The Pulse - Issue 52, Vol. 6 by Brewer Media Group

CHRISTMAS FOR KIDS • ART STUDIOS • GRAND JURIES

Christmas Snowe A Holiday Story by Alex Teach FREE • News, Views, Arts & Entertainment • December 24, 2009 • Vol. 6 - Issue 52 • www.chattanoogapulse.com • pulse news 95.3 WPLZ

President Jim Brewer, II

2009

Publisher Zachary Cooper Contributing Editor Janis Hashe News Editor Gary Poole Calendar Editor Kathryn Dunn Advertising Manager Rhonda Rollins Advertising Sales Leslie Dotson, Rick Leavell Leif Sawyer, Townes Webb Art Director Kelly Lockhart Graphic Design Jennifer Grelier Staff Photographer Louis Lee Contributing Writers Gustavo Arellano, Rob Brezsny Alison Burke, Chuck Crowder Michael Crumb, Hellcat Joshua Hurley, Victoria Hurst Matt Jones, Ernie Paik Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D. Stephanie Smith, Alex Teach Colleen Wade, Robert Yates Editorial Cartoonist Rick Baldwin Editorial Intern Tara Morris Copy Assistant Bryanna Burns Online Services Sharon Chambers Contact Info: Phone (423) 648-7857 Fax (423) 648-7860 info@chattanoogapulse.com Calendar Submissions calendar@chattanoogapulse.com Advertising advertising@chattanoogapulse.com The Pulse is published weekly and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publishers may take more than one copy per weekly issue. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors.

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AL G e NU TEN HIN Puls AN P YT he TO ER in T EV k

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10 CHRISTMAS SNOWE: A HOLIDAY STORY By Alex Teach The room I was in was on fire, its walls boiling with flames, which rolled slowly upward towards the ceiling then roiled inwards toward the center of the room, cloaking the walls and roof, but emitting no smoke, and leaving the bright natural pine floor untouched.

feature stories 12 CHRISTMAS FOR KIDDIES By Hellcat Chalk it up to the season of giving, but I thought that for this Christmas issue I would focus on a charitable music feature. I chose to highlight a little selection I thought was pretty neat.

17 INSIDE OUR ARTISTS’ STUDIOS By Michael Crumb What will it take for Chattanooga to become more of an arts center? Peggy Petrey emphasizes, “The arts don’t need justification.” Yes, an evolution of attitude couldn’t hurt.

19 CENTRAL AMERICAN HOME COOKING By Colleen Wade Once called Papil, “the land of precious things,” El Salvador is steeped in tradition—with holidays and celebracions spanning the year—and plentiful with exports like coffee, sugar, and camarones.

20 MERYL, GEORGE AND HOLMES By Phillip Johnston This Christmas, after the turkey has been devoured and the all the boxes lie in unwrapped piles around the tree, you may just get the urge to see a film. If you do, the major studios have got you covered with a few films sure to pack out theaters on the 25th and the days following.

news & views 4 5 6 9 15 22

BEYOND THE HEADLINES PULSE BEATS POLICE BLOTTER SHRINK RAP LIFE IN THE NOOG ASK A MEXICAN

everything else 4 6 6 13 14 16 18 21 21

EDITOON THE LIST STREET SCENES MUSIC CALENDAR NEW MUSIC REVIEWS A&E CALENDAR SPIRITS WITHIIN JONESIN’ CROSSWORD FREE WILL ASTROLOGY

Cover layout by Kelly Lockhart.

Editoon

by Rick Baldwin

Beyond The Headlines

Ignoring the Grand Jury...Again By Gary Poole “It infuriates each of us that the many, many past reports have said essentially the very same thing for years and nothing ever changes—is anyone even paying attention?” So writes Marsha Crabtree, head of the current Hamilton County Regular Grand Jury, in the most recent report from the group. Crabtree and the rest of the jury members are increasingly frustrated that their recommendations and observations on the judicial system in the county seemingly fall on deaf ears, and have so for years. “During our four-month Grand Jury service, we gained a greater insight into our judicial and corrections systems,” writes Crabtree. “As we continue with this Final Report to the Court, you will see that we do not have a very favorable impression of either.” What the Grand Jury specifically found fault with was the way prisoners are treated, feeling that other than a temporary loss of freedom, they face no “corrective” action and are basically getting a nice break from the world. They were especially harsh on the Silverdale Workhouse, noting that the facility “appears to be a place where convicted criminals can go to heal up, rest up, and fatten up, at taxpayer expense, before being released back into

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society.” The basic premise that a loss of freedom is a deterrent to crime is one the Grand Jury does not subscribe to, noting the vast number of repeat offenders. “Detention facilities should not be nice places and inmates should have few rights. When individualism and personal rights win out over the well being of society, then we all lose.” But their most vitriolic commentary was directed squarely at the judges and prosecutors in the District Attorney’s office. Their observations that a small group of repeat offenders are committing crime after crime with little or no punishment is something they find both extremely frustrating and judicially inexcusable. “We Grand Jurors join with Law Enforcement in disgust and frustration at the lack of meaningful sentencing handed down in our courts,” they write. The practice of passing cases, constantly offering plea bargains, and granting minimal sentences are all things they want to see stop. “The safety and security of the citizens should be a higher priority than a settlement that is satisfactory to a defendant in his or her latest criminal case in Court.” But even as they vent in some of the harshest language seen in a Grand Jury Report, they also note that it is unlikely their comments will be heard or acted upon. “We can only ask ‘why bother

with such an exercise in futility?’ It appears to us that it really doesn’t matter what the Grand Jury says, or how many times we say it.” Their frustration is understandable, as is apparent to anyone who pays even minimum attention to the news. We see the same criminals committing the same crimes month after month, year after year. We see an aging county jail and no interest in building a new one, as has been recommended for years. We see a judicial system overwhelmed with cases and seemingly unwilling or unable to hand down meaningful and truly “corrective” sentences. The report has been issued, and hopefully read by our elected leaders. Now the ball is in their court: Will they finally do something about crime in our community, or will they just toss this most recent report in the “round file”, as seems to have been done with all past reports?

Pulse Beats

Quote Of The Week: “It is funded for the right-of-way acquisition phase, and we are currently developing our right-of-way plans which we will use to acquire the properties necessary to construct the project.”

A rundown of the newsy, the notable, and the notorious...

—Jennifer Flynn, Tennessee Department of Transportation, clarifying that the Legislature has not funded the improvements to Highway 27 through downtown.

The Elf Days of Christmas By Stephanie Smith We understand that Santa is a busy guy and needs some help to get the work done before the big night. So is “elfing” a glamorous job? Or is it more like The Santaland Diaries? The Pulse’s Stephanie Smith did some investigative reporting and the following is the result of her interview with one of Santa’s Chattanooga-based elves, Twinkle. The Pulse: So nice to meet you! What is your name? Twinkle the Elf: My name is Twinkle. There’s another elf named Twinkle Toes and people always get us mixelated up, but that’s OK. My mommy’s name is Tinkles. She’s the one who taught me how to “elf.” TP: Oh, so it runs in the family? TTE: Yeah. Why wouldn’t she be an elf? TP: How old are you Twinkle? TTE: Well…in elf years, I’m 5,472, but in human years that adds up to…let me see…carry the one…15. I’m working on getting my sleigh license. TP: That must be hell on your parents. TTE: Well, I have to buy my own sleigh! (Coughing.) I have a worm. TP: OK…um…why are you elfing in Chattanooga? TTE: I like the kids and it’s a good break from elf school exams and it’s fun! TP: But why Chattanooga? TTE: It’s where all my friends come. If there is another place, I’m not aware of it. TP: So, what do you do here? What is “elfing?” TTE: Well, there are two parts: workshops and tuck-ins. In workshops, I get to know the kids and help them make Christmas crafts. The parents get to know me and they will request me especially to help the kids. Tuck-ins are more like a hit-and-run. I go in, read the kid a story,

and then do the super-secret, super-special, super-awesome North Pole tuck-in. TP: Ooh! What’s the secret part? TTE: I can’t tell you that! TP: Wait, so is it like if you tell me you’ll have kill me? TTE: Shhh! OK, well, there are four blankets that all stand for something, but I can’t tell you what the something is because it’s an elf secret. You have to have a child and bring them to stay at the Chattanooga Choo Choo. TP: Does it puzzle you when people call your outfits “costumes?” TTE: Yeah. We wear it every day. I mean, we may look like humans, but we’re not. TP: What about when the Chattanooga elfing is over? What will you do? I mean, I’m assuming that Christmas Eve is your biggest work night? TTE: Oh, yeah. After this I’ll go back to the North Pole to start working on the toys for next year. TP: What about the toys for this year? Don’t they get made on Christmas Eve? TTE: Well, I’ll be spending time with my family. If some of the elves have procrastinated, they have to enlist friends to help them make their toys. I don’t usually procrastinate. TP: What is your job? TTE: I put magic in the magical candy canes. My mommy passed that down to me. TP: What do you want to be when you grow up? Wait—do elves grow up? TTE: We get older in years and look like humans, but the main difference is that after a certain amount of time you can’t come back down to Chattanooga. I’d want to be young again so I could come back to Chattanooga. TP: What’s your connection with Santa? TTE: Santa has to travel everywhere and

obviously can’t keep in contact all the time. It’s a different matter than with the elves—like right now, I know what Snowflake (another elf) is thinking. The elf connection is more telepathic and Santa isn’t an elf— he’s human. TP: So…I’m looking for a secret little tidbit about what makes your job special…How about Santa? Come on, give me some dirt on the big guy. TTE: Well, I’m not sure anybody knows this, but Santa used to smoke. It’s in The Night Before Christmas. Mrs. Claus told him not to because it’s bad for him. So he stopped. TP: OK, one final question I have to ask. Does his belly really shake like a bowl full of jelly? TTE: Yes, when he laughs. And he laughs a lot! Special thanks to Carol Fleissner for her insight into elfin behavior.

