The Pulse - Vol. 8, Issue 23

NEWS, VIEWS, MUSIC, FILM, ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT • JUNE 9, 2011 • VOL. 8, ISSUE 23 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

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The Pulse | Volume 8, Issue 23 | June 9, 2011 | www.chattanoogapulse.com

PULSE BEATS 4 ON THE BEAT 13 LIFE IN THE NOOG 19 FREE WILL ASTROLOGY 28 JONESIN' CROSSWORD 29

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VOLUME 8, ISSUE 23 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

“In order to have an integrated, connected community, Brainerd needs a gathering place where people can come together.”

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— Allison Gorman takes an in-depth look at the Master Plan.

“Like the photographs, there emerges a sense of the dramatic, of energies suspended that could go in any direction.

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— Michael Crumb on a pair of new exhibits at the Hunter.

“At the Tennessee Valley Federal Credit Union Stage a tradition continues, when 6 Stools/6 Strings will showcase a ‘dream line-up’ of songwriters from our state capital.”

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— Tara V on one of the "must-see" events at Riverbend.

“Hollywood knows how to play into those childish things, the things that should have been put away long ago.”

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—John DeVore on the latest mutant film offering.

Cover photo by Lauren Haynes

www.chattanoogapulse.com | June 9, 2011 | Volume 8, Issue 23 | The Pulse

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NEWS Chattanooga’s Weekly Alternative President Jim Brewer, II Publisher Zachary Cooper Contributing Editor Janis Hashe News Editor / Layout Gary Poole Director of Sales Rhonda Rollins Advertising Sales Jaye Brewer, Rick Leavell, Michelle Pih Calendar Editors Bryanna Burns, Leanne Strickland Graphic Design Jennifer Grelier Contributors Gustavo Arellano, Rob Brezsny Chuck Crowder, Michael Crumb John DeVore, Allison Gorman Janis Hashe, Joshua Hurley Matt Jones, Louis Lee Kelly Lockhart, Ernie Paik Alex Teach, Tara V Editorial Cartoonist Rick Baldwin Editorial Intern / Photography Lauren Haynes Contact Info: Phone (423) 265-9494 Fax (423) 266-2335 Email Inquiries info@chattanoogapulse.com Calendar Submissions calendar@chattanoogapulse.com The Pulse is published weekly and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publishers may take more than one copy per weekly issue. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors.

The Pulse is published by

Brewer Media 1305 Carter Street Chattanooga, Tennessee 37402 Letters to the editor must include name, address and daytime phone number for verification. The Pulse reserves the right to edit letters for space and clarity.

Please keep letters within 300 words in length.

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Pulse Beats

"Q"

“I work three jobs. I work my behind off.

I am raising my taxes, too. But I don’t see any other way.”

Chattanooga Named In Top Seven Smartest Cities

— East Ridge Mayor Brent Lambert on the city’s decision to raise property taxes to cover ongoing budget shortfalls.

Delegates from Chattanooga, one of seven finalist cities in the Intelligent Community Forum (ICF) annual competition, were on hand last week for the naming of Eindhoven, Netherlands as the 2011 Intelligent Community of the Year.

During the awards ceremony, the ICF honored Chattanooga for having the Coolest Broadband App for deploying an ultra-high-speed wireless network called the “mesh network”, which is used for enhancing public services ranging from smarter traffic controls to better coordination of police, as well as dozens of other services.

In January, Chattanooga was praised for leveraging some of the latest information and communications technology to spark job creation and joined six of the world’s most innovative cities to top 14 others considered for the accolade.

“We gained a tremendous amount from engaging in the Intelligent Community process,” said Chattanooga Mayor Ron Littlefield. “The ICF has given us thirdparty verification of how effectively Chattanooga has used its technology. This summit has given us a chance to build on relationships we’ve been establishing with major technology companies and to learn best community practices from around the world.”

In naming Chattanooga among the world’s Top Seven Intelligent Communities earlier this year, ICF cited Chattanooga’s tremendous strides in air quality improvement and downtown revitalization. The group

The Pulse | Volume 8, Issue 23 | June 9, 2011 | www.chattanoogapulse.com

also highlighted Chattanooga’s deployment of the largest and fastest 100 percent fiber-optic system in America, a network that makes up to 1,000 megabitper-second services accessible to every home and business in a 600-square-mile area.

According to ICF Co-Founder John Jung, Chattanooga lives up to its reputation as the Can Do Community. “During my visit to Chattanooga, I was struck by how well people from different sectors and institutions were working together to use emerging technologies to solve real-world problems,” said Jung. “This is a community that is retaining its young people and generating genuine excitement about the future.”

“Once again our community is surprising the world with what we can accomplish when we work together,” said Hamilton County Mayor Jim Coppinger. “We’re positioning ourselves for a whole new wave of job creation opportunities.” According to Tom Edd Wilson, president and CEO of the Chattanooga Area Chamber of Commerce, the ICF Top Seven designation helped build the buzz about Chattanooga.

“Our participation in the ICF process supported our efforts to communicate Chattanooga’s tremendous technology story,” Wilson said. “Our community has established a national reputation for its quality of life and an international business brand by recruiting world-class companies. And now, we’re capturing headlines for pioneering the uses of next generation data infrastructure.”

News Briefs • The Budweiser Clydesdales are coming to Chattanooga. The gentle giants' visit will help benefit the McKamey Animal Center’s mission of protecting animals from neglect, abuse and exploitation. Chattanoogans can see the majestic animals and the iconic beer wagon up close during two opportunities: The Tennessee Pavilion on Tuesday from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. and then on Broad Street in front of Mellow Mushroom on Wednesday. They will be hitched up starting at 6 p.m. and will parade through Riverbend starting at 7 p.m.

Look for McKamey Animal Center donation cans at both events and help the abused and abandoned animals of Chattanooga.

• The U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development has awarded the Chattanooga Housing Authority a total of $246,864 in grants to help residents in its Low Income Public Housing and Housing Choice Voucher (Section 8) Programs achieve self-sufficiency over time. The goal of HUD’s Family Self-Sufficiency Program is to create opportunities for residents to continue their education or receive job training, and eventually find gainful employment so they can reduce or eliminate the need for welfare assistance.

NEWS

Opinion

The End of the World You might be wondering why you’re still alive. Well, last Tuesday I was approached twice in my sleep. First by Satan who told me three lies: “Osama bin Laden is alive in Kenya on safari with his son Barack Obama’s real birth certificate, Footloose needed to be remade, and 5/21/11 is the end.” Then I was approached by an Angel of the Lord with three truths: “Sarah Palin is actually a Russian (when she said she could see Russia from her porch, she wasn’t kidding), Good Friday wasn’t always so good, and the date of the end would be based on how many days in a week, what Prince yells when he plays golf, and how many teeth the Devil has.” The first two are obvious and Satan has just visited. Now as y’all now, if you look the Devil in the eye, you’ll become a homosexual and can’t get married (at least not in Tennessee). So I stared at his teeth, all 22 of them. The date: 7/4/22. The Walnut Street Bridge is for sale! I hold the deed. Anyone interested? You’ve got eleven years left to enjoy it!

Rev. Thomas L. Foote Gay in Chattanooga Outstanding article. As a gay man living in Chattanooga and having lived in much larger cities such as Seattle and Indianapolis, I would agree Chattanooga is behind the times by

Send all letters to the editor and questions to

info@chattanoogapulse.com We reserve the right to edit letters for content and space. Please include your full name, city and contact information.

knew nothing of the lesbian/gay lifestyle there until this article. It sounds like most cities of its size in the south. I do hope in my lifetime we can learn to love one another and live peacefully together on this planet. Fantastic and informative article.

Cathy James Just wanted to say great story! Good to see that there are options out there for gays and lesbians alike. In getting others to take pride and be invested in making change in the community it means that Chattanooga offers exactly what they have been doing. Get a variety of things for all to get involved and invested in a passion of their own and make change happen in small increments. You’re on the right track. It all just takes time.

Thom Hoffman

about 20 years. Our governor just moved us back by signing the bill HB 600 showing his obvious disregard for the gay community in Tennessee. We need more articles like this bringing all people together.

Mike L. Very interesting article. I love visiting Chattanooga...I think it’s a beautiful city. I

Life and Death On The Beat That scene from Se7en flashed through my mind as I read Alex Teach’s description of the revival of the old man in last week's issue. I bet the memory keeps him awake. I would put the boot anywhere but where hre sleeps. God’s mercy on all the discarded men and women and children. Not to mention those whose duty is to gather them up. Stay the course and pray for grace.

Felix Miller www.chattanoogapulse.com | June 9, 2011 | Volume 8, Issue 23 | The Pulse

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NEWS

Politics & Crime A weekly roundup of the newsworthy, notable and often head-scratching stories gleaned from police reports from the Chattanooga Police Department, the Hamilton County Sheriff’s Office, the Bradley County Sheriff’s Department and the Dalton Police Department.

Here is one of the agenda items to be discussed at the Tuesday, June 14 meeting of the Chattanooga City Council.

4. Special Presentations.

“Report for Plan of Services for Area 1B”

This is all part of the ongoing annexation process by the City of Chattanooga of a variety of parcels currently within the unincorporated portions of Hamilton County. While a number of the annexations have gone through, and several more are working their way through the courts, every annexation plan requires the city to develop and submit a “Plan of Services” that outlines to the future residents of the city exactly what city services will become available to them.

In many ways, the Plan of Services is at the heart of the ongoing controversy over annexation. While every plan so far submitted seeks to assure the future residents that their infrastructure, safety and security needs will be met, many people are justifiably skeptical in these days of ongoing budget cuts, hiring freezes and the like.

