STATE OF THE CITY • PYSCHO BEACH PARTY • KRONOS QUARTET
Soccer, Y'all Chattanooga FC fires up the gridiron for July 4th by Chuck Crowder
News, Views, Arts & Entertainment • July 2 - 8, 2009 • Volume 6, Issue 27 • www.chattanoogapulse.com • pulse news 95.3 WPLZ
CONTENTS T H E P U L S E • C H AT TA N O O G A , T E N N E S S E E • J U LY 2 , 2 0 0 9 • V O L U M E 6 , I S S U E 2 7
COVER STORY
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NEWS & VIEWS 5 PULSE BEATS
21 LIFE IN THE ‘NOOG
The newsy, notable and notorious.
Give me 423 or give me dial tone.
14 SHRINK RAP
22 SHADES OF GREEN
Of friends, lovers and puppies.
America's most wanted polluters.
19 ON THE BEAT
29 ASK A MEXICAN
Cops, movies and television.
Remembrance of things wab.
ARTS & FEATURES 9 BEYOND THE HEADLINES By Louis Lee The Penguins’ Rock exhibit at the Tennessee Aquarium has turned into a maternity ward. It was only about three months ago that small rocks were brought in for the penguins to make nests. Now, the first chick has hatched.
16 ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT By Helene Houses While watching the Chattanooga Theatre Centre’s production of Psycho Beach Party, we seriously feared for the health of the patron sitting behind us.
20 FILM FEATURE
By Damien Power Three things make a great movie. The first is acting: A great cast of actors can make any film enjoyable. The second is writing: An intriguing script can propel any movie to greatness. The third is cinematography.
24 MUSIC FEATURE
By Hellcat If the truth is told, record deals, while they still sound neat are virtually useless. We don’t need major labels anymore to get our music out there. We don’t need our major labels telling us how and what to do anymore.
Cover layout by Kelly Lockhart
GOOOOAAAAL! FUTBOL FEVER HEATS UP CHATTANOOGA By Chuck Crowder No offense to the Mocs, Vols or Titans, but Chattanooga now has the likes of a real football team, because “football” is what it’s called in every other part of the world. The Chattanooga Football Club is making waves, not only here, but also across an ever-growing popular army of teams coast to coast. In fact, our little fledgling squad has a very impressive record going into their final home match of the season, July 4 at Finley Stadium.
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EDITOON LETTERS TO THE EDITOR CITY COUNCILSCOPE THE LIST POLICE BLOTTER CHATTANOOGA STREET SCENES
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A&E CALENDAR MUSIC CALENDAR NEW MUSIC REVIEWS FREE WILL ASTROLOGY JONESIN’ CROSSWORD
The entire contents of this publication are copyrighted and property of Brewer Media Group. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publishers. The Pulse utilizes freelance writers and the views expressed within this publication are not necessarily the views of the publishers or editors. The Pulse takes no responsibility for unsolicited manuscripts, photographs, artwork or other materials.
The
Editoon
by Rick Baldwin
Publisher Zachary Cooper zcooper@chattanoogapulse.com Contributing Editor Janis Hashe jhashe@chattanoogapulse.com News Editor/Art Director Gary Poole gpoole@chattanoogapulse.com Advertising Sales Rick Leavell rleavell@chattanoogapulse.com Leif Sawyer leif@brewermediagroup.com Contributing Writers Gustavo Arellano, Rob Brezsny Elizabeth Crenshaw Chuck Crowder, Michael Crumb Rebecca Cruz, Hellcat Phillip Johnston, Matt Jones Jeremy Lawrence, Louis Lee Kelly Lockhart, Ernie Paik Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D. Damien Power, Stephanie Smith Alex Teach Editorial Intern Erica Tuggle Editorial Cartoonist Rick Baldwin Art Department Sharon Chambers Kathryn Dunn Kelly Lockhart Damien Power
Letters to the Editor your very straight forward analysis of the reasons why cops would want an armed citizenry. I just hope the brain-dead politicians will actually listen. I. Magol Oklahoma City
Art Intern Megan Humble Staff Photographer Damien Power Contributing Photographers Bob Edens Joshua Lang Michael Sethman Ray Soldano Contact Info: Phone (423) 648-7857 Fax (423) 648-7860 E-mail info@chattanoogapulse.com Advertising advertising@chattanoogapulse.com Calendar Listings calendar@chattanoogapulse.com The Pulse is published weekly and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publishers may take more than one copy per weekly issue. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors.
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1305 Carter Street Chattanooga, Tennessee 37402 phone (423) 648-7857 fax (423) 648-7860 Letters to the editor must include name, address and daytime phone number for verification. The Pulse reserves the right to edit letters for space and clarity. Please keep letters within 500 words in length. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on culture, the arts, entertainment and local news.
Member
Kudos To Alex Teach I used to reside in Chattanooga, back in the early ’90s. I was a teacher just over the line in Rossville at Ridgeland High School. I now live back in my home state of Oklahoma, although I no longer teach. I have had my carry license here for several years. I was encouraged to obtain that by local Police Officers. I’m always amazed when people are “surprised” that the Police are “in favor” of Concealed Carry Laws. I applaud
Carry Laws Work I support this change [On The Beat, “Guns in Restaurants. Guns in Bars”]. The old law did nothing but disarm honest, law-abiding people in restaurants and parks. I mean really…one would have to be dumb as a stump to think that armed criminals would heed a law requiring them to leave their firearms at the door or park entrance! Robert Kerr Chattanooga Moonbat Legislators That reminds me of what some moonbat ex-Massachusetts people tried to do after they moved to New Hampshire. Outraged that NH citizens are allowed to open carry without a permit (in parks, bars, even the State House!), they were
laughed out of the Governor’s office when they tried to change the laws. John Stark Chattanooga Idiot Politicians Thank you for your concise and articulate portrayal of the idiots in government in Chattanooga! All I can say is, “Thank God I live 120 miles from there”! I certainly hope my city/county officials don’t do something that asinine. Tish Stapf Atlanta Corrections: I would like to extend my greatest apologies to the Mattel Corporation for insinuating that they had anything to do with The Transformers toys, or this movie [“Director Michael Bay: Autobot or Decepticon?”]. Of course it was Hasbro, and not Mattel, who determined how to make millions of dollars by cashing in on one of their most treasured franchises. Mattel would never do such a thing, and I hope they and their fans accept my sincere apology. —Damien Power
Send all letters to the editor and questions to info@chattanoogapulse.com We reserve the right to edit letters for content and space. Please include your full name, city and contact information.
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Pulse Beats
Quote Of The Week: “I agreed to speak for Mayor Littlefield on one condition: that he wouldn’t talk about annexation.”
A rundown of the newsy, the notable, and the notorious...
— Hamilton County Mayor Claude Ramsey, in opening remarks at Chattanooga Mayor Ron Littlefield’s State of the City speech at the Doubletree Hotel last week.
The State of the City is “Good” “Whatever your political leanings, whatever your chosen path in life, whatever your economic status…you must admit that we live in interesting times,” said Chattanooga Mayor Ron Littlefield, opening a much-anticipated address before a packed room at the Doubletree Hotel this past week. The mayor, outlining his vision for the future of the city, took the opportunity to focus on some of the city’s most pressing needs amid a declining state and national economy. “As we wrestle with ‘The Great Recession’, experts have assessed the state of the nation’s infrastructure—our streets and roads and highways, our pipes and treatment plants, our interstates and ports and all that links us together and makes it possible to support our civilization and lifestyle. The findings are not encouraging,” said the mayor. A failing national infrastructure is among the foremost concerns Littlefield, a former public works commissioner, has when looking around the city and surrounding areas. He referred to a report from the Urban Land Institute that noted the country is at a “pivot point” concerning infrastructure. “The country faces a stark choice—either avert its slide from prosperity through greater investment and innovation or hurtle into more gridlock, congestion and potential systemic failure. If we continue to run our infrastructure into a ditch, we won’t be able to get our economy out of its hole,” he stated. Chattanooga itself is one of the few bright spots economically in the region, due to a combination of the incoming Volkswagen assembly plant and the various industries and services to be built to support the plant. But along with local government’s ongoing goal of maintaining and supporting sustainable growth, Littlefield cautioned that the city cannot afford to ignore the greater state and national problems. “We cannot divorce ourselves from the state of the nation or the state of the state,” he said. “We must be mindful of the forces at play and the potential effect on our development options for the future. I might add that all of this does underscore one issue that is current in our community. Throughout all this discussion on conditions and options and infrastructure needs to support our hopes and dreams for the future is a common thread—and that common thread is that all of this relates to urban planning and the provision of urban services in such fashion that we create sustainable communities.”
For the past several months, The Pulse has been running a series of cover stories about the various aspects of sustainability and sustainable development. For some, the ideas may seem esoteric and not really applicable to the “real world”, a view that Littlefield does not share. He understands that economic development goes hand-in-hand with managed growth. “We do have important questions that must be addressed regarding the provision of adequate urban services—services to sustain and support our new growing population. Successful communities must meet challenging and interesting times with a spirit of energy, enthusiasm and optimism.” For all his years in government, from his days in public works, to his time on the city council, and now in his second term as mayor, Littlefield has always been known as an optimist. That optimism was evident throughout his address, which paid heed to the current economic difficulties, but also made note of the city’s many positive accomplishments in the past year, as well as acknowledging forward-looking groups such as Stand that are seeking to develop
Here is one of the more interesting agenda items set to be discussed at the July 7 meeting of the Chattanooga City Council.
6. Ordinances – First Reading: a) An ordinance to amend Chattanooga City Code, Part II, Chapter 5, Article III,Section 5-48, relative to alcoholic beverages with respect to persons under the age of twenty-one (21).
a positive future for Chattanooga. “In spite of the economy, in spite of these ‘interesting times’, it is a good time to be in Chattanooga and I can say to you with absolute certainty that the future can be bright if we respond with energy and enthusiasm and youthful vigor,” he said, closing out his speech. “The best is yet to come.”
