The Pulse 15.51 » December 20, 2018

DECEMBER 20, 2018

CHATTANOOGA'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE

A CHRISTMAS JOURNEY JAR GIVE YOURSELF THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING

SCULPTOR KEN JENSEN ▪ MUSICAL YEAR IN REVIEW ▪ THE HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE

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FROM THE EDITOR VOLUME 15, ISSUE 51 • DECEMBER 20, 2018

BREWER MEDIA GROUP Publisher James Brewer, Sr. FOUNDED 2003 BY ZACHARY COOPER & MICHAEL KULL

EDITORIAL Managing Editor Gary Poole gary@chattanoogapulse.com Assistant Editor Brooke Brown City Editor Alex Curry Music Editor Marc T. Michael Film Editor John DeVore Contributors Rob Brezsny • Steven W. Disbrow Jessie Gantt-Temple • Matt Jones Tony Mraz • Ernie Paik Rick Pimental-Habib Alex Teach • Michael Thomas Cartoonists Jen Sorenson • Tom Tomorrow Holiday Gift Guide Kelly Lockhart

ADVERTISING Director of Sales Mike Baskin mike@brewermediagroup.com Account Executives Rick Leavell • Cindee McBride Libby Phillips • John Rodriguez Danielle Swindell

CONTACT Offices 1305 Carter St. Chattanooga, TN 37402 Phone 423.265.9494 Fax 423.266.2335 Email info@chattanoogapulse.com Website chattanoogapulse.com Facebook @chattanoogapulse THE FINE PRINT: The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer Media and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on music, the arts, entertainment, culture and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publisher may take more than one copy per weekly issue.

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Contents Copyright © 2018 by Brewer Media. All rights reserved.

8 4 20

A Christmas Journey Jar As a new year approaches, New Year’s Resolu-tions approach even faster. Drinking more water and reading more are repeat list makers, but one that always gets crossed off yet I keep putting back on is “Be More Of A Tourist”.

RINGING IN THE NEW YEAR

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MUSIC YEAR IN REVIEW

26

Time for champagne toasts and reflections back on another year. Here’s a roundup of just some of the possible ways you could get the most out of the biggest party of the year!

For the final article of 2018 it seemed appropriate, if somewhat cliché, to take a look back at the past twelve months in the Chattanooga music scene.

SCULPTED TREASURES

The holidays are a perfect time to see, and hear, a new series of sculptures that are housed among the treasures that can be found in the Bluff View Art District.

INTO THE SPIDER-VERSE

It’s not a stretch to say that most superhero movies are animated. Sure, they have live actors in them and the art is largely photorealistic renderings of comic book art.

4 CONSIDER THIS

22 MUSIC CALENDAR

28 FREE WILL ASTROLOGY

7 JUST A THEORY

24 MUSIC REVIEWS

29 JONESIN' CROSSWORD

14 ARTS CALENDAR

25 DINING OUT

29 THE COMIX

16 HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE

27 NEW IN THEATERS

30 ON THE BEAT

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CITY LIFE · BETWEEN THE BRIDGES

Ringing In The New Year Chattanooga knows how to party...and is pulling out all the stops!

Here Come The Mummies

By Alex Curry Pulse City Editor

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Wanna not have any fun? You could always stay home and sit on your couch while everyone else is out having the time of their lives.”

J

UST LIKE THAT, NEW YEARS EVE IS UPON US. TIME FOR champagne toasts and reflections back on another year. Here’s a roundup of just some of the possible ways you could get the most out of the biggest party of the year!

One of Tennessee’s most loveable and unique bands, Here Come The Mummies will play a set starting at 10:30 p.m. at The Signal. Come ring it in with this ensemble of boisterously elite musicians in one of the best venues around.

The Edwin, Chattanooga’s new pristine art gallery of a hotel, is throwing a dinner party that will have mouths watering and bubbles flowing. Countdown the final minutes of 2018 at the Whiskey Thief with champagne and cocktails, preceded by a five-course dinner at Whitebird. Live music, valet parking

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and more will be included with the price of admission. Purchase tickets ahead of time and be ready to live your best life.

Maybe fireworks and a laser show are more up your alley? West Village will continue their annual tradition of throwing the best block party in Chattanooga.

Family friendly and free to the public, this is a great event for kids and adults alike with food trucks, a live DJ, and a cocktail and craft beer bar for mom and dad.

Looking to impress, or for a chance to wear that dress or suit that’s been sitting in your closet? St. John’s is hosting a

delicious 4-course prix-fixe menu with a’ la carte options. Balloons will drop during the midnight champagne toast.

Wanderlinger brewery will put on “The Psychedelic Ball;” a Labyrinth inspired costume party. Art installations and a custom designed visual environment (think blacklights galore) will back Chattanooga bands The Fridge and Danimal Planet. Admission is $20.00 presale and $25.00 at the door if there happen to be any spots left.

The Chattanooga Zoo will celebrate the New Year all around the world as they celebrate various countdowns in each of their internationally themed animal habitats. Why celebrate once when you can live the excitement again and again?

The Hunter Museum of American Art will host their annual Party on the Bluff.

This stylized greeting to the new year will feature heavy hors d’oeuvres, an open bar, a live DJ, and amazing views of our beautiful city. Make sure to line up your tickets ahead of time.

Looking for some nostalgia? What better way to look forward than by turning back to the past? The Dwell Hotel will host a 1980’s themed GLAM wonderland party. Pastels and acid washed jeans will compliment Madonna and Prince tunes from wonderful days long past. Enjoy party food and sparkling wine as an epic countdown kicks off 1990…I mean 2019.

Wanna not have any fun? You could always stay home and sit on your couch while everyone else is out having the time of their lives. The choice is yours!

Happy New Year. We’ll see you bright and early in 2019.

Kid Funtime For Adults Gingerbread “drink and discover” at the CDM

Cons ider This w ith Dr. Rick

“Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases from being shared.” — Buddha

The Creative Discovery Museum is full of wonder all year round for children. There they learn to problem solve, explore, and discover a whole new world of imagination and learning from dinosaur bone digging to pushing tiny sailboats through waterways.

But a few nights out of the year, after the kids have all gone and CDM seems like it’s closing up shop for the evening, the party arrives.

Drink and Discover is one of CDM’s adult only events designed for those of us 21 and up to sip

great cocktails, wine or beer while exploring the museum without tiny toddlers shouting and crying and zig zagging around our ankles.

This holiday season, Drink and Discover: Gingerbread will be even sweeter than previous events as party-goers will get to compete in a gingerbread house building competition while playing fun, festive games.

So gather your architect friends and kids at heart for an unforgettable evening!

Starting this Thursday at 7 p.m. at the Creative Discovery Museum,

guests will have an hour to explore the museum on their own, drinks in hand and Christmas music ringing, followed by an evening of festive games, the gingerbread competition, and more.

Tickets are $35 and include admission, the gingerbread activity, a biscuit bar provided by Maple Street Biscuit Company, and a complimentary drink ticket. $5 beer and wine tickets will be sold at the door as well.

Don’t miss this holiday shindig inside one of Chattanooga’s coolest museums. — Brooke Brown

In this season of commercialism, in the rush to shop, wrap, cook, organize, attend, host and panic that the pie’s not ready, I hope you carve out some precious, easy, quality time to spend with your loved ones, and with yourself…not so much doing, just being.

This is a big “do” time. And if you have kids, double it. And if you also have aging parents, triple it. But as the Zen saying suggests, if you don’t have time to meditate for 10 minutes a day, then you need to meditate for an hour a day.

Remember driving around looking at holiday lights? Sharing a cup of cocoa and silly conversation with your bestie? Remember home-made gifts?

May your holiday season be filled with all the unexpected and delightfully remembered joys of simple peace and unabashed happiness. — Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D.

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COLUMN · JUST A THEORY

Mars, Interstellar Space & More!

It's been a busy, busy month for all things space and science

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H MY. IT’S BEEN A BIG month in space exploration, with lots of exciting developments on a lot of different fronts. So, let’s get right to it.

Mars InSight Lander Touches Down

Steven W. Disbrow Pulse columnist

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At this point, landing on Mars might seem like a routine thing, but it isn’t. InSight is just the 16th of 22 American missions to successfully make it to Mars.”

Steven W. Disbrow is the proprietor of “Improv Chattanooga” on the South Side of town. He also creates e-commerce systems and reads comic books when he’s not on stage acting like a fool.

After a six-month journey from the Earth to Mars, NASA’s InSight lander touched down on Mars on November 26th. At this point, landing on Mars might seem like a routine thing, but it isn’t. InSight is just the 16th of 22 American missions to successfully make it to Mars.

(I’m not even going to talk about the number of failed Russian missions. They have a much worse track record than we do.)

Still, land it did, and it seems to have landed in an absolutely perfect spot: A nice, mostly level valley where it can do its thing. That thing? Well, the InSight lander is basically a robot geologist. Its main objective will be to study the interior of Mars. While it has several different instruments to do this, the big two are a seismometer, and the “Heat Flow and Physical Properties Package” (HP3) instrument.

The seismometer, of course, will listen for marsquakes. These will give us a better understanding of exactly what the innards of Mars are actually made of.

The HP3 instrument, nicknamed, “The Mole,” is a thin rod that will be hammered into the surface of Mars. HP3 is long enough to go up to 5 meters (about 5.5 yards), into the ground.