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A weekly roundup of the newsworthy, notable and often head-scratching stories gleaned from police reports from the Chattanooga Police Department, the Hamilton County Sheriff’s Office, the Bradley County Sheriff’s Department and the Dalton Police Department.

What Are The Odds? • Odds of bowling a 300 game: 11,500 to 1 • Odds of getting a hole in one: 5,000 to 1 • Odds of getting canonized: 20,000,000 to 1 • Odds of being an astronaut: 13,200,000 to 1 • Odds of winning an Olympic medal: 662,000 to 1 • Odds of an American speaking Cherokee: 15,000 to 1 • Odds that an American adult does not want to live to age 120 under any circumstances: 3 to 2 • Odds of injury from fireworks: 19,556 to 1 • Odds of injury from shaving: 6,585 to 1 • Odds of injury from using a chain saw: 4,464 to 1

• The UTC Flasher has been brought to justice. A rash of flashing incidents on the downtown campus during October had University and Chattanooga police searching for a man a bit too proud of his anatomy. Working off descriptions of the vehicle the man drove and other evidence, a 32-year-old Cleveland man has been taken into custody. His victims included members of the Lady Mocs basketball team and some young ladies working out at McClellan Gym. He was positively identified by one of the women filing the complaint. • In a story that made national news, a four-year-old Middle Valley boy decided that Christmas was taking too long to get here. So he left his mother’s bed in the middle of the night, went downstairs, grabbed a beer and went to a neighbor’s house. Getting in through an unlocked front door, the toddler started opening their Christmas gifts. One of those gifts was a little girl’s dress. Authorities found him wandering down the road, wearing the dress and holding the empty beer can. He was taken to a local hospital and treat-

• Another week, another tasering at a local hospital. A Brainerd man experiencing a mental crisis had to be tasered by Chattanooga Police at Parkridge Hospital before he could be treated. The 40-year-old man became combative and irrational in the emergency room after being taken in for treatment. Members of the Crisis Intervention Team were called to the hospital to back the initial responding officer and calm him down so that he could be evaluated. When he began speaking irrationally, officers were forced to taser him four times before they were able to gain control. The first two attempts failed because they didn’t penetrate his clothing. Afterward, medical staff from Parkridge administered medication to help calm him. • And once again, two officers working a second job were able to put an end to a crime spree. Two Chattanooga officers, working a second job at Hamilton Place Mall, arrested a pair

Chattanooga Street Scenes

• Odds of injury from mowing the lawn: 3,623 to 1 • Odds of fatally slipping in bath or shower: 2,232 to 1 • Odds of drowning in a bathtub: 685,000 to 1 • Odds of being killed on a 5-mile bus trip: 500,000,000 to 1 • Odds of being killed sometime in the next year in any sort of transportation accident: 77 to 1 Oh, and the odds that this column will be clipped out and put on a refrigerator door: 17,500 to 1.

ed for alcohol consumption. The case has been turned over to the Criminal Investigation Division of the Hamilton County Sheriff’s Office.

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of men who had used stolen credit cards to fund an illicit shopping expedition. When they caught up with the men, the bed of their pickup truck was nearly filled with their ill-gotten booty. During questioning, it was revealed the pair had targeted local churches and funeral homes, breaking into vehicles searching for credit cards. Police officials remind everyone that the best defense against this type of crime is to never leave valuables in an unattended vehicle. Approximately $2,000 dollars worth of merchandise was recovered, filling one entire squad car. Photography by Louis Lee

Wreaths Across America at the Chattanooga National Cemetery

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Shrink Rap

At The Threshold of a New Year By Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D

“You can learn to put yourself in the driver’s seat and decide—set an intention—to reject your fear of change, your need for control, and, in this upcoming year, do it differently.”

Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga, and is the author of “Empowering the Tribe” and “The Power of a Partner.”

his week I want to re-visit the topic of “change,” which I wrote about in this column exactly one year ago, and have elaborated on a few times since. Several letters I’ve received and conversations I have had throughout this past year had a lot to do with the concept of change. Why is it scary for some and reassuring for others, when after all is said and done, it’s inevitable? Seasons change, relationships change, jobs, homes, attitudes…and every seven years or so every cell in our body has changed. So as we end one year and stand on the threshold of a new one, it strikes me as the perfect time to once again visit the topic of change. Just before Christmas last year, I had the wonderful opportunity to hear Jennifer Holliday perform live at a benefit for the Urban League of Chattanooga. If you’ve never had the chance to hear her use that amazing instrument of a voice to pull emotion from a ballad like sweet taffy, or give a well-known classic her own special, jazzy spin (she calls it “Jenniferizing”), I highly recommend you pick up a CD or keep an eye peeled for her next performance. (For those of you unfamiliar with Ms. Holliday, she played “Effie” in the original Broadway production of Dreamgirls back in the early ’80s. You may recall her memorable show-stopper, “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going.”) But even beyond the meal, the awards, the conversation around the table, and the performance, I was particularly touched when Jennifer

(I feel we’re on a first-name basis since we had our picture taken together) spoke about the changes in her life and career. In particular, she mentioned that when she talks about “personal change,” the first thing people think of is the external change to her body. Since her stage performance in Dreamgirls, she’s lost 200 pounds. She indeed has a very different body now. But that’s not the kind of change she means. She spoke of the change to her internal world— her attitude and spirituality, her self-esteem, her outlook on life and toward other people. Even after the Herculean task of losing 200 pounds, it is this internal change that means the most to her. Her heartfelt words were very inspiring. And she reminded me of the Buddhist philosophy, Everything Changes. If you think about it, the way you feel about everything…your parents, your kids, your friends—even the way you feel about yourself—changes all the time, maybe every day, maybe every moment. The way you feel about your partner today isn’t how you’ll feel about him/her a year from now. Nor is it the way you felt when you first met. The life you lived as a child obviously isn’t what you live now. The way you first kissed as a teenager isn’t how you kiss now. Your views about sexuality, spirituality, relationships, your own life… everything changes. Sometimes in big, grand, obvious ways, like a geographic move across the country, and sometimes in ways so subtle it escapes your awareness, like gentle shifts in your self-esteem during the

course of the day. Loved ones die. Loved ones are born. As we change, others participate in the dance of change with us, and we, in turn, influence change in others. As we prepare to cross the threshold of a new year, what is your relationship with change? Is it something frightening, to be avoided at all cost? If that’s true for you, you undoubtedly have reason to feel that way. The wonder years hopefully provide our young lives with enough healthy consistency to grow on. But when consistency is lacking, we become adults who hold on too tightly, We fear change, seek control. For others, change is not frightening, but is welcomed, renewing, comforting. Ask yourself: Do you handle change best in baby steps, or in big leaps? Looking back, what has been the biggest change in your life this past year? What has been the biggest change within you this past year? Looking ahead, what changes do you wish to see for yourself in the New Year? Can you stop holding on so tightly in order to allow for them? One of my favorite quotes proclaims, “Until you decide you are worthy of more, you will be content with less.” Hmm, perhaps a mantra for your new year? Change is at the root of all growth. Although challenging, you can learn to put yourself in the driver’s seat and decide—set an intention—to reject your fear of change, your need for control, and, in this upcoming year, do it differently. Until next time, “Do one thing every day that scares you.” — Eleanor Roosevelt

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Cover Story

Christmas Snowe A Holiday Story by Alex Teach “The only thing that wasn’t changing was the fact that there was still an infant in the front seat of my police cruiser in the place where there was normally a shotgun.” 10

he room I was in was on fire, its walls boiling with flames, which rolled slowly upward towards the ceiling then roiled inwards toward the center of the room, cloaking the walls and roof, but emitting no smoke, and leaving the bright natural pine floor untouched. Below all of this I sat on a stool in front of a plywood perch, something that should have been a bar but was as cheap as it was narrow and coated in glossy black paint, upon which I leaned forward on my elbows, oblivious to the conflagration and feeling no heat, though my hair was plastered to my forehead and beads of sweat coalesced and ran in chilled rivulets down my face and neck, disappearing into my dark blue clothing.