The Chattanooga City Council meets each Tuesday at 6 p.m. in the City Council Building at 1000 Lindsay St. For more information on the current agenda, and past minutes, visit www.Chattanooga.gov/City_Council

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• The signs at the gas pumps that warn people not to smoke while pumping gas are there for a reason. Yet Chattanooga fire investigators have determined that lighting a cigarette is what started the fire at a gas station back on May 26 that severely burned a 20-year-old woman. Investigators say that while the woman was fueling her Jeep, her boyfriend came out of the station’s convenience store and lit up a cigarette. As he flicked the lighter, a flash fire started that caught her clothes on fire. Sadly, even though employees quickly cut off the pump and bystanders helped to put out the flames, the woman suffered second- and thirddegree burns and was taken to an Augusta, GA burn center for treatment. Fire officials note that an estimated 5,020 fires and explosions occur at gas stations every year and are easily preventable by the use of simple common sense.

• Ever wonder what it would take to get a beer license suspended in this city? One surefire way is to keep a lounge open well past the legal “last call” limit and then completely ignore the police officers who show up in response to complaints about the early-morning partying. The owner of an Alton Park lounge was

The Pulse | Volume 8, Issue 23 | June 9, 2011 | www.chattanoogapulse.com

handed back-to-back 30day suspensions of its beer license for just those reasons. Back on March 22, officers were called out to the lounge at 5 a.m., found a full parking lot, and could see more than 60 people inside drinking and carousing.

To make matters worse, it took more than 20 minutes of pounding on doors and windows before the patrons finally realized the angry officers weren’t going to give up and go away. Even worse, the lounge had been punished for four previous violations—yet a motion to outright revoke its license failed when no one of the Beer Board would second the motion.

• One of the (sillier) complaints people make to law enforcement officers, usually when they are stopped for doing something stupid while behind the wheel, is, “Why aren’t you out finding the REAL criminals?” Well, aside from the fact that improperly and/or illegally operating a several-ton machine often leads to mayhem and destruction all by itself, city officers did in fact spend a good part of the weekend out in force rounding up the “real” criminals. Officers and investigators with the Chattanooga police department conducted a saturation of the East Chattanooga area to locate and arrest individuals with outstanding

warrants and to proactively address crime in the area.

The efforts resulted in numerous arrests; including of individuals on the Hamilton County’s Most Wanted List.

In addition to those arrested, 64 grams of marijuana, 2.4 grams of crack cocaine and 29 pills were seized along with $1,421. Not a bad day’s work.

And next time, slow down, fasten your seatbelt and use your turn signal.

• And while we’re on the subject, another law enforcement issue that gets people annoyed is parking tickets.

Once again, the vast majority of them are easily preventable. However, if you do find yourself on the receiving end of a ticket at a parking meter, you may soon be surprised to find that it wasn’t a police officer who wrote the ticket, but a CARTA employee. The transit agency is making final preparations to take over parking enforcement in the city, which CARTA Executive Director Tom Dugan said will be both friendlier and will actually generate more revenue. Plans include a downtown storefront to handle payment of parking fines and sales of parking permits as well as appeals of tickets.

However, some city codes will have to be rewritten for the plan to come to fruition.

www.chattanoogapulse.com | June 9, 2011 | Volume 8, Issue 23 | The Pulse

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COVER STORY

The Future Of Brainerd

On a Mission...

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Brainerd Begins Ambitious Journey to Reinvent Itself

By Allison Gorman, Pulse Contributing Writer

t’s no coincidence that major roads are called “arteries.” With age, a single stretch of asphalt can at once sustain a community and sap the life out of it.

Take Brainerd Road, where 30,000 cars a day are greeted by a gaptoothed smile—pawnshops and payday lenders, parking lots and vacant lots.

And, scattered among them, the stalwarts: older businesses whose hearts are in Brainerd, and newer ones whose hopes are there.

Brainerd has its stalwart citizens, too. Its neighborhood groups have fought to padlock nuisance businesses and protect area wetlands. They have built community gardens and erected public art. Especially in areas like Belvoir and Hemphill, dotted with to-die-for vintage homes, but also in more modest neighborhoods of mid-century cottages and bungalows, residents have organized against urban blight. On a few streets, the defense against decay has gone from zone to man-to-man, with no clear winner yet.

Whatever their circumstances, many older residents have remained in Brainerd, despite the decline of its commercial core. And with the renewed appetite for urban living, younger folks are moving to Brainerd, too.

“People are starting to infill,” says City Councilwoman Carol Berz. “Particularly in the Brainerd area, whether it’s Belvoir or Hilltop. I live in Brainerd Hills, and I’m seeing professionals moving back in.”

In 2008, when Berz began campaigning for her District 6 council seat, she discovered a diverse population united by a passion to make Brainerd the place they knew it could be. So she held meetings, asking residents exactly what they wanted. Sidewalks, they told her. A good library. Green space. The anatomy, that is, of a cohesive community. Those meetings evolved into the Brainerd Master Plan for Redevelopment, an ambitious roadmap to the community’s renewal, beginning with its major artery, Brainerd Road.

Unveiled as a concept in 2009, the Master Plan turns into action this summer. It doesn’t yet have a price tag; Berz says it will require multiple sources of funding, a financial puzzle still being pieced together. But when asked how much of the plan will happen, Berz is unwavering: “All of it.”

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The Pulse | Volume 8, Issue 23 | June 9, 2011 | www.chattanoogapulse.com

COVER STORY

The Future Of Brainerd

A road, deconstructed Asphalt has not been Brainerd’s friend. Case in point: the paving over of the Brainerd Mission to build Brainerd Village shopping center. All that’s left of Brainerd’s 50-acre cradle of civilization is the mission cemetery—a gorgeous, spookily green square wrapped by a low stone wall, encased in chain link, surrounded by parking lot. It is the Crunchwrap Supreme of historic sites.

Blame the pave-at-all-costs mentality of the 1950s–80s, the prime development era for much of Brainerd Road (and its northof-the-river doppelganger, Hixson Pike). It was also standard protocol then to erect buildings and widen roads with little regard for consistency, aesthetics, or anyone not traveling by car. Factor in “white flight,” several economic cycles, the retail-siphoning effect of Hamilton Place Mall, and what Berz calls “not-so-benign neglect” by a city newly enamored of its downtown, and you’re left with urban dysfunction that’s difficult to qualify—like the famous definition of hard-core porn: “I know it when I see it.”

But qualifying urban dysfunction is what the Master Plan does, examining Brainerd Road and identifying its disease symptoms: uneven building setbacks, discontinuous sidewalks, monster parking lots, sign clutter, almost no green.

Functionally, it’s a crude tear in the fabric of a community.

That problem is exacerbated by the lack of a public center, notes architect and Brainerd resident David Barlew, who helped develop the plan. “Although we have small neighborhood parks, we don’t have a large public space where the community could host an outdoor art show or hold a political rally,” Barlew notes. “We don’t have a true civic space like downtown’s Miller Plaza or North Shore’s Coolidge Park. In order to have an integrated, connected community, Brainerd needs a gathering place where people can come together.”

The Master Plan addresses all these problems, starting with a facelift for Brainerd Road and the birth of a gathering place.

What change looks like Pending final plans and approval of funding—including a hoped-for state grant—the city will lay wide sidewalks on Brainerd Road from Eastgate Town Center to East Brainerd Road, with curbside “street yards” to give a continuous green edge and buffer pedestrians from traffic. Where there is no right-of-way, many existing businesses have already agreed to donate property for the new sidewalks, Berz says; when new businesses are built, the city will contract with them to tie in.

The sidewalk design is one of many Brainerd Road development policies recently adopted by the Chattanooga-Hamilton County Regional Planning Agency to complement the Master Plan. The agency also recommends building structures closer to the road, with low-profile signs. The policies aren’t mandatory but “provide a reference point” for future growth, Berz says. She notes ready compliance by private developers like Atlanta-based Trilogy Group, currently constructing a 5,000-square-foot IHOP at Brainerd Village.

The sidewalk work would effectively narrow Brainerd Road to two lanes in each direction, plus bike lanes. Paul Mallchok, general manager of Eastgate Town Center, says he’s concerned about the effect on traffic, which he says backs up on a regular basis, already. But Berz says research indicates that reducing lanes “does not necessarily mean slower traffic. Rather it makes the road safer and more user-friendly.”

She’s braced for complaints, she says.

“I’m sure the naysayers are out there, and when we start doing work on the street…,” she says, trailing off. “I’ve already had someone complain that the IHOP building is too close to the road.”

“Those meetings evolved into the Brainerd Master Plan for Redevelopment, an ambitious roadmap to the community’s renewal, beginning with its major artery, Brainerd Road.”

From School to Family Center?

The 2008 closing of 21st Century Academy left another empty “storefront” in Brainerd: a stately building prominently positioned in a vintage neighborhood.

Now the old academy might find new life as the Chattanooga Family Justice Center, a central services location for victims of domestic abuse. Scores of government agencies and nonprofits would have a presence there, possibly including the Chattanooga police. Charlotte Boatwright, who would direct the center, says a similar facility in Knoxville, also located in a former school, has been a good fit in its residential setting.

The 21st Century Academy building would require “few renovations and interior changes,” she says. While the center would receive some government support, she says, it would depend primarily on private fundraising, set to begin pending approval of the location by the Hamilton County school board and the county commission. www.chattanoogapulse.com | June 9, 2011 | Volume 8, Issue 23 | The Pulse

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COVER STORY

The Future Of Brainerd

She also acknowledges that the evolution of Brainerd Road will be a long process. “What you see out there today was the cumulative result of 50 years of individual development choices,” she says. “Change doesn’t happen overnight, but you have to start somewhere.”