As the full name suggests, HP3’s purpose is to measure how well (or not), heat actually flows through the ground on Mars. These two instruments, along with several others, should give us clues as to how similar internally Mars is to Earth, and maybe even help us work out what happened to its magnetic field and

atmosphere.

Outta Sight!

Remember a couple years back when the Voyager 1 probe made it to interstellar space?

Lots of people (including the folks at NASA) were wondering when Voyager 2 might finally make it past the influence of the Sun. (Both probes were headed in different directions, and we still don’t know the exact shape of the heliosphere, so all we could really do was wait.)

Well, it’s finally happened!

On November 5th, Voyager 2 officially left the Sun’s influence to become just the second object humans have managed to throw out into interstellar space.

Pet peeve tangent time. Lots of writers get it wrong when dealing with distances on this scale. The space between planets is “interplanetary” space. The InSight probe, for example, is an interplanetary probe. The space between stellar objects, i.e. “stars,” is “interstellar” space.

The Voyagers started as interplanetary probes, but now that they have moved into the void outside the influence of any stars, they are interstellar objects. The space between Galaxies is “intergalactic” space.

At this point, there are no intergalactic probes, and there probably won’t be in our lifetimes (possibly not even during the lifetime of our species!). In fact, the distance from here to intergalactic space is so vast, that even science fiction doesn’t deal with it very often. It’s just insanely far away.

If, other than pride, you wonder what

the big deal is….eell, unlike Voyager 1, Voyager 2 has a fully functional plasma detector. So, it’s sending back data about the interstellar void that Voyager 1 simply can’t provide.

This is data that no living thing (as far as we know), has ever seen before and it could tell us a great deal about the universe we live in. Not bad for a probe whose primary mission ended almost 30 years ago!

And More To Come!

The Chinese have just put a lander in orbit around the moon. It will stay there for a couple more weeks before a January 3rd landing attempt on the far side of the moon. Assuming the landing is a success, the lander/rover will send data back to Earth using a satellite that was launched earlier this year and is now in orbit at the L2 (Lagrange 2) point.

From this point, the satellite, named “Queqiao,” has a view of both the Earth and the far side of the moon and can relay data between ground controllers and the lander. To my knowledge, this is the first attempted landing of a rover on the far side of the moon, so I can’t wait to see what they discover!

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COVER STORY

A Christmas Journey Jar Give yourself a gift that keeps on giving all year long

By Jessie Gantt-Temple

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Pulse contributor

Once I got beyond the front porch of my own cookie-cutter suburbia upbringing, I was enthralled with learning how not every fourth house was the same design.”

A

S A NEW YEAR APPROACHES, NEW YEAR’S RESOLUtions approach even faster. Drinking more water and reading more are repeat list makers, but one that always gets crossed off yet I keep putting back on is “Be More Of A Tourist”.

No matter how long I’ve lived in a place, I take pride in wearing a camera around my neck, asking folks what their favorite place is and stopping to take in the sights.

If Baltimore and West Virginia had a baby, it would be Chattanooga. Full of culture and nightlife as well as history and mountains, this area has big city characteristics with small town charm. If you are or know someone who is feeling that the city has be-

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come stale, even with the thousands of new breweries and abundance of local art, then the Journey Jar may be a much needed interactive travel guide.

All Who Wander Are Not Lost Once I got beyond the front porch of my own cookie-cutter suburbia upbringing, I was enthralled with learning how not every fourth house was the same design. I was flabbergasted

to discover that not all towns had their neighborhoods broken into sections like my hometown. For instance, I grew up in the “M” section and the streets were named like Maureen Lane and Millstream Drive. Across the way was the “S” section with Superior Lane and Stonybrook Drive. There was nothing alphabetical, or logical, how things operated however it all made sense when i was a kid.

Growing up in Maryland just between Baltimore and D.C. for 21 years, I was constantly mistaken for an out-of-towner. I would prepare for adventure by packing the car,

making itineraries to then only venture to places just thirty minutes from my house, like the Inner Harbor and Dupont Circle. When I would stop to ask someone to take my picture, they would usually inquire on where I was visiting from and were taken aback when I responded with, “Here.”

After navigating through the nation’s capital and nearby neighborhoods, fumbling my ways through puberty and beltways, I found myself drawn to the mountains of wild and wonderful West Virginia for college.

I needed more trees than people. I graduated with a journalism degree and was fortunate enough to snag a job writing for a travel magazine where I was encouraged and paid to partake in all the Appalachian awesomeness—class six white water rafting, four wheeling on the HatfieldMcCoy trails and enjoying more trees than people.

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We would each put three restaurant names in a hat and whichever we drew is where we would go. It’s fair, fun and a quick way to come to a decision.”

However, after several years of documenting my treks, my mom found herself with an empty nest located just miles from the beach and I soon found myself on the cushy coastline.

Although I do not have a passport stamped full, I do feel well versed in that I have toured a variety of topography but I was more than ecstatic to find myself back in the mountains.

The Journey Jar When an ex and I couldn’t decide where to eat, we would each put three restaurant names in a hat and which-

ever we drew is where we would go.

It’s fair, fun and a quick way to come to a decision. I don’t know where I came up with the idea to expand it to include excursions but when we moved to Chattanooga in 2014, I made a Journey Jar to assist us in not missing out on all the Scenic City had to show.

With there being 52 weekends in a year, the jar would contain 52 ideas but really who has off weekends anymore so it just represents 52 days off and it divides evenly.

Split that in half and each person

gets to write 26 things they would like to do. If your significant other doesn’t want to play along, that’s fine as it is just more hair-brained schemes for you to ponder. As my husband calls me his cruise director, he was intrigued but only generated out about ten as he knew I would choose some audacious activities.

He came up with ones like “Motorcycle ride to Oak Ridge”, “Reflection Riding” and “An Afternoon in the Library.” Some examples I came up with were “Anything Tennessee: Moonpies, Choo Choo and whiskey”, and “A Day In Dayton.” Don’t feel like you are locked in to do whatever you pull out of that jar because when we got “Raft the Ocoee” in December, I reassure you I put that sucker back in for a warmer day.

That said, don’t make a habit of being picky or choosy and throwing them back just because you don’t

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COVER STORY

feel like it. We took a chilly motorcycle ride up to Cloudland Canyon because it was probably the last day you could tolerate the cold on a bike, and the jar dictated it. It was beautiful watching hang gliders fly amongst the foliage. Even with blue lips and frozen phalanges.

Bloom Where You Are Planted This reflection piece comes appropriately at the end of the year as you are looking back while simultaneously preparing for next year. However, many of us look back shaking our heads at how the time flew and we didn’t get done nearly as much as we wanted. Oh well. Suck it up. Shake it off, along with all this freaking rain, as rain checks are acceptable especially to yourself. Craft your Journey Jar over the winter and cash it in next year. Find yourself and what you love to do then, challenge the parameters in which you do both.

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blinding optimism but I do constantly try to see the positive in any situation, especially in where you live. I have “Bloom where you’re planted” tattooed on my writer’s wrist to remind me that you do have to make the best of it and, sometimes, that requires searching out the best. The best donut. The best roadside waterfall. The best day. Although time, more so than money, does not allow me to be as daring as I’d like, I am constantly seeking moments to sightsee even if it’s just taking the long way home.

Having lived in Chattanooga almost four years, the first legendary place I visited was McKay’s and it was a game changer in my world of discovery. Full of resources, even in the free bin, I found gems like Off The Beaten Path Tennessee: A Guide To Unique Places and Chattanooga Walking Tour & Historic Guide. These books were older editions and not as up-to-date but hello, they were free and still very useful. I read up on the

“

Note that since we started our farm two years ago, there has been little to no leisure time, so our jar has laid latent until this inspiring article.”

stories of Oakridge and discovered the Crystal Caves of Raccoon Mountain.

I understand if you have lived here for twenty years and you have been there, done that. But have you been to the Honest Pint for Drag Queen Bingo or Chattanooga Workspace’s First Friday? Have you ridden every hand-carved character on the Coolidge Park Carousel? There’s 52 of them, just saying.

Don’t be the pessimist with a Journey Jar half full and proclaiming how there is nothing to do in this town that you haven’t done before. Host a new tradition New Year’s party and get your friends to contribute to your Journey Jar so you can see the sights through their eyes. Who knows, they may sneak in “Come To Our House to play dominoes & eat Lupi’s.”

Another globe-trotting trick is to ask your server where they would go to eat. Servers are highly critical of excellent service, ambiance and food. As a server for almost twenty years, one classic Chattanooga staple I would recommend is Champy’s.

The servers are upbeat, the decor is priceless, the forties of course and, don’t shoot me, but I like their fish better than their chicken. A friend almost whispered it to me when we went once like it was the best kept secret. Unsure of swimming against the current, I ordered the two-piece dark meat plate then sampled her fish. I was hook, line and sinker ever since.

I still haven’t had their tamales so there’s another trip planned.

Note that since we started our farm two years ago, there has been little to no leisure time, so our jar has laid latent until this inspiring article. Here are some of the things that are awaiting departure from my dusty jar: • Aquarium: walk, bike or bus to some adventure downtown • Main Street Meandering: Hart Gallery, Blue Orleans, etc.