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The shirt was long sleeved and collared and the pants were creased, but it was not a uniform. I looked downward and to the left with no particular focus but the straw between my lips, which I drew upon in steady intervals, the octagonal glass it led into beading with cool condensation from the icy water inside of it. Or perhaps it was lime-soaked gin, who knew? The only sound that accompanied this was the thunderous bass of the flames from all directions, overpowering, but comforting at the same time. It went on unchanging for minutes, maybe hours, but it was not a nightmare, because I was content, even a little comforted by the ambient light and muffled thunder of the roaring fire. It could have lulled me to sleep, such was its subtle cadence, until I realized that’s just what it had done, and I woke. I stretched and lay there as silent as I was in the dream, considering its meaning with no success…for minutes, maybe hours, before I sat up. The only waking reminder of the dream was a cold sweat. I needed a beer. I had found a baby a week before and had trouble letting go of the circumstances. It was nice because it was something different, far from the ordinary, and it

Cover Story wasn’t dead as is usually the case when finding a discarded human of any age, and it wasn’t even a dispatched call. She was just there in her car seat (sans car) on the edge of a pay-by-the-week motel with no one around, found by chance; a karmic lottery winner thanks to a tendency to stop my car and spontaneously wander from time to time, a habit I openly attribute to my basic job duties but internally knew to be submission to a random curious nature. (Was there a difference? Who cared.) It was the kind of place in which I strolled the lot in order to intercept crimes not normally reported to police. Disorders and drunks and a lack of civilized behavior in general were so common it didn’t occur to most of its indigenous peoples to call police. It usually bred deeper problems that were harder to fix as time went on (kind of like Congressional deficit spending, except with accountability). The sun was going down, and I was taking in the strangely appealing smell of wet asphalt and glancing towards the motel’s balconies, when I heard a distinct grunt that sets off a trigger of attention in any parent, and a primal alarm to anyone else. I glanced over and saw a tiny brown-eyed Caucasian face peeking from the folds of a skyblue blanket in a Graco carseat, sitting neatly between an abandoned tan Fiat and a recently parked Ford pickup, just a few yards from the state highway. I wasn’t exactly shocked by this, but not because I’m as dead inside as you’d think me to be; my brain simply deduced its mother must be just out of sight around the cars. It didn’t take long to figure out this wasn’t the case. She made cooing sounds while pistoning her fists underneath the blanket and I knelt down beside her, looking for signs of ownership. One hand went to her face while the other keyed my shoulder mike, knuckles caressing her jaw. I found a makeshift diaper bag behind her as I spoke to dispatch, the kind you get free from the hospital with tiny bottles of undiluted Enfamil and Barbie-sized diapers, and the ubiquitous white receiving blanket with pink and teal stripes across the middle. Her color was good and her blanket was dry, and though I searched her wrists for hospital bands and her carseat and bag for information, the only thing I found to identify her was a scrap of paper indicating her name was “Christmas”, and that her mother was “Sorry”. I thought both were perfectly fitting. My fellows arrived and scoured the motel room by room, searching for records of anyone checking in with an infant with the main desk while dispatch searched Missing Persons records on NCIC computers and detectives were called. State workers were notified and on the way, but like the first minutes of a fresh crime scene, it was just me and this baby, one on one. A head of fine, sandy-blond hair, four weeks old, tops. Unbelievable. The search for mom was fruitless, it was

getting colder outside as the sun went down, and the only thing that wasn’t changing was the fact that there was still an infant in the front seat of my police cruiser in the place where there was normally a shotgun. The carseat was nestled between video equipment on the ceiling and radio consoles on the floor, and the steady radio traffic seemed to sooth, instead of scare, her. She had to be hungry soon. My sergeant said it would probably be an hour and a half before Protective Services got there, so I asked to bring her to children’s E.R. to be checked out for any exposure; he was a good man, but babies scared him and he quickly consented. I hadn’t held a baby in years, but if I’d thought she really needed a doctor I wouldn’t have asked…I just thought it would be nice to have her to myself again for a little bit. She slept on the way there and I found myself holding the edge of the carseat with a free hand, extending a finger to stroke her arm now and then.

“Quite a stack of coincidences, I thought. Was it another that I randomly stopped at the pay-by-the-week motel parking lot that day, just before dark, just before the temperature dropped?” She was declared to be in good health by the attending physician, and a bottle of formula from the NICU was prepared for her once her squawking cries teetered on the edge of becoming all-out screams of frustration and hunger. I fed her with my elbow resting on the butt of my pistol, and she was mesmerized by light reflecting off my badge; we were the only two people in the world despite media arriving as word of the story got out. An abandoned baby on Christmas Day; it probably would have gone national to some level if they’d also had her name at that point. A Children’s Protective Services worker eventually arrived, and that marked the end of our time together. I did not say goodbye. As it turns out, “Christmas” really was her name. Christmas Snowe, a name as unfortunate as the circumstances under which we met, but she couldn’t be blamed for that any more than she could to being born to an 18-year-old drug addict with a history of theft and drug arrests. In the days and weeks that passed, her plight was with me constantly and I thought about the

statistical anomaly of Christmas Days in general; my own Ghosts of Christmas Past. I’d spent one Christmas as the only living person in a fast-food restaurant, its employees having been slaughtered over, ultimately, a can of tomato sauce. The manager had been stabbed, choked, and bludgeoned with a screwdriver, a phone cord, and a broken mop handle (in that order). The one I found in the freezer was worse. I’d spent another in the parking lot of a bank that had been held up, and ended the night watching the suspect’s face disappear in a pink mist as he raised a pistol towards the officers that had intercepted him inside. His dream of suicide by cop had been fully realized, and he returned the favor by giving the triggermen twitching, cold sweat-covered dreams for the rest of their lives. Another Christmas was spent in a graveyard where yet another man demanded officers end his life by pointing a gun at us instead of himself, so that he could die standing on the grave of his own father on the anniversary of his own cowardly suicide long ago. Quite a stack of coincidences, I thought. Was it another that I randomly stopped at the pay-by-the-week motel parking lot that day, just before dark, just before the temperature dropped? “Bah,” I said aloud. The question never stopped, though. A year had passed, and it was another Christmas Day, and the whole shift had passed without my seeing a nightmare on Earth. I now found myself sitting on the concrete slope of a rarely used boat ramp instead of a crime scene, leaning forward with my arms draped loosely over my knees, a cold breeze off the lake blowing through my bones. It had been a year since I handed that baby over to the CPS worker for the last time and I made the poor decision to look her up in the system to see if she had wound up in a safe place. And I’ll be damned…despite the coincidence of her name on the day I found her, and then the odds of even being discovered on that parking lot before dying of exposure, I found that she’d been returned to the same woman who left her there in the first place…forwarding address currently unknown. As I thought about Tennessee social services in action, I could still see the golden reflection of my name tag flashing across her tiny face like gentle flames. My despair was nearly tangible. I sat there close to the water, ignoring the time and the unexpectedly falling temperatures but comforted now, as I was that long-ago day by that strange smell of wet asphalt. I closed my eyes to better listen to the gentle lapping of the water against the pavement, and I reopened them to a surprise: It had begun to flurry, ever so gently. Something inside clicked, and I actually smiled as pieces came together. I was listening. And the coincidental message this time was that despite the odds…it had begun to flurry. It seemed, after all, there might just be a chance for Christmas snow.

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Music Feature

Christmas for Kiddies and a Dance Party Christmas By Hellcat

halk it up to the season of giving, but I thought that for this Christmas issue I would focus on a charitable music feature. I chose to highlight a little selection I thought was pretty neat, particularly in the way of helping children. I will admit—I don’t really like Christmas music. It wears me out. It starts around Halloween and then continues into the New Year. However, I do like a good cause, and this CD is brimming with them. The CD is called Merry Kidsmas. It’s put together by a husband-andwife duo in the country music industry, Joey+Rory. This couple has just put out two projects. Merry Kidsmas, which is a full album and “It’s Christmas Time”, which is a single by Joey+Rory. Both works go towards charity, so I figured I should mention them both, just in case you want to double up on good karma. CMT One Country, which is a pro-social initiative that was launched in 2005 to promote civic participation and inspire CMT viewers to take action and bring about important change in their communities, has partnered up with the couple to release both projects.

our career, so we’re really excited to team up with CMT One Country in the spirit of giving.” Merry Kidsmas (Giantslayer Records/S1 Songs/Welk Music Group), is a 12-song collection sung by everyday kids of all ages and created by The Song Trust. Founded in Nashville, The Song Trust is a collaborative group committed to creating and delivering music from the perspective where the song, not the singer, is the star. True to concept, Merry Kidsmas lists only writer credits and no singer credits. The first track on the album, “Bring Him Home Santa,” was originally released to country radio in December 2007, causing an immediate national reaction. Sung by an anonymous 6-year-old girl asking Santa to bring her father home for Christmas, the single shot to number 29 on the Billboard Hot Country Chart. Following that success, The Song Trust spent the next year creating an album’s worth of songs that would continue to look at the Christmas season from a child’s perspective, to be sung by kids of all ages, resulting in the Merry Kidsmas CD. The album features nine original songs co-written by members of The Song Trust, including “Bring Him Home Santa” and “Box of Rocks.” The CD also offers new takes on holiday favorites “(All I Want For Christmas is My) Two Front Teeth,” “Rudolph (the Red Nosed Reindeer)” and the “Little Drummer Boy.” Joey+Rory are nominated by CMA for Vocal Duo of the Year for the upcoming awards, as well as the ACM Top Vocal Duo nomination. When not on the road performing, Joey continues to wait tables and bake breads at Marcy Jo’s Mealhouse, a restaurant she and her sister-in-law own outside of Nashville. Rory heads to Music Row, where he writes awardwinning hits at Giantslayer Publishing. He recently won ASCAP songwriting awards for “I Will” by Jimmy Wayne and “You Can Let Go Now” by Crystal Shawanda. Other hits include “Some Beach” for Blake Shelton and “The Chain of Love” for Clay Walker.

