The Pulse - Vol. 6, Issue 48

The Digital Divide

Here We Go Again

by Damien K. Power

FREE • News, Views, Arts & Entertainment • November 26, 2009 • Vol. 6 - Issue 48 • www.chattanoogapulse.com • pulse news 95.3 WPLZ

President Jim Brewer, II

2009

Publisher Zachary Cooper Contributing Editor Janis Hashe News Editor Gary Poole Calendar Editor Kathryn Dunn Advertising Manager Rhonda Rollins Advertising Sales Leslie Dotson, Rick Leavell Leif Sawyer, Townes Webb Contributing Writers Gustavo Arellano, Rob Brezsny Chuck Crowder, Michael Crumb Hellcat, Joshua Hurley Victoria Hurst, Matt Jones Ernie Paik, Stephanie Smith Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D. Alex Teach, Colleen Wade Joe Wilferth Editorial Intern Tara Morris Copy Assistant Bryanna Burns Art Director Kelly Lockhart Art Department Sharon Chambers, Kathryn Dunn Josh Lang, Damien Power

cover story

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ontents

11 THE DIGITAL DIVIDE: HERE WE GO AGAIN

By Damien K. Power We live in a society where we’ve got access to this amazing technology, so long as we’re willing to pay for it.

However, since the Internet is slightly more advanced than rubbing two sticks together, you also need to have a basic understanding of how it works.

feature stories

Staff Photographer Damien Power

18 GIVING MUSIC THANKS

Editorial Cartoonist Rick Baldwin

By Hellcat I suppose, since it’s the Thanksgiving issue, and I am making an early deadline for the occasion, I will put my two cents towards thanking some of my favorite musicians for giving me some great sounds.

Contact Info: Phone (423) 648-7857 Fax (423) 648-7860 info@chattanoogapulse.com Calendar Submissions calendar@chattanoogapulse.com Advertising advertising@chattanoogapulse.com The Pulse is published weekly and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publishers may take more than one copy per weekly issue. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors.

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20 GOING THE EXTRA YARD

By Kelly Lockhart At least once a year, one of the major studios trots out a sports-themed film featuring an athlete (or a team) overcoming the odds to emerge triumphant in the end, preferably with a stirring score to send you out of the theater feeling good about life in general.

24 GRACE ALIGHTS AT THE BRIDGE 1305 Carter Street Chattanooga, Tennessee 37402 Letters to the editor must include name, address and daytime phone number for verification. The Pulse reserves the right to edit letters for space and clarity. Please keep letters within 500 words in length.

The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on culture, the arts, entertainment and local news.

Member

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AL G D e NU IN TAN Puls AN OK S he LO ND in T YO k

NOVEMBER

By Michael Crumb The recent installation of Daud Akhriev’s bronzes “Spring” and “Summer” at the Market Street Bridge (south end) presents an invaluable aesthetic achievement.

26 JUST BLOODY GOOD

By Colleen Wade Open the door at 334 Market Street to the Hair of the Dog pub, and you’ll feel like you have just stepped into a neighborhood pub in Manchester, England.

news & views 5 9 14 22 29 30

PULSE BEATS SHRINK RAP LIFE IN THE NOOG ON THE BEAT SHADES OF GREEN ASK A MEXICAN

everything else 4 4 5 6 6 16 19 21 25 28 28

EDITOON LETTERS TO THE EDITOR CITY COUNCILSCOPE POLICE BLOTTER THE LIST MUSIC CALENDAR NEW MUSIC REVIEWS NEW IN THEATERS A&E CALENDAR FREE WILL ASTROLOGY JONESIN’ CROSSWORD

Cover illustration by Nikolay Kropachev.

Editoon

by Rick Baldwin

Letters to the Editor Real Gun Safety In reading and listening to the various news reports about the Nashville judge who, without any apparent knowledge of either the state or national Constitution, overturned the so-called “guns in bars” law, I think the media needs to look at how they choose to represent the law.

Everyone focuses on “bar” in that statement and lets the mental image of some drunk biker pulling out his .45 and shooting at the ceiling.

What people do not visualize is the single mother taking her two children out to a family restaurant to celebrate them getting A’s on their report card, but then having to leave her handgun in the car and getting mugged upon leaving the restaurant. The law does not allow you to drink and carry but to carry where there is alcohol. It’s truly a “guns in restaurants” law, and applies ONLY to those with valid carry permits.

James Burns Meeting Inconvenience Chattanoogans accept that their government has exclusive public meeting times. Why? The city’s “citizen” groups overwhelmingly meet at times inconvenient to regular folks at odd weekday hours before 5 p.m. Because these meetings are

more convenient to people with profit or political motives, Sustainable Chattanooga can no longer conscientiously invite the public to those meetings.

Notice how the City/County Planning Commission meets to rezone our neighborhoods at 1 p.m.

Rezoning notification signs aren’t legally required. Developers “notify” us with cryptic legal ads. Who is representing you on “citizen” groups?

We must organize in our defense. If we don’t participate in our democracy, we’ll continue to see our power slip into the hands of those who do.

Lana Sutton More Love For Alex Teach?

I’ve come to realize something about Alex Teach. I have no reason at all to like his material, as he has stated he hates almost everything that I love and am as a person. However, his work is so funny and his statements are so true, that I can’t help but passionately fall for his one-liners and outrageous statements. Keep up the entertaining work!

Joshua Sargon Chuck Crowder Off The Mark I don’t think there’s a more quintessentially American band than the Beach Boys [“We’re An American

Band”, Life In The Noog]. In their heyday, they rivaled the Beatles in both commercial and critical success. Today, they continue to exert a tremendous influence over the alternative rock community.

Brian Wilson invented a “mythical” California/American experience that continues to resonate with songwriters and listeners as well. Not to take anything away the bands you’ve mentioned (I love all those bands), but the biggest issue I can find is that their influence may be primarily in the attitude they passed on rather than sound.

Brian King

Send all letters to the editor and questions to info@chattanoogapulse.com We reserve the right to edit letters for content and space. Please include your full name, city and contact information.

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Pulse Beats

Quote Of The Week: A rundown of the newsy, the notable, and the notorious...

Announcing City Share Lunch Speaker Series ChattanoogaStand is launching City Share, a speaker-based lunch series focused on finding creative solutions to community issues, that will act as an enhancement to the visioning effort’s weekly planning meetings.

The City Share series is presented as a feature of “We Stand,” a pop-up civic engagement laboratory designed in partnership with CreateHere.

City Share was created to continue the dialogue that began with four simple Stand survey questions, expanding it into a much broader community conversation.

Each session will feature a guest speaker, someone who has been instrumental in enacting creative solutions to issues in their own community—who’ll be visiting via video chat. After the speaker shares the story of their struggles and successes, participating Chattanooga citizens will break up into small groups to discuss their thoughts and reactions to the topic.

“An informed public is a powerful thing,” says campaign coordinator Katherine Nielsen. “It is our hope that the City Share series will serve as a curriculum for emerging leaders in our community.”

Sessions include: • December 2: “Gov 2.0” featuring Ben Berkowitz, founder and CEO of SeeClickFix. • December 16: “Visioning in Real Time” featuring Russell Stall, executive director of Greenville Forward.

• January 6: “Collectives and Collaboration” featuring Justin Langlois, founding member of Broken City Lab. All sessions take place noon-1 p.m. at CreateHere, 55 E. Main Street.

City Share is free and open to the public. For more information, visit either www.createhere.org or www. chattanoogastand.com.

Continuing the Fight Against HIV/AIDS Though it is no longer in the daily headlines, every nine minutes, someone in the world gets infected with HIV. This year’s local World AIDS Day event will be held at Pilgrim United Church of Christ, at 400 Glenwood Drive on Tuesday, December 1, 2009 at 6 p.m., with food, entertainment and keynote speakers. Organizers state, “While we remember those we have lost, we will celebrate those who have survived and continue to live with HIV and AIDS.” This will not be a faith-based service or event.

Volunteers and committee members of CHACP (Council for HIV/ AIDS Care & Prevention) have initiated a plan to create a local AIDS Quilt. The first section of the proposed quilt will be on display at the World AIDS Day Celebration. Invitations are extended to anyone who would like to prepare additional panel sections, remembering a lost friend or loved one. The goal is to construct an “AIDS Quilt of Remembrance,” which the Council hopes to display at future events.

“In the Wild West days of Dodge City you had to check your guns at the town limit, so you would think in the 21st century common sense would tell us we should not allow guns in bars.”

—Nashville Chancellor Claudia Bonnyman in ruling that the controversial “Guns in Bars” state law was unconstitutional.

“You can do your part by coming out to support the World AIDS Day event, and this holiday season, why not purchase a gift for a friend or loved one, where all the money will go to a HIV/AIDS Fund?” say organizer.

To get involved in this project, contact: CHACP, P.O. Box 4757, Chattanooga, TN 37405.

Looking for Jesus The Asher Love Gallery in St. Elmo is currently seeking submissions from photographers, filmmakers, video artists and multi-media artists for a unique exhibit featuring imagery and ideas about the baby Jesus—but get your work in quickly, as the submission deadline is November 27. Literal, conceptual, political and abstracted views are welcome.

Say gallery owners, “From the most reverent to totally random, we aim to produce an unusual and compelling group show while capturing a sense of the season in rather unexpected ways. The exhibit will represent a diverse selection of artists who are working with photographs and/ or moving images as their primary medium. Transfers, Polaroids, video mashups, and other digital media applications are encouraged. “ While the show’s theme is stated, the exhibit is strictly nondenominational. For submission information, e-mail asherlovegallery@gmail.com.

The Sweet Baby Jesus Show Reception date: Thursday, December 3, 5:30- 8:30pm Asher Love Gallery, St. Elmo Building, 3914 St. Elmo. (423) 822-0289.

Here is one of the more interesting agenda items set to be discussed at the December 1 meeting of the Chattanooga City Council.

6. Ordinances – First Reading:

a) An ordinance to amend Chattanooga City Code, Part II, Chapter 32, Section 32-178 relative to the Standard Street Numbering and Addressing Policy for the City of Chattanooga, and to amend Chattanooga City Code, Part II, Chapter 32, Article IX, relative to street names.

This ordinance, which was deferred back on November 17 for more review, deals with how to make street names and numbers in Chattanooga more coherent and easier for emergency services.

Everyone who has ever received the wrong mail can understand that having a street, an avenue, a court, and a trail all with the same name is not only confusing for letter carriers by for police, fire and medical folks as well.

Yet, while changing some street names and renumbering other streets may indeed be necessary, it’s not going to be without some aggravation for the people affected.

The Chattanooga City Council meets each Tuesday at 6 p.m. in the City Council Building at 1000 Lindsay St. For more information on the agendas, visit www.Chattanooga.gov/City_ Council/110_Agenda.asp

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A weekly roundup of the newsworthy, notable and often head-scratching stories gleaned from police reports from the Chattanooga Police Department, the Hamilton County Sheriff’s Office, the Bradley County Sheriff’s Department and the Dalton Police Department.

Top Seven Holiday Television Specials 1. A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965) One of the first—and undoubtedly the greatest—of all holiday television specials can still hold children and adults spellbound despite its technical shortcomings.

2. Dr. Seuss’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966) Millions of children have delighted in the Grinch’s bumbling villainy; the rest of us just pretend the big-budget film version never existed.

3. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964) The longest-running Christmas special in the history of television, each year’s showing gets strong ratings despite the show’s availability on home video.

4. Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town (1970) Considered by some to be the greatest work of Rankin/Bass (greater even than Rudolph), this take on Santa’s origins continues to enthrall viewers.

• For years now, the Blotter has pointed out the best tool law enforcement has is the general stupidity of the vast majority of criminals. In yet another example of “Can you make my job as a cop any easier?”, an officer spotted a young lady with a known record for theft walking down Poplar Street carrying a black bag. When he asked her what was in the bag, she said it was her mother’s computer. When asked to describe the model and age of the computer, she said it a several-yearold Dell. Which was odd, since the laptop turned out to be a four-month-old Compaq. The officer confiscated the computer and told the young lady that her mother was more than welcome to stop by the police station and pick her computer up. So far, the mother has yet to reclaim her “property”.

