The Pulse - Vol. 6, Issue 49

CHATTANOOGA BOMB • LOOKOUT HISTORY • YA/YAS

BEYOND

By Alison Burke

FREE • News, Views, Arts & Entertainment • December 3, 2009 • Vol. 6 - Issue 49 • www.chattanoogapulse.com • pulse news 95.3 WPLZ

President Jim Brewer, II

2009

Publisher Zachary Cooper Contributing Editor Janis Hashe News Editor Gary Poole Calendar Editor Kathryn Dunn Advertising Manager Rhonda Rollins Advertising Sales Leslie Dotson, Rick Leavell Leif Sawyer, Townes Webb Contributing Writers Gustavo Arellano, Rob Brezsny Alison Burke, Chuck Crowder Michael Crumb, Hellcat Joshua Hurley, Victoria Hurst Matt Jones, Ernie Paik Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D. Alex Teach, Colleen Wade Editorial Intern Tara Morris Copy Assistant Bryanna Burns Art Director Kelly Lockhart Art Department Sharon Chambers, Kathryn Dunn Josh Lang, Damien Power Staff Photographer Damien Power Editorial Cartoonist Rick Baldwin Contact Info: Phone (423) 648-7857 Fax (423) 648-7860 info@chattanoogapulse.com Calendar Submissions calendar@chattanoogapulse.com Advertising advertising@chattanoogapulse.com The Pulse is published weekly and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publishers may take more than one copy per weekly issue. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors.

cover story

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ontents

11 ENVISIONING THE FUTURE OF THE CITY

By Alison Burke By the time you read this article, the grand total of 26,263 completed surveys will have been entered by the Center for Applied Research (CASR) and handed over to The Ochs Center for Metropolitan Studies for a few months of comprehensive analysis. This is a huge number of surveys.

feature stories 18 THE BOMB DROPS IN CHATTANOOGA

By Hellcat When you first hear the band name “How I Became the Bomb”, you can’t help but laugh. It’s a truly great name. Granted, it refers to Dr. Strangelove, but it also holds a great deal of confidence.

20 A NEW LOOK AT LOOKOUT

By Janis Hashe “What makes a landmark?” asks Hull in his introduction. “Why would Martin Luther King in his famous ‘I Have a Dream’ speech ask that ‘freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee?’”

The Pulse is published by

24 GETTING HIS YA/YAS OUT 1305 Carter Street Chattanooga, Tennessee 37402 Letters to the editor must include name, address and daytime phone number for verification. The Pulse reserves the right to edit letters for space and clarity. Please keep letters within 500 words in length.

By Michael Crumb Art lovers heading to New York will have a chance to see work by Chattanooga artist Rondell Crier at the Guggenheim Museum. Crier has contributed pieces to the installation that will become the visual staging for the museum’s production of Peter and the Wolf by Sergei Prokofiev.

The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on culture, the arts, entertainment and local news.

Member

AL G ES e NU IN ADI Puls AN LL L he RO THE in T H k

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DECEMBER

27 A TASTE OF HIBACHI HEAVEN

By Colleen Wade Hibachi-style dining has become a favorite of Americans. We just LOVE to be entertained, and let’s face it, hibachi-style dining can be very entertaining.

news & views 5 7 9 14 22 29 30

PULSE BEATS BEYOND THE HEADLINES SHRINK RAP LIFE IN THE NOOG ON THE BEAT SHADES OF GREEN ASK A MEXICAN

everything else 4 4 5 6 6 16 19 20 25 28 28

EDITOON LETTERS TO THE EDITOR CITY COUNCILSCOPE POLICE BLOTTER THE LIST MUSIC CALENDAR NEW MUSIC REVIEWS NEW IN THEATERS A&E CALENDAR FREE WILL ASTROLOGY JONESIN’ CROSSWORD

Cover photo provided by Chattanooga Stand.

Editoon

by Rick Baldwin

Letters to the Editor Guns In Bars - Support I was not surprised to hear of the ruling from a female judge in Nashville who said the recently passed bill to allow guns in bars was unconstitutional. This so-called judge is not only wrong but apparently also uneducated in the U.S. Constitution she swore to uphold. The Second Amendment says directly that “the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.”

The only restraint indicated in the Constitution is when a person is held for a crime under the Fifth Amendment. This judge shows her liberal bias moreover by ignoring the fact that those who are allowed under this law to carry weapons in bars have gone through background checks. We certainly have an element within the judicial community within this state and country that are imbued with a certain degree of judicial imprudence.

Mark Albertini Guns In Bars - Opposed Restaurant owners and any business owner should have the right to make rules on whether they want guns in their establishments. In places where there are lots of intoxicated people it is highly inappropriate to have loaded weapons. Drunk people will grab the

guns, or start fights that escalate into gun battles when they normally would end with bloody noses. You don’t need your darned gun everywhere you go. If you do, then you are in the wrong neighborhood and you should stay indoors.

AJ Simkatu Is Alex Teach Insane?

I cannot believe they let the people at Moccasin Bend have access to a damn computer [“Officer Teach Gets All Emotional”, On The Beat].

I love Alex none the less. Take your meds like a good boy and remember the back of your gown is open when you are wandering the halls telling everyone how you are a police officer.

Larry Cumstein Health Care Mandates It would be nice if Congress would include that any project that is mandated by the Federal Government, has to be funded by them into perpetuity unless the project run out of funds and when that is the case the project STOPS. No forcing States to carry the load, if it was started by the Federal Government is should be FUNDED by the Federal Government.

It would be nice if that was a separate piece of legislation, that “NO State

shall be forced to continue funding a project that was STARTED or MANDATED by the Federal Government if such project requires said state to raise taxes to continue said funding, and that SAID funding shall be retroactive to ALL projects that were started by the Federal Government.”

James Tollett Corrections & Omissions In last week’s issue (Vol. 6, #48), we mislabled Ernie Paik’s CD review of File Under: BeBop by Peeping Tom. We apologize for the error.

Send all letters to the editor and questions to info@chattanoogapulse.com We reserve the right to edit letters for content and space. Please include your full name, city and contact information.

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Pulse Beats

Quote Of The Week: A rundown of the newsy, the notable, and the notorious...

“The leadership of my side of the aisle wants to see nothing happen. The leadership on the other side wants to see anything happen.”

—Republican U.S. Bob Corker, speaking about the ongoing national health care reform debate before last week’s Rotary luncheon.

Opera Returning To Chattanooga After a one-year hiatus, the Chattanooga Symphony and Opera recently announced two events that will bring opera back to the CSO line-up. The CSO will present the internationally acclaimed The Opera Show for one performance on February 6, 2010 as a benefit to raise funds for the new CSO Opera Fund.

In addition to The Opera Show, the CSO is announcing a collaboration with the Chattanooga Ballet and the Chattanooga Theatre Centre to present Amahl and the Night Visitors annually, beginning in November 2010.

“The Opera Show is an amazing production featuring four singers, five dancers, and eight costumed musicians.

This touring production looks like opera’s greatest hits meets Cirque de Soleil,” says CSO Executive Director Molly Sasse. “It has incredibly elaborate costumes and staging and includes about 30 of everyone’s favorite arias.”

Attendees will experience an exclusive evening of costumes, dance, staging, and arias arranged throughout three acts. Highlights include “Nessun Dorma”, “Queen of the Night”, “La Donne e Mobile”, the “Toreador Song” and many more.

“We are presenting The Opera Show as a benefit to raise funds for new CSO Opera Fund,” says Sasse. “Half of the ticket price is a tax-deductible donation to the new fund. We realized during this past year that we could not afford to present opera in the manner which we had done for so many years without a substantial reserve before we even began to plan another production.

Our goal is to raise $100,000 so that we can announce our next grand op-

era production. The Opera Show looked to us like a great vehicle to start the new CSO Opera Fund.”

The Opera Show will be preceded by a dinner celebrating opera’s great past in Chattanooga. Limited premium ticket and dinner packages are available. Ticket prices will range from $50 to $500.

In addition to The Opera Show, the CSO is working with Chattanooga Ballet and the Chattanooga Theatre Centre to create and stage an annual production of Giancarlo Menotti’s opera Amahl and the Night Visitors. Originally written for television in 1951, “Amahl” tells the story of the Three Wise Men who stop by a poor crippled boy’s home on their way to Bethlehem. The Chattanooga Theatre Centre will design the sets and costumes and provide stage direction for the production, while Chattanooga Ballet will choreograph and provide dancers for the shepherds’ dance.

“A local foundation has offered support for sets and costumes, so we feel very confident that we can mount this production locally in a fiscally responsible manner and bring our city a wonderful holiday treat. We’ll be offering public performances as well as daytime performances for school groups,” Sasse says.

CSO Music Director Robert Bernhardt, who has directed opera production in Chattanooga for the past 16 years, expressed his pleasure in the upcoming productions. “I have had an ever-increasing love affair with opera, and being involved in the production

Here is one of the more interesting agenda items set to be discussed at the December 8 meeting of the Chattanooga City Council.

7. Resolutions: a) A resolution authorizing the Administrator of the Department of Neighborhood Services and Community Development to award $527,828.00 of HOME Investment Partnership Act Funds and program income derived from Tennessee Housing Development Agency (THDA) funded projects to organizations for the purpose of creating affordable, permanent, supportive housing, a list of which is included, and authorizing agreements with the organizations for same.

and performance of it has been enriching in every way,” states Maestro Bernhardt. ”As you can imagine, bringing opera back to the Tivoli has been a top priority for me and the staff of the CSO in these past several months. We have great plans for the future, but realize that the return must be financially viable, and most likely, gradual.”

“Our production of Amahl and the Night Visitors, a broad and wonderful collaboration with our arts partners in Chattanooga, is another step in the inevitable and essential revival of opera here, and I am delighted that we are beginning our journey back with such a beautiful and meaningful work.

I’ve admired and loved Amahl and the Night Visitors for 30 years,” says Maestro Bernhardt.

HOME is the largest Federal block grant to state and local governments designed exclusively to create affordable housing for low-income households. Each year it allocates approximately $2 billion among the states and hundreds of localities nationwide.

HOME funds are awarded annually as formula grants to participating jurisdictions. HUD establishes HOME Investment Trust Funds for each grantee, providing a line of credit that the jurisdiction may draw upon as needed.

The Chattanooga City Council meets each Tuesday at 6 p.m. in the City Council Building at 1000 Lindsay St. For more information on the agendas, visit www.Chattanooga.gov/City_ Council/110_Agenda.asp

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A weekly roundup of the newsworthy, notable and often head-scratching stories gleaned from police reports from the Chattanooga Police Department, the Hamilton County Sheriff’s Office, the Bradley County Sheriff’s Department and the Dalton Police Department.

10 Ways To Tell You’re Burned Out At Work 1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

2. Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase.

4. You don’t set your alarm anymore because you know your cell phone will go off before your alarm does.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

6. You consider a 40-hour week a vacation.

7. You wake up to discover your house is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don’t care.

• If one plans to rob a pharmacy, having a well-thought-out escape plan usually comes in handy. Then again, those that rob pharmacies aren’t considered the brightest bulbs in the lighting store for a reason. At a Brainerd Road pharmacy, a man handed the pharmacist a note demanding Oxycontin. After being given the drugs, the man walked out of the store towards a waiting getaway car, but instead panicked when he was followed by a witness and ran into some nearby woods. Police quickly apprehended the man hiding behind a tree, with drugs in hand, and took him into custody. They also were able to arrest the not-so-effective getaway driver, who had stayed in the parking lot during the search of the woods. The two have been charged with Robbery, Theft over $1,000 and Criminal Conspiracy to Feloniously Obtain Narcotics.

• We hear all the time that teachers feel they should be paid more. For the most part, we happen to agree with

• How many police officers and drug dogs does it take to make one arrest?