• A Picnic at Harrison Bay State Park • The Incline • Alpine Slide Thank you for revitalizing my rambling in the verbal and voyage sense.

As I have yet to find my way to Fall Creek Falls or eaten at Bea’s, both are going to be on my 2019 to-do list. I’ll be sure to drink lots of water and take a good book.

“I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. To put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived.”

— Thoreau Dreaming of wanting to be a writer since she could remember, Jessie Gantt-Temple moved here three years ago from the Carolinas with her husband, and has found roots on her farm in Soddy Daisy.

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ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

Sculpted Treasures Sitting down with noted sculptor Ken Jensen

WEAVEing Into The Holidays The holidays are fun, festive and full of family. A lot of family. And if yours lives out of town and wants to visit the beautiful Scenic City for your turn to host, you might find yourself feeling overwhelmed with all the merriment.

If you find yourself needing a breath of fresh air away from in-laws, an alcoholic uncle, or any of the like, something to get you out of the house could be just what Santa ordered. Thank WEAVE as they’ll be hosting their Fifth Christmas Spectacular this Thursday or Friday at 7 p.m.

Slip away from the chaos of nieces and nephews terrorizing your cat and into a conceptual dance event put on by one of Chattanooga’s most innovative dance companies.

Featuring classic Christmas renderings as well as a handful of selections everyone’s favorite (or least favorite if you don’t like Will Ferrell in yellow tights) Christmas movie Elf, this conceptual dance production will have you feeling merry and bright.

The event will be held at the UTC Fine Arts Center and tickets are available through a link on WEAVE’s Facebook page. Support an outstanding dance collective this holiday season with your presence and attention for what will surely be a festive feat of frivolity.

— Brooke Brown

By Tony Mraz Pulse contributor

“

Jensen has been making pottery for a living for 45 years, and has over 1,000 art shows and countless awards under his belt.”

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T

HE HOLIDAYS ARE A PERFECT TIME TO SEE, AND hear, a new series of sculptures that are housed among the treasures in the Bluff View Art District.

St. Augustine-based ceramicist Ken Jensen makes clay horns, ocarinas, drums, and guitars that are functional as well as decorative and River Gallery is one of the few places to find them.

Jensen has been making pottery for a living for 45 years, and has over 1,000 art shows and countless awards under his belt.

His pottery background, and career making pots for a living, began in his college days - his first taste of ceramics was from an elective class.

“I had a lot of fun at it,” he says.

“I met a man who had a production pottery setup, and I worked for him for a while. I learned how to make pots, and how to sell my work.”

After several years, he returned to art school and learned the other side of the craft.

“I learned practical production pottery before I became an art student—I’ve done many different styles,” he explains. “At first it was functional stoneware, which I always tend to fall back on—if people want mugs, I’ll make mugs. There’s a connection you have with somebody

when they’re using your mug in the morning.”

He continues, “I have gone in various directions over the years, developing bodies of work with different themes and styles—I would try to fill my booth up with one style. I had many ideas, and would sometimes shift dramatically, and bring up a whole new body of work—that’s what I enjoy.”

For the last four years, Jensen’s work has all been about music. An avid trumpeter and guitarist (he plays regularly with The Ken Jensen Blues Band), he is looking for ways to make music with pottery.

The project started with a series of horns, which lent themselves to sculpture—they have a variety of shapes, concepts, and titles. The tones made by the horns are somewhat random, and kind of limited as far as their potential for musical performance. This is not the case for his line of guitars, which are tune-able, having proper intonation and comfortable action— they are designed to be played.

Getting a ceramic horn to make a specific note is challenging, because of shrinkage and changes in density caused by the firing process. Short horns create a single note, whereas longer horns create harmonics like a bugle.

“

For the last four years, Jensen’s work has all been about music. An avid trumpeter and guitarist, he is looking for ways to make music with pottery.”

“It is more about what they look like,” he tells us. “But they still have to sound good.”

He uses stoneware to sculpt the horns, which have to be high-fired so they will be strong and resonant. To color them, he makes regular use of a calcium glaze called fake ash—mixtures rich in whiting calcium carbonate that cause the glaze to break and run when fired in his gas kiln.

Jensen does Raku firings with porcelain to make his Ocarinas, along with a line of beautiful decorative pottery.

The stunning designs that adorn these pieces are airbrushed underglazes applied with stencils and latex resist—a combination of processes which allows him to work on the pots like a painter. The underglazes are made of stains and slip, and covered with a layer of clear glaze which crackles when it is cooled quickly.

The largest possible airbrush tips must be used because the glaze is a crude material—fine tips clog immediately.

“It is fairly tedious,” he explains. “I never really liked the airbrush, but I like what it does—but not like I love the potter’s wheel.”

Speaking about his studio practice, he says, “It is a rare day, and a good day, when I have a completely new idea to develop. Usually I’m making the next of a long line. I’m not always making the next best pot ever—there is a little bit of inspiration and a lot of hard work. It is good to have new ideas, and experiment, and not worry about it failing, and have the time to devote to that - but often times a deadline is coming, and I have to make something I know is going to work.”

In the near future, Jensen intends to make more musical instruments. 2019 is shaping up to be a big year for him, with a multitude of concerts and art shows. For these, he is working on a series of djembes, talking drums, guitars—and some really big horns.

See his work at River Gallery in the Bluff View Arts District, or online at kenjensonpottery.com

THU12.20

FRI12.21

SAT12.22

Rodgers & Hammerstein’s The King And I

Chattanooga Zoo Holiday Lights

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

The holiday spirit comes alive as the Zoo tranforms into a sparkling winter wonderland.

5:30 p.m.

Chattanooga Zoo 301 N. Holtzclaw Ave. chattzoo.org

The Christmas comedy classic some to the REALLY big screen, and it's free for everyone!

7 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. tivolichattanooga.com

Come see the classic musical on the big stage at the Tivoli.

7:30 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. tivolichattanooga.com

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 20, 2018 • THE PULSE • 13

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT CALENDAR

THURSDAY12.20 Erlanger Children's Hospital Benefit 5 p.m.

Barnes & Noble 2100 Hamilton Place Blvd.

(423) 893-0186 barnesandnoble.com Ice on the Landing 6 p.m.

Chattanooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. iceonthelanding.com WEAVE's 5th Christmas Spectacular 7 p.m.

UTC Fine Arts Center 752 Vine St. (423) 265-9882 weavedancecompany.com Drink & Discover: Gingerbread 7 p.m.

Creative Discovery Museum 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738 cdmfun.org A Civil War Christmas: An American Musical Celebration 7 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.come Rodgers & Hammerstein’s The King And I 7:30 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5580

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tivolichattanooga.com Home for the Holidays with D.J Lewis & Friends 8 p.m.

The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com Dancing with the Stars 8 p.m.

Memorial Auditorium 399 McCallie Ave. (423) 757-5580 tivolichattanooga.com Alcoholics Not Anonymous Comedy Open Mic 8 p.m.

Barley Taproom 235 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 682-8200 chattanoogabarley.com

Country Line Dancing Class 8 p.m.

Westbound Bar 24 Station St. (423) 498-3069 westboundbar.com

FRIDAY12.21 Out On 8th 5 p.m.

West Village 802 Pine St. (423) 424-1831 westvillagechattanooga.com Chattanooga Zoo Holiday Lights 5:30 p.m.

Chattanooga Zoo 301 N. Holtzclaw Ave.

ENTERTAINMENT SPOTLIGHT Depending on who is in town it’s a reunion of comedians coming “Home for the Holidays, a showcase of talent.

You never know what to expect when these guys get together but it sure will be a fun time.

Home for the Holidays with D.J Lewis & Friends The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. thecomedycatch.com

(423) 697-1322 chattzoo.org Ice on the Landing 6 p.m.

Chattanooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. iceonthelanding.com WEAVE's 5th Christmas Spectacular 7 p.m.

UTC Fine Arts Center 752 Vine St. (423) 265-9882 weavedancecompany.com “An Irish Courage Christmas” 7:30 p.m.

Back Alley @ The Mars Theater 117 N. Chattanooga St. LaFayette, GA (706) 996-8350 bapshows.com Solstice Meditation Concert 7:30 p.m.

St Peter’s Episcopal Church 848 Ashland Ter. (423) 877-2428 stpeters.org Improv “Movie” Night 8 p.m.

First Draft Theater 1800 Rossville Ave. (423) 843-1775 improvchattanooga.com Home for the Holidays with D.J Lewis & Friends 8 p.m.

The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com A Civil War Christmas: An American Musical Celebration

A Civil War Christmas: An American Musical Celebration 8 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com Ruby Falls Lantern Tours 8:30 p.m.

Ruby Falls 1720 S. Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544 rubyfalls.com Good, Old-Fashioned Improv Show 10 p.m.

First Draft Theater 1800 Rossville Ave. (423) 843-1775 improvchattanooga.com

SATURDAY12.22 A Civil War Christmas: An American Musical Celebration 2:30, 8 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com Chattanooga Zoo Holiday Lights 5:30 p.m.

Chattanooga Zoo 301 N. Holtzclaw Ave. (423) 697-1322 chattzoo.org Ice on the Landing 6 p.m.

Chattanooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. iceonthelanding.com Winter in West Village

6 p.m.

West Village 802 Pine St. westvillagechattanooga.com National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation 7 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5580 tivolichattanooga.com Your Stories 8 p.m.