“In order to have an integrated, connected community, Brainerd needs a gathering place where people can come together.”

A gathering place For the Eastgate library, change is on a two-year timeline.

The city’s 2011–12 capital budget, awaiting city council approval, allots $500,000 for the design of a state-of-the-art library to be built using the structure of the old post office processing building at Eastgate. The Master Plan shows a new facility four times the size of Eastgate’s current 9,000-square-foot branch; it would be part of a larger public area, Brainerd Town Center, which would also include a plaza and playground, an archival center, and an enhanced trailhead to the Brainerd Levee. The Brainerd Mission Cemetery would mark the entrance to the public space.

The library itself would function as a community center as much as a place for reading and research, Berz says. “We’ve had visioning sessions to die for… Let it be a place of gathering, not a place where somebody in horn-rimmed glasses is always saying, ‘Be quiet.’”

Berz says she can’t quote a cost for the total library project, because, like the sidewalks, it likely will require a combination of federal, grant and city funding. “When you’re talking about a

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library of this status…when you come up with a plan, you don’t ever say, ‘No.’ You say, ‘What would yes look like, and what are the pieces that need to come together?’”

She is confident the city council will approve funding for the design, adding that the city is committed to following the project through. “The city has always funded the library,” she says.

“It’s a priority on the mayor’s list. If something’s a priority on the mayor’s list, it’s gonna happen.”

Mayor Ron Littlefield says he hopes to see the new library operational by the end of his term in April 2013.

Mallchok, who attended many of Berz’s visioning sessions, still questions the economic wisdom of spending what will likely be several million dollars on a brick-and-mortar library, especially in the digital age, for an 18,000-person community. “It’s great to dream big, and you can fulfill that dream if you have unlimited dollars,” he says. “But it comes down to allocating resources.”

Finding a new focus The dream, Berz says, is Brainerd as “a place of lifelong learning”—a theme that taps into Eastgate Town Center’s re-

The Pulse | Volume 8, Issue 23 | June 9, 2011 | www.chattanoogapulse.com

incarnation as an education center. The former Eastgate Mall is now a mixed-use space, housing call centers, government and medical offices, and what will soon be six education tenants, including a satellite branch of Chattanooga State and a new charter school. The shift away from retail has given new life to what was Brainerd’s original “gathering

place.”

Similarly, Berz doesn’t anticipate Brainerd Road reemerging as a shopping destination. And while she deferred conversation about undesirable businesses “for another time,” it’s clear that a welcome side effect of the Master Plan would be to change the current commercial mix on Brainerd Road.

“I think our future lies in a mixture of old and new,” says longtime resident Frances Lambdin. “I often miss elements of the old Brainerd—the businesses, mainly. But the world has changed, and we’ve got to keep changing with it, or we’re sunk. Worse still, we could become some pathetic anachronism… (But) we don’t need any more cash-advance establishments, pawn shops, gold and diamond businesses, nail salons or bars here. That’s not the future I envision for Brainerd.”

Littlefield suggests that, given time, those problems may take care of themselves.

Trends change, he says. A Brainerd resident since 1968, Littlefield saw “adult businesses” flourish, then fade on Brainerd Road, and watched a succession of diverse establishments— including a Cinerama, a nightclub and a drugstore—occupy the

COVER STORY

The Future Of Brainerd

same corner at Brainerd and Germantown.

And as commissioner of public works in the 1980s, Littlefield widened Brainerd Road, now slated to be narrowed.

Mission: possible?

From work on Brainerd Road to construction of Brainerd Town Center, the Master Plan hinges on broad cooperation from existing property owners. As drawn, the plan overlays part of Eastgate’s parking lot and entails reconfiguration of Brainerd Village.

Across Brainerd Road, a proposed farmer’s market and community garden would sit on land currently occupied by old car lots. The Chattanooga Metropolitan Airport Authority is in the process of acquiring that land, Berz says.

She won’t detail what commitments she has from those potentially affected. “We are working with a diverse group of property owners and developers to facilitate the implementation of the plan,” she says. “Because these conversations and negotiations are in process, it would be inappropriate for me to speculate what the final agreements will look like.”

But from the beginning, she says, she’s kept the planning inclusive, opening the meetings to residents, businesses, the airport, city government, and nonprofits like River City Company. “We invited everybody that we thought could make things happen,” Berz says. “The interesting thing was, they all showed up…. So when you ask, ‘How do you make all this happen?’—it’s been happening. All the changes you’re starting to see now have been a result of including everybody from the very beginning. And so now it’s a piece of cake.”

This recipe, like any long-range revitalization plan, includes a large measure of “If you build it, they will come.” Apartments and office space are incorporated into the Brainerd Town Center footprint; the plan is also intended as impetus for further development. Again, Berz won’t discuss specifics, but she says private investors are showing fresh interest in Brainerd because it is near the airport and exactly between Enterprise South Park and Chattanooga’s burgeoning downtown—both a straight shot down Brainerd Road.

Berz admits that a year and half ago, she wouldn’t have been so optimistic that the Master Plan would reach fruition. “But when I saw Verizon going in, and when I saw the Trilogy Group building going in, and when I get the kind of calls I’m getting now— not from Chattanooga—then I know it’s happening.”

People powered When urban revitalization happens, it often becomes gentrification—pioneered by social progressives, but happening at the expense of diversity.

Berz doesn’t foresee that dynamic at work in Brainerd.

Not gentrification: “I’ve never once heard anybody say, ‘Let’s have little flags that say, Enjoy Brainerd.’”

And not homogeny: “Brainerd’s the most diverse area, thank God, in our city.”

Consider the fact that Brainerd has the most library users and bus riders of any community in Chattanooga. While it’s safe to assume that some Brainerd residents can’t afford a computer or a car, Berz says that statistic also reflects the growing number of highly educated, environmentally aware people who call Brainerd home.

Those demographics may overlap, or they may coexist—and apparently, happily so. We asked about a dozen Brainerd residents to name their community’s best quality. Almost without exception, the answer was “diversity.”

That sentiment was shared even by residents who first knew Brainerd as a homogenous place.

“People who live here tend to accept diversity, whether it relates to race, religion, sexual preference, whatever,” says Lambdin, who has lived in Brainerd for more than 40 years. “When it gets down to it, we all want the same thing: a safe, healthy environment in which to live and grow.”

Downtown has its waterfront. North Chattanooga has its shops. The mountains have their views.

Brainerd has its people.

Its major artery may have deteriorated over the years, but its heart has been beating all along.

An Image Upgrade As it looks to reinvent itself, Brainerd’s greatest challenge is overcoming an undeserved reputation as a dangerous, low-income area, says resident David Barlew. “Although Brainerd isn’t perfect,” he says, “it’s certainly not the depressed, blighted area some people make it out to be.”

Lifelong resident Bill Eiselstein feels a few highly publicized incidents have skewed public perception of the community. That problem is compounded by “press not knowing where Brainerd is, or thinking if it’s African-American, and it was a shooting, it must have happened in Brainerd, which is ignorant and unfortunate,” says Carol Berz.

“Those of us who live in Brainerd and love it here do not understand where people get the idea that it is a bad place to live,” says 20-year resident Peggy Roselle. “The crime rate is not greater than other parts of the city.”

Asked for comparative figures, Chattanooga police provided 2008–10 crime statistics for 37411, Brainerd’s zip code, and for the similarly sized 37404, encompassing Highland Park and Ridgedale. In 2010, Brainerd had roughly 10 percent less violent crime but 10 percent more property crime than Highland Park/Ridgedale. In both areas, however, crime has been trending down—as it has throughout Chattanooga, says Police Capt. Randy Dunn, who oversees the zone that includes Brainerd. Dunn credits “the fact that the men and women of the Chattanooga Police Department are working their butts off, shorthanded.”

Most Brainerd residents we spoke with said their community’s bad reputation is overblown, while a few said crime poses a significant problem.

All agreed, however, that the revitalization of Brainerd must include an overhaul of its public image. www.chattanoogapulse.com | June 9, 2011 | Volume 8, Issue 23 | The Pulse

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The Pulse | Volume 8, Issue 23 | June 9, 2011 | www.chattanoogapulse.com

OPINION

On The Beat

In Which I Deliver A Florida Rant S

omething other than someone tripping publicly or a dog biting someone while they were taunting it made me laugh today: Florida Governor Rick Scott.

Before I get too far into this, most readers have recognized that I’ve steered back to where they prefer my columns: Insightful first-person stories reflecting the darker aspects of society instead of personal rants against political figures, their policies, and anyone I consider an “asshole” in general (which naturally meant very few of the aforementioned insightful cop stories and an obvious focus on politicians). It was an angerinduced phase that I was weaned from through a series of counseling sessions and a shitload of Thorazine, and while not a relapse, this week is another rant, so feel free to move on (but know I hope to be a story-teller again in the next issue).

OK, are we alone now? For those still sticking around, the thing that caught my attention was a Florida state law that went into effect on June 1 that mandates drug testing for those applying for the federal Temporary Assistance for Needy Families program, or as my father and his father once called it, “welfare”.

fail, but still have needy kids? They can designate another individual to receive the benefits on their behalf, therefore not causing “the children” to suffer despite decades of well-documented Republican attempts to eat the young.

Governor Scott even said, out loud, that he doesn’t think it’s fair for Florida taxpayers to subsidize drug addiction, and he wants to give people an incentive to not use drugs. Outrageous!

