Chattanooga’s Weekly Alternative
Crime in Chattanooga
Alex Teach takes a look at perception vs reality.
FREE • News, Views, Music, Film, Arts & Entertainment • August 12, 2010 • Volume 7, Issue 32 • www.chattanoogapulse.com
President Jim Brewer, II Publisher Zachary Cooper Contributing Editor Janis Hashe News Editor / Art Director Gary Poole Advertising Manager Rhonda Rollins Advertising Sales Rick Leavell, Townes Webb Graphic Design Jennifer Grelier Staff Photographer Louis Lee Photography Intern Corinne Oglesby Contributing Writers Gustavo Arellano, Rob Brezsny, Chuck Crowder, Rebecca Cruz John DeVore, Helene Houses Hellcat, Joshua Hurley Matt Jones, Ernie Paik Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D. Gary Poole, Alex Teach Editorial Cartoonist Rick Baldwin Calendar Editors Bryanna Burns, Josh Lang Editorial Assistant Sean Lee Contact Info: Phone (423) 265-9494 Fax (423) 266-2335 Email Inquiries info@chattanoogapulse.com Calendar Submissions calendar@chattanoogapulse.com The Pulse is published weekly and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publishers may take more than one copy per weekly issue. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors.
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Chattanooga’s Weekly Alternative
AL TE se NU TA RTS Pul AN E S A he E T TH TH in F k
AUGUST
10 CRIME IN CHATTANOOGA By Alex Teach “Crime in Chattanooga, Teach. Tell us what you know. Omit nothing,” my editor said. Jesus. It was 103 Fahrenheit outside the glass of my Crown Vic and no better than 91 degrees inside on an election week, and we want to objectively talk about crime. “No problem, chief. I’m a freakin’ expert. I fight crime. I eat crime. I smell like crime.”
feature stories 14 HOW TO MAKE A BAND By Hellcat Many people ask me how to book shows or to book shows for them. I have had a lot of experience in this arena, and would say I am a pretty credible source.
20 STORMTROOPERS IN SEQUINS By Helene Houses Few musicals have the long and checkered history of The Producers. Its saga began with the 1968 Mel Brooks film of the same name, now regarded as a classic. It starred the immortal Zero Mostel, Gene Wilder and the now largely forgotten but brilliant Dick Shawn.
24 GOOD COP, FUNNY COP By John DeVore In my last review, I mentioned some actors whose mere presence immediately distracts from the rest of the film. Will Ferrell could be the poster boy for this phenomenon, especially when he is part of a comedy. Ferrell is very seldom unfunny.
news & views 5 6 8 23 27 30
PULSE BEATS BEYOND THE HEADLINES SHRINK RAP LIFE IN THE NOOG ON THE BEAT ASK A MEXICAN
everything else 4 4 7 7 15 16 21 25 28 28 29
EDITOON LETTERS TO THE EDITOR POLICE BLOTTER THE LIST NEW MUSIC REVIEWS MUSIC CALENDAR A&E CALENDAR NEW IN THEATERS FREE WILL ASTROLOGY SPIRITS WITHIN JONESIN’ CROSSWORD
Letters to the Editor East Ridge Financial Fun The joke’s on East Ridge! I remember reading an East Ridge citizen’s comments right before we had our property taxes raised in Chattanooga, bragging about their low property taxes. Well it turns out the joke is on you East Ridgers, because your city government is probably going to have to be dissolved and annexed by the city of Chattanooga to pay for this! Amos Root The Saints Go Marching On Great article! [Hardworking Saints] I’m a huge fan of the Saints and consider the members to be good friends of mine. In fact, I went to preschool with Jeff! Ha! Anyway, their album is “Infection”, not “Infraction”. Otherwise, great article! Janie Parks Editor’s note: We apologize for the error in the name of the album. We wish the absolute best of luck to the members of Cadillac Saints and all their many fans. Congrats To A Good Officer Officer Penny should be commended for going beyond the call of duty. [Police Blotter]
It is good to see there are still good people out there. With all the negative press on officers anymore, it is nice to see something written that uplifts. Wade Hinkle Mourning The Loss Of A Radio Favorite The news of Parker Smith’s passing is sad indeed. He had such unlimited talent that barely had begun to get its wings of genius and to finally set his place in uniqueness. Forty-seven years was not enough time to see his genius finally evolve and for him to claim his unique place in people’s hearts. God bless his memory, his family and his friends. I am so glad I knew Parker Smith. He gave me unconditional respect as a man and as a minister—what a surprise. Eugene Coleman, Sr I had not talked to Parker Smith in a long time. I spent over 20 years in the Chattanooga radio scene working with Parker a couple of times as well as a competitor. One thing is for certain, whether you loved him or hated him on the radio, you could not help but to be entertained. All things considered, I have lost a good friend and the people of Chattanooga
have lost a great talent. John Thomas I can honestly say Parker Smith was the one person who not only “had a life” but embraced it more than anyone I’ve ever known. He was not only a great talent, but a very intelligent man who had an extremely fun and unique way to usher joy and laughter into some otherwise dull lives! I truly will miss my friend. Lysa Aisnworth
Send all letters to the editor and questions to info@chattanoogapulse.com We reserve the right to edit letters for content and space. Please include your full name, city and contact information.
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The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 32 | August 12, 2010 | www.chattanoogapulse.com
Pulse Beats
Quote Of The Week:
A rundown of the newsy, the notable, and the notorious...
“I guess we’ll have to live with it, at least for a year. It may work out good, I hope it does, but I’ve got concerns.” —Chattooga County School Board Chairman William Anderson, after the board narrowly approved a four-day school week for students, which began this week.
City R&D Explores New Transportation On August 21, Chattanooga will play a part in City R&D, a national project sponsored by Los Angeles-based GOOD Magazine and inspired by Chattanooga’s rich history of civic innovation. Chattanooga’s City R&D event is an all-day charrette composed of local multi-disciplinary professionals, civic leaders, and stakeholders gathering to tackle challenges associated with the city’s urban, built environment. The end-goal is reinvention and development (R and D)—specifically, a new way of thinking about multimodal transportation in Chattanooga and the issue of connectivity between areas of commerce and culture. With the addition of industry to the city, Chattanooga will soon face a new set of environmental challenges. In consideration of new jobs, City R&D will address multimodal transportation between downtown Chattanooga and Enterprise South, an issue that has been the topic of many local conversations. In May of this year, Josh McManus, co-founder and creative strategist at CreateHere, applied for City R&D. “Because of the timeliness of this opportunity, the question City R&D will answer for Chattanooga is one of connectivity,” he said. “How can we connect the downtown urban core with this rapidly emerging industry center of Enterprise South in a way that capitalizes on the rich history and environmental assets of our area?” This question has attracted the attention of many organizations and local figures, providing City R&D with partnerships in Chattanooga and beyond. CreateHere’s partners include AIGA, The American Institute of Architects, The Benwood Foundation, the Chattanooga Area Chamber of Commerce, Chattanooga-Hamilton County Regional Planning Association, The City of Chattanooga, Hamilton County, and The Lyndhurst Foundation. “City R&D is an important opportunity to stimulate growth
both economically and culturally,” said Councilman Peter Murphy, one of the many city leaders participating in the August 21 event. “With new growth, Chattanooga is going to see opportunities that didn’t exist before. Those opportunities will stimulate new interaction and relationship-building between diverse people and groups.” By the end of City R&D, participating parties will have explored existing and emerging ideas for multimodal transportation between downtown Chattanooga and Enterprise South in the form of a map depicting personal, professional, and environmental assets. This map will help facilitate powerful new partnerships. The City R&D summit will require its strong coalition of diverse participants to go the extra mile in establishing actions (not plans) that correspond to the multimodal transportation challenge. “Reinvention and development are vital,” says Josh McManus, “but implementation is just as crucial.”
Recall Campaign Is Heating Up What was once seen as a longshot is coming a lot closer to reality, as the campaign to recall Chattanooga Mayor Ron Littlefield continues to pick up steam. Members of Citizens to Recall Ron Littlefield, Chattanooga Organized for Action, and the Chattanooga Tea Party have submitted 6,000 signatures collected on the recall petitions to the Hamilton County Election Commission for review and certification. Senior organizer Chris Brooks said the groups collected more than 2,000 signatures in just the past week, after having volunteers at nearly every voting precinct last Thursday. According to the Brooks, the Election Commission has confirmed that 9,000 signatures of registered city voters are needed to remove the mayor from office. The groups are also beginning formal campaigns to recall City Council Chairman Manuel Rico and City Council member Jack Benson. Election Commission Administrator Charlotte Mullis-Morgan explains that if the recall campaign is successful, Mayor Littlefield would remain in office until the November general election, at which point there would be a new election held to serve out the remainder of his current term. Littlefield would be eligible to run for the mayoral seat, if this comes to pass.
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Beyond The Headlines
There Are Hurdles in Baseball T
By Rebecca Cruz
“After all, there are plenty of empty ball fields, recreation centers, and parks around town. How hard can it be?”
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he goal to expand the Babe Ruth/Cal Ripken Youth Baseball League seemed fairly simple when I started this process a few months ago: Establish communitywide support and identify facilities available to expand an already-working program. The Babe Ruth/Cal Ripken League has enhanced, even completely transformed, the lives of countless teenagers since its inception just a few years ago. It’s a brilliantly simple way to team up positive male role models with teenage boys who could use some guidance. The players are not only learning the fundamentals of baseball, they’re learning life lessons, including respect, diligence, hard work, racial relations, building confidence in themselves and others, and, frankly, having a great time doing it. This was just the kind of program that would give kids positive ways to spend their free time. The discovery of the tremendous hurdles we’ll have to get over in order to expand this worthwhile program have been, well, more than a little overwhelming at times. For example, I knew from the get-go that
The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 32 | August 12, 2010 | www.chattanoogapulse.com
establishing a permanent ball field and/or other facility for the kids to practice and play games in was a top priority. The teams have been playing on Tyner’s fields for some time. While they are grateful to have it, the coaches also realize the field has its issues. Coaches must maintain the field themselves. This may not seem like much, but, after watching Coach Keith Landecker, it was apparent to me that this, by itself, was a fulltime job. When Coach Landecker wasn’t working his fulltime job at WJTT Power 94, he was usually found working the ball field, prepping for practice or a game—all before picking up players and bringing them to the field for practice or game. “Get the easy one out of the way first,” I recall thinking to myself at the beginning of this process. “After all, there are plenty of empty ball fields, recreation centers, and parks around town. How hard can it be?” As it turns out, the answer to that question was, “very, very hard.” Apparently, the coaches have already been turned away after requesting use of not just one, not just a few, but countless ball fields across the Tennessee Valley. I encountered many of the same hurdles as I began asking about the possibility of using facilities around town. For example, empty school lots are the property of the school, which is property of the school system, which means red tape, legal issues, and, who’s in charge, anyway? Recreation centers and parks within city limits are maintained by Chattanooga Parks and Recreation Department. Apparently, the department lacks the budget and employees needed to be able to extend hours and/or work, so, assisting in the maintenance of a ball field or extending hours at a recreation center is out
of the picture, at least for now. Now, with the hurdles encountered along the way, we’ve also discovered some promising opportunities, the most exciting of these being a possible partnership with a committee trying to save historic Engel Stadium. The group of involved community members ranges from elected officials to local businessmen to county employees. Not only is this group working furiously to save our now 80-yearold landmark, but a big part of their goal is to ensure the stadium will be utilized by, and benefit, our community. “What better way to reach that goal than to host youth baseball games like the ones played by the Babe Ruth/ Cal Ripken League?” I immediately thought to myself, when I discovered this wonderful effort. When I imagine, a few years from now, Engel Stadium, renovated and full of parents and friends and baseball fans, and young players strolling out onto the same field that some of the greatest baseball players in history have also played on—well, it just makes all the work on the front-end worthwhile. Of course, we still have a long way to go, and a lot to accomplish before we can consider our efforts a success. The Engel Stadium Foundation needs a lot of support, and so do we. Money, of course, will be a huge issue, as well as unwavering commitment from this community. We plan to press forward until we achieve both. If you would like more information about the Babe Ruth/Cal Ripken Baseball League project or the Historic Engel Stadium Foundation, please contact Rebecca Cruz, at rebecca@brewermediamroup.com. For more on Stand & Deliver, visity safetychattanoogastand.org
A weekly roundup of the newsworthy, notable and often head-scratching stories gleaned from police reports from the Chattanooga Police Department, the Hamilton County Sheriff’s Office, the Bradley County Sheriff’s Department and the Dalton Police Department.
