Chattanooga Pulse Vol.6 Issue 19

CARBON OFFSETS • PETA AND POTHOLES • TRENT CRESWELL

A Down Economy Has Many People Wondering About

The Future of Nightfall

by Stephanie Smith

FREE

May 7-13, 2009 Volume 6 • Issue 19

CONTENTS T H E P U L S E • C H A T T A N O O G A , T E N N E S S E E • M AY 7 - 2 3 , 2 0 0 9 • V O L U M E 6 , I S S U E 1 9

COVER STORY

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NEWS & VIEWS 5 PULSE BEATS

21 LIFE IN THE ‘NOOG

The newsy, notable and notorious.

Loving the bicycle lifestyle.

14 SHRINK RAP

22 SHADES OF GREEN

Stories of hardship and hope.

Are carbon offsets a cop-out?

19 ON THE BEAT

30 ASK A MEXICAN

Alex Teach answers your questions.

Special pandemic edition.

ARTS & CULTURE 16 ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT By Hellcat Let me start by saying that I might just have a new hero—and his name is Trent Creswell. His all-too-recent past is filled with horrific occurrences that I hesitate to call accidental. The types of experiences that would typically paralyze a person with bitterness, hatred, and self-pity are those from which Trent has drawn inspiration.

20 FILM FEATURE

By Damien Power “Space, the final frontier,” sends a chill down my spine to this day. I’m far too young to have watched The Original Series on its first run, but my nerdy little life was shaped by Star Trek: The Next Generation. Just because I was late to the party doesn’t mean I couldn’t have a little fun.

25 MUSIC FEATURE

By Stephanie Smith Appropriate lyrics for a band that chose its name from an Austin street nicknamed Asylum Street because it led to a local asylum and the term “spanker,” meaning “a musician who plays his instrument vigorously and proficiently.” And if the name doesn’t reel you in, one visit to YouTube will set the hook.

Cover photography by Kelly Lockhart

NO DOWNTURN FOR DOWNTOWN MUSIC

By Stephanie Smith “Nightfall feels like a part of the fabric of the nightlife of downtown Chattanooga. With it being such a longstanding tradition, we weren’t willing to let the current economy change it in any way. People will be hungry for good free live entertainment,” says Carla Pritchard, Executive Director of Chattanooga Downtown Partnership.

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EDITOON LETTERS TO THE EDITOR CITY COUNCILSCOPE THE LIST POLICE BLOTTER CHATTANOOGA STREET SCENES

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NEWS FEATURE A&E CALENDAR MUSIC CALENDAR NEW MUSIC REVIEWS FREE WILL ASTROLOGY JONESIN’ CROSSWORD

The entire contents of this publication are copyrighted and property of Brewer Media Group.

No part of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publishers. The Pulse utilizes freelance writers and the views expressed within this publication are not necessarily the views of the publishers or editors. The Pulse takes no responsibility for unsolicited manuscripts, photographs, artwork or other materials.

The

Editoon

by Rick Baldwin

Publisher Zachary Cooper zcooper@chattanoogapulse.com Contributing Editor Janis Hashe jhashe@chattanoogapulse.com News Editor/Art Director Gary Poole gpoole@chattanoogapulse.com Calendar Editor Stephanie Smith ssmith@chattanoogapulse.com Advertising Sales Rick Leavell rleavell@chattanoogapulse.com Editorial Intern Erica Tuggle etuggle@chattanoogapulse.com Contributing Writers Gustavo Arellano, Blythe Bailey Misty Brandon, Rob Brezsny Aaron Collier, Elizabeth Crenshaw Chuck Crowder, Michael Crumb Rebecca Cruz, Lysa Greer, Hellcat, Phillip Johnston Matt Jones, Jeremy Lawrence Louis Lee, Ernie Paik Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D. Damien Power, Stephanie Smith Alex Teach, Robert Yates Art Department Sharon Chambers Kelly Lockhart Damien Power Alisha Whalen

Letters to the Editor

Contributing Artist Rick Baldwin Staff Photographer Damien Power Contributing Photographers Bob Edens Joshua Lang Ray Soldano Contact Info: Phone (423) 648-7857 Fax (423) 648-7860 E-mail info@chattanoogapulse.com Advertising advertising@chattanoogapulse.com Calendar Listings calendar@chattanoogapulse.com The Pulse is published weekly and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publishers may take more than one copy per weekly issue. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors.

The Pulse is published by

1305 Carter Street Chattanooga, Tennessee 37402 phone (423) 648-7857 fax (423) 648-7860 Letters to the editor must include name, address and daytime phone number for verification. The Pulse reserves the right to edit letters for space and clarity. Please keep letters within 500 words in length.

The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on culture, the arts, entertainment and local news.

Member

In Defense Of Riverbend Hellcat, as usual I disagree with most of your views [“Riverbland Anticipation”]. Riverbend will never be everything to everybody. While you may not like all of the music at Riverbend, I bet they will still have tens of thousands in attendance each night that do like some of the music. On one hand, you chastise Riverbend for the artists selected to play, then you name off some you like. The Riverbend pin costs $28.

Bonnaroo, a concert series that may offer a few more artists you like, costs 10 times that for admission. Where the

money goes is public information, as Friends Of The Festival is a non-profit.

Look it up.

Riverbend puts 50,000 people downtown within blocks of our local venues. All these venues need to do is to figure a way to capture a small percentage of these music fans to come by before or after the festival. There are some that have done this successfully. I for one love the Riverbend experience.

I tend to hang out at the smaller stages, where I can see some pretty cool acts that I am not familiar with. While I often disagree with your views, I would still be your friend, even though you are not currently taking applications for them.

Bob Payne Chattanooga Loving One Another Fabulous article, Dr. Rick [“Love Your Inner Cracked Pot”, Shrink Rap]!

I think we’ve really got to love each other through our flaws, regardless of our flaws, and sometimes because of our flaws. Screw bigotry and judgment… let’s just shake hands, share some laughs, and get on with what is a very short life.

Thanks for the reminder, Dr. Rick, about looking past what doesn’t matter, and seeing through to the heart of the

matter—that none of us is perfect, but each of us deserves to be loved.

Bearman Bill Chattanooga Let Dr. Jesus Do The Healing “Help needed?” Your shrink should psychoanalyze your beat cop? Surely some of Officer Teach’s subjects need more social help than he does [“Letters To The Editor”]. And can Dr. Rick help anyone change much? His reprinted column in last week’s issue says: “Perhaps ‘flaws’ and ‘cracks’ are just a matter of perception;” the headline urges “Love Your Inner Cracked Pot.” The story is told that once when Harry Ironside was street preaching, a skeptic challenged him to a debate.

Fine, said Ironside, on one condition.

I’ll bring a hundred ex-drunkards and ex-prostitutes who’ve been transformed

by Jesus Christ; you bring two such who’ve been transformed by your skepticism, in order to show your doctrine has something to offer. The skeptic withdrew his challenge. Most churches are awfully soggy these days, but Chuck Colson is one well-known man transformed by Jesus Christ. I, and we, need more change, not less, but Dr. Jesus is the guy to go to for it.

Andrew Lohr Chattanooga

Send all letters to the editor and questions to info@chattanoogapulse.com We reserve the right to edit letters for content and space. Please include your full name, city and contact information.

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Pulse Beats

Quote Of The Week: “It is a sad day for me when I have to come down to Chattanooga to deal with these people who tried to do a favor for a friend.”

A rundown of the newsy, the notable, and the notorious...

—Retired Federal Judge Leon Jordan, after sentencing former City Councilman Duke Franklin to probation and community service.

No Pothole Repairs For PETA Just days after Chattanooga officials learned that they were one of only four cities nationwide to receive a $3,000 donation as a result of the “Re-Freshed by KFC” marketing campaign, animal rights group PETA (People For The Ethical Treatment of Animals) offered to double the grant amount if the city would allow them to place their own advertising on the repaired holes.

However, the city turned down PETA’s offer. “We are not going to place ourselves into the middle of an argument between PETA and the KFC Corporation,” explained City Media Relation Director Richard Beeland.

At issue was the advertising PETA intended to place on the repaired potholes that would have featured a caricature of an evil Colonel Sanders and the slogan “KFC Tortures Animals”. PETA believes chickens used

by KFC are raised and slaughtered inhumanely.

“The city of Chattanooga receives donations from a variety of sources and is grateful for all of them, including that of KFC. While we appreciate PETA’s dedication and passion towards their mission, it would be inappropriate to accept their offer with the awkward requirement that would

Here is one of the more interesting agenda items set to be discussed at the May 12 meeting of the Chattanooga City Council.

6. Ordinances – First Reading: a) An ordinance to amend Chattanooga City Code, Part II, Chapter 38, Zoning Ordinance, Section 38-2, Section 38-185, and Section 38-527, relative to the regulation of nightclubs.

effectively use the city of Chattanooga to malign a particular corporation,” Beeland elaborated.

Approximately 500 potholes will be repaired locally as a result of the KFC program, which was launched in March as part of a marketing campaign designed as a pilot infrastructure renewal program. “This program is a perfect example of that rare and optimal occurrence when a company can creatively market itself and

help local governments and everyday Americans across the country,” said Javier Benito, executive vice president of marketing and food innovation for KFC. “Everyone could use a little help during these tough economic times and this initiative—like our commitment to provide affordable, freshly prepared chicken—is our way of carrying on Colonel Sanders’ legacy,” Benito explained.

Volkswagen Construction Ahead Of Schedule Volkswagen officials are happy with the progress being made at the Enterprise South construction site. According to the Construction Project Manager, Thilo Brockhaus, construction on the paint shop is ahead of schedule, progress that had many in the region concerned of late.

“All the offices, canteens, the social areas, locker rooms, and the technical center started today,” said Brockhaus.

“The body shop and assembly starts now, but all three buildings…the paint shop, the assembly shop and the body shop will be weather-tight the same time, in fall this year.”

Standing in front of the soon-to-be 103-foot-tall paint shop, Brockhaus said that the subcontractors are all on-site and making progress. Just to the side of the paint shop, survey work has begun on the assembly building.

“I’m kind of happy seeing that building coming out of the ground and two other buildings here started,” said Hamilton County Mayor Claude Ramsey. He told Pulse News that even while some in the public had doubts about VW’s sincerity in building here, he had no doubts. “They’ve never given us any indication that it wasn’t a ‘go’.”