Right or wrong, I’m onboard because if there’s one thing I can relate to, it’s “Pissing Everyone Off With Common Sense”.

Taking the bait right on cue, state Democrats immediately considered it a “strip search of our state’s most vulnerable residents” and an invasion of their privacy…to be drug tested before being given money.

Like Democrat methodologies in general, I find this strange. For nearly 20 years my employer (you, the public) has had me subject to random drug tests at any time as a direct consequence of taking money in the form of “paychecks”.

Construction workers, pornographic actors, truckers (same thing) and even car salesmen have been subject to this in return for receiving money with no ACLU backlash of any significance. But when welfare recipients are finally tested in return for receiving taxpayer money (like us cops, firemen, and even our secretarial staff, etc.) it’s as if someone tried to legalize rape. (Which, for the record, I would strongly disagree with.)

I have an interesting perspective on this because I work in areas that used to be called “projects” (government-funded

Alex Teach

“Apparently you are only subject to humiliation for working for taxpayer money, as opposed to doing nothing for it but breeding and watching cable.”

The ACLU immediately broke glass and went for a legal fire ax, but when they found out that the State was actually making the petitioners pay for their own drug test as well, they tripped and nearly beheaded themselves with their implement.

What is happening there simply amazes me; it’s like an onion of common sense that gets better by better layer after layer.

For instance, if the applicant passes the test…they will be reimbursed for the cost of the test. (Madness!) And if they

housing developments that are now called something else so as to not offend the residents) in which it was not unusual to meet a resident who was eager to move out of their mother’s apartment and get their own…preferably across the street from their grandmother, or up a little further near their greatgrandmother, and that resident said this while holding their own child.

If you were wondering, your math is correct: That was five (FIVE) generations of people living on the same street in government housing. For all that “temporary” assistance, this person’s only goal was to get their own government assistance.

But while it’s OK to receive money for government rent, government food payments, government cable TV, and government paid healthcare (and in several cases governmentpaid college tuition), to ask them to be tested for drugs like ALL government workers? Whoa! Unacceptable! Apparently you are only subject to humiliation for working for taxpayer money, as opposed to doing nothing for it but breeding and watching cable.

Poor analogies? OK, let’s go back to the word “projects”.

Do you know why it’s a scary word? Crime. Do you know what kind of crime? Drugs. Narcotics. Use and sale, specifically.

Are we making any connections yet?

People need welfare. Elvis Presley’s family needed public assistance, but with employment or handouts comes, occasionally, “rules”, and if it’s good enough for cops and their filthy, perverted counterparts in the fire service—why not all folks receiving money from the same taxpayer source? Public servants aren’t better than anyone else…but is everyone else better than public servants?

You may still disagree with me, but bear this in mind: Just because I’m an asshole, it doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

Governor Scott, I applaud your boldness. Here’s to you and I both—peeing in cups.

It is, after all, a Rule.

When Officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrolling our fair city on the heels of the criminal element, he is an occasional student, carpenter, boating enthusiast, and spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center. Follow him on Facebook at www.facebook.com/alex.teach

www.chattanoogapulse.com | June 9, 2011 | Volume 8, Issue 23 | The Pulse

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ARTS

Feature

Whimsical and Strange "Starcraft"

By Michael Crumb, Pulse Arts Writer

W

e at The Pulse applaud the arrival of Daniel E. Stetson, the new executive director of the Hunter Museum. After a long national search, Stetson has come to Chattanooga from Florida. We wish him a happy and productive stay here.

Nandini Makrano has curated the contemporary exhibit featuring more than 50 pieces done during the past 15 years

by Beverly Semmes. Semmes’s work here includes intricate crystal vases, quite a few colorful pots, three “dress” installations, large and small photographs (the title piece “Starcraft” is a large photograph) and a short film loop.

Semmes’s show challenges viewers. While her recent work with lead crystal attests by its loveliness to her skill in this medium, her photos and dress installations pose aesthetic risks.

A statement of hers mentions “the line between fantasy and reality,” but this sense of unreality presents a kind of static drama, detailed but elusive.

Does Semmes indeed present the unpretentious art object? Risks here include the possibility of mere elaborate decoration or a flight into the kind of conceptual ambiguity that leaves viewers guessing, dawdling on the verge of realization.

“Like the photographs, there emerges a sense of the dramatic, of energies suspended that could go in any direction.”

Last Thursday’s discussion of Semmes’s work with regard to gender proved enlightening. Around 30 people attended, including a few of Chattanooga’s leading artists. Dr. Heather Palmer, UTC assistant professor of English and women’s studies, casually and adroitly facilitated the discussion around various issues of feminist theory with regard to the large installation “Prairie Dress” (2006). Dr. Palmer also noted that while Semmes had recently been a participant in a “Feminist

Responsibility Project”, she apparently remains uncommitted to any particular brand of feminist discourse. Dr. Palmer offered Semmes’s remark: “I’m sure that feminism is important, but I’m not sure what it means to me. I’m working on it.”

Credit Dr. Palmer’s perceptiveness that “Prairie Dress” is hardly innocuous. Like the photographs, there emerges a sense of the dramatic, of energies suspended that could go in any direction. Some of the attendees were struck by the work’s decorative qualities, while others sought for symbolism in a piece with minimal closure.

There exists an artistic attitude that would present work that is impervious to interpretive strategies, and Semmes appears to lean in that direction. However, our discussion group found more provocation than resignation in Semmes’s large “Dress.” As women’s wear, “Dress” associates with the feminine. Dr. Palmer opened the discussion with the consideration that “Art helps us to create meaning,” and participants clearly were sympathetic and engaged with this impulse, which guided discussion of “Prairie Dress”, the other “dresses” and the photographs with their mysterious imagery. Hooded figures designated as “Family Members”—what sort of family? An absolutely naked dog, a couple of hooded figures with red X’s superimposed on them, as in “Buried Treasure” where a fabric maze lies on the ground with a black-hooded figure standing behind it wearing a red X. Where do we arrive? Dr. Palmer noted the pleasant sensuality of the fabric installation, but she was also concerned about possible negative elements. Eventually I was struck by the realization that these curious presentations froze a kind of libidinous energy, a very basic archetypal surrealism, elusive as a cave painting. Nevertheless, our communal search for meaning between the poles of “pleasure” or “power”, as Dr. Palmer suggested, was heartening. Credit

Semmes work for that, at least.

The Hunter also has visiting work from Kunstmuseum, Wolfsburg that includes the world-class “Andy Warhol Robot” by Korean genius Nam June Paik (1994). According to Art Since 1990, Paik was associated with the Fluxus artists of the ’60s and ’70s. This group sought radical artistic strategies to break with the past. Paik’s collaboration with Charlotte Moorman, “Concerto For TV, Cello and Videotapes” emerged as a breakthrough envisioning of art and current media. Also, a video installation of six pieces by Gary Hill promises medial inspiration. This exhibit also includes some fine industrial photography of Wolfsburg’s Volkswagen plant.

Do plan to visit the Hunter. These pieces are here for an extended visit.

“Beverly Semmes: Starcraft” “Kunstmuseum Wolfsburg at the Hunter Museum” $9.95 (first Sundays of the month free) Hunter Museum, 10 Bluff View (423) 267-0968. www.huntermuseum.org

www.chattanoogapulse.com | June 9, 2011 | Volume 8, Issue 23 | The Pulse

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ARTS

Arts & Events Calendar FRIDAY

THURSDAY

Acting Classes at the ReCreate Cafe

Free back-to-basics classes for adults, working alongside the homeless community.

Free 6:30 p.m.

Salvation Army ReCreate Café, 822 McCallie Ave. Call (423) 504-2157 for info and reservations.

Thursday

Dynamo of Dixie Downtown Tour 10 a.m. Sheraton Read House, 827 Broad St. (423) 228-0448. chattanoogasidewalktours.com Bluff and Bridges Downtown Tour 7 p.m. Walnut Street Bridge, 1 Walnut St. (423) 228-0448.

Mystery of the TV Talk Show 7 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. www.funnydinner.com Chattanooga Ghost Tour 8:15 p.m. Walnut Street Bridge, 100 Walnut St. (423) 821-7125. www.chattanoogaghosttours.com

Friday

Dynamo of Dixie Downtown Tour 10 a.m. Sheraton Read House, 827 Broad St. (423) 228-0448. chattanoogasidewalktours.com Born to be Wild 3D 6 p.m. IMAX Theater at the Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (800) 265-0695.

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Ultimate Wave Tahiti 3D 7 p.m. IMAX Theater at the Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (800) 265-0695. www.tnaqua.org Mystery of Flight 138 7 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. www.funnydinner.com Bluff and Bridges Downtown Tour 7 p.m. Walnut Street Bridge, 1 Walnut St. (423) 228-0448. chattanoogasidewalktours.com Short Attention Span Theatre: Speed Dating 7:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga, 1918 Union Ave. (423) 987-5141.

Manifest: Art & Soul 8 p.m. The CampHouse, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081.

Matt Mitchell 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com Born to be Wild 3D 8 p.m. IMAX Theater at the Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (800) 265-0695.

Chattanooga Ghost Tour 8:15 p.m. Walnut Street Bridge, 100 Walnut St. (423) 821-7125. www.chattanoogaghosttours.com Ultimate Wave Tahiti 3D 9 p.m. IMAX Theater at the Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (800) 265-0695.

Stand Up Comedy!: Dave Landau 9:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839.

