson took care to provide an especially entertaining concert, incorporating fun, popular music with beloved, classical holiday music that is sure to engage children as well as adults. Michele Ragusa will be the vocalist with a special appearance by Chattanooga-based artist Neshawn Calloway.

If you do decide to bring the little ones along, you can find Santa in the lobby for pre-concert and intermission photos as well as wish-giving at both performances. It’ll be a night of spectacular music, as always by the CSO, and the perfect event to peak your Christmas spirit this holiday season.

Tickets start at $21 while supplies last, and students and children at $15. Purchase tickets at chattanoogasymphony.org — Brooke Brown CSO: Home For The Holidays Saturday, 7:30 p.m & Sunday, 3 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. (423) 267-8583 chattanoogasymphony.org 28 • THE PULSE • DECEMEBR 15, 2016 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

By Marc T. Michael Pulse Music Editor

N

O ONE CAN DENY THAT TALENT IS the cornerstone of a great music scene, but it takes more than talent alone.

Many a great band can attest that no matter how clever, innovative or original you may be, it doesn’t mean much without good venues, willing promoters, and an audience that actually cares enough to go see live music.

Chattanooga is fortunate to have some excellent venues (could always use more of course) and the crowds here that were so notoriously fickle in the nineties have slowly but surely grown in to one that is enthusiastically supportive. That just leaves the promoters, the people

who go out and find the talent.

That’s a tough row to hoe. Every bid to bring in a band is a gamble with the club’s money.

Too many misses and you find yourself quickly and unceremoniously unemployed. Coffee is for closers, after all. Predicting what an audience may like requires immersing yourself in the scene further than most, and it goes without saying that if you aren’t passionate about what you do, if you’re only in it to make a buck, you aren’t going to make it far or for very long.

There are the big name acts, of course, a sure thing you can (almost) bank on, but their reputation comes at a premium. They are expensive to book and necessitate a capacity crowd just to make your money back, much less turn a profit.

A bit of bad weather, a competing event…hell,

MUSIC

“Buying talent at this level is akin to running through the yard of your neighbor who has six big dogs with high-protein diets. It is a minefield of doggy-bombs waiting to be stepped in and tracked back in to the house.” midterms, final or work on Monday are all factors that can make or break you with the heavy hitters.

Then of course, there’s the talent that is, shall we say, economical. You absolutely can find some gems there, great bands that are still in the early stages of building their reputations and how satisfying it must be not only to find a talented bargain, but to know that you helped along a band that is going to be big one of these days.

Unfortunately, buying talent at this level is akin to running through the yard of your neighbor who has six big dogs with high-protein diets. It is a minefield of doggy-bombs waiting to be stepped in and tracked back in to the house.

Best of all is that sweet-spot where bands are on the cusp of being a big damn deal. They’ve paid a lot of dues, developed a great act, and are on their way, but still affordable and essentially, the best bang for

the buck. The best promoters have a knack for finding these bands and Chattanooga has more than a few who have developed that reputation. John over at JJ’s is a great example.

Another is Drew Cooper, the talent buyer at Clyde’s On Main who got an unsolicited shout-out in this column several months back after I reviewed a string of incredibly talented bands that came through Clyde’s. So, in my best Farnsworthian voice, “Good news everybody.”

Drew is the new talent buyer at Revelry Room, a venue already known for great shows. This is a very good match, ladies and gentleman, a smart match. Drew’s commitment to scouting out the best and brightest rising stars is certain to raise the bar at a venue whose bar is already impressively high.

Best of luck Drew, and I know plenty of people are looking forward to seeing what you do next.

It's Another Big Musical Weekend In Chatt-Town Never say “there's nothing to do in this town”

Earphorik

Christmas is right around the corner and with the holiday season in full-swing there is plenty going on this weekend in the Scenic City.