• Speaking of stupidity, which genius thought it was a good idea to play chicken with a police car on a deadend road? Yet that’s just what hap-

• With the holiday season upon us, a lot of people will be traveling to the Scenic City to visit relatives or one of our many holiday attractions. Unfortunately, far too many of these visitors will become victims of vehicle breakins. What we here at The Pulse would like to remind everyone is to make sure not to leave anything valuable in your car. Just this past week, residents on Hickory Trace Circle reported two break-ins that led to the loss of a GPS unit, a silver bracelet and a digital cam-

Chattanooga Street Scenes

5. A Muppet Family Christmas (1987) Remains compelling to viewers for its yuletide warmth and because it brings together characters from all the different Muppet properties.

6. Bing Crosby’s 1977 Christmas Special (1977) Well remembered today for bringing Crosby together in a duet with David Bowie, representing a changing of the guard from the old to the new.

7. Frosty the Snowman (1969) The first Rankin/Bass special to use traditional animation, Frosty continues to be a lighthearted favorite of children at Christmas.

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pened last week over on Wesley Drive when a trio of suspected drug dealers got boxed in by police and tried to ram a sheriff’s patrol car. Fortunately for the good guys, patrol cars are much tougher than the 2001 Mercury the suspects were driving. After arresting the three demolition-derby wannabes, detectives found narcotics valued at approximately $20,000 in the vehicle along with a loaded firearm. All three suspects were booked into the Hamilton County Jail on narcotics-related charges as well as firearm possession.

The officer and his canine partner were uninjured in the collision.

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era. A visitor staying at a Brainerd Road motel had her laptop computer stolen out of her vehicle. Over on Belmeade Avenue, a briefcase was snatched from a Caddy, while on Mountain Creek Road, a young lady had her purse, sorority bag and two school books stolen from her car. The best thing to do is keep your car clean and uncluttered inside, so that thieves will move on to a more attractive target.

• And for the second time this month, Bradley County deputies have caught a burglar right in the act. A resident on Lee Drive heard what they described as a “commotion” next door and called the sheriff’s department. Deputies quickly arrived, and found that a window airconditioning unit had been pulled out.

When they entered the house to investigate, they found a 26-year-old inside holding a digital camera. During questioning, the homeowner arrived and identified the camera as having been taken from the house. The young thief was arrested and charged with aggravated burglary and theft and will likely become a prime source of amusement for his fellow inmates.

Photography by Damien Power

11th Street inadvertant urban art.

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Shrink Rap

Homo for the Holidays

By Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D www.DrRPH.com Editor’s Note: This is one of our readers’ favorite Dr. Rick columns. So back by annual demand:

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“The human condition is such that it’s easier to maintain the status quo than it is to rock the boat in an attempt to create healthy change. Old habits die hard with us humans, and while it may be better to forgive, it’s also harder.”

Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga, and is the author of “Empowering the Tribe” and “The Power of a Partner.”

f you are someone who adores spending intimate, quality holiday time with your family, sitting around the Thanksgiving table with siblings, in-laws, aunts, uncles and assorted others, raise your drumstick high!

Count your blessings because you may well be among the fortunate minority.

My best friend in California is like that. She has a terrific family. Sure, there’s an occasional affair or divorce scandal thrown in now and then for color. Or a young male cousin eschews the family business for a life in the theatre. But through ups and downs, they form a very loving (and fun-loving) clan.

Once a year all the women go on a shopping, partying, beaching weekend, while all the men go on a camping, golfing, hunting-andgathering weekend. Outsiders are welcome at their holiday tables, and there’s always a gift under the tree with my name on it.

But I don’t hear of too many stories like theirs. Partly because of my line of work, but also because I don’t think a lot of families genuinely get along so well. Too many unresolved issues and unspoken rivalries. Prickly histories. Big pink elephants in the middle of the room that no one talks about. A colleague once said to me that the term “dysfunctional family”

is a redundancy, and I’m apt to agree.

Let’s face it: There’s a degree of dysfunction in every family. Why? Several reasons: There’s no such thing as perfect parenting. Adult children screw up. Addictions happen. Illness and death take their psychological toll. And the human condition is such that it’s easier to maintain the status quo than it is to rock the boat in an attempt to create healthy change. Old habits die hard with us humans, and while it may be better to forgive, it’s also harder.

If you’re the black sheep of your family with, for instance, political, spiritual, sexual, or other leanings that diverge from the “accepted” clan rules—some spoken and some not—then you probably know how it feels to be the outsider. Sure, maybe as a kid you had great fun spending summers playing volleyball and croquet in Grandmother’s back yard.

But now maybe you’re the one they roll their eyes over. Maybe you’re the one who married out of your race or religion.

Or maybe you’re the one who’s gay.

Every family has ’em. Every single family. Read that again: Every.

Single. Family. You may not know who for sure, but you have your suspicions. Scurry around the limbs of your family tree for a closer look, sweep aside your denial and you’ll find them. And you know, for an unaccepted or closeted gay person the holidays can be an exercise in prolonged agony. Fielding endless questions from Aunt Grace about when you’re going to find a nice girl (lesbians read: nice boy) to settle down with. Enduring Uncle Hank’s homophobic jokes and cringing as

your loved ones, your clan, laugh.

Politically you’re miles apart, and sometimes you can’t believe you come from these people. You’re from gay Pluto and they’re from Mars-a-phobia and you’re a galaxy away from seeing eye to eye on anything. So you drink more spiked punch, scarf down more tryptophan, and silently count the minutes till you’ve served your sentence.

Know anyone for whom this may be true? Someone you love and care about perhaps? Could you unknowingly be putting your son or daughter, niece or nephew through this? Because I gotta tell ya: a shocking number of families do. One thing that has become very clear to me since moving to the South is the tremendous struggle over “the gay thing.” Gay folks are struggling for understanding from their loved ones, and loved ones are struggling to reconcile their feelings for their own kin, with the beliefs they are taught from (some) pulpits. It’s hard. And there aren’t easy answers. But there are questions for you to ask yourself.

Are you an accepting person? A loving person? Someone open to opening the envelope a bit wider?

This Thanksgiving, here’s my advice for you, whether you be gay or non-gay. Be thankful for your brain, and think hard about how your words and deeds affect others. Be thankful for your sage inner voice, and come from a place of compassion every chance you get. Be thankful for whoever is in your clan, and let them know it—often and without hesitation. Break bread, pass the yams, and raise a glass in honor of each and every person at your table, without prejudice.

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Cover Story

The Digital Divide: Here We Go Again

By Damien K. Power

A long, long time ago, Ug make fire.

Ug pondered the ramifications of his discovery, and was faced with several choices. He could share fire with his village, ensuring that because his village had access to this groundbreaking technology, they could advance and prosper. He could brandish his discovery as a weapon, grasping short-term power in exchange for eventually dying at the hands of proletariat revolutionaries. Or he could exchange his discovery for sex and booze, placing himself and those who could afford his technology in an elite social circle that excludes those without access.

Ug was convinced he was a visionary, and he probably went with option B, whereupon he met his fate from Grog, who had invented the spear.

Believe it or not, that is only a dramatization of how the discovery of fire went down, but the lessons of that parable have been reflected in the periods of scientific discovery going back as long as civilization itself. Now we’re right back in the thick of things with our new form of fire: The Internet.

The Interwebtubes Let’s frame the subject. We (Americans) live in a society where we’ve got access to this amazing technology, so long as we’re willing to pay for it. However, since the Internet is slightly more advanced than rubbing two sticks together, you also need to have a basic understanding of how it works.

If you are, for example, incredibly rich, but 85 years old, you probably don’t understand why they attached a typewriter to your television (this is a massive generalization). If you are, for example, struggling to feed your family, then the $100 per month that our local cable broadband Internet provider wants might well be too much to afford.

The problem comes when society advances without bringing everyone else along for the ride. Here’s a quick homework assignment for you: Run out to your nearest mega-corporation, and fill out a paper application for a job in high-level management. Now, sit by your phone indefinitely, because there’s no way in hell you’re getting that job.

Of course, this is Chattanooga, and the only thing that matters is who you know, but that’s beside the point. “Get a job, ya bum!” is being replaced by “Go online and get a job, ya bum!” If you don’t have access to this technology, you have just been transported to Charles Dickens’s England, and you’re asking the mean orphanage lady if you can have some more porridge.

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Cover Story Of you’re a “have-not,” when it comes to technology, you are in a position in which every day it becomes harder to become a “have.”

Poor people can’t get richer, because they can’t afford access to the tools they need to not be poor anymore. That’s the digital divide. (Again, a massive generalization).

There is also a movement in our society that refuses to embrace this new technology. They happily call themselves “Luddites”, named for English textile workers who opposed the “cultural and socio-economic changes” associated with the Industrial Revolution, according to my friends at Wikipedia. Things went poorly for them (executions and whatnot), so now it’s generally accepted that it’s not a good thing to be on the wrong side of any technological divide.

When it comes down to it, progress is happening, and you want to be in the village that has both the spear and the fire.

Living Off the Grid Have you ever seen movies with the roguishly handsome mid-’20s guy who “lives off the grid?”

At first it seems kind of cool, but eventually he has to turn to some sort of technology to overcome a problem he’s having. Like cholera.

That’ll mess up your day. Off-the-grid guy chooses to not embrace technology because he’s afraid of it / threatened by it / too cool to be a nerd. Sure, that crap could fly back in the ’90s, when the Internet was young, but now you might as well buy a belt-buckle hat and move to central Pennsylvania.

Some people in our community—and around the world don’t get the choice. They live off the grid because the gates to get on have a very expensive admission fee. Sadly, it’s also really expensive to move to Finland, where the government decided it was every citizen’s legal right to have at least 1MB broadband. That’s not the fastest Internet on Earth, but when your goal is the gaining of information, it gives you everything you need.

When it comes down to it, information is what the Internet is all about. Whether it be Google, or Wikipedia, or ChattanoogaPulse.com, having unfettered access to information gives you an advantage over someone who doesn’t.

Is Technology Becoming More Accessible?

No…at least in terms of affordability. Way back in 2000, at a panel hosted by the White House, Microsoft’s Bill Gates said, “The pace of technological change and the indispensable nature of its contribution to 21st century prosperity have changed our lives and the lives of people around the globe.” He continued by saying, “They are so critical that they impose upon us an obligation to work together to ensure that the incredible potential of new technology embraces everyone.”

He’s completely right, which is one of the reason so many programmers from around the world are working so hard to replace his Windows operating system with a free, open system called Linux. Unless you’re an avid videogamer, there is no longer any real reason that we should still be paying for our operating systems.

On the other, other hand, Windows 7 just came out, Mac users just shelled out $100

“Some people in our community—and around the world don’t get the choice. They live off the grid because the gates to get on have a very expensive admission fee. Sadly, it’s also really expensive to move to Finland, where the government decided it was every citizen’s legal right to have at least 1MB broadband.”

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for a patch called “Snow Leopard,” and both Microsoft and Apple will make billions this year.

Furthermore, office productivity software, such as Word and Excel can be easily replaced by an open source system called OpenOffice. Just to be clear, no, Linux and OpenOffice aren’t as good as Mac OS and Microsoft Office, but they are free.

That’s a price we all can afford, especially those without any access to technology at all.

Interestingly enough, one of the best ways we could provide technology to those on the other side of the digital divide would be the most environmentally intelligent option as well.

Recycling computers currently means having their parts stripped out, melted down, and turned into paperclips (for the most part). Because of the sensitive nature of trade secrets, corporations spend millions every year ensuring that their outdated machines are never used again. Mind you, all that information they’re worried about exists solely in the hard drives (or the RAM, if you’re the NSA), meaning they trash 95 percent of the usable parts in those computers.