Healthy Bicycling, Volkswagen Braces For A Deluge, Wal-Mart Settlement • Outdoor Chattanooga and the Mobile Bicycle Fleet program have been honored with a 2009 Shining Star Award by Tennessee Governor Phil Bredesen for their efforts in promoting a healthy lifestyle. “The work of these groups and the individuals they inspire helps Tennessee become a healthier state and puts us on track to live longer lives,” Bredesen noted. The Mobile Bicycle Fleet’s mission is to promote bicycling for transportation, recreation, and health, and specifically to reduce mid-day vehicle trips by employees and students in Chattanooga. “The Mobile Bicycle Fleet has had a huge impact on how people use bikes in Chattanooga,” says Outdoor Chattanooga Executive Director Philip Grymes, “People who haven’t ridden in years are back on bicycles for transportation and fun.” • Volkswagen officials said they anticipate more than100,000 applicants for jobs at the new plant currently under construction at Enterprise South. Approximately 2,000 jobs will be created when the plant is completed, meaning that competition for each position will be extremely tough. Applications will be accepted starting in the late fall. Meanwhile, the company is trying to secure financing for a supplier park to be located nearby. Local officials are hopeful that suppliers will provide many more jobs for the area, over and above Volkswagen new hires. • The now-infamous incident a few months back in which a 71-year-old WalMart greeter was knocked to the floor during an altercation with an off-duty Chattanooga police officer has finally reached a conclusion. A civil lawsuit filed on behalf of the greeter against the city and the two officers who were present during the incident has been settled, according to attorney Robin Flores. William Walker will receive $10,000 from the city and another $10,000 from Officer Kenneth Freeman. “Mr. Walker suffered no permanent physical damage to his person. He has received full payment, and the attorneys are circulating an order of dismissal based upon this judgment,” Flores stated. “Mr. Walker was fair in his demand, which reflects his gentle soul.”
One of the more frustrating things about laws is that even when the intent is clear, often the details are not specific enough. This is what leads to classic “loopholes,” which the sharper members of the legal profession are able to exploit for their clients’ benefit. “Getting off on a technicality” is the type of news report that often makes you want to slap your head in frustration. Which is why the above ordinance is coming before the council, clarifying an observed loophole in the laws regarding alcohol consumption by underage drinkers. Just to make things perfectly clear, the amended code would state that no one with an alcohol license can “allow any person on its premises to purchase, hand over or pass off an alcoholic beverage to a person under the age of twenty-one on the permit holder’s premises.” This means that the old dodge, “Well, I didn’t sell them any alcohol” will not pass legal muster. If you have a bar or restaurant that serves alcohol, you will (assuming the ordinance is passed as expected) be completely responsible for everyone on the premises, regardless of who purchased the alcohol. The Chattanooga City Council meets each Tuesday at 6 p.m. in the City Council Building at 1000 Lindsay St. For more information on the agendas, visit www.Chattanooga.gov/City_ Council/110_Agenda.asp
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A weekly roundup of the newsworthy, notable and often head-scratching stories gleaned from police reports from the Chattanooga Police Department, the Hamilton County Sheriff’s Office, the Bradley County Sheriff’s Department and the Dalton Police Department.
The Top Grossing Movies of 2009 (so far) 1. Up - $250,218,000 2. Star Trek - $246,225,000 3. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - $201,246,000 4. Monsters Vs. Aliens $195,971,000 5. The Hangover $183,247,000 6. X-Men Origins: Wolverine $177,837,000 7. Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian $163,248,000 8. Fast and Furious $155,020,000 9. Paul Blart: Mall Cop $146,336,178
• Among life’s many pleasures is treating yourself to some hot, fresh doughnuts. However, when stopping off at the doughnut shop, it is generally advisable to keep track of your purse. A woman called police after she bought a dozen doughnuts from a popular Brainerd Road shop and then couldn’t find her purse, which she claimed she had set down on the counter. While police were reviewing the surveillance tape, the woman opened the box of doughnuts…to discover her purse safely inside. • One of the best tools in fighting neighborhood crime is a neighborhood watch. In the West Sunset neighborhood of Lookout Mountain, an alert neighbor called police after noticing what appeared to be a burglary happening next door, reporting that two men were loading items into a car. Officers responded to the area, sealing off access to the neighborhood
• Police officers always attempt to be as meticulous as possible when filling out their reports. Which often leads to some odd reports, such as a recent call on Southern Street, in which a woman complained about a cab driver. The woman told police that she was playing cards when the cab pulled up in front of her house and the driver tried to “holla” her. She was not interested in being “holla-ed” at and told the driver to leave her alone, at which point she claims he became angry and threw a beer bottle out the window before speeding off. • But the best report of the week belongs to Officer Galen Roberts. Roberts was responding to a downtown
Chattanooga Street Scenes
10. Taken - $144,984,167 It’s already been a very good year for Hollywood, up 11.9 percent over last year, and with the incredible opening of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen it looks as though it may be in the running for the best box office year ever. And when you take into account worldwide grosses, “Transformers” is already second on the list, at $387.3 million. Of interest is that the numberone grossing movie worldwide didn’t even make the US top ten: Angels & Demons, which has taken in an astounding $461.1 million since its release on May 15. Source: Box Office Mojo
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and quickly stopping the reported vehicle. Inside they found items taken from the residence, including two rifles and a shotgun, a flatscreen TV, a laptop computer and some cash and jewelry, as well as a small amount of drugs they had in their possession.
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hotel on what had been dispatched as an assault call, but turned out to be— in his words—a “lunatic” call. The complainant claimed he had been assaulted under a bridge but had no visible injuries. During the course of speaking with the officer, he began rambling about his youth and his exploits as a young baseball player. At which point, according to officer Roberts, “Incredibly, an ambulance was summoned by a member of the hotel staff and the man was wastefully whisked off to Erlanger Hospital for unneeded medical treatment.” Photo by Staff Photographer Damien Power
A German film crew takes in soccer practice at Finley Stadium.
dennis miller evenings, 10-1
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BeyondTheHeadlines by Louis Lee
Pitter-Patter of Little Webbed Feet T
he Penguins’ Rock exhibit at the Tennessee Aquarium has turned into a maternity ward. It was only about three months ago that small rocks were brought in for the penguins to make nests. Now, the first chick has hatched. Parent penguins numero uno are Paulie and Chaos. The mated pair of macaroni penguins laid their egg in early June. They were followed by a pair of gentoos, Bug and Big T. Not to be outdone, the gentoos lay two eggs at a time. “Gentoo penguins will keep both their eggs in the nest,“ explains aviculturist Amy Graves, “as long as there’s enough food and there aren’t too many predators.” It was ironic, says Graves, that Bug and Big T were the first gentoo penguins to lay, since they are both a bit “free-spirited.” Both are five years old. “They had been observed courting and mating,” she says, “but didn’t build a nest until the last minute. They waited almost until Bug was ready to lay the egg.” Despite their laid-back attitude, both are very attentive to their eggs, displaying parental instincts. Old flippers at the baby birdy business are Biscuit and Blue. They came to the Tennessee Aquarium as a mated pair. “They are both 15 years old,” says Graves, “and have had chicks together at SeaWorld.” Handlers at the Aquarium are watching this pair closely, as their parental record is “somewhat in question,” and the first egg laid was is dented and discarded. A watch is on to see if their second egg is viable. The pair have had eggs together for nine seasons in a row, but have only hatched three chicks in that time. So, the tally is…Macaronis: Paulie and Chaos laid one egg and it has hatched. The Gentoos: Big T and Bugs have two eggs; Blue and Biscuit had two eggs but one didn’t make it; and Poncho and Peep have two eggs. A few days before Father’s Day, Graves said she saw a piece of chipped shell in Paulie’s nest. And when Paulie stood up, she noticed a quarter-sized hole in the egg, and a tiny beak poking out. “The chick is still in the egg, but that’s when it gets its first breath of air,” explains Dave Collins, the Aquarium’s Curator of Forests.
“That starts its lungs working and the blood circulating and it becomes an air-breathing bird for the first time in its life.” In short order, the chick was out of the shell and nestled safely under the big, soft underbelly of daddy Paulie. The first three days, it was very important to keep the baby warm in the 40-degree environment of the Penguins’ Rock exhibit. It was hard for handlers to even get a glimpse of the new chick. Their worries subsided when they heard the chick vocalize for the first time. “I heard a very soft, yet strong, ‘peep, peep, peep’,” said Graves, “This is good news to my ears because when you hear the chick vocalizing, then you know that the chick is alive. You don’t always see the baby penguin in the beginning, so hearing it vocalize is important.” Just a week after hatching, the little web-footed one is keeping its parents busy. “We’ve recorded them feeding the baby 18-20 times from 7 a.m. to 5 p.m. each day,” said Graves. “And I’m sure they are feeding throughout the night as well.” According to the Aquarium staff, the feeding ritual is interesting and sometimes comical. Frantic peeping begins from underneath the parent that’s currently keeping the baby warm. In response to this vocalization, the parent rises up and off the baby. Then, two things occur. First, the baby penguin begins rubbing its beak vigorously alongside the parent’s beak.
Then the parent opens its beak for the baby to enjoy some sushi—penguin style! Actually, as Amy Graves explains it, “The chick sticks that little head way up into the parent’s mouth, almost to the back of the throat, and comes out with a nice big piece of regurgitated fish.” Graves admits that it might sound disgusting to us, but for a baby penguin, it’s absolutely wonderful. And the feeding is obviously doing the trick. Dr. Chris Keller, the Aquarium’s veterinarian, weighed and examined the chick on Friday, June 26. “This baby weighs 484 grams, which is a little more than a pound,” Dr. Keller declared. That’s slightly heavier than the bell curve for oneweek-old macaroni penguins. And at this stage, it’s better to be slightly overweight than under. As well as the chick is doing, there are still many challenges to overcome. Just like human babies, soon the baby penguin will become mobile. Within two or three weeks, it will start scampering around the rock, and that means potential for trouble. One big worry is that the baby is covered in down, and doesn’t yet have its waterproof feathers. On the horizon, handlers are still keeping an eye on the gentoo eggs. It’s still unknown if all the eggs are fertile or not. If they are, visitors to the Penguins’ Rock exhibit will be able to see more chicks in the maternity ward around mid-July. 95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 7.2.09 The Pulse
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Cover Story
Gooooaaaal!