out who actually owned the house. No word on what exactly set the woman off. • How many times can one man have his wallet stolen? Police are still trying to figure out the answer to that question. A Gardner Street man called officers once again complaining of a stolen wallet. The officers said the man has filed the same claim multiple times, but it turns out that the man in question merely gets intoxicated and forgets where he left his wallet.
• It was a hairy situation at a Market Street market. A bandit grabbed five wigs from a display near the front of the store. Before employees could react, the man ran off with the purloined hairpieces and leapt into a waiting van.
• If you are going to make a public spectacle of yourself to the point where your neighbors call the police, you might want to rethink the location of your tantrum. An East Ridge woman throwing a temper tantrum in her front yard led to the discovery of a meth lab inside. Neighbors called police to report the strange activity, but when officers arrived, the woman was already gone. However, while looking around the yard, officers found various items used in making meth. They secured a search warrant and found even more meth-making items inside. The home on Connell Street was quarantined for decontamination, while officers sorted
• If you are a criminal, get observed in the act, and try to hide from police… hiding under a bed is really not a very effective plan. Yet that’s just what one rather hapless car burglar tried to do last week. An undercover East Ridge police officer working a detail near a popular Southern-style restaurant on Ringgold Road noticed a man breaking into a car in the parking lot. He gave chase as the man tried to flee by running into a nearby motel. However, he was easily captured when officers checked the room he fled into and found him hiding under the bed. A number of stolen items were recovered in the room and returned to the vehicle owner. The man was charged
The List Eights Wonders Of The Chattanooga Region 1. Rock City Gardens 2. Tennessee Aquarium 3. Ruby Falls 4. Alan Gold’s 5. Chickamauga Battlefield
with burglary of an auto, theft over $500, evading arrest (though not very well), and vandalism.
6. International Towing & Recovery Museum 7. Walnut Street Bridge
• Family living relationships can often be a bit complex, but this one has all the hallmarks of a Jerry Springer episode. A woman living on Shallowford Road called police and asked for assistance in removing her ex-husband from the house. They had been living together, but the woman said he had become intoxicated and belligerent and she wanted him out. When officers arrived, she informed them that her son could give the ex-husband a ride around the corner…to where his current wife lives.
8. Red Bank City Commission Meetings Last week we presented the original list with the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. This week we look at the wonders right here in our hometown. Some are well known, some are more for entertainment, and some are a combination of both (with a bit of high theater thrown in).
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Shrink Rap
By Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D
Random Acts of Kindness 2010
“One couple who came to these dinners every year eventually got off the streets, and years later they came back to our home to let us know what had evolved from that simple act of ‘breaking bread’.” Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga, and the author of “Empowering the Tribe” and “The Power of a Partner.” Visit his new wellness center, Well Nest, at www. WellNestChattanooga.com, and his web site at www.DrRPH.com
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Dear Readers, Periodically I’ve put out a call to hear about your random acts of kindness. And you’ve responded with some great stories! Statistics show that a minimum of three people benefit from these acts: the person doing the act, the recipient of the act, and anyone witnessing the act. I believe this is how the good stuff in life gets paid forward, and it’s a true measure of our heart and humanity when we help others compassionately, with no regard for payback—payback comes in the form of feeling good. So here’s another installment of what’s becoming an annual tradition in this column, where you’ll find ideas for creative acts that could benefit your neighbors, teach your children, improve co-workers’ morale, and produce life-transforming benefits…some you might even hear about someday. 1. “When I go out dining I always pay attention to my server. I look for something nice to say about them to the restaurant manager before I leave. Many times we are quick to complain but slow to compliment.” (Julie, North Chatt) 2. “While driving up north to visit my family I have to pass through toll booths. I make sure to pick the ‘pay cash’ lane, and I pay for myself as well as the car behind me. I don’t often get to see how that driver reacts, but the toll booth worker always gives me a big smile.” (David, Jacksonville, FL) 3. “Once or twice a year I buy new clothes— jackets, shoes, gloves, shirts, whatever. If it’s something ‘extra,’ I make a point to donate the item it’s replacing. For example, if I buy a winter jacket and already have one, then I take the jacket I already own and bring it to a shelter. This idea can be applied to many other
The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 32 | August 12, 2010 | www.chattanoogapulse.com
‘extra items’ as well.” (Martha, Chattanooga) 4. “When my partner and I lived in Los Angeles, we would have Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners for the homeless at our house the day before each holiday. You never knew who would come or how many—some years we had 20 and some years we had up to 80 people. I would go around to thrift stores and purchase clothing and get food from the local food pantry for them to take away with them. It’s great to know what follows an act of kindness but usually you’ll never know. However, one couple who came to these dinners every year eventually got off the streets, found successful jobs, bought a home, and years later they came back to our home to let us know what had evolved from that simple act of ‘breaking bread.’ And on that visit they brought bags of clothing and food for us to hand out.” (Dan and Bill, Boston) 5. “I have a garden and have had one for many years. I always plant more than I need and leave bags of veggies on neighbors’ steps in my neighborhood.” (anonymous) 6. “When I go grocery shopping, I leave coupons all throughout the store near the corresponding items in case someone can use them.” (anonymous) 7. “While in the military stationed outside of Seattle, I’d kept a bunch of old sweatshirts and decided to cut them up and make blankets with them. I eventually got two of my fellow G.I.s to do the same, then more and more people joined in. By Christmas, we had enough blankets to go to the nursing home and find out from the staff which residents had no family. We’d leave our blankets giftwrapped under the tree in the lobby with those residents’ names on them. Last year I taught my own kids how to continue the tradition.”
(Terry, Atlanta) 8. “When my little nephew visits and we take my dogs for a walk in the neighborhood I always carry a bag to pick up any doggy mess and give my nephew a bag to pick up trash that we find in yards along the way. He doesn’t always like it, but I feel he’s learning about acts of kindness and helping others.” (Rory, East Ridge) 9. “I grew up in a rural New England area, and my parents had us kids pick one day out of our weekends to help a neighbor. Some weekends we’d help hay a field or put wood in a cellar or pick strawberries or mow our nana’s lawns. The list was endless, but every weekend we didn’t know who we’d help and neither did the neighbors, so it was always a surprise when three little helpers came knocking on their door.” (Shane, Lowell, MA) 10. “My friend and I were at a zoo on a hot day and she was walking around with an iced coffee. One of the employees commented on how good the iced coffee looked. So my friend went around the corner, bought an iced coffee for the employee, and tracked her down to give it to her. Later that week I did something similar (with a cup of tea) for the grumpiest person in my office. That person paid it forward the next day with coffee for the UPS man. We’ve started something good here!” (Betty, Los Angeles) I hope reading these have had a positive effect on you, and perhaps you’ll find your own creative ways to “pay it forward.” Drop me a note and tell me about it, and we’ll keep the “good stuff ” going! Until next time: “A high station in life is earned by the gallantry with which appalling experiences are survived with grace.” — Tennessee Williams
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Cover Story
Crime in Chattanooga By Alex Teach
“Sin, Sin, Sin! You’re all Sinners! You’re all goin’ to a painful, everlasting, fiery Hell.” — Rob Zombie, Sinners Inc.
“Crime in Chattanooga, Teach. Tell us
what you know. Omit nothing,” my editor said. Jesus. It was 103 Fahrenheit outside the glass of my Crown Vic and no better than 91 degrees inside on an election week, and we want to objectively talk about crime. “No problem, chief. I’m a freakin’ expert. I fight crime. I eat crime. I smell like crime.” And that was the truth: I stunk like a hidden corpse wrapped in a bad lie in the closet of a pedophile’s hot basement apartment. Nasty. (It’s HOT, man.) 10
The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 32 | August 12, 2010 | www.chattanoogapulse.com
I knew what my bosses wanted: The inside dirt. The skinny on the perceived slowly crumbling cookie that was “Chattanooga” from a firsthand perspective, and I was ready to give it…but as an observer and not a reporter (literally—not professionally). I knew it wouldn’t be what was expected though because despite all the hype to the contrary…Chattanooga’s cookie is not, in fact, crumbling. It’s a little milk-soaked, at worst. Let’s get some basics covered. The FBI is tasked with collecting crime statistics from more than 17,000 domestic lawenforcement agencies annually, nine types specifically: Murder, Rape, Robbery, Felony Assault, Property Crimes, Burglaries, Larceny/Theft, Auto Theft, and Arson. I, however, was taught by a very old cop a very long time ago that there are only two “real” types of crime that foster all those listed above: Drugs, and Love Gone Bad.