In the case of a recent sweep at Bradley Central High School, the answer would be 17 officers and a pair of the specially trained canines. However, in spite of rumors of widespread drug activity in the school, only a small amount of marijuana was discovered, and that in a pickup truck in the school parking lot. One person was arrested in con-

Chattanooga Street Scenes

8. Your garbage can is your “in” box.

9. Your best friend calls to ask how you’ve been and you immediately scream, “Get off my back!”

10. You’re so tired you now answer the phone, “Hell”.

No matter how much you may love your job, there are times when things just get a bit too much. Take a look at the above list, and if you can check off five or more as something that has happened to you, then chances are you might want to reconsider your current employment. Either that, or take an in-office sabbatical, Dilbert-style.

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them, as teaching is often a thankless but vitally important profession. That said, it doesn’t mean that supplementing a teaching salary by dealing drugs is an appropriate way to make ends meet. Yet that is just what one Ringgold elementary school teacher has been accused of, after being arrested and charged with possession of marijuana with intent to distribute. She and her husband were caught with four pounds of marijuana in their home during a countywide drug roundup in Catoosa County. Interestingly enough, she has only been placed on administrative leave from her teaching position, with pay, while the case works its way through the courts.

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nection with the discovery of the pot.

While it may seem to be a case of law enforcement overkill, the good news here is that, contrary to what you may hear from certain politicians and television talk-show hosts, our schools are not a teeming cesspool of drugged-out thugs intent on bringing down modern civilization. At least not at Bradley Central.

• Tis the season for…daylight auto break-ins? Reinforcing our ongoing theme that the vast majority of thieves leave a lot to be desired when it comes to intelligence and common sense, a man thought it would be a good idea to rifle through a car parked in front of a local radio station. In broad daylight.

With a disc jockey sitting in his car just a few spaces away. The DJ quickly confronted the man, who claimed he was looking for a cigarette, but the man was able to run off before officers arrived. The sheer brazenness of the burglary attempt is a reminder to all to keep valuables out of your vehicles— and make sure they are locked at all times, especially at work. It’s also a good idea to check your parking lot.

Photography by Kelly Lockhart

Santa comes to Ross’s Landing for the Grand Illumination.

Beyond The Headlines

Dithering on Safety?

By Stuart James

R

ecently, Chris Wallace asked Rush Limbaugh whether the president is keeping the country safe. Limbaugh said, “I don’t know how safe we are...Iran is nuking up... everything that we asked them to do they are forgetting...they are not going to move their plutonium...we can’t make up our minds on what we are going to do in Afghanistan, we are dithering there...I don’t think we are better off in any way that can be measured.”

On September 11, 2001, terrorists attacked the United States, killing 2,933 people. On October 7, 2001, the war in Afghanistan began.

On March 19, 2003, George W. Bush launched the invasion of Iraq. On March 30, 2003, Donald Rumsfeld stated, “We know where the WMD are.”

On April 9, 2003, Saddam’s statue is toppled in Iraq. The Los Angeles Times reported that the fall was stage-managed by the United States Army. On May 1, 2003, George W. Bush said, “My fellow Americans, major combat operations in Iraq have ended.” On October 25, 2009, news outlets reported that deadly bombings in Iraq were the

worst in two years. CNN reported, “Twin car bombs exploded near three Iraqi government buildings [on October 25, 2009] in central Baghdad, killing at least 132 people. It was the deadliest attack in the country in more than two years. More than 500 people were wounded. The blast was reported throughout the country, triggering questions about the state of Iraqi security and about national elections planned for January 30.”

During this time, from the 2003 launch of the Iraq war to the 2009 Baghdad bombings, the United States was fighting in Afghanistan.

From 2003, the United States engaged in a two-front war, with most of its resources being spent in Iraq, chasing WMDs that never existed.

While we concentrated our resources in Iraq, Al Qaeda moved to Pakistan. Afghanistan slowly destabilized and corruption grew, as evidenced by the 2009 Afghan election.

In 2008, we elected Barack Obama and in November 2009 Rush Limbaugh claimed Obama is dithering in Afghanistan. George W. Bush dithered in Afghanistan from 2001 until he left office— making key strategic mistakes by concentrating his efforts in Iraq. So why doesn’t Limbaugh say Bush dithered?

In this instance, Limbaugh ignores history. He fails to tell people listening to his interview the truth. The truth is in the timeline. The truth is Bush dithered for years in Afghanistan, at great cost.

As Americans, we cannot expect any president to undo seven years of mismanagement in 12 months.

We need to exercise caution, for our security and the security of our soldiers fighting two wars.

The truth is that talk that ignores history distorts or ignores the facts. Limbaugh’s “dithering comments” proves this point.

Rush, the truth hurts. Instead of ignoring truth— try using it.

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Shrink Rap

Doomed to Repeat the Past?

By Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D

“It takes strength and diligence to break old conditioning, but you are ultimately free to become your own person/ lover/partner; free to learn what you need to learn in order to have healthy, thriving, happy relationships.”

Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga, and is the author of “Empowering the Tribe” and “The Power of a Partner.”

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Dear Dr. Rick, Thank you for your column. As many of my friends do, I often use it as my therapy. I am a single man, midthirties, no kids, although I was married briefly in my early twenties. I’ve had a rough decade or so relationship-wise, and I’ve been trying to learn about the connections between my family and their problems, and what my own issues are. In trying to gain insight into why I seem to have trouble with romance (unlike my friendships, which are going well, with both men and women), I’ve realized that I come from a very angry family, with very poor role-modeling, and lots of dysfunctional behaviors, including alcoholism, several divorces, minor troubles with the law, nieces and nephews with behavioral problems, etc. (I’m around my family more at this time of year, which is sometimes hard.)

So I’m wondering if these problems are “inherited,” so to speak, and if I’m doomed to repeat their crappy patterns, or if there’s hope for a healthy relationship for me someday.

— Wes in Chattanooga Wes: I appreciate both your concerns about what you may be “inheriting,” as well as your conscious efforts to understand yourself and your issues better. It’s very encouraging that you have a desire for healthy relationships and greater insight into your own behaviors. In fact, this desire may well be what “saves” you from having to repeat the dysfunctional patterns from your family of origin.

Insightful people ask themselves similar questions, when they get to that point of looking deeply at themselves and trying to figure a few things out. Do I get my anger from my father? How do my mother’s broken relationships affect my own chances

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at happiness? Did I learn enough in childhood about what it takes to have a good relationship in adulthood?

What’s missing…what’s getting in the way…how do I need to change in order to become more attractive to someone else…and to myself? Lots of good questions—not always with easy answers.

And you’re right: This is the time of year, the time of holiday get-togethers and a degree of, perhaps, forced family closeness, that will stir up all kinds of questions about one’s emotional and psychological roots. You’re sitting at the dinner table on Christmas Eve wondering, Has mom always been so controlling? Does Dad always dismiss my opinions like this? I never noticed how tense my sister and her husband seem to be. And on and on.

If you can keep yourself from getting too pulled into the negative drama, and just be an observer, these can be very illuminating experiences. A little detachment can go a long way toward insight. But if you become engaged in old, familiar, ongoing dysfunctions, rivalries, jealousies—getting your buttons pushed, so to speak—they can be very uncomfortable and even painful experiences to say the least.

Now, certainly you may enjoy wonderful moments with loved ones, also. For instance, acts of kindness and generosity (presents!), humorous banter and stories (that aren’t at anyone’s expense or to anyone’s detriment), fun outings (driving around looking at Christmas lights), happy events (a holiday party for family, friends, and neighbors), and warm traditions (volunteering or helping the less fortunate at your house of worship).

These can and do coincide with the difficult stuff.

And this is exactly what makes “family” a mixed bag at the holidays—

it’s rarely all good or all bad. Rather, it’s a time when mixed feelings run deep, sometimes in fairly intense, emotionally claustrophobic settings.

With relationships under a microscope like this, it’s no wonder we wonder about ourselves.

Healing and growth is complex, and I’d suggest the first step is awareness: What feels good to you and what doesn’t? For example, maybe your grandparents have a great sense of humor, yet can hold onto old grudges and unfinished business. Or perhaps your parents are loving, yet unsupportive if you stray from their expectations of you. Maybe you and your sibs are carrying painful secrets, or old resentments. You get the idea.

As you observe others, you must observe the traits you have in common with others, and whether these traits are working for you or not. Any behavior can be changed with motivation, practice, patience, and often, good therapy. To answer your question specifically, Wes, you are NOT destined to repeat family dysfunctions that you do not want to repeat. It takes strength and diligence to break old conditioning, but you are ultimately free to become your own person/lover/partner; free to learn what you need to learn in order to have healthy, thriving, happy relationships; free to discard whatever comes from your childhood that doesn’t serve you as an adult. It really is up to you to take responsibility. How badly do you want to be your own person?

But this “freedom” carries a price.

The price is paying attention, learning to have patience with yourself, and developing the vigilance to keep at it.

That may just be the most important piece for success: keeping at it. And when you experience success, even a baby step, be sure to acknowledge it—a wonderful gift to give yourself!

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Cover Story

BEYOND ENVISIONING THE FUTURE OF THE CITY

By Alison Burke

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century ago, architect and city planning visionary Daniel Burnham reshaped cities like Chicago, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. with a single, simple idea: “Think big.”

Today, in Chattanooga, this sort of big thinking is exactly what Stand is attempting. By the time you read this article, the grand total of 26,263 completed surveys will have been entered by the Center for Applied Research (CASR) and handed over to The Ochs Center for Metropolitan Studies for a few months of comprehensive analysis. This is a huge number of surveys. So huge, in fact, that it has made Chattanooga home to the largest survey-based visioning effort in the world. But 26,000-plus

is just a number.

“The gathering of so many survey It’s not really the big responses has already begun a part. process of face-to-face connectivity I write copy for Stand, and have for in our community. What is powerful six months now. But I about the data is its ability to be a am just one tiny part of the sum total. conversation starter.”

One of the most interesting things take the reins with their own vision about Stand is the immense number of and vigor. In fact, there is only one people who have played instrumental current employee of Stand that has roles in making it work. Stand has been here through it all. And that an advisory board of a dozen or so, person is Ashley Leinbach. hundreds of volunteers and roundtable What began as a vague research planning participants, and more than project for her morphed into the title 26,000 survey respondents. Many of of “data coordinator”, which means the original staff have since moved on that she has been responsible for to other jobs or projects across the managing, tracking, and counting region and the country. But, in each every single Stand survey, online and case, there has been someone else to on paper, that has come in, before 95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.3.09 The Pulse

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Cover Story passing them on to CASR for data entry. This makes her, arguably, the person most intimately connected to the results.

“With such a huge number of surveys collected, an issue that shows up repeatedly is going to demand attention. That being said, I think that some of the most important outcomes of Stand will not be directly tied to the data,” says Leinbach. “I think fostering connectivity and community spirit are some of the biggest things that will come out of Stand.”

Leinbach’s sentiment was echoed consistently as I interviewed Stand board members, volunteers, advocates, and staff in preparation for this piece. But her sentiment is also inherent in the sheer number of connections that have already been made between the many hands that have been a part of molding this massive undertaking thus far.

In the words of Caleb Ludwick, the Stand’s surveying phase was “less about the goal of 25,000 voices than trying to make sure that this one, that one, the other one—every one—had real access to speak freely and be heard. Stand is about creating a platform not for speaking, but for listening. To whom? To everyone—no matter who, what, when, where, why or how. Not a metaphorical ‘everyone,’ but a literal.”

This “everyone” theory is one that we carry with us into the next phase of Stand. Only this time, instead of trying to get everyone to fill out a survey, we’ll be trying to get everyone access to the survey results. But these results are, by no means, the ultimate answer. Neither are they some magical powder to be sprinkled across the region. And the data’s release is most certainly is not the end of Stand—but merely a starting point.