Futbol Fever Heats Up Chattanooga By Chuck Crowder • Photos by Michael Sethman 95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 7.2.09 The Pulse
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Cover Story
Chattanooga FC Fires Up The Gridiron
“In just a few short months, with a lot of hard work and determination, a handful of devoted local ‘football’ junkies spent their nights and weekends creating a Chattanooga FC out of a few beneficial things Chattanooga already had going for it.”
By Chuck Crowder Photos by Michael Sethman 12
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ike most stateside soccer enthusiasts, I am gleefully watching our USA team dominate the “masters” (Spain, and—almost—Brazil) and carve a viable place in the upcoming World Cup festivities. But what helps fuel my excitement is that we now have the same action live, right here in the Noog. No offense to the Mocs, Vols or Titans, but Chattanooga now has the likes of a real football team, because “football” is what it’s called in every other part of the world. The Chattanooga Football Club is making waves, not only here, but also across an ever-growing popular army of teams coast to coast. In fact, our little fledgling squad has a very impressive record going into their final home match of the season, July 4 at Finley Stadium. Up to now, the CFC has accumulated seven points with two wins, three losses and one draw and are contenders for second place (since three teams currently have seven points, with Chattanooga FC falling to fourth on goal differential alone). Now, if I knew exactly what that meant, it might be even more impressive than it sounds. But like the rest of the city, I’m just now learning the language of the game. And it’s a crash course that more and more fans are electing to take. In the first three games of the season alone, attendance of up to 2,000 fans became a regular occurrence in Chattanooga on game night. And according to the National Premier Soccer
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League (NPSL) in which they compete, the CFC’s attendance record is the highest in the league without a doubt. Just for this past home game, for example, 2,100 fans turned out to watch Chattanooga FC draw 1-1 against conference leaders Rocket City United (Huntsville). And that’s at home. The road games are warranting at least one busload of fans, if not two. There are even reports that our last match against Atlanta inspired more people to drive 100 miles down I-75 than a few minutes around 285. “Why, then,” (you ask) “haven’t I ever heard of The Chattanooga FC until now?” One reason might be that this is our team’s inaugural season. In just a few short months, with a lot of hard work and determination, a handful of devoted local “football” junkies spent their nights and weekends creating a Chattanooga FC out of a few beneficial things Chattanooga already had going for it. For example, they had a venue—the soccergrade field of a local stadium in desperate need of seat warmers, aka Finley Stadium and Davenport Field. They had sponsors. Volkswagen and a laundry list of local businesses all jumped at the chance to take lead sponsorship roles and have been integral in helping organize efforts. They even had players. Believe it or not, there’s a whole slew of great footballers around town—many of whom spend their Sundays at Camp Jordan playing in a local league made up of “dayjob” players, who are car dealers and college professors, fast-food cooks and carpet-plant workers. After that, all they needed was a league to join. Along with teams from Atlanta, Huntsville, Dalton and Birmingham, The Chattanooga FC plays in the NPSL, which is the equivalent of, say, a Double-A baseball team. The “majors” play in the United Soccer League (USL) or the even bigger mack-daddy “show” Major League Soccer (think David Beckham in L.A.). “The main reason we’re not in USL is that it is expensive and even the most ‘successful’ teams like the Charleston Battery don’t fare very well financially,” explains CFC advocate and sponsor Tim Kelly. “Ours, happily, is a much purer endeavor, since we’re not even a for-profit enterprise. But ironically, we’ve been fortunate enough to have been so successful out of the gate that we’ll have a little more momentum going into next year.” The CFC might be better off where they are in the soccer hierarchy, even though we may never produce a modern-day Pele right here at home. In fact, there are so many levels of pro and semi-pro soccer in the U.S. that you’re more likely to see 90 percent of the Lookouts play in Dodger uniforms
Cover Story “Speaking of grassroots marketing, if you’re not at least familiar with the CFC, then you may very well be living on the cyber-social equivalent of a desert island—i.e., without Facebook and/ or Twitter. ”
than one CFC player in the national spotlight “bending it like Beckham.” But that doesn’t seem to bother anyone who’s been rabidly bitten by the CFC bug. “I went to their first match on May 16 and have only missed one match since, and that one was in Huntsville,” says CFC fan Chris Cooper. “From the moment I heard about the new Chattanooga Football Club on Facebook and experienced the action at Finley, I was a fan.” Speaking of grassroots marketing, if you’re not at least familiar with the CFC, then you may very well be living on the cyber-social equivalent of a desert island—i.e., without Facebook and/or Twitter. You see, the success of the Chattanooga FC is not only a testament to hard work and athletic talent, but to the power of viral marketing as well. Looking over their Facebook page, the value of social media and utilizing social networking sites for the club is clear, with their page already boasting nearly 1,600 fans. More importantly, the fans are active on the CFC Facebook page, posting in pictures, videos, and comments about the matches, even featuring “El Conductor” who seems to be the man in charge when it comes to all things CFC fan-related. CFC’s Twitter account @chattanoogafc is also one of the most active in the league, especially on game day with head Twitterer Chris Cooper manning the tweets as the game goes on. His frantic messaging is how fans at home keep up with the CFC action, and it is a great feed to follow if you can’t be there in person. But there’s also the excitement of the game itself. During the recent home match, for example, (you know, the one where 2,100
people showed up), fans were treated to quite a match, as CFC goalie Richard Masters saved a penalty kick in the 95th minute to hold onto the draw, a play now affectionately referred to as “the save.” At every game, home or away, you’ll hear the rampant roar of the “Chattahooligans.” This ever-growing mob of die-hard fans wearing team colors, chanting cheers, waving flags and beating drums throughout the games really raises the participation bar high on the seat side of the stadium.
“My favorite moments are at the end of the matches when the team comes over to the stands and raises their hands above their heads, applauding to the crowd to say thanks for their support,” says Cooper. “I predict the crowd for the match on July 4 will be a record setter. And win or lose, there will be more than a few people a little sad that the season is over and they have just discovered this team, this game, and this unique atmosphere. I am already looking forward to next year.”
The Chattanooga Football Club Final season match $5 7 p.m. July 4 ($1 post-game shuttle to riverfront for fireworks) Finley Stadium, 1826 Carter Street www.chattanoogafc.com
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ShrinkRap by Dr. Rick
Of Friends, Lovers, and Puppies I
’m going to share a story with you. A version of this was sent to me by my friend Rosie. Apparently, last week was National Friendship Week… who knew? But I must say I love this little story. It has innocence, kindness and puppies. What’s not to love? Now I’ll understand if you find it somewhat schmaltzy, or as overly sentimental as a Norman Rockwell painting, but put aside your cynicism for a moment and hang with it because it contains some good stuff. And it might even improve your love life. (More about this later.) Meanwhile, I’ll be honest and tell you that I found it a bit heartbreaking and needed a tissue. I was ferklempt. So, fair warning: Whether you’re Meg Ryan or The Rock, you might need a tissue, too. A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell, so he painted a sign advertising the four pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving in the last nail, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy. “Mister,” he said, “I want to buy one of your puppies.” “Well,” said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, “These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money.” The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. “I’ve got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?” “Sure,” said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. “Here, Dolly!” he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly, followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the pups made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little fur ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the
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others, doing its best to catch up. “I want that one,” the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The famer knelt down at the boy’s side and said, “Son, you don’t want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would.” With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg and attaching itself to a specially made shoe. Looking back up at the farmer he said, “You see, sir, I don’t run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands.” With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. He carefully handed it to the little boy. “How much?” asked the boy. “No charge,” answered the farmer. “This world is full of beings who need someone who understands.” Need a minute? OK, I’ll wait. I understand. (Sorry, had to say it.) See, the sweet moral of this story—how we can be quick to dismiss something or someone just because they’re “different”—no doubt resonates loudly. Well, lots of people are different. Aren’t we ALL different? Some people carry their pain on the outside, most carry it on the inside. But there’s something else going on here as well. The little boy identified with the hobbling pup. He felt a kinship, a sameness, and he understood that it’s sometimes hard to keep up with others who aren’t as wounded. This, my friends, is empathy—not pity, not sympathy—but understanding. Unconsciously, we register these “understandings” and feel these kinships all the time. With the Bi-Lo gal who looks like her feet are killing her, just like yours do at the end of your workday. With the little neighbor kid, who seems lonely and rather friendless, just like you were at his age. And with the puppy who looks at you like he needs you. And you know that feeling of needing to be loved. See, in this quirky way, we pick out puppies the same way we pick out boyfriends and girlfriends. We identify. In fact, this phenomenon forms the basis of friendships of all
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kinds. I tell people that when it comes to the qualities we seek in another, it may be opposites that attract, but it’s similarities that keep a relationship going. Think about it. How often do we say about a potential partner: “We have so much in common! We like the same music, we both play softball, we both love the beach…” Now: Here comes the therapy part. First, regarding friends: Who’s in your circle of friends? What are their common qualities? Next, lovers: Who do you tend to date? What are their common qualities? If you do a bit of soul-searching around this, it may open your eyes, and not so much about others as about yourself. This is bringing the unconscious into conscious awareness. You may be happy with what you learn about yourself. Or you may need a tissue. Either way, it’s a worthwhile journey if you want to be aware of the choices you make. And if you have a pup nearby, chances are—he’ll understand. Until next time: “Within the heart of every stray lies the singular desire to be loved.” —author unknown. Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga. Visit his web site at www.DrRPH.com
“I tell people that when it comes to the qualities we seek in another, it may be opposites that attract, but it’s similarities that keep a relationship going.”