“Let me offer an option of what to do on Christmas night, if you need to break away from the family to rock out a little bit with your friends.” Portions of proceeds from CD sales will be donated to the local chapter of Feeding America, which is The Second Harvest Food Bank of Middle Tennessee. This will help those close to us, as well as the USO. Regarding both projects, Joey says, “We’re incredibly grateful for an amazing year and hope to share some of that good fortune this holiday season. CMT helped launch

The Pulse 12.24.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com 95.3 Pulse News

If you are anything like me, then you don’t know who any of these people are, but that isn’t the point. The point is possibly marking someone off your Christmas list, with a gift that gives back. It’s a win/win type situation. Now that my good deed is out of the way, let me offer an option of what to do on Christmas night, if you need to break away from the family to rock out a little bit with your friends. Ramble Horse will be playing at JJ’s Bohemia on Christmas night. Ramblehorse is an electro rockn-roll band with some indie-style folk twists. They have recently released an EP and are working on their fulllength debut. Ramble Horse is stoked to provide a dance party/ rock show fused together. The night will include a dance party, followed by or continued into Talk, 10 – 11 p.m., Drug Money, 11 p.m. - midnight, and Ramble Horse will take the stage at midnight. The band is made up of Bijan Dhanani (of CreateHere) on bass and guitar, Kip Smith on vocals and guitar, Tedo Stone on guitar, Wilch Oehmig on synthesizer and keys, and Jimbo Schwartz on drums. So if the weight of the holidays is on your shoulders, then come shake it off at the dance party. Regardless of what you do, have a great holiday

Ramble Horse, Talk, Drug Money $7 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK. Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

Music Calendar

Send your calendar events to us at calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

Friday

Thursday Bill E. Payne 7 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9043. Dead Levy 8 p.m. T-Roys Roadhouse, 724 Ashland Terrace. Open Mic Night 9 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260.

Bill E. Payne No, Santa is not in town, but Bill Payne’s beard will do and his music is wonderful, too. Free 7 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9043. www.mudpierestuarant.com.

Channing Wilson 9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. Mike Harris 9 p.m. Spectators, 7804 E. Brainerd Rd. (423) 648-6679. Sweet n Lowdown 9 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202.

Ramble Horse and Sky vs. Sky All I want for Christmas is Ramble Horse. . . . . (Rocking Horse, get it?) Oh, heck. Merry Christmas! $7 9 p.m. 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia.

Saturday

Wash down those cookies with Jaegerbombs and tell Granny goodbye! $5 Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com

Jennifer Daniels 6 p.m. Rock City Gardens , 1400 Patten Rd. (706) 820-2531.

Open Mic Night 9 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9043.

Karaoke 8 p.m. Rhapsody Café, 1201 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-3093.

DJ Everette 9 p.m. Top of the Dock.

Old Tyme Players 6 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. Frettin on the Faith Dulcimer Club 6 p.m. Rock City Gardens, 1400 Patten Rd. (706) 820-2531. DJ at the Palms 8 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055.

Tuesday Scenic City Chorus 6 p.m. Rock City Gardens, 1400 Patten Rd. (706) 820-2531. Love Begotten, Sky Fell to Earth, and Cute as a Button 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd., East Ridge. myspace.com/warehousetn.

Dead Levy 8 p.m. T-Roys Roadhouse, 724 Ashland Terrace.

Ramble Horse and Sky vs. Sky 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia.

Johnston-Brown 8 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com. Channing Wilson and Nathan Farrow 9 p.m. Spectators, 7804 E. Brainerd Rd. (423) 648-6679. DJ Daniel 9 p.m. Images, 6500 Lee Hwy. www.imagesbar.com.

DJ Spicolli Raw Sushi Bar Restaurant & Nightclub, 409 Market Street, (423) 756-1919. DJ GOP The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd, #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com. Merry Christmas from everyone here at The Pulse.

DJ GOP 9 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. Rock the Bells with Toneharm 9 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. DJ Daniel 9 p.m. Images, 6500 Lee Hwy.

Butch Ross 6 p.m. Rock City Gardens, 1400 Patten Rd. (706) 820-2531. www.seerockcity.com. Irish Music Sessions 6 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996.

DJ Groove 9:30 p.m. Riverhouse Pub, 224 Frazier Ave. (423) 752-0066. Dave Matthews Tribute Band 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. Night of the Wolf Record Release 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. Chris and Reece 10 p.m. T-Bones Sports Café, 1419 Chestnut Ave.

The Rest of the Week Monday

DJ Everette 9 p.m. Top of the Dock, 5600 Lake Resort Terrace, (423) 876-3636. topofthedockchattanooga.com.

Sunday

Sweet n Lowdown 9 p.m. Spectators, 7804 E. Brainerd Rd. (423) 648- 6679.

Rock the Bells with Toneharm

Mike Harris 6 p.m. Rock City Gardens, 1400 Patten Rd. (706) 820-2531. www.seerockcity.com.

Nathan Farrow

Rick Rushing and Blue Strangers 6:30 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9043.

Yeah, we are over it too, kid. Go sit with Nathan Farrow at Northshore and get back to normal.

Nathan Farrow 9 p.m. Northshore Grille, 16 Frazier Ave. (423) 757-2000. www.northshoregrille.com.

Free 9 p.m. Northshore Grille, 16 Frazier Ave. (423) 757-2000. www.northshoregrille.com

DJ Spicolli Raw Sushi Bar Restaurant & Nightclub, 409 Market Street, (423) 756-1919.

Editor’s Pick: Featured Event Of The Week Billy Hopkins & Friends 8 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com. Open Mic with Hellcat 9 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919. Channing Wilson 9 p.m. Spectators, 7804 E. Brainerd Rd. (423) 648-6679. Jonathan Wimpee 9 p.m. Northshore Grille, 16 Frazier Ave. (423) 757-2000. Open Mic with Mike McDade 9 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996. Karaoke 9:30 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com Computer and Friends 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400.

Wednesday Robert Crab Tree Jazz Trio 6 p.m. Rock City Gardens, 1400 Patten Rd. (706) 820-2531. Ben Friberg Trio 7 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com. Bobby Cheatham 7 p.m. Red Rock Grille, 1743 Dayton Blvd. (423) 634-1999. Preston Parris 8 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. Nathan Farrow 9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. Channing Wilson 9 p.m. Northshore Grille, 16 Frazier Ave. (423) 757-2000. www.northshoregrille.com.

Night of the Wolf Record Release Zombies are taking over the day after Christmas and raging out to the record release of Night of The Wolf. This heavy metal local band is a must for the headbangers in the area, and will be the perfect outlet after dealing with that “One Upper” cousin. Bring him and throw him in the mosh pit—we have your back that it was an accident. Until New Year’s! Saturday, December 26 $5, 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.24.09 The Pulse

New Music Reviews Rick Davis Gold & Diamonds presents:

MerryChristmasChattanooga.com Listen to your favorite Christmas music streaming 24/7

The Pulse 12.24.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com 95.3 Pulse News

By Ernie Paik

Vivian Girls

Unrest

Everything Goes Wrong (In the Red)

Washington, DC, Feb 24, 2005 (TeenBeat)

Listening to the allwoman Brooklyn trio Vivian Girls immediately brings to mind a specific kind of guitar-driven indiepop that one might hear on a 10inch record (colored vinyl, please) on Slumberland or K Records from the early-to-mid ’90s. On the group’s second album, Everything Goes Wrong, the Ramones-inspired punk-pop sparks lean toward a D.C. hardcore tempo, and the band’s musicianship isn’t finely honed (you see, Beat Happening taught us that it was OK to be sloppy). This seems to be a conspicuous point being made by the trio on tracks like “Can’t Get Over You,” which features a guitar solo that sounds like it was played by your 17-year-old nephew. However, pop songs are built from hooks, and there are some pretty decent ones on that track, which is actually one of the album’s highlights. Vivian Girls have the sound down, with some above-average moments that channel Tiger Trap or Talulah Gosh, but with a noisier guitar tone. I can’t fault a group for revisiting a sound from an earlier time, and few would deny that it’s much more fun to follow an active band than one that has long since disbanded; those who oppose the band in theory can just pretend it’s some obscure, lost group from 1993. Pop songs also often benefit from brevity, which the band seems to understand at times—the first two tracks don’t breach the two-minute barrier. Oddly, though, tracks like “When I’m Gone” and “Double Vision” linger on and last longer than expected—unfortunately, they’re longer than they really need to be. And that’s a problem when the album is only 36 minutes long. It would have been appropriate if Everything Goes Wrong was a 10-inch record, not only because it captures the indie-pop spirit, but also because the filler makes 12 inches seem like two inches too many.

In February of 2005, the D.C.-area independent record label TeenBeat Records (no relation to the magazine) marked its 20th anniversary with several nights of shows, and easily the most anticipated moment of the celebration was the reunion of Unrest. The band—singer/ guitarist Mark Robinson, drummer Phil Krauth, and bassist/singer Bridget Cross—disbanded at its peak of popularity in 1994 and hadn’t played a show since. Part of TeenBeat’s archival series, this disc (a made to order, handnumbered CD-R) documents this concert, and while it’s not a flawless performance, the value is chiefly sentimental. But the sentiment is strong. You see, I and a few hundred others present at the show never really got over the break-up; although post-Unrest bands, such as Air Miami and Flin Flon, were great, there was something about Unrest that was irreplaceable. Take the group’s pinnacle, Imperial f.f.r.r. from 1992, which alternates between effervescent strum-pop songs, sound experiments, and melancholic numbers with unbelievably gorgeous two-part vocal melodies. That night in 2005, Unrest took the stage to rapturous applause and dove right into “Suki,” the first (proper) song on Imperial f.f.r.r., a sustained, overwhelming burst of joy with a rapid, strum-happy style. Then came the stark, wistful “Imperial,” followed by the sublime “I Do Believe You Are Blushing.” Around this time, attentive fans realized that the group was playing Imperial f.f.r.r. in order and became even more deliriously happy. Although the instrumental “Champion Nines” was skipped, the band proceeded in order with “Sugar Shack” and “Isabel,” with a full-band arrangement instead of the minimal album version. Each member got a moment in the spotlight—Krauth sang his tune “West Coast Love Affair” and Cross sang her aural diary, “Light Command.” But the most stunning moment came with the genuinely moving “June” from Cross; fans knew that a few years prior, she had been undeservedly thrust into a nightmarish situation (if you must know, Google her name and “Skagway”), and for fans, her appearance on stage was nothing less than triumphant.