Female Impersonation Show Midnight. Images, 6065 Lee Hwy. (423) 855-8210. www.imagesbar.com

Saturday

6th Annual NPC Battle at the River 9 a.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5050. www.tennesseebodybuilding.org Dynamo of Dixie Downtown Tour 10 a.m. Sheraton Read House, 827 Broad St. (423) 228-0448. chattanoogasidewalktours.com Brainerd Farmers Market 10 a.m. Grace Episcopal Church, 20 Belvoir Ave. (423) 458-6281.

Chattanooga River Market 10 a.m. Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (423) 648-2496. www.chattanoogamarket.com Art till Dark Noon. 40 Frazier Ave. (423) 413-8999. www.arttildark.com Georgia Winery Grill & Chill Noon. Georgia Winery, 6469 Battlefield Pklwy., Ringggold.

(706) 937-WINE. www.georgiawines.com Rock City Summer Music Series Noon. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd. Lookout Mountain.

(800) 854-0675. www.seerockcity.com Short Attention Span Theatre: Speed Dating 2 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga, 1918 Union Ave. (423) 987-5141.

MANIFEST Showcase

This time featuring Shane Morrow, Amber Fults, Christian Collier. $8 9 p.m.

The CampHouse, 1427 Williams St.

Mystery at the Nightmare Office Party 5:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. www.funnydinner.com Born to be Wild 3D 6 p.m. IMAX Theater at the Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (800) 265-0695.

Bluff and Bridges Downtown Tour 7 p.m. Walnut Street Bridge, 1 Walnut St. (423) 228-0448. chattanoogasidewalktours.com Ultimate Wave Tahiti 3D 7 p.m. IMAX Theater at the Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (800) 265-0695.

Matt Mitchell 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com Born to be Wild 3D 8 p.m. IMAX Theater at the Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (800) 265-0695.

Mystery at the Redneck-Italian Wedding 8 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. www.funnydinner.com

ARTS

Arts & Events Calendar

SATURDAY

Japanese Cultural Day

Free 2:30 p.m. – 5 p.m.

Watch anime, sample sushi, write a haiku.

Downtown Library, 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-5310. lib.chattanooga.gov Ultimate Wave Tahiti 3D 9 p.m. IMAX Theater at the Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (800) 265-0695.

Chattanooga Ghost Hunt 9:30 p.m. Patten Chapel, 615 McCallie Ave. (423) 821-7125.

Stand Up Comedy!: Dave Landau 10:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. www.funnydinner.com Female Impersonation Show Midnight. Images, 6065 Lee Hwy. (423) 855-8210. www.imagesbar.com

Sunday

Dynamo of Dixie Downtown Tour 10 a.m. Sheraton Read House, 827 Broad St. (423) 228-0448.

Chattanooga Market 11 a.m. First Tennesee Pavilion, 1826 Reggie White Blvd. www.chattanoogamarket.com Rock City Summer Music Series Noon. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd. Lookout Mountain.

(800) 854-0675. www.seerockcity.com

SUNDAY

Short Attention Span Theatre: Speed Dating 6:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga, 1918 Union Ave. (423) 987-5141.

Bluff and Bridges Downtown Tour 7 p.m. Walnut Street Bridge, 1 Walnut St. (423) 228-0448. chattanoogasidewalktours.com Chattanooga Ghost Tour 8:15 p.m. Walnut Street Bridge, 100 Walnut St. (423) 821-7125. www.chattanoogaghosttours.com

Monday

Dynamo of Dixie Downtown Tour 10 a.m. Sheraton Read House, 827 Broad St. (423) 228-0448. chattanoogasidewalktours.com Bessie Smith Strut 4:30 p.m. Miller Plaza, 850 Market St. www.riverbendfestival.com Bluff and Bridges Downtown Tour 7 p.m. Walnut Street Bridge, 1 Walnut St. (423) 228-0448. chattanoogasidewalktours.com Chattanooga Ghost Tour 8:15 p.m. Walnut Street Bridge, 100 Walnut St. (423) 821-7125. www.chattanoogaghosttours.com

Tuesday

Freedom Riders Documentary 6:30 p.m. Museum Center at 5ive Points, 200 Inman St. E., Cleveland. www.museumcenter.org

Chattanooga Writers Guild Meeting 7 p.m. Chattanooga-Hamilton County Bicentennial Library, 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-5310. www.lib.chattanooga.gov Songwriter’s Line-up 7 p.m. The CampHouse, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081.

Chattanooga Ghost Tour 8:15 p.m. Walnut Street Bridge, 100 Walnut St. (423) 821-7125. www.chattanoogaghosttours.com

Wednesday

Dynamo of Dixie Downtown Tour 10 a.m. Sheraton Read House, 827 Broad St. (423) 228-0448. chattanoogasidewalktours.com Main Street Farmers Market 4 p.m. Main St. at Williams St. www.mainstfarmersmarket.com Bluff and Bridges Downtown Tour 7 p.m. Walnut Street Bridge, 1 Walnut St. (423) 228-0448. chattanoogasidewalktours.com Chattanooga Ghost Tour 8:15 p.m. Walnut Street Bridge, 100 Walnut St. (423) 821-7125. www.chattanoogaghosttours.com

Ongoing

“Dinosaurs!”

Chattanooga Zoo, 301 North Holtzclaw Ave. (423) 697-1322.

“Between the States” Hunter Museum of Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org

Chattanooga Green Festival at the Market

Celebrate everything eco at the Market.

Free 11 a.m. - 4 p.m.

First Tennessee Pavilion, 1826 Carter St. (423) 648-2496. chattanoogamarket.com Chattanooga Fiber Arts Group Exhibition North River Civic Center, 1009 Executive Dr. Ste. 102.

(423) 870-8924.

Kunstmuseum Wolfsburg at the Hunter Hunter Museum of Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org “Isaac Duncan III, Andy Light and Shadow May Sculpture” Front Gallery at Chenoweth.

Halligan Studios, 1800 Rossville Ave., Ste. 1. (423) 243-3778.

“Beverly Semmes: Starcraft” Hunter Museum of Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org “Old Houses and Courthouses” Exum Gallery, 305 W. 7th St. (423) 593-4265.

“Unbound” River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033.

“Spring Salon in Color!”

Shuptrine Fine Art Group, 2646 Broad St. (423) 266-4453. www.chattanoogapulse.com | June 9, 2011 | Volume 8, Issue 23 | The Pulse

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OPINION

Life In The ‘Noog

Most Likely To Succeed I

t seems lately that all of the city’s publications are churning out their annual superlative issues for lack of more newsworthy topics, like the weather.

Everywhere you look newspaper front pages and magazine covers are touting the “40 under 40,” “30 to watch in their 30’s,” and my personal favorite, “The 10 most eligible singles in town.” I’m not sure if this fine publication produces that type of fodder or not, as I rarely read The Pulse cover to cover, but you get my drift. You read stuff.

I can’t for the life of me figure out the purpose of these random distinctions, save stroking the egos of the smarmy overachievers listed, most of whom would rather water plants or have more babies than be caught dead having actual fun. What’s even more disturbing is the presumably lackadaisical selection process in narrowing down the pack to the top however many. “I know this guy and that girl, and they like have a good job and volunteer their time, and one of them is even Asian and/or African American so we’ll have the diversity base covered.”

Boom—listed.

What you never see in any of these lists are the people that actually make the ‘noog a unique place to live. Twenty- and thirty-something do-gooders come and go, and by the time the dust settles on their salad days you might not ever hear from them again except in the photo collages of fundraising events. So I’ve decided to single out a few people who, just by an undying commitment to their own individuality, deserve to be held up on the same type of journalistic pedestal.

I call my list “4 well over 40 to high 5.”

1) Sandy the Flower Guy—no one reading this can say they’ve ever darkened the door of a downtown establishment without being greeted with a hearty, “Hey guys. Lovely evening. Good to be here.”

When not working his day job mowing entire yards with a simple weedeater, Sandy “collects” floral boutiques to present to all of the “lovely ladies” sitting

Chuck Crowder

“Life is more than the norm. It’s a little off center. And if you think outside of the box most of the time, you’ll achieve more than you ever imagined.”

at your table for the small donation of a buck or cigarette, whichever is handier at the moment. He’s a humble war vet who didn’t even collect his pension for something close to two decades. So next time you see his Christmas-treedecorated bicycle peddling down Market Street, give him a high five.

2) Pickle Barrel Nick—some call him boss, some call him daddy, but everyone loves Nick Bowers. Some might compare him to the Sam Malone character on Cheers, but instead of a drunken exRed Sox pitcher who sobered up and bought a bar, Nick was a sober ex-air traffic controller who got drunk and woke up owning a bar (along with a wicked hangover). Quoted many times for his savvy and frugal business practices, one of his more famous observations was how a dollar bill might’ve made a more cost-efficient coaster for a patron who’d

grabbed a handful of cocktail napkins. So next time you’ve had one too many at the Barrel, be sure to give Nick a high five.

3) The Purple Lady—whether a brilliant marketing ploy or just an extremely unquenchable penchant for the warmer shade of blue, The Purple Lady’s commitment to the color for which she’s nicknamed is most deserving of a superlative. The sheer passion and commitment of limiting life’s sundries— car, clothes, hair, lipstick, and everything else—to one color choice is an amazing feat this side of the Moccasin Bend gates.

She’s pure Chattanooga royalty, and makes the Eyear Optical guy’s stores look foolish by comparison. So next time you see her purple convertible parked somewhere, step inside and give her a high five.

4) Me—while I never have, and likely never will, coach a softball team or teach Sunday school or run a successful business that prints money or succeed in any of the other achievements that seem to catapult one onto the list of “new leaders shaping Chattanooga’s future,” I feel like that’s OK (besides, it’s my list, after all).