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Arts&Entertainment by Helene Houses
Waves of Crazy Laughter at the CTC W
hile watching the Chattanooga Theatre Centre’s production of Psycho Beach Party, we seriously feared for the health of the patron sitting behind us. Such a collection of guffaws, choking laughs, snorts and assorted other noises of amusement has rarely been heard. We were afraid he might die laughing before the fate of Chicklet and Star Cat could be revealed. Fortunately, he survived, and so did we, which is why I am in a position to tell you that Psycho Beach Party is one of the best shows I’ve ever seen at the CTC. The Charles Busch camp-fest hangs ten (and everything else) in its full glory on the Circle Stage. Director, actors, designers all totally go for it, man, with death-defying results. Anyone who’s watched the classic Gidget movie, with Sandra Dee, James Darren and Cliff Robertson will recognize basic plot elements immediately: Young Chicklet longs to surf with the boys, who macho-ly dismiss her, except for uber-surfer Kanaka, who takes her under his tanned wing. However, in Busch’s version, Chicklet has a small multiple-personality problem, none of the surfers are completely sure about their sexual orientation, and the aging starlet, Bettina Barnes, was added purely so that Busch himself could appear in fabulous drag. In this production, credit director Magge Cabrera-Hudgins for assembling a super cast, allowing her designers flights of ’60s Malibu fancy, and moving her actors around the stage in a revolving circus of silliness. Production designer AnneMarie Brinton’s easily adapted, versatile set pieces keep the action moving (so essential in a piece like this), and her crowning achievement is the backlit surfing scene. Braxton Philips (who also plays none-too-bright surfer Dee Dee) designed the many and ridiculous costumes, including Bettina Barnes’s ensembles, which very nearly stole the show on their own. Roseda Seours did the “gowns” of Chicket’s mom, Mrs. Forrest, and they are also
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perfectly over the top. But highest praise must go to the cast. Jamison Tate’s Star Cat is seriously channeling James Darren’s Moondoggie, and I mean that in the best possible way. The “surfer couple” of Yo Yo (Cody Keown) and Provoloney (Zach Cavan) are hilarious separately, together and when teamed with fellow doofus dudes Dee Dee (Philips) and Nicky (Travis Knauss). Jennelle Gilreath’s character Marvel Ann fades out as the show progresses, but she makes the most of her early scenes (and her red wig) as the ultimate Beach Bitch. As Berdine, Maggie Bradshaw bears the burden of Busch’s signature references to famous philosophers, and she carries this off with great good humor. I loved Taylor Williams’s Kanaka, not least because of Williams’s complete costume fearlessness. My companion’s favorite performance was Scott Dunlap’s Mrs. Forrest, and Dunlap’s pinpoint comic timing and ever-so-much-biggerthan-life presence made it easy to see why. CTC Producing Director George Quick completely inhabits the terrifyingly inane soul of Bettina Barnes and we wish him the best of luck on getting out of it once the show closes. The character of Chicklet is sometimes played by an actual girl, but Andrew Chauncey’s performance will make you see what a travesty that is. Chauncey is crazy-good as poor, mixed-up Chicklet careens back and forth from sweet beach bunny to
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dominatrix to sassy city mama and a few others besides. The role is a tour-de-force and Chauncey sweeps you along on its tide. If I have one caveat (and this might have been due to opening-night pacing), it’s that the show lost steam toward the end, and the ending itself felt anticlimactic. Busch’s script is mostly responsible for this, as it ends at least three times, but if CabreraHudgins and her talented posse can find a way to shoot the curl all the way, that would be gnarly. In any case, Psycho Beach Party is, like, so the place to be on a hot summer night. Oh, and the pre-show luau is a hoot. Dress for the beach and prepared to get lei’d.
Psycho Beach Party $15 7:30 p.m. luau 8 p.m. performance July 10, 11, 17, 18 Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Circle Stage, 400 River Street. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com
A&ECalendar
Send your calendar events to us at calendar@chattanoogapulse.com
Friday
Thursday 3rd Annual Patriotic Celebration 7 p.m. Memorial Auditorium, 399 McCallie Ave. (423) 757-5156. www.chattanoogaonstage.com Delta Queen: A Musical Journey dinner & a show 8 p.m. Delta Queen, Coolidge Park. (423) 468-4500. www.deltaqueenhotel.com
Twelfth Night One-night-only performance by six members of the Drifting Theater/ Uncovered Theater companies. $15 7:30 p.m. Ripple Theater, 3264 Brainerd Rd. (423) 475-5006. www.rippletheater.com
Pat Dixon 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com “The Untold Stories of the Great Black Jockeys” Chattanooga African-American Museum, 200 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8658. www.caamhistory.org
Luck of the Draw Completely improvised two-act musical. You suggest the story, they make it all up! $10 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga State Humanities Auditorim. 4501 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 697-4404. www.chattanoogastate.edu
Saturday
Art Until Dark: Featured artist, Steve Kennedy Noon. WinderBinder Gallery of Art, 40 Frazier Ave. (423) 413-8999. www.winderbinder.com
One of the year’s favorite outings with the CSO and, of course, fireworks. Free 8 p.m. Coolidge Park, NorthShore. (423) 265-0771. www.downtownchattanooga.org
Monday
“Coal Miners Health in Appalachia” Photo Exhibit Downtown Public Library, 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-1310. www.lib.chattanooga.gov
The Pilgrim’s Progress: A Journey 7:30 p.m. Ripple Theater, 3264 Brainerd Road, (423) 475-5006. Poetry Open Mic Night 7:30 p.m. Barnes & Noble, 2100 Hamilton Place Blvd. (423) 893-0186. Delta Queen: Showboat Serenade 8 p.m. Delta Queen, Coolidge Park. (423) 468-4500.
“Jellies: Living Art” Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. “Windows on the West: Views From the American Frontier” Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. “Human Nature” River Gallery, 400 E. Second St. (423) 265-5033.
Luck of the Draw 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga State Humanities Auditorium, 4501 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 697-4404.
Free First Sunday Noon. Hunter Museum, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944.
“Spring into Summer” In-Town Gallery, 26A Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9214. www.intowngallery.com
Luck of the Draw 2:30 p.m Chattanooga State Humanities Auditorium, 4501 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 697-4404.
“Rotation” Tanner Hill Gallery, 3069 S. Broad St., Suite 3. (423) 280-7182. www.tannerhillgallery.com
Pat Dixon 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233.
Works by Stephen Scott Young and “Keyed Up!” Shuptrine Fine Art and Framing, 2646 Broad St. (423) 266-4453.
"Night Visisons" for "Windows on the West" 7 - 10 p.m., Gallery 12, Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluf View. (423) 267-0968.
“A Barage of Butterflies” Houston Museum of Arts, 201 High St. (423) 267-7176. www.thehoustonmuseum.com
Tuesday
Wednesday
“Summer Salon Show: art by Steve Forster and Katherine Tate” Hanover Gallery, 111 Frazier Ave. (423) 648-0533.
Artist Mixer 5 p.m. Association for Visual Artists, 30 Frazier Ave. (423) 265-4282. www.avarts.org
“Jellies: Living Art” Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944.
“Spring into Summer” In-Town Gallery, 26A Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9214.
“Windows on the West: Views From the American Frontier” Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944.
“Rotation” Tanner Hill Gallery, 3069 S. Broad St., Suite 3. (423) 280-7182.
“The Untold Stories of the Great Black Jockeys” Chattanooga African-American Museum, 200 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8658. www.caamhistory.org
“Cultural Fragments” Lookout Mountain Gallery, 3914 St. Elmo Ave. (423) 394-1071.
Reception for “Human Nature” 6:30 p.m. River Gallery, 400 E. Second St. (423) 265-5033.
“Cultural Fragments” Lookout Mountain Gallery, 3914 St. Elmo Ave. (423) 394-1071.
“Speak Easy” spoken word and poetry 8 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9040. www.mudpierestaurant.com
“Human Nature” River Gallery, 400 E. Second St. (423) 265-5033. www.river-gallery.com
Pat Dixon 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com
Sunday Mosaic Market (indoor artist market open every Sat from 11 - 5) 11 a.m. 412 Market St. (corner of 4th/Market) (423) 624-3915. www.mosaicchattanooga.com
Pops on the River
Wine Down 6 p.m. Lookout Mountain Gallery, 3914 St. Elmo Ave. (423) 394-1071.
Works by Stephen Scott Young and “Keyed Up!” Shuptrine Fine Art and Framing, 2646 Broad St. (423) 266-4453.
“Coal Miners Health in Appalachia” Photo Exhibit Downtown Public Library, 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-1310. www.lib.chattanooga.gov
“A Barage of Butterflies” Houston Museum of Arts, 201 High St. (423) 267-7176. www.thehoustonmuseum.com
“Jellies: Living Art” Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org
Ice Cream Social at the Chattanooga Market The Mayfield cow will be there. What else do you need to know?
“The Untold Stories of the Great Black Jockeys” Chattanooga African-American Museum, 200 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8658.
Free 11 a.m.- 4 p.m. First Tennessee Pavilion, 1826 Carter St. (423) 648-2496. www.chattanoogamarket.com
“Coal Miners Health in Appalachia” Photo Exhibit Downtown Public Library, 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-1310.