In fact, the gathering of so many survey responses has already begun a process of face-to-face connectivity in our community. What is powerful about the data is its ability to be a conversation starter.

“It’s going to take a lot of feet that are already on the ground, a lot of people who are already in office, plus new feet on the ground and new people coming into office to bring about an ambitious transformation.”

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Sally Robinson is the City Councilwoman for District 2, an area that spans from North Chattanooga to Northgate. She describes herself as being involved in Stand just like 26,000 other Chattanoogans have been. When asked about the survey responses, Robinson notes that, “The data isn’t the answer. The data is the beginning. It’s the question. It’s going to take a lot of feet that are already on the ground, a lot of people who are already in office, plus new feet on the ground and new people coming into office to bring about an ambitious transformation.”

Councilman Andrae McGary represents District 8, which covers neighborhoods from Avondale to Clifton Heights. McGary has been an advocate and participant of the campaign since the very beginning, and his outlook echoes that of Councilwoman Robinson. “Ultimately, I don’t think that we know exactly what the data should do,” says McGary. “We have some ideas of what it could do, but I think part of the fun of this is that we really don’t know what’s going to happen. But if you give enough people access to it, then you create the context for them to start talking to each other, which is the next piece. The issues are going to unite us.”

And, as Councilman McGary points out, all theories about the impact of survey results are mere speculation until the Ochs report is completed, which most likely won’t be until the end of 2010’s first quarter.

“There are 26,000 responses, and really we’re talking about hundreds of thousands of responses when you think about every single question, and then multiple responses under each question,” says Lori Quillen, the Ochs Center Policy

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Analyst who is heading up the research facility’s analysis of the Stand data. “Our job is to be very, very broad, just starting with the 5-7 broadest topics—places, education, economy, etc. And, where possible, we’ll provide statistics from our own research that puts some of these responses in context.”

In preparation for the report becoming available, Stand is evolving its weekly planning meetings into a new initiative called City Share, a bimonthly luncheon series in which Stand brings in community leaders from all over the country (and hopefully the world) via video chat, so that each can share the story of their initiative and their path to leadership with the citizens of our city.

“Learning from other cities is a great way to go,” says Karen Rudolph, a Stand volunteer whose day job is program assistant for the Lyndhurst Foundation. “Finding those cities that are out there and those communities out there that are doing interesting things will only serve to broaden our perspective. Whether we scale it up or we scale it down, it’s all scalable to us.”

The City Share series is possible due to the advent of videoconferencing technology, which makes learning directly from other cities a great deal more feasible. A speaker from hundreds, or even thousands of miles away joins Chattanoogans for a quick 30 minutes of story sharing and Q & A, followed by another 30 minutes of round-table discussion. This means that on every first and third Wednesday of the month, Chattanoogans can sit down together, gain direct inspiration from all over the globe, and then huddle up with fellow citizens to plan

Cover Story

out their own strategies for change.

Even before Stand’s weekly roundtable planning meetings transformed into City Share, they have long served as a means to bring together Chattanooga citizens who would otherwise not know each other. For example: At a recent lunchtime planning meeting, I witnessed Katie Waddell, a CreateHere fellow, sit down at a table with the Chattanooga Library Director David Clapp. In talking to one another over sandwiches, they came to discover a mutual love for celluloid—and by the end of their conversation, Waddell was planning to attend a public meeting to discuss the possibility of a Chattanooga film festival.

What this story exemplifies is the simple power of just getting people into a room together. What Stand hopes to create are situations like this one, in which individuals come together to discuss a topic of interest to them (perhaps without even a clear idea of what that topic is when they show up)—and soon, they’ll be able to use the survey data to both strengthen their argument and find others who care about the same thing.

In addition to City Share, a number of evening events focused on civic engagement are scheduled throughout December and January. The first will take place at green|spaces next Thursday, December 10 from 7 – 9 p.m. Stand is teaming up with Elizabeth Crews to present Street Fight, a documentary film about Cory Booker, the progressive community activist who became mayor of Newark, NJ in 2006. The screening will be followed by a panel discussion, in which several local political leaders will talk about their own paths to office.

In the end, Stand’s goal is to empower the citizens of Chattanooga with relevant information and tools to enact change—and then to fade away when it is no longer necessary.

“I believe that Stand at its launch needed to be in the spotlight, to some degree, to encourage participation,” says Caleb Ludwick. “But now is the time for Stand to get out of the way, and start shining that spotlight on others. Stand can be a tireless advocate of everything. Resources can be used to connect others—and then get out of the way.”

It is with this, that I’d like to return to Daniel Burnham, the city planner who reshaped Chicago a hundred years ago: “Make no little plans. They have no magic to stir men’s blood and probably themselves will not be realized. Make big plans; aim high in hope and work, remembering that a noble, logical diagram once recorded will never die, but long after we are gone will be a living thing, asserting itself with ever-growing insistency. Remember that our sons and grandsons are going to do things that would stagger us. Let your watchword be order and your beacon beauty. Think big.”

At the time that he made such a powerful statement about big ideas, Burnham was coauthoring a thoughtful and comprehensive plan to completely rethink his hometown, Chicago—from its architecture to its social structure. Some of the dreams laid out in his Plan for Chicago came to fruition, some didn’t. Either way, Burnham himself was choice-less in how the outcomes were implemented. He presented blueprints to the city in 1909 and died, just three years later, in 1912.

Stand is not going to die after the results of the survey are released, but like Burnham, we will not be the implementers of this idea. It is our job to present information to the public, provide what help we can in building and showcasing new initiatives, and then disappear completely.

Stephen Culp is a local entrepreneur. He is the owner of Smart Furniture, and also a Stand founder and one of our most active board members. This whole, huge thing that has been, and will continue to be, owned by thousands of people in our area, was dreamed up by three people—and Stephen was one of them. He’s been in on it even longer than Ashley Leinbach.

I asked Stephen what his hopes were for the future of Stand. “Stand can help, but ideally more as catalyst than manager or director. Maybe Stand can help can till and begin nurturing a ‘fertile field’ of sorts in our community—a place where seeds can land, ideas can spontaneously sprout, and the best ideas can grow and thrive.

What you get then is a healthy and diverse entrepreneurial ecosystem. I’d love to see that. I’d love to see hundreds, if not thousands, of citizenborn initiatives. I’d love to see people standing up and helping themselves.”

So maybe we don’t have to wait for our sons and grandsons to do things that would stagger us.

Maybe we will watch our neighbors do it.

City Share Schedule • Join Stand every 1st and 3rd Wednesday from 12-1 pm at CreateHere for light lunch, broad insight, and thoughtful discussion. City Share is free and open to the public.

• December 16: “Visioning in Real Time” featuring Russell Stall, executive director of Greenville Forward.

• January 6: “Collectives and Collaboration” featuring Justin Langlois, founding member of Broken City Lab.

“Ultimately, I don’t think that we know exactly what the data should do. We have some ideas of what it could do, but I think part of the fun of this is that we really don’t know what’s going to happen. But if you give enough people access to it, then you create the context for them to start talking to each other.”

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.3.09 The Pulse

13

Life In The Noog

Going Postal

By Chuck Crowder

I

“The United States government has no business being in any kind of business that must A) show a profit or at least pay for itself, and/or B) deliver anything on a daily basis.”

Chuck Crowder is a local writer and general man about town. His opinions are just that. Everything expressed is loosely based on fact, and crap he hears people talking about. Take what you just read with a grain of salt, but pepper it in your thoughts. And be sure to check out his wildly popular website www.thenoog.com

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just submitted my third problem tracker to Netflix informing them that once again the movie they sent me through the U.S. Mail never arrived. I’m sure that at some point they’ll wanna see the perceived, but impressive, DVD collection I’m building. And I wish I could explain where the DVDs are, but they’ll have to consult the Postmaster General on that one.

You see, my mail service is spotty at best. It’s probably because I live on a rural route that is serviced by whichever lucky carrier finishes their normal route in time to throw a few more letters around. Now, I’m sure you’re thinking that this means I live out in the sticks where my closest neighbor is half a mile away. But I actually live in the heart of the Southside, in downtown Chattanooga (and my closest neighbor is on the other side of my living room wall).

It seems that the movement to move back downtown has our local post office in a conundrum as to who should be assigned to the residents popping up in the zips once only occupied by abandoned warehouses and huge industrial businesses (with one mail box). So since moving in I’ve received (or haven’t received) mail with every possible transposition of numbers you can derive from the five that make up my street address. But that’s been four years ago, and the local postmaster should get the picture that my home is in fact not on wheels and I might have mail delivered here

The Pulse 12.3.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com 95.3 Pulse News

indefinitely.

Most people know the familiar face of their mailperson and know what time of day they can expect parcels and friendly a wave like clockwork. However, I get a different mailperson at a different time every day. That is, if they decide to come at all that day. I’ve noticed that if they don’t have any (or enough) mail to bring to the string of boxes in my townhouse row then they just save it up for another time. This is especially annoying when I have outgoing mail that doesn’t get picked up.

So what does the postal service decide to do in the wake of all this?

Close several branches around town. This can only mean that mail normally sorted and sent to the branch closest to your home for delivery will now be sent to the next closest branch, staffed by carriers who have no idea where you live (especially on a “rural” route).

Bottom line is that the United States government has no business being in any kind of business that must A) show a profit or at least pay for itself, and/or B) deliver anything on a daily basis.

We’re trillions upon trillions of dollars in debt to other countries because we can’t run our country with any sort of business sense at all. That’s because our country isn’t run by businessmen who must show a profit or return on investment to a Board of Directors or be replaced by someone who can. It’s run by a bunch of politicians whose primary goal is to give their constituents anything they want—regardless of the cost.

It’s actually amazing that you can seal up an envelope and mail

it anywhere in the continental U.S. for just 44 cents. But mailing it and receiving it are two different things.

UPS and Fed-X can’t do it and they’ve got the most logistically advanced systems of package delivery known to man. So why do we think the government can?

I know a few postal workers personally and they seem like good people. In fact, they’ll be the first to tell you that the system in place now just doesn’t work. It’s old, inefficient, frustrating for all those involved and extremely bureaucratic. They still wear wool pants for Pete’s sake.

Maybe that’s why some postal workers eventually snap and start collecting stray cats or talking incessantly to themselves (or worse).

Just look at how they’re portrayed on television. Cliff Clavin, the know-it-all “Cheers” bar patron with white socks under his too-shirt wool pants and Newman, the Seinfeld-nemesis, lazy carrier who loves footbaths and won’t work on rainy days.

But enough of my rant. Believe it or not, as I’m sitting here in my living room writing this, I just heard the tell-tale sound of my random postal carrier dropping mail into my box.

Let’s go see what it is…(BILLS!)

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.3.09 The Pulse

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Music Calendar Thursday Spotlight

The Meat Puppets with The Dexateens Legendary band, reformed in 2007, touring in support of Sewn Together. $12 9 p.m.

Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com

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Friday Spotlight

Meat Puppets with The Dexateens 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com DJ ScubaSteve Fox and Hound Pub & Grille, 2040 Hamilton Place Blvd #150. (423) 490-1200.

DJ Lucky Lucky’s, 2536 Cummings Highway, (423) 825-5145.

Thursday, December 3

Friday, December 4

Skillet: The Alive and Awake Tour 7 p.m. Memorial Auditorium, 399 McCallie Ave. (423) 757-TIXS. www.chattanoogaonstage.com Dana Rogers and more 7:30 p.m. Lindsay Street Hall, 901 Lindsay St. (423) 755-9111. www.lindsaystreethall.com Husky Burnette 8 p.m. Champy’s, 526 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 752-9198.

Dead Levy 8 p.m. T-Roys Roadhouse, 724 Ashland Terrace.