I try to leave the woodpile a little higher than I found it. I throw all of my fish back.

I believe honesty is the best policy. I regularly perform random acts of kindness if for no other reason than karma’s sake. I believe we’re all in it for what we can get out of it and that’s OK. Life is more than the norm. It’s a little off center. And if you think outside of the box most of the time, you’ll achieve more than you ever imagined. So next time you see someone living life on their own terms—be it as a predetermined productive member of society or as a creative individualist seeking alternative ways of making their world a better place—give them a high five. Everyone deserves it.

Chuck Crowder is a local writer and general man about town. His opinions are just that. Everything expressed is loosely based on fact, and crap he hears people talking about. Take what you just read with a grain of salt, but pepper it in your thoughts. www.chattanoogapulse.com | June 9, 2011 | Volume 8, Issue 23 | The Pulse

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MUSIC

Feature

A Cool Half Dozen of Singer/Songwriters

By Tara V, Pulse Music Writer

I

t’s Riverbend time in Chattanooga.

Time for outrageously priced beer, father/son mullets, parking nightmares and above all, some purty good music. Riverbend means something different to all who have grown up in or been a part of the Tennessee Valley as a performer, fan or annoyed onlooker. For 30 years this festival has grown into a people-watchers’ paradise and summer staple of entertainment among the bridges.

As headliners are obvious, there is much more to this festival and it is important that true music lovers visit smaller stages and get a personal taste of what Riverbend has to offer. On Sunday, June 12 at the Tennessee Valley Federal Credit Union Stage a tradition continues, when 6 Stools/6 Strings will showcase a “dream line-up” of songwriters from our state capital.

idea of an album’s beginning and end. I was intrigued to find out that this album was completely fan-funded. Fans bartered and traded for items ranging from podcast subscriptions to private shows in order to support Jeff and find themselves on his “Black List”. Jeff, along with John Randall, wrote the song “Frozen Fields” which was performed and recorded by Alison Krauss. He had many songs in the independent film Steel City, which premiered at Sundance, directed by Brian Jun. Hall of Famer Waylon Jennings was also a big fan of Jeff Black. You can learn more about Jeff and his journey in song at www.jeffblack.com and follow him via twitter @ jeffblackradio.

Who else will share the stage on 6 Stools/6 Strings night?

Walt Witman: A longtime Nashville resident who has moved on to South Texas returns to Tennessee. Walt was inducted into the South Texas Music Walk of Fame this year. His cut performed by Ricky Skaggs, “Seven Hillsides” was included on an album that won a Grammy—but the several recordings that Pat Green performed are what launched him into Texas fame.

Nicole Witt: Nicole has co-written for artists such as Pam Tillis, George Strait, Terri Clark and Clay Walker. She has written with artists such as Nick Carter of The Backstreet Boys, and her voice can be heard on the track “Rusty” with Pete Sternberg featured in Will Smith’s movie Seven Pounds.

“At the TVFCU Stage a tradition continues, when 6 Stools/6 Strings will showcase a ‘dream line-up’ of songwriters from our state capital.”

I was honored to speak with Jeff Black, one of the six performers, and his excitement to play Riverbend for the first time and return to Chattanooga while playing with such talent could be felt through the cell towers. A family man originally from Kansas, Jeff has been a part of Nashville since 1989. Sharing his journey through song has been a priority since picking up a guitar at the age of ten. His new album Through The Mystic explores life’s ups and downs while staying true to the

Liz Rose: Founder of Liz Rose Music, Liz has had an amazing career and is renowned for her work with superstar Taylor Swift.

Her involvement touches an array of Nashville stars such as Gary Allan, Martina McBride, Bonnie Raitt, Tim McGraw, Lee Ann Womack, Jewel and Trisha Yearwood.

Chas Sanford: A Nashville veteran, Sanford is owner of recording studio Secret Sound, which has been used by some of the world’s top recording artists, including Keith Urban, Tim McGraw, Melissa Etheridge, Queen, Def Leppard and Tony Bennett. Artists including Stevie Nicks, John Waite and Sammy Hagar have covered his songs.

Jess Leary: Leary was the regional winner of the Wranger Country Star Search, and was flown to Nashville to perform on the Grand Ole Opry. Soon after, she was signed to Starstruck Writer’s Group, Reba McEntire’s publishing company. Her vocal talents gave her the ability to sing backup for Reba and tour with the likes of Garth Brooks.

This year be sure to visit these smaller stages—you may be surprised at what you find.

I already am.

Happy Riverbend and see you at The Strut!

6 Stools/6 Strings Admission with Riverbend pin 7:30 p.m Sunday, June 12 Riverbend Festival, TVFCU Stage

www.chattanoogapulse.com | June 9, 2011 | Volume 8, Issue 23 | The Pulse

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MUSIC

Concert Calendar FRIDAY

THURSDAY

Dead Baby Robots, Moonshoes Mumsy

Indie jam with the Moonshoes. $5 8 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-1400. myspace.com/jjsbohemia

Thursday

Ben Friberg Trio 7 p.m. Table 2, 232 E. 11th St. (423) 756-8253.

Blues Jam with Rick Rushing 7:30 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Open Mic Night 7:30 p.m. The CampHouse, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081. www.thecamphouse.com Dead Baby Robots, Moonshoes Mumsy 8 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia Soul Survivor 8 p.m. The Lounge at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5005. www.thepalmshamilton.com Jimmy Harris 8 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com Hap 9 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn). facebook.com/theofficechatt

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Velcro Pygmies 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com

Friday

Johnny Cash Tribute Band 5 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo Victorian Lounge, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000.

Jimmy Harris 6:30 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com HeartCakeParty, This Day Will Tell, Every Word a Prophecy, Encounters, In The Era 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 412 Market St. www.warehousevenue.com Backwater Still 8 p.m. Acoustic Cafe, 61 RBC Dr. Ringgold, GA. (706) 965-2065. www.ringgoldacoustic.com Soul Survivor 8 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956. www.sugarsribs.com MANIFEST: Art & Soul 8 p.m. The Camp House, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081. www.thecamphouse.com Troy Underwood 8 p.m. Palms Patio at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com Shane Morrow and Amber Fults 9 p.m. The CampHouse, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081. www.thecamphouse.com Jordan Hallquist 9 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com

Critty Upchurch 9 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919. www.myspace.com/jimstriker DJ E and Dancing 9 p.m. Bart’s Lakeshore, 5600 Lakeshore Dr. (423) 870-0777. www.bartslakeshore.com DJ and Dancing 9 p.m. Spectators, 7804 E. Brainerd Rd. (423) 648- 6679.

DJ and Dancing 9 p.m. The Lounge at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5005.

Los Straitjackets 9:15 p.m. Riverbend Festival, TVFCU Stage. www.riverbendfestival.com Huey Lewis & The News 9:30 p.m. Riverbend Festival, Coke Stage. www.riverbendfestival.com Bartlee Noble And 64 Hwy 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com Rough Rope, Oxxen 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia Karaoke & Dancing 10 p.m. Chattanooga Billiards Club East, 110 Jordan Dr. (423) 499-3883. www.cbcburns.com

Saturday

Jimmy Buffett Tribute Band 10 a.m. Chattanooga River Market, Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (423) 265-0698.

New Binkley Brothers Noon. Rock City Summer Music Weekends, 1400 Patten Road, Lookout Mountain. www.seerockcity.com

Los Straitjackets at Riverbend

These masked musicans put on a great show.

Entrance with Riverbend pin 9:15 p.m.

TVFCU Stage, Riverbend www.riverbendfestival.com Johnny Cash Tribute Band 5 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo Victorian Lounge, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000.

Jimmy Harris 6:30 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com Farethewell, Lines In The Sky, Soul Gate 7, Gateway 2 Nowhere 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 412 Market St. www.warehousevenue.com GlamourLyke 8 p.m. Riverbend Festival, Unum Stage. www.riverbendfestival.com Timberwolf 8 p.m. Acoustic Cafe, 61 RBC Dr. Ringgold, GA. (706) 965-2065. www.ringgoldacoustic.com Dana Rogers 8 p.m. Palms Patio at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com Soul Survivor 8 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956. www.sugarsribs.com Foundation Band 8 p.m. Fireside Grill, 3018 Cummings Hwy. (423) 821-9898.

Find them on ChattanoogaHasFun

MUSIC

Concert Calendar

SATURDAY

GlamourLyke, Karl Denson’s Tiny Universe at Riverbend “Ghetto tech” with GlamourLyke, jazz/funk with Karl Denson.

Entrance with Riverbend pin.

8 p.m. (GlamourLyke) 9:30 (Karl Denson) Unum Stage, Riverbend www.riverbendfestival.com

Danimal Pinson 9 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn). facebook.com/theofficechatt Todd Weaver 9 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919. www.myspace.com/jimstriker Beach Boys 9:30 p.m. Riverbend Festival, Coke Stage. www.riverbendfestival.com Karl Denson’s Tiny Universe 9:30 p.m. Riverbend Festival, Unum Stage. www.riverbendfestival.com Peewee Moore and and the Awful Dreadful Snakes 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com

Sunday

New Binkley Brothers Noon. Rock City Summer Music Weekends, 1400 Patten Road, Lookout Mountain. www.seerockcity.com Open Mic with Jeff Daniels 4 p.m. Ms. Debbie’s Nightlife Lounge 4762 Highway 58, (423) 485-0966. myspace.com/debbieslounge

SUNDAY

Irish Music Session 6:30 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pk. (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.com Open Mic with Mike McDade 7 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn). www.facebook.com/theofficechatt 6 Stools/6 Strings 7:30 p.m. Riverbend Festival, TFFCU Stage. www.riverbendfestival.com Karaoke with DJ Randy 9 p.m. Bart’s Lakeshore, 5600 Lakeshore Dr. (423) 870-0777. www.bartslakeshore.com The Machine with Chattanooga Symphony Orchestra 9:30 p.m. Riverbend Festival, Coke Stage. www.riverbendfestival.com Karaoke with DJ Salt 9:30 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com Dustin Sargent 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

Monday

Bessie Smith Strut: John Lee Hooker, Jr. 7:30 p.m. Riverbend Festival, Bessie Smith Hall, 200 MLK Blvd. www.riverbendfestival.com Huskey Burnette 8 p.m. Champy’s Chicken, 526 East ML King Blvd. (423) 752-3847.

