The Pulse 10.51 » December 19, 2013

December19-25

Vol. 10 • No. 51

Chattanooga’s Weekly Alternative

Alex Teach An

Christmas

Halothane, Holidays and Peppermint Schnapps

ARTS

MUSIC

SCREEN

Gesserit Spice Husky Burnette smaug's a dog Tribal Fusion Bellydance tales from east end blvd constantaction, little story

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EDITORIAL

Managing Editor Mike McJunkin Contributing Editor Janis Hashe Art Director Gary Poole Contributors Rob Brezsny • John DeVore • Mike Dobbs Janis Hashe • Matt Jones • Keith King Mike McJunkin • Marc T. Michael Ernie Paik • Gary Poole • Alex Teach Editorial Intern Keith King Cartoonists & Illustrators Tom Tomorrow Staff Photographer Josh Lang Founded 2003 by Zachary Cooper & Michael Kull

ADVERTISING

Director of Sales Mike Baskin Account Executives Chee Chee Brown • Julie Brown Rick Leavell • Leif Sawyer • Stacey Tyler Jerry Ware • Candice York

CONTACT

Offices 1305 Carter St., Chattanooga, TN 37402 Phone 423.265.9494 Website chattanoogapulse.com Email info@chattanoogapulse.com Calendar calendar@chattanoogapulse.com THE FINE PRINT: The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer Media and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on music, the arts, entertainment, culture and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publisher may take more than one copy per weekly issue. We’re watching. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors. © 2013 Brewer Media. All rights reserved.

BREWER MEDIA GROUP Publisher & President Jim Brewer II

Contents

Cover Story

t ex

2013

N

19

'S !

AR LE lse YE TY e Pu S Th EW N E IN k in e EV We

DECEMBER

8 CHRISTMAS IN CONCRETE

By Alex Teach Halothane. That’s what had been used to render the young girl unconscious. Age 15 and beautiful, her whole life ahead of her, and she had been found piece by piece in submerged chunks of concrete in a creek on Christmas Day. Giftwrapped, now that I thought about it.

Feature Stories

Everything Else

13 BURNETTE: BOUND FOR THE BIG TIME

By Marc T. Michael A good deal has already been written about Husky and why not?

He’s one of the most recognizable figures in Chattanooga music, a perennial player who always seems to have a gig somewhere.

19 DANCING INTO THE WINTER SOLSTICE

By Janis Hashe Too many re-runs of “A Christmas Carol” and “It’s A Wonderful Life” got you saying, “bah humbug?” We may have just the thing to put some shimmy in your holidays.

5 7 14 16 20 24 28 29 30

THE BOWL THE LIST MUSIC CALENDAR BETWEEN THE SLEEVES ARTS CALENDAR HOLIDAY SHOPPING GUIDE FREE WILL ASTROLOGY JONESIN' CROSSWORD SPIRITS WITHIN

23 DRAGON CAN’T SAVE SECOND ‘HOBBIT’

By John DeVore We now have nearly six hours of dwarves battling orcs and spiders, lots of running and climbing and stumbling through the picturesque landscape of Middle Earth, and one giant deep-voiced dragon.

chattanoogapulse.com • december 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 3

Enjoy the holidays with our great selection of wine, spirits & high gravity beer.

BOWL

THE

chattanooga’s weekly alternative NEWS • COMMENTARY • BULLETINS & PUSH NOTIFICATIONS AT DIAL-UP SPEED facebook/chattanoogapulsE • TWITTER @CHATTAPULSE EMAIL LOVE LETTERS, ADVICE & TRASH TALK TO INFO@CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

AVA plus Habitat

Call for Artists to ReFORM “For the holidays you can’t beat home sweet home.” Every year the lyrics of this holiday song bring joy to the hearts of many, and thanks to the effort of Habitat For Humanity of Greater Chattanooga, a few more of our city's citizens are able to identify with this Christmas jingle. As of October 2013, Habitat for Humanity of Greater Chattanooga has built 246 houses for families in need. Although the amount of homes built is quantifiable, the positive impact of their work on the community is immeasurable. Habitat for Humanity of Greater Chattanooga is working to help build a better community—and now they are calling all artists

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4 • The Pulse • december 19-25 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

to help.

Habitat for Humanity of Greater Chattanooga and new partner AVA are seeking artists’ submissions for ReFORM, an exhibit centered on the theme of home and Habitat’s mission to bring people together to build homes and communities.

Interested artists should submit a proposal for an original work of art created utilizing repurposed materials, including materials from Habitat’s ReStore. Habitat for Humanity of Greater Chattanooga proclaims ReStore to be the Scenic City’s “best-kept secret.” Since 2004, they

have been making sure unwanted home goods and building materials find homes in the community (instead of the landfill), while generating funds that support Habitat for Humanity of Greater Chattanooga Area’s work. Proposals will be evaluated on their artistic merit, craftsmanship, percentage of repurposed ReStore materials utilized, and adherence to theme and mission.

Any artists interested in submitting their work must do so by Jan. 10. For more information visit, avarts.org/artistresources/call-to-artists/ or contact Lauren Goforth, education and exhibitions director, at lgoforth@avarts.org or (423) 265-4282, ext.105.

— Keith King Vanguard Conference 2014

Hello, Young Leaders!

For the first time, the Next City will host a Vanguard Conference in a Southern city—and that city just happens to be Chattanooga. From April 24-26, 2014, 40 leaders under age 40 from around the country will converge on the Noog for presentations, workshops, tours and other activities. Applications for the conference are being accepted until February 14, 2014.

Vanguard is an annual urban leadership forum that gathers some of the best and brightest young leaders working to improve cities in areas including urban planning, community development, entrepreneurship, government, transportation, sustainability, design, art and media.

Past Vanguards have gone on to work for the Obama administration, hold municipal office, start their own businesses, and climb the ranks of think tanks such as The Brookings Institution and the Urban Institute, and philanthropies such as ArtPlace and the Surdna Foundation.

For more information about applying, visit nextcity.org/vanguard — Staff

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LIST

THE

pulse » PICKS

• A curated weekly selection of picks from the Chattanooga Live and Arts & Entertainment calendars by Pulse staffers.

THU12.19

FRI12.20

PLAYING WITH BLOCKS

REDNECK & PROUD

Holiday ‘Block’ Party with artist Scott Hill

Big Ed Caylor

• "I try to present images that the viewer can relate to and interact with. I feel that by giving less information, I can sometimes say more. " 5 p.m. • River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033, river-gallery.com

• The self-styled "Mayor of Ooltewah" brings his roadtested blue-collar comedy back home for a pre-Christmas weekend extravaganza of a holiday homecoming.

7:30, 9 p.m. • The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233, thecomedycatch.com

HOWLING WOLF

SALUTE THE COLONEL

Leticia Wolf

Col. Bruce Hampton

• Leticia has been called: A female version of Johnny Cash, a grunge-rocker grown-up, a songwriter with the stories of old country and the vocal phrasing of modern indie… a performer that stays true to her southern roots.

9 p.m. • Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644, rhythm-brews.com

• Of all the words one could use to describe the sound (and career) of Atlanta-based Col. Bruce Hampton, "surreal" is the one that best suits the impossible-to-describe man and his music.

10 p.m. • JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-1400, jjsbohemia.com

Santa Claus Conquers SAT12.21 the Martians (on TV)

HOLIDAY CLASSICS I Sweet Georgia Sound

FLASH! FLASH! FLASH! Sighted in the greater Chattanooga area: a large brown beast, with cloven hooves and the horns of a goat. This devilish brute is thought to be Krampus, a creature from the folklore of Alpine countries, on the prowl for naughty children hoping to punish their mischief. Who can stop this fiend from imposing his dastardly will? Perhaps Dr. Shock, Nurse Goodbody and Dingbat will find a way to stop him!

On Dec. 21 at midnight, the cast and crew of Shock Theatre will air its fourth episode.

This edition of the quirky show’s storied life will present “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians,” in high definition—

and has a back-story of an epic battle between Krampus and Santa Claus.

This is the fourth installment in which Jack Gray, who portrays Dr. Shock, and the cast and crew of Shock Theatre revamp and re-air the infamous horror-hosting program on a local station. WDEF Channel 12 has stepped up to the plate and given Shock Theatre the platform to project its eccentricity over the airwaves once again.

Episode Four is a full twohour program with skits, original music, movie facts, and even a toy segment. Make sure to tune in a get a healthy dose of shock from the Doctor.

— Keith King

• The 20-member ensemble brings their Big Band swing and dance music to the Holiday Market with a selection of holiday standards.

1 p.m. • Holiday Market, Chattanooga Convention Center, 1 Carter Plaza. chattanoogamarket.com

HOLIDAY CLASSICS II CSO: “Home For the Holidays” • Celebrate the holidays “Through a Child’s Eyes” in this family-friendly musical tradition, including “Sleigh Ride,” “Skater’s Waltz,” “March of the Toys,” “Polar Express,” and “A Charlie Brown Christmas.”

7:30 p.m. • Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5156, chattanoogasymphony.org

chattanoogapulse.com • december 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 7

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8 • The Pulse • december 19-25 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

“

“Ah, happiness courts the light so we deem the world is gay. But misery hides aloof so we deem that misery there is none.”

— Herman Melville, Bartleby, the Scrivener

Halothane.

That's what had been used to render the young girl unconscious. Age 15 and beautiful, her whole life ahead of her, and she had been found piece by piece in submerged chunks of concrete in a creek on Christmas Day. Giftwrapped, now that I thought about it.

"Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad," I thought to myself. "Here's a gift that keeps on giving: Emotional scarring that will fester for the rest of your lives due to the end of your daughter’s." And here was my present, a roomtemperature glass of peppermint schnapps, picked intentionally for both its horsepower and my inability to drink much of the horrible stuff. What was I going to do on a night like this, though? NOT drink? Please.

The few people around me at the bar who may have recognized me assumed I’d stopped in here for the same reason everyone else did: The bartender was hotter than the cherry on a cigarette, but only she and I knew the real reason. I only showed up here on the nights I was looking for an abrasive sponge for the temporal lobe of my brain, and she provided such without a word. It was the silence I sought, not the stimulation. I could only assume she appreciated my own silence for different reasons, but really, what did I care? I didn't even have to order the drinks, they just appeared like magic. It was that or employee assistance, and only one of those made me drunk. Tough choice for the cynic.

The story of the Halothane Girl was actually from a year ago, another chapter in the story I was being forced to read in my head hour after hour, year after year.

I still saw the crude pieces of concrete just below the surface of the frigid water, made visible in an otherwise visually impenetrable lake when TVA placed it at "low bowl" during the winter months. Things once submerged seven and eight feet deep were now nearly exposed to open air even in the creek beds of our fair city.

Someone foolish enough to fish in this creek used the apparent random chunks of concrete as steppingstones—until one cracked beneath his rubberbooted foot, and its hidden treasure was released: In this case, a young girl's partially decomposed upper thorax. In my case, another brick in the wall of unsolicited nightmares.

"I know you," said a voice to my left. Some kid must've pulled up the stool next to me while I was journeying down memory lane. I said nothing.

"Yeah. You're the cop from TV." I smiled slightly and shook my head in an attempt to politely wave him off. Nothing doing.

"From that thing, that shooting at the storage unit place. Right?" he continued, unable to take a hint.

He was right, of course. How does this happen? "It happens," I muttered to myself, "because I don't drink enough." The confusing response worked: He paused.

"Hey, man. What are you even doing here? That was just last night, wasn't it?" Such a stupid question. Of course it was.

"Aren't you guys supposed to get counseling or something?"

What the shit do you think I'm doing now? I said to myself.

"Yes," I responded to him. “I did.

I'm cool, just on the way home."

My new fan paused, allowing my guardian angel bartendress to intervene. "Can I get you something else, hon?" she said to him with a tone that can only be conveyed by someone who deals with drunks for a living even more frequently than I. ”No," the kid said. I wouldn't bet money that he had gotten the memo, but he definitely changed his demeanor and begin to back off. Now that I thought about it, he didn't even look that young anymore.

He was right, of course. I'd answered a suspicious person call at a storage unit facility the night before and encountered someone leaving as I arrived. I stopped them to make sure everything was kosher, and all appeared outgoing and well until I noticed the woman in the passenger seat of the black Ford F150 pickup in question staring forward, jaw rigid and sweat trickling down her face despite the incredibly low temperatures, and her right hand was trying to bury its nails into the armrest. My eyes moved from these clues back to the eyes of the driver about the time his smile turned to a frown and he opened his door with his left hand to knock me back as his right hand went for his belt. I fell back on purpose, and drew my own weapon as I did so, taking aim as I—

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"Hey," an old man to my right said.

"You've got red on you," he said, pointing at my stomach as he interrupted my thought. I looked down and saw a stain appearing on my shirt beneath my leather jacket, fairly dark red and spreading like an oil-rig fire across my chest and down my stomach. What the hell?

“

I hated Christmas, positively despised it, but she was always there for me, now that I thought about it...always there when I needed her, never judging, never biased, just professional.

I backed my legs around the top of the circular barstool to step back away from it, and I hit the ground ass-first as my legs grew weak and a chill stuck me that was at least as bad as the wind chill from my car to the pub’s door in the freezing night earlier.

I placed my open right hand on my stomach and heard a wet slap as I did so, pulling the hand away as quickly as I had placed it there to examine the coating of blood on my palm, transferred there from what was once a relatively clean T-shirt. Shit.

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As I lay there on my ass and elbows, hand full of blood and feeling stupid, I looked up and there was the black F150 again, the driver raising the business end of a pistol up over the base of the window, jaw muscles now rigid in anticipation and index finger being obscured first by the trigger guard, then a flash of light. He was shooting.

When I went down in the scene earlier, my gun cleared leather on the trip down and I did not wait for my ass to hit the ground before I started firing at the threat. I shot once, twice, then more as I raised the pistol forward between our faces, and before it was over the flashes seemed like an accidental glance at a fresh sunrise and I couldn't see for a few seconds...then it was over. I was on the floor of the bar instead of a parking lot, my shirt clean again but my confidence soiled in its place. I must have fallen or slipped.

After all, I wasn't crazy or anything.

I'd been re-certified sane by a professional just hours before.

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My hand went back to my chest and I was happily surprised to see there was no blood there, just the chill and spearmint odor of Rumple Minze where it spilled upon me during my now-unexplained descent.

I awkwardly crawled back up to an upright position to resume my seat, and began to question how much time had

10 • The Pulse • december 19-25 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

passed since I slipped because both the young guy and the old guy were no longer at the bar on either side of me. There was just the bartender, and she was clearly leaving as well because she'd put on a long black coat with a hood.

"Relax," she said. "tonight's on me," she said, pulling my bar tab back across the counter towards her with long, slender fingers. "Go home."

I muttered a thank you as I begin to back away, never really having gotten back onto my stool in the first place. "Think nothing of it," she said. "You're my favorite customer. I'll see you soon enough."

And with that she smiled, and her teeth seemed to stretch from one side of her jaw to the other, her lips nearly disappearing, a feat so distracting I barely saw a bug drop out of the sleeve of her coat as she placed my check under the counter. Another beer and a Rumple

for the road home on the house. Such a strange place to find such comfort.

I hated Christmas, positively despised it, but she was always there for me, now that I thought about it. Cold and unreachable to some, even frightening to others as the young man earlier may attest to on some level he probably couldn’t explain, but always there when I needed her, never judging, never biased, just professional.

The bar was now empty, but I paused for a few seconds, then slowly sat back down as the lights were dimmed further. She’d be back.

She was never far from me.

I reached towards my chest without looking, and slowly massaged the area I thought I’d been shot in during the hallucination and began thinking back to the girl I’d found last year, gift wrapped in concrete for her parents and...

She was never far from me either, I supposed.

The lights dimmed further and further.

TerraMae Appalachian Therapy Our Version of Happy Hour—Every Tues.–Thurs. from 4:30 to 7 pm PINTS AND PORKERS FOR $5 TUESDAYS Get a fresh pint of locally brewed beer and a braised pork wing appetizer created by our chef for $5!

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Exclusively featuring

Music

marc t. michael

Husky Burnette: Bound for the Big Time Real, powerful “Tales from East End Blvd.”

A

DEADLINE IS A MARVELOUS THING. IT FORCES A MAN TO discipline himself, to organize his thoughts and notes and to tackle the work at hand with singlemindedness of purpose in a timely fashion. That is, unless you are THIS man.

For me, a deadline is a thing that hides away in a dark corner, minding its own business—until late in the night before it comes due. That’s when, with all the squealing enthusiasm of a toddler playing peek-a-boo, it boldly proclaims, “Here I am!” The ensuing chaos usually resolves itself in an alarm being set for an ungodly early hour and the coffee pot being set up so that all I have to do is turn on the burner.

I needn’t have bothered this time. The first thing I did after telling the alarm what I thought about its mother was to crank up Husky Burnette’s latest album, and after that the coffee became unnecessary.

A good deal has already been written about Husky and why not? He’s one of the most recognizable figures in Chattanooga music, a perennial player who always seem to have a gig somewhere. Big or small, grand ballroom or greasy spoon, if they’ll let him in the door, Burnette will play there.

When it comes to playing music, he is “the working man.” That being the case, we’re going to dispense with the minutiae.

I don’t know his favorite food or color. (I’d guess beans and cornbread and, I don’t know, periwinkle?) What I do know is that 2013’s Tales from East End Blvd. is a phenomenal collection tunes. It’s no wonder, then, that it has rapidly become

honest music

his most popular and successful offering to date.

Blues can be a tricky genre. As a musical style it is, in its basic form, easy to learn. Almost anyone can do it, which is why almost everyone does at one point or other, and that means that a fellow really has to have some serious chops to stand out. Burnette has the chops.

First and foremost is his voice.

Part Dr. John, part Dr. Teeth, wrapped in a big ol’ Billy Gibbons burrito, Burnette’s voice is what blues is supposed to sound like.

Calling it guttural or growling is watering it down too much; it is raw, real and powerful. It is a voice with character. On tunes like “SeeSaw” and “That Liquor,” it evokes the image of a big man with a permanent scowl plowing 40 sunbaked acres in the Mississippi heat; and while his voice drives the operation, his guitar is the mule pulling the plow— mean, ornery, ready to kick you in the brains given half a chance.

And there you have it, a cheesy metaphor but an accurate description of the relationship between Burnette’s singing and playing; they complement each other so well it’s hard to think of either individually.

He can sing and he can play and for many artists that is enough, but Burnette is a triple threat, bringing considerable lyrical talent to the table as well. It was during his stint as lead guitarist for Roger Alan Wade that Burnette first discovered his own penchant for “the words.”

Arguably it was this tendency that served as the impetus for his own solo

career, one not driven by any particular message or agenda so much as a fervent desire to keep alive an authenticity in music laid down by the likes of Merle Haggard, Guy Clark and Townes Van Zandt.