Again, no, a five-year old computer isn’t good.

It’s not fast, you can’t play “World of Warcraft” on it, and you might even have to wait a minute for your porn to load. But if you’re a struggling student, a small-business owner or elderly, a slow computer running free and open software is considerably better than not having a computer at all. In the case of Windows Vista, you’re probably even coming out ahead.

I am, of course, talking about real-world applications of technology access, not theoretical possibilities. Yes, that student can get access

Cover Story

at the library—all he needs to do is not be 12 and locked up at home waiting for his mom who works three jobs to come home at midnight before shipping him off to pre-school daycare that doesn’t have a computer every day.

Additionally, the small-business owner can run right out to the computer store and reinvest his earnings back into his company, you know, once the economy turns around. When he actually has earnings. Hopefully. One day.

Porn guy, you’ll find a way. You always find a way. Creep.

Howard Besser, Co-Director of the UCLA/ Pacific Bell Initiative for 21st Century Literacies (and beard aficionado) says that the gap for Internet access is narrowing. He’s looking at it from the academic standpoint, but he’s right. “Statistics show that this access gap is rapidly narrowing—from increased numbers of connected computers in homes (Jacobs 2000), to increased numbers of community centers and libraries offering local access points (Bertot & McClure 2000). In 1999, 95 percent of public schools had Internet connections (NCED 2000).”

The thing to keep in mind is that his paper is titled, “The Next Digital Divides” and he identifies the divides as Information Literacy (the subject I’ve been harping on for the past 1,000 words), Appropriateness of Content (which includes a lack of local content, meaning clearly he hasn’t heard of ChattanoogaPulse.com), Access to Content (which is only getting worse according to my friends at the Electronic Frontier Foundation), and the efforts of the United States Department of Commerce to create a new market of digital product consumers, while neglecting the

creation of producers.

America’s real favorite pastime is repeating her mistakes, and we’re making the same mistakes we made with cars, televisions and clothing.

We’ll all buy it, but we only want a select few to make it, and it’s OK if someone else makes it.

We’ve learned to put all our eggs in one basket, and allow our government to write protectionist legislation. That’s where the telegraph, typewriter and abacus industries went wrong.

The Electronic Frontier Foundation is like the ACLU of digital rights, a comparison that probably makes them want to kill me dead. So, instead, let’s say they’re the Consumer Reports of digital rights. They identify companies and industries working hard to restrict the rights of consumers like you and me to maximize their profitability, without the burdensome expense of innovation and customer service. Sometimes the EFF even takes on Uncle Sam, because he occasionally wants to make laws so you can’t listen to music you bought on a CD on your iPod. There was something called “The Constitution.” This was once an important document, a user’s manual, if you will, of how

to run America. Article 1, Section 8 of that Constitution reads like this, “To promote the Progress of Science and useful Arts, by securing for limited Times to Authors and Inventors the exclusive Right to their respective Writings and Discoveries.”

Now, for some reason, that just doesn’t sit well with some people. After all, things have changed since 1776, and our founding fathers (according to some) couldn’t foresee that the future would contain such things as “Music”, “Art”, or “Knowledge.” So some industries have been working hard to ensure that the word “limited” has the “un-“ prefix attached to it.

This isn’t a digital-age concept. Heck, you can go all the way back to Betamax (Sony Corp. v. Universal City Studios, 464 U.S. 417 (1984)) to see that content producers have been trying to dictate how we use their products. I imagine the initial meeting at Universal went something like this, “People want to ‘tape’ their shows and watch them when it is ‘convenient?’ ABSURD! They shall watch the shows when we tell them to!”

Every single time, their knees jerk incredibly hard, and they fight the new, innovative way to provide their products to the people. Every time, they eventually realize how incredibly stupid they were, and instead find a way use innovation for mutual benefit (see TiVo, iTunes & Hulu). It’s time to promote innovation above short-term profitability. After all, once everyone had fire, we started doing rather well for ourselves.

This is the End—or the Beginning Right here in Chattanooga, there are a handful companies that are recycling old machines to be resold. The ironic part is that these machines (or their parts) are put on eBay, or sold with a prohibitive markup. Hamilton County recycles machines as well, although I couldn’t tell you what they do with them. There’s a need in our community for extremely affordable machines, and extremely affordable Internet access. I don’t have the guts to fill out paperwork for a 501(c) (3), but I’d surely volunteer to help rebuild old computers for those on the wrong side of the divide. I’m an IT director—electronic necromancy is what I do. So, I ask you this, can we come together to bridge this gap? Can we take the lessons of the past and make a better future? You bet we can. Eventually.

“A five-year old computer isn’t good. It’s not fast. But if you’re a struggling student, a small-business owner or elderly, a slow computer running free and open software is considerably better than not having a computer at all. In the case of Windows Vista, you’re probably even coming out ahead.”

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 11.26.09 The Pulse

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Life In The Noog

When You Gotta Go,You Gotta Go

By Chuck Crowder

T

“By all means, don’t pause when it’s your turn holding the door open to finish said conversation with that person behind you. Get in there! It’s GO time!”

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his weekend begins the holiday party season and living on the Southside means getting invited to all kinds of events held in abandoned warehouses and other facilities not generally darkened by large numbers of revelers all at one time. And while that kind of atmosphere can be much cooler than a traditional party space, there are some basic conveniences that fall by the wayside in exchange.

One modern-day, take-for-granted nicety that suffers under the shroud of hipdom is bathroom facilities. Once you cram 200-300 people into a space with one toilet for men and one for the ladies, the line to get in can be as long, perpetual and exclusive as the velvet rope of a hot New York nightclub at midnight. Impossible.

What’s more, because it’s a party, those standing in line with legs discreetly crossed are generally bored with the whole process and are therefore preoccupied either staring at the opposite sex’s line, checking themselves out in anything shiny or chatting up whoever is in front or behind them during the prolonged absence from the dance floor. Because, like with any other task we nervously anticipate completing, the waiting is the hardest part.

I’m big on bathroom line etiquette.

It’s just basic common sense that those with more immediate access to proper waste downloading facilities should respect the biological needs of

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those behind them. Sure, you’ve been waiting there for a while, catching up with all of the other bystanders, but you’ve got to pay attention to the matters at hand. It’s only proper that you move up in a timely and orderly fashion as the line progresses. And by all means, don’t pause when it’s your turn holding the door open to finish said conversation with that person behind you. Get in there! It’s GO time!

Girls have it tough—and at the same time make it tough on each other. If anyone is going to hold up a bathroom line for their own personal, selfish reasons it’s a girl. Whether they enter in teams to gossip about some dude who hasn’t been paying attention to them or take a few extra minutes to cake on another layer of war paint, they can make matters even more unbearable for the poor girls stuck outside.

Countless times I’ve witnessed the female kind remain poised in the on-deck circle when’s it clearly batter up and continue a conversation without any regard for those peers having to wait an extra five minutes on their behalf. What’s worse is that few girls behind them will actually speak out against them, choosing instead to inflict the same evil eye normally reserved for a boyfriend who’s either late or half-heartedly endorses whatever garment choice is in question.

I’ve also witnessed girls who will sacrifice their position in line for the sake of something— anything—deemed more important than satisfying their own burning, pseudo-involuntary bodily function.

If Sally comes up crying, if Janie comes up dancing, if meathead

comes up flirting, if an outfit needs complimenting, a drink needs refilling, a group of friends runs up for an “OMG heeeeeeeyyyyyy!!!!!” hug—whatever the case—when her attention is required at all, a girl will forfeit her place in line as if she was queuing up for a unwanted flu shot. If I live to be 100, I’ll never understand that philosophy.

Guys have it pretty easy. If we don’t like the looks of the play at the line of scrimmage, we can immediately call an audible and head for the closest dumpster, tall vehicle or unlit outdoor corner. Sure it’s unsanitary, but it’s likely much better than causing your bladder irreversible damage by holding in the by-product of your last four beers for an undisclosed period of time.

We’ll also take advantage of any plumbing available once inside a public restroom. Sinks, showers, floor drains. Hey, drastic times call for drastic measures. Plus, if we can move four men through the process in half the time, then we’ve eliminated the potential need for outdoor urination.

And that’s probably good for the environment (although I’m not up on my fertilization facts). Regardless, it’s the reason why our line is always shorter than the girls’.

So next time you find yourself in line for the loo, take heed of your immediate station in life—and do the right thing.

It’s just good karma…

Chuck Crowder is a local writer and general man about town. His opinions are just that. Everything expressed is loosely based on fact, and crap he hears people talking about. Take what you just read with a grain of salt, but pepper it in your thoughts. And be sure to check out his wildly popular website www.thenoog.com

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 11.26.09 The Pulse

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Music Calendar Thursday Spotlight

ThanksGiving Sound Wall with Jucifer, Chooglin, and Oxxen.

Be thankful for metal music and the right to “choogle”. $7 9 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-1400. myspace.com/jjsbohemia

Thursday, Nov. 26 Husky Burnette 8 p.m. Champy’s, 526 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 752-9198. www.champyschicken.com Dead Levy 8 p.m. T-Roys Roadhouse, 724 Ashland Terrace.

Open Mic 8 p.m. The Riverhouse, 224 Frazier Ave. (423) 752-0066.

Butch Ross 8 p.m. Rock Cty, 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mountain. www.seerockcity.com Open Mic Night 9 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Channing Wilson 9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com Georgia Scruff 9 p.m. Northshore Grille, 16 Frazier Ave. (423) 757-2000. www.northshoregrille.com Nathan Farrow 9 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202.

(423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com Jucifer, Chooglin and Oxxen Thanksgiving Wall of Sound 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia Dave Matthews Tribute Band 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644.

DJ ScubaSteve Fox and Hound Pub & Grille, 2040 Hamilton Place Blvd #150. (423) 490-1200.

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The Pulse 11.26.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com 95.3 Pulse News

Friday Spotlight

DJ Lucky Lucky’s, 2536 Cummings Highway, (423) 825-5145.

Friday, Nov. 27 Mike McDade 11:30 a.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9043. www.mudpierestaurant.com Ogya, Cadillac Saints, Molly Maguires, Rayons, Unsatisfied and More 3 p.m. Riverhouse Pub, 224 Frazier Ave. (423) 752-0066.

Sweet Georgia Sound 7 p.m. Ross’s Landing, 100 Riverfront Pkwy. chattanoogadowntown.com Dave Pope 7:30 p.m. The Foundry, 1201 Broad St. (423) 424- 3775. www.chattanooganhotel.com Tim Hughes Quartet 7:30 p.m. The Original Blue Orleans Restaurant, 3208 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 629-6538.

The Oak Ridge Boys Christmas Show 7:30 p.m. Memorial Auditorium, 399 McCallie Ave. (423) 757-TIXS. www.chattanoogaonstage.com Got Mercy 8 p.m. Rock Cty, 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mountain. www.seerockcity.com Husky Burnette 9 p.m. Rhapsody Café, 1201 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-3093.

Kevin, Chaz, and Tim 10 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1966. www.tremonttavern.com Blueshammer, Fearful Symmetry 10 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com The Breakfast Club 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com Ramble Horse 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

Jeremy Leslie Band 10 p.m. T-Bones Sports Café, 1419 Chestnut St. (423) 266-4240. www.tboneschattanooga.com Downstream 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878.

Four Years of Heat with ToneHarm 10:30 p.m. Northshore Grille, 16 Frazier Ave. (423) 757-2000. www.northshoregrille.com DJ Spicolli Raw Sushi Bar Restaurant & Nightclub, 409 Market Street, (423) 756-1919.

DJ GOP The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd #202, (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com

Saturday, Nov. 28 A Path Less Traveled, Awaken The Dawn, Every Word a Prophecy, Show The Fight 6:30 p.m. Club Fathom, 412 Market St. www.clubfathom.com Matt Turnure Trio 7 p.m. The Original Blue Orleans Creole Restaurant, 3208 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 629-6538.