Friday night is Krampusnacht ’16 at JJ’s Bohemia. The kids in the Subterranean Cirqus present their annual Christmas/Krampus bash as only they can. Feats of strength, airing of grievances, gross stuff, weird stuff, sexy clowns, Genki Genki Panic, and a trans-dimensional goat/god/ thing.

The show starts at 9 p.m. and is as much a holiday tradition as the Grinch and angry relatives.

Progressive funk/jam band Ear-

phorik will bring their smart brand of music to Clyde’s on Main on Saturday, concluding a short but exhaustive month long tour.

And Sunday night the Honest Pint hosts the 10th Annual Molly Jolly Christmas show featuring the Wolfhounds, Molly Maguires, Meg Greene, Megan Clark and a host of other special guests and surprises.

As always, there is no cover charge.

And if that wasn’t enough, check out the music calendar on the next three pages. All told, there are 38 different concerts happening Friday through Sunday alone. Yeah, it’s a musical city. — Marc. T. Michael

THU12.15

FRI12.16

SAT12.17

River City Sessions: Appalachian Christmas

Wayne-O-Rama Concert Series

Ziggy's Rock For Toys

Just in time for the holidays, River City Sessions gets down and twangy for footstomping Christmas cheer.

7:30 p.m.

Granfalloon 400 E. Main St. granfalloonchattanooga.com

Celebrating artist Wayne White with Jeff Crompton Trio and Robert Fleitz: Toy Piano Virtuoso 8 p.m.

Wayne-O-Rama 1800 Rossville Ave. shakingray.com

With Cheering Tokyo, Silver Tongued Devilz, Sparky: The Band, and The Exception. Bring a toy for admission to the show.

7 p.m Ziggy's Bar & Grill 607 Cherokee Blvd. ziggysbarandgrill.net

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 15, 2016 • THE PULSE • 29

LIVE MUSIC CALENDAR

Captain Midnight Band

THURSDAY12.15 James Crumble Trio 6 p.m.

St. John's Meeting Place 1278 Market St. stjohnsrestaurant.com Rick Rushing Blues Jazz N’ Friends 6 p.m.

Bluewater Grille 224 Broad St. bluewaterchattanooga.com Live Bluegrass 6:30 p.m.

Whole Foods Market 301 Manufacturers Rd. wholefoodsmarket.com Prime Country Band 6:30 p.m.

Motley's 320 Emberson Dr. Ringgold, GA (706) 260-8404 Jimmy Harris 7 p.m.

The Coconut Room 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com River City Sessions: Appalachian Christmas 7:30 p.m.

Granfalloon 400 E. Main St. granfalloonchattanooga.com Bluegrass Thursdays 7:30 p.m.

Feed Co. Table & Tavern 201 W. Main St. feedtableandtavern.com Jesse James & Tim Neal 7:30 p.m.

Mexi-Wing VII

30 • THE PULSE • DECEMEBR 15, 2016 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

5773 Brainerd Rd. mexi-wingchattanooga.com Keepin’ It Local 8 p.m.

The Social 1110 Market St. publichousechattanooga.com Futurebirds, Okinawa 9 p.m.

Revelry Room 41 Station St. revelryroom.co Jeff the Brotherhood, mom and dad 9 p.m.

JJ's Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com Open Mic with Hap Henninger 9 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com

FRIDAY12.16 SOUND with Michael Kendall 8:30 a.m.

The Edney 1100 Market St. theedney.com Eddie Pontiac 6 p.m.

El Meson 2204 Hamilton Place Blvd. elmesonrestaurant.com Binji Varsossa 6 p.m.

Cancun Mexican Restaurant & Lounge 1809 Broad St. (423) 266-1461 Tim Lewis 7 p.m.

El Meson 248 Northgate Park elmesonchattanooga.com

PULSE SPOTLIGHT: HAP HENNINGER A student of musical history (ask him about Brian Eno some time), Hap Henninger brings his own unique style to his often introspective original tunes. A true singer-songwriter.

Hap Henninger Friday, 9 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com

Jimmy Harris 7 p.m.