Ramsey points to the gamble he took last May in preemptively clearing the massive plot of land after hearing

There it is, one of the more controversial ordinances to come before the council in quite some time. This is the ordinance that would establish a 1,000-foot exclusion zone away from residential zones for any business owner who wants to open a cabaret, nightclub, entertainment restaurant, music club, sports bar or comedy establishment.

It would also require said businesses to come before the city council to get a Special Use Permit, in which they would have to show the council a site plan, general plan for the utilization of any building (including decks and balconies), location of amplified speakers, parking plans, and noise-reduction efforts, among other specifications.

The reasoning behind the ordinance is simple: keep noisy and disruptive clubs away from residential areas. However, considering that 1,000 feet is 16 feet longer than the Eiffel Tower (if it were placed on its side), this ordinance would make it far more difficult for business and property owners to open up any new establishments.

Project Construction Manager, Thilo Brockhaus, speaks to reporters with the Paint Shop rising in the background.

from Volkswagen that they couldn’t “see” the site. “This time last year, one year… less than a year ago, this was forest.” He added that he was not alone in his optimism back then. “A lot of things can happen when you’re committed.”

There is also concern about the council being involved directly in what is really a planning commission issue (special permits) and why only these types of businesses are being singled out for special notice.

The Chattanooga City Council meets each Tuesday at 6 p.m. in the City Council Building at 1000 Lindsay St. For more information on the agendas, visit www.Chattanooga.gov/City_ Council/110_Agenda.asp

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A weekly roundup of the newsworthy, notable and often head-scratching stories gleaned from police reports from the Chattanooga Police Department, the Hamilton County Sheriff’s Office, the Bradley County Sheriff’s Department and the Dalton Police Department.

Most Searched Keywords On Google 1. Rett Syndrome – a neurodevelopmental disorder that is classified as a pervasive developmental disorder by the DSM-IV. 2. Jack Kemp – longtime conservative politician and NFL quarterback who passed away.

3. Antinori Wines – 26-generation winemaking family from Tuscany and Umbria.

4. Jasmine Villegas – Popular MySpace musical artist and occasional actress.

5. Carbine Williams – a 1952 dramatic film starring James Stewart.

6. Chicken Of The Sea – It’s tuna. Sorry, Charlie.

7. Eric Dill – former lead singer of The Click Five.

8. Calvin Borel – Kentucky Derby-winning jockey, both this year and in 2007.

9. Kansas Unemployment – apparently, lots of worried people in Kansas.

10. Mine That Bird – racehorse that was the second biggest longshot in history to win the Kentucky Derby.

• Liquor stores have long been a favorite target for “smash-and-grab” thieves. So it was no surprise to hear about a break-in to a Hixson Pike beverage establishment last week.

What was surprising is the thief obviously had very particular taste, zeroing in on the Absolut Vodka display and making off with an unknown number of bottles. After breaking the front window by the expedient means of throwing a rock through it, security video showed him making a beeline for the vodka and then quickly leaving. We’re wondering if this might be an audition for the next magazine ad, potentially entitled “Absolut Thief”.

• Is there no more romance in the world? A woman on Blackford Street called police to report the unwanted

Since its launch in 1998, Google has become the first choice of millions of web surfers to find what they are looking for on the Web. So, when The List wanted to know what the most popular search items were currently, he Googled Google for the answer.

Don’t feel bad if you didn’t recognize every item on the list (we didn’t know who Jasmine Villegas was, either) or even why they were on the list this week (who doesn’t know about tuna?), but just be thankful than neither Britney Spears nor Paris Hilton were on the list.

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amorous intentions of an unknown man. According to the woman, a man around 20 years old came up to her porch, and after some idle chitchat about her flower garden and whether she knew an acquaintance of his (she did not), he then casually inquired is she was interested in having sex with him. Not only was she not interested, she ordered him off her property and called police. If the man in question is reading this issue, we advise a more old-fashioned approach: dinner, flowers (of your own), maybe a movie and definitely much better manners.

• What do you do when you find your neighbor is stealing power from you? The question is made a bit more complicated when you share a duplex wall with said neighbor and do not want him to get arrested. What one Old Mission Road resident did was call police to have them come out and witness him removing his neighbor’s

Chattanooga Street Scenes

extension cord from the wall socket, just in case the neighbor made a scene. When police arrived, however, they were unable to get the neighbor come to the door even after the illgotten power flow was stopped.

• Nearly every week we run across a story of a criminal who gets caught largely because of their lack of driving abilities. This week is no different.

Just minutes after two men allegedly tried to rob a man at gunpoint, which led to an altercation in which a shot was fired at the victim as he fled, the suspects were stopped for an unrelated traffic offense. The officer, luckily, discovered that the vehicle he had just stopped matched the description of the one used in the attempted hold up and was able to take both men into custody. The two were charged with aggravated assault and will likely not get to practice their driving for a good number of years. Maybe by then, they’ll be better than before.

Photo by satff photographer Damien Power

Reflections in the rain water of the Walnut Street Bridge.

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NewsFeature

by Gary Poole

Grand Jury Calls For New Jail, Longer Sentencing T

he final report from the Regular Hamilton County Grand Jury, which has met over the past four months, comes down harshly on what it feels is far too lenient sentencing and punishment for repeat criminal offenders.

“It appears to us that most of the criminals rarely receive any real punishment,” wrote jury foreman Marsha Crabtree in the report. “They continue to appear on our weekly docket, usually with multiple charges and victims, time after time, throughout the entire term, year after year. We don’t see what, if anything, is done to deter their life of crime. It is evident that their frequent arrests and occasional incarceration does nothing to impede their criminal behavior.”

She also expressed the frustration not only this jury felt, but past grand juries as well. “Rather than restate all of the many credible observations and recommendations made by past Grand Juries, we prefer to say that we concur with them and feel that they continue to merit serious consideration by every concerned citizen and official of Hamilton County,” she wrote.

“We find it interesting that most of what has been reported by Grand Juries for many years is essentially the same as what we feel to be true even today—the same frustrations, questions and concerns; the same calls for attention to and correction of many apparent problems; the same observations and recommendations, etc.”

In addition to urging tougher sentencing for career criminals, they also addressed what they felt is a “too general” and “diluted” Domestic Violence Law. “Fights or assaults between family members… or people who once had a relationship…are often serious, but they do not seem to fit the true meaning of ‘domestic violence’ in our opinion,” the report stated.

Also in the report was a strong call for a new county jail, along with a comprehensive Juvenile Correctional Facility and a Truant Processing Center.

“The growing number of violent defendants trans-

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ferred from Juvenile Court to adult Criminal Court is very evident on our weekly docket,” wrote Ms. Crabtree. “We urgently need these facilities now rather than later.”

One issue that the Grand Jury was especially critical of was its own pay. “Grand Jurors deserve more equitable pay for their commitment of 4 months of service to our community,” Crabtree explained. “We certainly appreciate having our parking paid for—the current $13 per day would never cover both parking and lunch on the days we serve. We also feel like the member of the Grand Jury who has to take the official notes for the group during their term should receive additional pay. It is a required function and a thankless, very busy job for the person who so graciously (sometimes reluctantly!) agrees to do it.”

“They [criminals] continue to appear on our weekly docket, usually with multiple charges and victims, time after time, throughout the entire term, year after year.”

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Cover Story

The Future Of Nightfall Beset By A Faltering Economy, Can The Free Concert Series Survive? www.chattanoogapulse.com 5.7.09 The Pulse

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Cover Story

No Downturn for Downtown Music

by Stephanie Smith

“Nightfall pumps energy and vitality into the downtown area, and that’s the same goal we had when we started 20 years ago.”

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“N

ightfall feels like a part of the fabric of the nightlife of downtown Chattanooga. With it being such a longstanding tradition, we weren’t willing to let the current economy change it in any way. People will be hungry for good free live entertainment,” says Carla Pritchard, Executive Director of Chattanooga Downtown Partnership.

Since 1988, the free Friday-night summer concert series known as Nightfall has been taking place at Miller Plaza in the heart of downtown Chattanooga. With its 21st season rapidly approaching, rumors were beginning to fly that the event would not take place as usual due to the struggling economy. Nightfall is presented by the Chattanooga Downtown Partnership, a division of the RiverCity Company, and sponsored by local businesses; as it turns out, Chattanooga Downtown Partnership (CDP) was seriously considering cancelling the event.

“This was a tough year and a tough one to figure out, knowing what we’re up against with sponsorships being dropped or reduced,” says Pritchard. “Especially when compared to last year—the 20th anniversary was a wonderful celebration, with great bands, great sponsorship, and great crowds. We felt the change at the beginning of the calendar year, so we did think long and hard about what our position would and could be.”

She explains, “Since we wouldn’t use last year as our

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goal (being an anniversary and considering the current economy), we looked back over the past five years and tried to figure out how we could position ourselves so as to not to be too much at risk. We had to decide before we knew; in the end, we basically went on a gut feeling based on how other CDP-sponsored events were going. “[CDP] is a partnership. Some businesses are pulling together, pitching in $40 here and there to make it work; the sponsors who are committing are figuring out creative ways to make payments and get partners.

Also, the majority of our funding comes from the sales of concessions, so the audience members are sponsors as well. It is truly a community effort.”

Once the ball was rolling, Pritchard and CDP members had to put together the high-quality lineup of diverse musical acts that the series has become known for.

“We’ve very satisfied with the season, “ Pritchard reports. “Nightfall is just one of CDP’s events throughout the year, but this is the only event where we bring in artists from all over, not just locally. Even with the budget constraints, we didn’t want to change that. So it is going to look a lot the same. The heart and soul of the series will remain in place.”

Nightfall is advertised on the CDP web site, but is promoted primarily through local brochure printings and word of mouth.

“More than on the web site, it’s the word on the street that gets me hyped up,” Pritchard enthuses. “Often I run into people who recognize me and they say, ‘Thank you so much for bringing in fill-in-the-blank. I paid so much money to see them on tour; I can’t believe I can see them in Chattanooga for free!’”

Some of the bands that have people talking are JJ Grey and Mofro and Dr. Dog. Both bands have recently made the late-night talk-show circuit and are turning heads.