Big Band Nite 8 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055.

Post-Strut Party with Geoff Achison 9 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com

Rick Rushing with Funktastic Five 9 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Parkway. (423) 468-4192. www.thehonestpint.com Karaoke with DJ Randy 9 p.m. Bart’s Lakeshore, 5600 Lakeshore Dr. (423) 870-0777. www.bartslakeshore.com Karaoke with DJ Salt 9:30 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com Blair Crimmins and The Hookers, Christabel and the Jons, Dustin Sargent 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

Tuesday

Open Mic Night with Mike McDade 8 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pk. (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.com Casting Crowns 9:30 p.m. Riverbend Festival, Coke Stage. www.riverbendfestival.com Karaoke with DJ Salt 9:30 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com

Wednesday

Jimmy Harris 6:30 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com Mark Holder 6:15 p.m. Riverbend Festival, TFFCU Stage. www.riverbendfestival.com Ben Friberg Trio 7 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com

Dustin Sargent, Blair Crimmins and the Hookers Pre-Strut party with the Rojo Diablo. $7 10 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-1400. myspace.com/jjsbohemia

Mosier Brothers 7:45 p.m. Riverbend, TVFCU stage. www.riverbendfestival.com Open Mic Night 8 p.m. Acoustic Cafe, 61 RBC Dr. Ringgold, GA. (706) 965-2065. www.ringgoldacoustic.com Prime Cut Trio 8 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202.

(423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com Becoming the Archetype, To Speak of Wolves, Unspoken Triumph, Morior Invictus, Camarilla 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 412 Market St. www.warehousevenue.com Behold the Brav, Global Sleep 9 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Parkway. (423) 468-4192. www.thehonestpint.com DJ ScubaSteve hosts Jenntastic Wednesdays - Open Mic/Karaoke/ Poetry/Comedy/Local Music 9 p.m. Holiday Bowl, 5518 Brainerd Rd. (423) 899-2695. www.holidaybowlbrainerd.com Miranda Lambert 9:30 p.m. Riverbend Festival, Coke Stage. www.riverbendfestival.com www.chattanoogapulse.com | June 9, 2011 | Volume 8, Issue 23 | The Pulse

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MUSIC

New Music Reviews

John Butcher & Gino Robair

Grouper

(Rastascan)

Liz Harris, aka Grouper, has produced perhaps the best aural cure for insomnia of recent memory, giving new meaning to the phrase “sleep with the fishes.” Grouper’s latest, A I A, is a double-album available on vinyl and as digital downloads, and it’s full of foggy lullabies with uncanny soothing qualities. It puts you to sleep not because it’s boring, dull or uninteresting but because it’s incredibly warm, soft and enveloping, transporting the listener to an alternate, placid universe. The distinction between the two parts, Dream Loss and Alien Observer, is mostly personal, as Harris revealed in a Pitchfork interview that the former consists mostly of songs written before a “hard time” and the latter covers the period afterwards. There are minor sonic differences between the two—for example, Dream Loss is slightly noisier, particularly on the guitar-fuzz-ridden “I Saw a Ray”—but as a whole, A I A works well as an 80-minute aural massage.

A I A can tap into a subconscious pleasure, going for some ineffable mood that’s both somber and comforting. Thinking about it too much doesn’t add to its enjoyment, and it seems to be an album that defies deconstruction; Harris sings gorgeous harmonies with indiscernable lyrics, as if she were spraying a hand-written message with water, making the ink run into unreadable watercolor abstractions. The minimal instrumentation—usually guitar or keyboard—is similarly vague, with all hard edges filed down using a heavy dose of reverb. Harris seems to have settled in with a defined style and aesthetic, and she could probably churn out endless regurgitations; however, she hasn’t worn out her welcome yet. The low-fidelity magnificence of A I A is the sonic equivalent of a grayscale, impressionist mural and a lulling bedside shadow that can tuck you in and wish you sweet dreams.

Apophenia

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Number-obsessed conspiracy theorist nut-jobs and people who discover the face of Jesus on grilledcheese sandwiches are both practicing apophenia, which refers to finding patterns or meaning in information where there should be no patterns or meaning. The word serves as the title of the new release from the British saxophonist John Butcher and Californian percussionist Gino Robair—two sound-loving eccentrics who play their instruments in unconventional ways.

Apophenia is comprised of a completely improvised performance, originally broadcast live on the radio in 2009, and despite what the album’s title might imply, there isn’t total disorder. Also, there’s ambiguity regarding who might actually be practicing apophenia—the listeners or the musicians themselves. The listeners may detect some musical mimicry or pick out some choice moments of synchronicity, and it would be naïve to think that there is absolutely no intentional interplay going on between Butcher and Robair.

The feeling generated by Apophenia is a sense of discovery, perhaps from explorers who frantically search for new, weird sounds and cross paths at the top of the mountain when they tap into something memorable. (The Pierre Teilhard quote “Everything that rises must converge” comes to mind.)

In addition to Butcher’s odd squawks and moans, he also creates sounds by placing a motorized pencil against his saxophone then opening and closing certain keys to vary the tone. Robair plays “energized surfaces,” which translates to playing drums and metallic percussion using brushes, bows, an Ebow, and portable motorized kitchen stirrers—pretty much anything except striking them normally. At one point, it even sounds like Robair is blowing on a drum, to make a horn-type sound.

Among the huge variety of clattering, squeaks, and pitter-patters, there are dots to be connected for any sonic existentialists willing to make the dive. For the uninitiated, frankly, this will sound like nails on a chalkboard, but lovers of extended techniques and electro-acoustic music may find the crazed, lively vibrations of Apophenia to be a stimulating racket.

The Pulse | Volume 8, Issue 23 | June 9, 2011 | www.chattanoogapulse.com

AIA

(Yellowelectric)

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SCREEN

Film Feature

How Many is Too Many Mutants?

By John DeVore, Pulse Film Critic

S

ince it appears that moviegoers are going to be continually subjected to new incarnations of previously tired superhero franchises and obscure comic book titles, I believe it is time to try out a ranking system.

Comic book movies might as well occupy their own niche in filmmaking, like musicals or drama. In fact, they might even deserve their own Oscar category. Comparing them to more serious, mainstream movies doesn’t make a lot of sense. After all, how seriously can you take spontaneous mutant powers that make people spit explosive acid balls while flying around on giant insect wings?

So, for a ranking system, the upper echelons of the genre would be films like The Dark Knight or Spiderman 2. Those films truly understood their characters and contain the maximum amount of emotional depth and earnest acceptance of the source material.

Somewhere in the middle we’d have films like Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, or Watchmen. These make good attempts at recreating the comic experience, are entertaining, but lack strong characters or fall slightly short of eliciting the intended goal of the film. At the bottom, we’d have films like Daredevil, The Spirit, Electra, Catwoman, Ghost Rider and The Fantastic

X-Men: First Class travels back in time, before Wolverine dominated the landscape, focusing on the foundation of the team and the origins of Professor X and Magneto. It doesn’t matter that the film doesn’t follow the comic book story line. In films like this, necessity is the mother of invention. As long as the filmmakers follow a few pre-established rules, they can do almost anything they want. If a character doesn’t quite fit with what is called for in the plot, the powers can be tweaked slightly, characters combine, storylines altered. Comic book fans will be happy in any case because they feel their interests are being represented on screen.

The plot involves the Cuban missile crisis, Kevin Bacon, and January Jones’ breasts. At least, that’s what I got out of it. There are a bunch of mutants with very specific mutant powers doing battle while regular humans feel rightfully threatened; I know if I had a neighbor who looked like a demon and could teleport, I might be a little nervous myself. Of course, the subtext of all X-Men movies explores individuality and tolerance. We get it. I don’t need a comic book movie to tell me that we should accept others regardless of their differences. That’s what Sesame Street is for.

The major problem with the X-Men franchise is the excessive number of characters.

“First Class” does a better job of keeping the cast manageable, but there are still far too many mutants. For a film that wants to preach a message of not being defined by a singular trait, it seems to highlight them quite a bit. Most of the X-Men in the film are defined by their singular characteristic power, which is highlighted again during the climax as we see each power being nullified by another. Were there to be an all-out mutant war at some point in this universe, it would invariably end in a stalemate with incalculable property damage estimates.

The X-Men universe is far too large and complex to be ap-

“Hollywood knows how to play into those childish things, the things that should have been put away long ago.”

Four. The bottom is filled with failures of every kind—poor acting, poor writing, bizarre directorial choices, stupid premises, and Nicolas Cage. After seeing X-Men: First Class, I would rate our most recent foray into the adventures of these comics' stars “superior towards the top of the middle”. It has good performances, a decent script, and entertaining action, but suffers from an overabundance of characters.