So, Burnette is a blues-voiced storyteller with a mean guitar, a holy trinity that blazes from the 12 tracks of Tales from East End Blvd. There is depth

here, and range. “Come on Carolina” takes a break from the juke joint and settles in barefoot on the front porch with a languid banjo and harmonies that channel the ghost of Jerry Garcia. Toss in a baying hound dog and the tune would fairly fart magnolias.

It would be remiss to mention the touch of Jerry here and not point out the dash of Jimi Hendrix in “Coonie Hill.” That’s really what makes the album so damned delightful. It is blues, yes, but every tune has some hook, some unexpected nuance that makes the whole package very palate pleasing. There’s no boredom or redundancy here.

I have only one complaint: This album NEEDS to be on vinyl. I mentioned this to Burnette when we spoke. He agreed and said that initially that seemed unlikely, but after 16 weeks and counting as the featured album on i-Tunes Blues the record label is taking notice and it may not be long before the brilliant little blues album comes to a turntable near you.

I don’t often make predictions; that’s a fool’s game generally, but I feel confident in making this one: Tales from East End Blvd. is going to be remembered as the album that made Husky Burnette. The man is on his way to the big time and this is how he’s going to get there. Check it out on Spotify, download it from i-Tunes or best of all, pick up a copy from Burnette himself.

local and regional shows

Jason & The Punknecks, Battlefield Collective [$5] Smooth Hound Smith with Cornbread Killers [$5]

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11am-2am, 7 days a week.

35 Patten Parkway * 423.468.4192 thehonestpint.com * facebook.com/TheHonestPint

chattanoogapulse.com • december 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 13

Chattanooga Live

CHATTANOOGA LIVE MUSIC DECEMBER

19 A GREAT BIG WORLD FRI 5:30p 20 FRI GYPSY RIOT 9:30p 20 SCOTT YOUNGBERG THU 8p 26 THE WRONG WAY FRI 10p 27 VELCRO PYGMIES SAT 10p 28 THAT 90'S SHOW TUE 9p 31 LETICIA WOLF

ONE OF OUR FAVORITE SINGERS

MUSIC CALENDAR Gypsy Riot

Smooth Hound Smith

THU 9p

HITS 96 PRESENTS A FREE SHOWCASE

with AUSTIN NICKELS BAND

OUR SANDBAR BUDDY RETURNS HOME

A TRIBUTE TO SUBLIME

START THE NEW YEAR EARLY with THE POWER PLAYERS

1.3 SLIPPERY WHEN WET: BON JOVI TRIBUTE 1.4 MITCH ROSSELL BAND 1.9 CONCRETE BLONDE

COMING IN JAN

MACHINESARE PEOPLE TOO FRI 10p 10 CHATTANOOGA'S FAVORITE PARTY BAND

THE MACHINE

A PINK FLOYD EXPERIENCE!

SAT 9:30p

11

ALL SHOWS 21+ UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED • NON-SMOKING VENUE

221 MARKET STREET

HOT MUSIC • FINE BEER • GREAT FOOD BUY TICKETS ONLINE • RHYTHM-BREWS.COM

THUrsday 12.19 Bluegrass Music 11 a.m. Poppy’s Smokehouse, 2102 Taft Hwy, Signal Mountain. (423) 305-1936, poppysq.com Pickin’ at the Post 5 p.m. American Legion Post, Highway 11 N. Trenton, GA (423) 582-1337.

Italian Night at the BSG 6 p.m. Broad St. Grille, The Chattanoogan Hotel, 1201 Broad St. (800) 619-0018, chattanooganhotel.com Bluegrass and Country jam 6:30 p.m. Grace Nazarene Church, 6310 Dayton Blvd., Hixson. (423) 842 5919, chattanoogagrace.com Courtney Daly and Ivan Wilson 7 p.m. Bart’s Lakeshore, 5840 Lake Resort Terr.

(423) 870-0777, bartslakeshore.com Jimmy Harris 7 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202.

(423) 499-5055, thepalmsathamilton.com The Loop 7 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956, sugarsribs.com Rustbelt Lights and Carousel Kings 7 p.m. Warehouse Cleveland, 260 2nd St., Cleveland.

James Rogers Annual Christmas Show 7 p.m. Colonnade Center,

14 • The Pulse • december 19-25 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

264 Catoosa Cir, Ringgold, GA (706) 935-9000, colonnadecenter.org Voices Night Out 7 p.m. Creative Arts Guild, 520 W Waugh St, Dalton, GA, (706) 278-0168, creativeartsguild.org Soddy-Daisy Jamboree 7 p.m. Soddy-Daisy Community Center, 9835 Dayton Pk. (423) 332-5323.

Richie Ragsdale 7:30 p.m. The Brew and Cue, 5017 Rossville Blvd.

(423) 867-9402, facebook.com/ TheBrewAndCue Tim Neal and Mike Harris 7:30 p.m. Mexi-Wing VII, 5773 Brainerd Rd. (423) 509-8696, mexiwingviichattanooga.com Smooth Hound Smith, Cornbread Killers, Groovekid 9 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy.

(423) 468-4192, thehonestpint.com Open Mic with Hap Henniger 9 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn). (423) 634-9191, facebook.com/ theofficechatt Leticia Wolf 9 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644, rhythm-brews.com

friday 12.20

Charley Yates 4:30 p.m. Wimpie’s Country Restaurant, 9826 Dayton Pk. (423) 332-6201 Jason Thomas: The Man in Black Tribute 5 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo, Victorian Lounge, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000 choochoo.com Danny Sample/Dave Walters 5 p.m. 212 Market, 212 Market St. (423) 265-1212, 212market.com A Great Big World free showcase 5:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644, rhythm-brews.com Eddie Pontiac 5:30 p.m. El Mason, 2204 Hamilton Pl Blvd.

(423) 894-8726, elmesonrestaurant.com Tim Lewis 5:30 p.m. El Mason Hixson, 248 Northgate Mall.

(423) 710-1201.

Binji Varsossa 6 p.m. Cancun Mexican Restaurant and Lounge, 1809 Broad St. (423) 266-1461, cancunmexicanrest.com The Silver Creek Band 7 p.m. American Legion, 3329 Ringgold Rd. (423) 624-9105.

The Half & Half Band 7 p.m. Troy’s Place, 320 Emerson Dr., Ringgold, GA. (423) 965-8346.

Mountain Opry 8 p.m. Walden’s Ridge Civic Center, 2501 Fairmount Pk. (423) 886-3252 Jimmy Harris 7 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202.

(423) 499-5055, thepalmsathamilton.com Crosstown Traffic 8 p.m. VFW Hall, 3370 N. Ocoee St. Cleveland, (423) 476-8442.

Standing Room Only 8:30 p.m. The Foundry, 1201 Broad St. (423) 756-3400, chattanooganhotel.com Barron Wilson 9 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn). (423) 634-9191, facebook.com/ theofficechatt Skin Deep 9:30 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956, sugarsribs.com Gypsy Riot, Austin Nickels Band 9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644, rhythm-brews.com Col. Bruce Hampton, Medicine Tree 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-1400, jjsbohemia.com Hill Billy Sins 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878, budssportsbar.com

Chattanooga Live

901 Carter St (Inside Days Inn) 423-634-9191

MUSIC CALENDAR

Paul Geremia

Diarrhea Planet

Thursday, December 19: 9pm Open Mic with Hap Henninger Friday, December 20: 9pm Barron Wilson Saturday, December 21: 10pm Amber Fults Tuesday, December 24: 7pm

saturday 12.21 Sweet Georgia Sound 1 p.m. Holiday Market, Chattanooga Convention Center, 1 Carter Plaza. chattanoogamarket.com Sanders Family Christmas 2:30 p.m. Cumberland County Playhouse, 22 Tennessee Ave. (931) 484-5000, ccplayhouse.com Jason Thomas: The Man in Black Tribute 5 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo, Victorian Lounge, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000, choochoo.com Eddie Pontiac 5:30 p.m. El Mason, 2204 Hamilton Pl. Blvd.

(423) 894-8726, elmesonrestaurant.com Tim Lewis 5:30 p.m. El Mason Hixson, 248 Northgate Mall.

(423) 710-1201.

Binji Varsossa 6 p.m. Cancun Mexican Restaurant and Lounge, 1809 Broad St. (423) 266-1461, cancunmexicanrest.com The Hopeful Country Band 7 p.m. Troy’s Place, 320 Emerson Dr., Ringgold, GA. (423) 965-8346.

24/7 Band 7 p.m. Red Clay Pickin' Barn, 1095 Weatherly Switch Rd. SW, Cleveland.

(423) 240-3439, facebook.com/

RedClayPickinBarn Jimmy Harris 7 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202.

(423) 499-5055, thepalmsathamilton.com The Countrymen Band 8 p.m. Eagles Club, 6128 Airways Blvd.

(423) 894-9940.

Taylor & Company 8 p.m. VFW Hall, 1491 Riverside Drive, (423) 624-6687.

Standing Room Only 8:30 p.m. The Foundry, 1201 Broad St. (423) 756-3400, chattanooganhotel.com.

Full Axess 8:30 p.m. American Legion, 227 James Asbury Dr NW, Cleveland.

(423) 476-4451.

Paul Geremia Acoustic Blues Guitar 9 p.m. Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347, barkinglegs.org Soul Survivor 9:30 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956, sugarsribs.com Rubik’s Groove 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644, rhythm-brews.com Diarrhea Planet, No Regrets Coyote, Chad Shivers 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-1400,

jjsbohemia.com Amber Fults 10 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn). (423) 634-9191, facebook.com/theofficechatt Hill Billy Sins 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878, budssportsbar.com

sunday 12.22 Sweet Georgia Sound 1 p.m. Holiday Market, Chattanooga Convention Center, 1 Carter Plaza. chattanoogamarket.com Open Jam Session 5 p.m. Cheap Seats Sports Bar, 2925 Rossville Blvd.