First Draft Theater 1800 Rossville Ave. (423) 843-1775 improvchattanooga.com Home for the Holidays with D.J Lewis & Friends 8 p.m.

The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com “An Irish Courage Christmas” 7:30 p.m.

Back Alley @ The Mars Theater 117 N. Chattanooga St. LaFayette, GA (706) 996-8350 bapshows.com Whose Line Chattanooga 10 p.m.

First Draft Theater 1800 Rossville Ave. (423) 843-1775 improvchattanooga.com

SUNDAY12.23 Free Fiddle School

2 p.m.

Fiddlers Anonymous 2248 Dayton Blvd.

(423) 994-7497 A Civil War Christmas: An American Musical Celebration 2:30 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com Ice on the Landing 6 p.m.

Chattanooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. iceonthelanding.com Home for the Holidays 8 p.m.

The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

MONDAY12.24 Winter Belly Dance Session 5:45 p.m.

Movement Arts Collective 3813 Dayton Blvd.

(423) 401-8115 movementartscollective.com Ice on the Landing 6 p.m.

Chattanooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. iceonthelanding.com Joggers & Lagers 6 p.m.

Chattanooga Brewing Co. 1804 Chestnut St. chattabrew.com

TUESDAY12.25 MERRY CHRISTMAS!

WEDNESDAY12.26 Beginner Macrame: Plant Hanger 9 a.m.

Chattanooga Workspace 302 W. 6th St. (423) 822-5750 chattanoogaworkspace.com Middle Eastern Dance 10:30 a.m.

Jewish Cultural Center 5461 North Terrace (423) 493-0270 jewishchattanooga.com Main Street Market 4 p.m.

522 W. Main St. mainstfarmersmarket.com Ice on the Landing 6 p.m.

Chattanooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. iceonthelanding.com Naughty Knights Chess Meetup 7:30 p.m.

The Bitter Alibi 825 Houston St. thebitteralibi.com Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@chattanoogapulse.com CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 20, 2018 • THE PULSE • 15

Holiday

Shopping Guide

Featured on Oprah’s Favorite Things list, this Good Hurt Fuego Sauce Gift Set will blow your cheeks off! The seven-piece collection is the perfect way to sample some of the best hot sauces around, including whiskey habanero, garlic herb, and even ghost pepper. Pair each sauce with a different food and experiment with incredible flavor combinations! $32.50 · houghtfully.com

Harry Potter has cast a record-breaking spell on fans for nearly two decades. Running Press presents the first officially licensed Harry Potter Collectible Quidditch Set, which includes: 1 Quaffle, 2 Bludgers, 1 nonremovable Snitch, and 1 16x24” collectible poster all showcased in a decorative Quidditch trunk (plus a lock and key for the trunk to keep inquisitive Muggles from opening it). $21.50 · deepdiscount.com

We all know the story of The Grinch (the TV classic, not the live-action disaster).

The little Funko Pop Grinch doll is a great addition to your holiday decorations or just to put on a shelf to display all year long. Just be sure not to touch him with a 39 and a half foot pole. $9.99 · toywiz.com

16 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 20, 2018 • HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

Are you tired of twisting yourself into knots trying to keep your back clean shaven?

Designed to shave hard-to-reach areas, the Bakblade 2.0 DIY Back and Body Shaver offers the smoothest shave without lasers or painful waxing. Featuring a curved ergonimic handle and DRYglide blades, allowing a smooth shave, wet or dry. The muscles, however, you’ll have to develop on your own. $24.99 · bedbathandbeyond.com

The next-generation Ninja Coffee Bar is a single serve and glass carafe coffee system—complete with a variety of brew types and sizes you can’t get anywhere else. There’s even a built-in frother with hot and cold frothing capabilities. Plus a host of delicious coffee recipes you can create and enjoy, all from the comfort of home. $169.99 · ninjakitchen.com

For anyone who’s trying to create a little less waste and keep their teeth nice anc clean, this four-pack of Biodegradable EcoFriendly Natural Bamboo Charcoal Toothbrushes are just the thing. Bamboo is naturally anti-bacterial, anti-fungal & antimicrobial to help prevent the growth of mold. $11.99 · alibaba.com

Calm your mind while creating beautiful images with the Original Buddha Board. Use the included brush to paint designs onto the board with water. As the water evaporates your image will fade, but will reveal a new perspective on your creative endeavors, encouraging the Zen idea of living in the moment. $34.95 · barnesandnoble.com

THE PULSE • HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE • DECEMBER 20, 2018 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • 17

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18 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 20, 2018 • HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

These Baby Pet Magic Mask Sheets are perfect for a spa day and trip to the zoo all rolled into one. Your choice of AntiWrinkle Pug, Whitening Seal, Soothing Cat, or Vitality Panda. Or get all four! $11.79 · megastore365.com Tired of fighting your vacuum clener every time you need to do chores? The Shark APEX DuoClean is the answer to your floor cleaning wishes. The dual brushroll system deep cleans carpets and delivers a polished look on hard floors, while the detachable canister helps you clean under couches, tables, beds, and more. $299.40 · sharkclean.com

The Sound+Sleep High Fidelity Sleep Sound Machine is the world’s most advanced sound machine to help you sleep better.

It’s scientifically engineered to promote relaxation, renewal, and deeper sleep. And it comes with dual USB charging points so your phone or tablet is as refreshed and ready to go as you are. $129.95 · soundofsleep.com

Light up a loved one’s life—across town or across the country—with two or more of these in-sync Long Distance Friendship Lamps. When you turn one on with a simple touch of your hand, its mate emits the same ambient glow, no matter where it is and who is on the other end: parent or grandparent, niece or nephew, or long-distance significant other. $85 · uncommongoods.com

The Rabbit Super-Aerating Decanter System is a sleek, contemporary take on traditional wine decanters.

The wide, shallow basin creates a large horizontal surface for aeration, opening up red wines to their full complexity and flavor. The perforated micro-strainer catches any sediment as you decant and serve. $59.95 · williamssonoma.com

Get in the holiday spirit and keep your head warm with a Holiday Pudding Beanie that's cute enough to wear long after the last festive dessert has been eaten.

100% cotton knit, soft-touch style, with a faux fur bobble top, it'll keep your head toasty and stylish at the same time all winter long. $21 · asos.com THE PULSE • HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE • DECEMBER 20, 2018 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • 19

THE MUSIC SCENE

The Music Year In Review The local music scene is ever-changing

Winter Solstice Meditation The holiday season is supposed to be a time of relaxation, time spent with family, around a roaring fireplace, sprinkles of snow outside.

But here in the good ole U S of A, the holiday season is a mad dash to the mall (or Amazon.com) buying gifts for anyone and everybody, elbowing your way to the final doll left on the shelf or trying to snag a table at the food court for a refuel before round two.

It shouldn’t be this way, so take time with St. Peter’s Episcopal Church this Friday for a meditation concert to soothe your weary soul.

Starting at 7:30 p.m., a free concert known as Solstice Meditation will be held at St Peter’s Episcopal Church on Ashland Terrace featuring violinists Bryony StroudWatson and Angela Baucom.

Take a journey with Chattanooga Holistic Medicine’s Blakey Storey as he gives you a guide to meditation and a cup of warm, healing tea before allowing you to melt into the concert.

It’s a can’t miss event in the middle of all the hustle and bustle. Take time for yourself this Friday evening. — Brooke Brown

Chattanooga Girls Rock

By Marc T. Michael Pulse Music Editor

“

Compared to similar sized cities, Chattanooga not only holds its own, it has leaped ahead of the pack and shows no sign of slowing down.”

20 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 20, 2018 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

F

OR THE FINAL ARTICLE OF 2018 IT SEEMED APPROpriate, if somewhat cliché, to take a look back at the past twelve months in the Chattanooga music scene.

The year started off with a benefit concert for a local personality. It would not be the last. The here takeaway isn’t that Chattanooga artists and musicians are perpetually in peril (they aren’t, but hard rain falls, sometimes.)

The real takeaway is that for all the good, the bad, and the ugly of our scene, the local arts community will not hesitate, differences be damned, to rally around a brother or sister in need.

Hip-hop, a vibrant and thriving aspect of the Scenic City for much longer than many people realize, finally started to garner the attention it has long de-

served.

A number of important, rising stars making phenomenal albums, broader local media coverage, the work of Hip-Hop Cha, increased support from some larger venues, and a series of positive community outreach, education and showcase opportunities have exponentially raised the visibility, awareness and respect for the genre.

The Old Time Fiddlers Convention, a lost Chattanooga treasure, has returned for good thanks largely to the efforts of Matt Downer, another feather in the musical cap of a city that might have once forgotten how

much it had to offer. Likewise, the Honest Pint’s annual “Paddy’s on the Parkway” celebration continues to expand, bringing more of Chattanooga’s favorite acts together in one place than any other event of the year with the possible exception of MainX24.

Chattanooga Girls Rock, the weeklong all-inclusive music boot camp for young girls has made its mark, shifting from the “is this going to work?” phase to established local institution. I especially look forward to the next few years when the first year alumni start forming a bumper crop of exciting new bands to write about.