Cover Story “Drugs are a business in which the closest thing to overdraft protection you have is hopeful advancements in modern trauma surgery to resolve your dispute with bullets from a cheap Lorcin pistol.” And to his credit (God rest his soul), to this day there hasn’t been a crime I’ve worked that I couldn’t trace directly back to one of those two issues. I won’t cover all the Uniform Crime Reports in this article, but I’ll make up for it by adding an extra in the form of Gangs, later. (Yes. I said, “Gangs”.) Before I proceed though, allow me to clear something up about the usual “OMG Run For The Bunker” reports. These generic “crime” columns generally come out around the time the FBI publishes its Uniform Crime Report statistics, or the assholes at Morgan Quitno spoon out their latest serving of tripe for the average press to aspirate, then regurgitate upon a scared populace which didn’t realize it had a zip code in Fallujah until the good people at CQ Press informed them of such. (Thanks, guys; little old ladies would otherwise live without fear, were it not for your half-assed deductions.) You see, these reports contain “numbers” and “statistics”, even (God have mercy) bar graphs and pie charts; this makes them simply irresistible to news directors and editors, just as a dog is powerless to resist antifreeze and an insect an ultraviolet bug zapper. (Rules of Thumb: If you want a cop to buy it, cover it in black nylon and Velcro; but if you want the media to buy it, stick numbers and a bar graph on it and that’ll make it indisputable.) Therefore, the stories you get on crime in “your” city are based on the computations of someone else (such as the husband-and-wife team of Morgan Quitno in Kansas) from some other part of the country mixed with the occasional “Local Man or Woman On The Street On The Way To Lunch” 10-second sound bite to give it credibility, and no question of its accuracy. I, on the other hand, can give you a report on “Crime in Chattanooga” based not on pages of numbers someone else wrote, but rather from a front-row seat to the greatest show in town.
Murder and rape are the obvious worst of them, but are also rare in Chattanooga, given its local and transient (out-of-state workers and passers-through) population. There are parts of town you are, in fact, more likely to be killed or raped in, but generally not by random acts while you are just walking along a sidewalk, as an example. Criminals, however, need places to live too, and there are simply parts of town that are more conducive to their lifestyles and therefore where they conduct their business. They go where the rent is cheap and their clients are plentiful, and that makes those neighborhoods more dangerous, period. For this notoriety, I name East Chattanooga as top on that personal list because it and its surrounding neighborhoods seem to have the highest concentration of violent, drug-related offenders. Eastdale is running a fierce second place, but East Chattanooga is still the king for now. Drugs constitute the bulk of crime in this town since people will burglarize, steal, and fight for them (and are most likely to murder for or because of them specifically), but when you are involved in a business in which the closest thing to overdraft protection you have is hopeful advancements in modern trauma surgery to resolve your dispute with bullets from a cheap Lorcin pistol, it’s a risk you’re willing to take. Drugs and murder affect all parts of town, but East Chattanooga tends to be the strongest leader in this field. (Maybe next year, Eastdale.) Assaults occur everywhere in the city and no one really has the market cornered on them, but that’s to be expected since assaults went from being documented when someone “had their ass whipped” to being documented when someone was “really, especially mean spirited”, as in the case of Mayor Glasscock in Red Bank whipping one of their cop’s asses by, www.chattanoogapulse.com | August 12, 2010 | Vol. 7, Issue 32 | The Pulse
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Cover Story “…our streets are not a war zone being fought over by post-apocalyptic factions seeking control of our freshwater resources and tourist attractions, or whatever the hell it is this town brings to the table.” apparently, poking his finger at him. The highest concentrations of real assaults in Chattanooga, however, tend to be in the East Lake part of town. It is not a coincidence that this is where the largest concentration of intoxicated people are, also, but after years of working in the area I have a difficult time blaming them. The increase in auto thefts and auto burglaries in town—Hixson, specifically—I would lay squarely at the feet of the economy. Vehicles and their parts are worth a fortune when parted out, and the advent of expensive GPS devices being displayed openly on dashes for the taking doesn’t help. People have less money and finances are often commensurate to moral flexibility in purchasing, particularly with such bloated prices as auto repair. But do you want to know the part of town with the highest concentration of crime? The big glowing red dot on the crime map? Take a guess. Highland Park? Alton Park? The aforementioned East Chattanooga with its Harriet Tubman and Woodlawn’s housing developments? Hah. Try Gunbarrel Road in East Brainerd. Thanks to Hamilton Place mall and the thousand satellite stores surrounding it in such tight concentration, the Gunbarrel Road area has as many petty (and grand) thefts as there are teardrops in my pillow… and I compare the tears in my pillow to grains of sand on the beach. Funny how that works. (The highest concentration of crime bit, not my crying.) Most people wouldn’t hesitate to walk down the side of that road wearing gold necklaces and holding their child’s hand with their purses slung behind then, not under their arm or in front (take note, ladies and crossdressing men), but the same folks would consider suicide before walking through the East Lake Courts in the same fashion… yet according to outside sources, Hamilton Place is the gate to UCR Hell. I will admit to some bias because I work the districts locals have historically feared the most, in East Chattanooga, Eastdale,
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The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 32 | August 12, 2010 | www.chattanoogapulse.com
and East Lake (the directional reference is just a coincidence…I hope) and I trained largely in Alton Park. Neighborhoods where it seems reasonable to walk a dog with a broken leg, or to wave at your neighbor as he wheels a brand-new lawnmower into his storage shed, then break into said building and steal it from him later that night. Or reasonable to shoot you in cold blood for a drug transaction you fell short on. Sound overly dramatic? It is…but I also see the sides of these “dangerous” neighborhoods you do not. Children still ride bicycles down the street and play in yards, and people still enjoy spending the evening on the porch (selling the occasional unlicensed hot fish sandwiches to the neighborhood). Places where crime-scene tape drifts like streamers from a maypole on the street signs, but the residents still wave at you and thank you “for all that you do.” And that’s why I work these neighborhoods, by the way; not for ego gratification, but because the people there need our help the most. I have access to the crime numbers I referenced earlier, but so do you. They are a tool, no doubt, but usually only for the use of political gain by those trying to gain higher office when the numbers are low, or the unseating of those same politicians by upstarts when the numbers are high. No. No numbers in this column, or they won’t be its basis anyway. You just need answers about crime in Chattanooga; such a simple request, yet administrators and politicians seem to be pants-shitting scared to tell you for fear of it generating additional questions they are equally unhappy to have to answer. As of this writing, there was a shooting and a stabbing in the city limits just last night in Brainerd and East Lake respectively. Do you instantly feel less safe on some level? Of course you do; I just gave you raw, bare data like the UCR reports. But should you feel less safe? Of course not.
Cover Story A drunken man and was confronted by his drunken ex-girlfriend in a bar on Rossville Boulevard. Love, as it does so often, went bad and his ex ol’lady cut him. She went to jail, he went to the hospital. How does that mean “this town is going to Hell?” As for the shooting? Someone apparently tried to rob a biker bar late on a Friday night, and an employee was shot in the hand in the process. Think on this: A bar that caters to criminals (these are “real” bikers, not the mid-life crisis folks that buy $25,000 rides to feel “dangerous”) is robbed by another criminal. How should this make you feel more nervous about walking outside to check your mailbox? Unless you live next to a “real” biker bar, that is? These things may not happen every day, but they happen with statistical predictability and our streets are not a war zone being fought over by post-apocalyptic factions seeking control of our freshwater resources and tourist attractions, or whatever the hell it is this town brings to the table. Fear sells, folks, and people that are frightened will buy scare-stories in bulk. Ever heard the phrase, “If it bleeds, it leads”? Not a myth. You just need to have some perspective, as I’ve tried to illustrate with the above examples, before you can have a realistic conversation on the subject. And equally important is an honest, frank dialogue with our leaders, but that is obviously still a work in progress…which brings me to my final topic on crime in Chattanooga. I am a cop. If any of you are wondering: When young black or white men gather in groups in parks, wearing like-colored clothing and shooting pistols towards one another…it’s OK to go ahead and call it “Gang Related”. All us cops do, and have been doing so for years. Let the chips fall where they may on that one; they might not have
had a signed and notarized statement from the youths, but sometimes you just have to call a cigar a cigar. In March of this year, Mayor Littlefield and then-Chief Cooper stood before the residents of the North Shore and told them they felt they (the mayor and the chief) were indelibly stupid; not literally, of course, but by letting the uniform Police Information Officer mention it being a gang-related shooting in Coolidge Park the night before, then 24 hours later correcting that to say it was actually a cell phone and Facebook “flash mob” problem. You formed the same three words I did, no doubt: Are You Serious? Three things happened after that to show progress was made, though: The then-chief became a then-chief, citizens have begun an incredibly active campaign to recall the now-mayor, and the first thing out of the new-chief ’s mouth was, “Yes…we have a gang problem.” As we say in police work: I think they’ve gotten the memo in regards to the real crime issues in Chattanooga. (Well, the new-chief has anyway.) These gangs evolve, and include more than inner-city African American and Latino communities, too. Anyone remember the “Middle Valley Mafia”? Disenfranchised
white kids from middle-class neighborhoods wearing yellow T-shirts in the late 1990s, calling petty thefts and selling weed “gangsta”? I worked the crime scene at Big Lots where they came to a murderous close, and in the coming year saw the beginning trickle of M.S. 13 graffiti start to appear. Don’t get silly with that now: When you look outside, even in my parts of town you will not see anything like the movie Colors or Scarface taking place, but you will see children from ages 8 to 28 without positive role models (or families at all) seeking instinctual comfort, safety, and acceptance from one another to fill the void at home…and that, in my professional experience, is the cause of negative gang activity. And that, in the same experience, is something the police department cannot fix. Chattanooga has a true talent for staying ahead of the gang-curve and observes, contacts, documents, and arrests them in numbers you wouldn’t believe before they can grow. It’s OK to admit gangs exist; they always have, because denial and word games exacerbate the problem as much as the shootings themselves do in some ways. But at the end of the day, we can document, verify, validate, suppress and arrest these gang members, but we cannot enter their homes and force their parents and guardians to take an active role in their lives. For all that is laid at our feet…I would ask you take that one thing back. Let me end this by saying that I started this career in Brainerd when it was safe, and worked downtown when it was not. Folks, Chattanooga has crime, but I can say as a resident and a worker that we do not live in fear. And when I talk to you about crime in Chattanooga, remember that I can do one thing an out-of-state analyst cannot: I stake my life on it. I enjoyed this and I hope you did too. See you out there…safely.
www.chattanoogapulse.com | August 12, 2010 | Vol. 7, Issue 32 | The Pulse
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Music Feature
By Hellcat
How to Make a Band M
any people ask me how to book shows or to book shows for them. I have had a lot of experience in this arena, and would say I am a pretty credible source. However, since I have been booking shows less and less, and focusing more on my career, I will share some tips with all of you local and aspiring musicians. As I am contemplating putting this “Hellcat” business to bed altogether in the not-so-distant future, perhaps you can use this article as a reference. Here are the steps, in my opinion, of having a successful band: 1. Talent. Have it. If you have it, hone it. If the art doesn’t come naturally to you, practice makes perfect. Whatever instrument or instruments you choose, make sure you are masterful in your own craft before involving other people. 2. Band mates. When choosing your band mates, be honest with yourself and your potential partners. Just because they are your friends doesn’t mean that they are good enough to jam with you, and sometimes the truth hurts. If they are your existing friends, band drama may leave you friendless if the band breaks up. However, existing friends are generally easier to mesh with than strangers or someone with whom you have nothing in common.