Other well-known headliners include Enter the Haggis and Carlene Carter.

Local favorites, such as Milele Roots and Dismembered Tennesseans, will be opening for the headliners.

Pritchard thinks Chattanooga has its finger on the pulse of the current popular music scene and expects continued growth for the series and downtown businesses.

“People view us (Chattanooga) differently because we have so much to offer—the city’s alive, a place where people from the community come together to support the central business district,” she says. “Downtown Chattanooga continues to need attention. Nightfall pumps energy and vitality into the downtown area, and that’s the same goal we had when we started 20 years ago.”

Cover Story

Nightfall Lineup 2009 (For more event information, visit downtownchattanooga.org/nightfall) May 22 Lil’ Malcolm & the Zydeco House Rockers (Opener: Dexter Thomas Band) Lil’ Malcolm & The House Rockers are a traditional family band whose music is a mix of funky zydeco and Texas blues. myspace.com/lilmalcolmandthehouserockers May 29 Nation Beat (Opener: The Nim Nims) Nation Beat harvests the sounds of northeast Brazil and the southern United States. www.myspace.com/nationbeat June 19 Carolyn Wonderland (Opener: Sterchi Brothers Band) Carolyn Wonderland is an Austin renegade who incorporates elements of blues, country, swing, and soul into her songwriting, vocals, and legendary guitar-playing. www.myspace.com/carolynwonderland June 26 Reed Thomas Lawrence (Opener: Infinite Orange) Reed Thomas Lawrence brings original, friendly pop music to the masses. www.reedthomaslawrence.com July 3 JJ Grey & Mofro (Opener: Blues Hammer) Grey combines blues, rock, country, and soul and serves it up with a healthy dollop of Southern roots that makes the music enticing to enthusiasts all over the world. www.mofro.net July 10 Dan Baird & Homemade Sin (Opener: Joint Effort) Ex-Georgia Satellite singer/guitarist Dan Baird is sure to deliver a dynamite Southern rock show with his new band Homemade Sin. www.danbairdandhomemadesin.com

July 17 Ben Sollee (Opener: Ben Friberg Quartet) Named one of NPR’s “Top Ten Unknown Artists of the Year” in 2007, Ben Sollee will contribute a unique folk/jazz sound to Nightfall when he leads the band with his cello. www.bensollee.com

September 4 Enter the Haggis (Opener: The Tammys) Enter the Haggis is a Celtic rock band from Toronto that has recently found much success on Billboard and with many devoted fans. www.enterthehaggis.com

July 24 Eleni Mandell (Opener: Taxicab Racers) Eleni Mandell will blend a rich lyric with a folk, jazz, alternative and country sound. www.elenimandell.com

September 11 Carlene Carter (Opener: Roger Alan Wade) Daughter of June Carter Cash, Carlene Carter has always infused country rock with her own brand of energy. myspace.com/carlenecartermusic

July 31 Daby Toure (Opener: Milele Roots) Daby Touré combines his African roots with pop and jazz and kicks off a limited US tour at Miller Plaza. www.realworldrecords.com/artists/daby-toure August 7 Act of Congress (Opener: Sistren) Very accomplished musicians Act of Congress are a “pop-grass” quartet that blends rock, folk, and bluegrass. www.actofcongressmusic.com August 14 Rocco DeLuca and the Burden (Opener: The Distribution) Rocco DeLuca is known for playing “dreamy rock” on the dobro. myspace.com/roccodeluca August 21 John Nemeth (Opener: Stratoblasters) John Nemeth may be the best white blues singer ever. www.johnnemethblues.com August 28 Shotgun Party (Opener: Spatial Effects) Shotgun Party puts on an American show that’s a blend of jazz and country on an upright bass, fiddle and guitar. www.myspace.com/shotgunfiesta

September 18 Dr. Dog (Opener: Coral Castles) Philadelphia indiepop act Dr. Dog is a group of guys who blend pop music with lo-fi recording techniques to create their own quirky, original sound. www.drdogmusic.com September 25 The Gibson Brothers (Opener: Dismembered Tennesseans) The Gibson Brothers have perfected the bluegrass brother-duet act. www.gibsonbrothers.com Featuring a wide variety of headline performances by world-class musicians from around the globe every Friday evening from May 22 (Memorial Day weekend) through September 25 at Miller Plaza in downtown Chattanooga.

During the two weeks of the Riverbend Festival (June 5 and June 12) there will be no Nightfall performance, though the Miller Plaza Stage will be used for live performances during the Bessie Smith Strut on Monday, June 8.

All Nightfall shows take place at Miller Plaza. located along MLK Blvd. Opening acts begin at 7 p.m.; headliners at 8 p.m. No coolers are allowed; food and drink available for purchase at the site.

Dogs and morotcycles are welcome, provided that both are used responsibly. www.chattanoogapulse.com 5.7.09 The Pulse

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ShrinkRap

by Dr. Rick

Stories of Hardship and Hope Editor’s note: The good doctor is enjoying a well-deserved vacation, so we are reprinting a couple of reader-favorite columns.

I

want to share a few stories with you.

This afternoon, I received a call from Keith, a good friend of mine, who told me he had just lost his job.

He is a very conscientious worker, had a lot of responsibility in his position, and was recently promoted at his company. And he was fired.

Suddenly. No warning. With very little explanation. He was not only doing his best each and every paycheck to work his way out of debt and, eventually, get ahead in life, but he was also sending money to his parents—currently providing care for his elderly grandfather—who counted on his help.

About an hour after that phone call, I received another call from a long-time friend, Craig, whom I’ve written about before in this column.

He was a heart-transplant patient several years back, and recently became an amputee. He lost part of one leg due to complications from diabetes, but was on the mend and learning to get around quite well in his new wheelchair. He was very distraught, understandably, as his doctor’s visit today provided him with more painful news: They would have to amputate more of his leg due to infection.

Then just before bed, another dear friend from up north, Sarah, called and told me about her pending divorce. The couple is raising three young children, and had for several

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years been experiencing serious difficulties in their relationship. After couples counseling and a lot of painful soul-searching, they made their decision. Sarah is understandably worried, not only for their futures, but for the mental and spiritual well being of their children.

It’s been quite a day. And isn’t it agony when you want so badly to do something to help “fix it”…and you can’t?

It’s one thing to have the kind of problems that we probably all share to one degree or another, at one time or another, like occasionally coming up a little short on rent; catching a cold that just won’t go away; dealing with poor grades at school despite hard work and perseverance; experiencing communication snags in a relationship and stressing about why you don’t “click” anymore.

Much of the time, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, or some solid support to help you get through the financial, health, or relationship hurdles. “This too shall pass” is a helpful 12-step mantra. And it’s true.

As Buddha said, everything changes.

But what do we do with the big tough stuff, the kind of issues that really challenge our coping skills, our reserves of determination and resilience? How do we navigate the various life-altering losses that are a part of life, and emerge not bitter, but better? How do we keep ourselves whole and intact in the face of emotional destitution, loneliness, rejection, fear, childhood demons?

What’s the answer when the answers aren’t easy?

This is the stuff we are made of.

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This is what tests our mettle and forever changes our worldview. This is the stuff from which we hope to emerge wiser, and with a greater sense of empowerment. It’s not fixable with a Band-Aid; rather, is helped through a re-shoring of inner resources; is tackled with a degree of vigilance and fortitude previously uncalled upon; is healed only with a change of perception, a softening of the heart, an opening of the mind. From the pain of these life challenges we hope to learn how to re-fill our internal coffers to the point of overflowing, so there can be, once again, enough.

At such times I remember a fact taught to first-year medical students: The first task of the heart is to pump blood to itself. In my books I refer to this as “healthy selfishness.” It’s not selfish at all, however—it’s simply good self-care. There are moments in life when we need to learn to prioritize our own care, for without enough sustenance how can we be of use to ourselves or anyone else? We have to find our way out of the hole, return to ourselves, and rediscover a healing, abundant path for the mind, body, soul, and spirit. Not always easy.

They say that scar tissue is tougher than the original tissue. Sometimes that’s the only hope there is.

I don’t have the answers. Nobody outside of you does. But you do. And from outside of you—loved ones, your spiritual practice, inspiration—can come support, the fresh air of clarity, and a renewal of strength, so that you can, in the quiet, find exactly what you need.

I read recently that courage is not the absence of fear; it is the capacity

“How do we navigate the various lifealtering losses that are a part of life, and emerge not bitter, but better?” to act despite fear.

After some dust has settled, and once their internal resources have begun to re-fill, my friends will be OK. A door closes and a window opens… without winter how would we know spring…and all that. Keith will find another job. Craig will once again regain his mobility. Sarah’s life, after parting ways, will continue.

With inspiration. With persistence.

With faith.

Until next week: “Unexpected grace may provide beauty and healing during strenuous moments of truth.”

— Rob Brezsny Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga, and is the author of “Empowering the Tribe” and “The Power of a Partner.”

www.chattanoogapulse.com 5.7.09 The Pulse

15

Arts&Entertainment

by Hellcat

Crashing Through Pain I

know what you are thinking: Why is Hellcat in the Arts & Entertainment section of this issue? Is she going to attack theater kids now? The answer is: No. I was so impressed by this story that I couldn’t resist delving deeper.

Let me start by saying that I might just have a new hero—and his name is Trent Creswell. His all-too-recent past is filled with horrific occurrences that I hesitate to call accidental. The types of experiences that would typically paralyze a person with bitterness, hatred, and self-pity are those from which Trent has drawn inspiration.

Last June, Trent was riding his bike down North Dallas when he was hit head-on by a truck that had to cross over a lane and jump the curb to smash him. (The driver had his license taken away. Poor guy, I’m sure he learned his lesson in big bad traffic court.)

“My entire body was broken from head to toe. I was in a coma for three-and-a-half weeks and in the hospital for three months. I really shouldn’t be alive. When I came out of the coma, my best friend of 10 years and the girl I had been seeing were together,” Trent told me.

What?! You were annihilated by a head-on collision that ripped your face off, literally, (now rebuilt with steel mesh), and there is enough metal in your body to pass the first round of “Transformer” auditions, plus the people closest to you decided to date while you were in a coma? Wow, thanks, guys. Who needs enemies?