Editor’s Pick: Featured Event Of The Week Main Street Farmer’s Market If you haven’t visited this new and seriously happening weekly local food market, hie yourself down to the Southside. Food is both art and entertainment, as are the farmers. You won't find produce like this anywhere else in the city at this time of the day. Wednesday, July 8 Free. 4 – 6 p.m. Corner of Main and Williams Streets. mainstfarmersmarket.com
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OnTheBeat by Alex Teach
Cops, Movies & Television L
et me tell you…after a long shift on patrol, if there’s one think I like to do when I get home, post pulling off the horrifically smelly polyester and Kevlar, it’s this: NOT watch goddamn anything to do with cops and robbers on local or cable television. For example, no less than weekly I hear something close to the following: “Hey, did you see COPS last week when they Tazed a PCP addict while he raped a dog in front of his great grandmother in a church?”, or “Hey, did you see on CSI where they convicted a man of murder based on toenail DNA and banana peels and no witness or confession?” or, “Hey, did you see that Bruce Willis movie where he portrayed a burned-out cop?” (Allow me to pause for laughter over this one.) Well, you know, shit-hell, it must have slipped my mind to catch that cop show or movie after spending the week or last few years being a cop. Tell you what, I’ll Netflix it! Right after I make a change purse out of my excess elbow skin. I am fully aware this is just polite conversation for someone interested in my career to find a common topic, but I gotta tell you, no…I don’t keep up with a lot of cop shows. Although police officers disgust the most vocal ten percent of society—what we in The Business call “assholes”—the other ninety percent seem unusually interested in what cops do in the way of pop culture and entertainment in general. Am I exaggerating? How about a word game: In Plain Sight, NCIS, Lie To Me, Castle, Fringe, The Mentalist, Bones, Fringe, The Unusuals, Southland, Life, Law & Order (& SVU), Monk, CSI and its spinoffs…I’d further illustrate the point but I’d run out of space because there are 50 in production at the moment, and that excludes classics from Barney Miller and Hill Street Blues in reruns to a recent classic, The Shield. As for what’s currently in theaters? “Fughetaboutit,” as one of these shows coined. My habitual avoidance aside, that doesn’t mean I don’t let one slip through the mental Dragnet now and then. While simplistic, I’ll let you know what an actual sworn cop born
between 1970 and 1975 considers a classic: Blade Runner (1982). It wasn’t the topic or sci-fi aspect so much as it was that decade to decade, and maybe even century to century, a cop is still a cop no matter the setting: A fairly instinctive and simple animal who grinds the seemingly complex into consistently common truths, then sorts out the bullshit from the fact (i.e.: police work). In Blade Runner’s case, Ridley Scott was able to take a 1930s detective and effectively tell the same story in 2019. 1995’s Se7en was also an exercise in such, and while the concept was broad and imaginative, the two main detectives in the case again well represented generational rifts between a rookie and a veteran cop, regardless of the time period. (True fans will recall the fact that they never even actually named the city in which the crimes took place…a nice touch.) The Name of the Rose (1986) is lesser-known great example with Sean Connery and a barely pubescent Christian Slater. Though not technically a policeman, he was definitely a “cop” in that role and should be appreciated as such. 1997 gave us what is thus far the definitive definition of an undercover cop in Donnie Brasco. The Untouchables (1987), The Fugitive (1993) and Copland (1997) are also worthy of mention, as are many others…but these few rise to the top of this cop’s list. To those are really, really considering the job, though, I’d recommend first: The first 45 minutes of Training Day (2001). The entire last half was ludicrous bunk, but the first (narcotics use and bullshit aside), I have to admit, when watching with a close non-police friend, I had to look down and shake my head a lot when asked for confirmation. But most definitively? I would recommend a show above all others listed: An HBO series named The Wire that was recommended by another non-police, but serious, friend.
After viewing a single episode, I rented the entire series season by season until it was completed in its entirety. Five years of broadcasts I managed to fit into four months, and I was starving for more while aghast at its accuracy about all aspects of crime and the secret life of cops it unveiled. There were a thousand lines I could cite, but the most appropriate for this column was one that stated “What kills police more than bullets and alcohol? Boredom.” From the different kinds of cops, to the different kinds of criminals, to the different kinds of politicians, to the different types of media outlets, this show positively nailed the idea of policing in modern America. It was written by an actual Baltimore police homicide detective named David Simon, who got his start writing for a local paper under an assumed name, and despite his audacity, he survived to tell the greatest and most accurate police stories I have ever heard. Mark my words, folks: Curious about “The Job”? Rent This Shit. As I close, I apologize to the usual audience that clamors only for bizarre stories of the Local and the True, but what can I say? I was asked again about the last episode of COPS, and I snapped. We’ll get back to my witty banter soon enough, but for this week… you’ll simply have to take the espousal of my opinions over The Rules. Both, apparently, have to have their place. Until next week.
“Although police officers disgust the most vocal ten percent of society—what we in The Business call ‘assholes’—the other ninety percent seem unusually interested in what cops do in the way of pop culture and entertainment in general.”
Alexander D. Teach is an occasional student of the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga and a graduate of Central High. In his spare time he enjoys carpentry, auto mechanic work, boating, and working for the Boehm Birth Defects Center.
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FilmFeature by Damien Power
Public Enemies Takes It to the Bank T
hree things make a great movie. The first is acting: A great cast of actors can make any film enjoyable. The second is writing: An intriguing script can propel any movie to greatness. The third is cinematography: This doesn’t necessarily mean eye candy (and usually doesn’t). It just means good old filmmaking. The film’s score can make a big difference as well—just ask John Williams or Danny Elfman. An enjoyable movie only needs one of those things. Comedies can usually rely on the timing of the starring comedian to make the movie work, while dramas have a harder time of it. Movies centered on comedians (Adam Sandler, I’m looking at you!) can be fun, but they’re not great. However, this is the dominion of the action movie. Bruce Lee’s movies weren’t the most beautifully shot films, nor were the stories that captivating, but his gravitas and charisma elevated Enter the Dragon above the other kung fu schlock of the day. A good movie has two of those things. Take a look at your DVD collection—you’ve got a lot that fall into this category. I know I do. I’m looking at it right now. M Night Shyamalan’s The Village is staring back at me. Here’s a movie with
thin air. Movies like The Hunt for Red October and Thirteen Days are good examples. A great movie consists of all three, which brings me to the point of this movie review. Public Enemies opens this week, and all three ingredients are present and delicious. Johnny Depp, Christian Bale, Giovanni Ribisi, Marion Cotillard, Leelee Sobieski, and Billy Crudup are an archetypal example of an “all-star cast.” Furthermore, I’m happy to report that Christian Bale has discovered that he can actually speak in an American accent, without sounding like his mouth is full of gravel. Second, Public Enemies is being directed by Michael Mann, whose forgivable Miami Vice mistake is easily forgotten when weighed against Heat, Ali, and the exceptional Collateral. Mann can get the job done when it comes to setting the right tone. He knows when to back off over-the-top visuals, and how to pull good performances out of his actors. In Public Enemies, we are in the 1930’s, following the life of notorious bank robber John Dillinger, whereupon we find ourselves an excellent story. Gangster movies have been done before, and some, like The Godfather, did them perfectly. However, Public Enemies has more in common with The Untouchables than with “Godfather”. We have America’s most infamous bank robber (Depp) squaring off against the FBI’s best bloodhound agent, the unfortunately named Melvin Purvis (Bale). The story of John Dillinger is intriguing because it touches on a nerve newly raw again today. The common man felt he’d been betrayed by the banking industry during the Great Depression. Because Dillinger made sure to rob only the banks and not their customers, he became an
“Because Dillinger made sure to rob only the banks and not their customers, he became an instant folk anti-hero who stuck it to those who had done them wrong.” a nonsensical storyline, elevated by Shyamalan’s real skills as a cinematographer, combined with great performances from Joaquin Phoenix and William Hurt. They may not have had much to work with, but they acted the hell out of it. More often than not, movies with adapted screenplays get a free pass on the scriptwriting. Transforming a piece of history, or someone else’s idea, into a visual medium is difficult, but less so than creating a universe out of
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instant folk anti-hero who stuck it to those who had done them wrong. In other words, he was the Robin Hood of his day. His exploits were sensational, and his legend grew, thanks in equal parts to national newspapers and schoolyard gossip. What was true was his ability to evade capture, his audacity in selecting targets (his gang robbed two different police armories), and his resourcefulness in escaping from prison. These exploits led to the involvement of a very young Federal Bureau of Investigation, meaning that the FBI we know today can trace its roots to John Dillinger as easily as it can J. Edgar Hoover. Public Enemies is certainly a great movie, and is definitely a mustsee. While you’re at it, rent Road to Perdition and The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. You’ll find the second one on the unnecessarily long-named movie aisle. Period movies aren’t dead, and we really should be working harder to bring back fedoras. Oh, and if you’re wondering…a bad movie is one that has sparkling vampires.
Public Enemies Directed by Michael Mann Starring Johnny Depp, Christian Bale, Marion Cotillard Rated R Running time: 140 minutes
LifeInTheNoog by Chuck Crowder
Give Me 423 Or Give Me Dial Tone T
his weekend is the Fourth of July holiday, commemorating a day back in 1776 that saw not only the signing of the Declaration of Independence, but the first time our Founding Fathers celebrated by grilling hot dogs and shooting off fireworks. At least that’s how my out-ofdate history book back in third grade read. Of course, our schoolbooks were donated by Oscar Meyer. Over time, this day has come to represent two very important things: the long weekend sandwiched between Memorial Day and Labor Day in the summertime holiday trilogy, and the freedom we’ve established for ourselves in the good old U-S-of-A. The freedom to do, think and be anything we want (within the law, of course). This freedom also includes the choice of not doing things we don’t wanna do as well. And one thing I’ve decided I don’t wanna do anymore is tell people in Chattanooga my area code. Let me explain. Our forefathers established 50 states (eventually), and each of those states has borders the phone companies use to define the area code system. This three-digit, regionspecific exchange at the beginning of your unique seven-digit allocation has two purposes. The first is so the phone company can reuse your specific phone number for someone in another area code,
should they ever run out of the seven-number combinations that ten numbers can make (which I believe is mathematically impossible) without someone dying and giving theirs up. The other purpose is to help route long-distance calls along the appropriate path in the massive grid of phone lines that crisscross this fine nation like toilet paper in a tree after Halloween. But people rarely make long distance calls on land lines any more. Cell phones have leveled the playing field between calls that cost, and calls that don’t. Nowadays I imagine the area code system just helps cell providers figure out where to put more towers, and where their customers live. In fact, area codes seem to come in handy when you meet someone like, in a singles bar. “Oh, you’re a 706?”, “615? Is that Nashville or South Pittsburg?”, “Do I have to dial a ‘1’ first?” (We won’t be needing those other seven digits after all.) But anyway, the same freedoms that enable you to work in one area code and live in another were determined by the same standards that elect our politicians—by majority vote. And whether or not your house is actually located in Chattanooga, the majority of you “live” in the Noog. Not Ooltewah, not Ringgold, not Cleveland or even “the Tennessee Valley”—but Chattanooga, TN. You come here to work in our big shiny office buildings. You come here to shop in our massive mall (the largest in Tennessee). And you come here to completely destroy our riverfront for an entire week each year during Riverbend. Face it, you live in Chattanooga. So, since we’ve established the fact that the majority of folks in this area spend say, roughly 75 percent of their time within the
“In fact, area codes seem to come in handy when you meet someone like, in a singles bar. ‘Oh, you’re a 706?’, ‘615? Is that Nashville or South Pittsburg?’” warm, safe confines of Chattanooga’s area code, then from now on we should be able to assume that everyone’s area code is “423” unless otherwise stated. If I only give you seven digits, don’t ask me, “Is that 4-2-3?” Assume it. I don’t ever remember giving out my area code until Chattanooga was assigned 423 back in the late ’70s or early ’80s because 615 was running out of numbers, or something of that nature. Businesses didn’t worry about making sure customers knew whether or not they were 615 or some other area code (like that was even possible). Everyone just assumed it was 615 unless otherwise stated. I wanna go back to those glory days. Some people like to dress up like George Washington or Abraham Lincoln to commemorate the Fourth of July. Some people like to sit in lawn chairs and watch colorful explosives. I just want to celebrate my freedom on this special American holiday by exercising my right to refuse. Down with 423, up with old-time assumptions! Chuck Crowder is a local writer and general man about town. His opinions are just that. Everything expressed is loosely based on fact, and crap he hears people talking about. Take what you just read with a grain of salt, but pepper it in your thoughts. And be sure to check out his wildly popular website www.thenoog.com
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ShadesOfGreen by Elizabeth Crenshaw
America’s Most Wanted Polluters M
ost everyone in the US is familiar with America’s Most Wanted, the television show featuring stories about dangerous criminals in hopes of bringing them to justice. The FBI has their “Most Wanted” list, with pictures of unkempt terrorists and others that commit crimes on a large scale. These are wellknown lists. But I was surprised to find that the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has its own “Most Wanted” list. To be added to this undesirable list, one has to have been charged with an environmental crime or violation and have avoided trial—usually by fleeing the country. These fugitives are a different lot from the internationally known murderers, drug dealers, and terrorists you might find browsing the FBI’s web page. “High-profile criminal” usually bring to mind images of scruffy people who look like they haven’t slept in days. But on the EPA’s most wanted site, most of the criminals are middleaged businessmen, and many of them are pictured wearing a white-collar shirt. One criminal is even wearing a suit and a pleasant smile in his mug shot. He looks like someone I might meet for a weekday lunch meeting. This particular fugitive’s name is Frerik Pluimers, and he is charged with conspiring to bribe Panamanian officials to secure a prime location for his company along the Panama Canal. Mr. Pliumer’s business, Saybolt International B.V, provides laboratory testing for petro chemicals—hardly an environmentally friendly substance. I wonder why he wanted to secure a facility along the canal. Was the bribe motivated by the desire for access to the river so his clients could dump waste illegally with ease? That sure would cut costs— disposing of hazardous material correctly no doubt adds hefty costs to the bottom line. Allegedly, Mr. Pluimers is currently hiding out in the Netherlands. Before his indictment, he was living in New Jersey, leading the operations for Saybolt in the western hemisphere.