The Coconut Room 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Courtney Daly Band 7 p.m.

Elks Lodge #91 1067 Graysville Rd. (423) 894-8850 Something Else 8 p.m.

Mayo's Bar and Grill 3820 Brainerd Rd. mayosbarandgrill.com Wayne-O-Rama Concert Series with Jeff Crompton Trio and Robert Fleitz: Toy Piano Virtuoso 8 p.m.

Wayne-O-Rama 1800 Rossville Ave. shakingray.com Priscilla & Lil’ Rickee 8:30 p.m.

The Foundry 1201 Broad St. chattanooganhotel.com Krampus with Subterranean Cirquis 9 p.m.

JJ's Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com Neon Moon: The Ultimate 90's Country Tribute Band 9 p.m.

Revelry Room 41 Station St. revelryroom.co Hap Henninger 9 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St.

LIVE MUSIC CALENDAR

Phantogram citycafemenu.com Cody James Harris 9 p.m.

Puckett’s Grocery and Restaurant 2 W. Aquarium Way puckettsgro.com/chattanooga Captain Midnight Band 10 p.m.

Clyde’s On Main 122 W. Main St. clydesonmain.com Dayshawn 10 p.m.

Raw Bar & Grill 409 Market St. rawbarandgrillchatt.com One Night Stand 10 p.m.

Bud's Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. budssportsbar.com

SATURDAY12.17 Sweet Georgia Sound 10 a.m.

Convention Center 1150 Carter St. (423) 402-9957 chattanoogamarket.com Eddie Pontiac 6 p.m.

El Meson 2204 Hamilton Place Blvd. elmesonrestaurant.com Binji Varsossa 6 p.m.

Cancun Mexican Restaurant & Lounge 1809 Broad St. (423) 266-1461 Ziggy's Rock For Toys with

Cheering Tokyo, Silver Tongued Devilz, Sparky: The Band, The Exception 7 p.m Ziggy's Bar & Grill 607 Cherokee Blvd. ziggysbarandgrill.net Tim Lewis 7 p.m.

El Meson 248 Northgate Park elmesonchattanooga.com Jimmy Harris 7 p.m.

The Coconut Room 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com CSO: Home for the Holidays 7:30 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. (423) 267-8583 chattanoogasymphony.org Priscilla & Lil’ Rickee 8:30 p.m.

The Foundry 1201 Broad St. chattanooganhotel.com Phantogram 9 p.m.

Track 29 1400 Market St. track29.co Rumours: A Fleetwood Mac Tribute 9 p.m.

Revelry Room 41 Station St. revelryroom.co Adam Bruno 9 p.m.

Puckett’s Grocery and Restaurant 2 W. Aquarium Way

puckettsgro.com/chattanooga Earphorik 10 p.m.

Clyde’s On Main 122 W. Main St. clydesonmain.com Resurrection Mary 10 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com Dayshawn 10 p.m.

Raw Bar & Grill 409 Market St. rawbarandgrillchatt.com One Night Stand 10 p.m.

Bud's Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. budssportsbar.com

SUNDAY12.18 Gordy Nichol & Bobby Burns 11 a.m.

Flying Squirrel Bar 55 Johnson St. flyingsquirrelbar.com Sweet Georgia Sound 11 a.m.

Convention Center 1150 Carter St. (423) 402-9957 chattanoogamarket.com Sons of Daughters 1:30 p.m.

Flying Squirrel Bar 55 Johnson St. flyingsquirrelbar.com CSO: Home for the Holidays 3 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre

709 Broad St. chattanoogasymphony.org Blues Benefit Concert for Woodmore Families with Deaconbluz and the Holy Smoke Band, Drew Sterchi's Blues Tribe, The ATL Horns 6 p.m.

Bessie Smith Cultural Center 200 E. MLK Blvd. bessiesmithcc.org Open Mic with Jeff Daniels 6 p.m.