“Everything that was a physical constant has changed, and on top of that you get the emotional and psychological assault of intense betrayal.”

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Imagine if this happened to you. I would either end up in a street fight with them both, or they would have become dead to me. The level of pain one must experience living through such an ordeal is mind numbing.

I mean, you’re physically broken and scarring, trying to adapt to your altered skeleton via extensive physical therapy. Everything that was a physical constant has changed, and on top of that you get the emotional and psychological assault of intense betrayal. What would you do? I’d be willing to bet that most of you reading this, wouldn’t list “be the bigger person” as your first choice, if that even came to mind. This is a situation so intense; it would try Job. Enter, Trent Creswell.

Trent decided to write about it.

He wrote about his experience with such a brutal honesty that it shocked readers, the way only truth can. He won the National Foundation for Advancement in the Arts Award for Non-Fiction, for his efforts, but this wasn’t quite enough for Trent. If you know his work, then you are familiar with the success of his previous play, The Package, and it makes sense that Trent would make an adaptation for the stage.

What is mind blowing is how he did it. He has constructed a play, The Death and After Life of Dr. Crash/ Friendly, so truthful that it even includes the perspectives and insights from the actual players, his former best friend and his love interest. He didn’t want it to be one-sided and self serving, he wanted to see if this play could serve as therapy for the literal crash and the crash in their relationships, and bring the audience along with them. He cared so much for those involved, he thought that this would be the best way to heal for everyone.

“I will say it has been painful but worth it as far as the product,” he says. “It is definitely an epic journey.

We want the audience to feel exactly what we are going through. We aren’t playing characters; we are only sharing our truth, so we are the only people in the world who can do this show. It goes against all our training, the violence isn’t faked, and we aren’t acting. It’s the most alternative theater around. It’s ballsy.”

Kudos, Trent. It is amazing to me, in a society where everyone plays the victim card that someone so young can spin around the most tragic truth I’ve ever heard, and make it into art, therapy, and a benefit. Once the play runs, and closure has been achieved, it will have served its purpose. Now is your only chance to bear witness.

All proceeds of the show go to The Craniofacial Foundation, which saved and reconstructed his face. I asked if it was hard dealing with all the physical scarring and he smiled.

“Now, I look like the kind of theater I want to make.”

To which I say, “Badass.”

The Death and After Life of Dr. Crash/Friendly $5, 7:30 p.m.

May 11, 12, 13 Chattanooga High School for Creative Arts, Sandra Black Theatre, 1301 Dallas Road (old City High off N. Market Street).

A&ECalendar

Send your calendar events to us at calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

Friday

Thursday Book Signing with Todd Bottorff, author of 21 Things to Create a Better Life 6 p.m. Rock Point Books, 401 Broad St. (423) 756-2855. www.rockpointbooks.com

“Moving Gender” From cross-dressing in ’50s movies to gender stereotypes in films, explore the way Hollywood has influenced gender ideals and anxieties.

Free.

6 p.m.

Hunter Museum, 10 Bluff View.

(423) 267-9844. www.huntermuseum.org

Del Shores: Benefit for Chattanooga Cares 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Circle Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com Chattanooga’s Funniest Human II Contest: Semi-Finals 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com “AVA Member Salon Show” AVA Gallery, 30 Frazier Ave. (423) 265-4282.

“And the Iron Did Swim,” photography by Mary Barnett 5:30 p.m. Tanner Hill Gallery, 3069 S. Broad St., Suite 3.

(423) 280-7182.

Ocoee Middle School Trash Can Band and Storyteller Andy Offutt Irwin Here’s your chance for percussion and discussion at Rhythm & Noon.

Free.

Noon Miller Plaza, 850 Market Street.

(423) 265-0771. www.downtownchattanooga.org

Saturday

“Steelllaa!” Tennessee Williams’ most famous play comes to the CTC. $10-$20 8 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Main Stage, 400 River Street.

(423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com

Monday The Death and After Life of Dr. Crash/Friendly (see arts feature) 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga High School for Creative Arts, Sandra Black Theatre, 1301 Dallas Road (off N. Market Street).

“All That Jazz” River Gallery, 400 E. Second St. (423) 265-5033. www.river-gallery.com Coyee Langston’s “Inner Light” In-Town Gallery, 26A Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9214.

“The Untold Story of the Great Black Jockeys” Chattanooga African-American Museum, 200 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-8658. www.intowngallery.com

“New Work by Lorraine Christie and Bruno Zapan” 6 p.m. Gallery 1401, 1401 Williams St. (423) 265-0015.

Chattanooga Girls Choir presents: “A Tapestry of Songs” 7 p.m. First Baptist Church, 401 Gateway Ave. (423) 629-6188.

The Big Friendly Giant 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Circle Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534.

Chattanooga’s Funniest Human 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233.

Too Soon for Daisies 8 p.m. First Centenary United Methodist Church, 419 McCallie Ave. (423) 756-2428.

A Streetcar Named Desire 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534.

Sunday TaleSpin Festival: Storytelling for All Ages Noon. Miller Plaza’s Waterhouse Pavillion, 850 Market St. (423) 265-0771. www.downtownchattanooga.org

A Streetcar Named Desire

TaleSpin Festival: Storytelling for All Ages 6 p.m. Miller Plaza’s Waterhouse Pavillion, 850 Market St. (423) 265-0771. www.downtownchattanooga.org

Poetry Open Mic Night 7:30 p.m. Barnes & Noble, 2100 Hamilton Place Blvd.

(423) 893-0186.

Open House for “Connect” 10 a.m. Shruptrine Fine Art & Framing, 2646 Broad St. (423) 266-4453. www.shuptrinefineart.com

CSO presents: 75th Anniversary Diamond Jubilee Gala - Music of the Night 6 p.m. Chattanooga Convention Center, (423) 267-8583.

Chattanooga Market: Mother’s Day Toast 11 a.m. First Tennessee Pavillion, 1826 Carter St. www.chattanoogamarket.com

The Last Flapper 7:30 p.m. StoneFort Inn, 120 E. 10th St. (423) 267-7866.

The Big Friendly Giant 2:30 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Circle Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com

Passion Flower 8 p.m. Barking Legs Theatre, 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347.

Ballet Tennessee: Spring Festival of Dance Recital 2 & 7 p.m. UTC Fine Arts Center, 614 McCallie Ave. (423) 425-4269.

Too Soon for Daisies 8 p.m. First Centenary United Methodist Church, 419 McCallie Ave. (423) 756-2428.

The Big Friendly Giant 2:30 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Circle Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534.

Chattanooga’s Funniest Human II Contest: Finals 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233.

Tuesday

Wednesday

The Death and After Life of Dr. Crash/Friendly 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga High School for Creative Arts, Sandra Black Theatre, 1301 Dallas Rd. “Senior Thesis Exhibition II” Cress Gallery, UTC Fine Arts Center, 615 McCallie Ave. (423) 304-9789.

“Concrete/Prayers” Jewish Cultural Center, 5461 North Terrace. (423) 493-0270.

CSO Pops presents “Big Band Fever Two!” Get Mom in the Swing with the CSO. $15 2:30 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad Street.

(423) 267-8583. www.chattanoogasymphony.org

“Contemporary Landscapes of the Southeast” Bill Shores Frames & Gallery, 307 Manufacturers Rd., Suite 117. (423) 756-6746.

“A Barage of Butterflies” Houston Museum of Decorative Arts, 201 High St. (423) 267-7176. www.thehoustonmuseum.com

Editor’s Pick: Featured Event Of The Week

Poetry Night 7 p.m. CreateHere, 33 E. Main St., Suite 105. (423) 648-2195. www.createhere.org Second Annual Chattanooga Jewish Film Series: Noodle 7:30 p.m. Jewish Cultural Center, 5461 North Terrace.

(423) 493-0270. www.jcfgc.com

Passion Flower

“Connect” Shuptrine Fine Art & Framing, 2646 Broad St. (423) 266-4453.

The Death and After Life of Dr. Crash/Friendly 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga High School for Creative Arts, Sandra Black Theatre, 1301 Dallas Road (off N. Market Street).

If you didn’t get a chance to see Ann Law’s one-woman dance piece based on her recovery from breast cancer, you should definitely take advantage of the reprise. This year, the piece will be accompanied by a short film featuring four woman, including Law, discussing their journeys through breast cancer. A potion of the proceeds will be donated to Breast Cancer Network of Strength.

“Comfort & Joy” North River Civic Center, 1009 Executive Dr., Suite 102.

(423) 870-8924.

Bob Dombrowski’s sculpture Linda Woodall Fine Arts, 7836 Ooltewah-Georgetown Rd. (423) 238-9985.

Saturday, May 9 $15, 8 p.m.

Barking Legs Theatre, 1307 Dodds Avenue.

(423) 624-5347. www.barkinglegs.org

www.chattanoogapulse.com 5.7.09 The Pulse

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The Pulse 5.7.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com

OnTheBeat

by Alex Teach

The Reader Questions Column: Volume One O

ver the last several months here at The Pulse, I’ve received several questions from curious readers and I’ve decided to dedicate a few columns to answering the most frequent of such from time to time.

While Q&A’s may be commonplace in the periodical world, I consider this is a rare treat for me personally since often when I’m answering questions it is done in person, and I have to deal with the inconvenience of replies and retorts.

These range from “I’ll sue you and kill your children, you bastard!” to the ever-popular “OH GOD PLEASE STOP IT HURTS IT HURTS” and other, subtle variations of the same.

But truth be known…I (and most cops I know) would really just appreciate a little respectful silence so we can rush to the next perceived emergency. Now, not only can I address a few common queries through a one-way venue, I don’t have to do so while desperately trying to just finish eating a goddamn sandwich in solitude OR feigning profound interest. That said, like the prostitute said to the John: “Let’s get to the meat of the thing.”

Q: “Are you crazy, or something?”

A: Let’s just get this one right out of the way. Quite simply? “No.” While its frequency in being asked is disconcerting, as a reasonable person, I am not shocked by this question, what with my mention of a few weird dreams and my behavior from time to time. Not only am I not crazy, I would go so far as to say I can prove unequivocally how sane I am more readily than any ten people you could name, dear Reader.

“How can this be?” you ask?

