The Pulse - Vol. 7, Issue 13

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G! N I CK E! O H • S IZARR LE! • B EDIB !

CR LL TRUE N I • it’s A and

WEEKLY WORLD

PULSE

CHATTANOOGA’S ONLY RELIABLE NEWSPAPER

THE TRUTH ABOUT ENTERPRISE SOUTH

LOCAL HIPSTERS CRY OUT FOR ECONOMIC RELIEF OF LATTES, ORGANIC FOODS FREE • VOLUME 7 • ISSUE 13 • APRIL 1, 2010

President Jim Brewer, II

2010

Publisher Zachary Cooper Contributing Editor Janis Hashe News Editor Gary Poole Calendar Editor Kathryn Dunn Advertising Manager Rhonda Rollins Advertising Sales Rick Leavell, Leif Sawyer, Townes Webb Art Director Kelly Lockhart Graphic Design Jennifer Grelier Staff Photographer Louis Lee Contributing Writers Gustavo Arellano, Rob Brezsny Chuck Crowder, Hellcat Helene Houses, Joshua Hurley Matt Jones, Phillip Johnston Andrew Martin, Robert McCrary Angel Mouse, Ernie Paik Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D. Stephanie Smith, Alex Teach Colleen Wade Editorial Cartoonist Rick Baldwin Editorial Intern Jonathan Selby

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11 THE SINISTER TRUTH ABOUT ENTERPRISE SOUTH

By Andrew Martin Chattanoogans rejoiced when they learned that an international automaker was coming to town. Little did they know, it wasn’t being brought here to build cars, but to build something far more sinister by our Machievellian mayor, eager to defeat all foes near and far.

feature stories

Copy Assistant Bryanna Burns

12 HIPSTER POPULATION SLOWLY RECOVERS

Rocks The Casbah Josh Lang

By Robert McCrary The reappearance of the Hipster population at local establishments around Chattanooga has stimulated new hope that the local economy is coming out of its doldrums.

Contact Info: Phone (423) 648-7857 Fax (423) 648-7860 info@chattanoogapulse.com Calendar Submissions calendar@chattanoogapulse.com Advertising advertising@chattanoogapulse.com The Pulse is published weekly and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publishers may take more than one copy per weekly issue. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors.

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1305 Carter Street Chattanooga, Tennessee 37402 Letters to the editor must include name, address and daytime phone number for verification. The Pulse reserves the right to edit letters for space and clarity. Please keep letters within 500 words in length.

The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on culture, the arts, entertainment and local news.

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16 A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS

By Angel Mouse First, I would like to give a huge shout out to all the 15-year-old girls, dressed like prostitutes, who sing about love and heartbreak, on which I am sure they are experts.

21 NO EXIT, NO REDEMPTION

By Philip Johnston French director Jacque Audiard’s new film A Prophet is a sprawling prison epic focused on a single character serving a long sentence, but I’ll warn you from the start: this is no Shawshank Redemption.

24 WORLD ACCORDING TO CHATTACOT

By Helene Houses In one of the biggest art projects in the history of Tennessee, a coalition of local visual and performing artists will collaborate to transform downtown Chattanooga into “Chattacot,” an interpretation of the Scenic City if it were part of DisneyWorld’s Epcot.

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BEYOND THE HEADLINES PULSE BEATS SHRINK RAP LIFE IN THE NOOG ON THE BEAT ASK A MEXICAN

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EDITOON CITY COUNCILSCOPE POLICE BLOTTER THE LIST MUSIC CALENDAR NEW MUSIC REVIEWS A&E CALENDAR DINING OUT SPOTLIGHT SPIRITS WITHIN FREE WILL ASTROLOGY JONESIN’ CROSSWORD

Editoon

by Rick Baldwin

Beyond The Headlines

By Ernie Paik

New Grant Program Encourages Bad Artists to Move Away In 2006, the ArtsMove program was introduced to award financial incentives to accomplished and promising artists who would commit to moving to Chattanooga and living in the downtown area. Going one step further, the organization CreateHere unveiled a new grant program at its Main Street office on Thursday, with the goal of increasing the overall quality of the art produced in Chattanooga.

“How can we make Chattanooga a better place for arts and culture?

You can bring in good artists, like the ArtsMove program has done.

Now it’s time to try a different approach,” said CreateHere creative strategist, Kris Falusi. “Our new program, AnywhereButHere, grants financial incentives to the very worst artists in town if they move away— and stay away.”

Falusi explained that a 15-person jury endured a grueling selection process, wading through countless

pieces of hideous art, albums of unlistenable and uninspired drivel, and hours of pointless, incompetent filmmaking. Those deemed to be the very worst artists were awarded $2,500 to move at least 50 miles away from Chattanooga’s city limits for one year; if there is any evidence that the artist has produced any substantial, quality work within that time, the award must be forfeited.

Among the 2010 AnywhereButHere grant recipients, present at the ceremony, were: • Lena Hagendazovich, who creates portraits of her dog Snuggles using dry pasta.

• Filmmaker Roscoe Crumlee, originator of the “Lens Cap On” silent film movement.

• The rock band Re-Eleven, which exclusively performs songs by

311.

“In the music world, there’s a joke that goes: ‘What’s worse than 9/11? Answer: 311,’” said Falusi.

“And what’s worse than 311? A 311 cover band.”

“Don’t stay home—I don’t think you’ll ‘be here awhile.’ Go on, git!” said Falusi, while making shooing gestures toward the band.

Send all letters to the editor and questions to info@chattanoogapulse.com We reserve the right to edit letters for content and space. Please include your full name, city and contact information.

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The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 13 | April 1, 2010

Chattanooga's Weekly Alternative

Pulse Beats Saturday Night’s All Wrong For Fighting

Quote Of The Week:

A rundown of the newsy, the notable, and the notorious...

A Saturday evening gathering of teens at Coolidge Park turned violent when several groups of gang members confronted each other amid the crowd. A gun was drawn and in a matter of moments five people were shot and the panicked crowd fled in fear of their lives.

North Shore business owner David Smotherman witnessed the growing crowd and estimated the number of teens and young adults at around 400. “There were several cops there trying to disperse the crowd when the shots were fired,” he said. “It was like a pack of wolves roaming through a herd of deer.”

Smotherman said the large crowd was not an unusual occurrence, noting that it is common to see groups of several hundred wandering the park on weekend evenings. What made this past Saturday so dangerous was that many of the groups were dressed in obvious gang colors. “I saw a number of people dressed head-to-toe in all red,” he said, referring the color worn by members of the Bloods gang. Watching from the back window of his business on Frazier Avenue, which overlooks the park, he saw the violence unfold. “People were running like crazy to get away; the police were just overwhelmed.”

Police Chief Freeman Cooper acknowledges that there is a serious problem with gangs in the city. “What’s going on in the city with the gangs is families are letting their teenagers and young adults just be out of control,” he stated in an interview on News Talk 95.3 WPLZ Monday morning. “That is something the police will never fix. Until families step up and control the people in their own household, we’re not going to see an end to this. There are not enough police in the world to make that go away.”

It is strongly speculated by police

www.chattanoogapulse.com

investigators that the Coolidge Park shootings were partly as result of a Friday night double shooting on Southern Street that sent two teenagers to the hospital. “We have a gang problem here in the city and we’ve been saying that since 2003,” Cooper acknowledges.

“We arrest gang members every week, and then they make bond and go right back out doing their thing.”

What is making matters more difficult is that gang members have embraced modern technology to communicate and organize gatherings and confrontations.

“These young people stay in contact with each other on phones, instant messaging each other, texting each other, Facebooking each other, Twittering each other,” Cooper explains. In a Monday afternoon press conference at the park, Mayor Ron Littlefield echoed Chief Cooper. “Many cities, Chattanooga included, are dealing with the issue of flash mobs,” Littlefield said. “It started as a fun thing, with kids and bands and things of that nature. But it’s getting ugly. And it’s time for this community, and others, to turn it back to what it was originally intended to be.”

Littlefield strongly defended the actions of the police officers and park rangers who were on the scene trying to disperse the crowd. “I will say without any reservation that it was handled properly and by the book,” he said firmly. “No one should blame those who were here restoring order. We can increase the police presence, and we will. We can increase the bike patrol and we will.”

The question on the minds of local

“This park is somewhere that we want people to come to everyday. It’s a beautiful park, a beautiful place to spend the afternoon or the entire day with your family.”

—Chattanooga Chief of Police Freeman Cooper extolling the virtues and appeal of Coolidge Park.

Here is one of the more interesting agenda items set to be discussed at the April 6 meeting of the Chattanooga City Council.

6. Ordinances – First Reading: a) An ordinance to amend Chattanooga City Code, Part II, Chapter 2, by adding a new Article XV to establish a “Whistle Blower” Protection. business owners who depend on visitors to the park, and the residents and visitors who come to downtown Chattanooga to enjoy the riverfront, the parks, the restaurants and shops is whether the increased police presence will be enough.

With an upturn in gang violence in recent months, combined with a police department that is seen by many to undermanned, a lot of people have expressed genuine fear about coming downtown.

Callers to the various talk radio stations, letters to the editor, blog and Facebook conversations in the past few days have all show a great deal of concern and a noted lack of confidence in the future safety and security of Coolidge Park and the surrounding areas.

Chief Cooper was quick to point out that this was, in fact, a highly unusual event and not something that happens on a regular basis. “The last incident was in 2006, and the incident before that was in 2004,” he noted. “We’re talking about over the last six years we’ve had three shootings down there when there could have been a thousand. The opportunities have been there. But we don’t have that kind of problem here that they do have in other cities.”

In a perfect world, there would never be a need for protection for those who uncover evidence of abuse of taxpayer money, shady deals, or violations of procedures or laws.

Unfortunately, we do not live in a perfect world, and there is always a small percentage of people whose moral and ethical compasses are broken (or at least rather damaged).

Alas, the people who expose these individuals are often retaliated against by their superiors to the point where they need special protection.

This protection potentially also encourages others to shine the light into otherwise dark corners. This ordinance would lay out the exact protections afforded to “whistle blowers”, an ordinance that is long overdue.

The Chattanooga City Council meets each Tuesday at 6 p.m. in the City Council Building at 1000 Lindsay St. For more information on the agendas, visit www.Chattanooga.gov/City_ Council/110_Agenda.asp

April 1, 2010 | Vol. 7, Issue 13 | The Pulse

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The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 13 | April 1, 2010

Chattanooga's Weekly Alternative

A weekly roundup of the newsworthy, notable and often head-scratching stories gleaned from police reports from the Chattanooga Police Department, the Hamilton County Sheriff’s Office, the Bradley County Sheriff’s Department and the Dalton Police Department.