Open Mic 8 p.m. The Riverhouse, 224 Frazier Ave. (423) 752-0066.

Metal Weekend Kick Off Party 9 p.m. Ziggy’s Hideaway, 607 Cherokee Blvd.

(423) 634-1074. myspace.com/ziggyshideaway Open Mic Night 9 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Channing Wilson 9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com Georgia Scruff 9 p.m. Northshore Grille, 16 Frazier Ave. (423) 757-2000. www.northshoregrille.com Sweet and LowDown 9 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202.

(423) 499-5055.

Candies Creek Ensemble and Mark Merriman 6 p.m. Rock City Enchanted Gardens, 1400 Patten Rd. (706)-820-2531. www.seerockcity.com Kathy Tugman 7:30 p.m. The Foundry, 1201 Broad St. (423) 424-3775. www.chattanooganhotel.com Overture for Rent 7:30 p.m. The Original Blue Orleans Restaurant, 3208 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 629-6538.

Dead Levy 8 p.m. T-Roys Roadhouse, 724 Ashland Terrace.

Coathanger Abortion, Skew, Digging Graves, Plagues of Prophecy, SGF 8 p.m. Ziggy’s Hideaway, 607 Cherokee Blvd.

(423) 634-1074. myspace.com/ziggyshideaway Blue Eyed Grass 9:30 p.m. Riverhouse Pub, 224 Frazier Ave. (423) 752-0066.

Roger Alan Wade 10 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Downstroke 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com How I Became the Bomb, Moonlight Bride, Today the Sun Tommorrow the Moon 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

The Pulse 12.3.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com 95.3 Pulse News

Mike Harris and Deon Taylor 10 p.m. T-Bones Sports Café, 1419 Chestnut St. (423) 266-4240. www.tboneschattanooga.com Downstream 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com Harper Monica 8 p.m. Coltrane’s on 9th, 2 Union Square (Krystal Building). (423) 468-7100.

DJ Spicolli Raw Sushi Bar Restaurant & Nightclub, 409 Market Street, (423) 756-1919.

DJ GOP The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd #202, (423) 499-5055.

Saturday, December 5 Mountain Music Folk School 8:30 a.m. Fire Hall #1, 218 E. Main St. www.mainx24.com Round About Tour w/Treva Blomquist Rachel Pearl and Andy Metz 11:30 a.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9043. www.mudpierestuarant.com Rick Davis Noon. Niedlov’s, 215 Main St. www.mainx24.com Butch Ross, Concerning Lions, Moon Slew,& more 1 p.m. Soho Building, 45 E. Main St. www.mainx24.com Moonlight Bride, The Rayons, Jane Starship, Basement Lights 1 p.m. OCI Chilli Cook Off, 326 E. Main St. www.mainx24.com DJ Axis 4 p.m. Terminal Brewery, No. 6 14th St. www.terminalbrewhouse.com Frettin on Faith Dulcimer Club and Mark Merriman 6 p.m. Club Fathom, 412 Market St. www.clubfathom.com A Different Breed of Killer, Ageless Entity, Coathanger Abortion 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd.

How I Became the Bomb, Moonlight Bride, Today the Sun Tomorrow the Moon Another rockin’ night of music at JJ’s. $7 10 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.(423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia Round About Tour cont. with Treva Blomquist, Rachel Pearl, and Andy Metz 7 p.m. Pasha Coffee House, 3914 St. Elmo Ave. (423) 475-5482. www.pashacoffehouse.com Jetison Never, Moonshoes Mumsy, Tryezz Project, Feed The Lions 7 30 p.m. Club Fathom, 412 Market St. www.clubfathom.com Deathlock, Sordid Blood, 476, Neverwake, Incareri 9, Chaotic Suspensions 8 p.m. Ziggy’s Hideaway, 607 Cherokee Blvd.

(423) 634-1074. myspace.com/ziggyshideaway Kararoke 8 p.m. Rhapsody Café, 1201 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-3093.

Kathy Tugman 8 p.m. The Foundry, 1201 Broad St. (423) 424- 3775. www.chattanooganhotel.com DJ GOP 9 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202.

(423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com John Sutton 9 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Open Mic Night 9 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9043. www.mudpierestuarant.com Dead Levy 9:30 p.m. Riverhouse Pub, 224 Frazier Ave. (423) 752-0066.

Food not Bombs Benefit with ADDC and more 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400.

Music Calendar

Send your calendar events to us at calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

Saturday Spotlight

Chili Cookoff Loading Dock of Rock Moonlight Bride, The Rayons, Jane Starship and Basement Lights...part of the MainX24 festivities.

Free 1 p.m. - 6 p.m.

OCI, 326 East Main St. (423) 756-4531 www.officecoordinators.com Mix Master Mike and The Distribution at The Main Event 10 p.m. Old Hill’s Florist Building, corner of Main and Cowart. www.mainx24.com The Whigs, The Features, Mean Creek 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com DJ Spicolli Raw Sushi Bar Restaurant & Nightclub, 409 Market Street, (423) 756-1919.

Sunday, December 6 Sweet Georgia Sound, Uptown Noon. First Tennessee Pavilion, 1829 Carter St. www.chattanoogamarket.com Pickin in The Pulpit with Slim Pickens, Barefoot Nellie, and Mountain Cove Noon. Lindsay Street Hall, 901 Lindsay St. (423) 755-9111. www.lindsaystreethall.com Open Mic w/Jeff Daniels 4 p.m. Ms. Debbie’s Nightlife Lounge 4762 Highway 58, (423) 485-0966. myspace.com/debbieslounge Irish Music Sessions 6 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.com Blankets Benefit Show: Feed the Lions, EWAP, Amity, Fallacy and more 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd. The Molly Maguires 8 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400.

Sunday Spotlight

Open Mic 8 p.m. Gene’s Bar & Grill, 724 Ashland Terrace, (423) 870-0880. myspace.com/genem14 DJ GOP The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd #202, (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com

Monday, December 7 Old Tyme Players 6 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Monday Night Big Band 7 p.m. Lindsay Street Hall, 901 Lindsay St. (423) 755-9111. www.lindsaystreethall.com DJ at the Palms 8 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202.

(423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com

Tuesday, December 8 Ocean is a Theory, Aneirein, Behold The Brave, Axiom, Appletrees and Tangerines 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd. myspace.com/warehousetn The Ben Friberg Trio 7 p.m. Table 2, 232 E. 11th Street, (423) 756-8253. www.table2restaurant.com Billy Hopkins & Friends 8 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Spoken Word/Poetry Night 8 p.m. The Riverhouse, 224 Frazier Avenue, (423) 752-0066 Open Mic with Hellcat 9 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919.

Channing Wilson 9 p.m. Spectators, 7804 E. Brainerd Rd. (423) 648-6679.

Editor’s Pick of the Week

The Molly Maguires Settle back with an ale and

a bit of Christmas blarney from our favorite local Irish folk/party/dance band.

Free 8 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia Jonathan Wimpee 9 p.m. Northshore Grille, 16 Frazier Ave. (423) 757-2000. www.northshoregrille.com Open Mic with Mike McDade 9 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1966. www.tremonttavern.com Karaoke 9:30 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com DJ ScubaSteve Fox and Hound Pub & Grille, 2040 Hamilton Place Blvd. #150, (423) 490-1200.

DJ GOP The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202, (423) 499-5055.

Wednesday, December 9

The Whigs with The Features The Athens, GA band returns to Chattanooga after tearing up the country in support of new CD In the Dark. They’ll be joined at R&B by Middle Tennesseans (and local faves) The Features. $10 10 p.m.

Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com

Ben Friberg Jazz Trio 7 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Fried Chicken 8 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202.

(423) 499-5055.

Slim Pickens, New Brinkley Bros. Gerle Haggard 8 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com Cody McCarver 9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com Open Mic 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.3.09 The Pulse

17

Music Feature

The Bomb Drops in Chattanooga

By Hellcat

W

hen you first hear the band name “How I Became the Bomb”, you can’t help but laugh. It’s a truly great name. Granted, it refers to Dr. Strangelove, but it also holds a great deal of confidence. This band definitely is not suffering from a shortage in that department.

Have you ever seen a band on stage and thought that they belonged there? This is a band that would fit into that category. The lead singer, who goes by “The King”, is a trip. This guy probably has a house that smells of leather-bound books and rich mahogany, because he pulls off kind of being a big deal really well.

The fun names don’t end with “The King”—they begin. You also have “The Cat Man”, on guitar, “The Professor” (who is a master of synthesizing), “Biz” on bass, and “Big Spo” on the drums. It’s like a walking party, which is exactly what has gotten them the loyal following that they have in our little Scenic City.

reason they are, in fact, The Bomb.

Two of the band members, Jon Burr and Adam Richardson, met in high school, in Rome, GA and then later Burr met the rest of the line-up, Andy Spore and Denis Deck, working in a bookstore in Murfreesboro.

Most bands get together and it takes forever for them to record, and then an additional forever to get anyone to notice…if they ever do. However, this band was different.

How I Became the Bomb recorded their first EP, Let’s Go!, after only playing four shows together. This seven-song EP apparently got everyone’s attention.

Released in May of 2006, the EP was featured by Billboard Magazine in September of the same year. The same recording was named “Online Pick of the Day” by Rolling Stone in October, and by the following summer, the band had gained merit in the UK by being named “Band of the Day” by The Guardian.

How does this happen? It sounds like a musician’s fairytale. Perhaps the answer lies, again, in the fact that they are The Bomb, or maybe they are magic. Regardless, the impressiveness doesn’t stop here. They have European management, and secured a spot on the UK festival circuit, taking them through Spain and through the UK, which proved to be lucrative in both exposure and contacts. They shared the stage with Spoon, Arcade Fire, and Jesus & Mary Jane, just to name a few.

Europe treated the band well, considering How I Became the Bomb signed licensing deals with V2 in the UK, which is now owned by Universal. They also signed with Yep Rock, in Japan (which represents Reverend Horton Heat) as well as Sinnamon Records in Spain, with heavyweights such as Arcade Fire, Arctic Monkeys, and Hot Hot Heat. All of this was done in 2007, so you can see, the band had been fairly busy and laid low for about a year while recording some new material.

They finished the first of several “volumes” in 2008, called “Vol. 1: Who Dares Wins”. The

“The band is sharp-witted lyrically and very tight musically.

I feel that somewhere out there Molly Ringwald is jamming out to these tunes.”

The first time I saw them at JJ‘s Bohemia, I was so amused by their stage antics, costumes, and personalities, that I was instantly a fan. The addictive high-energy music that pumped from the group didn’t hurt, either.

The band is based out of Nashville, currently, and tour pretty constantly. While Nashville has a reputation for being a hard city to break into, this band had no problem, which is, I guess, part of the

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The Pulse 12.3.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com 95.3 Pulse News

volumes are generally three songs, released digitally for free downloads. The goal was to put all of the volumes together for a full-length album release at the end of the year. The remaining volumes consist of: “Vol. II: Foremost Sentinel”, “Vol. III: They Can What it Seems They Cannot”, and “Vol. IV: Through Adversity To The Stars”. The complete collection of volume songs has now been released on what they call an “annual” and it is entitled Deadly Art and will be available at the show.

To me, the band sounds like a mixture of ’80s pop, technically updated to have a modern feel and guilty pleasure. The lead singer’s voice is slightly reminiscent of Morrissey, alone or with The Smiths. The emotionality of that type of music is definitely heard in the lyrics. The band is sharpwitted lyrically and very tight musically. I feel that somewhere out there Molly Ringwald is jamming out to these tunes, the way that I will be this Friday at JJ’s Bohemia. Moonlight Bride and Today the Sun Tomorrow the Moon, will also be sharing the stage.