Because I have papers that prove it. Do you? Think about it. By and large you simply have to take most people at their word that they are sane; my case, I have it documented.

I have been psychologically screened more times than a Catholic priest at a Boys Summer Camp for Sexual Disorders, and I have passed them

without fail. Each and every time I have participated in an event that would make you want to shred your face into thin strips and grill them with scallions (and perhaps some crushed garlic and Emeril’s Essence… the man is a genius!), I have spoken to degreed professionals who said I was fine to return to work after batteries of written, individual, and group counseling.

As a matter of fact, I carry those papers either just inside my uniform shirt or just above my car’s sun visor to provide evidence of such when confronted, and have gone from throwing up on the side of a road alone behind a business after leaving a friend’s body inside twisted wreckage to actually looking forward to hanging out with “the guys” at the after-action reports. I am absolutely, positively, NOT “crazy”…I just see a lot of weird stuff. Relax.

Q: “Have you ever shot somebody?”

A: Of course I have; don’t be stupid.

Q: “Do you really get free gas?”

A: This is by far the most amusing of the Frequently Asked Questions I get. It would never have occurred to me to ask a cop this question were I not one of the jackbooted conspiracy agents myself, but then, I have spent so many years pumping gas into a patrol car from government pumps I suppose the idea had no reason to form. In a sense, “Yes”, I do get free gas, but technically as a taxpayer, I already paid for the gas I am putting into the car I paid for in order to do the job I pay myself to do. So come to think of it, “No”. I don’t.

Q: “How is it a pretty girl can get out of a ticket by crying?”

A: This is one of the greatest misconceptions in patrol work. Not only do I write girls tickets, the prettier and the harder they cry, the more of them I write. Does this make me rude? Absolutely not. In fact, I make a practice of telling them I will wait at the rear of the car until they stop, but I will still need them to sign

down here at the bottom (not being an admission of guilt, of course) when they’re done. As a result, I found that the tears instantly stop, their faces wrinkle into an angry and disgusted frown, and they call me a bastard… indicating they really weren’t as upset as they let on! Treachery, treachery, treachery. One even said, “But I’m cute!”

Apparently the ploy works for some, but for the life of me I’m not sure why. Do they presume that by my granting them leniency, later down the road they will seek me out to show me their gratitude by seducing me or at least producing their trafficviolating breasts? That I’ll risk my job and relationship over a traffic ticket?

No—in fact, I consider it my duty to be even less discretionary in those situations because these misguided women can’t expect to get by their whole life on looks that will, in time, inevitably fail them.

Not only am I helping save lives by reducing traffic offenses, I am giving them real-life survival skills prior to the ravages of time and cosmetic surgery, and I have to be honest…it’s that kind of moral resolve that gives me the ability to cite a girl whose clearly displayed breast implants cost more than the resale value of the car I drive. Besides, any remaining capacity for compassion I possess is reserved for children and the elderly, not the high-maintenance chick in a hurry to get back to making some poor bastard’s life a living hell.

While these are perfect illustrations of the many ways of helping people you’d never appreciate without doing the job (the last in particular), four questions hardly seems adequate, but it’s a start and there is always next issue. Keep the Letters to the Editor coming, folks, and ladies? Save your tears. They won’t get you out of a ticket by Officer Teach, but he will gladly mix them with some chilled vodka and a wedge of lime.

“I have to be honest…it’s that kind of moral resolve that gives me the ability to cite a girl whose clearly displayed breast implants cost more than the resale value of the car I drive. ”

Alexander D. Teach is an occasional student of the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga and a graduate of Central High. In his spare time he enjoys carpentry, auto mechanic work, boating, and working for the Boehm Birth Defects Center.

www.chattanoogapulse.com 5.7.09 The Pulse

19

Film Feature

by Damien Power

To Boldly Go—Again “S

pace, the final frontier,” sends a chill down my spine to this day. I’m far too young to have watched The Original Series on its first run, but my nerdy little life was shaped by Star Trek: The Next Generation. Just because I was late to the party doesn’t mean I couldn’t have a little fun.

I play trombone because Will Ryker played trombone, I value logic over emotion thanks to Mr. Spock, and like most male Trekkies, I want to score with a green chick someday, thanks to Captain James Tiberius Kirk.

So after watching my childhood years of TV-watching being raped and pillaged to feed the ever-hungry maw of Hollywood, I slowly begin to dread the next remake or “reimagining”. There’s going to be a G.I. Joe movie this year, you know…and you saw what Michael Bay did to Transformers. This is an easy line of thought, and a popular one at that, but many of us forget two fantastic exceptions to the rule: Martin Campbell’s Casino Royale (with Daniel Craig as James Bond) and Christopher Nolan’s Batman Begins.

What separates those two movies from the other trash is the director.

Directors who respect the canon, without sacrificing their vision, have within them the ability to create something beautiful. In the case of Star Trek, you’ve got a movie that is helmed by J.J. Abrams (Lost), that was given extra time to get it right.

“The other thing that will be missing from this reboot is the occasional heavy-handed social commentary.

Sure, there are references, but times have changed.”

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The Pulse 5.7.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com

So, will Trekkies be pleased with the casting choices/art direction/crew shirt color decisions made in the new Star Trek? Hell, no.

Christopher Pine is no William Shatner, only Shat is Shat, and we should all be happy to have enjoyed his particular acting style. On the other hand, I fully expect Zachary Quinto’s performance to meet with the logical acceptance of Spock-lovers around the globe. Furthermore, Karl Urban has the paradoxical light-hearted gravitas to pull off Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy. On the flip side of the coin, the plot is a bit on the nose. Anyone who watches Lost or used to watch Alias knows that Abrams no stranger to the convoluted storyline, and keeps a chest full of deus ex machinas to explain his way out of most things. In fact, the biggest contrivance will be the one he pulls out just to explain away pre-existing Star Trek canon.

Wondering why Leonard Nimoy is in one of those trailers? Yeah, he’s from the future. Or perhaps a different future. Watch Back to the Future 2 and get back to me. Not that I will begrudge Abrams this tactic, as it provides him with the blank check he needs to tell his story.

Which comes to the best part: the

reason to see the movie. We all know and love our immortal Enterprise crew, but Star Trek is also known for some awesome antagonists. Ricardo Montalban’s Khan will still preside at the top of that list, but Eric Bana finally shows that he’s got the cojones for the job (lo siento, Sr. Arellano, yo estoy un gabacho). He’s got the talent to be great, but so far only Wolfgang Peterson’s Troy has given him an opportunity to shine.

The other thing that will be missing from this reboot is the occasional heavy-handed social commentary. Sure, there are references, but times have changed. Trying to rehash, “Look, it’s a white guy kissing a black girl,” again just doesn’t have any impact. Instead, look for more traditional storyline motivators. Like revenge. That’s a good one…worked for Hamlet, right?

At the end of the day, this Star Trek is worth a viewing, on the big screen, in a theater. It’ll never be confused as a work of independent filmmaking, but it will be thoroughly entertaining.

Star Trek Directed by J.J. Abrams Starring Chris Pike, Zachary Quinto, Leonard Nimoy, Eric Bana Rated PG-13 Running time: 2 hours, six minutes

LifeInTheNoog

by Chuck Crowder

Bi-cycle, bi-cycle, bi-cycle!

N

ow that the weather is finally above freezing, it’s time for me to get out the old bicycle and get a little exercise. And it seems that a lot of other people are doing the same. But these days, you’ve really got to be careful out there.

In fact, it seems that even a “threefoot law,” which requires motorists to provide a buffer zone when passing a cyclist (as if that needs to be an enforceable law), isn’t enough to shield pedalers from potential harm.

In addition to someone being killed on Ashland Terrace a few weeks ago, I’ve heard of a few more brushes, or nearbrushes, with motor vehicles on our city’s streets. And that’s just sad.

How can someone in a 1,000-pound car even think about driving past an unprotected cyclist and not give them enough room?

Generally I would assume it’s someone whose feet haven’t seen the pedals since they were a kid.

Back then, riding bikes was pretty much the coolest thing you could do with your time. That’s because riding bikes was the great equalizer. Every kid had a bike and no one could ride one any better than anyone else. Plus, it was just plain fun. It didn’t matter what you were doing—if someone suggested, “Hey, you wanna go ride bikes?” you immediately dropped everything you were doing and took off. You didn’t worry about getting hit by a car—and you certainly didn’t bother wearing a helmet.

I don’t think they even made bike helmets back then. And if they did,

wearing one would mean certain, irreparable ridicule for the rest of your natural life. In fact, if some kid in my neighborhood back then had been required to wear a helmet when riding a bike I’m sure I would still be telling that story. It was just that weird.

So what happened? Why now all of a sudden do we have to wear helmets and enforce three-foot laws just to keep from being killed on a bike? Maybe it’s because most people don’t remember the sheer thrill, or realize the potential danger, of riding a bike on the street. They grew up, got married, moved to Ooltewah and only come downtown for work, and Riverbend. They drive their big Ford truck or SUV with one knee while talking on their cell phone and polishing off a Big Mac. You know the kind. They’re the people who always ask, “Now, where do you park around here?” Their lives revolve around big-box retailers and big expansive parking lots. But the one aisle at Wal-Mart they’ve never darkened is the bicycle aisle. So they’ve forgotten all about what it’s like to be on one.

This means that, unfortunately, the cyclist is left with “defensive driving” responsibilities. I know from experience what it’s like to almost get blown off a bike by a passing car or honked at for insisting on three feet.

That’s why I choose sidewalks and side streets as much as I can (’cause I still won’t wear a helmet).

But I also know what it’s like to be a motorist trying to do the right thing around my cycling neighbors. And sometimes that’s just as frustrating.

I actually got pulled over by a bicycle cop one time for moving too

far out of the lane when passing him.

Seems I crossed the yellow median line. So which is it? Give him enough room and cross the yellow line or blow past and take him out with my rear view mirror? I didn’t see the infraction, but hey, laws are laws— even if they contradict each other.

Regardless of the obstacles, my friends, it’s my opinion that everyone should take time out of their busy schedule for a bike ride. It’s still as much fun as it was back when you were a kid, as environmentally “green” as it gets, and great exercise.

And when you’re in the car and see someone doing it, be a good neighbor and give them enough room when passing. I’d hate for you to end up facing vehicular homicide charges just to reach the next red light a little faster.