Roger “Hurricane” Wilson 8 p.m. Charles & Myrtle’s Coffeehouse, 105 McBrien Rd. www.christunity.org SkiQueen, KRRS24, Matt B, Slug Disciple 8 p.m. Ziggy’s Hideaway, 607 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 634-1074 myspace.com/ziggyshideaway Kararoke 8 p.m. Rhapsody Café, 1201 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-3093.

Dave Pope 8 p.m. The Foundry, 1201 Broad St. (423) 424-3775. www.chattanooganhotel.com Sweet Georgia Sound Combo 8 p.m. Rock Cty, 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mountain. www.seerockcity.com DJ GOP 9 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton,

4 Years of Heat With Toneharm Work off that turkey & celebrate four years of Toneharm. $5 10 p.m.

Northshore Bar and Grille, 16 Frazier Ave. (423) 757-2000. northshorebarandgrille.com 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202.

(423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com Husky Burnette 9 p.m. Champy’s, 526 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 752-9198 www.champyschicken.com Hegarty and The Young 9 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Open Mic Night 9 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9043. www.mudpierestaurant.com BlackTusk and Bring The Witch 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia Subway Mars 10 p.m. T-Bones Sports Café, 1419 Chestnut St. (423) 266-4240. www.tboneschattanooga.com Jack Planet 10 p.m. Riverhouse Pub, 224 Frazier Ave. (423) 752-0066.

Channing Wilson, Davey Smith and Friends 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com DJ Spicolli Raw Sushi Bar Restaurant & Nightclub, 409 Market Street, (423) 756-1919.

Sunday, Nov. 29 Open Mic w/Jeff Daniels 4 p.m. Ms. Debbie’s Nightlife Lounge 4762 Highway 58, (423) 485-0966. myspace.com/debbieslounge

Music Calendar

Send your calendar events to us at calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

Saturday Spotlight

Channing Wilson, Davey Smith, and Nathan Farrow.

Giving thanks to snakeskin boots, truck-driving women, and PBR. $10 10 p.m.

Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com Irish Music Sessions 6 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1966. www.tremonttavern.com Jim Brickman: Beautiful World Christmas 8 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5050. www.chattanoogaonstage.com Mobile Deathcamp 8 p.m. Ziggy’s Hideaway, 607 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 634-1074 myspace.com/ziggyshideaway Mountain Meadows 8 p.m. Rock Cty, 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mountain. www.seerockcity.com Open Mic 8 p.m. Gene’s Bar & Grill, 724 Ashland Terrace, (423) 870-0880. myspace.com/genem14 Computer and Friends with DJ Dust and DJ Gambit 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia DJ GOP The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202, (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com

Monday, Nov. 30 Old Tyme Players 6 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260.

Monday Night Big Band 7 p.m. Lindsay Street Hall, 901 Lindsay St. (423) 755-9111.

DJ at the Palms 8 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202.

(423) 499-5055.

Sunday Spotlight

Davis & South Pittsburg Elemenat 8 p.m. Rock Cty, 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mountain. www.seerockcity.com

Tuesday, Dec. 1 Renae, Love Begotten 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd. myspace.com/warehousetn The Ben Friberg Trio 7 p.m. Table 2, 232 E. 11th Street, (423) 756-8253. www.table2restaurant.com Billy Hopkins & Friends 8 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Spoken Word/Poetry Night 8 p.m. The Riverhouse, 224 Frazier Avenue, (423) 752-0066

Campbell High Orchestra 8 p.m. Rock Cty, 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mountain. www.seerockcity.com Channing Wilson 9 p.m. Spectators, 7804 E. Brainerd Rd. (423) 648- 6679.

Open Mic with Hellcat 9 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919.

Jonathan Wimpee 9 p.m. Northshore Grille, 16 Frazier Ave. (423) 757-2000. www.northshoregrille.com Open Mic with Mike McDade 9 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1966. www.tremonttavern.com Karaoke 9:30 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 4999878. www.budssportsbar.com Fire Zuave 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

Editor’s Pick of the Week

Toys for Tots Benefit at Riverhouse Pub Eight local bands, including Eddies of the Wind, Cadillac Saints, Ogya, The Rayons, Nick and the Dragon Slayers, The Molly Maguires, The Unsatisfied, and Megan Davis come together for an all-day music event to support Toys for Tots. Stop by, drop off a toy or donation, and bring the kids to see some amazing music and a wonderful view on your way to The Illumination.

Friday, November 27 Cash or unopened gift donation for Toys for Tots 3 p.m.

Riverhouse Pub, 224 Frazier Ave. (423) 752-0066.

Deathcamp Mobile Todd, formerly of GWAR, remembers his roots in this “war horse” trio. Turn it up to 11... $5 7 p.m.

Ziggy’s Hideaway, 607 Cherokee Blvd.

(423) 634-1074. myspace.com/ziggyshideaway DJ ScubaSteve Fox and Hound Pub & Grille, 2040 Hamilton Place Blvd #150, (423) 490-1200.

DJ GOP The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd #202, (423) 499-5055.

Wednesday, Dec. 2 Tim Lewis 6 p.m. Big River Grille HP, 2020 Hamilton Place Blvd.

(423) 553-7723. www.bigrivergrille.com Ben Friberg Jazz Trio 6:30 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market Street, (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Outbreak, Soul Control, BruteForce, Late Night Rage, Crossed, In Time 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd. myspace.com/warehousetn Ben Friberg Trio 7 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Husky Burnette 8 p.m. Rhapsody Café, 1201 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-3093.

Hixson High Orchestra 8 p.m. Rock Cty, 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mountain.

DJ GOP The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd #202, (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com Send your calendar events to calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 11.26.09 The Pulse

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Music Feature

Giving Music Thanks

By Hellcat

I

suppose, since it’s the Thanksgiving issue, and I am making an early deadline for the occasion, I will put my two cents towards thanking some of my favorite musicians for giving me some great sounds to add to my life soundtrack.

I am going to go ahead and own up to some of my younger musical interests, regardless of street cred. One of my earliest memories of being with my father is of rocking out to oldies on the 8-track and listening to Wolfman Jack. I would dance and jump around, belting out Roy Orbison and the Everly Brothers. I remember being amazed by their twopart harmonies.

I have to also thank my dad for introducing me to Motown. I knew every word to every Temptations and Four Seasons song, as well as the Beach Boys, who were my first concert when I was six. So—thanks, Dad. There is a blurry little stage of my life where I tried to follow the lead of my big brother and got wrapped up in some Hank Williams Jr., Charlie Daniels, and some Skynard.

“Thank you for touching my life, and building a pretty amazing soundtrack.”

Yeah, that’s right. I said it. That was more of my brother’s thing, but his introduction led me to the lyrics of legendary badasses, George Jones and Johnny Cash. When the early ’90s came around, I rejected the country roots and fell into the grunge movement with every ounce of passion I had. I wore baggy men’s clothing; at least one flannel, a thermal shirt, and corduroys. Remember those?

I loved Nirvana, Stone Temple Pilots, Hole, The Smashing Pumpkins, and Radiohead. Ah, Radiohead—there is a band that I think literally changed my DNA. Thank you, Thom York. Thank you for being the tiny little genius you are. From

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there, I became a little jaded, (like ya do) and went a bit darker. I tasted from the depths of Nine Inch Nails and early Marilyn Manson, before finding a sweet little niche that seemed to fit me pretty well: punk rock.

Wow. I remember discovering punk rock. It was like a wonderful hidden treasure, and I didn’t want to share it with anyone! Well, I take that back…I shared it with other kindred spirits, but was very protective of the musical secrets of the Vindictives, Screaching Weasel, The Descendants, Circle Jerks, Operation Ivy, Lagwagon, Jawbreaker, Suicidal Tendencies, Dead Kennedys, Against Me!, and The Teen Idols, just to name a few. Thank you, punk rock and punk rockers, for teaching me how to better use my middle finger and spit with a vengeance.

For my part, in a very elusive and inclusive group, I am thankful. I think at times, in a lot of ways, as we are forming our identities, there are pivotal moments when music can truly influence you and who you become. I think that punk rock coming into my life as a teenager made me care a lot less about what people thought, and to do as I chose to do. Granted, some of the things I chose to do were a bit on the wild side; but I think it helped me to be the free spirit I am today. It was when I got more into Shellac, Big Black, and Rapeman that I truly experienced what it was like to street fight.

While I no longer even dance fight, I can say that there are fleeting moments when I miss it.

Somewhere in the overlaps, I picked up a few angry or brooding chick acts, like Ani Difranco, Veruca Salt, Bikini Kill, and Fiona Apple, and I am sure there are at least one or seven guys out there that got smacked on account of a lyric or song that resonated in my head, and for that I am sorry, but you probably deserved it. By deserved it, I mean, never saw it coming.

When I got to college I was all over the place, and after working at Media Play for years, I had quite the music collection. However, I was not prepared for all of the wonders that were awaiting me. I fell in love with swing dancing and all the horns that came with it. I went back to the classic Rat Pack, and then spiced it up with a little bit of Royal Crown Revue,

The Pulse 11.26.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com 95.3 Pulse News

Big Bad VooDoo Daddy, and Lee Presson and the Nails. Of course, I added some rockabilly, with Reverend Horton Heat, Deke Dickerson, and the Flaming Flattops.

The music matched my nightlife, as there was a big swing scene in Knoxville at the time. From there, I slipped and fell into indie rock. Pavement, the Unbelievable Truth, Modest Mouse, Built to Spill, The Shins, Belle and Sebastian, and the list never ended. It continues and will play out through the rest of my life. However, there has always been a very fervid part of me that adores local music.

Dixie Dirt awakened that love inside of me, and it’s been pouring out ever since. There are far too many to name, but thank you for playing your heart out.

For all the artists and bands I’ve listed, and for all the ones I’ve forgotten to mention, thank you for touching my life, and building a pretty amazing soundtrack. To my readers: Who are some musicians you’d like to thank? Let me hear it.

New Music Reviews Devo Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo!

(Warner Bros.)

“It was made before the group’s transformation into a synth-pop outfit, so it’s actually driven by guitars and acoustic drums, with electronics appearing only at choice times.”

Forest Magic Is Energy (www.myspace.com/forestmagic) Jimi Hendrix’s distorted rendition of “The StarSpangled Banner” at Woodstock was famously controversial, and some critics heard it as an anti-war or even anti-American statement. However, as Hendrix clarified in an interview with Dick Cavett, he wasn’t purposefully being irreverent; he explained, “I thought it was beautiful.” Similarly, a jazz purist who listens to the live debut album from the Swedish/French outfit Peeping Tom (not to be confused with the Mike Patton band), full of unorthodox takes on jazz standards, may accuse the outfit of

It’s hard to fight accusations of being a novelty band when you’re wearing rubber wigs and plastic dome hats, singing ironic ’60s covers, and spreading the idea of “deevolution,” which says that humans are regressing and actually getting dumber, not smarter. But Devo’s early-tomid period output (up to New Traditionalists from 1981), has held up over the years, with the band’s unrepentantly weird debut album Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo! being the finest of the studio releases, in this writer’s opinion.

It was made before the group’s transformation into a synth-pop outfit, so it’s actually driven by guitars and acoustic drums, with electronics appearing only at choice times. It’s intentionally soulless, particularly with its brilliant cover of “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction,” sounding like some mechanized contraption with staccato vocals. It’s odd to know that this album was produced by Brian Eno and recorded at Krautrock legend Conny Plank’s studio in Germany, and there’s a cold quality to the recording that is actually appropriate.