3. Genre. Discuss what direction you want to go in and what sound you want to obtain. Make sure that everyone agrees and is clear on this element. 4. Delegate. I suggest that in the initial forming of the band, you give each member a role to play, so that no one feels like it is a one-man show, and it doesn’t overwhelm the poor guy that gets stuck doing everything. If writing songs is a one-man job in your band, make sure that everyone is cool with that fact. If it is a collaborative, then be true to your word and give all other members a chance in the creative process. But a band is more than just music—it should be run like a business. One person should be in charge of web promotion and web presence. One person, either in the band or outside the band, should be in charge of booking shows. The jobs within a band, beyond just showing up to practice, include: promotion, web presence, booking, merchandise, handling the band fund, transportation, practice space, and probably a few that I am forgetting to mention. If each member isn’t trying to do everything and stepping all over each other, you avoid double booking and other such mayhem. Communicate and play nice. 5. Start Smart. Your first show isn’t going to be at JJ’s Bohemia or Rhythm & Brews, so get that out of your head right now. Start
“If you don’t really like the person, but they are the best bassist you know, keep looking.” If you aren’t that serious, then it might be more fun for you to just jam out with your friends and pick up the occasional gig. If you are ambitious, then you need to be more selective, and make sure that the musicians you choose are equally as, if not more, talented than you are. Chemistry is a big deal. If you don’t really like the person, but they are the best bassist you know, keep looking. You are going to have to spend a lot of time with this person, and while it’s nice to think you can get past your differences for the sake of music, it doesn’t generally work out.
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The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 32 | August 12, 2010 | www.chattanoogapulse.com
out playing The Riverhouse or Ziggy’s. Play parties or open mics, do whatever you have to do to get in front of people. Play often at first, to get your name out there and to build relationships with other bands. They will help you in the future—trust me. Once you get about 30 to 50 people in your following, try approaching other more established bands that you think would go well with your sound, and see if they might let you open for one of their upcoming shows. This way, you may have a chance at some crossover from the crowd that came to see the headliner, but liked your set. Once you become more well known in this area, try not to play more than once or twice a month in Chattanooga, so that you don’t burn people out on your music, and so that when you do play, you can guarantee that your fans will show up, as they won’t want to miss their chance. 6. Build a relationship with other local bands you like and play together. Get to know your local venues, the venue owners, the regulars, and bartenders. It’s easier to become well known if you are well liked. Acting like a badass truly doesn’t get you very far. Think of it this way: It is pretty easy to say “no” to a jerk. You may catch a break just based on your charm. 7.Promote. Just Facebook or Myspace isn’t enough. Really. Hope this helps! Support local music!
New Music Reviews
By Ernie Paik
His Name Is Alive
Dolly Mixture
The Eclipse
Everything and More
(Silver Mountain Media)
(dollymixture.net)
For more than 20 years, Warn Defever has been the only consistent member of His Name Is Alive, a truly unclassifiable band that never seems to stay with one particular sound for too long. Sometimes it lingers in dark, mysterious, and otherworldly moments; at other times, it creates off-kilter pop, blues-rock, soul-infused slow-jams, or even faux gospel. Most likely, the group simply reflects whatever Defever seems to be obsessed with at the time, be it the work of Alice Coltrane or “Good Vibrations” by the Beach Boys. Against all odds, and despite the genre-hopping, there are recognizable elements that tie the group’s immense body of work together, such as the frequent use of female singers, who often sing with a pretty, detached manner, and a constant commitment to mixing the strange with the beautiful, demonstrating that Defever is as much a sound lover as a song lover. Knowing His Name Is Alive’s penchant for change makes listening to the new album, The Eclipse, a little puzzling, as it doesn’t feature any dramatic departures. Andy FM is the album’s singer, as she was on 2007’s Xmmer, continuing with her aloof vocal style, and The Eclipse is a little smoother around the edges; “Dream Rememberer” is the sole rock number that uses prominent drums, with some wah-guitar licks and high frequency squeals. The predominant mood on the album is one that is somber and uncertain, like with the eerie, understated execution of “Darker Than Blue” or “St. Michael,” apparently a Michael Jackson tribute, which has an oddly penetrating, minimal approach that gently floats. The long, instrumental title track closes the album, using the sound of static buildup over a repeated guitar motif before drifting into an ambient ending. The Eclipse may make an interesting impression on newcomers; however, long-time fans who recognize some of the musical ideas revisited from past efforts may not be as impressed.
The British post-punkera pop band Dolly Mixture consisted of three young women whose fashion sense—floral print dresses with shit-kicking Doc Martens—reflected their aesthetic and tastes, which drew from both ’60s girl groups and punk bands like the Undertones. They had a career filled with missed opportunities and mismanagement, valuing creative control in the face of industry types who argued against them playing their own songs (in favor of being some kind of Bananarama-esque outfit) or even playing their own instruments. They were briefly adored by the British press before an inevitable backlash, and demonstrating some cruel twist, they experienced more fame as the backing singers for Captain Sensible, the guitarist of the Damned who had two novelty hit songs, rather than as Dolly Mixture. With all of the group’s material out of print, Dolly Mixture could have been doomed to obscurity, but it had its champions (John Peel and the members of Saint Etienne, among them); also, there’s the simple fact that the music—tight, sparkling, utterly charming pop music—stands the test of time. More than 25 years after the group disbanded, the 3-CD boxed set Everything and More arrives as a generous package featuring the 1983 demo compilation Demonstration Tapes on the first disc, the band’s singles and Fireside EP on the second disc, and a third disc with rarities, more demos, and live tracks. Second or third generation tape sources were used in the cases where the master tapes were lost, so the fidelity isn’t always spectacular; nevertheless, the group’s zeal and charisma always shines through, evolving from a spirited power-pop approach to a piano-and-string-enhanced chamber pop style. All three members sang, but bassist Debsey Wykes (who later formed the band Birdie) had the most memorable voice, evoking an effortless glee or a bittersweet wistfulness. The track “Everything and More” sums up everything great about the band, being a perfect pop song with irresistible hooks and a youthful exuberance.
www.chattanoogapulse.com | August 12, 2010 | Vol. 7, Issue 32 | The Pulse
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Music Calendar Thursday Spotlight
Uncle Touchy, Local Union, Reverse Halo Effect, The Notion Full night of you-name-it at JJ’s. $7 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 236 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia
Thursday Live Team! 7:30 p.m. T-Bones, 1419 Chestnut St. (423) 266-4240. www.tboneschattanooga.com Jimmy Harris 7:30 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com Blues Night: Mark “Porkchop” Holder, Rick Rushing & the Blues Strangers 8:30 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn) Soft Opening, The N.E.C. 9 p.m. Discoteca, 304 E. Main St. (423) 386-3066. www.myspace.com/discotecabar Uncle Touchy, Local Union, Reverse Halo Effect, The Notion 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia Moonslew 9 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996. Tim and Reece 9 p.m. Bart’s Lakeshore, 5600 Lakeshore Dr. (423) 870-0777. www.bartslakeshore.com Eddies of the Wind 9 p.m. Riverhouse Pub, 224
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The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 32 | August 12, 2010 | www.chattanoogapulse.com
Friday Spotlight
Frazier Ave. (423) 752-0066. Open Mic with Gabriel Newell 9 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Soul Crush 9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com Soul Sessions 10 p.m. Table 2, 232 E. 11th St. (423) 756-8253. www.table2restaurant.com
Friday Ben Friberg Trio 6 p.m. Table 2, 232 E.11th St. (423) 756-8253. www.table2restaurant.com MeloManiacs 7 p.m. Bluff View Art District, Terrazine between Tony’s and Back Inn Café, 411 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033. Hold Fast, Orcard of the Living, Silence the Sorrow 7 p.m. Ziggy’s Hideaway, 607 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 756-4786. myspace.com/ziggyshideaway Jimmy Harris 7:30 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com A Sequence of Ghosts, Axiom, Everybody Loves the Hero, In the Era, Covered in Scars 7:30 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd., East Ridge. www.myspace.com/warehousetn Rock N’ Roll Spectacular 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo Centennial Theatre, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000.
New Orleans Jazz Trio 7:30 p.m. Blue Orleans Creole Restaurant, 3208 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 629-6538. blueorleanscreolerestaurant.com Black 47 8 p.m. Nightfall Concert Series, Miller Plaza, 850 Market St. www.nightfallchattanooga.com Brookes Blues Band 9 p.m. Riverhouse Pub, 224 Frazier Ave. (423) 752-0066. Jager Girls 9 p.m. Bart’s Lakeshore, 5600 Lakeshore Dr. (423) 870-0777. www.bartslakeshore.com Mike McDade 9 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn) Amber Fults 9 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.com Nic Cowan 9 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919 Mark Holder 10 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Mile Roots, aka Rudie 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia Casey Adams band with the Back Row Baptists 10:15 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644.
Saturday MeloManiacs 7 p.m. Bluff View Art District, Terrazine between Tony’s and Back Inn Café, 411 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033.
Black 47 Celtic rock…with some reggae, hip hop, jazz and Lower East Side Noise mixed in. Free 8 p.m. Nightfall, Miller Plaza, 850 Market St. www.nightfallchattanooga.com Paul Belcher Gospel Concert 7 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad Street. (423) 757-5050. Jimmy Harris 7:30 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com Every Word a Prophecy, To Bow or to Burn, Between two Seas, Failing the Fairest, Permillisecond 7:30 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd., East Ridge. www.myspace.com/warehousetn Matt Turnure Trio 7:30 p.m. Blue Orleans Creole Restaurant, 3208 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 629-6538. blueorleanscreolerestaurant.com Rock N’ Roll Spectacular 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo Centennial Theatre, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000. Slow Form of Suicide, Wake the Fallen, Uncle Touchy, The Suicide Doors 8 p.m. Ziggy’s Hideaway, 607 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 756-4786. myspace.com/ziggyshideaway Fine Grain 8 p.m. Riverhouse Pub, 224 Frazier Ave. (423) 752-0066.
Music Calendar
Send your calendar events to us at calendar@chattanoogapulse.com
Saturday Spotlight
Howlies Either the first R&R band of the 21st century or the Three Stooges meets Betty Page as musical thugs. $6 9 p.m. Discoteca, 304 E. Main St. (423) 386-3066. myspace.com/discotecabar Jamie McLean Band 8 p.m. Riverfront Nights, Ross’s Landing, (423) 756-2211 Jane Eamon 8 p.m, Charles & Myrtle’s Coffeehouse, 105 McBrien Rd., (423) 892-4960. www.christunity.org Howlies 9 p.m. Discoteca, 304 East Main St. (423) 386-3066. www.myspace.com/discotecabar BJ & Rick 9 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.com JK & Lost Boys 9 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919 Casey Adams Band 9 p.m. Bart’s Lakeshore, 5600 Lakeshore Dr. (423) 870-0777. Open Mic Night 9 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9043. Roger Allen Wade 10 p.m. T-Bones, 1419 Chestnut St. (423) 266-4240. Poison Control Center, The Zou, Heaven’s Basement 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. Fly by Radio 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644.