Life In The Noog

Trapped! By Chuck Crowder

“Just think if there had been speed cameras in Hazzard County. Bo and Luke wouldn’t have needed the General Lee. And that just makes me sad.”

Chuck Crowder is a local writer and general man about town. His opinions are just that. Everything expressed is loosely based on fact, and crap he hears people talking about. Take what you just read with a grain of salt, but pepper it in your thoughts. And be sure to check out his popular website www.thenoog.com

ell when my mail finally arrived (see “Going Postal” a few weeks back), it included an envelope with the return address of “Chattanooga Automated Enforcement Program” on it. Yep, I got me one of those camera tickets. It’s not my first one. I got one for “running” a YELLOW light at the intersection of Signal Mountain Road and Dayton Boulevard. It was just dark enough at the time for me to actually see the flash go off. I knew I was nabbed. But this time the ticket was for speeding on South Broad Street (46 in a 35). Now, anyone who’s driven down South Broad Street knows that road is three things—flat, straight and long. WHY then, does traffic have to maintain the painfully slow propulsion of 35 miles per hour in order to ensure safety? At that rate of speed the laws of physics prove that it should take no less than 20 minutes to drive the four miles between the Aquarium to Mojo Burrito (with red lights). And that’s just way too long to wait for lunch. When I saw the date and time of the infraction I remember exactly where I was going and what I was doing. I was late (as usual) meeting my ‘noog T-shirt partners at the Sunday Market but realized I wouldn’t feel like myself that morning without first downing a couple of Krystal Chicks (no mayo). Speed then, was of the essence. But what “speed?” Forty-six miles per hour? THAT’s speeding? I was waaaay down South Broad about to

go under the overpass. It’s not like I was in danger of taking out a couple of concert goers in front of the Tivoli. Shouldn’t the limit be higher the further you go down Broad? It’s not the crime though. I’m guilty as charged. I just don’t necessarily like the way I was caught. The way I was raised, when you carelessly sped down the street weaving from lane to lane an actual officer of the law was there to pull you over, check for open containers and then give you a verbal lesson in the dangers of excessive vehicular velocity as he scribbled out a ticket (by hand). And if that police officer happened to be napping or talking with another policeman in the car next to him and didn’t notice your car barreling down the road past him, then so be it. At least it was a fair fight. Nowadays, mechanical crimefighting camera contraptions are taking over and I for one am suspicious. In the olden days a policeman, if asked, had to produce the speed gun that recorded your speed and show you the number of miles over the limit he clocked or you could contest the ticket (and likely win). No proof, no foul. So when I received my electronic ticket I was a little baffled. First of all, there was no indication of my speed on the photo itself. The excess was simply stated in the attached letter. In fact, as far as I could tell, my car was going exactly zero miles per hour when the photo was taken. How is a still photo of my car on Broad Street an indication of speeding? Where’s the speed gun results? I wanna see it. And that red light ticket. Sure, I was past the line when the light turned red, but who’s to say that it wasn’t yellow the split second I passed underneath?

What’s the calibration on that camera’s shutter speed? I know that in other parts of the country the timing of the click has been successfully questioned (and adjusted). Maybe ours is a little off as well. At any rate, law enforcement cameras are, in my opinion, entrapment. It’s a lazy way for the city to make a few extra bucks. And by doing so, they endanger the jobs of good, old-fashioned police officers who you can physically wave to as you roll safely past a yellow light or “go with the flow of traffic” down South Broad Street. I personally know and like several of Chattanooga’s finest. And I certainly don’t want their jobs diminished to the likes of what a Nikon can enforce. I know, I know. The purpose of the cameras is to leave officers plenty of time to be out fighting REAL crimes, like murders, theft and whatnot. But gone is the thrill of breaking little minor laws that you can get away with. Just think if there had been speed cameras in Hazzard County. Bo and Luke wouldn’t have needed the General Lee. And that just makes me sad.

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.24.09 The Pulse

A&E Calendar Friday

Thursday

Chattanooga Choral Society for the Preservation of African American Song Candlelit Christmas Annual celebration of beloved spirituals and Christmas classics. 6 p.m. First Baptist Church, 506 E. 8th Street.

Send your calendar events to us at calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

Chattanooga Choral Society for Preservation of AfricanAmerican Song Candlelight Service 6 p.m. First Baptist Church, 506 E. 8th St. (423) 266-7728. “Deck the Falls” Ruby Falls, 1720 S. Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544. www.rubyfalls.com. “Angels” by Mary Ferris Kelly Exum Gallery, St. Pauls Episcopal Church, 305 7th St. (423) 266-8195. Walking History Tours of Chattanooga Chattanooga History Center, 615 Lindsey St. (423) 265-3247. chattanoogahistorycenter.org. Oils and Acrylics by Charlie Newton North River Civic Center, 1009 Executive Dr. (423) 870-8924.

The Princess & the Frog New Disney animated film featuring the first black princess and a return to traditional hand-drawn cell animation. An instant classic. Multiplexes everywhere.

Saturday

Up in the Air George Clooney stars in a film destined for many awards shows. Ably directed by Jason Reitman, who last brought us the delightful Juno. Multiplexes everywhere.

Monday “Tails on the River” Holiday Critter Cruise 12:30 p.m. Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (423) 207-3474. Southern Literature Club: White People 6 p.m. Rock Point Books, 401 Broad St. (423) 756-2855. www.rockpointbooks.com. “Speak Easy” Spoken word and poetry 8 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9040. www.mudpierestaurant.com. “Twenty Original American Etchings” Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org. “Look Again” River Gallery, 400 E. Second St. (423) 265-5033. www.river-gallery.com.

“Alchemy” Shuptrine Fine Art and Framing, 2646 Broad St. (423) 266-4453. “Holiday Highlights” Houston Museum of Decorative Arts, 201 High St. (423) 267-7176. www.thehoustonmuseum.com. “Holiday Show” Bill Shores Frames and Gallery, 307 Manufacturer’s Rd. Ste. 117. (423) 756-6746. www.billshoresframes.com. Soviet Photography by Dimitri Baltermants L.P. Cline Gallery, 508 Broad St. (423)265-4786. www.lpcline-russian-art.com. Liz Kinder Stoneware Plum Nelly, 330 Frazier Ave. Ste. B (423) 266-0585. www.plumnellyshop.com.

Oil Paintings by Chuck Frye Lookout Mountain Gallery, 3535-A Broad St. (423) 508-8117. www.lookoutmountaingallery.com. “Jellies: Living Art” Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org. “Helping Hands” Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738. www.cdmfun.org. “Twenty Original American Etchings” Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org. Bradley Wilson “Hard Lessons in Zoology: Paintings, Drawings, Assemblages” In-Town Gallery, 26A Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9214. www.intowngallery.com.

Sunday Mosaic Market 11 a.m. 412 Market St. (corner of 4th/Market) (423) 624-3915. “Tails on the River” Holiday Critter Cruise 12:30 p.m. Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (423) 207-3474. “Ruby Red Christmas” 5 p.m. Ruby Falls, 1720 S. Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544. www.rubyfalls.com/christmas. Mystery of the Nightmare High School Reunion 6 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. www.funnydinner.com. Comedy Showcase with Chris Killian and Tammy Jo 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com.

The Mystery of the Red NeckItalian Wedding 8:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. www.funnydinner.com. “Mole Hill Pottery” The Galleries at Southside, 1404 Cowart St. (423) 267-8101. www.molehillpottery.com. Jazz Photography by Milt Hinton Chattanooga African American Museum, 200 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8658. www.caamhistory.org. Bradley Wilson “Hard Lessons in Zoology: Paintings, Drawings, Assemblages” In-Town Gallery, 26A Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9214. Contemporary Art Hollis Gallery, 1401 Williams St. (866) 540-0896.

Tuesday

Wednesday

Frosty Free Day at the Science Theatre of Creative Discovery Museum Noon. Northgate Mall, 255 Northgate St. (423) 875-8522. www.cdmsciencetheatre.com. “Tails on the River” Holiday Critter Cruise 12:30 p.m. Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (423) 207-3474. Flick’s Café: Wild Strawberries 6:30 p.m. Chattanooga-Hamilton Bicentennial Library, 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-5310. “Holiday Show” Bill Shores Frames and Gallery, 307 Manufacturer’s Rd. Ste. 117. (423) 756-6746. www.billshoresframes.com. Soviet Photography by Dimitri Baltermants L.P. Cline Gallery, 508 Broad St. (423)265-4786.

The Pulse 12.24.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com 95.3 Pulse News

“Tails on the River” Holiday Critter Cruise 12:30 p.m. Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (423) 207-3474. “Deck the Falls” Ruby Falls, 1720 S. Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544. www.rubyfalls.com. “Angels” by Mary Ferris Kelly Exum Gallery, St. Pauls Episcopal Church, 305 7th St. (423) 266-8195. Walking History Tours of Chattanooga Chattanooga History Center, 615 Lindsey St. (423) 265-3247. chattanoogahistorycenter.org. “Love Supreme: An Exhibit Inspired by the Legendary John Coltrane” Chattanooga African American Museum, 200 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8658.