The latest reissue of Devo’s 1978 album presents a great-sounding remastered version, with the dynamics left intact, avoiding the all-toocommon (and usually regrettable) use of dynamic compression to update an album for modern-day listeners. As a generous bonus, a live version of the entire album is also included, from the group’s London performance earlier this year in May,

as a participant of the All Tomorrow’s Parties’ “Don’t Look Back” concert series. There are a few sound issues, notably some distracting feedback on the centerpiece of “Mongoloid” and “Jocko Homo”; however, the band sounds engaged, and there’s enough of a spark (particularly, with Mark Mothersbaugh’s vocals) for the listener to share the excitement of that evening.

The group seems content to perform the album live without many embellishments, so there aren’t big surprises here; generally, some of the more subtle sonic details of the original album are left out, and when an instrument emerges, like the keyboard part on “Come Back Jonee,” there’s no mistaking its entrance. One striking aspect, though, is an abrasive guitar sound that comes out swinging at times, particularly on “Too Much Paranoias.” This live version is hardly essential, but it’s not a step backwards; therefore, it doesn’t exactly make a case for de-evolution, but arriving over three decades after the studio album’s release, it does make a case for Devo being an enduring band. — Ernie Paik

murdering the classics. The group, a trio of talented musicians all in their twenties, actually has a deep appreciation for bebop, tackling numbers from the likes of Charlie Parker and Thelonious Monk with nods to free jazz and a penchant for using extended techniques.

There are fleeting moments with snippets of recognizable themes played by alto saxophonist Pierre-Antoine Badaroux, but generally, the players are apt to run around in all directions. It only takes ten seconds for the opening track, Charlie Parker’s “Koko,” to urgently dive into a harsh grinding sound, made by Joel Grip on double bass, and after thirty seconds, Badaroux erupts into sax squawking. The delivery features a constant jittery motion and propelling intensity, and at times, Grip plays the bass so hard that the strings clatter against the fingerboard. The next track uses three Thelonious Monk numbers, marked by the use of wispy string harmonics and Antonin Gerbal’s ADHD-stricken drumming, which seems

to decisively use no coherent rhythm for more than a few seconds at a time.

An oddball track, nestled among the rapid-fire numbers, is an enigmatic take on Parker’s “Mohawk,” which stretches its arms and doesn’t feel a need to fill every space with volume. However, the key to understanding the intentions of the album arrives at its very last track, a roaring, fluid cover of “Donna Lee” (by Parker and Miles Davis), which has a similar approach to the rendition made

by Anthony Braxton, the unconventional saxophonist and composer. Braxton aficionados are reminded of his own tribute, Charlie Parker Project, which actually shares three Parker numbers with this Peeping Tom album. It would be incorrect to dismiss the fireworks display of File Under: Bebop as being irreverent.

In fact, it actually has reverence on two levels: for the original bebop sources, and also for nonconformists like Braxton who radically re-imagined that material.

— Ernie Paik

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 11.26.09 The Pulse

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Film Feature

Going The Extra Yard

by Kelly Lockhart

I

t has become almost a Hollywood cliché, the feel-good sports movie. At least once a year, one of the major studios trots out a sports-themed film featuring an athlete (or a team) overcoming the odds to emerge triumphant in the end, preferably with a stirring score to send you out of the theater feeling good about life in general and the triumph of the human spirit in specific.

The vast majority of these movies are as forgettable as a late summer baseball game between two teams with no hope of making the playoffs.

Unless you’re a fan of the team or a certain player, no one really remembers what happened during the game.

Then there are the films that transcend the triteness and merge into the collective movie consciousness, such as Bull Durham, Breaking Away, Brian’s Song, Rudy, Hoosiers and the immortal Rocky. These films take the standard sports-film formula and delve into the deeper relevance of inner personal strength, never giving up, and overcoming all odds to become a success both on and off the field.

So I can be forgiven for approaching the new Sandra Bullock star vehicle The Blind Side with a bit of skepticism. The trailers, although promising, did not give me much hope that it would be more than a way for Bullock to move from reliable romcom star into Oscar bait. Add in the casting of country superstar Tim McGraw and the inner cynic that resides in the hearts of most film reviewers was thinking, “Nice way to market to middle America”.

Then I watched the movie.

The strongest sports movies all tap into the oftderided desire to believe in the goodness of our fellow man. The belief that hard work and sacrifice actually mean something, even as so many of us toil in cubicle-filled offices moving pieces of useless paper from one stack to another in the vain hope

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that someday, somewhere, we will be able to make a difference in the world.

That maybe we, too, if only for a brief moment, could overcome our own odds and bask in the adulation of an adoring public (or at least the jersey-clad fans in the stands).

The Blind Side taps into all that and delivers at a level that makes the Oscar talk for Bullock not mere fodder for the People Magazines of the world, but a worthwhile discussion among serious film fans. Taking on the role of the already larger-than-life Leigh Anne Touhy (who has become a celebrity in her own right with her delightful, no-nonsense promotion of the film) Bullock makes her not only believable and relatable to audiences, but convinces us that we, too, can become as good and as strong-willed as the real-life Touhy.

The film is based on a true story (and, from all accounts, stays very true to reality), centering on young Michael Oher, a teenager from a broken home with a troubled past who dreams of one daying playing in the NFL. He ends up being taken in by the Touhys and given the chance to enroll in a private school in Memphis. Oher, portrayed with great skill and believability by Quinton Aaron, has no real family, no friends to speak of and is extremely introverted. In fact, for most of the film, Aaron barely speaks at all, which works very effectively.

I won’t spoil the film for you by telling you that, yes, the love and support of the Touhys help him achieve his goals, along the way helping them become better people. That much is obvious from the trailers. What makes the film worth watching—even if you aren’t a sports fan—is the

The Pulse 11.26.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com 95.3 Pulse News

deeply emotional performances by Bullock, Aaron, and—McGraw. The list of country musicians who have successfully made the jump to Hollywood is sadly quite small (with the glowing exception of the amazingly talented Dwight Yoakam), but McGraw embodies the role of father figure and back-seat husband with surprisingly ability.

Is this movie a tear-jerker? You bet. Is it an uplifting tale of the triumph of the human spirit?

Absolutely. Will it touch on all the clichés of past sports movies? Not only yes, but in doing so reinforce why those themes became clichés in the first place, because when they work, they work beautifully. Will you remember this film after you leave the theater? Certainly. But whether it will enter into your consideration as being added to your list of the best sports movies of all time is something that remains to be seen.

Just as long as you also include Caddyshack on your list. That’s all I ask.

The Blind Side Directed by John Lee Hancock Starring Sandra Bullock, Tim McGraw, Quinton Aaron Rated PG-13 Running time: 2 hours, 8 minutes

New in Theaters Fantastic Mr. Fox With the holiday season in full swing, studios far and wide are rushing out the annual slate of family-friendly films (or at least what Hollywood thinks is family friendly). Some, like Planet 51, are obviously lowbudget films better suited to future DVD purchase to keep kids amused when their PlayStations go on the fritz. Others, like The Princess and the Frog, are targeted firmly to the under-12 audience and are just as much about merchandising as the film itself. Then there comes a film like Fantastic Mr. Fox. From the directorial mind of Wes Anderson, who brought us Rushmore, The Royal Tenenbaums and the superlative Bottle Rocket, combined with the rich imagination of author Roald Dahl, audiences are treated to a familyfriendly film that entertains child and adult equally well, and is not based around how many plush toys can be sold during the next month. And the voice cast shines here—one can just imagine George Clooney as the sly Foxie, the upright soul with the sharp clothes and snappy dialogue and Meryl Streep, who has considerably less to work with, as his long-suffering but loving wife. Add in Anderson

regulars like Jason Schwartzman and Bill Murray, plus the folk-art-style stop-motion animation technique Anderson adopted, and you have a movie that steps out of the pack with delight and whimsy.

Starring: George Clooney, Meryl Streep, Jason Schwartzman, Bill Murray, Willem Dafoe Director: Wes Anderson Rating: PG

Also in Theaters Ninja Assassin (New) A skilled assassin engages in a deadly game of cat and mouse to take down the elusive secret society of killers-for-hire that trained him.

Old Dogs (New) Robin Williams and John Travolta are not-sokid-savvy bachelors who are unexpectedly charged with the care of 7-year-old twins.

The Road (New) Viggo Mortensen stars in a post-apocalyptic survival tale of a father and son who journey across America after a mysterious cataclysm.

The Princess and the Frog (New) Walt Disney presents an animated female twist on the traditional Frog Prince fairy tale, set in New Orleans’s French Quarter.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner star in the next chapter of the popular

supernatural romance saga.

The Blind Side Sandra Bullock stars as a well-to-do suburban mom who forms an unlikely friendship with a struggling teen from a broken home Planet 51 The sudden arrival of an alien—an American astronaut —wreaks havoc among the little green inhabitants of a distant alien planet.

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans Nicolas Cage stars as a drug-addicted rogue cop who plays and fast and loose with the law in postKatrina New Orleans.

2012 A group of survivors struggle to stay alive when a global cataclysm— predicted by the Mayan calendar—brings an end to the world.

Precious A pregnant, illiterate teen is accepted into an alternative school where a teacher helps her find a

Solution To Last Week’s Puzzle new path in her life.

Pirate Radio In the 1960’s, a group of rogue DJs rocked the high seas and shook up stuffy British society, all for the love of music.

Dare Three high school seniors decide they can no longer ignore their deepest needs and take the biggest risk of their lives.

The Men Who Stare at Goats George Clooney is a shadowy figure who claims to be part of a secret U.S. military unit specializing in psychic warfare.

The Box Cameron Diaz and James Marsden are an unhappy couple who receive a mysterious box that brings instant wealth at a deadly cost.

Disney’s A Christmas Carol Jim Carrey is the voice of Ebenezer Scrooge in a new animated adaptation of Charles Dickens’ classic holiday tale.

Never Worry About Losing A Copy Of The Pulse Keep Up Online at www.chattanoogapulse.com 95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 11.26.09 The Pulse

21

On The Beat

Officer Teach Gets All Emotional

By Alex Teach

U

nsurprisingly to most, I have a vast contempt for the Thanksgiving holiday.

“I’m not so emotionally distant as to be completely cut off from humanity. In fact, I think at times I’m freakin’ sensitive as hell.”

When officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrolling our fair city on the heels of the criminal element, he is an occasional student at UTC, an up and coming carpenter, auto mechanic, prominent boating enthusiast, and spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center.

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It’s often only an excuse for a meal, an excuse for a noncommittal time of saying “Thank You” for all the things you don’t appreciate without the inconvenience of having to mean it, of having to espouse the virtues of gratitude when in fact you’re only appearing before your family for the sake of your own conscience, and as if to underscore this, for the sake of your own need for a free meal that you’d otherwise have to pay for yourself. I allow a pause here for those of you reading this who might not know who you are…and I pause for those who are not, but feed those very people regardless.

That aside, I’m an upbeat person who enjoys the holiday as much as anyone else. I tend to also think of it as a time of gratitude in remembrance of settlers who were screwed two ways to Sunday until they met locals who got them through an otherwise terminal time in their lives, which inevitably led to the current Modern Age. I sometimes wonder if the natives who helped them had any idea their actions would one day lead to the establishment of “reality television” shows. Had they been aware of this, would they be thankful? Or would they immediately slit their own throats and avoid a whole slew of embarrassment? Until we master sling-shotting around the sun and going back in time we’ll never know, but I am still thankful for some things,

The Pulse 11.26.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com 95.3 Pulse News

no matter what you may think.

First and foremost, I am grateful that Ally McBeal is off the air. Five long years of teaching young women that it’s OK to “spontaneously dance your troubles away” like complete twits in unisex bathrooms. Five long years of trying to make lesbian piano music mainstream. Five long years of living in terror of Calista Flockhart and Peter MacNicol getting liquored up one night after filming and producing the most annoying baby since Congressman Barney Frank.

I am grateful for “chaos theory” mathematics. Not so much for the study of complex dynamical systems that explain, among other things, why long-term weather prediction and self-regulating political term limits are impossible, but because it gave us “trippy fractal images” in the late ’80s and ’90s to enjoy, and it inspired kids to think when they learned about it from watching Jurassic Park, of all things. (The original, not the compromised second and third installments.)