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The Pulse | Volume 8, Issue 23 | June 9, 2011 | www.chattanoogapulse.com

propriately fleshed out in this medium. The filmmakers do their best, but they are fighting a losing battle. However, fanboys will eat this movie up and it will be an unmitigated success. We’ll see more X-Men movies soon, I’m sure. I’m sure I’ll see them, too.

While I may complain about how unnecessary all these sequels are, I have to admit that watching Magneto lift a submarine out of the ocean with his mutant powers is pretty cool. Nostalgia and childhood fantasies are powerful forces.

Hollywood knows how to play into those childish things, the things that should have been put away long ago. Much like sugary candy found in supermarket checkout lines, X-Men: First Class is quick and sweet, but with little substance or nutritional value.

X-Men: First Class Directed by Matthew Vaughn Starring James McAvoy, Michael Fassbinder, Bill Milner Rated PG-13 Running time: Two hours, 11 minutes

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ENTERTAINMENT

Free Will Astrology

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Primatologist Jane Goodall, who lived for years among chimpanzees in Tanzania, is one of the world’s top experts on the creatures. Can you guess what her favorite toy was when she was young? A stuffed monkey, of course. There were no doubt foreshadowings like that in your own childhood or adolescence, Gemini.

Right? Signs of the magic you would eventually seek to ripen? Seeds of destiny that had just begun to sprout? Now would be a good time to reflect on those early hints. You’ll benefit from updating your understanding of and commitment to the capacities they revealed.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): After all these years, the American presidential election of 2000 still makes me cringe. Because of the archaic laws governing the process, the candidate who “lost” the election actually got 543,895 more votes than the guy who “won.” How could anyone in good conscience, even those who supported the less-popular “winner,” have sanctioned such a result? It was perverse.

It was pathological. It was crazy-making. I’d say the same thing if the roles had been reversed, and Gore had become president with a half-million fewer votes than Bush. You must not let something comparable to this anomaly happen in your personal life in the coming weeks, Cancerian.

It is crucial that every winner be the one who deserves to be. Don’t sacrifice what’s right in order to serve corrupt protocol or outmoded conventions.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I dreamed you had been tending an unusual garden for months. Your crops weren’t herbs or flowers or vegetables, but rather miniature volcanoes. Each was now ripe and stood about waist-high. They erupted with a steady flow of liquid blue fire that you were harvesting in large, gold, Grail-like cups. Apparently this stuff was not only safe to drink, but profoundly energizing. You sipped some of the potion yourself and distributed the rest to a large gathering of enthusiastic people who had come to imbibe your tasty medicine. The mood was festive, and you were radiant. This dream of mine is a good metaphor for your life in the immediate future.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Darryl Dawkins played professional basketball from 1975 to 1996. One of the sport’s more colorful personalities, he said he lived part-time on the planet Lovetron, a place where he perfected his interplanetary funkmanship. He also liked to give names to his slam dunks. The “Turbo Sexophonic Delight” was a favorite, but the best was his “Chocolate-Thunder-Flying, TeethShaking, Glass-Breaking, Rump-Roasting, Bun-Toasting, Wham-Bam-I-Am Jam.” I encourage you to try some Darryl Dawkins-like behavior in your own chosen field, Virgo. Give a name to your signature move or your special play. With playful flair, let people know how much you love what you do and how good you are at what you do.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): According to research published in The Journal of Personality (tinyurl.com/NoToSex), many college students prefer ego strokes to sex. Given the choice between making love with a desirable partner and receiving a nice big compliment, a majority opted for the latter. In the near future, Libra, it’s important that you not act like one of these self-esteem-starved wimps. You need the emotional and physical catharsis that can come from erotic union and other sources of pleasurable intensity far more than you need to have your pride propped up.

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SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): An uncanny stretching sensation will soon be upon you if it’s not already. Whether you’re prepared or not, you will be asked, prodded, and maybe even compelled to expand. It could feel stressful or exhilarating or both. And it will probably force you to rethink your fascination with anyone or anything you love to hate. For best results, I suggest that you don’t resist the elongation and enlargement. In fact, it would be a very good idea to cooperate. As the odd magic unfolds, it will

The Pulse | Volume 8, Issue 23 | June 9, 2011 | www.chattanoogapulse.com

increase your capacity for taking advantage of paradox. It may also give you a surprising power to harness the energy released by the friction between oppositional forces.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You’re in a phase of your astrological cycle when you’re likely to be as attractive and endearing and in demand as it’s possible for you to be. I am not making any absurdly extravagant claims here— am not implying you’ll be as charismatic as a rock star and as lovable as a kitten—but you will be pushing the limits of your innate allure. I bet your physical appearance will be extra appealing, and you’ll have an instinct for highlighting the most winsome aspects of your personality. To help you take advantage of the potential that’s now available, please add the following word to your vocabulary: “concupiscible,” which means “worthy of being desired.”

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Nicolas Cage is a Capricorn. While performing his film roles, he often loses his composure. Of course the crazy things he does as an actor aren’t real and don’t lead to dire consequences in his actual life. But they afford him a great deal of emotional release.

Let’s hypothesize that, like Cage, you could benefit from expressing the hell out of yourself without causing any mayhem. Is there a cork-lined sanctuary where you could go and safely unveil explosions of extreme emotions? Or some equivalent? For inspiration, check this Youtube compendium of Cage uncaged: bit.ly/CageUncaged.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): My divinations suggest that you’d be wise to assign yourself an errand in the wilderness. The precise nature of the errand has not been revealed to me, but I suspect it involves you going to an untamed place whose provocative magic will tangibly alter your consciousness, awakening you to some truth about your destiny that you’ve been unable to decipher. I also believe your task is more likely to succeed if you create a small, whimsical shrine there in your ad hoc sanctuary.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Do you have any idea of how many of your diapers your mother changed when you were a baby? It was almost certainly over 1,000. Have you ever calculated how many meals she prepared for you?

That number probably exceeds 10,000. While we’re on the subject, do you remember who taught you to read and write? Can you visualize the face of the first person besides your parents who made you feel interesting or well-loved or real? I encourage you to follow this line of thought as far as you can. It’s a perfect time, astrologically speaking, to visualize memories of specific times you’ve been well cared for and thoroughly blessed.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): You have a poetic license, as well as astrological permission, to be extra cute in the coming week. I mean you have a divine mandate to exceed the usual levels of being adorable and charming and delectable.

Here’s the potential problem with that, though: Trying to be cute doesn’t usually result in becoming cuter; often it leads to being smarmy and pretentious. So how can you take advantage of the cosmic imperative to be wildly, extravagantly, sublimely cute—without getting all self-conscious about it? That’s your riddle of the week.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): It would be an excellent week for you to declare war on everything that wastes your time. Well, maybe “declaring war” is not quite the right spirit to adopt; after all, we don’t want you to go around constantly enraged and hostile. How about if we phrase it this way: It’s prime time for you to ingeniously and relentlessly elude all activities, invitations, temptations, trains of thought, and habits that offer you nothing in return for the precious energy you give to them. Of course this is always a worthy project, but it so happens that you’re likely to achieve far more progress than usual if you do it now.

ENTERTAINMENT

Jonesin' Crossword — "Crossword of the Decade" Across 1 Like a ‘60s foursome 4 Salves 9 He’s ennui-inducing 13 Solder component 15 ‘70s UK band ___ Heep 16 Sherman Hemsley sitcom 17 “___ it seems...”

18 Guy you see to solve your muscle connection problems?

20 Responses to “Has this been invented before?”

22 It may have an equalizer 23 It’s grounded in Australia 24 Tree goo 27 “Absolutely” 28 Show opener 31 Crux 32 Alan of “Little Miss Sunshine” and “Sunshine Cleaning” 33 It’s said coming and going 34 Journalist you can’t

take seriously ‘cause he’s just so gosh darn cute?

37 Kilt pattern 39 “The Smartest Guys in the Room” subject 40 Almond ___ 41 Element before tent or bar 43 Kung ___ chicken 46 “That hits the spot!”

47 1501, in Roman numerals 48 James in the Watergate scandal 50 Poe poem about getting good reception with the girl of his dreams?

54 Mound that leases out rooms?

56 Jogger’s attachment, perhaps 57 “Get ___ writing” 58 Learner, in some cases 59 Game with mallets 60 Final Four org.

61 Alleviated 62 How old Jonesin’ Crosswords recently

turned Down 1 One of Peter Rabbit’s sisters 2 Infuse with bubbles 3 Tends to the turkey 4 Where Forrest Gump was shot 5 Geometry class calculation 6 “Perfect Strangers” actor Mark ___-Baker 7 “Sin City” actor Michael 8 “Prove it!”

9 Abu ___ (figure in Islamic history) 10 Something left out 11 Dog first voiced by John Kricfalusi 12 It may be studied as a second lang.

14 Active person 19 Original, to Orff 21 Got in the vicinity 25 Cigarillo leftover 26 After-school gp.

29 “___ the season to be jolly”

30 Singing well 31 “By the Time I Get to Phoenix” singer Campbell 32 “La Boheme” song 33 Immediately 34 1987 3-D arcade game sequel 35 End for end 36 Shook in one’s boots 37 Jimmy open 38 Comedy legend Costello 41 Main female character in “Swan Lake” 42 Official press agency of China 43 Khmer Rouge killer 44 Colored ring, in botany 45 Did too much of, as a drug 47 Range component: abbr.

49 Shorten nails 51 Granny 52 Little bugs 53 Away from the wind 54 Solder component 55 “And so forth”

Jonesin' Crossword created By Matt Jones. © 2011 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle #0523.

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