Long Haul Saloon 2536 Cummings Hwy. (423) 822-9775 Behold the Brave Featuring The Gills and Mighty 9 p.m.

Revelry Room 41 Station St. revelryroom.co

MONDAY12.19 "Live Love, Give Love" Fundraiser with Tyler Martelli 7 p.m.

The Camp House 149 E. MLK Blvd. thecamphouse.com Monday Nite Big Band 7 p.m.

The Coconut Room 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Very Open Mic with Shawnessey Cargile 8 p.m.

The Well 1800 Rossville Blvd. #8 wellonthesouthside.com Open Mic Night CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 15, 2016 • THE PULSE • 31

LIVE MUSIC CALENDAR

The Other Guys 6 p.m.

Puckett’s Grocery 2 W. Aquarium Way puckettsgro.com Open Air with Jessica Nunn 7:30 p.m.

The Granfalloon 400 E. Main St. granfalloonchattanooga.com

TUESDAY12.20 Tom Cordell Trumpet Improv Ensemble 6 p.m.

Spring Hill Suites 495 Riverfront Pkwy. springhillsuites.com Bill McCallie and In Cahoots 6:30 p.m.

Southern Belle 201 Riverfront Pkwy. chattanoogariverboat.com Open Mic with Mike McDade 8 p.m.

Tremont Tavern 1203 Hixson Pike tremonttavern.com

WEDNESDAY12.21 Charley Yates 5 p.m.

American Legion Post #95 3329 Ringgold Rd. americanlegionpost95.org Eddie Pontiac 5:30 p.m.

El Meson 248 Northgate Park elmesonrestaurant.com The Other Guys

32 • THE PULSE • DECEMEBR 15, 2016 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

6 p.m.

SpringHill Suites 495 Riverfront Pkwy. springhillsuites.com Jimmy Harris 7 p.m.

The Coconut Room 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Joel Clyde 8 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com Priscilla & Little Rickee 8 p.m.

Las Margaritas 1101 Hixson Pike (423) 756-3332 Open Jam 8 p.m.

Raw Dance Club 409 Market St. rawbarandgrillchatt.com Dexter Bell Quartet 8 p.m.

Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave. barkinglegs.org Eric & Eric 8 p.m.

Bud’s Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. budssportsbar.com Prime Cut Trio 9 p.m.

The Palms at Hamilton 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com

Map these locations on chattanoogapulse. com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

RECORD REVIEWS ∙ ERNIE PAIK

Tom Challenger & Kit Downes Black Shuck, Yarn/Wire Currents Vol. 4

Tom Challenger & Kit Downes Black Shuck (Slip)

I

n British folklore, “black shuck” is a monstrous black ghost dog with flaming eyes that wanders the coasts, graveyards, forests and countrysides in the east part of England; if it crosses your path, it’s an ominous sign that death may not be far away.

It’s a fitting title for the latest release from the British duo of saxophonist Tom Challenger and keyboardist Kit Downes; with stretches of dark atmospherics and tense, foreboding rumbles, it aims to set a specific mood, unlike the duo’s earlier collaboration, Wedding Music, which sports a variety of approaches. Instead, Black Shuck expands upon the improvisational album Vyamanikal released earlier this year that was recorded in five different churches.

Black Shuck features two 10-minute-long tracks, with the first half featuring a seven-piece ensemble that includes mostly acoustic in-

strumentalists (Challenger, Downes, three string players and a percussionist) plus one player handling electronics.

Paradoxically, the first track packs a lot into ten minutes while giving the impression of a glacial pace, with drones, sound-fogs and no jarring movements.

This writer favors the second track, which just features the duo and immediately presents a soft, thick cloud of background noise as a bed for Downes’ faint organ stirrings and judicious notes from Challenger. Sparse clatter and non-melodic noises reverberate as if the recording was done in a huge, empty warehouse, providing a bleak and unsettling soundtrack.