It promises to be a great night—I hope to see you all out there.

How I Became The Bomb With Moonlight Bride and Today the Sun Tomorrow the Moon Friday, December 4 10 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

New Music Reviews Melt-Banana W Melt-Banana Lite Live: ver.0.0 (A-Zap)

“There are more chaotic elements permeating the staccato, piercing notes, like buzzsaw noise and what sounds like someone trying frantically and unsuccessfully to find a station on an AM radio.”

Girls at Our Best!

Pleasure (Cherry Red)

The Leeds band Girls at Our Best! (only 25 percent female, by the way) had a brief yet fruitful career from 1979 to 1982, working in the space between post-punk and more pop-oriented forms, and the tugging, conflicted musical forces at work are actually comfortably harmonic and even deceptively cheery, at times. For example, “Warm Girls” trades off foreboding chords and singing with layered vocal harmonies and even

ith its collective tongue firmly planted in its cheek, the Japanese thrash speedmetal band Melt-Banana has dubbed itself “Melt-Banana Lite” for certain live shows, when no guitars are used. This configuration is documented on the band’s latest album Melt-Banana Lite Live: ver.0.0, recorded live in Tokyo in the summer of 2009, and it has the opposite instrumentation of the group’s last studio album, Bambi’s Dilemma, which used a guitar, a bass, and an abused drum machine.

The live album at hand features a human drummer along with samplers and synthesizers, and even lead singer Yasuko Onuki’s crazed cartoon character vocals get electronically sliced and diced and julienned at certain moments.

There is no question that MeltBanana Lite is as intense and insane as regular (if you can call it that) Melt-Banana, with tight, stop-ona-dime performances. However, there are more chaotic elements permeating the staccato, piercing notes, like buzz-saw noise and what sounds like someone trying frantically and unsuccessfully to find a station on an AM radio.

Just from listening, it’s not quite easy to discern which language is being barked out, but a look at the lyric sheet confirms that the songs

are actually in English. On one level, the vocal attack is really what matters the most, but there’s a layer of juvenile absurdity because of the lyrics themselves and the way they are delivered in a most urgent manner. Take “Dog Song,” which features lines like, “I see some nose, I see some big ears, I see him jump ’cause he’s a dog” and animalistic yelping. With 15-second speed metal bursts (“T for Tone”) and more lengthy, expansive, interstellar pieces with damaged electronics like “Last Target on the Last Day,” MeltBanana Lite Live: ver.0.0 is one of the most potent half-hour blasts of barbed weirdness since, well, the last Melt-Banana album.

– Ernie Paik

a mid-song disco beat. One of the group’s best songs, the single “Getting Nowhere Fast,” has an irresistible charm and a lean structure, and its abrupt ending signals that it has said everything it needed to say; brattily, lead vocalist Judy Evans sings, “You’ve lost the warranty, you’ll never get your money back,” before revealing her granted second chance: “My baby’s buying me another life.”

The band’s sole album, Pleasure, has been out of print for years, and this recent version from Cherry Red expands upon the 1994 Vinyl Japan reissue with five additional selections: a not-bad 4-song Richard Skinner BBC radio session and a twangy, distorted instrumental demo entitled “Boys at Their Best!” Everything most fans (or curious post-punk

aficionados) would need is on this disc, including the half-dozen nonalbum single tracks that were on the previous reissue. The group’s best songs were on its singles, but despite some awkward Far East touches, Pleasure holds up fairly well, edging closer to the pop side of things with some keyboard contributions from Thomas Dolby and the unabashed schoolgirl vocals. Actually, the very beginning of “Fast Boyfriends” sounds like it could be some lost Go-Gos number, with bright, ringing guitar notes. It would be a stretch to call Girls at Our Best! absolutely essential, but its infectious sounds will likely hit the spot for fans of bands like Altered Images, Delta 5, and LiLiPUT and post-punk-pop adherents.

— Ernie Paik 95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.3.09 The Pulse

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New in Theaters Up in the Air

Solution To Last Week’s Puzzle

Co-written (with Sheldon Turner), directed, and produced by Academy Award-nominee Jason Reitman from a Walter Kim novel, Up in the Air features an all-star cast including George Clooney, Jason Bateman, Anna Kendrick, Vera Farmiga, and Melanie Lynskey. Ryan Bingham (Clooney) spends most of his life in hotels, airports, and on planes—“up in the air.” When companies need to downsize but don’t have the cojones to send in their own people to do it, he’s the one they’re hiring to do the firing—basically a hatchet man atlarge. The film is primarily a vehicle for George Clooney and he’s easily up to the task. Even so, Up in the Air is clearly Reitman’s vision and he’s assembled a team that executes it perfectly. With the exception of the famous actors, every person we see fired in the film is not an actor but a real-life recently-laid-off person. The filmmakers put out ads in St. Louis and Detroit posing as a documentary crew looking to document the effect of the recession. When people showed up, they were instructed to treat the camera like the person who fired them and respond as they did or use the opportunity to say what they wished they had. Reitman began writing the screenplay in 2002 when the economy was booming and planned to make it as his first feature. The

opportunities to make Thank You for Smoking (2005) and Juno (2007) presented themselves, and he put this off until this year. Meanwhile America plummeted into an economic recession. He said the film’s tone changed completely in response to the real-world crisis and works much better now as a topical piece than it would have a decade ago, the delays in its realization being fortuitous.

Starring: George Clooney, Vera Farmiga, Anna Kendrick, Jason Bateman Director: Jason Reitman Rating: R

Also in Theaters

Never Worry About Losing A Copy Of The Pulse Keep Up Online at www.chattanoogapulse.com

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The Pulse 12.3.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com 95.3 Pulse News

Armored (New) A crew of officers at an armored transport security firm plan the ultimate heist to steal millions from their own company.

Brothers (New) When a Marine goes missing overseas, his black-sheep brother cares for his wife and children at home, with serious consequences.

Everybody’s Fine (New) A widower embarks on a road trip to reconnect with his grown children, only to find that their lives are far from perfect.

Serious Moonlight (New) When Meg Ryan learns that her husband is leaving her for a younger woman, she ties him up until they talk things through.

Fantastic Mr. Fox George Clooney supplies the voice of the wily hero

in director Wes Anderson’s animated adaptation of the classic Roald Dahl story.

Ninja Assassin A skilled assassin engages in a deadly game of cat and mouse to take down the elusive secret society of killers-for-hire that trained him.

Old Dogs Robin Williams and John Travolta are not-so-kidsavvy bachelors who are unexpectedly charged with the care of 7-year-old twins.

The Road Viggo Mortensen stars in a post-apocalyptic survival tale of a father and son who journey across America after a mysterious cataclysm.

The Princess and the Frog Walt Disney presents an animated female twist on the traditional Frog Prince fairy tale, set in New Orleans’ French Quarter.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner star in the next chapter of the popular supernatural romance saga.

The Blind Side Sandra Bullock stars as a well-to-do suburban mom who forms an unlikely friendship with a struggling teen from a broken home.

Planet 51 The sudden arrival of an alien—an American astronaut—wreaks havoc among the little green inhabitants of a distant alien planet.

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans Nicolas Cage stars as a drug-addicted rogue cop who play and fast and loose with the law in postKatrina New Orleans.

2012 A group of survivors struggle to stay alive.

Buy This Book

A New Look at Lookout

By Janis Hashe

T

he perfect gift for the local history buff on your list might have just arrived: William F. Hull’s new book Lookout Mountain.

Native Chattanoogan Hull is the author of two other popular books on his hometown, Historic Photos of Chattanooga and Then and Now: Chattanooga. This newest publication is part of the “Images of America” series, celebrating the history of neighborhoods, towns and cities across the country.

“What makes a landmark?” asks Hull in his introduction. “Why would Martin Luther King in his famous ‘I Have a Dream’ speech ask that ‘freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee?’”

While there might be several answers to both questions, Hull’s book is a really marvelous pictorial, beginning with the Whiteside family in pre-Civil War (“A Southern Landmark in Old America”), continuing through the war with some remarkable photos, drawings and paintings of encampments and battles (including one of General Grant, eternal cigar in mouth, on top of the mountain following Hooker’s victory in the Battle Above the Clouds.

The following chapters celebrate the area’s beauty (including some early shots of Lula Falls), views of the mountain from the valley, the ingenious ways people figured out how to get up the mountain, including the Incline (“Scaling the Heights”), and a range of photos from all eras documenting “Life on the Mountain.”

In one striking shot from this chapter, an elderly black man sits in front of a shanty he has obviously constructed himself. Notes Hull, “For all its wealth, parts of Lookout Mountain were not prosperous.

There was a small African American community on the mountain that was self-sufficient, but for many years, there were a number of people surviving on the side and back of the mountain who were living in tough circumstances.”

The final chapter, “Tourist Town”, shows off early photos of Umbrella Rock, the Dixie Highway, Ruby Falls and Rock City, including a couple of my creepy favorites, the gnomes.

In any case, whether you have a relative here who has a history hobby, or know someone elsewhere in the country who’d enjoy a little background on your new

“The final chapter, ‘Tourist Town’, shows off early photos of Umbrella Rock, the Dixie Highway, Ruby Falls and Rock City, including a couple of my creepy favorites, the gnomes.” hometown, consider seeking out Lookout Mountain, which goes on sale December 7.

Lookout Mountain $21.99, Arcadia Publishing. Available at local booksellers, online bookstores, or www.arcadiapublishing.com

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.3.09 The Pulse

21

On The Beat

Alex and the Electronaut

By Alex Teach

I

don’t work the geographic area of Chattanooga known as “Hixson”. My distance from it is very intentional, but for once I had a reason to go there and I was afraid I might miss it. It was after midnight and winter was giving us a sneak preview, cold air gusting past my cruiser as I rolled through the hills of Hixson’s southern gates of North Chattanooga, waved on by herbally slackened guards, stared at by the psilocybin-filled lookouts, and avoided completely by the ultra-paranoid Lysergic Acid Diethylamites.

I reduced speed to navigate the treacherous and speed-camera-laden curves that often belie Hixson’s air of gentility, and as I did so I blew past dozens of places with dozens of bad memories from a dozen years ago…but once I got there, I realized I’d have made the trip twice.

Who am I kidding? Ten times. A thousand.

Don’t get me wrong about Hixson. It’s not that I am too good for it; in fact, it’s quite the opposite.

I simply have no idea how to work there at all and my attempts to do so and relate to its indigenous peoples have consistently resulted in failure, but the events unfolding there tonight were, like me, “East Lake” to their core and I simply had to see it. I was even surprised (such a rare and delicious event in itself!) that when I arrived, I not only saw my destination…I smelled it.

Take it from me, Constant Reader: Little else catches your attention like a man on fire. It was freakin’ amazing. (In an awful way, of course.)

He was writhing and smoldering at the base of a large electrical transformer, ironically separated from our help by the very thing (or things) that were supposed to have protected him from his current situation in the first place: Two large-ish cyclone fences and a shitload of common sense.

Our Man of the Hour had, at current guess, cut through a

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security fence that cordoned off a residential electrical substation from the rest of the world. The fence itself was capped with barbed wire and festooned with worded and pictographic signage indicating the inherent uncoolness of molesting the objects contained therein. Unambiguous words like “DANGER” and “HIGH VOLTAGE” and “REALLY?” were plastered all about the station, reinforced by Paleolithic-era cave-painting-style stick figures experiencing shock and agony for the literary impaired. (It was Hixson, after all.)

In case this failed, the wise engineers even added a second cyclone fence to underscore the importance of not licking or otherwise rubbing on such dangerous machinery. Such was our Human Yule Log’s determination, however, he didn’t even bother cutting this one open. He just climbed over it and began digging up his intended prize: the copper wire that served as the electrical transformers’ grounding circuit. Then so focused was he on his $3.14-a-pound booty, that after he pulled it from the ground, he climbed atop the multi-ton device which it had uncoincidentally electrically grounded, and so marked the last of many, many poor decisions this night.