Cosi Fan Tutte The Mozart opera brought to the screen by the Salzburg Festival. $20 1 p.m. Rave Theaters, 5080 South Terrace, East Ridge. (423) 855-9652. www.ravemotionpictures.com.

“Tails on the River” Holiday Critter Cruise 12:30 p.m. Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (423) 207-3474. Opera in Cinema: Cosi Fan Tutte 1 p.m. Rave Cinema Theatre, 5080 S. Terrace Ave. (423) 855-9652. Comedy Showcase with Chris Killian and Tammy Jo 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. Matthew Dutton Solo Art Exhibition Mosaic Gallery, 412 Market St. (423) 320-6758. “Alchemy” Shuptrine Fine Art and Framing, 2646 Broad St. (423) 266-4453. Contemporary Art Hollis Gallery, 1401 Williams St. (866)540-0896.

Editor’s Pick: Featured Event Of The Week

Wild Strawberries The film that made Ingmar Bergman an internationally acclaimed director, about an elderly professor who confronts both past and future on a long day trip. Part of the “Films of the 50s” series in Flick’s Cafe. Tuesday, December 29 6 p.m., $1 Downtown Library, 1001 Broad Street (423) 757-5310. www.lib.chattanooga.gov

Arts & Entertainment

Inside Our Artists’ Studios By Michael Crumb

hat will it take for Chattanooga to become more of an arts center? Peggy Petrey emphasizes, “The arts don’t need justification.” Yes, an evolution of attitude couldn’t hurt. Petrey organized the Chattanooga Arts Tour to develop broader connections between our city and the larger arts world by making artists’ studios available to collectors. Chattanooga has already been designated as the second most-popular mid-size arts destination in the country by American Style magazine. This remains a great accomplishment. Along with this announcement, we have seen an increased visibility of our public arts, from the River Gallery Sculpture Garden, to Main Street, to Miller Park, where “Arriving Home” has brightened the park entrance. Significantly, Daud Akriev’s “Spring” and “Summer” installation at the south end of the Market Street Bridge has enhanced the bridge’s landmark status.

“Production schedules can limit their accessibility, so the Chattanooga Arts Tour can provide access to these artists.” Akriev’s studio becomes accessible to collectors through Petrey’s tour. Other artists connected with the tour include Melissa Hefferlin, Cesssna Decosimo, Elizabeth Rogers, Christopher Mosey, John Petrey, Rey Alfonso, Patricia de Leon Alfonso, Kem Alexander, Roger Halligan, Jan Chenoweth and Kerrick Johnson. Their

production schedules can limit their accessibility, so the Chattanooga Arts Tour can provide access to these artists. Petrey notes other reasons for developing the arts tour. There are a limited number of galleries, and many galleries are small. In addition, not all Chattanooga artists actually show their work in Chattanooga. This arts tour has variable parameters in order to provide a quality experience for collectors. (I should note here that Akriev’s “Seasons” sculptures and paintings, as well as works by Melissa Hefferlin, Elizabeth Rogers and Cessna Decosimo can be found at 1401 Gallery. Can Chattanooga develop more prominence as an art center? I spoke with an artist named Brandy, and she believes this to be likely, explaining that the artists are here, and their presence provides momentum for greater expansion and visibility. So, there is optimism on the streets. Petrey believes some factors still hold Chattanooga back. Can the gallery scene expand? There is some development of retail space, but how often does it include galleries? Also, more development of contemporary art would draw more attention to Chattanooga. There does remain here an emphasis on traditional forms; of course, some collectors prefer those forms. More resources for artists, I believe, would help a lot. Since limited resources promote competition, artists may not find needed support. In a difficult economy, it does make sense to invest in coming better times. Artists thrive where they feel welcome, and artists ought to be seen

as necessary members of the community. The broader acceptance of the diversity of artistic production promotes innovation. I do recall, in Taos, seeing an international oil painting competition, a breathtaking exhibition. Also, the Taos Museum regularly showed Taos Artists, much more accessible! Serious collectors here can take the Chattanooga Arts Tour.

Chattanooga Arts Tour Peggy Boyd Petrey (423) 413-1579. www.chattanoogaartstour.com

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.24.09 The Pulse

Spirits Within

Vodka to Spoil You Rotten By Joshua Hurley

or more than three months, Riley’s Wine and Spirits on Hixson Pike in Hixson has picked a favorite wine or spirit from our large selection and shared it with The Pulse’s readership. We have covered whiskey from Canada and Kentucky; wine from California, New Zealand, Italy, France and Chile; and tequila from Mexico. Why don’t we combine wine and spirits and see what we get? Well, we get a vodka distilled from grapes called “Ciroc,” and it’s the smoothest vodka on the planet. Vodka is clear distilled liquor composed of water and ethyl alcohol. The name “vodka” comes from the Russian word voda, which translates as “water”. No one is 100 percent sure of the origins of vodka, but it’s widely accepted that it originated in the graingrowing region that is now Poland, western Russia and Lithuania, in the early 1400s. It was then considered a medicine, and a large number of pharmaceutical lists from the period contain the terms “vodka of bread wine” and “vodka in half of bread wine”. Vodka is made using traditional distilling methods not all that different from whiskey. Both vodka and whiskey use water and natural grains, but whiskey is distilled at a low proof to retain flavor. Vodka is distilled at a high proof to produce a neutral spirit. Proof reflects alcohol content, and the higher alcohol content makes the distilled source, such as grains, starch (potatoes) and fruit (grapes) more subtle. When vodka first came to the United States, it wasn’t widely accepted. American had been accustomed to spirits such as whiskey or rum, which have a much more complex character. It wasn’t until the early 1950s that vodka’s versatility in mixed drinks was discovered. A restaurateur in Hollywood, in an effort to unload excess stock of ginger ale, blended vodka, ginger ale and lime and crafted the drink known as the Moscow Mule. The drink caught on and soon it was the toast of Hollywood. In 1955, vodka sales accounted for 3 percent of the American spirits market; by 1982, it had grown to 22 percent. Ciroc Vodka is made in France. What distinguishes this vodka from

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the hundreds already available on the market is that it’s distilled from grapes. All of the competing vodkas are distilled using corn, rye, wheat or potatoes. Because the base product is a fruit, Ciroc is the ultimate martini vodka, mixing easier with vermouth (also made from grapes), or any fruit-based mixer such as grape, orange or pineapple juice. The grapes used for the Ciroc Vodka are “snap frost” grapes; mauzac blanc from the Gaillac region of France and ugni blanc grapes from the Cognac region. Mauzac blanc is a white grape used mainly for wine. The Gaillac region is located in the southwest of France. Many French wines contain mauzac blanc, but usually in small amounts blended with a chenin blanc and/or chardonnay. This grape is also found in Bordeaux white wine. Ugni blanc is more widely known as “trebbiano” and is the most widely grown grape in France, where it’s used in cognac and brandy made in the town of Cognac in western France. Once the juice is extracted from these grapes it is cold fermented and distilled into vodka. Although all vodka is distilled, Ciroc distills its vodka five times. The more times a vodka is distilled, the smoother it gets—and the less likely you’re going to get a hangover. The two different grape varieties are distilled four times, separated and then blended together before the last round of distillation. Ciroc is made from grapes, but not grape flavored. The taste is clean, with hardly any burn and certainly no bite. It hides in almost any mixer and is still 80 proof. Once you’ve had Ciroc, you’re certainly spoiled, spoiled rotten. Cheers!

Table Service

Tasty Home Cooking from Central America By Colleen Wade

l Salvador, the smallest country in Central America, is rich with history. Once called Papil, “the land of precious things,” El Salvador is steeped in tradition—with holidays and celebracions spanning the year—and plentiful with exports like coffee, sugar, and camarones, better known here as shrimp. And the cuisine…oh, the cuisine. A while ago, Chattanooga was fortunate enough to gain a Salvadoran restaurant, Taco Rico. Taco Rico was opened by an El Salvadorian woman who had relocated to Chattanooga. She found a home for her Salvadoran eatery on Main Street, an area that was undergoing revitalization, an area on track to become the bohemian mecca of Chattanooga. As time went by, Taco Rico gathered a following, fueled by great food, mostly traditional Salvadoran fares with a few Mexican dishes sprinkled in, excellent prices, and a comfortable environment to get together. Even more changes were being made in the area, including some rehab to the building itself…and the nice Salvadoran lady who opened Taco Rico decided it was time to go home. Enter Chris Henegar and Rene Arevalo, both patrons of the restaurant. Rene, who is a native of El Salvador, came to Chris with the idea of buying the restaurant and keeping it open. Arevalo

moved with his family to Los Angeles at age eight and spent his formative years there, moving to Chattanooga three years ago. After moving here, he married Angelica Garcia, another El Salvadorian who began cooking Salvadoran recipes at 12. Needless to say, Arevalo, now manager of Taco Rico, and Garcia, who cooks every dish that leaves the kitchen, are keeping it real! Since taking over the restaurant, Henegar and Arevalo have added a few dishes to the menu, and made a few aesthetic changes to the restaurant; but, for the most part, Taco Rico remains the same as when the doors were opened originally, in both the tastiness of the food and the easiness on your wallet. Arevalo, Garcia, and Henegar added dishes like pastelitos, pastries similar to turnovers, filled with beef and potato; tostado de ceviche, a fish cocktail cooked in lime, and empanadas, a pastry stuffed with plantains and served with a milk pudding. But, again—fret not, you’ll still find the items that made Taco Rico such a popular place. There are pupusas, tortillas stuffed with cheese and pork, steak, chicken, chorizo, tongue, beans or shrimp. I know–you’re going back and reading that last sentence again, aren’t you? I had to, at the restaurant, reading the menu. But it’s correct. Tongue is listed as a choice of meat for pupusas and tacos. According to Arevalo, tongue, also called lengua, is a common ingredient in Salvadoran cooking. Henegar, the odd man out, not of Salvadorian descent, has tried this delicacy. “The first time I ate tongue, I knew I was eating tongue, and therefore, I was a kinda hesitant.