The year saw a spate of releases from prolific groups like Monomath, Ashley and the Xs, Genki Genki Panic, Alex “I can play anything” Volz, Robin Grant, Lon Eldridge, Matt Downer, and many more. In fact, a list of local bands and solo artists who produced multiple new releases in the past year would be too long to list here.

Suffice it to say that our local artists (I’m still not cool with the term “creatives”) are

bringing an energy and work ethic to the scene that didn’t exist 25 years ago. Stagnation and boredom are a thing of the past and by all metrics will remain so.

A combination of new venues, reimagined old venues, real investment, and audience support have seen bigger name national acts adding Chattanooga to their itinerary, something utterly unheard of even ten years ago.

My love for and support of the local music scene must at times seem hagiographic, but understand it wasn’t always so. When I arrived here a quarter century ago from a place that already had a wellestablished, thriving scene, the outlook was bleak.

A host of promising venues came and went in the blink of an eye while older, former powerhouses closed up shop leaving only a handful of bars and performance halls who weren’t taking any risks.

That is how it was in the early nineties and more than a few promising artists left for presumably greener pastures. For those of us that remained, the scene has

evolved and continues to do so, gaining momentum year after year and it’s a beautiful thing to have witnessed firsthand.

Younger groups and new comers will still grouse about a perceived lack of opportunity and pay, and not without a small degree of merit, but compared to similar sized cities, Chattanooga not only holds its own, it has leaped ahead of the pack and shows no sign of slowing down as we move in to 2019.

It is the nature of the music business that there is a high rate of attrition, due in no small part to often unrealistic expectations. Call it nature’s way of weeding out the ones who lack the mettle for a life that is more challenging than it appears to the folks who aren’t living it.

Still, from the perspective of a frayed edge musician whose start came playing for beer in the kind of roadside dives with bullet holes in the walls, there has never been a better time to be a musician or artist, or a fan for that matter, in Chattanooga and the future looks brighter than ever.

2018 Ends With A Musical Feast 2018 is going out with a bang as a host of worthy events vie for your dollars and your attention. The town wants to entertain you; let it.

This Friday, Jimmy Dormire presents a free show courtesy of Wanderlinger Brewing Company. Saturday, Genki Genki Panic gets it on with the Ghettoblasters at Barley. That same night, the always vivacious Strung Like a Horse celebrates all things festive at JJ’s Bohemia.

On Christmas Day (yeah, really), it’s the War on Xmas with Pinkie’s feats of pain, burlesque, comedy, Alex Volz, Pinecone and Praymantha.

Dec. 30th is return of the annual Molly Jolly Christmas (après Christmas) show with the Molly Maguires, Wolfhounds, and Tri-Selkie. It’s a free show, but attendees are asked to bring a donation of old clothes, socks and blankets for the community kitchen.

New Year’s Eve is on fire. Wanderlinger Brewing presents Psychedelic Ball, Danimal Planet, the Fridge, E-Roc, and Mize Well. Honest Pint will be offering up “The Best New Years Ever” with Psychic Dungeon, Superbody, Kindora, and Hawkeye Tenderheart. Free champagne at midnight and party favors at the door.

As always, friends, eat, drink and be merry, but play it smart, play it safe. Designated drivers, Uber, Lyft…whatever option you choose, 2019 is almost here, let’s make sure we all get there together.

— MTM

THU12.20

FRI12.21

SAT12.22

New Madrid

Roger Alan Wade

Genki Genki Panic

Colortest presents the Sixth Annual Holidaze gathering, along with T Hardy Morris, just in time for the holidays.

9 p.m.

Songbirds South 41 Station St. songbirdsguitars.com

Chattanooga's own country troubadour presents his neverending songscapes that we all know and love.

9 p.m.

Tremont Tavern 1203 Hixson Pike tremonttavern.com

Come find out why we are such big fans of GGP as they continue to refine their unique blend of surfpunk rock.

8 p.m.

Barley Taphouse 235 E. MLK Blvd. chattanoogabarley.com

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 20, 2018 • THE PULSE • 21

LIVE MUSIC CALENDAR

John Schneider

THURSDAY12.20 Cat Man Smothers 2 p.m.

Virgola Wine Bar 608 Georgia Ave. chattanoogawinebar.com James Crumble Trio 6 p.m.

St. John’s Meeting Place 1278 Market St. stjohnsrestaurant.com Jimmy Dormire 6:30 p.m.

Westin Alchemy Bar 801 Pine St. westinchattanooga.com Matt Downer 6:30 p.m.

WanderLinger Brewing Company 1208 King St. wanderlinger.com A Country Christmas with John Schneider 7 p.m.

Songbirds North 35 Station St. songbirdsguitars.com Toby Hewitt 7 p.m.

Backstage Bar 29 Station St. backstagechattanooga.com Open Mic Night 7 p.m.

Moccasin Bend Brewing Co. 3210 Broad St. bendbrewingbeer.com Jesse James & Tim Neal 7:30 p.m.

Mexi-Wing VII

22 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 20, 2018 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

5773 Brainerd Rd. (423) 296-1073 The Donnies 8 p.m.

Barley Taphouse 235 E. MLK Blvd. chattanoogabarley.com Keepin’ It Local 8 p.m.

The Social 1110 Market St. publichousechattanooga.com Open Mic Night with Jonathon Wimpee 9 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com Shady Recruits 9 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com New Madrid, T Hardy Morris, Psychic Dungeon 9 p.m.

Songbirds South 41 Station St. songbirdsguitars.com

FRIDAY12.21 Binji Varsossa 6 p.m.

Cancun Mexican Restaurant 1809 Broad St. (423) 266-1461 John Carroll 6:30 p.m.

Westin Alchemy Bar 801 Pine St. westinchattanooga.com

Ryan Oyer 6:30 p.m.

Westin Dorato Bar 801 Pine St. westinchattanooga.com Tim Lewis 7 p.m.

El Meson 248 Northgate Park elmesonchattanooga.com Solstice Meditation Concert 7:30 p.m.

St Peter’s Episcopal Church 848 Ashland Ter. stpeters.org Art of the Groove with Tryezz 8 p.m.

Barley Taphouse 235 E. MLK Blvd. chattanoogabarley.com Jimmy Dormie 8 p.m.

WanderLinger Brewing Company 1208 King St. wanderlinger.com Priscilla Block 8:30 p.m.

Puckett’s Restaurant 2 W. Aquarium Way puckettsgro.com Heatherly 9 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com Misnomer 9 p.m.

HiFi Clyde’s 122 W. Main St. hificlydeschattanooga.com Ashley and the Xs, Kerchief, The Burning Giraffes

9 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com Fly By Radio 9 p.m.

Songbirds South 41 Station St. songbirdsguitars.com Roger Alan Wade 9 p.m.

Tremont Tavern 1203 Hixson Pike tremonttavern.com Outlaw 45 10 p.m.

Bud’s Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. budssportsbar.com

SATURDAY12.22 Bluegrass Brunch Noon The Honest Pint 35 Patten Pkwy. thehonestpint.com Binji Varsossa 6 p.m.

Cancun Mexican Restaurant 1809 Broad St. (423) 266-1461 Gino Fanelli 6:30 p.m.

Westin Alchemy Bar 801 Pine St. westinchattanooga.com Megan Howard 6:30 p.m.

Westin Dorato Bar 801 Pine St. westinchattanooga.com

Strung Like A Horse Forever Bluegrass 7 p.m.

Westbound Bar 24 Station St. westboundbar.com Tim Lewis 7 p.m.

El Meson 248 Northgate Park elmesonchattanooga.com Genki Genki Panic, Ghetto Blasters 8 p.m.

Barley Taphouse 235 E. MLK Blvd. chattanoogabarley.com Charley Woods 8:30 p.m.

Puckett’s Restaurant 2 W. Aquarium Way puckettsgro.com Masseuse with Space Kadet 9 p.m.

Songbirds South 41 Station St. songbirdsguitars.com Over Easy 9 p.m.

HiFi Clyde’s 122 W. Main St. hificlydeschattanooga.com Strung Like a Horse 9 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com Travis & Heather Kilgore 9 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com Noche Buena Rumba Party 9 p.m.

Embargo '62 301 Cherokee Blvd. embargo62.com Outlaw 45 10 p.m.

Bud’s Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. budssportsbar.com

SUNDAY12.23 Emily Kate Boyd 11 a.m.

Flying Squirrel Bar 55 Johnson St. flyingsquirrelbar.com Carl Pemberton 11 a.m.

Westin Dorato Bar 801 Pine St. westinchattanooga.com The Mailboxes 1:30 p.m.

Flying Squirrel Bar 55 Johnson St. flyingsquirrelbar.com The Other Brothers 3 p.m.

WanderLinger Brewing Company 1208 King St. wanderlinger.com Bluegrass Jam 4 p.m.

Fiddlers Anonymous 2248 Dayton Blvd.

(423) 994-7497 Open Mic with Jeff Daniels 6 p.m.

Long Haul Saloon 2536 Cummings Hwy. (423) 822-9775

Elizabeth Sax, Denise Dave, Andre Robinson 6 p.m.

Mary's Lounge 2125 McCallie Ave. marys-lounge.de Mathis & Martin 7 p.m.

Backstage Bar 29 Station St. backstagechattanooga.com Strung Like a Horse 9 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com

MONDAY12.24 Open Air with Jessica Nunn 6 p.m.

The Granfalloon 400 E. Main St. granfalloonchattanooga.com Monday Nite Big Band 7 p.m.