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Shortly before his trial date, exCEO Denis L. Feron allegedly ran off to Belgium after being charged with conspiring to violate the Clean Air Act. Feron’s company, Chemetco Inc, operated a copper smelter in Illinois. Feron and six others were charged with building a secret pipeline from the facility into a Mississippi River tributary, through which pollutants like lead and cadmium were discharged. The men are also charged with lying to the EPA and the Army Corps of Engineers. If caught, they face prison time and fines in the millions of dollars. In 2003, closer to home in Nashville, father-and-son team Carlo and Allesandro Giordano were arrested for selling automobiles in California that violated the Clean Air Act. Their fines total more than $5 million. The two are believed to be living in Italy. Of course, some people who have committed environmental crimes have been caught. Larkin Baggett was taken into custody this past year, but not before putting up a fight. Along with his environmental crimes, Baggett was charged with assaulting police officers; he had eight firearms in his possession at the time of his arrest. Baggett was indicted on four felony counts of violating the federal Resource Conservation and Recovery Act and two felony counts of the federal Clean Water Act. Allegedly, he had been dumping waste from sulfuric acids, hydrofluoric and hydrochloric acids that
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were used to manufacture products his company sold. I find that often environmental crime isn’t intended to harm the public. That harm is just a by-product of making the easiest, cheapest decision. It’s choosing short-term profit over people and wildlife. Creating long-term, sometime irreversible, devastating consequences is just part of running the operation. Laws like the Clean Air Act protect us from these crimes and hold people like those mentioned above accountable for their actions against the environment—and us. When individuals dump lead cadmium into the Mississippi or knowingly sell cars that excessively pollute our air, they are harming people, not just plants and animals. I am grateful that our society has come to recognize environmental degradation a serious crime, but we still have progress to make, not only in the US, but also in other countries, especially the developing world. For more information on the EPA’s Most Wanted, visit www.epa.gov/fugitives Elizabeth Crenshaw is LEED accredited and works for EPB in Strategic Planning, but her views are her own. Originally from South Carolina, Elizabeth moved to Chattanooga after graduating from Warren Wilson College in 2007.
“Harm is just a by-product of making the easiest, cheapest decision. Creating longterm, sometime irreversible, devastating consequences is just part of running the operation.”
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MusicFeature by Hellcat
Vertigo: The Way to Go D
ue to a declining economy and a high pace of technology that leaves us constantly upgrading, the music industry has been hit pretty hard. That’s no secret. Most of us are jamming to our MP3playing iPhone or rocking out to our iPods, thus making CDs almost obsolete. It’s strange. I have CDs, don’t get me wrong, but they are mostly the mixes that I have made myself through burning the songs I’ve downloaded. I haven’t gotten around to getting an iPod adapter for my car yet, so technically, I am outdated. Most of the other CDs in my car are burned copies of my old favorites that I don’t mind getting scratched or they are local musician demos. I say this only to illustrate that the music industry has had to change its format to keep up with all of us and our new gadgets. This is becoming painfully clear to struggling artists who keep hoping for the golden ticket, or the record deal, to be offered.
click we can have a song on the interwebs for millions to hear, and with a little more effort we can make our own music video and YouTube it—after we post the link on MySpace, of course, and Twitter all of our friends to go check it out. So, what do we need? What can be offered to our talented generation of computer-savvy musicians? Well, let’s take a lesson from Vertigo, shall we? The Knoxville-based powerhouse of a band tours almost nonstop, therefore they definitely need a booking agent and a manager, which they have, and obviously effective ones, I might add. They have a publicist who sends out all of their promotional gear, and lines up their interviews and press. They have a few distribution hook-ups, as well, but with the amount of touring they do, even that aspect isn’t truly needed, as they bring the merchandise to you. Speaking of merch, this is also a very important avenue for the artists of today, as it is where most of the potential money can be made. People and fans can download your music in one way or another, whether it’s free or they agree to pay the 99-cents a song on CDBaby, but they cannot download or pirate a band shirt or some fancy pair of boy shorts. It has been my experience that most fans are more likely to buy a shirt than your brandnew CD. Odds are, they’ve already gotten the CD off of Soulseek. Vertigo has done all of these things correctly. They have gained impressive popularity and success in this seemingly impossible music market, by doing all the legwork themselves, and not waiting for a deal. Now, they don’t need a deal at all. They are a self-sufficient, self-supporting band, and the talent behind their act doesn’t hurt either.
“The bassist, Nathan Engels, does some amazing dance moves with his bass that I couldn’t do empty-handed, never mind while playing an instrument. He’s like a bass ninja.” If the truth is told, record deals, while they still sound neat are virtually useless. We don’t need major labels anymore to get our music out there. We don’t need our major labels telling us how and what to do anymore, as most of them are going belly-up anyway. We have MP3 recorders, self-mixers, a Mac book, and some wicked awesome burned software that allows us to record all of our own stuff. With a point and
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They have played a few times in this market through the years, and it is always an amazing show. I just wanted to point out their business plan, in case anyone needed proof that it works and it is not completely out of reach. Musically speaking, they are an alternative/indie/power-rock band that has more energy that most I have seen. Lindsay’s vocals are nothing short of impressive. She keeps my jaw on the floor, every show, the whole show. The bassist, Nathan Engels, does some amazing dance moves with his bass that I couldn’t do emptyhanded, never mind while playing an instrument. He’s like a bass ninja. If you think there was no such thing, well, I invite you to come see them at The Low Down this weekend. They will be playing with the increasingly popular Eris, which if you still haven’t seen, you should be ashamed of yourself, or stop pretending you like music. Seriously. Also, if you get a minute, go check out Vertigo’s MySpace page, then hit me up on Facebook, so I can Twitter what you thought about it.
Eris and Vertigo 7 p.m. Friday, July 3 The Low Down, 306 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 265-2171. www.myspace.com/thelowdownchatt
MusicCalendar
Send your calendar events to us at calendar@chattanoogapulse.com
Friday
Thursday
JJ Grey and Mofro, Blues Hammer 7 p.m. Miller Plaza, 850 Market St. (423) 265-0771. www.downtownchattanooga.org
Jonathon Parmley 7 p.m. Rumors, 3884 Hixson Pk. (423) 870-3003 Third Annual Patriotic Celebration 7 p.m. Memorial Auditorium, 399 McCallie Ave. (423) 642-TIXS. www. chattanoogaonstage.com
Karaoke 7 p.m. Rumors, 3884 Hixson Pk. (423) 870-3003 Karaoke with Wayne Hightower 7:30 p.m. Fireside Grill, 3018 Cummings Hwy. (423) 821-9898
Karaoke with Wayne Hightower 7:30 p.m. Fireside Grill, 3018 Cummings Hwy. (423) 821-9898
Slim Pickin’s with Butch Ross Blues, bluegrass and hammer dulcimer.
Nathan Farrow 8 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd #202. (423) 499-5055.
$5. 9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com
Channing Wilson 9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com
Eris and Vertigo Great bill with local upand-comers Eris and sizzling Vertigo (see Music Feature). 7 p.m. The Low Down, 306 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 265-2171.
Saturday
Sybaritic 8 p.m. Ziggy’s Hideaway, 607 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 634-1074. www.myspace.com/ziggyshideaway Open mic hosted by Shawnessey Cargile 9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878.
Standing Room Only 9 p.m. The Tin Can, 618 Georgia Ave. (423) 648-4360. Downsteam 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. Camp Normal, Breaking Vegas 10 p.m. Rhythm and Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. Blues Hammer 10 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. Moonlight Bride, Land Camera 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. DJ Spicolli Raw Sushi Bar & Nightclub, 409 Market Street, (423) 756-1919.