Sunday Spotlight
Sunday
Old Tyme Music 6 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 8 50 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Paul Lohorn and the Monday Nite Big Band 7:30 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055.
In the Midst of Lions, The Great Commission, Every Word a Prophecy, In This Hour, Sons of Cynics 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd., East Ridge. Gentlemens Jazz Quartet 8 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. Lightning Billy Hopkins 8 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Spoken Word/Poetry Night 8 p.m. The Riverhouse, 224 Frazier Ave., (423) 752-0066. Oxxen, Music Hates You, Night of the Wolf 9 p.m. Discoteca, 304 E. Main St. (423) 386-3066. Open Mic with Mike McDade 9 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.com Spicolli-Oke 9 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919. Blues Night: Tim Starnes, Husky Burnette, Jacob Newman 9 p.m. Bart’s Lakeshore, 5600 Lakeshore Dr. (423) 870-0777. www.bartslakeshore.com Screaming Females!, Tw*t Sauce 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia
Tuesday
Wednesday
Ben Friberg Trio 6:30 p.m. Table 2, 232 E. 11th St. (423) 756-8253. www.table2restaurant.com
Ben Friberg Trio 7 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com
New Binkley Brothers Noon. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd. Lookout Mountain, GA. (706) 820-2531. Jennifer Daniels, Michael Jacobs, Uptown Big Band 11 a.m. Jennifer Daniels, 12:30 p.m. Michael Jacobs, 2 p.m. Uptown Big Band, Chattanooga Market, 1826 Carter St. (423) 266-9270. www.chattanoogamarket.com Open Mic w/Jeff Daniels 4 p.m. Ms. Debbie’s Nightlife Lounge 4762 Highway 58, (423) 485-0966. myspace.com/debbieslounge Irish Sessions Music 6:30 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.com Daikaiju, Vampire Squad 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia
Monday
Daikaiju, Vampire Squad Daikaju is back. Need we say more? $7 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 236 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia Jimmy Harris 7:30 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. Johnny B. and Friends 8 p.m. Bourbon Street Music Bar, 2000 E. 23rd St. (423) 826-1985. Open Mic Night 9 p.m. Riverhouse Pub, 224 Frazier Ave. (423) 752-0066. Open Mic with Mike McDade 9 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919. Gabe Newell 9 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.com Slim Pickens 9 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com Karaoke with American Idol’s Chase Guyton 9 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn) Uncle Billy, Mike 10 p.m. T-Bones, 1419 Chestnut St. (423) 266-4240. www.tboneschattanooga.com The Arrivials, Off with their Heads, Future Virgins 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia
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www.chattanoogapulse.com | August 12, 2010 | Vol. 7, Issue 32 | The Pulse
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Arts & Entertainment
Stormtroopers in Sequins
By Helene Houses
“This is not
family fare, and there is something to genially offend everyone.”
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Few musicals have the long and
checkered history of The Producers. Its saga began with the 1968 Mel Brooks film of the same name, now regarded as a classic. It starred the immortal Zero Mostel, Gene Wilder and the now largely forgotten but brilliant Dick Shawn. The tale of two dimwitted producers who want to produce a flop to get out
The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 32 | August 12, 2010 | www.chattanoogapulse.com
of repaying their investors, and decide to come up with the worst idea for a musical ever (Springtime for Hitler), is quintessential Brooks. Fast-forward to the 21st century, when the indefatigable Brooks teams up with Glen Kelly to rework the movie script for the Broadway stage. The production, starring Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick, opened in April 2001. It ran for more than 2,500 performances and received 12 Tonys. Then a new version of the movie emerged in 2005. Not bad for a script originally produced on the proverbial dime. When the musical opened, it received comments from prominent critics such as,“Mel Brooks is back, mit a bing, mit a bang, mit a boom.” (John Lahr in The New Yorker) and “What’s not to love?” (Richard Zonglin in Time). Now the Chattanooga Theatre Centre gives you a chance to hum along with “Springtime for Hitler and Germany/ Deutschland is happy and gay!/We’re
marching to a faster pace/ Look out, here comes the master race!” The Producers opens on the Main Stage this Friday night and plays through August 29. Directed by Magge Cabrera Hudgins, it features Allan Ledford and Zach Cavan as Max and Leo and Lizzie Chazen as Ulla, as well as a top-notch cast including Rodney Van Valkenburg as Franz, Scott Dunlap as Roger, Andrew Chauncey as Carmen Ghia, and Fiona Battersby, David Couter, Tony Dagnan, Laura Jeckavitch Dennie, Jerry Draper, Jay Echols, Cody Keown, Drew Kerr, Karley Moon, Grovenia Perryman, Kandace Shipley, Eleanor Aiken, Jennelle Gilreath, Justin Young, and Strickland Swanson. Based on Cabrera Hudgins’ previous outing (that pun is for Mel Brooks) with Dunlap and Chauncey in Psycho Beach Party, still one of this reviewer’s alltime faves at the CTC, this show should be a hoot. We have heard rumors of stormtrooper uniforms complete with sequins, as well as dancing sausages. See for yourself if these rumors are true, starting Friday night—but be warned, this is not family fare, and there is something to genially offend everyone.
The Producers $30 opening night, $15-$25 other performances Friday, August 13 – Sunday, August 29 Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Main Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com
A&E Calendar Highlights Friday
Thursday
Guided Bike Ride to Moccasin Bend Five-mile, 90-minute ride led by Outdoor Chattanooga. Free 6 p.m. Outdoor Chattanooga, base of Walnut St. Bridge, Coolidge Park (423) 643-6888. www.outdoorchattanooga.com
Send your calendar events to us at calendar@chattanoogapulse.com
Friends of the Library Booksale 9 a.m. Eastgate Town Center, 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 757-5425. friendsofthelibrary-chattanooga.com Chattanooga Market Thursday Plaza Party 4 p.m. Miller Plaza, 850 Market St. www.chattanoogamarket.com Girls’ Night at The Hunter 6 p.m. Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org The Mystery of the TV Talk Show 7 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. www.funnydinner.com Chattanooga Lookouts vs. Tennessee Smokies 7:15 p.m. AT&T Field, 201 Power Alley. (423) 267-2208. www.lookouts.com Cledus T Judd 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com Chattanooga Professional Photography Group Exhibit North River Civic Center, 1009 Executive Dr. Ste. 102. (423) 870-8924.
The Producers The classic tale of two inept producers who accidentally create a hit. $30 7 p.m. opening night reception 8 p.m. performance Main Stage, Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 265-5033, ext. 5. www.river-gallery.com
Saturday
Artini Benefit for the Red Cross with silent art auction, creative food and the CSO Youth Orchestra. $20 6 - 8 p.m. The Chattanoogan Hotel and Conference Center, 1201 Broad St. (423) 265-3455.
Friends of the Library Booksale 9 a.m. Eastgate Town Center, 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 757-5425. friendsofthelibrary-chattanooga.com Hubble in 3D 11 a.m., 1, 3, 5, 7, 9 p.m. IMAX Theater at the Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (800) 265-0695. w Mystery of the Nightmare Office Party 6 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. www.funnydinner.com Chattanooga Lookouts vs. Tennessee Smokies 7:15 p.m. AT&T Field, 201 Power Alley. (423) 267-2208. Cledus T Judd 7:30, 10 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com Smoke on the Mountain 7:30 p.m. The Colonnade Center, 264 Catoosa Crl., Ringgold, GA. (706) 935-9000. www.colonnadecenter.org USA Dance Ballroom Dance 7:30 p.m. Allemande Hall, 7400 Standifer Gap Rd. (423) 499-5738. www.chattanoogadanceinc.org
Wild Ocean in 3D 8 p.m. IMAX Theater at the Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (800) 265-0695. www.tnaqua.org Mystery of Flight 138 8:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. www.funnydinner.com Female Impersonation Show Midnight. Images, 6065 Lee Hwy. (423) 855-8210. www.imagesbar.com “Fresh Coastal Scenes” Shuptrine Fine Art Group, 2646 Broad St. (423) 266-4453. www.shuptrinefineartgroup.com “Figures” Jewish Cultural Center, 5461 N. Terrace Rd. (423) 493-0270. “The Myth of Mary Gregory” Houston Museum of Decorative Arts, 201 High St. (423) 267-7176. “Street Art” The Arts Center, Athens, TN. (423) 745-8781. www.athensartscouncil.org “The Way I See It” My Color Image Boutique and Gallery, 330 Frazier Ave. (423) 598-6202.
Sunday Friends of the Library Booksale 9 a.m. Eastgate Town Center, 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 757-5425. riendsofthelibrary-chattanooga.com Brainerd Farmers Market 10 a.m. Parking lot, Grace Episcopal Church, 20 Belvoir Ave. Chattanooga River Market 10 a.m. Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (800) 265-0695. www.tnaqua.org Mosaic Market 11 a.m. 412 Market St. (corner of 4th/Market). (423) 624-3915 Art Til Dark Noon. Northshore. (423) 413-8999. arttildark.wordpress.com Smoke on the Mountain 1 p.m. The Colonnade Center, 264 Catoosa Circle, Ringgold, GA. (706) 935-9000. www.colonnadecenter.org Leadership Chattanooga 25th Anniversary Celebration 7 p.m. Loose Cannon Gallery, 1800 Rossville Ave. (423) 763-4345 Summer in the City IV: New Orleans 7 p.m. 201 Riverfront Pkwy., Pier 2. hattanoogasummerinthecity.org
Chattanooga Lookouts vs. Tennessee Smokies 7:15 p.m. AT&T Field, 201 Power Alley. (423) 267-2208. www.lookouts.com Cledus T Judd 7:30, 10 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com Smoke on the Mountain 7:30 p.m. The Colonnade Center, 264 Catoosa Circle, Ringgold, GA. (706) 935-9000. www.colonnadecenter.org Wild Ocean in 3D 8 p.m. IMAX Theater at the Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (800) 265-0695. The Producers 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com Female Impersonation Show Midnight. Images, 6065 Lee Hwy. (423) 855-8210. www.imagesbar.com “New Imagery” River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033. www.river-gallery.com
Five-Star Food Fight at the Market Annual foodie event…wait, every Sunday is a foodie event! Free 11 a.m. - 4 p.m. Chattanooga Market, First Tennessee Pavilion, 1826 Reggie White Blvd. (423) 648-2496. www.chattanoogamarket.com
Life: An Expo for Boomers & Seniors (featuring Betty White) 11 a.m. Chattanooga Convention Center, 1150 Carter St. (423) 756-0001. www.timesfreepress.com Chattanooga Lookouts vs. Tennessee Smokies 2:15 p.m. AT&T Field, 201 Power Alley. (423) 267-2208. www.lookouts.com Cledus T Judd 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com Cherokee Stone Carvings Bill Shores Frame and Gallery, 307 Manufacturers Rd. (423) 756-6746. www.billshoresframes.com Stephen Rolfe Powell Glass Exhibition Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. “All Doe Eyed” Leo Handmade Gallery, 22 Frazier Ave. leogallery.blogspot.com “Keeping It Alive” Asher Love Studio and Gallery, 3914 St. Elmo Ave., Ste. G. (423) 822-0289.