(423) 629-5636.

Evensong 5:30 p.m. The Camp House, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081, thecamphouse.com The Bird and The Bear 7 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy.

(423) 468-4192, thehonestpint.com

monday 12.23 Broad Street Blues Band 5 p.m. Mocha Restaurant & Music Lounge, 511 Broad St. (423) 531-4154, mochajazz.net Monday Night Big Band 6 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202.

(423) 499-5055, thepalmsathamilton.com Men’s Barbershop Harmony Group 7 p.m. All Saints Academy, 10 E. Eighth St. (423) 876-7359.

tuesday 12.24 Tuesday Bluesday 7 p.m. Folk School of Chattanooga, 1200 Mountain Creek Rd., #130.

(423) 827-8906, chattanoogafolk.com Tim Starnes & Friends 7 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956, sugarsribs.com Jim Palmer 7:30 p.m. 1885 Grill, 3914 Saint Elmo Ave. (423) 485-3050, facebook.com/1885Grill Open Mic w/Mike McDade 9 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike.

(423) 266-1996, tremonttavern.com

wednesday 12.25 Happy Holidays from all of us at The Pulse!

Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@ chattanoogapulse.com.

Server/Hotel Appreciation Night $5 Pitchers $2 Wells $1.50 Domestics ●

●

All shows are free with dinner or 2 drinks!

Stop by & check out our daily specials!

Happy Hour: Mon-Fri: 4-7pm $1 10oz drafts, $3 32oz drafts, $2 Wells, $1.50 Domestics, Free Appetizers

Facebook.com/theoffice.chatt

Open for lunch 11am-3pm Thursday-Friday Come enjoy dinner and live entertainment from 5p-11p during our special nights: Monday: Broad Street Blues Band Wednesday: Wine Down Wednesday Thursday: Feel It Thursday with 96¢ cocktails from 5pm-6pm Friday: Jazz | Saturday: Throw Back Night After Party 11pm-3am, 25+ Fri/Sat

Mocha Restaurant & Music Lounge

511 Broad Street, Chattanooga (423) 531-4154 • www.mochajazz.net

chattanoogapulse.com • december 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 15

3 GREAT

STORES IN ONE LOCATION

Between the Sleeves

record reviews • ernie paik

Adding to the White Noise, Sonic Fois Gras Dark Rides’ passion, Dominique’s smolder

gallery

WINDER BINDER bookstore

CHAD’S RECORDS

Dark Rides Walk the Floors (Do Ya Hear We)

C WHERE VINYL

LIVES HOME OF THE

CHATTA-CENTRIC GIFTS FOR CHATTA-RIFFIC PEOPLE

40 FRAZIER AVE.

423.413.8999 MON-SAT 11-7 • SUN 1-6 winderbinder.com

hattanooga has a relatively tight-knit punk community, roughly centered on venues such as Sluggo’s North and Anarchtica and the Do Ya Hear We label. The community spirit has certain advantages for the local punk band, such as providing a somewhat built-in audience, and in the best situations, it allows its members to challenge each other with healthy competition, like a friendly slice of sibling rivalry.

The stirring debut vinyl fulllength from the Chattanooga fivepiece band Dark Rides, entitled Walk the Floors, sticks to the twominute-song power-punk-pop formula with a consistent and unsurprising aesthetic. While the album isn’t groundbreaking, what it does offer is unbridled energy, bursting with vigor and pushing the excitement level to its limit. The opening number “The Fog” also demonstrates the group’s willingness to jam-pack as many hooks as possible into each song, even throwing in ample power-pop vocal “yeah yeah

16 • The Pulse • december 19-25 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

David Dominique Ritual (daviddominique.bandcamp.com) yeah”s and “ahhh”s.

Also underscoring the rampant (yet fruitful) figurative incest of the Chattanooga punk scene, Dark Rides features local notables vocalist Amy Nelson, singer/bassist Eric Nelson (also in the Hidden Spots), guitarists Buddha and Ashley Krey (also in Future Virgins) and Asheville, N.C. drummer Morgan Stickrod (also in Kreamy ‘Lectric Santa).

Lyrically, there’s little obliqueness—it’s just a straight-up passionately turbulent river of thoughts, honest and earnest without being snarky or preachy.

The liner notes offer a reproduction of hand-written lyrics, with one key sentence in each song written in purple, as if to capture each song’s essence in one concentrated notion. For “Graveyard Shift,” it’s “Jaded before your prime”; for “Hereafter,” it’s “You’re not alone in the fight.”

While the album is agitated and energized, there’s also a feeling of comfort conveyed through the songs, sung in first person, implicitly offering commisera-

tion. Perhaps the most biting track is “Modern Glory,” which contemplates feelings of relevance and insignificance, singing, “You’re pissing in the ocean” and asking, “Did you spend your life just adding to the white noise?”

While Walk the Floors doesn’t cover new sonic territory, it excels with its brisk, charged delivery and unfiltered, gushing wordstream.

T

hink of the word “ritual” and a picture of some exotic, primitive culture might come to mind, with some high-energy dance around a fire pit on some faraway island. Closer to home, rituals are not uncommon, such as weddings or funerals, and it’s easy to forget that rituals exist for a purpose: for highly emotional milestones, rituals provide structure to proceedings as a way to move things along and let people focus on emotions.

These ideas are evoked when listening to Somerville, Mass. composer David Dominique’s album Ritual, which offers intri-

cately carved arrangements and compositions that inspire fiery performances from his ensemble.

Dominique’s octet suggests a way-left-of-center big-band jazz sound with a tight, lean group; however, while in big band settings, personalities can be lost, Dominique allows his players to express individuality, coaxing performances that are both vivid and personal.

The listener may be struck by how raw—yet not crude—the album sounds, and it avoids sounding sterile while being an articulated, professional recording; its sonic details bring a heightened realism, from the clicking of brass valves to the analog tape ambience, itself a statement in the digital age.

“Big Boned’d Jim” comes out swinging with its ride-cymbal tapping and restless bass movement, but it subverts the notion of it being a typical jazz album with transitions before things get too cozy; this is a common technique on Ritual, with “Mulatto Shuffle” ending with a friendly swing that accelerates and dissolves swiftly. “Golden Retriever” has the mournful lumber of a New Orleans street funeral, with acutely expressive gliding violin melodies from Eric KM Clark, and the inclusion of “Ritual 2 Dirge” (and the liner notes dedication “In loving memory of Philip Dominique”) indicate a theme of grief.

However, the wilder episodes, like “Drunk Hump” which features the requisite free-jazz freakout and tiny blasts, with baritone saxophonist Gavin Templeton’s decadently rich, sonic foie gras, and “Ritual 4 / Release” with choreographed outbursts and pounding rock-influenced drumming, are balanced with the smoldering, unhurried moments on Ritual, making it both compositional and emotionally complex.

Pilgrim Congregational Church

(UCC)

Christmas Eve Service Traditional carols and readings Tuesday, December 24 at 7:00 p.m.

Learn more about our mission and activities at pilgrim-church.com

Sunday Worship 11am 400 Glenwood Drive at 3rd Street (423) 698-5682

D O O F D O O G FAMOUS

• Cold Beer • Southern-Style Bar Food • Great Wings & much more

TRIVIA EVERY THURSDAY HAPPY HOUR

UNTIL 7PM MON - FRIDAY T & SUN HAPPY HOUR ALL DAY SA

your home away from home for the holdidays OPEN CHRISTAMS DAY

5pm-3am

OPEN NEW YEAR’S EVE

11am-3am

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NDAY GRILLED FRESH EVERY MO KARAOKE EVERY TUESDAY

LIVE MUSIC

neighborhood pub =

OPEN NEW YEAR’S DAY

ILLED WINGS DOUG KELLER FAMOUS GR

TO CLOSE EVERY WEDNESDAY 7PM

chattanooga's

SERVING THE REAL HAIR OF THE DOG BRUNCH 11AM-2:30PM 3658 Ringgold Road East Ridge, TN 423.867.1351 /MagoosTN Join the online conversation and keep up with all the latest specials and more.

Seasonal beers and infusions to compliment

local weekly food specials

4th&Market HAIROFTHEDOGPUB.NET 423.265.4615 www.facebook.com/HairoftheDogPub

chattanoogapulse.com • december 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 17

D O O F D O O G S FAMOU

• Cold Beer • Southern-Style Bar Food • Great Wings & much more

presents

ILLED WINGS DOUG KELLER FAMHOUEVSERGR Y MONDAY

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GRILLED FRES KARAOKE EVERY TUESDAY

LIVE MUSIC TO CLOSE EVERY WEDNESDAY 7PM TRIVIA EVERY THURSDAY

3658 Ringgold Road East Ridge, TN 423.867.1351 /MagoosTN

HAPPY HOUR

Join the online conversation and keep up with all the latest specials and more.

Proudly Presents…

CHATTANOOGA, TN

UNTIL 7PM MON - FRIDAY T & SUN HAPPY HOUR ALL DAY SA

Proudly Presents…

NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY Biggest Party in Chattanooga Show @ 11pm $10 Cover

HAPPY HOUR

Nightly 5-8pm $3 Wells $2 Domestic Beers

Doors open @ 8pm We proudly feature Smirnoff Vodka in our Wells with a Rainbow of Flavors

JOIN US EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT FOR KARAOKE THURSDAY-SUNDAY • 5PM-3AM

5917 LEE HIGHWAY • 423.855.8210

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The The

UTCRACKER N NUTCRACKER

November 16, Saturday, 2013 November 6:30pm to 16, 11:00pm 2013 6:30pm to 11:00pm r Ballroom, Sheraton Silver Read Ballroom, House Sheraton Read House

met Seated Dinner Gourmet Dancing Seated Wine Dinner Dancing Wine Live & SilentCash Auction Live Semi-formal & SilentAttire Auction Semi-formal Attire Bar

Honorees DECEMBER include Special Mayor Legacy Andy Honorees include & JuliaMayor Sanford.