Toward the end of the track, there is a tiny glimmer of optimism, when the background noise drops out, leaving Challenger alone and exposed; not quite beaten down, he supplies a plaintive but somewhat jazzy melody, like an attempt to decorate a cinder-block wall with a postcard. But alas, the noise returns, like a mythical beast that lurks in dark and spooky corners of listeners’ imaginations.

T

he Currents series from the quartet Yarn/Wire, formed by two percussionists and two pianists at Stony Brook University in 2005, spotlights adventurous piec-

Yarn/Wire Currents Vol. 4 (yarnwire.bandcamp.com)

es that were specifically commissioned for Yarn/Wire; these were written by both relatively young and more established composers with the ensemble’s instrumentation and abilities in mind.

The fourth installment from the group features a live concert recording made in September in Brooklyn, and the performance space is actually a vital component of the evening, as the sonic vibrations in the three pieces depend on the location’s acoustics.

Catherine Lamb is a composer who explores the interactions of tones, and her piece “curvo totalitas” uses a large metal square and circle to create a spellbinding drone. At one point, the piece sounds like an epic gong hit that is the aural equivalent of a tidal wave, and drama is created in the piece’s second half with a ramping volume.

In a recording studio, engineers isolate drum kits so that other instruments won’t make

the snares on a snare drum vibrate, but on “Oases,” vibrating snares are the main sound source. “Oases” was composed by Alvin Lucier, best known for experimental (literal definition, rather than the off-center catch-all definition) works that are based on resonance such as “I am sitting in a room” and “Music on a Long Thin Wire”; a vibraphone is struck, supplying a slow pulse, which causes snare drums carried by the other three performers to vibrate as they alter their positions in the performance hall.

As much as this writer admires Lucier’s work, this particular piece perhaps suffers from being a recording rather than being heard live, when sound variations are likely more pronounced, with only an increased tempo at the very end being an engaging moment.

The album’s third track, “Distance / Absence” by Anthony Vine offers the most variation of the three pieces, centering on a detuned zither that’s plucked and strummed so that its sounds are beyond recognition, interacting with confounding piano chords mirrored with struck percussion.

An imagined narrative develops in the listener’s mind, with high-frequency sustained squeals leading to a complex stew of notes and ending with a serene, wispy resolution.

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 15, 2016 • THE PULSE • 33

34 • THE PULSE • DECEMEBR 15, 2016 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY ally do any of those self-destructive things to achieve his unique tone.

In fact, he’s wealthy from selling his music, and has three kids with a woman to whom he’s been married for 36 years. I foresee a similar potential for you in the coming weeks and months. You may be able to capitalize on your harmless weirdness… to earn rewards by expressing your charming eccentricities…to be both strange and popular.

ROB BREZSNY SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Physicist Stephen Hawking is skeptical of the hypothesis that humans may someday be able to travel through time. To jokingly dramatize his belief, he threw a party for time travelers from the future. Sadly, not a single chrononaut showed up to enjoy the champagne and hors d’oeuvres Hawking had prepared.

Despite this discouraging evidence, I guarantee that you will have the potential to meet with Future Versions of You on a regular basis during the next nine months. These encounters are likely to be metaphorical or dreamlike rather than literal, but they will provide valuable information as you make decisions that affect your destiny for years to come.

The first of these heart-to-hearts should come very soon.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): During these last few weeks, you may have sometimes felt like smashing holes in the wall with your head, or dragging precious keepsakes into the middle of the street and setting them on fire, or delivering boxes full of garbage to people who don’t appreciate you as much as they should.

I hope you abstained from doing things like that. Now here are some prescriptions to help you graduate from unproductive impulses: Make or find a symbol of one of your mental blocks, and bash it to pieces with a hammer; clean and polish precious keepsakes, and perform rituals to reinvigorate your love for them; take as many trips to the dump as necessary to remove the congestion, dross, and rot from your environment.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Singersongwriter Tom Waits has a distinctive voice. One fan described it this way: “Like how you’d sound if you drank a quart of bourbon, smoked a pack of cigarettes and swallowed a pack of razor blades. Late at night.