It was there that he failed to complete a job application, but gloriously managed to complete a circuit, and in the process discovered the difference between state law and “Ohm’s Law”: You can fool one, but never the other. And like an angry woman or Africanized bees, a General Electric polyphase transformer suffers no fools. He became what I call an “electronaut”, riding a white-hot flash of glory into pages of history over which the great Darwin himself would have smiled.

Allow ol’ Alex to briefly explain: It takes around 100 milliamps to stop a human heart.

This device channeled somewhere between 13,000 and 33,000 volts, hence bypassing such pedestrian symptoms as muscular contractions and going straight for cardiac arrest and heat transference that was of such a magnitude his skin likely caught his clothing on fire

“Take it from me, Constant Reader: Little else catches your attention like a man on fire. It was freakin’ amazing.” (instead of the reverse, which is my normal experience in such). It was incredible to witness, even as firefighters finally cut through the fence to get to him. He survived a phenomenal six hours in this condition. What a fine death.

My time and column length are short, but know this: Do not mistake my mindset for cruelty. I am incapable of such, a human robot with shit for a soul, as cops are viewed. I just appreciate what happened as being a pure statistical anomaly. And as it further happens, I deal with statistical anomalies by “getting really excited and chatty about it.” See? Don’t try to get me fired over this bit, too.

After it was all over, I eased back to my district, obsessing over Mr. Crisp’s last-minute journey at the speed of light, and in truth haven’t really stopped doing so since then.

But I have to admit: Hixson just racked up some “Cool Points” in my book.

See? I’m capable of changing my mind, “shocking” as it may be.

What a night.

When officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrolling our fair city on the heels of the criminal element, he is an occasional student at UTC, an up and coming carpenter, auto mechanic, prominent boating enthusiast, and spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center.

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.3.09 The Pulse

23

Arts & Entertainment

Getting His YA/YAs Out

By Michael Crumb

A

rt lovers heading to New York will have a chance to see work by Chattanooga artist Rondell Crier at the Guggenheim Museum. Crier has contributed pieces to the installation that will become the visual staging for the museum’s production of Peter and the Wolf by Sergei Prokofiev. Tickets are currently on sale.

Rondell Crier arrived in Chattanooga four years ago, after his place in Metairie, Lousiana, was destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. Crier remains the executive director of New Orleans-based art collective YA|YA (Young Aspirations|Young Artists).

YA|YA was commissioned by the Guggenheim to produce ten pieces, including all the Peter and the Wolf characters.

For this installation, Crier and fellow New Orleans artist Runtherion Ratiff are the YA|YA project leaders and art directors. This production will feature the Julliard Ensemble conducted by George Manahan from the New York City Opera.

Isaac Mizrahi will narrate, and Jennifer Tipton will animate the performance through lighting design.

fabrications. Wood remains a preferred medium for Crier, but he works with a range of media, including stone, metal, fabric, video and graphics. Other YA|YA members created the pieces that complete this commission.

Crier joined YA|YA at its inception more than 20 years ago, when he was 14. Much of YA|YA’s work has involved furniture design, and, more recently, textiles. YA|YA was commissioned

by Swatch Watches, and Crier did two Swatch designs.

In 1988, New Orleans artist Jana Napoli collaborated with Rabouin High School students for a public art project that involved painting business buildings in the school’s neighborhood.

From this successful collaboration YA|YA emerged. The YA|YA dynamic combines youth vision with artistic mentoring. In his role as executive director, Crier embodies this dynamic, being an alumnus of the program.

Recently, the Patten Performance Series brought Waiting for Godot to UTC, in a production by the Classical Theatre of Harlem.

Paul Chan, a multi-media artist from New York, was inspired by a field in the Lower Ninth Ward, which suggested “Godot” to him. My understanding is that Paul Chan invited the Classical Theatre of Harlem to New Orleans, and from this, the company’s vision of Waiting for Godot developed. Crier fabricated a bike, a tree and a cart/basket as set pieces, based on Paul Chan’s drawings.

Chan also distributed street signs based on this play’s text all over New Orleans’ neighborhoods.

Rondell Crier has also worked on art projects that attempted to document the devastation of Katrina. He took more than 500 photographs of the debris, and mounted a video camera on his car in order to produce “On the Streets,” an installation in which vast remnants of objects left behind tried to encompass the enormous loss left in Katrina’s wake.

Crier also collaborated with Jana Napoli in the production of “Floodwall.” Napoli collected

“Crier has contributed pieces to the installation that will become the visual staging for the museum’s production of Peter and the Wolf by Sergei Prokofiev.”

Crier himself created the character “Grandfather,” “an essence of grandfather featuring a long copper tie and including the clock concept.”

He also created “Peter,” made from a chair with wheels. Crier expresses his genuine gratitude to local sculptor Isaac Duncan and Greg Ross of Estate of Confusion for their assistance with his

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drawers full of objects left behind by the storm and Crier documented these drawers into a digital, interactive installation and database. Oral recollections from owners of the drawers also were integrated into the project.

From Chattanooga to New Orleans to New York, visions and the collaborations that realize these visions form the paradigm of artistic collectivity, moving art to move us.

Peter and the Wolf Installation begins December 8 Production dates: December 10-14 Guggenheim Museum, 1071 Fifth Avenue at 89th Street New York, NY www.guggenheim.org

A&E Calendar Friday

Thursday

Holiday Vocal Concert at CCA Five choirs sing Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa songs. $5 7:30 p.m.

Chattanooga High School Center for Creative Arts, 1301 Dallas Road. (423) 209-5942.

Send your calendar events to us at calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

Holiday Bazaar 4 p.m. Jewish Cultural Center, 5461 Terrace Ave. (423) 493-0270. www.jcfgc.com Northshore Art Walk 5 p.m. Association for Visual Arts, 30 Frazier Ave. (423) 265-4282. www.avarts.org Madrigal Dinner 6:30 p.m. Covenant College, 14049 Scenic Hwy. (706) 820-1560.

Cookbook signing of Blackberry Farms with Sam Beall 7 p.m. Rock Point Books, 401 Broad St. (423) 432-8579. www.rockpointbooks.com A Christmas Carol 7 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St., Main Stage.

(423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com

The Nutcracker Ballet Tennessee with Sugar Plum Fairies, Mice, etc. $12—$18 8 p.m.

UTC Fine Arts Center, corner of Vine and Palmetto Sts. (423) 425-4269. www.utc.edu/finearts

Saturday

47th Annual Chattanooga Boys Choir Singing Christmas Tree This year: Second Chance Christmas. $11 2 and 7:30 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad Street (423) 642-TIXS. www.chattanoogaonstage.com

Monday Jewish Film Series: Hollywoodism: Jews, Movies, and the American Dream 7 p.m. Jewish Cultural Center, 5461 Terrace Ave. (423) 493-0270. www.jcfgc.com “Speak Easy” Spoken word and poetry 8 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9040. www.mudpierestaurant.com “Angels” by Mary Ferris Kelly Exum Gallery, St. Pauls Episcopal Church, 305 7th St. (423) 266-8195.

“Reflections” Shuptrine Fine Art and Framing, 2646 Broad St. (423) 266-4453. www.alanshuptrine.com “Magnificent Fifty” North River Civic Center, 1009 Executive Dr. (423) 870-8924.

Bradley Wilson “Hard Lessons in Zoology: Paintings, Drawings, Assemblages” 5 p.m. In-Town Gallery, 26A Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9214.

Open House with art and jewelry by Chuck Frye and Christina Glidden 6 p.m. Lookout Mountain Gallery, 3535-A Broad St. (423) 508-8117.

“Look Again” Opening Reception 6:30 p.m. River Gallery, 400 E. Second St. (423) 265-5033. www.river-gallery.com Madrigal Dinner 6:30 p.m. Covenant College, 14049 Scenic Hwy. (706) 820-1560.

Scenic City Chorale 7 p.m. Brainerd United Methodist Church, 4315 Brainerd Rd. (423) 755-6100.

Chattanooga Girls Choir “Pictures of December” 7:30 p.m. First Cumberland Presbyterian Church, 1505 N. Moore Rd. (423) 629-6188.

James Gregory 7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch & Giggles Grille, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233.

Behold the Lamb of God: The True Tall Tale of the Coming of Christ 7:30 p.m. Ripple Theater, 3264 Brainerd Rd. (423) 475-3006.

Madeline’s Christmas 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Circle Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com A Christmas Carol 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Main Stage, 400 River St., (423) 267-8534.

Sunday 3rd Annual Mainx24 Fine Arts Showcase Exhibit 9 a.m. (423) 475-5533. www.mainx24.com Jewelry Trunk Show and Painting Demonstration 10 a.m. In-Town Gallery, 26A Frazier Ave. (423)267-9214.

Mosaic Market 11 a.m. 412 Market St. (corner of 4th/Market) (423) 624-3915.

Hansel and Gretel Opera 1 p.m. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 648-6069.

Madeline’s Christmas 2:30 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Circle Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534.

Hansel and Gretel Opera 3 p.m. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 648-6069.

Holiday Swing Dance 7 p.m. The Clearstory, 400 E. Main St. (423) 316-7391.

Tuna Christmas 7:30 p.m. Colonnade Center, 264 Catoosa Cir., Ringgold, GA. (706) 935-9000.

James Gregory 7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch & Giggles Grille, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233.

A Christmas Carol 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Main Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534.

The Nutcracker 8 p.m. UTC Fine Arts Center, 615 McCallie Ave. (423) 425-4269.

Wind Symphony and Jazz Ensemble 8 p.m. Southern Adventist University, 4881 Taylor Cir. Collegedale, TN. (423) 236-2880.

Tuesday

Wednesday

“Judge Garrett Andrews and the Founding of Chattanooga” Lecture 6:30 p.m. Chattanooga-Hamilton Bicentennial Library, 1001 Broad St. (423)757-5310.

Holiday Walking Tour 7 p.m. Chattanooga History Center, Ross Landing.

(423) 265-3247.

“The Kennedys: Portrait of a Family” Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944.

“Look Again” River Gallery, 400 E. Second St. (423) 265-5033.

“Love Supreme: An Exhibit Inspired by the Legendary John Coltrane” Chattanooga African American Museum, 200 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-8658.

Multicultural Literature Book Club A Year in the Merde by Stephen Clarke 6 p.m. Rock Point Books, 401 Broad St. (423) 432-8579. www.rockpointbooks.com Bradley Wilson “Hard Lessons in Zoology: Paintings, Drawings, Assemblages” In-Town Gallery, 26A Frazier Ave. (423)267-9214. www.intowngallery.com “Perspective” Mosaic Gallery, 412 Market St. (423) 320-6758.

“Surface Tension: AVA Invitational” Association for Visual Arts, 30 Frazier Ave. (423) 265-4282. www.avarts.org “Paris Comes to Chattanooga” Artful Eye Gallery, 5646 Brainerd Rd. (423) 855-7424.

Dickens Dinner Feast with Mr. and Mrs. Dickens before seeing A Christmas Carol. $75 6:30 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Main Stage Lobby, 400 River Street. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com

First Free Sundays Noon. Hunter Museum of Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org The Nutcracker 2 p.m. UTC Fine Arts Center, 615 McCallie Ave. (423) 425-4269.

A Christmas Carol 2:30 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Main Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com Behold the Lamb of God: The True Tall Tale of the Coming of Christ 2:30 p.m. Ripple Theater, 3264 Brainerd Rd. (423) 475-3006. www.rippletheater.com Madeline’s Christmas 2:30 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Circle Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com

Editor’s Pick: Featured Event Of The Week

Chattanooga Holiday Market Last chance for holiday shopping at the Market, bigger and better than ever this year. Always at its most festive for the holidays, it offers a chance to drop off “Coats for Kids” this week, new or gently used children’s coats for those who have none.