Andy & Julia22, Sanford.

20, 7:30 PMBerke • DECEMBER 21, 2:00 PM •Berke DECEMBER 2:00 PM Hayes Concert Hall • UTC Fine Arts CenterBox re information: www.BalletTennessee.org For more information: www.BalletTennessee.org Office: 423-425-4269 • www.utc.edu/finearts nna VanCura: Anna@BalletTennessee.org Email Anna VanCura: Anna@BalletTennessee.org For more information: To make a reservation: To make awww.BalletTennessee.org reservation: Tickets On Sale: DECEMBER 2nd 23) 821-2055 FAX: (423) (423)821-2156 821-2055 FAX: (423) 821-2156 YOUTH & FAMILY DEVELOPMENT

YOUTH & FAMILY DEVELOPMENT

18 • The Pulse • december 19-25 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

SHOWS

» FRI & SAT@MIDNIGHT • SUN@11PM

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Arts

janis hashe

Dancing into the Winter Solstice Gesserit Spice and friends will warm up Barking Legs this Friday

T

OO MANY RE-RUNS OF “A CHRISTMAS Carol" and “It’s A Wonderful Life” got you saying, “bah humbug?” We may have just the thing to put some shimmy in your holidays.

For thousands of years, mankind has recognized and celebrated the winter solstice, the time when in the northern hemisphere, the season begins to turn towards rebirth. For us this year, the solstice will actually occur at 12:11 p.m. on Saturday, Dec. 21. But you can celebrate the solstice eve at Barking Legs on Friday, Dec. 20 with a unique event created by tribal fusion belly dance troupe Gesserit Spice, along with quite a few of their friends.

“The Wheel of the Year: Exploring the Seasons Through the Performing Arts” will honor traditions and folklore of the eight ancient Sabbats of the European pagan calendar, including Winter Solstice, Spring Equinox and the Witch’s New Year through belly dance, poetry and music.

Previous Gesserit Spice shows have “focused on individual performances connected to a particular deity,” says Gesserit Spice’s Eliza Luminara. “This show will have an open focus on spirituality and its connection to the roots of these traditions.”

Gesserit Spice will perform both group and solo dances, as will Mirabai Belly Dance troupe and renowned belly dancer Paulina Fay will also perform. Spoken-word/poets Marcus Ellsworth and Melinda Brown are creating pieces for the event, says Luminara and folk songs associated with the Wheel of the Year will be performed.

The tribal fusion dance style is still not widely understood in the West, says Luminara, where most still associate

“

belly dance with “a kind of cabaret/Hollywood performance that sexually objectifies women.” Tribal fusion, in contrast, is inspired by the dances of nomadic tribal cultures and was originally danced by women for women. “Inspired” is the key word, Luminara emphasizes. “We research and study what individual cultures do, and we end up taking from each of them and fusing the elements together.

We don’t say that our dances are exactly what a traditional folk dance would look like.”

When the tribal fusion style began evolving in the United States in the ’60s and ’70s, “it was focused on the isolations of the body, while movement on and around the stage was limited,” Luminara writes on the Gesserit Spice website.

“Now it has taken a life of its own, bringing beautiful locomotive moves to interact with the audience while dazzling with creative costumes. Antique pieces and vintage goods are what make up a TF belly dancer’s costume. We do love our tribal coins and pendants! Our dance bras and tops typically have the midriff exposed, are handmade, and sometimes flair a belly drape of chain with coins and/or pendants.

We honor the female body by adornment and give support to our sisters (and a few brothers!) in dance with community.”

Luminara acknowledges that the dance traditions of generations are endangered in some parts of the world, such as Afghanistan. “We are trying to help these traditions live on,” she says.

“The Wheel of the Year” will be the final Chattanooga performance for Gesserit Spice as a troupe, because Luminara is moving to New England to be closer to her family, and she will take the Gesserit Spice name with her. However, she promises that remaining members of the group will continue to perform, keeping the tribal beat drumming at Barking Legs and other venues.

‘The Wheel of the Year’ will honor traditions and folklore of the eight ancient Sabbats of the European pagan calendar.”

Holiday Cheer On Sale Now!

We will meet or beat any advertised price in Chattanooga!

Gift Sets Available:

Jack Daniels Crown Royal Bailey's Disaronno And many more in store holiday specials!

Smirnoff 1.75L • $17.99 Pinnacle 1.75L • $17.99 Crown Royal Maple 1.75L • $39.99 Dewars 1.75L • $35.97 Glenmorangie 1.75L • $62.99 Kahlua 1.75L • $29.99 Bailey's 1.75L • $33.49 Korbel 750ML • $8.88 Freixenet 750ML • $9.77 Egg Nog While Supplies Last!

Where the Liquor is Cheap & the Entertainment is Free

“The Wheel of the Year: Exploring the Seasons Through the Performing Arts,” 8 p.m. Dec. 20. Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave., (423) 624-5347, barkinglegs. org. $12 advance, $15 at door. chattanoogapulse.com • december 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 19

Come join the fun tonight!

Nightly from 6-9 pm at Rock City · Open Christmas Night · Closed Christmas Eve ·

Arts & Entertainment Ballet Tennessee's "The Nutcracker"

THUrsday 12.19

for more info call 706.820.2531

See RockCity.com

EVENTS CALENDAR

Go Figure 10 a.m. Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View, (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org “The Best Christmas Pageant Ever” 11:15 a.m. Cumberland County Playhouse, 221 Tennessee Ave. (931) 484-5000, ccplayhouse.com Third Thursday CSO Lunchtime Concert Series 11:30 a.m. Warehouse Row, 1110 Market Street, (423) 267-1127.

Ooltewah Farmers Market 3 p.m. Ooltewah Nursery & Landscape Co., 5829 Main St. (423) 238-9775, ooltewahnursery.com “Holiday ‘Block’ Party with artist Scott Hill” 5 p.m. River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033, river-gallery.com String Theory 6 p.m. Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View, (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org Sacred Harp Singing 7 p.m. St. Elmo Fire Hall, 4501 St. Elmo Ave. (423) 827-8906.

“Flying Brushes Art Show” Open Arms Care art exhibit 7 p.m. Chattannoga State Community College, 4501 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 697-3246, chattanoogastate.edu

20 • The Pulse • december 19-25 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

Big Ed Caylor

Mid-South Band 7 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5156, chattanooga.gov Nativity 7 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Ter., East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, artsychattanooga.com “A Christmas Story: The Musical!”

7 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534, theatrecentre.com “Christmas with the Metropolitan Bells” 7:30 p.m. Brainerd Baptist Church, 300 Brookfield Ave. “Short Attention Span Theatre” 7:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga, 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 987-5141.

Big Ed Caylor 7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233, thecomedycatch.com

friday 12.20 Go Figure 10 a.m. Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View.

(423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org CSO In the Community 12:30 p.m. St. Paul’s Episcopal Church, 305 W. 7th St. (423) 266-8195, stpaulschatt.org Snowman 2 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Ter., East Ridge. (423) 321-2317,

artsychattanooga.com “Mystery of the Nightmare Office Party” 7 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839, funnydinner.com Van Gogh Deer 7 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Ter., East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, artsychattanooga.com Ballet Tennessee’s “The Nutcracker” 7:30 p.m. UTC Fine Arts Center, Vine & Palmetto Sts. (423) 425-4269, utc.edu/finearts “Short Attention Span Theatre” 7:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga, 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 987-5141.

Big Ed Caylor 7:30, 9 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233, thecomedycatch.com “The Wheel of the Year; Exploring the Seasons through the Performing Arts” 8 p.m. Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347, barkinglegs.org “A Christmas Story, The Musical!”

8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534, theatrecentre.com Stand-Up Comedy: Mike Stanley 9:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839, funnydinner.com

saturday 12.21 Figure Painting Marathon 10 a.m. Townsend Atelier, 201 W. Main St., Suite 107.

(423) 266-2712, townsendatelier.com Parent’s Day Out Drop-N-Shop 11 a.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Ter., East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, artsychattanooga.com Chattanooga Holiday Market 11 a.m. Chattanooga Convention Center, 1 Carter Plaza, chattanoogamarket.com Chattanooga Balet presents “The Nutcracker” 2 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5156, chattanooga.gov “A Christmas Story, The Musical!”

2:30, 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534, theatrecentre.com “Mystery of Flight 138” 5:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839, funnydinner.com “Another Story LIVE” 7 p.m. The Camp House, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081, thecamphouse.com Walking Bridge 7 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Ter., East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, artsychattanooga.com Big Ed Caylor

Arts & Entertainment

Mike Stanley

7, 9 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233, thecomedycatch.com CSO: “Home For the Holidays” 7:30 p.m Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5156, chattanoogasymphony.org “Short Attention Span Theatre” 7:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga, 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 987-5141.