After not sleeping for three days.”

Luckily, Waits doesn’t have to actu-

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Was punk rock born on June 4, 1976? A fledgling band known as the Sex Pistols played that night for a crowd of 40 people at a small venue in Manchester, England. Among the audience members was Morrissey, who got so inspired that he started his own band, The Smiths. Also in attendance was a rowdy guy who would soon launch the band Joy Division, despite the fact that he had never played an instrument. The men who would later form the Buzzcocks also saw the performance by Johnny Rotten and his crew. According to music critic David Nolan, these future pioneers came away from the June 4 show with the conclusion, “You don’t have to be a virtuoso or a musical genius to be in a band; anyone can do it.” I see parallels between this seminal event and your life in the coming weeks.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): “Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how,” said dancer Agnes De Mille. “We guess.

We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark.” As true as her words might be for most of us much of the time, I suspect they don’t apply to you right now. This is one of those rare moments when feeling total certainty is justified.

Your vision is extra clear and farseeing. Your good humor and expansive spirit will ensure that you stay humble. As you take leap after leap, you’ll be surrounded by light.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): “We are torn between nostalgia for the familiar and an urge for the foreign and strange,” wrote author Carson McCullers. Are you ready to give that adage a twist, Taurus? In the coming weeks, I think you should search for foreign and strange qualities in your familiar world. Such a quest may initially feel odd, but will ultimately be healthy and interesting. It will also be good preparation for the next chapter of your life, when you will saunter out into unknown territory and find ways to feel at home there.

Homework: Talk about the pleasures you’d enjoy if you went a week without consuming any media. Write: Truthrooster@gmail.com GEMINI (May 21-June 20): “If you don’t use your own imagination, somebody else is going to use it for you,” said writer Ronald Sukenick.

That’s always true, but it will be especially important for you to keep in mind in 2017. You Geminis will have an unparalleled power to enlarge, refine, and tap into your imagination.

You’ll be blessed with the motivation and ingenuity to make it work for you in new ways, which could enable you to accomplish marvelous feats of creativity and self-transformation.

Now here’s a warning: If you DON’T use your willower to take advantage of these potentials, your imagination will be subject to atrophy and colonization.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Why are Australian sand wasps so skilled at finding their way back home after being out all day? Here’s their trick: When they first leave the nest each morning, they fly backwards, imprinting on their memory banks the sights they will look for when they return later. Furthermore, their exiting flight path is a slow and systematic zigzag pattern that orients them from multiple directions. I recommend that you draw inspiration from the sand wasps in 2017, Cancerian. One of your important tasks will be to keep finding your way back to your spiritual home, over and over again.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Vault 21, a restaurant in Dunedin, New Zealand, serves sautéed locusts. For $5, patrons receive a plate of five. The menu refers to the dish not as “Oily Sizzling Grasshoppers,” but rather as “Sky Prawns.” Satisfied customers know exactly what they’re eating, and some say the taste does indeed resemble prawns. I bring this to your attention, Leo, because it illustrates a talent you will have in abundance during 2017: re-branding. You’ll know how to maximize the attractiveness and desirability of things by presenting them in the best possible light.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The literal translation of the German word Kummerspeck is “grief bacon.” It refers to

the weight gained by people who, while wallowing in self-pity, eat an excess of comfort food. I know more than a few Virgos who have been flirting with this development lately, although the trigger seems to be self-doubt as much as self-pity. In any case, here’s the good news: The trend is about to flip. A flow of agreeable adventures is due to begin soon.

You’ll be prodded by fun challenges and provocative stimuli that will boost your confidence and discourage Kummerspeck.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): “Since you are like no other being ever created since the beginning of time, you are incomparable,” wrote journalist Brenda Ueland. Pause for a moment and fully take in that fact, Libra. It’s breathtaking and daunting. What a huge responsibility it is to be absolutely unique. In fact, it’s so monumental that you may still be shy about living up to it. But how about if you make 2017 the year you finally come into your own as the awesomely unprecedented creature that you are? I dare you to more fully acknowledge and express your singular destiny. Start today!