• Skipping classes has been a time-honored tradition for years, though school officials have made great strides toward cracking down on the education-avoiding scofflaws.

However, it seems the current generation of class skippers doesn’t have as firm a grasp on the how-to’s as previous generations have. Like the basic plan of actually leaving the area of the school so as not to be easily caught. And to not sit with your fellow class skippers in a car in plain sight of the school. Oh, and to not be playing with a loaded .32 pistol when the School Resource Officer walks up to the car. Then again, kids with common sense aren’t the ones skipping classes in the first place, which means those that do lack such basic understanding end up being arrested and hauled off to jail.

• People who travel regularly, either for business or pleasure, have often have issues with their accommodations. Most people deal with the management to get the problems resolved. Some, however, go to slightly more drastic approaches to express their displeasure, often crossing the legal line in the process.

Which was the case with a disgruntled guest at a local motel who, apparently highly displeased with their lodging, decided to express their ire by plugging up the sink and bathtub and turning on all the water. The

www.chattanoogapulse.com

resulting flood caused extensive damage to the carpet, furniture and walls of not only their room but several adjacent rooms. The guest, however, will likely miss the general comfort of a motel room when confronted with the future accommodations involving steel bars and a distinct lack of amenities.

• Shoplifting is a common crime and generally doesn’t make the Police Blotter unless it involves an unusual item being taken, a rather substantial amount stolen, or a member of an elected body. The manager of a North Market Street retail business called police after noticing a woman shoving a large amount of cosmetics and other items into her purse and clothing. When the officer arrived and confronted the woman, not only did she have several hundred dollars worth of cosmetics in her purse, she had also attempted to conceal a number of cakes and Easter candy inside the front and back of her shirt.

The woman, who claimed to have been “homeless and desperate”, was arrested and told to stay away from the store.

• Another common crime is home burglary. In any given week, there are a number of police reports filed by people who have had their homes broken into and property stolen. As with shoplifting, the vast majority of these incidents do not enjoy media

Strangest Sports Around The World 1. Wife Carrying – The Finns have perfected the sport of wife carrying, where a husband must carry his wife on his back through a challenging obstacle course, with the winning couple usually being awarded large amounts of beer.

2. Man v. Horse – The Welsh, for reasons known only to them, came up with a marathon pitting men versus horses in a cross country race. Safe money is generally on the horse.

attention unless there is something unusual about the case. Like a robber leaving not only the pry bar used to break into the house, but also articles of their own clothing. A Glass Street resident came home to find their rear door pried open and their house ransacked. They also found a pry bar on the nightstand and, because apparently the act of ransacking overheated the burglar, a light-gray fleece jacket at the rear step. Then again, with the rather bi-polar weather we’ve had of late, it’s conceivable that in the time it took to break into and ransack the residence, the temperature made an abrupt change. It is springtime in Chattanooga, where such weather extremes happen seemingly in a manner of minutes.

3. Bog Snorkeling – Proving once again that the Welsh really have too much time of their hands combined with pretty bleak terrain, they have made a sport of snorkeling through water-filled trenches cut into peat bogs. Think of Louisiana swamps minus the alligators to get an idea.

4. Toe Wrestling – Think thumb wrestling, only with your big toe.

Yep, that’s it. Organizers of the World Toe Wrestling Competition in Derbyshire, England even petitioned the IOC to make it an Olympic sport, but to no avail.

5. Octopush – Think water polo combined with hockey, only completely underwater, and you have Octopush. Which has become quite popular in the UK, Australia, Canada, New Zealand and South Africa.

April 1, 2010 | Vol. 7, Issue 13 | The Pulse

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The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 13 | April 1, 2010

Chattanooga's Weekly Alternative

Shrink Rap

By Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D

Acting the Fool I

f laughter is the best medicine, then laughing at our own humanness, in all its goofy colors, is certainly dispensing ourselves a good dose of health!

Remember a couple of weeks ago when I wrote about my experience with “pocket dialing”? Embarrassing though it was at the time, it still gets me (and anyone I tell) giggling and rolling eyes in amusement. I mean c’mon … we all have our foolish moments, and we’re going to have more of them before the fat lady sings, so we might as well have a sense of humor about them!

I talked with some friends about this, and these are the stories they sent me to share with you. Have one or two that you want to share? Send ’em over, and we’ll revisit this topic from time to time, just to remind us to keep smiling, laughing, and to take our medicine.

From Robert, Spring City: Looking back on the many foibles I have experienced over my lifetime, this one always comes back to me with half humor, half anguish. I was on a return flight from Japan, having spent 17 hours in the air, and was totally exhausted when we were about an hour out of Memphis. I was in a drowsy, semi-conscious state, nodding off occasionally. It was not long before I jerked awake, only to feel the plane moving in what felt to be a backwards motion, as if it were slowly rolling away from a gate at the airport. With a bolt I sat up and asked the folks next to me in a loud voice, “IS THIS MEMPHIS?!” “Well, yes it is,” they replied. So I jumped up, proclaiming, “OH MY GOD! I’VE GOT TO GET OFF! I’VE GOT TO GET OFF NOW!!”

I went to the overhead compartment and started snatching my luggage while burying the guy underneath with falling bags who justifiably proceeded to cuss me out.

As I was running up the aisle, I was approached by a flight attendant with a concerned look on her face and asked her,

www.chattanoogapulse.com

“Is this Memphis?!” She said, “Yes,” and once again I told her in a loud and frantic voice, “I’ve got to get OFF…I’ve got to get off NOW!!!” She just smiled, and in a very sweet voice said, “Sir, if you will kindly have a seat we will be landing shortly.”

I then asked her (in a very feeble voice) if I could just sit up front for the rest of the flight so I would not have to face the passengers that witnessed my panic and were now laughing hysterically. Thought your readers might enjoy my tale of…

WHOA! From Mario, Chattanooga: While visiting my parents at their home in Southern Italy, I took my elderly mother to the market to stock up on her weekly food supplies. I was very much looking forward to feasting on some of the authentic Italian specialties I saw her purchase. That evening friends and relatives dropped by the house for a glass of wine and to socialize. We all sat out on the patio taking in the beautiful sunset over the majestic mountains. I remember thinking that my mother had purchased some thinly sliced prosciutto from the butcher and that it would make a wonderful little snack—just for me if I was quick about it! So I left the group, went to the fridge, grabbed the paperwrapped package and proceeded to dig in.

It was delicious! I reached in for another strip, chewed off half of it and then to my horror, realized I’d actually opened the wrong package and had been gnawing on thinly cut raw bacon by mistake!

Rather than take this culinary faux pas to my grave, I ran out of the house, eyes wide, holding up the half-eaten strip of raw bacon. As you might expect, the group went completely silent. Their mouths dropped open in horror…their expressions will forever be imprinted in my memory, silently proclaiming: “This man is completely mad!”

From Stephanie, Chattanooga: It was 1982. We were on a family outing to walk around the mall, just to get out of the house during those winter

months that tend to keep you huddled inside. I was still carrying about 70 extra pounds from my last pregnancy, so walking was a must! With me was my husband, my son in his stroller, my 8-year-old daughter and several of her friends, including 10-year-old Kevin.

We entered the mall near the ice-skating rink, which also housed a restaurant with large windows that looked out onto the skaters. This restaurant was known for its “Mountain of Nachos.” Much to my delight, they had generously placed a table right outside their door and covered it with luscious foods—samples of their menu items (or so I thought.)

While the others kept walking, Kevin and I stopped to relish the sight, and it didn’t take long for each of us to pick a plate to start sampling (devouring) the food. I chose the Mountain of Nachos and Kevin, some mini burritos. We dug in! Within a few minutes we saw a man approaching us from inside the restaurant, voice raised and arms waving. “What on earth are you doing?! That’s our food display —it’s not to be eaten!!! We spray these displays to keep the food looking good!” and on and on it went. By this time, the restaurant patrons stopped eating to see what all the ruckus was about. I was mortified! It never occurred to me that this table was anything but a sample smorgasbord intended for the delight of any passersby. Kevin looked up to me as if to say, “You’re the adult here, help!” I finally managed to stammer out an apology and begged to compensate the manager for our binge. One quick glance toward my husband and the kids, way up ahead, showed them laughing and pointing. “Mom and Kevin were busted eating a food display!”

To this day, I cannot even walk by food samples in the grocery story without turning red in recollection of that embarrassment so many years ago!

Until next time: “Let your life lightly dance on the edges of time like dew on the tip of a leaf.” — Indian philosopher Rabindranath Tagore

“Rather than take this culinary faux pas to my grave, I ran out of the house, eyes wide, holding up the half-eaten strip of raw bacon.”

Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga, and the author of “Empowering the Tribe” and “The Power of a Partner.” Visit his new wellness center, Well Nest, at www.

WellNestChattanooga.com, and his website at www.DrRPH.com.

April 1, 2010 | Vol. 7, Issue 13 | The Pulse

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The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 13 | April 1, 2010

Chattanooga's Weekly Alternative

Weekly World Pulse News

The Sinister Truth About Enterprise South

By Andrew Martin, Investigative Reporter

“If the county government doesn’t want to play ball with the city, the robots will be used to occupy county government offices and give control to the mayor.” www.chattanoogapulse.com

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hattanoogans rejoiced when they learned that an international automaker was coming to town. Little did they know– it wasn’t being brought here to build cars, but to build something far more sinister by our Machiavellian mayor, eager to defeat all foes near and far.

In an undercover expose by the intrepid investigative journalists of The Weekly World Pulse, we were able to discover the truth of what is planned out at the Enterprise South industrial supersite. The truth is as simple as it is frightening—Chattanooga Mayor Ron Littlefield has made secret plans to build an army of robotic minions.

The robots, utilizing the latest advances in combat robotics and positronic intelligence circuitry, are scheduled to begin rolling off the assembly line by the end of the year, in time for the ongoing lawsuits against his recent annexation plans to wind their way through the courts.

“It’s no secret that the mayor has long desired to unite all of Hamilton County under one government,” said a wellplaced source within City Hall. “However, the legal and legislative process is just taking far too long and the mayor only has three years left to make his mark on the city.”

The robots, who resemble a cross between a Star Wars stormtrooper and Star Trek’s nearly unstoppable Borg drones, are planned to be used as shock troops to secure the areas of the county that have so far resisted joining the city.

“It’s really quite simple,” our source explained. “If the county government doesn’t want to play ball with the city, the robots will be used to occupy county government offices and give control to the mayor.”