“Changed” 7:30 p.m Tennessee Valley Theatre, 184 West Jackson Ave. (423) 365-7529, tennesseevalleytheatre.com Ballet Tennessee’s “The Nutcracker” 7:30 p.m. UTC Fine Arts Center, Vine & Palmetto Sts. (423) 425-4269, utc.edu/finearts “Mystery of The Facebook Fugitive” 8 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839, funnydinner.com Stand-Up Comedy: Mike Stanley 10:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839, funnydinner.com

sunday 12.22 Chattanooga Holiday Market 11 a.m. Chattanooga Convention Center,

NOW OPEN!

EVENTS CALENDAR

1 Carter Plaza. chattanoogamarket.com “A Christmas Story, The Musical!”

2:30 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534, theatrecentre.com CSO: “Home for the Holidays” 3 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5156, chattanoogasymphony.org “Short Attention Span Theatre” 7:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga, 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 987-5141.

Big Ed Caylor 7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233, thecomedycatch.com Ballet Tennessee’s “The Nutcracker” 7:30 p.m. UTC Fine Arts Center, Vine & Palmetto Sts. (423) 425-4269, utc.edu/finearts

monday 12.23 Abstract Poinsettias 5:30 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Ter., East Ridge.

(423) 321-2317, artsychattanooga.com

tuesday 12.24 Santa Express 1, 3 p.m. Blue Ridge Scenic Railway, 241 Depot St.

CSO: "Home For The Holidays"

(877) 413-8724, brscenic.com

wednesday 12.25 Christmas Brunch on the Bluff 11 a.m. Back Inn Café, 412 E. Second St. (423) 265-5033, bluffviewartdistrict.com

ongoing “Meditations: New Work by Scott Hillard & Steve Olszewski” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Mon-Sat, 1 - 5 p.m. Sun. River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033, river-gallery.com “Members Exhibit” 11 a.m. - 5 p.m. Tues.- Sat. AVA Gallery, 30 Frazier Ave. (423) 265-4282, avarts.org “Baubles, Bangles & Beads” 11 a.m. - 6 p.m., Mon-Sat, 1 - 5 p.m. Sun. In-Town Gallery, 26A Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9214, intowngallery.com “Harmony & Hostility” art exhibit by John McLeod 10 a.m. Mon-Fri. St. Paul’s Episcopal Church, 305 W. 7th St. (423) 266-8195, stpaulschatt.org “Fine Art Landscapes” Reflections Gallery, 6922 Lee Hwy.

(423) 892-3072, reflectionsgallerytn.com “Go Figure: Selections from the Permanent Collection” Hunter Museum, 10 Bluff View.

(423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org The Gallery at Blackwell Winter Show and Sale 8 a.m. Gallery at Blackwell, 71 Eastgate Loop. (423) 894-7112 Rock City Raptors 11 a.m. - 3 p.m. Fri-Sat, 11 a.m. - 3 p.m.

Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mtn, Ga. seerockcity.com Rock City’s Enchanted Garden of Lights Mon-Fri 6 p.m. - 9 p.m.

Rock City Gardens, 271 Chattanooga Valley Rd. (706) 820-2531, seerockcity.com Holidays Under the Peaks Daily. Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (800) 262-0695, tnaqua.org Gingerbread House Workshops Daily. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738.

Chattanooga Ghost Tours 9 p.m. nightly. The Little Curiosity Shoppe, 138 Market St. (423) 821-7125, chattanoogaghosttours.co

Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@ chattanoogapulse.com.

Fri. & Sat. nights in December.

• Holiday Tour • Falling Snow • • Live Music • Carriage Rides • RubyFalls.com

chattanoogapulse.com • december 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 21

BAR | GRILL | BILLIARDS | DARTS | NIGHTCLUB | LIVE MUSIC

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RESERVE YOUR SEAT NOW FOR ONLY $10!

5709 LEE HIGHWAY, CHATTANOOGA, TN • 423-521-2966 • OPEN: 6PM-3AM DAILY • 21 AND UP

WWW.CHATTAZOOGA.COM 22 • The Pulse • december 19-25 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

Saving Mobile Lives

Even the Dragon Can’t Save Second ‘Hobbit’

1906 Gunbarrel Rd. 423-486-1668

Constant action, little story in ‘Desolation of Smaug’

W

ITH THE ADDITION OF “THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION of Smaug” to the “Hobbit” trilogy, we now have nearly six hours of dwarves battling orcs and spiders, lots of running and climbing and stumbling through the picturesque landscape of Middle Earth, and one giant deep-voiced dragon performed by Benedict Cumberbatch.

The book original is around 320 pages or so, depending on the print, and an average reader could likely findevore ish reading the story before final scenes of the second chapter of the film trilogy soar into view on the big screen. Suffice to say, “The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug” has an inordinate amount of extraneous minutiae not found in the source—Jackson has evidently pulled as much background material from other sources such as “The Silmarillion” as from the original story, in a desperate attempt to pad the movies into three chapters.

Neither film resembles the story I remember from my childhood. For a film entitled “The Hobbit,” Bilbo Baggins seems to have taken a backseat to the more colorful, more action-packed characters that were popular in the original “Lord of the Rings” trilogy. The result is a fairy tale without whimsy, without song, and without consequence.

“The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug” picks up where the first film left off, in which we follow a company of 12 dwarves with names like Fili and Kili, Bofur and Bombur, Dasher and Dancer, and Prancer and Vixen. Of course, bringing up the rear is our sup-

Screen john

posed hero, Bilbo, the hobbit who stole the One Ring that will later be passed to his nephew Frodo, the hero of “The Fellowship of the Ring.”

The dwarves are on their way to the Lonely Mountain to recover their lost kingdom from a deadly dragon named Smaug. The first film teased the awakening of the dragon, and here we are finally introduced to the giant flying lizard, which features a booming voice and a belly that glows red before it breathes fire. The climax of the film (which doesn’t have much in the way of rising or falling action, choosing instead to run at a frantic pace throughout) features a full confrontation between the dwarves and the dragon.

The book, of course, has an invisible Bilbo sneaking into the dragon hoard, having a conversation with the dragon, and then sneaking back out, but Peter Jackson and crew couldn’t stomach such a banal sequence, so they inserted yet another Indiana Jones-like chase through the underground mines of the dwarves.

The easiest way to describe this film is to call it “busy.” The audience is given no opportunity to catch its breath—the company is chased from one side of the screen to the other constantly. At times it’s like watching an episode of “Scooby Doo.” The dwarves run in one door being

(Next to GiGi’s Cupcakes) cellphonerepair.com/chattanooga chased by elves only to be chased by orcs out another, accompanied by a swelling orchestral score rather than 1970’s pop tunes.

Jackson also shoehorns in popular characters from the previous trilogy, dropping Orlando Bloom into the cast to reprise Legolas. He does amazing things and foreshadows later (earlier?) events like the meeting of Gimli. All of this is unnecessary. One or two of the more attractive dwarves get some cursory characterization, a hint of a love story between dwarf and elf, but very little time is spent in character development.

There is no time to create meaningful characters when there’s so much CGI to plan. The film might as well be animated—many of the scenes are cut together and real character interaction is slim to none. Where the “Lord of Rings” trilogy had a good balance of realism with rendered graphics, “The Hobbit” has swung too far in the wrong direction.

Of course, much like the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, it’s hard to judge the entire series without seeing the final chapter. These three films are really meant to be one work. The excessive length of “The Hobbit” is an example of the cynical, money-driven, exploitation of Tolkien enthusiasts.

There is a built-in audience for these films, who will see them regardless of quality. Slap on an additional charge for 3D and the film is a guaranteed blockbuster.

Mountains of gold await Warner Brothers and company with every release. They should be careful, however.

Too much gold attracts dragons.

M-F 10am-7pm Sat: 11a-4pm Closed Sunday

East Town Antiques

Looking for the old, the unusual and the unique? Look to EAST TOWN ANTIQUES to show you the really unusual values in the oldest and most unique antique merchandise.

Conveniently located at 6511 Slater Rd, Suite 102 in East Ridge, this shop maintains a tremendous stock of valuables from many periods in history.

From art objects to furniture...from crystal to primitives...from memoraibilia to mainiatures...this shop has it all!

Open Daily: 10am - 6 pm facebook.com/easttownantiquestn VENDOR SPACE AVAILABLE (423) 899-5498

chattanoogapulse.com • december 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 23

HUge blowoUt sale on all mercHandise!

deep discoUnts on all clotHing! cHattanooga’s largest selection of cold weatHer gear learn to ski and snowboard on

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tHe inVestment of a lifetime!

THE PERFECT HOLIDAY GIFT: STURM HAUS GIFT CARDS (and look what just came in)

THE STURM HAUS STAINLESS STEEL BRAULER & KOOZIE

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423.892.6767•dodgecityski.com 24 • The Pulse • december 19-25 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

50% OFF DIAMONDS through December 30th 1120 HOUSTON STREET, SUITE 120 423-648-1120

WRIGHT JEWELERS 6311 E. Brainerd Rd Chattanooga www.wrightjeweler.com

423.499.0569

For the nature and animal lover on your list, you won’t do better than a subscription to the Chattanooga Arboretum & Nature Center’s Red Wolf Club. At levels from $25 to $500 (this one also includes a behind-thescenes red wolf feeding), there’s something for every wallet…and all include the Red Wolf e-letter.

(423) 821-1160, chattanooganaturecenter.org

2013

Holiday

Shopping

The Hunter has a hotly anticipated exhibit opening in February, “African American Art: Harlem Renaissance, Civil Rights Era, and Beyond.” Now’s the time to give a membership…oh, and BTW, their gift shop rocks for last-minute shopping.

(423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org

Guide

Last-minute holiday gift ideas from around the city

Few gifts are more universally appreciated than the gift of beer. Chattanooga is blessed with a cornucopia of craft breweries and specialty beer shops, but who has time to visit them all? Give the beer drinker on your list a brew tour from Chattanooga Brew Tours and let them pour a smile right down their throat.