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): “To dream…to dream has been the business of my life,” wrote author Edgar Allan Poe. I don’t expect you to match his devotion to dreams in 2017, Scorpio, but I do hope you will become more deeply engaged with your waking fantasies and the stories that unfold as you lie sleeping. Why? Because your usual approaches to gathering useful information won’t be sufficient. To be successful, both in the spiritual and worldly senses, you’ll need extra access to perspectives that come from beyond your rational mind. Here’s a good motto for you in 2017: “I am a lavish and practical dreamer.”

Rob Brezsny is an aspiring master of curiosity, perpetrator of sacred uproar, and founder of the Beauty and Truth Lab. He brings a literate, myth-savvy perspective to his work.

It’s all in the stars.

The List Christmas Trees

By The Numbers

The evergreen fir tree has traditionally been used to celebrate winter festivals and religious holidays for thousands of years.

Our friends at the Statistic Brain Research Institute checked with the National Christmas Tree Association for some insights.

• Number of harvested Christmas trees sold in the U.S. each year: 34,500,000 • Number of artificial Christmas trees sold in the U.S. each year: 10,000,000 • Number of Christmas trees currently growing on Christmas tree farms: 350,000,000 • Average number of growing years before a Christmas tree is chopped down: 7 years • Percent of people who purchased a pre-cut tree at a Christmas tree lot or tree nursery: 84% • Percentage who cut down own tree: 16% • Total Spent on real Christmas trees: $1,225,000,000 • Total Spent on fake Christmas trees: $685,000,000 So enjoy your tree this year and have a very Merry Christmas.

Source: www.statisticbrain.com/ christmas-tree-statistics/

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 15, 2016 • THE PULSE • 35

OPINIONS & DIVERSIONS

36 • THE PULSE • DECEMEBR 15, 2016 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

JONESIN' CROSSWORD ∙ MATT JONES

“Make It Work”—a freestyle puzzle full of style.

ACROSS 1 Divisions of “The Hunger Games” series 10 One-named R&B singer with the hit “1, 2 Step” 15 Unaware 16 Historic account 17 1990 Warrant hit that was overplayed on MTV, but banned

by Canada’s MuchMusic 18 Urban Dictionary fodder 19 Need to unwind 20 So last week 21 Strong quality 22 Home to part of Lake Tahoe, for short 23 Essence from rose petals 24 “Guarding ___” (1994 Nicolas Cage movie) 26 Nearby 28 Put the ___ on (squelch) 31 Bezos or Buffett, e.g.

32 Enjoy Mt.

Hood, say 33 Eerie sign 34 Phone setting 36 Accessories often gifted in June 37 Bait shop purchase 38 1958-61 polit. alliance 39 “Nature ___ a vacuum” 41 Put under a spell 44 “Star Trek: TNG” counselor Deanna 45 South African playwright Fugard 46 Potential Snapchat debut of 2017 48 Track on a compilation album, maybe 52 “___ More” (Backstreet Boys song) 53 Broadcast 55 Chronicler of Don Juan 56 Exploiting, in England 57 Orange Free State colonizers

58 Cheapen 59 Chimichanga ingredient 60 Protectors of the orbs?

DOWN 1 Obiter ___ 2 “___ Life: The John Lennon Story” (2000 TV biopic) 3 Mushroom features 4 Like some cranes 5 Bumps an R down to a PG-13, perhaps 6 Peaceful poem 7 Barnyard fowls 8 Troika 9 More questionable, maybe 10 1980s defense secretary Weinberger 11 Tardy 12 Phish lead vocalist Trey 13 Rifle-man?

14 Suspected Soviet spy of the McCarthy era 25 Title sheep in a wordless

Aardman movie 27 Fenway star Garciaparra 28 Bulgogi or galbi, e.g.