Opponents of annexation and metro government are not taking the news of the impending robotic apocalypse lying down. Word has come to us that a ragtag group of freedom fighters have managed to steal plans for the still-under-construction plant and are looking for a weakness in the defenses they can exploit.

“Our best scientists are reviewing the blueprints in detail, and we think we have found a weakness,” says one of the rebel leaders. The former farmboy, an amateur pilot of some skill, says he is confident the rebellion can overcome the efforts of the mayor and his staff. “I know the odds are against us,” he says, “but I believe we have a good shot of being able to destroy the plant with a well-placed shot against one of their exhaust ports.”

Reports that the rebel leader’s sister was captured transporting the stolen plans back to the hidden headquarters somewhere in the north end of the county are still unconfirmed. “She’s a strong woman,” the former farmer noted. “She’s been like a princess to our family since birth. I am sure she’ll never crack and reveal the location of our hidden base.” —Additional reporting by Daneel Olivaw April 1, 2010 | Vol. 7, Issue 13 | The Pulse

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Weekly World Pulse News

“Hipster” Population Slowly Recovers with Local Economy

By Robert McCrary, Cummunity Scene Reporter

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he reappearance of the Hipster population at local establishments around Chattanooga has stimulated new hope that the local economy is coming out of its doldrums. Thrift stores are seeing steady increases in the sale of vintage T-shirts and Western-style, snap-button shirts. Bars and live music venues are beginning to see sales of import beers rise after nearly two years of “Dollar Beer Night” being the only light in an otherwise dark tunnel of beverage sales.

Chip Drucker, a bartender at one of the local Hipster haunts, is hopeful the worst is over. “It’s been a long time since I have served anything but 20-oz. PBRs with any volume,” Drucker told The Weekly World Pulse. “We jumped on the ‘Dollar Beer Night’ band wagon early in the decline to take advantage of whatever money the folks had in their pockets. We had people paying for dollar beers with change, pennies...stupid crap like that. I actually had a one guy trying to barter his beers with Blitzentrapper bootlegged live CDs.” Drucker went on to add, “And don’t even get me started about the tips you would get on dollar PBRs. I’m like, ‘Dollar Beer Night’ doesn’t translate into ‘No Tip Night’, asshole.” Now, he said, it seems the deep freeze of the economic Ice Age could be thawing.

“I actually sold about 10 import beers last Saturday night. I was like, whoa!”

The signs that the Hipster set is finding its monetary footing is also welcome news for the upcoming concert and festival season. Bonnaroo, one of the nation’s largest music festivals, held about an hour away in Manchester, TN, has implemented a Payment Plan for its ticketing-purchase scheme. Undoubtedly feeling the pinch, since

the important Hipster population’s wallets are as skinny as their tapered leg jeans, Bonnaroo wants to give them every opportunity to make the trek and the Payment Plan may be the life preserver many of them need to do so.

“I’ve actually had to buy nonorganic milk for about seven months now. It’s just gross. I’ve been able to keep buying some of my usual stuff. But my morning triple latte has now been reduced to a single Americano.”

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The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 13 | April 1, 2010

We spoke with two self-described Hipsters, Sarah and Jacob, to get their perspectives on how the economy has affected their lifestyles. “I’ve actually had to buy non-organic milk for about seven

months now. It’s just gross,” Sarah said.

“I’ve been able to keep buying some of my usual stuff. But my morning triple latte has now been reduced to a single Americano.

Also, I have been panhandling to buy more minutes for my phone. It really has been a major adjustment.”

As he carefully adjusts his aviator sunglasses and rolls up the sleeves on his Western, one-size-too-small shirt Jacob explained, “I planned on flying out to Portland, OR to hook up with my friends and hit some live music out West this summer. That’s not even an option now.

The only solace I can find for this is some 20-oz. PBRs and maybe getting some 12-inch demos of my low-fi band, Beach Horse, out by the end of summer.”

There’s no doubt, it’s been a long, cold Hipster Winter. But it seems that the blooms of a Hipster Spring are starting to show through, and at last, dollar 20-oz.

PBRs may not be the only thing sold in the Hipster Global Village.

Chattanooga's Weekly Alternative

Weekly World Pulse News

Formicidae Vivarium F

or more than a decade, people from all around the globe have enjoyed visits to our homegrown, adventure-filled Tennessee Aquarium. Nothing local can compare to its freshwater glory.

From the lengthy escalator ride, to the several levels of gigantic water-filled eco systems, it’s a piece of art and an instant hit with the Chattanooga area since conception.

Several years later, a new addition to the Aquarium would be built, to host some of the ocean’s most notable and feared creatures. Penguins, sharks, jellyfish, and giant horror-tastic crabs entertain daily for hundreds of locals and tourists. This miniature companion to the epic Aquarium certainly has not disappointed either.

But few know there is an additional, secret project: The Jack Lupton Memorial Terrarium has been highly confidential since 2003, but finally (after enough prodding) has surfaced to this journal’s hands. We thought that all aspects of aquarium life has been covered, from water to land.

However, The Jack Lupton Memorial Terrarium complements the other Aquariums in ways that would make the world’s best marriage look like a sham.

From the first walkthrough of the new establishment, you are instantly filled with emotions similar to Nirvana. Almost as if death had come to touch you with his feeble skeleton hands, you could die happily, knowing you had seen the Jack Lupton Memorial Terrarium with your own eyes.

Ants…trillions of…ants. In www.chattanoogapulse.com

several, intricately connected and hard-to-see tunnels. Spanning over the range of seven powerhouse tanks. An eco-system like no other. If you are confused by the new structure’s visibility, that is because the founder wanted an atmosphere much like the ants’.

According to a press release, “To experience ants first hand, you must understand how it is they function on a day-to-day basis, with minimal lighting, claustrophobic quarters, and short life span.”

The location of this project is directly underneath the first Aquarium. It’s true—under all the twisted steel and sex appeal lies one of the greatest hidden secrets ever kept from Chattanooga, for seven whole years: A giant ant farm, littered with thousands of different species, hundreds of queens, and several dozen colony takeovers.

One of the biggest complaints about the saltwater aquarium was that the sharks wouldn’t eat the live fish in the tanks. “We felt that after trying for so long to get the sharks off hand feeding, we would would raise the ants to fend for themselves,” said a spokesperson. This reporter’s favorite moment was indeed when a colony of fire ants completely destroyed and demolished a peaceful carpenter ant colony.

A moment of Zen, my friends. A moment of Zen. Look for the new Aquarium opening soon, probably in December of 2012. Be prepared for awesome. — Flik

Local Gnome Community Outraged By Rock City Annexation

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ast year, Mayor Ron Littlefield proposed an annexation plan for the City of Chattanooga, including zones in Lookout Valley, Hixson, and East Brainerd. This was met with both support and scorn from the City Council and local residents; some saw the move as progress for the city, while others were skeptical and concerned about increased taxes.

The Mayor’s office has now announced the next phase in the Chattanooga annexation, which includes Rock City and its boroughs within: Fairyland Caverns, Shamrock City, and Mother Goose Village.

The announcement was met with unanimous opposition from Rock City residents, several of whom assembled outside City Hall to protest on Wednesday.

Rock City’s prominent gnome community was represented along with spokespeople from the local leprechaun and winged fairy communities.

“Annexation doesn’t make sense. We have all the services we need in Rock City,” said Buzzy Brumblebush, a 173-yearold gnome. “If we have a fire that needs to be put out, then Maddy Mae Mandrake will cast a rainstorm spell. I don’t need the police, because my magical toad protects me,” he said while removing his pointy red cap, revealing a small toad sitting on his head.

“As for sewer service, we have that covered. We just throw our used pinecones down the bottomless well next to the Enchanted Garden,” said Brumblebush.

“They just want me shilling,” said Clodagh McPickles, a leprechaun. “Try as they will, and try as they might, who steals me gold won’t live through the night,” said McPickles, while furiously shaking a shillelagh clenched in his fist.

Mayor Littlefield released a statement to the protestors, asking them to envision a bold future for the city and expressing empathy, even revealing the fact that his father was a 12th level half-gnome magic-user.

— Ernie Paik April 1, 2010 | Vol. 7, Issue 13 | The Pulse

13

Life in the Noog

By Chuck Crowder

Thank You, Good Night!

W

ell, faithful readers, it is with great sadness but unbridled enthusiasm that I report my upcoming absence from The Pulse and more unfortunately, the noog, as I pursue a dream that has literally fallen into my lap over the course of the past few days.

For you see, my fantasies about someday growing up to become a rock star have come true. I’m joining a little outfit that’s sold literally millions of records and has a worldwide reputation for heavy rock. And all I had to do to get there was call the number scribbled on a flier I found securely stapled to a Chicago telephone pole.

It read, “Former members of major influential ’90s band seek singer/ songwriter/guitarist for a world tour freakout of heavy rawk, illicit drugs, loose women—and spite.”

Now, while the first three benefits of their advertisement sounded somewhat enticing, it was the last one that intrigued me the most. Spite? Then I read the papers. Seems former Smashing Pumpkins front man and basic reasonfor-having-a-band-in-the-first-place Billy Corgan was getting the old band back together—but without the “old” band.

Reports suggested that Billy had tired of the old mates he bossed around like Joan Crawford and was looking for three new suckers to play exactly what he told them to play—but without the lip. And that left his original ensemble of guitar, bass and drums without a leader willing to make things happen for them (again). They needed a mentor, and since fate had delivered me to the right flier-riddled telephone pole at the right time, I knew I was just the man for the job.

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I called the number on the flier and was summoned to a Starbucks that I quickly Google-mapped and grabbed the closest “L” headed that way. After a few transfers and getting lost between Upper Wacker and Lower Wacker Drive, I found the eerie cookie-cutter coffee house by its iconic green logo mark featuring some Greek goddess who may or may not be jacked-up on café lattes at the time.

Inside, sipping grande half-caf Frappuccinos with double whip, an extra shot, extra hot and a lid were the three individuals I was expecting to find—James Iha, Jimmy Chamberlin and the chick bass player whose name for the life of me escapes my memory at the moment.

“Hello,” I said, “My name is Chuck.

I’ve never picked up a guitar, can’t carry a tune, never written one word of a song and have perpetual stage fright. But I’m willing to learn. You have my word.”

“Hi,” the hot chick bass player whose name I can’t remember said as she smiled and pushed the empty chair tucked under their table out (with her foot) for me to sit down. Then, without stopping even to sip my refreshing whipped “coffee drink,” I launched into a string of pearls of what I would do to make them famous again.