The Coconut Room 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Very Open Mic with Shawnessey Cargile 8 p.m.

The Well 1800 Rossville Blvd. #8 wellonthesouthside.com

TUESDAY12.25 War on Xmas, Praymantha, Pinecone 9 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com

WEDNESDAY12.26 No Big Deal 6 p.m.

SpringHill Suites 495 Riverfront Pkwy. springhillsuites.com Pete Boubel 6:30 p.m.

Westin Alchemy Bar 801 Pine St. westinchattanooga.com Jesse James Jungkurth 7 p.m.

Backstage Bar 29 Station St. backstagechattanooga.com Jazz In The Lounge with Terri Hall 7 p.m.

Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave. barkinglegs.org Randall Adams 8 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com Priscilla & Little Rickee 8 p.m.

Las Margaritas 1101 Hixson Pike (423) 756-3332 Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@chattanoogapulse.com CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 20, 2018 • THE PULSE • 23

ERNIE PAIK’S RECORD REVIEWS

Little Ugly Girls Little Ugly Girls (Chapter)

T

he phrase “You had to be there” implies some kind of communication loss, perhaps where a recited story isn’t quite as funny or interesting as one wanted it to be, but it’s entirely possible that the original source of the tale wasn’t that special to begin with.

That comes to mind, because this writer knows how rare it is when some cultural document, removed from its context, can retain its power. The self-titled debut album from Little Ugly Girls is that rare kick in the caboose—sure, it doesn’t sound new (it certainly feels at home in the ‘90s), but it sounds fresh and vital, if that makes any sense.

The Melbourne, Australia

punk quartet formed in the early ‘90s and had an initial decade-long run, and it has taken almost 30 years for its proper debut album (not counting some obscure tapes and a short CD-R) to come out.

Fans Guy Blackman and Ben O’Connor (who run Chapter Music) prodded the band to schedule new studio sessions to finish songs that were started in the ‘90s, and the result is an absolutely blistering recording that hints at what the group’s live shows must have been like.

The spotlight is on vocalist Linda Johnston, whose impassioned and agitated vocals are as equally propulsive as the instruments; her barking word streams resemble vocals in hardcore songs, where the delivery is more important than the melody.

Linda’s brother Dannie Johnston is a restless guitarist, squirming to make odd and oppressive sounds like the high, wailing banshee-guitar notes on “Senseless” or the scampering, itchy guitar licks on “Baggage.” Drummer Brent Punshon and bassist Mindy Mapp comprise the formidable rhythm section that hammers away, often in a non-formulaic

24 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 20, 2018 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

fashion.

Toward the end, “Vinegar” grinds with a grueling repetition that feels like a marathon after the relatively short previous tracks, and the album ends with the anomalous “Boxen-HoodaHayda,” a double-tracked a cappella number with Linda providing sing-songy vocals with a sort of playful mid-century feel, providing a baffling ending to a fierce album that’s like a cross between Mclusky and X-Ray Spex.

Lacing / Lazy Legs Split (Bummer)

L

istening to the new Split EP (available on cassette and as a digital download) featuring the Chattanooga quartet Lacing and the Portland, Ore. duo Lazy Legs, this writer resists

to simply pigeonhole the bands as guitar-pedal-stomping shoegaze revivalists, although debts and acknowledgments to certain predecessors should be duly noted.

What ties this release together is a shared approach between the two bands that only becomes apparent when you start scratching away at the exterior layers; head-splitting, bristling guitar lines and throbbing drums are the hard-candy shells that cover pop-rock structures and a surprising gentleness within, generating an interesting tension throughout the EP. The first of Lacing’s three contributions, “Crush,” is a rousing rush, like a gang storming into a burning house and kicking down the doors, but its melodies bespeak a pop-friendly core; it eventually culminates in a maelstrom that is simultaneously nourishing and punishing.

“Wimp” sounds particularly dirty, getting its hands grimy, with meaty riffs and a big, raw sound that ignores subtlety when it feels like it; an interlude offers its sonic cosmic rays that penetrate a dark cavern.

“Rose” takes an unexpected

turn, with an acoustic guitar strum that suggests a haunted folk song; its calm vocals are in conflict with the unsettling, hovering sounds that lurk, and eventually, a rumbling apocalypse with earthquake guitar noises bursts wide open.

The contrasts within the ingredients of Lazy Legs’ three tracks are even more pronounced than the contrasts between the dynamics—which vary from medium to loud to deafening.

As heard on “Fun Size,” it’s like the duo starts with a sweet, tranquil song but gives it an absolutely brutal delivery, with bone-shaking, abused guitar effects and pummeling riffs that try to obscure the downright angelic vocals that reverberate underneath.

“Limbo” alternates extreme dynamics even more frequently, suggesting a neighborhood stroll riddled with panic attacks. The slightly bent and warped notes of “Slime 90s” give it a woozy feeling, among the crunchy, ear-rattling outbursts, perhaps epitomizing the release as if it can’t decide between being a lovey-dovey “hug everyone” drunk or a loud, belligerent drunk.

FOOD & DRINK · DINING OUT

Barley Bottleshop And Taproom Brooke Brown

Pulse Assistant Editor

“

Barley is the place to work on a paper or work assignment with a cold brew, or meet friends for a night out. And what’s new? A whole heck of a lot.”

The Scoop Barley Bottleshop And Taproom 235 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 682-8200 Monday: 4-10pm Tue & Wed: Noon-10pm Thursday: Noon-11pm Fri & Sat: Noon-Midnight Sunday: 2-8pm chattanoogabarley.com

P

ERFECTLY LOCATED ON THE edge of UTC’s campus, Barley Chattanooga is still the chillest, most laid back taproom.

From the beautiful wood floors and bar, wall of taps, leather chair lounge areas complete with games like chess, Scrabble, and Sorry!, Barley is the place to work on a paper or work assignment with a cold brew, or meet friends for a night out. And what’s new? A whole heck of a lot.

Yes, they still serve incredible local brews, but as of late Barley has gotten their liquor license, bringing with it a multitude of opportunities. From their newfound ability to serve wine, the liquor license has also afforded them the ability to serve high gravity beers over 10.1 percent.

“Now you can find all your favorites,” says operating partner Cameron Hamner. “Just one example: Oskar Blues, popular craft brewery out of Colorado makes an 10.5% stout called ‘Ten Fidy’, but we couldn’t serve it before. We wanted to be able to offer more variety to our customers.”

With the ability to carry a drink for everyone now, Barley is now, more than ever, the place to be. Bring along your wine-enthusiast friends, mead lovers, and even those friends who prefer a nice cocktail because as of the time of this printed article, Barley will have two rotating draft cocktails. Yes, you read that right, draft cocktails. Currently, a crisp, cool Gin and Tonic can be found on tap right alongside the row of beers and wines.

“We don’t want to incur the complication that comes with a full-service bar,” says Hamner. “We still want it to be chill and quick, while utilizing our large number of taps.”

Over time expect their program to

Barley's new draft Gin & Tonic

grow and expand into a creative and classic menu that will cater to all tastes.

For now, the Gin and Tonic is on tap, but look out for other classics like an Old Fashioned, Manhattan, and Moscow Mule. While tried and true classics will always be available, keep your eyes out for new house favorites to emerge once the program begins to flow.

Those of you who loved a good glass of mead, Barley always tries to keep a ‘true mead’ available. We are talking old school, heavy mouth, honey-forward flavors, and they currently have an Apple Spiced Mead on the horizon out of Moonlight Meadery. It sounds like the perfect dessert after dinner, or cap on a sweet day.

To complement their branching libations menu, Barley has recently started serving cheese snack boxes courtesy of Bleu Fox cheese shop also located in beautiful downtown Chattanooga. Premade in perfect portions, the cheese snack boxes feature freshly sliced samples of Bleu Fox’s mouth- watering cheeses, dips for pretzels, and more to curb your appetite.

Along with their incredible drink selections, Tuesday and Thursdays nights at Barley have made them the talk of the town. Tuesday nights is Space Jams, an open mic music night where you and your musically inclined friends can gather round, bring instruments of all kinds to put on a jam session with fellow neighbors and music lovers.

Thursday nights is the ever popular Alcoholics Anonymous open mic comedy night. Hosted by Ethan McFall, comedians and funny faces from around the city can come together for a laid back comedy night usually featuring an established, local comedian as the headliner. This Thursday will be “The Donnies”, Barley’s Alcoholics Anonymous award ceremony.

It’s never the same night twice, so don’t miss out.

So what have we learned here, people? Barley is still the chillest, coolest hang out for a great brew. They serve wine, draft cocktails, and the best mead in town. And they’re hosting super cool events twice a week. If you have plans for Thursday night, cancel them. And if you didn’t, you do now.

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 20, 2018 • THE PULSE • 25

FILM & TELEVISION

Into The Spider-Verse Meet your friendly neighborhood webslingers

The Bobby Stone Film Series The Tivoli Theater Foundation, with its history of film, is launching The Bobby Stone Film Series at the Tivoli this Saturday.

Named in honor of Chattanooga native and Tivoli Theatre Foundation Director Emeritus Bobby Stone, this unique series will bring film back to the Tivoli with the spirit of Bobby’s expert eye and passion for film, featuring both first run and classic titles.