Pop a wheelie!

Chuck Crowder is a local writer and general man about town. His opinions are just that. Everything expressed is loosely based on fact, and crap he hears people talking about. Take what you just read with a grain of salt, but pepper it in your thoughts. And be sure to check out his wildly popular website www.thenoog.com

“It’s my opinion that everyone should take time out of their busy schedule for a bike ride.

It’s still as much fun as it was back when you were a kid.”

www.chattanoogapulse.com 5.7.09 The Pulse

21

ShadesOfGreen

by Elizabeth Crenshaw

Are Carbon Offsets A Cop-Out? M

y introduction to carbon offsets came in the form of a Christmas present to my parents. My uncle bought my father a Terrapass for his sturdy old Volvo wagon. “This car’s C02 offset by Terrapass,” it read, plastered to the bumper.

As the idea of mandatory cap-andtrade is argued on Capitol Hill, many people remain unaware of the current voluntary carbon market. There are offset solutions for almost anything that emits CO2; however, not all offset products can be trusted.

The carbon offset industry saw a surge of growth from 2005 to 2007, but as the economy grew more unstable, people began to worry less about their carbon footprint and more about keeping their jobs and paying their bills.

But not all the news is bad for the carbon market. After the 2008 presidential election, carbon offset sales rose significantly, helping the worldwide market end the year with $118 billion dollars worth of emissions transactions. According to SBI analysts, the worldwide carbon market is expected to grow 68 percent annually until 2013 to $669 billion dollars. This calculation assumes that the United States will adopt a federal cap-and-trade program, so this level of success is dependent on American action.

In the 1990s, there were no concrete standards to guide the research process. One had to do a lot of digging. Today, consumers have “green-e certification” to issue a stamp of approval, making the buying of offsets more comfortable.

Green-e certification is a stamp of approval from the Center for Resource Solutions, a nonprofit organization that makes sure that offset customers get what they pay for. Specifically, they ensure that companies do not over-sell their renewable generation capacity, and that sellers disclose more information about their offset projects. It keeps the sellers who choose this third-party certification honest.

Buying offsets is easy. Most offset companies have the same process online. You choose what you’d like to set off–the emissions from your car,

22

your air travel, your home’s electricity usage or even specific appliances.

You plug in your miles traveled or kWh used, and the site generates an offset solution for you. The whole transaction takes less than 10 minutes.

Many businesses and institutions advertise that they are “carbon neutral”. Most of these claims are backed up not by massive investments in on-site renewable generation, but by massive quantities of carbon offsets.

My college went carbon neutral my senior year. We had an array of solar panels, but it was not enough to supply all the school’s power needs.

So, the rest of the college’s usage was offset. The decision was expensive, but most everyone supported the measure—even if we couldn’t get completely off traditional power, we could support emerging sustainable technology. So, the school bought enough wind power to cancel out the carbon emissions the institution was responsible for.

Many people have criticized carbon offsets as being little more than a penance made by lazy environmentalists who are not willing to appropriately change their lifestyle.

But, try as we might, very few of us can lead a truly zero carbon life style.

Modern life has certain demands that require a ride in a car, power for a computer and a trip in an airplane. A voluntary offset market has its place: It prepares consumers for a system in which pollution has real costs, and natural resources are given additional and concrete value.

Culturally, we are all dependent on convenience. The root of our addiction to dirty fuel is ease of use: The infrastructure is already set up, and the system works well in that consumers get what they need without having to put in much effort. You flip a switch. You pull a lever. You swipe your credit card. Only the most prudent among us track our individual miles and kWh. So, offsets present themselves as being very agreeable to the American lifestyle. Just plug in your usage, enter your credit card number, and hit submit. That’s it.

The convenience also draws some criticism, as some people think it’s misleading to call something or someone carbon neutral when behavior has not been completely changed. Some reporters have

The Pulse 5.7.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com

written that we cannot ignore that when polluting in one place, planting trees or building clean electric generation somewhere else doesn’t fix the problem. Others have said that whether or not these projects really mitigate climate change is difficult to prove. These dissenting opinions should not be discarded. It’s important to recognize these shortcomings when building the future of green business.

Leaders in several respected institutions endorse carbon offsets.

The USGBC’s LEED standards incorporate offsets into its credits system. The EPA offers advice on how to choose offsets, and even the Harvard Business Review sees strategic value in offset early adoption. But offsets are not a longterm, silver-bullet solution.

The scientific community has told us that in order to mitigate climate change, we must slash emissions 80 percent below 1990 levels by 2050.

We will not be able reach this goal through voluntary carbon offsets alone.

Put simply, we cannot fool ourselves into thinking that buying an offset washes our hands of any other responsibility. However, offsets can help in ushering in the emergence of the real goal: a viable, self-sustaining eco-economy that won’t need donations to succeed. The transition will be tricky to plan, and not without some difficult changes. But in time, it will just be the way we do business.

“Put simply, we cannot fool ourselves into thinking that buying an [carbon] offset washes our hands of any other responsibility.”

Elizabeth Crenshaw is LEED accredited and works for EPB in Strategic Planning.

Originally from South Carolina, Elizabeth moved to Chattanooga after graduating from Warren Wilson College in 2007.

www.chattanoogapulse.com 5.7.09 The Pulse

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The Pulse 5.7.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com

MusicFeature

by Stephanie Smith

Spanking Good Music “Baby, I miss you while I’m strapped down in my bed…”

— from “Asylum Street Blues.”

A

ppropriate lyrics for a band that chose its name from an Austin road nicknamed Asylum Street because it led to a local asylum and the term “spanker,” meaning “a musician who plays his instrument vigorously and proficiently.”

And if the name doesn’t reel you in, one visit to YouTube will set the hook.

“We’re punk-rock vaudeville,” says bandleader Wammo. “A post-modern jugband. An all-original band that plays music that’s based on Hokum Jazz (pre-WWII jazz), early acoustic blues, and early country. We don’t pigeon-hole ourselves into one particular genre.”

You can say that again. After 15 years together and more than 50 musicians passing through the act, the Asylum Street Spankers remain an extremely talented group of singersongwriter-musician-actors that defy comparison to any other band. Irreverent, talented, and funny, with freakshow lyrics underscored with brilliant defiantly acoustic accompaniment, the Spankers boast over 900,000 hits on their anti-war song “Stick Magnetic Ribbons on Your SUV,” while their quirky rendition of “The Pussycat Song” on the Bob & Tom Worldwide Radio Network has hit the 1 million mark and counting.

The YouTube video clips and the videos of live performances on the band’s web site are key to knowing what to expect when you show up at

“Irreverent, talented, and funny, with freakshow lyrics underscored with brilliant, defiantly acoustic accompaniment.”

a live Spankers performance. With costumes, characters, and old-timey set pieces complete with ad sales (similar to a set on Hee Haw or The Grand Ole Opry), the audience is welcomed into the Spankers’ world, not your average concert or nightclub act.

“We put on an actual show for people to watch and listen to,” says Wammo. “We’re not just shoe-gazers and that’s rare in this day and age.”

Wammo and lead singer Christina Marrs met back in 1994 at a wild party at the Dabbs Hotel in Llano, Texas.

During a night of singing and playing music, they discovered they both loved early 20th-century Americana music.

When they went back to Austin, they got a group together and began playing the local clubs, encountering smashing success.

And with each new musician joining the group, new material and original characters are born. When musician Korey Simeone joined, he was given two weeks to write a song on the power of illicit substances. The end result: an entertaining little jaunt entitled “Gettin’ High,” performed complete with top-hat, tails, and a killer harmonica solo.

“We don’t plan it,” says Wammo.

“Everybody just comes to the table.

Sometimes we have to help them to develop a character, but everything just happens naturally.”

Now, 15 years later, the band has moved from being a country/blues/ragtime staple to producing original compositions completely staged with sociopolitical commentary. The Hollywood

Reporter has praised the Spankers’ “intricate musical arrangements, tight harmonies and utterly likeable performers,” while The New York Times called them “mischievously unorthodox in every way!”

The Asylum Street Spankers tour regularly throughout Europe, Japan, and the United States and are widely considered to be one of the best live working acts today. Their current tour is underway.

“It’s called the Sausagefest because Christina is on maternity leave so it’s just the boys—boys behaving badly,” laughs Wammo.

The Spankers started recording almost from the beginning. Their discography now includes ten albums and many bootleg EPs from their live shows, all of which can be purchased on their website asylumstreetspankers. com. The Spankers also have a 2-disc live CD of their two-week stage show at New York’s Barrow Street Theatre entitled “What? Give Up Show Biz?” intended for mature audiences.

On Tuesday, the Spankers bring their own unique brand of musical madness to Rhythm & Brews. Be there for the act that Rolling Stone called “Inspired, lunatic brilliance!”

Asylum Street Spankers $10 8 p.m.

Tuesday, May 12 Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market Street.

(423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com

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MusicCalendar Friday

Thursday

The Pack A.D. This Canadian female duo definitively proves that girls got soul, too. $5 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

Send your calendar events to us at calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

Tim Lewis 6:30 p.m. Rumors, 3884 Hixson Pk. (423) 870-3003.

Rhythm & Noon Concert Series: Noon. Miller Plaza, 850 Market St. (423) 462-0771.

Liferuiner, The World We Knew, Every Word a Prophecy, Bruteforce, Feral Monolith 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd, East Ridge. www.myspace.com/warehousetn

Your Best Friend, Dead End Stanley, Half Price Hero, Saving Ashley, Autumn Gate 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd, East Ridge.

Wayne Hightower 7:30 p.m. Fireside Grill, 3018 Cummings Hwy. (423) 821-9898.

Land Camera

A solid sound with a bit of random feedback for good measure. Recent players at Lon Eldridge 8 p.m. The Mudpie, 12 Frazier Ave. the 4 Bridges Art Festival and the 4/20 festival, they now (423) 267-9043. enjoy some tavern time.

Pink Cadillac 9 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd #202. (423) 499-5055.

10 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market Street.

(423) 634-0260. myspace.com/marketstreettavern

Saturday

Roger Alan Wade Set to grace the Bonnaroo and Riverbend stages respectively, Wade pops by the Tavern for a few shenanigans.

No cover.