First, a new name.

I figured in order to capitalize on their previous fame, but keep us out of the courthouse, we’d have to come up with a name strikingly similar to Smashing Pumpkins, but different enough to attract curiosity. By a vote of 3 to 1 (Jimmy Chamberlin was asleep at the time), it was settled—Squashing Gourds.

Then, the music.

I proposed a juggernaut of dark, brooding Delta blues meets jazz fusion meets Daniel Johnston meets Judas Priest with the vocal stylings of Ronnie James Dio meets Muddy Waters meets William Shatner. It couldn’t miss.

Finally, we needed to record an album that was sure to go down in the annals of rock history as an instant classic (for whatever reason). Then it hit me. A rock-opera-esque concept album about front porch sightings called Stoop.

The album would chronicle the day-to-day events witnessed by a hardworking rock band while relaxing on their front porch just chewing gum and writing songs. Ideas that immediately came to mind to illustrate my point were stuff like “Hey You Kids Get Outta My Yard,” “Peeping Tom,” “Hornet’s Nest,” “Paperboy Missed Again,” “Transposed Address Mailman Blues,” and the clincher—a ten-minute epic closer that would sum up the feeling of the entire project, entitled, “We’ve Got Weather.”

After listening, enamored, to my ideas the band signed on as if their ship was setting sail without them. They handed me a contract that, without reading of course, I immediately signed and dated—April 1, 2010. Rock on!

“I proposed a juggernaut of dark, brooding Delta blues meets jazz fusion meets Daniel Johnston meets Judas Priest with the vocal stylings of Ronnie James Dio meets Muddy Waters meets William Shatner.

It couldn’t miss.”

Chuck Crowder is a local writer and general man about town. His opinions are just that. Everything expressed is loosely based on fact, and crap he hears people talking about. Take what you just read with a grain of salt, but pepper it in your thoughts. And be sure to check out his popular website www.thenoog.com

Chattanooga's Weekly Alternative

www.chattanoogapulse.com

April 1, 2010 | Vol. 7, Issue 13 | The Pulse

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Music Feature

By Angel Mouse

A Few Of My Favorite Things F

irst, I would like to give a huge shout out to all the 15-yearold girls, dressed like prostitutes, who sing about love and heartbreak, on which I am sure they are experts. This goes to Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus (or Hannah Montana).

Let’s not forget the first generation of these beasts, either. Thank you, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, for giving all the preteen girls of the world such pristine role models. I think that going even more filthy and giving yourself that clever name “X-tina”, while wearing very little clothing, really reminded our female population to concentrate on school and good grades.

Britney, before you, my kid cousin never knew how to have a mental breakdown in public or wield a baseball bat, but good news, she does now.

I am so very thankful for you guys.

I am so glad that someone came along and took the initiative to remind our young people that if you dress up like a whore and look like one too, then you really don’t need any talent. I would also like to thank Taylor Swift and Miley for giving me excellent relationship advice. I still don’t know why they laughed at me, but I am sure they will come around. Maybe they will write me a note.

Also, I would like to say that I love all the new rap songs that make up words and phrases that make absolutely no sense. I would be in complete paradise if my house and car constantly sounded like Raw on the weekends. I just can’t get enough lollipops or walk it out enough. I personally think that our English language is a bit overrated and could stand to be destroyed a bit more—if the text messages, e-mail, and internet abbreviations don’t ruin it first. Let’s keep our fingers crossed!

Ignerence iz da best, 4 sure! Plus, we can’t overlook the quality relationship advice given by these songs, about how cheating is commonplace, and it’s all about getting really messed up and taking bitches home.

I’m so glad they cover that, so that I don’t have to waste my time explaining it to my future kids at the dinner table.

Way to save me some time, rappers!

Another new hot topic on my list of favorite things is a DJ. Now, it has come to my attention that sampling

other people’s music and figuring out how to link your iPod to a projector in front of a bunch of ecstasy- or idiocy-soaked kids now qualifies you to be a musician. Congrats!

Now all the computer kids that never picked up a guitar, or any other instrument, will never have to! Amazing!

Let me get this straight: You pay a guy to come to your venue and play his iPod on shuffle, perhaps adding a transition effect every now and then, or perhaps twirling a glow-stick? Wow. See, I thought the whole rave thing was out. I thought it went out in, like, 2001. Maybe calling them “dance parties” or a full on “ball” has breathed new life into these events.

Thank God, because I don’t know what I would do if I had to live in a world where I didn’t see a grown-up with a pacifier in their mouth, all painted up with gold sparkles, trying their best to be out of fashion and original.

Now, maybe I can give myself a cool title, if I put my iPod on and became a drive-by DJ. I could come up to unexpecting people, pelt them with suckers, possibly glitter, and turn up my tunes really loud. I bet I could start a revolution. People drive-by-dj-ing all over the place. Who is with me? I mean, come

“Speaking of which, I can’t get enough boy bands.

Maybe I will start working on Boyband Fest 2011. Oh, I can see it now!”

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on! Don’t ruin all my fun. Another thing, have you noticed all the beards at these things? I had no idea, but apparently, a beard and a V-neck are the new dance party accessories. I must remember to put my beard in my car, for future drive-by-dj-ing opportunities.

Another few things that I love. I love Facebook. I love people being in my

business at all times. I love having to see a bunch of superfluous information about people I have never met in real life, or, excuse me, IRL. I almost forgot to abbreviate there, and how could I face myself in the mirror if I spelled out the original phrase? I mean, how outdated and boring.

I also love alcoholism. It’s an amazing wonderful thing, that convinces you that destroying everything you care about and everything you’ve worked so hard for is a good idea, or maybe no big deal. I also love the fact that you really don’t ever tell off the people that deserve it. You never really cut ties with those that you probably should. Oh no, you buy the bad influences a few shots, and then call your best friend, significant other, or family member, or all of the above, to give them a real what for. Good! They probably deserved it, what with their being asleep and minding their own business. I mean, the audacity of some people! It’s always a good idea to drink and dial. What do you mean, waking up with a crushing headache and a heart full of regret isn’t your idea of a good morning? Well, you should try it.

Oh, and I love the color pink. Actually, I love anything pastel. Speaking of which, I can’t get enough boy bands.

Maybe I will start working on Boyband Fest 2011. Oh, I can see it now!

Chattanooga's Weekly Alternative

www.chattanoogapulse.com

April 1, 2010 | Vol. 7, Issue 13 | The Pulse

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The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 13 | April 1, 2010

Chattanooga's Weekly Alternative

Music Calendar Highlights Friday

Thursday

Dandasha Belly Dance Show with Gypsy Nomads Also known as “Frenchy and the Punk,” the New York-based Gypsy Nomads combine with bellydance to shake it at JJ’s. $7 10 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

Send your calendar events to us at calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

Jamey Johnson 8 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 705 Broad St. (423) 757-5050. www.chattanoogaonstage.com Karaoke 9 p.m. Playoff’s Sports Bar, 3501 Brainerd Rd. (423) 697-9050 Slim Pickens, Moonslew 9 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644.

Open Mic with Gabriel Newell 9 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Channing Wilson 9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com Eddies of the Wind 9 p.m. The Riverhouse Pub, 224 Frazier Ave. (423) 752-0066. www.myspace.com/ theriverhousechattanooga

Behold the Brave, Taxicab Racers, This Is Luke, Taylor Maleshenko Former local faves Taxicab Racers return for “Save the Scenic City Fest, Day One.” $7 7 p.m.

The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Road, East Ridge. www.myspace.com/warehousetn

Saturday

Yo Gotti & Friends Memphis-style rap comes to the Memorial. $41.50 - $46.50 7:30 p.m.

Memorial Auditorium, 399 McCallie Avenue.

(423) 757-5050. www.chattanoogaonstage.com

Monday Paul Longhorn’s 18 Piece Big Band 7:30 p.m. Lindsay Street Hall, 901 Lindsay St. (423) 755-9111 www. lindsaystreethall.com Amos Lee + 2, Mutlu 9 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com Karaoke 9:30 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com Dancing & DJing The Palms at Hamilton 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202.

(423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com

www.chattanoogapulse.com

Matt Turnure Trio 7:30 p.m. The Original Blue Orleans Restaurant, 3208 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 629-6538. blueorleanscreolerestaurant.com Molly Maguires 10 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Doug Wheelock and David Schwind 10 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.com Power Players Show Band 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com The Cadillac Saints, Gabe Newell and Muddy Soul, Husky Burnette 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644.

Kelsey’s Woods 10 p.m. T-Bones Café, 1419 Chestnut Ave. (423) 266-4240. www.tboneschattanooga.com Lamb Handler, Racing Death, BugGirl 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia Signal Path, Uprise Dub, Cornflower, Ron Day, Ill Cosby 10 p.m. Club Fathom, 412 Market Street (423) 757-0019.

Paul Smith and the Bourbon Street Band 9 p.m. Bourbon Street Bar, 2000 23rd Street. (423) 697-9957. www.townandcountryinn.net 7th Under Tragic 9 p.m. The Riverhouse Pub, 224 Frazier Ave. (423) 752-0066. www.myspace.com/ theriverhousechattanooga

Sunday Evergreen Terrace, Death Before Dishonor, Upon a Burning Body 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd., East Ridge. myspace.com/warehousetn Pat Terry 8 p.m. Charles and Myrtle’s Coffeehouse, 105 McBrien Rd. (423) 892-4960. www.christunity.org Josh Roberts and the Hinges 8 p.m. Ziggy’s Hideaway, 607 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 634-1074. myspace.com/ziggyshideaway Open Mic 9 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9043. www.mudpierestaurant.com Hegarty & DeYoung 9 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com

Tuesday Open Jam and server appreciation night 7 p.m. Playoff’s Sports Bar, 3501 Brainerd Rd., (423) 697-9050.

Power Players Show Band 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878.

Velcro Pygmies 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644.

Indian Friend (CD release), One Shoe Untied, The Rayons, Wraith Manager 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400.

Banger’s Ball 10 p.m. Club Fathom, 412 Market Street (423) 757-0019. www.clubfathom.com Paul Smith and the Bourbon Street Band 9 p.m. Bourbon Street Bar, 2000 23rd Street. (423) 697-9957. www.townandcountryinn.net Danger Kitty The Riverhouse Pub, 224 Frazier Avenue. (423) 752-0066.

Wednesday Ben Friberg Jazz Trio 6:30 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market Street, (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com

The Ben Friberg Trio 7 p.m. Table 2, 232 E. 11th Street, (423) 756-8253. www.table2restaurant.com

Karaoke 9 p.m. Playoff’s Sports Bar, 3501 Brainerd Rd., (423) 697-9050

Open Mic with Mike McDade 9 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996.