(423) 364-1118 chattanoogabrewtours. com

Chattanooga has an ever-changing and growing number of locally produced products that have that certain Chattanooga touch to them. Take a stroll along Main Street or Frazier Avenue and you'll find a gift for all the people on your list when you wake up in a cold sweat on December 22 and realize you still haven't done any Christmas shopping.

Check out these 'noog. hoodies and other uniquely local finds at Winder Binder 40 Frazier Ave.

BRAND NEW 32” RCA LED TV 0

VE SA

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The Tennessee Valley is known for many things, but trains have been a wonderful part of this area's history for generations. Share some of this history with tickets to one of the Tennessee Valley Railroad Museum's holiday train rides. Sheldon Cooper will approve.

Tennessee Valley Railroad Museum tvrail.com

00

1 E$

V SA

B & B DISCOUNT SALES

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680 SIGNAL MOUNTAIN RD • (423) 875-6065 Mon-Sat 9am-6pm • www.bbdiscounts.net chattanoogapulse.com • december 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 25

2013

Holiday

Shopping Guide

The curtain continues to go up on the Chattanooga Theatre Centre’s 90th (!) season. We are so fortunate to have this wonderful organization in our city.

Give the gift of live theatre—a performance happens once and once only, but lives forever in memory.

(423) 267-8534, theatrecentre.com

OK, OK, we know that gift certificates to restaurants are a bit cliché, but Chattanooga has so many delicious places to eat, who wouldn't want a free dinner? Pair dinner with a couple of movie passes and this gift just became a full night out.

Pick your favorite restaurant!

The holiday festivities can really leave hair all partied out. These products by Zenagen are a godsend for thinning or damaged hair. If you don't want to be that specific, gift certificates are available!

Hair A Go-Go (423) 752-0500

Can't decide on a last-minute gift?

Head out to the Chattanooga Market and Brainerd Farmers Market holiday markets for locally produced gifts galore! chattanoogamarket.com saygrace.net

Every gift list includes impressionable children whose lives you can change with a simple gift. Think of the decades of joy you'll be giving to a child and the hours of patience training you'll give the parents with a piano starter kit. It comes with an electronic keyboard with built-in speakers, a USB cable for connecting the MIDI keyboard to your computer and an interactive instructional CD. Summit Pianos (423) 499-0600

The cold, gray, winter months can leave some folks pale and longing for the sand between their toes and the warm sun on their skin. If a trip to the beach is a bit out of your gift budget, give a little help to their tan with these all-natural, anti-aging sunless tanning aerosol products from Infinity. Bikini not included.

Healthy Glow Studio (423) 486-1700

Happy Holidays From Frameworks Art Gallery

Sale: 30% off rt Selected A

4520 Hixson Pike

877-1391

Monday - Friday, 10 a.m. - 6 p.m.

Saturday by appointment

26 • The Pulse • december 19-25 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

Dress Up Your Holiday Cocktails complete holiday gift-giving with our unique collection of locally made jewelry, Pottery, art, glassware and much more...

now open late till 8 on thursday Glassware: Prentice Hicks, Chattanooga, TN

GIFTS • HOME • BRIDAL • JEWELRY

330 Frazier Ave | Mon-Fri: 10-6 Sat: 10-5 | 423.266.0585 | plumnellyshop.com

“Edna Valley is a place where the grapes don’t have to rush. Gentle sunshine, rich soil, and cool ocean fog create the Central Coast’s extended growing season – a combination that gives the grapes longer time on the vine.

That means more time to develop rich, complex flavors.”

SPECIAL HOLIDAY SALE All Pianos & Organs on Sale Used Steinway Grands $14,995 & up New Baby Grands $6997 & up Used Studio Verticals $288 & up New Consoles $2870 & up Used Baby Grands $2697 & up

Make MMTC Spa & Salon gift cards the perfect present for everyone on your list!

Buy four $30 gift cards at MMTC Spa & Salon and get one FREE. That’s $150 worth of services or product for only $120! We’re always a great value, and industry professionals ensure the quality of our students’ experience and yours. Don’t wait – start wrapping up your holiday shopping today!

DOOR BUSTER! Alfred Kids Complete Learning System with Piano Keyboard $189 Limited Quantities, Financing Available WAC, Look for the BIG Keyboard

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WINTER WARMERS ALL Beer ALL Wine ALL Liquor ALL Cocktails

50% OFF ALL DAY Sunday-Thursday

SUGAR’S RIBS • 507 BROAD ST. • 423.508.8956

FACEBOOK/SUGARSRIBS • SUGARSRIBS.COM/DOWNTOWN 28 • The Pulse • december 19-25 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

Free Will Astrology SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Many farms in California’s Tulare County grow produce for supermarket chains. Here’s the problem: Those big stores only want fruits and vegetable that look perfect. So if there are brown spots on the apples or if the zucchinis grow crooked or if the carrots get too big, they are rejected. As a result, 30 percent of the crops go unharvested.

That’s sad because a lot of poor people who live in Tulare don’t have enough to eat. Fortunately, some enterprising food activists have begun to work out arrangements with farmers to collect the wasted produce and distribute it to the hungry folks. I gather there’s a comparable situation in your life, Sagittarius: unplucked resources and ignored treasures.

In 2014, I hope you take dramatic action to harvest and use them.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Derrick Brown has a poem entitled “Pussycat Interstellar Naked Hotrod Mofo Ladybug Lustblaster!” I hope that at least once in 2014 you will get up the nerve to call someone you love by that name. Even if you can’t quite bring yourself to utter those actual words, it will be healing for you to get to the point where you feel wild enough to say them.

Here’s what I’m driving at, Capricorn: In the coming months, you will be wise to shed any inhibitions that have interfered with you getting all of the free-flowing intimacy you’d love to have.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): “Artists who are content merely to hone their gifts eventually come to little,” says the Belgian writer Simon Leys. “The ones who truly leave their mark have the strength and the courage to explore and exploit their shortcomings.” I’d like to borrow that wisdom and provide it for you to use in 2014, Aquarius. Even if you’re not an artist, you will be able to achieve an interesting kind of success if you’re willing to make use of the raw materials and untapped potential of your so-called flaws and weaknesses.

Whatever is unripe in you will be the key to your creativity.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): In 2014, you will have the mojo to escape a frustration that has drained you and pained you for a long time. I mean you can end its hold on you for good. The coming months will also provide you with the chance to activate and cultivate a labor of love that will last as long as you live. While this project may not bloom overnight, it will reveal its staying power in dramatic fashion. And you will be able to draw on the staunch faith you’ll need to devote yourself to it until its full blessings ripen.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): “Life is best organized as a series of daring ventures from a secure base,” wrote psychologist John

rob brezsny

Bowlby. Some of you Aries enjoy the “daring venture” part of that formula, but neglect the “secure base” aspect. That’s why your daring ventures may on occasion go awry. If you are that type of Ram, the first half of 2014 will be an excellent time to correct your bad habit. Life will be offering you considerable help and inspiration in building a strong foundation.

And if you already appreciate how important it is for your pursuit of excitement to be rooted in well-crafted stability, the coming months will be golden.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Here’s a tale of three renowned Taurus brainiacs: Immanuel Kant, John Stuart Mill, and Bertrand Russell. They all had IQs over 175 and all made major contributions to philosophy.

Yet all three were physically inept. Kant had trouble keeping a sharp point on his writing instrument, the quill, because he was clumsy using a knife. Mill was so undexterous he found it a chore to tie a knot. Russell’s physical prowess was so limited he was incapable of brewing a pot of tea.

Chances are that you are neither as brilliant nor as uncoordinated as these three men. And yet, like them, there is a disconnect between your mind and body— some glitch in the way the two of them communicate with each other. The coming year will be an excellent time to heal the disconnect and fix the glitch.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): A horticultural company in the UK is selling TomTato plants to home gardeners. Each bush grows both cherry tomatoes and white potatoes. The magic was accomplished through handcrafted hybridization, not genetic engineering. I foresee a comparable marvel in your long-term future, Gemini. I’m not sure about the exact form it will take. Maybe you will create a product or situation that allows you to satisfy two different needs simultaneously. It’s possible you will find a way to express two of your talents in a single mode. Or perhaps you will be able to unite two sides of you that have previously been unbonded.

Congratulations in advance!

CANCER (June 21-July 22): “To destroy is always the first step in any creation,” said the poet E. E. Cummings. Do you buy that idea, Cancerian? I hope so, because the cosmos has scheduled you to instigate some major creative action in 2014. In order to fulfill that potential, you will have to metaphorically smash, burn, and dissolve any old structures that have been standing in the way of the future. You will have to eliminate as many of the “yes, buts” and “I can’ts” and “not nows” as you possibly can.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): When did you first fall from grace? Do you

remember? It has happened to most of us. We spend time being privileged or cared about or respected, and then, suddenly, we no longer are. We lose our innocence. Love disappears. Our status as a favorite comes to an end. That’s the bad news, Leo. The good news is that I think the months ahead may be time for you to climb back up to one of those high states of grace that you fell from once upon a time.

The omens suggest that even now you’re making yourself ready to rise back up—and sooner than you think, there will be an invitation to do so.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Leonardo da Vinci created the painting St. Jerome in the Wilderness around 1480. It now hangs in the Pinacoteca Vaticana, a museum in Vatican City. For several centuries, though, the treasured work of art was missing. Legend tells us that in the early 19th century, Napoleon’s uncle found the lower half of the painting in a junk shop in Rome. Years later he stumbled upon the top half in another back alley, where it was being used as a wedge in a shoemaker’s bench.