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A&E Calendar Highlights Monday Chattanooga Lookouts vs. Tennessee Smokies 7:15 p.m. AT&T Field, 201 Power Alley. (423) 267-2208. www.lookouts.com Center Stage: 92nd Street & Y Series 7:30 p.m. Jewish Cultural Center, 5461 N. Terrace Rd. (423) 493-0270. www.jewishchattanooga.com Speak Easy: Spoken Word and Poetry 8 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9040. www.mudpierestaurant.com “Transformation 6: Contemporary Works in Glass” Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. “Skins and Skeletons” AVA Gallery, 30 Frazier Ave. (423) 265-1282. www.avarts.org “Horizons” In-Town Gallery, 26A Frazier Ave. (423)267-9214. www.intowngallery.com
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Tuesday Flick’s Café: Films of the 1990s: A Merry War 6:30 p.m. Chattanooga-Hamilton County Bicentennial Library, 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-5310. lib.chattanooga.gov Live Cabaret Show with James Breedwell 9, 11 p.m. Bourbon Street Music Bar, 2000 E. 23rd St. (423) 697-9957. “Summer Salon 2010” Hanover Gallery, 111 Frazier Ave. (423) 648-0533. “Jellies: Living Art” Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. Chattanooga Professional Photography Group Exhibit North River Civic Center, 1009 Executive Dr. Ste. 102. (423) 870-8924. “Fresh Coastal Scenes” Shuptrine Fine Art Group, 2646 Broad St. (423) 266-4453. “Figures” Jewish Cultural Center, 5461 N. Terrace Rd. (423) 493-0270.
The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 32 | August 12, 2010 | www.chattanoogapulse.com
Wednesday Main Street Farmers Market 4 p.m. Main St. at Williams St. www.mainstfarmersmarket.com Live Cabaret Show with James Breedwell 9, 11 p.m. Bourbon Street Music Bar, 2000 E. 23rd St. (423) 697-9957. Stephen Rolfe Powell Glass Exhibition Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org “The Myth of Mary Gregory” Houston Museum of Decorative Arts, 201 High St. (423) 267-7176. “Street Art” The Arts Center, Athens, TN. (423) 745-8781. www.athensartscouncil.org “The Way I See It” My Color Image Boutique and Gallery, 330 Frazier Ave. (423) 598-6202. “New Imagery” River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033. www.river-gallery.com
Editor’s Pick: Featured Event Of The Week
A Streetcar Named Desire Your chance to discuss the classic Tennessee Williams play and give your take on Blanche and Stanley with the Classic Lit Bookclub. Free 6 p.m. Tuesday, August 17 Rock Point Point Books, 401 Broad St. (423) 422-8579. www.rockpointbooks.com
Life in the Noog
By Chuck Crowder
That Dude From Twilight Is Outty R
ecently the ‘noog was transformed into “Hollywood East” as we played host to one of the locations for filming some movie called Water For Elephants that starred that dude from the Twilight movies.
“For those of us who call downtown our playground, the extra crowds that dude from Twilight generated cramped our style worse than even our most dreaded nemesis— Riverbend.” Chuck Crowder is a local writer and general man about town. His opinions are just that. Everything expressed is loosely based on fact, and crap he hears people talking about. Take what you just read with a grain of salt, but pepper it in your thoughts. And be sure to check out his popular website thenoog.com
You know what that means? It means that dude from Twilight was here. And you’d think by the reaction of locals and the influx of outof-town fans flocking to our city limits that the Beatles had just landed at Lovell Field to kick off the British Invasion. People from as far away as Orlando and all points in between packed up the kids in the minivan for a special vacation—not to the Great Smoky Mountains, the Tennessee Aquarium or The Grand Ole Opry—but to a destination even better. “Kids, this year we’re going to drive 500 miles to sit in the hot sun on a remote country road about 100 yards away from a closed movie set for days on end in hopes of catching a binocular glimpse of that dude from Twilight.” “Hooooraaaaaaay!” And that’s just what they did. Hundreds of people lined a two-lane country road in temperatures well over 100 degrees all day, every day it was suspected that scenes featuring that dude from Twilight may or may not be shot at a simple farm house nearby. Every evening, the news stations would show interviews with these sadly misguided souls who couldn’t find ANYthing better to do with their free time than chase that dude from Twilight into our neck of the woods. One family even went as far as to say they’d “been as far as Boston to try and see [that dude from Twilight]” but also noted that “a 30-hour drive
is their limit.” Really!?! Maybe like everyone else clamoring to catch a glimpse of that dude from Twilight they knew the chase didn’t end, well, at twilight. Nope, nighttime meant that dude from Twilight would be going back downtown to his hotel (the Read House it was suspected), and then out to dinner and drinks at one of many rumored locales around the city. And whether or not that dude from Twilight (and possibly that chick from Legally Blonde) actually visited some place or not, there was always a crowd waiting inside, and even outside, just in case he showed up and wanted to hang out with them. For those of us who call downtown our playground, the extra crowds that dude from Twilight generated cramped our style worse than even our most dreaded nemesis— Riverbend (which we’ve just gotten over). It was hell—people everywhere running around from place to place looking for that dude from Twilight. Personally I wouldn’t know that dude from Twilight if he came up and punched me, but I could tell if I happened to be in an establishment rumored to be harboring him at the moment if it started to get really crowded all of a sudden. In fact, thanks to the power of social media, news of that dude from Twilight’s whereabouts were clogging up the ‘noog’s 3G network as if the end of the world had just been announced. Some rumors and news were accurate, other reports just speculation. Based on some afterthe-fact facts I’ve been able to gather from those in the know, here are some myth busters concerning that dude from Twlight’s social activities while in the ‘noog. FACT: based on the number of cut-off blue
jean shorts camped out at the Read House Starbuck’s night and day, we can assume that’s where he was staying. MYTH: he and that chick from Legally Blonde had lunch at Lupi’s downtown. FACT: he had dinner one night at St. John’s Restaurant (not St. John’s Meeting Place as reported) because a friend of mine actually waited on him. MYTH: that the chick from Legally Blonde was ever here, although no one seemed to care whether she was or not. FACT: when the crowds at CBC Saturday night swelled beyond belief, that dude from Twilight escaped to Lamar’s and was virtually left alone. FACT: my buddy, not knowing who he was at the time, peed next to that dude from Twilight at the CBC. These truths we know. But we also know two other things. One is that dude from Twilight, or at least his handlers, are obviously amateurs when it comes to hiding out in plain sight—especially in a town not too much bigger than Mayberry. St. John’s and Lamar’s were good moves because none of the yahoos chasing him know those places even exist. But the Read House and CBC? C’mon. Secondly, we know that people who travel hundreds of miles just to catch a glimpse of that dude from Twilight are sad…no, pathetic. He’s just a person, and an unfortunate one at that. I’m sure that chick from Legally Blonde is glad that she doesn’t have fans that are just as obsessed with her as they are with that dude from Twilight. But alas, despite all of the excitement and misery, now he’s gone and things in the ‘noog are back to normal—at least until the vampires come out for another bite. Bwaaahahahaha!
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Film Feature
By John DeVore
Good Cop, Funny Cop I
n my last review, I mentioned some actors whose mere presence immediately distracts from the rest of the film. Will Ferrell could be the poster boy for this phenomenon, especially when he is part of a comedy. Ferrell is very seldom unfunny. Many times it is a delight to see him on the screen. However, when he makes cameo appearances, the mind immediately registers the name “Will Ferrell,” rather than wondering about the character he is portraying. The Other Guys is going to be seen as a Will Ferrell movie, but that might be selling it a little short.
“As with other movies by Ferrell, this film is destined to be quoted endlessly by idiot friends on Facebook.” I said last week that Dinner for Schmucks might be the funniest movie of the summer, which was a shame. I was wrong. The Other Guys may have a few weak moments, but it is solidly funny and succeeds where “Schmucks” failed; in not allowing Will Ferrell to derail the movie by being dramatically overstated, we are treated to a movie where we can let our attention drift to the absurdities of the minor characters. He is still Will Ferrell, but while previous movies like Anchorman and Talladega Nights centered on obnoxiously stupid characters with enormous egos, here he is the understated desk jockey cop with an amusingly baffling personal life. Partnered with Mark Wahlberg, who is a little out of his element with this many strong comedic presences, the movie takes the “buddy cop” picture and crafts a fun film, a film that like many of its predecessors succeeds because it lacks the relief of a typical straight man.
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This is a film in which what happens in the background is often funnier than what happens to our heroes. In fact, the “heroes” of the film (Dwayne Johnson and Samuel L. Jackson, another in the “distracting actor” club) are cleverly negated early on. The Other Guys instead focuses on the background cops, the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of Lethal Weapon or Tango and Cash. Terry Hoitz (Mark Wahlberg) and Allen Gamble (Will Ferrell) are the odd-couple partners. Hoitz is the angry, “loose cannon” stereotype who makes a name for himself by shooting Derek Jeter in a case of mistaken identity, entertaining Red Sox fans everywhere. Wahlberg makes an admirable attempt at the part, but his delivery isn’t quite as powerful as that of pros like Ferrell and Rob Riggle, who plays fellow officer Martin. The “buddy” dynamic between the two was a little forced, but manageable. Gamble has been transferred from the accounting department, likes to do paperwork, and has a surprising amount of success with very attractive women. Ferrell plays him as only Ferrell can; a living personality quirk with an unbelievable background. The humor here is my favorite type, that of the absurdist non sequitur. If you find it amusing when a member of the Securities and Exchange Commission is called a “Windsor-knot-wearing monkey,” or when the theme from Cops is played by string quartet at a funeral for police officers, then this movie is for you. The overall plot involves an investigation of scaffolding violations that inadvertently leads to evidence of some serious financial shenanigans at an extremely large investment firm. This moves the focus from the drug kingpin bad guys of the ’80s and ’90s to the Wall Street evil that permeates our current recession. But this is all just a ruse to move the action forward, so that the audience can see the supporting characters shine. To get the most out of the experience, it’s important for the audience to pay close attention to every detail, watch for pop-culture references and inside jokes in the background. The film is littered with silliness that mostly has nothing to do with what is actually happening in the movie, so much so that repeat viewings might be necessary. As with other movies by
The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 32 | August 12, 2010 | www.chattanoogapulse.com
Ferrell, this film is destined to be quoted endlessly by idiot friends on Facebook. Most reviewers don’t mention the credits, but they were odd enough I thought it warranted. The credits were apparently made by someone who had recently seen Michael Moore’s most recent film on capitalism. Each screen had a fact about the TARP bailout, corporate compensation, and financial exploitation. It seemed a heavy and odd choice. I was expecting outtakes and alternate lines, not a lecture on finance. As I mentioned above, the bad guys in the film were merely updated to reflect the times; if they were meant as a symbolic metaphor against corporate excess, the point was lost on me. Will Ferrell and company managed to capture some of the originality that hasn’t been found in more recent outings like Blades of Glory or Step Brothers. See this movie with a crowd. Laughter begets laughter and there are plenty of opportunities here. The Other Guys has proven itself to be one of the best big budget comedies this year.