Rollin’ in the Hay 9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644.

Karaoke 9:30 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com

Wild Moccasins, North American Free Royalty 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

TNA party with Champions of Breakfast, Oxxen 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400.

Rock ‘n Roll Wednesdays 10 p.m. Discoteca, 309 Main Street.

Elephant Micah, Time and Temperature, Kelly Hashaw Lo-fi/indie/folk rock favorite Elephant Micah drops in from Indiana. $7 10 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

Jeremy Lesley Band 10 a.m. Graceworks Church, 6445 Lee Highway. (423) 648-9125. www.graceworkschurch.com Open Mic w/Jeff Daniels 4 p.m. Ms. Debbie’s Nightlife Lounge 4762 Highway 58, (423) 485-0966. myspace.com/debbiesloung Irish Sessions Music 6: 30 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.com Open Mic 8 p.m. Gene’s Bar & Grill, 724 Ashland Terrace, (423) 870-0880. myspace.com/genem14 DJ GOP The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202.

(423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com

Editor’s Pick: Featured Event Of The Week Amos Lee + 2 Tour with Mutlu Singer/songwriter Lee has been called an artist to watch by Rolling Stone, and made appearances on all the late-night talk shows. His tour with Norah Jones raised his profile worldwide.

So see him before he’s selling out the bigger venues.

Monday, April 5 $20 9 p.m.

Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market Street.

(423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com

April 1, 2010 | Vol. 7, Issue 13 | The Pulse

19

New Music Reviews Black Tambourine Black Tambourine (Slumberland) One of the ack-nowledged and deserving pinnacles of noise-pop is the early feedbackdrenched work of the Jesus and Mary Chain, including the milestone album Psychocandy and the “Upside Down” single, which put them on the map. This writer also holds a lesser-known and underappreciated band in the same high esteem, which mined similar territory with a gloriously noisy approach and utterly captivating songs. That group is the Washington, D.C.-area band Black Tambourine, which had a brief existence in the early ’90s and left behind a small, yet potent discography.

The quartet included vocalist Pam Berry, co-founder of the indie-pop zine Chickfactor, Archie Moore and Brian Nelson from Velocity Girl (which recorded for Sub Pop), and Slumberland Records co-founder Mike Schulman. Each instrument in the band (guitar, bass, drum kit) had a distinct identity that transcended the player himself, since the men swapped instruments. The drum parts were thunderous, getting a big sound from

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The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 13 | April 1, 2010

By Ernie Paik

just a floor tom, snare, and cymbal. The bass lines were fluid and penetrating, and the guitar noise was often overwhelming in the best possible way. Enveloped in this racket was Berry’s lovely, spine-tingling, choir-girl voice, singing wistfully about dissolved relationships.

The new compilation Black Tambourine features all ten tracks on 1999’s Complete Recordings, remastered, and it also sports six additional tracks: two early demos of key songs along with four new recordings made by all of the original members in 2009, of songs performed yet never recorded back in the day. Of the two demos—“For Ex-Lovers Only” and “Throw Aggi off the Bridge”— the latter is a revelation, with an even more furious, go-for-broke spirit and arresting guitar mayhem. Two of the four new songs are covers, including “Heartbeat” by Buddy Holly and a tough-but-sweet, motorik-beatinfused version of “Dream Baby Dream” by Suicide, revealing just a few of the group’s disparate influences. The other new tracks, “Lazy Heart” and “Tears of Joy,” are instant classics, adding a drum machine and glockenspiel to the band’s core formula.

For rabid Black Tambourine fans (this writer included), this release is seriously a dream come true, but for most listeners, the group’s uncompromising sonic methods will probably be unlistenable. Noise, distortion, and feedback in the right hands can be emotive, and when you have a song like “Throw Aggi off the Bridge,” where the singer asks the subject of her crush (in this case, Stephen Pastel of the Scottish band

the Pastels) to murder his bandmate Aggi, it makes sense to use those elements to create a delirious, twisted, and ecstatic song.

Mulatu Astatke Mulatu Steps Ahead (Strut) One of the standouts within the abounding and frequently amazing Ethiopiques series, centering on Ethiopian music in the ’60s and ’70s, is volume 4, which is devoted to composer, bandleader, and musician Mulatu Astatke. Several of those classic tracks were even featured in the soundtrack for the Jim Jarmusch film Broken Flowers, marking a surge of interest among Western audiences for his work. The Ethiopia-born Astatke had studied music in Boston, where he honed his jazz skills; his name is synonymous with “Ethio-jazz,” his concoction that mixes traditional Ethiopian styles, expansive jazz, Latin sources, and polyrhythmic funk. The last few years have seen a bustle of activity from Astatke, including collaborations with the jazz-oriented Either/Orchestra from Massachusetts and last year’s fine team-up,

entitled Inspiration Information 3, with the U.K. funk-sound-travelers the Heliocentrics.

His latest release, Mulatu Steps Ahead, is actually his first solo album in over two decades, and it leans more toward the jazz side of things, with a refined musical identity.

Once again, Astatke employs kindred members of the Heliocentrics and Either/ Orchestra for Mulatu Steps Ahead, and also traditional musicians from Addis Ababa add their flourishes to the album.

It begins with “Radcliffe,” an unfurling track, which is the sound of the players metaphorically stretching their arms and feeling out the territory; fluttering strings and harmonics, mysterious winds, and exotic hand percussion merge with the jazz elements, including piano, double bass, a Harmon-muted trumpet, and Astatke on vibes. “The Way to Nice” (referring to the town in France) has a laid-back Afro-Cuban groove with a glimmer of intrigue, due to the use of a motif that’s reminiscent of the James Bond theme. Astatke revisits the old track “I Faram Gami I Faram,” dialing down the tempo a little but retaining the strong Latin influences, allowing it to roam with free vocalizing and some brass interplay.

Mulatu Steps Ahead is rich with details for those searching for them, but for those drawn to his numbers with more of a funk groove or a rougher sound, they might not be as interested in this material that focuses on jazz and Latin aspects. It’s a wellcrafted album that’s intentionally clean and polite—it crosses borders but stays within safe territory.

Chattanooga's Weekly Alternative

Film Feature

No Exit, No Redemption

By Philip Johnston

“A Prophet is a gangster film through and through and one that places itself firmly beside The Godfather, Once Upon a Time in America, and last year’s Gomorrah.”

www.chattanoogapulse.com

F

rench director Jacque Audiard’s new film A Prophet (this week’s selection in the Arts and Education Council’s Independent Film Series) is a sprawling prison epic focused on a single character serving a long sentence, but I’ll warn you from the start: this is no Shawshank Redemption.

Don’t expect any talk of unquenchable hope, secret escape, or voiceover from a worldly-wise Morgan Freeman because A Prophet is a gangster film through and through and one that places itself firmly beside The Godfather, Once Upon a Time in America, and last year’s Gomorrah. By virtue of association, A Prophet inherits all the lore and mythos of those films; by virtue of artistic prowess, it becomes a masterpiece in itself.

The story belongs to Malik El Djebenaand, a young Franco-Arab in the process of being transferred from juvenile

detention to a standard prison. His crime is never mentioned—it could be something as petty as stealing a load of bread—but one thing is painfully clear: he is scared, and the new environment offers no promise of safety or security.

Initially, that is.

César Luciani, the prison’s most powerful Corsican mobster, immediately notices Malik and sees him as a useful tool for infiltrating the prison’s Muslim faction. Within a week, he demands that Malik off an Arab named Reyeb with a swift and secretive razor slice to the jugular. Complying will result in full protection; ratting on Luciani will result in death. The game is set.

A Prophet is a bleak film in both subject and tone. Lensed in hard grays with only a few instances of bright color or sunlight, Audiard generates an atmosphere that bears down hard on both character and viewer. The rare scenes of violence and sexuality are extreme and not for the faint of heart. It only takes about 20 minutes to start feeling Malik’s claustrophobia, to empathize with the inescapable nature of his situation, and to feel the searing pain when his first assignment for the Corsicans comes to a botched finale.

Through all this, A Prophet pays the utmost attention to detail and requires the same of its audience—Audiard isn’t going to spout off details or remind viewers of what they should have been paying attention to five minutes before.

Though the influence of American films is evident, his sensibility is distinctly un-Western, penetrating the reality of a French prison clearly and unapologetically Malik is unlike the usual gangster film protagonist. He is far from strong, rarely ruthless, and initially flinches at the thought of violence. That said, A Prophet uses the fearful nature of its protagonist to work its main

theme—mainly that the rise to power in the mob is not always filled with pomp, circumstance, loud gunbattles, and fearful deliberations among the elite, but can be subtle, unseen, and, in the end, astonishingly lucrative. In the film’s two-and-a-half hour run time, Malik commits two acts of extreme violence, one signifying initiation into the protection of the powerful, the other an act of consummation as he quietly becomes wielder of power over those who exploited him. This is not a spoiler, for the brilliance of A Prophet is in the manifold details.

When compared with its genre successors, A Prophet offers few innovations to the traditional “rise to power” storyline. Its scope may not be as deep as Coppola’s or as wide as Leone’s, but what it lacks in conception and grandeur it gains in stark poeticism, metaphysical clarity, and intuitive power.

The title is no gimmick, and though Audiard’s treatment of the theme of the Islamic prophetic voice is kept mostly under the surface, it is clear that there is something beyond the natural possessing Malik’s world. And it stretches far beyond him being haunted by the ghost of the first man he killed.

All these details might lead to the assumption that A Prophet is a puzzler and, in a way, it is. There is simply no way to comprehend the whole story in one viewing, Still, A Prophet presents itself so forcefully that its greatness is undeniable. The film’s final shot will no doubt become iconic in gangster lore for it signifies, along with the rest of the film, that French film has made its grand entrance into the mob.

A Prophet Directed by Jacque Audiard Starring Tahar Rahim, Niels Arestrup, Hichem Yacoubi Rated R Running time: 2 hours, 35 minutes

April 1, 2010 | Vol. 7, Issue 13 | The Pulse

21

On The Beat

By Alex Teach

Blaming the Bandage I

was going to do a terribly clever April Fools theme this week, but wouldn’t you know it?

Mayor Littlefield already beat me to it.