Free 11 a.m. – 4 p.m.

First Tennessee Pavilion, 1829 Carter Street (423) 648-2496. www.chattanoogamarket.com

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.3.09 The Pulse

25

Spirits Within

The Reign of Barrel Number 26

By Joshua Hurley

L

ast week we talked about helping the environment by buying a bottle of vodka.

The week before we discussed Beaujolais Nouveau from France and how it’s the ultimate holiday-time wine. Some time ago, we went to Kentucky to learn about bourbon whiskey from the distillers at Buffalo Trace, and as promised then, for this week’s “Great Buy” we will go back to Buffalo Trace to talk about their Single Barrel Bourbon Whiskey. “Great Buys” is where Riley’s Wine and Spirits on Hixson Pike in Hixson picks favorite items from our selection of wine and spirits from around the world and shares them with readers of The Pulse.

Buffalo Trace Bourbon is a new product on the Chattanooga market, and judging by early sales and response, it very well could become a permanent addition along with Jack Daniels, Jim Beam and Maker’s Mark.

Single-barrel bourbon whiskey is a premium class, in which each bottle comes from an individual charred oak barrel instead of being the product of many different oak barrels, blended for a uniform color and taste.

The whiskey from each barrel is bottled individually with each bottle bearing the barrel number, and in most cases, the dates from the beginning and end of aging. None of the whiskey is blended, creating a unique flavor and overall character from each barrel.

Buffalo Trace honors the spirit of the buffalo, along with the first settlers and explorers who followed one another across the Kentucky River and westward. In fact, Buffalo Trace was the first to ever ship whiskey down the Mississippi River, the first to use steam power for distilling, the first to use organic corn and the first to market single-barrel bourbon whiskey.

The master distillers at Buffalo Trace make every effort to preserve the time-honored method in making great bourbon whiskey. They begin right at the beginning with picking only the finest corn, rye and malted barley available from Kentucky and

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Indiana. Secondly, they use only steam-heated mashing water, filtered through Kentucky limestone rich in minerals. Once the water reaches the correct temperature, the rye, corn and malted barley are added.

The third step is fermentation.

Trace uses 12 fermenters, the largest amount in the industry. Fermentation lasts anywhere between three and five days. The fourth step in the process is distillation, and for its single-barrel bourbon, Trace uses only barrels made from the finest oak available.

Typically, when the distiller bottles bourbon, he collects together several hundred barrels, combines them all, chills and filters the bourbon, cuts it with water, and then bottles it. The result is usually a good bourbon whiskey—if all is done correctly.

With the process of singlebarrel bourbon, the master distiller periodically samples the different bourbon in all the barrels. The barrels that contain unusually fine whiskey are recorded and separated from the rest, then allowed to age and mature in years far beyond the other standard bourbons.

When they are at their peak of perfection, they are taken and bottled one barrel at a time. Each bottle lists the barrel number, location in the warehouse and date bottled on its label. Only the cream of the crop becomes “Single Barrel Bourbon”.

Buffalo Trace sent Riley’s Wine and Spirits six different single-barrel bourbons to sample. The owners and employees sampled them all—and everyone agreed on the same barrel as the best: Barrel Number 26. Buffalo Trace has bottled pints, fifths and half gallons of this exceptional singlebarrel bourbon whiskey and sent the barrel and the bottles only to Riley’s.

Cheers!

Table Service

A Taste of Hibachi Heaven

By Colleen Wade

H

ibachi-style dining has become a favorite of Americans. We just LOVE to be entertained, and let’s face it, hibachi-style dining can be very entertaining. Hibachistyle cooking, traditionally called teppanyaki, was made famous by the Benihana restaurant chain, which opened its first restaurant in the US in 1964. Since then, “hibachi” has become a household word, and various other restaurants have popped up that are built around an iron cooking griddle and some extremely masterful chefs. The latest of these to grace the Chattanooga area is Fuji Steak & Sushi.

Fuji Steak & Sushi, located near Hamilton Place Mall, is an aesthetically pleasing mixture of East meets very trendy West. The experience begins before you even cross the threshold of the restaurant. Flanking the front entry are two pillar fountains, decidedly Zen in style. Set in the door is another fountain, also Zen in design.

Once you enter the restaurant, you will find the space very light and open. The lighting above the bar/sushi bar consists of bulbs covered by cleverly reconditioned glass bottles in varying shades. There is a private dining room on one side of the restaurant affording diners a more

intimate atmosphere.

The other side is pure, unadulterated fun— interactive dining at its best.

Fuji Steak and Sushi has 16 hibachi grills ready and waiting.

There are nine hibachi chefs, so you don’t experience the long wait times you might at other establishments.

According to Allan Kim, manager of Fuji Steak & Sushi, the restaurant is not as concerned with filling its hibachi tables before serving its customers as it as making sure customers have an enjoyable experience. “We’re only going to have a 10-minute wait time at the front. Then when you are seated, within 10 minutes a server is going to come and take your order. So, we’re not going to fill all the tables.”

Not only will you be served quicker, you will also enjoy a show brimming with tricks. “More tricks,” says Kim. Your hibachi chef might juggle utensils, flip a shrimp into their shirt pocket, catch an egg in his hat, toss an egg up in the air and split it with a knife, or arrange onion rings into fire-shooting volcanoes—all this while talking and interacting with customers.

In fact, you could get a turn spinning an egg on a spatula yourself. The preparation of food in Japan is considered an art form. Fuji Steak & Sushi has heightened that to the art of entertainment. Hibachi chefs are trained by the head chef, E.T., who has more than 20 years of experience.

“Your hibachi chef might juggle utensils, flip a shrimp into his shirt pocket, catch an egg in his hat, toss an egg up in the air and split it with a knife, or arrange onion rings into fire-shooting volcanoes.”

At the sushi bar, you would likely meet John, Mike or Sky. They are Fuji Steak & Sushi’s trio of sushi chefs. Combined, they have many years experience creating such delicacies as “Ladybug Roll”—fresh tuna, yellowtail, salmon, and scallions topped with red and black tobiko or “Scorpion King”—made up of two rolls, a shrimp tempura roll and a soft-shell crab roll topped with shrimp and the chef’s special spicy sauce. Of course, these sushi chefs are masters at serving up the traditional fare, too. As a matter of fact, they’d better be very skilled at it. Mondays and Wednesdays are $1 sushi days at Fuji Steak & Sushi. Order Nigiri sushi or Maki sushi (that’s rolls like California roll or tuna roll) for only $1 on those days.

Fuji Steak & Sushi has only recently opened its doors to the public, celebrating its grand opening this past Monday, and in true “East meets very trendy West style,” the restaurant launched its Facebook page a week earlier. Become a fan of the restaurant, listed on Facebook as Fuji Steakhouse TN, and get ready for some impressive savings.

Fuji Steak & Sushi is located at 2207 Overnite Dr., Chattanooga. (423) 892-2899.

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.3.09 The Pulse

27

Free Will Astrology

By Rob Brezsny

JONESIN’

By Matt Jones

“Bank Job” –you’re getting colder.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): “Dear Rob: I love to be proven wrong. That’s not an ironic statement. I actually get excited and feel creative when I acquire new information that shows me I’ve been operating under a misunderstanding.

One of my very favorite life moments occurs when I am convincingly liberated from a negative opinion I’ve been harboring about someone. As you can tell, I’m quite proud of this quality. The way I see it, emotional wealth and psychological health involve having so much self-respect that I don’t need to be right all the time. -Sagittarian Freedom Fighter.” Dear Freedom Fighter: Thanks for your testimony. The capacity you described is one that many Sagittarians will be poised to expand in 2010. And this is an excellent week for them to start getting the hang of it.

of things will be shown to you—the mysterious magic that’s always bubbling below the surface but that is usually not visible.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): In an early version of the tale of Pinocchio, friendly woodpeckers chiseled his nose back to its original size after it had grown enormous from his incorrigible lying. From a metaphorical perspective, Capricorn, a comparable development may soon occur in your own life. A benevolent (if somewhat rough) intervention akin to the woodpeckers’ assistance will shrink an overgrown, top-heavy part of your attitude, allowing you to proceed to the next chapter of your story with streamlined grace.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Lately you remind me of the person Robert Hass describes in his poem “Time and Materials”: “someone falling down and getting up and running and falling and getting up.” I’m sending you my compassion for the times you fall down, and my admiration for the times you get up, and my excitement for the times you run. It has probably become clear to you by now that the falling down isn’t a shameful thing to be cursed, but rather is an instrumental part of the learning process that is teaching you marvelous secrets about getting back up and running.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): “There is light enough for those who wish to see,” wrote French philosopher Blaise Pascal, “and darkness enough for those of the opposite disposition.” I’m hoping you will align yourself with the first group in the coming week, Aquarius. More than ever before, what you choose to focus on will come rushing in to meet you, touch you, teach you, and prompt you to respond. Even if all the smart people you know seem to be drunk on the darkness, I encourage you to be a brave rebel who insists on equal time for the light.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): White dwarfs are small and extremely dense stars. They’re typically no bigger than the Earth but as heavy as the sun.

You currently have a resemblance to one of those concentrated balls of pure intensity. I have rarely seen you offering so much bang for the buck. You are as flavorful as chocolate mousse, as piercing as the scent of eucalyptus, as lustrous as a fireworks display on a moonless night. Personally, I’m quite attracted to your saucy and zesty emanations, and I think most people with strong egos will be. But some underachievers with lower self-esteem may regard you as being more like astringent medicine.

My advice: Gravitate toward those who like you to be powerful.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The week ahead will be a ripe time to pull off magic reversals. May I suggest that you try to transform dishwater greys into sparkling golds? Or how about recycling the dead energy of a lost cause in such a way as to generate raw fuel for a fresh start? I’m confident, Gemini, that you’ll be able to discover treasure hidden in the trash, and that you’ll find a way to unleash the creative zeal that has been trapped inside polite numbness. Now ponder this riddle, please: Do you think there’s any mystical significance in the fact that the word “stressed” is “desserts” spelled backwards?

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): “I burn for no reason, like a lantern in daylight,” writes poet Joseph Lease.

I think that’s a succinct formulation of one of your central issues, Leo. Burning for no reason, like a lantern in the daylight, can be the cause of either failure or success for you, depending on subtle differences of emphasis. This is how it can be failure: When you’re mindlessly and wastefully burning through your prodigious reserves of fuel without any concern for the benefits it may provide you and others. This is how it can be success: When you are exuberant and selfdisciplined in shining your light and radiating your warmth just because it feels so good and so right and so healthy, and without any thought about whether it’s “useful” to anyone.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): In one of his short poems, John Averill (twitter.com/wiremesa) describes a scene that I think captures the essence of your current astrological omens: “Today is the day of the photo of moonrise over Havana in a book on a shelf in the snowbound cabin.” Here’s a clue about what it means: The snowbound cabin is where you are right now in your life. The moonrise over Havana is where you could be early in 2010. How do you get there from here?

ARIES (March 21-April 19): When Carolee Schneeman was a kid, her extravagant adoration of nature earned her the nickname “mad pantheist.” Later, during her career as a visual artist, she described her relationship with the world this way: “I assume the senses crave sources of maximum information, that the eye benefits by exercise, stretch, and expansion towards materials of complexity and substance.” I hope that you’re attracted to that perspective right now, Aries. To be in most productive alignment with the cosmic rhythms, you should be in a state of nearly ecstatic openness, hungry to be stretched—like a mad pantheist.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): An estuary is a bay where the salt water of a sea mixes with the fresh water of rivers. These days you remind me of such a place. You are two-toned, Libra. You’re dual-purpose and double-tracked. You’re a hybrid blend of the yes and the no, the give and the take, the extravagant and the traditional. And somehow this has been working out pretty well for you.