9 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market Street.

(423) 634-0260. myspace.com/marketstreettavern

Monday The Palms at Hamilton 6925 Shallowford Road, Suite #202.

(423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com Fireside Lounge 4021 Hixson Pike, (423) 870-7078.

Lucky’s 2536 Cummings Highway, (423) 825-5145.

Tremont Tavern 1203 Hixson Pike, (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.com Blue Orleans Creole Restaurant 3208 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 629-6538. blueorleanscreolerestaurant.com

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Dave Pope 8 p.m. The Foundry @ The Chattanoogan, 1201 S. Broad St. (423) 424-3775. www.chattanooganhotel.com The Howlies, Giant Tigers, The Selmanaires 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400.

Booker Scruggs Ensemble 7 p.m. Blue Orleans Creole Restaurant, 3208 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 629-6538.

The Breakfast Club 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644.

Milquelizard, Vampirates, Stoneline, Whores for War 8 p.m. Ziggy’s Hideaway, 607 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 634-1074.

C.J. Garsee 10 p.m. T-Bone’s, 1419 Chestnut St. (423) 266-4240. www.tboneschattanooga.com

Shannon Whitworth Band 8 p.m. Barking Legs Theatre, 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347.

BaaddMojo 10 p.m. The Riverhouse, 224 Frazier Ave.

Sunday Tim Lewis 6 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd #202.

(423) 499-5055.

Open Mic hosted by Shaunessey Cargile 9 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9043.

Chattanooga Market: 11 a.m. First Tennessee Pavillion, 1826 Carter St. www.chattanoogamarket.com

Bboy Jam 7:30 p.m. Club Fathom, 412 Market St. (423) 757-0019.

Up With The Joneses, Lambhandler, The Tammys 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400.

Open Jam w/ Jeff Daniels 4 p.m. Ms. Debbie’s Nightlife Lounge, 4762 Hwy 58.

(423) 485-0966.

Dead Flesh, Apocalyptic Visions, Infensus Inferi 8 p.m. Ziggy’s Hideaway, 607 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 634-1074.

RaBiDeArS 10 p.m. Midtown Music Hall, 818 Georgia Ave. (423) 752-1977.

Irish Music 6:30 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996

Chuck McCabe 8 p.m. Charles & Myrtle’s Coffeehouse, 105 McBrien Rd. (423) 892-3109.

The Dynamites w/ The Distribution 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644.

You’ve got one rocking, wild eclectic show.

Dave Pope 8 p.m. The Foundry @ The Chattanoogan, 1201 S. Broad St. (423) 424-3775.

DJ Spicolli Raw Sushi Bar Restaurant & Nightclub, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919.

$5 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

Tuesday

Wednesday

The Ben Friberg Trio 7 p.m. Table 2, 232 E. 11th St. (423) 756-8253.

Ben Friberg Jazz Trio 6:30 p.m. Market Street Tavern.

850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. myspace.com/marketstreettavern

Asylum Street Spankers 9 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com Gander Mtn String Band, Slim Pickins, Grassy Blue 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

Tartufi, Princess Thunderstorm, Mocking Birds, and Electric Damn

Open Mic Gene’s Bar & Grill, 724 Ashland Ter. (423) 870-0880.

Heartcake Party, The Seas Aflame, On Paradise Boulevard 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd, East Ridge. www.myspace.com/warehousetn

Editor’s Pick: Featured Event Of The Week

Poetry/Song/Art Open Mic 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd., East Ridge.

Chris Wade and Smiley Accoustic Show 8 p.m. Ziggy’s Hideaway, 607 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 634-1074.

RaBiDeArS CD release party with Downstream

Spoken Word/Poetry Night The Riverhouse, 224 Frazier Ave. (423) 752-0066.

Tim Lewis 8 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd #202.

(423) 499-5055.

When powerpop and grunge get too close, the result is the synth juicy sound of RaBiDeArS. The first 50 in get a free copy of the RaBiDeArS debut CD The New Shaboom. The crew from Downstream are also on board to shake the whole of Georgia Avenue.

Open Mic Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.com

Open Mic featuring The Woes 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

Saurday, May 9 $7, 8 p.m. Midtown Music Hall, 818 Georgia Ave. (423) 752-1977 www.midtownmusichall.com

The Pulse 5.7.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com

New Music Reviews

By Ernie Paik

Mazes

Borbetomagus

Mazes (Parasol)

Borbetomagus à Go-Go (Agaric)

The Chicago group Mazes features lead singer and songwriter Edward Anderson and vocalist/keyboard player Caroline Donovan, who are both also in the eclectic seven-piece pop outfit the 1900s.

With collaborator Charles D’Autremont and other guests, they create charming tunes that are not far off from what the 1900s are doing, with measured, smart, and memorable arrangements. However, with Mazes, the sound is tighter and more economical—though not sparse—with no sound wasted, and the rock edges are filed down a bit, typically through less prominent drums (the upbeat “Love to Lay” being one exception).

The recordings are intimate and frank—not really low fidelity, although the band has no problem with leaving some of the surrounding sounds in the mix; one example on the band’s debut album is the opener “Manual Systems,” which begins with faint bird chirps in the background and footsteps, before a banjo and piano enter the picture, suggesting a idyllic front porch setup with the front window open to let the piano sounds out.

Like with the 1900s, there’s a sense of nostalgia with Mazes, and this comes through on the following track, “Cat State Comity”; with its gentle, yet persistent harpsichord and tasteful drumming, it’s reminiscent of the ’60s band the Left Banke, and its keyboard parts and acoustic guitar strums give it a sort of Belle-and-Sebastian-esque ensemble quality. Certain songs have a tinge of country influences, heard most significantly through electric guitar lines on tracks like “Face Down on Forest Roads,” and there’s an off-center take on mountain folk on “I Have Laid in the Darkness of Doubt” with mandolin strums and a high-pitched drone lingering right below the surface.

Anderson has a comforting, friendly, and inviting voice which blends nicely with Donovan’s, like on the harmonies of “Things I Threw in the Well,” and it’s a voice that holds up even when exposed, like on the Field Mice-ish closing track “Song for Luke,” with violin flourishes and a mirrored guitar/ bass melody. Mazes never sounds overdone—it’s an easy-going album with easy pop pleasures and a remarkable consistency of quality.

Saxophonists such as Albert Ayler, Evan Parker, and Peter Brötzmann pushed the limits of jazz with their aggressive, formidable playing styles, earning spots in the free jazz pantheon.

Then, for those who want something more radical than free jazz, there’s Borbetomagus.

The trio, now in its third decade, is comprised of sax players Jim Sauter and Don Dietrich with guitarist Donald Miller, and what they do goes into another category beyond jazz or free jazz and is more akin to noise music.

Borbetomagus is a “love it or hate it” kind of band that’s not for the faint of heart; their instruments are heavily processed in real-time, and their dizzying performances are all improvised.

The group’s expanded vocabulary uses a variety of extended techniques, such as the trademark “bells together” method, where the two sax bells are placed together so that one player can feel and actually shape the sound of the other. They’re recognized in noise scenes in the U.S., Europe, and Japan, and even Sonic Youth employed Sauter and Dietrich to make some frightening sounds on their album Murray Street.

Previously unreleased, the cheekily titled album Borbetomagus à Go-Go is one of two offerings from the band so far this year; the other is an expanded reissue of the 1990 album Snuff Jazz, which features a barrage of abrasive, ear-ruining, high-frequency sounds that will likely drive your pets (and any unwitting listeners) insane. Borbetomagus à Go-Go has a different overarching style to it, with a pummeling, overwhelming wall of noise instead of the sharp, rotating sound-knives of Snuff Jazz.

Recorded live in 1998 at a concert in France, the album glows with white-hot sparks and is a complex, dense splatter of shifting sounds, from squeals to whinnies, rumbles, and pitch-shifted notes. While Borbetomagus à Go-Go is relentlessly oppressive and a bit terrifying, oddly, it’s not a gloomy album. On the contrary— there’s a sort of demented glee to it, like a grinning madman who is flattening everything in his path with a stolen tank. www.chattanoogapulse.com 5.7.09 The Pulse

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Free Will Astrology TAURUS (April 20-May 20): In recent decades, many British people with unfortunate surnames have changed them. There are now 40 percent fewer Shufflebottoms, while the numbers of Cockshotts and Smellies have also declined precipitously. Meanwhile, back in the U.S., the government has re-branded its notorious Global War on Terror, shifting to the more palatable “Overseas Contingency Operation.” I hold these examples up for your inspiration, Taurus. It’s a good time to alter any name or title you’ve outgrown, as well as any label that no longer fits or any category you’d like to leave behind.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): I’m going to quote a few pieces of advice from a piece I found on the Internet, “15 Fun Things To Do During a Big, Important Test.” I trust that this will stimulate your imagination in all the right ways as you get ready for your metaphorical version of a final exam. 1. Bring your own private cheerleaders in uniform. Have them cheer loudly whenever you answer a question. 2. Haul in a large, flamboyant idol. Set it next to you and pray to it often. 3. Bring a friend to give you a massage the entire time. Insist this person is needed because your thoughts flow properly only when your circulation is enhanced. 4. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. if the teacher asks why, say, “The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a Clapper. DUH!” CANCER (June 21-July 22): Buster Posey is an up-and-coming baseball player for the San Francisco Giants. The poetic incongruity of his name is so apt a symbol for your imminent future, I’m making him your patron saint.

According to my reading of the omens, you’ll be called on to be like a “Buster”—a macho, pushy, no-nonsense dude who gets things done—but you will also find power in being as delicate and lovely and innocent as the small flower bouquet known as a posey. Sometimes it’ll make sense to be one or the other. On other occasions, you’ll benefit from being in both modes simultaneously.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The Amazing Race is a reality TV show in which two-member teams compete for money and prizes by doing odd feats in exotic locales. One especially stupid and awesome task they performed was carrying 50-pound wheels of cheese down a slippery hill in Switzerland. Everyone started out hauling the wheels on cumbersome wooden backpacks, but hardly anyone was able to make it to the bottom without falling, breaking the backpacks, and having to manually herd the runaway cheese the rest of the way. I foresee a similar fate for you, Leo. You’ll be asked to do things that are both fun and frustrating, all in a cause that in the long run will be worthwhile.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): One of the most successful managers in baseball history was Casey Stengel. His New York Yankee teams won the world championship seven times. Before the 1953 season, when the Yankees had already won four consecutive World Series, he made the observation that “If we’re going to win the pennant, we’ve got to start thinking we’re not as smart as we think we are.” I hope some version of those words will come out of your mouth soon, Virgo. As savvy and crafty as you are, you’ll have to become even more so in order to pull off the victory that’s almost within your grasp.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): This notice appeared on a bulletin board at a local nightclub that features hip hop DJs: “Missing: my greatgrandmother’s necklace, which dropped off my neck while I was krump dancing last Saturday. It might have happened when I was doing a head spin. The necklace has three strands of pearls and a pendant engraved with ‘To Florence, 1927.’