No. There’s too much police-related stupidity going on to waste a week on anything other than Vicodin and a good rant. Well, maybe a “so-so” rant. I’m too annoyed with Ron at the moment to clearly articulate my irrational disdain of his underhanded bullshit and there are already enough cops publicly crying out against his heavy-handed bully tactics that I don’t need to muddy the waters, so I’ll go back to my other favorite scratching post: Commissioner Greg Beck. (I’d endorse his opponent Bernie Miller, but a man of integrity and intelligence such as his doesn’t need the endorsement of a card-carrying asshole such as myself. Sorry, Bernie.)

Mr. Beck recently set up a podium at the Kanku’s convenience store on Wilcox Boulevard to espouse his biannual excuse to be seen publicly within 60 days of an election, wherein he traditionally states something obvious with either no solutions or something so vague as to be completely smoke-like in its validity. And in this, he yet again succeeded.

He, along with several other generally self-appointed leaders, decried the very existence of a convenience store that is clearly causing people to be shot for no reason whatsoever. From what I gathered from the meeting, its brightly lit existence and freshly poured concrete are driving young men to violence and forcing them to sell drugs and form gangs. Solutions presented consisted primarily of cleaning up litter and calling the police. (I didn’t make that up.)

As fate would have it, many, many

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years ago as a baby Po-lice, the greater Eastdale area was my first assignment.

In the early ’90s, it looked like an artist’s impression of a neighborhood that was left in a dark, warm, damp place for too long, and covered in stale beer and sadness for good measure.

Nearly 20 years later…it still looks like that same dark, damp place, but with an added layer of soot for character. Not one empty malt liquor bottle or broken chunk of cinderblock has changed, except for one spot: The Kanku’s convenience store.

Not only is it the first new construction in the area of the Wilcox and Tunnel Boulevard intersection since Bush 41, it is a million-dollar build at that. Bright-white halogen lights push back the darkness of night, and residents have competing gas prices and a selection of food that dwarfs its competitor (an equally infamous Conoco across the street) for the first time ever. And what does store owner Ashish Chaudhari get for the success of his investment in this blighted area?

Blame. Blame for having the audacity to sell potato chips and beer in an area other business owners are too (rightfully) terrified to stake a claim in.

Mr. Chaudhari makes about 10 cents from each gallon of gas sold, and the remaining profit comes from the sales

of snacks, novelty items, and beer that cannot be consumed there. And from the potato chip and beer profit, he is being forced to spend $10,000 dollars a month to pay off-duty officers to stay on the lot. $120,000 dollars a year out of pocket, and still he is being held responsible for the deaths from drive-by shootings on his lot.

The North Brainerd Community Council is not blaming the decay of the modern family unit and the complete absence of a value system in children for the shootings on the lot. They’re not blaming a soft court system or the absence of community involvement in creating an environment that discourages criminal behavior and encourages personal accountability.

Hell, they’re not even blaming Montez Davis or Jamaal Byrd, who have been charged with the murders on the store’s lot: They’re blaming the owner of the store for creating a brightly lit business that attracts people with the munchies and gasoline-operated vehicles. That dirty, underhanded son of a bitch.

Once again, our community leaders are focused on fixing the parts that are not broken. Instead of praising the addition of a new business and working to protect it and spread its sanitary example to the repulsive neighborhood around it, they blame the bandage for the freakin’ wound, and so the “Circle of Dumb” continues.

(Long sigh) I know. “Relax, Officer Teach.” I am. This is relaxed; but it stands to reason…I’m not bitter because it’s my nature. I’m bitter because some people are stupid, and apparently may not know it. So just as you would be morally wrong to abandon a lost child, I am bound to let people know they are stupid. (No need to thank me, Messrs.

Beck & Schreane. It’s just what I do.)

Speaking of such, I’m still waiting, Mr. Littlefield. You can say, “April Fools!” any second now, OK?

“Instead of praising the addition of a new business and working to protect it and spread its sanitary example to the repulsive neighborhood around it, they blame the bandage for the freakin’ wound.”

When officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrolling our fair city on the heels of the criminal element, he is an occasional student at UTC, an up and coming carpenter, auto mechanic, prominent boating enthusiast, and spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center. Follow him on Facebook at www.facebook.com/alexteach

Chattanooga's Weekly Alternative

www.chattanoogapulse.com

April 1, 2010 | Vol. 7, Issue 13 | The Pulse

23

Arts & Entertainment

The World According to Chattacot

By Helene Houses

“What I picture is several hundred Civil War soldiers, dressed just as they were—only with no blood, dirt or missing body parts.

They’ll greet tourists and then engage in a little playful bayonet fighting.”

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The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 13 | April 1, 2010

I

n one of the biggest art projects in the history of Tennessee, a coalition of local visual and performing artists will collaborate to transform downtown Chattanooga into “Chattacot,” an interpretation of the Scenic City if it were part of DisneyWorld’s Epcot.

“I was so inspired by a recent family trip to Orlando, I just had to organize something here in our own little town,” said local arts activist and fabulous gal about town, CyndiLou Whom.

“You see, the Epcot vision of the world is just so real and authentic, down to the lederhosen in the German Pavilion,” enthused Whom. “What I picture is several hundred Civil War soldiers, dressed just as they were—only with no blood, dirt or missing body parts.

They’ll greet tourists and then engage in a little playful bayonet fighting.”

Other parts of downtown will be restored by artistic ingenuity to resemble the era when air was so dirty you couldn’t see your hand in front of your face.

“I’m seeing fog machines. Lots of fog machines,” said the leader of local rock band Re-Eleven.

(For more on this band, see this week’s “Beyond the Headlines.”)

Whom has invited numerous Disney Imagineers to the city to consult with the local workers; however, she notes, she has been careful to specify that they be from Florida, not California.

“I just don’t think that we here in Chattanooga would

really appreciate what those…

Californians…would bring to our community,” she said, wrinkling her nose in obvious distaste and waving a white-gloved hand. “I mean, it’s my understanding that most of them are Democrats.”

The interview then terminated as Whom fainted in a ladylike fashion at this point. An assistant was dispatched to bring her a nice glass of sweet tea.

Chattanooga's Weekly Alternative

A&E Calendar Highlights Friday

Thursday

Mixed Media Performance and visual arts commingle at the Hunter. $14.95 6 p.m.

Hunter Museum, 10 Bluff View.

(423) 987-5141. ensembletheatrechattanooga.org

Send your calendar events to us at calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

AEC Spring Independent Film Series: Fish Tank 1:05, 4:10, 7:05, 10 p.m.

Majestic 12 Theater, 311 Broad St. (423) 826-2370.

“Yesterday, Today, Tommorrow” & “Bold Elegance” Reception 4 p.m. My Color Image Boutique and Art Gallery, 330 Frazier St. (423) 598-6202.

City Share: “A New Approach to Urban Planning” 7 p.m. Create Here, 55 E. Main St. (423) 648-2195.

Junior Baritione Recital 7:30 p.m. Ackerman Auditorium, Southern Adventist University, 4881 Taylor Cir. (423) 236-2814.

Minor Trumpet Ensemble Performance 7:30 p.m. Roland Hayes Concert Hall, UTC Fine Arts Center, 753 Vine St. (423) 425-4269.

“Faces and Things” Opening Reception Local artist Michael Holsomback’s portraits and collages.

5 – 8 p.m.

Asher Love Gallery, 3914 St. Elmo Avenue. (423) 822-0289. asherlovegallery.blogspot.com

Saturday

Fortunes of Warren Reading of Lee Wright’s winning entry in the New Play Festival. $5 8 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Studio Theatre, 400 River Street.

(423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com

Monday Bone Thief Booksigning 6 p.m. Rock Point Books, 401 Broad St. (423) 504-0638. www.rockpointbooks.com Small Ensemble Brass Performance 7:30 p.m. Patten Chapel, UTC, 725 Oak St. (423) 425-4601.

“Speak Easy” Spoken word and poetry 8 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9040. www.mudpierestaurant.com Works by Helen Exum St. Paul’s Episcopal Church, 305 W. 7th St. (423) 266-8794 UTC Arts Department Senior Thesis Exhibition Cress Gallery, 752 Vine St. (423) 304-9789.

“Birds of a Feather” Houston Museum of Arts, 201 High St. (423) 267-7176.

www.chattanoogapulse.com

Earth Dayz 11 a.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mtn, GA. (706) 820-2531.

“Inspired Details from Nature” opening reception 5 p.m. In-Town Gallery, 26A Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9214.

Café Game Night 6 p.m. Pasha Coffeehouse, 3914 St. Elmo Ave. (423) 475-5482.

Photography by Robert Parker Opening Reception 6 p.m. Leo Handmade Gallery, 22 Frazier Ave. (423) 634-0440.

Good Friday Gospel Concert 6:30 p.m. Memorial Auditorim, 399 McCallie Ave. (423) 757-5050.

The Pajama Game 7:30 p.m. Roland Hayes Concert Hall, UTC Fine Arts Center, 753 Vine St. (423) 425-4374.

Mixed Media Theatrical Performance 7:30 p.m. St. Andrews Center Theater, 1918 Union Ave. (423) 987-5141.

Kid Dave Miller 7:30, 10 p.m. The Comedy Catch & Giggles Grille, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com The Primitive Streak 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Circle Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com Fortunes of Warren 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Studio Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com The Mystery of Flight 138 8:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839.

Sunday Earth Dayz 11 a.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mtn, GA. (706) 820-2531.

Mosaic Market 11 a.m. 412 Market St. (corner of 4th/Market) (423) 624-3915.

Mixed Media Theatrical Performance 2 p.m. St. Andrews Center Theater, 1918 Union Ave. (423) 987-5141.

Anime at the Library: Nausicca of the Valley of the Wind 2:30 p.m. Chattanooga-Hamilton Bicentennial Library. 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-5310. www.lib.chattanooga.gov Gallery Opening featuring Jody Harris 6 p.m. Pasha Coffeehouse, 3914 St. Elmo Ave. (423) 475-5482. www.pashacoffeehouse.com

Tuesday Junior Violin Performance 7:30 p.m. Cadek Hall, UTC Fine Arts Center, 615 McCallie.

(423) 425-4601.

Double Brass Ensemble 7:30 p.m. Ackerman Auditorium, Southern Adventist University, 4881 Taylor Cir. (423) 236-2814 “Themes of Identity” Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org “Scenes from a Native Land” Bill Shores Frame and Gallery, 307 Manufacturers Rd. (423) 756-6746.

“One of a Kind” River Gallery, 400 E. Second St. (423) 265-5033.

“Yesterday, Today, Tommorrow” My Color Image Boutique and Art Gallery, 330 Frazier Ave. (423) 598-6202.