The Other Guys Directed by Adam McKay Starring Will Ferrell, Mark Wahlberg, Samuel L. Jackson, Dwayne Johnson Rated PG-13 Running time: 1 hour, 47 minutes
New In Theaters
By Gary Poole
Summer Conundrum One of the interesting aspects of the summer movie season is that on any given weekend you can find any number of movies to fit your personal taste or mood. Action, comedy, romance, animation, drama—you name it, there is likely a film falling under one (or more) of those categories each weekend. This weekend is a nearly perfect case in point, as three major films are being released that have absolutely nothing in common with each other. One is the all-too-rare “strong female film” that Hollywood, for reasons too annoying to get into in this column, seems nearly unable to make in spite of a proven record of box-office success over the past several summers. Of course, it does help to lessen predominantly male studio executives’ objections to releasing a female-centric film when said film stars Julia Roberts and is based on a massively best-selling book supported by none other than Oprah Winfrey. With Eat Pray Love, director Ryan Murphy weaves the tale of a happily married woman who endures an unexpected and painful divorce and proceeds to take a round-theworld journey of self-enlightenment and fulfillment. Shot almost entirely on location, Murphy makes excellent use of both the settings and his mega-watt star, Roberts, who has owned the big screen ever since her breakout role 20 years ago in Pretty Woman. Murphy, who created both Nip/Tuck and the breakout smash Glee for television, makes the transition to feature film director with generally positive early reviews. The younger movie fans at the metroplex— the types who roll their eyes at the thought of seeing Julia Roberts in anything—have their own movie debut this weekend with Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. Michael Cera, who has become the poster child for disaffected lovelorn young male actors, stars as the layabout musician Scott Pilgrim who falls for the new girl in town. However, in order to win her heart, he must defeat her seven evil ex-boyfriends. One of the more intelligently hyped and promoted films of the summer, a lot of reputations in Hollywood are on the line, having put so much time and effort (not to mention money) into creating what they hope is the next teen/young adult classic. But the competition for the male
demographic is getting a strong shot of oldschool testosterone with a cast that would have been too good to believe in 1995, much less now in 2010. Sure, the marquee names in The Expendables are a little long in the tooth, but any film that can boast Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger in the same scenes is one that appeals to both action film fans and nostalgics alike. Add in to the mix such current action stars as Jason Statham, Jet Li and Randy Couture, another old-school badass in Dolph Lundgren and even a surprise performance from one of professional wrestling’s biggest past stars, Steve Austin, and you have what could be the most masculine, macho film since The Dirty Dozen. The plot is fairly simplistic, like those of the ’80s action films it pays loving homage to, in which a group of mercenaries are hired to infiltrate a South American country and overthrow its ruthless dictator. Once the mission begins, the men realize things aren’t quite as they appear, finding themselves caught in a dangerous web of deceit and betrayal. We’re not talking Inception or even The Despicables here when it comes to originality—but that’s not the point. What it all boils done to is an August weekend that for once offers some real choice at the box-office window. And there is never anything wrong with that.
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The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 32 | August 12, 2010 | www.chattanoogapulse.com
On The Beat
By Alex Teach
Strange Relationship D
“He had referred to my actions as ‘Being Drunk At People’, verbalizing something we’ve all seen someone else do at one time or another. I loved it.”
eath is not new to anyone. I have no more claims to the personal knowledge of such than anyone else, from the elderly school janitor you all remember to the weary young man on the desert battlefield some of you wished you’d never had to meet…but we are definitely on a first-name basis, and I am still mercifully taken aback when it touches me. (Some of the time, anyway.)
I learned about Parker Smith’s death over the phone from my blessedly patient editor in a stereotypically long government hallway with a polished floor and stained wallpaper, the cold fluorescent lighting supplemented by early morning sun; when I heard, I stopped and sat in a window sill and slowly leaned my head back against the glass. My mouth was slack, but it was quickly replaced with a smile as I thought back to the fun times I had with him years ago. I didn’t meet him first; he met me. The first time I shook his hand, he had an unusually nervous smile and a weak hand, as if he’d just been introduced to a walking shark he was forced into being amicable towards. I politely disregarded this as I tend to do On the Job, but after a few moments he When Officer Alexander D. Teach is not relaxed (as people also tend to do after a few patrolling our fair city on the heels of the criminal element, he is an occasional moments around me, On the Job), and he student, carpenter, boating enthusiast, and said, “Listen, I need to tell you something.” spends his spare time volunteering for the And he did. Boehm Birth Defects Center. To contact He was at the front rail of the Stone him directtly, follow him on Facebook at Lion Tavern in a year too embarrassing www.facebook.com/alex.teach
to mention, and he was watching this guy hanging around its front door while a rainless thunderstorm ambled overhead, the guy leaning right up against the door’s filthy frame. He said as people would walk up, the guy would engage them politely but begin to verbally accost them. He would manage to begin insulting them so subtly that they were offended before they even knew why, and several turned around without making it past said doorway and into the bar beyond. As they left, the guy would slink back to the door, and wait for someone new to arrive; he spoke to no one else, he was just waiting for people to engage him before attacking them like a troll guarding a bridge. Parker was fascinated by this and thought little else of it…until that same guy walked up to him in a full police uniform one day at his perpetual non-radio “other job” in a Home Depot. What’s interesting is that he wasn’t just freaked out to find that the extremely liquored-up guy at that door was a cop (though it was a strong factor)…but was someone he knew from years before that, who as a teenager had stopped by a studio a few times in a radio station’s heyday to “ride” a proverbial mattress in the studio in which he was DJ’ing (you either remember the “mattress” bit about the old Fox, or you don’t…I can’t explain). What’s more, that very studio was later turned into a police precinct in which said Cop would one day be stationed. Small world. We hit it right off...as much as a Shark and a Fish can, anyway. Two drinking fools with not a
common bone in their body, except for a dislike of bullshit and ourselves. (He had referred to my actions as “Being Drunk At People”, verbalizing something we’ve all seen someone else do at one time or another. I loved it.) I’ve had a harder time typing this than I expected; I’m writing it in a police column, by the way, because it was on a media/police basis upon which we became acquainted. We hung out several times on a remarkably well-reasoned short-term basis, because we knew that together we had the combined self-restraint of a rat in a tampon factory. There are places around Suck Creek Road and Cherokee Boulevard where I still feel a cold shudder while passing though for reasons I cannot quite articulate…but I never pursue those suspicions for fear of what I may remember. I have to tell you though, I may well be passing through them in the coming nights to get this shaken feeling out of my system. Because Parker, finally, somehow…is gone. In the end, he finally returned the feeling of “shock” I gave him in the beginning. Parker…see you again, brother. Not just yet…but see you again, all the same. The only thing weirder than you meeting me the way you did that I can offer at the moment is being somewhat eulogized in a police column. I think you’d like it, my most genuine man, and appreciate the fact that I may be the only one who told a drinking story insulting me, and not you, in the process. You were a genuine Human Being.
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Spirits Within
By Joshua Hurley
Apothecary’s Favorite
During the last decade, blended wines have become popular with wine enthusiasts and “lay drinkers” alike. It’s not surprising—a blended wine, if vented correctly, can contain the same outstanding quality of some of the world’s most revered varietal wines. For this week’s “Great Buy”, we offer Apothic Red, a wine that promises to add an exciting new chapter in red wine blending. Great Buys is where Riley’s Wine and Spirits on Hixson Pike in Hixson picks a favorite from among the area’s largest selection of wine and spirits from around the world and then shares it with the readership of The Pulse. “Apothic” actually comes from the word “apotheca”, which was the name given by the ancient Romans to a storage room located upstairs in some of the wealthier citizens’ homes. The location utilized heat from the sun and smoke from the fireplace below, two key factors in the proper maturation of wine, herbs and spices. Later, in the middle of the 16th century, apothecaries were considered the pharmacists of their time, using wine, herbs and spices to heal the infirm. Simply put, vintners blend various grapes together to create a uniquely flavored wine. Sometimes the individual varietals used come from sub-standard harvests and may make poor straight varietal wine, but when blended with other varietals, create a wine rich in texture and character. Some recipes may be more than two centuries old, while others are created at the whim of the curious vintner. At one point, vintners’ blends had to contain at least 75 percent of one particular grape varietal, such as 75 percent cabernet sauvignon, 15 percent merlot and 10 percent syrah.
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Free Will Astrology LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Paul, a fortune-telling octopus in Oberhausen, Germany, had an amazing run of success predicting the results of World Cup competitions a while back. His technique? His handlers gave him a succession of choices between two tasty morsels, each representing one of the teams in a given match. The treat he picked to eat was the team whose victory he prophesied. I wish I could access his expertise to help me sort out your upcoming decisions. It’s really important that you not over-think the possibilities, but rather rely on simple gut reactions. Why don’t you pretend you’re an octopus, and imagine that each choice you have to make is symbolized by some food item. Ask yourself, “Which is yummiest?” VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Lewis Carroll’s sequel to Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland was Through the Looking Glass. As he wrote it, he invited his illustrator John Tenniel to offer editorial advice. In response, Tenniel tactfully suggested that Lewis cut out a certain chapter. Lewis agreed, and so the story, as we read it today, doesn’t include Alice’s meeting with a grumbling wasp who wore a bright yellow wig that sat disheveled on its head like a clump of seaweed. Think of me as your version of Tenniel, Virgo. As you finish up your labor of love, consider following my recommendation to omit the part that resembles a wasp in a wig.
Now, winemakers have the freedom to blend wine however they see fit, clearing the way for exciting new age blends. Apothic Red—a California red wine blend, (13.1 A/C/Vol)—is an “evensteven” of three popular varietals: 33-1/3 percent zinfandel, 33-1/3 percent merlot and 33-1/3 percent syrah. Zinfandel, considered California’s own wine grape because it’s not widely grown anywhere else in the world, offers depth, complexity and tannic structure and its characteristic flavors of berries, pepper and spice. The addition of a mature syrah (or shiraz) offers the delicious flavors of dark fruit, including blackberries, currants and plums. Lastly, the merlot varietal gives the blend a plush feel on the palate and also complements the dark fruit flavors of syrah and the spice of the zinfandel creating a mocha, chocolate and vanilla flavor spectrum on the finish that’s addictive. Try Apothic Red today at Riley’s for $8.83 plus tax (compare from $10.99 elsewhere). Cheers!