Sunday Tension Head 8 p.m. Ziggy’s Hideaway, 607 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 634-1074. myspace.com/ziggyshideaway
Summer Music Weekends featuring New Binkley Brothers Noon. Rock City Gardens, Lookout Mtn., GA. (706) 820-2531.
Night of the Wolf, Black Skies, Blood Cow, Forest Magic 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400.
Hudson K, Hannah Miller 12:30 p.m. Chattanooga Market, First Tennessee Pavilion, 1826 Carter Street. (423) 648-2496.
Karaoke 7 p.m. Rumors, 3884 Hixson Pk. (423) 870-3003
Stop-N-Stare 9 p.m. The Tin Can, 618 Georgia Ave. (423) 648-4360. wwwthetincanchattanooga.com
Open Mic w/Jeff Daniels 4 p.m. Ms. Debbie’s Nightlife Lounge 4762 Highway 58, (423) 485-0966.
Gotta admit we picked this one because the name is so out there.
Karaoke with Wayne Hightower 7:30 p.m. Fireside Grill, 3018 Cummings Hwy. (423) 821-9898
Captain Crunk 9 p.m. The Low Down, 306 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 265-2171.
Orlando’s psychedelic Strangers Family Band orbits JJ’s.
No cover. 10 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. myspace.com/marketstreettavern
Richard Smith 8 p.m. Charles & Myrtle’s Coffeehouse, 105 McBrien Road. (423) 892-4960.
DJ Spicolli Raw Sushi Bar Restaurant & Nightclub, 409 Market Street, (423) 756-1919.
$7 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia
Tuesday
Wednesday
Ben Friberg Trio 7 p.m. Table 2, 232 E. 11th St. (423) 756-8253.
Ben Friberg Trio 6:30 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market Street, (423) 634-0260.
Summer Music weekends featuring New Binkley Brothers Noon. Rock City Gardens, Lookout Mtn., GA. (706) 820-2531. seerockcity.com/summermusic Dana Rodgers 6 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd #202. (423) 499-5055.
The Flynts Dangleberry
Monday Karaoke 9:30 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com H-Beam 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia The Palms at Hamilton 6925 Shallowford Road, Suite #202, (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com Fireside Lounge 4021 Hixson Pike, (423) 870-7078. Lucky’s 2536 Cummings Highway, (423) 825-5145.
Open Mic Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike, (423) 266-1996. The Handshake Murderers, Architect, Syrens, more 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd., East Ridge. Dr. Steelo 9 p.m. The Low Down, 306 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 265-2171. STAND (talk about Chattanooga), Ex Norwegian, The Piano Plays Itself 10 p.m. Free. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. myspace.com/jjsbohemia
Mindy Smith with Butch Ross 8 p.m. Rhythm and Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com The Micks 9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com Open mic with Matt Bohannon 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. DJ GOP The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd #202, (423) 499-5055.
Strangers Family Band, Indian Friend
Irish Music 6:30 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike, (423) 266-1996. The Molly Maguires 9 p.m. The Low Down, 306 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 265-2171.
Editor’s Pick: Featured Event Of The Week JJ Grey & Mofro with Blues Hammer Like Florida’s state flower, the orange blossom, musician JJ Grey’s songs are fascinating, beautiful, and complex. Both are products of the same ground: the rich, fertile and ancient soil of the Sunshine State. Funkadelicize your bad self with the masters, after cooling out with opener Blues Hammer. Friday, July 3 Free. (part of Nightfall) 8 p.m. Miller Plaza, 850 Market St. (423) 265-0771. downtownchattanooga.org
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NewMusicReviews Kronos Quartet Floodplain (Nonesuch) It’s easy to forget that Kronos Quartet, the string ensemble formed more than 35 years ago by violinist David Harrington, got its first big burst of attention from its re-imagining of Jimi Hendrix’s “Purple Haze” in the mid-’80s. The reason it’s easy to forget is that the quartet has done so much since then, coming from a classical music perspective but with an open mind. The members are seasoned performers who have played hundreds of commissioned works, and they’re advocates of modern classical music and overlooked forms from just about every continent. They also distinguish themselves by often releasing albums with a theme, such as their tribute to R. D. Burman’s Bollywood soundtracks or their dark, war-themed album Black Angels. The quartet’s latest album, Floodplain, is no exception, with a unifying concept that might not be obvious, especially since the music within originates from diverse lands, such as Serbia, Turkey, and India. The explanation provided is that these areas border water and can experience catastrophic flooding, but from such tragedies, there can be a fertile resurgence. Floodplain begins with the slithering Egyptian composition “Ya Habibi Ta’ala (My Love, Come Quickly),” with an alluring habanera rhythm and nimble, intersecting melodies, and it’s followed by the mysterious “Tashweesh,” with synthetics and sparse beats provided by the Palestinian trip-hop group Ramallah Underground. With room to unfurl over twelve minutes, “Getme, Getme (Don’t Leave, Don’t Leave)” has some arresting vocals from Azerbaijani vocalist Alim Qasimov and his daughter
Black Moth Super Rainbow Eating Us (Graveface)
The big news with the latest Black Moth Super Rainbow album, Eating Us, is that the elusive Pittsburgh group teamed up with producer Dave Fridmann (known for his work with the Flaming Lips and as a member of Mercury Rev) for its first high-fidelity full-length release, and this is apparent from the first number, “Born on a Day the Sun Didn’t Rise,” with a drumbeat abruptly cutting in and out, leaving stark blank spaces underneath the opening electric piano patterns. However, apart from the clear recording, there are no dramatic departures for the band—the song
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Fargana and ends with disorder and uncertainty. The closing piece, “…hold me, neighbor, in this storm…” by Serbian composer Aleksandra Vrebalov, is sprawling and unsettling, working best when it conjures a difficult maelstrom. To be honest, the album didn’t quite grab me the right way upon first listen, but on subsequent listenings, I realized that the key to my own listening enjoyment was to not concentrate on necessarily tying this music together conceptually, nor to expect authenticity. It’s transportive music, to a degree, but there’s a nagging disconnect because of the spotless clarity of the recording, that doesn’t exactly suggest more harsh environments. Appreciate, instead, the expertly performed arrangements with an exploratory spirit that’s fruitful more often than not, amid waves of musical turbulence. — Ernie Paik
strategies will be familiar to fans, many of whom were drawn in by the fantastic 2007 release Dandelion Gum. First and foremost, there are the analog synths—gleefully weird, somewhat nostalgic of the time when Moog synths changed the musical landscape. Add some trippy drum beats, both real and artificial, with a hint of a contemporary tug to them. Then, those vocals hit you: those glorious, fey, somewhat robotic, Vocoder-treated vocals, singing about the sun and the odd side of nature with more than a touch of psychedelia. If anything, Black Moth Super Rainbow is kind of like an earthy version of the French electronic duo Air, especially on tracks like “Gold Splatter,” which has a mellow, sauntering pace, acoustic guitar strums, and synth strings that come in at the right moment. It’s followed by another highlight, “Iron Lemonade,”
marked with tubular bell sounds that provide a sort of sobering side to the colorful playfulness. Black Moth Super Rainbow takes pleasure in certain moments—having pastoral flourishes, like banjo notes on “American Face Dust,” among the heavy electronics, or having the android voice sing hippie poetry; it’s somewhat endearingly reminiscent of the scene in 2001: A Space Odyssey where HAL 9000 breaks down and starts singing “Daisy Bell.” The album sounds like it was meticulously tweaked so that each note has the right timbre, and even the distorted drums on “Tooth Decay” sound like they were distorted with care. The group is maintaining a holding pattern with this new album; those who enjoyed Dandelion Gum will likely enjoy this, but without some new ideas, the band might overstay its welcome. — Ernie Paik
Solution To Last Week’s Puzzle
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Free Will Astrology CANCER (June 21-July 22): The ancient Chinese sage Lao Tse said, "People of the highest caliber, upon hearing about Taoism, follow it and practice it immediately. People of average caliber, hearing about Taoism, reflect for a while and then experiment. People of the lowest caliber, hearing about Taoism, let out a big laugh." Now substitute the words "your splashy new ideas" for "Taoism" in Lao Tse's quote and you'll have your horoscope for this week, Cancerian. For added punch, remember what he said in another context: "No idea can be considered valuable until a thousand people have laughed at it." LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Nietzsche's dictum might be useful for you to keep in mind right now, Leo: "If it doesn't kill you, it'll make you stronger." Since I'm very sure that the turbulent waters through which you're navigating will not kill you, I'm looking forward to all the ways this journey will upgrade your confidence and enhance your power. But there's more to be gained, beyond what Nietzsche formulated. It's also true that if it doesn't kill you (which it won't), it will make you wilder and kinder and smarter and more beautiful. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): According to my projections, you will not, in the coming weeks, meet a dark, secretive stranger who'll play you like a violin. Nor will you be lured to the warehouse district after midnight to pick up the "missing stuff." And I highly doubt that you will be invited to join a cult that's conspiring to seize political power following the events of December 21, 2012. No, Virgo. Your fate is far more mundane than that. In fact, it's more likely that you will soon meet a bright, forthright stranger who will play you like an accordion. You will be drawn to a convenient location at midday to pick up the "missing stuff." And you will be invited to become part of a group that has the potential to play a significant role in your quest for meaning in the coming years. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): For years, I've remembered most of my dreams every night, so I'm good at spotting trends. And one of the themes that has arisen recently involves you Libras. Last week, I dreamed that three of my Libra friends were pole vaulting at the Olympics. Four nights ago, I dreamed that my two favorite Libran astrologers were rappelling up a skyscraper. Last night, I dreamed that four Libran celebrities—Mahatma Gandhi, Gwen Stefani, Sacha Baron Cohen (a.k.a. Borat), and Kate Winslet—climbed a gold ladder to a cafe on a cloud where they drank magic coffee that made wings sprout on their backs. So what's going on? Is my subconscious telling me that it's prime time for you to raise your expectations and upgrade your goals? Do my dreams mean you should rise above the conventional wisdom and rededicate yourself to your loftiest ambitions? What do you think? SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Spiritual epiphany alert! Uncanny revelations imminent! Hope you don't mind being awoken in the middle of your regularly scheduled life by a special delivery from the Great Beyond. Yes, my cute little bundle of rumbling feelings and psychic sensitivities: It doesn't matter if you're a true believer or an unrepentant infidel—you will soon be invited to have one of your logical certainties torn out by the roots and replaced with a throbbing vision of cosmic whoopee. Brace yourself for the most pungent fun you've had since your last mudwrestle with the angel. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): While appearing on the TV show I'm a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here, ex-pro basketball player John Salley gave some advice I'd like to pass along. "When you see crazy coming your way," he philosophized, "you should cross the street." I do think crazy will be headed in your direction sometime soon, Sagittarius, and the best response you can make is to avoid it altogether, preferably in a way that it doesn't notice you. That's right: Don't shout at crazy, don't bolt away ostentatiously, and certainly don't run up and give crazy a big hug. There are far better ways
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By Rob Brezsny
JONESIN’
By Matt Jones
“Additive Properties” –you're giving me a headache.