Kid Dave Miller 7:30, 10 p.m. The Comedy Catch & Giggles Grille, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com The Pajama Game 7:30 p.m. Roland Hayes Concert Hall, UTC Fine Arts Center, 753 Vine St. (423) 425-4374.

Senior Trumpet Recital 7:30 p.m. Cadek Hall, UTC Fine Arts Center, 615 McCallie.

(423) 425-4601.

The Primitive Streak 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Circle Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com Fortunes of Warren 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Studio Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com

Wednesday Six Strings at Sunset 7:30 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5050. www.chattanoogaonstage.com The Pajama Game 7:30 p.m. Roland Hayes Concert Hall, UTC Fine Arts Center, 753 Vine St. (423) 425-4374.

“Sister City” by Elizabeth Turbergen Association for Visual Arts, 30 Frazier Ave. (423) 265-4282. www.avarts.org “New American Paintings by Mike Holsomback” Asher Love Gallery, 3914 St. Elmo Ave. (423) 822-0289.

Photography by Robert Parker Leo Handmade Gallery, 22 Frazier Ave. (423) 634-0440.

“It’s A Jungle Out There” Lookout Mountain Gallery, 3535 Broad St. (423) 596-6622.

A Prophet (part of AEC’s Independent Film Series) A young, imprisoned man makes his own way in jail, despite a gang’s intimidation.

Majestic Theatre, 215 Broad Street. (423) 265-5220. www.carmike.com

Earth Dayz 11 a.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mtn, GA. (706) 820-2531.

First Free Sundays Noon. Hunter Museum of Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org Mixed Media Theatrical Performance 3 p.m. St. Andrews Center Theater, 1918 Union Ave. (423) 987-5141.

I Cantori Chamber Concert 8 p.m. Ackerman Auditorium, Southern Adventist University, 4881 Taylor Cir. (423) 236-2814.

“Talk Portraiture” Shuptrine Fine Art Group, 2646 Broad St. (423) 266-4453.

“Picture This” North River Civic Center, 1009 Executive Dr. (423) 870-8924.

Editor’s Pick: Featured Event Of The Week The Primitive Streak Top-notch cast and director present the grand prize-winning play in the CTC’s New Play Festival, Hunter Rodgers’s The Primitive Streak.

A crooked politician, an angry young man, star-crossed lovers… what more do you need for dramedy? $15 8 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Circle Stage, 400 River Street.

(423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com

April 1, 2010 | Vol. 7, Issue 13 | The Pulse

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The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 13 | April 1, 2010

Chattanooga's Weekly Alternative

The Pulse • Dining Out Spotlight

Good Food, Good Friends, Good Fun

by Colleen Wade I’ve said before that I love this gig. It’s pretty sweet. I get to go into restaurants and see the inner workings and find out the histories.

Some days I feel more like an archaeologist—digging for the whole story about companies or restaurateurs. So it’s always a pleasure to find people who are so excited about what they’re doing that they are brimming with information. That’s exactly what I was lucky enough to chance upon this week.

On Saturday, I had an appointment with Paul Watson, general manager of Town and Country Inn and Restaurant and Bourbon St. Music Bar on E. 23rd Street. We were scheduled to meet at 1 p.m. while the bar and restaurant were recovering from the latenight fun of Friday. Imagine my surprise when we were joined by Jim Burkett, a chef at the restaurant, and Paul Smith, leader of the house band, Special Moments.

From the moment we walked into the bar, these guys treated me like family. That was my first impression. Next came “Wow! This bar is huge!” Mr. Watson agreed, saying, “It’s the biggest dance club in Chattanooga, the largest floor in Chattanooga, and, of course, the best band in Chattanooga.”

Currently, the bar is open Monday through Thursday from 4 p.m. until midnight and on Friday and Saturday from 4 p.m. until 3 a.m. There is dance night on Tuesday, karaoke on Wednesday and Thursday and the house band, Special Moments, plays Friday and Saturday nights.

However, to steal the words from one of

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Paul Smith’s heroes, Sam Cooke…“a change gonna come, oh yes it will.” A big part of what has these gentlemen so excited is a complete change up in their lounge.

Starting in April (there is no concrete date as yet), the lounge will be changing its daily events. “Monday we’re having what we call alternative night,” explains Mr. Watson, “and we’re going to have drag shows. Then on Tuesdays and Thursdays we’re gonna have Paul [Smith] with karaoke and a little bit of dancing.” Mr. Smith jumped in here, “We have people that teach a dance class down here, and they like to shag and swing—beach music, stuff like that you know. We’re gonna mix that with some karaoke.”

To continue, Mr. Watson says, “Then on Wednesday, we’re gonna have what we call local college bands to come in here.” Friday and Saturday will remain the same with Special Moments playing from 9 p.m.

These aren’t the only changes patrons can expect from Town and Country and Bourbon St. Music Bar. Eventually the actual bar in the bar will be replaced with a horseshoe bar. The restaurant is being remodeled as well. A new seating area is being added to make the restaurant a more comfortable, homey place. Lighting is being lowered and a classical guitarist has been hired to perform.

Mr. Watson and his crew are hoping to create a romantic atmosphere with soft lighting and beautiful music. The hours will remain virtually the same, adding only Sunday brunch from 11 a.m. until 3 p.m. The food will, naturally, still be as mmmmmm-good as always. There will still be $5.99 lunch specials like meatloaf and two sides or chicken and dumplings with two sides.

The dinner menu will still have such favorites as grilled salmon in either a honey glaze or whiskey sauce or a 12-oz. slowroasted hand-carved prime rib. Soups and sauces will continue to be made from scratch.

Much like the music of Special Moments, Town and Country Inn and Restaurant and Bourbon St. Music Bar changes tempo and tune, but the lyrics remain the same—good food, good friends, and good fun.

Town and Country Inn and Restaurant and Bourbon St. Music Bar, 2000 E. 23rd Street. Restaurant hours: 11 a.m. – 9 p.m.

Monday through Friday, 4 p.m. – 9 p.m.

Saturday. www.townandcountryinn.net, (423) 697-0645.

April 1, 2010 | Vol. 7, Issue 13 | The Pulse

27

Spirits Within

By Joshua Hurley

A View On The Wine Wars

Free Will Astrology ARIES (March 21-April 19): I’m worried about your ability to sneak and fake and dissemble.

These skills seem to have atrophied in you. To quote Homer Simpson, “You couldn’t fool your own mother on the foolingest day of your life with an electrified fooling machine!” Please, Aries, jump back into the game-playing, BS-dispensing routine the rest of us are caught up in. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just said was a filthy lie. In fact, I admire the candor and straightforwardness you’ve been cultivating. My only critique is that maybe you could take some of the edge off it. Try telling the raw truth with more relaxed grace.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You’ll probably dream of falling off a cliff, or plunging out of a hot-air balloon, or skydiving without a parachute.

I’m very disappointed in your unconscious mind’s decision to expose yourself to such unpleasant experiences, even if they are pretend. APRIL FOOL! I told you a half-truth. While it is likely that you will dream of diving off a mountaintop or tumbling out of a hot-air balloon or flying through the big sky without a parachute, your unconscious mind has arranged it so that you will land softly and safely in a giant pile of foam padding and feathers next to a waterfall whose roaring flow is singing your name. Despite the apparent inconvenience in the first part of the dream, you will be taken care of by the end.

T

here is a war going on right now. It’s a war fought right here in our home state by lobbyists and wine and spirit store owners over a bill that would allow wine in grocery and smaller type convenience stores.

The lobbyists have labeled their bill a “progressive” one and are even going so far as to publicly call the current wine and spirit laws remnants of the “dark ages of Puritan America”. The bulk of Tennessee wine and spirit laws have not been altered since Prohibition was repealed in the mid 1930’s.

These lobbyists in our state’s legislature make it sound like they’re part of some renaissance—but truth be known, they have been bought and sold in the market place, that market place being Walmart, Costco and Publix, (who started this two years ago when they decided to come to Tennessee). These huge, out-of-state, billion-dollar corporations have deep pockets, but still can’t buy our state legislature, but they may be able to rent it from time to time. Fortunately for two straight years this bill has been defeated. But beware; it comes back up for vote next spring 2011. Do they really believe this is progress?

By putting wine in grocery stores our state government would: • Be sending our money to outof-state corporations • Put some 5,000 employed state residents out of work during the

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The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 13 | April 1, 2010

worst recession since the Depression, since smaller wine and spirit retail stores would probably fold due to loss of wine sales.

• Allow minors easier access to high proof (high alcohol content) wine—some up to 42 proof. Most grocery/department stores hire minors so they can pay them less.

• Allow Walmart to sell us everything—food, clothes, drugs, lawn care, electronics, etc.

But let’s look even closer. What convenience would putting wine into grocery stores really entail for the customer, besides the possibility of a one-stop shop? Have you ever tried to get knowledgeable help from an employee from one of these stores on an item you weren’t sure you wanted to purchase? Didn’t think so. You’re lucky to check out without error. What about selection? What would they carry?

Think about their beer selection… get the picture? How about domestics? So they might carry, say Gallo, Sutter Home, maybe Carlo Rossi. Don’t get me wrong—these are respected wines—just not great ones.

A grocery store can’t carry 100 different chardonnays from eight different countries. Wine might take up half an aisle and no one there would know anything about them, let alone be knowledgeable about food pairings or critical scores.

Leave it to the professionals! Wine is not beer, and should be regulated as tightly as liquor.

Cheers!

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): On the Ghost Hunters TV program, paranormal researchers investigate places that are thought to be haunted by supernatural entities. One commercial for the show urges us, the viewers, to “Get fluent in fear!” That exhortation happens to be perfect advice for you, Gemini. APRIL FOOL! I lied.

This is not at all a good time for you to get fluent in fear. But more than that. It’s actually a momentous time to get un-fluent in fear. You have an unprecedented opportunity to stop casually exposing yourself to anxiety-inducing influences.

You have amazing power to shut down that place in your imagination where you generate your scary fantasies. The conquest of your fears could be at hand!