Films will include arthouse and other distinctive programming reflective of Bobby’s love of cinema and his own skill in cinematography and capture of light.

Kicking off the series is a free showing of the Christmas comedy classic, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, this Saturday night at 7 p.m.

These showings would not be possible without recent generous contributions towards the installation of new equipment and a renovated projection room.

This film series launch follows the successful installation of a new state-of-the-art digital sound and projection system valued at $350,000.

The new system includes a brand new 4K digital projector, immersive surround sound, and a 50-foot drop down screen, the largest of its kind in North America.

Made possible by a major gift from Bobby Stone’s family and friends, this new equipment brings film projection back to the “Jewel of the South” in a world-class way

By John DeVore Pulse Film Editor

“

SpiderMan: Into the Spider-Verse is simply a more stylized form of animation.

Beyond that, the film is as funny, creative, and entertaining as any Marvel film to date.”

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I

T’S NOT A STRETCH TO SAY THAT MOST SUPERHERO movies are animated. Sure, they have live actors in them and the art is largely photorealistic renderings of comic book art, but there are teams and teams of animators, designers, and other artists that bring these films to life for all audiences to enjoy.

Effects are so expected now that they don’t seem especially special.

In fact, the most special of special effects are practical. We so seldom see something actually created, or done, that it’s become a novelty.

When Disney announced a new “live action” version of The Lion King, reasonable people scoffed— not just because it’s completely unnecessary, but because it’s no less animated than the original.

And so drawing a distinction between an Avengers film and the latest Marvel/Sony superhero joint Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse by calling one animated and the other live action is a little silly.

If anything, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse is simply a more stylized form of animation. Beyond that, the film is as funny, creative, and entertaining as any Marvel film to date (and significantly better than most Sony pictures of late). In fact, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse may rank in the upper echelons of any Marvel film. It’s that good.

The film begins with Peter Parker (Chris Pine), who recaps everything we already know: radioactive spiders, Uncle Ben, Aunt May, Mary Jane, Green Goblin, awkward dancing, etc. This version of Spider-Man isn’t the goofy teen that disintegrated at the end of the last

Avengers movie. He’s more the Sam Raimi/Toby McGuire SpiderMan that was the focus of two of the best superhero movies ever made, long before superheroes shared cinematic universes.

But Peter Parker isn’t the focus of the film. Instead, this film focuses on a young Miles Morales (Shameik Moore), a future Spider-man in the making. In case you haven’t heard, there are lots of SpiderMen in the Spider-Verse.

The film takes the notion of the infinite universes theory and runs with it. Kingpin, Spider-Man villain and absolute unit, has bankrolled a particle accelerator that is capable of opening doors to parallel universes. After Miles has his own encounter with a super-spider, he accidentally stumbles onto the experiment, which brings many different Spider-People into Miles’ universe.

There’s Peter B. Parker (Jake Johnson), a middle aged, divorced, overweight Spider-Man, Gwen Stacy (Hailee Stanfield) as Spider-Woman, Spider-Man Noir (Nick Cage), a black and white Spider-Man from 1933, Penii Parker (Kimiko Glenn), an anime version of the character featuring a middle school girl with a robot, and Spider-Ham (John Mulaney), an anthropomorphic pig with

“

Beyond just the animation, the story is tight and emotional and funny, effortlessly acted and performed by a supremely talented cast.”

characteristics of a Warner Brothers cartoon.

The multiple Spider-Folk have to race against time to return to their own universe and stop Kingpin from destroying his own.

Spider-Man: Into the SpiderVerse is so good that it’s hard to know where to start. The animation, for instance, is stunning. It features a textured comic book design in a 3D world, what you would imagine the world would look like if you stepped inside a comic book panel.

This is a new technique, developed for the film, where CGI works in concert with more traditional methods, making it look both hand drawn and computer rendered. It’s an artistic achievement that can’t be overstated.

Even within the film, which had its own revolutionary design for in world characters, the animators had to adapt the style of accommodate different comic types from other universes, with using art styles from anime to noir to classic

cartoon, all integrated seamlessly within the same story.

It’s a wonder to behold.

But beyond just the animation, the story is tight and emotional and funny, effortlessly acted and performed by a supremely talented cast, including those listed above as well as Lily Tomlin, Natalie Morales, Live Schreiber, Zoe Kravitz, and Mahershala Ali just to name a few. If you are a comic book fan, an action movie fan, or just a fan of good movies, I can’t imagine a reason why you wouldn’t want to see this film.

Of course, there is someone, somewhere talking about the glut of superhero films and franchises that saturate the marketplace and take studio dollars from other, potentially more original films.

It’s a valid point, to be sure, but maybe it should be one saved for Aquaman or the next Marvel Cinematic Universe vehicle.

Spider-Man: Into the SpiderVerse is good enough to transcend such talk.

✴ NEW IN THEATERS ✴

Aquaman Arthur Curry learns that he is the heir to the underwater kingdom of Atlantis, and must step forward to lead his people and be a hero to the world.

Director: James Wan Stars: Jason Momoa, Amber Heard, Willem Dafoe, Patrick Wilson

Bumblebee On the run in the year of 1987, Bumblebee finds refuge in a junkyard in a small Californian beach town. Charlie, on the cusp of turning 18 and trying to find her place in the world, discovers Bumblebee, battle-scarred and broken.

Director: Travis Knight Stars: Hailee Steinfeld, Dylan O'Brien

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 20, 2018 • THE PULSE • 27

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY existence of many more galaxies. Today the estimate is that there are at least 400 billion. I wonder what currently unimaginable possibilities will be obvious to our ancestors a hundred years from now. Likewise, I wonder what currently unforeseen truths will be fully available to you by the end of 2019. My guess: more than in any other previous year of your life.

ROB BREZSNY SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Sagittarian singer-songwriter Sia has achieved great success, garnering nine Grammy nominations and amassing a $20 million fortune.

Among the superstars for whom she has composed hit tunes are Beyoncé, Rihanna, and Flo Rida. But she has also had failures. Top recording artists like Adele and Shakira have commissioned her to write songs for them only to subsequently turn down what she created. In 2016, Sia got sweet revenge. She released an album in which she herself sang many of those rejected songs. It has sold more than two million copies.

Do you, too, know what it’s like to have your gifts and skills ignored or unused or rebuffed, Sagittarius? If so, the coming months will be an excellent time to express them for your own benefit, as Sia did.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): A typical fluffy white cumulus cloud weighs 216,000 pounds. A dark cumulonimbus storm cloud is 106 million pounds, almost 490 times heavier. Why? Because it’s filled with far more water than the white cloud. So which is better, the fluffy cumulus or the stormy cumolonimbus? Neither, of course. We might sometimes prefer the former over the latter because it doesn’t darken the sky as much or cause the inconvenience of rain.

But the truth is, the cumulonimbus is a blessing; a substantial source of moisture; a gift to growing things. I mention this because I suspect that for you, 2019 will have more metaphorical resemblances to the cumulonimbus than the cumulus.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): A hundred years ago, most astronomers thought there was just one galaxy in the universe: our Milky Way. Other models for the structure of the universe were virtually heretical. But in the 1920s, astronomer Edwin Hubble produced research that proved the

28 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 20, 2018 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Author Elizabeth Gilbert offers advice for those who long for a closer relationship with the Supreme Being: “Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water.” I’ll expand that approach so it applies to you when you’re in quest of any crucial life-enhancing experience. If you genuinely believe that a particular adventure or relationship or transformation is key to your central purpose, it’s not enough to be mildly enthusiastic about it. You really do need to seek your heart’s desire in the way people with their heads on fire look for water. 2019 will be prime time for you to embody this understanding.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): I suspect that in 2019 you’ll be able to blend a knack for creating more stability with an urge to explore and seek greater freedom. How might this unusual confluence be expressed in practical ways? Maybe you’ll travel to reconnect with your ancestral roots. Or perhaps a faraway ally or influence will help you feel more at home in the world. It’s possible you’ll establish a stronger foundation, which will in turn bolster your courage and inspire you to break free of a limitation.

What do you think?

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): On the average, a total eclipse of the sun happens every 18 months. And how often is a total solar eclipse visible from a specific location on the planet? Typically, once every 375 years. In 2019, the magic moment will occur on July 2 for people living in Chile and Argentina. But I believe that throughout the coming year, Tauruses all over the world will experience other kinds of rare and wonderful events at a higher rate than usual. Not eclipses, but rather divine interventions, mysterious miracles, catalytic epiphanies, unexpected breakthroughs, and amazing graces.

Expect more of the marvelous than you’re accustomed to.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): “The world’s full of people who have stopped listening to themselves,”

Homework: Forget what Time magazine thinks. Who is your “Person of the Year”? Tell me at Freewillastrology.sparkns. com; click on “Email Rob” wrote mythologist Joseph Campbell.

It’s imperative that you NOT be one of those folks. 2019 should be the Year of Listening Deeply to Yourself.