The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 32 | August 12, 2010 | www.chattanoogapulse.com
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): If you and I were sitting face to face and I asked you, “What are the most important lessons you’ve learned these last 11 months?”, what would you tell me? I think you need this type of experience: an intense and leisurely conversation with a good listener you trust—someone who will encourage you to articulate the major developments in your life since your last birthday. Here are some other queries I’d pose: 1. How have you changed? 2. What long-term process needs to come to a climax? 3. What “school” are you ready to graduate from? (And by “school” I mean any situation that has been a hotbed of learning for you.) SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The film Avatar hammers out such vehement anti-military, anticapitalist, and anti-imperialist themes that it could have been endorsed by the leftist rock band Rage Against the Machine. And yet it’s the highest-grossing film in the history of the world. One critic marveled at its popularity in even the most conservative areas of America, noting that it got “a theater full of people in Kentucky to stand and applaud the defeat of their country in war.” Your assignment in the coming week is to do what Avatar has done: Try to make sure that your opponents and skeptics are entertained by your message—maybe even excited and intrigued. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I recommend that you enjoy an abundance of recreational time in the coming days, Sagittarius. But I hope that you will favor a rigorous physical challenge over lying lazily on the beach. I hope that you will read great literature instead of mass market paperbacks, and that you’ll attend a brain-bending workshop rather than being a spectator at a sports event. Catch my drift, Sagittarius? Say yes to embarking on a vision quest that scares the fear out of you and pumps up your spiritual ambition; say no to wasting away in a puddle of sluggish, circuitous daydreaming. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Sixty-nine percent of conservatives think that hell is a real place, and over half of all liberals do. Shocking! Ridiculous! I hope that you, Capricorn, give zero credence to the idea that there is a realm of eternal damnation. In my astrological opinion, believing in hell would grossly interfere with your ability to know the truth about your life right now. So would an irrational fear of failure, an obsession with enemies, or a tendency to define yourself in opposition to bad stuff. Here’s the alternative: To thrive, all you have to do is accentuate what you love, identify what you want, and focus on
By Rob Brezsny Truthrooster@gmail.com rewards. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): This is an excellent time for you to get more conscious and proactive about what images you bring into your life and surround yourself with. It’s always important to monitor the pictures flowing into your imagination, of course, but it’s especially crucial right now. Your mental and physical health are unusually dependent on it. So please do yourself a big favor and gaze upon as much uplifting beauty as you can. Favor gardens over garbage dumps, soaring vistas over strip malls, interesting faces over scowling mugs. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Every year smokers toss away over four trillion cigarette butts, fouling the environment terribly. But recently a few Chinese scientists embarked on the seemingly impossible project of finding value in this noxious waste. Collecting up big piles of discarded filters, they developed a process to extract chemicals that are effective at preventing corrosion when applied to steel pipes. Your assignment, Pisces, is to accomplish a comparable miracle: Turn some dreck or dross into a useful thing; discover a blessing in the trash; build a new dream using the ruins of an old pleasure. ARIES (March 21-April 19): When I studied method acting with David Mamet, he taught us to develop such a vivid imagination that we could taste the pretend coffee that we drank out of an imaginary cup. We’d feel the heft of the cup in our hand and the steamy heat rising. We’d hallucinate the bitterly flavorful smell, and the muscles of our face would move the way they might if we were sipping the real thing. Pop star Lady Gaga didn’t work with Mamet while she was maturing as an actress, but she got similar teachings. Recently, she told New York magazine that she can “feel the rain, when it’s not raining.” And more than that: “I can actually mentally give myself an orgasm.” If you think that you will ever want to have that strong an imagination, Aries, now is a good time to start working toward that goal. TAURUS (April 20-May 20): When they say “Go with the flow,” what “flow” are they talking about? Do they mean the flow of your early childhood conditioning? The flow of your friends’ opinions? The latest cultural trends? Your immediate instinctual needs? When they say “Go with the flow,” are they urging you to keep doing what’s easiest to do and what will win you the most ego points, even if it keeps you from being true to your soul’s code? I’m here to ask you to consider the possibility that there are many flows to go with, but only one of them is correct for you right now. And in my opinion, it is flowing in an underground cavern, far from the maddening crowd. GEMINI (May 21-June 20): “There would not be such a thing as counterfeit gold if there were no real gold somewhere,” says a Sufi proverb. Why am I bringing this to your attention at this particular moment in your life story? Here’s the bad news: You’re in possession of some counterfeit gold that you think is authentic. Here’s the good news: Within a short time after waking up to the truth about the fake stuff, you will locate the real thing. CANCER (June 21-July 22): Here’s a thought from the Cancerian philosopher Gaston Bachelard: “He who listens to the singing of the stream cannot be expected to understand the one who hears the singing of the flame: They do not speak the same language.” While I mostly agree with that poetic formulation, I think you’re about to be a temporary exception to the rule. Normally you are acutely attuned to the singing of the stream; your skill at reading its nuances are supreme among the zodiac. But I expect that in the coming days, you will not only have the power to appreciate the song of the fire; you’ll even be able to empathize with and understand people who are entranced by the song of the fire.
JONESIN’
Across 1 Sweltering 4 Missourian’s phrase 10 Pop group on a 1983 stamp in their native Sweden 14 Judge in the O.J. Trial 15 Not just hurtful 16 “The King and I” setting 17 Newly-coined word 20 Orangey drink 21 Renaissance painter Bruegel 22 “Now ___ me down to sleep...” 23 Coat hook, maybe 24 “Blah blah blah” 25 “Hostel” director Roth 26 Less refined 30 Entr’___ 31 Definition of the coined word, Part 1 35 Squealed on 36 Part 2 of the definition 41 Staffs
42 PageMaker maker that merged with Adobe 43 Dream, with a Cockney accent 44 “___ be a shame if you didn’t” 45 Doberman’s warning 47 Skating jump 48 S, to a soldier 50 Assistance 54 End of the definition 56 Monogram ltr. 57 Fixture for a game show 58 Screener’s org. 59 Food served in its own shell 60 “Quite a hot day out” response 61 JFK stat Down 1 People classified as “homo groovius” by humor website Uncyclopedia 2 Board game also called Reversi 3 Got ready to fire
“Really Scary” –or is it?
4 Fruit in a gin fizz 5 Prefix meaning “seven” 6 Will-___-wisp 7 “What did you just say?!?!” 8 Fairy queen mentioned in “Romeo and Juliet” 9 Get hitched in private 10 Tennis legend Arthur 11 Gene therapy’s field 12 She had a “Feast” in a 1987 Danish film 13 Punish with a fine 18 What blue sometimes denotes 19 Captain Link Hogthrob, e.g. 23 ___ oneself on (had an ego about) 26 Panther sound 27 No vote 28 Mixologist’s station 29 Actress Kayla of “The Vampire Diaries” 30 “___ girl!” 32 Makes a mistake
33 Stir fry ingredient 34 Paint store options 36 Woman in Pushkin’s “Eugene Onegin” 37 Native to a particular area 38 Pop duo on a 1991 postage stamp in their native Sweden 39 Least restrictive 40 Was down in the dumps 41 Hard-to-characterize type 45 “Despicable Me” main character 46 Creaks while you speak 47 “Te ___” 49 ___-Rooter 50 Contact list listing: abbr. 51 Spreadable cheese 52 Prefix for “distant” 53 Rolaids competitor 55 “Pierrot le ___” (1965 Jean-Luc Godard film)
Crossword created By Matt Jones. © 2010 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle #0479.
www.chattanoogapulse.com | August 12, 2010 | Vol. 7, Issue 32 | The Pulse
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Ask A Mexican!
By Gustavo Arellano
Special Comida Edition
“Learn, for instance, about the curious history of the fajita, or the advent of the margarita. A great, useful read…anyone who doesn’t buy it deserves deportation.” Ask the Mexican at themexican@ askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!
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Dear Mexican, As a proud New Yorker, I gotta ask: what is up with Mexican food in this city? Sure, we’re used to getting owned by California and Texas and even Chicago when it comes to getting kick-ass, cheap, regional Mexican food. But I just got back from Philadelphia, where I was able to score some mighty fine tortas and DF-style tacos that seriously kicked the asses of anything I’ve ever had in Manhattan. Philly for f**k’s sake! To put that in perspective for you Californians, that’s like the Guatemala of the East Coast! How can it be that in a city where just about every commercial kitchen in every imaginable cuisine is powered by some seriously world-class Mexican talent, we can’t get decent, affordable Mexican food without having to go to Queens or Brooklyn or the Bronx? Sure we’ve got Rosa Mexicano and Mercadito and the like—but I can’t afford to spend a month’s rent on one meal. All I want is a nice taqueria that I don’t have to traverse a bridge or a tunnel to get to. This isn’t Arizona! Everyone’s a damn immigrant here! So why are we being punished like this? — Deprived Dear Gabacho, Are you a proud New Yorker—or a proud Manhattanite? Because you answered your question in your pregunta. The Big Manzana historically didn’t have great Mexican food (although it did have a crucial role in the development of Mexican food in the United States—you’ll have to wait next year for my upcoming book, Taco USA: How
The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 32 | August 12, 2010 | www.chattanoogapulse.com
Mexican Food Conquered America (And Soon, the World) for the details) because Mexicans didn’t migrate to the region in large numbers. That changed in the last 20 years, with the 2000 Census showing that Mexicans were New York’s fastest-growing ethnic group—and that was before the Reconquista truly wrapped its mestizo hands around Gotham! You have some of the highest concentrations of people from Puebla and Hidalgo in the United States, so feast on barbacoa and cemitas poblanas (sandwiches that make hoagies seem as puny as a singular pierogi) to your panza’s content— and leave the whining to Arizona governor Jan Brewer. Dear Mexican, I’m a huge fan of yours and I decided that I would at long last ask the Mexican a question! I set down this morning to drink my mocha and realized that I had no idea how Mexicans like their coffee. The Europeans have espresso, the Americans have McDonald’s mud, but what do the Mexicans have? Help me, amigo! — Caffeine Cabrona Dear Gabacha, Café de olla—coffee from the pot, preferably lead-lined. Spiced with cinnamon and
piloncillo, unrefined brown sugar usually formed into a cylindrical triangle from which Mexis smash off pieces. Café de olla is like a Mexican woman—spicy, sweet, caliente, perfect for late nights, early mornings, and slow, gentle blowing on its top before sipping. SHAMELESS PLUG! Not for me, for once, but for the most-Mexican gabacho I know that’s not a cousin-in-law: Robb Walsh, the Gibbon of Texas food history. Recently came out with a new book, The Tex-Mex Grill and Backyard Barbecue Cookbook, and Walsh being Walsh, it’s no mere grab-bag of great, easily reproducible recipes: you also get gorgeous pictures and stories on the different facets of Tex-Mex cuisine. Learn, for instance, about the curious history of the fajita, or the advent of the margarita. A great, useful read, and like I say in the blurb I contributed on the back of the book: anyone who doesn’t buy it deserves deportation. Learn more at robbwalsh.com, and felíz grilling!