“Taco Rico remains the same as when the doors were opened originally, in both the tastiness of the food and the easiness on your wallet.”

But [Rene] was sneaky one time and put tongue in something and I didn’t know it the difference. The way it’s prepared is a big deal with that.” Not only can you find the tried-and-true Taco Rico dishes mixed in with a few new ones, but you’ll also find another addition to the menu. BEER! Henegar recently added beer, both domestic and Mexican, to the menu. “I added beer,” says Henegar, “just to get more of a night crowd in.” They’re also expanding their hours to include Sundays. Beginning in January, Taco Rico will be open on Sunday from 11 a.m. until 6 p.m. Don’t worry though—Henegar doesn’t want Taco Rico to turn into a cookie-cutter restaurant. You’ll still find the TVs tuned to Spanish-speaking channels and futbol. You’ll still find the same friendly service, the same great food and the same phenomenal prices you’ve always found at Taco Rico. Taco Rico is located at 207 E. Main Street, downtown Chattanooga. Hours of business are Monday through Thursday, 11 a.m. until 8 p.m. and Friday and Saturday, 11 a.m. until 9 p.m. (423) 752-8102.

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.24.09 The Pulse

Film Feature

Meryl, George and Holmes By Phillip Johnston

his Christmas, after the turkey has been devoured and the all the boxes lie in unwrapped piles around the tree, you may just get the urge to see a film. If you do, the major studios have got you covered with a few films sure to pack out theaters on the 25th and the days following. Holidays at the multiplex wouldn’t be complete without at least one piece of cinematic dreck and if that’s your fancy, feel free to purchase a ticket for Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel. If the title alone doesn’t give you chills, just get a load of the summary from the film’s press kit: “There have been many great movie sequels. There have even been prequels. Now, get ready for the world’s first SQUEAKQUEL, in which superstar ‘Munks Alvin, Simon and Theodore finally meet their match…in newly arrived female trio, the Chipettes.”

Jake (Alex Baldwin). Jake has remarried and Jane has started seeing the architect of her new kitchen (Steve Martin), but the two of them find their romance rekindled after an innocent meal before their son’s college graduation. Hi-jinks ensue. It’s Complicated is written and directed by Nancy Myers, a perceptive and very funny female director known for films that pile up one sexual complication after another (What Women Want, Something’s Gotta Give). The film also stars Jon Krasinski (aka Jim from NBC’s The Office). Director Guy Ritchie is known best for his dark and gritty cult comedies like Snatch and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, but his intriguing take on Sherlock Holmes hits theaters on Christmas Day. The film follows the legendary sleuth (Robert Downey Jr.) and his assistant Watson (Jude Law) as they trek through London trying to capture the evil killer and occult sorcerer Lord Blackwood (Mark Strong) who has recently risen from the grave. Ritchie’s “Sherlock” looks to be a strange amalgamation of comedy, drama, puzzles, thrills, and occult mysticism that would probably have Sir Arthur Conan Doyle rolling in his grave, but the director insists that this is the Holmes he’s always envisioned. Plus, an American is playing the famous London detective. “I wanted to somehow represent what I believe to be an authentic Sherlock Holmes, which is quite subjective,” Ritchie says. “I like the idea of an American playing Sherlock Holmes. [Robert Downey Jr. is the] right age, right look, right intellect. He does a job I know I can’t do. He’s a true actor, and I enjoy working with people who do

“Director Guy Ritchie is known best for his dark and gritty cult comedies like Snatch and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, but his intriguing take on Sherlock Holmes hits theaters on Christmas Day.” Thanks, but no thanks. Check out Wes Anderson’s Fantastic Mr. Fox or watch Pixar’s UP again for a less brain-crushing alternative. Looking slightly more appealing for the older crowd is the new romantic comedy It’s Complicated starring Meryl Streep, Steve Martin, and Alec Baldwin. Streep plays Jane, a thriving businesswoman and mother of three grown kids who has an OK relationship with her ex-husband

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what I can’t do.” The biggest film making its way to the multiplex this weekend is Up in the Air, starring George Clooney as big-business frequent flyer Ryan Bingham, whose job is to fire people from their jobs. He lives out of a suitcase and feeds off the anguish and despair of his clients, but the tables suddenly turn when he is fired from his job and his goals and lifestyle are thrown into confusion. Up in the Air is directed by Jason Reitman, who made the brilliant Thank You for Smoking in 2005 and the darling Juno two years ago. Both of his previous films have humanized characters otherwise sent to the fringe of society—a marketing representative for big-business tobacco company, a pregnant teenage girl—and this new film is no different as it is the story of a thoroughly unlikable corporate bearer of bad news. “I always hoped that George Clooney would play this role but I was never presumptuous enough to think that he would actually do it,” says Reitman in the press kit. “It’s not a movie about a man who makes a decision, but about a man who comes to an epiphany. The movie asks George a question— ‘Where do you want to go?—and then turns that question back on the audience.” Where do you want to go? Well, when it comes to holiday movies, you now know your options.

JONESIN’

By Matt Jones

“Circular Logic”

–we keep going around and around.

Free Will Astrology CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I’m happy to announce that 2010 could be the year when you become a more expert communicator. It’s not that you do a bad job now; it’s just that there is always room for improvement, and this will be an excellent time to attend to that. Life will be bringing you an abundance of experiences that will help you learn to listen better, cultivate more tact, read people’s body language like a pro, and consistently speak about the elusive truth with language that’s both kind and effective. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): I’ve known some practical, sensible, well-grounded Aquarians in my life. They’re outnumbered, though, by the dominant sub-type of your tribe: the imaginative, idiosyncratic irmprovisers with lightning reflexes and high-flying notions. But even if you belong to the latter group, in 2010 you’ll be gaining the capacities of the former. In fact, I think this will be the year you get more things done than you ever have before. Attention to detail will be your specialty. You’re likely to excel in mastering the part of genius that’s comprised of 98 percent perspiration. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): The pop star Pink is a successful singer. Not only does she have a great voice; she has also sold 32 million records and won two Grammies. Recently she added what I think is an extraneous element to her live performances: a trapeze act. At the MTV Video Music Awards last September, she delivered her song “Sober” while swinging through the air and hanging upside down 60 feet off the ground. I was perplexed as I watched her, thinking to myself, “Doesn’t she have confidence that her song and her singing can stand alone?” In 2010, Pisces, I urge you not to follow her lead. There’s no need for you to go way overboard as you try too hard to give too much. Just sing your songs.

Across 1 He played the grandfather in “Little Miss Sunshine” 10 ___ avis (unusual species) 14 One who doesn’t mind feeling the pinch 15 Planet inhabitants? 16 Mark Morrison R&B hit of 1997 18 Cube in a container of pork and beans 19 ___ amis 20 “Un momento, ___ favor” 21 Had more than a feeling 23 Herb used in Mexican cuisine 28 Home of d’Artagnan in “The Three Musketeers” 32 Qatari ruler 33 Breakfast mishap 36 Mazda Raceway Laguna ___ (Monterey racetrack in operation since 1957) 37 Genetic messenger material 38 “The Pillars of the Earth” novelist Ken 40 “___ blu dipinto di blu” (“Volare” alternate title) 41 “___ not have sexual relations with that woman” 43 Bucket at the theater 45 “Don’t ___ me, bro!” (2007 catchphrase) 46 Sean Preston’s mother 47 February birthstone 49 Use as a quote 53 Yahoo’s Jerry Yang, until

late 2008 54 Dorm supervisors, for short 57 Public regard 58 Movies like “Star Wars,” e.g. 64 Fix some paragraphs 65 TV title sung after “Ain’t we lucky we got ‘em” 66 Food bank containers 67 Youthful status Down 1 “That deaf, dumb and blind kid sure plays ___ pinball!” (“Tommy” lyric) 2 It may be ordered with extra foam 3 Sch. that’s home to the Sun Devils 4 “Cheers” exclamation 5 Spotty problem 6 Greek letters that look like P’s 7 Zapp Brannigan’s assistant, on “Futurama” 8 “Was ___ das?” 9 Degree in math? 10 “Sheena Is a Punk Rocker” band, with “the” 11 Rented pad 12 DVR remote button 13 Pose a question 16 John-John’s uncle 17 Smog watchers: abbr. 22 Chicago-based cable superstation 23 Fuel mining site 24 Bee or beetle, e.g. 25 Bulwer-___ Fiction

Contest (yearly contest involving deliberately awful opening sentences to novels) 26 Sch. with a Houston campus 27 Dental hygiene brand 29 Grp. that oversees liquor and Lugers 30 Visit 31 Fireworks attraction, perhaps 33 Water filter brand name 34 Free up a river’s flow, maybe 35 Go wild 39 Three, in Torino 42 Picks up on 44 “The city that never sleeps,” for short 48 Tilling tool 50 Like some verbs: abbr. 51 See 62-down 52 Pre-album samplers: abbr. 54 Foxx who played Sanford 55 Blue chip, perhaps 56 Make Kool-Aid 58 Triple ___ (liqueur variety) 59 BlackBerry, e.g. 60 Insurance worker: abbr. 61 Anonymous surname 62 With 51-down, burlesque dancer and Marilyn Manson ex Dita 63 John’s “Pulp Fiction” costar