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Your gambling chakra is conspiring with your inner roughneck to pull a fast one on your dignity chakra and your inner wuss. If they get away with their scheme you may find yourself having ridiculous yet holy fun in high places. And I wouldn’t be surprised if in the course of these hijinks, your spirit guides channeled some holistic karma into the part of your psychic anatomy that we in the consciousness business call your “spiritual orgy button.” APRIL FOOL! Sorry if that sounded a bit esoteric. I was invoking some faux shamanic jargon in the hope of bypassing your rational mind and tricking you into experiencing a fizzy, buoyant altered state, which would be an excellent tonic for both your mental and physical health.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): “I eat pressure for breakfast,” says Leo-born James Cameron, director of Avatar and Titanic, the two highestgrossing films ever made. Like many in your tribe, he has a very high opinion of himself. “Anybody can be a father or a husband,” he told his fourth wife Linda Hamilton. “There are only five people in the world who can do what I do, and I’m going for that.” He’s your role model. APRIL FOOL! I lied. While I do urge you to focus intensely on the quality or talent that’s most special about you, I strongly discourage you from neglecting your more ordinary roles. In Cameron’s case, I’d advise him to start working on his next fantastic project but also spiff up his skills as a husband and father.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Do NOT, under any circumstances, express your anger at the mainstream media by taking a baseball bat into a superstore full of electronic gear and smashing 32 TV sets. Keep it to a minimum of 15 sets, please! APRIL FOOL! I lied. I definitely don’t recommend that you smash any TVs with a baseball bat. However, you do have permission to bash and smash things in your imagination.

In fact I encourage it. Engaging in a fantasy of breaking inanimate objects that symbolize what

By Rob Brezsny

oppresses you will shatter a certain mental block that desperately needs shattering.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): As I studied your astrological data, a curious vision popped into my mind’s eye. I saw a scene of a perky possum in a superhero costume giving you a tray of red jello covered with marshmallows, gumdrops, and chocolate kisses. And I knew immediately that it was a prime metaphor for your destiny right now. APRIL FOOL! I lied, sort of. Your imminent future may feature an unlikely offering from an unexpected source, but that offering will simply be like red jello from a possum—with no superhero costume, and no marshmallows, gumdrops, or chocolate kisses.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): I sincerely hope that 2010 will be the year you stop worshiping Satan for good. Luckily, the coming weeks will be an excellent time to get that worthy project in gear. Despite the odd pleasures your twisted devotion to the Evil One seems to bring you, it actually undermines your ability to get what you want. The ironic fact of the matter is that pure unrepentant selfishness—the kind that Satan celebrates—is the worst possible way to achieve your selfish goals. APRIL FOOL! I know you don’t really worship Satan. I was just hoping to jolt you into considering my real desire for you, which is to achieve your selfish goals by cultivating more unselfishness.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): According to Uncyclopedia.com, Riding the Snake is a book coauthored by Oscar Wilde and Jesus Christ in 1429 B.C. If you can find a copy, I strongly suggest you read it. You could really use some help in taming the unruly kundalini that has been whipping you around. APRIL FOOL! I lied. There is no such ancient book. But that doesn’t change the fact that you’d really benefit from getting more control over your instinctual energy. I’d love to see your libidinous power be more thoroughly harnessed in behalf of your creative expression.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Supermodel Selita Ebanks is your role model. In accordance with the astrological omens, I recommend that you arrange for the kind of special treatment she enjoys as she’s preparing for a runway show. That means getting five stylists to work for hours every day perfecting every aspect of your physical appearance. Please make sure they apply no less than 20 layers of makeup to your butt. APRIL FOOL! I lied. The omens say this is not a good time to obsess on your outer beauty.

They do suggest, however, that attending to your inner beauty would be smart. So please do the equivalent of getting 20 layers of makeup applied to your soul’s butt.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Would it be a wise idea for you to stage your own kidnapping and demand ransom money for your release? Should you appear on a reality TV show that will expose your intimate secrets to millions of viewers? Could you get your spiritual evolution back on track by joining a religious cult? APRIL FOOL! The questions I just posed were terrible! They were irrelevant to the destiny you should be shaping for yourself. But they were provocative, and may therefore be the nudge you need to get smarter about formulating your choices. It has never been more important than it is right now for you to ask yourself good questions.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): It’s an excellent time to demonstrate how strong and brave and indomitable you are. I suggest you carry out some heroic feat, like lying on a bed of nails while someone puts heavy concrete blocks all over your body, then uses a sledgehammer to smash those blocks. APRIL FOOL! What I just said is only half true. While it’s an excellent time to prove your mettle, there are far more constructive ways to do it than lying on a bed of nails. For example, you could try shaking off a bad influence that chronically saps your energy.

Homework: Get in the mood to see your life as a miracle. Listen to this: http://bit.ly/SongGlory

Chattanooga's Weekly Alternative

JONESIN’

By Matt Jones

“Freefallin’”

–take the plunge into random vocab.

dale deason mornings 5:30 - 9 zack cooper and rebecca cruz afternoons 4 - 7

WPLZ 95.3 FM News Talk Radio

Across 1 Word after rubber or brass 5 They eject matter, theoretically 15 Sunburn remedy 16 Make all the same, to a Brit 17 City in central Arizona 18 Reconciliations 19 Canned 20 Gets comfy, perhaps 21 Spanish equivalent of Mmes.

23 Amtrak stop: abbr.

24 Hwy. 25 Doofuses 28 Circus precaution 29 From Sumatra or Timor, old-style 34 Leather shoe, for short 35 “In that case...”

36 As predicted 37 Coup d’___ 39 Athletic supporter?

40 Isolated places 42 Crafty 43 Designation for driver’s licenses 44 Like dog kisses 45 Opposite of NNE 48 Israeli singer Naim

with the 2008 hit “New Soul” 49 Skating show 52 Long stare 56 Logical philosopher 57 Finito 58 Type of job that pays the lowest, usually 59 Cartoon explorer 60 2000 Sting duet with Cheb Mami 61 Spoiled kid Down 1 College football champs 2 Sean’s foil on “Celebrity Jeopardy!”

3 Deviated septum site 4 Unstoppable regarding 5 Comment about the pretentious 6 “It’s ___ hell in here” 7 “Everything’s fine” 8 Vocal qualities 9 Discharge 10 Masters of the Universe leader 11 Cash for strippers 12 They may include lyrics 13 Station wagons, in England 14 Part of a sonnet

22 Diamond stat 25 Opus ___ 26 Ice cream shop option 27 Writing for grades 30 “Fingerprinting” sample 31 Netherlands-based tribunal, for short 32 Black and white bird 33 English city known for coal and beer 34 Hard rock guitar legends, to some 38 Airport screening org.

41 The A of IPA 42 Ran a check card 45 Mythical horn-dog 46 Tipped over 47 Go back and forth 48 Survey answers, sometimes 50 Wax, in French 51 Il ___ (operatic pop group) 53 Company that comes a-calling 54 Number in the Cookie Monster song “They Not Take That Away From Me” 55 Part of QED

©2010 Jonesin’ Crosswords (editor@jonesincrosswords.com) For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle #0461.

www.chattanoogapulse.com

Solution To Last Week’s Puzzle

Never Worry About Losing A Copy Of The Pulse Keep Up Online at www.chattanoogapulse.com April 1, 2010 | Vol. 7, Issue 13 | The Pulse

29

Ask A Mexican!

By Gustavo Arellano

Special Minuteman Project Edition Dear Readers: In honor of April Fools’ Day, I turn this column over to Jim Gilchrist, founder of the Minuteman Project movement, to answer your preguntas. Enjoy!

Dear Mexican, I’m a white, college-educated, liberal, democrat, socialist U.S. citizen. I don’t have any problem with Mexicans coming here to get a good job. In fact, I don’t see the “problem.” From your perspective, why are Republicans and redneck dickheads so into building that big fence on the border? I guess what I mean is: if there are so many “illegal” Mexican immigrants in the US, what’s stopping them from becoming “legal?” Is it really a question of attaining citizenship, or is it just plain ol’ ignant racism?

— Taco Lover in Houston Jim’s Response: Immigrants are not a problem, as long as their presence here is legal and within the realm of a responsible immigration policy. Immigration should be of a prescribed numbers of persons with vocational skills needed to continue the US as an economic powerhouse with a healthy middle class. An immigrant’s integrity and moral character are also necessary to continue our nation as a civilized nation governed by the rules of law.

In light of the irresponsible attitudes of many of our political governors regarding national security and enforcing US immigration laws, a towering border fence is an appealing solution. If our bureaucrats doubled the funding of the Border Patrol and ICE, there would be little need for an international fence except in the most remote areas. To grant citizenship or legal status to illegal aliens would mean we are no longer a nation of laws, but

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The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 13 | April 1, 2010

a nation governed by mob rule— something anathema to a civilized society.

Sadly, there is an element of racial supremacy feeding some immigration law enforcement advocacy groups. In my opinion, William Gheen’s ALIPAC, Jeff Schwilk’s San Diego Minutemen, and the California Coalition for Immigration Reform appear to be the more abusive groups hiding behind the mantra of “immigration law enforcement” to veil sinister agendas of fascism and/or racism. These groups are no better than the Black Panthers, Brown Berets, Asian gangs, Jewish Defense League, and similar hate groups.

Dear Mexican, I traveled to Juarez to see the Real Mexico, and boy was I disappointed.

Not a single man in white pajamas with his donkey leaning against a cactus. No women with a basket of fruit on their head. To show how I loved their culture, I mentioned Speedy Gonzales and the Frito Bandito, but people looked at me funny. No one accosted me on the street with, “Hey Meestair: for ten bucks you can f**k my mother—she’s a virgin.” Where do I go for a taste of the Real Mexico?

— Titillated Tourist Jim’s Response: There are no men in white pajamas leaning against a cactus or women carrying fruit baskets in Juarez because most of them are dead— shot to death in drug cartel battles, abducted and held for ransom, or

exploited as sex slaves (then murdered anyway) by criminal cartels. That is the Mexico that appears so prominent in the news today.

My advice to you, young man, is to stay out of Mexico until Presidente Calderon completes his mission of exterminating the criminal cartels that have plundered Mexico, its people, and its infrastructure for the past 50 years. Calderon is an admirable and courageous leader of Mexico. He’s the first Mexican president to accept the challenge of tackling the criminal cartels by the horns and wrestling them to the ground. Calderon’s vision is to create a “Mexican Dream” in Mexico, similar to the American Dream we experience here. Because criminal cartels operate transnationally, it is paramount that the United States and Mexican law enforcement and military forces work jointly to eradicate the criminal menaces that have severely harmed both countries.

If you want a “real taste” of Mexico, rather than the suicidal taste of blood in your mouth, then hang out in East L.A. until the joint efforts of U.S. and Mexican law enforcement restore Mexico to an attractive and safe place to visit.

“I traveled to Juarez to see the Real Mexico, and boy was I disappointed.

Not a single man in white pajamas with his donkey leaning against a cactus.”

Ask the Mexican at themexican@ askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, youtube.com/ askamexicano, find him on, Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815.

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