I am grateful for the late Carlos “White Feather” Hathcock and the calming influence he had on my formative years.

I am grateful for Jeff Bridges. The same man who played “Tron” played “Jeffrey Lebowski”; he is like a Geeky Jesus.

I am grateful for “light” beers because I’m an American not pretending to have cultured Northern European tastes for warm light-crude motor oil, and I do not wish to weigh in excess of 350 pounds. I am also grateful for the advent of tiny dorm fridges these beers live in so that they can both exist in their natural

American state (freakin’ ice-cold), and also be in many rooms at the same time.

I’m thankful horse-crap like “LEED Certification” is a freakin’ fad.

I am grateful that Phil Harris from Deadliest Catch finally realized it was more than a damn cracked rib and caught his blood clots in time and took his doctor’s advice, even though it meant sitting out his first Opilio season ever. (Dammit, I know it was difficult, but Josh and Jake need you, bro. Hell’s bells, after a scare like that I’m not afraid to say it: I need you, too, Captain Phil. There it is. Let’s see what happens.)

I’m running out of space, but do you see? Sure, I have opinions and beliefs occasionally branded as being a tad coarse or at least “less than mainstream”…but I’m not so emotionally distant as to be completely cut off from humanity.

In fact, I think at times I’m freakin’ sensitive as hell. The thing about that guy from that place I had to electrocute was just business. That stuff about Jared from Subway…well, OK, that was just kind of shitty, and come to think of it I’m pretty sure I even started this article by saying I have contempt for Thanksgiving…but all in all I am pretty thankful for more than Kevlar and my family (“Oh, Momma!”).

I’m thankful for those that walk The Line and stand a post, willing to give it all. And I am thankful for you, Dear Reader, even though you fear those on the line willing to give it all.

(Jared from Subway is still one Whopper away from hell, though.

On that I stand firm. Happy Thanksgiving.)

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 11.26.09 The Pulse

23

Arts & Entertainment

Grace Alights at the Bridge

By Michael Crumb

T

he recent installation of Daud Akhriev’s bronzes “Spring” and “Summer” at the Market Street Bridge (south end) presents an invaluable aesthetic achievement. These nine-foot statues comprise the first half of a four-part installation, “The Four Seasons,” which will grace each corner of the bridge upon completion. These astute and lovely personifications welcome us to the bridge’s ascending incline and happily adorn this bridge in which Chattanooga has taken great pride.

Enlivening by day and enchantingly spotlit by night, these gracious nudes remind us of the endless potential of the creative spirit. They wonderfully demonstrate how Chattanooga has embraced the creative spirit. “Spring” and “Summer” are gifts to all who contemplate their bountiful forms.

Daud Akhriev has been an accomplished painter for some time. These bronzes transpose his talent for expression into the medium of sculpture.

Excelling in realist portrayal of both objects, like our bridges, and figures, both human and mystic, Akhriev brings an organic conception to these figures that recognizes the blending of the traditional with the contemporary.

imagination, and paradoxically projects both clarity and mystery. The sublime tradition merges with a more contemporary perspective in that the attitudes of these figures are dynamic, implying a range of motion, while their presentations demonstrate a contemporary, minimalist symbolism.

At the dedication, Akhriev explained how he had been inspired by the bridge during its restoration, and he has familiarity with the public art of great cities in Europe. He also explained how his friend Cessna Decosimo mentored him in the subtleties of sculpture.

This clearly turned out well.

Ahkriev’s initial vision was supported by other artists and citizens, including John and Diane Marek, developed momentum and gained approval from the public art program and the State of Tennessee, which oversees bridge rights of way.

Local sculptor Isaac Duncan describes the figures as “elegant” and notes their enhancement of Chattanooga’s public art collection through their “honoring of the classics and the European heritage of Chattanooga.” Duncan sees “Spring” as “bashful and sprightly” and “Summer” as “confident and bold.”

I am very impressed by the languid dynamism of “Spring” (southeast corner).

Her eyes, not quite focused, and the attitude of her limbs, showing the nascent movement of awakening, as if from some deep dream, the realization of movement here represents a semi-conscious awareness. Another element of this dynamism comes with the “leafing” of her skin; we observe organic forms growing out of her figure.

“Enlivening by day and enchantingly spotlit by night, these gracious nudes remind us of the endless potential of the creative spirit.”

Stylistic nuance serves a broad perspective of artistic representation. These nudes arise from the mythic goddesses, and this sets them apart from the human, even as projections of the human

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“Spring” balances upon a sphere. We may view the seasons as hemispherically local to our globe, as indeed, her foot rests upon a hemisphere. Yet the proportionality of the nine-foot figure resting on the much smaller sphere suggests the universality of spring, as the whole world awakens to the spirit of renewal.

The dynamic attitude of “Summer” (southwest corner) possesses great subtlety. Fully awake in radiance, she bends in excited contemplation of the moment. In her representation resides the essence of inertia: stillness, and motion in abeyance.

“Summer” presents the spirit of our existence, a breathless potential balanced on the verge of action.

Chattanoogans are truly blessed with such exemplary iconography. “Spring” and “Summer” will ever remind us of our better qualities and of our rising stature in the world art community.

A&E Calendar Friday

Thursday

The Blind Side Feel-good movie based on a true story, starring Sandra Bullock.

Majestic 12, 215 Broad Street.

(423) 265-5220. www.carmike.com

Send your calendar events to us at calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

Buffet with Banjo Bob Evans 11 a.m. Delta Queen, 100 River St. (423) 468-4500. www.deltaqueenhotel.com The Mystery of the TV Talk Show 7 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. www.funnydinner.com “Angels” by Mary Ferris Kelly Exum Gallery, St. Pauls Episcopal Church, 305 7th St. (423) 266-8195.

“Deck the Falls” Ruby Falls, 1720 S. Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544. www.rubyfalls.com “Reflections” Shuptrine Fine Art and Framing, 2646 Broad St. (423) 266-4453.

“Magnificent Fifty” North River Civic Center, 1009 Executive Dr. (423) 870-8924.

Grand Illumination Holiday mini-market, lighted boats and yes, our favorite Singing Santa.

Free 6 p.m. market, 7 p.m. boat parade Ross’s Landing, riverfront.

(423) 265-0777. www.downtownchattanooga.org

Saturday

Rickey Smiley & Friends Rickey takes the stage with guests Special K and Lavar. $37-$47 plus convenience fees 7 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad Street.

(423) 642-TIXS. www.chattanoogaonstage.com

Monday Praying With Lior Film 7 p.m. Jewish Cultural Center, 5461 Terrace Ave. (423) 493-0270. www.jcfgc.com “Speak Easy” Spoken word and poetry 8 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9040. www.mudpierestaurant.com “The Kennedys: Portrait of a Family” Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org “Echoes” River Gallery, 400 E. Second St. (423) 265-5033. www.river-gallery.com “Holiday BaazART” In-Town Gallery, 26A Frazier Ave. (423)267-9214. www.intowngallery.com

Northshore’s Annual Hip Hop Holiday Open House 9 a.m. Northshore Area Merchants. www.northshorechattanooga.com Holiday Art Until Dark 10 a.m. Winder Binder Gallery, 40 Frazier Ave. (423) 413-8999. www.artuntildark.com Holiday Open House 10 a.m. River Gallery, 400 E. Second St. (423) 265-5033. www.river-gallery.com Bluff View Holiday Open House 11 a.m. 411 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033. www.bluffviewartdistrict.com Grand Illumination at the Hunter Museum with “The Kennedys: A Portrait of a Family” 6 p.m. Hunter Museum of Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944.

A Christmas Carol Preview 6 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Main Stage. 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com The Oak Ridge Boys 7:30 p.m. Memorial Auditorium, 399 McCallie Ave. (423) 265-0617.

The Best Christmas Pageant Ever 7:30 p.m. Colonnade Center, 264 Catoosa Cir., Ringgold, GA. (706) 935-9000. www.colonnadecenter.org Jack Willhite 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com Driving Miss Daisy 8 p.m. Loose Cannon Gallery, 1800 Rossville Blvd.

(423) 648-0992.

Sunday Northshore’s Annual Hip Hop Holiday Open House 9 a.m. Northshore Area Merchants. www.northshorechattanooga.com The Best Christmas Pageant Ever 10 a.m. Colonnade Center, 264 Catoosa Cir., Ringgold, GA. (706) 935-9000. www.colonnadecenter.org Mosaic Market 11 a.m. 412 Market St. (corner of 4th/Market) (423) 624-3915.

Holiday Art Until Dark Noon. Winder Binder Gallery, 40 Frazier Ave. (423) 413-8999. www.artuntildark.com Driving Miss Daisy 2:30 p.m. and 8 p.m. Loose Cannon Gallery, 1800 Rossville Blvd. (423) 648-0992. www.destinyentertainment.org

The Mystery of the Nightmare High School Reunion 6 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. www.funnydinner.com Best Christmas Pageant Ever 7:30 p.m. Colonnade Center, 264 Catoosa Cir., Ringgold, GA. (706) 935-9000. www.colonnadecenter.org Jack Willhite 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com A Christmas Carol Preview 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Main Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com The Mystery of the Red NeckItalian Wedding 8:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839.

Tuesday

Wednesday

“Earth” Noon. Warehouse Row Project Space, 1110 Market St. (423) 280-7182. www.tannerhillgallery.com Reda Mansour Lecture 6 p.m. Jewish Cultural Center, 5461 Terrace Ave. (423) 493-0270. www.jcfgc.com “Christmas on the Promenade” Music Concert 6:30 p.m. Southern Adventist University, 4881 Taylor Cir. Collegedale, TN. (423) 236-2880.

“Looking Again”Opening River Gallery, 400 E. Second St. (423) 265-5033. www.river-gallery.com Works by Susan Dryfoos-Solo Show from New York Gallery 1401, 1401 Williams St. (423) 266-0015.

Senior Art Afternoon Noon. Hunter Museum of Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org “Surface Tension: AVA Invitational” Association for Visual Arts, 30 Frazier Ave. (423) 265-4282. www.avarts.org “Paris Comes to Chattanooga” Artful Eye Gallery, 5646 Brainerd Rd. (423) 855-7424.

“Bob Fazio with Friends” The Gallery, 3918 Dayton Blvd.

(423) 870-2443. www.redbankgallery.com “Love Supreme: An Exhibit Inspired by the Legendary John Coltrane” Chattanooga African American Museum, 200 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-8658. www.caamhistory.org

Driving Miss Daisy Beloved play examining issues of race and aging. $18 2:30 p.m.

Destiny Theatre Company, Loose Cannon Studios, 1800 Rossville Ave. (423) 242-5156. www.destinyentertainment.org

Cadek Community Ensemble 3 p.m. Roland Hayes Concert Hall, UTC Fine Arts Center, 615 McCallie Ave. (423) 425-4645.

“Looking Beyond” 6 p.m. Smart Furniture Studio, 313 Manufacturer’s Rd. (423) 643-0025.

Jack Willhite 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com Jim Brickman 8 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 267-8587. www.chattanoogaomstage.com “Holiday Highlights” Houston Museum of Arts, 201 High St. (423) 267-7176. www.thehoustonmuseum.com “Jellies: Living Art” Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944.

Editor’s Pick: Featured Event Of The Week

A Christmas Carol The Chattanooga Theatre Centre brings back its very popular version of Dickens’ tale, adapted by the CTC’s own George Quick, complete with Ghosts, Tiny Tim, Fezziwigs and a few “Bah, humbug!”s. Feasts and other special events are available during the show’s run. $15.50 - $20 (Grand lllumination Party, November 27) 6 p.m. $10 (Preview, November 28) 8 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Main Stage, 400 River Street.

(423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 11.26.09 The Pulse

25

Spirits Within

Viva Vodka!