29 “Can’t fool me!”

30 Source for wood used in Budweiser fermentation tanks 31 Ride, perhaps 35 Tropics definer 36 2016 NBC family drama full of surprise moments 40 Original host of “This Old House” 42 What some ribbons denote 43 Spanish Formula One racer Fernando 44 “I Want ___!”

(1958 Susan Hayward film) 47 “Freek-A-Leek” rapper ___ Pablo 49 Basketball Hallof-Famer Thomas 50 Al ___ (pasta request) 51 Neatens a lawn 54 Transportation to Tel Aviv

Copyright © 2016 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per3minute. Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle No. 810 CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 15, 2016 • THE PULSE • 37

COLUMN ∙ ON THE BEAT

Can We Stop Shooting Each Other?

Officer Alex reflects on the Sisyphean task of combating gun violence

Alex Teach

Pulse columnist

I

HAD THE LONGEST NIGHT THE OTher night…it’s like that sometimes. Oh, everyone has a long night now and then, don’t get me wrong. Some fly by, some are paced slow and steady as your heart, but mine wouldn’t end because people wouldn’t stop shooting at each other. And if that seems weird to you? Well then good, because it’s still weird to me.

I mean for shitssakes people, can you not just take a breather now and then? Turn the other cheek, not wuss out, but maybe put a day between that crap? I’m waking up, reading over last night’s plans to address the previous night’s shootings, and just when I think I’ve got a bead on the thing, “BAM!” (no, literally) and here I am again starting from scratch, all over again. New Plan. It’s killing me here, and now that I think of it, it’s killing a few other folks too, literally.

I’m at lunch with a buddy today and we’re just sitting down at a little known out of the way Subway off of Highway 153 (Italian BMT, white bread, toasted, with only light amounts of ranch and spicy mustard) and before I can settle into it properly, “BAM!” another shot is fired outside the store.

Seriously now, I’m eating here. Literally breaking bread in a restaurant that’s earned a place in my heart and my debit card for as long as either lasts, and even this isn’t a safe space. I am sad…then I remember the fact I just heard a gunshot in the not too

distant area outside, and the cruelty I confused with self-preservation finally hits the doorbell to my mental front door and runs away.

Nothing is found and no one calls in to report being perforated, but that was how the night went.

It was New Year’s Eve all over the place with a smattering of Independence Day for good measure.

Groups of consciousless young men straight out of the ending of the Lord of the Flies were beefing over the moral equivalent of “smudging a shoe” and the City was having to suffer for it, and we couldn’t find a cure.

An argument over a girl leads to a man shot, which of course leads to a retaliatory shooting, then the retaliations over the retaliations begin until the cycle is broken by arrest or depleted ammunition (or targets), but even death isn’t good enough in these cases.

We can do the math on the most likely shooters and the most likely targets, but even intervention akin to a scene straight out of Minority Report does little good. The cops and therefore the citizens alike just push a boulder up a hill only to have it roll back down on them over and over and over, yet like the sadly remorseless gang members themselves, it seems to do no good.

I have time for a bad cup of coffee before heading out to flip on my back-flashers, driving around a neighborhood slowly with blue lights partially on as a visual deter-

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“Groups of consciousless young men straight out of the ending of the Lord of the Flies were beefing over the moral equivalent of ‘smudging a shoe’. and the City was having to suffer for it, and we couldn’t find a cure.” rent to those still doing no good, and to remind the good ones we are still here for them. It seems absurd, but it was effective and that was good enough at the moment until a vaccine was invented to cure the apathy of these abandoned youth committing these crimes.

I rolled down the window a few inches to let the cold night air wake me up, and of course to be

able to better pinpoint the next few rounds fired.

“Best job in the world,” I muttered as I took another tepid sip.

And I smiled…because despite it all, I meant it.

When officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrolling our fair city on the heels of the criminal element, he spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center.

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 15, 2016 • THE PULSE • 39