for you to gather in your fair share of intriguing mystery; I'd hate to see you get bogged down in a useless, inferior version of it. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Everyone wants an extra piece of you these days, and they don't necessarily care about how it will affect you. So beware of emotional manipulation, subliminal seduction, and the temptation to believe in impossible promises. To make matters more extreme, I suspect you may be secretly pleased that everyone wants an extra piece of you—and might be tempted to conspire in your own dismantling. Let me propose a compromise. How about letting three trustworthy people—no more—take an extra piece of you? And be very certain that they have enough self-control to know when to stop taking. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You're almost never one brick short of a load. Know what I'm saying? Your elevator almost always goes all the way to the top floor. Rarely, if ever, do I have to warn you against playing with a deck of 51 cards. So I hope you don't be offended when I say that it's time to find that missing brick and service your elevator and buy a new deck. In other words, you're due for your 40,000-mile check-up. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): magic (ma' jik), n. 1. A mysterious event or process that seemingly refutes the known laws of science. 2. A willed transformation of one's own state of mind. 3. A surprising triumph that exceeds all expectations. 4. Something that works, though no one understands why. 5. The impossible becoming possible. 6. "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." (Arthur C. Clarke.) 7. A quality predominant in the lives of Pisceans during the period July 1 through July 20, 2009. ARIES (March 21-April 19): Time to diversify your energy sources, Aries. It’s as if you’ve grown too dependent on oil—metaphorically speaking— and have neglected to develop relationships with wind turbines, solar panels, natural gas, and other mans of generating power. What if in the future— metaphorically speaking—oil becomes scarcer or wildly expensive? And what if, over the long haul, its byproducts degrade your environment? I suggest you start now to expand the variety of fuels you tap into. It’s a perfect moment to adjust your plans for your long-term energy needs. TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Your mirror may lie to you this week. A friend might neglect to share a crucial detail. Even pets and heroes and normally reliable suppliers might not be completely there for you. Fortunately, I expect that secondary sources will come through. Other people’s mirrors may reveal a clue you haven’t been able to find in your own. An acquaintance could step forward and do a convincing impersonation of a friend. And a previously overlooked or unknown connection might become your own personal wellspring. Moral of the story: If you’re willing to be flexible and forswear all impulses to blame, you won’t be deprived of what you need. GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Having discovered I can read the minds of animals, I’ve started a new sideline as a ghostwriter. Here’s an excerpt from an interview I did with Prestige, a potbellied pig born under the sign of Gemini. Brezsny: What do you like best about being a potbellied pig? Prestige: I'm greedy but cute. I get to eat like a pig, yet not be victimized by the negative judgments people usually project onto pigs. Brezsny: Is there anything you're worried about? Prestige: I need to make my caretaker understand that for the next few weeks we Geminis will need more than the usual amounts of food, love, presents, praise, attention, everything. Brezsny: Anything you'd like to say to my Gemini readers? Prestige: Don't let anybody make you feel guilty for wanting what you want. Homework: Send testimonies about how you've redeemed the dark side to: Sex Laugh, uaregod@ comcast.net
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Across 1 One of a pair of fairy tale brothers 6 Thing: abbr. 9 Eat 13 Fable payoff 14 Like some vaccines 16 In the thick of 17 Where you may get your “Get Fuzzy” fix, e.g. 19 Subterfuge 20 The Bible’s Enos, relatively speaking? 22 Outdoor goods retailer 23 Champagne buckets 24 British ship that shares its name with a New York “village” 31 Jon’s dog 32 Swearing-in words 33 Snake that killed Cleopatra 36 Former name of the airport in Phoenix, Arizona 41 2009 “American Idol” finalist Rounds 42 Do an athletic taboo 43 Shakespearean king 44 NASA OK 48 “Chasing Pavements” singer 51 Company that reported a $61.7 billion loss in 2008 52 “I’m fine with it” 58 1970s hairdo 59 Coke’s competitor to Pepsi’s Mountain Dew
62 “___ Our Thing” (Booker T. & the M.G.’s album) 63 It’s given when being bratty, slangily 64 Islamic ruler: var. 65 Like some cheeses 66 Chemin de ___ (card game) 67 Dietary restriction that the long answers manage to disregard Down 1 Big inits. in trucks 2 Friend of Tigger 3 “The Joy of Cooking” author Rombauer 4 Mansion worker 5 Mid-1990s Boston Celtics coach 6 “My mistake” 7 Speak highly about oneself 8 Jaromir who helped the Penguins win the Stanley Cup in 1991 and 1992 9 Feature of “Christmas” or “chimera” 10 Play the jester 11 Sun-blocking hat 12 Perfect places 15 Thompson of “Back to the Future” 18 Captain Hook’s righthand man 21 Not, in Germany 24 “___ and Other Poems” (Allen Ginsberg
collection) 25 DCCLI doubled 26 Flower box location 27 After-haircut styler 28 Intrusive: var. 29 Shake your tail 30 “Give ___ rest, will you?” 33 Blows away 34 ___ paneer (Indian cheese dish) 35 Firestarter 37 Keeps the engine running 38 MSN competitor 39 Base cops 40 “Slippery” tree 44 M&M’s flavor 45 E!’s “The Daily Ten” cohost Catt ___ 46 One of the Jackson 5 47 “Adoration” director Atom 48 Carne ___ 49 Dashboard heater setting 50 Weirder than weird 53 Clock reference for the BBC World Service: abbr. 54 Egg, in French cooking 55 Merrie ___ England 56 Sticky note 57 K-6, in some districts: abbr. 60 Guitar maker Paul 61 moveon.___
©2009 Jonesin’ Crosswords (editor@jonesincrosswords.com) For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle #0421.
AskAMexican by Gustavo Arellano
Remembrance of Things Wab Dear Mexican, Looking back recently on my distant youth in northwest Ohio, I came to the realization that the sweetest, most beautiful girl this gabacho ever went out with (indeed, in my entire senior class) was the pureblooded daughter of Mexican immigrants. Am I under the sway of 1) simple nostalgia; 2) racist exoticism; 3) premature senility; 4) a deep sense of loss for what might have been? Please help, before I start reading Proust! — Couldn’t Help Wondering Dear Gabacho, None of the above. Face it: you fucked up. Era the real deal. Now, go drown your mistake in bottles of Sauza (rotgut tequila; you don’t deserve the amber heaven that is Herradura), put on the Pedro Infante, and weep like a good macho. After that, find her on Facebook and say what’s up. Dear Mexican, I used to look forward to reading you, but a previous edition of your column beguiles me to express my disdain. A guy asked why so many young Latinos grab their dick, quote rap and don’t embrace their own culture. Here was your chance to speak out about something that LULAC, MALDEF, and every other farce of a Latino voice out there should have already done and rip Mexican youth a new one for loving black culture. I don’t know how old you are,
but blacks had their shot. Abolishing slavery, civil rights, just to name a few big ones. They have made great advances. But, at the same time, any young or old pendejo can see that they also suck. Leading in incarceration, HIV infection rates, abortion rates, low school testing scores, adoption candidates. These are facts since we started keeping score. So here is this older, confused Chicano who wants you to perhaps help inform the young Latino flock of sheep so as to stop this edification and false idol worship and you turn it into our (Latino and black) struggle! Wake up, pendejo: they had their chance; it’s our turn. Why do you think (the Mexican’s note: he goes on to ramble for a couple hundred more words, so now we jump to the conclusion)? Are you politically scared? Do you want to stick to funny? Or are you, I think, like the misguided “I love to suck black cock” sheep of dumb America? — Dewey del Diablo Dear Readers, I print this letter as educational experience. Dewey wrote it a couple of years ago, so may it give hope to the thousands of you who have sent in preguntas and contact me months later wondering if I’ll ever answer it. Patience, gente: patience. I will, but make like legal immigrants and wait your turn in line. Dewey is a racist Mexican pendejos—his “facts” are as laughable as those created by
FAIR, but I’ll let negrito bloggers debunk them—so may this show Mexican apologists that we can dish the hate as good, if not worse, as Know Nothings. Best yet, Dewey actually introduced himself to me at a Houston book signing last year with the best possible compliment: “You’re like the Bible, man. I hate you, but I can’t stop reading.” Want to hurt me, Know Nothings? Don’t write to me. Every time ustedes do, it’s further proof that the Reconquista not only is real, it’s HILARIOUS. Dear Mexican, Explain to me, por favor, why Latinos (including Mexicans and Chicanos, but not Guatemalans) are the most superior baseball players on the planet? Is there some sociopolitical conspiracy going on here? — Latino Umpire Laughing At Caucasians
“Put on the Pedro Infante, and weep like a good macho. After that, find her on Facebook and say what’s up.”
Dear LULAC, Seems to be steroids. Thank God that the most notable baseball players past and present of Mexican descent—Fernando Valenzuela, Ted Williams, Nomar Garciaparra, Evan Longoria—achieved their greatness through sandlot baseball, college programs, or a steady carne asada diet. Ask the Mexican at themexican@ askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, find him on Facebook, Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433
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