By Joshua Hurley

F

or the last 14 weeks, Riley’s Wine and Spirits on Hixson Pike in Hixson has picked a wine or spirit from our large selection and shared it with readers of The Pulse.

We’ve covered whiskey, from both Canada and Kentucky; wine from California, New Zealand, Italy, France and Chile; and tequila from Mexico. How about vodka next?

Vodka is a clear distilled liquor composed of water and ethyl alcohol.

The name “vodka” comes from the Russian word “voda”, which translates as “water”. No one is 100 percent sure of the origins of vodka, but it’s widely accepted that it originated in the graingrowing region that is now Poland, western Russia and Lithuania, in the early 1400’s. It was then considered a medicine and a large number of pharmaceutical lists from the period contain the terms “vodka of bread wine” and “vodka in half of bread wine”.

Vodka is made using traditional distilling methods not very different from whiskey. Both vodka and whiskey use water and natural grains, but whiskey is distilled at a low proof to retain its flavor. Vodka is distilled at a high proof to produce a neutral spirit. Proof, of course, reflects alcohol content, and the higher alcohol content makes the distilled source, such as soy fruit, grains or starch (potato vodka) more subtle. Vodka can be made from potatoes or grains (such as corn or wheat) and even grapes. Vodka made from grain is considered the highest quality available.

When vodka first came to the United States, it wasn’t widely accepted.

Americans had been accustomed to spirits such as whiskey or rum, which have a more complex character. In the early 1950’s, vodka’s versatility in mixed drinks was discovered when a restaurateur in Hollywood, in an effort to unload excess ginger ale, blended vodka, ginger ale and lime and crafted the drink known as the Moscow Mule.

The drink caught on and soon it was the toast of Hollywood. In 1955, vodka sales amounted for 3 percent of the American spirits market; by 1982 it accounted for 22 percent. Today, vodka accounts for 25 percent of the total American spirits market.

Did you ever think you’d be helping out the environment by purchasing a certain kind of vodka? That’s the message McCormick, one of America’s

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The Pulse 11.26.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com 95.3 Pulse News

“In the early 1950’s, vodka’s versatility was discovered when a restaurateur in Hollywood, in an effort to unload excess ginger ale, blended vodka, ginger ale and lime and crafted the drink known as the Moscow Mule.” oldest distillers, is spreading with the release of “360” Vodka. Here’s how: 360 Vodka is bottled within 85 percent recycled glass. Other features include the 360 logo blown directly into the glass. The label is made from 100 percent recycled paper. Oh, and each bottle contains a pre-postagepaid envelope hanging around the neck that lets customers mail back the flip-top closure for reuse. The flip-top closure is similar to those used for the German beer, Grolsch, and it’s a neat package. Also the distillery meets all CPA air and water quality standards for distilleries by reducing its volatile organic compounds by 70 percent and sulfur dioxide emissions by 99 percent.

The distillery also states that it uses 25 percent less fossil fuel energy during the production process. McCormick also donates $20 from the sale of each case of 360 in Florida to the Coastal Conservation Association (CCA), which is a Florida-based marine conservation organization.

360 Vodka stacks up next to other premium vodkas nicely. It’s clean, from non-organic smooth grain. It’s mixable in any cocktail that calls for vodka, from a dry martini to a Grape Ape. 360 has a nose that’s light and fruity, with hints of lavender giving it a nice, clean smell. The palate is warm and earthy with light caramel undertones. Riley’s recommends 360 Vodka in a White Russian or a Screwdriver. 360 also comes in two unique flavored varieties, Double Chocolate and Cola. Each flavor is 70-proof and contains the same eco-friendly packaging as the original.

Cheers!

Table Service

Just Bloody Good

By Colleen Wade

E

h up! I don’t know if you’ve ever stopped in for a peeve at Hair of the Dog Pub, but it’s absobloodylutely the dog’s bollocks! Allow me to translate: “Hello!

I’m not sure if you’ve ever had a drink at Hair of the Dog Pub, but it’s absolutely fantastic!” Sorry, I tend to get a little carried away, but seriously—open the door at 334 Market Street, and you’ll feel like you have just stepped into a neighborhood pub in Manchester. It’s dark wood, pub tables, and flags of British football clubs hanging in front of the bar. The ceiling is made to look like corrugated tin, and behind the bar is a custom-built dumbwaiter to send drinks upstairs to yet more pub tables, pool tables, dartboards and a jukebox playing hits from the last five decades.

If you really want the English pub experience, you can order from a variety of English beers like Boddington’s Draught or Old Speckled Hen. Food is another lure, as you can dine on such delectable dishes as “Fish n’ Chips” or “Bangers n’ Mash.”

Now, if you’re not in the mood to try something English, Hair of the Dog Pub has many other tasty items to choose from. There’s “Reuben Rolls”—a gastronomic delight as German meets Asian meets American: egg roll wrappers stuffed with corned

beef, kraut, and just a smidge of Thousand Island dressing, or “Babe the Blue Ox”—a scrumptious burger with bleu cheese, bacon, and grilled mushrooms. If you’re looking for something on the lighter side, try “The Mother Clucker”, delicious chicken, breaded in-house and fried golden brown, sliced and laid delicately atop a bed of mixed greens, garnished with cheddar cheese, tomatoes, onions and crumbled bacon. Food is served at Hair of the Dog Pub from 11 a.m. until 2:30 a.m. Feeling hungry after a concert? Not a problem! Not sure what to do for lunch? Not a problem! The Dog offers daily lunch specials and a “lunch fidelity” card for regulars.

Sundays at Hair of the Dog Pub means time for one of the most exciting, delightful, delicious, savory, satisfying—and affordable— brunches in Chattanooga. From 11 a.m. to 2 p.m., order frittatas, pancakes, “Really French French Toast,” quiches, and satisfy yourself with the Bloody Mary bar. Your bartenders pours the vodka—you create the masterpiece.

But it’s certainly not just about the pub grub, no matter how ambrosial it may be!

Hair of the Dog Pub has one of the most impressive beer lists in the city. You can find everything from Budweiser to Rogue Mocha Porter. Each season, the Dog announces a new “List o’ Beers.” This winter, some of their seasonal beers include Abita Christmas Ale, TommyKnocker Butthead Bock, Rogue Santa’s Private Reserve, and Lazy Magnolia Southern Pecan Nut Brown. They are currently offering Samuel Smith’s Winter Welcome on winter beer listings.

There’s even a $10 beer, the one beer of the season Hair of the Dog Pub deems worthy of a ten spot. This winter, it’s Delirium Tremens, a beer praised by many as the best overall beer in the world. You can order up mixed beers, a la the Black and

“Sundays at Hair of the Dog Pub means time for one of the most exciting, delightful, delicious, savory, satisfying—and affordable— brunches in Chattanooga.”

Tan, with such creative names as the Irish 8-ball (Guinness with a shot of espresso) and Skid Mark (Guinness and Fat Tire). If a pint is not what you’re looking for, Hair of the Dog Pub has a fabulous wine list and a full bar, featuring several single-malt Scotches and a great bourbon.

Hair of the Dog Pub celebrated their fourth birthday on November 18. With all the fine services they offer, it’s no wonder.

Hair of the Dog Pub is located at 334 Market Street, downtown Chattanooga. Open seven days a week, 11 a.m. until 2:30 a.m. (423) 265-4615.

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 11.26.09 The Pulse

27

Free Will Astrology SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The surest way to beat the system, my dear, is to elude it and erect your own system. The strategy most likely to leave your competitors babbling in the mirror, sweetheart, is to go completely over their heads.

That doesn’t mean, darling, that you should be a remote and grandiose narcissist who listens to no one but yourself. Smile sweetly as you describe why your way is the best way, you gorgeous genius. Enlist worthy collaborators through the irresistible force of your guileless charisma.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): “A neurosis is a secret that you don’t know you are keeping,” wrote theater critic Kenneth Tynan. Your assignment is to uncover one of those secrets in yourself. It may not result in an instantaneous cure of your minor personality glitch, but it will be a potent first step that will set in motion a series of healing events. Be brave, Capricorn. I guarantee that any ugliness you might find lodged deep inside you will be entangled with surprising beauty.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Seventy percent of the world’s fresh water is locked away in Antarctica’s ice, which is 7,000 feet thick. Let’s hope it remains that way for the foreseeable future. If global warming melted that giant slab even a little, sea levels all over the planet would rise and coastal lands would be inundated. As for your frozen areas, however: I’d really like to see at least 30 percent of them thaw. Would you consider doing whatever it takes to release a miniflood of summery feelings?

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): While walking in an unfamiliar neighborhood, I saw a huge red wooden chair on someone’s front lawn. It was big enough for a 20-foot-tall giant. An equally oversized martini glass was perched on the arm of the chair. Nearby was a sign that read, “I have flying monkeys at my command, and I’m not afraid to use them.” I assumed this scene was the handiwork of an adorable crazy person who’s an admirer of The Wizard of Oz mythology. I also flashed on how I could totally see you sitting in that chair. Metaphorically speaking, you too have flying monkeys at your command. I just hope you use them to accomplish good deeds, not evil ones.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): One of the greatest superpowers a human being can have is the ability to change herself in accordance with her intentions. Let’s say you’re tired of feeling shame about something there’s no good reason to feel shame about, and you decide to do whatever it takes to dissolve that shame, and you succeed in doing it. Or let’s say you no longer want to attract bad listeners and flaky collaborators into your life, and you resolve to transform that pattern, and you ultimately achieve your goal. These are acts of high magic, as amazingly wizardly as anything a shaman does. It so happens, Aries, that this superpower is especially accessible to you right now.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Your story is taking a hotter and wetter and more cosmically comical turn. The splendor and the rot are all mixed up.

The line between your strengths and liabilities are hair thin. But have no fear. One of your dormant talents will activate in the nick of time. Your wild guesses will shed bright light whenever the darkness creeps in. And you’ll have even more emotional intelligence than usual. P.S. If your psyche tingles like a funny bone that has been tapped, it means that unanticipated help or useful information will arrive within 12 hours.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): “The more you do what you want,” says Santa Fe artist Erika Wanenmacher, “the more magic happens.” And what she wants, in part, is to be surprised by how life’s random events ask to be included in her creative process. During her long walks along the irrigation ditch near her home, for example, odds and ends on the ground call to her, suggesting that she use them in her art pieces—heart-shaped rocks, miniature liquor bottles, bent spoons, parts of toys. One of her gallery pieces, “Spell Wall,” consists of amulets made from this found stuff.

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By Rob Brezsny

JONESIN’

By Matt Jones

“Initial Reaction” –letters, not words.

“I’ll make whatever I want,” Erika says. “Out of whatever I want. About whatever I want.”

She’s your role model, Gemini. Borrow from her perspective. Go in quest of unexpected clues that make you feel loose and free and fertile.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Needing a creative disruption in my routine, I hiked into a forest I’d never visited. The late afternoon light was wan and the wind was chilly. In places, the trail narrowed to a scruffy rut barely big enough for me to walk on, leading me to wonder if I was reading my map wrong. Three times this happened, but always the wider path resumed.

Were there bobcats here? When I spied a flash of fur in the distance, I wished I’d researched that subject before I’d come. Still I pressed on. Then I came upon a single segment of a wooden fence, inexplicable in this remote area. One end of its upper slat had come loose and fallen. Moved by a whimsical urge to insert order into the midst of my disorientation, I fixed the slat. My mood brightened, my anxiety dissipated, and the rest of my hike was filled with small epiphanies.

Everything I just described, my fellow Cancerian, is an apt metaphor for your week ahead.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I believe that in the coming weeks you’ll enjoy experiences that have an emotional resemblance to those referred to in this passage by French novelist Gustave Flaubert: “I want to cover you with love, with caresses, with ecstasy. I want to gorge you with all the joys of the flesh . . . I want you to be astonished by me, to confess to yourself that you had never even dreamed of such transports . . . When you are old, I want you to recall those few hours. I want your dry bones to quiver with joy when you think of them.” Please note, Leo, that I’m not necessarily saying the pleasures you gather in will stem from an engagement with an actual lover. They might.