That means being on high alert for your inner inklings, your unconscious longings, and the still, small voice at the heart of your destiny. If you do that, you’ll discover I’m right when I say that you’re smarter than you realize.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Jackson Pollock is regarded as a pioneer in the technique of drip painting, which involves drizzling and splashing paint on canvases that lie on the floor. It made him famous. But the truth is, Pollock got inspired to pursue what became known as his signature style only after he saw an exhibit by the artist Janet Sobel, who was the real pioneer. I bring this to your attention, because I see 2019 as a year when the Janet Sobel-like aspects of your life will get their due. Overdue appreciation will arrive. Credit you have deserved but haven’t fully garnered will finally come your way. You’ll be acknowledged and recognized in surprising ways.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): As the crow flies, Wyoming is almost a thousand miles from the Pacific Ocean and more than a thousand miles from the Gulf of Mexico, which is part of the Atlantic Ocean. Now here’s a surprise: in the northwest corner of Wyoming, the North Two Ocean Creek divides into two tributaries, one of which ultimately flows to the Pacific and one that reaches the Gulf. So an enterprising fish could conceivably swim from one ocean to the other via this waterway. I propose that we make North Two Ocean Creek your official metaphor for 2019. It will symbolize the turning point you’ll be at in your life; it will remind you that you’ll have the power to launch an epic journey in one of two directions.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I have come to the conclusion that softening your relationship with perfectionism will be a key assignment in 2019. With this in mind, I offer you

observations from wise people who have studied the subject. 1. “The perfect is the enemy of the good.” — Voltaire 2. “Perfection is a stick with which to beat the possible.” —Rebecca Solnit 3. Perfectionism is “the high-end version of fear.” —Elizabeth Gilbert 4. “Nothing is less efficient than perfectionism.” —Elizabeth Gilbert 4. “It’s better to live your own life imperfectly than to imitate someone else’s perfectly.” —Elizabeth Gilbert LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): In 1682, Peter Alexeyevich became co-Tsar of Russia. He was ten years old. His 24-year-old half-sister Sophia had a hole cut in the back of his side of the dual throne. That way she could sit behind him, out of sight, and whisper guidance as he discussed political matters with allies. I’d love it if you could wangle a comparable arrangement for yourself in 2019. Are there wise confidants or mentors or helpers from whom you could draw continuous counsel?

Seek them out.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The body of the violin has two f-shaped holes on either side of the strings. They enable the sound that resonates inside the instrument to be projected outwardly. A thousand years ago, the earliest ancestor of the modern violin had round holes. Later they became half-moons, then c-shaped, and finally evolved into the f-shape. Why the change? Scientific analysis reveals that the modern form allows more air to be pushed out from inside the instrument, thereby producing a more powerful sound. My analysis of your life in 2019 suggests it will be a time to make an upgrade from your metaphorical equivalent of the c-shaped holes to the f-shaped holes. A small shift like that will enable you to generate more power and resonance.

Rob Brezsny is an aspiring master of curiosity, perpetrator of sacred uproar, and founder of the Beauty and Truth Lab. He brings a literate, myth-savvy perspective to his work. It’s all in the stars.

JONESIN' CROSSWORD

THE COMIX

“Half-Human”—a short list of hybrids.

ACROSS 1 ___ Xtra (Dr Pepper rival) 5 Group of eight 10 Do really badly 14 Out on the open water 15 Done for one, for one 16 Skate park fixture 17 Bremner of “Trainspotting” and “Wonder Woman” 18 Gives the ax 19 Competently 20 Political position that’s half-human, half-horse?

23 Easy basketball shot 24 “Agnus ___” 25 Swiss peak 28 Gallery works 29 Standard pinball feature 33 “8 Seconds” venue 35 Bar activity with request slips 38 Stick with a spring 39 Carnival attraction that’s half-human, half-goat?

43 Former Montreal ballplayer 44 Of food regimens

(like 36-Down) 45 One-named supporting actress on “Parks and Recreation” 47 Salsa ___ (red condiment) 48 Bar brew, briefly 51 Rain-___ (gumball brand) 52 Roasting receptacle 55 World Cup 2022’s host country 57 Seasonal greeting that’s half-human, half-bird?

62 Mariska Hargitay’s longtime costar 64 Triple Seven, for one 65 “That’s ___!”

66 Purplish ingredient of bubble tea and milk tea 67 Poet Federico García ___ 68 Neighbor of Wisc.

69 Part of a goblet 70 Type in 71 Stuffing herb DOWN 1 Rice dish made with saffron 2 “Honestly!”

3 Short-sleeved

Hanes product 4 African linguistic group 5 “Carmina Burana” composer Carl 6 In fashion 7 Car part, in Britain 8 Improve on 9 Villa ___ (estate near Rome) 10 Bavarian title 11 Common breed for guide dogs 12 It may be essential (but isn’t actually essential) 13 Paper layer 21 Winfrey in “A Wrinkle in Time” 22 Bubble wrap component 26 “The ___ Movie 2” (February 2019 release) 27 Low-grade 30 Former Yankee nickname 31 Haleakala locale 32 Tough puzzle 34 Grand Ole ___ 35 Shoelace issue 36 Regimen with a high-fat focus 37 Key with four

sharps, for short 39 “Phineas and ___” 40 Ice skating jump 41 Where you may have had it?

42 From Basra, perhaps 46 May preceder (abbr.)

48 Napoli’s nation 49 Like most customers 50 Former Arsenal manager Wenger whose nickname is “Le Professeur” 53 Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter 54 1930s DuPont fabric invention 56 First presidential surname to appear twice 58 Molecular unit 59 Playwright Moss or lyricist Lorenz 60 Not again?

61 “All in the Family” producer Norman 62 Opening word of “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” episodes 63 Grumpy ___ (Internet celebrity with the real name Tardar Sauce)

Copyright © 2018 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents perminute. Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle No. 915 CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 20, 2018 • THE PULSE • 29

COLUMN · ON THE BEAT

Guard Duty For Fun And Overtime Office Alex learns the fine art of guarding an unhappy customer

I Alex Teach

Pulse columnist

“

I just knew what I wouldn’t be doing for the foreseeable future and that was enjoying myself in the least bit. It’s not that the job was hard, it’s that it could (and would) go on for hours.”

When officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrolling our fair city on the heels of the criminal element, he spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center.

N POLICE WORK, THERE ARE TWO specific jobs that require the same uniform but have nearly opposite roles: Law Enforcement and Corrections.

Saying this annoys the shit out of corrections officers because they will point out in most non-privately run jails they are both sworn officers and wear the identical uniforms as their counterparts in patrol, but that’s where the similarity ends and is by no means an insult.

You see, Corrections is a job I couldn’t do. I’m not equipped. They are better than I am, and while that’s not saying much it’s definitely the opposite of an insult. There are no investigations; no arrests. No freedom to move about, not much more than the people they’re guarding in some cases.

It’s thankless, miserable, and most jails have upwards of a 45 percent turnover rate. (Anyone here own or operate a business? Imagine the training and equipment costs.)

I say all that to tell you that I wind up on occasion guarding prisoners.

I was sitting in a chair only marginally more comfortable than the stainless steel bench my guest was chained to, and he was as successfully feigning interest as well as he could while staring at the ceiling as I was looking at my flip phone. (Yup. I’m not dating this story but I said “flip phone.”)

This blows.

I’d been caught by a detective in a hallway during a rare return to the Mothership (aka police headquarters) and he asked if I could “come here for a second.” I’d already made eye contact so I began mentally kicking my ass in advance as I approached to hear the inevitable, “Could you watch this guy a second while we interview the victim?

Thanks.”

I don’t know why he was there and didn’t care. I just knew what I wouldn’t be doing for the foreseeable future and

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that was enjoying myself in the least bit.

It’s not that the job was hard, it’s that it could (and would) go on for hours.

And not just your work hours; you could be there at shift change, and you can’t leave until someone else can’t find a way around relieving you meaning you’d be going into overtime instead of going home.

Meanwhile your partners are answering calls with one less guy to back them up and cursing you for it, which goes back to the idea that there are people that actually do something similar to this every day, all day…in Corrections.

My customer was cuffed behind his back while sitting down which is a bit unusual (we really aren’t in the torture game) and after a few moments of silence I’d noticed a drop of blood smeared on the bench behind him when he shifted at some monotonous point.

I stood up to examine him out of both decency and boredom, and saw an injury on his wrist above his cuffs. I flagged down another passing officer— a sergeant actually—and knowing he wasn’t going to get stuck relieving me because of his rank he didn’t hesitate to help.

“Let’s get these cuffs around front and see what we can do here, son,” the Sarge said as he waived for him to

stand. He turned him around and got one cuff off as I stepped towards them and it was about that second that in one motion my guest dropped to his knees and wrapped his hands around the pistol grip of the Sarge’s duty weapon that was not coincidentally anchored into its holster by three separate safety points.

“Well damn,” I would have said if I were thinking instead of diving in to place my hands over the prisoners in an effort to keep that pistol exactly where it was. “GIVE it to me!” he screamed. “I want to DIE! I DESERVE to DIE!” While I took him at his word, it wasn’t going to be on his terms.

Detectives poured out of doorways and began to pile on (“I came out and there was Teach’s feet sticking out from under a pile of cops, hoo boy!” one would later recall) and there I was with Sarge’s gun still inches from my face, keeping it in place, until they pried him off and re-secured him.

“Damn, that was a hell of a thing wasn’t it?!” they said while catching their breath, and I agreed, finally having pulled myself into a sitting position.

“By the way. Would you mind watching him again? Thanks pal.”

I closed my eyes, but did not cry. (I think.)

Best job in the world.

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 20, 2018 • THE PULSE • 31