I foresee the possibility of a comparable sequence unfolding for you in 2014, Virgo. You just may manage to restore a lost beauty to its proper place of honor, one step at a time.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The Italian painter Tintoretto (15181594) was a Libra. He worked with such vigor and passion that he was nicknamed Il Furioso— The Furious. One of his crowning achievements was his painting Paradise, which is 74 feet long and 30 feet tall—about the size of a tennis court. It adorns a huge wall in the Doge’s Palace, a landmark in Venice. I propose that Tintoretto serve as one of your inspirational role models in 2014.

The coming months will be an excellent time for you to work hard at crafting your own personal version of paradise on earth. You may not be so wildly robust to deserve the title “Il Furioso.” But then again, you might.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Between 2002 and 2009, Buddhist monk Endo Mitsunaga spent a thousand days meditating as he did a ceremonial walk around Mount Hiei in Japan. In 2006, English writer Dave Cornthwaite took 90 days to skateboard across the entire length of Australia, a distance of 3,618 miles.

The first man’s intentions were spiritual, the second man’s adventurous. The coming months will be prime time for you to contemplate both kinds of journeys, Scorpio. The astrological omens suggest that you will generate extra good fortune for yourself by seeking out unfamiliar experiences on the open road. To get yourself in the mood, ruminate on the theme of pilgrimage.

Jonesin’ Crossword

matt jones

“Time Shift”--set it and forget it.

!

D N KE

EE W AL

FIN

Across 1 “Armageddon” author Leon 5 Mos Def collaborator Kweli 10 Drains, as of energy 14 Jazz great Thelonious 15 Crack up 16 “___ se habla espaÒol” 17 Guy who avoids fighting (one hour behind)?

19 Litter critter 20 Bite-size 21 Handy children’s game 23 Advance 26 Deep sleep 27 Consumer protection org.

30 On the Caribbean, poetically 32 Nobel Peace Center city 35 Scenic flyfishing activity (one hour behind)?

40 Cookie in pie crusts

41 Drone, for instance 42 Frozen drink company with a polar bear mascot 43 The key elixir (one hour behind)?

46 Short footrace 47 PayPal cofounder ___ Musk 48 Electronics co. whose slogan was once “So Real” 49 Baseball stat 52 “Carmina Burana” composer 54 2,640 feet 58 Bird in the constellation Aquila 62 Retail chain that offers meatballs 63 Airline hanging on the edge (three hours ahead)?

66 Takes for a ride 67 Suitcase attachment 68 Kernel 69 Slip or square follower 70 “Gee, that’s swell!”

71 Places for peels

Down 1 Strike callers 2 Go outside the service area 3 ___ Empire 4 Technique 5 Mai ___ (bar order) 6 “Breaking Bad” network 7 Coal unit 8 Late singer Hayes 9 Japanese box lunch 10 Snidely stated, perhaps 11 Pastel shade of blue 12 Jello Biafra’s genre 13 Web presence 18 Ice cream concoction 22 Singer/songwriter Tori 24 Beijing Olympic gold medalist sprinter ___ Powell 25 “Elysium” director Blomkamp 27 College VIP 28 Disinterested 29 “The ___ Vista Social Club” 31 Hayao Miyazaki genre 33 Allowed

34 How hair may sometimes stand 36 “Hold it right there, buster!”

37 “The Voice” judge/ coach Green 38 Intense devotion 39 Person who’ll argue about Windows vs. Linux 44 Baba au ___ 45 Derive by reasoning 50 Promotional gimmick 51 Former Washington senator ___ Gorton 53 Viper features 54 The ___ from French Lick (Larry Bird) 55 “Konvicted” hip-hop artist 56 Joking Jay 57 Shakira’s “___ Noche Voy Contigo” 59 Golf lesson subject 60 Maggie’s sister 61 CPR experts 64 Skin design, briefly 65 Star’s propulsion, maybe?

Copyright © 2013 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle No. 0654 chattanoogapulse.com • december 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 29

Spirits Within

tara viland

Nothing Says Festive Like Tequila Our gal on the bar stool tells us all about Patron

A

LL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS is a golden tan, a tall dark man with a big boat, and a margarita in my hand.

Yes, I may not get my tan back for a while, and I happily traded my tall, dark and handsome for a tall, handsome blond and two wild children a long time ago— but at least Santa knows he can always bring me a margarita...on the rocks with salt and extra lime.

As we embark on the holidays, we often think of eggnog and hotty tottys… something to keep us warm and snuggled through our three-snowflakes-a-year Chattanooga winter...but we can’t forget about our dear friend Patron. After working in a brewery for five years and being in or around bars for more time than my personality wants to admit, I like to think of myself as well versed in the spirits of our craft.

This is especially true when it comes to beer. I delight in shunning those next to me who order anything ending in light and as a woman I revel in the knowledge of hops and barley while seeking out a more unique selection. But my pompous snobbery ends very quickly once you step out of the ales and lagers.

It has been a silent mission this year to become more knowledgeable about spirits. I have stabilized my personal vodka drink, learned about the process of whiskey, and realized that people drink tequila because they enjoy it, not to mention discovering that there are more mixers then sour and orange juice to pair with it.

A wise man once said, “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, FLOOR.” Well,

OK, I can’t argue with that. So in celebration of the floor, family, friends, and having a day off, let me share some info about tequila that will make you seem expert while you pour salt on your hand or plug in your favorite uncle’s margarita machine for the holidays.

“Tequila for dummies” informs us that this denomination of alcohol is derived from the blue agave plant and originates from the city of Tequila, which is northwest of Guadalajara in the Mexican state of Jalisco. (thanks, wiki). As with most spirits, the location and soil used for the plant determines the outcome of taste, in this case, either a sweeter or more herbaceous feel.

Tequila has been around since the 16th century and can only be produced in Mexico. The process is still very involved in its roots of manual labor despite the newer technology that is available. In the Patron family, you often see three of the five types of tequila behind your favorite bar or package store.

Patron Silver in the blanco family is unaged. Silver is immediately bottled and put on the shelves. Stored in stainless steel or neutral oak barrels, Silver will not sit more than two months. Patron Reposado is contained in oak barrels and can be aged anywhere from two months to two years, and your Patron Anejo is aged up to but not more than three years and is contained in small oak barrels. The science of spirits still amazes me.

Luckily, Christmas falls on a weekday this year which ensures your ability to get those last-minute gifts and party favors. Nothing says you are important and I love you more than a bottle of tequila.

Paired with some local flair, drinks such

as Navidad Nectar, Smoking Apple, and my personal favorite, Getting Figgy With It, can be just the surprise you need to impress your holiday guests.

Patron has an excellent website with recipes such as these and many, many more. The margarita is a classic—but who knew you could go so much further. For those who want to break so-called tradition and skip the messy kitchen and neurotic household prep, I suggest you go see one of our friends at either location of El Meson. You can try all of these Patron products and indulge in their amazing Sunday buffet, diverse menu and $6 Patron margaritas.

Happy Holidays to you from all the family here at the Pulse—and remember never drink and drive.

I promise someone will get a picture of you at the Christmas party acting a fool—not to mention Santa is watching!

Athens Distributing recommends these fine spirits...

Bushmills Irish ATHENS DISTRIBUTINGCC OMPANY ATHENS D ISTRIBUTING OMPANY WINE INE S PIRITW W HOLESALERS Locally owned since since 19611961Whiskey W INEAND ANDLocally SPIRIT HOLESALERS W AND SPIRIT Wowned HOLESALERS DISTRIBUTING COMPANY NS DISTRIBUTING COMPANY Bushmills is a blend AND SPIRIT WHOLESALERS INE AND SPIRIT WHOLESALERS owned since 1961 Locally Locally owned since of triple distilled Locally owned since 19611961 ATHENS ATHENS DISTRIBUTING DISTRIBUTING COMPANY COMPANY

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UTING COMPANY single malt whiskey owned 1961 ly ownedsince since 1961 T WHOLESALERS Follow us Follow on Facebook us on Facebook Follow us Follow on Twitter us on Twitter with a lighter Irish Athens Distributing Athens Distributing Company Company Chattanooga Chattanooga @athenschatt @athenschattgrain whiskey. A ed since 1961 very approachable Visit Visit our website: our website: Athensdistributing.com Athensdistributing.com

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whiskey with a rich‚ warming taste of fresh fruit and vanilla.

hensdistributing.com 30 • The Pulse • december 19-25 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

Kilchoman Single Malt Scotch

Tito’s Handmade Vodka

Cinerator Cinnamon Whiskey

One of the most awarded scotches in the world. Initial sweetness followed by peat smoke and mixed fruits. Kilchoman is truly an amazing scotch that is a must try for any whiskey connoisseur.

100% American made from point A to Z. Hand made in small batches in copper pot stills, and distilled six times for a superior smooth taste that rivals the most expensive vodkas on the market.

Not your ordinary Cinnamon Whiskey, Cinerator is made with real bourbon, then amped up to 91.1 proof. An unbelievable value.

This is the ultimate Cinnamon Whiskey!

30th Annual Holiday Gift Wrap

get

wrapped Bring your gift to the Holiday Gift Wrap! All proceeds benefit

Hamilton Place Mall ~ Dec. 6-24 - Open All Day During Mall Hours 2 Locations ~ Tourist Information Center (upstairs) & JCPenny’s (downstairs)

From $3*

*and up based on size, includes boxes, tissue, variety of papers, ribbons, bows and gift tags!

chattanoogapulse.com • december 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 31