But your delight may also have a more mysterious origin.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It’s not just our era that has a tormented relationship with time.

Many cultures have been frustrated by its tyranny.

During France’s July Revolution in 1830, for instance, rebels shot guns at public clocks. While I think that’s too extreme for you, I do recommend that you perform a ritual to empower yourself as you wrestle with the passage of the hours and days and weeks. How about smashing a cheap alarm clock with a hammer? Or spending an entire day without ever referring to a timepiece?

Or taking ten deep breaths as you imagine you’re inhaling eternity and exhaling the grinding ticktock? It’s a perfect moment to claim more freedom from temporality.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I agree with football coach Lou Holtz, who said, “The problem with having a sense of humor is often that people you use it on aren’t in a very good mood.” It’s possible to work around this difficulty, however. What you have to do, before you unleash your levity, is conjure up empathy for the sourpuss in question.

You should also make sure that your intention is not to mock or poke at the person, but instead offer a potential escape from his or her locked energy. By my calculations, you could be an expert at this kind of psychic judo right now. For best results, practice on yourself. Whenever you’re headed toward a negative thought or emotion, nudge yourself away with a jest or wisecrack.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Do you know what you’re really worth? Not as measured by your bank account and luxurious possessions. Not as reflected by your boss’s or parents’ or enemies’ images of you. Not as distorted by what you wish you were worth or fear you’re not worth. I’m talking about taking an illusion-free inventory of the skills you have that are fulfilling to you and useful to others. I’m talking about your wisdom more than your knowledge, your self-love more than your popularity, your ability to be good more than to look good.

Your Weekly Homework: Go to Youtube and watch me give some pep talks and crazed lectures.

Start here: http://tinyurl.com/lyr99n

The Pulse 11.26.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com 95.3 Pulse News

Across 1 Numerical classification of some World War II U-boats 8 Necklace pieces 13 Butt 14 Person who keeps count 16 The U.S., in Mexican slang 17 Valentine sentiment to the 80-89% crowd?

18 Actor Delon 19 “What ___ mind reader?”

21 “___ Tu” (hit 1973 song in Spanish) 22 Football, abroad 24 Mork’s home planet 25 John Irving’s “The World According to ___” 26 Thankful thought toward a universal blood type?

29 TV “Science Guy” Bill 30 Play the part 31 Mrs., in Madrid 32 Cloud shaped like a small Roman numeral?

36 Key on a PC 37 St. with many keys 38 Cross-country travelers 41 Tagline of a raporiented cologne slogan?

46 Pitcher Hershiser

47 Fair-hiring abbr.

48 Thing of little imporance 49 Skylab launcher 50 Hit for the Kinks 52 Current capital of Nigeria 53 Hassle at the local community gym?

55 Destroyer 57 Leaves stranded 58 Like some sea bass 59 ___ firma 60 Makes melancholy Down 1 Crime against one’s country 2 Like old newspaper, color-wise 3 Grand style 4 Strong nickname for Beethoven’s Third Symphony 5 Surname of four generations of French painters in the Louvre 6 Savings acct. figure 7 Brainchild 8 Capital city of Mali 9 TV Tarzan and game show host Ron 10 Lesson taught through symbolism 11 Class project in a box 12 Harsh

14 Car in the Beach Boys’ “Fun, Fun, Fun” 15 Bodily system that includes the lungs: abbr.

20 Term used in tastetesting 23 “Seacrest out” speaker 27 Columbus Day mo.

28 “For shame!” noise 32 It sets things apart 33 Critical hosp. wing 34 Right angle-shaped pipe 35 Winter spread?

36 Ugly statue, e.g.

38 Runaway from another country, perhaps 39 “Les Miserables” surname 40 Bear ___ (company in 2008 economic news) 41 Reach for 42 1997 biopic about a late Tejano singer 43 North Africans disputed in a “Seinfeld” Trivial Pursuit question 44 Pregnant 45 Like vulgar humor 46 Ender for “pseud-” 51 Rainbow shapes 54 Opposite of vert., on old TVs 56 “I get it now!”

©2009 Jonesin’ Crosswords (editor@jonesincrosswords.com) For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle #0442.

Shades Of Green

Sustainability Meditation

By Joe Wilferth

I

heard someone say recently that human beings are inherently destructive, that we can’t help ourselves from laying waste to the very things we value. I was reminded of Wendell Berry, Kentucky farmer, writer, and activist, and his collection of essays, The Way of Ignorance, wherein Berry clearly suggests that what human beings have not yet discovered, we have not destroyed. He celebrates ignorance for that very reason.

To me, the excuse that human beings are destructive by nature is too convenient. We are too easily excused from our crimes against our natural environment if we ask, “Why do the work necessary to keep our home places (the water, the air, the soil beneath our feet) clean if, in the end, we can’t stop our culture from destroying these very places?”

It’s the wrong question to ask, and worse, it suggests futility, a verbal throwing up of one’s hands.

I’d like to suggest something that will make many of my friends angry. I’m not going to suggest that we take action, at least not in terms of what action means today.

Instead, let’s change the way we think and talk about the natural environment, change the way we think and talk about pivotal terms like cost, economy, and progress.

This could lead to changes in the way we ultimately live our lives, the way we finally act, and the way we finally characterize terms like clean or fair.

A few weeks ago, I published in The Pulse an essay on environmentalism and what that term has come to represent. I described “environmentalism” as a social construct, and I came out against that construct for a number of reasons. First, the rhetoric surrounding environmentalism tends to stereotype the environmentalist as a “radical” (when “conservative” and “conservationist” are far better fits for what environmentalists stand for).

Second, the oft-used term “environmentalism” is too broad and

cannot account for more nuanced and interesting discussions, those involving particular environments, particular ecologies and bioregions, particular discussions surrounding food production—what is fair, what is clean, what is good for our health—and more.

Finally, I suggested that “environmentalism” is touted as a social movement. I wasn’t dealing with proper definitions of the term environmentalism; rather, my aim was to illustrate a point, namely that words don’t inherently “mean” anything.

Their meanings are socially, culturally, and historically determined. Environmentalism, then, is a phenomenon, a construct.

“Equality” today doesn’t mean what “equality” meant 200 years ago in this country. Likewise, “interposition” and “nullification” today don’t carry the same historical weight that they held in 1963.

So I suggest we change the way we think and talk about environmentalism. Our actions will follow. If we are to be a sustainable culture, here in our city, our state, our country, or worldwide, we must consider economics since economics involve the management of money, resources, and labor.

However, the discussions we tend to have about sustainability continually refer to one particular sort of economics, which revolves around money and monetary value.

We tend not to acknowledge—or simply fail to see—that the idea of progress for one group or individual may not match up with the idea of progress for another group or individual precisely because they subscribe to different economics, or different systems of value.

Conversations surrounding sustainability, as a result, too often spiral into talk about “cutting back” or “doing with less.” That’s one approach to sustainability. Another is to do things differently, according to different economics—namely economics driven by another form of cost and other indicators of quality of life, for ourselves and for future generations.

You can understand a great deal about the condition of local ecologies by looking at local economies—what

“What is often missing in conversations is the idea that we don’t necessarily need to cut back—but that we may need to do things differently.” people value—just as you can understand a great deal about the relationship between ecology and economy on a larger scale, at the state or national level. What is often missing in conversations is the idea that we don’t necessarily need to cut back—but that we may need to do things differently.

Let’s not act if we continue to act in the same old ways. Our actions could, however, be changed if cultural change takes place in both how we think and how we talk about key terms we use to characterize our relationship to the natural world. Key terms like cost, economy, economics, and progress are the obvious examples.

What we need, then, is social movement, not a social movement.

What we need is a change in our culture away from consumerism and toward sustainability, toward a sustainable dynamic with our natural environment. We can no longer rely on excuses of the convenient sort or otherwise, if we truly value the very places in which we live.

Joe Wilferth is an English professor at UTC where he teaches a number of courses, including professional writing and environmental rhetoric.

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 11.26.09 The Pulse

29

Ask A Mexican

Special Long-Letter Edition

By Gustavo Arellano

“Are the Mexican managers all brujos who can make themselves invisible by drinking concoctions of jalapeños, tequila and dried armadillo brains from scooped-out human skulls?”

Ask the Mexican at themexican@ askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, find him on, Twitter, or write: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

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Dear Mexican, I live in a little village in England in a house that’s two hundred years old, just down the hill from a tiny church that’s so old that it was actually built before God said, “Let there be light,” thus proving that Stephen Hawking is a blowhard. The only industry around here, apart from digging potatoes and interfering with cows, is the cement factory, and that has been taken over by Mexicans. It used to be Rugby Cement and now it’s CEMEX. Not much changes around here, and people don’t much like change, but there was an expectation that the new management of the cement works might liven the neighbourhood up; that mariachi bands would stroll the streets; that burros would appear, ridden by sleeping guys in sombreros: that the night’s quiet would be split by the thrumming of guitars, shouts of “Andalay! Andalay! Arriva!

Arriva!” and the crackle of brisk exchanges of gunfire as executives settled their budgets for the new financial year.

None of this has come to pass. In fact, no Mexicans have been seen in the village at all, despite the village pub having legendary chili nights.

Is CEMEX an illusion? A mere corporate fiction that is actually run from Lichtenstein with Arab oilmoney? Or are the Mexican managers all brujos who can make themselves invisible by drinking concoctions of jalapeños, tequila and dried armadillo brains from scooped-out human skulls?

We need to know the answers to

The Pulse 11.26.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com 95.3 Pulse News

these questions, lest the peace at the heart of England be disturbed, and the beat of Drake’s drum be heard faintly on the breeze, calling, calling.

Toodle-pip, old chap!

— Baron Botolpho Winkletje van der Griezels Dear Limey, Isn’t it great that the Reconquista is now global, and that American stereotypes of Mexicans easily crossed the pond? And don’t think this Mexican has forgiven Genesis for their pendejada of a video for their song, “Illegal Alien.” But, yes: CEMEX (a syllabic abbreviation of the company’s original name, Cementos Mexicanos) is one of the world’s largest cement companies, born and headquartered in the city of Monterrey (whose natives are as notoriously stingy as your Scots).

Other Mexican corporations with worldwide reach include Grupo Bimbo (bread makers), Televisa (creators of telenovelas) and the Mexican Nalga Fund.

Dear Mexican, Why do white Americans buy into this Reconquista bullshit? I believe that these babosos talk about it more than Mexicans do. I have yet to meet a Mexican that is part of this “movement.” Every Mexican that I know has come to America to work, seek a better life, and buy a Chevy Tahoe or Suburban—that’s it. I guarantee you that if any white American actually spoke to a Mexican and asked him about the Reconquista, the Mexican would respond, “¿Que que?”

I was born and raised in San

Antonio, served my lovely country in the U.S. Army (2003-2008), and now live as a disabled vet in Denver.

My parents were from Zacatecas and Jalisco. I asked them about the Reconquista and got the same response from both of them: “Dejate de pendejadas.”

So, gabachos, when you come to ¡Ask a Mexican! to ask stupid questions, consider this: Most immigrants go through shit and high water to come to America. WHY would they even want to reclaim the Southwest back for Mexico?

You think they would want to travel an additional 800 miles to come to America?

As a child, I have been to Mexico on family trips and let me tell you: I would not want to live there. My parents sure didn’t. We Mexicans grow attached to the American way really quick. But back to my original question: why do gabachos buy into this anti-Mexican bullshit when they have way bigger things to worry about? We are not the American-wayhating race.

— El Sargento Dear Sargeant, Primeramente, gracias for your service. Secondly, to our Know Nothing audience: cut out this letter, staple it to your foreheads without anesthesia, and get it through your thick heads that this is the reality of the Reconquista—especially the Suburban part.

Finally: why do they believe this, Sargento? Por pendejos. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, and remember to add serranos to your stuffing!