You’re not so much a dysfunctional contradiction as an interesting juxtaposition. You’re not being crushed by a squeeze of opposites so much as you’re getting massaged by the oscillating throbs of complementary influences. Keep doing what you’ve been doing, only more so.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): “Dear Rob: Last night my son and I were star-gazing. When we focused on the constellation Cassiopeia, an owl started hooting. Then a brilliant shooting star zipped by as a huge bat flew right over our heads.

Was this a bad omen? Bats are creepy—associated with vampires. And in Greek mythology Cassiopeia got divine punishment because she bragged that she and her daughter were more beautiful than the sea god’s daughters. But I don’t know, maybe this blast of odd events was a good omen. Owls are symbols of wisdom and shooting stars are lucky, right? What do you think? Are we blessed or cursed? -Spooked Taurus.” Dear Spooked: The question of whether it’s good or bad luck is irrelevant. Here’s what’s important: You Tauruses are in a phase when the hidden workings

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Big shiny egos with flashy tricks may be mucking around in everyone’s business, calling narcissistic attention to themselves as they pretend to do noble deeds. Meanwhile, I hope you’ll be doing the hard, detailed work that must be done to serve the greater good—quietly and unpretentiously improving people’s lives without demanding major tribute. That approach will stir up some sleek, silky karma that will come in handy when you undertake the building of your masterpiece in 2010.

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Homework: Meditate on the difference between your fearful fantasies and your accurate intuitions.

For inspiration, listen to my free podcast at http:// bit.ly/unqAj.

The Pulse 12.3.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com 95.3 Pulse News

Across 1 Leon Uris novel “___ 18” 5 Enter 9 Uses as a source 14 Shape of some mirrors 15 It now includes Lat. and Lith.

16 Muhammad Ali’s daughter 17 Macho way to say “dandruff”?

19 How bad grades are sometimes written 20 Jackson or Johnson 21 Category for everything else: abbr.

23 Night before 24 They may get stroked 26 Drying-out stage 28 Watch chain 31 “Hedwig and the Angry ___” 33 Wine refused in “Sideways” 36 “He’s a complicated man/but no one understands him/but his woman” 38 Shankar on the sitar 40 “Slithy” “Jabberwocky” creature 41 Like Shaquille O’Neal 42 Rocky and Bullwinkle’s nemesis 43 Graceful swimmer 44 Airport near Paris 45 2007 NBA Draft #1 pick Greg 46 He voices Shrek 47 Currency replaced by the euro

49 Musician descended from Herman Melville (hence the name) 51 “Marble” deli loaf 52 Perot, formally 54 Exhaled response 56 Blood-type system 58 Ticket leftover 60 Childbirth assistants 64 Fictional typing tutor Beacon 66 What somehow happens to the vegetables in your TV dinner?

68 Beyond husky 69 Muppet with his pet fish Dorothy 70 Bullring yell 71 Cobb, for one 72 “Liquid sunshine” 73 Word that can precede either word in 17- and 66-across and 11- and 30-down Down 1 N.Y.C. gallery 2 “One Day in the Life of ___ Denisovich” 3 Arrive at the airport 4 Woodard of “Desperate Housewives” 5 Chew, as with a rawhide bone 6 “Charter” tree 7 Prop, really 8 Polite refusal 9 “Think outside the box,” for instance 10 James Bond creator Fleming 11 That sharp nail in the

road you just ran over?

12 Abbr. on a mountain sign 13 “No Ordinary Love” singer 18 For real 22 Mid-tournament rounds 25 Atlantic catch 27 Bohemian 28 Camera setting 29 Frequent site for flight layovers 30 Tool used to clean out the pits in kiddie playlands?

32 Group of wives 34 Egg producer 35 Edgy 37 It may get jammed under your windshield wiper 39 Italian restaurant selections 42 Be a braggart 46 “___, it’s full of stars!” (“2001” line) 48 Threw out 50 Tries for, in an auction 53 Awesome 55 Smarts 56 “Good Times” actor John 57 The Who’s “___ O’Riley” 59 Horror actor Lugosi 61 Mane man?

62 Fuzzy style 63 Put away your carryons 65 “Love ___ Battlefield” 67 “___ dreaming?”

©2009 Jonesin’ Crosswords (editor@jonesincrosswords.com) For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle #0443.

Shades Of Green

ReStore ReBuilding Lives

By Victoria Hurst

H

abitat for Humanity is an organization that has been welcomed into many communities across the United States since its founding in 1976. It has been a vital resource to our community since 1986, when volunteers were able to start partnering with local families to build safe, sturdy homes. In addition to collecting the funds and resources to construct these homes, Habitat for Humanity of Greater Chattanooga provides another invaluable resource for these projects.

The Habitat ReStore, opened in 2004 as a fundraising division, serves as an outlet for items donated from the community, sold at 50to-75 percent less than retail value.

Thousands of pounds of reusable building materials that usually find their way into a landfill are resold at the ReStore for use in building and improving homes at an affordable cost.

Habitat’s goal is not only to build new homes, but also to provide resources and a helping hand so that people are able to take care of themselves and their families.

Volunteers donate their work and money, as well as information in homeowner classes offered through the organization. All of the proceeds from the sales at the ReStore go toward building homes.

While the ReStore is a wonderful resource, it, too, has needed a helping hand. Since its opening, the facility has been plagued by a leaky roof, heating and cooling issues and space constraints, among other maladies. To allow the ReStore to reach its full potential for retail and community outreach, LEED (Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design)-accredited architect Thomas Palmer drafted a plan in May 2008 to expand and rejuvenate the existing location.

Renovation versus rebuilding will

allow 80 percent of the existing building to be used and remain on the privately owned campus. It will also keep the project within its financial and environmental budget.

Habitat for Humanity is an organization that can be commended for many of its achievements. And here in Chattanooga, it is clear that our branch is dedicated to meeting the needs of its community. It is not only expanding its offerings, but also using methods that will take into consideration the environmental impact of the expansion.

All stages of the renovation will meet LEED certification standards.

There are plans for 3,000 additional square feet of retail and overhead storage space. The store will also feature a new urban storefront and parking area on East 14th Street to create more of a presence in the community.

By utilizing natural light, new insulation systems, a rainwater cistern, and selective heating and cooling, the design of the new facility will keep carbon emissions and utility costs low. The new store will run on a 40-hour weekly schedule, which is estimated to bring in approximately $22,000 a month in sales. The expansion will also mean opportunity for additional employment. A number of local leaders have come together as the ReStore Advisory Committee to oversee the fundraising and completion of the project.

The initial cost that it will take to begin the actual construction is $500,000 dollars, with the total goal of the project being $800,000.

Through generous donation by local foundations and churches, the project, as of November of this year, had already accumulated $240,000 towards its goal.

Habitat is ever appreciative of the “sweat equity” that its volunteers invest, but this is a particular time when a monetary donation by able community members would be appreciated to serve in the greater cause of revitalizing this resource.

We all know the famous expression about teaching a man to fish. (If you don’t, it goes something

“The Habitat ReStore, opened in 2004 as a fundraising division, serves as an outlet for items donated from the community, sold at 50-to75 percent less than retail value.” like, “If you catch a fish for a man, he can eat for one day. If you teach him to fish, he can feed himself forever.”) In any case, it makes a poignant point. The best way to provide help is by teaching others the way to help themselves and by providing resources to share the collective wealth of our community.

Habitat for Humanity is about providing people in need of homes with a place to build up and reconstruct their lives, and the Habitat ReStore is about providing the means to sustain and enrich the life that others help build.

To make a donation, visit www. habichatt.org/restorefund, or mail checks payable to: The Habitat ReStore Fund to Habitat for Humanity of Greater Chattanooga 1201 East Main Street Chattanooga, TN 37408.

Victoria Hurst is a proud resident of the Appalachian Mountains. She has recently graduated from Warren Wilson College with a B.A. in English: Creative Writing.

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.3.09 The Pulse

29

Ask A Mexican

Swearing Internationale

By Gustavo Arellano

“A 2006 RAND report estimated that the undocumented make up only 1.5 percent of the country’s total national medical costs, half as large as their 3.2 percent population share.”

Ask the Mexican at themexican@ askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, find him on, Twitter, or write: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

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Dear Mexican, I used to frequent a cantina in Chicago where half of the bar was Polack, the other half beaner. The Polacks would speak in their native tongue and either start or finish all of their sentences with the word kurwa. I understand this to mean “whore” in their language. On the other half of the bar, the beaners would utilize the word buey in all of their sentences.

Sometimes, the beaners would become emotional and interpolate buey with pinche, as in pinche buey.

Perhaps the Polacks and beaners were talking about the other group at the bar! I understand that the word buey in mexicanismo is a castrated bull. But I’ve got to imagine that the beaners are not always talking about castrated bulls. However, I can understand why the Polacks are always talking about whores. What are the ramificaciones?

— El Polaco Loco Dear Loco Polack, Chingao, wabs and Polacks at a bar! Where’s a mick when you need one? I think you misheard the word and meant güey, derived from buey, which you noted correctly is an ox, the word Mexicans use to call someone an ass—not a hooved ass, but an ass ass. Like madre, güey is a Swiss Army knife in Mexican-Spanish cussing—we use it affectionately (“¡No mames, güey!” translates as “Don’t suck d***, ass!” but actually means “Don’t

The Pulse 12.3.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com 95.3 Pulse News

bullshit me, brother!”), in anger (“Eres un pinche güey” is “You’re a f***ing idiot”) or as a boast (“No me haces güey”—“You won’t make an ass out of me”). Ramifications?

Use with caution—if you say that to a man, you might get a backslap or kick in the huevos depending on the circumstance, just like its bro cousin, f***face.

Dear Mexican, I’m half-Hispanic and halfwhite. I’m really opposed to illegal immigration and any type of free health care to illegals because, as a health care worker, I see too many Americans who can’t afford health care. I’ve noticed that people like Texas Governor Rick Perry appear tough on illegal immigration by showing a gay-looking photo of him standing next to border agents with a serious look on his face. I’ve seen Perry sit on both sides of the fence by adding more agents to sit on their butts on the border, and pass legislation to allow in-state tuition for illegals.

My question: would a Mexican support a bill that would tax only illegals who transfer money to Mexico? Now, you and me both now that the illegal has a cousin who is an American who will do the transfer for him. Anyways, if I was a Mexican who joined LULAC I would kinda like it.

The reason is 100% of the tax goes to illegal immigrant health care and not a dime would go to a homeless American. This is the only tax I know whose benefactor does not include green card holders

and American citizen. If this bill is passed, illegals can now claim they pay taxes! Wow, and since the majority are living in poverty, the majority would get the benefit from this tax. How would a Mexican vote?

— Dr. Chichis, M.D. Dear Wab, Before we begin, déjame deal with your health-care assertions.

The Pew Hispanic Center found this year that illegals and their kids comprised solamente 17 percent of the nation’s total uninsured, and a 2006 RAND report estimated that the undocumented make up only 1.5 percent of the country’s total national medical costs, half as large as their 3.2 percent population share—and even they think that number might be overblown, since the survey focused solely on the Los Angeles area, and they noted the city “has the reputation of being an immigrant-friendly location for these services.”

So, for you and others to portray Mexicans as health-care leeches is false, not to mention immoral. The answer to your actual question: A Mexican wouldn’t care about your Mickey Mouse bill. Even if it was enacted, Mexicans would circumvent electronic transfers by using courier services or smuggling cash in tires on trips back home. We already know how to come into this country illegally—you think bad legislation can stop us?

Craftiness is in our DNA the way güey-ness infests the Guatemalan mind.