©2009 Jonesin’ Crosswords (editor@jonesincrosswords.com) For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle #0392.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): What influences do you really, really need to say goodbye to? The next six months will provide you with ample motivation and opportunity to finally bid those farewells. What long-term cycle really, really needs to be drawn to a close, no more hemming and hawing, all loose ends tied up and all mixed signals clarified? Again, the time between now and the middle of June will bring you the necessary inspiration to make it happen. But it’ll take deep thought and sustained work and an expanded sense of humor, so get started soon. TAURUS (April 20-May 20): According to astronomer Mark Whittle, the Big Bang began in silence. Soon it crescendoed into a majestic major third chord 50 octaves below middle A. Then it transformed, over the course of a million years, into a wistful minor third chord. In my vision of the first two-thirds of 2010, the music of your life will have a similar pattern: It begins with silence. Next, it progresses into a lush major feel, with spirited and complex contrapuntal themes. Then in June, it evolves into a dreamy, contemplative phase. By late September, however—unlike the Big Bang—you will move into a third act, in which the music of your life returns to the lively mood it had at the start, only now with the gravitas that the reflective phase has instilled. GEMINI (May 21-June 20): I have good astrological reasons to suspect that a year from now, your empire will be bigger. The resources you have at your disposal will be more substantial, the influence you wield will be more meaningful, and the responsibilities you oversee will be more demanding. You can’t, however, just sit back passively and expect fate to make it all happen for you. You will have to work your assets off: get better organized, clarify your game plan, and commit to taking better care of yourself. None of that is mandatory, of course. Being a lazy wanderer with no mission statement is definitely an option. If you do go in that direction, though, don’t complain to me next December about how you feel like you’re made of cookie dough. CANCER (June 21-July 22): You will need to learn a lot in 2010, Cancerian. You’ll be in a phase of your long-term cycle when it will be wise to enhance your problem-solving skills and

By Rob Brezsny

increase the knowledge you have at your disposal. So let me ask you: What can you do to gently shock yourself into prying open your mind? What is it that you don’t know but need to know? By the way, the coming year will also be a good time for you to offer yourself up as a teacher. In fact, sharing your knowledge and problem-solving skills will make you more receptive to what you need to learn. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Do you know any world travelers, shamanic healers, or visionary entrepreneurs? If not, there’s a good chance you’ll meet some in 2010, possibly even forge alliances with them. Crafty activists, brilliant artists, and deep thinkers may come your way, as well. Another possibility is that cohorts and comrades you’ve been linked to for some time will embark on mind-expanding quests that blow your mind as well as theirs. One way or another, Leo, the coming year will bring you more than the usual benefits and challenges that come from being in relationships. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I was in my first rock band in North Carolina in the 1970s. We did a mix of cover tunes by David Bowie, Lou Reed, and Patti Smith, plus original hippie-punk songs and my poetry rants. Controversy arose virtually every time we performed, especially in places like the North Carolina State Fair in Raleigh (where we competed with the cacophony of mooing cows) and frat parties (where we endured the shouted insults of drunken jocks). It wasn’t until I moved to California that I synced up with an audience that appreciated my idiosyncratic musical sensibilities. According to my reading of the omens, Virgo, 2010 could bring you a comparable transition: finding listeners or hooking up with collaborators who are a better fit for your unique qualities. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I’m always befuddled by astrologers who preach the gospel of doom and gloom when they talk about the influence of Saturn. My experience is that the ringed planet provides the greatest gift imaginable: motivation to become the person you were born to be. It steers you away from pursuing goals that aren’t in alignment with your soul’s code. It pressures you to give up vain fantasies that even if fulfilled wouldn’t make you happy. That’s why I’m happy to report to you the following good news: As Saturn travels through your sign for much of the time between now and October 2012, I expect that you will be prompted and prodded to cut away the irrelevancies that distract you from claiming your birthright. SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Comedian Chris Rock has a joke that plays on the stereotypes about your sign: “Most Scorpios die while they’re making love!” (Only he uses the f-word instead of “making love.”) I understand the source of his satire. There are more than a few grains of truth in the notion that Scorpios revel in the enigmas of eros and death. On the other hand, I wouldn’t reduce your mystique to such a simple formula. I’d prefer to say something like this: You’re sexy when you’re letting go of your staunch self-control. Or: You’re an expert at transcending humdrum modes of awareness by stimulating intense pleasure. Or: If fully harnessed, your orgasmic power could kill off any destructive compulsions you might be harboring. And by the way, 2010 will be one of the best years ever for you to cash in on these capacities. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): According to my analysis of your astrological omens, 2010 isn’t a year to get your head in the clouds, but rather to grow deeper roots. Your job, as I see it, isn’t so much to explore the heights, but the depths. I think you should focus on getting to the bottom of things, not the top. Your instrument of choice should be a microscope, not a telescope. Your specialty won’t be playing spectacular guitar solos but rather groovalicious bass lines. Homework: If you’d like to enjoy my books, music, and videos without spending any money, go here: http://bit.ly/7Cj8rY

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.24.09 The Pulse

Ask A Mexican

Special Navidad Gifts Edition By Gustavo Arellano

“In all honesty, the only libro people interested in the Mexican Question should buy this holiday season is the one they should already have: Carey McWilliams’ majestic North from Mexico: The Spanish-Speaking People of the United States.” Ask the Mexican at themexican@ askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, find him on, Twitter, or write: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

Dear Mexican, Can you recommend a solid, accessible history of California and Arizona so I can learn what really happened when the U.S. gobbled Aztlán? — La Chica Confundida Dear Wabette, The holistic classic in this genre of Rodolfu Acuña’s Occupied America: A History of Chicanos, but it’s a bit pricey, a problem that the legendary profe has told the Mexican he is trying to rectify. For California, I recommend Leonard Pitts’ The Decline of the Californios: A Social History of the Spanish-Speaking Californias, 18461890, which examines the tricks and treasons gabachos used in screwing over California’s native Mexicans after the Mexican-American War; Hispanic Arizona, 1536-1856, by James E. Officer offers the same for the Copper State, and is a great chinga tu madre for the Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpayaso fan in your familia. But as much as you and I would like to think otherwise, the rest of this Mexican-obsessed country doesn’t share the same fascination for Arizona, California, or the American Intervention. Really, the best book you can purchase to teach people about the Reconquista are two: mine. Kidding…sort of. In all honesty, the only libro people interested in the Mexican Question should buy this holiday season is the one they should already have: Carey McWilliams’ majestic North from

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Mexico: The Spanish-Speaking People of the United States. Though it celebrated its 60th anniversary this year, McWilliams’ effort continues to beat any Pew Hispanic Center study, National Council on La Raza press release, or George Lopez monologue in explaining why Mexicans and their descendants en los Estados Unidos act the way they do, and why gabachos hate wabs so. Mixing little-known history with thoughtful analysis and wonderful prose, North from Mexico impresses with every reading, and has spawned a thousand Chicano Studies monographs. More crucially, McWilliams was the first gabacho who cared for Mexicans not for their tithes, cheap labor, fecund wombs or taco specials, but as actual members of the American fabric. Seriously, cabrones: this guy deserves a spot in the Mexican Catholic pantheon along the Santo Niño de Atocha and Our Lady of San Juan de los Lagos, and if you don’t have North from Mexico in your library already, you’re no better than a Guatemalan. Dear Mexican, Some columns ago, someone asked about Mexican comic books. How about going a little more highbrow? Which Mexican poets who aren’t writing in English, contemporary or otherwise, would you recommend to a gabacho looking to expand his literary horizons southward? Right now I know of Sor Juana Inés de la Cruz and Laura Solórzano, and there’s about 300 years between them. I’m looking for translations, because I’m a lazy gabacho who doesn’t know Spanish.

— No Good at Coming up with Witty Names, Either Dear Gabacho, Highbrow, in this column? Who do you think I am—Ruben Navarrette? I can give you but two poetas—one old, one timeless. Ramon López Velarde died young in 1921, but his abstract, postmodern poetry influenced generations of Mexican writers, and my fellow jerezano’s “La suave patria” (roughly, “The Sweet Motherland”) remains as hallowed an artistic celebration of Mexico as the films of Pedro Infante or the Mexican national anthem. The University of Texas released a translated López Velarde anthology a couple of years ago, but his clever rhyming schemes, puns, and references disappeared like decorum at a San Diego Minutemen meeting. Easier to appreciate is the work of Jose Alfredo Jimenez, Mexico’s greatest singer-songwriter. He understood the contradictory essence of the Mexican soul—the drunken prophet, the weeping macho, the embittered optimist, the jingoistic twerp—and captured it with somber yet stirring couplets. If you want to read his lyrics, buy Jose Alfredo Jimenez: Cancionero Completo (Complete Songbook), which comes with a wonderful essay by the Mexican intellectual (yes, they do exist) Carlos Monsivaís, but your gabacho ass needs to comprender Spanish first. In the meanwhile, buy Jimenez’s albums (especially the one he recorded with Banda El Recodo), pour some Herradura, and let the holidays flow. Feliz Navidad, indeed.