Contact Monique.” I call this to your attention, Libra, because I think it’s possible that you’ll have an experience somewhat akin to Monique’s.

Playing exuberantly in a very modern style could result in you losing something from the old days.

Unlike Monique, though, I bet your loss will be liberating.

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The Pulse 5.7.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com

By Rob Brezsny

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): BBC reported on the growing number of “spiritual tourists” who shop around in their search for inner peace. “We are entering a world,” said one expert, “where people aren’t interested in whether something is true or not, or whether they believe it or not, but whether it works.” That would be a good prescription for you in the coming months, Scorpio. I recommend that you reject any idea or theory or practice unless it has the practical value of making you feel more at home in the world and more accepting of yourself.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I encourage you to attempt a difficult feat: For a few days, dissolve every burst of anger that rises up in you.

Squash it. Wrestle it into submission. Attack it with love bombs. If you can eradicate the fury at its source, never even letting it ripen, that would be best. But the most important thing is to use all your ingenuity to keep your hostility, irritation, and snark from reaching the surface and spilling out. And why should you try this seemingly impossible experiment? Because according to my analysis of the omens, it would bring unexpected improvements in your physical and mental health.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Did you hear about the older Korean woman who has failed her driving test 800 times? Or the American man who has filled out job applications at 25 Pizza Huts in 20 cities without being hired? Or the British artist who has completed over 5,000 paintings even though no gallery has ever shown his work? There is something about you that resembles those persistently frustrated people—or at least has resembled them up until now. Soon, I predict, the dogged efforts you’ve made will finally pay off in at least a modest success, and perhaps even more if you’ll make an effort to free your mind of its backlog of sad images.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): According to polls, more than half the population believes they are fantastic kissers. How did they get that way?

Some people say they have rehearsed extensively by smooching the backs of their own hands or rubbing their lips up against posters of celebrities.

Whether you’ve tried these techniques or have developed other strategies, Aquarius, I advise you to bone up on your skills. Not this week, but soon, you will be entering a prime romantic phase of your astrological cycle -- a time when you will have the potential to accomplish wonders and marvels with your mouth.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): How do you deal with those three periods every year when Mercury is retrograde, as it is between May 7 and 30?

I’d like you to consider the meditations of artist and activist Gabrielle Senza: “I think of Mercury retrograde as a big obnoxious Rottweiler on a chain that bares its teeth, lunging and barking as I walk by. I can choose to experience it in one of three ways: 1) as a frightening moment that catches me off guard; 2) as a humorous interlude that allows me to make fun of what I’m afraid of because I know it can’t hurt me; 3) as an opportunity to change my route, usually leading to some wonderful surprise that rewards my instinct to willingly depart from my plans and projections.”

ARIES (March 21-April 19): When they pray, Muslims face the Kaaba, a cube-shaped building in Mecca, Saudi Arabia. Every mosque around the world typically has a niche that shows the precise direction of that holy place. Recently, however, worshipers have discovered that many of the older mosques in Mecca itself have niches that aren’t pointing the right way. They’re concerned that the prayers they’ve dispatched in the past weren’t aimed correctly. Is it possible that there’s a comparable scenario in your life, Aries?

Might you be filled with righteous intentions, but not quite delivering them to the correct location? If so, this is an excellent time to make adjustments.

Homework: What gift could you give a friend or loved one in order to change his or her life for the better? Testify at FreeWillAstrology.com.

JONESIN’

By Matt Jones

“Center Piece” –no theme, big middle.

Across 1 Dungeons & Dragons game runners, for short 4 Donkey’s ancestors 13 Gets ready 15 Enter nonchalantly 17 Amassed, as a bar tab 18 Offshore company, financially speaking 19 Old Roman local levy (not derived from “eight”) 21 Court request to the press 22 Springy sound effect in comics 24 Marlin searched for him 25 “I’ll take that as ___” 26 Filled in for an author 32 Bulk food aisle container 33 March 28, 2009 event that made many homes go dark 34 Back muscle, for short 35 Least likely to rain 36 Mean Amin 39 “No Line on the Horizon” coproducer Brian 40 Copy down to the last detail 41 “Hey ___” (recurring “In Living Color” skit) 42 Literal translation of “Adirondack” that evokes trees 43 Peruvian singer Sumac 44 Journalists who write heart-tugging stories,

slangily 45 Sue Grafton’s “___ for Outlaw” 46 Sam & Dave’s longtime record label 48 Home of the Great Dark Spot 50 That Suzanne Vega song with the “doo doo doo doo” chorus 56 “The Wrestler” director Aronofsky 57 Stadium section with cheaper tickets, usually 59 Kennel structures 60 Mississippi university that’s home to the Fighting Okra 61 Accustom 62 Cleaned up a microscopic specimen, e.g.

63 Part of CBS: abbr.

Down 1 Overly harsh 2 Pass along a bit of info 3 Reject 4 Pro league sometimes called the “Dream Tour of Surfing” 5 Nation with a Supreme Leader 6 “___ Jr.” (Pixar’s first film whose lamps are used in their logo) 7 Frisbee, e.g.

8 “Brimful of ___” (Cornershop hit of 1997) 9 Come across as 10 What February might have, depending on the region

11 Biggest section of a TV dinner 12 Prepare cauliflower, say 13 Like some causes 14 Crustacean that fashions homes from a porous animal 16 “___ it seems” 20 Asthma sufferers’ needs 23 Contemporary classical composer Henryk 27 Rubbernecks 28 Intent to harm, for one 29 Soft-Coated ___ Terrier (breed named for its grainlike color) 30 On a list, in olden times 31 Star’s locale 36 Friend-in-need’s helpful response 37 Acts like a control freak 38 Somehow 42 CD anthologies, often 44 Store handout 46 Poker variety 47 Drank until stinking drunk 49 Fat introduction?

51 “Curses!”

52 Rick’s “Casablanca” love 53 ___ pot (sinuscleaning apparatus) 54 Politico Bayh 55 Anatomical nerve network 58 Had the most points

©2009 Jonesin’ Crosswords (editor@jonesincrosswords.com) For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle #0412.

Solution To Last Week’s Puzzle

Never Worry About Losing A Copy Of The Pulse Keep Up Online at www.chattanoogapulse.com www.chattanoogapulse.com 5.7.09 The Pulse

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AskAMexican

by Gustavo Arellano

Special Pandemic Edition Dear Mexican, Is it true that most Mexicans are carriers of the swine flu due to the fact they eat a lot of chicharrones, or is it the fact that your women are so piglike? I knew that Mexicans have muy shitty diets, but now we have to worry about them infecting us with a pigborne disease? Maybe we should put Clorox in the Rio Grande to cleanse your people while they swim to our country illegally. Any ideas?

— Penis is Gnat-Small Dear PIGS, Amazingly, yours was the only cochino comment or query that the Mexican received in the two weeks since the emergence of the most destructive “Mexican” pathogen desde Carlos Mencia. Only time will tell whether the swine flu will fizzle out or turn us all into zombies (or, in the case of Mexicans, cucuys), so I’ll just limit my comentario to a few salient puntos. Firstly, most of the American cases first affected non-Mexicans, and nearly all of the infected arrived legally from Mexico, so no need to blame the illegals this time, Know Nothings. The best way to protect oneself from any disease is pozole with serrano peppers, onions, and a tequila chaser. And finally, instead of labeling this disease as swine flu, let us all unite in calling it the Lou Dobbs flu, both to the CNN’s porcine appearance and because his opinions are little better than pig caca, but hella more dangerous.

Dear Mexican, I’m a mother to a beautiful five-year-old. Her father and I are of different ethnicities, with his bordering on Gringo (he’s Greek). I’m a dark-skinned mexicana and proud of it! My daughter is the opposite of me: Mediterranean olive skin with crystal-blue eyes a head of gorgeous chestnut hair. Anyways, the other day, my nena was feeling sick and I took her into the pediatrician. While waiting there, a woman who clearly had no tact or manners asked me a question I thought was offensive. She asked how long I had been nannying and if I babysat on my free time. I looked at her and politely said that I wasn’t this child’s nanny but rather her mother. She looked unconvinced and then had the huevos to ask me if I adopted her and from where. The

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The Pulse 5.7.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com

fiery Latina in me was heated to say the least, and thankfully, the nurse called us in before I had the chance to tell the puta to fuck off. Why is it impossible for gabachos to believe that darker-skinned Mexicans can make gringo-looking babies? For the record, my baby speaks English, Spanish, and Greek. How many gringos can say that about their children?

— I’ve Got the Scar to Prove It Dear Wabette, You need to be more sympathetic to the intellectual plight of gabachos.

This column exists solely because most of them can’t fathom simple issues pertaining to la raza like the origins of the upside-down exclamation point at the beginning of some sentences and why we like salsa so much; you honestly expect them to comprehend that Mexis come in all colores, especially given that our loudest yaktivists have anointed us with the shade of brown to join white, yellow, black and red on America’s racial spectrum? Sí, gabachos: Mexicans span the color spectrum.

My mother is as white as a porcelain doll; mi papi, as swarthy as a Sicilian.

Now, excuse me while I scarf down another bowl of pozole and fend off the Lou Dobbs gripa.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@ askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, find him on Facebook, Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

“Most of the American cases first affected non-Mexicans, and nearly all of the infected arrived legally from Mexico, so no need to blame the illegals this time, Know Nothings.”

The Pulse Real Estate Guide

To list your Residential or Commercial Real Estate, Contact Rhonda Rollins at (423) 242-7680